Dear Diary
by ijustkeepswimming
Summary: Diary entries following the life and times of Charlie Buckton... the good, the bad and the just plain wrong...!
1. Chapter 1

_Hi everyone. This is the first chapter of a new story. It's quite similar to _Writing to Reach You_, one of my very first stories but this one is solely centred around Charlie. It follows all the ups and downs of her time in the Bay, including the good, bad and ugly relationships she has had. Obviously, I am a CJ fan so there will be a hell of a lot of emphasis on that but I have forced myself to be inclusive of her other relationships as well. But my hope is to perhaps find a way of explaining her lousy decisions! Anyway, I hope you enjoy it. I will be back shortly to post another new story called _Family Values_, which is not set within the _Home and Away _timeline but of course involves our girls falling in love. Also, thank you to everyone who reviewed and messaged me last night. It really meant a lot. I will continue writing for as long as you want me. Love, IJKS xxx_

**Chapter One**

**Thursday 5****th**** June 2008**

**20:03**

**Home**

It's my birthday today and I have never felt so alone. Ruby is away at boarding school and Dad has gone off to be with his fancy woman. He sent me a text but no card. I know we're fighting at the moment but I had hoped that maybe he'd at least acknowledge the anniversary of the birth of his daughter. But he's too fixated on his own life. Mum always used to buy and sign the cards. Some years, Dad would scrawl his name at the bottom but I guess this year, the first birthday that Mum has been gone, meant that I didn't get anything from him. I don't know why I'm surprised really. He's never had time for me. I did get a nice card and gift through the post from Ruby though and she called me at lunch time. She's such a light in my life. I miss her now she's at boarding school. I objected to Dad sending her there but I had no say in the matter. Of course I didn't. She's only my sister after all.

I put in for leave at the beginning of the week. Dad obviously isn't prepared to listen to me by text or phone so I am heading to Summer Bay in the morning to have it out with him. Dad always taught me to confront issues head on and that's exactly what I plan to do with him. For tonight, I'm sitting in with a bottle of wine and a pizza. All by myself. Happy birthday, Charlie. Many happy returns.

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 6<strong>**th**** June**

**21:36**

**The Sands Hotel, Summer Bay**

Well, I'm now in a tiny town called Summer Bay and so far, it isn't as happy as the name suggests. I had hoped I could fly in and out but it hasn't worked out that way so I'm in a hotel on the outskirts of town. It's called The Sands Hotel and it's okay I guess. Hopefully I won't be stopping here for too long.

Just as I was heading into the area, I was nearly involved in a car crash with a woman who turned out to be none other than Morag Bellingham, the woman who has stolen my Dad. She was messing around with her phone and nearly ploughed into me. It wasn't exactly the nicest entrance into the town but at least it's given me the fuel I need to bring her down. I don't want her anywhere near my father. This whole relationship is completely inappropriate. Mum has only been gone for two months and he's practically dancing on her grave. How on earth do you recover from losing your wife of thirty years in two months? I know I'm a bit of a cold heart when it comes to relationships but then, I haven't been married for thirty years. I do the one night to six month thing and then it's over. You don't really need to grieve for that, do you? How can Dad just wander off with this woman, some local judge or whatever and be happy when mine and Ruby's lives are torn apart?

After the near miss, I ran her registration plate through the computer and tracked her down at some Diner. She was having coffee with Dad and I had no choice but to challenge him. He's living in la-la land if he thinks what he said is the truth. He's convinced that Mum would be fine with him running off with the first woman he sees and that Ruby, _my Ruby, _is happy at boarding school. I'll never forgive him for sending my baby girl away. But because he's playing the father and she's never allowed to know the truth, I can't say a damn word. I can't kick up a fuss, even though I know she's not happy there, in any other guise than a concerned sister. Dad gets the final vote and to hell with us.

You know, it's kind of sad but after Mum passed away, I hoped something good might come out of it. I thought maybe Dad and I could reconnect. I hoped after all these years we might find something to unite us. But he doesn't want to be around me any more than he did before. He ran off as soon as he could and he's abandoning me all over again. What do I have to do to make him proud of me? Why doesn't he love me the way I want him to? Ugh. I don't know why I torture myself with this. No matter what I do, no matter how hard I try to make him proud with work and everything, he'll never feel that way about me and I should stop trying to force him.

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 7<strong>**th**** June**

**13:19**

**The Beach**

I've spent the day wandering around town. This place is pretty pleasant. It feels like a bit of a holiday town without the energy of tourists. There's not much going on but the beach is nice. I like it. It's calming. I haven't seen Dad or Morag since yesterday. I'm not sure how to go forward with breaking them up.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 8<strong>**th**** June**

**12:42**

**The Sands Hotel**

I've reached a decision. I'm going to stick around in Summer Bay for a bit. I've got a phone appointment with my Sergeant in the city to arrange a transfer here. That way, Dad will have to up sticks and be around for Ruby at home, even if it's only for the holidays. And maybe even in the in between times, he might want to hang out with me. I doubt it but I can always hope, can't I? What is life without hope?

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Charlie transfers to Summer Bay and meets some of the locals…<em>


	2. Chapter 2

_Ten points if you can spot the first, vague appearance of Ms Joey Collins! Love, IJKS xxx_

**Chapter Two**

**Monday 9****th**** June**

**11:36**

**Summer Bay Beach**

I spoke to my boss today and he's happy for me to transfer. I'll try not to take it personally that he had no interest in asking me to stay. I haven't really bonded with that many people even though I've been working there for several years now. I guess I'm just a 'do the job and go home' kind of person. I'm not really into the whole socialising thing and mucking around at work, as far as I'm concerned, means you're not working hard enough. I'm still on leave for a few days so I guess I'll check out the town and I need to keep hassling Dad. He needs to stop what he's doing and fast.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 10<strong>**th**** June**

**10:59**

**The Diner**

Maybe this town isn't so dull after all. I came here for breakfast and heard some of the locals talking about some robbery and car chase that happened yesterday. Apparently, this guy and his wife and child have been on the run. They lived here for a while and have been hiding out ever since. But the guy failed to rob a place yesterday and got caught. I'm heading back to the Sands too in order to research it. I think it's a good idea to know the town and how its cops handle those kind of situations before I join them. It should be interesting.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 11<strong>**th**** June**

**21:41**

**The Sands Hotel**

I didn't have the most eventful day. Ruby called though and she seems perky enough. She said she misses me and doesn't want to be at boarding school anymore. Every time I think of her being unhappy, I feel sad. I just want to protect her and make her happy. I love her so much. But it was nice to talk to her. She said that she's going to try and work on Dad too, to help me get him back where he belongs.

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 12<strong>**th**** June**

**16:07**

**The Sands Hotel**

I've been checking out the town for the last few days but I went to Yabbie Creek police station today and met some of the staff. There's a guy called Jack Holden there and I don't think he took too kindly to me, which is unfortunate considering he's my new partner. He's of the opinion that I only got where I am today because of Dad, the impressive Detective Buckton. Ha! If only he knew. I've never got anything from my Dad but rejection and condemnation. I haven't quite sussed Jack out yet to be honest but I'll keep on my toes. He was recently suspected of murder but it was dropped when they realised it was suicide or something. I admit that I was impressed, to a degree, with his recent arrest of a known on-the-run criminal, although I think I would have been tougher with the wife. She's obviously a flight risk. I wasn't working today. I just wanted to get to know the place. There's a nice Constable there called Georgina Watson. She's quiet and mild mannered but she seems nice enough – not that I plan on making friends here. I'm here to do a job and force my father back home to his responsibilities and that's it. That last part, however, is the hard part.

After I'd settled myself in and found my locker and everything, I headed over to that Diner place to see Dad and of course, the delightful Morag. I told them about the transfer, which is where my cunning plan fell flat. Dad completely refuses to go back home and says that Ruby is fine coming to Summer Bay for the holidays. I made a somewhat barbed comment about him being her father, which he ignored. He always has whenever I've kicked off about Rubes. He told me in no uncertain terms that this little dive of a town is his home, insisted that he did grieve for Mum and made his peace with her for their problems (aka, him never being around) while she was sick. Then he turned my stomach by saying he loved Morag. How can you fall in love with someone in two months, especially when you started things no less than two weeks after your wife died? Granted, I've never been in love so I don't know how it feels but I'm pretty sure I can safely say it doesn't happen that quickly. That is ridiculous. I threw a few things at him like reminding him he was never there and accused him of deserting his family, which I feel is totally justified. I'm used to him not being around for me but he's packed Ruby off to some boarding school and acts like he doesn't care if he never sees her again. Well, I do care. I don't want her there and she doesn't want to be there either. She should be at home with me.

Then of course, he chose to drop the bombshell. He's selling the house. I can't believe he'd do that. That was our childhood home. It is where all my memories of Mum are rooted. It's the place I grew up, the place that protected me when I was such a broken teenager. I know I moved out years ago and I spent that year away when I was fourteen but it was the place I always came back to. It's a place that I love. How could we ever be happy to settle down here? I mean, the beach is nice and everything but the whole place consists of about two places to go! It's empty. It's boring. And everyone that I've encountered so far have been completely false. They're all too nice, pretending that they care about how your day's gone. Only that guy, Jack, seems real to me. At least he wasn't intent on buttering me up. At least he made it obvious that he didn't like me. I didn't really like him either so I guess we're good to go, hey?

After Dad told me what he was planning, I upped and left. I drove back to the hotel and I've been hiding out here ever since. I just can't believe he's so eager to cut away from the life he had with Mum. Has he never loved us?

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 13<strong>**th**** June**

**17:58**

**The Sands Hotel**

It's been another difficult day. I headed out in the morning for a run along the beach. Okay, I'll grant this town one thing, the beach is beautiful. The sand looks so perfect and the sea is captivating. It's really just a shame about the people.

I'd stopped running for a bit and had the intention of going to that Diner place when Morag and this blonde guy, Roman walked past me. They were talking about me so it was only fair to be allowed to butt in and defend myself. I heaved a few insults in Morag's direction, you know, just in case she didn't catch the notion that I don't like her. She introduced me to Roman, who works in the Diner. He's pretty hot actually. Even if he's annoying and smug. He has nice hair and pretty eyes. So, I guess that's one thing to add in Summer Bay's favour – there's a little bit of eye candy.

Anyway, Morag told me that Dad had said I was a good cop but she thought I ought to learn to take both sides of a story into account. I didn't let her faze me but the thought of Dad praising me, even behind my back, made my heart soar to an embarrassing degree. If he thinks I'm a good cop, why doesn't he ever tell me that? Why does he find it so hard to praise me? Maybe I don't give it a chance. I certainly didn't give Morag a chance and I won't change that any time soon. I told her to stay out of our lives, which made Roman quip something dumb and irritating about how I had butted into a private conversation. It was a conversation about me! And it hadn't exactly been flattering! Of course I'm entitled to interrupt. They deserved it.

Anyway, after I'd left them, I headed to the Diner for a coffee. Caffeine calms me and makes me feel better. The third good thing I'll say about this place is that the Diner does a mean coffee. I can definitely see myself popping in before work each morning.

While I was in there, I chatted to some waitress called Colleen. She looks like a bit of a busybody but she was pleasant enough I guess. I find it hard to trust people and let them in. Ruby is always calling me on it, especially when it comes to boyfriends, but it's just the way I am. I'm definitely not planning on taking any of these people into my heart any time soon.

While I was having my coffee, Roman came and sat with me. I quickly switched my order to take away but it didn't arrive quickly enough for my liking. He put his do-gooder two cents worth in and turned into a cafe psychologist. He reckons that I'm only behaving this way because I'm jealous and feeling starved of attention. He thinks I'm in a bad place and taking it out on Morag. Too right I'm taking it out on Morag. If she wasn't around, Dad would still be at home. He has actually gone home to see Ruby for a bit. I hope she'll be honest with him and tell him that she doesn't like it at that school. I don't know if she will though.

But anyway, I left soon after Roman started on me. He said that Morag was his family and he didn't like the way I was treating her. Well, she shouldn't have taken my Dad away from me. Maybe there is a bit of attention related jealousy in there. But it's not the way that smart-arse thinks it is. I do want my Dad's attention. I have always wanted my Dad's attention. But he's never given it to me. And I had hoped he might actually spend time with me while we were grieving. But he isn't grieving anymore and he wants to be with Morag. He has no interest in looking after two girls that have lost their mother.

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 14<strong>**th**** June**

**19:39**

**The Sands Hotel**

I've spent most of the day getting to know the area better. I'm slowly working my way around. I know the route between the hotel and the main town like the back of my hand, I've got to know the beach and spent a little time down at the docks. There are houses near there and I took a walk around. I've been trying to recognise people and get to know them, although I'm not doing so well there. I saw a girl who lives near the docks putting some rubbish out. She was pretty. I briefly spoke to Colleen Smart and Irene Roberts who work in the Diner and I chatted a little to Leah Patterson who part owns the place. I bumped into Jack and his wife, Martha and exchanged as many pleasantries as Jack and I appear to be able to muster for each other. I spoke to Ruby again and that was pretty much the summation of my day.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 15<strong>**th**** June**

**14:23**

**The Beach**

I had another easy day. I guess I'd better enjoy the sunshine and the leisurely days to myself really. It'd be easier if I knew anyone in this town. I met up with Dad for lunch but we just started arguing again. I'm certain that he doesn't want anything to do with me. I bet he had a nice little life here until I showed up and ruined everything. I always ruin everything. No wonder he doesn't love me. Anyway, I'm not going to cheer myself up by writing about Dad. I need to face facts. We will never have the relationship that I crave. I just need to get over it.

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Charlie has a bad first day at work and kisses Roman, Ruby comes to stay and Martha ends up in hospital…<em>


	3. Chapter 3

_Well, I am positively giddy with excitement as I passed my driving theory test today so I thought I would celebrate with an extra update. I hope you enjoy it. Also, everyone gets ten points for spotting Joey - she'll be popping up from time to time before she becomes a more important part of Charlie's story. But she isn't in this chapter. Love, IJKS xxx_

**Chapter Three**

**Monday 16****th**** June**

**16:20**

**The Beach**

I'm starting work on Thursday and I can't wait. I don't sit around doing nothing very well, if I'm honest. It gives me too much time to think. That would be great if I had some kind of rich fantasy life or proper hobbies or something but when I'm stuck alone and thinking, I just turn the bad stuff over in my mind. I think about losing Mum and I struggle not to cry. I think about Dad and my heart plummets. I think about Ruby and I feel lost in regret. I think about her conception and it breaks me now. It's sad but really all I have is work. That's what makes me happy.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 17<strong>**th**** June**

**16:47**

**The Sands Hotel**

Dad's back. We're staying in the same hotel but he hasn't made any effort to see me. I don't care. I don't want to see him anyway.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 18<strong>**th**** June**

**10:41**

**The Beach**

I officially start work at Yabbie Creek Police Station tomorrow. I'll be glad to fill my time. I've pretty much been aimlessly wandering around so far. I've met a few of the locals and bumped into that Roman guy a few times but we haven't really spoken. I've seen Morag from a distance a couple of times but I definitely have no interest in talking to her. I've been in touch with Ruby but not Dad. I'm hoping she's succeeded in talking some sense into him where I have so far failed. He always loved her best so if anyone can make him see the mistake he's making, it's my Rubes.

There isn't a whole lot to do in this place, although I have found the local bar. It's okay. A little empty but nice enough and there's a barmaid there called Martha and she's cool. She's around my age and she's probably the most pleasant person I've met here so far. I found out yesterday that she's married to Jack. I'm nervous about being partnered with him tomorrow. I think the dislike is mutual between us already.

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 19<strong>**th**** June**

**19:02**

**The Sands Hotel**

What a horrible first day at work! It looked so promising but it seems like I can't get anything right. No wonder Dad likes it here. He obviously fits in with these people.

I arrived early at work and got started. I figured I'd get myself up to date with what's been happening in town before I got here. Jack arrived with a coffee for me, which, granted, was pretty nice of him but we immediately began warring over the report he'd written. It's just... no good. A court would have a riot with his lack of details. Paperwork obviously isn't this guy's strong point. For such a small town, there is an alarming crime rate here. Just recently, that guy who committed the robbery pleaded guilty and he's been sentenced to nine years. I saw his wife and kid a couple of days ago. She's pretty and the kid is cute. Apparently she had no idea what her husband was doing to get by while they were on the run. She appears to have friends here so I think she might stick around and start to rebuild her life. The charges against her and Irene, who works at the Diner and housed them when she knew the police were after them, have been dropped. More worryingly, I read about a rape case today. A teenage girl was attacked at a party by a boy in her school. It makes my blood turn cold. It's too similar. It's too much. I am staying as far away from it as I can. I can't deal with that kind of thing yet. I don't know my way around.

Things only got worse at lunch time. I headed into the Diner and got lunch and coffee for myself and Jack. Roman approached me, boasting about his famous chicken salad, which to be fair, was one of the best I've ever eaten, and hoped that he hadn't upset me with what he said last week. After everything I've been through in my life, someone snapping and psychoanalysing me and protecting their family isn't exactly going to dent my heart. And to be honest, I respect him for standing up for what he believes in. I might not have the same opinion of Morag that he does but I know if we were in opposite roles, I'd always protect the person I loved. I wonder how they know each other. What makes them family? Not that I'm especially interested. Both of them bug me.

Anyway, when I tried to pay for my coffees, that woman, Colleen tried to hand them over for free. She said it was to welcome me to the Bay but I don't buy it. Giving free stuff to a cop in uniform is not a good idea. I'm not prepared to take the risk of being accused of accepting bribes. If that woman has any skeletons in her closet, I won't be protecting her for the sake of a couple of coffees. When I told Jack about it over lunch, he insisted that she was just being nice. But I still stand by what I said, even if the old woman looked on the verge of tears. She shouldn't be so sensitive.

Jack has this whole theory about how I need to work harder to fit in. I don't want to fit in. Like I told him, I don't need to be loved, I just need to do my job. Aside from my mother and my daughter, I have never felt loved in my life and I have survived this long, haven't I? I don't need people around me. I'm independent and I like it that way. And Mum's gone now anyway and Ruby... well, she'll never love me in a traditional way. For the rest of our lives, she'll believe that we're sisters and she'll love me as such. I won't ever get any more than that and I don't deserve it either.

Why do I always end up miserable in this diary? Am I that much of a maudlin person that I can't stop being angry or unhappy? I know I don't like being this way, living like I do but I just don't know how to do it differently.

Anyway, after lunch, Jack wanted to pop into the Surf Club to see Martha but she was busy doing something else. He gave me a run down on how the place worked and I was horrified to know that the place sells alcohol and lets minors in at the same time. How do they know who's underage or not? That's not right. And I told Jack so. There was a girl who was quite obviously still at school sitting drinking what turned out to be a mocktail. She gave me a hard time when I checked her drink and demanded ID. It turns out that she's Roman's daughter. I felt this strange pang inside me but overrode it. I just couldn't help wondering why Roman can be only a few years older than me – I presume – and have a teenage daughter. It just makes me feel like I could have done things differently if only I'd been strong enough. Anyway, the girl was full of attitude and I obviously pissed off the owner, Alf Stewart. According to Jack, he's the Summer Bay stalwart. It doesn't matter. He needs to be as careful if he's breaking he law, as anyone does.

We got called away to a situation where some mental patient was threatening a group with a broken bottle. It ought to have been me that took charge. Jack might have lived here longer but I'm the Senior Constable. The guy, Jimmy, wouldn't put the bottle down by force. Jack managed to convince him to give it up willingly. I pounced on him, cuffed him, arrested him and we dragged him to the hospital where I got yelled at by some bitch of a Doctor. She and Jack obviously know each other pretty well but I didn't like her at all.

On the way out, Jack and I got into it. I feel that he undermined me and he said I mishandled everything. I didn't. I was just doing my job. There was a man threatening people and he needed to be stopped. He was displaying signs of violence, for goodness sake! Nobody gets special treatment from me. Anyway, he started going on about how a good cop knows their community and that if I want to survive in this town, I need to make the effort to get along with his people. I told him to save his advice for writing a book but privately, he may have a point. I need to tone it down and start getting on with the people who live here. I don't want friends but equally, if I'm going to do my job well, I need to not have a town working against me. Maybe I can work on being nicer. I mean, I'm not about to start holding tea parties in my hotel room but maybe I can smile a bit more. And to begin, I'm going to head out to the Surf Club for a beer and maybe try and be a little more friendly with people.

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 19<strong>**th**** June**

**22:47**

**The Sands Hotel**

I got too friendly. I kissed Roman. I don't even know how it happened. It just... did. I don't even like the guy. Well, I think he's pretty hot and he appears to make more of an effort with me than the likes of Morag and Alf but he irritates me and I don't like him. Maybe I do. I don't know. I'm confused. And I'm painfully aware that I'm doing that impulsive thing where I make a move on a guy without thinking it through. I never take the time to get to know people first. I'm a serial flinger. I don't know how to do the relationship thing. The risk of getting hurt is too great. I mean, look what happened the first time I 'fell' for someone? I much prefer keeping men at a distance and remaining in control. I like to seek affection for a short time and then move on. It's easier that way. I don't like to get attached. I don't think Roman will be a problem though. He looked pretty startled, although not horrified. I apologised and ran off and now I'm here in a hotel that I can't quite call home.

I ordered a beer, which Roman approached and paid for. He was boasting about his salad again and I couldn't quite compliment him for it. He made a barbed comment about how it's difficult to rub everyone up the wrong way and yet I manage it. I accepted the beer and sat down by myself. I had a couple of drinks and nursed them over the course of the evening and then headed out for fresh air. I didn't make friends with anyone and my whole mood was stunted again.

When I was outside, Roman came up to me and we managed to chat, flirt and laugh a little bit. I forced myself to compliment his food and admitted that I knew I needed to calm down. He agreed a little too readily but he wasn't offensive about it. You never know, maybe he could help ingratiate me into society. Well, maybe he would have helped if I hadn't leapt on him. Although, he did kiss me back...

Anyway, I admitted that being fast-tracked through the system wasn't all that it was cracked up to be and he made a comment that let me know either Jack or maybe Martha had told him about what happened today. It's nice to know that confidentiality is important to my fellow cops! Anyway, we chatted and flirted a little more and I kissed him. Then I ran away. And here I am, feeling like an idiot and cursing myself for yet another mistake.

On the plus side, Ruby called to say that she's coming to visit for a few days. I can't wait. I miss her so much.

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 20<strong>**th**** June**

**17:07**

**The Sands Hotel**

Well, Ruby's visit so far hasn't gone so well. I am so disappointed in her that I can hardly describe it. What does she think she's doing? She makes no sense to me right now.

I got a call in the morning from Jack saying he had to take Martha to the hospital and so wouldn't be in, which is inconvenient but fine. I hope Martha is alright. He didn't say what was wrong. I don't get on so well with Jack but Martha seemed okay, the few times I've met her.

I hit the gym before my shift and it was pretty good. Exercise and keeping fit is a passion of mine. I like losing myself in the adrenaline and keeping myself in shape. It's important for a cop to keep fit. On my way out, I bumped into Roman and I think he paid me a compliment. Then he stumbled over asking me out for a drink, which was pretty cute. I've said yes and we're doing something next week, I think, although I still feel pretty weird around him and he was a bit strange with me this afternoon. I mentioned Martha and he ran off like he'd been shot. Maybe they're close or something. I'm not sure.

Anyway, I went on duty and for once I was pretty eager to finish so that I could get ready for Ruby to arrive. I was so looking forward to seeing her again. I really miss her and desperately wish we were all in the city, living as a family and she wasn't away at school. I didn't get to go to boarding school. Maybe if I had, certain things wouldn't have happened but anyway, I guess if it hadn't happened then Ruby wouldn't exist. It's the only comfort I can take from it all. The world would be a much worse place if Ruby Buckton wasn't around. But I'm getting distracted.

I bumped into Ruby on duty. She had her tongue down a blonde, surfer-dude looking guy called Pat. Apparently he's a cleaner or a maintenance man at school. He gave us some space to talk and I asked if she was just trying to upset Dad and I to which she firmly told me not everything is about me. I don't think it is. But she's had this boyfriend for months and not told anyone until the worst possible moment. She got all sappy about how damn happy she was and pretty much told me that she didn't expect me to understand. I can be happy. I think. Just not right now.

As the afternoon progressed, we called Dad and he tried to get to know Pat while I was panicking at Ruby. The way they were making out made me assume that my fifteen year-old baby was no longer a virgin. She assures me that she is but said she does want to have sex with him. He's told her that he doesn't think she is ready so they're waiting, which makes me favour him a little but I have no doubt that he'll assume she's ready fairly soon. And if it turns out she's not, what will happen then? Boys don't always take no for an answer. What if he hurts her? What if he doesn't something I can't protect her from? My heart is breaking at the mere thought of it. She's too young for this kind of thing. They're sharing a bed at the moment too. I don't think they'll settle for making out for much longer. Ruby isn't ready for this kind of thing. She's a kid and she has no comprehension of sex and how scary it and the world can be.

Roman came in and caught my eye. Ever on the ball, Ruby noticed and pretty much called me a hypocrite. It made me embarrassed because yes, I probably am. I kissed him on impulse and I barely know him. He was just the first guy to show me any kind of understanding or compassion. We talked a little about Morag and with Roman in mind, I told Ruby that I was waiting to reserve judgement before I charged in. Charging in so far hasn't helped, after all. Ruby didn't agree. And what happened later makes her a hypocrite too.

Dad and Pat came over to join us and Pat was all over my Ruby. And she was loving it. It made me feel unwell and Dad was less than impressed too. We talked a little and I guess I grilled Pat a little bit. It's my duty to vet Ruby's boyfriends and I don't like this one. To be fair, I haven't liked any of them but this one is potentially serious so I hate him. Dad invited her to stay at the Sands but she wanted to stay with Pat. They skipped off merrily together and left me and Dad to lay into one another. I blame him and he blames me. If he hadn't sent my little girl to boarding school, she never would have met this guy. I don't even understand why he thinks I'm to blame but it was no great surprise. He never takes responsibility for himself and if he can blame me for something, then he will. I'm poison in his family as far as he's concerned.

One thing did come out of our discussion as a three though, Ruby backed me up when she said she didn't want to go to boarding school. She said it was a waste of money and that she could get a good education anywhere. Maybe he'll listen to his golden child if he won't listen to me.

I'd intended on leaving in order to go back to work. I was meant to be on duty this whole time but family stuff got in the way. Never mind. As I stormed across the beach in order to clear my head before going back to the station, Roman caught up with me and we had that strange conversation. Then he ran off and I don't quite know where I stand.

I'd only been back at work for twenty minutes when I got a phone call from Ruby calling me back to the Surf Club. That's when she and the lovely Pat dropped the bombshell. She has been kicked out of school. In light of circumstances, she hasn't quite been expelled but they don't want her back and she doesn't want to go back either. Apparently she was caught kissing and hugging Pat. However, having caught them at it twice now, I doubt there was anything innocent about what she was caught doing. The thought of it makes me feel sick. How can my baby girl not be innocent anymore? She swears she hasn't slept with him and I believe her because she's nothing if not honest but I don't want her even thinking about that kind of thing, much less doing it.

Pat did the decent thing and left us to it for a while. I yelled at Dad, defending Ruby and she yelled at me, defending Dad. We kind of chased ourselves round in circles and then Pat bumped into Morag. Then... I swear, I can hardly believe what happened. Ruby leapt up and bundled Morag into a big hug of squealing delight. She was _so _pleased to meet her and Dad has said _so _many _wonderful _things about her. It turned my stomach and everyone, including that guy, Alf, was watching. Talk about good daughter/bad daughter. She totally showed me up.

I'm meant to be at dinner with Dad, Morag, Ruby and Pat now but I've stood them up. I don't want to sit around a table with them, making small talk and admiring Morag's 'lovely home' – the one she spends the night with my father in. Ugh. That was seriously sickening to think about. And I can't believe what a hypocrite Ruby's being. I thought better of her.

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 20<strong>**th**** June**

**22:10**

**The Beach**

I'm sitting on the beach and struggling to write in the dark. It's hard but I'm not quite ready to go home yet. I headed out to the Surf Club to drown my sorrows and after Ruby had finished making nice with Dad and Morag, she came to find me and challenged me over not showing up for dinner. Apparently Morag went to a lot of effort. I reckon the witch is glad I didn't appear. She doesn't like me and I don't like her. That's just the way it goes. Ruby pretty much read my mind about what I was thinking. I do think she showed me up and I don't think she's being real. She said basically that she didn't like the relationship to start with but she can see how happy Dad is and she wants to support him. Why doesn't anyone ever feel the need to support me? She then said that I've been angry with Dad for as long as she can remember. Yes, I have. She's completely right. And she has no idea how much he's let me down for my entire life. Nothing he can do can make up for it, even if it did occur to him to bother trying.

Jack's wife got taken to the hospital today. She's having problems with the baby. I feel bad for her. Roman went running to her side. I'm still not sure where I stand with him. It all feels ever so complicated, although I guess that's what I do best.

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 21<strong>**st**** June**

**21:20**

**The Sands Hotel**

I forced myself to go for dinner with Dad, Morag, Ruby and Pat tonight. We went to the Diner and it was all very polite. Roman served us. I didn't get the chance to talk to him. He seemed very distracted. I guess he regrets the kiss. I did kind of spring it on him without thinking. I think I regret it too. Pat is officially irritating.

* * *

><p><strong>Monday 23<strong>**rd**** June**

**00:09**

**The Sands Hotel**

I pretty much worked all day. I'm still trying to get to grips with everything but I feel like I'm settling in. I like that Watson woman. She seems pretty nice. Maybe we'll be friends. Who knows?

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Charlie sleeps with Roman, Ruby enrols at Summer Bay High and Pat leaves town…<em>


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four**

**Monday 23****rd**** June**

**03:42**

**The Sands Hotel**

I slept with Roman. It's so typical of me to get carried away with a guy before I really know him. I'm not entirely sure if I regret it yet or not but I left him sleeping and crept out of his room not so long ago. I hope something comes of it. I really don't want another disaster under my belt, which is exactly why I need to think first and only have sex with someone if I really trust them and see a future. I guess that's the problem when you're incapable of love. I've got so much to write but I'm already exhausted. It's late and I have an early start in the morning so I'd better write more tomorrow.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 24<strong>**th**** June**

**20:55**

**The Sands Hotel**

Well, it's been an eventful few days to say the least. The weekend was weird. I wanted to spend time with Ruby. I've missed her so much. But every time I saw her, Pat was a tagalong so we hardly got quality time together. He actually seems like a nice enough guy but I don't think he and Ruby are right for each other. I know her better than anyone else in the world and I'm certain that she's just carried away with him. It's not the whirlwind love affair that she's dreaming it is. I guess it's something she needs to find out for herself but it's so hard not to interfere. She's my girl and I love her so much. I never want her to be hurt or lost or alone. I know too well how that feels.

Yesterday was a pretty busy work day. Jack was off again so I was patrolling alone when I caught a speeding car. It turned out to be Nicole Franklin, Roman's daughter – the girl I accused of drinking underage. This time, my accusations were correct. Not only was she speeding, she was driving without a license. And she's failed her test no less than five times. This might be a good moment to remind myself rather proudly that I passed first time but that would be arrogant so I won't. She tried to sweet talk her way out of it but I had no choice. I couldn't just let it slide. I booked her and took her back to Roman who was working at the Diner. He was less than impressed and had a bit of a row with Nicole. I found out later that she's got a $350 fine. Poor Roman.

In the afternoon, Dad came charging up to me with Pat scampering alongside him and snapped that Ruby had enrolled herself into Summer Bay High. I'm not surprised. She can't go back to boarding school even if she wanted to and she's made it very clear that she doesn't want to. Where else is she going to study? She wants to live in Summer Bay so that's where it makes sense for her to go to school. Dad didn't like it though. I'm not sure what he wants to happen. He laid into Pat who stuck up for himself and pointed out that he was the only one there for Rubes when Mum died. That makes me feel guilty. I tried to be there as much as I could. But she couldn't leave school and I couldn't leave work. I called her every single day and visited on weekends and we had that week between Mum's death and her funeral. But I accept that I didn't take care of her the way I should have. I have never taken care of her the way I should have. I'm playing her sister, after all. I was always meant to be her Mum. Anything less than that means I'm letter her down.

After Pat and Dad stormed off, Roman approached me. He offered me a free dessert, apparently to say thank you about Nicole but I lost my rag. I'm still anxious about bribes and I don't take kindly to people being overly nice. I can't help it. I must have some kind of distrust built into my soul. Anyway, I pretty much called him an irresponsible father and walked out.

I went back later on a break from work and apologised. I told him about the fine and asked him out for a drink. He was reluctant at first and I think he thought I was only doing it in order to say sorry but I assured him I wanted to go out with him and he agreed. He seemed pretty into the idea and we went out after work.

I had no idea what to wear so I went for casual but pretty. He looked really smart in a shirt and trousers and we had a great time – obviously. I found him really easy to talk to and he didn't judge me for having so many plans in my life, so many things I wanted to achieve within a certain timescale. What can I say? I'm an ambitious kind of girl.

Anyway, we chatted, we flirted, we laughed and then he took me home. The sex was good. I mean, it wasn't earth shattering. I don't think I have ever had earth-shattering sex. But it was good. I enjoyed myself. And he was really cute, curling up and holding me. That's not really my thing though. I've never been a cuddly sleeper. I'm never been a cuddly person generally. So in the early hours of the morning, I extracted myself from his arms, got dressed and headed home – not before I spotted a DNA test on his bedside table. And there is only one reason I know of that he would have such a thing.

When I saw him the next day, he was all cute and said he missed me when he woke up. He told me Nicole saw me leaving, which I'm certain went down like a lead balloon judging by the way she was glaring at us from outside the Surf Club. She was with a blonde guy. I think his name's Geoff. I'm still getting to know people really.

Roman tried to sound me out about whether I saw anything strange in his room. I feigned innocence but I know he was talking about the DNA test. I'd mentioned it to Jack that morning, trying to suss Roman out a bit through the people who know him. Little did I know but Jack went running right to Martha to ask him about it and now I'm a little nervous. I saw Roman and Martha talking rather urgently after he left me so I think she told him I was asking. That really doesn't make me look good!

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 25<strong>**th**** June**

**23:00**

**The Sands Hotel**

Something weird is definitely going on. Ever since I mentioned Martha and Roman talking after Jack told her about the DNA test, Jack has been really weird. And I heard on the grapevine that he went missing today and then appeared at the Diner and tried to punch Roman. It doesn't take a genius to figure it out. Roman might be the father of Martha's baby. I don't know if she had an affair or if they were together before she was with Jack or what but the truth is fairly obvious. Roman hasn't be in touch all day. I'm not sure I really want to get involved in this anyway. It all seems pretty messy. Anyway, Jack totally freaked out over everything and attacked Roman. I hope everyone is okay. And I hope Roman might call soon. I'm not pining for him or anything but I feel a little nervous now that we've slept together. He's the closest thing I have to a friend in this place, although Jack and Martha are growing on me, and I'd hate to lose that because I jumped into bed with him too soon. I never learn.

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 26<strong>**th**** June**

**19:14**

**The Beach**

I don't know why I insist on sitting on the beach in the dark to write but I do. I find the sound of the waves relaxing.

I think Ruby and Pat's relationship might be short lived and I'm glad! They're sleeping in his truck on the beach, which for starters is illegal and secondly, is kind of gross. I'm far from impressed but just got called boring for caring. It's my job to care about Ruby. It's what I was put on the earth to do. It's all I _want_ to do. It's more important than work. And that is quite the statement! Anyway, I put it in her mind that maybe Pat isn't 'the one' and she looked pretty thoughtful about the whole thing. I really think it'll be better for both of them if they split up and not just because I'm feeling overprotective. She starts school tomorrow.

Roman still hasn't called.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 29<strong>**th**** June**

**21:59**

**The Sands Hotel**

The weekend has been pretty nice. Ruby enrolled at school on Friday. She seems pretty excited about it and she is already making friends with the local kids. It makes me feel so proud of her. She's so warm and loving. She's so good at making friends. Obviously she doesn't take after me. But then, she doesn't take after her father either so who knows how she will turn out? I see a lot of Mum in her. She's positive and outgoing and she wins people over with ease. I love her so much.

And in even better news, Pat upped and left Summer Bay. Ruby was pretty sad about it but I think she knows it was the right decision. He couldn't get a job and he appeared to decide that they weren't meant to be together. Part of me wants to say, how dare he dump by baby girl? But mostly, I'm glad. She's too good for him. To be fair, she's too good for most boys but maybe one day she'll find someone I like!

Anyway, she and I were pretty inseparable for the weekend and I loved every minute of it. Dad booked her in here at the Sands and she managed to convince the hotel staff to give her a room next to mine, which is pretty cool. We spent so much time together and it felt wonderful to reconnect without the distraction of boys and parents and everything. She really means the world to me.

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Charlie and Roman start seeing each other, Ross proposes to Morag and the students go to Science Camp…<em>


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter Five**

**Monday 30****th**** June**

**12:30**

**The Surf Club**

I'm on my break from work and enjoying a snack at the Surf Club so I thought I'd take a moment to write in here and update myself. Roman still hasn't been in touch and I haven't seen him whenever I've gone to the Diner – not that I've been there a lot.

But anyway, I had a good weekend, as I said. Ruby and I hung out loads. She seems to be settling in pretty well, much quicker than I did. I feel like I'm still struggling a little, although I did have dinner with Dad and Morag on Saturday and it went really well. Morag and I made an effort to get along and I'm determined to be supportive and friendly. Giving Dad a hard time about being with someone new has got me nowhere and I don't want to lose him. I love him, even if I'm not always sure if he loves me. Well, I know he loves me but I don't think he likes me very much. Maybe if I'm supportive and take the time to get to know Morag like Ruby has, he might warm to me. Maybe she will too. I can probably learn a lot from Rubes. She's got a good head on her shoulders. I'm so proud of the person she's becoming.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 1<strong>**st**** July 2008**

**22:07**

**The Sands Hotel**

I had lunch with Morag and it was really nice. Once you actually take the time to get to know her, she's not half bad. She comes out with a few funny witticisms and she does seem to love my Dad. I don't exactly want them to be together but I am very slowly coming around to the idea. Slowly.

I've still heard nothing from Roman. I think I was used.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 2<strong>**nd**** July**

**23:19**

**The Sands Hotel**

Well, I had my second official date with Roman today and it was really nice. He caught up with me in the Diner and apologised for not getting in touch. I said it was fine, although privately, I was starting to worry that because I'd slept with him, he'd lost interest. It wouldn't be the first time.

He asked why I hadn't called him and I said I wanted to stay out of what whatever was going on between him and Jack. As much as I like Roman, Jack's my partner and he seems like he's really hurting at the moment. We haven't talked about it as such. We're not that close. I'm not that close to anyone except Ruby. But anyway, I told him my theory and he proved me correct. Martha has two candidates for the paternity of her unborn baby – her husband, Jack and her ex-boyfriend, Roman. But apparently things are better now that things are out in the open. Jack is ready to be a Dad and Roman... well, he's not so sure but he's happy just to go with whatever happens.

We went out for a walk and chatted a little, flirting a little bit more and paying each other a few compliments. He's noticed that I've tried to change my attitude towards people and so far, it seems to be working. I've been getting along better with Jack, I haven't had any run ins with Dad or Morag and while I wouldn't exactly say I've been making friends, I'm starting to bond a little bit with people. It's nice, I guess.

And it seems that someone has taken my place with the bad attitude. There's a guy who lives here called Aden. He's in his late teens, I'd guess and works at the Diner. Roman has taken him in as a lodger and he appears to have a lot of issues. He doesn't exactly provide service with a smile though. Mind you, I guess I don't either. Maybe he and I would get along.

Anyway, while we were on our walk, Roman asked me to go for a drink with him in the afternoon. I headed back to the hotel and spent ages getting ready. I don't mind admitting that, not to you anyway. I hope _he_ thinks that I look good without any effort. We had a pretty good time. Nothing physical happened but we talked loads and I really enjoyed myself. I gave him some tips on handling Nicole which I hope might help. I'm still feeling pretty cautious about the whole Roman thing. I've been hurt so many times and I don't really do relationships but so far, he seems really nice and I hope I will allow myself just to go with the flow.

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 4<strong>**th**** July**

**03:32**

**Police Station**

I'm on a night shift and I have very little to do so I thought I would drop some notes down. Not a whole lot is happening. I've seen a little bit of Roman and I really quite like him, things between me, Dad and Morag are much improved, Jack is giddy at the prospect of being a Dad and Martha went for her first ultrasound yesterday. Ruby has to go on a school camping trip at the weekend. She isn't terribly thrilled but as usual, I am sure she'll make the best of it. Right now, I need lashings of coffee in order to keep myself awake. I hate night shifts. I doubt that I'll ever enjoy them. Still, I guess it keeps life interesting – usually. Not tonight. Tonight is dull and boring.

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 4<strong>**th**** July**

**22:40**

**The Sands Hotel**

Well, I had a lovely day from start to finish. I don't think I've written that for a long time! But I'm feeling really good about things. Ruby has settled into school and she's off to Science Camp tomorrow. Dad has been paying for her to have a room here at the hotel. We're all together now and it feels nice.

Ruby seems to be quite enjoying hotel life, although I feel we ought to look for a proper place to live soon. I think she's mostly enjoying not having to clean up after herself. And I'm spending more time with Dad and we're not fighting. Morag and I are getting along to and I feel pretty good about life.

Work is going well and Jack and I feel like we're friends now, which is nice. I never thought that would happen! And of course, there's Roman. We've been spending proper time together and we've kissed several times. We went running together when I finally woke up from my rest after yesterday's night shift and I totally out-ran him, which was awesome. Not that I'm competitive or anything! Much!

The only downer on it was Nicole. She saw us on the beach and if looks could kill, I think I'd be six feet under by now. Then when Roman and I caught up with Dad and Morag in the Surf Club, she charged up to us and started ripping into her Dad. She asked if we were dating or if I was a 'cheap fling'. Charming! Roman took her to one side and I tried not to eavesdrop but I couldn't help it. Like Nicole, I'd be quite interested to find out what we're actually doing. He told her that we were friends but indicated that it might go somewhere. I'm not entirely sure friends is the right description. I mean, I don't usually make out with my friends and I have definitely spent a fair amount of time making out with Roman. It's been nice. He's a good kisser. And I really enjoy spending time with him. I hope it goes somewhere. I mean, I don't want anything serious – I don't _do_ serious – but I hope that it'll progress enough that I won't just be his friend. The whole thing with Nicole was pretty embarrassing. She stormed out and Roman hurried after her.

Tonight, I had dinner with Dad and Ruby and it was really nice just spending quality time with my family. Even Ruby agrees that things are better now that Pat has left. I do think he was a nice guy but he wasn't right for Ruby. And selfishly, having not seen much of her recently, I quite like having her to myself. Dad compared Nicole to me when it came to relationships. Goodness, I really hope I wasn't like that brat!

But I'm totally supportive of Dad's relationship now. Actually he told us tonight that he's planning on proposing tomorrow. And he asked me to help. He asked Ruby too but she has her Science Camp weekend thing and can't make it. So it's up to me to help Dad organise himself.

After dinner, I headed into the Diner kitchen and caught up with Roman and Leah. I don't think I've mentioned Leah before but she owns the Diner with Roman. She's Greek, very beautiful and really nice. I hope she and I might become friends. She's nice. I like her. Anyway, I booked the Diner for tomorrow night and they agreed to shut early so we could do everything properly, although I refused to spill the reason for the special meal. Well, I refused to spill until Roman offered to walk me home. We kissed for ages outside the hotel. I felt like a giggling teenager again. What am I talking about? I was never a giggling teenager. Maybe I'm making up for all the time I missed.

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 5<strong>**th**** July**

**23:31**

**The Sands Hotel**

Today was so promising and it was all going so well but then it got ruined by, surprise-surprise, Nicole. I really don't like that girl, which is unfortunate considering I'm dating Roman. I mean, am I dating him? We've been going on dates. We slept together once. And we kiss and make out regularly now. I really ought to make the effort to get on with his daughter. But I don't think she'll be too receptive to that. She really seems to hate me.

Anyway, I spent most of the day preparing for Dad's surprise proposal. Leah tried to get it out of me and Roman but we remained tight lipped. Dad was adamant that nobody must know, just in case they told Morag by accident or something.

In the evening, I headed over to the Diner and met Morag outside. She was immediately confused and suspicious as to what was going on. I took the moment to make official and genuine peace with her and give her my blessing on her relationship with my Dad. She was surprised but pleased and then when I led her inside, she was completely blown away. It was so romantic with candles and a laid table and Dad was in his best suit. Roman and I were the waiting staff and his food looked delicious.

We gave them some privacy when our duty was over and Dad proposed. Well, I presume he did. I haven't actually spoken to him since we left. It was all very romantic though. Roman got all cute about it and kissed me in the kitchen. He seems to be quite romantic. I like that about him. While Dad was proposing, Roman and I went for a nice long walk along the beach. We held hands and stopped to make out for quite some time.

Dad and Morag were gone by the time Roman and I got back. We cleaned up and did the dishes. We were just getting carried away with each other again and Roman invited me to go back to his place when there was a knock on the door. Kirsty, who was on the run with her husband Kane when I first arrived in the Bay and now works as the school secretary, had dragged Nicole back from Science Camp. She got caught being naughty with a guy in the bush and was taken home. She is in serious disgrace. And now of course, I'm back at the hotel all alone while Roman deals with her. Our night was good while it lasted, I guess. Hopefully I'll catch up with him tomorrow or something, although I've got a pretty heavy work day ahead of me.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 6<strong>**th**** July**

**11:13**

**The Beach**

Well, it sounds like the camping trip was a disaster from start to finish. I had breakfast with Ruby and she was ranting about how some kid, Jai and his mate played a practical joke on Ruby's friend Annie. They were both pretty freaked out. Between that and the Nicole debacle, I think the whole thing is something the school would rather forget. I mean, who is running that place? It's crazy.

I haven't seen anything of Roman so far. I guess he's busy with Nicole. And I've got to start woke in fifteen minutes. But I won't fret. He was so lovely last night until we got interrupted. I really think this might go somewhere.

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Charlie meets Angelo, Martha is diagnosed with cancer and Jai has an accident…<em>


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter Six**

**Monday 7****th**** July**

**21:37**

**The Sands Hotel**

I love my darling Ruby. She is one smart cookie. She is beautiful and wonderful and totally awesome and I think she deserves some kind of present. I'm choosing not to be concerned by how well she knows how to handle guys. She's fifteen for goodness sake! She shouldn't be advising me on boyfriends, or whatever it is that Roman is meant to be. I certainly didn't know about boys when I was her age. Well, I did. I knew more than I'd ever consented to. But I didn't know about relationships and how to handle them.

But anyway, I met up with Dad and Morag in the Diner and congratulated them officially on their engagement. I was backed up with work most of yesterday so I didn't get time to think, let alone socialise. I did call Roman a couple of times but he never called me back. I guess he was up to his neck in Nicole stuff. If she wanted his attention, she's definitely got it now.

Anyway, Ruby joined us and we all talked about the wedding. Typically, Ruby is keen for something big and bold. Dad and Morag aren't quite so keen. She has convinced them to get us new dresses though and Morag has asked us to be her bridesmaids. That's got to be a good sign, right? We hated each other a few weeks ago.

After Dad and Morag left us to it, Rubes and I chatted. It feels so good to be close with her again. I never want us to drift away from each other again, no matter the circumstances. We talked more about the wedding and Ruby asked if I was as happy about it as I make out. I am. I mean, I think they're rushing it a bit but to be honest, I could date someone for a hundred years and I doubt I'd want to get married. It's just not me.

Anyway, as usual, Ruby and I chatted about anything and everything. I warned her not to be so judgemental of Nicole after she made comments about what she got up to on the trip. That led us onto the subject of Roman. I explained the predicament I'm in, about not quite knowing where I stand with him. I said that I was unsure if he would keep our date for tomorrow night and Ruby offered a pearl of wisdom. She said that I should cancel the date before he did and that it would make him want me more. So, I headed into the Diner kitchen and offered him a get out clause and he said he really, really wanted to see me. It was awesome. He said he's pretty stressed and had a horrible meeting with the school. Nicole remains unapologetic and as much of a handful as ever but he still wants to go out. He was touched that I cared enough to give him the option. Maybe this is the way to handle him from now on. Careful manipulation goes a long way!

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 8<strong>**th**** July**

**23:22**

**The Sands Hotel**

Today officially sucked. I am in such a bad mood and not even a tub of ice cream with Ruby in her hotel room cheered me up, although it did feel good to rant. She always knows how to make me feel better. Sometimes I wonder what would happen if she ever found out the truth about me. We get on so well, we trust and love each other so much; it's scary to think how easily that could change.

I started the day feeling very positive. Just as I was starting my shift, I booked a romantic table at a restaurant for me and Roman and I was so excited about it all. Then my new partner arrived! His name is Angelo and he is seriously annoying! He thinks he's the most charming guy in the world and I guess deep, deep down he is quite sweet and funny but not as much as he believes! He also thinks he is a stud. I think he's pretty handsome. I mean, he isn't Roman but he's pretty cute. He has brown hair and he wears the uniform nicely. He's got that kind of boyish, cheeky-chappy appeal, I suppose.

Anyway, he drove me crazy pretty much from the start. He plied me with compliments about my perfume and stuff, at which point I firmly told him to stay on his own side of the car. I was worried about Jack but Angelo didn't know why he was off. I found out later that Martha has been diagnosed with breast cancer. I feel so bad for her. Cancer obviously hits a nerve with me and I can empathise too much. I hope she's okay. She's so young to be going through something like this.

Anyway, the more I worried about Jack, the more certain Angelo became that I was thrilled to be spending the day with him. He was greatly mistaken, I can tell you! He doesn't stop talking! And it's not like he's talking about anything special. He spouts crap about crap! He told me that I was different than he expected. Apparently women who charge up the career ladder usually have nothing else going from them. In other words, when he was told about me, he thought I'd be ugly. I wouldn't say I'm stunning or anything but I get by. He thinks I'm hot apparently, which I will take as a compliment, even if it was yet another point of irritation.

When I got the phone call from the restaurant confirming my booking, Angelo listened in without shame and concluded that I had a hot date. I didn't really want to talk about it with him. I barely know the guy. But he decided that Roman must be boring because I told him that he doesn't talk a mile a minute like Angelo does!

As we were patrolling, we came across a guy parking illegally. He was with Nicole, who immediately gave me hassle. Angelo tried to step in and defend me but I soon put him in his place. I'm a Senior Constable. I can handle myself well enough, thank you.

I gave the guy, Elliot, a warning and then let him go. He seemed pretty apologetic and he didn't seem to know that he wasn't allowed to park there. Angelo was full of wonder about why I let it go and why I put up with Nicole. It was annoying.

He then wanted me to blow Roman out and go on a date with him in order to celebrate our first working day together. I think he actually expected me to say yes. As if! Although, with how things turned out, I almost wish I had. Almost. I turned him down flat of course and then he told me that whoever my mystery guy was, nobody would ever treat me better than him. I guess that was kind of sweet. He sounded pretty sincere.

But no, it's Roman I want to be with. I just wish Roman was showing more signs that he wanted to be with me! And because of the situation with Martha, Jack is going to be off for a while, which means I'm going to be stuck with Angelo for a good long while. Joy!

Once I heard about Martha, I went round to see Roman. I assumed he knew but I totally put my foot in it and ended up being the one who broke the news to him. I felt so bad and he was devastated enough to cancel our date. That, in turn, left me devastated but I guess I understand. I felt sad when I heard and I don't even know her that well. He had a relationship with her and he's potentially the father of her child. The bond there must be pretty strong, even if they aren't together anymore. Either that or he still loves her. I don't know. I hope not. I'm probably overreacting. But whatever the case, I've be left alone and disappointed yet again. It sucks.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 9<strong>**th**** July**

**14:30**

**The Diner**

I haven't heard hide nor hair of Roman. I guess he's consumed with Nicole. She appears to be dating that guy I saw her with yesterday and Roman isn't happy about it. Plus he has Martha to worry about. She's going ahead with her pregnancy and putting off treatment, which is putting her life at risk. I'm really worried about her. Oh, and I'm having another Angelo day. He was actually worse than yesterday, if that's possible.

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 11<strong>**th**** July**

**04:50**

**The Sands Hotel**

I got called into work tonight. There's been an accident and some high school kid has died and another one is injured – they're the boys that scared Annie on the camping trip. They were on a stolen scooter and got hit by a car. The driver drove off and hasn't left much evidence. It'll keep me busy for however long it takes to crack the case. And of course I have the delightful Angelo on hand to help me. What a lucky girl, I am!

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 13<strong>**th**** July**

**12:31**

**The Beach**

My body clock is officially screwed. I've been working my butt off to try and figure out what happened to Axel and Jai but I've not made much headway yet. Give me time. And sleep. Sleep would be good also.

I did get a brief reprieve yesterday and Morag, Ruby and I went shopping for outfits for the wedding on Wednesday. We were cutting it a little fine I guess but everything has been so hectic and we got what we wanted so that's good.

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Ross and Morag get married, Charlie helps Roman deal with Nicole and she and Ruby move in with Leah…<em>


	7. Chapter 7

_Thank you again to everyone who has left feedback about this story. I have to admit that even I liked Angelo at this point in the show! Oh, how things change… Anyway, I hope you enjoy the chapter. Love, IJKS xxx_

**Chapter Seven**

**Monday 14****th**** July**

**21:00**

**The Sands Hotel**

I saw Roman briefly today. He and Nicole had an argument last week and she left to see her mother. Now he's worried because he hasn't heard from her. I'm torn between understanding that he's stressed, and hurt that he hasn't had Nicole to deal with for days and yet he still hasn't been in touch. Maybe I just need to accept that he's not that into me. It's just that when I do see him, he's so sweet and it gives me false hope.

Work was pretty stressful. A local boy called Aden, who is Roman's lodger, came to the station with his girlfriend, Belle. They think that Aden's father, Larry, who is an alcoholic, was involved in the crash that killed Axel. He said that the car showed signs of damage and it fits the witness description we handed out. But when they confronted Larry about it, he burnt the car out and disappeared. So now it's up to us to find him.

I've been working since six o'clock this morning though and everything has been hectic ever since it happened so I gave in and I've come home for the night. I'll start again tomorrow. Not that this hotel feels like home. How could it? Ruby and I really need to start looking into finding a proper place to live.

Dad and Morag are getting married in two days time. I can hardly believe that it's come around so quickly. On the plus side, it means I get some time off to celebrate with them! I'm looking forward to that. The day after that, Martha is going in for treatment at the hospital. I bumped into her and wished her luck. I hope she is alright.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 15<strong>**th**** July**

**23:43**

**The Sands Hotel**

I just got back from a lovely evening with my family. I never thought I'd write something like that again but it felt good to celebrate with them and I am really genuinely happy for my Dad. I know it's taken a fair bit of time to make things work with Morag but I do like her and I am happy for them to be together. We had drinks at Morag, Roman, Nicole and Aden's place and Dad gave Morag a gold bracelet he had bought her as a wedding present. She then presented him with tickets for three months in Europe for their honeymoon. How awesome is that? They'll have a wonderful time!

We all had a great evening and I saw Roman for a bit. Ruby was about as subtle as a brick through the window when she loudly asked in front of him if I was going back to the Sands with her or if I would be sleeping over at the house. I told her firmly that I would be going back to the hotel and Roman then caught up with me to apologise for not being around. He said he is stressing over Nicole as she still hasn't been in touch. I was nice about it but I've started not to expect anything else from him. On the way out, I whinged at Ruby for being so tactless but I know she did it on purpose and I know, in her way, she was trying to look out for me.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 16<strong>**th**** July**

**23:53**

**The Sands Hotel**

I just got back in after a very long day! It was a good day for the most part and Dad and Morag have happily scampered off on their honeymoon. I hope they have a good time. I'm sure they will. They looked so happy as they skipped off into the sunshine together.

I was up and out early in the morning and Jack, Alf and I, with a few other people got the Surf Club ready for the ceremony and reception. Jack is trying so hard to keep things together. I feel so bad for him. Martha is having treatment tomorrow and they are both terrified. I hope everything goes well and Martha can beat this horrible disease. It was too late for Mum but it looks like the Doctors caught Martha's condition early.

After the Surf Club, I collected Ruby and we headed round to help Morag get ready. She looked lovely in a very smart, demure suit. Alf came over to take us to the wedding and he convinced a very reluctant Morag to wear Colleen's broach. I didn't realise this until now but Colleen is Alf and Morag's long lost sister or something. I guess I am still getting used to this town and its community connections. I'm getting there though and I feel like I am starting to make friends now. It feels nice, although I think I will always approach with caution. I always have, at least since what happened to me when I was a kid.

The ceremony itself was beautiful. I was so proud of Dad and he looked so happy. Ruby got all carried away and romantic. It was so sweet. The whole town turned out to celebrate with them and it was wonderful. I'm so glad that I managed to make things up with Dad and Morag. I would have hated to miss it. And I hope that Mum is up in Heaven now and happy that her husband is happy again after losing her.

The reception was really nice and I made the effort to talk to people and get to know them. Alf appears to have forgiven me for accusing him of selling underage alcohol. He's a very sweet and funny guy. I guess he's my step-uncle or something now. I'd never thought of it that way before.

Jack and Martha made the best of the day, although they have the weight of the world on their shoulders right now. Martha and Morag are particularly close so I know Martha would never have missed it. And Dad and Morag feel a little guilty about disappearing on her when she's going through so much but I doubt she would have wanted them to miss out on anything for her sake.

I didn't see much of Roman for most of it but then when I pointed this out to him, he said he'd been saving the best for last. Whether he meant it or not, it made me feel special. I told him not to wait too long or he might miss out and we had a dance together. It was really nice.

Ruby got talking to Leah and discovered that she is looking for tenants to move in with her so that she can get rent. So, Ruby and I are moving in at the weekend! Leah is really nice and I'm looking forward to getting to know her better. She always seems to be friendly and smiley and I like that about her. She's different to me! Hopefully we three and her son, VJ will get on well.

I spoke to Ric, who is the guy who got hurt when Kane committed that robbery. He seems nice enough. Tony was there. He is Jack's Dad and married to Rachel the Doctor. Then there's Miles, who is a teacher and he fosters kids like Jai. He's also taken Kirsty (Kane's wife) and her son Oliver in. And Irene works in the Diner and plays Mum to Belle, Geoff and Annie. And that's Summer Bay 101!

After the wedding, I saw Ruby back to the hotel and then went back to Roman's place. He was being really attentive and affectionate and we were just skipping up to the bedroom when he got a text message.

Apparently his ex, Natalie, (Nicole's Mum) has been on holiday and hasn't heard from Nicole. Naturally it sent Roman into a spin because he has no idea where his daughter is now. He wanted to race out in the world to try and find her but agreed when I pointed out that neither of us could drive because we'd been drinking and we didn't even know where to start.

He rang around her friends and I sent Angelo out on patrol to try and find her. Roman then began to panic and convinced himself that she was with Elliot. I knew he didn't want me to stay so I volunteered to go home and now, here I am. I had hoped that when I offered to go, he had said he wanted me to stay but he didn't. He just apologised again for messing me around. I am heading round there first thing tomorrow in cop mode in order to help him track her down.

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 17<strong>**th**** July**

**20:49**

**The Sands Hotel**

Well, I had yet another disappointing day. I headed round to Roman's first thing and we had a coffee before setting off for the city to ask Elliot if he had seen Nicole. On a different day, it might have been nice to spend that amount of time with Roman but he was distracted and disinterested.

When we got to the house, Nicole answered the door. She was rude to me of course and ended up arguing with Roman. Then Elliot appeared, half naked, although Nicole insists that he had been the perfect gentleman all week.

After a lot of negotiation, she came back with us but not before Elliot announced that he was moving to the Bay. Roman was horrified but kept quiet. The journey home was a little awkward. It was kind of hard to be in a car with a guy intent on messing me around and a girl who makes it obvious that she doesn't like me.

I went back with Roman to his place and it looked like we might get close to each other again but Jack charged in and yelled at Roman for not convincing Martha to go ahead with chemotherapy despite the risks to the baby. It's such a hard thing to think about. I can understand every side. How on earth do you make a decision like that? At least by the time I realised I was pregnant, it was too late to have to make that kind of choice.

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 18<strong>**th**** July**

**16:22**

**The Beach**

I went back to work today and heard on the grapevine that Jack, Roman and Martha are doing the paternity test to find out once and for all who the father is. Of course, I didn't hear this from Roman. He sent me home again yesterday and I have barely seen him since. He's been too busy. I wonder if I will ever find someone who truly loves me.

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 19<strong>**th**** July**

**22:11**

**Home**

I have a home again! How exciting! Ruby and I packed up and moved into Leah's place. I've got the room downstairs and Ruby is upstairs. Her room is a bit bigger because she cares more about that kind of thing than I do and quite frankly, I would do anything for her. Leah, Ruby, VJ and I had dinner together and spent time getting to know each other better. She's nice and VJ is lovely. I think we will be really happy here.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 20th July<strong>

**13:07**

**The Diner**

I'm just on a break from lunch. I'm working with Angelo again. He's becoming bearable. It's almost endearing really.

We're sure that Larry is responsible for Jai and Axel's accident but we can't find him yet. We're working on it though.

Does it sound terrible that my heart isn't breaking over Axel's death? I know the idea of someone dying so young is terrible but he was a rapist. He raped that poor girl, Melody. I looked her up on the system and she's in a mental health clinic now because she's so broken over everything that happened. I can empathise so much with her. And I just can't feel sad that the guy who abused her is dead. I wish I could. I wish I had the capacity to empathise but I don't. It won't affect my treatment of his case or anything, of course it won't, but a dead rapist is the best kind as far as I'm concerned. I sound evil, don't I?

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Charlie and Roman keep this casual, Angelo scores a date with Belle and Jimmy causes trouble…<em>


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter Eight**

**Monday 21****st**** July**

**16:45**

**Home**

I'm just about to make dinner before I start my night shift. I'm working with Angelo again. Oh, the joy.

Today was all a bit strange really. I decided last night that I am going to stop hanging around waiting for Roman to be interested in me. He either likes me or he doesn't and I'm tired of being messed around.

So of course, rather than tackle anything head on, I opted to avoid him like the plague. I even went as far as sending Ruby in with the cash to get coffees for us this morning. Of course, she knows me inside out and was perfectly aware of my avoidance issues and called me on it. I explained and she didn't think my plan of action was a good one. But then, she never does. We are chalk and cheese when it comes to the way we deal with people. She also pointed out that I must like Roman a lot if I'm this hurt by him messing me around. Let's face it, I'm not a stranger to being messed around by guys.

I think I do like him a lot. He's good looking and kind and safe. Everyone thinks the world of him so he's not going to be a dangerous guy. The only thing wrong with him is that I'm the last thing on his mind. Unfortunately, that feels like quite a big thing right now. A girl needs to feel wanted.

Even though I have no interest in him and I don't think he's for real, at least Angelo makes me feel wanted. I think he'd be a lovely boyfriend really. I think he'd put his girlfriend at the centre of his universe. All I wish now was that Roman would do the same.

Anyway, to make matters worse, Roman then appeared with flowers. He apologised to me for not being around and my heart leapt at the thought that he was changing and wanting to make things up to me. I immediately forgave him and then watched him leave in order to take the flowers to Martha in hospital. Astute as ever, Ruby knew I'd hoped the flowers were for me. She said she'd thought it too so at least I wasn't the only one who'd got it wrong. I feel like an idiot for being so damn disappointed but I can't help it. Why doesn't he care about me?

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 22<strong>**nd**** July**

**04:32**

**Work**

Well, it's been a fairly long shift so far. After the debacle with Roman earlier, he called me. I headed round to see him before work and again, I was full of hope that it was a social thing. But... no. He wants me to do a background check on this guy, Elliot.

He and Nicole are spending more time together than Roman is comfortable with and he says he doesn't trust me. I did what he asked and there is nothing dodgy in Elliot's past or present so I think Roman is just being overprotective. And he can be as overprotective as he wants because he doesn't have a girlfriend or anything remotely similar to worry about. I'm over it. I want nothing to do with him. He's missed his chance. Ruby reckons he must be crazy not to want me so I expect him to be in a padded cell sometime soon. He definitely doesn't want me and I'm sick and tired of wanting him. I can do better.

So far, my shift has been pretty standard. Ruby called me to say goodnight as she usually does and I got called out to the Surf Club because that guy, Jimmy, from my first work day here, was causing a disturbance. I took him to the hospital because he ended up cutting his hand on a glass.

I caught up with Jack briefly. He is seriously struggling. I can hardly believe what he and Martha are going through right now. I feel so sad for them.

Well, I'd better stop writing and get on with my shift. There's always plenty to do.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 22<strong>**nd**** July**

**14:52**

**Home**

On my way back from my shift this morning, I saw Nicole and Elliot on the beach. Figuring I was only prolonging things if I didn't go and see Roman before I went to sleep, I headed over and told him that it looked like Elliot was taking Nicole fishing. I also informed him that he doesn't have a record of any kind. I pointed out that he was probably just being overprotective but he didn't seem convinced. Then I left. He almost looked like he wanted me to stay but I didn't want to.

I headed over to the Diner to get breakfast before I went home and he caught up with me there. I know I was off with him. I was probably rude but I'm tired of being treated like a plaything. He did apologise and seemed to take it on board when I told him that if you were into someone, you made time for them. I left after that and caught a few hours sleep and now I just about feel human enough to face the day again. I am so glad I'm not working tonight.

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 24<strong>**th**** July**

**11:23**

**The Beach**

Okay, so quite a lot has happened over the last few days and I am grateful for a day off so I can catch up with myself. So, what's been happening?

Well, for starters, Roman and I appear to be back on. We've spent a fair bit of time together and I stayed at his place twice this week.

It all started on Tuesday night. I ventured to the Surf Club for a drink and had an okay time. I talked a little with Tony as we are both worried about Jack. Then that guy, Elliot approached me and a pretty much threatened me. It didn't bother me but it pissed me off and I figured it was something Roman would probably want to know. So, I headed round and told him and then went to leave but he asked me to stay. He apologised for not treating me properly and told me that he likes me. So, I stayed.

We made out for a while and then when I was upstairs using the bathroom, Jack came round. Roman is officially the father of Martha's baby. I thought that he would kick me out after that. Every time we get close, something usually happens and he doesn't want me to stay. But this time, even though he was totally thrown, he didn't ask me or agree to me suggesting I left.

We talked about it all for a while and then we spent the night together. It was nice. It wasn't exactly as passionate as the first time but it was nice and for once, I opted to stay the night. I left before breakfast but I didn't sneak out while he was asleep. If I want him to treat me nicely, then I need to do the same, after all.

After I'd got home and showered yesterday morning, I headed to the Surf Club for a workout, which I found really refreshing and invigorating. I bumped into Roman and felt comfortable enough to ask him for a drink that evening. I felt like we were pretty close the previous night. I mean, we had sex for goodness sake. But he wasn't keen and said he needed to talk to Nicole.

I pretty much demanded to know where we stand. He basically said that he wants to see me but he wants to keep it casual. It's not what I want exactly but I can cope. Maybe in time something more will come of it. And it's not like I have ever wanted to do the big committed thing before now. I'm not that kind of girl, really.

So, yes. I can deal. We can make it work. And so far, it's going pretty well. I caught up with him a little later and confirmed my agreement with the casual thing and he was pleased. We kissed but then got interrupted by Jack who was ranting and raving.

He'd asked Roman to convince Martha to go ahead with treatment, regardless of the risk to the baby but Roman had just told her he would go along with whatever she wanted. It obviously pissed Jack off. It must be such an awful time for him right now. He loves Martha so much and to risk watching her die for the sake of a baby that's been fathered by another guy must be awful. I'm really worried about him.

I spent the night with Roman again. It was nice, although he was pretty distracted what with everything going on with Martha, Jack, Nicole and Elliot. But at least he was with me. I stayed the whole night again. I must be growing up.

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 25<strong>**th**** July**

**23:03**

**Home**

I worked all day and had to listen to Angelo going on and on most of the shift about me missing out because he had a date with Belle. I thought she was with Aden but it looks like they've split up or fallen out or something. Anyway, Angelo was even more full of himself than usual.

I didn't see Roman today except in passing but Ruby and I have indulged in a really nice girlie night with DVD's and junk food and as much as I like Roman, spending time with Rubes is still the best time I could ever have. I love that girl so much. I hope she knows.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 27<strong>**th**** July**

**12:58**

**The Beach**

I had a nice weekend. Ruby and I went into Yabbie Creek to do shopping and lunch and I bought a new outfit which I wore out to dinner with Roman.

We finally got to do the dinner date that got spoiled a few weeks ago. I got the romantic table with the good view and everything and it was great. I spent the night with him again and now I am on the beach before I wander off home. I got breakfast in bed, would you believe? I definitely really like him.

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Jack arrests Roman, Charlie accidentally tells Roman that she's falling in love with him and Elliot gives Nicole and her friends diving lessons…<em>


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter Nine**

**Monday 28****th**** July**

**17:38**

**Home**

I had a fairly long shift at work. I was on duty with Angelo, which was mildly entertaining, although I must admit that I am glad Jack is back tomorrow. I've agreed to go and pick him up and take him in. And when Rubes and I went shopping at the weekend, I got Martha a copy of _The Power of Positive Thinking _so I will give that to her when I collect Jack. It's not much but I really like the book and it's helped me through some tough times so maybe she would like it too.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 29<strong>**th**** July**

**23:33**

**Home**

What a day! It started out well enough. I collected Jack for work and gave Martha the book, which she seemed to really like. She looks so frail but so beautiful all the same time. I just hope that things will work out for her now. If she can beat the cancer then she can start her life over.

I did notice that things were a little strained between Jack and Martha when he went to say goodbye but I didn't think much of it until later. Jack was stressed all day long. He was snappy and rude and generally not himself. I gave him paperwork to keep him busy and control his mood but he had a temper tantrum with the computer and then blurted out that when he went back at lunch time, he found Martha being held by Roman.

Well, I wasn't terribly impressed myself and it's making me think kind of strongly that Roman feels more for Martha than he's letting on. It hurts, as he is supposed to be seeing me and it makes me wonder if that is why he is so distant and only wants to keep things casual. But I can only imagine how it's making Jack feel. I think angry is the right word.

On our break, Jack started hassling Roman outside the Diner about an illegal park that wasn't really anything to do with him. He provoked him into pushing him and then Roman got arrested for assaulting a police officer. It was crazy.

I had no choice but to take Roman back to the station and Jack was petulant and awful. I managed to un-cuff Roman but Jack was adamant that he wasn't going to drop any charges. He seemed to hate him so much. It was kind of heartbreaking actually. Roman was all bewildered and I fairly coldly told him what Jack had seen.

We let him go but the charges still exist unless I can convince Jack to change his mind. I haven't had any luck so far. And I still feel a little unnerved and hurt by the whole thing too. Maybe I will try harder tomorrow.

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 31<strong>**st**** July**

**22:15**

**Home**

I think I've made an error and I'm not entirely sure how I can get out of it. I might have told Roman that I think I'm falling in love with him. And that would be awful enough but the thing is, it's not true. He was asleep on the couch and I was just testing how it would feel to say something like that. I've never said the L word before. I suppose I hope Roman might be the kind of guy that I could fall for. And I guess I was trying to see how it would fit. But he hasn't gone near me all day and he was really weird with me afterwards last night. I thought he was asleep but now I'm not so sure and I don't really know what to do about it.

It all started yesterday. I worked on Jack to drop the charges and we talked a little about what he saw. He said that Martha never lets him near her now but that the hug he saw between her and Roman looked far too intimate. He's also angry because the baby Martha has been risking her life for, is Roman's and not his. I told him he was being unprofessional by charging Roman with assault when we both knew it wasn't like that, but I do understand where he's coming from. It must have hurt him so much to see them together like that. And from what I've heard on the grapevine, Jack and Martha have already been through so much already.

I caught up with Roman later and pointed out that I could understand why Jack was so upset but he insisted that he had no choice but to be there for Martha if she needed him. I'm still pretty concerned about that but I don't want to lose him just yet – that is, if I haven't already.

I bumped into Martha a little later and she was completely at a loss over what was going on and why. She was pretty stunned when I explained. Anyway, I think she must have talked to Jack and fixed things because the charges were dropped by the evening.

Roman and I got together last night and had a good time until my little faux pas. He apologised for me getting caught up in everything, although I like to think I helped make things right. I think Jack and Roman are alike in a lot of ways, such as being very stubborn, and I told Roman so.

We talked more about the situation and I expressed a feeling of being torn because both of them were right and both of them were wrong in their way. But regardless of my worry over Roman's feelings for Martha, I do think he's pretty special for supporting her the way he does. He is the father of her baby, if nothing else, and it's good that he's taking on that responsibility.

The evening dropped its seriousness eventually and we had a really good time. I cooked him dinner and he told me the cop thing is a turn on, which is pretty cool, although it's far from the first time I've heard it! I think it's the handcuffs. They came into play a little last night but anyway...

We had dinner and I was just serving dessert when I realised he'd fallen asleep. I was disappointed and then I said the stupid love thing. He woke up after a little while and we finally had dessert and then took things to the bedroom. It was the best time we've had together but there were a lot of moments when it seemed like he wasn't really there. So, yeah, I think I've wrecked it all. I haven't seen him at all today and I'm really disappointed. I presume he's back to panicking about Nicole.

Ruby came home seriously unhappy this afternoon. She, Geoff and Nicole had a diving lesson with that Elliot guy and it went horribly wrong. Elliot was trying to teach Nicole not to try and hold her breath underwater with the scuba gear on by holding her head under. That doesn't sound like good teaching practice to me and apparently Geoff wasn't impressed either but Ruby seemed to get it so maybe he wasn't that bad. She thinks Geoff has a thing for Nicole anyway.

But if Nicole had a bad day with the scuba lesson and arguing with Elliot (although they apparently did make up), I guess Roman was distracted. Either that or he thinks I'm a loved up freak. Why did I have to say it? It's not even true! Charlie, you really are a dumbass!

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 1<strong>**st**** August 2008**

**12:28**

**The Beach**

It was my day off today, which was nice. I was hoping to catch up with Roman but he said he was rushed off his feet at work all day and just wants to crash and burn tonight. I think he's giving me the cold shoulder.

Ruby and I got a postcard from Dad and Morag today. Apparently they are having a lovely time. I kind of miss them. Who would have thought it possible?

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 2<strong>**nd**** August**

**21:30**

**Home**

Ruby and I went into town today. We shopped, ate and saw a movie. It was really nice to spend time with her. She wanted all the gossip about Roman, which sadly there is none. I told her about the stupid thing I said and she commiserated with me, although she thinks I should talk to him about it properly instead of letting it linger.

She told me that Geoff likes Nicole but Nicole is with Elliot and Annie and Jai are banned from seeing each other and apparently they are keen on each other now. Ruby said that nobody so far has caught her eye since Pat but she still has high hopes for the future.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 3<strong>**rd**** August**

**11:19**

**Home**

I am just about to head into work for an excessively long shift. It's Jack's day off so I get Angelo again. What a lucky girl I am! I wonder how his date with Belle went. He hasn't mentioned it. This surprises me!

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Elliot leaves town when Nicole breaks up with him, Charlie gets jealous and Angelo's date with Belle doesn't go well…<em>


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter Ten**

**Monday 4****th**** August**

**23:18**

**Home**

I had a fairly long day at work. And my personal life didn't go much better than that. When I went to the Diner for my break, I saw Roman getting especially cosy with some woman. She looked like a tart! Okay, maybe that was jealousy speaking. She was actually rather beautiful. I guess now I know where I stand. The reason Roman doesn't want to be exclusive is so that he can go off with other women. Charming!

Angelo hit on me again. It appears that his date with Belle didn't go so well. I thought he'd been pretty quiet about it.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 5<strong>**th**** August**

**18:22**

**The Beach**

Well, I tried a bit of honesty with Roman and I think it worked. I'm not entirely sure yet but I guess I'll just have to see how it goes. I don't exactly know why I'm waiting around or even what I'm waiting for but maybe I'll know if and when I find it.

Work was fairly hectic. Alf called me and Angelo into the bait shop, having accused Elliot of stealing. He insists that he was just borrowing stuff but Alf fired him anyway, which of course went down like a lead balloon. Alf did decide not to press charges though, which he ought to be grateful for. I admit that I really don't like the guy and would be a lot happier if he left town. Maybe if Roman wasn't worrying about him, he might actually have some time for me. Who knows?

And I don't think Nicole is particularly safe with him. She and I don't especially like each other but I still want the best for the girl. Oh and as well as this bait shop thing, Aden and Belle are now accusing Elliot of stealing some money from them. They're pretty pissed about it – not that I wouldn't be too. Whoever stole it, I'm adamant that I'll find them. Roman made Aden promise that he wouldn't go after Elliot in any way though. It does seem like the kind of thing he would do. I guess I know why Angelo and Belle's date didn't work out. Belle and Aden are obviously back together. I can't say I'm displeased. Belle brings out a much better side to that boy.

I caught up with Roman afterwards and tackled the date thing head on. Apparently the woman was a supplier and he oh so innocently didn't realise it was anything but a business thing. However, judging by the way she was dressed, there was very little business about it as far as she was concerned.

I brought up what happened that night at his place, which was pretty much the last time I saw him properly. I called him on the fact that he is being weird and distant with me and he admitted that he heard what I said and that he doesn't feel the same yet. I guess 'yet' is encouraging but I explained what had really happened and I hope I made it clear that I wasn't there yet either.

Love is such a big deal. I haven't done it before and sometimes I worry that I'm incapable of such an emotion. I'd like to fall in love with Roman, I think. But only if he loved me too. And it would take a long time to get there. But I do like him a lot and I'm glad we cleared things up.

We kind of agreed that we could see other people if we wanted to, although he made it clear that that hadn't been his intention when he'd asked to keep things casual. The rule is that we can date who we like but we don't rub it in each other's faces. I don't think I'll date anyone else. There's nobody that I really like. And I even admitted that I had been jealous of his date today. I think Ruby is right about telling the truth about how I feel about things. So far it seems to be working anyway.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 6<strong>**th**** August**

**12:03**

**The Beach**

Nicole has broken up with Elliot and he's left town! Hooray! Roman asked me out to dinner tonight to celebrate.

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 9<strong>**th**** August**

**09:23**

**Home**

I've had a busy few days with work and everything and I have seen a fair bit of Roman. He's like a different guy now that Elliot isn't around anymore and Nicole is being nice and calm. I'm feeling pretty happy right about now.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 10<strong>**th**** August**

**16:11**

**Home**

Ruby and I had a nice day together. We were pretty lazy and chilled out with movies this morning and then had a seriously unhealthy lunch. I'll go for a run to work it off or something tomorrow. But yeah, this weekend has been pretty awesome all in all. Happy days!

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Jai ends up in hospital, Elliot returns and Charlie is haunted by her past…<em>


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter Eleven**

**Monday 11****th**** August**

**18:42**

**Home**

I worked all day – surprise, surprise. Jai ended up in hospital when a boy at school, Matthew pushed him in. Ruby told me there's been some bullying going on. She's pretty worried about Jai. I hope the school sort it out before things get out of hand.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 13<strong>**th**** August**

**22:11**

**Home**

I've been busy working these last couple of days – as if I do anything else. But I did I spend the night with Roman on Tuesday. We had dinner and a movie. It was really nice actually. Things seem to be going well between us.

When I first came to this town, I thought the whole thing was going to be a disaster. I hated Morag and didn't get on with Dad. I was rubbing everyone up the wrong way, even when I didn't mean to.

But now it feels like things are settling down. Morag and Dad are apparently having a whale of a time away and of course my Ruby is here. I was so worried about her in boarding school but she seems to have really settled here. And I'm glad to be keeping an eye on her. I like to make sure she's safe. We're happy in our new home with Leah and VJ. It's great here. One of the happiest places I've lived.

Work is going great and I feel like I'm really getting along with my colleagues, especially Watson, although Jack is still very stressed about Martha's situation.

And I have a boyfriend who is gorgeous. The casual thing isn't exactly what I wanted but it's good enough for now. I never have been one for the serious thing so I'm happy with how things are right now. He really is lovely.

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 14<strong>**th**** August**

**23:04**

**Home**

I went out for a drink with Roman tonight. He's pretty stressed right now. He had an argument with Elliot (who is now back in town) and can only be comforted by the fact that Nicole had one hundred per cent promised that she will stay away from him. He freaks me out and I'm a cop. I can't imagine what it would be like to be a vulnerable teenage girl. Actually, I can. I know exactly what it's like to be a teenager in danger. It can destroy your life.

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 14<strong>**th**** August**

**23:14**

**Home**

Why does everything I think and do come back to that night?

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 15<strong>**th**** August**

**16:45**

**Home**

Well, I finished my working week and now I am having a cosy night in to myself. Ruby is out with her friends and Leah and VJ are spending the weekend with her parents so I am about to run myself a nice hot bath and start a new book. It might not be exciting to some but I'm happy!

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 16<strong>**th**** August**

**11:33**

**The Beach**

I had a nice lazy morning then went for a run along the beach. That is one thing I absolutely love about living in Summer Bay. I love the sea, sand and surf. It's amazing. I ran for a bit and now I am stretched out in the sand writing and looking forward to a leisurely day. I do love weekends without work.

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 16<strong>**th**** August**

**22:49**

**Home**

My day took me to the Surf Club where I had a drink with Angelo. He was his usual 'charming' self. Still, he makes me laugh. He didn't stop hitting on me all night of course, but I enjoyed spending time with him. If he'd only calm it down a little and accept that things are platonic between us, I think he and I could actually be really good friends. I don't think he means it anyway though. He flirts with everything that moves so I don't think there's anything really in it. He's sweet though. I like him.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 17<strong>**th**** August**

**16:38**

**Home**

Rubes and I went out for a nice long lunch in Yabbie Creek. It was great. I love spending time with her and we try to do something together every week. I think it's a special thing to do.

Sometimes I wonder how things would have turned out if I hadn't agreed to live as Ruby's sister. Would we have a close mother/daughter bond? Or would I have always found it impossible to be there for her the way she would have needed me? Would I have resented her for the restrictions having a baby so young, would impose? I don't know. I guess I'll never know. But I hope she knows that I love her with every beat of my heart.

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Rachel doesn't show up at her own wedding and Charlie tries to be happy with her relationship with Roman…<em>


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter Twelve**

**Tuesday 19****th**** August**

**23:49**

**Home**

I had the day off and managed to spend a little time with Roman. I'm still not entirely clear on this whole casual thing. Does it mean he wasn't to see other people or does it just mean he doesn't want to see that much of me? We've been hanging out a little recently and it's been really nice but I can still go days without seeing him except to order lunch or something. And he's so lukewarm. Sometimes I'm even tempted to accept a date with Angelo. It's Roman I want to be with but at least Angelo is interested. But anyway, we had a nice day today so there is no room for bitterness, although he did make it clear that he didn't want me to stay over. But anyway...

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 20<strong>**th**** August**

**17:39**

**Home**

I worked all day as usual and didn't see much of Roman. It's Rachel and Tony's wedding on Friday but I opted not to go to the hens night. Weddings aren't really my thing, to be honest. I don't know why. I just... well, put it this way, I never see myself ever getting married. Not even to Roman if he ever decided that he wanted to get serious. I'd never cope being someone's wife. Saying that, when I caught sight of Rachel earlier, she was in a right state so maybe I'm not the only one!

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 22<strong>**nd**** August**

**19:27**

**Home**

Woah, what a day! We all turned out for the wedding, only to find that Rachel hadn't shown up. It looks like she got cold feet and took off last night. She hasn't left a note or anything and everyone is panicking about where she's gone. I heard a rumour that she might have gone off with an old boyfriend or something. Tony must be devastated. I feel so sorry for him. It definitely confirms that I never want to marry anyone. Can you imagine how awful it would be if you showed up, ready to marry the person you loved and they just didn't show? I mean, it's terrible.

Roman and I went to the non-wedding together, although the date was over pretty quickly for obvious reasons. He said we could catch up at the weekend. I'll believe it when I see it, of course.

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 23<strong>**rd**** August**

**11:01**

**The Beach**

It looks like Tony has now taken off as well. I guess he needed to clear his head after everything that happened yesterday. It's so sad really. I thought Tony and Rachel made a lovely couple. They were so in love. You don't even notice the age gap really. They just seem to perfect together. But you never know, maybe they'll both come back, realise that they're meant to be together and reunite.

It's weird. Part of me would love to love and be loved the way they do, the way I see other couples function in the Bay. But then part of me things I'd be bound to mess it up. I always do. I think I'm incapable of being happy. But hey, maybe there's someone out there for me who will send me head over heels and crazy in love.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 24<strong>**th**** August**

**12:31**

**Home**

Roman and I had a nice day yesterday. We went for a run along the beach and then for lunch. It was really nice to hang out with him. And he leant me a book that he really likes so I'll start it reading it this afternoon. I just wish I knew where I stood. Oh well, I have more in my life than him (not that you could tell from the way I write about him in here). For example, I'm about to go and enjoy a nice afternoon with Ruby. What could be better than that?

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Nicole and Geoff go missing, Aden is arrested and Charlie enjoys spending time with Ruby…<em>


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter Thirteen**

**Monday 25****th**** August**

**23:43**

**Home**

What a day. What a hell of a day. And it's not over yet. It won't be over until we find Nicole and Geoff. They're missing. They were kidnapped by Elliot. I think Nicole was his real victim but Geoff got in the way. Ruby says that he liked Nicole so maybe he was playing the hero, trying to take care of her. Work won't send out a search party tonight. They'll get going tomorrow morning. Roman is a mess – physically and emotionally. Elliot kidnapped him too. He nearly killed him.

It all started when Alf called me and Angelo out to the bait shop. It had been trashed and some scuba gear was missing. He suspected that Elliot had come back to wreak some kind of revenge. Oh, how little we knew then.

Irene and Annie came over to ask if we had seen Geoff or Nicole and said that Ruby thought she'd seen them get into a boat with Elliot. Then when Alf told me that Roman wasn't visiting Martha in the hospital, like I assumed he was after we all got word that she collapsed after her wedding to Jack, my suspicions were aroused.

I just about managed to send out a search party after Geoff's wallet washed up on the beach. We managed to find Roman but Nicole and Geoff are still missing. He was the one who caught Elliot, which I thought was pretty impressive.

I interviewed Elliot but he didn't want to talk so I agreed to let Roman come in instead. He laid out exactly what happened that day with Elliot's brother, Mark. Elliot certainly didn't like that his brother was a traitor but he reluctantly seemed to accept it.

But it looks like he chucked Nicole and Geoff overboard and he doesn't know if they're dead or alive any more than we do. I will up and back at work first thing to start proceedings to look for them properly. Let's just hope they can survive the night – wherever they've ended up.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 26<strong>**th**** August**

**23:57**

**Home**

Well, today was an even longer day than yesterday but at least we have some kind of happy ending. Work were being really crap at getting a search party out for Geoff and Nicole. They were fretting about a storm coming in and they had other priorities until I faked a potential sighting that put them on the case a little harder.

We found them stranded on the beach and not in a good way. Nicole was particularly unwell. It looks like Geoff worked pretty damn hard to protect her. He's a bit of a hero.

Roman was relieved to see his daughter again and I guess I must have done something right because he took me in with him to see her at the hospital and gave me all the credit for finding her. And she was nice to me. Pigs do fly!

We also found out that Martha had survived her collapse but the baby hadn't. Alf and I agreed not to tell Roman about it until Nicole was found but just as I was about to break the news, Jack did – assuming he already knew. He was devastated. And of course he pushed me away.

But I feel proud of myself for how I handled work today. This is the kind of thing that made me want to be a cop – saving people, helping them. We did a good job today. We saved two lives. It was a long day but it was a good one. I like a happy ending.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 27<strong>**th**** August**

**22:59**

**Home**

My goodness, what a horrible week for everyone. Roman, Nicole and Geoff were abducted and saved. Martha nearly died and her baby passed away too.

And now we realise that Aden has been holding Rachel and his father, Larry, and eventually Belle hostage at his house. And we never even knew anything was wrong. All this time, they've been missing but nobody realised. Aden was meant to be away, we didn't know Larry was in town and everyone assumed that Rachel had run off. I bet she's pretty pissed about that now.

He was trying to kill his father. I don't know the guy that well but I never realised how messed up he was. What has his father done to warrant that? Surely it's more than just the hit and run? I don't know. He won't talk.

We arrested him and he's awaiting bail. He was so broken. I know he did wrong but I couldn't help but feel sorry for him. When I looked into his eyes, I saw this haunted agony. I've felt that agony. I've been that lost. I hope we can help him but I don't know how he'll get out of it.

I called the hospital and Larry is stable for now but if he dies, Aden may well end up on a murder charge.

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 28<strong>**th**** August**

**16:07**

**The Beach**

Aden has a bail hearing tomorrow. He was a mess. I sneaked him a few extra coffees but we didn't really talk. I'm worried about him. And everyone is talking about it.

Rachel and Tony are also a hot topic of conversation. But I hope they can work things out now. When he gets back. _If_ he gets back. Things surely ought to be easier for them now that everyone knows she didn't walk out on him. I feel so sorry for her. What must she have been through with Aden and Larry? That poor woman.

I'm taking Ruby out to dinner tonight. All this agony in the Bay has made me pull even closer to her. I love her so much and while she's never allowed to know _how _I love her, I hope she knows how much. And I hope she knows that I'd die for her. I'd die for her in a heartbeat.

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 29<strong>**th**** August**

**18:11**

**Home**

I spent the day working. There is _so _much paperwork to do after everything that happened with Elliot and Aden. It's crazy. And the reports aren't even nearly as exciting as the actual events themselves. Oh, the burdens I must bear!

Roman has been off work recuperating and Nicole has been off school. I did text him but he didn't reply. I guess he's busy trying to make everything up to her.

Some good news though is that Aden got bail. He does have to spend most of it in a mental health clinic but that's got to be better than jail, right? Hopefully whatever gave him that pain in his eyes, can start to be healed in there. I think he's a good guy deep down. I think he just lost his way.

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 30<strong>**th**** August**

**10:39**

**Home**

I'm taking Ruby off for the weekend. I've been so busy with work and she's been so caught up with school and everything that I thought we both deserved a weekend in a spa with some pampering. We're leaving in a bit and I'm really looking forward to spending some quality time with her. It's going to be awesome!

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 31<strong>**st**** August**

**20:00**

**Home**

Ruby and I had the best weekend. We got pampered, had facials and massages and everything. It was great. But the best bit about it was the way she and I got along. We chatted constantly and laughed so much. It was so amazing to spend that kind of time with her. We ate ourselves silly and shared a room so we ended up staying up talking until the early hours. Oh, it was so much fun. I love that girl so much.

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Charlie goes on a date with Angelo but then gets serious with Roman and Ruby gets mugged…<em>


	14. Chapter 14

_I'm going to do a double update today (four chapters, including the first of a new story) as I have a busy day tomorrow and I don't know if I will have time. My last update until after 16__th__ February will be on Monday (possibly Tuesday depending on how my packing goes!) I hope you enjoy the chapter. Love, IJKS xxx_

**Chapter Fourteen**

**Monday 1****st**** September 2008**

**21:03**

**Home**

Well, it was back to the grindstone today. And back with Angelo. Jack was at work – I don't know why I keep getting partnered with Angelo instead. Maybe he's having a word with the boss. He seems to be elated every time I work with him. And he's absolutely constant with the compliments and well, basically hitting on me. He has no regard for Roman and says that he's not good enough for me. Maybe he isn't. Angelo is convinced that he's perfect for me. Maybe he is. I don't know. He's sweet and very charming. And he is pretty good looking, I must admit. Part of me wonders if I should give him a chance.

But I do still like Roman, as casual as our 'relationship' is and it would be wrong of me to mess Angelo around. Plus, I don't want to wreck any potential whirlwind romance with Roman.

I sound really pathetic, don't I? I feel really pathetic. If Roman was that into me, he wouldn't go days without so much as texting. I think he forgets I exist when I'm not around. It doesn't say much for us, does it?

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 2<strong>**nd**** September**

**22:00**

**Home**

It's been another long day at work, although I did have a nice dinner with Ruby. We got another postcard from Dad and Morag. They sound like they're having a good time. I kind of miss them, which is weird considering I barely know Morag and Dad has pretty much never been around for me. But I do. Ruby does too. She said so tonight. But she also said that it was 'super cool' to be living with me the way we are. That made me feel good. I love that girl.

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 4<strong>**th**** September**

**00:32**

**Home**

I went on a date with Angelo. And he really was the perfect man. He was so sweet. But all I could think about was Roman.

It all started when we were partnered together at work again. He continued to make passes at me and I continued to reject him. And then I saw Roman. It just felt so... awkward. Either I'm really starting to resent his lack of interest in me, or his lack of interest is getting worse. Maybe it's both.

Nicole appears to have forgiven and forgotten everything between us since I helped rescue her from the island. She actually invited me to join them. I might have if Roman hadn't looked so horrified. Is my company that awful? At least Angelo doesn't seem to think so. Maybe he does now.

We had a pretty funny moment today, actually. This homeless guy called Earl, someone Miles appears to know, was in the sea, completely in the nude. He totally freaked some girls out and we got called in. He wouldn't put his clothes on or come out of the water so Angelo stripped off and got him. It was so funny! He handled it really well actually, although I was too busy laughing. He's convinced that I was glad to see him in his underwear. Well, maybe I looked a little bit. He's quite attractive really.

I kind of wish I'd met him first, before I met Roman. Maybe if I didn't feel I had such a connection with Roman – him being the first person who was nice to me here, a guy I've kissed, a guy I've slept with... maybe if I didn't feel that connection, I would have be able to start something up with Angelo. Or maybe I'm supposed to be a bitter old spinster. Relationships with men just don't work out for me. It's a shame I'm not into women, really. Although, who's to say that wouldn't just double the chances of disaster?

Well, the beach thing totally cheered me up but then Roman completely brought me down again. Colleen invited Roman to a memorial for the baby Martha lost. And as his girlfriend (ha!), she invited me along too. I would have gone. I would have been there to support Roman, Jack and Martha. But as soon as Colleen had gone, Roman pretty much told me not to come. He said it was a private thing. Obviously I'm not entitled to be part of that. If I've ever felt shut out of his world, it's now.

That's how I ended up on my date with Angelo. We were chatting in the Diner later and I complimented him on how he handled Earl. He really did do a good job. He started teasing me, saying that I was impressed with his body.

I played with him a bit, I must admit. I came over suddenly serious and accused him of sexual harassment in the work place. Seriously, he looked like he was going to wet himself. He was so panicked. Hehe. It really made me giggle.

Anyway, all joking aside, Angelo told me very seriously that Roman will treat me as badly as he likes and I'll keep going back. I guess he was trying to say I was worth more than that. He certainly made me feel worth more than that tonight. He was lovely. He continued to ask me out, the way he does and suddenly I found myself saying yes. Roman and I are allowed to see other people after all. I mean, it's not against the rules.

Anyway, Angelo looked elated and surprised. He said that he would treat me exactly how I deserve to be treated. I personally think he treated me better. He's such a nice guy. I get the feeling he'd move Heaven and earth for me. Why do I have to be so hung up on Roman? I drive myself crazy sometimes.

The date didn't start too well. I nearly bottled it, to be honest. Ruby helped me get all dressed up and openly hoped that I'd 'see the light' and dump Roman who doesn't treat me well and start dating Angelo who seems to adore me. She doesn't mince her words.

Anyway, I'd arranged to meet Angelo at the Surf Club but while I was waiting for him, I bumped into Roman. He said he was just buying a bottle of wine to bring over to me and looked sufficiently disappointed when I told him I had a date. I shot him down but I felt really bad about it and was about to cry off home – and undoubtedly call Roman – when Angelo arrived.

He was just adorable. I wish I felt that way about him. He drove us over the beach where he'd set up a romantic picnic by the sea. The food wasn't anything special but the effort was remarkable. He even toned down his usual abrasive personality and he was actually really sweet. He really seems to like about me, which is touching and surprising.

I don't know what he sees when he looks at me but I don't think it's who I am. I'm not the nice girl that he seems to adore. I'm damaged goods for starters. And I mess up _everything_. And tonight just proves it.

I was on a romantic date with a lovely guy who had gone to so much effort and he basically ended up counselling me over the Roman situation. How awful is that? How horrible am I? He did help though. He basically said I needed to make or break it with Roman. I need to lay all my cards on the table and tell him he has to be with me or without me. And then he added that if Roman didn't choose to be with me then I should go out with him instead. I wish it was that simple.

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 4<strong>**th**** September**

**13:42**

**The Beach**

Well, Roman and I are over. At long last, I woke up and dumped him. He doesn't deserve me.

I told Ruby everything about my date. She was kind of disappointed, I think. She pretty much told me that Roman was using me for sex, which made me feel so good. Not. Especially as I think it might be true. Not that I haven't been there before. I just wish one day I might meet someone who would love me.

I'd love to meet someone who loves me for who I am, not what they want me to be. I want someone to look into my eyes and think that I'm beautiful and worth something. I don't get that from Roman. I feel like I'm cheapening myself hanging around waiting for it.

Ruby said I was a beautiful person today. She loves me. But even that makes me sad in its way. I wish she loved me as a mother. I wish I'd been able to stand up and be the person she needed me to be when she was born. I wish I hadn't left her, run away and let her down. Then maybe she wouldn't love me as a sister now. Maybe she'd be my daughter.

But anyway, that's something I could chase around in circles for the rest of my life. I mean, I'm never going to solve it. Ruby will never know the truth and I will always be her older sister. At least that makes her think I'm cool. That's a plus, I guess.

Anyway, it was my day off so I walked round to Roman's and handed his book back. Things were pretty awkward. He asked about my date and then didn't seem fussed that I'd seen another guy. It made me angry and I snapped at him and then broke up with him. And then I was rude about the book because I didn't like it. Then I stormed out.

The book was about a commitment-phobe. Really, it's something I would get, something I would understand. I don't handle commitment very well. I never have. Not since... I don't like people to get too close to me. But it hit too close to home and the character reminded me a lot of Roman. It pissed me off and I told him so.

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 5<strong>**th**** September**

**11:11**

**Home**

So, Roman and I are back together. And it's official and exclusive this time. I take back everything I said about him being a jerk. Well, no, I don't. He was a jerk. But thankfully he has now seen the error of his ways and is preparing to treat me the way Angelo says I deserve. Hooray.

After I wrote my last entry, I went for a walk along the surf. Roman caught up with me there and said he was jealous about me going on a date. That made me feel kind of smug, I must admit. And it gave me the hope that maybe he did like me after all. He then said Ruby told him I was off on another date at the weekend. Little minx.

I told him about Angelo and said it was nice to be adored for a change. This prompted him to tell me that he adored me! He actually said he adored me! You could have knocked me over with a feather.

Anyway, then he said that keeping things casual was a mistake. He apologised for how he'd treated me and asked me to be with him for real this time. I said yes. We kissed a bit. And then in the evening we went for a drink together.

I saw Angelo in the corner all along and felt a pang of regret. He said that everything was cool and we had a bit of a joke. But I'm worried that I've hurt him. That's why I didn't want to go out with him in the first place. But anyway, he said he was happy for me so I'll just accept that. Second guessing people's behaviour and words doesn't help anyone.

Roman and I had a great evening and I spent the night with him. Somehow it was more special last night than any of the other times. Maybe it's because I know for sure that he really feels something for me now. They say that it's better when you love someone. I'm certainly not at that stage yet and nor is Roman but we care for each other. That's something, right?

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 5<strong>**th**** September**

**23:12**

**Home**

Ruby was mugged tonight. I was beside myself when she told me. It was that homeless guy, Earl. She said she didn't want to press charges or anything but I swear, if he steps into my line of vision again, I'll have him. Nobody attacks or frightens my Ruby like that. Nobody. Ugh, I could actually go and hunt him down now. I really could.

Miles saved her. She was really grateful. I don't know Miles that well but I'll have to thank him when I see him next. Rubes seems to think the world of him and it's good to see a teacher making such a difference in her life. But yeah, I must thank him. Tonight could have been so much worse if he hadn't been there. Poor Ruby. She was really shaken up.

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 6<strong>**th**** September**

**14:08**

**The Diner**

Well, I had a nice day off today. I hung out with Ruby in the morning and now I'm at the Diner, busying myself with this diary while I wait for Roman to finish his shift. It's all a bit hectic with a lot of customers so he's hanging around a bit so as not to leave his colleagues in the lurch. I saw Miles a minute ago and I thanked him for helping Ruby last night. He's a sweet guy.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 7<strong>**th**** September**

**20:13**

**Home**

I had a great weekend. It was a nice mix of time with Ruby and with Roman.

Rubes is still a bit shaken over what happened on Friday. She's much less eager to go out late at night by herself. I think Summer Bay provides a false sense of security. It's such a little town where pretty much everyone knows each other. You forget that crime still happens. Well, I don't. Obviously. A cop never forgets something like that! But I get that it's easy to forget if that's not your world. Hopefully Ruby will keep hold of this lesson for a while.

I had a nice time with Roman. It feels nice to be with him again, and properly this time. I'm still feeling a little cautious. I always do. But I like him. He's nice. And it feels good to be spoilt a little bit. I think he's trying to make things up to me. And so he should!

* * *

><p><em>Next time... Melody goes missing, Angelo starts dating Belle and Ross and Morag return from their honeymoon…<em>


	15. Chapter 15

**Chapter Fifteen**

**Monday 8****th**** September**

**18:32**

**Work**

I'm on my break from work but I'm going to be here for a while and I'll be back first thing tomorrow morning. Normally I'd work through my break but I am so tired. I can barely even write.

The day started normally enough. I got up and ready and saw Ruby off to school. I'm starting to think she might have a thing for Miles. I'm sure it's not a problem but I may have to keep a check on it.

Anyway, before I went into the station, I nipped into the Diner to see Roman. Nicole burst in. She's fretting over Geoff. Apparently he's messing her around. I feel bad for her. I know far too well what it's like to be messed around by a guy. Namely, Nicole's father. I offered a little advice and she left in as much of a whirlwind as she'd arrived. Still, it's nice that she doesn't hate me anymore. She's being quite sweet actually. And I get the feeling she might have helped Roman realise what he was losing if he didn't start treating me nicely.

We were talking about everything Roman went through with Mark and Elliot when I got a call to say that Melody was missing. I've written about her before. She's a teenage girl who goes to Summer Bay High. She was raped by the boy who got killed in the car crash with Larry. She's only a couple of years older than I was when I got raped. I can empathise with her far too much.

But anyway, she was missing from the clinic she's been staying in. She's still missing. We've been searching for her but she just seems to be nowhere. I met with her father. He's frantic. Her mother's in New Zealand visiting family. He said he'd call her to get her back here.

I'm a little more energized now so I'm going to get back on the case. Hopefully we can find her by nightfall. That poor, poor girl.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 9<strong>**th**** September**

**20:19**

**Home**

Melody has been found, although 'safe and sound' might be a little optimistic. She's a mess. We took her back to the clinic and she was so scared. At least I had an auntie to run away to after what happened to me. It doesn't seem like this girl has anyone she really trusts.

My heart is breaking for her. I want to help her so much but part of me if so afraid to get involved. I've always had this turmoil, ever since I started on the force. I have a great need to protect rape victims and help them get justice but then a big part of me is so afraid of opening old wounds that I never quite know what to do for the best.

It was Nicole who found Melody, actually. Geoff convinced me in the morning to let him come with me when I was out searching for her. Nicole went onto school and it looks like Melody was hiding out there. Nicole phoned through to me and I heard them talking.

When I realised that they were at the school, we raced over. She feels very betrayed by Geoff and Nicole but they were just trying to help her, to protect her, to save her. I wish I'd had people who cared that much about me when I was a kid. I know Mum and Dad did love me. And I don't think they blamed me. But the whole thing pretty much broke our family apart. It broke me apart. I know Melody is going through hell right now but maybe with the proper care she'll be able to heal better than I did. Maybe she can be saved.

In other news... I was right to worry about Ruby's crush on Miles! My goodness... Annie saw him kissing someone in the classroom (it turned out to be Kirsty) but Annie got it into her head that it was Rubes. Which, if it was... I would have hit the roof. Miles would be picking his teeth off the ground in the caravan park.

Fortunately, it wasn't her. It was Kirsty. He admitted everything and then the whole truth about this fantasy life Ruby had with Miles in her head. She's besotted with him. It's kind of cute really. Well, it would be if she hadn't got into so much trouble. I'm just glad Dad and Morag aren't back yet. He would have hit the roof. And blamed me. Obviously.

I organised for Miles and Ruby to talk it through and then I took Ruby for dinner and we talked it through too. She thinks she's all in love and everything. She'll get over it. I hope. Fortunately, Miles is a pretty safe guy for her to have a crush on. He's nice. Very genuine. And definitely doesn't deserve a butt-kicking.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 10<strong>**th**** September**

**16:46**

**Home**

Angelo was unbearable today! He and Belle have started dating properly this time and he's on cloud nine. He won't stop talking about her! It's kind of sweet really – in an annoying kind of way. Every time I grumbled though, he was convinced I was jealous for 'letting him go'. As if! I'm quite happy with Roman. I mean, I'm not delirious like Angelo is and there's a big part of me that's very cautious.

One thing that did worry me though is that I saw Belle in passing today and she looked like she had the weight of the world on her shoulders. She doesn't seem quite as besotted with Angelo as he does with her. I'm quite fond of the guy and I would hate to see him get hurt. But it's not my problem, I guess.

Maybe she's just worried about Aden. Even though they've split up, she must care about him still. You can't just stop caring, can you? He's still in the clinic – the same one Melody's in. It must be so hard for him. There must have been a reason why he attacked his Dad like that. It's not something you just do on a whim, is it?

Ruby is feeling grumpy. Miles and Kirsty have come out as an official couple. She's trying to be happy for them. I'm going to cook especially for her and make a bit of a special evening of it. Roman wanted to do something but my daughter will always be more important than any relationship. He should get that. Not that he or anyone knows that Ruby's anything more than my sister. But he knows how close we are so hopefully he'll get it.

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 12<strong>**th**** September**

**00:22**

**Home**

What a difficult day. I am so tired and yet my mind is buzzing so much that I thought I'd write before I collapse into bed. I have a long day ahead of me as usual and I could do with the sleep but I need to write this down.

Dad and Morag came back from their honeymoon today. With Martha going through chemo and everything now, Morag wanted to support her. But she and Dad are being so weird! They keep sniping at each other and Morag is being very controlling. She's snapped at everyone and doesn't seem to want to talk about the honeymoon at all. We haven't even seen pictures.

Then this evening, she panicked because Dad went for a walk. Ruby and I thought it was nothing at first and out on patrol, Fitzy was saying how cute she thought Morag was for worrying so much about her husband. Then she nearly hit Dad with her car!

He just jumped out of nowhere. It wasn't Fitzy's fault at all. When I got out of the car, he was really confused, like he had no idea who he was, let alone where he was. He says it's a combination of jetlag and sleeping pills and he just lost his bearings. But I'm worried. I've never seen him like that in all my life. Even when Mum died, he kept it all together.

We took him back to Roman's place and settled him in. Then I took Ruby for dinner. She was full of questions about why I wasn't waiting around for Roman. But Morag and Dad needed their space and I didn't really want to hang around hanging on the hope that Roman might want to spend time with me.

Don't get me wrong, I really like him. I enjoy spending time with him and he's completely changed. He always wants to hang out now and he's often the person who texts or calls first. But I don't want us to get really serious. I've never wanted that. I wanted us to be closer than we were before but I don't want to live in his pocket. I don't need to see him every day or anything like that.

At the Diner tonight, Ruby interrogated me. She has this theory that as soon as a guy gets serious about me, I freak out and back off and then I lose them. I'm sure it's not true. I'm just not a serious kind of girl. I never want to lose my identity in a relationship. I always want there to be a clear line between him and me. Does that make sense?

Oh dear, Charlie, you know things are bad when you're asking a notebook for advice!

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 12<strong>**th**** September**

**21:32**

**Home**

Morag and Dad had a bit of a row today. Dad called in the morning to invite Ruby and I over for lunch but he didn't tell Morag and apparently they'd already arranged to go and visit Martha. Dad was quite adamant that he wanted to be with us and that he'd see Martha later. Morag was pissed off but Dad won.

He was really irritable. It was like the old Dad, not the mellow one I've come to know more recently. It unnerved and upset me a little bit. Ruby and I are both worried about them. They've only just got married. They can't be having problems already, surely?

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 13<strong>**th**** September**

**17:09**

**Home**

I had a fairly easy day at work, minus Angelo swooning over Belle every five minutes. "Oh, she texted me", "Oh, she said this", "Oh, she said that". I'm sure it's cute but... it's really not.

I wonder if I will ever be like that with someone. I was a little bit like that with Roman at the beginning but not really. I've never been like that with anyone. I'm almost jealous of the way Angelo can get so hung up on someone. Why can't I be like that? Am I so jaded and messed up that I can't fall in love?

I've never fallen before and I would have hoped by now it would have happened for me with Roman. But it hasn't. In fact, I feel less about him now than I did before. Maybe I'm one of that tragic people who just enjoys the thrill of the beginning or the chase and then I lose interest? I think I'm going to end up a bitter spinster. Sigh.

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Ross is diagnosed with Alzheimer's, Charlie worries about Ruby learning the truth and Angelo has to arrest Belle for protesting against the development site…<em>


	16. Chapter 16

**Chapter Sixteen**

**Monday 15****th**** September**

**11:29**

**The Diner**

I went out with Roman last night and it was really nice. We got dinner and saw a romantic comedy at the movies. I enjoyed myself. We came home in time to share a drink with Dad and Morag. The atmosphere between them seems frosty at best. Roman and I escaped to Roman's room fairly quickly. It was nice.

When I headed out to the gym this morning, things were really strange. Dad was all dressed up and said he was going to the bank and Morag seemed to be very unhappy with him. And he kept forgetting that I'd told him I had the day off. But then, Roman didn't remember that either so maybe I wasn't speaking clearly enough. I don't know. Nobody listens to me!

Now I'm in the Diner. Roman is busy so I thought I'd just have a coffee and wait for him.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 16<strong>**th**** September**

**09:01**

**Home**

Dad has Alzheimer's. He was diagnosed yesterday and I just... I can't believe it. How could this happen? He's so young. Barely sixty. I thought this kind of thing happened to old people. Dad isn't old. He's so active and lively. And he's always been the strongest man I've ever known – physically and mentally. How could this happen?

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 6<strong>**th**** September**

**12:31**

**Work**

I've had to go into work but I just can't focus. I can't get my head around what's happened. I'm going to lose my Dad slowly and painfully, bit by bit over the next however long. And Ruby... my poor, darling, beautiful Ruby. She wouldn't go to school. She said she wanted to hang out at home and process things. I think she wanted me to stay but I just couldn't. I've got a job to do and I'd be no good for her. I can't help in situations like this. What am I meant to do now?

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 6<strong>**th**** September**

**22:03**

**Home**

Well, I'm finally home after a long day. Work was tiring and I was met at home by a weeping Ruby. I held her for ages and we talked it through. Maybe I should have stayed home for her today. I hate to think of her all sad and loss. I'm not at work until the afternoon tomorrow so she and I are going round to see Dad in the morning. I've phoned the school and explained that Ruby won't be in until Monday. She needs time and space to deal with things. I hope I can be strong enough to help her through it.

It all started yesterday afternoon. I met up with Roman and he was all distracted so I suggested we cancelled our plans. He didn't want to but I convinced him it was a good idea. I don't know. Ruby thinks I'm insane and 'doing my usual' but I spent so long hoping that Roman would decide that he really liked me and wanted to be with me that now he does, it's a little scary. He wants to hang out all the time and it's nice but I do need my space. I adore him but something just doesn't feel quite right. I'm not exactly sure what it is but anyway, that's not important right now. Dad is what matters.

While Roman and I were talking, I got an anxious phone call from Morag. Apparently, she and Dad were meant to go to the hospital today to see Martha but Dad disappeared. At first I thought she was fretting over nothing. But she wasn't. I admit that I've been a little worried too, ever since Fitzy and I found him lost on the road the other day. So I went to the station and was about to send a patrol car out when Jack came in. Dad had spent the day helping the team look for a body. He'd had some information on an old case. But then when Jack looked more closely at the file, he realised that the murder had been solved years ago. He was annoyed. He's got enough on his plate right now but when he saw how worried I was, he didn't make a fuss. I was so freaked out. Dad literally had a troop of cops at an old crime scene, digging and all sorts. But there was nothing there to find. Once upon a time, there would have been. But the case was solved.

I have to admit that I let rip a bit at Morag. She's obviously been worrying about him all this time and she didn't actually open up and tell us what was happening. We took him to the hospital and Rachel did some tests and stuff on him. I wasn't supposed to but I watched one of them. It was called a 'mini mental' and he failed abysmally. He couldn't even follow simple instructions. His memory is shot and it's confusing him so much. It was heartbreaking. He looked so vulnerable and lost the whole time. It was an afternoon of hell.

Roman came to the hospital to be with us and offer his support. It was kind of him. I hugged him and it felt nice to have someone want to take care of me. Not that I'd let him. I take care of myself. I always have done. That's just the way I work. But it was so nice that he cared. I hope he knows that I appreciate it.

I went in with Morag to sit with Dad and talk to Rachel. She said she thought he was suffering from Alzheimer's. I just didn't know what to say so I barely said anything. Morag asked a lot of questions and Dad looked bereft. He's such an independent man. That's half the reason why Ruby and I were so confused about Morag's behaviour with him these last few days. They're both independent. He's not a vulnerable type of man. I've wished to see the softer side of him all my life but now it's here, I can't bear it. I just want him to go back to the man he was, even if I couldn't communicate properly with that person. This broken man... it's too much. It's not fair. How can he be so unwell?

I cried a little. I fretted over what to tell Ruby but when she came to the hospital, Dad told her. I didn't know how to feel about it. I'm her mother. I should be the person protecting her from this stuff but I didn't know what to say and she has no idea that I'm anything more than a sister. It's such a confusing situation. And... oh, this is going to sound so selfish but... Rachel said he was going to get confused about time and situations. He's going to forget some things and remember others. What if he says something to Ruby? Or even to Morag? What if he lets our secret slip? Ruby knowing the truth about what happened to me and who I really am would destroy her. It was destroy us. Mum, Dad, Auntie Michelle and I all promised that nobody would know what happened – least of all Ruby. What if he gets confused and lets something slip?

Work was hell yesterday. It wasn't a particular bad day but Rubes and I just wept with Dad and Morag for most of the evening. I fell into bed, still sobbing. I felt like there was no air left in my lungs. What on earth are we going to do? How are we going to survive this? I don't think we can.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 17<strong>**th**** September**

**17:29**

**Work**

I'm on a break from work. Ruby and I both slept in and then went round to see Dad and Morag. We're all still trying to process everything. I've been working ever since. Roman's texted a few times but I don't have the energy to talk to anyone – not even him. It's too much for me. Everything is too much.

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 18<strong>**th**** September**

**21:11**

**Home**

I worked all day. Jack was pretty stressed. Martha's hair has started to fall out because of the chemotherapy. She's pretty broken up about it, as you would be. Jack feels helpless to support her. I get that. I have no idea how to help my Dad. Every moment that he suffers, I feel like I'm failing him.

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 19<strong>**th**** September**

**23:14**

**Home**

I had yet another long day at work. I was partnered with Angelo again and he was seriously moody. He didn't really explain but I get the feeling that things haven't been going so well with Belle. Every time I see her she's rushing off here there and everywhere. She's got a bee in her bonnet about something to do with this new development site. Angelo is feeling neglected. Bless him. His ego needs a lot of attention. I don't think I'd ever cope with a relationship with him. He seems to need constant attention and affection. He's more high maintenance than a girl. I imagine. I mean, I'm not a lesbian or anything but I can imagine what two girls together would get up to. Not like that! I mean... I'm not explaining myself very well. I mean that I can imagine what two women with PMS would be like. Things are dramatic enough in heterosexual relationships but two women must be so emotional. And I imagine being with Angelo is much the same. He's very sweet but he's very needy.

I wonder what two women do actually do together, come to think of it. It's not my bag but I can imagine the emotional connection between two girls would be really strong. Would that come into their lovemaking? I wonder. Not that lesbian sex is something I'm planning on experiencing. And I've had a few opportunities! When I was training, I got hit on by quite a few girls. I've never been interested but it was always quite a compliment. Why on earth am I rambling about lesbians?

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 20<strong>**th**** September**

**10:43**

**Home**

I got so distracted yesterday that I forgot to finish my account of the day. Angelo ended up having to arrest Belle. She'd started a protest down at the development site. She wasn't terribly amused at being dragged off in cuffs but if you will make a nuisance of yourself...

I've got a nice day off today and tomorrow. Ruby and I are going over to spend the day with Dad. I guess this is a time when we all need to pull together.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 21<strong>**st**** September**

**23:49**

**Home**

Well, it's been a fairly long weekend. I've been off work but things are so hard with Dad right now. When he forgets things or gets confused, it sends us all into a bit of a spin. It's so hard to know what to do with him and what to say so we all go silent and awkward. It's awful. Ruby's a mess. I feel like my heart is breaking.

* * *

><p><em>Next time... Angelo is jealous of Aden, Charlie gets things wrong with Ross and Ruby makes an Internet friend…<em>


	17. Chapter 17

**Chapter Seventeen**

**Monday 22****nd**** September**

**19:01**

**Home**

I had a pretty good day at work. I was partnered with Watson all day, which was nice. She's a lot of fun to be around, once she gets over feeling shy. I'm sure we've known each other long enough now that she shouldn't be shy. I didn't blow into town in the nicest of ways I guess but it was back in June and a lot has happened since then.

I feel like I have mellowed, although with things happening with Dad at the moment, I feel fairly highly strung again. I'm just so sad and so scared for him. How awful must it be to know that you're losing your mind, your memories, the things which make you who you are? And how awful is it going to be for us to have to watch that? How are we going to deal with losing him like this? Losing Mum was bad enough but at least she was still her when she died. Who is Dad going to be?

And, completely selfishly, Rachel said the worse things get, the more likely Dad is to start living moments in the past. What if he accidentally tells someone the truth about me and Ruby? What if he tells Ruby? If she ever found out the truth, I'd die. I'd lose her. And then I'd die. I guess we'll just have to cross that bridge when we come to it. And hope we don't come to it. Right now, we all just need to support Dad through everything. We need to take care of him.

I saw Angelo briefly today and he's looking pretty stressed. I think the weekend, which consisted of him having to arrest Belle and all her protestor friends down at the development site, wasn't a good one. He's putting a brave face on it but I don't think things are going so well with her.

I don't know if he has twigged yet – and I don't want to be the one to tell him – but it's quite clear that she and Aden are still in love with each other. They've been to hell and back and Angelo was the one who helped Belle through it but sadly, I don't think it will last. Aden and Belle belong together. I hope there is someone out there for Angelo too though. He's a good guy and he deserves nice things to happen for him. And if Belle is just stringing him along, she's not being very nice. He likes her a lot and she should treat him respectfully.

I know he managed to convince Jack to drop the charges against her though. I'd object, because she did break the law, but I don't want to see her in trouble any more than anyone else does so I will happily let it go. This time. Let's just hope she stops making trouble.

In other news, I hear on the grapevine that Alf has a date with Bridget. I think it's ever so sweet. I don't know Bridget particularly but she seems nice. She may have come back to find him but she hasn't made any trouble for Tony and Rachel. She's a cancer survivor and Jack says she's been helping Martha through everything. And Alf is such a sweetheart. His wife died some years ago. She used to run the Diner, back in the day. It's nice that he's found someone he might one day fall in love with. It's nice to be in love. So I hear.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 23<strong>**rd**** September**

**23:49**

**Home**

What a day! Angelo convincing Jack to drop the charges against Belle was, quite frankly, the least wrong he's done.

The guy who started this whole protest idea, is called Murray but he didn't go to the protest itself. Belle convinced Angelo to go into his file and hand over his address. And he found that a large sum of money was paid into his account recently. And now he has left town. Belle thinks that he was paid off. She didn't mean to say it to me but it slipped out and it doesn't take a genius to work out what happened.

I challenged Angelo and he confessed. I had to ball him out and I felt bad doing it but he broke the law. You can't be a cop and then just make it up as you go along. There are rules to follow. I can't believe he was so dumb. And for a girl who isn't even into him... I don't know. It all strikes me as pretty sad really.

I saw Belle and Aden in the Diner today. To say they were awkward with each other would be an understatement. Can anyone say unresolved sexual tension? It's driving Angelo crazy. He's jealous and I think he's right to be. I feel sorry for the guy but I'm still mad at him too. No matter how besotted you are with someone, you can't break the law for them. What's the point in jeopardising your career for someone you may or may not be in love with? There are lines and boundaries and rules to follow.

Anyway, I'll stop ranting. Except for the work side of things, it's not really any of my business. I just don't want to see Angelo fail or struggle. He really is a nice guy. I think if I hadn't met Roman first, I could even be attracted to him. Maybe. He's good looking, I guess. But mostly, he's just really sweet. That's the attractive thing about him. But anyway, I was meant to stop going on and I still am.

We had a bad Dad day today. Well, Ruby did. Nobody told me until later but when she went to lunch with Dad and Morag and it went wrong. There was some kind of incident with salt or sugar or something and Ruby couldn't take it and ran out. Roman approached me earlier to tell me that he'd found her crying at the beach. It's so hard for everyone but of those of us around Dad, the person my heart breaks most for is Ruby. My baby girl feels like she's losing everything.

After I spoke to Roman, I went to find her. She was on the computer at the Diner and she looked so lost. We chatted a little about Dad. I guess we haven't really done it that much, which makes me feel like I've let her down. It took Roman to make me realise just how much she is struggling. It's not fair that this has happened, especially so soon after losing Mum.

And that piles ever more guilt on me. If I'd have managed to do things the right way, perhaps Ruby wouldn't be so bereft. Perhaps she would have lost a grandmother and be seeing a grandfather through illness. Would that make it easier? I don't know. Is it easier with grandparents than parents? I suppose it depends on the relationship between you. But I feel like it's my fault that she's lost her Mum and is now going to lose her Dad. If I had stepped up and been the Mum she needed, perhaps I could have protected her. I should, even as a sister, be protecting her more than I am. And I'm determined to do better from now on.

I had some difficulties with Dad and Morag earlier in the day. I kept coming up with suggestions on how to make Dad's life easier but I was shot down in flames. It was frustrating but, like with Ruby, I am going to do better. I am going to step up and protect my family.

We all had dinner together tonight though – Dad, Morag, Alf, Roman, Nicole, Ruby and me. It was nice, although everything feels pretty tense. It always does.

I declined to stay over, although I am going round there tomorrow afternoon. Roman seemed a little disappointed and I guess I haven't really been spending a whole lot of time with him lately.

I just need to be there for Ruby. I have to take care of her and show her how much I love her. I'd live and I'd die for her and I regret every day that we don't have the relationship we should. So I am going to endeavour to be the best sister imaginable if I can't be her Mum.

I've just put her to bed. She was sleepy and sad and very childlike on the way home so, just like I did when she was a kid, I tucked her in. It was nice. It made me feel like her Mum.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 24<strong>**th**** September**

**00:52**

**Home**

My whole plan to be the perfect daughter kind of went wrong today. Dad and I had a massive argument. It felt like the old days. Well, it would have, if we hadn't both felt so bad about it. Dad never used to feel bad about hurting me or rejecting me when I was a kid. Everything bounced off him. But now he takes everything to heart. And while I like to think that everything bounces off me too, I know it doesn't. I take guilt very seriously. I guess I take everything seriously.

It all started when I went to see Dad, as arranged and Morag said he had gone fishing with Alf. At first I thought it was a memory thing but apparently Dad was aware and sent his apologies and asked me to drop the stuff I was bringing him, off. I was disappointed, I guess. And I was worried. At first, I didn't realise he was with Alf, which may have calmed me a little if I had known that from the beginning. Alf is a good, stand up guy, and I know he wouldn't let Dad get into trouble. But I was worried all the same and headed down to the docks to see him and convince him to come home. He was very stubborn about it and refused.

I headed back to work and ended up having to take a drunk and disorderly to and from the hospital. While I was there, I saw Dad and completely freaked out. He'd cut himself on a knife when he was fishing. Roman had patched him up but then decided he needed proper treatment and so brought him to the hospital. I was all set to abandon work and face the consequences in order to take him home and look after him but I was told not to make a fuss. How can I not make a fuss? No. Breathe, Charlie. You're not getting irate about this again. I am going to take care of my family through support not control. I am. I swear I am.

It was at the hospital that Dad and I argued. He snapped at me about the way I was treating him. I don't know. Maybe I have been disempowering. He might be sick but he is a grown man and for now, he's got most of his reasoning faculties. He needs to lead and we need to be there in case he falls, not pre-empting falls so much that we make them happen. I really am going to try and do my best.

Roman has been a real help throughout all of this. He's a nice guy. For all the problems we had before, he really is sweet and dependable now. I care so much for him, although I don't know if we will last. I don't tend to last with boyfriends. Either they turn evil or I do. I wonder what it will be this time.

But for now, he's lovely. He came and had a chat with me after the scene at the hospital. I was horrible to him and took everything he said the wrong way but I managed to calm down later.

I went for a walk along the beach to clear my head. It's something that usually helps. And in the distance, I saw Dad and Morag walking along, arm in arm. And it struck me that they look so happy. Their world is crumbling around them but they're not panicking. They just seem intent on enjoying the time they have together with Dad feeling well. So, that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to stop freaking out about everything. I'm going to be the perfect daughter and sister/mother.

I went back to see them at the house and apologised for getting bossy and they accepted it, although Dad seemed really sad. I promised that Ruby and I would be there for him, no matter what. Dad and I talked a little about Mum and he seemed so sad. He said that we shouldn't have to go through what he did when he was watching Mum fade away. But nobody in the world should have to go through that. And yet people face it every day. And we will too. We'll face it and we'll stick together.

Dad went to help Morag with dinner and Roman and I spent a little time together. I apologised to him to and told him he was right. I also asked that he'd be honest with me and tell me when I am getting it wrong in the future. He said he would but asked me not to shut him out. I wonder if he knows what a big request that is. I've never really shared anything with anyone. I've always dealt with stuff by myself. I mean, I've had friends and of course, Ruby, but I've always kept some kind of distance between myself and boyfriends. I don't know if I can change that habit but maybe it's time to try. Part of me wants to include him, to let him in. But as much as I care for him, I don't think I'll succeed in taking him as deeply into my heart as he might want. It would take... oh, I don't know who it would take to make me want to do that. I want someone sweet and loving and kind. Roman is but... in a different way. I want someone who'll be vulnerable with me, who'll let me in to their heart so that I can do the same. But there's little point describing my ideal partner. I've got Roman and I should be happy with that. I spent long enough trying to get him!

Ruby is at a sleepover with Annie tonight. I hope she's having a good time. She's been a little strange today, a little distant. And she's spent a hell of a lot of time on the computer. Maybe she has a lot of homework or something. I think I'll try and do something nice with her this weekend. I'm working for most of it but I can spare a morning, even if it's just to hang out and not do very much. We could just talk and check in with each other.

She said that girl, Melody has returned to school. I hope she's okay.

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 25<strong>**th**** September**

**12:41**

**Work**

I'm at work and taking my lunch break. There isn't a whole lot to report. I'm seeing Roman tonight. He's taking me out to dinner. It'll be nice to spend some proper time together. Everything recently has all been to do with the family and stuff.

I checked with Ruby that it would be okay to stay over at his place and she said it was cool. We've arranged to spend Saturday morning together and I can't wait. She still seems a little distant but hopefully, if something is bothering her, she'll talk to me about it properly at the weekend.

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 26<strong>**th**** September**

**10:33**

**Work**

What a slow morning! There doesn't seem to be anything to do here at work so I am taking a naughty break.

I might drag Angelo out on patrol later. He looks absolutely miserable. I don't think things are going so well between him and Belle – surprise, surprise. Poor guy. He could do so much better. Not that I don't like Belle. I do. She's a nice girl. But she and Aden are so blatantly in love. And Angelo can do better than a woman who wants to be with someone else.

I had a lovely evening last night with Roman. It was so romantic. We had a long, luxurious dinner in Yabbie Creek and then went for a romantic walk along the beach. We got a little intimate on the sand, although I stopped before... you know. I don't think it would be terribly appropriate for a Senior Constable to get done for indecency!

But we took it back to his place and it was a good night. He seemed somehow more connected with me when we were... together. It's like he cares for me more or something. I don't know. It's a bit scary really but I'll go with it for now. He's a good guy and I do care a lot for him.

He's a little bit stressed about Nicole at the moment and for the first time, he isn't pushing me away over it. He says she's being distant and distracted, almost depressed and he doesn't quite know what's up with her.

He's going to try and spend time with her at the weekend like I am going to spend time with Ruby. I really am looking forward to that. She's also been down and distant and I can't help but be worried. All I want to do is take care of her.

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 27<strong>**th**** September**

**22:37**

**Home**

Well, I am exhausted! I have happily crawled into bed and I think I could sleep for about a week. Although, I have to work in the morning so perhaps that won't be a good plan! I don't know why I'm so tired really, except that I think the stress of the week has got to me. Angelo is moping and breaking the rules, Dad is sick, Ruby is sad... I think it's all got a little too much.

I had a good night last night. Roman I went out for a few drinks and we saw Alf on his date with Bridget. Roman stayed the night, which is rare but nice and then in the morning, he went out to see Nicole and Ruby and I headed down to the beach together. It was so nice. We talked about so many things. She'd noticed that Roman stayed and we talked a lot about him, although she warned me not to go into 'arrest mode' because it seems like he is really starting to care for me. I denied it but I can see it happening. Not now. Now is too stressful with Dad and everything but yeah... I don't know if we will last.

But anyway, there's no need to think about that yet. Rubes and I had a great time. After we'd dissected my love life, we turned to hers. She said she didn't have one. After the humiliating crush on Miles, which, thankfully she seems to have got over now, she says that there is nobody around who interests her. She wants to be young, free and single and be able to focus on her family.

She mentioned this girl that she's been talking to on-line though. I had to offer a warning about the dangers of chatting on-line but she seems pretty adamant that this girl understands her. At least it's a girl... as far as we know. If it was a guy who had designs on her, I assume they'd say they were male so that Ruby might start thinking about them in that way. I will have to keep a close eye on it. And I'd strongly object if she was going to meet her. But I guess it is nice to have someone who understands what she's going through with Dad. And someone her age too. I have warned her though. On-line stuff can be seriously dangerous.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 28<strong>**th**** September**

**20:14**

**Home**

I worked pretty much all day today so I am tired again. But it was an okay day.

Angelo was miserable. Apparently Belle's pissed off because Aden has ditched his job at the Diner and gone to work at the development site. I'm sure he's just trying to antagonise her. And Angelo is the one who has to suffer the consequences. I swear, if someone treated me badly, I'd be gone! (Says the girl who put up with Roman messing her around for weeks on end). Okay, maybe I'm not really one to talk!

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Charlie and Morag struggle to work together, Aden goes on trial and Melody struggles with her mother…<em>


	18. Chapter 18

**Chapter Eighteen**

**Monday 29****th**** September**

**21:03**

**Home**

It's been one hell of a long day. I'm taking a few days leave so I can try and get my head around looking after and figuring out what's best for Dad. I know Ruby is struggling and Dad is too. Morag and I can't seem to see eye to eye about any of it. I don't really know what to do for the best. Every time I make a step forward, I seem to make things worse. How am I meant to do what's best for my family when I have no control over anything? I don't know how to do this.

I headed round there this morning and Morag and I ended up fighting over Dad's medication. She's taken him off one set of pills, apparently on the GP's advice. But the GP isn't a specialist. How does he know what's right? We should be dealing with one Doctor and one Doctor only if we're going to manage any kind of continuity. And how does Morag know whether that pill was helping or not? He got side effects so she ditched it without giving it a proper chance. I don't know. Maybe I'm fussing over nothing but I can't help it. I just want to help.

Dad got stressed out by our argument so I went to try and talk to him and in the end, we decided to hit the gym together. He always used to like working out and half his problem is that he can't sleep so I thought if he was more active in the day then he'd sleep better and we wouldn't have to cut out the pills. I just think the Doctor wouldn't have put him on them if they weren't going to help.

It was all going really well but then Morag came in just as Dad got dizzy and fell. She totally blamed me and took him away. How can we keep doing the best for Dad if Morag and I are going to fight at every turn? I mean, I know the answer to that is not to fight. But we just seem to have different opinions on every single thing.

After the gym, I decided to head home. Rachel came round to see Leah but she wasn't home. We chatted a little about how things were going with Dad. I admitted that I felt like I kept making things worse and I think we might have had a good chat if Dad hadn't come round. Rachel left and Dad basically told me to stop stepping on Morag's toes. That's not what I mean to do. I just want to take care of my father. I caught up with Morag later and told her off for sending him round. She swears she didn't and I don't know if I want to believe her or not.

I've stayed at home this evening. I would have tried to spend time with Rubes but she seemed intent on staying in her room. She's still feeling stressed about the whole thing but if I go in there now, feeling stressed myself, I know I won't help.

Roman called and wondered if I wanted to do something but I didn't. We had a nice chat though. He spent the day in court with Aden. He's on trial for trying to kill Larry and for abducting Rachel. Roman said it was a pretty hard day and it didn't go so well. Apparently Angelo gave some pretty damning evidence against Aden, which I doubt will make him very popular. But I guess sometimes, as cops, we have to make hard decisions. I have compassion for Aden and I would hate for him to go to jail but I wasn't there. If Angelo thinks that's where he belongs then I guess he has to do what he feels is right. In an unofficial capacity, I know that there were a lot of mitigating circumstances and not just because Larry was on the run after he killed that guy.

Rachel gave evidence too, which is probably why she looked so down this afternoon. That doesn't sound like it went so well and Roman was very bent out of shape over Aden's lawyer not pushing the issue of what happened to Aden when he was a kid. Apparently Aden doesn't want his ordeal to be submitted to court, even though that could potentially spare him a jail term. He's a stubborn boy, I'll give him that.

By the sounds of it, it all went wrong when Belle took the stand. She started telling the court what had happened to Aden and he freaked out and fired his lawyer. Court has been adjourned until tomorrow. I have no idea what he thinks he's going to do but it's not looking good. If he tells the truth about what his grandfather did to him then he could probably just about get away with it. I mean, for those few of us that know the truth, it makes what he did to Larry that little bit more understandable.

But then, I do understand where he's coming from. I think I'd rather go to jail than tell the truth about what happened to me. My whole world would end if people knew that I was a rape victim. And worse... if they knew the truth about Ruby. If _Ruby_ knew the truth. I couldn't stand up and tell people that. I just couldn't.

I hope everything works out for Aden. Despite the attitude, he's a good guy. And I know too well the necessity of concocting an attitude in order to protect yourself from harm.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 30<strong>**th**** September**

**23:12**

**Home**

I have to be quick because I am sharing a room with Ruby and she's complaining about the light being on. We haven't shared a bed since Mum and Dad used to drag us out on a family holidays in a little caravan and I remember her being a real fidget. But if it means keeping Dad safe then it's worth it.

He's decided to move in so that he can give Morag some space. He says it's only for a few days but I am hoping it will be more long term than that. I want the best for him and I think being with someone who will devote themselves to his care, is the best.

I also think I am going to look into getting a three bedroom place for Dad, Ruby and I. If this situation does stay long term, poor Leah and VJ shouldn't have to live with us and get dragged into our mess. And I may have to look into leaving work and focussing on Dad's care. I'm not sure what we'd do for money but I am sure we can work something out. There must be some kind of support for carers, mustn't there?

Okay, Ruby is really hassling me now so I will continue this tomorrow.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 1<strong>**st**** October 2008**

**20:30**

**Home**

Well, I am definitely not getting hassle from Ruby right now. She's not here and I don't know where she is. She was pretty upset earlier and I don't know what she's getting up to in order to try and make herself feel better. I'm worried. Dad says she didn't say anything to him about where she was going. He was making dinner when I got home this afternoon so I presume she didn't make any other plans. I don't know. I've tried calling her but she won't pick up.

I went round to see Dad yesterday and was a little alarmed to realise that the retired Morag had decided to act as Aden's lawyer. I feel bad for the guy and it's good that he's got the best (apparently) but what about Dad? Who was there to protect him while Morag was protecting Aden?

I spent the day with him and we had a really long, calm chat about everything. He felt that Morag was struggling with him. On the basis that he felt he was letting her down by not being the husband she'd expected when she agreed to marry him, we decided that he would come and stay with me and Ruby for a little while.

I _think _last night went well, although Ruby is being strange and moody. I'd say she was being a bit of a brat but I feel too bad for her (and currently worried) for that right now.

I convinced her to help me help Dad unpack and organise his room and stuff though. That's why I am sharing with her. Dad has my room. Hers is bigger and can accommodate two people more easily than me and Dad needs his privacy. I couldn't exactly put him on the couch or something, could I?

We three had breakfast together this morning but Ruby was still moody and ended up making Dad admit to not being able to find the bathroom last night. We both heard him wandering around. I was going to go and help but Ruby made me stay. I'm aware of not patronising and disempowering him so I agreed. Ruby was snappy and horrible. She wouldn't wait with Dad while I ran to get milk from the store and she wouldn't get the milk herself and ended up walking out on us so in the end, after a little fumbling with Dad's memory, he and I headed out to the Diner for coffee.

I caught up with Roman for a brief while. He is totally on Morag's side over everything, which is disappointing but I don't care especially. Boyfriend or no boyfriend, he's not in charge of what I do. I respect his opinion but living with me and Ruby is what Dad wants and I am not going to deny him that. I hope I've been helpful so far. I've tried to look after him and I labelled things in order to make them easier for Dad to find.

Later this afternoon, Morag came round and basically kicked me out so that she could spend time with Dad. I was reluctant at first, but I get it. Couples need time together. It's never really been a priority in my life but I do understand. It makes me wonder though... I've hardly spent any time with Roman recently. He seems to be angling to hang out more but my head is just full of Dad and everything. I can't concentrate on a relationship. My, how the tables have turned!

When I came back home, I found Dad making dinner and Ruby sobbing in the lounge. She said something about Dad being a parent for the first time in ages and then forgetting all about it. She kept saying that she didn't want to live with Dad and look after him and that she couldn't handle it. She seemed so devastated. And although I controlled it, it set me off. She's losing a parent she should never have had.

Dad hasn't been a proper Dad for a long time. First he was all busy with work, then Mum was dying, then get got all swept away with Morag, then he was on his honeymoon and now he's sick. I thought it was all okay with me and Ruby... that she didn't mind me being her guardian. But I guess she does. I've let her down again. And now I don't know where she is.

Hang on. She mentioned something about a party. I should call her again.

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 2<strong>**nd**** October**

**12:19**

**Work**

I went back to work today. Morag spent the day with Dad. Ruby was meant to be there for him but she wasn't interested. It turns out that last night, she did go to that party. She came in drunk and emotional. I would have yelled at her about her behaviour but she was such a mess. I gave her some aspirin and made her drink a pint of water in order to avoid a terrible hang over. She got into bed and fell into my arms and cried. I held her for all I was worth and listened to her sadness over having to look after Dad and how unfair it was that all of this was happening. I was there for her. I hope. All I want to do is protect my little girl. And my Dad.

She explained that Dad had banned her from the party and then forgotten about it. She said she was so happy that he had been the Dad she wanted and needed but then it all went wrong. It seems that rather than being disappointed by not being allowed to the party, she was glad Dad had an opinion and was able to enforce it. Until he forgot. Which I guess is why she went. I hope she behaved. I know far too well what teenage boys are like, especially at parties and especially when they've been drinking. One night at a party ruined my life. I don't want the same thing to happen to my Ruby.

I ended up crying too and we fell asleep like that. It made me feel like a parent. A failed parent, but a parent all the same. How can I keep Ruby happy and take care of my Dad all at the same time?

At work, I was quickly updated on everything I miss. It sounds like it has been pretty crazy. Oh, and I totally forgot to say that Aden got off. Sort of. He was found guilty of kidnapping but not guilty of attempted murder and he has been given a twelve month good behaviour bond. I hope now that he can restart his life and move on. He can be a survivor and not let what his grandfather did to him ruin him.

I like to think I didn't let that boy ruin me. Sometimes I think he did and that I'm just good at pretending but I guess, if he really had destroyed me, I wouldn't be here now. I wouldn't be the youngest Senior Constable in the area and I wouldn't be continuing to do my best in life. I just wish I didn't keep getting it wrong.

I patrolled with Angelo for a bit and he's really down. I think Belle's devotion to Aden during the trial has made him realise what I've known all along. Angelo is just a stop gap. She loves Aden and she always will. He said that he felt like Belle was treating him like an enemy throughout. I didn't like to point out that technically, he was the enemy. He was the officer bringing the charges against Aden. I know he had to. It's his job. But still...

And it turns out that someone put a brick through his windscreen. Jack is certain it wasn't Aden because he has an alibi but Angelo still seems to be harbouring a grudge. But it appears that what's really pissing him off is that Belle tried to get it fixed without telling him. She obviously thought it was Aden too and wanted to protect him. Maybe that just makes her a nice person. But I don't think Angelo is quite so sure.

Then he found out that Belle had specifically requested the morning off work in order to support Aden. I get it. He means a lot to her. But I do understand Angelo's paranoia too. He's so clearly besotted and she so clearly doesn't feel the same way.

It seems that the thing that swung the court case was Aden's bravery. He admitted everything that happened with his grandfather and explained that the thing that pushed him over the edge was his Dad's confession that the grandfather had abused him too. That means he knew the guy was dangerous and he still left Aden in his care. He let the abuse happen to him. Just thinking about it makes me feel sick. Who could do that to their child?

I know Dad didn't do all that I wished he had after I was raped but at least he was there. At least I knew he cared. He might not have rushed off and chased the bad guy, he might not have protected me in that way and encouraged me to stand up for truth and justice but... he loved me. I know he loved me. And I know... deep down... that he did his best.

Maybe Larry thought he was doing his best too but it doesn't seem that way. Aden was just a kid. He was younger than I was. And his whole start in life was destroyed because of this. And for a while, it looked like his future could have been too. I'm just glad that the judge saw fit to give him another chance. He's so brave to admit what happened. I couldn't have done it.

Angelo was complaining to me today that Belle got all choked up in court while Aden was explaining everything but I had to call him on it. Who wouldn't get choked up listening to a description of that kind of horror? I am glad I wasn't there. I might have cried. I don't do tears but I might have broken then.

Apparently Rachel was re-called to the stand and gave an outstanding explanation of Aden's actions and really stood up for him in a professional capacity. And with her being his victim, I think that was pretty brave and kind. But she also said that it was Aden's love from and for Belle that stopped him from doing anything really bad. Obviously that didn't impress Angelo either.

Maybe I should ask Roman what happened. It wasn't so easy to get the facts from an irate man with personal grievances! When they were celebrating at the Surf Club afterwards, Angelo is sure that he walked in on something. It was some kind of charged moment between Aden and Belle. I wish he'd just break up with her and save his heart and his dignity.

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 2<strong>**nd**** October**

**18:31**

**Home**

Angelo came back to work in a strange mood today. He was so miserable before he left for lunch and then just as he was heading out, he got a phone call from Belle and seemed really happy again. I'm not entirely sure what happened but they seem to have made up.

He headed out to the hospital on a lead on a case later on and he came back unhappy. I asked what the problem was and he just said his lead had died. So, I don't know if someone actually died or if the trail got cold or something. I don't even know what he was working on. Still, he'll tell me (I hope), if it's something for me to worry about.

For now, I am just going to focus on my family. I'm looking into getting some more time off. It's hard to juggle Dad around those willing and able to take care of him. He needs me more than the community does right now.

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 3<strong>**rd**** October**

**16:44**

**Home**

Work was okay. Morag and Dad spent the day together again, although I've managed to come home a little earlier than yesterday. It's always like that though, when you've been off for a while. There is always so much to catch up on.

Angelo was in a far better mood today. I think things are going better with Belle and he had that smug 'I had sex' look. I haven't had it in a while!

I really ought to try and spend more time with Roman. Maybe I can invite him round tonight. But then, he couldn't stay because I'm in Ruby's room. And I can't leave Dad all day and all night. Oh, this is all so much responsibility. Maybe I will just call Roman instead and make sure that he knows I still care about him.

We had a weird case today. That Melody girl, the one who was raped, came to tell us what she's going through with her mother. Miles brought her in and it sounds horrific. Her mother tried to exorcise her and Melody has said she wishes she could divorce her parents.

I can't help but empathise with any rape victim. She's such a mess and it's all that boy's fault. Perhaps her mother wouldn't have gone nuts if it hadn't happened. I mean, I can't really comment. I don't know what their relationship was like before. But I hope we can help make things better somehow. I'm going to have to keep a fair distance though. It's too much for me to get involved in a rape case. I can't do it. I'm not strong enough.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 5<strong>**th**** October**

**10:09**

**Home**

Dad has had a particularly bad weekend. His memory problems seem to be getting worse far more rapidly than any of us realised they would. We struggled with him all day and he seems to be getting pretty depressed too, which obviously isn't helping.

Since Ruby's tears in front of him the other day, he has decided that he is a burden that none of us need. That makes Ruby feel guilty so on the one hand, I've had Dad forgetting the previous conversation every time I talk to him about something new and on the other, I have had Ruby in tears in her room. It's hard to comfort both of them.

Dad suggested that I go and spend the night at Roman's. I thought he was trying to get rid of me but he said he was fine at night time because he was just sleeping and that Ruby might appreciate a night by herself.

I tentatively suggested it to Rubes, who promptly panicked and said I was abandoning her and asked how she could possibly look after Dad all by herself. Once I'd calmed her down, she agreed and I promised that if there was a problem she could just call me.

She accused me (before she calmed down) of trying to shirk my responsibilities to go and have sex with Roman. That is so not what I meant to do. I did have sex with Roman and it was nice to spend the night in his bed with him instead of having Rubes kick me all night while I listened out for Dad in case he needed me. But sex was never the objective.

Roman said that he was glad to see me though and kept telling me how much he missed me. He was being all sweet and loving. It made me feel weird. I don't really like that kind of expression of emotion. I never have. I don't like the idea of a partner loving or needing me that much. But I think he appreciated having some actually time together.

Morag not-so-subtly accused me of abandoning Dad though. We argued a little bit but then went our separate ways. I don't care what she thinks.

I came back early this morning and so far peace is reigning in the house so let's just hope it stays that way.

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Melody is abducted by her own mother and Ross moves into supported housing after nearly burning the house down…<em>


	19. Chapter 19

_Thank you everyone for your well wishes. The stomach bug seems to be fading out, although I appear to coming down with a cold now. It really is just getting silly… But anyway, thank you again and I hope you enjoy the chapter. Love, IJKS xxx_

**Chapter Nineteen**

**Tuesday 7****th**** October**

**19:42**

**Home**

I had a busy few days at work. That Melody girl was kidnapped by her own mother yesterday and the crazy bitch managed to knock Geoff over with her car in the process. It's sorted now, apparently.

Miles said that she is staying with him permanently now so I hope that she will be able to find some kind of stability. Miles is a good guy and he and Kirsty seem to be able to offer a family unit. They have Kirsty's son, Ollie and Annie's boyfriend, Jai living with them. Jai was pretty troubled for a while but he seems to have evened himself out and he has come from a very troubled background. So, perhaps with time, Melody can heal from her traumas too.

I empathise too much. I wish I could have done more to help her really but it's too much for me. And I have enough going on without going completely out of my way. Ruby and I are still sharing and Dad is still in my room. I think we'll eventually all have to find somewhere together. There isn't enough space for all of us and it's a real imposition on Leah. Dad is going from bad to worse, Ruby isn't coping and nor am I. How am I meant to look after both of them?

I'm spending the night at Roman's tonight. Things were okay last time I did that so I hope they'll be okay tonight. It's good for Ruby to get a night to herself. I won't leave until much later. I'll literally just sleep at Roman's and then come back in the morning so Ruby won't have to endure a whole evening alone with Dad. And she knows she can call me if there's a problem.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 8<strong>**th**** October**

**17:32**

**Home**

Things have got worse at home. Dad nearly burnt the house down today. What are we meant to do with him? How can we support him and keep him safe but help him retain his independence? I just don't know how to play this.

I tried to have a night off last night by spending it with Roman but I ended up on his couch with the weight of the world on my shoulders in the middle of the night. Roman's snoring disturbed me but it wasn't his fault. I couldn't get my mind to stop going into overdrive. Roman's solution was sex. It didn't work but he seemed happy enough when he rolled over and fell back to sleep.

When I came back this morning, I discovered that Ruby and Leah had had quite a night with Dad. I fretted all morning and Ruby was really down about the whole thing. She said she spent two hours talking online with this Sky girl. I'm trying to be supportive but I'm not sure how healthy it is for her to spend her whole holidays chatting online. I accept that it helps her but I don't want her to neglect her 3D friends. They want to help her too. And she could do a lot worse than hang out with the likes of Annie and Jai. And this Matthew boy too. He's been hanging around her a lot lately. He seems nice. He helped us today.

I went out to see Roman and left Dad with Ruby. I'm not entirely clear on everything that happened but Ruby, Annie and Jai showed up at the Diner and Ruby was in a state. Apparently Dad got frustrated and shouted something at her about preferring to be taken out back and shot rather than being patronised and looked after. I comforted her and took her home, only to find the kitchen full of smoke.

Dad had left the kettle on the hot plate and nearly burnt the place down. Matthew had stopped by the see Ruby and was trying to fix the damage. Dad was missing. Aden brought him home. It looks like he left and got lost and showed up at Roman's place.

Everything is such a mess. What the hell are we meant to do now?

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 8<strong>**th**** October**

**23:01**

**Home**

Dad has gone to bed and so has Ruby and the rest of the house. I am tucked up on the sofa with a blanket. I can't quite settle so I thought I'd write in here.

We left Dad with Morag earlier this evening and I went to explain things to Leah. She was understanding but agreed that it's time to move out. Dad is our problem, not hers and it's becoming too dangerous to have him around the house, especially with VJ. They've been so good to us but I think it's time to move on. Roman said he'd help me look for rentals and stuff.

I had a heart to heart with Ruby. She's really struggling with it all. So am I but she's so young and vulnerable and it's my job to protect her. Even if she doesn't know that. I just want to keep her and Dad safe. They mean everything to me. She says she feels like she doesn't even know Dad anymore, like he's gone. I get it. He isn't the person he was. He's so lost. He's so vulnerable. And it's only going to get worse. I have no idea how we are going to cope.

He didn't want us around tonight. He said he needed to talk to Morag alone so Ruby and I sat out on the patio and had our dinner. She cried some more and we talked about what's happening. It sounds like she's getting support from this Sky girl, although I am not without my concerns. I asked about this Matthew boy and she got all coy. I think she likes him. He seems pretty sweet. It'd be nice for her to find someone to love. As long as he's a decent sort with good intentions.

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 9<strong>**th**** October**

**22:11**

**Home**

Dad's moving into supported accommodation. I feel sick just thinking about it. I feel like a failure. I feel like I have let him down. I _have _let him down. I should have done more. I should have protected him. I should have moved house, quit my job, done everything I could to be there for him. I should have been a better daughter. I should have been more capable. I should never have let him feel like a burden or get himself into the state he was yesterday. I'm a waste of space. I always have been.

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 10<strong>**th**** October**

**16:17**

**Home**

Today has been a day from hell. Like I said yesterday, Dad is moving into supported accommodation so that he can be properly cared for. I don't want him to. I want to look after him myself. I hate the idea of shipping him off to some home with nurses and strangers. It feels like we're abandoning him. That's not right, is it? He should be being taken care of by his family. None of this is right.

We went to bed without really talking to Dad properly or finding out what he'd spoken to Morag about. But later in the day, he sat us down and told us his decision. I objected but Ruby seemed happy with the idea. I know it's a lot for her to deal with but I don't agree that he should go away, hide under a rock somewhere and let us pretend that the problem doesn't exist. How could I live with myself if I abandoned my Dad?

It was all too much for me so I left. I went round to see Roman and he was a comfort, although he doesn't know me well enough to really understand. Nobody does. Nobody gets the relationship Dad and I have. I've worshiped him and hated him in equal measure. We struggled so much when I was younger. I became a cop partly because I wanted to make him proud of me. But he let me down when I needed him. I've always resented him for that. And I've always felt like I was the biggest disappointment in his life. Oh, this is all so messed up! What the hell am I meant to do?

When I got back to the house, I forced myself to be supportive. Morag has said that wherever Dad goes, she'll move with him. That's a comfort. And the only other comfort I can take from it is that at least he'll be local. We can visit him all the time. We won't be abandoning him, even if we do hand his care over. That's okay, isn't it?

This morning, Rubes and I went to the gym. We continued to talk about Dad and she still thinks he's making the right decision. I'm still not entirely convinced but I'm going to be supportive.

I met up with Morag and made peace with her. We haven't exactly had the easiest relationship so far but I know for sure now that she is in this with Dad for the long haul. It's time to let things lie and get along. It's what Dad needs us to do.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 12<strong>**th**** October**

**16:17**

**Home**

Now that Dad has moved back in with Morag, things feel a little less like my responsibility. I've checked it's okay with Ruby and I am going round to see Roman tonight. I may or may not stay. It'd actually be quite nice to sleep in my own bed for a change. I've been sharing with him or Ruby every night for the last week or so and I'd quite like to stretch out and sleep by myself. I've never been one for sharing a bed really.

Yeah, I think I'll come back here and sleep alone. The more I think about it, the more I like the idea. I can honestly never see myself living with someone or something like that. I couldn't take the space reduction! I like my life, my routine and my space. Sharing with someone every single night would be horrific!

* * *

><p><em>Next time... Charlie and Roman have a misunderstanding, Ruby reacts badly when she finds out who Sky really is and Ross and Morag move away…<em>


	20. Chapter 20

**Chapter Twenty**

**Monday 13****th**** October**

**23:13**

**Home**

What a day. What a hell of a day. I've only just got Ruby to sleep. I tucked her in and sat with her, telling her stories and making her feel better. It reminded me of when we were kids. After I came home from my year away at Auntie Michelle's, when I was trying and failing to be Ruby's mother, I used to tuck her in and read her bedtime stories. She thought I was a wonderful sister for that. If only she knew... No. She can never know. It's much better for me to be a wonderful sister than for me to be a terrible mother.

But tucking her in and looking after her like that, it made me feel close to her in a way that I don't get to very often. She's fifteen and growing up so fast. But she's been so vulnerable with everything with Dad and I hope I'm doing my best to look after her. Just as I did all those years ago, when she was asleep, I kissed the top of her head and whispered that I loved her. And now I am back in my room.

The day started off nicely. I saw Roman the night before but I didn't stay. Dad and Morag asked Rubes and I round for breakfast – which Roman ended up cooking. Then it all went wrong.

Martha was there but she was obviously feeling unwell so she left and Roman abandoned us all to go after her and make sure she was okay. If it was a normal breakfast then perhaps I wouldn't have minded. But Dad invited us round to say that he and Morag are moving away. He needs more intense help and says he doesn't want his girls to watch him deteriorate so he and Morag are going to live in Morag's apartment in the city.

Ruby was devastated, snapped a little and then ran off to school in tears. A big part of me wanted to go after her but I felt so sad and so numb that I couldn't move. I just sat there and tried to process things but still now, I can't get my head around it. Ruby and I moved here in order to be close to Dad. It was my last ditch effort to develop a relationship with him. And he's moving away. And the man he once was will soon be unrecognisable anyway.

I do understand his reasons. I get it. He's essentially losing his mind, his memories, the life he's made for himself. He doesn't want us to suffer it with him. Not that moving away will make us stop loving him or caring for him. Morag said we can visit and we will. All the time, we will visit.

He seemed so sad at breakfast. After Ruby's outburst, he looked bereft and said that he feels like every decision he makes upsets one of us. I guess this can only ever be a lose-lose situation.

I stopped off for a coffee at the Diner. I was not-so-secretly hoping to bump into Roman. But he spent the day with Martha, as was revealed by the delightful Colleen. She couldn't stop praising him for how he's handling all my family troubles and then still having time to be there for his 'old flame'. Like I need reminding!

He texted me to let me know where he was. I met up with him at his place later in the day. With Dad and Morag living there as well, I'm pretty much allowed to let myself in and out as I want. That's progress in a relationship, right? What wasn't progress was the argument I had with Roman.

Dad and Morag had gone to find Ruby and I ended up snapping at Roman. I was just so sure that he was fed up with me and all the hassle that's being going on lately. He said he wasn't but I accused him of choosing Martha over me. He then presented a bracelet he'd bought me. He'd wanted to cheer Martha up and then she'd gone into Yabbie Creek with him to help him pick out something that would cheer _me _up. He dumped it on the table and left. I still feel pretty guilty. He was trying to be nice and I flew off the handle.

I found him at the Diner later, apologised and ate humble pie. I'd put the bracelet on – it really is lovely – and he was very sweet and understanding. I admitted that I feel pretty lost with losing Dad in this way, having only lost Mum a few months ago. He said I have him. I'm not really sure I deserve him but I'm glad. Whether this lasts or not, our relationship feels mostly good right now. Sometimes I feel like he's not there. And sometimes I feel like he's there too much. But to be honest, I think it's me. I care a great deal about him and I think he is what I need right now. I just need to stop over-thinking everything and start to enjoy life again. It's been hard, what with Dad and everything, but, as awful as it sounds, perhaps when he and Morag are in the city – they're leaving tomorrow – and I know Dad has proper care, well, perhaps things will improve here. My energy can be more focussed on work and Roman again. And Ruby, obviously. But my energy is usually always focussed on her anyway.

Speaking of... When I left the Diner, I saw some boys fighting on the beach, including the guy who rescued our house from burning down – Matthew. I broke it up and asked what was going on. He told me to ask Ruby. I found her and she confessed all.

Basically, she set him up. It turns out that this Sky person Ruby's been so enthralled with is actually Matthew. It turns out that it was because he really liked her and was trying to find a way in. But she was pissed off – understandably really – and decided to take revenge. This was less understandable.

She convinced him to go skinny dipping in the sea and then, when he was naked, she stole his clothes and ran off with them. She'd got Jai to film the whole thing and before she could tell him she'd changed her mind, he had uploaded it onto the Internet. The poor kid is an absolute laughing stock. I know he did wrong by lying to her but it seems like he really cared about her and it was the only way he could think to get close to her. Unacceptable but a little bit understandable.

Anyway, I dragged Ruby home for a swift telling off. She burst into tears and it seems like all of this has been about Dad. She really isn't a vengeful person and I'm sure she didn't really mean any harm. She's just so mixed up about everything. She admitted to me that she was relieved that Dad's moving away. And she feels like a terrible person because of it. But she's not. I guess I'm relieved in my own way. We're sad. Of course we're sad. But it means the pressure is off and we don't have to lose him so slowly and intensely as we might otherwise have done.

Okay, now _I_ feel like a terrible person. I just don't know how to explain myself properly. Ruby was terribly worried that Dad knew she was relieved but to be honest, even if he did, he wouldn't have minded. Dad might not have been around for me particularly, but he loves Ruby. He loves her, or at least shows he loves her, far more than he does me. She's never let him down the way I have. She's never disappointed him.

Okay, I don't even know where I'm going with this now except that I suddenly feel devastated again.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 14<strong>**th**** October**

**00:49**

**Home**

Sorry. I had to stop crying. I hate those moments when I can't control myself. I get swamped with the past. Everything with _him _and Dad and Mum and Ruby. My darling Ruby. I remain astounded that something, someone so beautiful and amazing, the most wonderful part of my life, can come from something so soul destroying and evil. It makes no sense.

But anyway, I comforted Ruby for a long time. I just held her and let her cry. I might have cried a little myself too. It's generally a rare occurrence but obviously I was full of tears today. Yesterday. Whatever.

She and I headed out and we went into Yabbie Creek to have dinner with Dad and Morag. They're leaving tomorrow afternoon so it was our last night to be together as a family. Ruby was tired and emotional when we got back home, hence tucking her in and stuff. I hope we can face tomorrow.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 14<strong>**th**** October**

**20:08**

**Home**

Dad and Morag left today. There was a little do at the Diner and it was nice that people came. Irene, Roman, Alf and Colleen all rallied around to say their goodbyes. Angelo popped in, which was nice. I haven't spoken to him properly for a while. I didn't get to speak to him properly then either but I'm back at work tomorrow and we'll probably end up on shift together.

Anyway, Ruby was very down – and not just about Dad. She thought she'd made amends with Matthew but at school today, she found her stolen journal photocopied and posted around the school. She was mortified and humiliated. I hope I have succeeded in convincing her not to retaliate. If she can leave it at this then perhaps they can forget all about it. I'm sure they'll never become friends or anything but perhaps they can find some kind of peace.

Alf came with us to see Dad and Morag to the car. Ruby and I were both pretty tearful but we comforted each other. I think it's a good move. Dad needs proper care and we just can't give him what he needs. Plus, those lucid moments, he's going to want to spend with his wife. He and Morag are newlyweds and it seems like they've pretty much skipped the honeymoon period. So, perhaps, with support, they can gain that back.

I took Ruby out to the movies and for a greasy, unhealthy burger. We've just got home and I have a very long shift at work tomorrow so I think I'm going to crash in front of the TV and then get an early night. I hope things calm down at school for poor Ruby.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 15<strong>**th**** October**

**22:32**

**Home**

I had a pretty busy day at work. I've had a lot of time off recently and to be honest, it feels good to be back. I'm rarely happier than when I'm working. I love my job an unhealthy amount!

As I suspected, I was on shift with Angelo. We patrolled a bit and caught up. He doesn't seem very happy and spent most of the time talking about Belle. She seems obsessed with this development site business but it seems that instead of involving him, which he's not sure if he's happy or sad about, she keeps turning to Aden. He's jealous. And he said that she visited Aden a lot yesterday. I'm not even going to ask how he knows her whereabouts when she hasn't told him herself. I think I'll leave that alone. But if he's following her or something, that is beyond creepy. I don't know. He's pretty good at extracting information from people so perhaps he just found out. It's not my place to accuse him of anything.

I heard from Colleen that the little boy Rachel took under her wing has died. She seems pretty cut up about it. I hope she's okay. I saw her for a brief moment, not to talk to or anything, just in passing, and she looked pretty heartbroken. Poor thing.

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 16<strong>**th**** October**

**12:12**

**The Beach**

I'm on the beach and taking my lunch break. It does feel good to be back at work, although things have been pretty slow. I'm having dinner with Ruby tonight, which I'm looking forward to. I think things have calmed down for her, which is good. And we have spoken to Dad and Morag every night and they both seemed very settled. Things are looking up.

I haven't seen much of Roman but that's possibly a good thing. He's been inundated with my family and all that stress so I'm sure he'll appreciate some down time. But I did text and we're spending the evening together tomorrow.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 19<strong>**th**** October**

**13:02**

**The Beach**

I had a nice dinner with Rubes on Thursday. She seems to be feeling happier, although she said that Nicole is struggling terribly with Geoff and Melody. It looks like Melody wants to be with Geoff and Nicole can't figure out how Geoff feels. Then last night, Nicole announced to Roman and I that she has run and won the female school captaincy. I haven't said anything but she doesn't strike me as the school captain type. So I can't help but suspect her motives – having been told that Melody and Geoff were also running for something. Even Ruby thinks Nicole was trying to stop Melody and Geoff spending too much time together.

Roman and I spent the night together on Friday, which was nice. We were subject to a Geoff and Melody related rant from Nicole but Aden abducted her and took her to the Surf Club. He's pretty moody these days. I think, from what Angelo has said, there's a lot of chaos going on with Belle right now. I'm not entirely sure what she's playing at but it looks very much to me that she's messing both Angelo and Aden around. It's not terribly fair.

But anyway, on Saturday, Ruby and I headed out into the city to see Dad and Morag. He's having proper nursing care and that's really good. And they're very settled in Morag's apartment. He had a few moments but generally he was pretty lucid. It was nice. I always worry that one day he's going to blurt out the truth about Ruby. In a way, I guess that's why I'm a little relieved that he's living away now. There's less chance of that if Ruby isn't seeing him all the time. There's always Morag of course but I'll worry about that if the time comes.

Today has been a lazy day. I'm happily on the beach enjoying the sun and I will be meeting Roman for a late lunch in an hour or so. And then it's back to the grindstone tomorrow morning.

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Angelo is assaulted, Nicole's mother comes to visit and Belle has an accident…<em>


	21. Chapter 21

**Chapter Twenty One**

**Monday 20****th**** October**

**16:20**

**Home**

I've had a pretty good day, although it's far from over. I'm on a night shift with Angelo and I won't be free until eight o'clock tomorrow morning. I slept in late in preparation and then went to the gym for a work out and a jog along the beach. I'm going to have dinner with Roman at the Diner when he's on his break and then I'll start my shift. I hope it's an easy one, although I doubt it will be. Night shifts never are!

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 21<strong>**st**** October**

**14:11**

**Home**

What a night! My shift started off well enough but then we ended up embroiled with hassle with some kids out to cause trouble. That took up most of the night. It was all very tedious and I doubt it's the last we'll see of them. They were vandalising property, starting fights... We got called out to three separate incidents. The first time, we gave them a warning and let them go. The second time, they escaped. And the third time we brought them in and kept them in the cells for the night. Little shits.

I came home and crashed out for several hours and I've just been pottering for the afternoon. Night shifts always send me out of whack and I'm switching hours again soon so I won't even have any time to get used to them.

Ruby is coming home specifically to have dinner with me, which is nice. Another drawback to night shifts are that we don't keep the same hours. It'll be good to catch up with her before my shift starts tonight. Hang on, the phone's ringing.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 22<strong>**nd**** October**

**01:49**

I'm on a break so I thought I'd catch up with myself. The phone call was from Jack. Angelo was assaulted this afternoon. He was smacked over the back of the head. I went to the hospital between dinner with Ruby and my shift starting. He's pretty knocked up and I feel ever so sorry for him. Jack started the investigation and I've continued it.

Angelo said he was concerned over it being something to do with that damn development site but it looks like it was those kids from last night. I'll keep working on it though. It always feels that much more serious when it's one of our own that gets hurt. Angelo seemed pretty down, although he was grateful for the grapes and the girlie magazine I bought him.

I hung out with him for a bit. He seems pretty down and not just because of the assault. By the sounds of it, things don't seem to be going so well with Belle right now. He was talking about it a bit last night but he told me more at the hospital. He says that all she seems to care about at the moment is the development site and trying to get proof that there are toxins in the soil. He said something about arsenic in the soil and it causing cancer or something.

I don't know what to think. But it looks like she's been formulating her own investigation and it also looks like she's got Aden on board. He says he's sure there isn't anything going on and that Belle's not like that, but he wonders if they still have feelings for each other. He definitely doesn't like Belle and Aden hanging around together. Apparently Angelo went to see Belle straight after the shift but she wasn't really interested in spending time with him or letting him sleep at hers and then waking up with her later in the day.

I feel sorry for the guy. Aden and Belle are so obviously still in love with each other. It wouldn't surprise me if there actually was something going on between them, which is sad because Angelo is the one that's going to get hurt. Apparently, the developers threatened Belle and Angelo but Belle didn't tell Angelo what they said so she's feeling guilty. But I think she feels guilty about more than that.

I didn't say anything though. Angelo needs to make his own mistakes. He blatantly knows that Belle is still in love with Aden. He just needs to man up and break it off with her in order to retain some dignity. I found out from Fitzy that Angelo had put in a report about the development site but she's turned it down on the basis of a lack of evidence.

Anyway, in other news, according to Ruby, Roman and Leah, things aren't going so well between Miles and Kirsty. It looks like she's actually moved out. There was something about her borrowing money or working as an escort or... something. I don't know the full story but Ruby said that Jai was pretty stressed out about the whole thing. Roman said that he snapped at Colleen for being a gossip. I wouldn't have minded hearing that! She's a sweet woman but she does like to know and share everybody's business!

I don't know Kirsty so well but I feel pretty bad for Miles. It's all to do with her ex-husband or something, the guy who's in jail. It sounds pretty complicated but I hope Miles isn't hurting too much. He's a good guy. He deserves nice things, not nasty things to happen to him. Someone said he lost his family in the tsunami a few years back. Geez, I criticise Colleen and here I am, telling everybody's business. But then, this is only a diary so perhaps it doesn't count.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 22<strong>**nd**** October**

**12:30**

**The Beach**

Hooray! I have a whole day off and no night shift. I'm back on days tomorrow so I'm making the most of things until now. I crashed after my night shift and now I'm sitting on the beautiful golden sand and listening to the waves.

I have a nice, romantic afternoon and evening planned with Roman, which involves much food and drink. I am very much looking forward to it! Apparently Nicole is out visiting her mother in the city with Geoff and with any luck, Aden will be out tonight too so Roman and I will get the house to ourselves. We haven't spent proper time together for a good few days so it'll be nice to reconnect. He really is sweet.

I do wish he'd come to me sometimes though instead of me always going over to his. He says that it's because he's a father but I don't like leaving Ruby either. But saying that I'm a sister doesn't have quite the same impact, does it? Oh, if only he knew. No, scrap that. I don't want anyone to know.

I called Angelo when I woke up and he was home from the hospital and lapping up all the attention that's being showered on him. He particularly thanked me for the magazine! I admit it was pretty entertaining going to get that from the paper shop. I got some pretty funny looks.

Anyway, I'm going to head to the Diner to start my lovely day with Roman...

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 23<strong>**rd**** October**

**17:19**

**Home**

Well, my romantic night didn't quite go to plan. I ate my weight in food in the afternoon! I owe myself a few extra workouts at the gym, I think!

After lunch, Roman and I went to the movies and then back to his for dinner, although between lunch and cinema snacks, I couldn't eat anything. We opened a bottle of wine and I managed to wangle a foot massage! We were getting a little snugly when Nicole and Geoff burst in and totally ruined the moment. Nicole hurried upstairs and Geoff said he didn't know what had happened except that Nicole and her mother had had some kind of row. Then he left.

Roman spent some time trying to get Nic to talk but she wasn't interested. I offered to leave but he told me to stay, although the mood was more than definitely ruined. As usual, we spent the evening discussing the situation and he fretted over Nicole. He phoned Natalie (her mother) who said that Nicole was just overreacting and being oversensitive. It seems like all we do at the moment is get stressed about things. If Roman's not worrying about Nicole, I'm fretting about Dad or Ruby. It's been a long time since we've just relaxed together.

We had sex but it was pretty substandard really. The earth doesn't really move with us. I feel like I'm always waiting for that amazing moment and it doesn't quite come, no pun intended. It seems like one or both of us don't really have our heart in it at the same time. But perhaps when things calm down again, we'll get there.

This morning, Roman and I had breakfast together and discussed the Nicole and Natalie situation. When Nicole appeared, I headed up to the shower to give them some space to talk. Nicole and I do get along a lot better now but some things don't need a third party, do they? It's a father-daughter thing.

I headed off to work and saw Roman briefly on my break. Apparently this Natalie chick told Nicole that she believed what happened before when Nicole said Roy (her husband) had hit on her and that she had left him and wanted to rebuild their relationship. But it turns out that this guy left her and Natalie was using Nicole to keep the house. She sounds like a bitch. How could you use your daughter in that way? I know I've done Ruby wrong in a lot of ways but I would never mistreat her the way poor Nicole has been mistreated. Roman's taste has officially improved! I can't imagine him being with someone as vile as this woman sounds. Not that I'm particularly awesome or anything but I hope I'm better than that.

Speaking of Roman's taste in women, I bumped into Martha. She's looking pretty good in her bandanas and stuff. I can barely get my head around what she's going through. She's so incredibly strong. We chatted about the chemotherapy and stuff. She's got one final round and then that should be it. Fingers crossed. And I made a point of thanking her for helping Roman choose my bracelet. I've worn it almost every day. Not when I'm on shift though. I wouldn't want to damage it.

I suggested to Roman that we make a special dinner for Nicole to cheer her up. She's been so stressed about the whole Natalie thing and we want to do something nice for her. I cheated a bit though. I said I'd do dessert if Roman did the main. And I promptly bought a dessert from the Diner that he'd made that morning. Cheeky, but I'm pretty sure I can get away with it.

Ruby called to say she'd be back late and I sought permission to spend the night at Roman's. She says I don't have to ask but I feel like I'm abandoning her when I sleep away. She told me I was being silly but I can't help it.

Anyway, she was calling to say she would be back late. Of course I wanted to know why. Apparently she and Annie are trying to convince Melody to develop some kind of interest in someone beside Geoff. By the sounds of it, she's pretty besotted with him. And if my observations are anything to go by, Geoff and Nicole are still into each other. Roman's pretty pleased with it. He wants Nicole to have a nice boyfriend rather than the guys she goes for normally, i.e. Elliot. I still shudder when I think about him and what he put Nicole and Roman through.

Well, I'm going to start getting ready and pack up for the night. I'll be back tomorrow.

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 24<strong>**th**** October**

**15:38**

**The Beach**

I don't know why I'm surprised that dinner didn't go to plan. Nothing with Roman seems to go to plan. We really should be used to it by now!

Roman and I were getting things ready when Nicole and her new boyfriend, none other than Geoff Campbell arrived. We invited him to stay and he came and helped me begin to serve up while Nicole and Roman checked in with each other. And it was all going well until Natalie showed up at the front door! Nicole was horrified to see her. I felt really sorry for the poor kid. They argued for a bit and then Nicole stormed out. Geoff went after her and it was pretty late by the time he brought her back home.

In the meantime, Natalie had managed to wangle an invite to stay the night in Morag's room. I can't say I was terribly impressed with the decision but what could I say? It's not my house. But she was pretty obnoxious and I was glad when we all called it a night, although dinner was pretty much ruined and neither Roman nor I were in the mood for anything but sleep. I hope this Natalie woman doesn't stay too long. She doesn't sound like particularly good news.

Breakfast was pretty awkward this morning and I was pretty eager to escape. I almost went into work to keep myself busy but I resisted and did housework instead. I went to the Diner at lunch time and had a coffee and a brief chat with Roman. Natalie showed up, of course. One thing I will say is that Roman definitely knows how to handle her so hopefully she won't cause too much trouble while she's in town. She also doesn't seem particularly interested in Roman, which is good. I'm trying not to feel threatened. It took long enough to get to the stage with Roman where we're happy together. I still think he holds a torch for Martha but I don't think he'd do anything about it.

Anyway, I've been on the beach for a little while now. I saw Angelo for a bit. He was out for a walk and psyching himself up to go back to work this evening. He doesn't like to admit it but I think that attack on him shook him up a bit. And he seems pretty bewildered over what to do about Belle. I don't see why he's dragging it out. It's very obvious that there's still a huge spark between her and Aden. How can he deal with being second best? Still, it's not my problem, I guess.

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 25<strong>**th**** October**

**21:15**

**Home**

Belle had a car crash and ended up in hospital last night. Angelo is beside himself, not to mention Irene. And Aden was looking pretty frantic when I saw him. I'm not at work again until tomorrow so I'm staying out of it for now. But she's pretty banged up, poor thing. Whether she's cheating on Angelo or not, nobody deserves that. I hope she's okay.

I spent another night at Roman's last night. We keep trying to have nice evenings together and so far, it's not really worked out. I mean, nothing has been unpleasant. It's just been a little different and more stressful than planned. And nothing has followed the ideas we set out.

Tonight was no different. Natalie was all set to leave and I was all set to jump for joy but then Nicole came home having decided to give her mother a week to prove her worth. It's good for Nicole, I guess. Well, maybe. If Natalie is worth something. But it means putting up with her for longer.

I'd had dinner with Natalie earlier while I was waiting for Roman to come home. She was extremely patronising. I was very irritated. She wanted to know how long Roman and I had been together and when I told her, she insisted it couldn't be serious. I was offended. I guess it's not that serious really but I like to think it has the potential to be. I mean, I don't want to move in or get married or anything horrific like that. If he suggested it, I would be running for the hills! But I hope it might become something long term. I think we could be comfortable together. I'm not sure if I'll fall in love with him but I like him a lot and that's good enough for me. It's good enough for now, isn't it? I'm not sure I'm a 'hopelessly, desperately in love' kind of girl. I can't imagine feeling that way about anyone.

Roman and I escaped to his room pretty early. We chatted and finished a bottle of wine together. He's going into a deal with Alf's new girlfriend, Bridget whereby she's doing some advertising for the Diner. We made love... okay, that's probably romanticising things. We had sex. It was nice. It felt like it was missing a little less than it usually does. That's good, right? We're making progress. Getting closer. He really is a nice guy.

I took Ruby out to Yabbie Creek for lunch and shopping today. She's been trying to befriend Melody, who, now that Geoff and Nicole are back together, is pretty devastated. Ruby isn't convinced that this is the end of it though. She said when she saw her last night, Melody seemed pretty set on winning Geoff back. I know she's been through a lot. I _really_ know that. But I hope she doesn't try to split Geoff and Nicole up. Nicole is so feisty and it's taken a lot for us to be able to tolerate each other.

But Geoff is definitely a good influence. He's a nice boy. He's the kind of boy I guess I'd like Ruby to end up with. Not that I like the idea of her being romantic with boys. I couldn't bear her being with that Pat guy, although I know he was actually quite sweet. But I know what boys are like and I don't want her getting hurt. Still, it's something I'm going to have to face one day. She's beautiful and sweet and popular. It won't be long until someone starts paying her some attention. I just hope that it's someone nice, like Geoff.

But as for Geoff himself, I like him and Nicole together. He's calm to her wild. It's a good, if strange match. But it does mean that Melody is broken hearted. I don't even know the girl but I feel a lot of compassion for her. It's so hard to pick your life back up post-rape. It's damn near impossible.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 26<strong>**th**** October**

**23:49**

**Home**

Well, I pretty much hit the ground running when I got to work today. I was part of the team investigating Belle's accident. She doesn't remember much but she thinks she was run off the road. However, there is no evidence of another car being involved. The only other one that we noted was the guy who stopped and helped her.

Angelo is absolutely frantic. He's pretty pissed that Aden is 'hanging around like a bad smell' – his words, not mine. He's spent most of the day trying to hunt down some documents she had about the development site. I don't know the details exactly, except that the documents are gone and that she had been investigating some kind of link between the soil and people getting sick. I think I'd rather not know, to be honest.

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Charlie has to deal with Nicole and Natalie committing a driving offence, Leah falls out with Miles and Angelo discovers Belle's infidelity…<em>


	22. Chapter 22

_An extra long chapter for you today. Our Charlie has had ever such a busy week! Love, IJKS xxx_

**Chapter Twenty Two**

**Monday 27****th**** October**

**16:04**

**The Beach**

I'm on a night shift tonight so I had a lie in this morning and I am trying to have a chill out day. I went for a run in the morning. That is one thing I truly love about living here. Tearing across the sand, feeling it beneath my feet, the sun on my face, the wind in my hair, the sound of the ocean. It's a great way to start the day. I then had a leisurely lunch at the Diner and managed to abduct Roman for a while.

Tonight, I've got to stake out the crash site with Angelo. Normally, I find him pretty entertaining – not that I'd admit it to his face – but ever since what happened with Belle, he's been pretty stressed. Well, he's been stressed since before the car crash. I think he knows that his relationship is going swiftly down the pan but he can't quite admit it to himself. But, you never know, the accident might have shaken Belle up enough for her to stop stringing him along. She might actually choose to be with or without him. I hope something happens soon anyway. It's hard to watch my friend struggling like that. And he is a friend. He's come to mean a lot to me. In an annoying kind of way.

Nicole's mother, Natalie is still hanging around and trying to build bridges between her and her daughter. I want the best for Nicole but I can't help but think her mother isn't it. And I'm going to be totally honest. I don't like her hanging around. She's beautiful and has a deep connection with Roman. He's letting her stay in his house. I don't like it.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 28<strong>**th**** October**

**10:32**

**Home**

Well, last night's shift was pretty eventful. Angelo and I were parked up near where Belle had her accident. He obviously had a lot on his mind. He asked if I had ever dated someone who was only interested in my uniform. Of course, this led onto a discussion about wearing the uniform in bed. Of course I would never do such a thing... okay, I totally have. A few exes have been into that kind of thing and Roman made a request a few months ago. I guess it's pretty fun. But I digress.

What Angelo really meant was, have I ever been with someone who was dating me because of what I could do for them as a cop. I haven't. I don't think I let people get close enough to have that kind of relationship. Aside from a few bedroom dalliances, my work and any relationship have a big line drawn between them. I'm very aware that Angelo is besotted with Belle and he has already broken the rules for her. I'm also very aware that he was talking about her last night. Maybe he's wising up to what her game is. I don't know.

We got distracted anyway. A car drove past, we flagged them down, and who did it turn out to be? None other than Nicole and Natalie. Natalie was off her face with alcohol and Nicole was driving. She doesn't have a licence. And now I am totally contradicting myself here but I took her home and let her off. So, I guess relationships do conflict with work sometimes. It was Nicole who would have got into trouble and yes, she shouldn't have been driving but I just couldn't find it in my heart to nail her for it. Natalie was responsible. She was the adult. And she totally let her daughter down.

I deposited them both at home and left Roman to lay down the law while Angelo and I went back to work. Hopefully we didn't miss anything on the roadside. To be honest, I don't really know what we're waiting for. While part of me is suspicious of the accident, part of me thinks that Belle was just tired or distracted. There isn't any evidence to support her claim of being run off the road. She doesn't even remember it.

Anyway, I'm heading out to the gym. Roman's working so I am going to pop in and see how things went last night. Let's just hope that he's kicked Natalie out for good.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 28<strong>**th**** October**

**17:19**

**The Beach**

Well, that's the last damn time I try to help that ungrateful bitch. Okay, breathe, Charlie. _Breathe_. I'm just so annoyed with how things turned out today. I stopped by the Diner to see Roman but rather than throwing Natalie out of his house for leading his daughter astray, what has he done? A big fat nothing, that's what. He's gone so easy on both of them and claims he doesn't want to make things worse by going heavy on Nic. I still think she's getting away with letting them be irresponsible.

I headed to the gym and saw Nicole there. Apparently she was on a free period but she was really rude to me. We argued a bit about what happened and I tried to explain that I was just concerned. Nicole snapped that she already had two parents and she didn't need another one. I hurried to the gym.

Obviously nobody but Dad would ever understand how emotional that kind of comment would make me. Even he wouldn't truly understand. I see Roman being a Dad to Nicole and I just feel sad that I can't be a Mum to Ruby. I wish so much that I could have done things differently. But I guess there's no point thinking about that now. I hate these moments where I get sucked into the misery of my past. It makes me struggle with the present and the future.

Anyway, things got worse when I headed over to Roman's to speak to Natalie. We argued. Of course. Natalie seems to think that she and Nicole are just two girlfriends having fun. I pointed out that she isn't her girlfriend, she's her mother. It would be so easy for me to treat Ruby as a mate. But I have to be a mother in the ways I'm allowed to. I get to be a protective sister. It's not quite enough for me but even if I only get to be her sister, I take that duty very seriously. Mid-argument, Nicole came in. She balled me out for having a go at her mother. They ganged up on me and I left feeling miserable. I was only trying to look out for the ungrateful little... person.

I went home and submerged my sorrows in a little trash TV. Then I hung out with Ruby for a bit. She said that she was surprised I'd let Nicole get away with what happened last night. I guess I'm a little surprised too. And a bit regretful. Then she launched in a big panic about everything that's going on with her friends. Apparently someone told the Principal about what happened and Nicole has lost her school captaincy. I guess that would explain why she is extra pissed but still, that's not my fault. I didn't tell anyone but Roman.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 29<strong>**th**** October**

**01:59**

**Home**

Things seem to be working out. I went for a drink at the Surf Club. Roman came and found me and thanked me for interfering. Apparently things are better between Nicole and Natalie at last. But he did warn me not to make an enemy of Natalie as that will automatically make me an enemy of Nicole. He's right. I guess I need to have a rethink. But I really can't stand that woman! She is vile!

Roman stayed for a drink and it was nice to catch up, although I was too tired to spend the night with him. (She says at two in the morning!) We hung out for a bit and apparently Natalie said I was sexy when I'm angry. I don't like the woman but I shall take that as a compliment. Roman seemed to agree!

Anyway, when I came home, I watched a DVD with Ruby and was about to go to bed when Leah burst through the door looking upset. I asked what had happened and this whole thing with Miles just spilled out of her. Apparently she had a go at Kirsty and then fell out with Irene because of it. Then she went out for dinner with Miles and the truth came out and he criticised her.

It turns out that Leah has feelings for Miles. I did wonder. They're such good friends and spend such a lot of time together. And Leah hasn't done the relationship thing in while. With her romantic history, you can't really blame her. It's so full of tragedy. So I suppose if she's allowing herself to care in that way for someone again, it must be a big deal.

But Miles is too besotted with Kirsty. He can't see the beautiful girl that's right in front of him, waiting for him to notice her. Anyway, they fell out and have decided that they can't see each other so much anymore. Leah is pretty heartbroken. I did my best to comfort her but now I really have to go to sleep.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 29<strong>**th**** October**

**20:11**

**Home**

I worked all day. Jack is in a pretty bad way. He kind of popped in and out. Martha is facing her last round of chemotherapy today and he says she's panicking. A lot. I hope it goes okay. I know the last round will be the worst but after that, perhaps the cancer will go into remission and they will be able to start rebuilding their lives. I hope so.

I was partnered with Angelo most of the day. He was pretty stressed. I don't know what's with me at the moment but I seem to be inciting people to pour their hearts out. Belle is still in hospital but Angelo said that each time he goes to see her, Aden is there or has been there. He says he feels bad for not trusting his girlfriend but he can't help but feel jealous of Aden.

I didn't really know what to say, to be honest. It's not my place to tell him that he needs to dump her and that the chances are, she is having an affair, in her heart if not with her body. But it's not down to me. It's between them and if I've learnt anything from the last couple of days, it's not to interfere.

Leah and Miles are still trying the space thing. It's so hard on her and from my random observations it does look like Miles and Kirsty are getting close again. But it's not my business. I am staying out of this one. I saw Rubes for a bit and now I am heading over to Roman's. He invited me round. I just hope Natalie is out. Have I mentioned that I don't like her?

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 30<strong>**th**** October**

**23:31**

**Home**

I worked again all day and this evening, I took Ruby out for dinner and to a movie. It was nice to spend time with her. She's getting all excited about the Halloween party at the Surf Club. I'm gutted that I'm not going. Ruby was going to go as Juliet but she's decided against it now because she doesn't have a Romeo. She picked up a Pocahontas costume instead. I think she'll look lovely in it. And I'm very glad she doesn't have a Romeo! I am so not ready for her to start dating seriously and stuff yet. She's my baby girl.

We had a really nice time while we were out. She said that Kirsty has started working back at the school again. Miles was pretty spun out to see her there. I asked her if she still had a crush on Miles. She got all cute and embarrassed and told me she wished that had never happened. She said she thought she was just lonely and reacting to everything that had been going on with Dad and everything. And she has been single for a while. I hope she stays single for a while longer! She's fifteen. I'd already given birth to her by the time I was her age and I would rather die than have her grow up that quickly.

Jack is in a bad way at the moment. Watson said that Martha freaked out at the hospital and doesn't want to have her last chemo treatment. It was something about the chemo protecting her from the cancer. I guess she's afraid that when the treatment is done with, the cancer might still be there and she'll have no defences left. I get that. I feel so sad for her.

Angelo started the day in a good mood. He was cheerful and even treated me to a coffee in the morning. He said he was turning over a new leaf and if Belle was having some doubts, he was going to change her mind. His bid to be the perfect boyfriend is very sweet, although I fear he is going to end up with a broken heart.

Part of me feels like Roman could take a leaf out of Angelo's book. He's a lovely guy and I really care about him but... I don't know. I just feel like he doesn't make much of an effort. His world revolves around Nicole (which is understandable) and work (which I also get), but I'm not always sure where I fit in. And Natalie is constantly casting a shadow over everything. I really can't stand her.

Anyway, Angelo returned to work in not such a good mood. It was something about Belle's mood, a lack of enthusiasm about the flowers he bought her and Aden loaning her his iPod. I don't think I fully understand but the constant mention of Aden suggests jealousy. He said he constantly complimented her but she didn't really respond and then he shrieked something along the lines of 'what do you women want'? Oh, Angelo, if only we knew...

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 31<strong>**st**** October**

**15:39**

**The Beach**

I'm working tonight so I've been trying to have a chill out day. I did try and swap my shift as I would have loved to go to the Halloween party. I love stuff like that. It's so much fun. But alas, I'm called to the duty of serving and protecting my community. And a lot seems to happen on Halloween night anyway. I don't know if it's people hyped up on sugar, alcohol or the thrill of the mystery of the evening but more people seem to get into trouble with law on 31st October.

I saw Angelo for a brief moment on the beach. He was stressed. Apparently he 'lost' Belle last night. She sent him a dismissive text and he spent the night trying and failing to find her. Apparently she was at the development site with that Murray guy, trying to get evidence but Angelo seemed pretty paranoid about the whole thing. I know he's concerned that she's messing around behind his back but checking up on her seems a bit extreme. I think he's a great guy but it's a little worrying when he gets these ideas in his head and seems prepared to stop at nothing until he's got an answer.

In a lot of ways, I think he'd make a perfect boyfriend but the idea of him following me around and not trusting me, freaks me out a little. But then, I like to think I wouldn't give him a reason. And part of me wishes that Roman would care that much.

I don't know what I'm trying to say, really. I guess, if I could write down my idea of the perfect person, it would be someone who truly loves me. They would find me attractive but also care about my heart. They would get the right amount of jealous and possessive without being controlling or creepy. They would make me laugh. They would connect with me on every level – spiritually, emotionally, physically, mentally. They would have a lust for life and passions of their own that would be separate from me, but that they would be willing to share with me too. And they would be hot. I don't exactly care what they would look like but I would love them to have a beautiful smile. A smile that could charm me in a heartbeat, a smile that would meet their eyes, a smile that would shine especially when they looked at me. Is that so much to ask? And I can't even remember how I got to writing about this!

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 2<strong>**nd**** November 2008**

**11:29**

**Home**

What a horrific few days! I've been working round the clock and I am totally exhausted. I feel like I need a holiday! Maybe over the Christmas holidays, I could take Ruby away somewhere. That might be nice. But Dad might be upset. We're running out of Christmases with him. But if we weren't away for Christmas Day, we could make something work.

Anyway, things have come to a head about the development site. Word has got out so we're holding a meeting with the locals in an hour to try and allay the fears that are shooting around. Last night, Belle went with that Murray guy to stake out the development site. They heard noises and went to investigate, thus witnessing the developers taking the toxic waste away and dumping it from their soil. But they got caught and Belle lost her camera. She nearly lost her life!

Angelo arrived to rescue her though and brought her back to the station to make a statement. It looked like Murray had indeed been paid off, as was first thought and now he is missing. He had the camera. It showed up broken and useless yesterday, thanks to the manager of the development site, Tim.

With further investigation though, I'm not convinced Murray was paid off. The money did come from a company connected to the developers but they are also connected to the firm he has now started working for. So, I don't really know much more about that until we've managed to track him down and talk to him.

When Angelo and Belle went back to the development site, everything had been cleared up and this Tim guy denied all knowledge of everything. This morning, when Angelo came into work, he looked in a terrible state. He'd clearly been up all night so I sent him home to rest. He reluctantly went and I got on the case to get a search warrant for the development site.

In the meantime though, I made a huge mistake. I went to see Roman and I told him what was going on and about Belle's campaign and the links between the development site and cancer. Unfortunately, Colleen heard and within about thirty seconds, the whole town had been told. She is one powerful gossip. By all accounts, Martha has been a mess ever since. I can't blame her. She is going through hell it could be for more of a reason than random bad luck. It doesn't bear thinking about. Except I have to think about it. We all have to think about it.

Back at work, Jack had heard and started going at the case full force. He looked so broken. Angelo came back and the two of them started arguing about how things have been handled to date. I feel terrible for Jack but I also know that Angelo has done his best. He didn't have the support of Fitzy and I feel a little bad because I'm not sure I have been as much help as I could have been. I guess I didn't want to believe in something so big and awful but I am going to do everything I can to tackle it now. If the land around us is causing cancer then we have to investigate properly. No matter what.

To start with, Jack and I went with our search warrant. We took a look at the site and there was nothing obvious suggesting misconduct, although we will need to go back for soil samples and things. Tim was very confident. He denies anything happened last night and swears he hasn't seen Murray for ages. Jack was pretty aggressive. I know he's broken but he has to be professional. I felt bad having to tell him off, and I went very easy on him, but it was necessary.

Roman said that Martha was in a real mess yesterday. He found her down at the development site, gazing through the fence. He said she felt sad while Jack felt angry. He took her back to Jack to look after her. I hope she's okay. This whole this is scary for everyone but it must be that much worse for Martha and the other people battling such an awful disease.

I spent some time with Ruby last night. It looks like the Halloween party was more than a little eventful. Despite Ruby's misgivings, Melody made a play for Geoff. Things were pretty tense at the party by all accounts. Melody and Nicole showed up the same costumes, which Ruby thinks was on purpose on Melody's part.

There was a momentary power cut and when the lights came back on, Melody was kissing Geoff. Ruby said that he looked as stunned as everybody else. Melody and Nicole had an argument where Melody declared that she and Geoff belong together. She is convinced that Nicole is using Geoff and admitted to telling Mr Bartlett about the run in Nicole had with me the other day and therefore she is the one who lost her the school captaincy.

Then Nicole announced that she loved Geoff and they'd slept together. Geoff was ashamed and embarrassed and Melody stormed off. I always thought that Geoff didn't believe in sex before marriage so it was quite the surprise that he and Nicole had slept together. According to Ruby, it was just the once when they were stranded on the island and that they're not continuing to do so now. I just hope Ruby doesn't decide that sex is a good idea! She's far too young. Nicole and Geoff are older than her. I think they're too young too but that's not my problem.

It looks like Nicole tried to make things up with Melody, which is nice and Nicole and Geoff told each other that they loved each other. That's pretty sweet, although, how can you love so young? I'm nearly thirty and I'm not ready for love yet!

Ruby didn't seem to be able to get her head around Geoff though. He sort of dressed up but not really and said he was anti-Halloween. He was a little stunned when his little sister, who is also meant to be anti-Halloween, skipped in with Jai in a proper costume. And she said that everyone spent the night teasing Alf and trying to guess what he'd come to the party as. It was Johnny Cash apparently.

On a happier note, Leah and Miles are trying to be friends again. She certainly seems a lot happier. I hope it lasts! Well, time is getting on and I have to get to the meeting with the whole of Summer Bay. I hope it goes well. I doubt it.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 2<strong>**nd**** November**

**23:40**

**Home**

The meeting did not go well. We were debating the issue between us. Basically, we were requesting that everyone let us handle things. Jack asked people to direct their concerns to us but Colleen was eager to argue. Rachel was great though and totally backed me up. We don't know anything for sure about the links between the development site and people getting cancer and it would be foolish and unprofessional to state anything either way yet.

I thanked Belle for drawing our attention to the situation and Aden piped up, asking for Belle's protection. That's when Angelo exploded. From what I can gather, Angelo and Belle broke up sometime over this weekend. And it looks like Belle has been dishonest about it and has been seeing Aden behind his back for weeks. People objected. Angelo threw Belle's phone records at them as proof and then stormed out. It was awful. I just feel so bad for the guy. He was so into Belle and she's totally broken his heart.

Belle ran off in tears. I found her crying and talking to Irene and Roman. And they were so damn sympathetic. As if she has anything to cry about! Cheating is absolutely unforgiveable. I'd never forgive myself if I did it. I hope it's something I will never do. And I feel so bad that Angelo has been betrayed like this. I couldn't help giving Belle a piece of my mind. Roman seemed appalled but Angelo is my friend and Belle has been hurting him and stringing him along all this time. I have no sympathy.

I looked for Angelo for a while but I couldn't find him. I guess he was propping up the bar somewhere anonymous. I tried calling but his phone was switched off so I went back to Roman's for a bit. I stormed out pretty quickly though.

Natalie invited me to dinner but I wanted to keep looking for Angelo to make sure he was alright. Nicole was unashamedly on Belle and Aden's side and it turns out that she and Roman knew all along! I mean, can you believe that? How could I be dating a guy who would condone an affair? I know he's close to Aden but to let poor Angelo walk around town looking like a fool when all the time, he was falling for someone who had no interest in him, is just wrong. It's not fair. I'm really disappointed in Roman. I didn't expect anything better of Nicole. I left sharpish and searched around for Angelo some more but I couldn't find him so I gave up and came home at around nine thirty.

Ruby approached me this evening, once I'd got back from trying to find Angelo. I was getting ready for a well earned rest when she knocked on my bedroom door, perched on the end of the bed, looking like she had a lot on her mind. She did.

With everything that had been going on with Melody, Geoff and Nicole, sex had been quite the issue. Annie had told her on Friday that she felt anxious with Jai. He kisses her all the time and she's afraid that he wants more from her than she's willing to give. Apparently, Annie was really upset that Geoff had broken his celibacy vow and had sex with Nicole. But after the party, Jai had assured her that he liked kissing her and didn't feel ready for anything more than that. She confirmed that she didn't believe in sex before marriage and apparently everything is okay.

But it sent Ruby into a bit of a spin. She wanted me to tell her about my first time. I avoided it. I don't want to lie. But my first time was the single worst experience of my life. I was raped and I got pregnant with the girl I claim to be my sister. I just said it happened before I was ready. That led her to ask me how a girl knows she's ready. So we ended up having the conversation about falling in love and how special it is, how I've never actually experienced it but that I have high hopes for her finding love. When she is ready. And more mature. And older! But I feel reassured that she's not going to rush into anything. She admitted that she nearly rushed into it with Pat, which sent my heart into my throat, but she didn't and that's a good thing.

* * *

><p><em>Next time... Angelo loses his temper, Charlie and Roman end their relationship and Leah falls out with Kirsty…<em>


	23. Chapter 23

_Another ten points are up for grabs if you can spot Joey again! Love, IJKS xxx_

**Chapter Twenty Three**

**Monday 3****rd**** November**

**23:43**

**Home**

Okay, I am officially in a bad mood. I caught up with Angelo today. He was pretty hungover and not in a good space. He kept trying to work and I kept sending him home. In the end, I took him to lunch in town, away from the prying eyes in Summer Bay and we had a long talk. I just feel so sorry for the guy. He's a nice man and he's been treated so badly by Belle. I know you can't help who you fall for and if she's in love with Aden, good luck to them. But there was no need to use and abuse someone else in the process.

Basically, from what Angelo said, on Friday, he rescued Belle from the altercation at the development site. He took her home and offered to stay and look after her, even though he was on duty. (I opted not to reprimand him for this and let him continue the story). She turned him down and he left, only to find her heading out to the Diner where she took comfort from Aden.

And okay, the following thing is creepy. I wasn't backwards in coming forwards in telling him so, but I guess if he hadn't done that, he'd still be being treated like a fool. He said he followed them back to Belle's place and waited around until the early hours. Aden never left.

Again, it's unnerving that Angelo is capable of following people around when it's not to do with work, but I have to cut him some slack. She was his girlfriend and she was sleeping with another guy behind his back. I suppose in that situation, you do what you have to. It would be different if she'd been upfront about things and broken up with him already – you know, done the decent thing – but she was stringing him along and hurting him. That's not fair.

Anyway, on Saturday, Angelo went round to see Belle and she broke up with him. He didn't let on that he knew about Aden. Then, it appears that once he got to work, he called up Belle's phone records and discovered that Belle has been calling Aden constantly for weeks, thus confirming an affair.

I find it a little unnerving just how cool Angelo can play things. He wouldn't let Belle in on anything he knew. He was playing her. Part of me understands. I totally get that he was trying to protect himself. But it's still a little worrying. And getting Belle's phone records was completely out of line. You do not use your position as a police officer for your own personal gain. That is against the rules. It's against the law.

I was forced to tell him so but I didn't go so hard on him as I might have done in a different situation. Angelo is really cut up over everything and technically I was listening to him as a friend, not as his senior. But I couldn't let it go completely.

Then he went over to Aden's to speak to him but only Roman was home. (This is largely why I am so angry). Angelo made out that Belle had told him the whole truth and Roman, who knew all along, unwittingly filled him in on the rest of the details. Apparently Roman said he hadn't condoned what was happening, but that doesn't make it right, does it? I just can't believe he knew what was going on. Does that mean he doesn't think cheating is a big deal? Does that mean he's capable of cheating? I mean, I still have my suspicions about him and Martha. I certainly don't think anything is going on but I also don't think all of Roman's feelings for her have gone.

If, in the unlikely situation, Martha gave him the go ahead, what would he do? Would he cheat on me with her? Would he cheat on me with someone else? It took him long enough to get to grips with the idea of an exclusive relationship with me. To be fair, it's taken me time to get used to it as well but that's not the point. I have a problem with long term commitment, of sharing myself, my heart and my life with someone so completely. I do not have a problem with monogamy. What if Roman does and I just don't know about it?

Anyway, I think I am probably overreacting. This isn't about me and Roman. It's about Belle and Angelo. And Aden, apparently. When Belle came to identify her broken camera, it turns out she and Angelo exchanged words outside. He accused her of cheating and told her that he'd seen her the night before with Aden. She told him that she couldn't sleep and it wasn't planned. He lost his rag and demanded to know if she slept with him. She admitted that she did but insisted that Aden wasn't the reason they broke up and that it just happened the once. She apologised for hurting him but I guess it's been too late for that for a long time.

So, we had the disastrous meeting and after Angelo made his announcement, he stormed out. Aden followed him and according to Angelo, they had a bit of a row on the beach. It got a bit headed and Angelo ended up shoving Aden. He told me that he wasn't a good loser and he has no idea how to handle this now. I really do feel sorry for him. I hope he is okay and doesn't do too many stupid things. Belle and Aden are very loved in this town. I think it'll take more than this to get the majority of people to take Angelo's side. Roman and Nicole are certainly Aden and Belle's bestest buddies. It's not fair.

After my shift, having heard Angelo's tale of woe, it was all still on my mind. I kind of rowed with Roman and he accused me of accusing him of cheating. Which I guess I kind of was. I know it's not his fault but I can't help but feel a little paranoid.

On the one hand, I really like him. He's handsome and smart, he has a good job, good family values. He makes me laugh and he does a damn good foot massage! But I guess there's a part of me that knows it's not the great love affair I used to dream of back when I was a little girl and life wasn't quite so complicated. I'm not in love with him and he doesn't love me. We're not there yet. I like to think we might be one day but who knows? I just hope I don't start trying to overcompensate for the things I feel I'm lacking. I tend to either run or smother when I'm panicking and I really hope I don't do either. Whatever this is that Roman and I have, I don't want it to end yet. It's not long term but for now, it's nice. In which case, I probably ought to apologise for snapping at him. Belle and Aden's infidelity isn't his fault. It's theirs.

Jack is also feeling a little down. Martha has decided that what with everything that has happened, she needs to get away for a bit, clear her head, find herself. I think it's a good idea, although I know Jack is going to miss her terribly. Hopefully she will come back refreshed and healed from everything she has been through over the last few months.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 4<strong>**th**** November**

**23:59**

**Home**

Roman and I split up. Obviously I was paying so much attention to Angelo's problems that I didn't see my own relationship falling apart. I hate myself for messing this up. Roman was a nice guy... well, okay, right now, I think he's a bastard, but generally, he's a nice man. I really thought we could have had something special.

But apparently he's never liked me. Well, what the fuck has he been doing with me all this time? Why has he been messing me around? I might not be in love with him but I've been pretty damn close and he knows that! He knows how much I care for him and how much I wanted things to work out. Why has he been stringing me along all this time if he doesn't fucking care? Who would do that? Well, I guess someone who thinks Belle Fucking Taylor hasn't done anything wrong, would! I hate him. And I hate myself. I hate myself the most.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 5<strong>**th**** November**

**13:01**

**Home**

I haven't been this miserable in quite some time. I feel... I don't even know how I feel. Sad. Lost. Rejected. Ugly. Worthless. And a million more things besides.

I guess it all started because of this Belle, Angelo and Aden thing. On Tuesday, I decided to go over to Roman's and apologise for kicking off at him and basically accusing him of having the same morals Belle does.

What I didn't realise was that Nicole and Natalie had cooked dinner for him, Belle and Aden. I made my excuses and started to leave, even though Natalie was nice enough to invite me to join them. But then I made my mistake. I just couldn't keep my big mouth shut, could I? I never could. I just _had_ to make a comment about how Angelo wasn't lucky enough to be having a nice, happy evening with people he loved. Aden was annoyed, Belle was upset, they left, Nicole was irritated and Roman told me off. We argued and I left.

I went out to the Surf Club and nursed a glass of wine. Natalie came by and told me that Roman had told her to leave in the morning. I was surprised. I had a horrible feeling that she would be a permanent fixture. It's no secret that she and I haven't exactly been close, although I have warmed to her in the last couple of days. I feel like an idiot for what I said to her that night though. I went on and on about how lovely I thought Roman was and how I thought we had something special between us. Natalie said that I shouldn't change who I am in order to avoid arguments with Roman and make him happy. I said he was worth it. How sickening is that? Worth it? I don't think so. Bastard.

It was after my chat with Natalie that I went round to apologise to Roman and make things up with him. It didn't quite go to plan. I wonder if Natalie knew how it was going to go. She tried to dissuade me from going over but as usual, I thought I knew best.

I went round and apologised, promising to change how outspoken I am. He said that I shouldn't have to change and that I'm fine the way I am. Then he broke up with me. I felt like I'd been punched in the stomach. It physically hurt. It still does.

I thought it was about Belle and Aden or maybe Natalie but he said that he didn't think we had been working for a while. He apologised for not warning me but he felt like it had been on the cards for some time. Where the hell have _I_ been? I thought we were happy. I thought we were working out. I didn't think we'd last forever or go skipping off into the sunset together or anything but I wasn't prepared for us to split now. Not so soon. I tried to convince him to change his mind and work on things but he was pretty adamant. It still hurts so much.

I sat in the car, crying for ages and then I headed to the gym. It was a bit of a random time to go and work out but I really needed to punch the shit out of that punch bag. I knew I had to do something physical to work out my hurt and my frustration or else I'd just end up drinking myself into oblivion.

Ruby stumbled across me and I bitterly blurted out the whole thing to her. She coerced me into going home. We ate ice cream and talked till late. I was so fraught but she was so calming and gentle with me. She was so beautiful. She is a girl to be proud of. I am so proud of her. But she'll always represent yet another fuck up. I've messed my whole damn life up since the day I was born. Sometimes I wish I didn't exist.

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 6<strong>**th**** November**

**16:04**

**Home**

I cut off a little abruptly yesterday. I got a bit overwrought with tears. I just feel so horrible. I feel embarrassed more than anything else really. Has Roman ever wanted me? Was I good for the odd lay and that was it? Did he care about me? Has he been trying to end it for ages and I hadn't even noticed? Have other people noticed? Has the whole damn town been laughing at me all this time? No, Charlie, don't start this again. Don't mess yourself up so badly. He's not worth it. You didn't love him either. You just wanted to.

Okay, so yesterday morning, I was up and out early, feeling like shit. I caught sight of Roman and Natalie hugging. When she was alone and in her car, I charged over and pretty much accused her of stealing Roman away from me. She told me she was leaving town and there was nothing going on. I believe her. I think if Roman had been after anyone else, it would be Martha. He loves her. I know he does. I've always known it. I've just always lived on the philosophy of 'if you don't say it out loud, it's not real'. Natalie said that Roman had done me a favour and that I deserved better than someone who didn't really love me. She said I was young and beautiful and deserved better.

I floated through the day feeling miserable and avoiding Roman at all costs. I wound up in the Surf Club and got absolutely pissed out of my head. I think I saw some girl checking me out, which is weird because I was a mess. But if she was, I'll take it as a compliment. She was pretty.

But I got more and more wasted and lost the plot. I spilt drinks everywhere, including over some poor guy in a garish shirt. Then Ruby found me and dragged me home. Thank goodness she doesn't know I'm her mother. It's one thing to clean up the mess your older sister creates wherever she goes, but your mother? Nobody should have to do that. She shouldn't have to do any of this. The poor thing is so much better off without me.

You know, I didn't think, back when I was fourteen, that I could have hated myself more but it feels like, with every experience I have, piled on top of that evil, heartbreaking day, I can. I hate myself so much for who I am and what I've become. Grant Bledcoe destroyed me that day and I have never been the same since. He stole something from me that I can never regain. I'm fractured, I'm broken. And I don't see the day when I will ever be whole. I will always be a mess and a failure. I'll never be good enough. No wonder Roman doesn't love me. How could he? How could anyone?

I'd love to be loved, you know. I'd love to be adored for just being who I am. But that'll never happen. I know it won't. I'm going to be alone forever and I'll always deserve it. If I'd have just been strong enough to escape that day. If I'd have just been able to stop him. Maybe if that awful day had never happened, I wouldn't think that the rest of my miserable life was a punishment.

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 6<strong>**th**** November**

**20:19**

**Home**

It's been a slow day. I've mostly hidden out at home, hungover and grateful that I didn't have to work. I know I will have to face everything again one day but that day is not now.

Ruby has been an angel. She arrived back from school with takeaway, including the necessary ice cream and a DVD. We chilled out, ate and watched the movie together. Romantic comedies are a wonderful tonic. It was nice that she cared. And she eagerly distracted me with news of what has been going on in her world while mine has been falling apart.

Apparently that poor Melody girl nearly slept with Matthew, the boy that was after Rubes for a while. Miles threw him out before he could do anything though, which is good. Then apparently today, Matthew and Geoff got into a scrap, although half the reason Melody is acting out like this is because of him dating Nicole.

I get it. She's broken. When that Axel boy raped her, he broke her. It's an experience that's so hard to ever recover from. It's fifteen years later for me and I'm not there yet. I've never been able to deal properly with it. And the only other person in the world who knows is losing his mind, slowly, day by day. One day, Dad won't even recognise me and I really will be all my own.

Okay, I'm going to bed before I depress myself again.

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 7<strong>**th**** November**

**18:11**

**The Beach**

I went back to work today. It was hard facing the world again but it's better that I just get on with things. I can't let my life stop just because of Roman. We were only together a few months anyway. And while I might have glided through the relationship with rose tinted glasses, I feel like I am starting to see things more clearly now.

I am doing my best not to get too bitter about things, because that won't help either. Without being positive or negative, I am trying to be neutral. I really cared about Roman and I think we could have had something special. Or at least, I wished we could have had something special. But I threw myself at him at the start, yet again seeking sex instead of something real and loving. He never loved me. He would never have loved me. And I know that. I knew it then. And I should have had more self respect than to have been so desperate to be with him. It wasn't as if I was hearing wedding bells (shudder!) or planning a future. I just liked him and wanted to be with him, at least for now. But I guess he never felt the same.

Angelo and I were on our break when we saw Roman, Miles, Tony and Jack heading out on the Blaxland for the day. That's Alf's boat. It's only just got back from a month's charter or something. I don't really understand these things. I'm a land girl! I've been out on a boat a few times but it's not something I'd get over excited about. And fishing really isn't my deal either. I went a few times with Dad when I was little in a desperate bid to make him notice me but my impressions were just that it was smelly and boring. But, whatever floats their boat, I guess. No pun intended.

Roman looked particularly pleased with himself, like he didn't have a care in the world. Goes to show how much I meant to him, I guess. And that is fuck all.

Why can't I stop obsessing about this? I'm even boring myself. I'm going to ring Rubes and see if she wants to go to the movies or something tonight. At least my beautiful girl is someone I can count on. I just wish she could count on me. I can't even count on myself. Charlie! Stop moaning!

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 8<strong>**th**** November**

**11:10**

**The Beach**

Ruby and I hung out talking for most of the evening. The standard break up drill is hiding my self help books, which she's already done, then shopping and then a romantic comedy at the movies.

She keeps trying to entice me out shopping but I don't want to go. I'm too depressed. I know I didn't love Roman but I really think I could have. And soon. I really thought he was special and we had a good thing going but it was all a lie.

Ruby was a real sweetheart tonight though. I only realised this morning that she'd actually cancelled plans with Annie in order to hang out with poor, old me. It was really nice of her.

When we got back, Leah was moping a little. It turns out that she's had a disagreement with Kirsty. She got the wrong end of the stick about Kirsty and Miles getting back together, mentioned something to Jai and then got balled out by Kirsty for interfering. I feel bad for her. I think she and Miles would make a lovely couple. I'm biased of course. I live with Leah and she's a good friend. I don't really know Kirsty all that well.

Anyway, Leah went round and apologised to Kirsty yesterday morning and invited her to lunch with her and Rachel. She invited me too but I was working. In the end, Bridget invited herself and it seems like they all had a nice time, aside from one spilling incident.

I hope I can just fill this diary with other people's dramas. Then perhaps I won't keep coming back to focussing on my own pain.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 9<strong>**th**** November**

**21:49**

**Home**

I had a pretty busy day. I worked most of today and I'm on a long stretch of days, partnering Jack for this week. Angelo's on nights. He looks about as miserable as I feel at the moment. But I am trying my best to pull myself out of the mess I'm in.

I've worked pretty hard to avoid Roman. I haven't seen him since the Tuesday that he broke up with me. It's not been that easy avoiding the Diner. I didn't realise until now just how much I go there. But then, when your boyfriend is the chef, I guess it's the place you go a lot. Perhaps now that he's my ex-boyfriend I won't be around so much. Although, the food is damn good.

I'm trying to reason myself out of my heartbreak, although it's proving easier said than done. I guess I'm trying to work out exactly how I feel and why I'm so upset. Is it Roman? Or is it that I feel rejected generally? And rejected by someone that I wasn't besotted with. I guess it's like... if I wasn't that into him and he dumped me anyway, how lame does that make me? I couldn't even keep someone I had lukewarm feelings about. I don't know if that makes any sense. Like I said, I'm trying to work it all out in my head. If I ever succeed, I will let you know.

* * *

><p><em>Next time... Charlie struggles in the wake of her breakup with Roman, Angelo is arrested for assault and Tony and Rachel announce that they are expecting a baby…<em>


	24. Chapter 24

_Well done to those that spotted Joey in the last chapter. She'll make a number of cameos before she and Charlie fall in love but for now, Charlie's world revolves around Ruby, Roman and Angelo! I hope you enjoy it. Love, IJKS xxx_

**Chapter Twenty Four**

**Tuesday 11****th**** November**

**00:22**

**Home**

Well, today was a day from hell. Belle's in hospital, Angelo's been charged with assault and I'm not sure I handled seeing Roman again with quite as much dignity as I'd hoped. But quite frankly, I don't have the energy to even think about any of this now. I'll write tomorrow.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 11<strong>**th**** November**

**19:14**

**The Beach**

It's been another long shift and although I'm grateful for the distraction so I can at least try and stop thinking about Roman, it's all been pretty hard.

It all started nicely enough in the morning. Angelo had been on the night shift and I was working the day. He did the handover with me and we chatted a little before he headed out.

Back at that hour, I thought it was only Jack I had to worry about. Understandably, he's getting obsessed with this development site case. We're still trying to get the photos from Belle's camera but we're hitting a lot of brick walls in this thing. If the development site is doing something wrong, they're doing damn well at covering themselves.

But the day pretty much spiralled from there. Belle came in at lunch time and made an unofficial complaint against Angelo. Apparently he refused to push back Aden's community service for his exams. I mean, that wasn't very nice. He could have cut him some slack if he'd wanted to and it basically would have taken five minutes to rearrange things. But on the other hand, we're not obligated. Aden's had weeks to reschedule and he left it to the last minute. He should have fixed it sooner.

Then in the Diner, Belle challenged Angelo and they had an argument. According to Leah's witness statement, Angelo told Belle that she and Aden would get what's coming to them. Aden's community service task was to wash graffiti off the wall. Angelo, out of uniform, came to watch. Apparently someone threw a wet sponge at him. Angelo jumped to the conclusion that it was Aden and Alf had to calm things down.

I don't know. I found the whole thing kind of hard to believe. I know Angelo has been losing the plot over this whole Belle and Aden thing but really, who am I to judge? I'm not coping so well with losing Roman and he didn't even cheat on me. I don't think. I hope not, anyway.

I gave Belle the chance to make a formal complaint but she declined. I promised to talk to Angelo and I really did have every intention. But unfortunately, everything kicked off before I got the chance.

Jack had been working on the development site case all day. He talked to me about taking Angelo off the case. I do get his point, especially now. He has been pretty volatile ever since the breakup but he has worked so damn hard on the case – and well before any of the rest of us were interested in it. I'd feel bad taking it away from him. It would be like punishing him for getting cheated on. I don't think it's fair. And he hasn't done anything wrong. At least, he hadn't when I pleaded his case. Now, I don't know.

Anyway, Jack gave Belle her camera back but she said the memory card wasn't hers. She uses a different brand. That means that either Tim took the card before he gave the camera back, or Murray still has the card. Either way, someone was trying to put us off the scent.

Rightly or wrongly, it looks like Jack tried to give Angelo some friendly advice. He told him about the unofficial complaint but rather than Angelo deciding to back off, he charged round to Belle's. That's when it all went wrong.

Both Belle and Angelo's stories corroborate to a point. Angelo charged to the house and screamed and shouted at Belle. She said he was extremely threatening. She described him as 'psychotic' and 'out of control'. I know he's hurting but that kind of behaviour is inexcusable. He knows that though and I really don't think he did worse than chucking a chair across the room, getting all up in her face and then punching a wall. And I know that's bad. But what we've now charged Angelo with is much worse.

Sometime between Angelo leaving and Aden arriving back at the house, Belle had been attacked. From their statements, it looks like Aden arrived as Angelo was leaving but when Angelo shoved him out of the way, Aden chased him down to the beach. They argued and Aden pretty much tried to goad Angelo into a fight. Angelo didn't bite and spent the rest of the day hiding out at the beach.

Meanwhile, Aden came back to Belle's and found her unconscious on the floor. Aden and Belle insist that Angelo was to blame but he denies it and Jack and I have been struggling to work it all out since. Apparently down at the beach, Angelo told Aden that he'd told Belle exactly what he thought of her. He's been pretty furious since the whole truth came out. But I still don't think he's capable of attacking a woman, especially someone he cared so much about. That's not the sweet, funny, charming Angelo that I know. We're friends. We're good friends. I don't think he'd do something so terrible.

But I'm a cop and I have to go with the evidence. Even I admit that it's pretty damning. Angelo disappeared and kept ignoring my calls. Jack seems to be very suspicious of him. He said he was pretty riled up when he told him about the complaint and he found some reprimand he has on his file. He broke the nose of a protestor when he was fresh out of the academy. But that was years ago. He was probably just out of his depth. He's not like that now. I'm sure he's not.

When Aden arrived at the station to make his statement, he was yelling about us not having arrested Angelo yet. Then Angelo walked through the door, apparently oblivious. Aden attacked him. It took all of us to prise them apart. Aden and Roman went into an interview room and Jack and I talked more informally to Angelo about what happened. He admitted everything else. I'm sure if he had hit Belle, he would have admitted that too. I mean, smashing up her place and losing control like that, being threatening and nasty – even that's a lot to own up to, isn't it? But he did. I'm horrified that he's capable of that but I still don't think he's capable of worse.

We interviewed Aden. I had to work pretty hard to focus completely. It was the first time I'd seen Roman since the split and that definitely wasn't the easiest thing in the world but I'm grateful that I can generally separate my professional and personal life. At least, I hope I can. What if I think Angelo is innocent because I like him, rather than because he is? I don't know. I hope not.

We interviewed him. He had the same story as Belle up until the point where she says he hit her and he says he left. He pointed out that Aden is the one with the violent history but it's more likely that he'll turn gay than have hit Belle. He loves her too much. And in my opinion, so does Angelo.

Then he thought the developers might have been involved. That theory at least holds some water. They've been after her for a while and she is very dangerous to them. It's definitely something to look into. And I hope for Angelo's sake that we find something tangible.

I told Angelo to take the next couple of days off work. He didn't want to but he has to. He's a suspect in a serious assault. We then went to the hospital to interview Belle. She was a mess. I felt really sorry for her. Whether she's a cheat or a liar or what, it doesn't matter. She was broken and she was terribly afraid and tearful. Of course, Angelo just couldn't leave it. He came to the hospital and burst in on us, shouting the odds and scaring the shit out of Belle who, for her part, seems genuinely sure that he attacked her.

Before I finished my shift, I went to the Surf Club. Angelo was drinking fairly heavily and everyone was ignoring him. In one afternoon he's become a social pariah. I told him off and he continued to plead his case.

Then Roman came in and criticised me for so much as talking to Angelo. I snapped at him. We argued. He kept going on about how he cared about me. Well, it's a bit late for that now, isn't it? And I told him so. At the end of the day, Angelo is innocent until proven guilty in my head and that's the way it should be. I'll eat humble pie and accept it if he's guilty but for now, I can't prove that he did it. And I don't want to. I think people should treat him a little nicer. But of course they won't. Yes, judge him all you like for throwing the chair and punching the wall and generally behaving like a thug but bashing his ex-girlfriend about is a different thing. We don't know that he did that and we shouldn't treat him like we do.

Back at the station though, I had to accept that it was time to charge him. Hopefully we can drop the charges sooner rather than later but for now, even I admit that it's not looking good. Jack called Angelo in and charged him formally, before calling Belle to let her know.

Today has been more of the same shit. Angelo is suspended and Jack and I have been working his case. Fitzy's going to interview Belle again tomorrow when she's stronger. I don't know. Maybe she'll remember something important and will be able to clear his name. I hope so. I really do feel so bad for the guy.

Tonight, I have to make things up to Ruby. She stopped by work yesterday to bring me a coffee in yet another desperate bid to get me to cheer up and begin on the road to recovery from heartbreak. But I don't have the energy.

I wanted to be with Roman. I cared about him. And I feel like a prize idiot for thinking he felt the same. All these fears that I've written down in here over the past few months, I've been busy pretending aren't real. I've pretended he isn't into Martha and that he doesn't care about every other resident of this damn town but me. I've pretended that we were in the same place. And I've loaded all these feelings on him. I may not have been in love with him but I was fully ready to accept that I could one day. And soon. But he pulled the rug from under me and now I feel like a laughing stock. I don't want to recover. I want to wallow. And I hate myself for doing just that.

In more pleasant news, Tony and Rachel are expecting a baby. They've been trying for a while so... hooray for them.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 12<strong>**th**** November**

**23:14**

**Home**

It's been yet another day of trying to resolve Angelo of blame. I haven't had a whole lot of luck yet, although Belle's statement helped. Fitzy worked out that Belle hadn't actually seen her attacker. The assumption is still that it was Angelo but she was hit from behind and can't assure us of the facts. So, although it's unlikely, there is a chance that someone was already at the house, waiting for Belle. And when Angelo left, they launched their attack. For now though, Angelo is still suspended and he's awaiting a court hearing next week.

I hung out with Ruby for a bit last night and apologised for shutting her out earlier. I still don't want to do the Buckton Healing Heartbreak thing but I am touched that she cares so much. I'm very lucky to have her.

She admitted to having words with Roman on Monday, which is both sweet and embarrassing. Apparently he is confident that he and I will be friends again sometime soon. I don't think so. I hate him. Okay, I don't hate him. If I did, it would be so much easier to get over him. It would be so much easier to move on if I hadn't invested so much in our relationship. It takes a hell of a lot to get me to open up to someone, to give them my heart. And I guess I was still pretty closed with him. I'm not so good at sharing stuff. But I did try on a handful occasions and I did see a future there. Perhaps it wasn't a forever kind of future but it was a future all the same.

I think I'm chasing myself round in circles here but I guess what I mean is that it takes a lot for me to really care about someone so for Roman to just dump me like that... hurts. Ruby told him that I was unlikely to want to be his friend, which is true. She said that I deserved better and that I was a good person and he wasn't. I wish that was true. I don't like him so much right now but he is a good man. It's just that he's good to people who aren't me.

As for me... I'm not a good person. I try so hard to be but I always fail. The sad thing is that the girl who defended me so much this week, would hate me if she knew the truth about her birth. And Roman stuff aside, that breaks my heart.

We chatted some more about her teenage traumas. Apparently Melody is slowly spirally out of control. Still. I wonder if I ought to talk to Miles about it. He seems like an approachable guy and I want to help. But then, interfering has never really got me very far in the past. If I'd have just shut my big, fat mouth, I might have been able to hold onto Roman a little longer. Maybe.

Anyway, this Melody girl is hanging out with a bad crowd and she's been drinking. I'm worried. I don't know her and I know it's none of my business but I also know the pain of the kind of things she's been through. It's so easy to lose your way and feel like the world is ending. In a lot of ways, the world _is_ ending for a person in Melody's position. Once you've been attacked that way, your life changes forever. She got into trouble at school with the Principal during class but managed to get out of punishment somehow.

I suggested talking to Miles but Ruby begged me not to. She said that if she thinks it necessary, she'll ask me but she thinks for now that Melody would best be handled by her peers than by adults. She said she's not very easy to get through to at the moment. I'll trust her but it doesn't mean I won't worry.

In passing, Alf mentioned his discomfort over some of the people staying at the caravan park. He said there are a lot of teenage boys hanging around, preparing for the arrival of the schoolies. I really do hate this time of year. Technically, nobody has done anything wrong yet but I'm sure it won't be long. I'm glad Alf mentioned it though. What with everything going on with Angelo, I'd almost forgotten that that time of year is coming up.

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 13<strong>**th**** November**

**21:29**

**Home**

It's been another long shift. I really need to start getting my lunch elsewhere. I hate having to keep running into Roman every day. He's tried to make conversation a handful of times but I'm not ready for idle chit-chat. Everything still hurts too much.

It's never taken me this long to get over someone but I'm worried that I'm going to keep harbouring these residual, painful feelings. I just want to let them go and move on. Maybe I shouldn't have rejected Ruby's ideas so readily. This break up hurts more than any other I've been through but maybe I've been too quick to dismiss shopping, girlie chats, chick flits and ice cream. Maybe I'll see if my baby girl is busy at the weekend. Maybe we could hang out.

Leah came home feeling a little strange tonight. Miles and Kirsty are back together. She's trying to be supportive and happy for them but I know it's hard for her. And VJ is pretty attached to Miles too. I hope they can still have a relationship, even if things are awkward for Leah. She's a very strong character so I think she'll get through it. I wish I was strong enough. Right now, I feel like I'm drowning.

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 15<strong>**th**** November**

**15:09**

**The Beach**

Rubes and I went out for dinner and to a movie last night. She seemed pretty pleased that I had changed my mind about her bid to cheer me up. And it worked. Sort of.

I know that there is life post-Roman, but I guess I'm still not that keen to live it. I just wish I could go back in time and not make so many mistakes with him. Then maybe, he would have cared about me. Maybe he wouldn't have dumped me.

As mad as I have been at him, this whole thing has been my fault. I'm too high-maintenance and I'm too demanding. I have too many opinions and I'm too vocal about them. Who could ever love a girl like me?

Even Ruby... I know she loves me. But also know she'd hate me if she knew the whole truth about who I am. And she's growing up so fast. She's such a good girl but she doesn't need me. Once upon a time, she relied on me for everything. Now... not so much. She doesn't need me. And with the mess ups I always make of things, she'd probably be better off without me.

I love her so much and a big part of me wishes I could have stepped up and done right by her when she was a baby. But another part of me thinks I did the right thing. Who the hell would want me to be their mother? And who the hell would want me to be their girlfriend? No bugger. That's who.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 16<strong>**th**** November**

**22:55**

**Home**

Okay, so I need to reason exactly how I feel about things. At the moment, I'm so messed up about everything and I need to clear to deluge in my head if I'm ever going to move forward.

_Why am I upset about Roman?_ Because he broke my heart.

_How did I feel about him?_ I cared a great deal about him and he was the first person I ever hoped I might have a future with.

_Did I love him?_ No. But he was the closest I've ever come to such a feeling. I felt like I _could _love him. You know, with time.

_How do I think he felt about me?_ I think he used me. No. I don't. I think he did care. But I think he was always aware that he would never care enough. That's why things were so hard in the beginning. I think he should have just accepted that I wasn't 'the one' when I gave him the chance, back when Angelo kept asking me out. If he had done that, then I wouldn't have got so invested. And you never know, I might have somehow ended up with Angelo. Then perhaps all this mess with Belle would never have happened.

_How do I feel about Roman now?_ I'm hurt. I'm angry about the way he treated me. I feel used and I feel humiliated. I feel like the laughing stock of Summer Bay and that everyone knew he didn't really like me all along. I feel like I gave him everything I was capable of giving and he just stamped all over it.

_How do I feel in general now?_ Hurt. Angry. Lost. I feel like a failure. I feel unwanted and an unnecessary burden to the people that love me. I feel like Ruby would be better off without me. And I hate myself.

_Is this just because of Roman?_ No. I've hated myself for a long time. I channel it into work and caring for Ruby. I channelled it into my relationship with Roman. I guess I've been trying to overcome this lack of love I've always felt. My Dad was never there and I can't exactly harbour anger at him for that now, can I? He's too sick. I'm losing out on time with him. But I never felt loved. Not the way I wanted to be loved. Not with Dad. Not with Roman. Not even with Ruby. I know she loves me as much as she can but... it'll never be the way I want, the way I dream off. I'm her mother and she'll never know.

_How am I going to get over all my pain?_ I have no idea.

* * *

><p><em>Next time… in a very busy week, Charlie nearly drowns, sleeps with Angelo and fends off Martha's attempts to get her back together with Roman…<em>


	25. Chapter 25

_Just as an aside, Charlie's 'best I've ever had' will change! I hope you enjoy the chapter. Love, IJKS xxx_

**Chapter Twenty Five**

**Tuesday 18****th**** November**

**22:32**

**Home**

I slept with Angelo. I'm still not entirely sure how it happened. And I have no idea what to do next. Everything is such a mess right now. I nearly died (long story), Ruby is furious with me and now I've complicated the loveliest friendship I've got in the Bay (Angelo). Oh, and I'm still hurting over losing Roman. Yep, life is just rosy right now.

It all started when the weather turned. Heavy rain hit the Bay just as VJ went missing. Annie climbed into a storm drain to save him and he was freed but she got stuck. With the weather threatening and her life in danger, I ended up going down and saving her. It was blind luck that I managed. She was trapped and the water was rising far too quickly. But I managed to get her out. I wasn't quite so lucky though. I ended up being spat out to sea like a bit of waste. I don't really remember a whole lot of it, being that I was unconscious. But I am still seriously pissed that it was Roman who charged into the sea to save me.

People were pretty much treating me as a hero but I'm not. Maybe it looked brave but when you don't give a shit about yourself, your life or what happens to you, you'll do anything. Of course I wanted to save Annie but to be honest, I'm not entirely sure I'm glad that _I_ was saved. I would have missed Ruby. I would have felt bad to miss out on her life and guiding her as she grows up but a big part of me thinks that she'd be much better off without me. Everything I touch turns to dust. I wreck everything. She's definitely better off without me. I love that girl so much but sometimes I feel like I'm poison, contaminating everything around me. I hate myself for contaminating her.

Anyway, after I was released from hospital, Ruby was fussing around me like I was the best person in the world. I feel far from that at the moment and I couldn't cope. I rejected her. And it was wrong of me. She said she needed me but I don't think she does. I don't think she'd do badly on her own without me. So, taking my pride and my bad attitude with me, I headed out to get drunk. That's when I found Angelo.

He's still hurting so much over everything and up until this evening, he was the most hated man in Summer Bay. I felt sorry for him and the way he was being treated. Everyone was so determined that he hurt Belle, which we now know he didn't. And I knew it all along. I think he did wrong by screaming and shouting at her but I know he isn't capable of worse than that. But on Monday night, nobody but me believed that. So when I found him drowning his sorrows, I joined him. We ended up going to his place and we drank so much that I think I'd chuck if I so much as looked at alcohol again. We did shots, got drunk and stupid, laughed our heads off and then ended up in bed.

I regret it. Angelo means a lot to me and I don't want to complicate that. Having said that, it was hot. It was much better than I ever experienced with Roman. Maybe I was with the wrong guy all along! I don't know. It was actually possibly the best sex I've ever had. I mean, it was clumsy because we were pissed out of our heads, but it was passionate. It was almost loving. He was tender and affectionate and I even ended up staying the night. To be fair, that was mostly because I was too drunk to even try and think of getting home. But I don't usually stay. I was tipsy when I slept with Roman the first time but I still went home.

Anyway, when I woke up, Angelo was gone. That's got to be a record! A guy walking out on me in his own apartment... I panicked a little and kept fretting about how bad I might have been or how disappointed he might have been. It turns out that I didn't need to worry. I shot him down but from what he said, I think he might want more than a one night stand. He's not getting it. I don't want to complicate things and I don't want to alienate a guy that I'm actually pretty fond of. Roman and I can barely stay in the same room as each other. I don't want to get hurt. And I don't want to hurt Angelo either. If he likes me and I'm still grieving for Roman, that's not exactly the basis of a strong, healthy relationship, is it? Drunken flings just don't lead anywhere good in my humble opinion.

I don't know where Angelo slipped off to this morning but I hurried out of his place pretty quickly. Ruby was waiting for me and I still feel pretty guilty about the whole thing. She looked like she hadn't slept and she very angrily told me that she'd been worrying about me all night. But I was too hungover and mad at myself for everything to apologise and have a decent conversation. We argued. She stormed to school and sought the salvation of a shower. I saw her this evening and she's still feeling pretty bitter about the whole thing. I am going to try and make things up to her at the weekend.

It certainly wasn't the easiest thing in the world to face a day of work feeling like I did. And Jack was eagerly on hand to tease me about my oversized sunglasses and obviously heavy night. He spent his night working on the development site case. He's taking it even more seriously than I expected. To be honest, I'd gladly take it on (especially now that it's closed) but instead Fitzy lumped me with Angelo's case. Having had sex with him the night before, I then had to spend my time interviewing Colleen and Leah about the threat they heard him make toward Belle before the attack.

I saw Angelo briefly. He left me a voicemail, which I ignored and then he came and found me at the Diner. It was more than a little awkward considering Aden was eyeballing us, Angelo was on the Summer Bay hit list and I was feeling and looking like shit. Aden had already stormed the police station once that morning accusing us of letting Angelo get off lightly because he's a cop. Anyway, Angelo and I didn't get to talk for long because I got a call from Jack with a tip off about Angelo's case.

The tip off turned out to get Angelo off the hook at last. We brought a guy called Nobby in for questioning and he confessed to robbing and attacking Belle. Jack had received an anonymous call to tell him to check the guy's car and sure enough, Belle's stuff was in there. It turns out that rather than being an attack from an angry ex-boyfriend, it was a robbery gone wrong. Angelo was just caught in the crossfire of bad timing.

Regarding the developers though, the whole thing has gone tits up. Our soil samples came back clean, which means that they don't have a case to answer. We don't have a case to follow and we've had to close it. I just hope that they really are innocent. It makes me sick to think that they could have caused cancer clusters in people like Martha, and they're being allowed to get away with it. But what can I do?

When we brought Belle and Aden in, Belle said that now she came to think of it, she had heard a noise before Angelo stormed into her place. It's funny how she remembers that _now_ and not when she was screaming blue murder at Angelo, isn't it? According to Nobby, what happened was that he broke in to steal, heard voices, recognised Angelo as a cop, hid and then when Belle came into her bedroom, for fear of being caught, bashed her up.

Belle started on a theory about it being connected to the development site but if they _are _innocent, why would they bother? Angelo wondered the same thing but mostly he was just relieved that all the charges had been dropped against him. He looked like all his birthdays and Christmases had come at once. I guess he really has been through it these past few days. But I'm glad it's over now. Everything is over. Angelo and I were a one night thing and I am not going there again. And I told him so.

It's getting late now. I wonder where Ruby is. I think I'd better sign off here and call her. I'm getting worried.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 19<strong>**th**** November**

**12:42**

**The Beach**

Ruby was fine. I got so wrapped up in my own stuff that I completely forgot she had a school function on last night. Bad Charlie. I've asked if she wanted to go and catch a movie tonight in a bid to try and make things up to her. She was pretty vague in her response but I _think _she said yes. I hope so anyway. I have a lot of apologising to do.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 19<strong>**th**** November**

**21:58**

**Home**

Well, Ruby blew me out. She's hanging out with Annie tonight instead of me. I guess I can't blame her. She was pretty upset about my disappearing act and as yet, I've not offered an explanation. And to be honest, I don't plan to. I do not want my little girl knowing I went out and had a one night stand with Angelo. I don't want her following my kind of morals and spontaneous sexual exploits. I want her to be a good girl. I want her to be the exact opposite of me. I'm not a good enough example for anyone to follow.

Anyway, I think I got my just desserts tonight anyway. Martha came back from her retreat full of the joys of spring. She invited me to go for dinner at the Diner and, feeling a little low about Rubes, I agreed, only to realise, on arrival, that it was a set up. She'd invited Roman too and not told him I was coming in a misguided bid to get us back together.

It was awkward to say the least but it's confirmed something for me. Roman is in love with Martha. He always has been. And I kind of knew but I never wanted to truly believe it. But I saw something in the way he looked at her tonight and I knew for sure. It doesn't make me feel a whole heap better about myself but perhaps I can direct my anger better. Maybe. I don't know. But I do know that I never want to go near that man again.

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 20<strong>**th**** November**

**21:04**

**Home**

I finally got to spend the evening with Ruby and I hope we made our peace. Certainly by the end of it, once I'd grovelled a bit, she was chattering away like nothing has happened. I'm taking that as a good thing.

I'm a little concerned over her lust for the boys (schoolies) who have descended on our sleepy little town. I do not like the idea of her dating. It was that little bit easier when she was at boarding school. I missed her like crazy but at least I didn't have to watch her getting all lusty. Now, it's right in front of me and quite frankly, no boy in the whole world is ever going to be good enough for my girl.

She said the school event thing went well the other night. Geoff did a good speech and Melody won the Citizenship Award, which is weird considering she's not been behaving too well of late. But maybe nobody in power has noticed. Ruby is pretty worried about her. Apparently she's now devastated. There was some problem with a curfew or something and Miles (who is now officially back together with Kirsty and living with her again), has grounded her. She got all excited about Geoff asking her to the formal (I thought he was dating Nicole!) but now she can't go because she's on lockdown.

I worked all day today and avoided Roman. I'm still so pissed about the breakup and the fact that I now know he was never really real with me but lusting after Martha all this time, that I don't know if I can keep a civil tongue in my head. But the last thing I want is for the wrong person to hear me accusing him of being in love with Martha. Not for him. I don't give a shit if he's upset. In fact, right now, I'd take a whole lot of pleasure in it. But Jack and Martha have already been through so much. And I like to think they're good friends of mine now. I would never, ever want to hurt them. That's why I kept up the pretence on our 'double date'. I couldn't bear for her to be upset, especially as she's so bouncy after her retreat. She deserves some happiness and I am definitely not going to be the person who bursts her bubble.

It's been a little awkward at work for the last few days with Angelo. He keeps trying to talk to me about... stuff, but I'm not interested. I'm trying really hard to draw a line under everything – Roman, getting drunk, Angelo, my fight with Ruby... If I feel like such a shit person, I'm going to behave like one. If I'm going to claw back any of my self-esteem then I have to work pretty hard. I'm just going to have to try and move on, pick myself up and start again. And you never know, if I can learn to like myself a little bit, maybe someone perfect will come along and fall in love with me. I won't get my hopes up though. I'm not sure I'm a particularly loveable person. And even if it turned out that Angelo's the guy for me or some crap like that... he's too messed up right now to make anything work. And so am I.

Jack's cousin, Xavier has shown up with the schoolies. Apparently he was pretending to drown to get some girl's attention but he got rescued by Rachel instead. He was mortified to realise that she's his aunt! Jack says he's a good boy but I'm not entirely convinced. Apparently he's had it pretty hard. His oldest brother is abroad and doesn't help and his other brother has learning difficulties. His Mum is a single parent. I guess he's not doing any real harm by kicking back and enjoying the holidays. Just so long as he doesn't get up to too much mischief. Or meet Ruby. That would be beyond bad.

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 21<strong>**st**** November**

**20:43**

**Home**

I had another long day at work. Angelo and I were partnered up, which was a little awkward but what could I do? We've agreed not to talk about what happened and that's just the way I like it. I'm still trying to draw a line under everything. It's not the easiest thing in the world but I'm doing my best.

I caught Ruby lusting after some of the schoolies today and she was very happy to chat about how exciting the summer was going to be with all the hot boys hanging around. One is not amused! I just hope they stay away from her although, let's face it, why would any boy stay away from Ruby? She's gorgeous. And she has the most amazing personality. Oh dear. I think I'm going to have to keep extremely close tabs on her for the foreseeable.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 23<strong>**rd**** November**

**10:13**

**The Beach**

I've finally got a day off! Hooray! I feel like I have been working every second of the day lately. At least it's distracting me from missing Roman. The more time that passes, the healthier I'm feeling about it all. I mean, I still miss him and I still think about what could have been. But I've stopped crying, Ruby's allowed me to have my self help books back _and _I've put them on the shelf without reading them. Progress!

I saw Jack very briefly on my way out to the beach. He's still buzzing over the boat Martha bought him. He showed me it at lunch time yesterday and it's very cute. Personally, I don't get the whole boat thing. I feel like the only person in this town that doesn't. But it was such a sweet gesture on Martha's part. _Everyone _knows how desperate Jack is to get a crummy old boat and do it up. It'll be his project for a good long while yet, I think. I hope he enjoys it.

Maybe I need someone hot and lovely to sweep me off my feet and teach me how wonderful sailing is? Unlikely, but I am young, free and single again so there is nothing wrong with a bit of fantasy. Speaking of, apparently Roman went with Martha to buy the boat and help her get the best price. I bet it made his fucking day.

I spent a fair bit of time chatting with Leah last night. We were both back late from work so we opened a bottle of wine and hung out for a bit. Apparently VJ and Miles have been hanging out a fair bit. I think things are better between Leah and Miles anyway. She says she still feels sad over a missed opportunity but that she is grateful for his friendship at least and wants to be supportive of his relationship with Kirsty. She's been rushed off her feet at the Diner with the influx of schoolies demanding food. She said Belle has been a total mess since she returned to work. I know I haven't been the biggest Belle supporter in the land but I do feel sorry for her. The few times I've seen her, she looked a total mess. She's physically very battered but she's also very jumpy and stressed. She was even sniping at Aden today so it looks like there may be trouble in paradise.

But anyway, speaking of the schoolies, Ruby is in lust, just as I feared. I am comforted only by the fact that it's that Xavier boy, Jack's cousin, that she likes. She told me rather jubilantly this morning that she spent pretty much the whole day with him and his mate. Annie doesn't seem quite so impressed with them but Ruby pointed out that she has Jai whereas Rubes hasn't had a boyfriend since Pat.

Quite frankly, that was just the way I liked it but I suppose I have to accept that she's growing up. And unfortunately, that traditionally means boys. Apparently they all watched a DVD together here yesterday. I wondered where all my junk food had gone! Then they met up later, played some pool and then Ruby horrified me by announcing that Xavier was the best kisser ever. I mean, I know my recent exploits aren't putting me in a terribly good light but she's fifteen! She kissed him on the first date! That's terrible. Bad Ruby. I hope this boy doesn't stick around too long. I just can't bear the thought of her dating properly yet. She's too young. She's still a baby.

In other news, I heard on the grapevine that Bridget's cancer has returned. I don't know how much I've written about her in here but she's Alf's new girlfriend. He seems pretty smitten, which is ever so cute. But she had cancer and has been really helpful to Martha in supporting her through her own ordeal. But now it looks like the disease is back. It makes me panic more about the development site. What if their toxic waste really is causing people to get sick? What if we just let it go? What if we could save people's lives?

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Charlie and Ruby visit Ross and Morag, Charlie ponders what she wants in a partner and notices Joey properly for the first time…<em>


	26. Chapter 26

**Chapter Twenty Six**

**Monday 24****th**** November**

**23:14**

**Dad and Morag's House**

Okay, I've been a bit of a bad girl. School is still in session but the only week I could get off work was this week so I've abducted Ruby and brought her to the city with me. Call me a bad parent or sister or whatever I'm meant to be but I didn't want to leave her to her own devices, especially as she's got such a big thing for this Xavier boy. I don't want her getting carried away even more than she is already. She put up a bit of a fight over leaving him when she has limited time with him anyway, but she came pretty willingly in the end. Her loyalty to Dad is strong and we haven't seen him in a while. I miss him a lot and I know Rubes does too. So, I think it will be nice to spend some time here and be with him again.

We had a fun drive here with a lot of singing and laughing and Dad was on top form. He's forgetful, of course, but he didn't seem to lose himself tonight as much as he has on other occasions. The four of us had a nice dinner together and a catch up. Ruby and I are sharing a room, which is fine. Except it's late and she keeps poking me and telling me to turn the light out! How rude!

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 25<strong>**th**** November**

**13:01**

**Dad and Morag's House**

It's a glorious day of sunshine and I for one am very much enjoying chilling out with my family. It's nice. There's no pressure here. At home at the moment, all I'm feeling is pressure from all sides. I guess I needed to come away and calm down for a bit.

I'm pretty much over Roman, I think. I hope. But it's still not that easy to see him every day looking so handsome and unobtainable. It'll be good to be here and have a break from life in Summer Bay.

And as for Angelo, well, I don't know if anything will happen there or not. I don't even know if I want it to. The sex was pretty hot but I'm not sure we should risk our friendship or our working relationship. He's sweet and good looking and I know he's liked me for a long time. Maybe it would be perfect and maybe it would be a disaster. I'm really not sure. But at the moment, it's just awkward and it's another thing I've felt the need to get away from.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 26<strong>**th**** November**

**21:47**

**Dad and Morag's House**

I had a busier day today. Dad wasn't in such a good way. I wanted to help but in a brief moment of clarity, he asked that I take Ruby out for the day. He doesn't want his girls seeing him this way. It's hard to take, especially as it's my nature to get involved and try to fix a problem. But I know I can't fix this. And the only way I can truly help him is to do what he asks.

As it turned out, Ruby and I had a nice day. We indulged in a big, fat, unhealthy lunch and did some sightseeing. It was amusing and I love the way that Ruby gets so excited about things, even buildings she's seen a hundred times.

It was also nice that for the first time since we got here, she wasn't surgically attached to her phone! She's been texting Xavier constantly. She says she doesn't want to risk and 'out of sight, out of mind' situation but today, she sent him a message to say that she wouldn't be contactable for much of the day. Call me selfish but I just love getting to spend proper time with her.

We chatted loads, about everything and nothing and it was amazing. She told me all about Xavier and how much she likes him. It's cute. We talked about her concerns over Melody and that Annie is still pretty shaken up over the storm drain incident. I've mostly tried to block it out, myself.

She asked about Roman and I said I was feeling much better about the whole thing. Then she wanted to know if there might be someone new on the horizon. I reluctantly admitted to something happening with Angelo. She seemed surprisingly supportive. He hasn't exactly been the most popular guy in Summer Bay in recent weeks but Ruby said, now he's been proved innocent of hurting Belle, that she likes him and she's known for a while that he was into me. She was totally supportive of that 'date' we went on months ago and she told me to go for it if I think he'll treat me like the Princess I am. That was funny. I love the way she views me with rose tinted spectacles. I just hope I never let her down. That thought is terrifying.

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 27<strong>**th**** November**

**19:00**

**Dad and Morag's House**

We all had a chill out day together. Dad was much improved from yesterday, which is good. Morag said he does have a lot of bad days but that when he's doing well, he really does do great. I just hope he can sustain it and last in this world, as himself, for as long as possible. I love him so much.

And I feel like I have wasted too much time not getting along with him. It's so hard not to dwell on all the fights instead of the good times we have had together. I remember waiting for him to come home, I remember longing for him to pay any kind of attention to me. I remember the look of utter disappointment on his face when he found out I was pregnant and I remember the grief I felt that he didn't seek justice on behalf of his little girl. I remember the jealousy that rose up in me when I saw just how affectionate and loving he was towards Ruby when he could barely look me in the eye, and I remember the way it increased when I came to the realisation that he and Mum were never going to let me be the mother I wanted to be.

I remember too much of the shit, sadness and suffering. I want to cling to the joy but it's just not that easy. And it all feels like a waste of time. We could have had such a wonderful relationship if only we'd given ourselves the chance. And we can express love now but something inside of me is screaming that it's already too late.

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 29<strong>**th**** November**

**00:32**

**Dad and Morag's House**

I don't have too long to write because it's late and Ruby is bugging me about going to sleep. But I do like to write even a little bit in here each and every day. And yes, I know technically it's Saturday so I haven't written on Friday but it doesn't really count. I haven't been to sleep yet!

Dad, Morag, Ruby and I went out for a gorgeous three course meal tonight, as it's mine and Ruby's last night here. I don't really want to go home tomorrow. It's been so nice just to spend time with my family and not have to think about work and men and the mess I always seem to make of my life. I've felt happier this week than I have felt in a lot time – and that's well before Roman and I split up.

The more I think about it, the more I don't think I was ever truly happy with him. He was a nice guy and I cared a lot about him but what I loved best was the idea of him. Roman was a good looking, well established man. He had a good job and a former SAS career to respect. He's stepped up to the plate and begun taking care of his teenage daughter in a way that I have never been able to and he stood for good ethics and a healthy approach to life. And he was nice to me. He was nice way back when I arrived and I'd alienated everyone else. And he did treat me moderately well as his girlfriend.

But I think I was always painfully aware that he never felt that passionately about me. I don't think it's right to compare lovers necessarily but I think what was so good about Angelo the other night was that he really cared. Roman was okay but the earth didn't move because he didn't feel it in his heart. He never saw a future with me and I never really saw one with him. But it was easy to kid myself that we were Summer Bay's golden couple. We weren't and we were never going to be. I feel better just for accepting that tonight. I feel healthier and far more able to move on.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 30<strong>**th**** November**

**00:19**

**Home**

Ruby and I stayed in the city for most of the day and then we drove back to Summer Bay. We stopped off at the Diner to eat dinner. Roman was working but he just didn't affect me the same way he was affecting me last week. I guess this is what you'd call closure. I feel better for it anyway. And Ruby noticed. I was touched that she cared.

When we got home, we talked loads more and ended up drawing an 'ideal partner wish list'. Here is mine:

1. Someone who is beautiful – inside and outside. On a purely physical level, I'd want to be with someone with a particular aspect of their face of body that is really striking and captivating, like their eyes or lips or smile.

2. Someone who has interests out of their relationship with me, they will exist independently but still invite me into their world.

3. Someone who makes me laugh.

4. Someone who, when I see them, makes me feel like the world had stopped turning, just because they're there.

5. Someone with opinions, that I can debate with and discuss the world. Someone who can challenge me.

6. Someone who will sit and listen to me, who I can share my problems – big or small – with, who'll understand and care about me.

7. Someone who loves me.

I guess number seven is really the most important thing. I may have commitment phobia and I may not see things in the long term, but in my heart of hearts, I know that all I really want is someone who loves me, someone who can heal my hurts with just a smile, someone who knows me – the good stuff and the bad stuff – and tells me they love me anyway. I wonder if such a person out there exists?

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 30<strong>**th**** November**

**12:39**

**The Beach**

Ruby skipped off pretty early this morning. She's arranged to 'hang out' with Xavier all day and while she hasn't quite allowed herself to call it a date yet, she was far too excited for it not to be. They haven't talk about anything serious yet but I know she's kissed him and I know she is in lust. I just hope that he genuinely likes her and isn't taking her for a ride. I don't want her to get hurt.

As for me, I am indulging in one more chill out day before I tackle work tomorrow. I came out at ten and worked up a sweat in the gym, headed home to shower and change and now I am happily relaxing on the beach, enjoying the sunshine and the especially strong taste of salt in the air. It's refreshing. I'm not much of a sailing kind of girl but I do love the beach and I do appreciate just sitting and listening to the waves lapping at the shore. It's beautiful and peaceful and I find it very calming.

I also like the beach for people watching. You get the odd hottie walking around in shorts and not much else, and I find it interesting to watch people interact. I like to imagine what their lives are like, who they are and what they dream of being.

Right now, there is the most beautiful girl I have ever seen sitting not so far away from me. Obviously I'm not interested in her in _that _way – I'm all about the boys – but she is striking. I think I've seen her somewhere before. She's just sitting, like me, gazing at the sea. She's slim and toned with long dark hair and, from what I can see, the most soulful eyes. She's beautiful. And I can't help but feel fascinated by her hands. I wonder who she is and why she looks so serious. She looks serene on the outside but as if she has a million thoughts racing around her head. I think she's beautiful. Perfect. Captivating.

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Charlie and Angelo establish a friends with benefits system, Xavier gets into trouble for dealing drugs and the development site costs Jack his life…<em>


	27. Chapter 27

_With the leap from the end to the series in November and start in January, I have had to be a bit creative with dates but I hope it still makes sense! Love, IJKS xxx_

**Chapter Twenty Seven**

**Monday 1****st**** December 2008**

**17:18**

**Home**

Well, it was back to work today. It's a good way of keeping me busy, although I'm still feeling a little confused about Angelo. He's very distracted at the moment and he's walking around the station like he has the weight of the world on his shoulders. I'm worried about him and normally, I'd just outright ask if he's okay. But I feel really awkward now that we've slept together. He's seen me naked. He's touched me. He's made me orgasm. I've made _him _orgasm! And we've barely spoken since. I don't know. I just feel kind of shy, I suppose.

Jack's on top of the world at the moment. After everything that's happened to him and Martha lately, it's really nice to see. He can't stop talking about his boat and he's so excited about it. I'm really happy for him.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 2<strong>**nd**** December**

**22:31**

**Home**

Well, I decided to bite the bullet and talk to Angelo. I've been a little fixated on things being awkward between us and I wanted to make thing right. I wanted to find out if he was okay and specifically, if _we _were okay. And it turns out that the last thing he's been thinking about is me. He was with someone. And I called and interrupted. So, now I feel like a total dumbass.

I think I took for granted that he liked me. I mean, he's been after me since we first met and when was that? July? August? I don't remember. But anyway, he's been hitting on me all this time and then he took me on that lovely date back when things were going badly with Roman. I suppose I always kind of saw him as my fallback guy. And I know that sounds really awful but it's meant with affection!

I don't know how to explain it exactly but... Angelo gets me. He likes me regardless of anything I do and he makes me laugh. He's a good guy but now... well, maybe I left it too late. I mean, I don't think it was ever going to be a great love affair and I do know that our night together was mostly alcohol fuelled but I kind of felt like we had a connection. And now I feel like an idiot. Oh well, no great loss, I guess. There's plenty more fish in the sea.

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 4<strong>**th**** December**

**18:53**

**Home**

What a crazy couple of days. Well, for starters, I can safely say that things with Angelo are fine. They're more than fine. We slept together last night and he stayed round at my place. I'm not normally the best hostess in the world and I do have a tendency to do the deed and kick the guy out. But I let him stay. I wasn't up for cuddling or anything sappy like that but sometimes it's kind of comforting to lie beside someone.

And I think that Angelo cares about me. But there's this part of him that I just can't reach. It makes me feel a little uncomfortable, as that was a big problem between Roman and I. But I think it's circumstantial to be honest. He was never like this before. He was always so open and friendly. I think all this stuff with Belle and the developers and everything have really got to him. And I found out yesterday that he was in this a lot more deeply than I realised.

To go back to yesterday morning... I was late for work. I arrived just in time for Fitzy to announce that I was to take over as acting chief while she is on maternity leave. I am so excited! I mean, the news kind of got overshadowed by the rest of the day but I really am pleased with myself.

I phoned Dad immediately and he was so proud. I really hope that I can keep charging up the ranks and really make something of myself. Aside from Ruby, work is the most important thing in my life. I love it. It's my vocation and it means everything to me.

I managed to find some time to talk to Angelo but it didn't go terribly well and I really thought our friendship was ruined by that point. He wasn't that encouraging about my new position. I asked if we were okay and he said we were but I wasn't desperately convinced.

However, as it turned out, he was stressing about Nobby showing up for his bail hearing. It turns out that Angelo's cousin posted bail for him. Jack had got wind of it and was pretty much following Angelo around like a bad smell for most of the day asking questions. Angelo's reasoning was that Nobby is our best link to the developers and he was hoping to use him. But obviously, it didn't work. The story makes sense to me but Jack isn't so sure, I don't think. He said that Angelo was just covering his own backside. He wanted me to report it but I haven't. I will if I have to but I want to hold off for now.

Maybe I'm being blind but I believe in Angelo and I don't think he'd do the wrong thing. Jack said he didn't want to work with Angelo anymore. But he's taken leave anyway so that should buy Jack a few days to calm down. Hopefully when Angelo gets back to work, everything will have calmed down.

Anyway, I warned Jack not to go and have it out with Angelo. He ignored me and I'm grateful. When he arrived, Angelo and Belle were being shot at by a hitman! I have no idea what Belle was doing there but it looked like Angelo was trying to protect her. The hitman was hired by the developers. To me, and everyone else, that pretty much proves that they're dirty. Now we just have to prove it.

Back at the station, Fitzy and Jack interviewed Angelo and told him off for the mess he's got himself into. He told them everything he knows and Jack is still pissed off with him. I hope they make it up.

While all this was going on, I was doing some digging. For a while it looked like any hope of proving that the hitman was connected to the developers was wearing thin but then I found out that Tim and the hitman were in jail at the same time. It's sketchy but at least it's something.

Anyway, after a gruelling day at work, a few of us went to the Surf Club to celebrate my temporary promotion. Fitzy was really sweet and even proposed a toast to me. I was really touched.

Ruby was sweet enough to stop by. That Xavier kid is still hanging around the Bay and Ruby seems pretty besotted. He seems pretty sweet to be honest and with Tony as his uncle and Jack as his cousin, I'm guessing he can't be that bad. Obviously I'm protective of my girl but for now, I'll be happy and supportive. She hasn't smiled like this in a while. They left our drinks pretty early though.

Angelo was hiding out in a corner for most of the night. I went over to speak to him but he said he didn't feel like celebrating. I told him that he handled things badly but he got good results and that's what matters. I assured him that he wouldn't be getting a hard time at work from me.

Then I just _had _to as if he was seeing someone else. He said no and that he lied about having company the other night. Then he asked if I was jealous. I denied it of course, but I think I must have been. And then of course, I did my usual and spontaneously asked if he wanted to spend the night with me.

Maybe it was a good idea, maybe it was a bad one – but we had fun all the same. I don't have any desire to be in a serious relationship or anything. I never have a desire for that! But a fling would be nice. You know, something light hearted and easy. Friends with benefits. But where we both know where we stand and we're both happy about it. The last thing I need is to let things get complicated again. I had enough of that with Roman.

Anyway, I'd better get myself ready. Angelo's coming over again tonight. It should be fun.

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 5<strong>**th**** December**

**12:32**

**The Beach**

I'm just taking a break from work. I've got takeout from the Diner and I'm just happy chilling here for half an hour. That girl from the other week is out here too. Either she's here a lot or I am. Part of me kind of wants to go over and say hello but I have no idea why. She'd think I was a loon if I told her that I felt compelled to go and talk to her. I think I'm a loon too!

Ruby was a little subdued when I saw her this morning. She said something about Xavier making friends, ever so briefly with Matthew. They've made it up and Xavier said he'd rather live without Matthew than her so I think she's okay. But it seems like it shook her up a little bit. Matthew really hurt her not so long ago. I know she did wrong by humiliating him but he did worse to her. Not that I'm biased or anything.

I'm so looking forward to Sunday. I get a nice day off and I can't wait. Angelo has the day off too. He's cancelled his leave so we're both working tomorrow and then on Sunday, he suggested we go out for the day. And he's staying over tonight too. Does it count as a fling if you have sex with a guy three nights in a row and then arrange to spend a whole day with him? I don't know.

The girl just got up and walked past me. We smiled at each other. She has a lovely smile. Why on earth do I care enough that I'd write that in here? I really should be getting back to work.

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 5<strong>**th**** December**

**22:09**

**Home**

I take it back. Xavier is a bad kid and I do not want him going anywhere near my daughter. He's a druggie. I don't know if he smokes it, sells it or both but I do not want Ruby anywhere near that kind of world.

After I finished work, I headed to the gym for a workout but before I got started, I found a hoodie on the floor. Tony said not to worry as he knew whose it was. I picked it up to hand it over and a bag of weed fell out of the pocket. I'd already finished my shift but obviously I had to put my work hat back on – not literally. Tony admitted that the hoodie belonged to Xavier.

I found Jack with Martha in the Diner. He'd taken the day off work today, which was kind of good because the atmosphere between him and Angelo is potentially unbearable. I caught sight of Roman handing over a romantic hamper to Jack and Martha. He congratulated me on my promotion but I wasn't really interested.

It's so inappropriate and so obvious that he has feelings for Martha. It's etched all over his face. I'm just glad that neither Jack nor Martha have figured it out. They're so in love and I hope nothing will ever break that, especially after everything they have been through. But one good thing that came out of the brief meeting... I don't have feelings for Roman anymore. They're gone. I feel a kind of bitterness towards him and I feel like he's taken me for a ride. But I'm not pining for him and if he ever asked me to be with him again, I'd say no. And that has nothing to do with Angelo. I just feel stronger now and I think I finally have my self esteem back again.

But anyway, I digress. I was talking about Xavier. Jack admitted that a few weeks ago, back when Xavier first showed up, Jack caught him stoned. I agreed to let him handle it. I didn't want to get all official, especially with Ruby's feelings at risk. And Jack is a good cop. Xavier is his cousin and he knows what to do for the best.

What he decided to do was send him packing and to be honest, I'm pretty glad about that. Ruby, however, was not. She came home in floods of tears. Apparently she had literally just managed to catch Xavier as he was leaving. He sent her a text to say goodbye and that was it. Not even a phone call. I mean, I understand that it was all a bit awkward and hurried but she's a teenage girl, doesn't know what was happening and quite rightfully thinks she deserves better. Poor thing. He feigned a family emergency, told her to keep in touch and she left.

Apparently Martha was on hand to comfort her and then she came home to me. I like that she turns to me. I hope we never lose the bond we have. I know it's not exactly what I would like from our relationship but if I don't get to be her Mum, at least I get to be what I hope is the best big sister. I hope she knows that I'd do anything I could to take care of her. And while maybe I should have told her about Xavier and the drugs, I feel justified in protecting her from that. Hopefully she will never see the guy again and she can forget all about him sooner rather than later.

I cancelled my evening with Angelo in order to be there for Ruby, who is feeling pretty down about everything. We got a takeaway and a DVD and ended up doing our usual – talking the whole way through the film, missing it and therefore having to watch it twice.

She caught me up on the goings of her friends. Apparently Geoff and Nicole aren't talking because he is taking Melody to the formal tomorrow. I'm not entirely sure who I agree with there! Nicole is Geoff's girlfriend and she has every right to be his date. If that happened to me, I know I would be seriously pissed off. However, it's also clear that Geoff is doing a nice thing for Melody who really has been through the ringer for the last year. So, I don't know. Anyway, I hope they work it out. Apparently Nicole now has a date of her own. I can't actually see this going well!

In other news, Leah is panicking about her birthday. It's her thirtieth and her family, as usual, want to do a massive party for her but she is pretty reluctant.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 7<strong>**th**** December**

**04:59**

**Home**

I can't even begin to describe what's happened tonight. I feel sick. I just... can't.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 7<strong>**th**** December**

**07:42**

**Home**

I've tried to sleep but I'm too wired. And this is bad because I have one hell of a day ahead of me today. I worked all day yesterday and I worked all night. There was a car crash. And a fire. People are critical in hospital. And Jack is dead. I can't believe that Jack is dead.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 7<strong>**th**** December**

**18:47**

**Home**

I worked but it feels like we've all be wandering around in some kind of dream. Well, it's more like a nightmare. I still feel sick and I can't comprehend everything that's happened. It's just... crazy. The whole station has been so quiet all day as we try and sift through the wreckage of this weekend. It was as quiet as death.

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Charlie reflects on the school formal disaster and Jack's death as she starts her investigation, Kirsty is devoted to Kane and Rachel is gunning for Bridget…<em>


	28. Chapter 28

**Chapter Twenty Eight**

**Monday 8****th**** December**

**21:18**

**Home**

I guess I have to write about everything that's happened at some point and it may as well be now, although I am still having a pretty hard time getting my head around it. Everyone is. What a horrific night. There are people in hospital, Belle's injuries are so serious that she's been transferred to the city and Jack... poor Jack. He's in the morgue. I just can't bear thinking about it. I can't write. I can't put it down on paper. It's too much.

* * *

><p><strong>Monday 8<strong>**th**** December**

**22:11**

**Home**

I had a bath and gave Ruby an excess of cuddles and told her I loved her a million times. Just in case she didn't know. She didn't shake me off like a normal teenager. I guess everyone is taking time out right now to let people know how much they love them. You know, just in case. I can't even begin to think about how poor Martha is doing right now. And Tony. Poor Tony.

* * *

><p><strong>Monday 8<strong>**th**** December**

**23:39**

**Home**

Okay, I swear I am going to get at least something written down now. I'll start with the formal disaster. It's all a bit of a blur and we're still trying to figure out what happened but we'll get there. It's hard in the current situation but we're all doing our best to get on with the job.

It was the school formal on Saturday. Ruby was annoyed because she was too young to go and now I am so glad she's only fifteen. If she'd been even Nicole and Geoff's age, she would have been there. I might have lost her. I worked most of the day and it was easy to see all the kids were getting excited. It was something I kind of missed out on. I mean, I went to my own formal but I was so broken by that point, after everything that had happened, that I couldn't really enjoy myself. I was just grateful to have made friends with a closeted gay guy. We went to the formal together with no expectations.

Anyway, everything was going to plan. Leah was rushed off her feet doing the catering with Irene and Roman and then, from what I gather, Roman headed off to the city to go and see Dad and Morag.

Angelo finished his shift and then I finished mine. We hadn't arranged to do anything and to be honest, I was really looking forward to a nice, restful night. VJ was spending the night at Stella's so Ruby and I had the place to ourselves. I left Watson and Jack doing overtime but there was nothing unusual there. Jack has been pretty hot on the development site case, for obvious reasons and I know he was waiting for Tim's phone records. I'm still not entirely sure what happened with any of it. It's all a mystery. And an extremely tragic one at that.

But anyway, I still don't know what happened there. I don't know how Jack ended up dying alone at the development site. And I still don't really know what happened at the formal. Everyone is too shell shocked and nobody, as yet, is coming forward. What I can deduce so far is that Kane, Annie and Jai were in a car. From the road markings, they swerved, presumably to avoid hitting someone or something. They crashed into the side of the building the formal was being held it and everything pretty much blew up. A fire started, panic spread and somehow, all the staff and students got locked in.

The car crashed into the kitchen and burst into flames. I'd only been at home for half an hour, about to tuck into some junk food with Rubes when I got the call. I hated leaving her, especially all alone and looking so frightened but I had to do my job. Watson hadn't managed to leave her first shift yet so she worked right through. We all suited up at the station. I left Watson fielding calls because she was so tired and for the rest of us, it was all hands on deck. At that point, nobody knew what had happened to Jack. I feel so guilty to have been pissed off that he wasn't around. I should have thought. If someone had realised he was missing and not attending such an important scene, perhaps we could have saved him. I called Angelo as we charged out but it wasn't easy to get in touch with him. I left a message and he showed up eventually.

The scene itself was chaos. It was sheer panic. Awful. The car had crashed into the kitchen and was engulfed in flames. There was debris everywhere and people were still trapped inside the building. Everything is still pretty sketchy but it sounds like people were really pulling together. They were heroes.

Martin Bartlett was trying to push the crowd back while Aden tried to get the doors open. But people were running scared. Bartlett got trampled. Nicole tried to save him and he fortunately got away with minor injuries. Annie, Jai and Kane were in the car. Geoff, Kirsty and Miles were trying to save them. In the end, Miles managed to smash the windscreen while Geoff helped Annie and Jai escape through the back of the car and into the open air.

Angelo finally arrived and I barked orders at him but my focus was the car. By the time I got to them, Miles and Kirsty had finally been rescued by the fire service. Geoff tried to save Kane but in the end he had to save himself. What else could he do?

He told me the situation and I went in to try and help. I climbed into the car and after a lot of difficulty, I managed to pull him out. It was literally a matter of seconds. The place exploded all over again and we barely got out alive.

As people were being stretchered off to hospital, Martha arrived looking for Jack. He wasn't there. At that point, we didn't know where he was. We were to find out in a few hours that he was dead. But at that point, Martha was sure he was around somewhere, saving people's lives. So she went on into the building and ended up nearly dying herself. I don't know what came over him but the next thing I knew, Angelo was going in after her. He saved her life. I mean, I know I took a risk in rescuing Kane but... No, it's the same thing really. We're both dedicated enough to risk ourselves for the sake of our responsibilities. We take serving our community extremely seriously.

We all ended up at the hospital. Aden and Irene were beside themselves waiting for news on Belle. She's been transferred to the city hospital and is making slow progress but hopefully she will be alright. I know she hasn't been my favourite person of late but she has been through a hell of a lot recently. I don't know how she copes. But she has a good support network and that must be very special for her. Bartlett was treated for minor injuries and things are still touch and go with Kane.

I found Angelo in the corridor looking as shocked as everyone else floating around the place. I sent him home on the basis that he had been heroic enough for one night. He risked his life to save Martha and that can only be a good thing in my book. I think he was very brave.

The Doctor forced me to get checked out and I've inhaled a lot of smoke and had a few burns but nothing serious. Mostly I just wanted to get back to work and find out what the hell happened. I interviewed Bartlett but he has no idea why the doors were locked either. And apparently Annie and Jai were out looking for Melody who was meant to be grounded, and convinced Kane to drive them round to look for her. I need to talk to Melody too. We need to talk to everyone involved really. It's going to be a long time before Summer Bay comes to terms with all of this.

When I finally had the space to catch my breath, I called Ruby, knowing that she would be worried. She was in a state but I was at least able to reassure her that Annie and Jai's injuries weren't fatal. Kane was still in surgery at that time but I was happy to tell her that at least none of her friends were in danger. She was pretty shaken and eager for me to come home. And I was about to. Then we found out about Jack.

With Martha panicking about her husband not being involved in such a crucial crisis, the kind of situation where he would have been doing anything to save the people of this community, he was missing. Tony offered to go and find him. The next thing we knew, an ambulance had pulled up with Tony. And Jack's body.

He's dead. He's gone. Just like that. I still can't believe it. Watson told me that he'd been working pretty obsessively on the development site and I guess it led him down there. And someone shot him. Someone shot him and they left him for dead.

It was well into Sunday morning when I managed to come home. Ruby was wide awake and frightened. I held her and broke the news. She cried. I held her for longer. Eventually, I showered and sent both of us to bed. A few minutes later, my door opened and she crept in, asking if she could sleep with me to make sure we were both safe. My heart broke a little bit more.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 9<strong>**th**** December**

**22:10**

**Home**

It's been yet another long day of chasing our tails. Every day just feels so long right now, like everything is moving in slow motion.

Sunday was pretty awful. Tony took Martha home and nobody has seen her since. She's been hiding away. Grieving. Roman came back from the city to be there for her. I can only hope he'll be appropriate and his compassion is borne out of friendship rather than lust for a widow.

Colleen gently fussed around people, providing food and comfort for anyone who needed it. She showed a very sweet side to her. Ken went round to Tony, Rachel and Martha to express condolences on behalf of the station. I'm glad it wasn't me.

In better news, Kane regained consciousness.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 10<strong>**th**** December**

**23:59**

**Home**

I am so tired. I feel like I'm not getting anywhere with this diary but I do want to try and write things down and get them clear in my head. Maybe that will help with the investigation.

We're all grieving for our colleague and we're being pulled in different directions. We've got two seriously heavy cases and there just aren't enough of us to be split into proper teams. And now that I am acting chief, I have to head up pretty much everything.

My first task on Monday was to talk to Melody and get her to fill in an accident report. I'm concerned that there is more to the story she gave me but I'm not entirely sure how to push forward with that. She is a very vulnerable girl and I need to tread carefully. I know more than a lot of people just how rape can destroy your life. I don't want to charge in and upset her. But Ruby has already told me she's been acting strangely; she made a scene at the formal and then she went missing. There is definitely something up with that.

Bridget came back from treatment in the city to support Alf and his family. I wonder if Rachel was right or wrong about her. I hope she was wrong. She seems like a nice person and it's good to see Alf looking so happy. And she's providing a lot of comfort for him during these dark days.

According to Leah, Kirsty is spending all her time at the hospital, playing the doting wife to Kane and it's breaking Miles's heart. It's a shame. He deserves someone lovely. I hope he finds someone, even if it is Kirsty. But there are worse things going on right now.

There is already talk of funeral arrangements. It looks like it might be a little awkward getting a quick funeral. Between the investigation into Jack's murder and the fact that Christmas is around the corner, who knows when it will be? Waiting around is the hardest thing. We had to do that with Mum because the funeral directors were all booked up for a couple of weeks. Living in limbo is so empty. It hurts.

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 11<strong>**th**** December**

**21:10**

**Home**

I've been keeping really late hours this week. I guess this is how it's going to go for a while, while we're trying to figure out what the hell happened at the weekend. I've literally walked through the door and gobbled down some dinner that Leah was kind enough to make for me.

We had a chat. She said that Rachel is convinced that that Bridget woman is dirty and lying about having cancer. Leah isn't sure what to make of it and nor am I. I mean, who would lie about that kind of thing? Why? But it's not like Rachel to make accusations like that if they were unfounded. But then, after discovering her history with Tony, she didn't exactly warm to her in the first place, did she?

We talked about it a little and then both felt a little guilty to be talking about something other than Jack or the formal, but I guess life has to move on for those of us who are still living it. It was almost a relief to talk about something other than the horrible disaster that has befallen us this week. Does that sound heartless?

Well, this is my first early-ish night and I really want to spend some time with Ruby. She's been affected pretty badly by this whole thing. Two of her closest friends were hurt, not to mention Nicole and Geoff. And she admitted last night that she tries to stay up when I'm on a night shift because she gets afraid that I won't come home. Especially now. I tried to reassure her but I get scared too. I didn't admit that to her though. She doesn't need it. But when I was in that car, trying to save Kane, all I could really think about was Ruby. I knew I had to save Kane but I also knew I had to save myself. I had to go home to my girl.

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 12<strong>**th**** December**

**18:03**

**Home**

Wow, I am actually home in time for a hot dinner! Who'd have thought that was possible? Ruby had cooked and we ate together. We're going to try and spend some proper time together when some of the Jack/Formal debris has cleared.

Today, I had the horrible job of interviewing Tony. He found Jack's car when he was driving around, looking for him. He ventured onto the development site and found him on the ground with a bullet wound. He clutched his body, willing him to be alive – but he already knew he was dead. He called an ambulance and Jack was taken to the hospital. Rachel couldn't do the pronouncement. It was too hard. We've been working the scene but we can't find anything yet. If we can identify the bullet, we might manage to trace the shooter but that all takes time.

Belle arrived back from the city today but she's gone to stay with Aden instead of going home. According to Annie (via Ruby), she's in a real state about the whole thing. She's paranoid and frightened and thinks Tim shot Jack and that it's her fault.

It's definitely a possibility that Tim did it. We haven't been able to find him since that night. But it's not Belle's fault. The only person responsible for this is whoever pulled the trigger. And I am determined to bring that person down.

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 13<strong>**th**** December**

**19:47**

**Home**

This is the weirdest situation I've ever been in. The town is in mourning. Everything is so silent, so eerie. I actually appreciate Colleen's inane chatter to break up the silence. Nobody speaks at work unless they have to. We're working hard on trying to find out what happened to Jack and what happened at the formal.

We've been completing interviews, although there are a few people missing off our list. Belle is in no state to talk and Miles has said that the teenagers in his care are pretty broken but has promised he'll bring them in on Monday. We're still no closer to achieving anything.

Tim has disappeared and the development site has shut down. We can only assume that it was him or one of his employees who shot Jack but we can't find anyone. Nobby didn't make his court appearance. Maybe it was him. I don't know.

And as far as the formal is concerned, we now know that Kane swerved to avoid hitting Melody with his car and crashed into the building. But how on earth the doors got locked, is beyond me. Nobody is owning up.

Ruby is being very clingy (but in a good way). She keeps telling me she loves me and wants to know where I am at all times.

I found Watson crying in the toilets. I didn't speak to her but I held her for a bit and I think we both took a lot of comfort from it.

Angelo is more or less unreachable. He comes to work, he does his job, he speaks even less than anyone else does and even if we were to have anything resembling spare time, I don't think he would be spending it with me. He's lost somewhere in his own head. I hope he is okay.

But that's a dumb thing to say. Of course he's not okay. Nobody is.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 14<strong>**th**** December**

**13:41**

**The Beach**

I'm taking an extended lunch break. Work is so hard right now and I'm probably being terrible for needing a rest but I feel like I haven't slept in days. I _haven't _slept in days.

Ruby is sad, people are walking wounded, Martha hasn't left the house, Tony keeps crying, Miles is mourning Kirsty as she spends every waking moment with Kane, Belle is paranoid, Aden is struggling, Angelo is lost in his own head, Watson is tearful and Jack is dead.

Oh, and I saw that beautiful girl on the beach a few minutes ago. It looks like it's all affected her too. I don't know her but we're pretty much all connected in this place so she must have inevitably been affected by it all. This whole thing is making me feel so sad.

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Melody confesses to locking the doors at the formal, Charlie notices Joey again and Belle struggles to keep herself together…<em>


	29. Chapter 29

**Chapter Twenty Nine**

**Monday 15****th**** December**

**17:27**

**Home**

Well, we finally made some headway with the formal disaster case today. Thank goodness! Miles brought Melody in and she confessed to completing fucking the night up. She got stoned with that boy, Matthew Lyons – the one who liked Ruby a few months back. She was obsessed with going to the formal to be with Geoff but she was grounded so she sneaked out. And when she got there, he was with Nicole anyway. High and paranoid during Bartlett's speech and Aden's heckling, she left and locked the doors. She was wandering around outside in a state of confusion when Kane, Annie and Jai came looking for her. She stepped out. Kane swerved. They crashed into the building and thus, everything went to hell. All because of one confused girl.

She's at risk of facing charges and having a police record but to be honest, I'm not entirely sure what to do with her yet. She's messed up and I think she needs a lot of counselling. Between being raped by that boy and the awful parenting she had from her mother, it's no wonder really. She put all her love and hope into Geoff and, through no real fault of his own, he let her down.

I can understand her more than I'd like to. But that doesn't mean I can excuse what she did. She caused a huge accident and she took illegal drugs. People could have died. People nearly _did_ die. It was touch and go with Kane and I personally could have perished trying to save him. A lot of people could have been lost and it was pure luck that there were no fatalities that night, well, no fatalities connected to the crash. Jack is another story. She caused the accident and she needs to take responsibility. But I can't help empathising. I know what it's like to feel so lost. It hurts so much that you hardly know what you're doing. And it stays with you forever.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 16<strong>**th**** December**

**20:03**

**Home**

It was another particularly long day at work. Martin Bartlett showed up in the afternoon to put in a good word for Melody. He's suspended her because he had to but says that really, she is a good girl who is suffering terribly.

He wasn't telling me anything I don't already know. I want to go as easy on her as I can. But things are only in my hands to a degree. I can't control the court if it gets that far. I can only help her so much. But I do want to help her. By the sounds of things, she's having a pretty bad time.

Ruby said that Annie and Jai are particularly disappointed in her. I'm not surprised. They put their lives at risk because of her bad behaviour. And apparently it all kicked off over at Roman's place today. Melody showed up to ask after Belle, who is in a pretty bad way. Aden let her in and tried to reassure her. I guess he feels connected to her from their time in the clinic. And he knows what it's like to make mistakes when you're hurting from unbelievable pain. He's been abused. She's been abused. I've been abused. I get it. I struggle not to have that compassion.

Nicole and Geoff showed up though and Nicole let rip. She refuses to forgive her. It's such a big thing to get your head around. She was behaving that way because she was hurting, and not just because Geoff didn't want to be with her, but from all that had happened before. But people almost died. Nicole almost died. She's entitled to be angry about the whole thing, isn't she?

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 17<strong>**th**** December**

**12:31**

**The Beach**

This lead up to Christmas officially sucks. We should all be thinking about food and booze, decorations and family. But not only is this the first Christmas without Mum, now all of this horror has happened. Jack is dead, Belle looks like a ghost, Dad is sick, Martha is mourning, Angelo really isn't himself... And most importantly, Ruby is very shaken. I'm so worried about her. I texted her earlier and when I finish my shift at four, I'm taking her out to dinner for a proper chat. I don't know if I can make things better for her, but I do know that I can try.

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 18<strong>**th**** December**

**21:23**

**Home**

I finished work yesterday and Rubes and I headed straight out for an early dinner. We stayed at the restaurant pretty much all evening and talked about everything. She told me how afraid she is of death and not being able to cope with it. We've already lost Mum and Dad is never going to get better. Now Jack has been shot and left for dead and it feels like nobody in this town can breathe.

She admitted that she's scared of losing me and elaborated on her fears when I do night shifts. She said she cried for the whole time I was working at the formal disaster. I felt so bad that for a fraction of a second, I considered leaving the force and getting a safer job.

I don't want to, obviously. Being a police officer is my vocation. I love it. But I love Ruby more and if she really did ask that of me, I would. I hate to think of her so fretful. But I did everything I could to reassure her that I would always take the most care and be as safe as possible.

The girl I keep seeing on the beach was working behind the bar at the restaurant. I didn't speak to her but it's funny that she keeps popping up all over the place. Why do I keep noticing her?

Anyway, Ruby and I had a nice evening and I hope I was of some comfort. I can't promise her that I won't get hurt. Losing Jack is pretty much proof that anything can happen. But I will always try my best to stay safe and I will always do that for her. I want to come home and see her every day. I want to look after her. I want to be her friend, her guardian and her sister, if I can be nothing else.

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 19<strong>**th**** December**

**20:11**

**Home**

We're not charging Melody. It was half my decision and half the powers that be. I know she broke the law. She did something very stupid and it nearly cost people their lives. But sometimes, prosecution just isn't the answer. The world and the things in it aren't black and white. She needs help, not punishment. She wouldn't last five minutes in jail and it would only serve to screw her up more.

We called Bartlett in to tell him and I was going to go round to see her but he said he'd pass the message on. I'll call tomorrow to make sure he has. He said he's going to ask her to leave school and said he was concerned about Miles' ability to parent her and that he would be contacting social services. I don't think that's fair. Miles has done his best for her, like he has with Jai. I mean, Jai had problems earlier this year but he's resolving them now. Miles is doing a good job. It's not fair to blame him.

But it's not my call and I am trying hard not to interfere in things that aren't anything to do with me. But I like Miles and I do think he's tried his best. And it can't have been easy for him, what with everything that's been going on with Kirsty. By all accounts, she is still spending every day at the hospital with Kane and nobody knows quite where she stands when it comes to her husband and her boyfriend.

I went to the Diner with Angelo for lunch. He still seems really down and is struggling to concentrate. It's like he drifts off during conversations and loses his train of thought. I didn't even realise he and Jack were that close. I mean, I know they were mates but Jack was more than a little pissed off with Angelo about the whole development site thing. He didn't even want to work with the guy. Maybe Angelo feels guilty about that? That he never got to make amends or something? Or maybe he didn't realise that there was a problem. I don't know. But I'm worried about him.

Irene took me to one side to ask me about the investigation but I didn't have a lot to say. I wish I _had_ more to say. I wish I had some answers, especially for poor Martha. She's so broken. I went round this evening after work, just to let her know I was there if she needed anything and to let her know that I care. It probably doesn't help but at least I feel like I have done my bit.

But anyway, Irene said that Belle had ended up back in hospital and was very reluctant to leave. She's got it into her head that Tim is after her and thinks that he killed Jack. Maybe he did. He died on the development site after all. But who knows? He's disappeared. We're working all hours to try and find him but we've not come up with much so far. I'd assume he's guilty. Why would he disappear otherwise?

Anyway, I tried to reassure Irene for Belle's sake but there's not a whole lot I could say. It could have been Tim. All I can suggest is that it's unlikely he'd come after Belle now. It's too risky and he's got too much to lose. I imagine he's gone underground and it'll be difficult to track him and bring him to justice. That's obviously not good but it would hopefully mean that people such as Belle are no longer in danger.

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 20<strong>**th**** December**

**23:58**

**Home**

I took Ruby to the City to see Dad and Morag. We're heading over for Christmas anyway but I had two surprising days off so I thought I would take advantage. It was good to get away from the Bay – for both of us. I think Ruby appreciated it.

Morag is obviously very close to Martha and we talked about Jack a lot. She's wanted to come and visit but Dad has been really bad. It was kind of like Ruby and I went from one set of pain to another. Dad is struggling with his memory more and more every day. He called Morag by Mum's name and he had a few conversations with Ruby and I as if we were kids. That was kind of scary. I was afraid that he would spill the beans and tell the truth about Ruby but thankfully he didn't. That really is the very last thing we need right now. I feel sick just thinking about it.

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Charlie spends the night with Angelo again before celebrating Christmas with her family…<em>


	30. Chapter 30

**Chapter Thirty**

**Monday 22****nd**** December**

**18:10**

**Home**

I'm glad to be working lighter hours this week. And I managed to get time off from Christmas Eve to the 30th off. I'm not sure what kind of Christmas this is going to turn out to be but I think it's important to make the best of it. So many things have happened recently and so many people have lost so much. I miss Jack and I miss Mum even more but I am grateful for everything I do have.

I have my own health, I have Ruby, I live in a nice house in a nice town, I have a good job and therefore I have a lot to be thankful for. Of course, what I don't have is time for Christmas shopping. I'm going to have to head out on Christmas Eve in order to tackle present buying. This is not going to be fun!

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 23<strong>**rd**** December**

**18:01**

**Home**

I went on patrol with Angelo for most of the day today. The atmosphere of the whole station is still very subdued. It's like we're all living in this horrible nightmare and everyone is too afraid to crack a smile or to laugh. It feels disrespectful somehow.

But nobody seems worse than Angelo. That was half the reason I took him out on patrol with me. I wanted to make sure he was okay. He didn't talk a whole lot about what was going on with him but I hope I helped by offering a listening ear. He seems so lost and so broken. I feel so sorry for him.

Before we left work, he approached and asked me round for dinner. I'm not entirely sure what he's expecting but it's been a while since we spent personal time together so I will go with an open mind. I'm still not entirely sure where we stand with each other. We're not dating by any stretch of the imagination but we're close and we care about each other and I guess I'm starting to hope that it might turn into something special. But who knows?

We haven't even had Jack's funeral yet. I think that needs to happen before anyone can even think about getting on with their lives. I don't know if some of us ever truly will.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 24<strong>**th**** December**

**22:19**

**Dad and Morag's House**

Well, I went round to Angelo's. He cooked me dinner and we had a bottle of wine between us. It wasn't the merriment that we usually enjoy but it was nice and I think he appreciated the company.

We talked a lot and he said he felt guilty, which is crazy. How could he have done anything to save Jack? It's not like he was there. Nobody was. Nobody but the murderer anyway. I am very much looking forward to catching the bastard.

We still can't find Tim. There has been some speculation that he's gone off somewhere for the holidays but I don't buy it. I've never been one for believing in coincidences.

Anyway, I spent the night with Angelo. It was nice. It lacked the kind of passion that we've shared during previous encounters but it was nice. It was quick. It's always quick but he paid a lot of attention to me and I felt very cared about. Almost loved. Is that weird? We're not in love. But I like that there is a connection between us.

He made me breakfast this morning, which was nice and then he went into work and I attempted to tackle my Christmas shopping. It was fairly horrendous but I was up and out early and I like to think I missed at least some of the rush.

The only gift I'd got in advance was a hand crafted photo album for Dad. I've spent several evenings going through the few photos I have and put them all in chronological order. It will help him hold onto his memories, according to a website I was researching on. And I thought it would be something he'd appreciate.

I got Morag a DVD of _Casablanca_. Last time we visited, she mentioned randomly that it was her favourite film but that she'd never got around to buying it on DVD. I know we haven't had the best of relationships but I do think a lot of her now and I hope she likes it.

I got Leah a cookery book that specialises in puddings as she told me she wanted to extend her repertoire. And she'd given me instructions to get some action hero figure for VJ. I left the presents wrapped up under the tree for the before we left.

I popped into work to give Watson her gift. I don't know her that well but I think a lot of her and she gave me a present yesterday. I just got her some toiletries. I hope that's okay.

I bought Angelo some cufflinks. We've got to go to the funeral in our special uniforms and he said he didn't have any to go with his suit. He'd lost the ones his parents gave him when he graduated from police academy.

I felt a little awkward buying a present for Martha but I did it anyway. I mean, what do you buy a woman who's just become a widow? I opted for a foot spa and I left it with Alf. Martha wouldn't come out of her room. I hope she isn't offended or something. I just wanted to do something nice for her at such a difficult time.

Oh, and I got Auntie Michelle a picture frame. She's coming to spend Christmas with us tomorrow, which will be good.

I would say what I got Ruby but we have to share a bed at Dad and Morag's house and she is very eagerly peering over my shoulder and whinging at me for a hint. So, I shall say goodnight and Merry Christmas and stop writing until tomorrow!

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 25<strong>**th**** December**

**23:44**

**Dad and Morag's House**

We had a lovely Christmas Day together... considering. It was all about family and it was nice. In the morning, Dad, Ruby and I headed to the cemetery to lay flowers on Mum's grave and we shared time together there and private time talking to her.

I wonder if she can hear us. I like to think she can. I like to think she's watching us and I hope she is proud. I think, despite my initial reservations, she'd be glad to see Dad happy with Morag, especially as he is so unwell and deteriorating faster than any of us can admit. I don't know if she would be proud of me but I think she'd be smiling down on Ruby. That girl has turned into a beautiful young woman and I for one am really proud of her. She's incredible. I love her so much. If I didn't know that it would destroy our whole relationship, I would love to tell her exactly what she means to me.

Anyway, when we came back from the cemetery, Morag had cooked us a light but delicious breakfast. We ate together and then Ruby couldn't stand the suspense anymore and we did presents.

Morag liked my gift and Dad cried over his. I'm taking that as a good sign! And Ruby was really thrilled with her presents. I'd bought her the debut album from that Katy Perry – the one who's been outraging people by singing about kissing girls and liking it! I'm not entirely sure why Rubes is such a fan but I'll go with it! I got her some make up and some of the books on her school list, plus the whole ten series of _Friends _on DVD. And as an extra treat, I bought her two tickets to see _Wicked _next month. She was so excited that she literally knocked me over while she squealed her gratitude. It made me feel good. I love making her happy. Splashing out for her birthday and Christmas and stuff makes me feel like a Mum. I know I can never be that person to her, the person I want to be but I will take what I can get.

Auntie Michelle arrived at lunch time and we all ate and drank together as a family. We let Ruby have a few cheeky glasses of wine and she got very cute and merry. It was a nice day. I feel bad having a good time when I know Martha and the rest of Jack's family are suffering so much but I suppose it won't do anyone any good if we're all miserable and not trying to find some joy in life.

Watson sent me a text to say thank you for the gift and Rubes and I spoke to Leah and VJ too. Angelo called about an hour ago and thanked me for the cufflinks. He'd bought me some perfume, which was really sweet of him. It's not a very nice smell and not the kind of thing I'd wear but it's the thought that counts.

Leah had sent Ruby and I away with our presents. She and VJ had got me my own thermos so I can take hot coffee round with me everywhere I go! Not that I'm a caffeine fiend or anything! And they'd got Ruby loads of new stationary and stuff for school. Dad and Morag got me some lovely thriller novels, one of which I've already started because it looked so good and they got Ruby an excessively large number of clothes shop vouchers. She'll have a ball with them!

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 26<strong>**th**** December**

**14:30**

**Dad and Morag's House**

I had a really nice chill out day today. I had a nice lie in, despite Ruby poking me and trying to get me up. I'm currently still in my pyjamas and I've almost finished one of the books Dad and Morag gave me yesterday. Now, I'm considering showering, dressing and taking Ruby out for a walk. That makes her sound like a dog! I didn't mean it like that! But she says she wants to get out of the house, give Dad and Morag some alone time and get some fresh air. I think walking off all that food yesterday sounds like a fantastic idea. And spending time with my Ruby is always wonderful.

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Charlie figures out who killed Jack…<em>


	31. Chapter 31

_Sorry this chapter is so short. I wanted to round of 2008 before we get into 2009. But the next chapter is a pretty decent size so I hope you forgive me! Love, IJKS xxx_

**Chapter Thirty One**

**Monday 29****th**** December**

**22:12**

**Dad and Morag's House**

Ruby and I surprised Dad and Morag with a day trip today. It was nothing too heavy because Dad obviously isn't very well right now but we took a stroll through the park and then I treated everyone to dinner. It was our last night, after all and I wanted it to be special. So did Ruby. I guess we've come a long way from the time that I couldn't keep a civil tongue in my head whenever Morag was around. I feel kind of bad that I was mean to her but I hope she understands that I was just trying to protect my family.

It was nice to see Ruby so happy too. She's been pretty shaken up by everything that happened back in the Bay. Everyone is. If I'm really honest, I am too. Losing Jack has been so hard and I have no idea how to make it better for anyone. But my priority has to be Ruby. I have to take care of her, no matter what. I love her so much. All I want to do is be the best that I can be for her.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 30<strong>**th**** December**

**23:09**

**Home**

Fuck. That's all I can think to say. It's not poetic. It's not intelligence. But... fuck. I can hardly believe what's happened. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 31<strong>**st**** December**

**02:41**

**Home**

Well, I guess I'd better explain my last entry. It's hard. My head is just spinning. I have no idea what the hell I'm meant to do. I think Angelo is a killer. I think he is Jack's killer. What the fuck am I meant to do?

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Angelo is arrested for Jack's murder, Belle struggles to cope and Charlie notices Joey once again…<em>


	32. Chapter 32

**Chapter Thirty Two**

**Thursday 1****st**** January 2009**

**07:38**

**Home**

Well, I haven't actually been to bed yet. Pretty much as soon as I returned from the city, I was back at work and when I haven't been working, I've been panicking. I'm pleased with myself for not reacting and jumping into the deep end immediately though. I need to bide my time with this. I cannot get a single thing wrong or so many people are going to be hurt.

When Rubes and I got back from the city – a place which now feels like a distant memory – Angelo called and invited me round. I checked it was okay with Ruby first and she assured me it was fine so I went over to his apartment. We got takeaway and spent a nice evening together. I feel like an idiot now, of course. Or worse. I had sex with a murderer. I've hit a lot of lows in my life, but this has got to be up there with the worst.

The next morning, I went into work for the first time. I was informed that we could hand Jack's stuff back so I called Tony to let him know. I was surprised that he showed up by himself. I would have thought he'd want someone like Rachel or even Alf to support him. But I guess nobody can really tell what someone will do when they are grieving. Anyway, Jack's gun is still missing and my boss had gone into the city to investigate things further. But I handed the rest of his stuff back and I told him that Jack's killer wouldn't escape justice. It seems so unreal now that I think I know who that killer is. How could it be Angelo? I mean, all the evidence is pointing that way but... This whole thing has blown my mind.

I thought I was making progress with the case when we finally managed to track Tim down. He was cocky and self-assured, insisting that he knew nothing about the hitman that attacked Angelo or about Jack being shot. I asked him a tonne of questions – assuming he was the guilty party – about Murray, and why he had fired a good worker like Aden from the development site. He just said it was staff cuts but I still don't think he's clean.

Whether Angelo shot Jack or not, Tim is definitely dirty and I am determined to prove it. He clearly fired Aden because of Belle and I would be shocked if he hadn't been behind most of all the horror that has happened since Murray first rocked up and told Belle about the health risks associated with the development site. All of that feels like a lifetime ago. He wanted to use his mobile to supposedly to call his lawyer but I took it off him and offered to ring his lawyer on his behalf. He wasn't terribly impressed.

When I had taken a break from busting Tim's balls, I noticed that Angelo was missing. It turns out that on Tony's innocent urging, he went round to see Martha. How sick is that? She was suffering and they all decided that she felt connected to him because he saved her from the fire. How the hell is she going to feel when she realises that she was being consoled by the man who murdered her husband? Losing Jack has been hard enough for everyone but this whole thing is going to get worse. It's going to explode. Everyone had better duck and cover.

At the time though, I was mostly concerned that he thought he could flout the rules and slack off just because we were seeing each other. That all seems pretty inconsequential now, of course.

We headed to the hospital, where Belle has remained on her own demand. They've been trying to get rid of her. Physically, she is well enough to go home but emotionally, she is a total mess. She's scared of her own shadow and to be honest, I wouldn't be surprised if she ended up in some kind of psychiatric care. And there's no shame in that at all, especially after everything she has been through.

She got in deep with the developers. They could have killed her. They tried to on more than one occasion. I can't even begin to imagine how that feels. I mean, I get into extremely risky situations because of my job but that's kind of expected, you know? I don't have a clue what I'd do if I realised someone hated me enough to try and murder me.

We got her statement as best we could. Angelo seemed pretty shaken up by seeing her in such a state but then, who knows what he's really shaken up about? All this time, I've been worrying and fretting about him and all along he was the one responsible for Jack's death. I don't for a minute think he meant to do it. I hope I know him well enough to know it must have been an accident, at least to some degree. But then, who knows? I don't know anything anymore, really.

I got a phone call part way through the interview and when I came back in, it looked like Belle and Angelo were having a bit of a heart to heart, albeit a tense one. I wonder what they said to each other. I guess they've been through a lot together over these last few months.

Back at the station, I wanted to know what was wrong with Angelo. Obviously he didn't tell me. But we got interrupted anyway by Martha and Tony arriving and asking Angelo to do a reading at the funeral. He said no, which I thought at the time was a bit unkind but now it makes sense. Now, it gives me some comfort to know that he doesn't want to play the hero and pretend he's done nothing wrong. I can hardly believe what he _has _done wrong. And I was working with him, hanging out with him, sleeping with him... I feel sick at myself as much as anything else.

Anyway, I approached him again when they'd gone but he was very dismissive of my questions and very keen to shut me out. Watson and I supposed that he, along with everyone else, was taking Jack's death hard.

That's when I started putting the horrible pieces of the jigsaw together. I found Angelo's number in Tim's phone records, suggesting that they knew each other better than either of them had let on. I did some more digging and I found an accidental discharge report that he'd slipped into a file, presumably so that he wouldn't be seen as covering anything up but he clearly wasn't drawing attention to himself. It's clever really – and a little unnerving.

Anyway, I got distracted talking to Watson again and then Angelo called and apologised for being short with me. He invited me round and I went in a bid to figure out what the hell was going on. Ordering a flapping Watson to keep Tim there at all costs, I took his phone and headed round to see Angelo.

I asked him outright about the accidental discharge and he said he was embarrassed about it because it happened when he was cleaning his gun. The plan was that we were going to eat together but first he was going to take a shower. As he headed off to get undressed, I sent him a text from Tim's phone, telling him that I knew who killed Jack. He picked up the message right in front of me and lied to my face over what it was about. He said he might have to go out later.

Things were more than a little awkward during our meal. He was edgy and awkward and did indeed disappear as soon as he could, presumably to meet 'Tim'. I was sitting there with 'murderer' screaming through my head.

I went back to the station and managed to invent a good few things to keep Tim in custody with. I actually excelled myself and I'm pretty proud that it's now Thursday and he's still locked up. It's the best place for him, as far as I'm concerned.

I worked all day yesterday and spent most of my time trying to get the truth out of him. I needed him to rat Angelo out but he was adamant that he wouldn't talk. I wound him us as best I could – something I'm not sure I'm proud of or not – but he's too clever. He knows what he's doing.

I'm just grateful that Angelo hasn't been on the rota for the past couple of days so he has no idea Tim is in custody. I'm definitely working just outside the lines of legal policing but if I'm going to get justice for Jack, I think it's worth it. And it's not like I'm doing anything horrific (I hope). I've just told a few untruths. That's okay, isn't it?

Last night, Ruby and I spent New Year together. Angelo asked if I wanted to go down to the Surf Club with him but he's pretty much the last person I want to spend time with if I can help it. No, it was really nice, after everything that's happened, to spend a quiet and peaceful New Year with my beloved Ruby. We ate junk food, listened to music, danced around the living room and talked until the early hours.

But it's too late to try and get some sleep so I figured I may as well write, catch myself up and then try to face the day. I'm exhausted already. Happy New Year.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 4<strong>**th**** January**

**10:31**

**The Beach**

I'm sitting on the beach, basking in sunshine that seems inappropriate for what has happened over the last month. I'm listening the waves and I'm watching that beautiful girl surfing. She's not bad. I mean, I'm not a surfer myself so I can't exactly tell, but she doesn't fall off very much and she approaches with a mix of joy and concentration. I'm finding a lot of peace in watching her, as I try to figure everything out.

On Friday, various members of Jack's family began arriving for the funeral, which was yesterday, including that Xavier boy and his mother, Gina. Tony has been unable to get in touch with Lucas, who apparently didn't even call on Christmas Day, so he didn't even make it to his own brother's funeral. That is really sad. I tried to contact him on the family's behalf but I didn't have any luck. Morag came without Dad, who has worsened since we saw him last week. Last week seems so long ago. I want to get back to the city to see him and let him know just how much I love him, as soon as I can.

Ruby was pleased at first to find Xavier was back in town but she said that he was pretty cold with her the first time she bumped into him. She's been not so secretly pining for him since he left and she's been hurting that he hasn't been in touch.

With Tim still in custody, I had retained hold of his phone. Watson was just about reaching breaking point, unable to keep him any longer but I told her that I was happy to let him go. As I released him, I told him that I didn't think he'd killed Jack, but that I believed he knew who did. He said I was half right but, as I suspected, refused to tell me anything.

I kept his phone. He pointed out it was illegal but I told him I didn't care. Then I went into my office and texted Angelo as 'Tim' again, demanding money in exchange for my silence. I sound like a terribly bent cop right about now, weaving that tangled web around me but what could I do? I had a killer in my midst and I had to catch him, no matter who he was.

In the end, I called Watson into my office and I told her everything. Angelo texted back and we arranged a drop. Watson and I waited in the car for him, which Ruby nearly got caught up in when she wandered along, upset about Xavier, and wanted to pour her heart out to me.

Ever cautious, Angelo asked 'Tim' to show himself first so we ended up having to cancel the drop. Watson and I were both pretty frustrated but when we got back to the station, we arranged another drop for the next morning, the day of the funeral, at a place of Angelo's choosing.

However, in the meantime, Martha came to see me. She had braced herself to go through some of Jack's stuff and encountered a notebook nobody knew he'd been writing in. It logged his every suspicion about Angelo, only backing up my theory that he died at the hands of my 'boyfriend'.

I feel so sick that I ever looked twice at him, that I let him touch me, that we kissed, had sex and spent nights together. And he knows that, I hope. Anyway, I made the decision, bearing in mind that Martha was now suspicious of Angelo too, to tell her what I feared.

Quite rightly, Martha wanted to jump in and arrest him but I just about managed to convince her to hold back and let me handle it. We needed to catch him out rather than be upfront about things. She very reluctantly agreed but right now, I feel like I have let her down. I _have _let her down.

I'd arranged to meet Ruby at the beach in a bid to get rid of her and keep her safe earlier but I ended up having to stand her up because of everything going on with work. She told me when I finally got home yesterday morning that she'd bumped into Xavier, who had been in a very strange mood. I feel really sorry for her. She's feeling pretty let down by the boy that seemed really keen on her when he was last here.

I ended up working until nearly midnight with Watson. She is a very good partner when it comes to this kind of thing and a commendation will definitely go on her file if I have anything to do with it. She works so hard and she's very bright and full of ideas, without trying to take over.

We were just about to call it a night when Angelo called me and asked me to come over. I automatically said I couldn't but he sounded very desperate. Watson was worried that he was onto me but I decided to take the risk. I was still hoping at that point that we could do this the easy way. It would obviously look better to get a voluntary confession as opposed to catching him out.

I went over and found him pissed as a fart in his apartment. He was also horny. I could barely look at him, let alone touch him. I tried to ask him questions because he'd said he needed to talk but he told me not to worry because it was all over now, promising to talk in the morning. Then he fell asleep.

I slept very reluctantly in bed with him but I couldn't bear to get close enough to feel any body heat. The man that I adored so much only a few days ago, now makes my skin crawl. And I feel so guilty because if only I had listened to Jack when he was alive and shouting his suspicions about Angelo, perhaps none of this would have happened. Perhaps if I'd have handled things differently, Angelo might not be a murderer and Jack might not be dead.

I barely slept all night and I kept waking up and squirming away from him every time he got too close. As soon as it was a decent hour, I was up and out of bed. It felt so wrong to wake up in bed with him on any day but especially on the day of Jack's funeral.

He woke up a little later and came to join me in the kitchen, full of apologies for being drunk and selfish. I gave him yet another chance to talk but he didn't want to and said he had to go round and see Martha.

It turns out that what set him off last night was the Alf, worried about Martha, had called and asked him to be at the house with her in the morning. I objected as much as I could without letting him know I was onto him. He kissed me goodbye. I felt sick.

I headed into work and, unsurprisingly, it wasn't long before Martha showed up in a complete state. She told me she couldn't pretend and I felt terrible convincing her to try. She ran out in a state and I think it was touch and go whether she was going to come to the funeral at all for a while there. But what do you prioritise first? A widow's grief or a victim's justice? It was just an impossible situation.

On top of everything else that had already happened, we got a call to say that Fitzy had gone into labour so Alf ended up asking Angelo to do the speech she was meant to be delivering. Then we all had to troop to the funeral.

We were all in our smart uniforms and I stopped off at the house to bring Ruby with me, wanting to look after her as best I could. The service was painful. I mean, of course it was going to be painful. But it was a million times worse, standing there amongst the mourners, knowing that Jack's killer was in our midst.

He delivered his speech and he was pretty emotional about it. Roman was stuck to Martha like glue. I'd like to think the best of him and think he was just being a friend but the fact that he snapped at me for apparently glaring at him, suggests he had a guilty conscience.

Honestly, Roman Harris is the last thing on my mind right now! My heart was breaking so much for Martha, having to stand there at her husband's funeral, knowing that the man helping to lead the service was the same man who had put him in the ground. He shot him and he left him to die.

Some guy showed up to the funeral at the last minute. His name is Hugo Austin – he's Xavier's older brother and Jack's cousin. Apparently he and Jack were very close. Xavier certainly didn't seem pleased to see him. I believe he's been living abroad or something but to be honest, I don't care. I have enough on my plate without caring about Ruby's fling's brother's problems.

For her part, Ruby hardly took her eyes off Xavier. I hope, if he sticks around the Bay, he doesn't mess her around. But more than that, I confess I kind of hope he disappears again. I don't like the idea of my girl seeing someone who's been involved in drugs. And who hasn't cared enough to answer the emails or texts she has sent him.

Anyway, most of the mourners went back to Jack and Martha's house for the wake. The Diner had done the catering for free. Watson and I sloped off to make the drop and catch Angelo in the act. It went wrong, of course. Tim appeared, which I doubt was a coincidence. We tackled him so that Angelo didn't spot him but the plan had already been foiled. Angelo raced off.

We caught up with him at the wake, just as Tony accused him of murder and attacked him, before Angelo broke down and confessed everything. Apparently, when Martha had seen him, she'd hurried into her room in a state. Tony had followed and she'd told him everything she knew. It was an awful scene.

We carted Angelo to the station and he told us the full story from start to finish. He got caught up in the development site a long while ago, delving deeper and deeper into the murky dealings that were going on, but only because he was trying to catch them out and bring them to justice.

He broke down and confessed that he'd got more involved with Tim than he'd meant to and everything had got very complicated, especially when Tim had got Nobby to confess to attacking Belle. Nobby is still currently missing.

He'd arranged to meet Tim, after the hitman incident and he'd been scared and alone in the dark. He'd heard some shots fired and, in fear for his life, he'd also fired. What he hadn't realised was that the rustling noise he'd heard, the thing he'd sort of aimed at, had been Jack, who had followed him, suspicious of what he was up to. Watson had already mentioned that Jack had been getting obsessive about the development site that evening but that she'd assumed, when he left the station, that he had gone home. We all wish he had.

Anyway, we formally charged Angelo with killing Jack and he's now languishing in custody. I am grateful for a day off. I need a rest. I can hardly bear what poor Martha went through yesterday. Losing the person you love is hell enough but to have endured his funeral with his killer there, was awful and I don't think I will ever forgive myself for making her do it.

And I both hate and feel sorry for Angelo for what he's done. I know he didn't mean to. But he's spent weeks lying and covering his mistakes up. He's not the person I thought he was. He told me that he would always treasure the time he and I had together.

I feel disgusted by the time we had together. Perhaps once upon a time, we could have worked but he's a stranger to me now. He's not the funny, cheeky, charming man I was growing so fond of. He's someone else entirely.

Well, I have been writing for a while and I think my hand is going to fall off! But I'm glad to have got everything down and things do feel a little clearer in my head.

The girl has finished surfing and now she's walking up the beach. She really is beautiful. I don't know why I feel so connected to her. I don't know her name or anything about her. But she's beautiful and today, she's made me feel peaceful. The world is going crazy and yet this girl can still find time to enjoy the waves and the water and the sorrow surrounding this town. It gives me hope. She also has a beautiful smile.

* * *

><p><em>Next time… The police are under pressure to explain Jack's death and Angelo is denied bail while Charlie falls out with Roman and Aden…<em>


	33. Chapter 33

**Chapter Thirty Three**

**Monday 5****th**** January**

**20:28**

**Home**

It was another long day at work. Angelo had his bail hearing and they've refused him so he was shipped off to prison, at least temporarily. I feel sad for him – not that I don't think he should be punished for what he's done, but because I feel terrible than any of this has happened.

I don't know if I'm making much sense and I don't think I could actually articulate it to another person but... this whole thing is a tragedy. Including the fact that it was Angelo who pulled the trigger. It wasn't planned. It wasn't murder, although due to the fact that he just left him there like that, that's what he's being tried for. He didn't mean to do it. I honestly think that. And I wish... I wish it hadn't been him. Not for any kind of romantic reason. I don't think I could ever be with someone who has done what he's done. But because I believe deep down that Angelo is a good man who got out of his depth. But that doesn't take away the pain of losing Jack. So his crime can't be forgiven. And justice means that he has to be punished.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 6<strong>**th**** January**

**22:31**

**Home**

I had a somewhat easier day at work, although the station's atmosphere had just got worse rather than better. Now we all have to deal with the fact that not only is one of our colleagues dead, but another one of our colleagues killed him. It's kind of hard to take. I spent a lot of time out on patrol with Watson and we had a nice chance to talk. We're both feeling pretty lost about the whole thing.

I came home and ended up taking Ruby out to dinner. We went to the same place that that girl was working in. She was on duty behind the bar. I think if I spoke to her now, it would officially make me a stalker though so I will stay away! I still don't quite understand why I'm so fascinated. I don't even know her.

But anyway, Ruby has been feeling a little down. On the one hand, Xavier says he's not really grieving for Jack because he didn't really know him, which is fair enough. But on the other hand, Ruby is finding him completely unreachable. He's kind of floating around town and, knowing they have precious little time together, he's ignoring her. She's feeling pretty hurt by the whole thing. I don't blame her. But I also don't feel that bad about it. He flew into town and started selling pot. I do not find it a coincidence that Melody was stoned when she stepped out in front of Kane's car. Obviously I can't prove anything but I'd bet my job on the drugs tracing their way back to him. And that's not the kind of boy I want my Ruby involved with. But of course, I haven't said that to her.

We had a nice evening together and if I have a New Year's resolution, it's to maintain our relationship. I mean, it might not exactly be the one I crave but it's good enough for me. If get to be her sister and her guardian and her friend, I'm happy. And I am so damn proud of the person she is becoming.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 7<strong>**th**** January**

**21:09**

**Home**

Xavier and his family left the Bay today. Ruby is upset and she doesn't know if she will ever see him again. Is it wrong that I hope she won't? I just think he's trouble and I don't want her to get mixed up in that kind of thing. She's young and impressionable and I admit that I am fiercely protective.

I caught sight of Martha walking along the beach today looking sad. How do you get over losing the love of your life? Especially in that kind of way.

And I heard that Belle has finally gone back to Irene's. The fear in her eyes when I spoke to her last week... was it really only last week? Well, that still haunts me. Especially considering I was standing there interviewing her with a murderer. The truth about Angelo is pretty much calling everything I thought I knew into question. It's scary.

Everyone in the Bay is talking about what happened. I've been avoiding the Diner and such places because I'm sick of all the questions and accusations but I know I have to deal with them sometime. I haven't been able to look any of Jack's family in the eye. The whole thing just makes me feel sick.

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 8<strong>**th**** January**

**13:04**

**The Beach**

I finally ventured into sociable spaces today and it was pretty hard. I got bombarded with questions and criticisms. I'm just glad it's not common knowledge that poor Martha had to get through the funeral knowing that Angelo was the killer. Well, everyone does know that but not that it was me who convinced her to do it. I think I'd be hung, drawn and quartered for that.

But we've been fielding calls and complaints about corrupt officers and the powers that be are threatening an internal investigation into how the case was handled. We're certainly going to cut a lot of flack for it. And I feel so bad for my colleagues. This is Angelo's mess. And they're the ones paying for it. I know he's paying for it too but... well, nobody else should have to.

Anyway, by the time I'd ordered my food, I'd been hassled by Colleen that much that I ended up asking for take away and here I am. And here that girl is too. She looks unhappy. I hope she's okay.

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 9<strong>**th**** January**

**21:10**

**Home**

Ruby collared me tonight and forced me to talk about Angelo and Jack and everything. I've been holding it in. Even when we went out for our meal the other night, I was careful to talk about her and about Xavier and all that stuff. I haven't really been able to voice my feelings about Angelo and what he's done, bearing in mind that it's now common knowledge that he and I had started seeing each other.

Anyway, I wasn't terribly forthcoming but I did talk a little bit about it with her. I said I was torn between wanting to believe in him and hating him. I said I feel disgusting to have been seeing him when it turned out he was a killer. And I said I'd never forgive myself for dragging Martha into the whole mess of trying to catch him. It helped. Ruby is a good listener. I'm very lucky to have her.

By the end of the discussion, we both decided that we needed to have a break. I have one more day left of work tomorrow and then she and I are going back to the city for a whole week. Dad and Morag will either feel very lucky or unlucky to get to see so much of us lately!

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 11<strong>**th**** January**

**19:03**

**Home**

Well, I had a horrible day and I'm pretty much desperate to get to the city as soon as possible. If I wasn't so damn tired then I would get in the car now but I know that isn't sensible. So, one more sleep and then Ruby and I can head over and see Dad. It's not that easy to see him so frail but it is really nice to get to spend time with him. I still feel a little nervous about him slipping up and spilling a secret. And he doesn't say anything, but I think he's worried about it too. But it's still so lovely to see him and during the happy moments, it's wonderful to know that he is safe and being taken care of.

The day started okay but didn't quite end up so well. I went to the Diner and Aden was in a bad mood. He took it out on me and said everyone had known Angelo was a bad guy after everything that happened with Belle and killing Jack just proved it. Then he made some derogatory comments about me being a bad judge of character by dating him, pointing out that as a cop, I should have figured the whole thing out sooner.

Roman stepped in and sort of protected me but he made some comment about how I shouldn't have wound up in Angelo's bed. Like it's got anything to do with him! Half the reason Angelo and I slept together the first time was because of Roman dumping me! I was drunk and hurting and then humiliated because it was him who saved my life. I knew Angelo wanted me and I wanted to feel cared for. It was hardly out of attraction or desire really. It was just another one of my spontaneously bad decisions. And we just felt into a pattern after that. Anyway, I snapped something at him about the fact that I do indeed pick shitty boyfriends and then I left.

A few horrible phone calls from an outraged public later, I'd had enough and now I am so glad that Ruby suggested we take off for a bit. I could really use the break. And I know how wonderful she is at cheering me up too.

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Charlie and Ruby visit Ross and Morag and analyse their loves lives…<em>


	34. Chapter 34

**Chapter Thirty Four**

**Monday 12****th**** January**

**17:03**

**Dad and Morag's House**

It's been a nice day. Mostly. I don't know if it's a good or bad thing that we've come when Dad is struggling particularly badly. He's been put on new medication, which is all well and good but it's hard to watch him struggle with the side effects.

He's pretty down right now so Ruby and I are going to spend much of the week waiting on him, and on Morag too. I know they have nurses in every day to help him, but she does a hell of a lot and she deserves a break.

So, tonight, Ruby and I will be cooking up a storm in the kitchen. Hopefully it will taste nice! Neither of us have that much culinary skill. We are good at eating though!

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 13<strong>**th**** January**

**22:22**

**Dad and Morag's House**

We had a pretty long day but it was nice. In the morning, we took Dad and Morag out for a gentle walk in the park. Dad was complaining about not getting out enough. He's still struggling with his medication but we were careful not to tire him out. It was nice just to relax together as a family, although I can't help but miss Mum terribly in moments like these.

We had lunch out and then came back and watched some movies together, including the film I got for Morag for Christmas. It was nice to see her enjoying it.

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 15<strong>**th**** January**

**09:44**

**Dad and Morag's House**

Ruby and I stayed up pretty much all night talking. It was really nice.

We talked a lot about Dad and our fears about losing him. It makes me feel bad though because really, Ruby shouldn't be going through this the way she is. If I'd have been able to step up and be a good mother to her, she would have very different relationships with each of us. Of course she would love Mum and Dad and she'd miss them terribly, but I think losing parents compared to grandparents is a little bit different. I should be Ruby's Mum. But I failed her when she was born and as close as we are, as each day passes, I know I fail her more. And I have no idea how to make things right again.

Anyway, she told me a little more about Xavier. She's still really hurting over his rejection of her. I tried to gently suggest that perhaps his behaviour just indicates that he's not the right boy for her. She said she supposed I was right but admitted that she really, really wanted him to be. She said she's never fallen so head over heels for someone the way she did for him and to not have an answer as to why he went off her, is hard to take.

I get that. I've been there. I mean, I know that Roman just wasn't interested in me. I think he probably never was. But without going down the 'I'm a waste of space' route, I don't know why. I think his feelings for Martha played an important part but still, it makes me wonder what's wrong with me. And to be honest, I really don't need to be asking that kind of question of myself! I'd be here all day.

She asked me about him today, how I was feeling. I think I kind of scared her when we broke up. I just felt so lost. I feel a lot better now but it definitely hurt at the time. And a big part of me was mad at myself for getting so engrossed in a man who, firstly – didn't like me that much and, secondly – I was hardly in love with. I think I tried to convince myself that I was. We pushed past the first few hurdles and then... then it just fell apart.

Ruby asked me about Angelo too. I tentatively explored my feelings, elaborating a little more on what we talked about the other night. I feel bad that I didn't see the signs that my 'boyfriend' (if I can call him that) was a killer. And I'm pretty much sick and tired making the same mistakes over and over again. I fall into bed with people without thinking it through and somehow or other, I always get hurt.

The next time, I start dating someone, I really don't want it to be that way. I want to create something precious with them. I want to think it through. I only want to sleep with them, if I am able to actually make love with them. That's a pretty scary thing, because I've never been in love before.

Sometimes, I wonder if I'm even capable of such an emotion. But I like to think that one day, I could love someone. I like to think that I might fall for them, care about them, treat them well and keep them. I'd like to be with someone that I'd be comfortable holding through the night, or at least letting them hold me. That would be nice. It's not who I am right now but perhaps if I met the right person, I could be. I don't know. It would take a hell of a lot for me to feel that way about someone.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 18<strong>**th**** January**

**14:07**

**Home**

Ruby and I are back home now. I miss Dad already. I hope we'll start visiting more often. When it's weeks apart, I feel like I am letting him down. And he always seems so happy when we show up. I am definitely going to make sure I see him more. It's not always easy, with work and everything. And it's hard to see him in his more stressful moments. But we're going to cope. Together. As a family.

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Charlie closes the formal disaster case, works through Jack's death and spends quality time with Ruby…<em>


	35. Chapter 35

**Chapter Thirty Five**

**Monday 19****th**** January**

**09:31**

**The Beach**

I was up and out early this morning and had a great work out at the gym and now I'm sitting on the beach with a nice smoothie, preparing myself to start work. I've just seen that girl again this morning. She seems to spend a lot of time at the beach. And she always looks so thoughtful. She met up with some girl today, a friend I presume. They don't look similar so they're probably not related.

Today, I've got a lot of work on for the formal disaster case. It's been hanging for a while but we're hoping to close it today. There were obviously a lot of consequences but we're not charging Melody for what she did so we're hoping to wrap it up and let it go.

Kane is still in hospital. He really was injured so badly. I'm just grateful that I was able to get him out before the explosion. I still have the odd nightmare about that. It was a very scary night.

A lot of the residents are still upset by the whole thing, which is understandable. We've had a few calls from high school kids and their parents, wanting us to press charges but I am adamant that it won't help. Melody needs proper support, which I hope she is getting. I should check on that really. But punishment isn't going to do any good.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 20<strong>**th**** January**

**18:01**

**Home**

Yesterday was a pretty long day but the formal case is finally closed. Today, our energies were largely focussed on Jack's death. We went back to the crime scene and found that it had been trashed quite some time ago. It's our fault really because we shouldn't have left it. It's just that we've been lacking man power. We have two officers out forever – Jack and Angelo – and it's been kind of hard to keep up with everything. It's no excuse but that's all I have. Anyway, it was trashed. Fortunately, we had all our evidence already. We gave it another comb and then took the tape and everything down.

Jack's gun is still missing. Angelo swears he doesn't know why. I believe him though. He's lost everything. He's in jail. And from I've heard on the grapevine, he's having a terrible time. I'm torn between feeling compassionate and feeling glad. I don't know. It's all pretty confusing. I don't think it's even so much that he killed Jack although that breaks my heart, especially whenever I catch sight of Martha. But it's the fact that he just left him there. And that he lied about everything.

I wonder if he would have continued lying forever. If hadn't figured it out, I would have potentially been dating a murderer for how long? It makes me ill just thinking about it. To think that I kissed him, slept with him, let him touch me, had breakfast with him in the mornings... Ugh, I can't even bear thinking about it.

Anyway, we did a lot of work on the case today. It's shaping up to be an ugly picture.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 21<strong>**st**** January**

**22:23**

**Home**

Ruby and I went to the movies tonight and it was really nice. I treated her to extra popcorn and a romantic comedy appeared to be exactly what we needed.

It was another hard day at work and I was really pleased when I found Ruby waiting for me, eager to spend the evening together. She really is awesome.

I'm going to take her out to a country park I found on my patrol a few weeks ago. I haven't been in but it looks really pretty and I think she'd enjoy it. I think we'll take a picnic and hang out for the day. I've got the whole weekend off so we can go either on Saturday or Sunday. I'm really looking forward to it.

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 24<strong>**th**** January**

**13:54**

**The Beach**

Ruby and I are going to the country park tomorrow. I'm really looking forward to it. Is that sad? I'm just excited about spending time with her.

She's hanging out with Annie and Jai all day today. I've been working so hard this week, I'm pretty exhausted. So I had a nice lie in and then came for a run on the beach. Then I worked out in the gym and now I'm back on the beach, writing and enjoying the sunshine. I think I'm going to stay here for a while. It's nice and peaceful out here, which is a nice change to all the noise going on in my head. I just can't seem to let anything go.

I wasn't really close to Jack, although I did consider him a friend. I think his death has shaken me up more than I expected it to. And obviously there is the Angelo aspect. That hurts more in a way, because I really was close to him. Intimately so. And there's a lot of hassle being directed at the station for everything that happened. That, plus everything that's happening with Dad... I just want a rest.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 25<strong>**th**** January**

**21:44**

**Home**

Ruby and I had an amazing day. We packed a picnic and went to the country park, which was really beautiful. It was so nice just to hang out all day. We chatted non-stop about all kinds of irrelevant crap and also the more deep and meaningful stuff.

She's decided to forget all about Xavier, which is music to my ears. Let's hope that (if she _has _to date anyone), it will be a nice boy who won't be in any kind of dodgy trouble and won't break her heart.

Hey, you never know, maybe I'll even find someone for me too! I guess I'm a pretty awkward person to date. Maybe that's why I got so attached to Angelo. I knew he liked me a lot but I also knew I had enough power to keep it casual. I really suck at the whole commitment thing so things worked well with Angelo. You know, until he murdered one of our friends.

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Charlie struggles with Angelo's absence, worries about Roman taking advantage of Martha and spend time with Ruby and Ross…<em>


	36. Chapter 36

**Chapter Thirty Six**

**Monday 26****th**** January**

**22:09**

**Home**

Sometimes I feel that life is so stifling I can hardly breathe. It's like a black cloud has descended on Summer Bay and we're not living up to our name. Everything feels so cold and so dark. It's getting so hard to get up every day. I have to go into work amid officers who are all tirelessly continuing in their jobs but there is a hole in our office and it's hard to move on from that.

All this time, we're working without Jack. And it's hard. So many times, I get a case and I think, oh, Jack would be perfect to handle that or to interview that person and then I remember. And on top of that, every day we have to work on his case. We have to go through all the evidence to figure out just how Angelo... our colleague, our friend, my fling, killed him.

There are two holes in the office really. One can never be filled because you can't recover completely from a bereavement. Jack will always be gone. And although it will become easier to deal with in time, it's going to take a while and his murder case has to be long over before we can even begin.

And the other hole in the station is one we dare not talk about. But I confess. I miss Angelo. I miss his cheeky smile and his rude innuendos. I miss the way he made me laugh and I miss talking to him. I miss the man I thought he was.

But I'm not allowed to say that. I've sort of talked about it with Ruby but even then, the fear of judgement is so real that I know I hold back. I don't know. I feel guilty for missing him. But I can't help it. Before all of this, he was a nice guy. I mean, I slept with him. We exchanged Christmas presents. It could have potentially turned into something. Ugh, all of this is too much for me.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 27<strong>**th**** January**

**14:30**

**The Beach**

I got my lunch as a takeaway from the Diner because between Colleen asking three million questions about when I was going to put 'Constable Risotto' behind bars for good, and Roman mooning over Martha, I'd had enough. He makes me sick, to be honest.

And not just because he was my boyfriend once upon a time. And not just because I realise now that all the while he was with me, he wanted to be with her. But it makes me sick because she is a widow. She's had one hell of a year. She's battled cancer, lost her baby and now lost her husband. And she thinks Roman is being there for her out of the goodness of his heart.

But he wants to be Jack's replacement. He wants to be with her. He wants to end up in her bed. And she's oblivious to the whole thing. She thinks he's just being a friend. I can't bear how disingenuous he's being. It makes me sick.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 28<strong>**th**** January**

**23:23**

**Home**

I came home to find Ruby had cooked me dinner, which was a small disaster but a very sweet gesture. We ate the edible bits! And it was nice to spend time with her. It feels like ages since we hung out, even though really it was only on Sunday when we had our lovely day out at the country park I took her to.

The evening turned a little sour though when I got a phone call from an unknown number. It was Angelo, calling from jail. I don't know what he wanted because I hung up on him. He said something about missing me and needing to hear a friendly voice. But I couldn't give him what he wanted so I said nothing and terminated the call.

What could I possibly say to the man who shot a colleague and a friend down and left him there, dead in the dark, all alone? And then lied about it. And continued a 'relationship' with me and comforted Martha when all along, he had shot her husband. I'd like to think I could one day forgive him for what he's done but right now, I just... can't.

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 29<strong>**th**** January**

**11:32**

**The Beach**

I've got a day off today and I'm relieved for the break. I used to live for work but these days, I long for my days off. I need the rest from everything that feels so heavy in the world. Not that it creates much respite really.

When I'm out and about, in or out of uniform, I get bombarded with questions as if it's my fault that Angelo shot Jack or even that Melody locked the kids into the hall and then caused Kane's car to crash into the building. I've done a lot of bad things in my life and while I still regret the way I handled the funeral, Jack's death and the formal accident really weren't my fault.

That girl is out surfing again. I don't understand why I am so obsessed with watching her. She's just... engaging. Maybe I find some kind of solace in her. She's generally always alone and whenever I catch glimpses of her face, she also seems to have a lot on her mind.

I'm very aware that when I'm not working, I spend a lot of time alone. I see Rubes a lot and I do get over to the city a fair bit to see Dad but it's not the same. I don't really have a best friend as such. I have friends, of course, but nobody I'd really say I was _that _close to. Nobody I can confide in, no matter the subject matter.

And I don't have a partner either. I don't think I'm the kind of person who desperately needs a partner as such but sometimes, I think it would be nice to have someone to be close to. Roman was a disaster and Angelo was worse than that. I don't think I can sink much lower in the romance department, can I? I wonder if I will ever fall in love.

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 31<strong>**st**** January**

**22:01**

**Dad and Morag's House**

Ruby and I have made a somewhat spontaneous trip to the city. Morag called to say Martha had phoned her in a state and she needed to come to Summer Bay and be there for her. I wonder if poor Martha has realised that Roman is a bastard? Anyway, I guess that's not my business.

Morag needed to come to Summer Bay but because it's the weekend, Dad's carers aren't around so much so we've done a bit of a swap. Ruby has to go back to school next week so she jumped at the chance to make another visit and I'm always happy to be there for Dad when I can.

He was on pretty good form today, although the deterioration in his mood and faculties was clear by this evening. He struggled a lot. I sent Ruby off to unpack. She finds it hardest when he can't remember who we are or where he is and I feel the need to protect her from that, as well as take care of him. I hope I did a good job tonight. I only ever want to do good for my family.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 1<strong>**st**** February 2009**

**20:26**

**Dad and Morag's House**

We had a mostly good day today, although Dad has said he'd like another consultation with the nurse tomorrow as he feels things are getting worse. I have to get back home by the evening but I have offered to sit in on the appointment with him. Ruby has decided it wouldn't be helpful for her to be there as she feels she would probably be emotional and a hindrance.

So, she's going to go and hang out with some of her old mates while I stay with Dad. And we've arranged that someone from the nursing team will stay over for the night with Dad and there will always be someone to take care of him until Morag gets back which, hopefully will be on Tuesday.

He feels so frustrated by the whole thing and I can't blame him. He was always so independent and in control. This must be one of the hardest things that anyone ever has to face. My poor, poor Dad.

* * *

><p><em>Next time… VJ is abducted, Angelo considers pleading not guilty and Charlie and Miles attempt to find Melody when she runs away…<em>


	37. Chapter 37

_Apologies for how long this chapter is! Love, IJKS xxx_

**Chapter Thirty Seven**

**Tuesday 3****rd**** February**

**23:49**

**Home**

Well, as usual, I arrived back in the Bay and hit the ground running. We got home last night and I pretty much haven't stopped.

VJ was abducted. Jai was babysitting for him and they were playing hide and seek when VJ disappeared. Of course, everyone's first thought was that he had wandered off like he had that day when he got trapped in the storm drain.

That day still gives me shivers. Not really for the near death experience – well, not mine anyway. But the fact that it led to me sleeping with Angelo. Just think of how much horror and guilt I could have been spared if things had just stayed platonic with him. But anyway, he's not worth thinking about. I will have to write about him again by the end of the night but I'm not ready yet. And I was talking about poor VJ anyway.

Once Jai realised that VJ was gone, he raced over to tell Miles what had happened and a search party comprised of Miles, Jai, Melody, Leah and Colleen headed out to go looking. Leah then received a phone call from the abductor – some guy named Brian – demanding $30,000 in exchange for her son and he insisted that he had a police radio and she'd never see VJ again if she contacted the police. I just wish she had called me. I could have helped unofficially. The whole thing was very nearly a disaster.

Anyway, everyone wanted her to call the cops but Leah was adamant that she was going to play it however Brian wanted her too. She ditched Miles, who wanted to come with her to make the drop. Brian wanted her to come alone so she did. Anyway, she was just handing the money over and just about to get VJ back when the police radio sparked to life.

It turns out that Bridget had figured out it was her friend, Brian and she anonymously called the police. Brian raced off with the money and with VJ. Watson was the hero of the hour and she and her team managed to catch him before it was too late.

VJ and Leah were reunited and they dragged Brian into custody, where he sang like a canary. Leah has arranged for VJ to see a counsellor. I hope it helps. He's pretty upset about the whole thing. Even I can tell that and I've only seen him for a few minutes since I got home.

You see, on top of everything that happened, it turns out that Bridget is a con artist. The bank called Leah earlier in the day on Monday about some woman trying to access her bank account. It turns out that it was Bridget and she's been making a fool out of a lot of people for as long as she has been in the Bay. And Rachel knew about it. She's been trying to force Bridget out of town all this time, trying to save poor Alf the embarrassment and hurt of knowing the truth. But it all went pretty wrong.

When everyone was gathered to fuss over VJ and Leah, Alf dropped a necklace that he'd bought for Bridget, meaning to give it to her at the airport. Embarrassed, he gave it to her right there in front of everyone. According to Leah, Rachel just couldn't stand it anymore and forced Bridget to confess that she was a fraud. She'd just about managed to begin explaining herself to Alf when Watson showed up and took her to the station.

Anyway, all of that happened before I arrived back. I'd spent the day with Dad, sitting in on his meeting with his nurse. They're offering some more intensive support for him, which is comforting and I hope I asked the right questions, the ones he doesn't find so easy to voice.

Then Ruby spent some time with him while I got caught up in work. We were so close to closing Jack's case but we met a bit of a hitch over the past couple of days. Angelo's defence team had ordered a walkthrough of the crime scene – _with Angelo_.

It was seriously playing on my mind so I dropped Ruby off at home and then headed right round to Martha's. I apologised for what happened at the funeral. It's still something I don't think I will ever really forgive myself for. Not that there are a lot of things I do forgive myself for. Sometimes I feel like my life has been one big mistake.

But anyway, I'm reporting on events, not my own self hatred. I tried to talk to Martha about what I'd been told earlier in the day but we were interrupted by Roman, who looked like he had very much made himself at home by bringing her dinner. Then Morag phoned her so it really just wasn't the right time, although Martha was sweet enough to invite me round for dinner.

I headed over to the station, even though I was pretty much dead on my feet. I ran into Alf, who was hanging around trying to figure out what on earth was happening with Bridget. By the time I'd got there, the woman was being charged with fraud.

I called home and warned Ruby that I was unlikely to be home before morning. She wasn't impressed but she also wasn't surprised. Then Martha burst in, having apparently heard about Bridget's deception. It seems like she lied about _everything_. All this care and concern and understanding she had for poor Martha, telling her she'd survived cancer, was all a lie. How sick is that? Who would lie about that kind of thing? Anyway, she let rip at Bridget, which I could hardly blame her for. I tried to talk to her about Angelo but she was too wound up.

Well, I got home at around three this morning and then I was up and out by nine. So much for my rest, hey? I'm exhausted and I've barely been home for twenty four hours. I headed round to Martha's place and found Roman half naked. He says he stayed on the couch and I believe him but only because Martha is grieving for Jack – not because Roman is a decent guy and doesn't want to be in her bed. He disgusts me. Sometimes I wonder what I ever even saw in him.

Anyway, despite the company, I had to bite the bullet and tell Martha what was going on. I don't know how she spends her time. It's entirely possible that she could visit the site where Jack died. And I figured it would be awful if she stumbled across the walkthrough unawares and came face to face with the man who killed her husband. She was upset, as expected and then begged me to let her be there. I said no. Roman laid into me and I left. Bastard.

He found me later at work and basically ordered me to let Martha come to the walkthrough – as if that was ever going to be a good idea. We argued a little more. I commented on him staying over and warned him to stay out of this Angelo business. I pointed out that Martha being there would inevitably affect Angelo and therefore the outcome of what the defence were trying to do.

Anyway, I attended the walkthrough. It was hard seeing Angelo again. He looked like the shell of the person he used to be. I miss the person he used to be. We all went through what had happened on that awful night, following his statement and what he remembered. He admitted to firing randomly but didn't see anybody until he found Jack's body.

Unfortunately, Martha burst in on us half way through, screaming and shouting. She was in a terrible state. She called Angelo a liar and told him that he should be dead, not Jack. I had to enlist another officer's help to hold her back. I felt terrible for her. Pain cascaded from her in waves.

But at the same time, Angelo looked utterly heartbroken. Is it wrong that I felt bad for him too? The whole walkthrough was painful for him. I did get pissed off later when he pretty much demanded to be taken back to his cell. I told him to do as he was told.

But the conclusion of the day was that, according to Angelo's evidence, more than two people must have been present that night. And in that case, it's entirely possible that Angelo was not the person who shot Jack. His lawyer then insisted that Angelo change his plea to not guilty. Martha freaked. All I could do was comfort her.

Back at the station, with the whole case opened up again, things were pretty stressful. Tony arrived, demanding to know what was going on. It appears that Martha hurried round to see him and Rachel and break the news about Angelo's change in plea. I couldn't talk to him right there and then, which I felt bad about. I was just too busy and I knew Angelo could appear at any moment, which, of course, he did. Tony flipped. I had to calm him down and explained the possibility that the bullet that killed Jack could have come from another gun – maybe Tim Coleman's. But at that point, there was nothing conclusive to go on.

I went in to interview Angelo. He explained the whole sorry story again and if he was trying to make me feel sorry for him, he failed. He kept going on and on about how if he was guilty, he'd take his punishment and not complain but begged that if there was any hope that he wasn't guilty, please could I find it. I told him that I wanted to find who killed Jack, whether it was him or not. He just looked so pathetic. It annoyed me more than anything. He confessed to killing Jack so he must have believed that it was him. The idea that there was another party there feels like a technicality to me. And Martha is my priority – not Angelo.

We reopened the crime scene in a desperate bid to find the bullet. We'd given up a couple of weeks back because quite frankly, it's a needle in a haystack. With Angelo's confession, we'd believed it was all wrapped up until now.

I headed down to the crime scene in the afternoon and nagged a little but they hadn't found anything. Watson then arrived to tell me that the new soil samples came back positive. There has definitely been toxic waste dumped on site. That can only mean that, as Jack suspected before he died, Angelo had tampered with the samples. And that only makes him look guiltier.

Martha came and found me, wanting to know if I thought Angelo was innocent. I said I didn't know. Because I honestly have no idea. Who am I to say who killed that poor woman's husband?

After that, I was faced with Roman again. He balled me out over what happened and how upset Martha had been. As if it's my fault! We argued. He referred to Angelo as my boyfriend, which made me feel a little sick. I remained adamant that if Angelo is guilty, I want him punished for what he did but Roman was in no mood for listening. He basically accused me of trying to get Angelo of the hook. Is that the kind person he really thinks I am? I'd never do that.

Watson and I headed out to the crime scene again. We'd got the team using a metal detector to try and find the bullet. It was frustrating but nothing was more horrifying than when Watson informed me that Angelo was applying for bail.

Back at the station, Martha asked me about Angelo's bail but what could I tell her? And it's out of my hands anyway. I know she's panicking and I wish I could do more but my hands are tied.

However, they did recover a bullet today. It's being run for tests as I write and by tomorrow, we should know for sure if Angelo killed Jack or if it was some other assailant. I don't even know what answer I want, to be honest. If it was Angelo then at least the whole thing could be wrapped up quickly. He'd go down for murder, justice would be served and we could all try and move on. If it's not him, then the whole thing starts all over again. But then at least my friend would be innocent of a hideous crime.

Anyway, I've spent a lot of time writing about the horrors of this case. There's nothing I can do about it now and I just need to try and switch off. So... I phoned Dad to check that he was alright. He'd had a whole night without any of us there but he assured us that the nurses were doing great. He seemed really happy and it was nice to hear.

Morag, however, was not happy. She charged into the station and I presume she laid into Bridget, who is still in custody. Nobody bothered to try and stop her. I still can't believe that she lied about having cancer and that all along she was trying to fleece Alf. And while she denies any involvement in VJ's abduction, if it hadn't been for her, Brian would never have come to town in the first place.

In other news, Miles is pretty depressed. Leah told me tonight that Kirsty has taken Ollie and upped and left with Kane. I guess it was obvious that she'd do that but it's still a shame. I think Miles really loved her. But if he was only ever going to be second best for her then it's better that he knows before it's too late and he's already too invested. It hurt enough with Roman and we hadn't been together very long. It would have been worse further down the line.

I guess it doesn't help poor Miles that he has to deal with Melody too. The few times I've caught sight of her over the last couple of days, she's looked particularly moody. According to Ruby, there was some altercation at school yesterday. Annie was telling her about Melody showing up in the building when some of the kids were having their counselling sessions about the formal disaster. A few of the kids gave Melody a hard time. I feel sorry for her but I can't blame them either. She nearly got them killed. But Annie and Geoff did what they could to protect her, which I think is nice. They're good kids.

And I heard Irene in the Diner this lunch time expressing concern over Belle. It sounds like she is still in a really bad way. It's been two months since she got hurt but I guess the problems – physical and emotional – are lingering. She's been through a hell of a lot really.

And Aden was in a pretty foul mood when I saw him today. Ruby said something about him getting a job offer on a trawler. But then Nicole interfered and he lost the job before he even started work.

Apparently there was some row because Nicole and Roman think Aden should go to University but he's adamant that he wants to stick around and look after Belle. I think it's sweet and I think he should be allowed to make his own decisions. If he wants to work on a trawler, then he should. It's a good enough career. This whole town thrives on the fishing industry, for goodness sake. People are suited to different things.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 4<strong>**th**** February**

**23:14**

**Home**

It's been another long, emotional, awful day. I'm a wreck. I actually cried tonight. I'm not much of a crier but I just broke down on Leah. Poor woman! She was great though. She really picked me up and put me back together again.

I got up later than I meant to this morning. I was just so wiped out that I could barely lift my headed from the pillow. I got in a little late to work, having pumped myself up on coffee first.

We got the results from the bullet and it's absolutely definite that the bullet from Angelo's gun is the one that ended Jack's life. It was all there in black and white when I arrived, plain for all to see. Angelo killed Jack – no get out clause, no uncertainty. He's guilty as sin.

Watson was pretty sweet. They'd brought Angelo into the station pretty early in order to tell him that he was again being formally charged. I let Watson take the lead. Angelo has this habit of trying to appeal to me somehow and between the stress of the case in general and my sheer exhaustion, I just couldn't take it.

When the time came home for Angelo to be taken back to his cell for good, Watson warned me and suggested that I go home but I refused. I saw him being led out in handcuffs. He looked so sorry for himself and told me that he will suffer whatever consequences will go his way.

Well, good! He killed someone! He should rot in jail. That's what happens to murderers. But I still feel so sad about it. Angelo was my friend. I cared about him. For a moment there, I thought we might even have a future together. And at least part of me didn't want it to be him. And I told him so.

After Angelo was safely out of the way, I went round to break the news to Martha, Tony and Rachel. They were relieved that at least there was some kind of conclusion, although we all know that no amount of justice can bring Jack back. He's left a hole in this town that can never be filled.

Once I'd left the house, I headed down to the beach and stared out at the sea until the sun went down. I just sat there for so long, not thinking and not feeling. I saw that girl. She brightened my day a little. She was swimming in the ocean and she looked so beautiful. And so happy. It's nice that someone in this place is in a good space right now. She looked like she'd had some wonderful news. I almost asked her what it was. But then of course, I remembered that I don't know her and she doesn't know me. But whatever is going on in her life to make her feel good, I hope it stays. It's weird but she's come to mean a lot to me.

I finally trudged home and, like I said, pretty much collapsed on poor Leah. She listened to me for ages and now I am finally in my room, ready to crawl into bed. I just want to sleep forever. I'm utterly exhausted.

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 5<strong>**th**** February**

**22:10**

**Home**

I booked the morning off work and I've just about managed to catch up on my sleep. I'm still a bit tired but at least I am feeling more human now.

I headed out for lunch at the Diner before I started my afternoon shift, which was nice. I caught up with Leah. She told me that things have been kicking off between Nicole and Aden. Apparently they've been at war since she wrecked his job opportunity. But she thinks she's managed to smooth things over now, as she's got the skipper to reconsider and apparently he'll be starting the job soon. He was certainly walking around more cheerfully today when I saw him, which is good.

Speaking of Aden, Belle seems to be in a better space. She had the most moving article printed on the cancer cluster. It was in the paper today and it literally brought me to tears. It was so real and so emotional. Really amazing stuff. Very special. She should be very proud of what she's managed to do here.

And also, randomly, the gossip is that something might be starting between Lou DeBono – the man who owns all the fishing trawlers – and Irene. I don't know how true that it. I heard it from Colleen after all. But I think it would be kind of cute. And Irene definitely deserves some love and romance.

That Xavier boy and his older brother Hugo have arrived in town to live. I got a call from Rachel about ten minutes ago and I am that livid at Ruby over what's happened today that I'm pretty damn close to charging into her room and yelling.

Basically, Ruby and Xavier spent the day together and ended up getting drunk at Tony and Rachel's – where Xavier and Hugo were staying. What makes it even worse than my little baby fifteen year old was getting wasted in the afternoon and making out with some boy, was that they got drunk on a sentimental bottle of champagne.

Rachel was pretty tearful when she explained that Tony had bought it for Jack on his twenty first birthday and the idea had been that they would break it open when the boat that Martha bought Jack, was ready to set sail. And then Ruby and Xavier guzzled it.

I'm absolutely disgusted with her. I thought she was better than that. Firstly, she shouldn't be getting drunk at her age. And secondly, drinking someone's bottle of champagne is pretty much stealing, even if she had intended on replacing it. People generally keep champagne for special occasions, not as motivation to start making out with some skanky teenage boy. Ugh! Seriously, I am this close to laying into her right now!

I doubt it's coincidence that she came home and went to bed before I was due in. That Hugo guy apparently drove her back here. I hope she has enough of a hangover tomorrow to stop her doing something so stupid again. As if that family don't have enough going on right now without Ruby making it worse.

Rachel mentioned in passing that Martha is feeling pretty down and thinks Roman is avoiding her. Poor thing. I knew he was a bastard. Having said that, I'm aware that in recent weeks, I've accused him in this diary of taking advantage so maybe I'm sufficiently annoyed with him that he can't win, no matter what he does.

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 7<strong>**th**** February**

**05:49**

**Aeroplane**

Well, the day hasn't quite gone to plan as usual! I am currently sitting next to Miles on an aeroplane to Melbourne.

Melody has run away from home. Miles was desperate to find her, as you would be and I spontaneously offered to help him. So, now here we are. I just hope we do track her down. It's so scary to be out in the world, young and afraid and alone.

I know Miles was homeless for quite some time before he ended up in Summer Bay and was able to turn his life around. He'd lost his family in the tsunami and he felt like he'd lost everything.

And as for me, well, I only spent two nights on the street but that was quite enough for me. I remember being so scared. Those were the two nights preceding my year long stay with Auntie Michelle. It's not something I've ever talked about. It's not something anyone really knows about me. Dad knows. Michelle knows. I know. And that's it.

Personally, my day started with an altercation with Ruby. I'd got up and into my exercise gear, ready for a workout before I headed to the station. I found Ruby nursing a hangover in the kitchen. I had to tell her off for what she did. It's my duty as her mother, as her sister, as whatever the hell I'm meant to be.

Ruby said that drinking the champagne was her idea and not Xavier's but that doesn't make it better. It's not like her to behave in that kind of way. I can only think that she is trying to impress him. And if that's how he is impressed, then I am not happy about it.

I told her in no uncertain terms that I didn't want her to see him anymore. She typically protested and said that Xavier needs her support. She started going on about how he has taken Jack's death really hard. What a load of bull! She's told me herself that he didn't give a shit because he didn't know him. Well, he missed out. And he's missed out on having Ruby in his life because she is not to go near him again.

Anyway, we argued a bit and I told her somewhat reluctantly about the dope I found on him last time he was here. Ruby said that he never did it in front of her and he never offered it to her either, which I guess is a good thing. But it doesn't mean that I'm changing my mind. Ruby was pretty pissed. She said a few mean things about my life being a mess and then she stormed off. Charming.

I love that girl so much. I'd lay my life down for her. I wonder if she knows how much she hurt me today. I wonder if she cares. I hate the idea that she's turning into a horrible teenager. And it's not something I can especially relate to. When I was fifteen, I could barely leave the house. I was so afraid of my own shadow. And here Ruby is, flaunting herself at Xavier, getting drunk with him and turning on me just because I want the best for her.

Anyway, from what I know from Miles so far, Melody left the house early. She left a note to say goodbye. He, Alf and Jai launched a local search party, along with Geoff. When they couldn't find her around town, they came and spoke to me at the station. I got started right away, even though technically a runaway is a lesser priority to kidnapping or something like that.

But I think it's clear by now that for a girl I've barely met, I have a real soft spot for Melody and I hate to think of how her life has spiralled. From what I can deduce, it was all okay until the night she was raped. Then everything changed and she hasn't been coping since. I'm probably empathising too much but I have to do my best for her.

I started trying to trace her through the bus companies and thought I'd struck gold when I got confirmation that she had booked a ticket from Yabbie Creek. We waited for her but she didn't show up. I wonder if she perhaps saw us there and ran off. I don't know.

I headed to the Diner for a coffee before I knuckled back down to work. Roman served me and I brought up the Martha issue. He was annoyed with me and, as I said yesterday, he knows he can't win. But I tried to be nice and basically said, he shouldn't get inappropriately close but he shouldn't avoid her when she needs him either. I don't know if I made much sense, to be honest.

When I went back to work, I'd got hold of Melody's phone records and I kept Miles informed of everything that was going on but it was hard without proper news. I worked until really late and I was just about the give up the ghost when I got a call to say that a trucker had found Melody hitchhiking. He'd taken her as far as Melbourne and dropped her off when he realised that people were looking for her.

I went round to the house and told Miles, Alf and Jai everything I knew. But we didn't have the manpower to get over there, especially as she left voluntarily. Miles decided to go. And now, here I am, going with him.

I went home to pack and tell Ruby that I was going to Melbourne for a couple of days to try and look for Melody. She was moody and didn't apologise for this morning so I left her to it and asked Leah to keep an eye on her and keep her away from Xavier. Then I swung by Miles' place again and we headed to the airport.

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Charlie and Miles kiss, Melody returns home safe and sound and Freya arrives to steal Xavier back from Ruby…<em>


	38. Chapter 38

_For jensy25 and Blue1927. Love, IJKS xxx_

**Chapter Thirty Eight**

**Monday 9****th**** February**

**22:51**

**Home**

What a hell of a weekend! I just got back from Melbourne tonight – thankfully with both Miles and Melody. She went home with him safe and sound and I hope she can now start to rebuild her life again. She knows once and for all just how much Miles loves her and wants the best for her. I hope so anyway. It's definitely been a hard weekend.

We arrived early in the morning and booked into a hotel. We dumped our stuff, grabbed some coffee and then headed out to try and find her. We didn't have much of a plan but we figured the best thing we could do while we were formulating one was to keep ourselves visible and on the lookout. An ex of mine, Pete, currently works for the Melbourne police force so I called on him to help us.

The first place we hit was an old car park where apparently some kind of food van stops by early in the morning to give leftovers to the street kids. I think that's nice. These kids must rely so much on their wits and on the kindness of strangers. Anyway, we asked around but nobody had seen her. I later found out that this was a lie but I'll get to that shortly.

I spoke to a kid called Archie. He guessed immediately that I was a cop. Am I that obvious? Is that a good or a bad thing! Well, I told him that I was off duty but he still wouldn't give me a clue over Melody.

Miles suggested that we split up in order to cover more ground so I spent most of the day trawling through the streets of Melbourne until Miles and I reconvened at four o'clock.

I went to a refuge and spoke to the guy who runs it. He's another of these people that the street kids rely on. He only has a capacity to house ten kids per night and it's a first come, first serve basis but he works tirelessly. Anyway, he confirmed that Melody had stayed the night but freaked out and stormed off in the morning because someone had stolen her bag. That was worrying in itself because it meant that she was in a strange city all by herself and didn't even have any money on her or anything like that. It made me feel sick. I left my name and number with this guy, Terry, in case she came back.

I met back up with Miles who was in a bit of a state. He'd come across an unconscious girl who had OD'd and he'd had to call an ambulance for her. It shook him up a little bit, understandably but perhaps the hospital can get her the help she needs. I hope so anyway.

We started checking stations again, in case Melody decided to skip town again and keep moving but we didn't come up with much. We search tirelessly for the rest of the day, only going back to the hotel when it was dark and we were hungry. There was no point wearing ourselves out too badly or else we wouldn't have been good to anyone.

Back in the hotel room, Miles was beside himself. We talked a lot and had room service delivered. The waiter called me Mrs Copeland, which made us laugh. Miles corrected him and he apologised, which meant that he probably thought I was his mistress and we were having a naughty weekend away! It made us laugh anyway and we really needed that.

We sat down and ate together, chatting about romance and such. I admitted to being angry with Roman but I was aware that he and Miles are good friends and I said that Angelo was an even bigger disaster. I even admitted that my pattern is to get into bed with a guy before I really know them. I don't know quite what it is about Miles but he's really easy to open up to.

We talked a little about Kirsty and it's obvious that he is still missing her terribly. He was really sweet actually and said it was nice to meet Charlie the Person instead of just Charlie the Cop. Is that how people see me? I guess it probably is. I'm not really the easiest person to get to know. My openness with Miles was pretty much the deepest I've ever really got with someone for a long time. Things with Roman were pretty superficial and while Angelo and I were great friends, our 'relationship' was mostly sex based.

Anyway, we finally had to talk about the awkward situation we were in. We had to check into a hotel – _any _hotel – quickly and didn't put much thought into the room. So we ended up with a double room. I kind of embarrassed myself by making sure we'd both be wearing clothes! I wanted the ground to swallow me up and we were both embarrassed about what I said.

In the end, Miles joked that we should have a pillow wall between us! We chose not to do that in the end and slept side by side in our clothes. I woke up in the middle of the night to find Miles gone and I was worried. He showed up a few minutes later, looking more stressed than ever.

I sat up and we talked about Melody and the girl he found who had overdosed. He shared a little about his past. He said he knew this girl who was an addict. He woke up beside her under a bridge to find her dead. Then he said that he hadn't given her a second thought until now and he felt guilty about it.

I offered my sympathy and understanding and then, of course, I fucked up. I kissed him. I mean, what the hell was I thinking? Although, to be fair, he kissed me back. But we both pulled away and we were both embarrassed. I don't know how or why it happened. But we slept so far away from each other that we nearly fell out of bed and things were really awkward the next morning.

It just kind of happened. I guess it's another example of my 'jumping into bed first and getting to know someone later' thing. But I was grateful this time that, unlike Angelo (and most of the guys I've been with in the past), Miles didn't take advantage. If that isn't a good guy, I don't know what is.

The following morning, we woke up a little shy. I'm just relieved that we only kissed. How would I ever be able to face him again if we'd done the deed? Miles is a nice guy. I'd hate to lose this blossoming friendship we seem to have developed. I hope we can hold onto it anyway.

We had breakfast together and got ready to go out together again but we were physically and verbally very clumsy, forcing us to talk about it all once and for all. I suggested that we both just needed comfort that night and I said that he had been so sad and I had just wanted to make it better. We agreed that the kiss was nice. And, just as an aside, it was _really _nice. He could teach Roman and Angelo both a thing or two! But anyway, I digress. We said it was nice but confirmed that we are just mates. Then we headed out to try again to track Melody down.

We got our first sighting of her with that boy, Archie from the day before at the markets. They saw us (and Pete, who was in uniform) and fled. We gave chase but we lost them. Miles looked pretty devastated. But we got a break in the end when Archie called the police and an ambulance.

Basically, they'd run into some hassle with some thugs. He gave Melody some cash and told her to run. Then he let himself get beaten up by way of distraction. He called us and told us where he thought Melody was going so we finally had a trail to follow. Miles gave him most of the cash he had and we both wished him well. He seemed like a good kid. I hope he is okay.

Miles and I carried on checking the bus stations in case she was using the money Archie gave her to head out of town. We came across a cathedral and Miles went in, knowing that Melody comes from a very religious background.

Sure enough, twenty minutes later, he came out with her. I was so relieved. I barely know the girl but I have been so worried. I booked us three seats on the next flight home and we took Melody to lunch and talked a lot. Then we came home.

I was hoping just to get to relax and calm down after such an exhausting trip but of course, I had no such luck. And I have another long day at work tomorrow too so I don't know when I am truly going to get to catch up on some sleep.

I had literally walked through the door when Ruby stormed in after me. Typically, she'd had another drama with Xavier. You know, the boy I told her not to see again! She snapped that it was over and then stormed into her room.

Leah got home a short while ago and found me with a glass of wine. She eagerly joined me and we chatted about Melody. I asked what had happened with Ruby while I was away and she said that she'd caught them talking once but thought they had otherwise stayed away from each other. I told her that Ruby had come home in tears because of some kind of problem with him. Leah felt guilty but it wasn't her fault. She can't keep her under lock and key and unfortunately, nor can I.

But anyway, this is exactly why I don't want my Ruby seeing this horrible boy. He's trouble and the sooner she realises it, the better. I considered going in to see her but she seemed pretty upset so I left her to it. She often needs time to get over it and then she can talk reasonably about things. And she's seeing my objections to their relationship as a point to argue with so I think I'm best off staying away.

On Leah's advice, I went round to speak to Hugo. He was rude to me and basically shut the door in my face so I guess I caught him at a bad time. He told me to deal with Ruby myself while he dealt with Xavier. Charming! And fine, I will.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 10<strong>**th**** February**

**21:35**

**Home**

I am (hopefully) going to get the early night I crave tonight. It just seems to be one thing after another at the moment. Ever since the night Jack died, everything has been so crazy. Even when I have taken time off, it's been exhausting, what with looking after Dad and Ruby. The whole Angelo thing was a nightmare and then there was the trip to Melbourne. Ruby is a constant cause for concern and I feel like I am always working at the moment. I just want to go to sleep!

I finally got to the root of Ruby's problem with Xavier – you know, the boy she has been seeing behind my back when I explicitly told her not to! His ex-girlfriend, who he dumped via voicemail has shown up in town and boy is she causing a stir! Colleen was flapping about her when I got to the Diner this morning for my usual coffee. Apparently she's been parading around the caravan park in her underwear and she insulted her.

Ruby is really stressed about the whole thing. And I feel sorry for her but if Xavier is going to treat her this way then, drugs aside, I don't want her with him. She deserves to be with someone who will treat her like a Princess. She _is _a Princess as far as I'm concerned. Any boy she dates is going to have a hard time measuring up to what I require for my little girl. I don't think there is currently anyone in the Bay who is good enough. Maybe that Geoff kid. He seems nice. He's got good morals and stuff and I think he'd treat her well. But she thinks he's boring. And besides, he's dating Nicole – who, it looks like, has befriended Freya. Now, there's a shock! Not! Oh, and she stole the black and white pool balls from the Surf Club while Annie, Jai and Ruby were playing a game. That pissed them off.

Anyway, Rubes spent most of the day with Annie and Jai. They're two really good friends of hers and I'm glad she has them. I tried to engage her in conversation this morning but she left pretty hastily and doesn't seem to want to open up to me yet. I'm trying not to be offended. She told me later that she ran into Xavier on the beach and he apologised about the night before. They argued a lot and Ruby ended up walking out on him.

By that point, I'd gone home for my lunch break, hoping to catch up with her. I literally had five minutes before I needed to leave but I wanted to talk about what was happening. I told her that I wasn't happy about her seeing Xavier, she snapped that he was seeing someone else anyway. Then she broke and cried and told me the whole sorry story.

I was late back to work. I love my job but Ruby takes priority and this is pretty much the first time she's had her heart broken in this way. Of course I need to be there for her.

On my way back to the station, I was further delayed as I ran into Hugo who apologised for being so rude to me last night. I've got to say, it wasn't the best first impression, although really, who am I to talk? I think it took about a month to make a friend! Minus Roman and that was largely because I was at his beck and call and sleeping with him.

Anyway, I told him it was fine and we talked about the Ruby/Xavier/Freya saga. We noticed Roman and Martha sitting together and having a picnic. I think Hugo must have been watching them already when I showed up.

Anyway, we ended up talking about being dumped for the ex, as poor Ruby has been and I was. Hugo commented that he'd heard I'd dated Roman. I admitted that the whole thing was a disaster because he'd had feelings for someone else all along but laughed that I'd moved onto bigger and newer disasters since then.

So far this evening, I have gathered that Leah gave Ruby a bit of a talking to for disobeying her when she'd been entrusted by me into her care. But, like me, Ruby's sorrow was too much for Leah to stay mad at her for very long!

Also, Ruby applied for a job in the Diner via Irene. Unfortunately, Roman gave Xavier the job without consulting anyone. Poor Rubes. She can't seem to catch a break at the moment. I know she did a bad thing by drinking Tony and Jack's champagne but karma is being a little mean to her, especially as it is all revolving around Xavier.

Apparently he was a very apologetic when they both realised and he tried to explain his complicated relationship with Freya. She says that he obviously needs to work out his feelings and has agreed to give him space. I thought that was pretty mature. I just hope she doesn't get more hurt than she already is. I'd hate to have to kill him...

Hang on, I think that's Ruby coming back in. I didn't realise she'd gone out.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 11<strong>**th**** February**

**00:42**

**Home**

So much for my early night! Ruby came home in floods of tears and I've literally just sent her to bed.

She had apparently arranged to meet Xavier tonight. He'd indicated that he might break up with Freya and be with her because he realised how much trouble Freya is and that she's not good for him. Poor Ruby waited for him, as planned, in the Diner but he didn't show up. Then she saw him in the Surf Club making out with Freya. My poor girl.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 11<strong>**th**** February**

**12:32**

**The Beach**

I definitely didn't get my early night and it's been a fairly jam packed day so far so I thought I'd take my lunch out onto the beach and enjoy the sunshine and the sound of the waves.

That girl is having her lunch out here too. I am so tempted to go and say hello. But I'd feel like a dork so I'm staying put! She's got this adorable little beanie hat on. It's cute. She looks like she's in a world of her own. Very serious and thoughtful. It would be rude to disturb her anyhow. But I miss the smile she had the other day. I hope she's okay. Maybe I should go and say hi. I'm not exactly abundant in the friends department right now.

I mean, I have Leah and I have Miles. But I've lost Angelo, things are a mess with Roman, who is always with Martha. And I'm not too sure of that Hugo guy. I mean, he seems okay but I don't really know him.

I think I'd like to be friends with this girl – not that I have anything to base that on. Oh, I don't know. I definitely feel like a dork.

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 12<strong>**th**** February**

**22:09**

**Home**

I took the day off work today in order to take Ruby out and get everything she needs to start school on Monday. That girl is costing me a small fortune! Dad and I both feel parental responsibility for her so we share that kind of thing but still, educating a teenager is expensive!

Leah has been kind enough to cut us some slack on our rooms though. I pay for both of us (and Dad chips in a bit for Ruby) and she only charges what she really has to. She's making ends meet rather than making a profit out of us living there. I think that's nice.

Anyway, Rubes and I made a day of it and I relaxed for the first time in ages. We shopped, we had lunch, we shopped some more, went to a movie and just got home from dinner half an hour ago. It was really nice to spend time with her.

We talked a lot about Xavier and she seems really sad about the whole thing. She says it's a healing wound but every time she sees him and Freya together it gets reopened. I get that. But I also get that she isn't doing herself any good by pining for him. She's just got to get on with things and count herself lucky that nothing more than kissing happened and she doesn't know him well enough to have really fallen for him – even if she thinks she has.

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 13<strong>**th**** February**

**13:02**

**The Beach**

For how proud I was over getting all of Ruby's school stuff done in one day, I could now kick myself for forgetting to get Leah's gift.

It's her birthday on Monday and her family are enforcing a big party. She's been grumpy about the whole thing since they first brought it up. I know she loves them and I haven't actually met them yet but from her stories, everything turns into a drama when they're around. She said she just wants something quiet and intimate but it's not shaping up to turn out that way. Poor thing. I hope she has a good time anyway.

Ruby and I went halves on her present. We've treated her and one other person (I'd presume Martha or Rachel) to a health and beauty day. They get pampered all day and should have lots of relaxing fun. We thought it would be a good idea considering how stressed she feels about the party (and maybe turning thirty).

It's my turn in June. I'm not entirely sure how I feel about it. Part of me thinks it's just an age and it doesn't matter. And part of me wonders what on earth I've done with the last thirty years.

I mean, yes, I made it as a cop and I've charged up the ranks to Senior Constable but there is so far no sign of progressing further than that any time soon. And I have a daughter who doesn't even know I'm her Mum. And I never dealt with being raped as a teenager. And I've had a string of failed relationships.

Will I be able to say on my thirtieth that I've fallen in love? Will I be all happy and in a relationship? Or will I just have another disaster behind me? I'm assuming the latter. Sigh.

Ooh, that girl's on the beach again. She's in a different beanie today and eating sandwiches by herself. She always seems to be alone, well, except that one time she was with a friend. I wonder if she is okay.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 15<strong>**th**** February**

**19:07**

**Home**

I worked all day yesterday and slept and rested for most of today, successfully avoiding Valentine's Day completely.

Tonight I am working all night long, rolling in at eight tomorrow morning, where I have to sleep – but not for too long – and then be active and useful before Leah's party.

And then I am on day shifts again next week so hopefully my pattern won't fall too out of whack over tonight's shift. I wouldn't mind being on the night rota for a series of nights and then a series of days. It's these random all nighters I can't cope with! But, onwards I must go...

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Leah has an eventful birthday party, Nicole and Freya kiss and Charlie learns some more about Joey…<em>


	39. Chapter 39

**Chapter Thirty Nine**

**Tuesday 17****th**** February**

**23:44**

**Home**

What a party! Leah got extremely drunk and it was hilarious. Rachel went to a real effort and she and Tony put up decorations and things for her. Leah was struggling to be enthusiastic and she was worried she'd been ungrateful but I'm sure she wasn't. I didn't see much of Tony at the party but Rachel didn't look offended in anyway. Thirty is a big birthday but it's also Leah's first birthday since she lost her second husband, Dan. I can only imagine how hard that must be.

Anyway, she looked absolutely stunning and I made sure I told her so. I felt a little bad that her parents were having to stay at the Sands because Rubes and I were taking up the two spare rooms but Leah said she was grateful for the break from them.

She introduced us to her family and her brother, Chris immediately and blatantly started hitting on me. Ruby made fun of him. That was a pretty funny, although I scolded her for the sake of politeness. He was pretty lame though, I must admit! However, very privately, I will also admit it was flattering. After Roman and Angelo, it's quite nice to have some attention where there is no risk of it going anywhere and therefore no risk of getting hurt.

Anyway, flirtation was cut short because Leah's parents started arguing and they blurted out that they were separating. Ruby and I scarpered pretty quickly to the kitchen and tried not to listen in on the erupting row but we gathered that the biggest problem is that their restaurant business is pretty much going under.

Once the party was in full swing, Leah's parents started being overly nice to each other and Chris was very supportive of a somewhat shell shocked Leah.

I got chatting to Miles, who had noticed Chris eyeing me up for most of the party. We had a bit of a joke about Melbourne and our clumsy little kiss. I'm so relieved that it's not a big deal. That whole thing could easily have turned into a disaster and I think with some other guy, it would have. But Miles is really special. I almost wish I did like him like that!

Anyway, Chris managed to corner me again. On Miles' advice, I slipped into conversation that I was a cop. Apparently this intimidates guys. Guys that aren't Chris. He practically started salivating! I tried to escape by offering to get more alcohol from the Surf Club. Chris wanted to come with me but Hugo kindly stepped in. I was so grateful!

On the way, we talked about Xavier and Freya and I disappointed him by saying I couldn't really do anything in an official capacity. She might not be very nice but technically, she hasn't done anything illegal. All I could advise him was to back off a little bit. If you tell a teenager to do one thing, they'll generally do the other just to spite you. So, I think the more Hugo presses Xavier to end things with Freya, the more he'll cling on.

We got back in time for Leah to start opening her presents. Colleen's Tupperware went down like a lead balloon, especially when she said she saw it and thought of her. Roman was pretty cool and distracted everyone from the presents by proposing a toast. Fortunately, I think Colleen remained oblivious to Leah's disappointment over the gift.

Leah rushed off and I believe this was the point at which she overheard Freya tell Xavier that Leah and her party were boring. Then, I gather, Roman found the birthday girl drinking alone outside and feeling pretty miserable. And she got increasingly drunk.

When she reappeared at the party, her parents were rowing in front of everyone. Her dad stormed out. To compensate, drunken Leah got a little wild and clumsy with her dancing and started swigging from a champagne bottle. She reeked of class! Then she yelled at her Mum and ordered her to leave, accusing her of ruining the party. And _then, _she flung the presents off the table (so glad mine and Ruby's wasn't breakable!), climbed up and started dancing on there! It was funny in a horrific kind of way. She fell off pretty quickly but fortunately landed on Roman and only her pride was hurt.

The party ended pretty quickly after that. The guests who had stayed that long, left. Ruby skulked off to bed, as she was still smarting over Xavier and Freya. Chris followed his parents (presumably) back to the hotel, after trying to get a goodnight kiss from me. Leah was drunk in the kitchen so I left Roman to take care of her while I started cleaning up the lounge.

I was just getting started when Roman appeared, looking rather horrified. Leah had thrown up on him. We put Leah into bed with a sick bucket and a large glass of water and then Roman went to clean his shirt.

He reappeared topless and my reaction surprised and pleased me. I was able to look at him and appreciate that he has a nice body, but I wasn't attracted to him. I didn't long to be with him or anything like that. It all felt platonic, as if nothing good or bad had ever happened between us. I think I can be friends with him now and that makes me really happy. He hurt me but I believe he is a good man and I would like to retain his friendship if I can. And I know for sure now that there are no residual feelings there anymore. Hooray!

Also, I apologised for leading Hugo to believe that Roman has feelings for Martha. I still think he does but it's not my business really and I shouldn't have opened my mouth. We made peace. I offered to talk to Martha, who is still ignoring him but he told me to leave it alone (but nicely). I will. If I can. I'll try.

Ruby is still having more drama with Xavier and Freya. I sent her off with Annie and Jai and as many words of encouragement as I could think of yesterday morning as I know she was fretting about having to see Xavier at school. She was also in a lather about Xavier and Freya showing up to Leah's party – which, obviously they did.

She confronted Xavier about ditching her in favour of Freya, which I was pretty proud of her for. She stands up for herself and what she wants. She's not afraid of her own demands from people. I think that's a good quality. And she's not aggressive with it either. She was, however, pretty pissed during lunch time over the make out session in the Diner which involved Freya literally ripping Xavier's shirt open. Bu all accounts, Leah was also unimpressed and basically kicked them out. Then after lunch, they were partnered up for a Science project or something, only for Freya to show up. Xavier sneaked out of class to see her and wound up in trouble with Martin Bartlett. That's when Ruby found the 'hot list'.

It's this stupid list Xavier and Freya had put together, where they basically rated every girl in school. Apparently Annie was on it under 'highest potential' and Jai is 'totally cute'. Geoff was 'buff and beautiful'. Ruby wasn't on it, which only upset her more until she confronted Xavier who explained that he didn't want to be disrespectful by putting her on it. I guess that gives him a few plus points in my book but I still don't like him and I'm still glad he's off with this horrible girl instead of with my lovely little girl. He admitted that he still likes her, but he insisted he was staying with Freya.

Oh, and Nicole was upset to find she'd been labelled as 'thinks she's hot', which led to quite the eye raiser apparently. She confronted Freya, who really shouldn't have been on school property, although she tends to do a lot of things she shouldn't, by all accounts.

Anyway, Nicole confronted her, Freya told her she thought she was hot and then she kissed her in front of the whole school. According to the many, many witnesses, it was a full on, proper kiss. People seemed so shocked but I don't really see what the big deal is. I can't see it as something that I would personally do but it's just a kiss. Who cares about the gender of the people involved? Aren't we past all that homophobia stuff yet?

I think Ruby's problem was that it was Freya, not that it was a 'lesbian' kiss. But everyone – especially Geoff – was pretty startled apparently. The one thing I was really horrified about was Martin Bartlett's reaction. He threatened to terminate Nicole's school captaincy. She yelled at him about homophobia and I'm totally on her side. He said it would have been threatened regardless of who had been involved but to be honest, I'm not so sure.

Couples kiss at school all the time and yes, they do get told off but the punishment isn't severe. I can't help but think it was a girl thing. And that shocks and disappoints me. It should be educators like him that ought to be leading the way for young people to not have any problems with gay people. I mean, who knows who might struggle with their sexuality? You could make some kind of remark in front of a kid or a teenager, or even a grown woman or man, and not realise that you've made their bid to come to terms with their sexuality, that much harder. Okay, Charlie, breathe. Rant over!

It looks like Geoff and Nicole are having problems anyway. By all accounts, Nicole is suddenly realising how different they are and she finds his 'goodness' embarrassing. I was wondering how long it would take. But I do hope they can hang on because I think they've been good for each other. Certainly when I was with Roman, I found Nicole to be a nicer girl when she was around Geoff.

I had been working for most of the day and then I hit the gym before the party. I caught Roman and Hugo having an awkward conversation. The boys haven't exactly hit it off. I get the feeling that Roman is feeling threatened by Hugo. He and Xavier are living with Martha now and Martha has said she feels close to Hugo because he was close to Jack. So I guess Roman doesn't want Hugo muscling in on his friendship with Martha. I don't know.

And I couldn't find out because Ruby burst in, begging me to tell Leah to ban Freya from the party. I refused. I don't think it's my place. I love Ruby but it's Leah's party and she can invite whoever she likes. And to be honest, I haven't seen this Freya girl up to no good yet. I've only heard it from a highly dramatised and highly sensitive Ruby interpretation so far. Anyway, that's when she blurted out the Nicole/Freya kiss thing – right in front of Roman. His face was a picture. It made my day! Is that really evil?

Today, poor Leah was struggling with a really bad hangover and she barely remembered the night before! According to her brother, things have been bad for a while and their Dad has been sleeping on the couch for weeks. They are in deep financial trouble and are at risk of losing both the restaurant and the house. Leah decided to use some of Dan's money to save her parents. It was meant to solve things but it was an epic fail. Leah's parents started arguing again. Her Mum walked out and her Dad went chasing after her. Apparently it didn't go well because now, VJ is sharing Leah's room and her Dad, Theo, is living with us. Leah is NOT happy!

I was up and out of the house early anyway, somewhat tired from the night before. I had to take a drunk and disorderly guy into the hospital and I was surprised to find Martha there, clearly a patient, and talking to Rachel. I didn't have time to talk to her because once we'd seen our drunk was okay, we had to haul him back to the station for vandalism and to sleep it off in a cell.

I bumped into Hugo at the Diner though and mentioned it in passing. In my defence, I didn't know it was a secret! I went back to the hospital later to see Martha and she explained that she was having breast reconstruction surgery but hadn't told anyone. I confessed to telling Hugo I'd seen her and then I apologised for what happened with Roman.

It was weird really because while she said she still felt deceived, I found myself standing up for him. And you, dear diary, of all people, know how critical I have been of him all this time. I told her that I think I got it wrong about Roman ending it with me because of her. That's not technically true but I wonder if it was the whole reason. Perhaps it was just part of it. I don't know.

What I do know is that Martha and Roman are wonderful friends and I feel largely to blame for ruining that and I would like to make it right if I can. When I saw Hugo again, he was obviously worried about Martha and I know I was interfering but I told him about the surgery. And I think it was the one time that it paid off. He went to see her and despite her misgivings, I think she was glad of the support.

I then told Roman and suggested he went to see Martha too. He did and they finally talked honestly about everything and are friends again. He asked to tell Alf and Colleen what she was in hospital for too and I believe they all supported her and were waiting for her when she woke up.

This evening, after my shift, I came to the Surf Club to relax with a glass of wine, just to chill by myself for a bit. It's been a chaotic couple of days. This whole year so far has been chaos, come to think of it.

Aden was out tonight with some vile looking guy. He was loud and obnoxious and kept leering at me. It made my stomach turn a little and made Chris look subtle. I cannot bear guys like that.

I left once I'd finished my drink and walked back along the beach. I spotted that girl sitting on the sand in the dark. Even hunched over and with her back to me, I knew it was her. She looked unhappy. I hope she is okay. I was so tempted to go and check on her but I didn't feel it was my place. I've done enough interfering for one day, I think. And my bed has been calling me all night!

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 18<strong>**th**** February**

**12:49**

**The Beach**

I'm on my lunch break and yep, you guessed it, that girl is here. She's sitting not far from me and looks like she is in a bad mood. And yet she is still very endearing. I wonder if I will ever go and say hello. Not today though. She doesn't look up to chatting with weird strangers who, judging by this diary, have been practically stalking her for months!

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 18<strong>**th**** February**

**21:32**

**Home**

I had a pretty easy shift today, which was good as I'm still feeling pretty tired. I took Ruby to the Diner for dinner. We ran into Miles who sat with us for a bit and said that Melody has made some kind of tentative contact with her mother again. She ran into her at some community centre and the pair of them are talking a little bit. I think that's really brave, considering all that Melody has been through. I hope something good can come of that.

When Ruby and I walked home together, we took a longer stroll to walk off the big, fat cake we ate between us! I spotted that girl sitting on the edge of one of the trawlers. She looked anxious, but still so beautiful, and kept checking her phone. Ruby asked who she was when she caught me looking, which was a little embarrassing. I have no idea who she is! I just find her fascinating.

Anyway, we were distracted by Aden walking down to meet her. Maybe they work together? Not that it's any of my business.

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 19<strong>**th**** February**

**20:19**

**The Surf Club**

The girl's name is Joey. I don't know why this is important, but it is. I was grabbing a coffee at the Diner this morning and she was sitting at one of the tables reading a paper. I sat fairly nearby. Oh wow, I really do sound like a stalker, don't I? I don't understand what's so compelling about her. I don't know her. But I just... want to know her.

Anyway, Aden showed up and I overheard some of the conversation. It was something about him not wanting to quit his job but agreeing that she wasn't been treated fairly. He then suggested they talked to 'Gibsy' (their boss?) together.

Belle then came over and introduced herself. They started talking about feminist angles and unfair treatment in the work place or something. But this Joey girl got really upset and stormed out. I was half tempted to run after her but reminded myself that she hasn't got a clue who I am. Aden went after her anyway so I hope things were fixed. But I guess I know why she seems so stressed at the moment.

And now I'm sitting here, drinking a beer. Joey came in a little while ago. Maybe she's stalking me! Aden has been here with Belle for a little while and he approached as soon as he saw her and invited her to sit down. I accidentally overheard... okay, I eavesdropped.

He told Joey that work was sorted, they weren't competing for the same job and Lou DeBono will talk to this Gibsy guy about Joey being bullied at work. I thought it was pretty sweet that Aden cared so much. But Joey just told him he'd made everything worse and left. I just hope she's okay.

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 21<strong>**st**** February**

**23:59**

**Home**

I worked all day yesterday and I was pretty much rushed off my feet all day. It was one of those working days when I wondered why on earth I ever chose to become a police officer!

I had an early night last night and then this afternoon, I took Ruby out for some retail therapy and a rom-com at the movies to cheer her up about this Xavier situation. We headed to the Surf Club and have only just come home.

It was a sober evening (obviously, because I was with a fifteen year old) but it was really nice. I'm still touched that she isn't embarrassed to be seen with me and she'll hang out with me as readily as she'll hang out with Annie and Jai and her friends. It's nice. It makes me happy.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 22<strong>**nd**** February**

**14:08**

**The Beach**

I've just been running along the beach and now I'm exhausted and crashed out on the sand. I ditched my bag, went for a run and then back again and now I am writing in here. I think I'm going to head home, shower and then treat myself to a nice lunch. I have the whole day free before it's back to work tomorrow so I want to enjoy every moment I can.

And, typically, I've already spotted Joey. She is also going for a run along the beach. She's concentrating and listening to music but she looks happy. It's nice to see her smile. I guess a non-work day must make her feel pretty happy if she's being bullied there. Poor thing.

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Ruby is caught with drugs, Leah's household struggles with her Dad and Charlie speaks to Joey for the first time…<em>


	40. Chapter 40

**Chapter Forty**

**Tuesday 24****th**** February**

**00:01**

**Home**

Almost managed to review Monday on the right day but never mind!

That Freya girl is continuing to cause trouble. I'd find it amusing if Ruby wasn't upset. Well, I'd find it _more _amusing. I couldn't help but have a little chuckle this morning when Alf came and found me at the Diner having breakfast with Rubes to tell me what Freya had done this time. Apparently she went topless on the beach for all to see. Well, you've got to admire her confidence, I suppose! But Ruby didn't see the funny side and nor did Alf, who asked me to have a quiet word. Of course, this launched Ruby into a full on rant. I swear I hear 'Freya' more often than 'Xavier' these days.

I took her to school because I had a meeting with Martin Bartlett. He wants me to do a talk at the school later on in the term. Rubes is unimpressed of course but hey, it's my job. The meeting went well and I ran into Freya in the hall. I did my duty and told her off for trespassing. Martin has been having problems with her being on school property pretty regularly at the moment. Anyway, she left nicely enough, I guess.

I worked until the afternoon and then went to the gym to work out. I ran into Alf and Hugo and Hugo wanted to pick my brains about the legalities of him setting up his diving business. I said I was off duty, he had a small strop and then criticised me for my Xavier/Freya advice not working. I still can't quite decide how I feel about him. In some ways, he seems like a nice guy – like when he rescued me from Chris at Leah's party. And in other ways, he seems like a bit of an arsehole – he was rude to me today and rude when I tried to talk to him about Xavier last week. I don't know.

Anyway, we were interrupted by Belle who looked like she hadn't slept in months. She said she needed help from me to find a front page story for the paper. I wasn't sure about it but I invited her round to lunch anyway and I made amends with Hugo. Yep, I definitely can't work him out.

I went home at lunch time and found Ruby there. I then found drugs in our fridge. Ruby anxiously explained that they weren't hers but she found them in the toilets at school and was trying to get rid of them without dobbing anyone in. I can't even begin to explain how angry I was! But I know she was telling the truth because a) drugs aren't her thing and b) I found half the pills in the sink where she'd tried to get rid of them.

I get that she was trying to do the right thing but she totally made a mistake. I had no option but to tell her off and point out how stupid she'd been. What if someone other than me had caught her with them? What if it had been Martin or someone like that? And I swear that it is something to do with that Xavier boy. He was into pot when he was here last and there is something about him (and his brother) that I just don't trust. She denied it of course. No matter how much he swans around Summer Bay with Freya, Ruby still seems to adore him.

Anyway, we were just dealing with that when Belle arrived a little early and spotted the drugs. So, I guess it solved a problem really. Sort of. I'd still rather Ruby hadn't got involved. But I phoned Martin and he agreed to Belle running a story on drugs in school. It was weird though because Belle wasn't quite as excited about it as I thought she'd be. She said she'd run it by her editor (they've since gone for it) but for how frantic she was earlier, you'd think she'd be a little bit more cheerful about getting something to write. Still, I did my duty and I hope she's happy, even if she can't express it! Plus, anything that highlights the risks and criminality of drug abuse is a good thing in my book.

I caught up with Hugo a little bit later. We're both a little suspicious of Freya. It seems a remarkable coincidence that she and drugs arrived at school all at the same time. And while I am adamant that Ruby is innocent, Hugo is also adamant that Xavier isn't stupid enough to get involved with that kind of thing (again). Then he asked me out! Sort of. I'm not really sure. He said it was a business dinner. I'm still not sure of him at all so I said no and left.

I ran into Belle on the way out and she told me she had information. I sent her to the police station with Freya's name. At this point, I think she'll only get a caution but if she dares to try this again there will be trouble, especially if Ruby is getting caught up in things, which, it seems, she has. But anyway, Belle found her out by posing as someone looking to buy in order to catch her out. So, the drugs Ruby found may or may not belong to Freya, (hence only a caution) but it's all very suspect to me. Belle was pretty awesome though. I hope she's happy now!

However, by the end of the evening, I had other things on my mind. Somehow or other, Ruby, Xavier and Freya ended up taking off on Alf's boat. Mid-argument, they hit Hugo's boat and then got into a panic. They hadn't seen him and then they couldn't find him. Xavier went spare and Ruby convinced him to get them back to shore to get help. I was just leaving the gym (my second attempt of the day) when Ruby, Xavier and Freya rushed up to me to tell me what had happened.

It was all systems go to try and find Hugo. Alf always gets called into these kinds of things (especially, on this occasion, as it was his boat the kids went out on). I went and found Martha in the Diner but she hadn't seen Hugo all evening. Roman and Alf took Ruby and Xavier (Freya had scarpered), back out on the boat to try and find him and I was just calling the water police when the man in question strolled in. He had no idea anything had even happened! Apparently he'd taken the boat out for a night dive and been under the water when the kids hit him. He came up and came back not realising anything had gone on.

I called through and told Alf and they all came back. We all reconvened at the Surf Club and Hugo explained everything. I of course had my cop hat on and was asking questions. It's illegal to go out on the water without a light to make people know you're there. He maintains that the light was on and he wouldn't be so stupid as to go for a dive without a light on his boat and that it must have been put out during the collision. But if the light was on, why didn't the kids notice him? I don't know. I'm still a little sceptical but I will put that on the back burner for now. Maybe they just didn't see him because let's face it, Ruby, Xavier and Freya on a boat together was hardly ever going to be a smooth ride, was it? They were probably so busy fighting that they weren't even looking. It is odd though.

Ruby told the truth about Freya being responsible for the whole thing. Ruby and Xavier had just been sitting on the boat together, talking when Freya showed up, ranting and raving and she was the one who drove them out. If it hadn't been for her, this whole thing wouldn't have happened. Maybe she isn't so amusing after all. Ruby seems to have had her number from the start.

In other news, Roman and I are hopefully going to take Martha to the movies at the end of the week to cheer her up. I guess we're a weird little threesome but I want to be friends with Roman again and let all that water pass under the bridge. And I want to do my best to be a good friend to Martha.

I definitely don't want to start dating anyone again. It would take someone really special for me to actually start seeing them. Perhaps the odd date here and there would be cool if I get the offer but it's not something I'll be looking for. I am determined that my next proper relationship will be something special. I don't want to rush into anything or accept anything less. So now is a time to focus on my family, my work and my friends.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 24<strong>**th**** February**

**19:11**

**Home**

I can't say today has been any tamer than yesterday but I am very much hoping that this whole stupid Freya saga is over now.

I didn't know anything about what was going on until I found them all on the beach but basically, what happened was, Freya finding herself in trouble with her supplier. Because Ruby stole the drugs and we took them off her, Freya didn't have any return cash to pay her dealer for what he'd given her. It was all very complicated but anyway, she was in a clinch.

Xavier told Ruby in the morning that he planned on meeting the dealer on Freya's behalf. Ruby was horrified and yes, it was a very dumb thing to do. But her response was equally as dumb. She went to Roman and asked to borrow $500 for rent. Firstly, our rent is that much _combined_, not just hers. And secondly, she doesn't pay rent! Dad and I pay for Rubes.

But she duped Roman into loaning her the money and it was only a passing comment from him that made me twig that something untoward was going on. She took the cash and gave it to Freya to give her dealer in exchange for getting out of Xavier's life for good. Of course, Freya took the money and we haven't seen her since so I think we can safely assume she's split without paying the guy.

Hugo and I were walking down to his boat in order for me to check it out and wrap up the incident from the night before, when we found Ruby in a right state and Xavier being assaulted by the dealer. We pounced. I pretty much rugby tackled the guy and arrested him. I dragged him back to the station. Hugo brought Ruby and Xavier.

After a tiresome afternoon of statements and such, we arrested the guy for assault and dealing drugs. Hugo took Xavier home to tend his wounds and I took Ruby home too. We talked at length about the whole thing. I'm glad Freya's out of the picture now and I do feel a bit sorry for Xavier, I must admit. But I still don't want my Ruby getting involved with him. He came by a little while ago, which is when I came to my room to write my diary and chill out. They're talking but I very much hope they don't decide to make a go of things.

Oh, and Belle's article was amazing! It was _almost _as good as the heartbreaking piece she did on the cancer cluster and the development site. She has a real talent, that girl.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 25<strong>**th**** February**

**21:49**

**Home**

It's been another long work day. Hugo and I had got distracted from me checking out his boat for the incident the other night, because of everything that went down with Ruby, Xavier and Freya. So I headed down to the docks this morning. There wasn't much to see. As he'd already told me, he'd changed the broken light already so I have no choice but to believe that he had his light on like he said he did. I guess it's not a big deal. I mean, why would he lie?

I saw Aden and that Joey girl on their trawler with their other two crew members. One of them was that vile guy I saw in the Surf Club last week. He looked like he was giving Joey a hard time. It made me uncomfortable. If that's what the poor girl is dealing with Monday to Friday then no wonder she's been looking so sad lately.

I've been out at the Surf Club for most of the evening. Theo (Leah's Dad) has definitely been making a nuisance of himself. He's a nice guy and all but he's definitely making his presence known at home. Every time I look at Leah, she seems to want to kill him! Poor thing. And by all accounts, he's making a nuisance of himself at the Diner too.

I popped in to see Roman and pay his $500 back. When Xavier came round last night, he said that Freya had left him an apologetic letter and departed, as I had suspected. Xavier has also promised to pay Ruby back out of his wages from the Diner but we've arranged for him to pay me directly instead. I don't want Roman to be out of pocket with Xavier paying in instalments. It was my daughter's deviousness (even if she was trying to help), that made Roman have to pay out. And I don't think that's fair.

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 26<strong>**th**** February**

**22:00**

**Home**

I missed some late night activity last night, which I'm pretty glad about. It looks like Theo had finally caught onto the fact that Leah (and VJ and Ruby and me!) have all been struggling with him living here. He tried to sneak out on a flight to Cyprus but Leah caught him and then Leah's Mum and Chris came round for them to all talk about the separation and everything.

It was Dan's Memorial Day today. I had wanted to be there but I couldn't get the day off work. I didn't know Dan but Leah has talked about him so much to me that I kind of feel like I did and I know today was important to her.

They all went to the school (Leah's family too) and some of the kids gave presentations on their ideas for what to do with Leah's money. Geoff proposed the idea of some kind of chill out room and some kid called Trey Palmer, who is relatively new in Summer Bay, came up with the idea of a problem solving/ team building kind of weekend. Leah and the committee came back and said they liked both those pitches and got the group to vote between them. According to Leah, Nicole was the deciding vote and she went for Trey's idea. I bet that went down like a lead balloon with Geoff. To be fair though, the trek idea does sound like a good one.

And afterwards, Leah's parents announced that they were tentatively going to try and rebuild their marriage. So, Theo has gone and life can hopefully continue as normal. There really isn't room for more of us in this place!

I ran into Martha and Rachel at lunch time. They'd bought a few baby things for Rachel and Tony's unborn baby boy or girl. I cooed as I should and then made my exit. I don't do the baby stuff very well. It just... hurts.

To be honest, Rachel seemed out of sorts herself. They said that Lucas had finally called and Tony had had to tell him about Jack and I think it's broken them all up again. I can hardly believe that it's been two months since Jack died. That seems incredible. Incredible and sad. Martha is amazing to me though. She's so strong.

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 27<strong>**th**** February**

**23:07**

**Home**

It was another long day at work but I'm looking forward to going to the city to see Dad on Sunday. It's just for the day but I think it will be good. Ruby and I visited a lot over Christmas and the holidays and everything but I don't want to overwhelm him one minute and abandon him the next. We've got to keep our visits pretty regular.

I headed out to the Surf Club for a couple of drinks and happily bumped into Martha. She joined me and it was nice to see her so bubbly. Apparently Rachel and Tony's baby kicked for the first time today. That must be really exciting. You know, when you want the baby. The first time Ruby kicked, I burst into tears. It was like she was reminding me that she was there and it just broke my heart. I was so frightened. And now, retrospectively, I wish I could take it all back. I wish I could have felt her kicking and smiled, run around to tell everyone the way Rachel did.

We saw Aden looking pretty glum. Belle came and sat with him and things looked a little awkward at first but they settled into a conversation that looked pretty emotional. I couldn't help but think about that Joey girl. She looked so stressed yesterday morning. Or maybe I think about her too much and Aden and Belle are just having problems in their relationship or something. And that is not my business! I am staying out of things that have nothing to do with me!

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 28<strong>**th**** February**

**14:19**

**The Beach**

I treated myself to a bit of a lie in this morning and then went for a run along the beach. I've taken to dumping my bag in a locker at the gym, running along the beach and then coming back to sit on the sand and write. I find it so peaceful out here.

I actually spoke to that Joey girl today. Just a few minutes ago actually. She looked pretty beat up so when I literally bumped into her, I apologised and asked if she was okay. She had a cut on her arm and a pretty bad bruise to her head. She had some kind of accident at work and I couldn't help but worry that it was something to do with that guy. I really don't like him and I feel oddly protective of her.

She was really sweet actually. She seemed really shy and for all the times I've seen her look so serious, she was smiling at me. She has a lovely smile. We only chatted for about thirty seconds but it was nice to actually say hello after so long. I don't know when I first noticed her but I think it was a while ago now.

Anyway, I should probably stop writing sometime soon. I want to get back home and have a nice bath and chill out for the rest of the day. Then I need to pack so Ruby and I are ready to leave first thing tomorrow morning. We want to get the most out of the day and I am going to the movies with Roman and Martha tonight. I'm actually quite looking forward to that.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 1<strong>**st**** March 2009**

**23:32**

**Home**

I had a really good time at the movies last night. Hugo joined us at the last minute, having been invited by Martha. And I think I've decided that I like him. Not like _that_, but as a person. He's pretty sweet and I found him very funny. I really wasn't sure at first, particularly considering he's been rude to me on a couple of occasions but he was lovely tonight.

And it was nice to spend time with Martha and Roman. I think the boys are still pretty wary of each other but they got along nicely enough. I hear that one of the conditions of Martha and Roman resuming their friendship was that Roman went a little easier on Hugo. It seems that he originally advised Alf to turn down Hugo's proposal for the diving business but then both he and Alf had a change of heart and it's going ahead. But a lot of that was due to Martha!

She's so amazing to be able to help and care for people when she has so much going on in her own life. She lost her unborn baby and then her husband; she's battled cancer and only just had reconstructive surgery. Her hair is still growing back from the chemotherapy. I really think she's an inspiration.

This morning, Ruby and I headed out and we had a wonderful day with Dad and Morag. We went out for lunch and Dad seemed to be in a really good place. It was wonderful and it gave Ruby a real boost.

She'd been a little morose on the journey over there. She and Xavier have made peace and Freya has left but she is still pretty broken hearted. But on the way back, she was as chipper as anything. She's feeling pretty positive about Dad and so am I and there hasn't been any conflict between me and Morag for a long time now. As far as I'm concerned, she's a crucial part of our family now. But it was a good day and I'm ready to get some sleep and then start back at work tomorrow morning.

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Charlie rescues Joey from Robbo's threatening behaviour, Hugo stands Charlie up for a date and Ruby and Xavier get back together…<em>


	41. Chapter 41

**Chapter Forty One**

**Monday 2****nd**** March**

**13:01**

**The Beach**

I've been working all morning and I'm just taking my lunch break. I saw that Joey girl again. Her injuries seem to have gone away but she looked more stressed than I've ever seen her. I wanted to go over and check she was okay but I decided not to. As Miles pointed out, the uniform definitely puts people off and I didn't want her to think I was chasing her around or something. I just feel concerned.

Perhaps there's something in the water though. I saw Rachel at the Diner this morning and she seemed really down, which is a shame as she was so excited about the baby kicking yesterday. And then I saw Belle having a somewhat intense conversation with her boss at the paper. He didn't look happy and she looked like she was falling apart at the seams. I felt really sorry for her.

* * *

><p><strong>Monday 2<strong>**nd**** March**

**20:44**

**Home**

Angelo just called me. I didn't really wait to find out what the hell he wanted and I only spoke to him for a few seconds. He said he just needed to hear a friendly voice. Well, he called the wrong person.

I guess I am the most likely to sympathise with him and I do honestly wish that he hadn't been guilty of Jack's death. But at the end of the day, he did kill him and almost worse than that, he lied about it. So I don't want to hear from him. I find the whole thing confusing enough and I don't want to hear his voice. I don't want anything to do with him. I just want to draw a line under whatever it was I had with Angelo and move on. Alone.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 3<strong>**rd**** March**

**23:02**

**Home**

What a fucking awful day. I am so pissed off that I don't even think I can write. Bastard Hugo. Bastard, bastard, bastard. I think I can safely say that I don't like him. Bastard. Ugh, I feel like the dumbest bitch alive right about now. Probably because I am!

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 4<strong>**th**** March**

**20:38**

**Home**

Okay, I feel a bit better than I did yesterday. Well, I don't think I could have been feeling worse! I was pretty pissed off!

It all started when I grabbed some food at the Diner before I went for my workout before my shift was due to start at lunch time. I was quite happily minding my own business when Colleen approached. She's arranged this stupid speed dating night for tomorrow and was trying to harass me into going. Hugo happened to be sitting at the next table and she wanted him to go too. I was pretty annoyed because she referred to me as 'desperate and dateless' while he of course, was an eligible bachelor. I do hate this sexist perception of being single. If a girl approaching thirty is single, there's something wrong with her. If a guy is single (and Hugo is older than me by a few years), then it's not a problem. Anyway, we both refused but we knew she wouldn't quit.

The school were having some kind of inset day today, like a staff development kind of thing so Ruby came with me to the gym. Just as we arrived, Tony stormed out in fury. We tried not to take it personally!

We had a good work out and I really quite enjoyed spending time with her. Anyway, on our way out, we ran into Hugo who warned us that Colleen was still trying to clinch speed daters. We chatted and then for some reason, Ruby decided to leave us alone together. I don't know what she saw there but honestly, I don't have feelings for him. He's attractive enough, I guess, but I'm definitely not looking for romance.

I've already said in here countless times that for me to actually start something up with someone new, that person would literally have to sweep me off my feet. They would have to be so special. They would have to steal my heart. But it seems like the more I protest, the less people seem to believe me. It's really quite irritating.

Anyway, Hugo asked me out again for dinner and offered to help me escape the speed dating thing in return for that. I said that I had sworn dating for a while. He insisted that it was a business dinner and I wish to God that I had listened to my instincts and gone with that and not let Ruby or Watson's enthusiasm get into my head. Then perhaps the whole thing wouldn't have been such a damn disaster.

I went to work and Watson and I popped back to my house in the afternoon because I'd left some files behind. Ruby was home and making herself some lunch. She teased me about the date but I remained adamant that Hugo only wanted to talk to me about diving legalities in the area. I also let her know that I was onto her about her wanting to get me and Hugo together so that she and Xavier could be allowed to hang out again. I told her that I wasn't planning on going to any effort but she said that I was just afraid of putting myself out there again and getting my heart broken.

I guess she's right in a lot of ways. Maybe that's why I went for it last night even though I don't really like Hugo in that way. In fact, I definitely don't like him like that. And I only proved my own point because I did put myself out there and it did go wrong. I just don't think romance is worth this kind of hassle. Between Roman and Angelo and all the awful boyfriend's I've had in the past, I feel totally disillusioned about everything. I'd happily stay single for the rest of my life. Unless I met someone amazing.

I guess I will always hold out hope that I will meet that person who will be perfect for me and who will heal all my damage. But I think if that person exists and if that person does come along, I will know them immediately. And I can say for sure that Hugo is not that person.

On my way back to work, I received a phone call so Watson and I had to go down to the docks. A fight had broken out on the trawler that Aden works on. Basically, what had happened was that Joey had made a complaint about the health and safety on the trawler, presumably because of the accident she had last week. An inspector had come to check it out but Joey had withdrawn the complaint that morning.

But having already been there, the inspector said he'd found health and safety risks and temporarily shut the boat down until the problems were fixed. That awful guy I saw in the Surf Club had attacked him and the inspector had called the police. The skipper, Gibsy dismissed the whole thing and the inspector didn't seem to want to press charges but I saw Joey standing a little far off with Aden.

She looked a mess. She was in this oversized sweater, looking pale and withdrawn. I felt immediately sorry for her and took Watson over with me to speak to her and Aden. Joey was quick to ask if we would be pressing charges but I said we'd leave it this time. She looked so broken. I touched her shoulder and asked if she was okay but she jerked away and said she was fine. She plastered a fake smile on her face and Aden offered to take her home.

I'm desperately worried about her. Obviously I noticed her a while ago but she seemed like the shell of who she's appeared to be so far. I mean, I don't know her but in a weird way, I kind of feel like I do. I just hope she's okay. I didn't want to press the issue but I'm worried. I'm going to keep a (professional) eye on her. There was something in her that looked... haunted. I've been in the depths of that kind of despair. I just hope nothing too awful has happened to get her there.

Once we'd sorted things out, I left Watson to get the other guy's details so that I could get ready for meeting Hugo. Watson teased me a little, just like Ruby had and I swear I wasn't going to go to any effort. But Ruby's warnings about me being too cautious were ringing in my ears so I did dress up. I did make an effort. Even Alf commented on how nice I looked, which I thought was sweet. And then of course, I had just ordered a glass of wine when Hugo phoned to cancel.

I said it was fine but I stormed back home pretty promptly and took things out on Ruby. She too was impressed with my outfit but I was storming around the house and gulped a glass or two of wine down. I told Rubes that Hugo cancelled on me and pretty much stormed up to have a bath and try and calm down.

I don't know why I was so upset. I didn't want to go out with him in the first place but I guess everyone got me kind of invested in the idea. But it was just another calamity that is my disastrous love life. Ruby felt responsible and it would be easy to blame her but I know she was trying to encourage me. She didn't expect things to go like this. But I definitely don't want to waste my time on dating guys. None of them have ever been worth it.

I had a bath and finished almost a whole bottle wine last night and then I ranted briefly in here before bed. I woke up in the same bad mood and pretty cloudy headed. Ruby was making breakfast when I appeared in the kitchen ready to start my shift. I pretty much walked out on her, which was quite rude but I couldn't help it. Unhelpfully, I passed Xavier. He was coming to drop off some of the money he owes us. And I'm fairly sure they talked about me and his brother.

When I went to the Diner, Colleen was still trying to convince me to do the stupid speed dating thing. It pissed me off and I really wasn't in the mood, especially as I bumped right into Hugo who didn't seem to think that he had done anything wrong. He apologised and explained that he got a call to say that some kids were mucking around with his boat. I was pretty short with him and when he asked to rearranged our 'meeting' I told him to talk to Watson.

Work was alright although I had to put Watson in her place pretty quickly when she asked about my date. I hope I wasn't too rude to her. She's a lovely woman and I feel like we are starting to build a nice friendship. I really enjoy working with her. She's funny and she's sweet.

We closed the case on the assault down at the docks and nobody has pressed charges. I think the guy that attacked the inspector is an absolute arsehole and he's got a few previous incidents on his record. I definitely don't like him. And I can't stop worrying about that poor girl. I didn't see her around at all today.

At lunch time, I went to the Diner. Alf ambled over and told me that I should give the guy who stood me up a wide berth. He was surprised to find out it was Hugo. I guess because he's Jack's cousin and Martha is so fond of him, everyone assumes that Hugo is a good guy. And he probably is. I think he's okay but he dented my pride – largely because I wasn't actually interested in him in the first place and he _still _rejected me. It doesn't exactly fill a girl with confidence!

When I arrived home from work, Ruby was grinning into her laptop. Xavier and Jai had put together this cute little video where Xavier sincerely apologised with some 'acting' and some flash cards. It was cute enough to penetrate my mood a little but I'm still worried. Ruby is sure that Xavier has learnt his lesson but I am still very concerned that he is going to hurt my little girl. I don't know what she replied to his email but she seemed to take what I said on board because the next thing I knew, I was being 'persuaded'.

Hugo and Xavier showed up and while Ruby and Xavier hid outside, Hugo apologised sincerely for standing me up. It appears that Alf told him I looked hot. I was pretty humiliated by that but I think it's sweet that he cares. I guess technically he's my step-uncle or something like that.

Anyway, Hugo and I decided to put everything behind us and I was grateful that he didn't try to press the issue of us rearranging. I definitely don't want to go on a date or a business dinner with him or with anyone.

But I reluctantly agreed to let Ruby and Xavier start seeing each other but they will definitely be under mine and Hugo's watchful eyes. I don't trust Xavier or Hugo really and I swear that I will kill Xavier if he does my Ruby wrong. But I know I can't stand in the way of her love life. I don't like it but she is growing up and she will only resent me if I tell her that she can't see him. I think keeping communication open and honest is the important thing and I will go with that. But, like I said, if he hurts her, he's dead meat.

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 5<strong>**th**** March**

**23:47**

**Home**

I just got home from an evening out with Martha at the Surf Club. It was nice to spend time with her, although that horrible Robbo guy was there. He officially disgusts me. He was there with Aden and his buddies from the trawler and got trashed pretty quickly. He was clumsy and kept spilling drinks and making a mess. He was loud and obnoxious and he looked like he was pissing Aden off a great deal.

I gather that Belle had gone to concert for work and Alf had acquired free tickets so Jai, Annie, Geoff and Nicole had gone along too. But Aden seemed to be trying to call Belle a lot and seemed frustrated at not being able to get through.

Alf ended up throwing Robbo out and the rest of the guys left with him. He (Robbo, not Alf!) made a few ridiculous passes at me that made my skin crawl. I'd prefer to date Hugo than that creep! Something about him just makes me feel sick. He reminds me of Grant, or at least the kind of man that I always imagined Grant to grow up to be. Not that I think about him a lot. I can't bear it. I've never hated anyone before but I hate him. And I always will. I definitely don't like this Robbo guy either though. He's vile. I wonder if Joey is okay.

The speed dating night thing happened tonight and I gather it went well. Leah attended and she got home roughly the same time I did. We had a bit of a gossip about it before I came in here to write my diary and go to bed.

Apparently Roman got dragged into it at the last minute, which he wasn't very impressed with. I can't imagine it being his kind of thing! But Leah said it wasn't so bad. There were a few creeps, including some weird guy who literally wrote down all of Leah's answers. But she got a few numbers and she is musing over calling them. She said there was a nice guy called George there that she quite liked. If something good came out of it, then I hope it's Leah being happy. But I definitely don't regret my decision not to go. I do not want a boyfriend, that's for sure!

Martha seems to have other ideas for me. She spent a fair amount of time trying to convince me that Hugo was the kind of guy I'd like to go out with but I'm feeling pretty certain about this. I've told her that I don't hold a grudge and it's all water under the bridge but if I do go for dinner with him, it really will be a business thing. I am not interested in a romantic liaison of any kind.

I just want to be by myself right now. I'm back on speaking terms with Roman but I am glad that we broke up when we did. He wasn't right for me. And I guess I was saved a lot of heartache when it came to Angelo because it was over before it started. If he's the kind of man who can shoot someone dead and then lie about it, I don't think he's exactly a good catch.

With those two disasters behind me, the last thing I want is another. I was lucky with Miles but Hugo messed me around and upset me when I didn't even like him. And judging by this Robbo guy, I'm not feeling very man friendly right now. So yes, I want to be carefree and single. There is much more to life than men. Much, much more. But I had a great time with Martha. I think I'm going to invite her to lunch tomorrow.

Speaking of romance though, I heard from Leah too that she thinks there might be an attraction between Irene and Lou DeBono. Apparently, he spent the whole night helping with the buffet and he and Irene were pretty flirty with each other. I think that's very cute.

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 6<strong>**th**** March**

**19:08**

**Home**

I started my day by stopping round at Martha's. Alf was there, fixing the sink that Hugo broke when he was trying to help. Apparently making a mess of things is his forte. I invited Martha out to lunch. She was a little suspicious of all the attention she has been getting from her friends and family lately but it's just because we care. I think she is incredible for how strong she is and how well she is coping but she is definitely in need of some TLC.

I had a really good work out at the gym, showered and changed while I was there and then met Martha in the Surf Club for lunch. We chatted loads. She's very concerned about Alf struggling to get support at the bar. She has offered to return to work part time but he thinks it is too much too soon for her and I think he is probably right.

But Bridget left a big hole in the staff, not to mention the poor guy's heart and Tony doesn't seem to be around much lately. Martha confided that Rachel thought he was having an affair for a while because he kept disappearing but as it turned out, he was fixing up Jack's boat and getting discounted supplies so the handovers had to be done at discreet times. Martha said she's visited the boat a lot and she's glad that Tony had worked on it so lovingly. It's almost perfect and she says it makes her feel closer to her husband. We talked a little about Hugo but I told her that I wasn't ready to start dating anyone new.

The conversation continued but my attention got caught up in Aden bringing Joey to the bar. After the last few days, she looked really chirpy and before we knew it, she was starting work behind the bar. Alf showed her the ropes and she really took to it. She was friendly and sweet with the customers and she must have made a good impression on Alf because he was happy to leave her on her own for it bit. Unfortunately, that didn't go well.

As soon as Alf left, that Robbo guy came in. I was half listening to Martha but mostly watching them. It was like Joey completely dissolved right there in front of him. I don't know what the hell he said to her but once he'd left, she ran right into the store cupboard and hid. My heart just broke for her. She was a real mess. She'd been doing so well until that moment.

I left Martha, who was _still _talking about Hugo – fortunately about his business ideas instead of me and him being some sort of couple – and followed her. She was in floods of tears. It was all too scarily familiar to me. I've cried like that. I've broken like that. I don't know anything for sure but now I'm scared of what this poor girl has been through.

She apologised and said she couldn't go back there. I tried to comfort her but when I touched her shoulder, she reacted as if I'd punched her. She looked so fragile and so frightened. I told her to stay put and I went to get Martha. We concocted a story for Alf that Joey was sick and had to go home.

I went back in but Joey rejected my offer to drive her home. She said she could walk and honestly, she couldn't have got out of there fast enough. I am so beyond worried. Part of me wants to track her down and talk to her but it seems too intrusive. I can hardly get her out of my mind though.

Once Alf had returned to the bar, Martha and I headed back to hers and had a coffee. I was stressing about Joey and Martha was concerned too, although she was more worried about Alf. She pressed the Hugo issue one too many times and I admit that I snapped at her. We made up in a few seconds though. She apologised and so did I. It was nice to spend some girl time with Martha and I hope we can do it again.

I've just got home and I thought I'd write it all down before I do a bit of paperwork. I've got tomorrow off too and then it's back to work on Sunday. I still wonder about that poor Joey girl. I hope she is alright.

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 7<strong>**th**** March**

**20:11**

**Home**

I had a nice day off. Apparently Aden went for that Robbo bloke last night in the Surf Club. They had some kind of argument about Joey. I'm still worried about her. I dreamt about her last night. All I could see was her frightened face and those sad, haunted eyes. I feel compelled to save her but I don't know how. I don't know _her_. What can I do?

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Joey confides in Charlie about Robbo's attack, news about Angelo leads Martha into danger and Charlie suspects an attraction between Leah and Roman…<em>


	42. Chapter 42

_Sorry I am late again. I'm trying to engage in the 3D world a bit more! We're coming into the Joey part of Charlie's story and I have tried to make it different to 'Writing to Reach You', which was one of my very first stories so I hope you like it. Love, IJKS xxx_

**Chapter Forty Two**

**Monday 9****th**** March**

**20:01**

**Home**

I had a pretty hard day at work and I am glad to be home. We chased a car thief almost out to the city. That was pretty exciting until the guy crashed. Watson and I called an ambulance and they took him to the nearest hospital.

On the wall though, there was a list of patients in cubicles and Angelo's name was up there. It was a bit of a shock. I nudged Watson and she said she didn't care. In the end, curiosity got the better of us and I asked at reception. Apparently he'd been beaten up and it was the second time he'd been injured badly enough to come out to a hospital, although they said it was nothing life threatening. I assume everyone has got wind of him being a cop. It's not exactly the most popular profession inside. Either that or he just wound people up. I mean, I liked him a lot until all this (obviously) but he was pretty annoying when I first met him. I'm torn between feeling sorry for him and wondering if he's in as much pain as Jack must have been when he bled to death. We didn't go in and see him.

Watson and I agreed not to mention anything to anyone else. Angelo is not a popular name around here and I think most of the locals would just like to forget him. Life every day is so hard for poor Martha and obviously that affects those that love her like Alf and Morag, Hugo and Roman. And me. I love her too. It was really nice spending time with her last week and I hope it continues.

Anyway, I knocked off a couple of hours ago and grabbed something to eat with Ruby. She is in a particularly chipper mood now that she and Xavier are on as a proper couple with no objections from their elders or interference from Freya or anyone like her. She's actually glowing. It's cute. Although, apparently this is an inappropriate thing to tell her in front of her friends (Annie and Jai were around when I said it). I think I just earned a few points in the embarrassing family member department. Well done me!

Right, well, I am going to have a nice hot bath and then a nice long sleep.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 10<strong>**th**** March**

**22:17**

**Home**

Well, it's been another busy day. I worked all day and then had some Ruby related crap to deal with this evening. I knew it wouldn't take long for Xavier to start causing trouble again. He's been well behaved for at least a day so I guess it was due! Are you guessing that I'm still not much of a fan? I'm doing my best but he's not well behaved and I just want Ruby to be good and well and happy. Is that too much to ask?

Anyway, the long and short of it is that Xavier had the ingenious idea of attaching skate wheels to a wheelie bin from the caravan park. He, along with Jai, Annie and Ruby, took it down the road. Xavier hopped on board and went skating down the road but ended up in front of Irene's car (Kirsty was driving). She swerved in order not to hit him and hit Martin's car instead. Big crash. Xavier (and the others) ran off and kept quiet. I still wonder if they would have come forward if they hadn't been found out.

After a bit a detective work between Alf, Miles, Bartlett and Hugo, they figured out what had happened. Alf and Miles hammed up the consequences for Kirsty, Irene and Martin and Jai ended up confessing. Ruby went round to warn Xavier and encourage him to tell the truth and he reluctantly did. Bartlett already knew it was him because Kirsty had described the hoodie the kid was wearing. Apparently Hugo was mightily pissed off and I don't blame him.

At lunch time, I ran into Miles. He looked like he had the weight of the world on his shoulders. He's feeling really messed up (and hurt) about Kirsty being back for good. He said he was just starting to get over her.

Since then, I've been told that Leah and Roman tried to match-make them tonight. They had an excess of seafood at the Diner and so invited both Miles and Kirsty for dinner with them without telling the other that they were coming. Unfortunately, only Kirsty showed up (late). She and Miles had got stuck in a store cupboard together while doing some inventory for Martin at the school. Miles had gone home and Kirsty had requested that Roman and Leah not interfere anymore. I guess they were trying their best and it was a sweet gesture but even if Kirsty and Miles do get back together some time in the future, I don't think it should be forced. Miles is really hurting. We bonded over our weekend in Melbourne and I do feel quite protective of him now.

Oh, and, guess what! Leah has a date with George, one of the guys she met at the speed dating night!

Apparently Belle tackled Lou DeBono about sexual harassment on his trawlers. Leah just mentioned it in passing (Irene was pissed off and she seems to be having a budding romance with Lou) but I felt my heart sink like a stone.

I immediately thought about Joey. Women on trawlers isn't exactly a common thing (at least round here). And she was pretty stressed out the other day. And Aden had a go at that Robbo guy. It's all making a horrific kind of sense and I just hope it's not as bad as I first feared. I want to help but I don't even know the girl. I've spoken to her a total of three times – once when I bumped into her, once when I was investigating the assault on the trawler inspector and once when I rescued her from the store cupboard. I'm not exactly the person she'll open up to, am I? She could have on that third time but she didn't and I don't feel like it's my place.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 11<strong>**th**** March**

**13:08**

**The Beach**

I'm just on my lunch break at the moment. I thought I'd head out to the beach. I usually see Joey around but I haven't seen her for days. I hope she is okay. I seem to spend my life worrying about people at the moment.

I'm constantly concerned about Dad and I am so grateful that Morag takes care of him so well. I'm worried about Ruby, although so far, there have been no Xavier related incidents today. But then, it is only lunch time, I guess. I'm worried about Martha and now I'm worried about a girl I don't even know! Maybe I enjoy it!

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 11<strong>**th**** March **

**19:29**

**Home**

I had a nice dinner with Ruby tonight. I mean, we have dinner together most nights but I guess I feel they are worth commenting on because I enjoy them so much. I love her so much.

She gave me her usual school report. Geoff and Nicole appear to be reaching breaking point. There was some kind of row about this new boy, Trey. And it looks like Geoff punched him but Geoff is denying it. He said they were boxing and the pad Trey was holding slipped so Geoff ended up punching him in the face. I guess the story is credible. Sort of. Nicole apparently doesn't believe it. But Geoff is an honest, Christian boy so punching a guy unprovoked doesn't seem like the kind of thing he'd do. I don't know what Trey is like though. I only know Geoff.

Rubes also said that Miles looked pretty strung out and she saw him argue with Kirsty. It was something about cleaning his blackboard. Poor guy. I hope they can find some kind of resolution.

Anyway, Ruby is staying in tonight so we're going to get some ice cream and watch some TV together. Sounds like a perfect evening to me.

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 12<strong>**th**** March**

**18:52**

**Home**

I get a day off tomorrow, which I am really looking forward to. I'm going to drive into the city for the day and see Dad. I feel bad that I'm not taking Ruby but she has school and I can't always get weekends off. I'm working all weekend this weekend so I'd like to take the moment where I can.

Leah came home very excited last night. As a belated birthday present, Roman has booked her in for a master class with the chef of a fancy restaurant in the city. Apparently she mentioned always wanting to go and he has already been there so he booked her the master class as a treat. That was really sweet of him. It's weird actually. I don't know if Leah has noticed but I've definitely started to notice the way he looks at her sometimes. And now with this gift, I wonder if he has feelings for her. I don't know. I could be just over dramatising but I do wonder. I'm not entirely sure how I feel about it.

Also, it seems like Martha has taken a big step forward. She got rid of some of Jack's clothes. Colleen tried to help her but Martha shouted her away. Then after a bit of a heart to heart with her granddad, Martha called Leah and asked her to help. She's kept some things, which I think is the right thing to do. But she has got rid of some. She told Leah and Alf that she cries every time she opens the wardrobe so perhaps this will help her begin to try and pick her life back up.

I saw Joey on the beach this afternoon. She's a mess. My heart was breaking for her. She was huddled up in tears and in this huge sweatshirt. She looked like she just wanted to become invisible. Poor thing. I have a horrible, horrible feeling that I know what she's going through. And I don't know what to do.

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 13<strong>**th**** March**

**23:39**

**Home**

I had a nice day out with Dad. Morag gave us some alone time, which was nice. We don't really get that much father/daughter time and that's been an issue for my whole life. We went for a nice stroll in the park and chatted about life in general. He told me about his treatment and we talked a lot about Ruby.

He asked how things were going in my life and I said that they were fine. I told him about work and I mentioned Joey without even meaning to. I guess I really am worried about her. I don't know why she seems to mean so much to me but she just... does. It's not something I can really explain.

He asked about my love life and I stated firmly and happily that it is non-existent and that's the way I would like it to stay. Apparently he heard on the grapevine that I went on a date with Hugo but I said it only reinforced the idea that I want to stay single. He confessed that he still worries about me every time I go on a date with a new guy in case something bad happens. We didn't talk about _it _exactly. Neither of us have the strength. But it's the closest we've ever come to referencing that awful, awful night.

I thought about the Roman/Leah thing on the way home – if it is a thing. I could well be jumping to conclusions. But over the last week or so, I have noticed something different about them. Not about Leah exactly but about Roman and I realised in the car ride home that he's started looking at her in the way I always wanted him to look at me. It's the same way I've seen him look at Martha. But never, ever me. And I think I feel sad about the fact that he never looked that way at me. But not so sad that it's really bothering me. I just don't care anymore, I guess.

I'm glad that we finished before I started caring too much. And as for something happening between him and Leah... well, I thought I'd feel strange or jealous or something but I don't. I wish them the best of luck if they're going to start seeing each other. Although, I do believe she's oblivious and besides, she's going on a date with that George guy. But anyway, those are my musings. And I am proud to see how much I have grown!

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 14<strong>**th**** March**

**19:00**

**Home**

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. And that is all I have to say about that! Fuck!

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 14<strong>**th**** March**

**20:30**

**Home**

Okay, I am feeling a little more reasonable now. But not much so bear with me, please. Ugh! Fuck! No, I can't write yet. Fuuuuuuuuck!

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 14<strong>**th**** March**

**21:45**

**Home**

Right, I really am going to write this time. Okay, Charlie, take a deep breath and go.

My day started by heading to the Diner to get my usual caffeine fix before work. I saw Joey on the beach and she looked even more of a wreck than she did before, which, quite honestly is saying something. She just breaks my heart. She's so beautiful and today, having got to know her, I also realise she's a beautiful person on the inside too. She's been through so much and been hurt so badly.

And I swear, I just want to kill the guy who did this to her. I want to castrate him. I want to do all kinds of things that will put me in prison. You know, unless I get as fucking lucky as Angelo and get off scot free. Ugh!

No. I can't write yet. This has been such an awful day. I just... this world disgusts me. And I officially hate men! All of them are bastards. Except Aden. He's nice. But the rest of them... I need more wine.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 15<strong>**th**** March**

**02:15**

**Home**

I really am going to write things down this time or I won't ever get to sleep and I have a pretty long day ahead of me tomorrow so I do need to get some rest. I just can't get Joey out of my head. I feel so, so sad for her.

Aden came and found me at the station this morning with a hypothetical query about a case. I knew he was talking about Joey from the off, although he was reluctant to admit that. Basically, he wanted to know what would happen if a girl said a guy raped her but he was claiming consensual sex, and then it turned out that the girl was gay.

Apparently, Joey rescued Nicole from getting some hassle from Trey earlier in the day. Then she asked her out. Nicole turned her down gently. I hope she was gentle anyway. Poor Joey is fragile enough right now without getting a blunt rejection from a brat. Anyway, I'm being judgemental and it's detracting from the story.

Nicole went home and mentioned it to Aden, who hurried on down to see me with his query. I asked outright if it was Joey but he said he couldn't say. I knew it was though and it frustrated me. I just want to help her so much.

Aden went off to see Joey in order to try and convince her to come and see me but when I saw him again at the Diner, he said that she had refused. I hadn't been able to stop thinking about her all day. Well, let's face it, I haven't been able to stop thinking about her since I knew there was something wrong. And before that, I confess I had some kind of fascination with her that I still can't quite explain. Maybe it's the world's way of telling me that I have to help her.

She's significantly older than I was when I was attacked (she's 24 and I was 14) but perhaps she is the girl that I can get justice for. All this time, I have shied away from rape cases. I've found them too emotional, too hard to handle. But I want to help Joey. I want to save her. I want to get her the justice she deserves. I have to. I can't let this go.

I begged Aden to take me to her and he reluctantly agreed. We drove over in the patrol car and knocked on the door. She panicked as soon as she saw the uniform and tried to shut the door in our faces but I was expecting it and stuck my foot in the door. She reluctantly came outside but looked ready to flee at any moment. She was very edgy with her gaze flitting between me, Aden, the floor and her house, like she was afraid of a monster running out and attacking her. I guess that would make sense really.

Anyway, I made it clear that I was worried with her and said she didn't have to do this alone. The worst thing back when I was a teenager was being so alone. I don't want Joey (or anyone) to have to go through that. I asked her to come to the station, just to talk with me and she just about agreed, although she was pretty pissed with Aden for bringing me to her house.

She said she had something to do, which turned out to be making excuses to her brother, Brett. Aden and I waited in the car and she came back out a few minutes later. She sat in the back of the patrol car with Aden and we dropped him off at the Surf Club.

Joey and I sat in the station for a good long while but she wouldn't talk to me. We'd made small talk in the car but she totally clammed up when we sat in the interview room. I can't blame her. I've never told anyone in any kind of real detail about what Grant did to me. Mum, Dad and my Auntie Michelle know what took place but we never went into detail. It's not something I could ever imagine really talking about.

So, I felt awful trying to get Joey to bear her soul. I hated having to tell her that if she made a statement, Robbo would be unlikely to be held in custody until after his trial. She was pretty freaked at the idea that he could be walking free, knowing she had pressed charges against him. I told her that we could put out an AVO against him to stop him going near her but she didn't think a piece of paper would stop him approaching her if he wanted to.

I made it clear that I was on her side and she referenced 'other things' she didn't want anyone to know. I tried to coax it out of her, making it clear that I wouldn't judge her. She said then that her brother, Brett would throw her out. I'd say I can't believe it but now that I've met him, I'm not so confident. All I can conclude is that he's a bastard too. But I'll come to that later.

I wasn't having any real luck with Joey in the interview room and I thought she was probably feeling intimidated by the formal surroundings. I know she goes to the beach a lot, although I didn't exactly say that I'd noticed her often enough to keep writing about her in here! I think that would have come over as a little odd.

But we sat on the beach for several hours and she really did open me. I felt very touched to have shared that with her. She told me how ashamed she felt about the whole thing. I tried to reassure her but what could I really say? I told her that the only person who should be ashamed is Robbo and I encouraged her to tell her side of the story. I explained that Robbo was claiming consensual sex, which she looked both alarmed and repulsed by.

It took a little coaxing for her to come out to me. She knew I already knew but I had to get her to say the words. I said it doesn't have to be part of her statement but that it would help make Robbo look unreliable. We talked some more and she said she couldn't do it. She was too afraid of coming out and being rejected by her homophobic brother. She just kept panicking the more she considered telling the truth.

It took a while to talk her down. And for the final hour we spent together, I pretty much just sat there, holding her and telling her that it was okay if she couldn't speak up. She just dissolved in my arms and sobbed. She completely broke down and to be honest, I struggled not to break down with her.

I took her back home and I gave her my mobile number and told her to call any time she needed me. I made it clear that it wasn't about it being a police thing. Even if she just wanted a friend or to talk to someone off the record, I promised I would be there. And I will. I also said that it was never too late to press charges against Robbo if, somewhere down the line, she wanted to but there's no pressure.

Well, it seems that while I was with Joey, Robbo was causing trouble. He found Aden at the Surf Club and laid into him about Joey. He insisted that Joey was lying but Aden remained firm and true to his friend. He should be very proud of himself. It wasn't that long ago that we were arresting him for trying to kill his Dad. He was so messed up and so broken, about the same kind of thing that Joey is going through. I guess that's one of the reasons why he has taken her to heart. I wonder if Joey knows what he's been through.

I ran into him again in the Diner and he was desperate to know how things had gone with his friend. I explained that Joey wouldn't press charges. He was so upset. He charged off and I gather he went to find her. Unfortunately, Robbo had found her first and by the time Aden and Belle showed up, he was already threatening her to keep her mouth shut. Aden attacked him, a fact that I will pretend I don't know. He is still on his good behaviour bond and assaulting Robbo, regardless of how monstrous the guy is, would break that.

Robbo stropped off and Joey ran off too. Aden and Belle found her back at the Diner in tears and by all accounts, he got a little aggressive in his desperation to get her to tell the truth. I don't necessarily agree with his methods but he got through to her. And that's what counts. Well, it would have if her damn brother hadn't interfered at the last minute.

I headed home because Leah asked me to be there for when Irene came over to borrow a clutch purse for her date with Lou. I handed over the purse and it was all going well until she dropped it, bent over and split her dress. I was about to help her fix it, because I think it was salvageable but she ran out in a state of despair, shouting about cancelling the date altogether. I felt so sorry for her. I wonder if she did cancel. I shall have to ask Leah tomorrow. Well... today actually. Time really is getting on. I am going to be an absolute wreck in the morning.

Anyway, once Irene had left, I got a text from Joey asking to see me. I pretty much ran out of the house and picked her up from the Diner. I brought her to the station and she broke down and told me everything in graphic detail. She didn't want to say it and it broke my heart to hear it but it was important to get it done. She cried. (So did I but I hope I hid it).

I shut us away in the room and insisted that nobody come in. I wrote down what she said, although there were a few pauses while I held her hand in order to stop her breaking down. I don't think I have ever seen so much grief radiating from a person before. And I knew all too well what she was feeling.

She's so lovely and she deserves so much better than this. I just hope that she will be able to build herself back up and learn that there is life after rape. And I hope that I can support her through it all. She was really sweet actually. She told me she was doing it for me. I hope that means that she trusts me and perhaps we can be friends. Perhaps I can help her through this.

But it went wrong right before she signed. Brett burst in on us and literally dragged her out of there. Robbo had come to him and told him a pack of lies. Joey looked so terrified and all she could say was sorry to me. I tried to make him stop, make him listen but he'd hauled her into the car before I could even leave the station. I just... the image of that happening to her, after everything she's already gone through... It just makes me want to cry. Fuck it, I am crying. That poor, poor, sweet girl. All I want to do is take her pain away.

In other news, Tony finished Jack's boat, only for it to go missing later today. What kind of bastard would do that? Mind you, with the kind of bastards I now know exist in this town, I don't know why I'm surprised. But they all need this like a hole in the head, especially after a day like today.

We got word that Angelo's trial has been cancelled. Apparently there isn't enough evidence for a conviction so he's pretty much being let off for killing Jack. Like fuck there wasn't enough evidence! They had the weapon, the bullet and a confession! What more does a court need? I am so angry about it.

I spent much of the afternoon trying to get in touch with Martha. I've left messages checking she is okay but she hasn't got back to me. I just can't believe that after all the hell they've been through, justice isn't going to be served. I know that it wasn't murder. I know Angelo didn't mean it but at the end of the day a beloved husband and son has been killed. And he shouldn't have been. Someone should have paid for it and that should have been Angelo. It should have been manslaughter if it wasn't murder. It should definitely have been something. But now his crime is going to go unpunished. I just hope that he doesn't see fit to try and come back here. The last person any of us want to ever see again is him.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 15<strong>**th**** March**

**14:50**

**The Beach**

It turns out that the person who took the boat out was Martha. Upset about Angelo's news, she'd taken it out on the ocean in order to try and feel closer to Jack. It's an honest to God miracle that she survived. Hugo found her on the beach, washed up and unconscious. She suffered nothing more than a concussion, which is just astounding. I like to think that perhaps somehow Jack was looking after her.

I am going to go and visit tomorrow. She's out of hospital but I gather she's been inundated with visitors today. Alf, Roman, Hugo, Colleen and Rachel were fussing around her for most of the day so I will go tomorrow and hopefully things will be quieter. I'm just glad that she's okay. Well, as okay as you can be when you're in your twenties and you've just lost your husband.

I gather Geoff and Nicole had yet another argument today. It was all a mix up because Geoff saw Nicole talking to another guy but as it turns out she was arranging for a boat to take her and Geoff to the island they got together on. I think that's a really nice, romantic gesture, although I am surprised that Roman is going for it. Still, he probably wouldn't if she was seeing anyone but Geoff. But he's a good, honest boy and he clearly wants to do right by her. I hope their weekend fixes something.

I'm also surprised Roman is letting Nicole skip the Career Day tomorrow. Rubes is most irritated that the older kids get a day off and worse than that, Nicole and Geoff get to go on holiday. It wasn't even nearly enough to make me let her have the day off too!

I texted Joey this afternoon. I was a bit nervous about doing it but I wanted her to know that I care. Even if she can't press charges, I don't want her to feel alone. She texted back after half an hour, just to say that she was fine. She thanked me for my help and apologised for wasting my time. I assured her that she didn't waste my time and if she wanted to come and talk to me another time, even if I was off duty, she would be welcome. She thanked me but I don't think she'll go for it. And I don't think she's fine. I mean, how could she be? She's been raped by a disgusting monster and she's living with a homophobic bully of a brother. How she's even keeping breathing right now is beyond me.

* * *

><p><em>Next time… thrown out by her homophobic brother, Brett after pressing charges against Robbo, Joey moves in with Charlie, Ruby, Leah and VJ…<em>


	43. Chapter 43

**Chapter Forty Three**

**Monday 16****th**** March**

**21:08**

**Home**

Well, it was another day at work. I was mostly dealing with paperwork really. Nothing from Joey. I want to text her but I also don't want to crowd her. It's hard to find a happy medium really. How do I help her and take care of her without forcing my support on her? I don't know. I just wish she'd get in touch and tell me that she's going to press on with the statement anyway, regardless of what her idiotic brother says.

Ruby was in a particularly grumpy mood this morning. She is still going on about the other kids getting a career day and the fact the Geoff and Nicole have managed to skive off even that. But she can sulk as much as she likes. She still has to go to school! I am definitely not budging on that one.

When she came home tonight she was even grumpier, although at least it was about something real this time. She said that this new guy, Trey, the one who caused so much trouble between Nicole and Geoff, made some kind of racist remark towards Jai. The boys began to fight but got interrupted and Kirsty took Trey's side instead of Jai's. I don't know whether to intervene or not. Racism is something nobody must ever tolerate. But at the same time, it does seem like Jai is willing to stand up for himself. I've only got Ruby's side of the story and no real evidence of my own. So, I don't know. Maybe if I see Miles, I'll mention it to him but I don't want to interfere where I'm not wanted. I will make sure Rubes keeps me up to date though. If it gets more serious I will definitely get involved.

Ruby wants to go camping with Xavier, Annie and Jai next week. I'm not so sure. The Jai and Annie part is fine but I still don't trust Xavier any further than I could throw him. Mind you, I could probably throw him pretty far if I was provoked so maybe I should come up with another analogy.

Leah told me that Jack's life insurance has come through today and it's thrown Martha through a loop. She feels like she is profiting from her husband's death, which is obviously not the case, although I get where she is coming from. No amount of money can replace the person you love.

Not that I've ever been in love but I can imagine, for the most part, what it's like. Well, I say that... Sometimes I wonder if I'm incapable of love. I can hardly see myself as the kind of woman to fall so deeply for someone, to trust them, to give them everything I am, to want to spend all my time with them, to want them so much that I can barely breathe. I don't know. I like the idea. But I wonder if the world around me just exaggerates how wonderful this romance stuff can be.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 17<strong>**th**** March**

**14:08**

**The Beach**

You know, seeing the time written down that has really freaked me out ever since a saw the movie with the same name. I still can't watch it all the way through.

But anyway, Geoff and Nicole's trip didn't go to plan. I had the day off so I'm not party to all the details but it seems they encountered some crazy guy who scared the shit out of them. I ran into a couple of officers on their way back from interviewing them at the hospital.

Basically, they were camping and had a bit of a dispute when this guy showed up. He scared them and told them that he had killed people and is still haunted by their faces or something. He pretty much held them hostage and threw their emergency radio into the sea when Geoff tried to call for help. They were terrified and Geoff encouraged Nicole to go and hide. His plan was to spend the evening with the guy and then he and Nicole could escape in the morning. He wanted to keep Nicole safe. But the man caught Nicole and there was some kind of chase through the woods. Geoff hit him and he fell on his knife. They ran and hid.

And then when the boat came back but Geoff and Nicole didn't, Roman took Hugo to the island with him to rescue them. That's the long and the short of it. We have no idea who the guy is, aside from Geoff and Nicole's description.

Apparently Geoff was pretty panicked that he would get into trouble for what happened to the man but it's unlikely. If he's as dodgy as he sounds, the chances of him wanting to come and talk to the police about some kid accidentally injuring him are pretty slim. I can imagine he'd want to stay as far away from us as possible.

Hang on, I've just spotted Joey.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 17<strong>**th**** March**

**20:30**

**Home**

I swear, if it's the last thing I do, I am going to bring Robbo Cruze down. He's going to spend as many years in jail as I can manage and then if there's any true justice in the world, he's going to burn in hell! I actually hate him as much as the other rapist I knew. I didn't think that was actually possible but what do you know? It is. I do.

I spent most of the afternoon with Joey once I'd spotted her on the beach. She was less edgy around me because I wasn't in uniform and I guess she hoped that if we ran into Brett, he wouldn't recognise me. Fortunately, we didn't have to cross that bridge. But we talked a lot. She's so broken and so lost. I was breaking my heart for her. She was embarrassed because she couldn't talk about any of it without crying but that's hardly surprising, is it?

In the end, I took her out for an early dinner, away from prying eyes. It was really nice actually. I mean, we talked about the horror that she's been through but it was also nice to talk about normal, every day things. She told me how, before all of this happened, she was working in her ideal job. She told me that she comes from a fisherman's family and all she has ever wanted to do is work on boats.

She's twenty four now and left school at eighteen but because trawlers are pretty much a man's world, despite her experience, she struggled to find work. Until this job with Aden, she's just done filler jobs but she said she was never happier than when she was out on the water. She was adorably enthusiastic about boats and we talked about maybe going out on one sometime. I hope that will happen. I don't just want to save her. I want to be her friend. And not just for the short term either. I hope that this could be the start of something special.

Joey is so funny and sweet. I've never got along so well with someone before. I think she's amazing. She's so different from me but somehow, we seem to connect. I honestly think she's wonderful. And like I said, if it's the last thing I do, I am going to get justice for her. She deserves that.

I had to babysit VJ tonight as Leah had her master class booked so unfortunately, I had to drop Joey home earlier than I would have liked. But she seemed to appreciate the company and I hope I was a good distraction for what she is going through.

One thing I would have loved to have had when I was going through what Joey is going through, would have been a friend. I cannot remember a lonelier time in my life and I want to help Joey as much as I can.

But anyway, I got back a couple of hours ago and saw Leah off on her master class. She had been considering inviting Roman to go with her, as he is the one who booked and paid for it. But after everything that happened today with Geoff and Nicole, obviously he was otherwise engaged. So, Leah chose to make tonight her first date with George. I hope they have a good time. And I hope Joey is okay.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 18<strong>**th**** March**

**21:19**

**Home**

I was pretty busy today. I had my normal workload and then, after I was meant to clock off, I started my own investigation. I know Joey doesn't want me to go ahead but my hope is that if I can gather my own evidence against Robbo, she might be encouraged to go ahead.

It took a lot of work. He's got a record in terms of some speeding tickets and drunken, loutish behaviour. But once I'd managed to dig a little deeper, I managed to connect him to another rape case. He was never named as the attacker but it was his girlfriend at the time, a girl called Tanya, who was the victim.

When I opened the file, I realised that Rachel had treated her and she'd been sufficiently concerned that she had flagged him up with us. We interviewed her apparently – it was probably one of those rape cases that I was so eager to stay away from – but she said she didn't recognise her attacker. We had no choice but to leave it at that.

But I went to see Rachel at the hospital this evening and she recognised the girl instantly. I showed her Robbo's picture and she named him at the boyfriend. It's exactly what I need. Now I can contact this Tanya girl and hopefully try to convince her to tell the truth about what happened to her. If Robbo raped her then his declaration that it was consensual with Joey would be even less credible than it already is. And while Joey coming out would obviously help, if he had two charges against him, she might not have to. Then she might go ahead. I don't know if it'll work but I think it's worth a try.

Oh, and I ran into Miles during lunch. He was in a fairly thunderous mood but I took the moment to tell him what Ruby had said about Jai and Trey. He thanked me and assured me that he knew what was going on and despite what Kirsty believed, he supported Jai wholeheartedly. The bitter way in which he mentioned Kirsty's name suggests that yet more arguments have ensued. Poor guy. He deserves better.

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 20<strong>**th**** March**

**00:44**

**Home**

I am in the lounge and I'm pretty exhausted but I thought I would write in here quickly before going to bed. I'm kipping in with Ruby as Joey is sleeping in my room. Long story! But I hope that I have done the right thing. I feel like I've made a pig's ear of it all personally but Joey insisted that she was grateful.

I went into work early and called Tanya before I had even had my first coffee of the day. I kind of led her to believe that she was obliged to come in, although she wasn't really. And we made an appointment for ten o'clock. We'd been called to a car crash but I sent another team out because there was no way I was losing the chance to get started on prosecuting Robbo. She didn't want to talk at first. Then I told her about what had happened with Joey (without naming names) and begged her to help me stop him from attacking someone else.

She reluctantly agreed and I left her to make a signed statement with another officer while I took Watson down to the docks to bring Robbo in for questioning. He was lounging around with Brett. I honestly don't know how either of them live with themselves after how they have treated poor Joey.

Anyway, I hauled him in for questioning. Joey caught me at it, which wasn't quite part of the plan. She looked terrified but I told her that I was doing it for her. Aden was with her and I can only imagine that he was supportive. As much as stupid Brett has let Joey down, Aden has really been there for her. I know he feels guilty and like he could have and should have stopped it happening but Robbo had a hate campaign against Joey for a while. I think, unfortunately, it was always going to happen. And nobody could protect her twenty-four hours a day – although that is what I hope to do from now on.

We arrived at the police station. He caught sight of Tanya and she spotted him, which again, was not part of the plan and it kind of wrecked the whole thing. I went in and interviewed Robbo while Watson went to sit in with Tanya. He made me feel sick, the way he sat there, so smug and sure of himself. I accused him of assaulting and raping Tanya and made it clear that she was pressing charges. I was just getting into my stride and about to spell out that he was going down for that and for raping Joey, when Watson came in. She'd let Tanya go to the bathroom and she'd run out of the station – without signing her statement.

I tried to stall for a good long while but without Tanya or Joey willing to press charges, I knew I couldn't hold him. I set Watson on the case of finding Tanya, which she did but the girl was too terrified to talk. I wanted to try as well but Watson didn't think it would do any good. Therefore, I had no choice but to let the bastard go. He was disgusting right to the end. He hit on me and his whole demeanour was so damn threatening. Just being in the same room as him makes me want to either throw up or punch him. I just can't bear to think of what he did to Joey.

After Robbo left, I called Joey to come in, which she did. We sat alone in the interview room together and I pretty much begged her to press charges. I explained everything that had happened in the day and I made a vow to stay with her and look after her the whole way through the process. She looked so hopeful and so unsure all at the same time, as if she couldn't quite believe that someone could care that much for her. But I do. I really care about her. She's got to the heart of me and I will take care of her as best I can.

I asked her if she trusted me and it turns out she does. We went down to the pier to meet up with Brett and we told him all about Tanya and also what his so called best mate had done to his sister. He didn't believe us at first but when it finally sunk into this thick head, he wanted to avoid the courts and sort it out himself. As if that was ever going to help!

Joey begged him to leave it alone and said she wanted to go through legal proceedings. He tried to change her mind but I was proud of her strength. Then she came out to him. And now I feel terrible. I'd been so sure that nobody could really be that homophobic anymore but he did exactly everything that she said he would. Bastard. He basically said she was sick and then he made her homeless. Oh, and he accused me of 'influencing' her. As if you can make another person gay! And especially not if you're not gay yourself! And I am definitely not gay.

I've only ever been interested in men and I'd never go with a girl. But I certainly don't have a problem with anyone that does like someone of the same gender. I mean, what is wrong with it? Nothing. It's just as normal as heterosexual relationships. It's not my bag, personally, but it doesn't mean it's not valid. And I'm so angry at Brett for letting Joey down, especially when he knows what she's been through. It's just so sad.

Anyway, I felt so fucking guilty. Brett stormed off and Joey broke down in my arms. Once she'd calmed down enough (and I hope I helped), we went to her house. I waited in the car so that she could pack her stuff and try to talk to him again. But by the time she came back out to me, she had been firmly rejected. She said that Brett was her Dad reincarnated. Well, he certainly sounds like a charmer if Brett is anything to go by! Ugh!

I expressed my guilt and apologised for forcing the issue but she was very charitable about it. She thinks I've done her a favour, although I'm still not so sure. She said that she realised today that she doesn't actually care what he thinks. She was actually pretty chipper for a girl who declared herself to have no job, no friends and nowhere to live. I just felt so sorry for her and so responsible.

We went to the police station and finished up the paperwork for the case against Robbo and I set up an AVO so that the little shit couldn't go anywhere near her. I left her with Watson and then dragged Robbo in, kicking and screaming and arrested his arrogant arse and he's spending a night in a cell. I hope it hurts.

Then I took Joey home with me and kind of put Leah on the spot by asking if Joey could stay for a couple of nights. I introduced her to Leah and to Ruby and sent Ruby off to show her to my room. Leah was more than a little anxious and I had to admit that I was bringing my work home with me. But it's not just that.

I feel close to her in a way that I can't explain. And it's certainly not something I've encountered before. I mean, obviously I have friends. But there's never been anyone that I've been so desperate to be friends with. Usually, I just fall into friendships and that's always been fine for me. But weirdly, Joey has meant a lot to me for a long time, before I even really knew her. There's something special about her and I want to look after her at the worst time in her life. She doesn't really have anyone else.

Leah went out for a second date with George, although she admits that she's not actually that interested in him. She says that he's really nice but just not that interesting. Apparently he is a divorced banker who lived in London for a little while. But even if there isn't an immediate spark, she thinks it might be something worth building on. Good luck to her.

Anyway, Rubes was expecting to babysit but she managed to convince me to do it instead so she could go and hang out with her friends. I was staying in with Joey anyway so I agreed. VJ had been badly behaved earlier in the day so he'd been sent to his room for a bit. And then we had to put him to bed anyway.

Once he was asleep, I cooked Joey and I some dinner and she was so grateful. It was really sweet, actually and insisted on doing the dishes. We had a pretty nice evening, all things considered. We talked a lot and watched a movie, which Ruby joined us for halfway through.

Since then, I helped change all the sheets in my room so that Joey had clean bedding to sleep on. I said goodnight and she thanked me for everything I had done, although I am still worried that I've only made a bad situation worse. Anyway, as she thanked me, she burst into tears again and then apologised. I've literally spent the last hour holding her and I physically put her into bed.

And now I must go to bed myself as I am absolutely wiped out. But I wanted to get everything down and be ready to face the day tomorrow and do my very best for Joey. I can't even begin to explain what she has come to mean to me already. I just hope she sleeps well and can build herself back up after everything she has been through.

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 20<strong>**th**** March**

**23:39**

**Home**

I'm back on the couch writing in my diary again! We had a pretty good day actually and a lovely, lovely evening. Tonight was so awesome. Joey and I just went for dinner and a movie but it was awesome. We got into trouble for laughing too much, and in the wrong places. But it was much fun and I really enjoyed myself.

When we got back here, we had a glass of wine together and Joey has just gone to bed. I thought I'd quickly write in here and then crawl in beside Ruby and hope that I don't wake her, although at least she doesn't have school in the morning.

I was up and out early this morning. I headed out for a run as I wasn't due to start work until later this afternoon. When I arrived, Leah was making Joey some breakfast while Ruby reluctantly went to school. She was a little grumpy about sharing her room last night and told me I fidget too much. I can't help it!

Anyway, VJ declared that he was sick and got the day off school, which of course meant that I ended up babysitting. Joey very sweetly offered to help. She wanted to do her bit to contribute in order to thank us for letting her stay. Leah agreed extremely reluctantly.

I had hoped Joey hadn't noticed Leah's discomfort but she had. I understand where Leah's coming from but I desperately want Joey to have some happy times. She deserves them. And I think she had them today.

As it turned out, I was hardly needed for babysitting duty at all. VJ absolutely fell in love with Joey. It seems she can do no wrong in his eyes. Everything she says is of the utmost interest, everything she does is awesome and she is just generally wonderful. And actually, I pretty much feel the same.

They spent much of the afternoon playing cards and he definitely cheered up from his earlier bad mood. I left them to it and got changed for work and I was just gearing up to leave when Ruby arrived home from school. I told her to take over from Joey, even though our new lodger was perfectly capable. I didn't want to rock the boat with Leah. I teased Joey a little about winning VJ's heart and reminded her to come to the station later.

I headed to work and was told that Robbo had gone to court that morning. He was granted bail but the AVO ensures that he is not allowed to go anywhere near Joey. He can't approach her, call her or even so much as look at her. If he does, he gets put away before his trial and he's likely to encounter some kind of police brutality. Not that I would ever do such a thing, of course.

Towards the end of my shift, Joey came by and we completed the AVO while I explained what it meant and assured her that Robbo couldn't hurt her again. When I asked what she was doing later, she said she was going house hunting. She said that Leah told her she could stay but she didn't want to impose any longer. I don't know why but I just hated the thought of her going. I want to protect her and keep her safe. And I want to be her friend. I absolutely love hanging out with her. I love it more than I can even explain and I just don't want to lose her yet. So I insisted that she stayed. After all, I did promise to keep her safe until the trial and I am nothing if not a woman of my word.

Anyway, with that settled, I knocked off early and took her out to dinner. She isn't working right now so despite her protestations, I happily paid. We talked loads and she brought up the Leah thing. She had seen how uncertain she was about letting her stay but apparently it changed while I was at work.

She'd made some observations about why VJ might be behaving like a little brat at the moment. And she was right. VJ doesn't want Leah dating George. As soon as Leah broke it off with him and made sure VJ knew, everything was fine. So when Joey showed up with her bags packed, ready to leave, Leah and VJ both asked her to stay. She still feels bad to be stealing my room and making me share with Ruby and imposing on Leah and everything but I really do want her to stay. I think I might have found a best friend for life here.

After dinner, neither of us wanted to call it a night so we went to see a movie and then stopped for ice cream on the way home. It was just so nice spending time with her. She is so open and honest and willing to share and she brings out a different side to me.

Normally, I am so closed off and unwilling to talk about how I feel about things but tonight I found myself pouring my heart out to her. We talked about relationships and stuff. She's never really dated boys, although she went on the odd date here and there when she was a younger teenager. She got her first girlfriend when she was sixteen and she's seen a few other girls since then but it's always been a secret and it's never been anything serious.

I was a little alarmed to find myself almost telling her about Grant. But you know, I think one day I could actually see myself doing it. Above anyone else in my life, she'd be the one to understand. And I feel like, even if I told her about Ruby, she wouldn't freak out and judge me. I mean, I won't talk about anything like that yet but I think I actually could one day. And I never thought I would ever be able to tell anyone.

But I did tell her about some of my other romantic disasters and my inability to fall in love. She said that all I needed to do was meet the right person and I would fall for them easily. She said she didn't believe that I was incapable. If I wasn't a loving and gentle person, she said she wouldn't be here now and then she proceeded to thank me for everything I have done for her. She told me that she thought I was amazing. And I still have a bit of a silly grin when I think about that. Joey's opinion really matters to me. Joey really matters to me.

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 21<strong>**st**** March**

**11:31**

**Home**

I just thought I would write quickly in here before I head off for the day. Joey and I are going for a bit of retail therapy. Honestly, she has the most threadbare, tatty pyjamas. She doesn't have a dressing gown. And her socks all have holes in them. So I am taking her out to get her some new stuff.

We're going to get our hair done while we're out and we're starting off with a nice lunch at a little cafe that I've walked past lots but never actually gone into. I'm really looking forward to a nice day out and I am glad I have the weekend off.

Just as I was going to bed last night, I walked past her door and I heard her crying. I felt like I had been a terrible friend because I thought we'd had a really nice time so I knocked on the door to check on her. She let me in and tried to pretend that she hadn't been crying but I knew she wasn't telling the truth. I apologised if I had missed signs of sadness but she told me she'd had the best day of her life.

I was a bit confused but as far as I can gather, Joey isn't used to being fussed over and having friends that care about her. She was overwhelmed by mine, Leah, Ruby and VJ's kindness and is also still struggling to deal with what happened with Robbo and also with Brett. With all those conflicting feelings and a glass of wine, it all got a bit overwhelming. I gave her a hug and reassured her, letting her know just how strong and wonderful I think she is. I hope I helped. It was pretty hard to leave her last night, I must admit. So I am hoping we have lots and lots of fun today.

In other news, apparently, Tony re-proposed to Rachel the other day. He had a whole team of people organising the most romantic thing but it all went a bit wrong when Rachel rearranged some plans and then Martha and Miles lost the one hundred and fifty roses that Tony had bought. They fell out of the back of the car.

But in the end, it didn't matter and apparently it turned out to be as romantic as planned, but in a different way. Tony went to the hospital, got down on one knee, told her how much loved her and asked her to marry him all over again. Of course, she accepted. I think it's a pretty sweet story. Very romantic.

Oh, and things look to be going swimmingly between Irene and Lou. She even told him about her history with alcoholism and he was totally cool with it. They're so sweet together. I'm really happy for them.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 22<strong>**nd**** March**

**15:31**

**The Beach**

I had the most awesome day yesterday. Our Big Fun Day Out was absolutely fantastic. Joey and I did a lot of shopping and I got her some nice things. I think she deserves a few treats. We got our hair done and the lunch in the cafe was really nice.

We got back in time for dinner with Leah, VJ and Ruby, which was also really nice. Once VJ was in bed, we had a bit of a girlie night in and watched some DVD's. I was happy to see Joey getting on with the others.

When Leah and I were alone together, she made sure I knew that any misgivings she had about having Joey stay were definitely gone. She said she thought she was lovely and she was more than happy to support me as I tried to help her heal from what she had been through. I haven't said anything but I gather Joey has just said to them that she was assaulted and left it at that.

I have work tomorrow but today was a chill out day. We just hung out in the morning and now we are at the beach. Joey's been swimming for a little while. She was really self conscious about being seen in her bikini. I was understanding of her being unsure of her body. Obviously I covered up a lot post-rape because I was pregnant but I think I would have felt the same regardless. I hated my body for a long, long time. It's half the reason why I have sex without allowing myself to get too emotionally close to people and why I find it hard to spend the whole night with someone. It's also why I work out and train a little too much. It's not something I choose to consciously analyse but I am aware that the issues are there.

So I get where Joey is coming from. But she is beautiful. And she has nothing to be ashamed of – in a bikini or not – and I told her so. I don't know if I helped that much but she took a deep breath and went into the water anyway. And now she is pouting and waving me to come and join her. I guess I did promise...

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Charlie accepts a date with Hugo, having freaked out at the realisation that she has romantic feelings for Joey…<em>


	44. Chapter 44

**Chapter Forty Four**

**Monday 23****rd**** March**

**22:49**

**Home**

I just thought I'd write a quick update before bed. I don't have long because Ruby says that the lights are going off as soon as she has finished the chapter of the book she's reading. It's some kind of chick lit. I am more of a thriller kind of girl but it keeps her happy. Anyway, she's being all stern and it _is _her room, after all. But I do like to try and write in here every day if I can. However, I realise now that I have pretty much wasted time by telling myself why I have limited time to write to myself. That makes no sense.

To be fair, I have had a couple of glasses of wine tonight. Everyone was out this evening so Joey made me some dinner and she bought a bottle of wine for us. It was a really nice evening. After we'd eaten, we just went out and sat on the porch for a while and the time just got away from us. I've never found it so easy to talk to someone before.

Tonight we talked a lot about death, which obviously wasn't cheerful but it was kind of healing. I don't really talk about losing Mum much. It's not easy to talk about it with Dad and I always have to be the strong one when Rubes and I discuss it. And nobody else here knew her. Joey didn't either (obviously) but she lost both her parents some years ago so I felt like she understood.

We didn't only talk about that, of course. We talked about lots of things. I feel like there is almost nothing I can't tell her. Oops, my time has run out already! Ruby is insisting on sleep now. Goodnight.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 24<strong>**th**** March**

**18:09**

**Home**

It's been a pretty good day today. Weirdly, I'm feeling on top of the world at the moment. Ever since December, I have been feeling so tired and in some kind of slump. I don't know what's different now but suddenly I feel energised and full of life again. Whatever it is, I'm glad of it. I'm feeling really good about life.

Work is going well and things are feeling much more settled at the station. There was some unrest for a good few days when we heard that Angelo isn't going to trial and Jack and his family won't receive any justice, but I think we are all trying to move on. Without forgetting our colleague of course.

But it'll be good to forget about Angelo. I know he didn't mean to shoot anyone but he still did it. I'm unhappy that he has escaped justice but my hope is that he will just leave us all alone now. He's at least stopped trying to call me. Hopefully he has figured out that I don't want to talk to him ever again. And nor doesn't anybody else.

Things at home have really settled too. It's not really ideal for me and Ruby to be sharing a room but we can cope if it means Joey staying here. It's so lovely having her around and I'm really enjoying spending time with her. She asked about paying rent but we sat down with Leah who said that there was no rush for that now. She's going to contribute to the monthly bills while she's here and in the meantime, she's been our cleaner! Completely unasked, she's been doing the dishes after every meal, vacuuming, dusting... everything! She even cleans the bathroom. She said it's her way of contributing. I don't think any of us are about to object. But I still think it's really sweet.

We had a great day on Sunday. I joined her for a swim and we had a really nice time. She presented me with a snorkel set today, which is pretty cute. She went out especially to get it because we had randomly got talking about sea life. She has a real interest in it and a lot of knowledge. I have a new interest and no knowledge. My interest comes from her. She gets so enthusiastic about things and it's pretty infectious. So we're going to go to this place she knows where we can sunbathe and snorkel and stuff. I think it'll be fun! To be fair, I am learning that everything I do with Joey is fun. I just love spending time with her.

On Monday, I worked all day and then had a nice evening with Joey, as I already mentioned. Today, I worked and I'm just chilling out before dinner – Joey and Leah are cooking for everyone. I think we're all just going to hang out tonight. I'm really starting to enjoy just chilling out at home with the people I care about.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 25<strong>**th**** March**

**22:00**

**Home**

I am so looking forward to the next few days off. I don't have plans as such, although we are going for a run first thing in the morning, but I reckon I will get to hang out with Joey lots. I hope so anyway. It'll be nice to spend some more time with her. I mean, obviously I see her every day anyway because she is living here but she had a bit of a bad day today so I am hoping that some company will cheer her up a little.

She had lunch with Aden, which was really good for her. She said they had a really nice time. Apparently, he is absolutely besotted with Belle and Joey thinks it's adorable. He went shopping with Nicole the other day and bought her a beautiful necklace in a bid to tell her just how much he loves her. It is pretty cute. Oh, and Belle is no longer working for the newspaper. There is some dispute over whether she jumped or was pushed but whatever the case, it's a shame because she really is a talented reporter.

But after Joey finished eating, she headed down to the docks to try and find some work. As I suspected, it was too soon. As soon as she saw a trawler, she had a flashback of what happened to her last time she was on one and had a panic attack. She was really freaked out and called me at work.

I took her home and stayed with her for as long as I could get away with. She felt really guilty but it's not like I don't do an excess of overtime. Well, I haven't since she moved in because I feel like I really have something exciting to go home to now, but I've still clocked a lot up over the last few months.

I did my best to reassure her and we have decided to leave it until she is absolutely sure she is ready to start working again. She has some savings and Leah isn't charging rent so she's okay for now. And I am sure I can help out with anything unforeseen that she might need. The worst thing she can do is rush back to work before she's able to, especially as Robbo is still hanging around like a bad smell. He's not allowed to go near her but I know first hand just how scary it is to know that a person like that is living nearby.

I finished work a little bit early and I cooked for everyone in a bid to cheer Joey up. It was a nice family meal, actually. VJ has been so up and down recently but he's on an up at the moment. Apparently he was struggling with soccer so Roman took him out and helped him practice. Leah joined them for a bit and she said it was really nice to see VJ having a good time. He seems a bit resentful over not having a Dad, which must made Leah feel bad – although of course, that's not her fault. Her first husband, Vinnie, died years ago. But it's nice that they have Roman willing to do boy stuff with him. I still wonder if there is an attraction between Roman and Leah.

Ruby was full of school news. Apparently the corridors were abuzz with Geoff and Nicole's breakup. Geoff stormed into school still in his surfing gear, pushed Trey and was horrible to Nicole all day. I hope they can at least be friends now that they have broken up but Ruby isn't sure it's likely.

Rubes is feeling a little sour about Xavier at the moment. He was off with her when she knocked for him this morning and he was taking the day off school because his Mum was visiting. Ruby tried to arrange to spend time with him this evening but he turned her down. I am very much hoping that he is not going to keep blowing hot and cold with her. It's not fair and she deserves better.

After dinner, she disappeared to do her homework and Leah went for an early night. Joey and I hung out for most of the evening. I like this little routine we've fallen into. She keeps thanking me for 'putting up with her' but I don't know how many ways I can say that I love being around her without sounding like an idiot.

I did admit tonight that I had seen her around the Bay lots of times, usually on the beach and once when Ruby and I went to a restaurant and she was working there. She grinned and said she remembered me and it seems that every time I noticed her, she noticed me too. But she said she was too shy to just start talking to a stranger so she never said hello until that day when we literally bumped into each other and I noticed her injury from the boat.

I asked her about that tonight and she explained in a little more detail, the events preceding the rape. Some of it I knew from her statement and some of it was new. But she and Robbo have known each other for years. He and Brett went to high school together and have been friends for a long time. He's always made her uncomfortable and once she got the job on the trawler, he made life unbearable for her. It was his fault that she got knocked into the water that day and he started bullying her on day one. She was trying her best to rise above it but one comment that fateful afternoon, made her realise just how serious it was.

She asked Aden to wait for her so they could talk and leave together at the end of the day. But Belle needed him and Robbo told him that Joey had already left and that's when he... I can't even bring myself to say the words. I've come to care about Joey so much. I can't bear to even contemplate what she's been through. I have a deeper connection to her and what's happened than even she realises. But I really think I could tell her one day. I don't want to do it yet. She's got to heal first and pick her life back up before I even think about dragging her down with my issues.

In other news, apparently Martha has bought Geoff and Annie's old farm with Jack's life insurance. She's really excited about it and the plan is to grow organic vegetables and fruit and stuff. Geoff is very enthusiastic (despite, according to Roman, breaking up with Nicole over a bush or a tree or a twig or something like that... I wasn't very clear on the details). Annie is less enthusiastic but Martha has also got them a dog. Or something. I wasn't too clear on that either.

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 26<strong>**th**** March**

**10:05**

**Home**

Joey and I were up and out early this morning. We got ready and went for a run together. It was so much fun. We got really competitive and started racing each other across the sand. We had such a laugh. And I won! I could hardly breathe from the exertion and the laughter. I crashed onto the sand in sheer exhaustion and then she challenged me to race back home. I could hardly let that one lie, so I did, although I lost. Just. To be fair, she was already on her feet and I was lying down. We nearly sent poor Jai flying when we crashed back into the house, still hysterical.

I just love the banter between us. She makes me so happy. I just wanted to write about it before I finish getting ready. We're going to take a picnic up to the lighthouse and we'll probably spend most of the day up there. I'm really looking forward to it. I always look forward to spending time with Joey. She's awesome.

She had a really bad nightmare last night and I woke up to her screaming. I raced into her room and made sure she was okay. She was pretty shaken and I felt terrible for her. It turns out, she has had nightmares ever since Robbo attacked her but she's been trying to keep them under wraps. So now that I know, I really want to be there for her. I want to take care of her. She deserves the best. Unfortunately, all she's got is me. But I will absolutely do what I can.

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 26<strong>**th**** March**

**12:45**

**The Beach**

So, my day didn't go to plan. I am currently paranoid and unsure and not convinced that I can be around Joey anymore. And that makes me feel really guilty because Joey hasn't done anything wrong. I don't want to feel weird around her but just can't help it. I don't know what to do.

I was just packing up the hamper for our picnic when Ruby stormed in full of woe on her lunch break. I'm not entirely clear on what happened, which is wrong of me. I was just so caught up and excited about spending time with Joey that I didn't listen when I should have. She was pretty mad at me. I'll have to apologise. Again.

Suddenly whatever disaster Ruby was having at school or with her boyfriend or friends or whatever, became a rant at me about not giving her any of my time. She said that I devote too much to Joey and then she said she thought she was starting to like me. You know, romantically. I dismissed it, of course, but now I don't know what to do or how to feel.

Ruby snapped at me and stormed out and I just sat in the kitchen for a bit, trying to figure out what the hell to do. I mean, is she right? Does it matter? Does it change anything? I don't want it to change anything. I love Joey – as a friend – and I want to be there for her. Spending time with her makes me so happy but I don't want her to get the wrong idea. I think she's wonderful but I'm straight. I'm heterosexual. I like men. I do not like women. I mean, sure, she's beautiful. And I think if I was going to go with a woman, then she would absolutely be the kind of girl I'd go for but... I don't swing that way. I don't. I'm not gay. I'm not bi. I'm completely okay with people who are but I'm not... I'm not! What the hell am I meant to do now?

I'm going for a walk to clear my head. I don't think I will succeed.

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 26<strong>**th**** March**

**18:33**

**Home**

So, my day got worse. I was frosty with Joey and cancelled our plans. Then I went for a walk to clear my head and who did I run into but Robbo? Just thinking about him makes my skin crawl. We argued and he made some horrific comments about me wanting to have Joey for myself. I don't! I want to be her friend. I want to protect her from him. But I'm not romantically interested into her. Of course I'm not! I like men! How many people do I have to insist this to? Not that I have to justify myself to that arsehole. At least Ruby knows I'm not interested in Joey. She might think that Joey likes me but she knows I don't feel the same.

Anyway, I argued with him and basically told him that if he went near Joey, I would be right there to arrest him and throw him in jail. Hopefully I will also get the chance to throw away the key. He should die in incarceration for what he did to that poor woman.

I stormed back home, expecting to see Joey but she wasn't home. Still feeling anxious and stressed, I got into my sports gear and headed down to the gym. That's where I saw Joey talking to Hugo.

They were sitting down and chatting about boats. He was hitting on her and trying to get her to go out for a boat trip with him sometime. She was trying to turn him down gently and I just saw red. I basically told him to get lost and I could hardly control my anger. I've told Joey that it was because of Robbo but I have this horrible, sinking feeling that it's more than that. I mean, I was pretty shaken up by running into Robbo but standing there, watching Hugo flirt with Joey, just made me... jealous. I didn't want her to have attention from someone else. Obviously she wouldn't be interested in Hugo but what if, when she picks herself back up again, she starts dating other girls? Where will that leave me? I like being close to her. I like being the most important person in her world. What is that meant to mean? What does it say about me?

Once Hugo left, Joey made no bones about telling me I'd been rude to him. I apologised and said that I was trying to protect her. Which is true. After what Grant did to me, the last thing I felt able to handle was other guys trying to hit on me. Every time it happened, I just panicked and it set me back in my road to recovery. I don't want that for Joey. I want to look after her. But I also don't want anyone sniffing around her and getting any ideas.

She thanked me for being such a good bodyguard and then it happened. I still can't explain it. She touched my arm. Okay, when I write it down, it's no big deal. We've had a lot of physical contact before and it's never been a big deal. But today, she touched my arm and I tingled. I tingled like you would if you had a crush on someone. Thinking back now, I wonder if I have tingled with her before and not noticed, or been able to dismiss it quickly. In fact, I know I have. And I definitely did today. This crazy thrill went right through me and I just... panicked. I jumped up like I'd been shot and almost ran to the gym.

When I finally forced myself to go back home, Joey was watching TV. I wanted to talk to her about what happened with Hugo. She assumed that I liked him and that's why I was upset. Goodness, it couldn't be further from the truth! If anything, it's because I like Joey. Not in _that _way. Oh, please don't let it be in _that _way! What the hell am I going to do?

And after this afternoon, I think it's all been blown out of proportion anyway. She didn't give a shit when she thought I liked Hugo. She didn't care. So, maybe Ruby was wrong after all. Maybe she doesn't like me like that. Which is great. I don't want her to be attracted to me. But suddenly this big can of worms has opened up and I don't know what to do. Even if Joey doesn't like me, it doesn't stop me worrying that I might like her. I am so fucking confused.

I told Joey about the altercation with Robbo. I didn't want to but I felt the need to explain my actions. She was pretty freaked, as I expected her to be. She was just saying that she kept feeling afraid that he was going to knock on the door at any second, when there was a knock on the door. I got up to answer it and thankfully, it was Xavier. Ruby left with him, although from what I saw, she wasn't pleased to see him. I still don't know what's wrong with her at the moment.

Now I'm apparently getting changed and Joey is cooking us both some dinner. Ruby is out with Xavier now and Leah isn't back till later so it's just the two of us. I know I can't hide in my room forever but I just don't know how to be around Joey at the moment. What am I going to do? I knew things were going too perfectly. I was just too happy, wasn't I? Every time things start going well for me, everything crashes and burns. And this is the happiest I have ever been in my life so everything is hurting more now.

All I want to do is pretend nothing is happening. I just want to go back out to Joey and have everything be normal again. And that's exactly what I will do. Everything is fine. Everything is the way it should be. Joey doesn't have feelings for me and I don't have feelings for her. That's it settled. This whole day can just be written off. I know it can. It has to. It just has to.

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 26<strong>**th**** March**

**22:06**

**Home**

I think things are okay now. For the most part. I still feel a little bit weird around Joey but it's kind of hard not to relax into our happy relationship. Friendship. Our happy friendship. I can't hurt her after everything she has been through – especially when I don't even know if she knows anything is going on. She's being her natural, lovely self with me. And that's infectious. I can't help but have a nice time with her. I just can't help it. She's so sweet and so lovely. I just think she's amazing.

We had a really nice time together tonight and it almost felt like nothing had happened. Well, it did until Ruby got home. The way she looked at us, having walked in on us crying with laughter on the couch, unnerved me. What if she notices my feelings the way she seems to have noticed Joey's? What if she's wrong? What if she's right?

On the plus side though, she came back in a happier mood. She told me that Xavier has been really off with her and it turns out that it's because his brother, Brendan, who has special needs, is staying with them for six weeks. Xavier is the main care giver and he was struggling to keep his home life and his new life in Summer Bay separated. But he took Ruby home with him and she said everything went well. Brendan seemed to really like her and they had a lot of fun together. Well, I'm glad she's feeling better about things, even if she has completely ruined my mood.

I am in Ruby's room at the moment. She's writing in her journal and I'm writing in mine. I told her extremely firmly when we got up here, that Joey doesn't have feelings for me. I didn't dare deny that I had feelings for her. If she's not thinking about it then I don't want to put the idea in her head.

And I don't want it to be true. I don't want to have feelings for Joey. I don't even want to think about it. I just want to be her friend and her bodyguard and that's it. Why does everything have to become so complicated? One of the most wonderful things with Joey is that it's so simple. She's so easy to get on with. She's just sweet and funny and kind. She says what she means and she means what she says. She doesn't play games. But I am absolutely driving myself crazy here and I don't know what to do.

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 27<strong>**th**** March**

**14:18**

**Home**

I've had a chill out day today and I think it has done me some good. Joey has been here for most of the day and we've kind of hung out without spending intense time together. Like, I'm sitting here writing and she's on the other couch, reading a book. It's a nice, comfortable silence and I am feeling happier about the whole thing.

I hope my anxieties and my feelings can calm down now and we can start again, hopefully without her knowing that anything was wrong in the first place. The last thing I want to do is hurt her. She means too much to me to let anything so flimsy and silly to get in the way.

It's never mattered to me that she's a lesbian. It's never been an issue. And even if she does have some level of feeling for me, it doesn't have to be a problem. She knows I'm straight and I doubt she would ever try anything or make me feel uncomfortable. I'm not going to let Ruby get into my head and confuse the situation.

Joey is my best friend and I will continue to spend time with her. Perhaps it won't be quite as intense as it was – after all, she does need to learn to stand on her own and not rely on me. The living situation is temporary after all. But even when she's on the up again and she moves out, I hope we can continue to be close. How I'll react when she starts dating again, I have no idea. I guess I will just have to cross that bridge when I come to it.

She had more nightmares last night so I had to go into her and make sure she was alright. She seems cheerful again today though. I think it's the darkness and loneliness of the night that gets to her. It gets to most people who are trying to fill their time with things that will stop them thinking about bad stuff. The bad stuff creeps in late at night. I know that only too well.

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 28<strong>**th**** March**

**19:25**

**Home**

Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit. Things have gone too far. How the hell do I end up in these nightmare situations? Shit. Joey and I nearly... No. I can't write it down. I can't let it be true.

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 28<strong>**th**** March**

**20:01**

**Home**

Okay, so I have to get this out and try to process it. Writing this diary is pretty much the only way I know how. I still can't believe how close I came to...

Well, the day started nicely enough. Joey had had another nightmare in the night so I went into her like I normally do. I stayed with her for half an hour and once she was settled again, I went back in with Ruby.

This morning, I was up and ready for my workout. I think I work out more when I am stressed. I never noticed that until now. We all had breakfast together and Joey was pretty quiet. She went and sat on the couch for a while and engrossed herself in a newspaper. So I made her a cup of tea before I went out.

Somehow or other, we ended up talking about boats. She got so excited. It was so cute. She was most alarmed that I have no interest in them. I mean, I don't _not _like them, I just don't... like them. Okay, that makes no sense but I know what I mean. I don't hate them or anything, I just wouldn't go out of my way to go sailing or something.

Anyway, we had a laugh together and then Leah came in and asked us to vacate at lunch time. That's when Joey had the bright idea that we could have lunch together. I was worried at first and I hated myself for it. After all, I did say yesterday that I was going to put all of this behind me. So, I agreed. But I also lied to her. I said I had a coffee date so that I could escape if I needed to.

I had a good workout and then at midday, met Joey at the Diner as planned. I was expecting just to sit in with her but she'd bought a hamper full of delicious food and she'd hired Alf's boat for the afternoon. I was caught between worry and desire to go out with her. On the boat. Not on a date or anything.

I was a bit awkward about it but she looked so happy and excited. She is at home on a boat more than in any other place and it was a gesture to thank me for what I've done for her. How could I turn it down? How could I be horrible to her and reject such a sweet gesture? Now, I half wish I had and I'm half glad I didn't. If I've been confused over the last few days, it is nothing compared to now.

We had an absolutely blast together. Everything with Joey just feels so natural and so right. She teased me about our run the other day and she taught me to steer the boat. I was reluctant at first because obviously I don't have a licence and it doesn't look good for a cop. But she stood right with me and helped me steer. I thought I was going to pass out from being so close to her. The tingle happened again and because we were at it (the steering) for a while, it lasted ages.

By the time we came back to land and she'd tied the boat up or whatever it is she had to do, it was nearly time to meet my 'friend'. And I just didn't want to go. I helped her pack up, despite her protestations and she pointed out that I would be late if I didn't leave now. I ended up dismissing it and pretending to text and cancel. I just didn't want to leave her. I appear to have some kind of addiction to her company. It scares me but it excites me too. I am so confused.

We ended up spending most of the afternoon chilling out together on the Blaxland. We had a real heart to heart about so many things. I even nearly told her about what happened to me when I was a teenager. The words were right there on my lips but I panicked at the last minute and changed the subject.

She told me some more about her family, including the difficult relationship she had with her Dad before he died. She asked about my Dad. Ruby had already told her that he has Alzheimer's. It's not something I talk about with anybody but I found myself opening up to Joey. I told her about how things were and how they are now. She told me that Dad must be proud of me and said I was a great cop. I was really touched by that. I don't know if it's true but I love the way she seems to believe in me so whole heartedly.

Anyway, she said I was lovely and that she was really grateful for everything I have done. Sometimes, I think she thinks I've done more than I have. She said she never thought she'd ever feel normal or happy again but that I help her feel like she can. I love meaning that much to someone. But that makes this whole thing more painful and confusing. She touched my thigh when she thanked me and that thrill started all over again. But unlike the other day in the Surf Club, I didn't pull away.

However, a song started to play and before I knew what was going on, Joey had leapt to her feet and started dancing. She made me laugh so much, getting her groove on. She was so cute. I couldn't stop giggling. She tried to get me up but I refused.

However, she was relentless and I ended up on my feet, dancing with her. It was so much fun. It's not the kind of thing I'd normally do. I mean, we were on a boat, dancing to a CD player where anyone could have walked past and laughed at us. But for those few minutes, I just didn't care. I got so caught up in having fun. I can relax with Joey in a way that I have never been able to with anyone else before. She brings something to my life that I can't even explain.

So when the music changed, my life did. We went from a funky dance track by Dash and Will to a romantic Blanche Dubois song. My breath caught and I just couldn't stop gazing at her. She was gazing back at me and we both felt suddenly shy and nervous. I was overwhelmed with the feelings that I have been trying so hard to hold back since I figured out what they were. I wanted to fling myself into her arms. I wanted to hold her. I wanted to kiss her.

She reached out gently and held my hand. We moved slowly closer and against my better judgement, I took her other hand. We moved even closer, still holding hands. I couldn't keep them still. I just kept playing with her fingers. Gazing into her eyes that moment, I realised that I'd fallen in love with her. I've fallen in love with Joey Collins. Joey Collins the GIRL.

I have no idea how this happened. How can something that feels so wonderful be so terrible at the same time? I mean, there's nothing wrong with other people being gay but I don't want it to me. I don't want to be different. I don't want to make some kind of statement about myself and my life. This isn't who I am.

How can I have fallen in love with a woman – even someone as special as Joey? How does this kind of thing happen? Surely people are either gay, straight or bi? How can I just switch without warning? And what have I switched to?

With all of these things running through my brain and struggling with the overwhelming urge to close the gap between us and kiss her, I broke away and I ran. I made some sort of panicked excuse and I fled. I glanced back once and then I ran all the way home. I burst through the doors, ran through the lounge, barely glancing at Leah and Roman and then hurried up to Ruby's room. And that's where I've been ever since.

Ruby came up and told me dinner was nearly ready but I'd changed into my PJ's by then and I faked a migraine. The next thing I knew, Joey was there. She didn't believe I was sick and she wanted to talk about what happened. But I'd already shut down by that point. I denied that anything had happened and made it clear I didn't want to discuss it.

I basically accused her of being on her own with these feelings. I apologised if I gave her the wrong impression and now I hate myself. She looked devastated and guilty. I can't get her sad face out of my mind. She said that she'd never intended to take me out on the boat and come onto me. She looked like she thought she'd done something terrible and I couldn't even bring myself to correct her.

I hate hurting her but I can't say the words. I can't reassure her and let her know that I was right there in the moment with her. My feelings for Joey are so strong but I can't voice them. I can't. I just can't. I wish there was a way to let her know how sorry I am. But I can't do that either.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 29<strong>**th**** March**

**23:59**

**Home**

I actually hate myself. I full on, can't face myself in the mirror, am absolutely disgusted with my behaviour... hate myself. It is taking every inch of my resolve not to go and knock on Joey's door right now and apologise. I want us to be able to work through this. Anything has got to be better than the brattish behaviour I displayed today. I really am a piece of shit. I have the most amazing best friend in the whole world. I know she cares about me and I know she would never hurt me. I also know with greater clarity than even she realises, exactly what she's been through. And just because she has feelings for me and worse, because I have feelings for her, I'm hurting her and treating her like shit. I should be counting myself lucky that someone as amazing as Joey could be into me. I should be flattered. But I'm horrified – more by my feelings than by hers. I absolutely hate myself. How the hell did it come to this?

It took me ages to get up this morning. All I could think about was Joey and I was so afraid of seeing her. When I finally got showed and dressed, I raced out of the house as quick as possible, claiming to be late when actually, I had stacks of time. I could feel Joey's eyes on me the whole time that I raced around the kitchen and dashed out but I didn't so much as even look at her. I'm a really good person, hey?

Rather than going straight to work, I went to the Surf Club. I was in a world of my own and generally feeling sorry for myself, when Hugo, Ruby, Xavier and Brendan showed up. Brendan wasn't terribly interested in meeting me so he, Xavier and Ruby went to play some pool.

I chatted to Hugo for a bit and he asked me out again. All I could think about was Joey and how she might feel. And I should have held onto that because I think I have only made things worse now. But I didn't.

Ruby told me about some dinner that Joey was cooking for us that night. I panicked and agreed to the date with Hugo and then I went to work, where I got absolutely nothing done. I just couldn't concentrate. I still have a stack of paperwork on my desk but I just didn't get to it. All I could think about was Joey. I started and stopped calling her all damn day.

I stayed at work as long as possible and then came back with just enough time to get ready for dinner with Hugo. I had hoped that maybe Joey was out but there she was, looking beautiful and innocent and cooking up a storm in the kitchen. She'd made a seafood bouillabaisse and she was so proud of it, ready to let me taste in advance. It was such a sweet gesture – like every gesture she makes – and I just rejected her. I mumbled something about having plans and then hurried off to get changed.

Before I managed to even think about clothes, hair or make-up, I fell onto the bed and cried my eyes out. I forced myself to get ready and I was so close to cancelling. I should have. I wish I had. But no, I was too stubborn. And I was too scared to spend the evening with the woman I have so unwillingly fallen in love with. I was still getting ready when Ruby came in, full of excitement about me finally going on a date with Hugo, although, after last time, she was more reserved about it.

When I came back downstairs, Joey just stared at me. She actually said, "Wow." It sent a thrill through me, the same way only she ever seems to manage to. When she looked at me, I just felt so loved, so adored, like I was the most special person in the world.

It was somewhat an anti-climax when Hugo just said, "You look nice." When you've been complimented by Joey Collins, nobody else's words seem good enough. Anyway, she put a brave face on it but she looked devastated. I willed myself to stay but I left anyway, knowing she was watching me walk out on her.

Dinner wasn't quite as big a disaster as it was last time, although the fact that he stood me up then isn't saying a whole lot, is it? He showed up and he was dressed all smart. He vaguely told me a looked nice and he paid for our meal.

Unfortunately, as usual, Joey was all I could think about. And subsequently, she was all I talked about. Like, we were halfway through our main, having already had a starter, before I even noticed what I was doing. It was like word vomit. I was just overwhelmed with thoughts of Joey and there was nothing I could do about it. Hugo, bless him, did try to be interested but aside from quite obviously thinking she's hot – which, she is – he didn't have much to say or much care for what I was saying.

I managed (mostly) to talk about other things, although somehow, everything seemed to take me back to her. Like, everything reminded me of Joey and the words kept slipping out without me meaning it to happen. I hope he didn't notice how besotted I am. Ruby is already suspicious, of Joey at least. And the vile Robbo of all people seems to have figured me out. But I hope nobody else does. At least in the Leah department, I think I'm safe. She was watching us like a hawk, looking all enthusiastic.

After dinner, Hugo offered to walk me home but I declined. He looked like he was considering kissing me goodnight but I didn't give him the chance. I took a particularly long walk back home via the beach, trying to figure out what on earth to do with Joey. And I know I have to do something. I can't leave it like this. It's hurting her and it's hurting me. I desperately want to talk to her now but it would be unfair to wake her. But perhaps we can talk in the morning and figure this out. I hope she is okay and sleeping soundly. I hate the way I have let her down.

Well, I guess I'd better head up and go to sleep myself too. Goodnight.

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Joey is attacked by Robbo and kissed by Charlie, prompting her to confess the depth of her feelings, only for Charlie to run away…<em>


	45. Chapter 45

_I finally found time for the second update. I hope you enjoy it. I've enjoyed writing about the Joey era of Charlie's life – I just wish it had lasted longer! Love, IJKS xxx_

**Chapter Forty Five**

**Monday 30****th**** March**

**23:39**

**Home**

What a fucking day. I've been granted special permission to keep the light on and write in here while all the memories are still fresh in my head. I can't write in the lounge or Joey will hear me and try to make me talk. Ruby doesn't know half of the shit going through my mind right now but she knows enough to grant me some leniency with the light.

After I went to bed last night, Ruby grilled me over my date with Hugo. Honestly, that all seems so long ago now. I wasn't that interested in talking about it. Nothing happened and that was how I liked it. What was I meant to say? Oh, yeah, we went out, had a nice dinner and some nice wine but I couldn't stop thinking or talking about Joey Collins the whole damn time. Oh, and I think I'm in love with her. Yeah, I think that would pretty much go down like a lead balloon.

I was up early this morning, ready to get to work as quickly as possible. I feel so damn guilty in light of what happened to my poor, poor Joey today but I know I was trying to avoid her. Ruby appeared all sleepy and in her pyjamas, musing over whether to have leftover dinner on toast or go right for the dessert. I felt like such a terrible person when I realised exactly what a lot of effort Joey had gone to. And I just rejected her.

Overcome with guilt, I decided to go and check on her and maybe talk it through. I was literally about to knock on the bedroom door when I got a phone call from work, calling into an emergency. I just wished I had knocked anyway. I just wish I had done this whole damn thing differently.

The emergency I got called into was a hit and run. The victim was none other than Tanya Gannon – Robbo's ex-girlfriend. I panicked right away. Honestly, I don't think I have ever worked so hard, so quickly or with so much fear. There weren't any witnesses and Tanya is still in critical condition.

And then, to make it worse, I realised that I had completely overlooked and AVO that Tanya took out against Robbo. I saw it and I just thought it was Joey's. I assumed it was because everything has been about her since I met her. She's taken over my life – not in a controlling, horrible way – but in an 'I love her so much that I can barely breathe' kind of way. Did I really just write that? What on earth has happened to me?

So, yes, I fucked up. Tanya didn't have the AVO against Robbo and it led her to being run over by him and it's still a question over whether she will live or die. The last I heard, there was no change and she is still unconscious.

Anyway, I sent one team out to track down Robbo and his car and then I charged home to find Joey. Ruby was up and dressed and perky and I could have shaken her in frustration over the fact that she hadn't even noticed anything was up with the fact that early riser Joey was still in her room.

I charged on in and, as I suspected, all trace of my beautiful Joey was gone. All she'd left was a sad note to say that dinner last night had been intended as a thank you and a goodbye and that she needed to stand on her own two feet now. She was saying goodbye to me and I didn't even listen! I really hate myself sometimes.

I raced out, ordering Ruby to call me if she heard anything from or about Joey, and went back to the station. Robbo hadn't turned up and his car was clean. As I suspected, he'd used a stolen car to run Tanya over. Then Aden showed up. From his trawler, he'd seen Joey leaving her house with her bags packed and Robbo was in a red car, following her.

The team all had different jobs and I was shouting orders all over the place. Having at least received a last known sighting, I called her brother and hauled him in for questioning. He said he hadn't seen Joey but some of her stuff was missing when he came home for lunch so he assumed she might have been there. We got into a row about who should have been looking after her. I'd be surprised if he didn't feel guilty. And I know I definitely do. I guess it made sense that we'd take it out on each other. As much as I don't like the guy, I suppose we do have things in common – we both love Joey and we both want the best for her. And we're both terrible at delivering.

Our argument was prevented from descending into chaos when Watson got word of some activity on Joey's credit card. I don't think I have ever moved so fast in my whole life. We suited up, armed and dangerous and charged to the hotel she was staying at. We burst in just in time. Honestly, just a few seconds later and I would have lost Joey for good.

Robbo pushed past me and made a break for it but I didn't care. I trusted Watson to tackle him anyway and she did, in superb fashion by all accounts. But even if it had meant him getting away, I wouldn't have cared. My mission was to save Joey. And I just about managed.

He'd taped up her hands, legs and mouth, filled a tub with freezing water and put her in it, shoving her head under. I pulled her up and ripped the tape off her mouth just in time. She was a mess. So was I. All I could do was hold her and cry and tell her that everything would be alright. I think if I had lost her... I don't know what I would have done if I had lost her.

And that's why this whole damn thing is so confusing. I held Joey for a long time. Watson politely pretended not to notice. When I managed to gather my sensibilities together and when Joey was ready, we followed the others to the station where I interrogated Robbo unkindly for a good long while. I am absolutely determined that he will never taste freedom again. I hate him more than I hate myself, which, right about now, is a huge statement.

But by the time I left the interview room, Joey had left. I laid into Watson for letting her go, which was unfair. I'll have to apologise tomorrow. As she rightly pointed out, Joey is the victim and we couldn't hold her at the station against her will.

I grabbed my stuff and then hurried out to the hotel, hoping that Joey would still be there. She was but she definitely didn't want to see me. The next few minutes passed by in a blur and I still can't quite disentangle my brain.

Joey was very cold with me. It was a side I hadn't seen before and it shocked me. All this time, she has been so sweet and gentle and loving but she was more like me than like herself tonight. She'd totally shut down and was quite obviously packing up and hadn't changed her mind about leaving me. Ugh, we sound like a couple! We're not. But she's just so much a part of me... I feel like I can't even breathe around her. And I certainly can't think straight. Pun intended.

I tried to talk to her about what happened but she didn't even seem to care that she nearly died. Is that what I've done to the poor woman? She told me that she couldn't be around me anymore because of how uncomfortable I clearly was around her. It made me feel like shit. She put herself in danger because of me. I was meant to be protecting her and I totally let her down. She could have died today and the last thing she would remember of me would be that I rejected her and went on a stupid date with Hugo in a bid to pretend that I'm not attracted to her. Screw it. I'm not just attracted to her. I'm in love with her. I just can't deal with it.

I apologised for giving her false signals but she totally called me on it. She knows as well as I do how I feel about her. It all came tumbling out. I knew that if I didn't do something quickly, I would lose her forever. I clumsily told her how confused I was and then... then I kissed her.

It was only few a few seconds but it wasn't an innocent kiss. I kissed her with passion and with feeling. My lips were on hers and it was amazing. I think I'm actually more in love with her than I was before. I didn't think that was even possible. But we kissed and it was the most wonderful kiss of my life. I stunned Joey and I stunned myself.

Joey was the one who pulled back. She gazed at me in wonder. I created a distance between us and stumbled over my words. Joey wanted to know what had just happened and why but I didn't have an answer. We just stared at each other.

I pulled her into a very tight hug and tried not to cry as I begged her to come home with me. She wrapped her arms around my waist and clung on. We must have been there for ages before we finally let go. Just as we were drawing away, I was so close to kissing her again but I knew it would just complicate things.

We drove back home in silence and just as we arrived, we ran into Leah getting some water from the kitchen. She hurried off to bed once she had ensured Joey was alright. I was glad to get rid of her to be honest. My head is still in such a spin.

Joey put her bags back in my room and said I would come in with Ruby again, which is where I am now. Joey wanted to talk but I've stalled until tomorrow. I know that if I talk to her about all of this now, we'll probably end up kissing again. Or more!

Do I really want to do that kind of thing with a _girl_? How does this happen? I've never had a bisexual thought in my life and now, here I am, unable to get Joey out of my head. I love everything about her. She has the most wonderful personality, the cutest laugh, the most loving nature. And she's so beautiful. I love her face – especially her eyes – and her hair, her figure. I find myself wanting to touch her. I've looked at the shape of her body, her cleavage... I've even caught myself checking out her arse! And her mouth. I've always loved her mouth and her cute little smile. But now that I've kissed her... Wow. Her lips are so soft and beautiful and, even judging by a few moments, she can definitely kiss. I think my heart actually stopped beating for a moment there. It was amazing. And I so want to go into her and do again. And again and again and again.

But I can't. I have to stay up here and fight through it. Even if Joey and I did end up together, I couldn't rush it. I'd have to do it properly. I couldn't be half hearted. I couldn't hurt her. I have to think about this and I have to get it right.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 31<strong>**st**** March**

**16:03**

**Home**

Why am I such a mess? I nearly lost Joey for good yesterday. She was nearly drowned by the vile monster that raped her only a few weeks ago. And rather than helping her and making things better, I confused her, kissed her and I'm still avoiding her. Well, I say that but the reason I am home right now is because I know I need to talk to her. I'm not entirely sure what I'm meant to say but I can't keep avoiding her forever. I need to do right by her and by myself. I just have no idea how.

I was up pretty early this morning and to be honest, I'd hardly slept. Ruby moaned very early on at how much I fidgeted and complained in my sleep but I couldn't help it. I'm going to Dad's for a few days today so I am hoping with some space, I might find some peace and clarity.

When Leah woke up, she immediately asked what had happened with Joey, although she was acting a little weird, as if she'd done something wrong somehow. But anyway, I explained what Robbo had done to Joey and she was very worried. I know she was concerned when Joey first moved in, that she would bring trouble with her, but it's been nice to see the way that they have bonded – and also Joey with Ruby and VJ. To be honest, it's pretty hard not to get along with Joey. That's largely why this is so damn hard.

I was nursing a coffee when Joey appeared. I was saved from talking to her when Leah arrived and I hurried out for work. I was five minutes early from when Watson was meant to pick me up but I didn't care. All poor Joey said was something about how she'd hardly slept because she hadn't been able to stop thinking about everything. The way she looked at me said that she didn't just mean about Robbo. I panicked and left but she followed me out and asked me to have lunch with her. I'm ashamed to admit that I agreed without any intention of calling. I said I wasn't avoiding her but it was a lie.

Work was a bit of a nightmare. I worked with Ken for most of the day. Tanya is still in intensive care and it's still touch and go as to whether she will live or die. We had some problems with transferring Robbo into permanent custody so it meant putting up with him a few times today. He made some disgusting and rather apt comment about me giving Joey mouth to mouth.

I went to get a takeaway from the Diner. Leah was packing up a hamper at the time. She, Roman, Tony, Rachel, Geoff, Alf and Hugo were all down at the farm to help Martha get the place up and running. Leah and Colleen chose the absolute wrong moment to tell me how sweet I've been with Joey and what a good friend. Ha! I'm the worst friend ever. I'm just hurting her more and more as each second passes.

I'd only been back at work for half an hour when Joey had shown up. I'd eaten my sandwich pretty quickly and then got back onto Robbo's case. I lied to her face and told her that I hadn't had time to eat, hoping she wouldn't notice my discarded meal. She did, of course and looked pretty heartbroken. She begged to have the chance to talk to me, pointing out that I had kissed her and not the other way around – as if I didn't know that!

I promised to come straight home from work and assured her that we could talk then. She seemed pleased enough with that and I escorted her out, only to run into Robbo. He made some comment or other about us being a couple. Joey panicked. My protective side took over and I escorted her out of the building and made sure she was okay.

When I came back in, I made the mistake of laying into Robbo. Ken was not impressed. He suggested I took some time off. I refused at first but I've decided now that it's a good idea. If I can get some time and space away from Joey and the situation, that will help me figure out how I feel, right? If I miss her that badly then perhaps that means I need to be brave and pursue things. Otherwise, I might be able to feel clearer headed about it all and I might be able to move on. Right now, all I know is that something has to change. And I have to stop playing that kiss on repeat.

I arrived back in order to talk to Joey properly but she's not here so I guess I'll have to wait.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 1<strong>**st**** April 2009**

**12:30**

**Dad and Morag's House**

Well, I'm away from Summer Bay and Ruby is with me. I'm staying here with Dad and Morag for a few days and I am going to quietly try and work out my issues.

Joey arrived back about an hour after I did. She said she'd been a little shaken to see Robbo yesterday so she went for a walk. I knew the moment had come to talk to her and I was terrified but I think it mostly went well. Sort of. Maybe.

Joey took the lead. She said that she thought she might have been focussing so much on what's going on between us because she is struggling to deal with what happened to her. Then she asked me how I was feeling. I told her I didn't know. That is sort of true. I mean, I know that I'm in love with her. But I can't explain or understand how I feel about that. Then she told me that she's fallen in love with me. My heart sank and soared all at the same time. I mean, on the one hand, I feel so lucky to be loved by such an incredible person. But the idea of being loved by a woman... of loving that woman back... it spins my mind.

She said that she didn't know how or why it happened but that she became aware of her feelings on the boat. I wonder if it was the same moment that I realised how I felt. I remember it so clearly. We were standing there and I was holding her hands and gazing into her eyes and I feel like I almost physically fell in love. That has never, ever happened to me before. I didn't think it ever could. And sitting the room together yesterday, I was so close to telling her all of that. She even asked me how I felt and hopefully suggested that I might love her too. But I couldn't quite say the words.

But I did tell her that I was confused and felt like I was having to question everything I knew about myself and my life. She was so sweet. She wanted to work through it together but I know that isn't possible, which is why I'm here. I have to work through this on my own because I can't think clearly around her – and I told her so. When I'm away from her, I can so easily pretend. But when I'm around her, she just drives me crazy. I am so attracted to her. All I want to do is pull her into my arms. I want to kiss her again, better than before. I want to know what it's like to be intimate with her.

I told her bits of how I felt but I kept it tame. It somehow didn't seem appropriate to declare that I wanted to rip her clothes off. And it wouldn't be correct either. I mean, I do. I really do. I'm wildly attracted to her and the other night only confirmed it. But that's not what this is about.

All too often, I fall into bed with people – always the WRONG people – and I end up hurt. If something were to happen between Joey and I, then I'd want it to be love. I'd want it to be something special and I'd want it to be long term. She means more to me than boyfriend ever has. She means more than all my exes put together ever did or could. Is that my answer? Does that mean I can take the plunge and actually be with her? I honestly don't know. I wish I could be brave and say yes but I am so scared of so many things.

Anyway, when I admitted to her that I was attracted to her, she looked delighted and thought that must be the answer. But I told her it was more complicated than that. I then made a few errors by saying I might be just responding to her feelings or it might be based in my bad experiences with men. I apologised and she was understanding about it. It just came out wrong. She even offered to move out for a while to give me some space, which was when I told her I was coming to visit Dad. She told me she'd miss me and moved closer. I assume she was going to kiss my cheek but I pushed her away before she got the chance. I just knew if she got too close, I'd crumble. And I was trying to be so strong.

Ruby had spent the day with Xavier, Brendan, Annie and Jai. When she got home I told her that I was going to the city and invited her to come too. She agreed pretty readily, which kind of surprised me. I know she likes to spend as much time with Dad as possible but I know she was keen to spend most of the holidays with Xavier, especially considering that Brendan is here and by all accounts, Xavier has a pretty hard time with him. But I was pretty excited that she was coming with me and we had a really nice car journey.

Leah had gone to a lot of effort for dinner in a bid to cheer Joey up so Rubes and I stayed for that. I sat next to Joey and I struggled not to stare at her the whole time. Ruby has since asked if things are okay between me and my 'best friend' but I've dismissed it. I can't even talk to Ruby about this Joey thing. I feel like I have nobody to turn to. Leah didn't notice anything. She was oddly cheerful and giggly. I think she's seeing someone. I wonder if it's Roman.

Anyway, after dinner, Ruby and I packed up to go. I went in to get some of my clothes from Joey's room. I mean, my room. I mean... our room? Oh, I don't know what I mean! But Joey was lying on the bed reading a book. She let me in and I finished my packing and told her we were leaving. She got up to say goodbye to both of us but before she could leave the room, I caught hold of her hand. She looked a little startled and as usual, my heart skipped a beat when she gazed so soulfully into my eyes.

I said goodbye sincerely and we hugged for so long that Ruby came knocking on the door to ask what the hold up was. It was just so nice to stand in the middle of the room, lost in our own world, holding each other close. I closed my eyes and breathed in her scent and I never wanted to let her go. But I knew I had to. I know that creating some space between us will help – one way or the other. I just don't know how I _want _things to turn out. I feel I ought to have an inkling about it by now but I just... don't.

We got to Dad and Morag's pretty late and I'm still in bed! I will face the day eventually. Maybe when it's almost over.

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 2<strong>**nd**** April**

**20:10**

**Dad and Morag's House**

When I finally got out of bed yesterday, I had a pretty nice day. Ruby and I hung out with Dad and Morag a lot but I had to make sure I controlled what I said. Just like when I went on that stupid date with Hugo, all I seemed to want to talk about was Joey. It was like every single thing we said and did reminded me of her. I was painfully aware of just how much she slipped into conversation, not helped by the fact that Ruby chose that day to be proud of me.

She told Dad and Morag all about how I had taken Joey in after she'd been through something so horrible and how I'd protected her and made her feel good about herself again. Apparently Joey told her some days ago that she thought everyone should have a Charlie because I am so wonderful. I bet she's not thinking that now! Well, maybe she is. Maybe that's the problem.

But Ruby said that Joey thought the world of me. I never told Ruby exactly what Joey had been through but it seems that she has. I totally panicked when Ruby started talking about the horror of rape. Fortunately, Dad was lucid enough not to get Joey's situation and my situation confused. There was no awful revelation to destroy my life at the worst possible moment. I'm grateful for small mercies.

Today, I've just been hanging out at the house. Morag and Ruby went shopping together and I spent some time with Dad. He was interested to know who Joey was and what she meant to me. I tried not to be paranoid that he knew anything. I don't think he does, although he did warn me not to take my work home with me.

And that's not something I would normally do. None of this is what I would normally do – get personally involved with a victim, take her into my home, fall in love with her, fall in love with _her_! I mean, all of this is crazy really. He said he understood why a case like Joey's would affect me. We didn't talk about it properly though, for which I am grateful. That part of my life is definitely not up for discussion, not even with my Dad. In a lot of ways, especially not with my Dad. I do still think, if Joey and I can get through this, in whichever way we're meant to, perhaps she is a person I could confide in. I like to think she could be. I really do love her so much.

Honestly! I came here to get away from her and yet all I seem able to write about is how amazing she is. This is going to be even harder than I thought!

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 3<strong>**rd**** April**

**22:49**

**Dad and Morag's House**

We had a pretty bad day with Dad today. He didn't recognise us for who we are in the present time for more than he did. It was pretty hard on Ruby and I've only just left her to go to sleep. I struggle with it all too and I am in constant fear that he is going to let a secret slip but the most important thing to me is to be there for my Dad and be there for my daughter. I just want to protect them.

It's Mum's anniversary today too, which is hard. Dad vaguely remembered but he just didn't have a clear enough day for it. But Ruby and I spent a lot of time talking and I think that helped both of us. I wish Mum was here more than ever though. If there was anyone I could have talked to about all of this Joey stuff then it would have been her.

I thought coming away would help sort my head out about Joey but it really hasn't. I miss her so much. I've nearly called and texted her on so many occasions. I've even written the texts out in full. But I haven't sent them. The silence is killing me and I wonder how she is dealing with it too. I hope she is okay.

I phoned work and got an update on Robbo's case. He's had a hearing and been refused bail, which is good. They obviously think he is enough of a danger, which of course, he is.

But in regards to Joey, I'm at a loss. I know that I am in love with her. I also know it is the first time I have ever felt so strongly about another person. I mean, I really liked Roman and I hoped, when I was with him, that he might be a person I could fall in love with. But retrospectively, I don't think it was there. I think I was keener on the idea of him than who he really was. I mean, let's face it, he hardly treated me like a Princess. Not even close.

Joey does though. She treats me far more beautifully than I deserve. Even though I ended up fleeing in panic, I can't help but smile at the memory of that lovely day out on the boat. She went to so much effort just to make me happy. And she really does make me happy. I get so silly around her. When I think about her, I can't help but smile. I think she's the most beautiful person on earth. I certainly couldn't do better if I tried.

But I can't be with her. To stand up and declare that I'm in love with a woman is too much for me. It's not like dating any new person. It's not like dating a guy. It's not the norm and I've spent enough of my life being different to want to have to deal with all of that again. I got teased mercilessly at school and I don't want to go back to that kind of place.

After Grant raped me, he spread it around school that we'd done the dead. Everyone started calling me easy and all sorts of names. The only reason I realised I was pregnant was because then they started calling me fat.

My parents made us move home before the real truth got out. I was home schooled for the rest of my pregnancy and then I ran away for that year so by the time I returned to my parents in order to start again, I had to work excessively hard to catch up with everything I missed. And in a new school, it got me labelled as a nerd and I had very few friends all over again.

I don't want to be different anymore. I don't want people to look at me like I'm weird. I have never ever had a problem with homosexuality and nor, I imagine, do I lot of people, but that doesn't mean I want to be one. I just want to be normal. I want to fit in.

I think Joey is so brave to have come out to her brother, despite him throwing her out of the house just for being gay. But that doesn't mean I'm brave too. It doesn't mean that I can cope with this.

What would being with Joey mean for my life? People would see me in a different way – my friends, my family, my Ruby. And I doubt it would go down well at work either. I've finally built a good life for myself and I just can't ruin it, not even for someone I love so much. I just hope she can forgive me. I just hope we can be friends.

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 4<strong>**th**** April**

**21:00**

**Dad and Morag's House**

WHY CAN'T I STOP THINKING ABOUT JOEY! THIS IS DRIVING ME INSANE!

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 5<strong>**th**** April**

**13:02**

**Dad and Morag's House**

I think I made another bad decision. Ruby and I were due back today but I took Ruby to the bus stop instead. I made out that it was because Dad had such a bad day yesterday and it was partly that, but on the whole it's because I'm avoiding going home and breaking Joey's heart. All I can picture is her beautiful face when she told me that she was in love with me. How can I be so cruel as to reject that? But I know I have to. I know I don't want to but I know I have to.

So, I have stalled and I am going home tomorrow instead. It gives me one day to deal with the Joey stuff and then I am back to work on Monday morning. Now I just need to spend more time with Dad and Morag. Then I need to practice what to say to Joey on my way home.

* * *

><p><em>Next time… after Charlie refuses to act on her feelings, Joey moves out and refuses to take her calls, Roman goes blind and Belle collapses at Tony and Rachel's wedding…<em>


	46. Chapter 46

_Sorry for the lateness of this chapter. I'm going to be busy most Wednesday mornings now as I am attending an M.E./CFS group and when I'm not doing that, I have open faith prayer services to go to. But it's better late than never (I hope). Love, IJKS xxx_

**Chapter Forty Six**

**Tuesday 7****th**** April**

**23:50**

**Home**

Well, I am back in my own room. Joey has moved out and I have pretty much lost her forever. I keep replaying the whole thing and I just wish I could have done things differently. I wish I could have been the person she needs me to be. But, as much as I love her, I just can't stand up and tell the world that I'm gay or bisexual or whatever on earth I'm meant to be. I just can't do it. I'm not brave enough. All this time, Joey thought I was the hero of the piece. I was the cop who came to save her but all along, she has been the brave one. She's always been the strong one. And judging by how damn weak I am, I think she's probably better off without me.

I was all set to stay a few extra days with Dad but, sitting in the garden over lunch he got all serious. He told me that he didn't know what was wrong and he didn't expect me to open up about it, but that if there was something hanging over me, I needed to sort it out. He gave me a lot of encouragement and I came back to Summer Bay yesterday, all ready to break Joey's heart. I practiced what I should say the whole way home and by the time I got back I was in tears. It took me a while to sort myself out and, as I expected, I walked into the house and Joey burst out to meet me. She looked so happy. And I hated myself more.

We started to talk, although I was struggling immensely. She was just so lovely, gazing at me with her big, soulful eyes. When she reached out and stroked my hair, pleading with me to put her out of her misery, I thought I was going to die. And I know I was going to change my mind. I know I was going to cave and tell her I loved her. I know that I was going to backtrack on letting her go. And in a lot of ways, I wish I had now. This isn't quite how I thought it was going to turn out. But we were interrupted by a phone call anyway.

Joey had been babysitting for Leah, who was out on a date with Roman. I knew they were getting it on! Anyway, some little shit threw a rock through the windscreen and it hit Roman on the head. He is currently in a coma and it's pretty much touch and go. We don't know if he'll have brain damage or what kind of injuries he'll be dealing with. It's a critical time right now. I headed out to the beach immediately and found Ruby. We headed to the hospital where Leah, Nicole, Martha, Hugo, Alf and Tony were all hanging around waiting for news.

I'd already called ahead at work and set them on the case and this morning, I was up and out early. I saw Joey very briefly but we didn't really get the chance to talk. I can hardly break up with her and then hurry on out to work. Did I really write 'break up with her'? We're not together! That's the point!

Anyway, Watson picked me up and we headed down to the crime scene first thing. We didn't get a whole lot of clues though. There wasn't much evidence. It seems that whoever it was, attacked the car and then left. Leah skidded and came to a stop just as Alf and Geoff came along and they helped.

I spent the whole afternoon working on the case and then headed to the Diner at lunch time. I ran into Ruby and asked her to join me but she said she was meeting up with Xavier. She commented (yet again) on how lost I seem to be at the moment but it's not exactly easy to explain why. I wouldn't know where to start. She then suggested that I went for lunch with Joey. So I did.

Joey was vacuuming when I got back. I shamefully admit that I stood watching her and checking her out for a few good moments. She has such a nice bum. She has such a nice everything. Especially those beautiful, perfect lips. I don't think I will ever get that kiss out of my head. But unfortunately, she hates me now. I've lost her and it's all my fault.

I brought her lunch and she was really happy to see me. I made sure that she knew I wasn't trying to avoid her earlier. I really did have to sort this Roman thing out. Then, I forced myself to start talking to her about the real stuff. I tried to explain everything, you know, about being so shocked about being so attracted to another woman and how, rather than my feelings fading when I left, I couldn't stop thinking about her. She was so sweet and so full of hope and I wavered right up until the point where I told her that I did have strong feelings for her but I was choosing not to act on them. The look of heartbreak on her face is now forever etched in my memory. It's something I don't think I will ever forgive myself for. I tried to explain my reasons and I was very quickly in tears but Joey held it together. She just told me she'd have moved out by the time I got home tonight.

She headed back into the lounge. I chased after her but she was adamant that we couldn't keep living together. She let me know just how disappointed she was. I begged her to stay but she said it would be too awkward and too painful. And I guess she's right. Seeing each other every day would be really hard, knowing we can't be together. But the thought of not seeing her at all, that destroys me more somehow. More than anything, Joey was my friend and I hate that I've lost that.

And even worse than that, I've pushed her into the shitty life she was living before. She's gone back to her brother, the man who was so willing to kick her out during the worst time of her life. He rejected her and hurt her and she's going back to live a lie. But then, I guess I rejected and hurt her too and maybe Brett is the lesser of two evils. I don't appear able to accept the gay thing any more than he can, just in a different way. I told her she couldn't pretend to be someone she isn't, which wasn't my brightest idea. She made a smart remark about me doing it and then she went to pack.

I begged and pleaded with her some more but then I got called back into work so I had to leave. I was back in an hour and was just about to try and beg Joey to change her mind. Honestly, I think I was about to change my mind myself. But then I got another call and then Ruby came home saying something about seeing Trey Palmer at the party last night with a slingshot. It was a good lead actually and we'll be checking it out tomorrow. But amid all of that, Joey finished packing and booked a taxi. I asked her to wait but she refused. She hugged Ruby goodbye and left. And now I'm lost and all on my own. The girl I love so much, quite rightly wants nothing to do with me.

Once I finished work, I just sat in my room for ages. I lay on the bed and I hugged the pillow she rested her beautiful head on each night. It still smells like her. I don't think I'll be changing the sheets for a while. And she left the pyjamas I bought her behind. I don't know if she forgot them or didn't want them or... I don't know. I wish she'd have kept them. And I guess I missed my chance to go snorkelling with her.

When I couldn't stand torturing myself any longer, I headed over to the Surf Club and drank, sad and alone. I think I hoped maybe Joey would be there and we could talk but she didn't appear while I was there. Hugo did though and he tried to talk to me and ask me out again but I turned him down very firmly. If I am not dating Joey then I am not dating anyone.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 8<strong>**th**** April**

**23:03**

**Home**

It's been another busy day. Sometimes I wonder why I even try to get the break by visiting Dad and Morag. I always seem to come back to chaos. And if my intention had been to clear my head of Joey, that didn't work either. I couldn't stop thinking about her and now I've lost her completely. I didn't see her at all today and it appears that a day without Joey is a day without sunshine. It was busy and hectic anyway because of working Roman's case but knowing I wasn't coming home to my Joey just made it all the harder.

I was up and out early, having taken on the task of interviewing all the kids that were at the beach party. We headed on over to Martha's place in order to talk to Xavier. I think we dropped him in it a bit with Hugo. Apparently he wasn't meant to be at the party. He was meant to be looking after Brendan. But it seems like he wasn't even at the party long enough to have any idea what was going on. Brendan went missing and Martha called him in a panic. We went round the farm and asked her and she backed up his story.

Then, on Ruby's advice from the night before, we headed round to interview Trey. He denied everything at first but when we found the offensive slingshot and told him one of his mates had confessed to smashing the windows of the school. He then claimed he was with Kirsty at the time of the accident, which sent us round to her place.

She denied being with him at the time but later this evening, she confessed that she was. He's made this claim against her about having a sexual relationship with him while she was tutoring him. She went round to get him to sign a confession that he was lying, which he did. It's all very dodgy but fortunately nothing criminal has gone on. Kirsty is in the clear and so is Trey.

I'm glad she came forward, even if it was only provoked by Miles shoving Trey during a row. I hope nothing will come of that either. Miles is such a sweet guy. He was only protecting his girlfriend and he thought she was going to be harmed. But I don't trust that John Palmer any further than I could throw him so the chances of him not making a formal complaint for Trey's dislocated shoulder is fairly minimal in my humble opinion.

Brendan appears to be causing trouble all over the place at the moment. He escaped the house again and wound up in a tree. We were trying to get him down and I was about to call the fire service for a ladder when he fell out. We took him to the hospital but he wasn't badly hurt. He seemed to find the whole thing amusing more than anything. Xavier said that it was the police visit this morning that freaked him out as he automatically thinks he's in trouble if cops are knocking at the door. Apparently it's because of what he's seen on TV and stuff. But I feel pretty bad about it.

Still, I was only doing my job. And at least he's okay. Apparently, Hugo has driven him and Xavier both down to see Gina for a few days. Ruby is bereft of course. She's only got back from seeing Dad and now her beloved boyfriend is leaving to see his Mum. It must be so hard being a teenager!

I had a pretty heart stopping moment today when I thought Ruby might have figured out that I have feelings for Joey. To be honest, I don't know if I'm relieved or not that she remains oblivious. It would be nice to unburden myself and I think Ruby would be the kind of person I could share this with. But she thinks my state of stress is to do with Roman. I feel very guilty about admitting it but I've hardly thought about him really. I mean, obviously I'm working his case and obviously I care but he's just a person in my life. He means a lot to me because he's my ex and we've shared a lot but I know for absolute sure that there are no residual feelings there. My whole heart belongs to Joey.

I was making a salad when this 'moment' between Ruby and I occurred. I accused her of moving my salad bowl and she presented it very sweetly and explained that Joey had moved it to a less obvious place to stop Ruby using it and therefore stop me getting irritated. That's just Joey all over, isn't it? So sweet. And so thoughtful. I thought I was going to cry there and then. Ruby started saying that she really missed Joey, although she's glad that she's made up with Brett.

That's when Ruby started saying how she'd been so self absorbed and how hard all of this must be for me. I thought she meant losing Joey and for a moment there, I was about to break down and tell her everything. But she meant Roman. Is it wrong that even amid all this chaos and tragedy, Joey is all I can really think about?

I was back late tonight and I've spent the past hour resisting texting or calling her. I'm so desperate to hear her voice. I haven't seen her all day and it's been really hard. I miss her so much. I can barely breathe.

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 9<strong>**th**** April**

**20:01**

**Home**

I called Joey. She didn't pick up. I'm trying to tell myself that it's because she was busy and not because she saw my name flash on the screen and decided she didn't want to talk to me. I just miss her so much. Even with how busy I am with work, I still can't stop thinking about her. This is hurting so badly.

Maybe I should text her. No, I should give her the chance to call me back. Maybe she will. I mean, I only phoned half an hour ago. She could be doing anything.

What is she doing? Who is she doing it with? I'm going to drive my crazy thinking about her again, aren't I? I just hope she calls.

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 10<strong>**th**** April**

**00:00**

**Home**

She didn't call.

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 10<strong>**th**** April**

**18:09**

**Home**

It was another fairly dismal day. Of all the romances in my life that have gone wrong, this has been the worst. I'm discounting Grant, of course. That was awful in a different way.

This is awful in a way that has left me heartbroken. Perhaps it's because I love her so much. Nobody has ever meant as much to me as Joey does. I really think, if things had been different, we could have been so happy together. She's literally everything I want in a partner except that she's a woman and I'm adamant that I should be with a man.

It's weird though. Because it doesn't make sense. The fact that Joey's a woman is a problem because I'm afraid of what people will say. When it comes to the physical stuff, her being a girl is amazing. Well, I mean, I've only kissed her. But that was one hell of a kiss. And I curse myself for not allowing myself to explore this further. I think I've made a terrible mistake.

I saw her in passing today. I stopped off at the particularly chaotic Diner and she was there having a coffee and reading a book in the corner. I thought I was actually going to burst into tears. I hovered over her for a bit, squeaked 'hello' and willed her to say something back but she just ignored me. And then Colleen squawked something like 'if you're not buying anything you're not welcome'.

With Roman in the hospital and Leah visiting him for most of the day, plus Irene being away, the poor woman is rushed off her feet. Plus, Belle's been sick so although Aden has been helping out, he has his own job to do on the trawler. Joey's old trawler.

Oh, I miss her so much. What am I meant to do without her?

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 11<strong>**th**** April**

**12:30**

**The Beach**

I'm having a day off with a little bitterness today, I must admit. I wanted tomorrow off so that I could go to Rachel and Tony's wedding but no matter how much I manipulated the rota, I just couldn't make it work. Three other officers had booked leave and that's the maximum. Nobody would trade and we have too many inexperienced staff at the moment to leave anyone unofficially unattended. So, I'm off today and working tomorrow.

So far, I've had a run and now I'm sitting on the beach, writing like I always used to. Typically, Joey is walking across the sand, down by the surf. She hasn't seen me yet. She looks so beautiful and lost in her thoughts. I just want to talk to her so badly.

I want to ask her if she's okay and if things are alright with Brett. How is she even living with him? He threw her out because she told him she was gay. Has he forgiven her or is she just pretending?

I guess I can't criticise her if she is pretending. I'm one big liar, aren't I? Everyone thinks I'm a perfectly straight girl but clearly there's a bit of a curve in me somewhere. And it's curving towards Joey.

If only I could get over myself and admit the truth. If only I could tell her I love her. If she'd even have me now, after what I've put her through. I've hurt her so badly. She'll probably never forgive me.

Oh, shit. She just saw me. Now she's leaving.

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 11<strong>**th**** April**

**19:29**

**The Surf Club**

The town was abuzz with preparation for Rachel and Tony's wedding this morning. This evening, things are a little different. Don't panic! They're still getting married. But rumour has it that Belle is a drug addict.

All this sickness she's had recently hasn't been a virus – it's been withdrawal. I feel so sorry for her. I have no facts but all I can assume is that after everything that's happened to her, she relied too much on pain medication and got hooked. I hope she's able to work through it.

Geoff and Annie have been very vocally horrified and by all accounts they have temporarily left Irene's and moved into the farm. I assume Irene knows nothing about it or else she'd be back by now.

I wonder if Joey's know what's going on. Why do I always relate _everything _back to her? She clearly hates me and wants nothing to do with me. Why can't I just let her go?

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 12<strong>**th**** April**

**20:44**

**Home**

It's been another long day, although I gather I got off kind of lightly by not going to the wedding. I only had criminals to deal with but after the ceremony, apparently while Rachel was throwing the bouquet, Belle collapsed. Leah said it was a drug overdose and it was touch and go there for a while. Apparently she is involuntarily being sent to a rehab clinic to try and put herself back together again.

Apart from that, the day was lovely, according to everyone I spoke to. Ruby was in a bad mood to wake up to a bug. She spent most of the day chucking her guts up – poor thing. So she was too poorly to go to the wedding. I felt really sorry for her, especially as the bride and the rest of the girls came over to our place to get ready. I had to leave before they were completely ready but from what I saw, Rachel looked beautiful.

Oh, and Roman woke up! Everyone was so thrilled, except for the fact that he has woken up blind. The Doctors can't seem to find a physiological reason for him not to be able to see but they're continuing to do tests. At least he's awake and talking. That's got to be a step in the right direction, hasn't it? These past few days have been sheer hell for poor Leah and for Nicole.

I worked for most of the day but I knocked off early, which was a bit naughty but it was only half an hour and I'm sure I'll catch that up at some point in the near future! I was just really tired and Ruby kept sending me texts of complaint and sorrow. So I stopped off at the Diner and collected 'safe' food that she wouldn't chuck up again and brought it home for my girl.

I miss Joey so much. I wonder what she's doing tonight.

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Ruby reacts badly to Charlie and Joey admitting their love for each other and Xavier admits responsibility on Brendan's behalf for Leah and Roman's accident…<em>


	47. Chapter 47

_This is a really long chapter! Sorry! But it's a happy one so I hope you enjoy it. Even without all my other fics, I'm sure you can tell what my favourite Charlie storyline has been! Love, IJKS xxx_

**Chapter Forty Seven**

**Monday 13****th**** April**

**18:54**

**Home**

I actually got to speak to Joey today! I'm not exactly sure how it went but I'm hopeful that perhaps we could find a way to start again somehow. I don't know _how _exactly but it's a start, right? As long as she doesn't move away. Aden said something earlier about her going on a long haul. But she wouldn't go without saying goodbye. Would she?

My day started with consoling Leah over Roman being blind. And then Ruby tried to console me, which was sweet but unnecessary. I'm worried about him and I want to help him but I'm not crying myself to sleep or feeling sick with worry. I can only assume that people still think I have feelings for him. I don't. I haven't for quite a long time now. And quite frankly, my feelings for Joey blow any other feelings I might have had for anyone else, right out of the water. I do care about him and I really hope he gets his sight back. He's a nice guy and he doesn't deserve this to have happened to him. But for me, that's as far as it goes. On an even more selfish note though, people assuming I'm cut up over Roman is a good cover for my despair over losing Joey. I sound like a really heartless bitch, don't I?

But we have made progress on Roman's case at least. Today, Xavier came forward and admitted that Brendan was the one who hit the car. Obviously Brendan isn't responsible for his actions and bless Xavier really. He was only trying to protect his brother. Yes, he did the wrong thing by lying and if Trey hadn't had an alibi, he would probably have been charged for a crime he didn't commit. And who knows what effect that would have had on his future? But I just can't find it in my heart to blame him for it. I mean, what would I have done if Ruby was in Brendan's position? How would I have handled it? How would anyone have? And Xavier is only a kid. He thinks he's grown up because he's sixteen but it was too big for him to handle and I hope he knows that now. Well, it seems he couldn't cope any longer and came to tell the truth about what happened.

Nicole was furious of course but Roman completely understood. He said he didn't blame Xavier or Brendan and doesn't hold anything against them. I don't know if I'm surprised or not. How do you react in that kind of situation? There aren't any guidelines for that kind of thing. Ruby is pretty mad at her boyfriend though for not trusting her and the rest of us to understand that Brendan can't be held accountable for what he did. She's been sulking at the kitchen table ever since I got home. I'm hiding out in my room for a bit and then I'm going to cook us all some dinner.

Leah is in a bad way. Roman broke up with her today and she's very hurt. Well, believe me, I know how it feels! We talked a little when I got in but mostly she wanted to be alone so I've left her to it.

Anyway, I headed to work early this morning and we were called down the docks fairly quickly. Watson answered the phone and I hate her for it now because I know she got to hear Joey's gentle and beautiful voice for a few moments. Just thinking about her makes my heart skip a beat. But anyway, my colleague and I headed down to the docks and sure enough, there was poor Aden with a bleeding nose. His boss, Gibsy had made some kind of comment about Belle and her current predicament. Aden lashed out, missed and got a smack in the face. And then it got a bit out of control.

We warned Gibsy that we'd be back later and led Aden away. I saw Joey on the way out and I think my heart actually stopped for a second there. She was wearing a blue shirt that looked gorgeous on her and she was just so... perfect. I smiled but she just turned away. Then I think my heart broke.

We took Aden home and I went inside with him. I really wanted to take him the hospital but his male pride couldn't cope with it. He felt like a bit of an idiot about letting Gibsy attack him and didn't feel strongly inclined to be brought into the hospital by a female cop. Charming!

We chatted for a bit and he figured out that it was Joey who made the call. And I just couldn't help it. I had to ask about her. She and Aden are good mates and I haven't had a conversation with her in six days (not that I'm counting or anything). He said that today was the first time he'd seen her in a while and that's when he mentioned the long haul. I got out of there fairly soon after that – in case I cried at the thought of losing her.

The rest of my day was split between the Roman thing and the Aden thing. Xavier had apparently tried to contact me last night about it but I had already gone home. But he found us today and confessed everything. We brought him home and then Hugo came to the station to sit in on Brendan's interview with us. It went well and I'm hoping no charges will be made. Roman doesn't seem interested in pursuing anything, which is good.

I was surprised that Hugo didn't lay into Xavier though. According to Ruby, he gives him a bit of a hard time, especially over Brendan, which isn't fair. Xavier's only a kid and he does his best. And by the sounds of it, Brendan responds a lot better to him than he does to Hugo. But maybe Hugo was trying to be nice. I told Xavier on the way out that he did the right thing by speaking up and I hope he knows I'll do my best for him.

Aden didn't press charges and we went down to the docks to tell Gibsy – and the warn him not to let his fists get carried away again. That's when I saw Joey.

I took her aside and she just about stayed to talk to me although at first, she was cold with me. I was so disappointed. I think I mumbled something about just doing my job and she tried to leave. I begged her to be my friend. I didn't care about the sacrifice of dignity. I need her. It got her to stop and turn around at least, even if it was to reiterate how badly I'd broken her heart. I admitted that I'd broken my own heart at the same time. And then, I swear there was a moment between us.

I don't know what it was exactly but something's changed. It's changed in me and it's changed in her. I was all set to tell her that I love her but we were interrupted and I had to go to the hospital. Some drunk was causing trouble down there. I had to leave but I really do think something might have changed. I hope so anyway. And I think after I've had dinner and made sure Ruby and Leah are okay, I'm going to call her and then maybe we can chat properly. I don't know where the chat will go. Knowing me, I'll just make the whole thing worse but I have to try. You never know, maybe talking it through will force me to go for it and be honest about how I feel. Stranger things have happened. Probably. Maybe.

The idea of coming out and saying that I'm in a gay relationship absolutely horrifies me but I do love Joey and I do want to be with her. And I know that if it's a choice between that and her leaving me forever, there isn't a choice at all. This past week without her, even knowing she lives a stone's throw away from me, has been hell. How on earth would I ever cope with it if she left me for good? No. No, I could never do that. I'd rather die.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 14<strong>**th**** April**

**10:42**

**Home**

Joey and I are officially an item! I am so happy right now! I'm still panicking in the background but I just... I love her so much. And I am so happy to know that she's really mine. Oh, she's so beautiful. I think I actually love her more than I did before. How is that even possible?

She came round to see me last night and we went down to the beach to talk and all my feelings came tumbling out and so did hers and we kissed and then...

Last night, I made love with someone for the first time in my life. All this time, I never knew the difference between sex and making love but I do now. I know how it feels – physically and emotionally. We made love. We're in love. I'm terrified but I know that as long as I have Joey by my side, I can get through this. I can face the world and we can be happy.

Obviously I have to tell Rubes first but she's never had a problem with homosexuality before so I am desperately hoping she'll react well. And she already likes Joey so that will help, won't it?

Oh, I can't even begin to explain last night and what it meant to me. And this morning. I've never felt like this before. I love her so much.

Right, I'm going to make a coffee and then I'm going to sit right here, grinning like a complete idiot and write down every single detail of the most perfect night of my life. I've been away from Joey for approximately forty five minutes and I already miss her! How sad is that? I just can't help it. She's amazing. I feel like the luckiest woman on earth.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 14<strong>**th**** April**

**11:11**

**Home**

Well my joy lasted almost fifteen hours. And I was asleep for four of them so quite frankly, I feel cheated. Joey is on her way over and I just can't wait until she gets here. I know she'll make it better. She makes everything better. I feel like when we're together, I can do anything. But it's these moments when I'm facing the world alone that I crumble. And I'm so scared. I'm so scared that I'm going to hurt her. I'm so scared that I'm going to let her down.

Ruby saw us kissing this morning when I dropped Joey off. She was on her way to school. Joey and I had checked out of the hotel and I dropped her at home (not too close in case Brett saw us) and the plan was that she was going to cancel her job on the long haul and then come by for lunch. I was so excited about it but now it feels like everything has been ruined. I don't think Ruby could have reacted worse. What if I lose her? I can't lose her. But I can't lose Joey either. What on earth am I mean to do now?

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 15<strong>**th**** April**

**09:09**

**Home**

I feel much better than I did on my last entry and I haven't got to be at work for another couple of hours so I thought I'd take the time to write everything down. It's not every day that you fall in love for the first time so I want to capture it while I can. And I don't want anyone to burst this bubble I'm in.

Joey stayed the night last night. It was a little bit weird at first because of the gender thing. But Ruby coped and we made sure we were quiet! I can't quite decide if it was better than the first time or not. The first time was amazing but with Joey, it feels like the best just keeps getting better. I feel all giddy and silly but I just can't help it. Why on earth did I wait so long when I could have been with my beautiful, wonderful, amazing Joey all this time?

Okay, so here's what happened. Yesterday, I finished writing in here and then went to make dinner for all of us. I stopped in the lounge to give Leah a hug. She wasn't very responsive and she's since taken VJ and decided to go away for a few days to clear her head. Roman's blindness is still big news around here and the last thing the poor woman needs to hear every second of the day, especially in the Diner. I hope she's okay. I think I'll send her a text in a bit to see how she's doing.

Anyway, Ruby was in the kitchen sulking more than studying but she was up for my dinner idea and I started cooking. I'd almost finished hashing something together when Xavier came round to see Leah. Ruby was pretty cold with him but I sent him on through. He made a dumb decision but he was only protecting his brother and I don't think we can blame him for that. I'm just hoping that we won't be forced to press the issue and subsequently press charges.

He, Hugo and Brendan have all gone to stay with Gina for a bit in order to figure things out with their lawyers and everything. Xavier apologised to Leah. I don't think she accepted it exactly and I heard her get up and slam her bedroom door. But Ruby and Xavier _did _make up so that's good at least.

They were in the lounge and I was just serving pasta onto plates when Joey knocked on the door. I stepped outside so we could talk in private, although judging by the swoony chat coming from the lounge, we were unlikely to get caught anyway.

There was just something about Joey last night that I can't explain. She was so confident – like I've never seen her before. She was in a t-shirt that accentuated her... assets. (I'm so blushing as I write this). And her hair was loose and gorgeous. She was so confident and sexy. And just... well... hot.

She told me that she wanted to finish the conversation we'd had early and encouraged me to come out with her in order to talk properly. I hesitated, I must admit – even with how stunning she looked and the way she smiled at me and how it met her beautiful eyes... Ugh! I'm turning into a sap already! But I just can't help it!

Joey told me that she'd been offered a job on a long haul and that if she were to take it, she would be leaving the Bay (and me) in the morning. I knew I didn't have a choice then. I knew I couldn't let her leave, no matter what and I'm absolutely certain that I've made the right decision. I honestly don't know why it all took me so long.

We headed down to the beach in my car and I was trembling from being in such close proximity with her. On the drive down, which was fortunately short, we just made small talk. I told her about the Brendan/Xavier/Roman thing and about poor Leah getting her heart broken.

We pulled up by the beach and had a proper chat though. I laid myself bare for the first time and I'm so glad I did. And I'm so glad it was with Joey. She's so gentle and understanding. She's not the kind of person who rushes to judgement and she just let me talk.

I admitted that I was nervous about what being in a lesbian relationship would mean for my life. What would my friends and family think? What would it mean for my job? She very quietly asked if I would be embarrassed to be with her. It wasn't an accusation. It was genuine question. I tried to explain that that wasn't what I meant. It's not about her. It's about her being a woman and how I don't want to be seen as different.

Then she said that she didn't want to look back on her life and wonder what might have been and she basically told me how much she adored me. I just gazed at her. She looked so perfect in the moonlight and I realised properly then just how damn lucky I am to have had someone as special as her fall in love with me.

I admitted that down at the wharf that day, I thought she hated me and she laughed as if the idea was ridiculous and she could never hate me. I really hope that's true! I couldn't bear for her to ever feel badly about me again. From now on, I just want to be the best I can be for her. I want to love her, protect her, make her happy, make her laugh. I want us to be everything to each other and I have never ever felt like that before.

She told me that she's in love with me and I told her I loved her too. I could kick myself for saying "I think" first because that's not what I meant. I _know _I love her and I hope I made that clear enough later (but more on that in a bit)!

She asked me very sincerely if I wanted to be with her. I lost myself in her eyes for a moment and I knew for sure that I did. I do. If I'd have bottled it and said no, she would have gone off on that trip and who knows when I would ever have seen her again? I couldn't bear it. And although I'm very scared, I love her too much to risk losing her. Plus, she stroked my hair and I just tingled all over. I get like that whenever she touches me. I held her hand and rested my face against her palm and I told that yes, I did want to be with her. Then we kissed. A lot.

I can't even begin to explain how amazing it was. Our first kiss was at 20:16, according to the clock on my car and the next time I noticed the time, it was ten thirty. Joey is the most beautiful kisser I've ever had the pleasure of experiencing. Her lips are so soft and her tongue is all teasing and naughty!

It wasn't the most comfortable situation, considering we were in the front seat of my car but it didn't matter. Her hands were in my hair and my hands were holding her as close as I could. And it felt so right, so natural being with her. I could hardly stop smiling and nor could she. I don't think I've made out like that since... well, ever.

I had the unspeakable experience with Grant when I was a kid and then I didn't go near a guy until I was in police training. And then I was so afraid that I threw myself into sex and didn't really spend a whole lot of time on the kissing part. And it's been that way since. Every 'relationship' (if you can call them that), has begun by me leaping into bed with the guy first. That's just how it's always been. Even with Roman, we had sex on the second date and I kissed him out of nowhere. And with Angelo, we kissed on our way to the bedroom so that part was over pretty quickly. Well, quite frankly, everything was over pretty quickly.

But with Joey, it's all so different. I certainly haven't leapt into bed with her too quickly. Well, I guess technically we slept together on the first night but we've known each other for weeks and danced around the issue for a long time. And more importantly, we've fallen in love with each other first. That's never happened to me before. It's a wonderful feeling.

At ten thirty, the windows were officially steamed up and we realised that were going to struggle to say goodnight. Things were getting more passionate and I think I'm officially addicted to kissing her. We got a little bit closer in that I hopped over to her seat and straddled her while we kissed. And during a pause to catch our breath, we gazed into each other's eyes and we just knew that the time was right. I didn't want to say goodnight and nor did she. We just didn't want to wait any longer.

I called Ruby and lied to her about where I was. I said I'd been called into work and that I'd have to stay there all night. The conversation was a little bit awkward due to my lack of concentration! Joey was kissing my neck and running her hands up and down my spine. I hung up and just about managed to get back into my seat. We drove a little way out of town and stopped at the first hotel we found. I hardly paid attention to the price and just stuck it on my credit card. And I barely had time to be embarrassed about checking in with a girl. I was too pent up with desire for Joey. We got our key card, hurried to our room and were making out before the door was even shut and the light was on!

We made love right there on the bed and it was the most beautiful experience of my life. It's weird, you know, because I never thought sex could be beautiful. Those weren't two words I ever associated with each other but with Joey, it just worked. It was beautiful and gentle and well, quite frankly, it was really, really hot!

Joey's gorgeous anyway. I've always thought so. I love her face and her hair and her hands. (I particularly love her hands after these last two nights)! She's very good with them. But yeah, I love all her features. And now I've seen her naked... Wow. She has an incredible body.

I thought I'd feel weird touching and looking at a woman so intimately but I wasn't. She was just breathtaking. She's all toned and has the smoothest skin. And I am officially a breast girl. She has amazing boobs. I spent a lot of time paying attention to them, let me tell you!

I was pretty nervous about it all, even though I was overflowing with lust. And she was the same. She's done it before but obviously the last sexual experience (if you can even bear to call it that) was when Robbo... did what he did. I know how scary sex can be post-rape and I didn't want to rush her into anything.

To be honest, if I could have spent the night just holding her and kissing her, I would have been happy. But I really, really wanted to make love with her. And we did.

Joey took the lead and I was grateful. I was nervous about getting things wrong and I hadn't really thought through what on earth I was meant to do. And I didn't want her to panic either. So we kissed for a long, long time, slowly stripping our clothes off and just touching and stuff. You know... exploring. Letting things develop. And then it really did develop.

I was lying on my back and Joey started kissing her way down my body. I felt like I was on fire. I love her hands and her mouth, although I think I already said that. She certainly knows what she's doing! She teased my breasts and honestly, I thought I was going to climax just from that! And then she kissed me between my legs. And then... Okay, I'm definitely blushing now! And I was blushing then too! I've never been particularly loud in bed but then, I've never enjoyed sex as much as I did then. Joey was amazing. She was gentle and slow but passionate and loving. It was like she was solely devoted to making me happy. And she really, really made me happy.

She kissed her way back up to my lips and we held each other for a while. I was still gasping and she was all snugly and cute. She told me she loved me again and I told her with absolutely certainty that I loved her too. And I shyly told her that I'd like to show her how much. But then I bumbled through an explanation of how I didn't know what I was doing and I didn't want to let her down. I got all caught up with my own anxiety but she just smiled, stroked my hair and kissed my lips. She told me that I didn't have to do anything I didn't want to but I made it clear that I did. We got a little clumsy in making sure I wanted to and she wanted me to and everything.

But I glided down her body, the way she did with mine and paid special attention to my favourite parts. I got down between her legs and I hope I was okay. She seemed to orgasm and I hope she didn't fake it. I didn't know what I was doing but I just stroked and teased, doing the things I thought she would enjoy. She felt so good under my fingers. And she tasted incredible. Like... I've never tasted anything like it. She was just beautiful. I was so turned on by the way she responded to me. And she was so good with encouragement and I have to say, I really, really enjoyed bringing her to climax. Making her feel (hopefully) as good as she made me feel was a wonderful experience.

We held each other for ages afterwards, just kissing and touching and yes, I confess, whispering sweet nothings. That night was definitely a night of firsts! I'm not much for pillow talk and I certainly don't let words of love and stuff tumble from my lips. But I just couldn't stop myself. I couldn't stop telling her how much I loved her and how incredible she was. And she kept saying lovely things back. She told me she loved me several times and she said I was the most beautiful woman she'd ever known – inside and outside. She said that she felt like the luckiest woman in the world to have me. And she paid me a few compliments like "are you sure you've never made love with a woman before", which stroked my ego considerably.

I've never been one for 'bed compliments' and I just can't bear it when people ask me if they were good, bad or ugly. I remember one guy actually asked me to rate him out of ten and then he rated me. I got a ten, by the way, but that's by the by. With Joey, it felt completely different. She wanted to reassure me because she knew I was nervous about getting it right. And I just couldn't stop telling her amazing she was. I've definitely never been touched like that before. And I've definitely never enjoyed intimacy like that before.

Oh, damn! I've spent so much time swooning that I'm actually going to be late for work. But I have so much more to say! I'll be back.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 15<strong>**th**** April**

**19:03**

**Home**

I got home from work and hour ago and now I'm waiting for Joey to come over. I checked with Ruby that it would be okay for her to stay round again and she said it was cool. We had quite a nice chat about it actually.

Oh, I'm so excited about seeing Joey. This is really pathetic, isn't it? Hell, I don't care. I'm in love and I'm happy. For now, it's still a secret. Rubes obviously knows and we'll tell Leah when she and VJ return from their trip. And I know Ruby confided in Jai, which freaked me out at first but I can cope. He's obviously being discreet about it and by all accounts, he really helped Ruby come around and be reasonable and accepting of my decision to be with Joey. So I don't mind. I don't know how things will turn out when the time comes for us to tell people but I think I will just have to cross that bridge when I come to it. And hope that I handle it well.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, I believe I was in bed with Joey at the hotel. We made love three times that night and all of them were amazing. Well, I think it counts as three times. I'm not sure about the technicalities. Really, it felt like one delicious orgasm. We never really stopped. We just kissed and cuddled for a bit. Then did... more. Then kissed and cuddled. Then more. Then kissing and cuddling. Then more. And then we kissed and cuddled until we finally fell asleep at around three in the morning.

We just lay there in each other's arms for so much of the night, unable to stop touching each other. My hands wouldn't stop moving. I just had to be as close to her as possible. And it was like there was no air between us. We were moulded into one. And I have never, ever been a cuddly sleeper.

I detest sleeping in each other's arms and stuff. I like to have my own space, I usually turn away from the person I'm in bed with and I guess I kind of like to pretend they're not there. I'm not good at sharing my bed, I suppose. But I spent the whole night resting against Joey's chest. She was lying on her back and I was snuggled into her, feeling her breathe and listening to her heart beat. And I still couldn't stop smiling.

I'm normally a big fidget but I woke up in the exact same happy position the next morning. Joey is officially at her cutest when she's half asleep. I was awake first and I lifted my head to gaze at her. She was all sleepy eyed and her hair was all tousled. She made all these cute little squeaking sounds as she tried to formulate words. I might be a little biased but I found it all rather adorable.

We made love again before we got up, despite the protestations of my starved tummy. I'd been interrupted during dinner the night before, of course and so hadn't eaten anything since lunch the previous day. But Joey was way more important than food.

At nine o'clock, Joey slipped out of bed and into the shower. I was lying in bed, still smiling stupidly to myself and listening to her singing. Then I started picturing her in the shower, all naked and wet. So I leapt up and even though I was feeling quite shy still, I followed her in. We made love again under the spray and it was so hot.

I'm glad the water was running or else I dread to think of how the noise we were making would have disturbed the people in the next room. It was just as good but quite different to how it had been up to that point. The previous night and earlier that morning, it had all been very slow and gentle. And this still had the same gentleness but more... vigour. I don't know if that's the right word but it was definitely the most passionate, hot sex I've ever had.

We checked out and then I dropped Joey near her house. We both agreed that being seen at this point by Brett would be more trouble than it's worth. He still doesn't know that we're an item and in a lot of ways, I'm more scared of him finding out than anyone else. I'm terrified of the judgements in general. And I think Colleen's head might actually explode. But Brett could easily make our lives very difficult and I hope I'm strong enough to handle whatever he might throw at us.

In the car, when it was time to say goodbye, we got suddenly shy, almost embarrassed. It was funny really. Less than an hour earlier, we'd been going for it in the shower but dressed in yesterday's clothes and back to reality, we hardly knew what to do with ourselves.

Joey seemed to find it hard to believe that we were together. She admitted that yesterday, she'd wanted to be as far away from me as possible and now everything had changed. I feel terrible for the way I've messed her around and I apologised to her and made sure that she knew I wasn't afraid of my feelings anymore. And I'm not.

I'm afraid of the situation and I'm afraid of what people might say but I'm absolutely sure of how I feel about Joey. I love her and I want to share my life with her. And I have never written or even thought those words about anybody before. Nobody has ever come close to making me feel like Joey does. And I do feel like the luckiest woman alive.

We had a joke about running off together for at least a few days and I do hope that we will get to do that sometime soon. I like the idea of taking her away on a little holiday or something. But although Ruby is dealing with it, I don't want to abandon her when she is still fragile. Plus, Leah is away. And she's already missing Xavier.

I told Joey in the car that I wanted to tell Ruby first. She offered to be there to support me but I thought it was something I needed to do myself. And I wish I'd had the chance. But Rubes saw us in the car together. Joey was just about to get out and she hesitated. Neither of us knew exactly how we were meant to say goodbye. So I asked to stay the night with me that night and she looked so happy. She told me that she loved me. And we kissed each other goodbye. It started as a peck but it got a little more passionate than that. And that's what Ruby saw.

Joey got out and I drove off. I saw her watching me from my rear view mirror and without any permission, this silly little giggle escaped my lips! I felt (feel) like a school girl!

I got home, ate, showered, changed and wrote down a bit of my elation. Then Ruby came in and told me what she saw. I panicked at first and tried to dismiss it, saying that I just dropped her off and kissed her goodbye but she saw through me.

Then she launched a rather awful rant at me about how I'm not gay and that I lied to her about working last night. I apologised for not being honest but I told her that I'd fallen in love with Joey. She asked if it had been going on all this time. I started to say that the previous night had been the first time we were together but it was clearly the wrong thing to say. She was horrified and kept yelling at me about being straight and always and only liking men. I tried to explain that I'd agonised over and it wasn't something I chose. I can't help how I feel. But she wasn't listening and argued before she stormed back off to school saying that I was being completely unfair to Joey by pretending to be a lesbian.

I can't say Ruby's words didn't affect me. They're still affecting me, even though she is starting to accept it now. What if I do hurt Joey? What if this is pretend? I mean, it can't be, can it? I have no idea if I'm gay or bisexual or anything and I am far from prepared to label myself. But I do know how I feel about Joey. I love her so much. I think I might even be addicted to her a little bit. Or a lot! This can't be pretend. It's too real. And I would never take this kind of risk over something that I didn't think would last. I want it to last with Joey. I want to be with her for the long term.

Ooh! She's here! Yay!

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 16<strong>**th**** April**

**17:08**

**Home**

I don't seem able to catch up with myself. I just feel so happy right now and I'm torn between wanting to capture it all on paper and wanting to cancel every single thing in my life except Joey. And Ruby, of course. I could never abandon Ruby – not for anyone. But I'm very lucky that despite the new circumstances and the anxiety that brings, Joey and Ruby get along really well.

We have another nice evening planned and I'm really looking forward to it. I'm ordering a pizza and we've got some DVDs and stuff. And I'm very excited at the prospect of getting to spend another night with the love of my life. Honestly, when did I get like this?

But I was reporting on Tuesday... Once Ruby had walked out on me, I was a total state. I burst into tears and called Joey immediately. She could barely understand me but she was at the house as quickly as she could walk, which I really appreciated.

I wrote very briefly and then fixed my face before she came over. She's seen me cry before but it was different when we weren't actually together. I want to be beautiful for her now. I want to be the best that I can be.

The moment she came round though, I lost it and burst into tears all over again. She was so sweet with me. We just sat on the couch and cuddled. I explained what had happened with Rubes and she was really good about it. I sorted myself out again (just about) and we talked about everything. She even made me laugh, which was a miracle! I told her that it felt right to be with her and that I just wanted to be happy for us. She told me very simply that I should just be happy then. So we kissed. Just as Ruby walked back in.

She freaked out of course and stormed back towards the door in sheer horror. Granted, it was pretty bad timing but I gave chase. We fell into another row. It turns out that she'd talked things through with Jai and he'd told her to support me. He said it must have been really hard for me to come out and tell the truth and that she needs to be there for me. And that rather than having had a bad time with men or whatever, as Ruby had theorised, he suggested that maybe I just want to be with Joey. Which is the truth. I really, really want to be with Joey. She makes me so happy and I'm so relieved that Ruby is getting her head around it. I'm glad that _I'm _getting _my _head around it, to be honest!

Oh, and apparently, a big issue of Ruby's was that she thinks she should have known. We're so close and she believes she knows me better than anyone and she's sure that if I was gay or bisexual or whatever, she would have had a clue. Jai pointed out that if I didn't have a clue then she would be unlikely to know either, which is a good point. But that whole thing makes me sad. And it only confirms the fact that she would hate me forever if she knew the truth about who I am meant to be to her. She'd hate me for lying to her and I would thoroughly deserve that hate.

But anyway, we argued in the kitchen and she accused me of throwing it all in her face. I pointed out that I didn't know she'd be coming home and that Joey only came over because I was so upset over how she'd reacted to us. To be honest, I thought we were past the point of no return but then Joey came in.

On her urging, the three of all sat down and talked it through. I was so frightened of permanent rejection from Rubes that I was actually shaking. And I so desperately wanted to cling onto Joey and hold her hand but I thought it would be too much too soon for Rubes. But she pressed her knee against mine under the table and I was comforted by that.

I explained that Ruby had been right when she'd commented that day about there being something between Joey and I, but that it was coming from both sides. She'd assume that Joey just had feelings for me but I admitted to being attracted to Joey from the start.

Ruby tried to accuse Joey of hitting on me but I made it clear that if anyone made the first move, it was me. I kissed her. She was even more stunned than I was when that happened. And that day on the boat, I know she didn't plan to make a move. She might have taken my hand first but it could have been either of us. I was willing her to do it. And I was the one who closed the gap between us. I wanted her. And I knew exactly what I was doing.

The last thing I want is for anyone thinking that Joey is some kind of predatory lesbian. It would be horrible and it would be completely unfair. That's not who she is and that's not what she did.

Joey was really sweet with Ruby though. She wasn't offended by any of the accusations and she just very calmly explained that she never thought she stood a chance with me and she was shocked when she realised that I liked her. She begged her to be happy for us, or at least to be happy for me. It's such a sweet and surreal experience to be with someone who cares so much for me. Joey is willing to stand up for me, put me first, love me... Who knew this could ever happen?

We confirmed to Ruby that we were a couple and I begged her for her support. We discussed telling people and I explained that I'd tell Leah because obviously, it's her house and I wouldn't want to have any partner staying regularly without her knowing about it. And I will tell Dad and Morag and people like that when I'm ready. I don't know when it will be but Joey has assured me that there isn't a real hurry for it. She isn't insisting on some big announcement and we've agreed not to rush anything.

Oh, and I made such a faux pas! I didn't mean it to come out quite the way it did but I was trying to think of an upside. The only thing I could think of was that whenever Joey stayed over, Ruby wouldn't have to share her room with me like she did before. Obviously that has implications. Ruby screeched that it was too much information but she was laughing and so were Joey and I. It was really embarrassing but it was funny too and it kind of helped to break the ice. Ruby said that she was onside and she gave me a hug before she went back to school.

Joey and I had an amazing rest of the afternoon. We ate lunch together and talked the day away. It was so nice just to relax together and feel normal. We were curled up on the couch together, just holding each other and chatting. Kissing a bit. A lot.

I shared my concerns with her and she was very reassuring. She'd cancelled her job on the long haul and after I expressed some concern, she told me in no uncertain terms that she would much rather be in my arms than out at sea. It's quite the compliment really. I know how much she loves being out on the water. She said she'll get a domestic job though – hopefully on another trawler but otherwise just in that general area.

She's going to live with her brother but judging by how this week has gone, she'll spend most of her time here and I'm really excited about that. I love spending time with her. It makes me so happy. _She _makes me so happy. I wonder if we'll ever move in together one day.

If it was anyone else, something like that would fill me with sheer terror but the idea of living with Joey is strangely appealing. Maybe it's because I know what it's like to live with her. Before things got complicated – or at least, before we acknowledged how complicated things were – I loved living with her. Just reading back through this diary shows me how much of a treat it was.

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 17<strong>**th**** April**

**08:33**

**Home**

Joey's gone to work. She got a new job on Wednesday but I'm still writing about Tuesday so I haven't had time to mention it yet! I've never had so much to write about and so little time to write before. Even when I've dated other people, I haven't spent _that _much time with them. But I've spent every night with my GIRLFRIEND since Monday night and I have that inconvenient work thing going on during the day so it's all been a bit hectic.

Joey stayed over on Tuesday. We had dinner with Ruby and she interrogated us a little about our relationship and sexuality and things. I guess it's natural that she has questions and I don't want to hide anything from her. If I want to keep her support I know I have to communicate with her and keep her involved in our life. You never know, maybe one day she'll even be supportive of Joey and I like she was at the beginning with Roman and some of the other boyfriends I've had.

On Wednesday, she even said that she thought Joey would be good for me. That was nice to hear. I asked her about it and she just said that Joey was sweet and that it's obvious that we love each other, even if she does find my feelings hard to get her head around. She said that it's nice to see me with someone who actually adores me for a change and she feels safe that Joey isn't going to break my heart.

We talked some more and she said that half her panic over me and Joey was a fear of losing me. I assured her that no matter who I'm with, that will never happen. I would never abandon my girl and Joey loves her very much. I think Rubes and I just have to get used to this 'new' part of me. I'm still the same person. I just happen to be in love with a woman. It doesn't mean anything else has to change – except that I'll actually be happy! That will be nice and refreshing, won't it?

The three of us had a nice evening on Wednesday with our pizza and DVD. And last night, Joey came round again and we had a real laugh together. I'm not really ready to go out and about with Joey as my girlfriend yet but I'm really enjoying cosy nights in and stuff. And I love sitting back and listening to the banter between Joey and Ruby. They kind of bounce off each other and I think it's really sweet. I'm so happy that they get along. I think we could be a really happy family someday.

And Ruby aside, things between Joey and I are continually perfect. She's working on a trawler again and she's enjoying it already. The crew are a lot nicer than on the last one. Even ignoring the Robbo factor, her boss, Gibsy was an arse. The only friend she really had was Aden and he's lost in his own troubles right now.

Joey has made sure she's spent time with him but it's hard for us not to get carried away with each other. I've just never done this before. I've never been this happy. We've only been together for four days but it feels like months (in a good way). Joey knows me so completely but she loves me anyway. That really is a wonderful feeling.

And while I've probably been bleating on far too much about the sex, it really is amazing. We have to be a little more cautious and quiet at home. The last thing I want is for Ruby to hear us but it's still amazing. She is one talented woman! And she makes me feel so loved. So very loved.

And now I think I'm up to date so I really am going to stop writing and I've got to get my butt to work! I'm already late! Oops!

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 18<strong>**th**** April**

**10:31**

**Home**

Oh, I had an amazing night! I'm still exhausted! And my beautiful Joey is out in the kitchen making me breakfast in bed so I thought I'd take the time to write a little.

Ruby spent the evening with Nicole. Apparently Roman sent his daughter away from the hospital because even without seeing her, he knows how exhausted she is with her visits and everything. So he insisted that she go for some girl time and have a bit of fun, which was nice.

And I think Ruby was grateful for the phone call. She's spent every night in with Joey and I and while she's really bonding and coping and I hope she's now in a place where she's actually happy for us, I think it was good for her to get out and enjoy herself for a bit. I just hope she didn't spill the beans to Nicole. I'm not ready for that.

And another bonus was that with Leah still away, Joey and I had a night in together, just the two of us. I gave Joey her key back yesterday morning. It was probably a bit naughty of me not to consult Leah and Joey has promised not to use it once she's back unless she has permission, but when I got home from work, I found, to my delight, that Joey had gone and bought a load of seafood and was making this infamous bouillabaisse that Ruby is _still _going on about, AKA the Fishy Soupy Thing. I'd mentioned that I wished I hadn't missed out on it so, with the house to ourselves, she made it for me. And it really was delicious!

Once we'd eaten, Joey presented me with strawberries, cream and champagne and we took it to the bedroom. I won't go into detail but let's just say, it was hot! It's not actually something I've done before but it was lots and lots of fun. She's just so delicious! Ooh, and she's here with my breakfast. Please hold.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 19<strong>**th**** April**

**12:30**

**Home**

It's been a perfect weekend but I have this horrible sinking feeling in my stomach. Joey and I are taking Ruby to the Diner for dinner and I'm terrified. I don't want to do this. I love Joey. But I also love this little bubble we've been living in over the last week. I don't want to step out there in the world. I'm scared.

It's like, when I'm with Joey behind closed doors, I can really be myself. I can relax, I can laugh and I can be as gay as the day is long. But out there in the world, I'm a cop, I'm part of this community, I'm Ruby's big sister, I have responsibilities. I don't want people looking at me, judging me and talking about me. I can't handle this. I just want to hide away with Joey forever.

Leah's coming home today and we have to tell her tonight if Joey's going to stay over. It's only fair. And I really want Joey to stay. I couldn't bear to spend a night apart from her.

She wants to come out now. She's done with hiding out here. She wants to be able to walk across the beach hand in hand, she wants to be seen in public, she wants to be affectionate no matter where we are. And I know I'm going to fuck this up. I know I'm going to hurt her. How can I stop myself from hurting her? I can't bear it. But I'm so panicked that I feel physically sick. I can't cope with this. I just want to love her. I don't want people to talk about it.

All I can hope is that there is little damage and that whatever mistakes I inevitably make, can be rectified. I've been so happy for that last week. It's the happiest I've ever been in my life. And I don't want to lose this. If there's Someone out there to guide me, please let me get this right.

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Brett makes life hell for Charlie when he discovers her relationship with Joey, leading her to make a mistake that makes Ruby ashamed of her…<em>


	48. Chapter 48

_It's another long one! Sorry! I hope you enjoy it. Love, IJKS xxx_

**Chapter Forty Eight**

**Monday 20****th**** April**

**The Beach**

**16:01**

Life is officially hell. How can this be happening? I feel like the whole world is ending and I have no idea what to do. Everyone knows about Joey and I and _everyone _is talking about it. And I was 'advised to take the afternoon off work' pending an investigation into my sexually inappropriate behaviour with a victim of a crime.

Apparently I took advantage of a vulnerable woman and I'm pretty much evil. I didn't take advantage of her! I didn't! Did I? What if I did? What if I'm no better than the likes of Grant and Robbo? What if I _am _evil? I just can't bear this.

And I'm not even allowed to see her. I'm not allowed to talk to her or anything. And all I want to do is run away with her, hold her in my arms and make sure she knows how much I love her.

And I do love her. I love her so much. What if I lose her? What if we're never allowed to see each other? I can't do this on my own. I can't. I need Joey. I can't walk around town and have people gossiping. I'd handle it (maybe) if I had Joey by my side but I just... I can't breathe.

* * *

><p><strong>Monday 20<strong>**th**** April**

**The Beach**

**16:39**

It all started yesterday. Joey and I were continuing in our bliss. We had such a great day. Rubes didn't come back until the afternoon so Joey and I just lounged around all day. We talked and laughed and made love. We started trying to get dressed about four o'clock and I saw her getting a little bit frustrated with crumpled things in her bag.

The words were out of my mouth before I thought them through – not that I regret them. I asked her if she wanted a drawer in my room. She looked like I'd given her a diamond necklace or something and I was happy to make her happy. She climbed back onto the bed and wrapped her arms around me. Needless to say, that getting dressed was delayed somewhat.

Oh, it was so amazing! How could something that incredible be wrong? It's not wrong. It can't be wrong! I love her so much. I can't believe that this is happening to us.

We just about managed to get ready to go out, although we kept Ruby waiting for a bit. It wasn't my fault! Joey crept up behind me while I was putting my keys in my bag and she kissed my shoulder. It's things like that that just drive me crazy. I love her lips and her gentleness. I love how affectionate she is and how she can make me feel so loved just by a look or a simple gesture. She's so beautiful.

Maybe she's better off without me. If I'm this horrific, predatory creature then maybe I should just let her go. I can't bear the way people are looking at me and talking about me. What if they think I've done something terrible to her? What if I _have _done something terrible?

But I'm getting distracted with the bad stuff. It's hard not to.

On a happier note, Joey and I got carried away with making out in the kitchen. I swear, I nearly made love to her right there on the kitchen table. I've honestly never felt this way about anyone before.

We had a nice dinner, except for my hurtful rejection of her affection out in public. Ruby's teasing didn't help. She got a text from Xavier to say that he, Hugo and Brendan were home from Gina's and then she started hassling me about speeding up the case – as if I can do anything. If it was up to me, no charges would be put forward but it's not my call.

We bickered a little and then started talking about the talk I had to do at Ruby's school today. (Don't even get me started). Joey thought Ruby would be proud of me, which made me giggle. She's so sweet. But my explanation that I'm a constant source of embarrassment to my sister only prompted Ruby to say (a little too loudly for my liking) that not everybody is in love with me. Joey was amused. I was not.

Then Leah and VJ arrived to grab a snack on their way home from Leah's parent's house. I invited her to join us and I think (I hope) I would have told her then but she didn't stay and I was so panicked. Then Ruby followed her to the counter to look at the specials board. I completely panicked until she reassured me that she wasn't going to tell Leah the secret.

By the time I'd turned back to Joey, I knew I'd let her down. I guess the time was always going to come. Of course I'd let her down. She's this amazing woman and I'm just... me. I'm pathetic. I talk big but I'm weak and I'm a coward. I can never be what she needs me to be and I can't cope with everyone knowing about us. I just can't do it.

I know she was still hurting when we went home. Ruby went straight up to bed, wanting to be spritely for school in the morning – although, I suspect that was more to do with seeing Xavier than anything else. Joey and I went to get changed. I took her hands and gazed into her eyes and I apologised for struggling. She kissed me and it was wonderful and I just wish I could go right back to that moment and do everything differently from there on out.

We hung out and watched TV for a bit and she nervously asked me about the sleeping arrangements. I felt really bad but I wanted to bunk with Ruby because it didn't feel right to have Joey in my room when Leah was there and she didn't know about us. I know she was sad about it, although she tried not to be too disappointed. And for the record, she's adorable when she's trying not to be disappointed.

I tried to let her know that I was upset too but I don't know if I made it clear enough. What is she thinking about me now? How is she? What is she's hurting and upset and I'm not there for her? All I can say is that I'm glad I did spend last night with her in light of what's happened today.

We kissed but we were interrupted by a knock on the door. It was late and the knock was pretty urgent. My poor Joey immediately panicked that it was Robbo but it was the next worst thing – Brett. He was drunk and furious and barged in, shouting the odds at both of us. He laid into Joey and then into me. I insisted that I was looking after her and Joey stood up for us. She insisted that I was her girlfriend and we were together now. It was brave of her.

But unfortunately (or fortunately) Leah walked in right at the moment and the truth came out. Brett called us sick and a few other things and then he stumbled back out. We had to sit down with Leah and explain that we were a couple. She was pretty stunned and didn't really say anything but asked that we discuss it in the morning when she was less asleep. But she added that it didn't bother her.

After that, Joey and I headed to bed (together). We got into bed and cuddled and kissed. She did everything she could to reassure me that everyone would be alright and we just had to ride out the storm. I wish it had been that simple.

We made love and I actually think that was the best of all the amazing times we've shared. I felt so loved and it breaks my heart to think that it could be the last time. If I could do it again I'd memorise every feature and I would never leave that room and let her go.

But the shit hit the fan today and now it feels like everything has gone to hell. I was having breakfast with Ruby and Joey when Leah arrived and reiterated that she has no problem with me and Joey being an item. She requested that we didn't make it too obvious in front of VJ, which is fine. I don't want to make it too obvious in front of anyone!

Then Xavier showed up in order to walk to school with Ruby and awkwardly showed us the graffiti on my car. Joey's bastard of a brother had scrawled 'queer' all over my car. We were all staring at it when some spoilt brat school girls walked past, laughing at me. It was so humiliating and I guess that's when I broke.

Joey was full of apologies – as if it was her fault – and I just ignored her. I hate myself for it now but I totally shut her out. I stormed back into the house, called Watson to get a lift and couldn't stop thinking about anything but getting to work. I felt sick and humiliated and I wanted the world to swallow me up.

Ruby and Xavier headed on to school and Leah busied herself with VJ. Joey approached me like she was scared but she tried to hug me. We were outside so I wouldn't even look at her, let alone touch her and I know I hurt her feelings. She just hung her head, apologised and headed back inside. I did end up going back in. I hugged her and kissed her and I told her I loved her. I clung to her until Watson beeped for me. And then the hell continued.

Work was a nightmare. At first Watson was commenting on how if someone was going to spray paint my car, they should at least make a correct slur. Then she realised she'd put her foot in it. She suggested cancelling the school talk, which retrospectively, I should have. But I'd shut down and I was all business. I'd fallen into that arrest mode thing that Ruby always tells me off for.

We went to the school and it was hell. Trey Palmer started on me immediately, mocking me, calling me names and generally humiliating me as much as possible. Martin kicked him out but the damage was done. Ruby was mortified and so was I.

Watson and I left as quickly as possible and went back to the station. I was momentarily relieved to get a memo telling me that Robbo had changed his plea to guilty and wouldn't be contesting the charges against him. At least then Joey won't have to go through the trauma of giving evidence and she won't be dragged through the courts like we feared she would be. But of course, I haven't even had the chance to tell her that because my colleague approached to tell me that Brett had made a formal complaint against me for sexual misconduct.

And that's how I ended up here. Watson and another colleague had to talk me through it. Basically, Brett has said that his sister had been perfectly normal and heterosexual until she met me. He thinks that I've corrupted her and taken advantage of her when she was vulnerable and understandably afraid of men. I felt sick. I objected of course but I couldn't just dismiss it.

I did the wrong thing by taking Joey into my home when I was working on her case. I knew that and I did it anyway. Pointing out that she was homeless because her so called loving brother called her a sicko and threw her out doesn't help though. I still disobeyed the rules.

And then, worse than that, I took her into my bed when I was still the named officer in charge of her case. I should have handed it over to Watson ages ago – the moment I knew I was falling in love with her. But I was just so confused about the whole thing and now it feels like the end of the world.

I was advised to take the rest of the day off, which I reluctantly agreed to. As I was leaving my office, I saw Joey. I wasn't even allowed to speak to her. She looked so confused and lost and all I wanted to do was comfort her. I wanted to take her in my arms and let her know that everything would be okay. But it would be a lie. I have no idea if anything is going to be okay. I love her so much but I could lose everything over this. Ruby is doing her best but she's still not comfortable about the whole thing and the humiliation at school would only have served to make it worse. The whole town is talking about me and I've been called gay and queer by almost everybody.

And I'm not gay! I might be bisexual or something, I don't know. But I'm not gay. And I hate the way people are assuming and labelling me. I don't know much about anything right now. All I know is that I love Joey. And Joey happens to be a girl. But I could easily have lost her now. I might never be able to see her again. We could have had a week of joy and now it could all be over forever. And I could even have lost my job. I honestly don't know what hurts more but I can't cope with this.

It's getting dark now so I'm going to have to stop writing. Plus, I've had enough beers that my handwriting is becoming almost illegible. I came down here in the hope that Joey might be here too. I know I can't talk to her but I just want to see her. I just want to know she's okay. But she's not here. I don't know where she is. I miss her. I need her. What the hell am I going to do? How can something so innocent be seen as something so vile?

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 21<strong>**st**** April**

**Home**

**09:19**

I am officially the lowest form of life. I'm disgusting and I hate myself. I've done some terrible, terrible things in my life but this is the worst. It's worse than giving Ruby up and lying to her about being her Mum. At least there was a reason for that. At least I was _trying _to do the right thing. This... this is inexcusable.

I slept with Hugo. I cheated on Joey. I cheated on my beautiful, perfect Joey. I think it's safe to say that I've wrecked everything. Of all the fucks ups I thought I would make, I didn't think it would be this bad. I mean, I was kicking myself for what happened on Sunday. We were having dinner with Ruby at the Diner and Joey tried to hold my hand. I pulled away and she looked so wounded. But this is worse. This is so much worse. After all I've put her through, she's never going to forgive me for this. I feel so sick and so dirty. What the hell was I thinking?

After I finished writing last night, I just sat on the beach and cried. I finished my beers, stumbled away to toss the bottles and then sank back on the sand. I just stared out into the dark. I associate Joey with the beach and I guess it was making me feel close to her somehow. I toyed with calling her several times but I didn't know where she was. If she was with Brett and he caught me getting in touch, I knew I'd be done for. So I just stayed there feeling hopeless and desperate. I couldn't even think about Joey because it was too painful and I just wish I'd held onto her in my head. Then this might never have happened.

Hugo found me. I hate him for finding me. It's not really his fault. I mean, he didn't force me or anything. But he came to sit beside me and I told him the news that no charges were being made against Xavier and Brendan for what happened to Roman. He was relieved to say the least and inevitably ended up mentioning me and Joey. He called me gay and I just lost it. I couldn't cope. I hated people telling me what I was and not giving me a choice about it. I snapped at him and then... well, then I tried to prove it by kissing him. He was on me in a second and somehow or other, we ended up back at his place.

I had sex with him. It was one of the worst experiences of my life. And you, dear diary, know just how bad it gets. It was over quickly, thank goodness. It hurt and I knew from the start that I didn't want to. But I just couldn't stop myself. It was like I wasn't in control of my body. I just did it. I felt dirty and disgusting, like I wanted to punish myself. I have this horrible habit of making every bad situation I find myself in worse. And boy, have I made it worse this time. I hate myself. It was vile and soulless and if I could take it back, I would do it in a second.

Joey is the only person I ever want to be with. I love her so much. And I know I was shaky last night. I know I screwed up. I know I have to take responsibility for that. But if any good came of it, I know for absolute sure that Joey is the person I want to be with. I don't care anymore what people say and what people think. I love her and I want to be with her. I want to spend the rest of my life making up for what I've done. I want to make things right and start again. But I don't know whether to tell her what happened or to hide it.

What would telling her achieve really? I mean, she'd just be hurt. She'd feel betrayed. She'd be so upset. And I can't bear to do that to her. I can't risk losing her. I just can't. But I don't want to lie. How can I look into her beautiful face and lie to her? What if she finds out the truth some other way? What the hell am I going to do?

I can't lose her. I can't. I need her. I need her like I've never needed anyone before. I hate myself for being so messed up that I couldn't survive one stupid night without her. I hate myself for not being able to stand up for us and what we have.

Looking back on the diary entries for the past week, it's so obvious how happy I've been. We've been so happy together. I love her so much. I can't bear this. She always deserved better than me and now I've just gone and proved it. I've proved to her brother that I really am a piece of shit. I've hurt someone so special, so beautiful and so perfect. I have no idea how I'm going to live with myself after what I've done.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 22<strong>**nd**** April**

**10:03**

**Home**

I have the day off today and I'm hiding out at home. Joey's at work until four and I'm not ready to face the world without her unless I have to.

I haven't told her about Hugo. And I've decided I'm not going to. I just can't risk losing her. I know I'm being selfish but after everything we've been through, if I turn around and tell her that I slept with a guy behind her back, she'll be so hurt. She was all set to leave town for good before the two of us finally decided to make it work between us. If she finds out that I strayed and went behind her back, she could easily walk out on me. I don't want to have finally found 'the one' and then let her go over a stupid mistake.

And it was a mistake. There is nothing between Hugo and I. There never has been. He might have liked me for a bit but he never wanted anything serious and quite frankly, in recent months, he's been the only single guy in town. I guess it was a natural assumption for people to think we might get together. But I'm not interested in him in that way. I'm not interested in any guy. I'm in love with a woman and I hope that in time, I can be out and proud.

I mean, everyone knows about Joey and I now and although I'm not exactly keen to go and face the music, I'm not terrified like I was before. Suddenly, in light of everything that's happened, stupid things like that don't seem to matter anymore.

I woke up in Hugo's bed yesterday and I had to do a horrific walk of shame in front of a very stunned Martha and Xavier. I couldn't get out of there fast enough and I still feel so sick over what I did.

I came home quickly and jumped into the shower. I stayed in there for a good long while and had the water as hot as I could stand. It was almost like I wanted to sear my skin off. I just wanted to wash every trace of Hugo, infidelity and my nasty soul out of me.

Once I was dressed, I sat home alone and wrote in here. Then I got a call from work asking me to come in. I hoped that Joey would be there, although I was panicking about facing her again in light of what had happened.

I headed on over to the station and the investigation had cleared me of anything terrible, which was a relief. And my colleague pledged the station's full support to me. They're not going to judge me for a relationship that makes me happy. I expect to get a rap on the knuckles over not handling Joey's case professionally enough but it shouldn't be too much of a slight on my record.

I went on home and my heart skipped a beat the moment I saw Joey watching television in the lounge. She'd come over and let herself in as soon as she'd got the call telling her that there was no case to answer and we could see each other again.

I think I fell even more deeply for her. To be honest, I think I continue to fall more deeply for her as each day passes. She looked so pretty in the blue shirt I really like her in and her hair was half up and half down.

The moment she saw me, she launched herself into my arms. I clung on for all I was worth. We sat down together and she was so sweet and so innocent. She said that it was torture not being able to see me the night before. She was worried about how I was and even said I should press charges against Brett for making a false claim. Apparently she really laid into him once I'd gone to work on Monday. She even said yesterday how sweet Hugo was in protecting her and sending Brett away.

She and her brother have had several blazing rows over the last couple of days and she's officially moved out. We went round to her place last night and despite Brett screaming and shouting, we packed her stuff up and we're officially a couple that lives together.

I thought I'd really panic when the time came to grow up and live with a partner. But I feel ready for it. I think this is the next step for us. It feels right being with Joey and I don't want to waste any more time getting things wrong. I know I messed everything up but I want to make things right. I want to be the best that I can be for her.

From that moment on the couch, when she said that she just wanted to forget what happened, I vowed to start again. I want to love her and protect her. I want to be a good girlfriend and I want to make her happy for every single day of her life. She deserves better than me. I know that. But if I'm lucky enough to be the one she wants to be with then I'm going to give her everything I have.

I feel bad that she's losing her brother though. I mean, I know that if it wasn't because she was dating me then it would be because she was dating some other lucky girl, but I still feel terrible, especially after everything. Maybe they'll be able to work things out eventually. I told her yesterday that in his own warped way, he was only trying to protect her. She told me with absolute sincerity that she didn't need protecting.

"Not from you," she said.

It broke my heart.

We cuddled for a little while and talked things through. I decided not to tell her the truth about what happened then. I was holding her in my arms and feeling the warmth of her embrace and I knew I just couldn't let her go. So we made a vow that nothing would go wrong again. I promised not to have a problem being out anymore and she seemed so happy. And I do mean it. When we're out of the house, if she wants to hold my hand or kiss me, I'm not going to panic. I'm going to be proud that someone as beautiful as Joey wants to be anywhere near me.

When I heard Joey's tummy rumbling and she admitted that she hadn't eaten lunch, dinner or breakfast, I offered to go to the Diner to get us a takeaway. She volunteered to go with me but I knew I had to do some damage control so I told her to chill out at home and I'd be back soon.

On my way over to the Diner, I called Hugo and he agreed to meet me. Once we were together, I basically told him how horrified I was by the whole thing. I said I wasn't thinking straight. He said that I was and that had been the problem. It was a joke apparently. It wasn't funny. We agreed that it was a one night thing and I made it clear that I was with Joey and I wasn't interested in him. I apologised for using him and I begged him not to tell anyone. He said that Xavier might have told Ruby (which he had) and that Martha had balled him out about it but he promised to make sure nobody told Joey anything.

I went up to collect mine and Joey's lunch from Leah. She asked how I was and what had happened with the investigation. I told her that everything was fine now. She was really sweet and said that she was glad. She admitted that she was shocked at first but she thinks Joey and I are the perfect couple and she's really happy for us. She unknowingly made me feel really guilty by telling me just how much Joey loved and adored me and she said she hoped that our relationship turned out well. I do too.

I headed home and Joey and I had a lovely afternoon together. We ate together and spent a lot of time kissing and cuddling and just laughing together. There were even a few moments when I could _almost _forget what I'd done.

She offered to clean the crap off the car and I decided to help her. It descended into chaos of course. We got into a water fight, interrupted only by Ruby. It might have been a good thing really because I could easily have got carried away with Joey looking so deliciously wet and soapy. But Ruby arrived home from school with Xavier, who left pretty promptly.

Joey went for a shower and Ruby laid into me about what happened with Hugo. She accused me of playing Hugo and Joey both and demanded to know how I can cheat on Joey if I love her so much. I said that I did love Joey and that it was just a terrible day when I let all the stress get on top of me. I'd been drinking, I was being accused of sexual misconduct and I didn't know if I would even have a job or a girlfriend by the morning. I was broken and Hugo was just there, offering himself to me. I was afraid of the gay label and I just reacted without thinking it through.

Ruby was clearly furious with me and she was pretty horrified that I was planning on keeping it all a secret from Joey. She did agree not to open her trap though and I'm grateful for that at least. Hugo really was a one off and I love Joey with my whole heart. I cannot let one stupid mistake get in the way of what we have.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 22<strong>**nd**** April**

**15:08**

**Home**

I'm really looking forward to Joey coming home. I'm cooking her a special meal tonight. Leah is going over to Martha's for the evening and Ruby is going to the Surf Club with Xavier so we've got the place to ourselves. I'm really going to make an effort from now on.

Last night, once we'd packed up Joey's stuff, we went out on our first romantic meal as a couple. We decided to face things head on and went to the Diner. Fortunately Leah served us instead of Colleen.

Oh, and there's a woman called Pippa working there temporarily while Belle is in rehab. Alf's gone away for his son's wedding so he asked Pippa to come and stay and help out with the Diner and Geoff and Annie. Apparently she's a Summer Bay stalwart and the most loved woman in town. I haven't really spoken to her but she seems nice enough. And while Colleen was definitely flapping a little over Joey and I, she and Leah definitely weren't. Leah was particularly sweet actually.

And I hope I did Joey proud. I'd reserved a table in the corner and we even had a little candle. It was a proper 'holding hands across the table and gazing into each other's eyes' evening and we completed it with a moonlit stroll across the beach.

When we got home, we went straight to our room (I can't believe it's _our _room – how exciting!) and made love. I (hopefully) gave her the best of me. And I (hopefully) made her climax repeatedly. I was a little nervous about her touching me because I know I don't deserve her but she would have known something was up otherwise. And I just want things to be as normal as possible.

From now on, I don't want a single day to go past without Joey Collins knowing exactly what she means to me. I worship the ground she walks on and I always will. I made a big mistake but I'm not going to lose her over it. Joey and I are meant to be together. It's definitely a forever kind of deal.

Now, I must leave you if I'm going to get everything ready for when she gets home.

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 23<strong>**rd**** April**

**22:03**

**Home**

Well, I am tucked up happily in bed with Joey and feeling like an old married couple! In a good way! I might add here that my beloved, beautiful, amazing girlfriend is looking over my shoulder! And now she's kissing me. I'll write later!

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 24<strong>**th**** April**

**15:30**

**Home**

I just got in from work and thought I'd take some time to catch up with myself before Joey gets home. Things are a lot more settled now. I'm still struggling to live with what I've done but I am trying my best to be a good girlfriend – the kind of person Joey deserves to be with.

We've moved in together, as I've already said and I couldn't be happier about it. The two of us just fit so perfectly together. I never thought I'd ever say that about anyone. We went out on our first proper date and that was really great.

Then on Wednesday, we had the place to ourselves. I cooked and it wasn't a disaster, which is good! We had a really good time – in the kitchen, the lounge and the bedroom! I love being with her so much. In so many ways, I feel like Joey completes me.

I've never been a Charlie fan. I've never liked myself. To be honest, for the most part, I've genuinely despised myself. But Joey helps me be a better person. I feel like I'm capable of anything when she's with me. I feel like I can actually break away from all the bad decisions and shitty mistakes I've made. I can move on into a future of happiness. And I never ever thought I'd see that day.

Last night was another night in and it was just as wonderful. Every night with Joey is amazing. We all had dinner together – me, Joey, Ruby, Xavier, Leah and VJ. It was really cool. Then Leah had an early night while I let Ruby go out to the Surf Club with Xave for a bit on the promise that she'd be back by her curfew.

Joey sent me off to go and relax (I cooked) while she did the dishes so I sneaked upstairs and ran a hot bubble bath. I'd already kind of planned ahead and bought champagne and new, posh glasses on my break from work. And I bought some red roses and sprinkled petals on the bed and then a few in the bath. I lit some candles and then came down to get her. She was surprised and delighted and it was really romantic. It's one of the most romantic things I've ever done – if not the most. She brings out a side to me that I didn't know I had.

And I kind of like this blend of gender roles, I must admit – which is quite ironic considering how much I freaked at the start. Traditionally, it's meant to be the guy who does stuff like that (not that I'm particularly traditional). But I've tried to make gestures with boyfriends in the past and it's just never gone right. They haven't appreciated it or I've been let down. And it's always left me nervous, disappointed and unsure.

But Joey was really thrilled with what I did and we had a lovely, relaxing, romantic night together. I feel so comfortable with her. Last night was only a small thing and I am planning many more nice things for her. I always want to make her happy. I always want her to feel loved and adored.

After the bath, we got into our PJ's, amid a little distraction, of course. What can I say? I can't get enough of her. I made sure Ruby was back home safely and then Joey and I went to bed. I started to write but it didn't last long so I thought I'd catch myself up while I'm waiting for Joey to get home.

We're going to the movies tonight and I have the whole weekend off so I'm taking her out for the day tomorrow. And we're considering going to the city to see Dad and Morag on Sunday. But I have to play that one by ear because Dad's not having a good time right now. He's struggling more and more with his memory and if he's too vulnerable, even though I'm no longer anxious about being labelled gay or whatever, I don't want to stress him out.

He's a good man but homosexuality is an issue that divides a wide range of people. Even people you wouldn't suspect, could have a problem with it. I have no earthly idea how Dad will respond to my news and I don't want it to be too much for him at a difficult time. But even if we don't get to do it on Sunday, Joey and I have plenty of time. And even if he struggles with Joey being a woman, I'm sure he'll come to love her anyway. I mean, how could he not? She's perfect.

In other news, Trey dropped the complaints against both Kirsty and Miles and it sounds like Aden and Belle have at least temporarily broken up. Joey hasn't seen Aden though. She's been working and so has he. But he's also been busy supporting Nicole and looking after Roman who came home from the hospital on Tuesday. I know Joey's a bit disappointed about not seeing much of her friend and she feels like she's been selfish and unsupportive but they'll catch up again when Aden's ready. I guess things must be pretty hard for him right now. And Joey and I have been reliably informed by several people that we're 'sickeningly happy' so perhaps it's better not to rub things in. Again, we have plenty of time to share our joy with other people! And I can't even tell you how good it feels to be happy about telling people.

Oh and Rachel and Tony got back from their honeymoon. They had a lunch thing with Miles, Kirsty, Leah and Roman which was a bit awkward for poor Leah. She said Roman was very on edge the whole time and freaked out when a door slammed shut and surprised him.

But he admitted to missing her and she misses him terribly. I wonder if there's a way forward for them. Leah deserves some happiness and Roman does too, especially in the state he's in. It'll be nice for him, I would have thought, to have a companion during such a difficult time. I never realised until now, how much it means to have someone by your side – someone you know will support you through everything. And I know only too well just how lucky I am to have that with Joey.

Oh, plus we saw on the news this morning that Liam Murphy, that singer guy, has been admitted into rehab and it looks like it's the same place Belle's at. I do worry about her. I hope she's okay.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 26<strong>**th**** April**

**11:21**

**Home**

We didn't manage to go to Dad's and I'm pleased to say I'm disappointed – if that makes any kind of sense! I really wanted to take Joey up to meet Dad but he was too poorly. Perhaps we can go next weekend instead.

But we had a lovely day yesterday. Joey expressed some interest ages and ages ago in a wildlife park that's opened about an hour away from here so as a surprise, I took her there. It was such a fun day. We learnt lots about the natural world and I really enjoyed it. Joey's more into that kind of thing than I am but to be honest, whatever Joey's interested in, I'm willing to give it a go.

And as sad and apparently 'lesbian' as this is, we've already started talking about our one month anniversary. We're going to take Alf's boat out again (hopefully) for the whole day. Joey said that there's this little cove she knows that's all secluded and lovely. We'll sail there and have a picnic together and really celebrate our relationship. It's two weeks away still but I'm already so excited!

Anyway, today we're just chilling out. Joey's still napping on and off – waking up for cuddles and then going to sleep again – so I'm taking the moment to write because I'll be completely distracted and quite frankly, I'm not wasting a single second of time with my beautiful girlfriend. We're hoping to go snorkelling later as I still haven't tried out the set she bought me.

Despite every bad thing that's happened, I can honestly say that these have been the happiest weeks of my life. Joey is the best thing that's ever happened to me. I don't deserve her but I am so very grateful to have her. She's my soul mate.

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Charlie's lost earring leads Joey to discover the truth about her one night stand with Hugo, prompting her to leave Summer Bay, Aden and Nicole are caught out and Brendan has an altercation with Hugo…<em>


	49. Chapter 49

_I am relieved that people don't seem to mind the long chapters! Thank you! Love, IJKS xxx_

**Chapter Forty Nine**

**Monday 27****th**** April**

**14:08**

**Home**

My world could potentially be crashing down around my ears and I have no idea what to do. Everything has been going so perfectly. Joey and I have been so happy. I've never been so happy in all my life. Why did this have to happen? Why did I have to be so fucking stupid? If she finds out about Hugo, Joey will leave me. I know she will. And now I'm terrified that that's exactly what's going to happen. What will I do then? How could I be with Joey for these amazing two weeks and then lose her? I couldn't do that. I'd die. I know I would.

It was all going so nicely. Joey and I woke up pretty early and had a delightful little roll in the hay before work. I got showered and she was still in bed when I came back in the room. We immediately started getting carried away again so I strictly sent her out to put the coffee on while I got dressed. She helped me get undressed.

I was just making the bed when I found one earring from the pair my dad bought me as a 21st birthday present. I hadn't even noticed that I'd lost them until now and I didn't realise the significance until I came out looking for them. Joey asked when the last time I'd seen them was and I realised I'd been wearing them the night that she and I had been forced to separate. It was the night I spent with Hugo.

Ruby realised at the same time I did but fortunately, she stayed quiet. Joey scampered off for a shower and Ruby made some comment about Hugo that I _really _didn't appreciate. I carried on looking for the earring but it didn't seem to be anywhere. I'd been in a state about it because it has sentimental meaning for me but now I'm absolutely terrified. Joey is far more important than any piece of jewellery or, frankly, anything at all. I have to find it. Or at least make sure she never finds out how I came to lose it.

I dropped Joey to work and she was just so sweet, encouraging me about my earring without understanding why it was so important. I just hope she never knows. Maybe I made a mistake by not telling her the truth from the off. Perhaps she could have found a way to forgive me if I had been honest. What will she do if she finds out now? I just hope she doesn't.

Anyway, once I'd dropped her off, I swung by the Diner to grab my obligatory coffee for work. I really need to cut back on that stuff, I think. While I was in there, I called Hugo but he didn't pick up. He hasn't picked up all day and I think I'm close to blocking up his inbox by now. I just hope he picks them up soon and we can resolve this whole thing once and for all. There's no need for Joey to find out what happened between us and I couldn't bear it if she did.

I was hardly able to concentrate all morning. I kept ringing Hugo and I kept panicking about Joey. She phoned me and asked if I'd like to meet her at home for lunch, which I have. I very almost forgot the stress of the situation while we ate though – not because it's not important but because she's just so lovely. She was at her most adorable this afternoon.

Apparently this morning at the shop, a girl she went to school with came up to her and said that news had got round about what happened with Brett and the car and everything. She said she'd been really nervous about it all but the girl had told her that they all knew at school that she was gay. She was so cute, the way she was talking about it and said she wished they'd told her, as it might have made things a little easier.

I asked if the girl was a friend from school but she said that she didn't have any friends. It made me laugh but it also makes me kind of sad to think of how lonely she was growing up. We've talked about our histories at length and she's been really honest with me. She suffered a lot at school. I wish I'd have known her then. Perhaps we could have saved each other somehow.

I haven't told her about Grant but I have alluded to 'bad stuff' that happened when I was younger. And I really think I will tell her about it one day. And that's something I never thought I would say. I adamantly decided a long time ago that NOBODY will ever know what happened to me and what the result was. But I love and trust Joey so much that I find myself not wanting to keep secrets from her. Except the Hugo one, obviously. I have to keep that one from her at all costs. If she found out now, it would be too long after the fact for it to be resolved. I either needed to tell her straight away or not at all and I opted for the latter.

She said the sweetest thing over lunch as well. She said that when she was younger, she had no idea how lucky she would get by ending up with me. I wish so much that that was true. She's not lucky to have me. Joey Collins is the most special, wonderful woman in the world. In all honesty, she deserves to be with someone who can match that. She deserves someone who would have recognised how incredible she was from that start, someone that wouldn't have given a shit what people thought and would have snapped her up immediately. She deserves someone who never would have cheated on her. I know I don't deserve her. I know that. I always have.

But I'm selfish. That's one of the reasons why I _don't _deserve her. I'm selfish and I am absolutely desperate to keep her. I have to have her in my life and I have no idea what would happen if I lost her. And even though I'm not good enough, I will always try to be. I will always love her, trust her, care for her, protect her... I'd do anything for her.

Once she'd gone back to work, I started looking for the earring again. Ruby found me and basically told me not to bother because the earring is clearly at Hugo's. I've tried to call him again but he just won't pick up. I don't even think his phone can be on because it keeps going straight to voicemail. It doesn't ring. Maybe he's out at sea and has no reception. I don't know. But I have to contact him. This whole thing is driving me crazy. As much as I keep hoping, I know Ruby's right. The chances of the earring being here is minimal. Hang on, I'm going to try him again.

* * *

><p><strong>Monday 27<strong>**th**** April**

**14:28**

**Home**

I still can't get through to him. I'm going round there. I'm just going to get changed and then I'm heading over. I just hope Martha isn't there. She's been pretty weird around me and I know she's judging me for what happened with Hugo. And so she fucking should.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 28<strong>**th**** April**

**02:18**

**Work**

It's all over. Joey's gone. I hate myself. I wish I was dead.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 28<strong>**th**** April**

**02:59**

**Work**

I feel so empty. I hate myself so much. I don't even know why I'm surprised. I don't deserve to be happy. If I'm the kind of person who can betray someone so good and gentle and loving and pure as Joey, then I don't deserve happiness. I certainly don't deserve it with her. I knew things were going too well. What kind of moron finds the love of their life and loses her in two weeks? I should put 'screwing up' on my CV. It's the thing I'm best at.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 28<strong>**th**** April**

**04:13**

**Work**

I keep trying to work but I just keep crying. You'd think having a fire to investigate would help but it's not. I've tried to call her so many times, regardless of the obscene hour but she keeps hanging up on me. And the last few times I tried it went straight to voice mail so I guess she's turned her phone off.

I wonder where she is tonight. Where has she gone? Is she at her brother's or has she gone somewhere else? Is she at home? Is she okay? Has she managed to sleep or is she awake like I am, turning everything over in her mind? I miss her so much already. It feels like there's a hole in my heart. I'm going to phone again.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 28<strong>**th**** April**

**04:21**

**Work**

I've officially left too many messages. I called but just got an automatic voice saying that the inbox is full. I'm going to do whatever it takes to see her tomorrow, when this eternal shift finally finishes. I don't care what it takes. I have to see her. I have to talk to her. I have to explain. I have to make sure she knows how much I love her. Hugo was a stupid mistake. And retrospectively, lying about it was dumb too. I just panicked. And I made two idiotic decisions. I just hope that I can make things right somehow.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 28<strong>**th**** April**

**06:40**

**Work**

I officially can't concentrate on work. I just found a little note from Joey in my bag when I was searching for tissues so I didn't have to walk through the reception area covered in snot and tears. She must have put it in there this morning or lunch time. It says:

_My beautiful Charlie,_

_This is just a quick note to say that I love you so much. I can't even begin to say how much I am NOT looking forward to us being apart tonight. These last two weeks of lying in your arms each night have been so amazing. But I'm planning (if Leah doesn't mind) to cook you a nice and filling meal before you start your shift and I look forward to waking up and finding you there in the morning. Maybe we'll even have time for 'dessert' before you leave tonight!_

_I love you so much._

_Forever yours,_

_Joey xxx_

I really, really hate myself.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 28<strong>**th**** April**

**07:11**

**Work**

I've been staring at the note for half an hour. It's a little tear stained now but I am going to keep it forever. I hate to think that this might be all I end up with.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 28<strong>**th**** April**

**09:02**

**Home**

I arrived home from work just as Ruby was about to leave for school with Annie. The first thing I asked was whether Joey was home. Ruby sent Annie out and told me that Joey moved most of her stuff out last night. I know already that Joey's never going to forgive me, although I'm still determined to try and get her back. I need her.

Ruby was right all along. She told me off at the time and I deserved it. To be honest, I deserve everything I get. Once she left for school, I sank onto the couch, trying not to cry. Then I found Joey's iPod under the couch cushions. I wept.

I guess now is as good a time as any to explain how she found out. I gather from Leah that she was in the Diner, asking if it would be okay to cook for us all tonight. She wanted to do pasta because it's one of my favourite meals. Pippa showed up with Hugo's phone (he'd lost it, which is why he didn't answer any of my calls), and Joey offered to take it round to him on her way to the shops.

She went round and Hugo was really grateful. To say thank you, he invited her in and offered her a free diving course. As he was finding a flyer, she spotted my earring on the desk. She'd made me show her the other one earlier in the day so that if she did find it, she would recognise it and be helpful in returning it to me.

Hugo denied that it was mine at first and lied that it must be Martha's. But she knew. Of course she did. And she played him expertly. She made out like she already knew I'd spent the night with him. And the moron fell for it. No, that's not fair. I know he didn't mean to drop me in it. He's a good guy and he promised to keep it a secret.

He made it worse though by offering relief that I'd come clean about what happened because he was afraid that Xavier or Ruby would let it slip. I can't even imagine how that would have made her feel. It must have sounded like we were all in on it except her, like we were making fun of her behind her back or something. And it just wasn't like that. Martha and Xavier saw me leave Hugo's room and I honestly don't think Ruby has ever been more furious with me. As much as she struggled to deal with me loving Joey at first, she's told me a lot of times since then that she now thinks we make a great couple and recognises just how much I adore her. I just hope Joey realises it too.

As soon as he realised that he'd completely dropped me in it and Joey had left, Hugo called me and pre-warned me. For that, I really am grateful. I don't know, if she had come home and confronted me about it, if I would have told the truth. But at least I knew what was going on before she arrived (if just barely).

It didn't help though. I've never seen her like that. She was so hurt. I couldn't bear the look in her eyes. All I wanted to do was rush towards her, hold her and beg for her forgiveness. And I would have if she hadn't left.

She came back and hit me with the truth right away. I confessed. She tried to leave and I begged for the chance to explain. She stayed temporarily and asked if I loved Hugo. The very idea is ridiculous. I love Joey and only Joey. I've only ever loved Joey. She says I have a funny way of showing it. I told her that Hugo was a mistake and I lied because I was scared of losing her. She moved to leave. I tried to grab her and make her stay but she hissed at me not to touch her and stormed off. I've never seen her angry like that. She's so gentle and placid. I must have hurt her even worse than I even thought I had, which was quite considerably.

I had to get ready for my shift but on my way to work, I went to see Hugo. I don't know why I thought it would help. It didn't. He could only repeat to me the same thing he said on the phone. I cried. I never cry in front of people. The only person other than Mum, Dad, Ruby and Auntie Michelle that I've actually ever cried in front of is Joey. That goes to show how much she means to me. That goes to show how much I trust her. I just wish she could trust me. Well, the problem of course is that she _did _trust me. And I let her down. I let her down completely. It's unforgiveable. Hugo tried to comfort me. Martha walked in with that same curious, judgemental expression on her face and I hurried out to work.

I've never been so upset at being on duty before. I've always relished my job but all I wanted to do was back out and look for Joey and try to talk it through. In a lot of ways, I wish I had. And I was going to, except I got a call to say there had been a big fire at the caravan park and I needed to attend.

We're not sure what happened exactly yet but somehow a tin drum fire thing got knocked over and a van went up. Claudia and Geoff were doing it inside, which was unfortunate. Between Miles, Kirsty, Jai, Ruby and Joey, they were rescued safely and went to hospital.

I clocked Joey as soon as I got there. She ran off out the back and I was completely unprofessional and abandoned everyone. I chased her out and tried to talk to her but she wasn't interested. I do think I might have got somewhere if work hadn't got in the way though. At least she was actually talking to me, which was different than when we were at home.

Oh, that word is making me feel sick. It was home. It was _our _home. We were living together. I loved someone that much that I was prepared to be all domesticated and committed and everything that goes with a long term relationship. Shame I couldn't keep my pants on earlier, hey?

I told her that I never meant to hurt her and that Hugo was a mistake that should never have happened. I tried to explain how stressful it all was – being called a sexual predator and everything. And that I was terrified of never seeing her again.

Joey cut to the chase of course and told me exactly what she thought. She suggested that I slept with Hugo because I was trying to prove that I was straight. She knows me too well and I had to admit that it was true. At least in part. She asked if I enjoyed it and I told her it was a mistake. Retrospectively, I should have made it clear how horrible it was. I will make sure I do that when I see her today (if she gives me the chance).

I begged her not to let it matter and that I didn't tell her because I didn't want to hurt her. She said that the worst thing is that I went from his bed to hers. She said it makes her feel like she means nothing to me. I wish so badly that she knew how much she meant to me. Hugo wasn't real. It wasn't a representation of my feelings. My feelings are honestly everything I've told her these past two weeks.

I love her. I need her. I want to be with her. She is everything to me. And I have to find a way to prove it to her. I have to tell her exactly how I feel and more. I will. I'm not going to let her walk away from me. I can't.

But last night, I had to. Ruby interrupted us because I was needed back in the house to figure out what on earth had caused the fire. Joey took the opportunity to run off. I have no idea where she went but I do know she showed up here later to pack her stuff.

The truth of the matter is that Joey hates me and I hate myself for deserving it. All I can hope is that all that love inside her, all that honesty and compassion and tenderness... I hope it can be reached. I hope that she'll realise what a pathetic mess I am without her, that I need her. And then I hope she'll find it in her heart to forgive me and take me back. I will do anything necessary to prove to her exactly what she means to me. I don't care what it takes. Joey Collins is the most surprising but most definite love of my life. I can't live without her.

Ooh! Text! Maybe it's Joey!

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 28<strong>**th**** April**

**11:31**

**Home**

It wasn't Joey. But it was Ruby. Joey texted her to say that she was going over to collect the rest of her stuff. She wanted to check that I was out. Ruby said (and I quote): _I told her you were out so if you are, get your butt back home pronto and make her realise how much you love her! R xxx_

I am home. And I'm going to get myself ready and geared up to beg her to stay.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 28<strong>**th**** April**

**12:01**

**Home**

I'm washed, dressed and ready to see Joey. Apparently she's going to be here at lunch time so I have to make sure I get this right. I have to make her see that I can't live without her. I don't know whether constantly crying is going to be a good or bad thing though. And unfortunately, I'm going to have to find out because I literally can't stop. I was holding it together and then I went into our room and found her PJ's – the ones I bought her when we went shopping that time – and I just broke down. I hugged them and inhaled them. They smell like her. What am I going to be like when I actually see her? I need coffee.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 28<strong>**th**** April**

**13:49**

**Home**

It didn't go well. I didn't convince her to love me again. She's gone. I have no idea what to do. She left in tears. And she left me in tears. I don't think I'm ever going to stop crying. And she left her iPod behind again. Maybe I'll hold it to ransom.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 28<strong>**th**** April**

**14:00**

**Home**

Okay, this is how it went. I was making coffee in a bid to distract myself. I made enough so that Joey could have some if she wanted some when she got here. She didn't. I was just pouring when I heard the door. I literally ran into the living room and she was clearly stunned to see me. She said Ruby had told her I wouldn't be home. I said something dumb like "I am." I mean, what the hell was that? Obviously I was. I was standing right in front of her. She said Ruby must have lied and then she told me she was just here to collect the rest of her stuff. I begged for an opportunity to talk. She said she didn't have time. I begged her some more.

She agreed and we tentatively sat down together. I offered her coffee in a bid to prolong things but she said no. She said she just wanted to get things over with as quickly as possible. I poured my heart out. I told her how much I loved her and how much she had changed me. I made it clear that sleeping with Hugo was the worst decision I'd ever made and confirmed that I definitely hadn't enjoyed it. I begged her not to throw something so special away over a stupid mistake. She told me that I was the one who had thrown it away.

I fell onto my knees and she let me hold her hands as I begged forgiveness. I said I couldn't live without her and that she made me a better person. I admitted that I was a complete fuck up and said that I knew I didn't deserve her. But I said I needed her and she was more important to me than I could ever describe. She told me that it wasn't enough.

She said she felt humiliated and that the thing that hurt the most was that these were the best two weeks of her entire life and it was all a lie. I said it wasn't a lie. I loved her and every single thing I've said and done has been the truth. She told me I wouldn't know the truth if it hit me in the face.

Then she stood up and began gathering the rest of her things. I followed her miserably but didn't help. There was no way I was going to assist her in walking out on me. I pleaded with her the whole time and I sacrificed every ounce of dignity I had left. She forgot the pyjamas. Either that or she didn't want them. I didn't remind her. If I've lost her forever then I'm desperate to keep something that she's worn, loved and been close to. I can still picture her face when I treated her to all that stuff. Unfortunately, every time I picture her happy, the image is immediately trashed by the image of her being so sad.

When she left the bedroom for the final time, I followed her and on the way out, I saw that she'd left the rose I'd bought her early on in our apparently brief relationship. I gave it to her a few days ago, having seen it in a shop I was called to at work. They'd been robbed and I had to go and take statements and everything. Before I left, I saw this beautiful, material, red rose on sale. I bought it (amid Watson cooing over how 'in love Charlie' was very cute) and brought it home to Joey. She'd been delighted and kept it proudly on the dresser so we could see it when we got ready each morning. I'd told her that it was the kind of rose that could never die, just like the love I had for her. It was corny but it's true.

So, when I saw it still there, I grabbed it and gave chase. She told me that our love had died so there was no need to keep it. I said that even if she hated me, I would always love her and begged her to take it. She was uncertain but she took it rather tearfully in the end. She'll probably dump it or burn it or something but that's her choice, I guess. I hope she keeps it.

She was just about to leave with all her bags packed when she turned back to me. She dug her key out of her pocket, complete with the little key chain I'd given it to her with. I cried harder and so did she. Then she dug around in her pocket and pulled out a box. She left before I could open it. She'd taken the one earring from the missing and incriminating pair, and she'd bought lookalikes out of her first pay packet in case I didn't find it. I would have followed her but I physically and emotionally broke down on the living room floor.

And now here I am. I think it's safe to assume that she hates me and never wants to see me again. I don't know what to do with myself. I want to chase her down and beg her again but maybe she just needs time. I've said everything that I can say and it's not been enough. Maybe if I give her the space to breathe, she might realise that she misses me and loves me. Maybe then she'll come home. Please, Joey. Please come home. I need you. I cannot live without you.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 28<strong>**th**** April**

**19:32**

**Home**

She's gone. She's left me. She's gone off on a long haul for the next three months. There was nothing I could do to make her stay. I didn't want her to. I begged. But as much as it hurts, I think maybe it's the right thing.

She's been through so much. She's so broken. I did that to her. I destroyed her. I don't think I'm any better than Robbo at this point. I hurt her differently but I still hurt her. She trusted me with her heart, her heart that was so, so fragile, and I stamped all over it.

I am not a good person. I never deserved Joey in the first place. I didn't want her to but perhaps she needed to go. Maybe when she comes home – and she did indicate that she would – maybe then we could give it another try. She could take the time to heal and we could start again.

We could begin on the right foot this time and we could get through. Maybe in three months, she will have forgiven me for what I did. I know that I am going to miss her every single day. And I know that I deserve to miss her. But I will be here, waiting for her. And she moment she gets back, I will prove myself. I will do everything I can to be good enough for her the next time around.

I'm trying so damn hard to be reasonable about this. I'm trying so damn hard to be accepting and strong and in control. Inside, I'm dying.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 29<strong>**th**** April**

**02:44**

**Home**

I can't sleep. I just can't stop picturing my darling sailing away from me. I wish I could have done this different. Fuck acceptance. Fuck being rational and calm about this. Fuck everything. I need her. I love her. And I will never ever forgive myself for losing her.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 29<strong>**th**** April**

**03:21**

**Home**

Please come home, Joey.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 29<strong>**th**** April**

**03:32**

**Home**

Please?

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 29<strong>**th**** April**

**04:59**

**Home**

I love you, Joey. I need you. Please come back. Please?

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 29<strong>**th**** April**

**05:19**

**Home**

I wonder if it's possible to die from grief and loneliness. If it is, judging by how I feel, I haven't got long left.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 29<strong>**th**** April**

**06:15**

**Home**

I hate myself so much. I really thought I could be happy with Joey. I _was _happy with Joey. We could have been so amazing together. We _were _so amazing together. She was everything I didn't even know I wanted. She brought out the best in me. I was thinking about marriage and kids and buying houses and pets and dumb stuff like that. I'd even booked the day off work for our one month anniversary. And now she's gone and it's all my fault.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 29<strong>**th**** April**

**07:48**

**Home**

I can't breathe in this room. Everything reminds me of Joey. There are memories of her everywhere. I feel like I'm dying. I've got to get out of here. I wonder if her boat's gone too far for me to swim to her and beg her to come home.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 29<strong>**th**** April**

**09:12**

**Home**

Well, it's the beginning of another awful day and at this point, I can't see anything getting better. Ever.

I got up in the end and drove down to the beach. I sat on the hood of my car, staring out to sea for ages, just wondering where Joey was and if she was alright. The image of her sailing away from me is burnt into my mind now.

There were so many things I should have said and done. I have so many regrets that I've lost count. I've never really taken breakups and heartache that seriously. I mean, I know I was upset when Roman and I broke up. I was hideously upset. I mean, I slept with Angelo for goodness sake! Yet another regret. But I was upset with the humiliation and the fact that it wasn't over on my terms.

But this is different. Joey has been different the whole way. I honestly believe that she was my soul mate. But I lost her. And worse than that, I deserved to lose her. All I can hope is that in three months time, she'll come home and we can start again. I miss her so much already though. How am I going to last until 28th July? That feels like years away. I don't think I can do it.

I should write it all down, I suppose. Capture the heartache.

After Joey left the house, I cried for ages. Then I wrote in here. And then I took her iPod and went for a walk. I burst into tears when I realised that she'd put together a 'CJ Playlist'. It was full of these lovely songs about me and her and how much we loved each other. I sat down on the wharf with my toes in the water, wondering what the hell to do next when that song 'Love Only Hurts' came on. I cried harder.

After a little while, Ruby appeared. She was on a library period but she said she was worried abut me so decided to come and find me and see how I was. The answer was 'not good'. She wanted to know how things went with Joey and I gave her a very brief summary. Ruby said that she'd hoped that Joey would just forgive me and we'd make up. That makes two of us, I guess.

To be honest, judging by what Joey said before she left, I think it probably makes three of us. That's one of the many things that makes me feel so sick about it. She loved me so completely. All that girl wanted was to be with me. She would have done anything for me. I know that. And I'm also starting to realise that if only I had confessed from the off, she might well have been able to forgive me. I think she wanted to. But even Joey has a limit. And I pushed it too far. I pushed it and I lost her.

I didn't know at that point that Joey was planning on leaving town, although I really should have figured it out. She was going to leave town before we got together. I hurt her so much then that she wanted to get as far away from me as possible. It makes sense that she'd do that now. But when I was sitting there with Ruby I stupidly said that all I could think to do was hope that she'd miss me enough to come back and try to work things out. Even Ruby knew that that was a dumb idea. She told me to fight for her. So I tried.

I went round to Brett's house to try and find Joey, on the pretence that I was returning her iPod. He was obviously delighted to see me – NOT! I asked to see her and he said that she'd left already. He said she'd taken a job out at sea for the next few months and I'd missed her.

I ran down to the docks as fast as my legs would carry me and I caught her just as she was getting on the boat. My beautiful Joey was all set to sail away from me. She waited though. She let me catch up. I begged her to stay but she was adamant about leaving. I begged her to give us some time to work through things but she said she didn't think it would work if she stayed. She said that she doesn't know if she can forgive me for what I did. I don't blame her. I don't think – even if things did miraculously work out – that I could ever forgive myself.

But she did say that she hopes when she gets back, maybe we could try. I still think three months is too long. Can't she just clear her head for a month, or a week, or a day, or an hour or something? Can't she just hold on to all the assertions she made that she can't live without me? Can't she just stay?

I know I'm being ridiculous. Of course she wasn't going to stay. I fucked up too badly and too many times. I continued to beg but she refused. I gave her back her iPod, although part of me wanted to cling to it and to her and never let them go. She was in a hurry but we stood there, gazing at each other until she got nagged to get a move on. I tried to memorise her face, although it cut me to see her so sad. She was in a baggy brown shirt and had one of her cute little beanies on. It was the black one. I've been a fan of that for a long time.

She told me she'll miss me. I couldn't even speak. I just nodded or something stupid like that. It took everything I had not to dissolve into a puddle on the floor. Then she kissed me goodbye. Then she left.

She watched me until I was out of sight. She stood at the back of the boat until I couldn't see her anymore. And for a moment there, she looked like she was going to say something. I wanted to speak too. I wanted to tell her that I loved her but I was too choked up. I just sat on the dock for ages, crying my heart out over my lost love.

I don't know exactly how long I stayed there but it was dark when Ruby showed up to take me home. I felt numb and broken. I couldn't speak and I couldn't cry. Rubes was lovely. She didn't try to make me talk about it and she didn't offer anything but support. I had a bad night and I couldn't sleep. Everything reminds me of Joey and everything hurts so much. And that leads me to now.

I got up and went for a drive, as I've said. I stared out at the sea for ages and then Aden appeared beside me. He looked almost as miserable as I did. There was some article in the paper about Belle having an affair in rehab with that singer, Liam Murphy. I didn't know that at the time but I found out when I got home just now and the paper was on the kitchen table. No wonder he's feeling so down.

He came and sat with me and said that he'd heard that Joey had taken off. He asked if I was okay and I told him how shitty I feel about stuffing up a great relationship. He was feeling much the same and I took him back to his place for a coffee.

He's the person I associate most with Joey. If he hadn't brought her pain to my attention then I might never have got to know her. However brief it was, she touched and changed my life. And for however sad I am right now, I'm glad I met her. I just wish I had been good enough for her.

When we got to the house, Roman was asleep on the couch and he looked pretty washed out. Aden said that he's been having real trouble sleeping since the accident and has generally been a mess.

We went into the kitchen and talked for a bit. He immediately asked about me and Joey. Nicole came in and seemed to want me to leave but Aden was pretty adamant that I stayed, even though I offered to head out.

When we were alone again, we talked some more about Joey. He said he was surprised. I doubt he could have been as surprised as me though! I found that I really wanted to talk to him about it actually. But it felt weird. Talking about my girlfriend (can I call her that still?) to her best friend in my ex-boyfriend's kitchen... it was just odd. He said we could just talk about something else though. He suggested football. I cracked that I wasn't that gay yet. My first gay joke! That's got to be progress, right? Shame it's too fucking late.

Our chat was interrupted by Roman freaking out in the lounge. He'd woken up from a nightmare and was all over the place. He freaked out further when he realised that I'd been in his house without him knowing about it. He yelled at Aden and pretty much kicked me out. So, here I am. The house is empty and full of sadness. Please come home, Joey. I need you.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 29<strong>**th**** April**

**23:09**

**Home**

It's been a long day. I spent most of it pining over Joey. I just miss her so much. I wanted to put on the earrings that she bought me because I want to keep her close. But won't that be too painful? It's not like it can get worse though, can it? It's not like I can just forget about her. I'll never ever forget about her. Earrings or no earrings, Joey's going to stay in my head and my heart forever. I just wish I could numb the pain somehow. I feel like I've lost everything. I _have _lost everything.

Once I got home, I just kind of floated round the house. I had a shower and broke down when the steam on the mirror revealed an 'I love you' message. I know it was to me from Joey. She must have done it before she found out on Monday. I didn't notice it yesterday.

I hung around our bedroom... my bedroom now, I guess... and cried into her pillow. Some of her hairs were still on it. I wept over them. Is this what our relationship has been reduced to? Hairs on a pillow? How tragic.

At lunch time, Roman showed up. How he managed to get here, I have no idea. It must have been pretty hard for him to walk all that way just from memory and with no sight. I offered him lunch and he apologised for going off at me before. We sat down together and he asked about Joey. Aden had told him and he was really shocked that it was true. Oh, and he did that typical man thing about "did I turn you off men?" As if!

Falling in love with a woman wasn't about a rejection of men. It was about finding someone so amazing that I wanted to share my life with them, and she just happened to be a woman. I loved Joey for who she was, not because I was hurt by or couldn't find anyone else. To be honest, I don't understand why the whole of Summer Bay wasn't in love with Joey. She was that perfect.

Anyway, I told Roman not to flatter himself. He asked if I was gay and I guess I still don't have an answer to that. I like men. I always have. And I haven't been attracted to another woman than Joey. But I was more attracted to Joey than I have ever been to anyone else I've ever met put together. What is that meant to mean? I have no idea. Like I said to Roman, I think I'll need about ten years of therapy to figure all this out. And it's something I'm considering. Maybe talking to someone while Joey is away will help me clear my head a bit.

I know that when she comes home, I'll have to be a changed person. I'll have to prove my worth and make sure that I'm good enough for her. If she comes home, she's not just going to gather me into her arms. It's going to be a long, hard road and I have to do everything I can to make sure I'm strong enough to be the person she needs me to be, to be the person she deserves. That's assuming she comes home, of course. I can't even contemplate what will happen to me if she doesn't.

Roman and I talked a little about his situation too. I think I'm the first person he's started to confide in. It was nice, even though we were discussing painful subjects. I felt, for the first time, like we had finally regained our friendship after the horrible breakup. I was able to see the nice guy he is aside from the man who hurt me. And quite frankly, the way he treated me is nothing compared to how I treated my poor, beautiful Joey. Just thinking about her makes me cry. I have no idea how I've even slept a night without her already. Well, I guess I didn't sleep really. How am I going to live without her? I'm not strong enough to do this.

I'm getting distracted. I was meant to be writing about Roman. But I can never seem to stop thinking about Joey long enough for it to happen. It's been that way since I met her. In fact, looking through this diary, it's been that way for longer. I knew, even when she was a stranger, that we were connected. I must have. I couldn't stop writing about her and looking out for her. Even when I didn't know how incredible she was, I cared about her.

For fuck's sake... I was writing about Roman! I'm worried about him. He's having a lot of nightmares and he's struggling to let anyone in. He started opening up to me but then Leah came in and interrupted us. Roman couldn't get out of there fast enough and Leah was really upset.

I drove him home and we walked in the house to find Belle (strangely out of rehab) yelling at Aden about sleeping with Nicole. Belle left in a state, Roman exploded, Aden apologised. I did everything I could to calm them all down. It didn't work. I left when I'd made sure that Roman wasn't actually going to commit murder and Nicole had come home. I hope they're all okay. I dread to think what Roman is going to do. His one rule when Aden moved in was that he didn't touch Nicole.

I left when it felt safe and tried to find Belle but she was long gone. When I got home, Leah was a bit tearful. I explained to her that Roman had nothing against her and that it was just bad timing and not to take it personally.

I also told her about the Aden and Belle situation. She said she'd seen Belle on the beach before she came home and so Aden and Nicole's rendezvous probably explains her mood. She phoned the clinic to see if she was back safely but nobody had heard from her. Apparently she was on some kind of day pass.

I tried to phone Aden a little while ago, worried that if Roman threw him out, he'd have nowhere to go. He didn't pick up though so I'm still quite worried about him. But I can only help him if he lets me so I don't see the point in hassling him.

I also phoned Joey. I knew she'd be out of range, if she's even keeping her phone at all. And, as I suspected, it was turned off. But her voicemail was on and I phoned over and over again without leaving messages in order to hear her voice. I just hope the phone was actually off and not out of reception. Otherwise she'll have a million missed calls from me, which isn't really what she needs. I want to give her the space she wants and then hopefully, she'll come home to me and we can sort all of this out.

I understand why she's gone – and not just because I hurt her so badly. She's strong willed and she knows her own mind. She knows exactly what she needs to do in order to try and heal. And when she kissed me, when she said goodbye, I saw that she still loved me. I know she wants to forgive me. So if this is what she feels she needs to do in order to get there, I have to let her. And I have to let her do it in peace. What's that saying? If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, you can love them forever and if they don't, they were never yours to begin with. I know that Joey and I were meant to be. I know it. She'll come home. She has to.

This evening, I spent a bit of time with Leah and then I spent some time with Ruby. We didn't really talk when she brought me home yesterday but we did talk this evening. She admitted that on the night Joey found out, she (Ruby), gave Hugo a piece of her mind. And she thinks he took advantage of me. I don't know if that's true. I mean, I haven't thought about it like that before. I was definitely vulnerable and not in my right mind but does that mean he took advantage? I did consent. I kissed him and I let him take me back to his bed. It's not like it was rape or anything. It wasn't Grant. But I was messed up. And he did know that. Ruby said that that's enough. She said he did wrong by sleeping with me knowing that I'd fully regret it in the morning. She said he took advantage.

Anyway, she told me about Joey coming home to pack her stuff on Monday night. Apparently Rubes begged her to stay. She told her how crazy I was about her but Joey just made a remark about being crazy enough to cheat on her. Ruby tried to explain that I didn't tell her because I was terrified of losing her. Joey apologised that she was being caught in the middle of it. She doesn't know where she's going or what she's going to do but said she couldn't stay with me for another night. I wonder when she decided that she was going to sail away from Summer Bay? From me?

Also, Ruby has had a squabble with Annie. Apparently Annie made some kind of comment about it being good that me and Joey have split up because she thinks I would be happier with a man. Ruby snapped at her about being judgemental. And it's that kind of opinion that made this whole thing worse.

I know I have to take responsibility for my actions. And I do. But if only things hadn't gone the way they had – with the homophobia, the humiliation and the charges that were being held against me – if only those things hadn't happened and Joey and I had been allowed to stay together that night, I know none of this would ever have happened. If only I hadn't been such a screw up, I'd still be all sappy and happy and in love and looking forward to our one month anniversary. I thought, when I booked the 13th off that I'd be having an amazing day. Now I'm just going to be feeling miserable.

Maybe I should go into work after all. I think keeping busy is going to be my salvation here. It's the only thing I can think to do really. Keep myself busy while I wait for my love to return.

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 30<strong>**th**** April**

**20:29**

**Home**

I pretty much sat and moped all day today and even though it's only eight thirty, all I want to do is crawl into bed and cry myself to sleep like I did last night – like I think I'm going to do every night until Joey comes home to me.

I hope she's happy out at sea. She was always so at home out on the ocean but she'd been nervous about trawler work again because of what happened to her. So I hope she's safe out there. I hope she's doing okay. And is it wrong that I hope she's missing me? I miss her so much that I can hardly bear it.

Apparently Aden slept on the beach last night. Roman threw him out after discovering the truth about him and Nicole. I just wish he'd picked up his phone. I could have helped him if he'd only let me know what was going on.

But Ruby said that Miles has let him stay in one of the caravans so at least that's good. I'm glad he has someone looking out for him. I tried calling Roman today but he didn't pick up. Maybe we didn't make as much progress yesterday as I thought we did. Never mind. You can only help people if they want to be helped. And quite frankly, I have enough on my plate right now without inviting more stress.

Oh, and it was all go at Martha's today. Ruby was a little strung out about it. I'm just glad she wasn't involved. Brendan managed to find a stick and that's against the rules now after what happened with Roman. Hugo took it off him and they ended up in a bit of a scuffle. Then later, there was another scuffle in which Brendan somehow got hit in the face and wound up with a bloody nose. He ran out and found Xavier and Ruby at the Diner and then Xavier had to go home and deal with it.

Everyone accused Hugo of hitting him, which he denied and it came out that he'd punched him once before when he was a teenager. But according to Ruby, it's all sorted out now. People have accepted that Hugo didn't hit him and Brendan has gone home with Gina.

And Brendan's obsession with blue cars (which put Roman in hospital) has finally been traced back to some kind of accident Hugo had when he was younger. I don't know the details. It's not my business. To be honest, as much as I still like the guy (platonically), the further I stay away from him, the better. The last thing I need is for Joey to come home and think something is going on between us or something.

When she comes home, I know I will have only one chance to make things work with her and I refuse to blow it. I've lost her once and it might still be over for good but if I do have the chance to be with her again, I'm not going to mess it up.

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 2<strong>**nd**** May**

**00:11**

**Home**

I've been working all day. And I mean all day. I got home an hour ago and I started work at seven o'clock. I just couldn't face another day of moping around and feeling sorry for myself. I pretty much cried all day yesterday and it's not conducive to a productive life. I have three months to live until Joey returns to me so I have to wake up and start filling my time.

Yesterday, I cried when I found one of her socks under the bed. I held a dirty sock to my chest for approximately two hours and wept. Then I put it in my 'Joey box' with all the other things I've collected that remind me of her. That's pretty tragic, hey?

I wonder how she's feeling? What's she doing? How is she filling her free time? Does she even have any free time? Does she regret walking out or is she glad to get rid of me? Oh, I have to stop asking these endless questions. And I _have _to stop calling her voicemail over and over and over again just to hear her voice. Definitely tragic.

Today, we wrapped up the caravan park fire case. There's no concrete evidence as to how it started. It could have been an accident. It could have been deliberate. All we know is that the drum fell over and the place caught light. Chasing the culprit is largely going to be fruitless so with Miles' agreement, we just going to leave it unless anything particularly incriminating comes up. I gave the order that the burnt out caravan Geoff and that girl, Claudia were in can be taken away today so hopefully that's the end of it all.

I ran into Hugo this afternoon but didn't spend a whole lot of time with him. He and Martha had been out on his new boat for the day and he looks less stressed than he has been – I guess because the Brendan stuff has been sorted out now.

He apologised for what happened and it being responsible for Joey leaving me. He says that he feels he might have taken advantage of me. I presume that was Ruby's influence. I told him that regardless of the circumstances, I still had a choice and I chose to go to bed with him, even though it's the single worst thing I've ever done in my life. He joked about trying not to be offended. But he understood.

He said he saw Joey the night that she found out and he apologised and tried to stick up for me but she didn't want to hear it. Apparently, she said something about hoping that he would make me happy. It breaks my heart to think that she might think he and I might get together. I don't want to be with Hugo. I never did. I don't want to be with anyone that isn't Joey. And I know nobody could ever make me happy the way she did, albeit briefly.

Ugh, I feel awful just thinking about all of this again. I just want to make the pain go away. But I know I can't, not until my darling is home. And it shouldn't, really. I don't deserve the pain to go away. Not even when she gets back. I should have to pay for this forever. I just hope Joey will grant me forgiveness and then we can move on. Together.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 3<strong>**rd**** May**

**02:39**

**Home**

Joey, please come back home. I love you. I need you. I can't live without you. I was an idiot to lose you in the first place. Please. Please, come home. Please. I'm begging you. Please.

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Ruby tries to look after Charlie, shark attack theories storm through Summer Bay and Angelo returns…<em>


	50. Chapter 50

**Chapter Fifty**

**Monday 4****th**** May**

**23:02**

**Home**

I was meant to have a day off today but I just could do it. Watson tried to take me aside when I showed up and said she was worried about me but I dismissed her. I just have to keep going. I have to work hard every second that I can stand it because otherwise I know I'm just going to fall apart.

It's been a week since I lost my beautiful Joey and I have missed her for every second. I'm trying so hard to keep everything together but I'm struggling. It's like, I can put my uniform on and I feel like an indestructible cop. I'm feeling a little reckless about things and I know I've been throwing myself into situations too much and too hard. But it's all I can think to do.

Every moment that I'm not working, I'm a mess. I wake up crying, I weep in the shower and I cry myself to sleep at night. At this rate, I think I'm actually going to run out of tears. I feel like my heart has physically been ripped out. I'm so empty except for this terrible, terrible ache and pain inside me. It's too much to bear. I can't live like this. But I don't know what else I'm meant to do.

I miss Joey. I'd give anything to take everything back. I wish there was a way I could make it all up to her. But as each day passes, I'm losing hope that she's ever coming home. I hate myself.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 6<strong>**th**** May**

**21:00**

**Home**

Well, I think it's safe to say that I am not the only person falling apart in this town. My day started pretty early as usual. We've been keeping our eye on this drug dealer for a little while now and tried to bust him earlier but he had nothing on him and there was no case to answer so we had to let him go.

But then poor Aden got involved. Apparently this guy, Russell, has sold drugs to Belle in the past. It's obviously a sensitive issue for Aden and when he saw him dealing later, he decided to bust him himself.

Alf had already spotted him and called us. Just as we arrived, Aden was laying into Russell but both he and the guy that he was selling to, got away which only made the situation worse. Aden was furious and quite aggressive but I tried to handle it politely. I know he's under a lot of stress. He's lost Belle through her drug addiction, which, considering his history with his Dad and what that meant for his life, must cut him deeply. And now he's been caught sleeping with Nicole and lost his house. He's living alone in a little caravan and I honestly feel very sorry for him.

I'd never really spent that much time with him until Joey came along. I feel bonded with him somehow and I want to look out for him as much as I can. Technically, he wrecked his good behaviour bond today but there's no way I'm turning him in.

I talked it through with him a bit and tried to make him understand that he can't wage a single handed war against drugs. Unfortunately, they're likely to always be around messing up people's lives. And Aden can't protect Belle forever. When she leaves rehab, she's going to have to stand up and defend herself. He can't shield her from it all forever. She has to do this on her own at least to a degree.

Anyway, later on the day, clearly undeterred from so many close calls, Russell was at it again and this time we caught him. He's likely to serve a spell in jail and I hope it's going to be for a long while. The more people like that we get off our streets, the better if you ask me.

I was forced to leave work a bit earlier today. I tried to stay for as long as I could but I was literally forced by Watson and Avery to go home. They said I was clearly washed out and I guess they're right. I am pretty exhausted.

Ruby was home when I got in and we had a chat but she tried to talk about Joey and it was too much for me. I busied her by letting her tell me about school.

It sounds like Geoff and Claudia have got a little complicated – something to do with another guy or something – and he's pissing Rubes and Annie off by moping so much about it. She admitted to snapping at him about and telling him to just go for it if he really likes her.

But I couldn't stall her any longer and she confronted me about Joey. She said that I didn't seem to be myself anymore and she was worried about me. She pointed out that she hasn't actually seen me in days and I just broke down. I've been holding it together in public all this time but I lost control tonight. I told her exactly how I feel and cried in her arms for ages. She was really sweet and loving.

I've cried over Joey plenty of times since we broke up but not with people. I've always just worked myself out and handled it by myself. Crying on Ruby helped, even if I do think it's completely inappropriate for her to support me. Whether she knows it or not, I'm her mother and I'm the one who should be taking care of my daughter, not the other way around. But I appreciated it. I think it helped.

She ran me a hot bath, which also helped, although I did sit in the water and cry all over again. I just couldn't stop thinking about when Joey and I had a bath together. That was really nice. It was one of the last proper romantic things we did together before she found out what kind of bitch she was dating and decided to leave me. It made me feel sad. Sad is an understatement of course but I don't have the energy to think of another adjective. I don't think there _is _another adjective to explain quite how I'm feeling. No word seems quite good enough. Just like me, I guess.

After my bath, I went downstairs to get a hot chocolate before bed. Leah had just arrived home from a rather disastrous dinner with Miles, Kirsty and Roman. Apparently Roman is becoming even more of a nightmare and he's really pushing people away. Kirsty finally had enough of his behaviour and called him on it. Leah said he was pretty shaken at being given some of the home truths on offer and it all ended rather badly. I can understand the frustration. By all accounts, he really is a nightmare. But having had that chat with him the other day, I can also understand where he's coming from. I think I will try and go round and see him tomorrow. Maybe we could talk some more. Maybe I could help. I've got to be of some use to someone somewhere someday, right?

I might try and actually get a proper night's sleep tonight. It's not exactly been easy for the past few days and Watson, Avery and Ruby are all absolutely right – I am working too hard. But I honestly can't figure out an alternative way to behave. I miss Joey as if I've lost an arm or a leg or something. So quickly, even before we properly got together, Joey became such a huge part of my life. I feel like I can't do anything without her. My life feels so empty. And I'm not even halfway through her time away. How the hell am I going to survive this?

Joey, I love you. Please come home.

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 7<strong>**th**** May**

**22:49**

**Home**

Well, even if I didn't want to work all the hours God sends, I have no choice, it seems. Today, a hand washed up on the sand. Yep, a hand. Detached from the body. And quite possibly bitten off by a shark. I feel sick just thinking about it. And I'm the mug who has to lead the investigation, although my bosses have said that they are thinking of bringing in Marine Area Command, which ought to help.

It all started this afternoon when Miles took VJ down to the beach to hang out with him for a bit. Until the accident, VJ has been very used to spending time with Roman but obviously, that hasn't really been happening lately. Roman doesn't want to see anyone – no pun intended and he's not exactly in a good mood.

Anyway, Miles and VJ were hanging out when they found this dismembered hand in the sand. My team and I charged down and quite frankly, I'm absolutely exhausted now. We were fielding the press and being crowded by all the locals from the start. We had to treat it as a crime scene and get the hand off to the Medical Examiner immediately. We haven't heard anything back yet but we should do tomorrow.

There is now a theory (which I think is probably correct) being passed round that the hand was bitten off by a shark. I can't even begin to describe the wave of terror that going on. It's like living in the _Jaws _movies!

Miles started it. I told him to keep it quiet. But he must have said something to Leah because that's what she thinks too. Naturally, she is very freaked out and I'm worried about poor VJ more than anyone. He was the one who actually found it. He must have been terrified.

Anyway, the theory has spread like wildfire now and it's very much a 'don't go in the water' kind of thing. We've been fielding calls from the media and the general public, which never helps us get on with our work. But the team worked really well and I feel largely unscathed by it – although Alf and John did lay into me a bit. They're panicked about it affecting this Winter Carnival they're arranging.

It's a day like this when I miss Joey more than ever. She would have made this day easier to handle. She would have supported me, taken care of me and made me laugh. Everything was easier when Joey was around. I just wished I'd damn well remembered that before I screwed Hugo and screwed up my whole damn life!

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 9<strong>**th**** May**

**00:52**

**Home**

Just when I thought my fucking life couldn't get any fucking worse it fucking well has! Ugh, I can't even write about it.

Please come back and save me, Joey. Please! I can't live without you. I need you! Please!

I'm going to call her.

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 9<strong>**th**** May**

**01:01**

**Home**

She didn't pick up of course. But I rang a few times and listened to her voice. I love her so much. Why did I have to realise just what she meant to me when it was already too late? Three months is already feeling like forever. I just want her to come back now. I know it will be hard for her to trust me again but I am absolutely certain that we can make it work. I know we can. If only she'd try...

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 8<strong>**th**** May**

**23:57**

**Home**

The last few days have been crazy. I still can't get my head around them. At least I'm keeping busy, I guess. But it's these moments when I'm alone that I start feeling sad again. Well, sadder than when I'm trying to keep everything together. It's these moments when I miss Joey so much more. I never thought I'd need someone so much. And to be honest, I don't think I realised there would ever be a moment when she was gone. I think I thought she'd be here no matter what I did. I thought she'd put up with anything. Serves me right. Stupid fucking bitch, I am.

Anyway, the big, bad news of the last couple of days is that Constable Angelo Rosetta is back. Yep, the man that killed Jack. He's out of jail and he's back on the police force. He's now working for Marina Area Command and he's been brought in to lead the whole shark attack investigation.

Obviously everyone is sickened and horrified. If he had to go free (which is just wrong if you ask me), then he shouldn't still be on the force! How can anyone justify that? Moving departments isn't exactly a punishment, is it? How can a murderer be working for the police like this? How can he be put in a position where he is serving and protecting a community? And worse than that, how can he be within _our _community where the family and widow of the man he killed still live? It's wrong. It's sick and it's wrong.

My day started by the Medical Examiner confirming that the hand VJ found has indeed been bitten off by a shark. I tried to stall the press for a bit but Miles let the cat out of the bag, insisting that it was for public safety. I honestly don't know what was the right decision about telling people but it has definitely made our job harder. People are (naturally) going crazy over it.

And then Marine Area Command and fucking Angelo came in. I thought I was going to pass out when I saw him. I tried so hard not to freak but all I wanted to do was shove him right back out the door and tell him never to show his face in Summer Bay again. Ugh! Just thinking about him being back makes me so angry. How could this have happened? He should be rotting in jail or... I don't know.

Maybe it wasn't murder. I mean, he didn't mean to kill Jack. But he still left him there. He left him dead and alone and then he played the big hero with Martha when all along the reason she was a widow was because of him. How can he live with himself? How are any of us going to manage to live with him?

The police station is in uproar. Everyone hates him and they've made it extremely clear. Watson has been particularly scathing. And I can't blame any of them. But it's also not helpful to the investigation. I tried to get him transferred but my bosses refused. We're stuck with him. So the only thing I can think to do is get on with him and with it and get this investigation done with as quickly as possible. He's already told me that he's just here for the investigation and he'll be leaving once it's done. So perhaps if we can bring ourselves to work with him, we can get it over with as quickly as possible and then he can fuck off out of here. Fingers crossed, anyway.

He's screwed up already, of course and he's making life even harder for himself that it might otherwise be. He approached Tony, which was possibly the right thing. I don't know. Who knows what's better – finding out by chance that the man who killed your son is back in town and still part of the police service, or being told by him? I don't think there is a better way, to be honest. Obviously Tony freaked. That's natural. And I hear that ever since he told Martha, she's been hiding out in the farm, afraid of running into him.

I found Angelo in the Surf Club and Alf was laying into him. I don't blame him. He's Martha's grandfather. But I felt the need to step in. I don't think it's a good idea to give Angelo attention. He seems a different man to the person I knew once before but certain traits don't go away and he does like attention and stuff – good or bad. But more than that, I don't think it's a good idea to be awful to him. He needs to be allowed to get on with his job and then get the hell out of town.

He thanked me for helping him but I told him in no uncertain terms it was work thing and nothing else. I certainly can't bring myself to feel sorry for him. Just looking at him or even thinking about it makes my stomach turn, especially with the history we have. I feel as sick about sleeping with him as I do about my horrific night with Hugo. Those are two of the biggest mistakes I ever made. I hate that I was with Angelo because of who he turned out to be. And I hate that I spent the night with Hugo because I cost myself one of the two people who are more important to me than anything. Having Angelo back in town just rams home just how awful I am. I have bad taste in men and I finally had good taste in women and I just wrecked it. Every time I think it's impossible to hate myself more, I do. This is a horrible life to live. And it's all my fault.

But anyway, today, Xavier saw Angelo in the Diner and laid into him. He accidentally revealed that Martha was hiding at the farm and dipshit Angelo thought it would be a good idea to go and see her. He apparently apologised, giving some well rehearsed speech of regret but he just terrified her and made a terrible situation a million times worse. But after that, Martha managed to confront him and tell him exactly what she thought of him. She made it crystal clear that she hates him and isn't scared of him or his presence in our town. Good for her.

Anyway, back to the shark attack. It turns out that without knowing what was going on, Hugo went out on a dive. Apparently he was looking for new spots in order to reinvigorate his business. Anyway, Martha and Xavier were fretting about him the moment they realised that he could potentially be in danger. And he arrived back in town today, having indeed been bitten by a shark.

I had to go to the hospital and I saw the wound. It looked pretty nasty but Rachel said it was much cleaner than she'd expect it to be for that kind of attack. It turns out that after it happened, he spent the night collapsed on his boat. He bandaged him up and just about managed to go home but resisted going to the hospital because he didn't want to panic anyone. Colleen of all people found him first so the whole thing has only added fuel to the fire. But it's a bit too late to make things worse, I guess. Oops – those have got to be terribly famous last words! I hope Summer Bay _doesn't _turn into _Jaws! _That would be horrific.

And I haven't dared let myself write it yet but I know I have to. I don't want to put it in words in case it comes true but the fact is, there's a shark out there somewhere and the love of my life is out at sea. The chances are, she's far, far away from here by now. But what if she's not? What if she's in danger? What if there's nothing I can do to save her? What if something happens to her and she never knows just how much I love her? What if she never comes home and I can never prove myself?

Even if she never wants to see me again, I just want her to be safe. I need her to be safe. I'm the fuckwit that sent her out to sea. I'm the one who hurt her so much that she sailed away from me. What if I sent her to her death? Or to some kind of injury? If something happens to Joey, it will all be my fault. And that's a truth that I really will never recover from.

I have genuinely tried calling her and I did leave a voicemail, asking if she is safe and warning her about the shark. I haven't heard anything and I can't stop looking at my phone. But I guess if she's out at sea, she won't have got the message, would she? I wonder, when she does pick it up, if she'll reply? Will she put my mind at rest? Will she even care?

My darling, darling Joey. Where are you? Please be safe, my love.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 10<strong>**th**** May**

**23:43**

**Home**

Every time I think we've had the worst day, things turn more dire. I still haven't heard anything from Joey and I know it's not a surprise but I just miss her so much and I am so, so worried about her.

It would have been our one month anniversary this coming Wednesday. We made so many happy plans for it but now she's gone and we won't have a chance to celebrate. All I can hope is that I will get another chance.

Things have been so crazy here though. I'd say she was safer out at sea if it wasn't for the presence of sharks. I mean, I know it's not a shock to know they're out there. Where the hell else would they live? But I guess I've never really thought about them before. The thought of Joey getting hurt though... more than I've already hurt her, destroys my soul.

But anyway, poor VJ has been a total mess. He was so shaken by the whole hand in a sand thing and today, Leah took him to a counsellor at the hospital. She managed to get him an emergency appointment but VJ didn't want to talk.

On Miles' suggestion, she took him over to see Roman and after some initial reluctance, Roman was happy to help. And Leah says that VJ was a lot happier by the end of it so she thinks he's made some progress. Obviously having been a soldier, Roman knows about terrifying situations and VJ has always got along with him really well. I haven't seen him yet because he was in bed by the time I got home but I'm glad he's making progress. Poor little guy.

Angelo is still in town, working on the case. I don't think he's a murderer, even though I know I've said that a lot of times in here. Mostly, that was fury talking. I'm feeling protective of Martha more than anything. She's been through so damn much and she's just getting her life back together. I know she's still judging me for what happened with Hugo but I can hardly blame her for that. I'm judging me. I hate me. Joey hates me. And I'm never going to forgive myself, even if I were to be lucky enough to win her back.

As usual, I'm getting distracted with my longing for Joey. I believe I was talking about Angelo. I'm trying to be all business about everything because if stop focussing on the day and the practicalities then I will fall apart the same as I do every night. I can already feel the tears brimming because the more I try to stop thinking about her, the more I'm thinking about her. Geez, why can't I just stop crying for a second?

For fuck's sake, Charlie! Stop it!

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Charlie pines for Joey on what would have been their one month anniversary, Irene is accused of murdering Lou and injuring a police officer and there are two new arrivals in Summer Bay…<em>


	51. Chapter 51

**Chapter Fifty One**

**Monday 11****th**** May**

**01:12**

**Home**

Okay, I had a mini breakdown and now I'm back.

Where was I?

Angelo. I was talking about Angelo. I don't think he's a murderer but I still can't forgive him for what he did afterwards and how he handled everything. To be honest, I think that's the biggest problem people around here have with him. He left Jack. If Tony hadn't found him, who knows how long his body would have lain there? And he was Martha's confidante and friend. She trusted him and let him take care of her. And all along, he'd killed her husband.

Then he escaped justice and worse than that, he's still on the police force. I'm sorry but even if he was granted permission to stay on the force, I think he should have left voluntarily. I think he's selfish for doing that and terrible for agreeing to come back to Summer Bay. It's disgusting. And he's seriously not doing himself any favours with the way he's handling himself here. He was an absolutely bulldozer today and just made a terrible situation worse.

Plus, he's daring to go and have coffee in the Diner and things like that. I mean... I don't know. Who's to say that he should hide away at home when he's off duty? I guess that's not really fair. But then, who is the person we should feel sorrier for? Martha – having to see him anywhere she goes, or Angelo – living with the guilt of what he did? I guess I'm not one to judge. How can I? Sometimes, after what I did to my beautiful Joey, I don't think I'm actually any better than that bastard is.

The shark attack case is still raging, although it's kind of weird that we're still dealing with it. You can't exactly arrest a shark, can you? But hey, I have to follow my orders. Hugo was on the front of the paper this morning. I automatically thought of Joey though. If she's on land somewhere, would she have seen the paper? I guess it would depend on how close she is to the Bay. But if she saw it, would she just hate me more? How awful would it be to have that kind of reminder right there on the front of the paper of the man I broke her heart with? Ugh! I have to stop talking about her! But I can't. I miss her so much. I can't believe what I've lost.

* * *

><p><strong>Monday 11<strong>**th**** May**

**01:50**

**Home**

Mini breakdown number two of the night. Possible number twenty three thousand since I lost Joey though and I know there's plenty more to come.

Anyway, the town is still in uproar. Hugo's still in hospital, the story is front page, I don't think I've ever seen Alf so pissed off before, people are cancelling their trips to the Bay left, right and centre, the Winter Carnival is in crisis and the local council are considering shutting the beaches. The whole thing is a nightmare. Throw Angelo into the mix and take away Joey from my life and Summer Bay is currently resembling hell as far as I'm concerned.

And the next big news is that Angelo and his team were called out to a distressed boat. It took them a while (with Alf's reluctant help) to find it. The worst news is that it was Lou DeBono's boat. When the cops arrived, they got shot at and one of the officers is now critical in hospital. Angelo got on board and found Irene drunk and distressed. Lou was nowhere to be seen. They took her and the officer to the hospital and I ended up spending most of tonight there.

As soon as I was told, I called Belle who came out of rehab last night. I met her, Geoff, Annie and Kirsty at the hospital. Angelo was there and he was just being an arsehole. Rachel was treating Irene who was mumbling a load of stuff but not making a lot of sense. She was inebriated, absolutely delirious with despair, dehydrated and didn't look like she had eaten or washed for quite some time. I still have no idea what happened but she was the one who shot the officer and she was clutching the gun and very frightened when Angelo found her. Lou is nowhere to be found.

Rachel's priority, quite rightly, was Irene's health and when she was well enough, she let her family in to see her. But Angelo just wouldn't leave it alone. He kept demanding to go in and interview her, going on about following protocol because Irene had shot someone. He kept making a big deal out of it being a policeman. I don't know if that's because he's trying to learn from his mistakes or because he's that fucking stupid that he doesn't realise the irony. I told him off for being too full on and pretty much frogmarched him from the hospital. Irene is hardly going to be going anywhere any time soon. I don't think she's a flight risk!

I convinced him to go and we left Irene with her family and under Rachel's watchful gaze. I finished up my paperwork at the station and I got home at around eleven. It's getting pretty late now and I'm sure I have another longer and tiring day at work tomorrow. I am fairly convinced that it's all downhill from here and things are only going to get worse. I just hope this horrific downward spiral isn't telling me that Joey won't come back.

Please, sweetheart. Please know that I love you and that I need you to come home. Please hear my silent cries. And please pick up your messages and let me at least know that you are safe.

* * *

><p><strong>Monday 11<strong>**th**** May**

**19:36**

**The Surf Club**

It's been another long day. I haven't quite been able to bring myself to go home yet. It feels like the only thing there is emptiness. I walk through the door, I make conversation with Ruby and Leah and then I lock myself in our... my room and all I can do is miss her. I can't take it. And today of all days, I can't. Something Irene said just made me what to die today. I can hear her words and the heartbroken way she said them and I feel them so deeply. I feel them too deeply.

Alf, Belle, Kirsty, Geoff and Annie brought her in for questioning first thing. She was more coherent than yesterday and looked a little better, although not much. She asked Alf to sit in on the interview with her and I attended as well but let Angelo lead. It's his case so I can't really pull rank on him. Goodness knows I would if I could. He's been such a shit about all of this. And I think it's mighty ironic, the way he keeps going on about rules and regulations, doing his job and obeying the law. What the hell did he think he was doing when he shot Jack and left him dead and alone? Where was the law, the rules and the regulations then? He cared enough to break them to save his own arse but when it comes to taking care of a woman who has so clearly done nothing wrong, he doesn't care.

The interview was fairly brutal. Angelo asked all the usual questions like what the trip was like. She said they were really happy and having a good time. Then when she received Belle's letter about being in rehab, they decided to get home immediately. Lou sailed through the night and took the shortest route with no stopping. I guess he must have known how important Irene's family are to her and he wanted to reunite them in their time of need.

Anyway, she'd been having trouble sleeping so one night, she took a couple of sleeping pills and fell asleep below deck with a DVD and headphones on. She woke up in the middle of the night because she thought she'd heard a noise but still a little groggy, she dismissed it and went back to sleep.

When she woke up in the morning, she went up and found that Lou was nowhere to be seen. At first she thought he might have taken the dinghy out to go fishing but it was still there. There were no signs of a struggle or an accident. She tried to get the radio working but couldn't and she couldn't fine a flare gun to set off to show that she was a boat in distress. She also couldn't work the engine so she just ended up drifting.

She understandably got upset while she was telling the story. It was breaking me apart inside, to be honest and all I wanted to do was forget all about professionalism and comfort her. Fortunately, Alf was there. Angelo was compassionate for about a nanosecond and offered her a glass of water. When she declined, he was back to business. He was like a robot. The man I was once attracted to, the man who made me laugh and brightened up my day, died when Jack did. Angelo is not the same person anymore. He's gone. I just hope he'll go for good as soon as he's done whatever it is that he came here to do.

He questioned her about her first night alone. She said she stayed up on deck all night, terrified and waiting for help to come or for Lou to return but there was nothing for days. The more time she spent lost and alone, the more she starting thinking about the last night and the noise she'd heard. And the more she thought about it, the more she started to wonder if it had been a gunshot. I just wish she'd said this the first time round. Angelo leapt on her immediately, as if she had changed her story. She hadn't. She was just telling it chronologically. At the time, she'd believed it was the DVD and then later, she thought it was a gunshot. It makes sense to me but apparently not to Angelo.

Irene found the gun that Lou had brought for protection and that's what she shot the officer (who came through his operation and looks set to live, thank goodness) with. Angelo wanted to know why Lou had a gun in the first place and apparently he had told Irene that it was because they were sailing out of Australian waters and therefore it could be dangerous. Apparently he had never had to use it but it made him feel safe.

Then we got onto the inevitable conversation about the inebriated state she was found in. Angelo asked when she started drinking. It was after Lou when missing, when she realised that he wasn't coming back, but before the police found her. I felt so sorry for the poor woman. She was so ashamed of herself for getting drunk. But it's understandable. Perhaps it wasn't the most helpful thing she could have done but I get it. She was lost out at sea, she was scared and she didn't know whether the love of her life was even still alive. She was frightened and vulnerable. And she's a former alcoholic. Of course she would turn to that during the most stressful moment of her life. I'm sure most people would turn to their vice, if that's the right word, to try and get through the day.

She said she fired the gun at the police because she thought she was under attack and she swears she only meant to scare them off. She never meant to hurt anyone. Angelo might not believe that but I do. I know Irene. She's served me in the Diner nearly every day for almost a year. She's a kind, loving woman who has spent the last however long, trying to make up for past mistakes. She's taken in waifs and strays and she looks after and loves people. She's a good woman and she would never have hurt anyone on purpose.

Angelo ignored all her tearful apologies and was all business. I hope to God that I was never quite that awful to anyone when I was doing preliminary interviews with them. I hate that I probably was. Anyway, he started trying to poke holes in her story. He pointed out that when they checked, the radio was only disconnected, it wasn't broken. She argued that she doesn't know the first thing about radios and sailing. She left all of that to Lou.

All the boat talk made me think about Joey of course. We'd mused about taking a holiday of our own one day. Joey always hoped that she'd have her own boat and she'd take me out sailing on it. We'd get to see the world and we'd have such a lovely time. We'd do all the lovely things that Irene and Lou had planned on. And I'm telling you now that in Irene's current position, I wouldn't have faired much better. I know fuck all about sailing. I would have totally relied on Joey. Of course I would. I mean, I like to think I would have figured out the radio but under that much stress, how can I say what I would do or how I would cope? I honestly have no idea.

Anyway, Angelo latched onto his gunshot argument, asking why Irene hadn't got up and investigated at the time. She reiterated that she thought it was the movie. Again, to me it makes sense but apparently not to Angelo. I mean, she had headphones on, she'd taken sleeping medication and she'd only just woken up. I can barely remember my name when I just wake up – let alone throwing drugs and stuff into the mix. And if she assumed it was the movie, why would she bother? Who knows if she had any concept of time either. She might have only thought she had been asleep five minutes.

Angelo asked if Irene was already drinking at that point but she denied it and again, I believe her. She got pretty upset at that point and said that we should be out there looking for Lou, not poking holes in the truth she was offering us. She completely broke down and talking about Lou as the man she loves, the man she thought she would spend the rest of her life with. She asked if Angelo knew what it's like "to have every happiness you could ever want and then to have it ripped out from under you." Angelo said he did. Maybe he does but it's not the same, is it? It was taken away from him because of something he did. This is just something that happened to Irene. She's an innocent victim.

But it was those words that got to me. It was those words that broke me. Because Joey is the woman that I love. She is the woman that for a while there, I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. And I do know what it's like to have every happiness I could ever want and then have it ripped out from under me. But just like Angelo, it's my fault. If I hadn't messed up the way I did, I'd still have my darling Joey. I'd still have that happiness. I'd still be looking forward to a beautiful, happy life.

Instead, I hate every morning when I wake up and I realise that I have to face another day. Every night when I close my eyes and go to sleep, I hope I won't wake up. I hope I'll slip away and cease to exist. I hope the pain in my heart will leave me in peace. I know I deserve the punishment of losing Joey. I know I do. I hurt her so badly. She was so vulnerable anyway but I still broke her heart over and over again until it was finally too much for her. So I know I should have to continue dragging myself through this life but it doesn't mean I find it easy to take. It doesn't mean I can bear it.

Angelo allowed her to take an hour's break then. He left and I followed, amid Alf making comments about him. Angelo and I got into a bit of a row because I firmly believe in Irene's innocence and think Angelo is being too hard on her. I brought Irene and Alf both a cup of tea and busied myself with work, including trying to placate Irene's worried family, until Angelo was ready to go back in.

He'd obviously been a busy boy and researched her background. He challenged her immediately with being a violent drunk and brought up the turbulent history she had with her kids who ended up in care. Alf is furious and so was I, although I couldn't express it. She's been as placid as a lamb for years and she'd only drink again, knowing what she's capable of, if something really pushed her towards it. You know, like the love of her life disappearing and her being lost out at sea. But Angelo concocted this dumb story about her having such a nice time with Lou that she indulged in a little tipple and then things getting out of control. Alf immediately began laying into Angelo and it was up to me to calm him down. I agreed with what he was saying but getting himself into trouble wasn't going to help anyone.

Angelo asked about her reaction to the apparent gunshot again and she still couldn't be clear about what happened and what she did or didn't hear. He wondered why, if Lou had the gun, he didn't use it to defend himself if he was under attack. Then he suggested that it was because he never expected to have to defend himself against her. And then, to make matters worse he told her that he would be holding her in custody pending formal charges. I still can't believe he did it.

We had to take her out and everyone was waiting to find out what was going on. It was a horrific moment when we explained. Belle flipped and accused Angelo of enjoying ruining people's lives. She called him a killer amongst other things and when he argued with her, she slapped him.

Everything happened a bit quickly after that. Angelo started laying into Belle, a couple of other officers stepped in to keep her away from him and there was a lot of shouting and upset. My concern was Irene who was literally falling apart at the seams. I just held onto her and tried my best to soothe her and keep her calm.

Anyway, Angelo took both Irene and Belle to the cells, which was such a shitty thing to do. I still don't think that it's justified to call Irene a suspect. She's a person of interest sure. And she could well be one of the last people to see Lou before he disappeared. But she's not a killer. And she's not going anywhere. There is absolutely no need to keep her behind bars overnight, which is what has happened. But Angelo wasn't listening to me or to anyone. Once he'd stormed away, I apologised to Irene and Belle and said I'd try to sort things out. As I walked away, I heard Irene apologising very sincerely to Belle. It made me feel so sad.

I couldn't eat or even comprehend doing anything relaxing on my lunch break so I headed to the gym and did a pretty heavy workout. I hate having any time to really sit and think and it would have been even worse today. Everything feels so hard at the moment. Not only have I lost Joey, but I also have to see Angelo's horrible face every day, take flack from people who don't understand why I have to be nice to him even though I don't want to, and now I have the guilt of not being able to save Irene on my conscience.

Unfortunately, my workout didn't go to plan as I ended up getting into a bit of a spat with Tony. I feel guilty about it now but I was just trying to explain myself and he was so difficult to get through to. He's hurting so much over Jack and Angelo being back in town is only opening a healing wound. He demanded to know how I can work with Angelo now after what happened and I tried to make it clear that I don't have a choice. He was very critical of me and although I understand where he's coming from, it didn't stop me from feeling hurt and offended. I told him that I hate working with Angelo but I have to follow orders.

I stormed out feeling pretty upset and ran straight into Rachel. It was quite nice to talk to her, actually. She was much more understanding than Tony was and I asked her to apologise to him on my behalf. From what she said, I get the feeling he is being snappy with everyone though – including her. I guess I am just another person to blame. And the truth is that I do hate working with Angelo. I can't forgive him for what he did, even if it was an accident. He still left Jack all alone and he still befriended Martha before she knew what he'd done. But I have to get on with my job and holding onto that anger isn't going to help me. Every time I defend him, I feel pretty sick about it. But I'm doing it for the sake of this town – including Tony – not for the sake of Angelo. The sooner he can solve this case, the sooner he can fuck off and out of our lives for good. Then we can all move on and be happy again.

Well, I'm not going to be happy. But I'll be a little less stressed if I don't have to work with him every day. The only thing that will make me truly happy is if Joey comes home and wants to be with me. She's been gone for thirteen days now, not that I'm counting. Oh, who am I kidding? Of course I'm counting. She'll be back in seventy eight days. Never have numbers been so unbearable to me.

Anyway, when I got back to work, I received a phone call to say that the injured officer had pulled through his operation so at least Irene is no longer looking at a murder or manslaughter charge for him. I went straight through to tell her and Belle and I assured them that I would definitely be pushing for bail. Irene begged me to let Belle out so I decided I had to take action. She was coming up to the four hour cap and I am the person in charge of the station so I made the decision to go over Angelo's head and let her go.

We were just signing the papers when Angelo arrived back from his lunch break and he laid into me about what happened. I gave it right back to him and I will keep giving it back as long as necessary. And it's not about Jack. It's about responding to his current behaviour instead of his past actions. I'm trying to be really clear on that. I have to set my boundaries and stick to them.

He approached me later and we talked about the hand in the sand (which just isn't quite as fun and whimsical as it sounds) but there isn't any new evidence yet. We're still waiting for tests results and such to come back. He wanted to discuss the Belle thing but I didn't want to. I didn't see that there was anything left to talk about and quite frankly, I want to spend as little time with the guy as possible.

I don't like him and I'm ashamed that I ever did. No, that's not fair. Before Jack died, he _was _a good guy. If I'm being clear over boundaries I have to remind myself that the pre-Jack memories I have are real. He wasn't faking and I honestly don't think he's evil. It was a mistake. But that doesn't mean I like him. It doesn't mean I forgive him, even if I wanted to. And it doesn't mean he should be back here or on the force at all. I want to spend as little time with him as possible and I want him to move on and out of our lives for good. But it's not hate. I don't hate him and I can't. Regardless of what happened. I just hope that Joey doesn't hate me for the mistakes that I've made.

I finished my shift a little while ago and, like I said at the beginning of this entry, I couldn't face going home. So, I'm drinking a few beers at the Surf Club and trying to unwind, although clearly I'm not doing _such _a great job of forgetting my woes. Still, it's done me some good to get everything off my chest.

And tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow, there will only be seventy seven days until my beautiful Joey gets home. With that in mind, every painful day that passes, I get closer to what I want, what I need. I get closer to my darling Joey. That's got to be a good thing, right? That's got to be something worth holding onto.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 11<strong>**th**** May**

**22:33**

**Home**

I hung out at the Surf Club by myself for a bit longer after I finished writing. I had another beer and played some pool. Well, obviously it wasn't a game as such but it was just something to do.

Tony showed up and we both apologised to each other. I think Rachel sent him and I hope it helped. We had a proper chat about things and I feel better so I hope he does too. I explained that I feel like I'm betraying Jack by working with Angelo but that putting my anger aside is the only productive thing I can think to do. He confessed that he doesn't know how but he has to find another way of coping. I told him that I haven't forgiven Angelo for what he did and I doubt I ever will but I can't do my job and serve my community while I'm balling him out for killing Jack. I said I can only react to his behaviour in the here and now.

I don't think Jack would want Tony to let his anger to consume him and I told him so. I wasn't sure how it would go down but he accepted that and seemed to agree. I added that nobody can change what happened in the past but we can change how we deal with it. So, I hope that he might be able to let go of a little bit of his pain now. I hope he can be there for Rachel and the baby and focus on his future instead of his past. And I hope, not necessarily in terms of Angelo but definitely in terms of my own sorrow, that I can do the same.

Ruby was watching TV when I got in tonight and we chatted a little. News of Irene being held in custody has got round and everyone's hate towards Angelo is only increasing. Apparently Colleen has been crowing all day about not wanting to serve him in the Diner and everything.

It's been a while since I've chatted properly with Rubes. I've been leaving too early and getting back too late. And I've been too consumed in everything but I hope she understands. She updated me on a few things.

Hugo is still in hospital and Xavier is beside himself. He's feeling a lot of guilt because he and Hugo haven't been getting on since they moved here and then just as they decide to make up, Hugo nearly dies. I feel sorry for him. It's a heavy and unnecessary burden to bear.

In other Ruby related news, Geoff and Claudia have decided to make a go of things. Rubes is pretty glad about it because she said Geoff moping about was driving her nuts. She is less thrilled about the fact that it looks like Nicole and Trey might be making a go of things. Jai is horrified and Ruby doesn't like it. And apparently Roman is less than thrilled. I'm not surprised. I don't even know the kid and I don't like him. He caused so much trouble for Kirsty and Miles and he was very cruel towards Jai for a long time, although Ruby is confidant that that's all settled down for good now.

Anyway, I'm pretty exhausted from the day and I don't think things will be that much easier tomorrow. Irene may or may not get bail so depending on that, I guess it will be a better or a worse day. I just hope it's better. I hope that after everything she's been through, she can at least be granted the kindness of being allowed to return to her family.

And for me personally, it might be the day that I hear something from Joey to let me know she's okay. And if not, well it'll be another day that brings me closer to her again. If she comes home.

Please come home, my darling. I love you. Goodnight.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 12<strong>**th**** May**

**20:40**

**Home**

Seventy seven days left to go.

Poor Irene is still being kept at the station while Angelo tries to figure out what happened. And even though the police officer she shot is recovering, the powers that be are still trying to figure out what to do about it. And I don't know if it's Angelo's fault or not but they're now talking about whether she killed Lou. Obviously no body has shown up yet but we think it's likely that he's dead. And I feel so sorry for poor Irene. She's lost the man she loves and rather than being allowed to take time to grieve, she's potentially being charged with his murder.

I got a phone call from Morag half an hour ago. Dad is deteriorating and she sounded pretty stressed. I feel bad because I haven't really been there for him. I haven't visited and I haven't called as much as I should. And I knew he was in a pretty bad way because Joey and I had to cancel our plans to go up and see them and tell them about our relationship. Not that we have one anymore. I mean, I don't even know if I'm single or attached. Well, I'm definitely attached but is Joey attached to me? Does she care about me anymore? Will she ever come home again? Will I ever stop chasing these questions round and round in my tired little brain?

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 13<strong>**th**** May**

**16:01**

**The Blaxland**

Happy Anniversary, Joey. If I hadn't cheated on you and lied to you and broken your heart, thus making you leave me, we would have been celebrating our one month anniversary. I knew I was going to feel sad today but nothing prepared me for quite how awful I feel. I cried as soon as I woke up and I spent a lot of time gazing at her photo and hugging the shirt she left in the wardrobe.

I headed out after my shower and found Alf down at the Surf Club. I asked if I could hire his boat for the afternoon and he awkwardly pointed out that I don't have a licence. I told him that I wouldn't take it out but that I just wanted to spend some time on it. He was confused for a moment but then he seemed to twig that it was Joey related and so handed over the keys and left me to it.

And so I've spent the day just hanging out here, listening to music that reminds me of her. I'm wearing the earrings she bought me and I've brought her photo and the shirt. And quite frankly, I've just wept all day by myself, missing her even more profoundly than usual. And I think anyone who dared read this diary would realise that that's quite the statement.

I tried calling her a few times but as usual, her phone was off. I didn't leave a message. What on earth would I say? Happy Anniversary or something dumb like that? I don't think so. But I liked hearing her voice and that oh so familiar message. I must play it at least once a night these days. Pretty tragic, hey? I wonder if she misses me as much, or even if she misses me at all. Maybe the three months thing was just her way of politely getting away from me. Maybe she was glad to escape after what I did. Maybe there isn't a chance for us. I don't know. I just wish I had an idea of how she's feeling and what she's thinking. I wish she knew how much I love her and how much I miss her and need her to come back to me. This silence is just awful.

Seventy six days left to wait.

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 14<strong>**th**** May**

**22:31**

**Home**

I was back at work today and it was horrible. Angelo arrived back from examining Lou's boat with the crime scene team. They've found traces of Lou's blood on board and the only fingerprints that they've been able to find belong to him and to Irene. There's no evidence that anyone else has been on board apart from the marine area command team that have been trawling the deck since they brought it in. And worse than that, he also returned with news that Irene was to be charged with unlawfully shooting a police officer and is being held in custody until her bail hearing tomorrow. Angelo was pretty neutral about it so it was hard to read his expression. The old Angelo would have been horrified that this was happening to Irene but he's not the old Angelo. He's just... I don't know who he is.

Belle arrived as we were finishing the paperwork and leading her out to the car. She was pretty upset. Alf came and found me later, begging me to do something but my hands are tied and in fairness, so are Angelo's. I don't know if he _wants _to do anything to help but I do know that he can't. He doesn't have a choice in this. There are rules that have to be followed – even if he was an arsehole about it the other day. Alf was thinking of asking Morag to act as Irene's lawyer but I had to let him know that it wasn't a good time for her and Dad right now.

I headed out to the Diner on my lunch break and found Ruby and Xavier snuggling in the corner. I honestly don't know if I am pleased for her or horrified. I'm happy that she's in love and everything but I'm concerned about things getting too serious too soon. She's only fifteen and yet she and Xavier are in such a secure relationship. What if they're considering sex or something? How awful would that be? I don't want my little girl to grow up too quickly and I know I can never truly explain to her why not.

I ran into Martha and we chatted about Alf and Angelo and everything. She is adamant that this is her town and she is not going to let Angelo intimidate her. I don't think that's what he wants to do exactly but his mere presence scares her. And why wouldn't it? He's capable of killing someone, even by accident. I mean, I guess we all are. But he actually did it. And he did it to Martha's husband.

After lunch, I headed out on patrol and ended up flagging down a cocksure motorcyclist. He literally, pulled up beside me on the wrong side of the road, peered into my window and then sped off. I put the lights and siren on and he said something dumb about just wanting to get my attention because I'm 'smoking hot' apparently. He made my skin crawl. On a normal day, he would make my skin crawl anyway but it was worse today because I realised that there is only one person in the world that I want to find me attractive. And she's gone. This small, insignificant interaction with this vile guy just rammed home to me for the millionth time that I've lost the love of my life. And honestly, I really don't need these constant reminders. I'm painfully aware that she's gone for every second of the day. I don't need life making it worse.

I gave him a ticket and sent him on his way. He said he was heading for Summer Bay and had some things he needed to sort out here. I dread to think what they are. And I hope that they have nothing to do with me or my family. Well, I say that but he's already scared the shit out of poor Ruby. She and Nicole spent the day at the beach and they found him in Roman's house, apparently alone when they got back. They screamed their heads off.

Roman came down, threatening the stranger he couldn't see until he realised that this guy 'Gardy', is an old friend of his from the army. They fought together out in Afghanistan and it sounds like he's come to town to try and help Roman recover from his loss of sight. I suppose it's good if Roman has accepted that his symptoms are psychosomatic but honestly, I'm not entirely convinced that this is the man to help. He seems like a jerk to me. But then I guess I'm not one to judge. I'm a cheating bitch after all.

Speaking of, I hear Hugo's got himself into a mess. Rumours are flying around Summer Bay about him apparently lying about the shark attack. It's weird really. This morning, all I was hearing was people saying how awesome he was for surviving such a thing. And then this afternoon, Colleen was talking about how people had started to wonder if his story was true at all.

After work this evening, I went for a beer at the Surf Club to try and chill a bit and sure enough, John Palmer came in and continued to spread the gossip. Miles, Alf and I all stood up for him. I pointed out that I'd seen the wound myself. I decided not to mention that Rachel had been surprised at first that he was claiming a shark bite. I don't even know if John believes what he's saying. I think he's trying to save tourism and that winter festival thingamy that he's running. But regardless of his motives, it's not a nice thing to do. And I don't think he's right. I mean, why would Hugo lie about something like that? And besides, he didn't even know about the hand in the sand because he went off on his dive before the rumours had got round about it. He had no motive to lie and it seems a little coincidental that a shark attack was the 'story' he concocted. So, yes, I believe him and I object to an arse like John Palmer trying to discredit him. It's just unkind as far as I'm concerned.

Still, it's nice that Hugo has the support of his brother. They haven't exactly got along that well since they first arrived here but they seem to be doing well now. Apparently Xavier has done some research into shark diving and proposed the idea to Hugo. From what Ruby said, I gather that you go down into the water in a cage and see the sharks or something. I suppose it's Xavier's way of trying to turn a bad situation into a good one. If Hugo had to suffer like that then he could at least turn his experience into some cash. I'm not sure how good an idea it is and personally, I would not be doing such a thing, even if I was interested in diving but hey, each to their own. I think Joey would love to do something like that. Not with Hugo, obviously. And right now, she'd probably be more likely to feed me to a shark than want to look for them as part of a leisure activity but maybe I can change that. Only seventy five days left to go until I get the chance to prove my worth. God, I hope I turn out to be worth something.

I had a nice chat with Rubes when she got in tonight. She spent the day with Nicole on the beach, like I already mentioned. Then there was the incident with Gardy and then they went out again. She said there was a bit of an incident in the afternoon when Xavier and Trey rubbed each other up the wrong way and Nicole had to convince Trey to leave with her while Ruby calmed Xavier down.

Apparently it's definitely on with Nicole and Trey – or at least, it was. Ruby went round to see Nicole tonight to make sure that even if their boyfriends didn't like each other, she and Nicole would still be friends. Trey appeared without his shirt on (I'm not even going to ask, it is not my business), and Ruby teased him about his body, he pretty much walked out on them and was acting very strangely. I pointed out that he might well be sensitive about his appearance but she said that it was obviously she was joking and added that he definitely doesn't have anything to be ashamed of. She even told him so but he left anyway.

I'm still not convinced that he's a good guy, especially knowing his Dad and I worry for Nicole. But like I keep saying to myself, it's not my place to judge or interfere. I have enough to worry about without voluntarily adding anything else on.

Oh, Joey, I miss you so much. Where are you? Please get in touch.

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 15<strong>**th**** May**

**18:02**

**Home**

I'm glad to get home today, although as usual, when I walked through the door, I was hit with sorrow and emptiness. I remember Ruby saying to me, when Joey moved out before that she missed her around the place and that she brought a special kind of energy to the house. It's so true. She did. And she would have continued to do it if I hadn't messed everything up. I miss her more than I can bear.

But I guess at least I have some good things. I have my freedom anyway. That's more than poor Irene has got. Her bail application has been denied. She ended up in hospital and didn't make it to court but the hearing went ahead without her. She collapsed on the way due to physical and mental exhaustion, according to the Doctor. I took her to the hospital and hung around until Alf, Belle, Kirsty and Annie got there. Her lawyer came to say that bail had been denied due to Irene's history of violence. But it's not fair. That's exactly what it is – _history_. She's not violent now. The police officer being in intensive care was just an accident. She was scared for her life. And who wouldn't have been?

Just to make matters worse, Lou's estranged wife showed up. Her name is Donna and I gather that she has been causing Lou a lot of trouble ever since he started trying to divorce her. But with her came new evidence.

A month before Lou disappeared, he changed his will. Irene stands to inherit millions if he were to die. She swears that she knew nothing about it, although she did say that he had been planning a special dinner for her and said he had news. But unfortunately, nobody can prove whether she knew or not. That's not the kind of thing you can gather evidence for. And the prosecution have seen it as a good enough motive to murder. So not only has Irene got to deal with what happened to the cop, she is now being suspected of bumping Lou off as well. I can't even describe how sad I feel for her.

I spoke to Morag in order to ask after Dad. He's doing a little better and I am going to head into the city to see him tomorrow with Ruby. While I'm there, I hope I can pick their brains about Irene and if there's anything I can do for her that I haven't yet thought of.

There has been a little bit of news about the hand in the sand. It's not a lot but in a way, at least it's something. Apparently the hand belongs to an Asian man in his twenties. Okay, that really isn't a lot. Washed up from a wide open sea, it could honestly belong to anyone. And who knows if we will ever find the rest of him? Who knows if we'll ever get to the bottom of this case? I just hope we do and then Angelo can leave again. At least he's trying to do the decent thing, I guess. He's keeping his head down and he wasn't quite so abrupt with people – i.e. Irene.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 17<strong>**th**** May**

**20:11**

**Home**

Ruby and I went to see Dad and Morag yesterday. We stayed the night and had a pretty nice time although Dad was clearly struggling, which always means that Ruby struggles. I struggle too and I know Morag does but I guess we're both better at hiding it.

We discussed Irene's case but there appears to be little I can do barring finding evidence that might vindicate her. I guess I'll have to keep trying.

Dad took me aside and asked if I was okay. He said I seemed down, like I had last time I went to see him and commented that for a few weeks in between, I'd been like a different person. I dismissed it. I knew I couldn't talk about Joey without breaking down and he just doesn't need that. When he's stronger, I'll tell him about her. And hopefully, when she comes home, I can be happy again and make proper introductions like I planned to.

We came back this afternoon and I managed to hang around the house by myself for about twenty minutes before I couldn't bear it anymore and shot off. I just couldn't settle. It's too hard to be by myself like this, knowing how amazing these days of my life could have been.

The rest of the town seems pretty down at the moment. I saw Hugo down at the docks, moping on his boat. I didn't go anywhere near him thought. The only reason I was down there was so that I could sit during my lunch break and think about Joey in a place that I feel close to her. The sea and boats and stuff never really meant that much to me until I met her.

I also ran into Aden. He's pretty stressed about Belle. The rumours about her and that Liam guy are still rife and he says he seems to have a complete inability to communicate with her now. I guess it must be an especially stressful time for her though. She's broken up with Aden but they clearly still have feelings for each other, she's just got out of rehab, her mother (for want of a better word) is in jail and she got temporarily thrown in there for slapping the bastard she used to go out with who killed one of the most beloved members of our community. I'm surprised nobody's head has exploded yet. And I told Aden so. I encouraged him to talk to Belle and admitted that if only I had handled things better with Joey, I might not have lost her.

Ruby came home full of concern about Nicole. Roman has (or had) moved this Gardy guy in and Nicole can't bear him. She says that he makes her really uncomfortable. There was some kind of brawl in the Surf Club the other night. It started when John began laying into Hugo about the shark attack. Gardy turned it physical and the next thing everyone knew, all the boys were fighting each other – including John, Hugo, Gardy, Roman and also poor Miles.

But anyway, Roman has apparently been adamant that he's staying. Until today. Nicole still has no idea what happened but they argued and Roman was in a real state. He threw Gardy out and Nicole is just hoping that it's for good. Ruby admitted that she thought he was a creep too and I can't help but agree. He really made my skin crawl that day when he was speeding on the bike. And I definitely don't want my Ruby, or Nicole, having to put up with him.

So, other than reporting on other people's misery, I have nothing to say. I feel so flat and so lost. I can't keep describing how much I miss Joey. Seventy two days.

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Roman gets his sight back while Gardy leads him astray, Angelo battles with Hugo but Charlie's anger with her colleague begins to thaw…<em>


	52. Chapter 52

_This chapter is for Jensy25. Love, IJKS xxx_

**Chapter Fifty Two**

**Monday 18****th**** May**

**22:18**

**Home**

It's been another pretty long day at work. I'm half exhausted and half grateful for the distraction. When it's just me, fending for myself, I just get bogged down with thoughts of Joey and it's all too much for me. I'm getting so tired of missing her and so tired of always feeling so sad. I know I should be punishing myself for what I did to her. And I do. I am. I love her so much and I hate myself for hurting her the way I did. But I wish that I could have just one day's break. I wish I could wake up for one morning and not get stabbed with this sorrow straight away. And I wish I could genuinely get on with things and not miss her as badly as I do. But more than anything, I wish there were not seventy days left of this hell. I wish I could flash forward and be with my girl again.

Belle started back at the Diner today, although from what I gather, she is struggling to get back into the swing of things. There were a few complaints from some of my colleagues who tried to get lunch there today. Subsequently, I didn't bother.

I headed home for lunch instead and made myself a salad. I will ignore the fact that I broke down over my salad bowl thingy that Joey had once been so thoughtful about. Will there ever be a day when every single thing doesn't remind me of her? And is it wrong that I want that? No. I don't want it. But I do need it if I am going to survive without her while she's off at sea clearing her head. I just hope she doesn't clear it of me forever.

She still hasn't contacted me at all. I'm still worried about her, although the longer the time that passes, the safer I feel that she would have missed all this shark business. We should get some test results back on that tomorrow. Well, I hope so anyway. So far, all we know is that the hand in the sand belongs to an Asian man, which doesn't exactly narrow it down! But perhaps we'll know more soon.

We've also got Nicole staying here temporarily. She is crashing in Ruby's room. I don't know what's going on exactly but it's something to do with that Gardy guy. She really doesn't like him and she doesn't feel comfortable in the house. I'm going to give her a little bit of time to talk to Roman about how she is feeling but if she doesn't or can't or whatever, I am going to say something myself. The Roman I know would never put a mate or anyone ahead of his daughter – blind or not. And I gather that he has been pretty hostile and unresponsive to people who have tried to communicate with him, such as Miles and Leah, recently but I'm damned if I'm going to let him get away with not talking to me about Nicole. If things are bad enough that she has to sleep here in order to get away from Gardy, then they're bad enough that Roman has to know what's going on and deal with it.

Apparently, he is spending a lot of time getting drunk and passing out – all under Gardy's influence of course. And on top of that, I overheard her and Ruby talking about Trey giving her a hard time in class. From what I gleaned from eavesdropping a little, Trey used to be very overweight when he was a kid. So when the girls teased him a bit about his body, he clammed up and he's not being very nice. To be honest, it doesn't seem to me that he needs much encouraging to be an arse but if it is self-consciousness then even I feel a little sorry for him.

Ruby said that Annie was off sick from school today and it doesn't look likely that she'll be any better tomorrow. They're all worried about the stress of the situation with Irene and think it is really getting to her and Geoff. I guess they inevitably rely on her so much. And what with Belle and everything, the last few weeks have been pretty hellish for all concerned. I feel sorry for them. And I wish that there was something I could do to help them. But it's out of our hands now really. It's up to the courts and the lawyers to figure everything out – although I have been looking for evidence on the sly, and while I was at it, I caught Angelo at it too. I didn't comment but it makes me think that maybe the man I once knew is still in there somewhere. I hope he is.

And you never know, maybe one day I'll be the woman that Joey needs me to be. I hope I can. I hope I can win her back somehow. If I go to sleep quick, then it'll feel like no time at all that there are only sixty nine days left.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 19<strong>**th**** May**

**18:09**

**Home**

Good news! Roman has got his sight back. Nobody understands why exactly – not even him by all accounts – but whatever the cause and whatever the cure, it's got to be a good thing. And Nicole has decided to go home. Apparently Gardy has left, at least temporarily, which has made her very happy.

As usual, I've been rushed off my feet at work. I thought there would be some news on the hand in the sand but there has been some kind of hold up so we don't know anything more. But hopefully tomorrow.

Sixty nine days.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 20<strong>**th**** May**

**21:00**

**Home**

What a shitty fucking day. I think it's safe to say that the Angelo I knew is gone, gone, gone. Ugh! He makes me sick. Fucking shithead. I wish he'd just fuck off out of fucking town and leave us all in fucking peace. Fuck.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 20<strong>**th**** May**

**22:15**

**Home**

Okay, I am a little more rational now. I had a nice, hot bath and relaxed my cares away. At least to a degree anyway. I still think Angelo is an arsehole though.

It all started nicely enough. We've kind of learnt to work together again. I haven't forgiven him for what he did. To be honest, I'm not sure I will ever really be able to. Although I know that Jack's death was an accident, thinking about what he put Martha through afterwards just makes me want to cry. That's the worst part really.

But anyway, I could tolerate him this morning. He brought me a coffee from the Diner, which was a sweet gesture. We even managed to share a little joke, which I felt was progress. And I think the less hostility he receives, the easier it is for him to do his job. And the easier he finds it, the quicker he'll do it and then he can be off on his way, ready to start a new life away from here.

The test results finally came back today and we can confirm that the hand was bitten off by a tiger shark – the same breed that Hugo said he was attacked by. And the hand has been in the water for between eight and twelve weeks.

Angelo then wandered off to go and talk to Hugo. I gather that on his way, he spoke to Alf and Jai – who both gave him some attitude. He said he then went down to Hugo's boat. Xavier was just leaving and Hugo was largely unresponsive to his questions. I don't exactly know how it went but Hugo wasn't interested in answering Angelo's questions so Angelo got aggressive and threatened to impound his boat. I imagine a fair few insults were slung around and I'm pretty certain that Angelo was an insensitive arse about the whole thing. Sometimes I think he's forgotten that Hugo is Jack's cousin and that they used to be very close.

But anyway, when Angelo returned to his car, he found that his tires had been slashed. He immediately assumed it was Jai. First he asked Alf about Jai but he pretty much ignored him. Then he went round to the house and got into a bit of a slanging match with Kirsty. Jai said that he would have done it if he'd have thought of it but he didn't. I don't think that Angelo quite registered that Xavier had been there but my suspicion rests on him. I haven't said anything though. The last thing I want is for Angelo to bulldoze his way into another situation.

After Angelo's threat against him, Hugo stormed into the station and ranted at me. As if any of this is my fault! Honestly! I feel like Angelo's damn PR manager at the moment and I am fighting a losing battle. People hate him and he isn't exactly making those feelings go away with the way he behaves. But I just about convinced Hugo to co-operate with his questioning in exchange for not having the boat impounded, which to be fair, was a complete overreaction on Angelo's part. And then, so caught up with his slashed tires and Jai accusations, that he shut Hugo down and more or less told him it was too late.

He stormed out and the next thing I knew, I was getting a phone call from Kirsty complaining about Angelo and how he had treated Jai. I laid into Angelo about Jai and Hugo and we argued fairly severely. I was really on the verge of losing my cool. I just wanted to slap him. I ordered him to give Hugo a break and stop behaving the way he was. He started attacking me and accused me of sleeping with Hugo. It obviously hit a nerve. I threatened to slap him and he just about apologised but I don't forgive him.

We settled it and I basically said that I was there to back him up. I reiterated that when I was on duty, I am a cop first and foremost and nothing will get in the way of me doing my job. But I hope the silent end of the sentence was that out of uniform, I don't want anything to do with him, he disgusts me and I wish he'd just fuck off out of town.

I guess he didn't know that the single worst thing he could ever say to me was 'are you sleeping with Hugo?' because it just rams home my own damn mistakes. I _did _sleep with Hugo. And it was behind the back of the person I love. I lost my Joey because of Hugo. And I hate myself for it. I wish to God that I could take it back. I wish that so much. And I think it panicked me a little bit.

What if Joey was here? What if she came back suddenly and saw Hugo and I being friendly and thought there was something going on? I mean, I like Hugo, I suppose. He's not my bestest friend in the whole wide world but I like him well enough. And I am definitely not attracted to him. I wasn't attracted to him when I slept with him, for fuck's sake. That just makes the whole fact that I did it, all the sicker. And it makes me feel foolish and evil for doing it when it meant breaking my beautiful Joey's heart. Ugh, I can't even write about this without crying. I'm going to go now. I can't do this.

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 21<strong>**st**** May**

**20:31**

**Home**

Angelo was marginally more tolerable today, although not by much. We actually had a moment where I really empathised with him and managed to at least temporarily see past this aggressive stance he has. I don't think he is handling any of this in the right way but part of me wonders if it is all based in his guilt and pain. Today, I think I had an insight into who he really is and how he really feels. But it seems to be visible for a moment and then it disappears again.

I was feeling pretty rough all day, having cried myself to sleep. It was almost like a hangover kind of feeling – but it was grief rather than alcohol. I think yesterday's row with Angelo hurt me more than I care to admit and certainly more than I'd ever tell him. I don't care what he thinks of me, quite frankly, but the thought that I might be being too friendly with Hugo or something, sickens me. And it just rams home what I did and what I lost. And of course that just makes me miss Joey a million times more. And at this point in time, I think it's becoming increasingly impossible to miss her more than I already do. How do people live with broken hearts? How do they cope? Because I can't do it. I just can't.

I did my best to focus on work though. I smoothed things over with Angelo first thing and reminded him that he had to play nicely if he was going to get anywhere with his case. Yes, Hugo is obliged to help the police out with our enquiries but equally, he has every right to hate Angelo.

Once that was all clear, I called Hugo and invited him in. We had our interview and got what we wanted, although I had to step in a good few times when things got a bit heated between them. On the way out, Hugo mentioned that once he got his stitches out later that morning, he was looking forward to going diving again. I was surprised. I mean, I have never been a boating/diving/ocean kind of girl – except when I was with Joey – but I certainly wouldn't think of diving again if I had been bitten by a shark! Anyway, Angelo quickly latched onto the idea of Hugo taking him out to the spot he was bitten. Hugo was reluctant at first but then agreed to take him out.

At lunch time, Angelo went into the Diner. I was just about to walk in too when he walked back out again. I followed him. He'd left because Martha was having lunch with Tony and Rachel in there. That's when we had our 'moment' if you can call it that. I asked if that kind of thing happened a lot and he said it did.

He said that he didn't want to rub his presence in their faces and that he understands why they hate him. It made me think. He has been a bit of a bull in a china shop but thinking about it now, that's only when it's work related. I honestly think that he's as desperate to solve this case and move on from Summer Bay and everything that's happened here, as everyone else is. When it comes to his personal life, he doesn't want to jump around and make noise and draw attention to himself. He will miss lunch if a member of Jack's family are in the Diner. He'll forego anything if it makes them uncomfortable. That's the nice guy that I used to know, I guess. And I couldn't help feeling sorry for him today.

He told me that he wants to make up for his mistake. I can relate to that far too much. Maybe cheating on someone isn't quite the same as killing someone but when the person you cheat on is as wonderful as Joey, it feels kind of close. I can still see the look of heartbreak on her face every time I close my eyes. She's part of my soul now and what I did will always haunt me – no matter what happens.

I took him for lunch out of town and while I'm still not up for being friends with him exactly, we did talk at length about the case. Later in the afternoon though, Hugo showed up and told Angelo that the diving trip was off. I was patrolling by then but I gather they had a bit of a row. Angelo accused him of endangering the people of Summer Bay and they argued about Martha. From what Angelo reported back to me, I wonder if he thinks Hugo might have feelings for her or something. And now of course, I wonder. And I wonder if those feelings are reciprocated. But I am so not going there! My own life is complicated enough without get invested in what other people get up to! Well, actually, no, it's not. My life isn't complicated at all. It's empty and I am desperately lonely, longing for the day when my love might come home to me and tell me that she wants to give things another go.

Anyway, away from my dramas, I gather that Kirsty took Geoff and Annie to visit Irene yesterday and it really shook them up. Ruby was quite worried.

Sixty seven days.

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 23<strong>**rd**** May**

**11:51**

**The Beach**

I finally have a day off. I'd quite like to still be at work, to be honest. But I know I'll just end up crashing and burning if I don't take a break now and again. But the fewer days off I have, the better. They give me too much time to think and that doesn't generally lead to anything good.

I wonder what she's doing now. I wonder if she is okay. Is she happy? How is she finding the trawler? Who is she working with? Is it just men or are there women on board? Are any of them gay? Is she interested in anyone new? Is she ever coming home?

I can't keep driving myself crazy with this stuff. I still have sixty six days to go until I (hopefully) see her again and the more I fret over her being with someone new or not loving me anymore, the worse I feel. I have to think about other stuff.

So... Ruby and I had breakfast together today. It was nice. We had a good chat. She encouraged me to talk about Joey, which helped. I think half the problem is that I try and keep it all in and I feel like I am going to explode with grief.

But anyway, I was talking about things that were not Joey, wasn't I? Um... Oh! Yes. Ruby said that Xavier told her that things were weird between Martha and Hugo. I guess that lends to Angelo's theory about one of them liking the other or perhaps both of them liking each other.

And Irene has apparently been found drinking in prison. I have no idea how she got hold of the stuff but it's likely to hurt her chances of being freed during her trial. It's all very worrying.

Oh, and it looks like Belle and Liam Murphy might be an item. I know it's none of my business but I feel sorry for Aden if it's true. He loves her so much. He must be so hurt. Poor guy.

And the Winter Carnival thingy is definitely off. The tourist contingent of our town has completely evaporated because of the shark stuff. I even heard a rumour that a handful of guys want to go out and hunt the thing, bring it back, prove that it's dead and therefore the water isn't dangerous anymore – and then hopefully normal life could be resumed. It all sounds a bit _Jaws _to me.

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Charlie is elated to hear from Joey, Tony attempts to befriend Angelo and Liam loses control...<em>


	53. Chapter 53

_Just the one update today. I hope you like it. Love, IJKS xxx_

**Chapter Fifty Three**

**Monday 25****th**** May**

**09:50**

**Home**

I dreamt about Joey all night last night and I woke up feeling like my heart had actually broken. I didn't know it was a dream and I was so happy. She'd come home and told me that she loved me, forgave me and wanted to be with me. Oh, we had such a wonderful reunion and I was so happy. We told everyone about us and came out as proper couple. I even told my Dad and he took it so well. He didn't bat an eyelid and was just happy that I was so happy. And when Joey and I were alone, we made love. It was so beautiful. Then we fell asleep in each other's arms. And then... then I woke up alone and realised it was all a dream.

And now I just feel even worse than normal. I called in sick to work and I'm just going to hide out here and grieve. I just wish I could get this sadness out of my system. I wish I could dust myself off and hold my head up high again. But it's just so tiring. And I know my heart won't be healed until that dream comes true.

Sixty three days.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 26<strong>**th**** May**

**18:09**

**Work**

She texted me! She texted me! She said:

_Hi Charlie. I just got your message. Have been out at sea since I left. But I'm fine. No shark attacks. I hope you're doing okay. I miss you. J x_

She misses me! And she's fine! This is the best news ever! I mean, that's got to indicate that she's coming home, hasn't it? I mean, I still have sixty two days to live through but if she misses me, and if she cares enough to reply to my message then I at least have some hope.

I'm going to keep the message forever. I love her so much. I feel like, having heard from her, I can gather some kind of strength. Maybe things will be easier now? Now that I know she still misses me. And she put a kiss on the end. Granted, it was only one but it's better than nothing. And she did kiss me goodbye. Oh, I'm so happy that she got in touch. I feel like I'm brimming over with feelings now.

Shit, I should text her back quick. Maybe I'll hear from her again, depending on how long she's on land for.

I love you, Joey. I love you so much.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 26<strong>**th**** May**

**20:20**

**Home**

I didn't hear anything from Joey again. I texted her but she didn't reply to me. I told her that I was okay but missing her terribly and that I was desperately longing for her to come home. I told her that I loved her. And now I'm very aware that she didn't say that in her original message. I guess the silence is hurting now as much as text brought elation. I don't know. It's all so confusing. She misses me. But does she still love me? Is she really coming home? Fuck it. I'm going to call her.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 26<strong>**th**** May**

**20:32**

**Home**

It went straight to voicemail. Maybe she switched her phone off or maybe she's back on the boat. I don't know. I didn't leave a message. My text was kind of gushing so whether she's read it or not, I don't want to come across as too clingy.

Whatever happens when she comes back, things are going to be different. _She _will be different. I know that. So I have to be whatever she needs me to be. I have to prove myself. And for now, I guess crowding her isn't a good idea. The last thing she's going to want is voicemail after voicemail every time she gets off the boat. The whole reason she left was to get away from me. But I am still happy that she got in touch.

And for now, while I wait, I can listen to her voice on the phone, I can gaze at her photograph and I can generally indulge in memories.

I miss you so much, Joey. I love you.

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 28<strong>**th**** May**

**11:07**

**The Beach**

I had a night shift last night and I have another tonight. I dislike them on the basis that it mucks up my sleep pattern. After a few shifts, I don't know whether I am coming or going and I find it really difficult to nap during the day so I just end up exhausted. But never mind. There are worse things.

I'm trying to stay positive after hearing from Joey the other day though. I still keep calling her, which is pretty sad. I just like hearing her voice. I wish I had some sort of video or voice piece from her but we didn't really get the time to do that. I guess we thought we'd have all the time in the world.

But hey, when she comes back we can do all of the things we missed. And I'm determined that it's going to be forever this time. I am not going to make a mistake again. I am going to give everything I have to give to Joey. I'm going to make sure she is glad to come home. I'm going to make things work this time. Sixty days to go! That's nothing, right?

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 29<strong>**th**** May**

**14:08**

**Home**

I had a pretty heavy night at work. I was yawning throughout the morning and hurried to my bed as quickly as possible! Now, I'm up again and considering getting dressed and going to the gym. But it is very tempting to just lounge around at home though. I'm still very tired! But I know that if I stay still too long, I just end up thinking about Joey and although I'm feeling much encouraged by her text, when I think about her and know that I'm still technically without her and that it's all my fault, it gets me down. Well, you dear diary, know that more than anyone!

I wonder if _she _knows how much I miss her. I wish I could find a way to let her know but words just feel pretty redundant when I try to express my feelings for her. Loving Joey is like nothing else in the world. I can't compare it to anything – and anything I've felt for any other partner in my life, even Roman, just feels totally insignificant. Joey is definitely the love of my life and whether we get back together or not, nobody else will ever compare.

Anyway, I'd best not start writing about Joey or else I will be here all day. Every time I think about her, I just well up with all these overwhelming feelings.

Work was really busy. It started out slowly enough but then there was an armed robbery at the bottle shop. It's pretty shocking for round here. I mean, we do get robberies and things, especially during the big tourist seasons but this was something else. It was professional. And then when an elderly customer had a heart attack from fright, one of the robbers gave her first aid. He scarpered well before we got there but he could easily have saved her life by what he did.

Kirsty, Geoff and Annie saw them on their way out but they were in masks and took off in a van very quickly so although they all made statements for us, there isn't much to go on. I guess we can either hope that it was a one off or if they do it again, that we can catch them. It's definitely a professional job though. They knew exactly what they were doing. Bastards. The guy working the till was terrified. I feel so sorry for him.

I ran into Roman and Gardy this morning. I wish I could have seen Roman alone because I wanted to talk to him about the whole Gardy and Nicole situation. She turned to Ruby again for support yesterday and I think if Roman just knows how uncomfortable his friend is making his daughter, he'll do something about it. And he has his sight back now so I'm sure he can cope. I mean, he can still be mates with the guy if he wants to but he doesn't have to have him in the same house as Nicole, does he? He doesn't seem to be quite back to normal yet though. Leah is getting a little frustrated as he isn't back at work yet and he's being a little sketchy about his return date. But I guess it will all take time for him to regain his life.

When I saw Ruby yesterday, she said that Nicole and Trey are still on shaky ground and she's really worried about Xavier. Something is going on between Martha and Hugo – like they've had a fight or something. Angelo's comment came back to me and I wonder if Hugo has feelings for Martha or something. And would she have feelings for someone else so soon? I don't know. I mean, I can't even imagine looking at someone else who isn't Joey and we've only broken up. Jack died. I'm struggling so much with losing Joey but how would I ever cope with anything if the love of my life died? I can't even bear to think about it.

Mostly, when I saw her though, Ruby was busy ranting about this shark hunt that Alf, Hugo and Miles have gone on. I don't know what I think, to be honest. Yes, catching a shark or whatever would help the current problems in the Bay – not least the incessant phone calls we're getting at work. But tourism is down, the winter carnival has been cancelled and chaos reigns. So yes, looking like we've solved the problem would help but at the same time, even though Ruby's outrage appears to have come from nowhere, she does have a point. Sharks live in the sea. Sharks feed. Can you really go out and murder one of them when they're just doing what nature intends? I mean, I feel so terrible for that poor guy who had his hand bitten off. I mean, fuck knows where the rest of him is. And then there's poor Hugo. I can't even imagine how scary it must be for him to have had a chunk taken out of him. But still, it's what sharks do. People on their turf are fair game. Except Joey. She's not. I'd go and kill any shark that hurt my darling. Okay, I might have defeated my own point there! But anyway... They've gone shark hunting and let's all hope that they get back in one piece.

There is still some concern that Irene is drinking in prison, although how she would get hold of booze is anyone's guess. I've spoken to the prison and I believe that Belle and Kirsty and Rachel have all tried to figure out what's going on and how they can help but Irene is still waiting to see the prison doctor. The officer she shot is still refusing to believe it was self defence so the charges are all firmly in place. I feel so sorry for her. It had to have been self defence. I mean, this is Irene we're talking about. But I guess that doesn't help the poor officer who is on long term sick and struggling with his injuries. Whether someone meant to hurt you or not doesn't take away the pain and suffering, does it? There are no winners here. I feel sorry for everyone.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 31<strong>**st**** May**

**22:00**

**Home**

What a damn crazy few days. I haven't even had time to catch my breath. On the plus side, it means I haven't had a lot of time to cry over Joey, which must be a good thing. This volume of tears can't be healthy! But yeah, work has been a bitch.

I had the rest of Friday off and then started bright and early again on Saturday morning. I was feeling okay and I'd managed to fix my sleep issues relatively painlessly, which was good, although I'm a little out of whack again now.

Well, my day started with confirmation that our bottle shop investigation is already dead in the water. We're still trying though and Watson and I spent a fair bit of time looking for similar jobs in the area in a bid to catch whoever it is. I am still certain that they are professional and know exactly what they're doing.

Angelo was late to work because he had his tired slashed again. I suspected Xavier at first but if it was him, I think it would have been a chance thing. I doubt he would go all the way over to Angelo's place in order to wreak some kind of revenge. So, I don't know whether it's a selection of people doing this or one person in particular who has it in for him. I mean, there is an extensive list of enemies. I have to admit that I feel kind of sorry for him. I know his situation is of his own making but still, it can't be the easiest thing in the world to know that you're the most hated man in Summer Bay.

And he's pretty pissed off about the shark hunt. He was all set to go out with Hugo to the spot where he was attacked and then he cancelled on him at the last minute. The next thing he knows, Hugo has gone out shark hunting with Alf and Miles. He told me that he might be transferred to the city if he doesn't make progress quickly with the case. I think that's a good thing and I told him so but he doesn't agree. I got the feeling that he thinks if he can do a good thing here then it might go at least part way towards making up for his mistakes.

I think it will take a little more than identifying the owner of the hand in the sand and finding out what happened to Lou to get him off the hook but I suppose we all have to do what we need to in order to make ourselves feel better. I mean, look at the mess I made with Joey. I would literally do anything she asked me to in order to make it up to her. But I don't think in my own heart, it would ever be enough. Even if she did forgive me, I doubt I will ever really forgive myself.

There was a pro-Irene article in the paper, which is good. The poor woman needs all the support she can get right now, especially in light of the new evidence. The boys came home without a shark. But they did come home with the body of Lou DeBono. Honestly, I have seen some grisly things in my time but this has scarred me for life. And I think it's likely to be the same for Angelo, Alf, Hugo and Miles.

And apparently Miles fell off the boat or something at one point and they nearly lost him. I wasn't too clear on that exactly as I didn't get time to talk to anyone about anything not directly relating to the case. But anyway, they thought they'd caught the shark but they actually ended up pulling Lou's body from the water instead.

They arrived back long after I had finished my shift. I'd decided to wind down with a glass of wine at the Surf Club when Angelo came and sat with me. He was trying to make conversation and I think I was probably a little bit hard on him but I didn't particularly want to talk – especially the topics he wanted to discuss.

He asked if I was seeing someone, which is one of the hardest questions in the world for me right now. Am I? I don't know. Joey and I have broken up. But we're hoping to get back together when she comes home. And she did kiss me goodbye, which has got to mean something, hasn't it? So, I just answered 'not really'. He said he was single too and then he started asking me about a 'pretty bad break up' he'd heard I had. I snapped then. Firstly, what are people saying about me? And secondly, what the hell has it got to do with him or with anyone? My relationship – or lack thereof – with Joey is our business only. And if it wasn't for me letting other people affect me so badly about it then perhaps I would have been able to keep her. I certainly didn't want to talk to Angelo about it.

But it was then that we got the call about Alf, Hugo and Miles finding Lou's body. Angelo headed on down to the boat and I raced back to work – glad that I'd had about a thimble of my wine and nothing more. But it meant working for most of the night.

Alf is desperately hoping that the discovery will provide Irene with some kind of grace. If we know what happened to Lou then it might clear her, although Donna (his wife) was adamant that it would only prove her guilt. And unfortunately, she might be right – although I still don't think that Irene killed him.

You see, it looked, last night, that Lou had tumbled off the boat and been attacked by a shark. Unfortunately, this morning, we received the coroner's report confirming that he was shot before he was bitten and that the shark attack occurred post-mortem. Now, if the bullet turns out to be from the same gun Irene shot the police officer with, she's done for. There will be no choice but to charge her with Lou's murder on top of everything else. I just hope it doesn't come to that.

It was my unfortunate job to tell Belle the seriousness of it all and I felt terrible for it. She's got enough on her plate right now. Angelo brought Donna in and she immediately started shooting her mouth off about Irene. I took her off for an interview and chose to ignore the raised voices behind me. Belle and Angelo clearly got into an argument. I'm not even going to ask about it. They have a lot of unresolved issues from their history. She did cheat on him, after all. And for a while there, she thought he had attacked her. Even though he was cleared of those charges, he did kill Jack after that. And this whole development site business affected Belle in a long term way. She was run off the road and she was attacked and those are all things that led to her drug dependency. And from that, she's been in rehab and she and Aden have broken up.

I do feel a bit sorry for Angelo though. Whatever he has done, it must be hard to take when people freeze you out, shoot you looks that could kill and generally have a go at you whenever they want to. And I kind of did that too last night. But it wasn't about him or anything he has done. It's just that I can still hardly think about Joey and everything I have lost without breaking down. And while that's something I have had to get used to in private, I'm not prepared to lose the plot in front of people – especially not out in public. I bought him lunch today to try and make up for being rude the night before. I don't know if he really appreciated it though. Still, I did my best.

He had another incident this afternoon though. We got a call out to some kind of trouble on a boat. Angelo went and it turned out to be a false alarm. Well, we suspect it was a prank call with at least some level of intention as when Angelo got back to the car... yep, you guessed it – his tires had been slashed again. I don't forgive him for what happened with Jack. Well, more specifically, I don't forgive him for what happened with Martha. Jack's death was an accident. It was the fact that he lied about it that was so wrong. But I can't help feeling sorry for him. I wish people would be able to find it within themselves to let him get on with his day as quietly as he can. He's just trying to make up for what he did. He's just trying to do his job.

Anyway, the big surprise of the day was Tony. He was driving past when Angelo was standing on the side of the road and he actually offered him a lift back to the station. How amazing is that? To offer a lift to the man who killed your son, to be that willing not to hold hate in your heart... I just think that's an incredible thing for Tony to have done. I know Rachel has been worrying about him. Every time any of us see Tony these days, he is working out really heavily. A lot of people have commented and Rachel has been fretting that it's because he's transferring his Angelo rage. But surely if he was able to give the guy a lift today, he is starting to heal? I hope so anyway.

On top of everything going on with the robbery, the shark attacks and Lou's death, it looks like Liam Murphy, the rock star that Belle is dating and was in rehab with, is back on the drugs. A colleague of ours dragged in two teenage girls from the beach when he caught them getting high. They claimed that Liam gave them the drugs. And judging by what happened with Liam later on in the day, we can only assume that it's true.

I'm still not quite clear on what happened but what I do know is that somehow, high as a kite, Liam ended up on the roof of his motel. Belle was trying to talk him down and Aden even got up on the roof with him. And I gather than he almost got pushed off. But somehow or other, by the time a squad car, an ambulance and a shit load of media arrived, Aden had talked him down. He's spending tonight in the hospital and I gather he's heading back to rehab in the morning. By the sounds of it, he should never have left in the first place. It was clearly too much too soon. I just hope he will be okay this time around.

I spent about half an hour with Ruby and Leah before I finally gave up and went to bed. Rubes said that Xavier is beside himself over the Hugo and Martha situation. He thinks his brother is gearing up to leave town as apparently he is behaving the same way he did before he bailed on him, Brendan and Gina last time. Ruby thinks perhaps Hugo is therefore behaving like an arse with Martha so that she won't miss him when he is gone. She commented about how close they are, which lends to Angelo's theory. And it's absolutely true that Martha has come to rely a lot on him. I don't know. It's not my business. But Martha is my friend and I just want her to be happy. She has been to hell and back over the last year or so and she deserves something good to happen to her – whatever that may be.

Leah wasn't in the best of moods. Apparently she took VJ round to see Roman as they haven't seen a lot of him for a while and she needed to know what his work plans were. And that vile Gardy scared the shit out of poor VJ. It was something about using heads for soccer balls or something. As if VJ hasn't been through enough lately, especially with displaced body parts!

He was already in bed by the time I got home but Leah said it took a while to settle him. She can't bear Gardy and she's pretty pissed with Roman. I am definitely going to try and have a chat with him tomorrow, about Nicole if nothing else. He's not being fair to her by keeping that creep around. And I know it's not my place to interfere but I can't help it. If I think someone is in danger (Nicole) then it's my duty as a police officer, the guardian of her school friend and generally as a human being, to speak up.

Wow! A whole entry with hardly a ramble about Joey. Perhaps this is a sign that I might not be a pathetic puddle of mess when she comes back. Maybe I can build myself up and get strong for when she comes home. There are only fifty seven days to go, after all.

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Joey makes contact with Charlie on her birthday, Angelo makes some headway with saving Irene and Nicole and Trey fall into danger…<em>


	54. Chapter 54

**Chapter Fifty Four**

**Monday 1****st**** June 2009**

**22:04**

**Home**

Another long day. I am still absolutely certain that the people who robbed the bottle shop are professionals and it looks like at least one of them were involved in a home invasion at the Palmer property this evening. And I am starting to suspect that I know who is behind this. But I don't have anything concrete yet.

Trey and Nicole had gone back to his place after school. I'm not even going to consider what they were there in his bedroom for. It's not my place. But anyway, they got disturbed. A man broke in and tied up Trey's mother. When Trey went to check what had happened, he got tied up too. He said it was a masked man and nobody recognised his voice. But it was a dead ringer for the attire of the people who robbed the bottle shop. From her hiding place in the bedroom, Nicole managed to call Roman, who called me. Despite my protestations, Roman charged on over there and arrived about a minute before we did. He disturbed the guy and rescued Nicole, Trey and Mrs Palmer, thankfully. But the guy got away.

We took everyone in for an interview and nobody could really help with identification but Trey said he recognised the gun. It's the kind of weapon that is issued by the SAS, which leads me to my current theory. Those were the same guns used in the bottle shop and in some other recent robberies in the area. Gardy was in the SAS. He's a dodgy, threatening character who seems to me and to everyone around him to be more than a little shady. It shocks me that Roman would be friends with someone like that but maybe he's been through too much with him and can't see what he's really like. But I do think that Gardy is involved in these robberies. I'm sure of it.

Leah hates him. And Nicole is currently staying with us because she hates him too. I remain shocked that Roman appears to be choosing his mate over his own daughter. She told him what Gardy has been saying to her and how uncomfortable he is making her but this morning, Roman packed Nicole's stuff and sent her off to live with us. Of course none of us mind but it's so sad for her. She's been totally rejected by her Dad and it's just not fair. Even after what happened today, Roman said that she still can't come home. She was a total mess when he left her at the station. I told her to wait while I tidied up some loose ends and then I brought her home with me.

Nicole, Ruby, Leah and I had a takeaway and we talked a lot about how strangely Roman is behaving lately. It's clearly hurting Nicole and Leah is extremely pissed off, although she said he did kind of start back at work today. And he has given her some money to cover Nicole's housekeeping and stuff.

Oh, and apparently that girl, Claudia is pregnant and Geoff is the father. Annie was pretty upset about it all so she called Ruby who told her that she should just be supportive of her brother. He might have made a mistake but the baby exists now and they just have to deal with it. Snapping at the guy isn't going to help. It brought back some horrific memories for me, although at least they're seventeen and not as young as I was and at least the sex was consensual.

It was pretty much the last thing poor Nicole needed to hear though. I know she has moved on and she seems very happy with Trey who has turned surprisingly sweet and thoughtful by all accounts, but there were a lot of issues around sex when she was dating Geoff. I believe that they slept together once on the island during the whole Elliot saga but after that, he was adamant that they couldn't be sexually active. He doesn't believe in sex before marriage and he was very adamant about that. Their differing views caused them a lot of difficulties and then he went and slept with Claudia pretty much right away. I don't like to call him a hypocrite but if the cap fits... so to speak.

Anyway, he and Claudia are now set to become parents. Nicole is wretched over Roman and Gardy and now this news about Geoff and Claudia. Ruby is stressed because Xavier is fretting about Hugo who appears to have buggered off to his Mum's house and won't take anyone's calls. I'd like to be relieved that I am over teenage angst but although I am going to be thirty at the end of this week, I can safely say that the angst part doesn't ever seem to go away.

This next birthday should have been so happy for me. It should have been something special because I should have had someone special to share it with. But Joey is gone and it's all my fault. She loved me and she wanted to be with me. She cared and she was so amazing. But I live a life of bad decisions and now she's away and I will indeed be spending my birthday feeling as miserable as I did last year. And last year was pretty tragic.

Even Angelo is more cheerful than me these days. Is it wrong that that makes me kind of sick? Of course I don't want him to be miserable. And as far as I can gather, he still very much is, but I wish I could have some glimmer of hope for myself. My joy over Joey getting in touch last week has worn off, I guess.

Ugh! I was feeling pretty normal before I started this entry. I think I'm going to listen to Joey's voicemail recording a couple of times and then go to bed.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 2<strong>**nd**** June**

**19:39**

**Home**

I spent most of the day working on the home invasion case and I managed to do a background check on Gardy. He's mostly clean but ten years ago, he was allegedly involved in a robbery. The case didn't go to court because there wasn't enough evidence. But between that, the SAS issue gun and his generally vile behaviour, I can't help but think I'm onto something. Call it cop instinct or whatever you like but I'm certain that he is involved somehow.

The only thing that makes me unsure is Roman. I know him. Even previous relationship aside, everybody knows that he is a good man. So why would he hang out with Gardy and be so protective of him if he was capable of something like that? It doesn't make any sense.

I even went round to ask Gardy to come in for questioning but he wasn't there. I shared a little bit of what I knew about Gardy and Roman didn't believe that he would be responsible for the home invasion. He vouched for his character and was pretty certain about the whole thing. We talked a little about Nicole. I made it clear that she misses him but he hasn't changed his mind about anything.

Angelo has been working crazy hard on Irene's case. He seems to spend his every waking moment on the Eagle Rock searching for some kind of clue that might indicate that she didn't kill Lou. I know she didn't do it but I can't help thinking that this whole thing is a lost cause. He's searching for something that just isn't there. And he's doing it because he thinks that if he can do a good thing, if he can save Irene, then people will like him again. But I don't want him to go through the pain of realising that it's not going to help. Yes, it would be wonderful if Irene was released. And yes, people would be grateful. But gratitude would still be outweighed by hate for what he did, at least by the people he's desperate to receive some kind of grace from. Martha will never forgive him for what happened and well, nor should she.

Tony seems to have moved on, at least to a degree. He's been holding onto hate for a long time. He was a mess when Jack first died and then he'd just got himself back together when Angelo returned and got him all messed up again. But he does seem to be trying to push through his pain. I think that's wonderful.

But I don't think it's indicative of the rest of the town and it's certainly not indicative of Martha. I think she'd be horrified if she learnt that Tony had given Angelo a lift last week. She won't forgive him. He could free every single innocent person in jail and she still wouldn't forgive him – not yet anyway. Maybe in time. I hope so. He really is trying to make up for what he did. I do feel very sorry for him right now.

If he is successful, which to be honest, I don't think he will be, I think he will be disappointed. And it's going to take a hell of a lot more than temporary freedom for Irene to get herself back on track.

I keep checking in at the prison and she's a mess by all accounts. And from the snatched words I've heard from people like Belle, Kirsty and Rachel, it sounds like she's drinking. She's also point blank refused to see Annie and Geoff anymore. I feel so sorry for everyone.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 3<strong>**rd**** June**

**12:31**

**Work**

I'm just on my break and I'm holed up in my office feeling sorry for myself. I just miss Joey so much. It hits me in waves. I'm absolutely certain that if I had been able to keep her, she would have made my upcoming birthday really special. But I lost her. And I actually think my 30th is going to be harder than my 29th.

This time last year, I was pissed because Dad had run off with Morag and I was hurting because Mum had just died and Ruby was stuck at boarding school. And in the last twelve months... I still miss Mum, Dad has Alzheimer's, I nearly drowned, I got my heart broken by Roman, I have two of the biggest sexual regrets in my life – Angelo and Hugo, and I finally found and then lost the lost of my life. I try not to feel sorry for myself but sometimes it feels so hard to smile.

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 4<strong>**th**** June**

**20:43**

**Home**

It was another long day at work. Angelo is practically living on Lou's boat and I'm still wading through the bottle shop incident and the home invasion. I want to interview Gardy but he won't return my calls and he never seems to be around when I go looking for him. And I have no hard evidence so I can't drag him in.

Poor Nicole is still living with us. She's been really grateful that we've given her a roof over her heard but it's clear that she's struggling. She and Ruby get along well but it's not easy for them to share Ruby's room. It was hard enough when I was sharing Ruby's room – until I accepted that I loved Joey.

Sharing my room with Joey was awesome! But anyway, I'm best off not remembering those days. The girls made a joke about hoping their living arrangement didn't 'go all gay'. I was not amused. I don't give a fuck about the gay label anymore but just the reference causes me pain. So yeah, I just escaped to my room and I'll be hiding out here for the rest of the night.

It's my birthday tomorrow and I'm not planning on celebrating. It doesn't feel like there is anything to celebrate. Leah tried to coax me into having a party but then I reminded her of her own birthday and that things didn't always go well when you were forced into celebrating.

I wish I was curling up with Joey right now. I wonder if she has even remembered. Maybe she's thinking of me. I wish she was. All I can cling to is the idea that she might be missing me even half as much as I miss her. That would guarantee her coming home, wouldn't it? If she misses me, she's got to come back. Oh, Joey, please come home. I miss you so much. Fifty four days to go.

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 5<strong>**th**** June**

**09:00**

**Home**

Joey sent me a birthday card! She remembered! And she sent a card! How amazing is that? I am so, so happy. I have to go to work in a sec but I was so excited that I had to quickly write it all down.

It was a sweet little card with a drawing of a kitten with a party hat on it's head. And inside she's written:

_Dearest Charlie,_

_I hope this card gets to you in time. I asked a friend last time I docked to post it to you as by the time you're (hopefully) reading this, I will be well out to sea again._

_Whatever you're doing to celebrate, I do hope you have a lovely day. I wish I could have been here to share it with you. I miss you so much it hurts and I don't know how to recover. Please know that whatever happens, I will always love you._

_Forever yours,_

_Joey_

_xxx_

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 5<strong>**th**** June**

**23:19**

**Home**

I worked all day today. Leah got me a card and she bought me some really nice bath oils and stuff. And I got cards and gifts from Dad and Morag and from Ruby.

And of course there was the card from Joey. I must have read it a hundred times. And it's only getting me more confused. She said that she is really missing me but I have this awful sinking feeling that she might not be coming home. She doesn't know what to do about the pain she's in and then she said that no matter what happened, she still loves me. Maybe that means she loves me but can't forgive me. Maybe it means she's not coming home. I can't even bear to contemplate that. She still sounds so hurt. I hate myself for that.

In more cheerful news, it looks like things are getting a little better for Angelo. By all accounts, he and Tony have been making a lot of progress. Tony even offered to be his spotter while he was lifting weights in the gym. And he even encouraged him over the work he has been doing to clear Irene's name. And he really has been working hard.

By the time I saw him in the afternoon, he'd already been on Lou's boat for most of the night and then again this morning. But unfortunately, Angelo's good mood had worn off by them. Alf had mentioned to Martha and Rachel that he'd seen Tony and Angelo being really friendly with each other. Martha went off on one. I gather that she had a go at Tony and I know she laid into Angelo. He was pretty upset about it.

I checked in on Irene at the prison by phone again today. Apparently she has seen the Doctor now and has been given some meds and been referred to counselling to help her through the alcohol stuff. I just hope that whatever happens, she can pull through all of this horror.

Birthday wise, it was a pretty quiet day. I don't think anyone even knows about it. I was sitting on the beach rereading my card from Joey when Roman walked past. He remembered then that it was my thirtieth and apologised for not getting me a card. But apart from him, Leah and Ruby, the only other people in Summer Bay who knew about it were Angelo and Watson. Angelo didn't remember but at the end of my working day, when Watson arrived for the late shift, she gave me a card and a box of chocolates. It really touched me actually.

But when I got home and was about to curl up in my PJ's and feel sorry for myself, Ruby appeared looking very cheerful and announced that she had booked a table in my favourite restaurant as a birthday treat. Bless her, she even saved up her pocket money for it. I was extremely touched by that too.

We had a really nice time together. She updated me on all the latest news about her friends. Apparently Geoff has skipped town. There was some discussion about a termination. Claudia wants to consider it as an option but Geoff doesn't. And now he's buggered off for a few days. I can't say that that's the most responsible or thoughtful thing to do but I guess he is going through as much turmoil as Claudia is. She's the girl that Joey helped to get out of the burning caravan.

Ruby was also telling me about Xavier's troubles. He is very worried about Hugo and thinks that he's gearing up to skip town. Martha has been really cagey about the whole thing and now Rubes is in a panic because if Hugo does leave Summer Bay, Xavier will probably have to leave too. He'll be expected to either go with Hugo or return to Gina so Ruby is obviously very upset about that.

And now Ruby has this whole theory that Martha might have feelings for Hugo. I thought it was the other way around but maybe there is some truth in it. She was disgusted when I slept with him. I assumed that it was for the same reason I was disgusted with myself, the same reason Joey hated me – but maybe for Martha it was more than that. Who knows?

But I feel bad for her if she does like him. How confusing must that be? She only buried her husband at the beginning of this year. I'm not judging but I can imagine she'd feel a bit shit that she liked someone else already – even if it is Jack's cousin, or perhaps even especially if it's him. I don't know if that would make it harder or easier.

Inevitably, Ruby saw through my over the top interest in the life of her and her friends. She made me talk about the hard stuff. I showed her the card Joey sent me and she didn't know what to make of it either. The 'dearest' part is encouraging, as is the fact that she wishes she was spending my birthday with me, that she misses me and she loves me. But she hasn't said for sure that she's coming home. I've been living in hope for the last month but maybe I really did hurt her too badly. Maybe I went too far and maybe I truly have lost her for good.

But it was good to talk to Ruby about it. Nobody quite understands what I'm going through but she is definitely the closest person. She might not have reacted that well initially but once she realised that Joey and I truly loved each other, she really got on board. She was good friends with Joey and she has supported me so much through the breakup. I ended up pouring my heart out to her. Fortunately, I managed not to cry this time, although it was touch and go for a while. But I talked a lot about my hurt and guilt and regret. She was really kind and she said that she hoped when Joey comes home, we can really make it work this time. Fifty three days to go.

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 6<strong>**th**** June**

**02:30**

**Home**

Okay, I couldn't sleep. So I opened a bottle of wine or three and now I'm feeling particularly drunk and quietly disorderly. And I might throw up.

I left a somewhat drunken message on Joey's voicemail. I hope she forgives me for it. I hope I didn't say anything too bad. I just rambled about how much I love her and miss her and need her. I thanked her for the card and said that I hoped she would be home soon and that we would be spending my thirty first together. And her twenty sixth, which is coming up in January. It was all rather slurred and emotional. I cried. And then when I hung up, I sobbed into my pillow for about half an hour.

And now I'm still drunk and still emotional and I just want to go to sleep and not wake up until my Joey comes home.

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 6<strong>**th**** June**

**21:08**

**Home**

Shockingly, my hangover really wasn't as horrific as it ought to be today. I woke up and threw up and then I started to feel not so bad.

It was another pretty heavy day at work. Last night, Angelo had to break the news to Belle that although a different bullet was found in Lou's body than the one Irene fired into the police officer, it was of the same calibre. So the prosecution claimed that there must have been two types of bullets on board and once Irene shot and killed Lou, she ditched those bullets and replaced them with a different kind.

However, since then, we made some progress. Well, I pissed Angelo off, he got frustrated and kicked the side of the boat. A piece of it broke away and revealed some blood we hadn't yet spotted. Forensics ran the appropriate tests and as luck (if you can use that word in a situation as awful as this) would have it, the blood belonged neither to Lou or Irene. That means that at some point, someone else had to have been on their boat. And they have to have been injured in some way. It's therefore entirely plausible that that person could have been Lou's killer. So, although nothing will be official until tomorrow, the murder charges will be dropped. The other charges will stand but if a killer had been on board the boat then that will help her self defence claim. And it might even be possible that she will then be let out on bail. How awesome is that?

Hey, maybe it's a sign that things will turn out right for everyone. I mean, Irene might be getting out of jail; judging by the way they are together, I am certain that Belle and Aden will be getting back together soon; and Angelo seems to be getting his life back on track. Irene shot a police officer, Belle got hooked on drugs, Aden used Nicole and Angelo killed a man – maybe there is hope for a two timing bitch like me. Maybe in fifty two days, the love of my life really will come home. Maybe I'll get a second chance.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 7<strong>**th**** June**

**23:11**

**Home**

As usual, I worked all day. Angelo asked if I ever had a day off. I told him he's one to talk. He said that he was trying to make up for his misdeeds – clearly referencing the remark I made yesterday that pissed him off so much. Then he asked what my excuse was. In a moment of weakness, I said that I was trying to escape from myself. He tried to pursue the issue but the one person that I can bear to talk about everything with is Ruby and even then, she has to drag it out of me. I am certainly not going to talk to Angelo of all people about it.

I mean, I must admit that I like him again – not like that, but as a friend. I feel sorry for him and I truly believe that he is trying to make up for his mistakes. I guess I want to be his friend again, although if I make too much of a fuss about that, I know things will kick off and Martha would hate me. But I don't want to be bosom buddies. I don't want to hang out with him out of hours and I don't want to open my heart to him about losing the love of my life. It's too much for me.

He told me rather proudly that Tony commended him for his work on Irene's case. Alf was sour about the fact that Irene was in jail in the first place but Tony was kind. They even went for a run together and Tony invited Angelo fishing or something. Is it sad that thinking about fishing depresses me? That's what Joey's doing with her life right now and she's doing it so far away from me. I can't even explain how much I miss her.

I busied myself with investigating Gardy today, although I didn't really get anywhere. I asked a few questions but I hit a lot of brick walls. I still think he is involved in this spate of robberies. I finally located him and brought him in for questioning but he's clearly a first class liar. He claims that he was with Roman on every night that I asked about. I'm going to speak to Roman tomorrow and ask him. I'm sure he wouldn't lie. I also tried to talk to Miles about it this evening. He's good friends with Roman and a very honest gentleman. But if he knows anything, he didn't want to talk. He disappeared pretty quickly.

There was another robbery again tonight. Well, we think there was going to be anyway. But we had a tipoff and showed up at the warehouse we were directed to. I think it's connected to the other ones and I am sure Gardy is involved. Now we just have to catch him.

Apparently Martha has decided to move out to the farm. Mulder and Scully, AKA my lovely daughter and her boyfriend have changed their theory. Now they think it's Hugo that likes Martha and that's why she is so uncomfortable. I gather that Xavier hasn't exactly been giving his brother the easiest time of it. He's become very attached to Martha and he doesn't want to lose her. And things have been pretty unstable for him in recent months. Poor kid.

And Geoff is back as well. He's reunited with Claudia by all accounts and they are keeping the baby. I hope they can be a happy family. And I hope that one day Joey, Ruby and I can be a family too. I hope that we can be happy.

Goodnight my darling. I love you so much. Fifty one days.

* * *

><p><em>Next time… things comes to a head with Roman and Gardy, Angelo starts dating a new arrival and Tony turns out not to have forgiven him after all…<em>


	55. Chapter 55

_This is my final update until I get out of hospital so I hope you like it. I found writing the post-Joey stuff a bit difficult but I hope I am approaching Charlie's thoughts and feelings in the right way – and Joey will be part of this story right to the end – not that I have written that yet. I'm currently stuck in the middle of 2010! Anyway, I wish you all well and look forward to getting back to you soon. Love, IJKS xxx_

**Chapter Fifty Five**

**Tuesday 9****th**** June**

**23:57**

**Home**

What a crazy couple of days. I've hardly slept. I've just got to get through tomorrow and then I can rest all day Thursday. I'm exhausted. And I'm dreading the weekend. On Saturday, it would have (if I had managed to keep her) been mine and Joey's two month anniversary. I just wish we could have had this time together. I wish we could be looking forward to celebrating our love for each other.

But she's out in the middle of ocean, debating whether she can forgive me and love me again, and I'm stuck here, missing her like crazy. There are fifty days to go now but they are passing so damn slowly. Fifty days feels like such a long time. Three months is the forever I told her it would be. I wonder if she is feeling the same. I have no idea.

It turns out that Roman isn't the man we thought we was. Well, I totally understand his recent behaviour but... well, I guess it's complicated. Miles came and found me yesterday and told me that this Gardy guy has been throwing his weight around. He had Roman over a barrel and was threatening Nicole and getting him to do things he didn't want to do. He also threatened Miles and his family in order to make them keep quiet.

We spent the rest of yesterday looking for them but it was pretty much a wild goose chase. I worked all through the night and I looked like the walking dead, as did most of my team. We thought we had a lead this morning when someone reported gunshots down near Mangrove Wharf but it turned out to be a bunch of kids setting off firecrackers.

Then by a stroke of luck (or dare I say, genius – albeit delayed), I took a team over to the warehouse that kept getting mentioned while I was trying to investigate the spate of robberies. We got there too late and I don't think I will ever stop kicking myself for that.

Gardy had fucked off already and we'll continue to search for him but he'll be difficult to track down. He knows exactly what he's doing. Illegal behaviour is a profession for him. I spent a lot of time doing background research when I was trying to find him and Roman and his former SAS commander told me that he had been discharged after some serious disciplinary issues, including breaking a guy's arm during an interrogation.

When we arrived at the warehouse, as I said, Gardy had scarpered, despite being shot in the leg. Basically, he had forced Roman into participating in these robberies – including the bottle shop and, as I suspected, Gardy was responsible for the home invasion. Roman lied to protect him because he was scared for himself and Nicole.

But today, when it looked like Gardy was going to kill the hostages who worked in the warehouse, Roman tried to save them by shooting Gardy. Unfortunately, it looked like Gardy had suspected him and taken the firing pin from his weapon. He then shot Roman. A bit of a cat and mouse game ensued and Roman managed to knock Gardy out. Then he passed out from the pain.

They both came to at around the same time, according to Roman but before he could do anything, Gardy pulled out a handgun. They were facing off when Xavier unwittingly burst in on them. Apparently he and Hugo had been to collect a shark cage and new diving gear for the business but couldn't lift it all by themselves so Hugo sent him off to get help. Gardy took Xavier hostage but Hugo arrived and threatened him with a harpoon. He fired and missed but rescued Xavier. Gardy was just about to shoot him when Roman fired first. He shot Gardy in the leg but he managed to escape anyway.

We took Roman to get patched up at the hospital and I tried to send him home to rest after everything he had been through but he insisted on coming right to the station and confessing all. He told us about the robberies he had been involved in, including the bottle shop and shed some light on the ones he hasn't participated in.

Then he told us that he killed a fellow officer when he was serving in the SAS in Afghanistan. This guy, Mark – the brother of Elliot – had put them all in danger and he was about to kill Gardy by running him over. Roman fired his gun through the windscreen and he died. I guess that explains the psychosomatic blindness when the rock came through his windscreen that night. It was almost the same movement judging by what he said.

Unfortunately, we had no choice but to call the military police. He didn't even seem to want to fight the inevitable charges so I think he is relieved to be unburdened. He's lived for quite some time with the truth that he killed his friend and then when all that stuff happened with Elliot, it must have been even worse for him than we all thought it was. He made his peace with and explained everything to Nicole. Roman is being held overnight and the military police are schedule to come to take him away tomorrow.

It really is Nicole that I feel desperately sorry for. Roman has asked Miles to take her in permanently. In a way, I think she is grateful as I know not having her own space at our place was getting to her. She had a real meltdown yesterday when VJ spilt his juice over a school assignment. But at the same time, yes, she'll have a room at Miles and Kirsty's house but it won't feel like her room. It won't be in her house with her Dad. It won't be the same. Poor, poor girl.

Oh, and I forgot to say! Irene is finally back home with her family. Hooray!

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 11<strong>**th**** June**

**14:11**

**The Beach**

Sorry I haven't been writing properly this week. Work has just been hell. Yesterday wasn't quite such a long day but after a previous shift of almost two whole days, I was pretty wiped. I finished yesterday at six and I didn't even bother eating. I just crashed out and woke up at eleven this morning.

I had a hearty breakfast at the Diner and then went for a run and now I'm just going to chill on the beach for the afternoon and enjoy the sunshine. I might even go for a swim. That sounds nice and refreshing. And I do feel better today than I have all week. I just wish that Joey was here to enjoy the day with me.

I wonder what she's doing today. Where is she? Does she ever get a day off from the trawler? I guess these are all questions I can ask her when she gets home in forty eight days. I can listen to her for hours, telling me all her stories. I can give her all the attention she deserves. Well, I hope so, anyway. I hope she'll come back and give me another chance.

The military police showed up first thing on Wednesday morning and took Roman away. I phoned Miles in the afternoon and he said that Nicole has moved in with him, Kirsty, Ollie and Jai and that she is pretty broken and uncommunicative. That poor, poor girl. Her Dad is going to be in jail for a long, long time.

The whole thing has sent shockwaves round the Bay. Leah can hardly believe what's happened and Aden looked pretty shocked when I saw him. I gather that he and Belle are back together though, which is a good thing. I think he is staying on in the house but the whole thing must be very complicated for all of them.

I feel sad about it all. Roman and I were close once. I mean, we weren't as close I had wanted to be and looking back now, the relationship was doomed from the start, but for a few months there, he was my boyfriend and I cared about him. I like to think that he cared about me too. It was so sad to see him being taken away.

And I'm not entirely sure what it says about me that two of the men I've been with over the last year, have unlawfully killed people. That's terrible! What kind of guy do I attract? And they're the people I dated most successfully! I had men that are capable of goodness knows what and then I had a woman who wasn't even capable of swatting a fly and I threw her away. My taste in men clearly sucks but I do have good taste in women. I'm just such a fuck up that I couldn't keep her.

Speaking of exes – Angelo was so chipper yesterday. Tony has invited him to go fishing with him at the weekend and he's as excited as a child. It's sweet – although it's also a little strange. I mean, it's good that Tony wants to move on but even if he was happy to forgive Angelo, I still wouldn't have thought he'd want to be his friend. And he's still struggling with something.

From what I gather, he took out a lot of aggression on a punch bag yesterday and Rachel is still very worried about him and his commitment to the baby. There was something or other going on about a scan. I don't know the details – Leah only said it in passing – but things don't seem to be going as well as they ought to be. But maybe if he does this fishing weekend with Angelo, he'll be able to put some of his demons to rest. I don't know. I hope so anyway. I feel sorry for both of them. Tony has lost his son and his best friend. And Angelo lives a life of guilt and punishment for Jack's accidental death. The whole thing is sad.

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 11<strong>**th**** June**

**21:40**

**Home**

I chilled out at the beach for the whole of the rest of the day and then took Ruby to dinner. It was nice to spend time with her. I feel like I have hardly seen her this week. She's been busy with school and Xavier and of course, I have been busy with work.

Apparently Hugo has confessed to Xavier that he does have feelings for Martha and that is why things have been so tense at home. And it's also why Martha has moved out to the farm. She feels weird around him and has said she doesn't feel the same. She loves Jack and refuses to betray his memory.

She did come to the station on Tuesday night when she heard about Hugo and Xavier's involvement with the whole Gardy thing so she must still care, even if she doesn't find the situation easy to deal with.

Well, I am going to bed now. And when I wake up, there will only be forty seven days left. It's like waiting for Christmas!

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 12<strong>**th**** June**

**22:03**

**Home**

It was another pretty long day at work. I was on my own for most of it, largely catching up on paperwork. Angelo wasn't in and he's not in tomorrow.

I think tomorrow is when he is going fishing with Tony. I hope it goes well. I know that Angelo is longing for some kind of approval, some kind of peace over what happened. To be honest, I don't know if I could go as far as Tony seems to be but I won't knock it. I think it's brave and humble. It takes a bigger person to forgive than it takes to hate.

Do you hear that, Joey? Will you forgive me?

Roman was formally charged with armed robbery and assault today, as well as murder for what happened with Mark in Afghanistan. He will be a very old man before he gets to see the free light of day again. I feel so sorry for him. Not to mention poor Nicole.

Ruby said she saw her crying in Miles's arms this afternoon at school. Everyone is trying to be supportive and everything but at the end of the day, she's unfortunately facing this alone. It's her Dad that's been taken away. It's her that now has to live with Miles, Kirsty, Jai and Ollie. And although I know they will treat her really well, it's still not home, is it? We haven't always seen eye to eye but she's a nice girl. I hope she'll be okay.

Tomorrow would have been mine and Joey's second anniversary. I feel sick about it, wondering what we might have planned to do together and how happy we could have been. I wish so much that I hadn't messed everything up. I wish I could make things right.

Well, here's hoping that in forty seven days, I will get that chance. The days are creeping closer and my heart is aching harder. We might be missing tomorrow but I'm damned if I'm not going to have other special days to look forward to with my girl. And she might not be here right now but she is still my girl. She always will be. I love her more than I thought it was possible to love anyone who isn't your family – like I love Ruby and Dad for example – but I do. I love her with every beat of my heart. And I am going to spend the next forever proving it to her if she'll let me.

Oh, in brighter news, Tony and Rachel are having a baby boy! How exciting is that? I'm really happy for them. Maybe Joey and I will have babies one day... Woah, Charlie! One step at a time! You have to win her back first!

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 13<strong>**th**** June**

**21:09**

**Home**

It's been one hell of day. I thought the hardest thing about today would be that it should have been mine and Joey's anniversary. And that was definitely difficult. But the worst was yet to come. I'm still trying to process everything to be honest.

I busied myself by working all day. Last month, everything was too raw and I knew I'd never be able to concentrate on work. This month, I've had to throw myself into it. I honestly don't know how much more I can cry for her. Surely a person has to run out of tears at some point? But I know I just would have wept for my darling Joey if I'd been left to my own devices. So I went to work.

It started off as a pretty easy shift. I ran into Miles on the beach and we talked a bit about Roman. I still feel so sad about the whole thing and as his best friend, I know Miles does too. Plus, the fact that Gardy has got away with everything scot free, makes me pretty sick. I hope we find him one day and bring him to justice. Bastard.

Anyway, while I was talking with Miles, this woman called May came along. She's just started as a teacher at Summer Bay High and she's renting a van from Miles. And apparently the woman doesn't waste any time. One day in the Bay and she already went on a date – with Angelo of all people. I'm still trying to figure out how I feel about that but I know it's not good. And in light of everything that happened today, that feels uncharitable but I can't help it.

I guess I felt like Angelo and I were in this pit of misery together. He's a mess over killing Jack and hurting Martha and Tony and everyone. And I'm constantly feeling the need to punish myself for hurting and losing Joey. I suppose I thought Angelo and I understood each other somehow, even though he doesn't actually know about Joey. He knows I went through a bad break up but I'm not sure how clear he is on the details. If he does know everything, he hasn't said – although to be honest, I haven't really given him the chance. I think what I mean is... I'm jealous.

I'm jealous that he can kill a man and move onto happiness so quickly. And I know, bearing in mind what happened today, that he's not happy. But getting a girlfriend is a start, isn't it? And she seems to dote on him already. I made a terrible mistake but I didn't kill anyone. And yet I've lost everything. Angelo killed Jack but still has the freedom to enjoy his life. I cheated on Joey and I feel like unless she comes back, I'll never be happy again.

Maybe the wait is getting to me more than I thought. In some ways, forty six das seems so few with all the days I have already done. But in other ways, it feels too damn far away. I'm absolutely lost without her.

Anyway, Angelo went on his fishing trip with Tony today. Alarm bells went off though when Martha told Hugo that today would have been Jack's birthday. Between him, her and Alf, they realised that something was wrong. Martha came to me and we followed Alf and Hugo up to the point that the boys were meant to be fishing. It was on a cliff edge and right near Jack's grave.

Martha had been understandably upset that Tony was befriending Angelo but it all turned out to be a big, fat lie anyway. When we found them, they were wrestling on the cliff edge. Tony had led Angelo up there to kill him, to make him pay for what he did to Jack. And by the time we got there, Angelo had given up and told Tony to do what he needed to do. I watched the whole thing in some kind of horrific slow motion. I feel sick just thinking about it now. Tony was holding Angelo over the cliff edge. Martha was pleading with Tony to bring him back up. But Angelo was just hanging there, not fighting, not pleading with his life, nothing. He was actually willing Tony to let go. Eventually, Tony started to pull him back up.

Alf and Hugo arrived and Hugo helped Tony bring Angelo to safety. Then Alf told Tony he was needed at the hospital. Rachel had been taken in with bleeding and premature contractions or something. I hear that she and the baby are fine now though. And she didn't go into labour for real.

The whole thing left me in a predicament though. I was an on duty police officer and I had seen someone trying to kill someone else. I was obliged to take Tony in but Angelo vehemently told me not to. I relented and let him go to the hospital to be with poor Rachel but insisted that he had to appear at the station afterwards.

Angelo refused to make a statement anyway and no charges have been brought. And while I understand where Tony is coming from, the whole thing makes me sick. I know he is grieving and I know Angelo ACCIDENTALLY killed his son but to behave like that? To deliberately hurt someone? To want to end their life? It was so cold and calculated. And it just didn't seem like the Tony I know. Fortunately, the Tony we do all know came through and he pulled Angelo up at the last minute. That's got to be a blessing, right?

I found Angelo on the beach later and he was pretty broken. I asked why he gave up like that and he said he's tired of the guilt he has to live with each and every day. I get that. I know it's a different situation but I can relate. Maybe the difference is that Angelo can't right his wrongs really. He can try and redeem himself but he can't bring Jack back to life.

I honestly don't know how I would feel if Joey had just walked out on me, if I didn't have a chance to prove myself. If she didn't come home... if she wasn't willing to forgive me... if my situation was as hopeless as Angelo's then I think I would actually lose the plot. It doesn't even bear thinking about.

I tried to encourage him to forgive himself and said that people won't forgive him unless he manages to move on with his life. He says it's too hard. He's plagued with guilt and his mere existence prevents Martha and Tony from moving on. I chose not to point out that if he was that worried about it then he shouldn't have come back to the Bay. He says he was forced back and didn't have a choice about where he was stationed and there were mitigating circumstances but I'm confident that he could have got out of it if he'd wanted to.

Anyway, he was still bleeding from the cliff top so I took him to the hospital. He wanted to know why I'm being so nice to him. I tried not to be offended. I'm sure, of all people in the Bay, I have always (more or less) been nice to him.

But I also know that I'm feeling guilty about judging his happiness with that May woman. I feel bad because I shouldn't want him or anyone to be miserable. To be honest, I do hope he can pick his life back up. But only so long as I can pick mine up too. If I was with Joey again, I'd be happy for him to find love with May. But all the while I'm feeling bereft over what I've lost... well, they say misery loves company. And as far as misery is concerned, he really is the best.

And apparently I'm not the only one who objects to him and this woman. When they went on their date last night, Tony came over, apparently to rearrange the time of their fishing trip. And when they decided to leave at four in the morning, he all but ordered Angelo to finish his date early. Retrospectively, Angelo thinks it was because Tony hated seeing him have a good time after what he'd done to Jack.

I left Angelo at the hospital with May fussing all around him and went back to work. Tony showed up but I told him no charges would be brought against him for what happened. I carried on working until five and I've been hiding out at home ever since.

Today was pretty scary, I must admit. Angelo really nearly died. It just got me thinking about how, if something happened to me, I might never get the chance to make things right with Joey. I would never get to chance to let her know how much I love her.

Happy anniversary my darling. I'll see you in forty six days. I love you.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 14<strong>**th**** June**

**12:31**

**The Beach**

I've got the day off today and I'm doing my best to enjoy it. But it's hard to enjoy anything without Joey. I was skipping back through last year's diary and I realised that today was the first day I ever laid eyes on her. I didn't make the connection for a while but the first time I saw her, she was outside her house putting the rubbish out. And well, the rest, as they say, is history.

I never thought I'd see the day where I was jealous of my own daughter but Ruby and Xavier are so happy together. Even with Xavier stressing over Hugo and Martha being awkward around each other, they are such a tight couple. I just want that for myself.

It's not something I have ever, ever wanted before. I've never trusted someone enough and I've certainly never had a successful enough relationship to make it work like Rubes and Xavier do. Except Joey. I trusted her and I loved her and I still screwed it all up. I just hope she will give me a second chance. Forty five days and counting.

Please come home sooner, my love.

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Charlie visits Ross and Morag, Ruby and Xavier help Jai with a project and Donna comes under suspicion as Lou is laid to rest…<em>


	56. Chapter 56

**Chapter Fifty Six**

**Monday 15****th**** June**

**20:11**

**Dad and Morag's House**

I had another couple of days off work so yesterday, I decided to come into the city and see Dad and Morag. I'm heading home tomorrow and then it's back to work on Wednesday. It's been really nice to spend time with Dad. We talked a lot.

I feel like we talk more now than we ever did when I was younger – before he was sick. I wish our current closeness hadn't come at such a price though. His mind is deteriorating and he will slowly fade away from us completely. Time is running out and I can't bear it. It feels so much these days like I'm wasting time with everything. Dad's fading away and I'm only just building a relationship with him.

Ruby is growing up far too fast for my liking. I can hardly believe she'll be sixteen next week. How could I be a mother to sixteen year old? That's just scary. And she doesn't even know who I'm meant to be to her anyway. Am I missing out on a mother daughter relationship with her? Or would her discovering the truth only destroy what we already have?

Not to mention Joey. I've lost so much time with her. It's the middle of June and she left right at the beginning of May. I've wasted so much time not being with her, and I have forty four days left to live without her in my arms.

And that's assuming that she'll come back and want to be with me again. She could easily decide that I'm not worth it. Well, I'm not, am I? I just hope, despite what I did, she can see something good in me still. I hope we can stop wasting time and be together again.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 16<strong>**th**** June**

**16:09**

**Home**

I just got in from my trip. I'm going to have dinner with Rubes tonight. She couldn't come to Dad's because of school and when I go without her, she is always eager to hear in detail how he's doing. Plus, I don't like too many days to go by without seeing her properly. If I couldn't be a big part of my girl's life, I don't know how I would live. I love her so much.

Right, well, now I'm going to have a nice, hot bath and unpack. My plan is to be completely relaxed in time for a hard day at work tomorrow.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 17<strong>**th**** June**

**21:58**

**Home**

I had a nice dinner with Ruby last night. We had a proper catch up and I updated her on how Dad is. She seems to be a really good space at the moment, although she is worryingly in love with Xavier. She seems absolutely besotted, which is nice for her but I'm concerned. She's approaching sixteen. Very soon. Too soon. What if she decides she wants to take things further or something? No. No, she wouldn't do that, would she?

She told me this evening that she and Xavier are participating in Jai's short film for the Summer Bay Film Festival. It's a kissing scene or something, which unnerves me. Apparently Jai and Annie were supposed to do it but Annie didn't want to so Ruby and Xavier stepped in. Again, I'm concerned. But I'll keep a lid on it until I think there's a real problem. And I doubt she'd do anything sexual without talking to me first. Well, I hope she wouldn't anyway. We can usually talk about anything so hopefully that hasn't changed somewhere along the way.

I was back at work today and it was fine. Angelo was pretty quiet. I think he's still trying to come to terms with what happened with Tony at the weekend. It must have really shaken him up.

But apparently he and that May woman are a thing now. I'm trying hard to be happy for him but I'm not quite there yet. When Joey comes home, I'm sure I won't hesitate in being happy for anybody but until then, I think I'll have to stay bitter and twisted.

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 18<strong>**th**** June**

**20:01**

**Home**

It was Lou's funeral today and I gather it didn't all go well. Apparently, Donna told Irene the wrong time so she missed it. Poor Irene. I can't even begin to imagine how she feels right now. Losing the love of your life is bad enough, especially to death. But then to be charged with his murder. And then to get the charges dropped but still not be permitted to grieve properly for all you've lost...? Hell. Pure hell.

Ruby said all hasn't been well at the house either. Irene has been drinking, although she is off it now and attending AA meetings. But she and Annie fell out over something or other and, well, the whole situation is just awful. I hope we are able to bring Lou's killer to justice once and for all. And then maybe Irene will be able to find some kind of peace.

Kirsty flipped her lid today when she found Nicole in bed with Trey. Apparently all they did was sleep but I find the whole thing unnerving. Nicole is only a kid. She might think she's a grown up but she isn't. She's doing too much, too young. I know she slept with Geoff and he wasn't her first. And now she appears to be sexually active with Trey. It's worrying. And I really hope that Ruby doesn't decide to follow her example.

My first sexual experience was the worst moment of my life. I didn't consent and I was far too young. I thought it was going to scare me away from guys forever and for a while, it did. And it definitely fucked me up for relationships. I know that much.

Joey was my one shot at redemption. She was the single person I could ever have fallen in love with. I've never loved anyone before and I won't love anyone in the future – even if she doesn't come home. I can't do it. I don't know how. But I could and did love Joey. I still do. And I still messed it up.

I don't know what my point was there. I appear to be doing my usual and going off on a tangent. I can't seem to help it! But anyway, yes, I hope Ruby doesn't get any ideas.

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 19<strong>**th**** June**

**22:13**

**Home**

Well, it's a delightful Friday night and I'm all by myself. The love of my life is somewhere out on the ocean and she may or may not care about me. I'm still dreaming of the day that she'll walk back into my life but I'm painfully aware that it might not happen.

I made the mistake of going to the Surf Club for a few beers tonight and now I am feeling maudlin. I have phoned Joey's voicemail too many times – never leaving messages, just desperate to hear her lovely voice.

Oh, Joey, when are you coming home? I love you. I miss you. I need you.

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 20<strong>**th**** June**

**21:44**

**Home**

I battled work with a bit of a hangover today. I shouldn't have had those beers. I wasn't drunk... just melancholy. Every time I think I'm picking myself back up, I realise that I'm not. I'm good at pretending but my heart is aching every moment I let myself stop and think. I miss Joey so much.

Please, my darling... please come home. I need you.

Ugh, I have to stop making myself feel worse. Right... um... what have I been doing? Working, mainly. Fortunately (or unfortunately, as the case may be), things have been pretty quiet. We've been working hard on the Lou DeBono murder case but we haven't come up with anything yet. It's a mystery.

Irene came to Angelo yesterday with a theory that Donna paid a prison guard off to supply her with booze while she was inside. But the officer denied it and we haven't got tangible proof. We'll keep our minds open about it though. We'll stay on the lookout. Judging by Donna's behaviour, it wouldn't surprise me if she had done that. She seems determined to bring poor Irene down any which way she can.

In more positive news, Ruby says that Irene and Annie have made up, although apparently Geoff and Claudia are struggling to live together.

Speaking of living arrangements, Aden has moved back into Roman's house. Apparently it was Roman's idea. He still has a mortgage to pay and it seems a shame to leave the house to go to waste. Nicole wasn't very impressed at not being invited back too but she's still in school. She's a dependent and she needs looking after.

But I gather that Aden has asked Belle to move in with him. I think that's nice. After everything they have been through together, it's great that the pair of them are finally happy together. I hope I get to find my own happiness one day. In approximately thirty eight days, maybe I will be. Here's hoping!

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Nicole is the victim of a sex tape, Ruby plans to lose her virginity to Xavier on her 16<em>_th__ birthday and after a terrible day, Charlie sleeps with Angelo…_


	57. Chapter 57

**Chapter Fifty Seven**

**Monday 22****nd**** June**

**17:02**

**The Diner**

I'm just waiting for Ruby to show up for dinner. I'm looking forward to spending the evening with her. Honestly, I feel so lonely these days. Maybe that's part of my resentment about Angelo finding a new romance. At least when I was lonely, he was too. And sometimes it was nice to hang out together.

I will never forget that Jack died at Angelo's hands. But I do believe it was an accident. He handled it badly but I don't think it was murder. Maybe he should still be in jail, maybe not. I don't know. But I do consider him a friend now.

Well, I can't be that much of a friend because I clearly don't want him to be happy! But it's not like that. I guess I just don't want to be sad all by myself. It was easier being sad when he was sad too. But he seems pretty happy these days. He seems to be getting his life back on track.

It looks like Donna may have been involved in Lou's murder. Gibbsy (Joey's old boss) handed over some paperwork to Irene and in it, she found some photos of her and Lou, taken by a private detective. It turns out that Donna hired a detective to spy on them and the last lot of photos were taken only a couple of days before Lou died. That means that Donna knew where they were when Lou was killed. And with her vendetta against Irene, contesting the will and the suspicion that she paid an officer to supply Irene with alcohol, things aren't looking good for her. But it looks like we're finally getting somewhere on the case. Justice might prevail after all.

Well, Rubes is here so I'd better go.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 23<strong>**rd**** June**

**23:56**

**Home**

What a damn long day! I am so tired. I feel like I could sleep forever. But I don't have another day off for a while. That'll teach me to take three all in a row.

Work was pretty busy. It started with a report that Irene's (formerly Lou's) trawler had been sunk. We had to get a team to raise it and put it somewhere safe because other vessels were in danger because of it.

I hate doing work down at the docks. It just reminds me too much of Joey. Not to mention that it now means that Aden and the rest of the crew Joey used to work for are now out of jobs because of it. I mean, I know she wasn't working for them by the time she left but that's essentially where I met her. The beach, the docks, boats, water... it all reminds me of my darling. I'm still counting the days until she comes home to me.

When Angelo went round to talk to Irene about the trawler, she immediately accused Donna of being responsible and the chances are, she's right. We've since brought Donna in on suspicion of murder. She doesn't have a proper alibi for where she was on the night that Lou died, plus she knew where he was because of the private detective and now it turns out that she took a boat out for two days by herself at the time of the murder. It's all looking pretty murky really.

The biggest scandal of the day was Nicole and Trey. Half the reason I'm up so late is because Ruby is spitting feathers about it. She found me having dinner with Angelo and when May showed up too, I escaped with Ruby. The last thing I want is to be a third wheel right about now. I have enough reminders in the day that I am a (sort of) single woman. I mean, do I count as single? My heart is firmly attached to someone. I just don't know if she's attached to me anymore.

Anyway, Ruby found out this morning that Trey had (apparently accidentally) filmed him and Nicole having sex. Jai found it and panicked. He talked it through with Trey who convinced him to give him the memory card so that he could wipe it. But when Jai and Xavier told Rubes about it, she understandably panicked. Like most of us, she doesn't trust Trey as far as she could throw him. Anyway, Jai tried and failed to get the memory card back and Trey refused to tell Nicole what had happened. Jai wussed out of telling her too so it was down to Ruby. Poor Nicole was mortified, as you'd expect. I mean, she needs this like a hole in the head after everything that's been going on for her lately.

On Ruby's advice, Nicole confronted Trey who insisted it was an accident. It was something to do with them recording something anyway and him leaving the tape on. It all seems a bit suspicious to me. But then he admitted that he was tempted to show it to his mates because they've been hassling him about being all talk when it comes to sex. Nicole slapped him and stormed off. And then I gather he saw her being comforted by Geoff.

Anyway, he reacted by swapping the first film for the festival with the sex tape so that half the people in Summer Bay could see poor Nicole in all her glory. Ruby wants to know if we can charge Trey with something. I'm working on it. What a fucking bastard. How can you propose to care about someone and then humiliate them like that? Not that I'm one to talk but at least I didn't hurt Joey for the sake of it. I didn't do it to be vindictive. And I hate myself for hurting her the way I did. If I could take it back, I would. But Trey's actions were cold and calculated.

Angelo noticed that I wasn't very with it today. I've been feeling really down these last few days. Well, I've been feeling down ever since I lost Joey but even more so this week. I think it's because I've hit the half way mark and it still feels like I have got so far to go. Thirty six days to be precise. I'm getting there. I know we're getting closer. But her return still feels so damn far away. And I miss her so much.

So Angelo and I went to dinner and it was actually really nice. I didn't tell him anything about her but we talked a lot about him and I nagged him a little about getting counselling. I suggested it after the incident with Tony and he says he'll look into pursuing it.

Anyway, we had a good time until May showed up. Like I said, I didn't want to be a third wheel – especially when the whole reason I needed cheering up was because I was missing the love of my life. And she really is rather sickening and sappy! Ruby was a welcome distraction and I was more than happy to go home with her and dissect the Nicole and Trey situation.

Well, I'm pretty tired so I think I am going to bid you goodnight and turn in. Goodnight my beautiful Joey, wherever you might be.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 24<strong>**th**** June**

**19:18**

**The Surf Club**

Well, I totally fucked up today and I'm not entirely sure what to do about it. I feel really guilty. But I swear it wasn't my fault.

I ended up putting my foot in it with Angelo and May. I honestly didn't mean to. I thought he had told her about what happened with Jack but then, thinking about it, I guess that didn't make a whole lot of sense. It's not exactly the easiest thing to talk about, especially with someone he has only just started seeing. But at the time, I thought it made sense. I mean, it would have been better for her to hear it from him than from someone else. You know, someone like me!

Ugh, I feel so guilty. And it's only doubled by my lack of enthusiasm for his new relationship. I think I'm still jealous that's he's putting his life back together when my life is still on hold – and I'm sure killing someone (even by accident) is worse than cheating on someone. Perhaps not by much but at least by a little. Surely?

Anyway, it all started when I ran into May and she told me that Angelo had told her everything that had happened last time he lived in the Bay. I thought she meant the Jack thing but she was actually talking about me and Angelo dating for all of five minutes. Apparently she thought it was wonderful that he and I could still be friends. But I didn't twig. I guess it's because my former romantic liaison with Angelo was the last thing on my mind. So much has happened since then. If I feel weird around him at all, it's because of him killing a friend of mine, not because we've slept together. The only person I am thinking about right now is Joey. Angelo is but a distant memory.

So yeah, I put my foot in it. Angelo found out and laid into me, accusing me of stabbing him in the back just when he'd found out he was being permanently stationed with us. I was also in a fair bit of trouble for not actually passing the message on that the superintendent called. In fairness, I have been rushed off my feet all day. I tried to explain but he wasn't interested. He basically told me that we weren't friends anymore and he doesn't want anything to do with me on a non-professional level.

I feel sad about it. Angelo and I have developed a tentative friendship over the last month or so but I guess that's ruined now. I don't know. Maybe if I was feeling so resentful about him and May it was only going to be doomed anyway. I hope not though. He's a sweet guy and he's worked so hard to build his life back up again – even if he was shitty with me. I guess I deserved it. But it was an accident! Anyway, he left and went to try and make things right with May. I don't know if he succeeded or not.

Okay, I've drunk two glasses of wine. I don't want to be sluggish for tomorrow so I am going to go for a walk and then I'm off home.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 24<strong>**th**** June**

**20:42**

**Home**

I spotted Angelo and May embracing when I went for my walk so I guess they have patched things up and she can accept him for his past. That's got to be good, right? Although, part of me feels sad.

I want to be accepted and loved like that. I want to be held and told that whatever bad things I've done, I'm cared about anyway. But Joey won't do that. She's gone. She's off sailing the seven seas and I'm left clinging onto what is proving to be a fading hope that in thirty five days, she'll come back to me. But I'm terrified that after all of this, she won't come home. And I honestly don't know what I'll do if that happens. I couldn't take it. I'm going to call her.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 24<strong>**th**** June**

**20:57**

**Home**

I called her and left a message. I rambled a bit but basically I told her that I loved her and I missed her and couldn't wait for her to come home. Then I confessed that I was desperately worried that she wasn't going to and begged her to let me know how she was feeling and what she was thinking. Then I rambled a bit more about how I feel about her. Shit. I hope I haven't done the wrong thing.

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 25<strong>**th**** June**

**21:48**

**Home**

I woke up feeling kind of sick about the message I left for Joey. What if she thinks I'm trying to force her into a decision or something that she's not ready for? I mean, she left for three months for a reason, one would assume. And she still has thirty four days left to clear her head. I'm terrified I've made some kind of mistake by contacting her. But who knows when she'll even hear the message anyway? Her phone is always off because she's always out at sea. I have no idea how she lives her day to day life and if or when she comes back to shore. I mean, I had that text and that birthday card so she must have been at some point, right? Who knows what's going on really? I certainly don't.

It was another long day at work but at least we think we have got Lou's murder solved. Donna must have done it. She has the weapon, the motive and the opportunity.

Things are pretty tense at school according to Ruby. Nicole didn't go in yesterday but John dragged Trey round to the house to get him to apologise to her. I don't think there are enough sorries in the world for what he did, are there? But apparently they're talking about Trey making a public apology at school. But although Nicole has agreed, I think it will take more than that, if she ever forgives him at all.

Oh, and apparently Miles and Kirsty are considering having kids together. Miles told Leah about it. I think it's nice. They seem to love each other a lot and they have been through so much together. Adding to their family might be exactly what they need. And if it makes Miles happy then I'm on board. He is most certainly someone who deserves joy in his life.

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 26<strong>**th**** June**

**15:34**

**Home**

Ruby is going to sleep with Xavier. I actually feel sick. I can't believe she's even thinking about this yet. She's just a baby. She _my _baby. I don't want her getting to know Xavier's boy parts and... ugh. No! She can't sleep with him. She's too young. I can't let her do it. How the hell am I going to stop her? I have to stop her. I have to.

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 26<strong>**th**** June**

**17:19**

**Home**

I tried to talk to Ruby about the Xavier thing again but she's not having a bar of it. I even went out and bought her the dress she told me she'd had her eye on for her party. But although she accepted the dress happily, she still won't change her mind about sleeping with Xavier. Their plan is to do it tomorrow after the party – for Ruby's sixteenth. At least they're waiting until she's legal. But no, I can't get behind this. I can't let my baby girl lose her virginity. It's just... I can't. And I don't have a fucking choice.

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 26<strong>**th**** June**

**20:10**

**Home**

Okay, I keep getting upset about this whole thing. And I still feel sick about it. But I guess I ought to explain how this whole horror story came about.

Ruby told me her plan to sleep with Xavier and I objected. Obviously. She isn't ready to sleep with him. I don't want her to do it. I feel like I might actually have a breakdown if she does! But she wouldn't listen to me so I asked Hugo to step in. He pretty much refused and either he or Xavier told Ruby that I'd interfered so she laid into me.

Ugh, apparently Hugo and Martha have been asked to be Godparents to Rachel and Tony's baby. Martha will be great but I already know Hugo will be shit. What kind of person lets their little brother have sex with a girl who's barely sixteen? How can my Ruby be ready to have sex? She can't be. I'm not ready for her to do it so she shouldn't be ready either!

Anyway, I bought the dress for Ruby and tried to talk to her about it but she won't budge. And I fear that the more I have a problem with it, the more she's going to dig her heels in. And then she might end up doing it for the wrong reasons. How awful would that be? Oh, this whole damn thing is awful. I can't stand this.

And she's being so nasty to me. She's berated me several times for my own bad sexual decisions, specifically referencing Hugo. That really hurt. She said something about me having sex with whoever I want whenever the mood takes me and that she's seen how miserable I am, having made those choices. Granted, she has a point but it was kind of harsh. And it definitely hurt. And it's at times like these that it hurts the most.

Joey, I need your help. I need you to listen. I need your love. Please, please come home.

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 27<strong>**th**** June**

**17:11**

**Home**

Joey's not coming home. I've lost her forever. I wish I was dead.

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 27<strong>**th**** June**

**17:14**

**Home**

How can she just leave me like that? Have I really fucked up this badly? Why won't she forgive me? Why won't she love me again? Please, Joey. I need you.

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 27<strong>**th**** June**

**17:31**

**Home**

I just left a message on her phone. It rang this time but she didn't pick up. I left a voice mail. Maybe that was what prompted her decision. You know, the last message I left. Maybe it was too much. I hate myself.

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 27<strong>**th**** June**

**18:01**

**Home**

I have no idea what I'm meant to be doing. It's Ruby's sixteenth birthday and she's already gone off to her party, after which she's going to screw Xavier. My baby is going to lose her virginity when I am certain that she isn't ready. And her slut mother has lost everything.

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 27<strong>**th**** June**

**19:03**

**Home**

I've drunk too much already. I'm trying to push past the vomit urges and enjoy the drunkenness. Maybe I can forget myself for a night. Joey's forgotten me after all. And gladly.

I should always have known that someone as incredible as Joey would never be with me. I mean, she could have any woman she wants. Why go for a fuck up like me who's so damn stupid she freaked out and cheated on her?

Maybe I can drink myself to death. I wonder if that takes longer than a night. I think I might try and find out.

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 27<strong>**th**** June**

**22:39**

**Home**

I've actually drunk myself sober. How is this possible? I feel like shit.

I wonder if I hate myself as much as Joey hates me. She didn't even try to work it through. Was she always going to do this? I mean, had she intended on saying goodbye? Maybe she just said the stupid three month thing because she felt bad about how upset I was. Maybe she was never even considering coming back to me. And why would she? I never deserved her in the first place.

I feel sick. I'm going for a walk.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 28<strong>**th**** June**

**07:23**

**The Beach**

I slept with Angelo. I wound up at his apartment, threw myself at him and fucked him in his bed. I didn't think it was actually possible to hate myself more than I did last night but well done, Charlie, this morning, you've even more of a slut than you were before.

I've got to say, it's pretty impressive. You've spent your life falling into bed with guys you shouldn't have, including Roman when you hardly knew him and Angelo (the first time round). Then you finally fall in love for real and you have the most perfect partner in the world. But you screwed Hugo behind her back and you lost her. She tells you that she's not coming back, after you've waited nearly two months and what do you do? You screw someone you're not even interested in. Yep. Good going. Your shining fucking moment. Why don't you just get it over with and drown yourself? The sea is right there. Go for it.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 28<strong>**th**** June**

**12:31**

**Country Park**

I had to drive out and be by myself. I need to clear my head and try to think. I can't even contain how I feel about all of this. Why on earth did I sleep with Angelo? How did I ever think that could be a good idea? And why did the bastard even let me? He's meant to be with May! He's been wandering round town in a sappy, happy daze because he's met someone he really likes. Why on earth did he let me go to bed with him? And why the hell did I do it? I clearly haven't learnt my lesson. I really thought I'd changed. I really thought I could be the person Joey deserved. I've been holding onto it for almost two months, dreaming of that day when she would come home to me and we'd start again. But I guess when I realised I'd really lost her last night, I lost myself. Joey's not coming home. She doesn't want to be with me. And I can't say I blame her.

It was Ruby's birthday yesterday and I was freaking out over her sleeping with Xavier and losing her precious virginity. I guess I didn't want her to grow up and virginity is something I battle with, considering how painfully mine was stolen from me. And as it turned out, they didn't do it anyway. I met Ruby for breakfast this morning and she told me that the party didn't quite go to plan. She realised that Xavier had told a few people about their plan and their mates were gossiping. She got mad at Xavier and called the whole thing off but then he told her that he loved her. She says she loves him too and they had a perfect night together, but decided that it wasn't the right time to make love for the first time. They still want to do it at some point but not quite yet.

Up until I got home, I'd sort of had a good day. On Angelo's advice, I made peace with Ruby and told her to do what she felt was the right thing. And I apologised to May for accidentally interfering in her relationship with Angelo and she forgave me. I genuinely meant to finish my shift and show my face at the party. Part of me is glad that I didn't get there because apparently the punch was spiked (presumably by Trey who had shown up to try and talk to Nicole). I would have had to go into cop mode and broken it up, which I was in no fit state to do. Ruby said that Annie and Jai accidentally ended up tipsy and when Jai started asking when he and Annie would be ready to have sex, she broke up with him.

But when I got home, there was a letter waiting for me. I'd been up and out early that morning so I missed the post. And I recognised Joey's handwriting immediately. I was actually shaking when I hid away and opened it. And then my heart broke. It actually physically hurt. I wanted to throw up but I just cried my eyes out and proceeded to get drunk. She wrote:

_My dearest Charlie,_

_I know it's a cliché but this is the hardest letter I've ever had to write. I came back to land for the night and I picked up your voice mail. It sounds like you're really struggling and it made me worry. I still have a month left on this job but I think I'm going to extend my contract. I'm sorry, Charlie, but I'm not coming home._

_These two months have been so hard for me. I've missed you for every moment of every day and I know that I will love you forever. But I can't face coming home. After everything that happened in Summer Bay – and not just with you – I can't return. It's just going to be too hard._

_I received a letter to say that I don't have to appear in court as Robbo has changed his plea to guilty. I don't think I need to tell you what a relief that is. Knowing I don't have to face that has helped me make the decision to stay away._

_I loved you so much, Charlie and I know you regret it but you broke my heart time and again. And I guess that last time was just too much. I'm not sure I will ever heal from what happened. I still have so many questions but I don't want them answered. I just want to be able to put my demons to one side and move on with my life._

_And I think you need to do the same. I played your message over and over again and I just wept for hours. I hate to think of you so sad and so desperate for me to come back. Regardless of what happened between us, I want you to be happy, Charlie. I want you to forgive yourself for what happened and move on. I don't want you hanging around in limbo. Honestly, I'm not that special. You'd do well to forget me now._

_What we had was amazing, Charlie. And despite what happened, I will look back on our relationship with fondness and affection. Everything still hurts so much right now but I know we'll both be okay. I'm sorry if this letter hurts you but I don't want you hanging around and waiting for me for any longer than you have to._

_I hope that you are doing well, otherwise. And I hope that you find love again one day. I hope you'll still hold me dear in your heart but I hope you learn to be happy without me. And that you find someone who really deserves you, someone that won't come with all the issues we had to deal with. And maybe one day, you'll cope with a slightly differing sexuality to the norm._

_I love you, Charlie. And I have missed you every day. I think I will miss you forever. And I will love you for longer still. I wish it could have been a different way but in my heart of hearts, I believe this is for the best._

_All my love,_

_Joey_

_xx_

I've read it so many times and it seems to hurt more rather than less. I still don't know what I was thinking last night or even how I rocked up at Angelo's door. But I guess when the booze didn't help, I tried to forget myself the only way I know how. And no, it's not lost on me that this is exactly how I got into this mess in the first place.

Like Hugo, it wasn't even worth is. The sex itself was dire – much worse than I remembered and I ended up staying over and crying myself to sleep. I hurried out as quickly as possible this morning and went to write my diary on the beach first thing. I'd read the letter as soon as I got home so I hadn't even changed out of my uniform. So I was still in it this morning and that's what caught me out in a lie with Ruby.

We met for breakfast and she asked why I hadn't come to the party. I lied and said my shift finished too late and then lied again about my absence this morning by saying that I got up early and went for a swim. But big mouth Colleen told her that she'd seen me in uniform on the beach this morning.

Ruby confronted me about it, of course and I awkwardly admitted that I'd spent the night with Angelo. And now she thinks I'm disgusting too. She called me a hypocrite, after my reaction to her plan to sleep with a boyfriend that loved her. I have no defence.

Angelo has tried to get in touch a few times but I can't bring myself to talk to him. I just want to hide out here forever. It's a place that reminds me of Joey. But I guess I have to face the music sometime.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 28<strong>**th**** June**

**21:49**

**Home**

I'm hiding away in my room and I don't plan on surfacing any time soon.

I eventually returned to Summer Bay and Angelo caught up with me, wanting to know where we stand with each other. I was a bit creative with the truth. He said that he was really into me and would dump May in a heartbeat if I felt the same. But I only ended up with him because I was drunk and heartbroken over Joey. I didn't feel the need to tell him about that so I lied a bit and said I had feelings for him but I would never be able to cope with backlash from people like Martha and Tony if we were to become a couple.

Maybe it's kind of true. I mean, I find him attractive and I do like him a lot as a friend. I don't think it's more than that but maybe if Joey had never come into my life, that's how I would feel. I don't know.

He told me to let him know if I changed my mind but he accepted it. I guess it's a similar situation to how Joey and I were in the beginning. I was afraid of being with her because she was a woman. And my story is that I'm afraid to be with Angelo because he killed Jack. It's stupid really. Joey's gender wasn't a crime. I can't believe how badly I let her down. She adored me. She would have done anything for me. And I guess I just pushed her too far. Everyone has their limit, right?

There's no point counting down anymore but for the record, there would have been thirty one days left to wait.

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Ruby supports Charlie as she finds out about Joey's letter, Angelo comes down hard on Hugo and Xavier for a driving offence and Charlie struggles to cope without Joey…<em>


	58. Chapter 58

**Chapter Fifty Eight**

**Monday 29****th**** June**

**20:03**

**Home**

I was back at work today and things were pretty awkward between Angelo and I. I mostly avoided him, to be honest and it felt much like after the first time we ended up in bed. That was a nightmare mistake too. And I thought it could be redeemed because we did start sort of seeing each other after that. But then it was all cut short. Then Joey changed my life. And now I'm back to square one, I guess.

Ruby is giving me short shrift at home. Well, to be fair, I haven't exactly made myself available to talk to but I know that if she'd forgiven me for having sex with Angelo and hassling her about sex with Xavier, then she would have found a way to talk to me. Mostly she is just spending time with her boyfriend and her friends.

I heard on the grapevine that that boy, Lachie ended up in hospital yesterday during a football match against Geoff and Aden's team. He and Geoff tackled each other and now Lachie can't feel his legs. Nobody knows if it's permanent or not but hopefully Geoff won't get into any kind of trouble about it.

Oh, and apparently Belle had some kind of pregnancy scare. Speaking of, I'm relieved that I was sane enough to make Angelo use protection. Ugh, can you imagine a baby Angelo or Charlie running around the place? I think my head would explode for more reasons than I can even explain.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 30<strong>**th**** June**

**23:06**

**Home**

Ruby knocked on my door when I got back from work and we had a proper talk. She said that she couldn't believe I'd slept with Angelo, not only after everything he had done but also because I was meant to be waiting for Joey to come home.

When she wondered if I'd stopped loving Joey, I broke down and showed her the letter. She cried and admitted that she had been longing for Joey to come back and for us to start again. She was really sweet actually and held me for quite a long time while I wept.

Sometimes I don't think I will ever stop crying. I didn't think it was possible to think about Joey any more than I have been since she left but it's like I've lost her all over again. I guess I have. There was still hope this time a few days ago but all of that is gone now. She won't be with me again and she's not coming home. I still wonder if I'll ever recover from this. I just hope she's okay.

Rubes distracted me with random news from her little gang. Apparently Claudia has told Geoff that the baby isn't his after all and they have broken up. Irene has permitted her to stay at the house for a few days but then she has to leave. Poor Geoff. He was so strung out to realise that he was going to be a teenage father and it was all a lie. I feel really sorry for him.

Trey made a public apology to Nicole during an assembly. Ruby said she took it well but a few of the kids, shockingly led by Jai, mocked him and threw things at him. I gather that Jai has been grounded. Ruby thinks that it was largely fuelled by his break up with Annie. They haven't even spoken since Ruby's birthday, which is making things awkward, considering Annie, Jai, Ruby and Xavier all hang around together as a group. It's a shame really. I thought Annie and Jai were quite sweet together.

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 2<strong>**nd**** July 2009**

**02:32**

**Home**

I am very, very drunk. Very drunk. Baaaaaad me! Drunk, drunk, drunk, drunk, drunk.

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 2<strong>**nd**** July**

**13:50**

**The Beach**

Ugh, I am so glad that I didn't have to work today! I still feel sick. After my random little diary entry last night, I decided to phone Joey. Her phone was off and I think I left about six different messages. I have no idea what I said but I don't think it was a good move somehow! I then proceeded to throw up. Poor Leah held my hair back. Ugh. I feel awful.

I had a difficult day anyway. Typically, I just couldn't get Joey off my mind. And then when I went to the Surf Club in the evening, I saw Angelo and May looking besotted and sappy on a date together. So I left, hit the bottle shop and proceeded to drink myself into oblivion. I can feel a downward spiral coming on. My self loathing is increasing by the second.

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 3<strong>**rd**** July**

**21:59**

**Home**

I worked all day today. I think that's what I should be doing every day of my life. If I never cease working then I don't have to think or feel anything about my personal life. I can fill the void and maybe stop missing Joey so much that I want to die. I know this isn't feasible and I'll just work myself into the ground until I get to the point where I can do nothing _but _think about her but maybe it's worth a shot. I have no earthly idea how I'm meant to break through the pain that I'm in.

Having said that, I am off work on Sunday and Ruby has decided that we need to do a shopping and movie trip. I know she's trying to help but I think it's going to take a hell of a lot more than that to get over losing the love of my life. I feel like an idiot when I look back and think about how cut up I was over losing Roman. My feelings for him were nothing compared to my feelings for her. My feelings for any ex partner, all put together, pales in comparison to Joey. I feel like I can't even breathe without her.

Rachel had a baby shower last night. I was invited but I didn't go. The last thing I want right now is to spend time with clucky women talking about babies. I don't deal with pregnancy discussions very well, having had such a horrible experience. And I try my best to forget the truth but every day that I see Ruby, I am reminded of everything I lost. And I'm full of regret over the decision we made when she was so young. If only I could have stepped up and been her Mum, who knows how things might have turned out? Maybe if I'd have taken the responsibility on at the time, I wouldn't be so messed up now. And maybe if I wasn't so messed up, I wouldn't have lost the person I was meant to spend the rest of my life with.

Angelo had a bit of a hard time today, although I'm sure his darling May kissed it all better. Yes, those are sour grapes you detect. But yesterday, he caught Xavier driving without a licence. He was with Hugo but without a permit, he was still breaking the law. In fairness, I probably would have let him off with a warning but I still would have had to do something if I caught them at it. But it was Angelo who found them. He fined Xavier and told him off, only fuelling the hatred that is directed at him from that particular family.

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 4<strong>**th**** July**

**12:43**

**Work**

I just got a text message from Joey. It says:

_Charlie, I am so sorry for hurting you. I wish things could be a different way. But I just can't see another way forward than saying goodbye. Love always, Joey xxx_

And now I can't stop crying. I texted back with:

_If you ever change your mind and feel able to forgive me, then I will be right here waiting for you. I love you so much and I will never forgive myself for losing you. Forever yours, Charlie xxx_

She hasn't replied. I don't think she will. I think this is it. Goodbye is the single saddest word in the world.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 5<strong>**th**** July**

**19:03**

**Home**

I had a nice day with Ruby. I still feel like my heart has been smashed in but she did well in trying to cheer me up. We shopped, we watched a romantic comedy and ate too much popcorn. We had a giggle and stopped for dinner on the way home where she forced me to have a proper talk with her.

She wanted to know where I stood with Angelo now and I explained that we were just friends and nothing like that was going to happen between us again. She also asked a lot about Joey. I cried again and I told her how much I loved her and wanted her to come home. But I think (hope) I'm starting to accept that that's not how it's going to go. Joey, quite rightfully, isn't coming back and I have to move on and try to live my life without her. How on earth I'm going to do that, I have no earthly idea. But I'll do my best. I guess that's all I can do.

I can't help but wonder where she is and how she's feeling now though. Is she as cut up about this as I am or has she done her crying now? I mean, I hurt her so badly. And if she loved me that much, then she'd come back, wouldn't she? So maybe she's okay. I'm torn between wanting her to feel awful and then maybe come back to me – but on the same token, I want her to be happy. I don't want her to suffer. If she really feels that this is the right thing, then I want to set her free. She's the most amazing woman in the world. I want so many good things to happen to her. I just regret that I won't be around to see them.

But it was nice to spend time with Rubes. As usual, she caught me up on all the gossip. Apparently Jai and Annie very nearly got back together but then she found him with some kind of naughty magazine or something and she ditched him again. Honestly, he's a teenage boy! Porn has never been my kind of thing but there's a market for it. He's a sixteen year old, hormonal virgin – of course he's going to be interested in that kind of thing. And apparently it wasn't even that bad. She totally overreacted, if you ask me. But then, I guess it was on the back of her feeling like he was pressuring her for sex. I don't think he was. But it just kind of looked like that.

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Charlie finds herself caught up in Hugo and Angelo's hatred for each other, Charlie drunk dials Joey and Aden is assaulted…<em>


	59. Chapter 59

**Chapter Fifty Nine**

**Monday 6****th**** July**

**21:42**

**Home**

I had a vaguely horrible day today. I'm doing my damndest to pick myself back up but I'm not really sure I'm doing it in the best way. For starters, I somehow ended up spending most of the day with Hugo. If Joey could have seen me, she would have hated me. But I guess that's the point. She's not here. And I can't keep living as if she's going to walk through that door. In twenty three days, there will be no happy ending. I'm never going to see her beautiful face again. She's gone. She doesn't love me anymore and she can't forgive me. So I guess it doesn't really matter who I spend my time with. If she doesn't give a shit, nor do I.

No, that's not fair. She does care. She said she loved me. And Joey Collins is nothing but honest. But she can't forgive me and I don't blame her. She gave me everything. She offered up her whole heart to me and I took it and trampled on it, when it was already so fragile. I'm just hoping that one day, this self hatred might lift a little. Otherwise, I don't know how I am ever going to heal.

It all kicked off with Angelo today. Honestly, that guy has a serious attitude problem. It all started the other day when he caught Hugo with a knife which had clearly slashed his tires. It was pretty easy to work out that Hugo was covering for Xavier. I suspected all along but Angelo figured it out then. He demanded that Xavier show up at the police station this morning and then he kicked off because he didn't. Hugo took Xavier and Jai to the farm instead to keep them out of trouble and he begged me to help calm Angelo down. It didn't work. In fact, I can officially say that I made it ten times worse, if not more.

I'd woken up early, having had some heartbreaking dreams about Joey that left me crying in my sleep. So I tried to make the best of my early start by going to the gym and taking out all my pain on a punch bag. Unfortunately, I don't think there are enough punch bags in the world to make this better.

Anyway, he asked me to try and convince Angelo drop the charges. I spoke to him as soon as we got into work but he stubbornly refused. I tried again and then he accused me of seeing Hugo. I denied it but my face must have changed. It's not exactly the easiest topic in the world for me right now.

No, Angelo, I am not seeing Hugo. I was seeing this incredible person called Joey who I loved with all my heart. But the thing is, she was a girl and I couldn't handle being labelled queer so I fucked Hugo and then she dumped me and ran away. I'm sure that would go down like a tonne of bricks.

Perhaps I could even throw in that I slept with him the other night, thus causing him to cheat on his girlfriend because Joey broke up with me once and for all and it was either that or fill my pockets with rocks and wade out to sea. Retrospectively, I think I should have done that instead.

The fact that we went to bed together last week just makes me feel sick. And it's making working with him feel like hell. Yep, those rocks would have been a damn good idea. Everyone would be better off without me anyway.

* * *

><p><strong>Monday 6<strong>**th**** July**

**23:04**

**Home**

Okay, I possibly cut off a bit dramatically earlier. Bad timing. But I started crying and smearing the page and I couldn't cope. So I cuddled up with Joey's hoodie and wept for a while.

Since then, I have scoured my room and put everything Joey related in a box. I'll keep it but I can't have it hanging around the place like this. Every time I walk into the room I can feel her. And then I feel like I can't breathe. So now my Joey memorabilia is in a box under the bed and I will try to resist getting too melancholy and looking through it all every chance I get.

I've left the hoodie in the wardrobe though. But it's at the back. It still smells like her, even after all this time. I hope the scent never goes away, although I guess it will eventually get pretty musty if I never wash it. But I can't stick it in the machine. Then it will lose its Joey-ness and that would destroy me all over again. I wonder if I will ever be able to let her go.

Anyway, Angelo accused me of seeing Hugo. I denied it. I mean, as if I could feel like this over Hugo Austin. Or anyone. Anyone but my beautiful Joey. I mean, I think Hugo's nice and everything but, breaking my heart over him? I don't think so. Besides, my heart would have to heal before I could break it over someone else. And my heart will never heal.

But back to the point. After I denied that I was seeing Hugo, Angelo asked if I'd slept with him. Well, I couldn't deny that, could I? Everyone knows that I did and everyone knows how much it cost me. Anyway, Angelo was pissed off and he stormed away, trying to track some illegal abalone or something. I wasn't too clear on the details. He was too busy flouncing.

I gather that when Hugo didn't bring Xavier to the police station but sent him and Jai down to the farm to help Martha, an already irate Angelo flipped his lid. He stormed round to see Hugo who very limply tried to get in touch with his brother. Then Angelo decided that he'd go down to the farm and collect Xavier himself, which obviously wasn't good for Martha. When I saw her later, she was very subdued and edgy. She seemed to be looking at me like I had done something wrong but I'm sure I haven't. Have I?

Hugo arranged to meet Angelo and Xavier at the station and Angelo was very stubborn and unrelenting with the poor kid. I guess he has a point though. I mean, he's been repeatedly slashing his tires ever since he arrived back in the Bay. But then, in a warped kind of way, I suppose he is just trying to protect his family. They all hate Angelo. Accident or not, Angelo killed Martha's husband, Hugo and Xavier's cousin and then he lied about it. Of course they hate him. It's not something you can forgive easily, is it?

But I feel sad for Angelo (well, I would if he wasn't being such an arse) because I know full well how it feels not to be granted forgiveness for something you've done wrong. Okay, I am not going there again. I can't keep crying. I don't have the energy.

But anyway, as an apology for causing me to fall out with Angelo (like we needed help!), Hugo invited me out for lunch. Angelo read Xavier the riot act and has warned him that it could lead to detention, but hopefully it won't come to that. His court date is in three weeks and I hope, for Ruby's sake if nothing else, that they go easy on him. And that he stops making such impulsive, stupid decisions. Yeah okay, pot – kettle – black – I know. I read it too.

Angelo got called out on that abalone case again and in that time, May showed up, full of her usual pep, looking for him. I know I sound bitter but honestly, she is a nice woman. I don't really understand why I don't want them to be happy. I mean, what kind of person does that make me? Okay, I'm _really _not going there! I already know I'm a waste of space. There is no need for analysis.

Hugo and I dropped Xavier back at the farm and then we went to the Surf Club for lunch. It was really nice actually. We had a good time and I laughed for what feels like the first time in forever. I'd finished my shift already so we unwound with a drink. I even talked a teeny, tiny bit about Joey. He apologised again for what happened between us and what it cost me. And he asked how things stood with Joey and me now. I told him that it was over and that Joey didn't want to be with me anymore. And then I rambled a little about how much I missed her and how I wished I could go back and do things right this time.

But I do understand why she's gone and I think I'd almost judge her if she took a shit like me back. I mean, she is the most beautiful person in the world. She could and should have anything she wants. And she absolutely deserves better than me.

I went back to Hugo's place with him and Martha came home just as I was hugging him goodbye. I feel like such a traitor over spending time with him really. But it's almost like I _needed _to do it. Perhaps it's my way of trying to say goodbye to Joey and let her go. I've mostly stayed away from Hugo while I've been waiting for Joey to come home. But if that's never going to happen then there's really no point in busting my butt trying to be perfect for her. She's never going to appreciate it, is she?

Martha was off with me again. Hugo said she was just shaken at having to see Angelo but I don't know. I feel like it was more than that. But I guess it's not my place to meddle. I'm best off leaving things well alone. Alone. Just like me.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 7<strong>**th**** July**

**19:02**

**Home**

It's been another weird day. And there's been a lot of drama for me – centred around Angelo and Hugo. I appear to sort of have feelings for Angelo. I don't really understand them and I don't know what they mean. They're certainly nothing compared to Joey but I guess it's there. If Joey was here then I wouldn't have so much as looked twice at him but we've spent a lot of time together and despite the circumstances, I've always cared about him. I'm not entirely sure what I feel or where I stand. And I don't think I actually want anything to happen. The whole thing is probably borne out of loneliness and heartbreak. I mean, the whole reason I slept with him the other night was because I was broken over Joey.

He was a bit of an arse all day. He thinks that Hugo and I are on together and he's had a bee in his bonnet about it for the last couple of days. And it's only fuelling his random hate of Hugo. He's now decided that the person responsible for bringing in all that abalone is Hugo and he grilled him about it today. I argued with him but it didn't do any good. I felt it was only right to warn Hugo about it though – and about his suspicions about us.

And I think maybe Martha has a problem with me too. I saw her this morning and she commented that we were back together. For one heart stopping moment, I thought she meant that she knew me and Angelo had slept together. But she means me and Hugo. Joey or no Joey, I could never ever be with Hugo, even if I did like him. I feel shitty enough that I have surprise feelings for Angelo without making it even worse. I feel so guilty about Joey but then I have to rather harshly remind myself that I shouldn't. We're not together anymore. She doesn't want to be with me and she doesn't love me. Would it even matter to her if I ended up with someone else? I mean, maybe she's met someone new too. How would I even know?

Anyway, Angelo has invited May to move in with him. Apparently she was struggling to find somewhere to live or something so he suggested they lived together. I tried to talk to him about it – it does seem strange that last week he cheated on her with me and this week he's pledging commitment to the relationship – but he shot me down. He started saying that I couldn't tell him what to do when I'm so messed up myself. Maybe he has a point.

I told him that I had feelings for him, although I didn't go into the complexity of the situation. I don't think that would have helped. But I did say that nothing could happen as long as he was with May. I don't think he'll be breaking up with her any time soon so I'm safe. I might have some kind of feelings for him but I don't want to date him. I don't want to be in a relationship with anyone that isn't Joey.

Yes, I know I can't have her. I know I missed my chance. But that doesn't mean I'm ready to move on just yet. Sometimes I don't think I will ever be ready. Joey means so much to me and I miss her every second. Why did I have to fuck up so badly?

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 8<strong>**th**** July**

**23:39**

**Home**

I took myself off to the city today to spend time with Dad and Morag. I was glad to get out of Summer Bay, to be honest. Working with Angelo is damn near impossible right now. The situation as I see it is that I'm in love with Joey but she doesn't want to be with me, I sort of have feelings for Angelo but that could easily (and probably) be because I'm trying to force myself to get over losing the love of my life, and I've told him that I can't be with him because of May. He doesn't know about Joey and I hope there isn't a genuine risk of him breaking up with his girlfriend to be with me. I might actually lose the plot if he does that. I like him. I find him attractive. He's a nice guy (when he drops the attitude). But I don't think I could ever be with someone who isn't Joey.

I wish, of course that I'd realised that part sooner. Then I wouldn't have cheated and subsequently lost her. And I wouldn't have screwed Angelo since either. But anyway, yes, I couldn't contemplate a relationship – especially not with him. Even without the Joey stuff, Martha and Tony and the rest of Jack's friends and family would hate me. And how terrible would it be if I couldn't be with Joey because she was a girl and then I started happily dating a killer? How hurt would she be if she ever found out? Not that she ever will. After all, she's dumped me for good now, hasn't she?

I really have to stop ringing her voicemail. It appears to have turned into an addiction. I'm not leaving crazy, weepy messages though. That's progress, right?

Anyway, it was nice spending time with Dad and escaping my life for a while. It's always hard because he is struggling more and more with his memory but he does his best and I try not to get stressed. I know his days are numbered really and that's hard to take. But I hope that he is happy, safe and well for as long as possible. I know we haven't always had the best of relationships but I love him so much and I always have.

I saw Ruby briefly when I got back and of course she wanted to know all about how Dad's doing. She sent me off with lots of hugs. She said there have been rumblings of argument or something between Annie and Jai and I got the feeling that she and Xavier have had a row or something. She wouldn't tell me what it was about though.

And that Claudia girl is still living with Irene. Geoff is really struggling. You can't blame him really. When he thought he'd got her pregnant, he was so willing to stand up and be a father even though he was so young and not ready for it. And now it's all been taken away from him.

I wonder if May has moved in with Angelo yet. But more importantly, I wonder where Joey is and what she's doing. Is she safe? Is she happy? Does she think about me even nearly as much as I think about her?

Oh Joey, please change your mind and come home. I'll do anything.

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 9<strong>**th**** July**

**20:03**

**Home**

It was another pretty gruelling day. I just feel so empty at the moment. I'm immersed in this constant wave of sadness. I can't lift myself out of it. It's like I'm floating through life and nothing can quite reach me. I almost don't feel anything at all. Just... emptiness.

While I was in the city yesterday, apparently Martha handed some guns into us. Xavier and Jai found them up at the farm and it turns out that they belonged to Geoff and Annie's grandfather.

And there were a tonne of problems up at the hospital between Geoff, Claudia and Lachie. I gather it's sorted itself out today though. Lachie has got the feeling back in his toes and looks set to make a full recovery. And Claudia has made peace with Geoff and broken up for good with Lachie. She's left town now, gone to stay with some relative to try and sort her life out.

The stingers won their football game today, although the victory seems to be in spite of Aden instead of thanks to him. He ended up nearly breaking Geoff's face and getting him sent off and then he just performed really badly. But Geoff came back right at the end and saved the day. It's strange really. I wonder what Aden's playing at. He's been wandering around town in the strangest mood.

I went for lunch with Watson today, which was nice. Working with Angelo is a continued nightmare. May seems to visit him _all _the time at work. And she is so perky. It's really irritating. I'm sure she's a nice person and everything but goodness, if I was that cheerful all day I think I'd give myself a headache! Still, maybe the two of them can make a go of things. And I will try and be happy about it. It's not the easiest thing in the world to do, being that I'm feeling so lost and, quite frankly, bitter right now. But hopefully I'll get there. In time.

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 10<strong>**th**** July**

**21:11**

**Home**

After I finished my diary last night, I thought it would be nice to open a bottle of wine. This turned out to be a bad move! I drank two bottles to myself, threw up, burst into tears and then stupidly phoned Joey.

I feel so guilty now though. She's trying to move on with her life and I'm refusing to let go. Yes, it feels like my life is over but it's not her fault. She would have happily stayed with me forever if I hadn't screwed it all up. I hurt her. She left and I'm to blame for it. And now I'm being a total bitch and trying to deny her the happiness she deserves. I shouldn't be calling her and leaving these dumb messages. I hardly even remember what I said but I think it was something along the lines of 'I love you, I miss you, I need you, please change your mind and come home'. She has not, thus far, responded. I doubt she will. And I have to stop trying to force the issue. It's not fair on her.

I struggled through work with a hangover. Ruby saw the state of me at breakfast and admitted she was worried about me. To be honest, _I'm _worried about me. But through that, she asked me to go to dinner with her. We just got home and we had a nice time, although I couldn't order anything too rich for fear of chucking up. But we had a good time and it was nice to catch up.

I was a bit disappointed to discover that she and Annie have started a petition to stop Trey going on this trek thing. If I remember rightly, it was his idea, back when they were all trying to figure out what to do with the money from Dan's fund. But because of what happened with Nicole, he appears to have lost everything. Every time I see him, he seems to be comfort eating. And don't get me wrong, I'm hardly his biggest fan but I do feel a bit sorry for him. He really hurt Nicole and he absolutely did the wrong thing with that sex tape but it must be awful to have no friends. And now a petition against you. But I guess Rubes and Annie are trying to do the right thing and support Nicole.

We talked a fair bit about Ruby and Xavier. She said things are going really well between them still but so far (thank goodness), there are no new plans for them to sleep together. I very much hope they will leave it as long as possible! Although, on the plus side, I guess if she is thinking about something like that, at least she's going to do it with a boy she loves and who loves her.

She asked about me and Joey and me and Angelo. I tried to explain my feelings about both of them but it's even more complicated when I say the words out loud. Nothing really makes sense anymore. One of the only things I am a hundred per cent sure of is that I want Joey back. But the other thing I'm sure of is that that's never going to happen.

Ruby told me that Joey sent her a birthday card. It doesn't surprise me. She's adorable like that. I mean, she even sent me a card – even after everything I did to her. I just hope she'll go on to have a happy life with someone who deserves her. I never did. And I could kick myself for it now.

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 11<strong>**th**** July**

**12:29**

**The Beach**

I'm on my lunch break from work. I'm on shift pretty much all weekend and don't get much of a break next week either. It's tiring but I think it's good for me. Aside from having to see so much of Angelo, it keeps me busy. And when I'm busy, I can't get as upset about Joey as I might otherwise do. I wonder where she is and what she's doing. Has she listened to my stupid voicemail? What will she think? Will she respond? Hey, you never know, she might find it in her heart to forgive me and come home. Yep, and pigs might fly.

Other than that, I've got nothing really to report. I still feel absolutely empty.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 12<strong>**th**** July**

**23:01**

**Home**

It was another long day at work today. I've got the day off tomorrow and I'm not sure it's a good idea. I requested it during a moment of melancholy, knowing it would have been mine and Joey's first anniversary. But thinking about it now, perhaps I should have just worked through it and tried to forget how happy I could have been with her.

And it seems like everyone is happy but me at the moment. Kirsty and Miles are trying for a baby, although Leah came home a bit suspicious because she saw contraceptive medication fall out of Kirsty's bag. And Nicole has granted Trey some kind of forgiveness and convinced Martin to let him come on the trek after all.

In less good news, Geoff and Nicole found Aden beaten up on the beach. He went to hospital and I went in to talk to him but he wouldn't tell me anything. He said he didn't want to press charges or anything like that. I guess I can't force him.

He was pretty sweet, actually. He said I seemed really sad and asked what was wrong. I tried to back out of talking about it but he figured out pretty quickly that my grief is Joey related and I confessed that I'd had a letter telling me that she wasn't coming home. He was really kind about it but I don't deserve sympathy. The whole thing is my fault.

* * *

><p><em>Next time… two new couples go public, Aden and Belle announce their engagement and the school trek goes dangerously wrong…<em>


	60. Chapter 60

_Just for the record, the complimentary thoughts regarding Angelo are of the character's opinion, NOT the author! Love, IJKS xxx_

**Chapter Sixty**

**Monday 13****th**** July**

**11:32**

**The Beach**

Against my better judgement, I took today off work. It would have been mine and Joey's three month anniversary today if I hadn't messed everything up. I wonder when I will stop counting and longing for what could have been. I think the 13th have been permanently etched in my brain now. And I'll never be able to stop looking back with regret.

Belle and Aden got engaged yesterday. I'm really happy for them. They've been through so much together and they seem so happy together. Having said that, I wasn't quite happy enough to hang around the Diner for too long. It still hurts too much to see people celebrating their love when I haven't got it for myself.

But I find it easier to take than watching Angelo and May wandering around town all over each other. He was my misery's company and now he's all happy. And when he's not happy, he's petulant and stroppy with me. I'll get there though. I hope.

One day, when someone announces their good news, I won't take my coffee to go and come and sit on the beach. I'll join in properly with the congratulations. I'm sure I will. One day. Not yet though.

Well, I think I am going to go home and look at my Joey box. And maybe sob into her hoodie again. Oh, the joy. I really hate myself.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 14<strong>**th**** July**

**23:58**

**Home**

I kissed Angelo. And worse than that, poor May caught us at it. Ugh, I feel so sick with myself. I mean, don't I ever learn my fucking lesson? Not content with cheating on Joey, I then help Angelo cheat on May. I mean, granted, they've only been together two weeks and it wasn't serious between them like it was between Joey and I but still, I feel terrible. And awkward. And in deeper shit than I was before. Not to mention guilty about Joey. I know she's gone and I know she doesn't want me anymore but I feel like I'm cheating on her. I have no earthly idea what I'm meant to do now.

It started off as a normal working day. I was working on my own cases but Angelo got called to the hospital when an unidentified Indonesian man showed up needing treatment. Angelo tried to interview him but he didn't speak English. Spotting Hugo in the corridor, knowing that he lived in Indonesia for a while, he asked him to come in to translate.

The interview didn't go too well by all accounts. The man identified himself as Clint Eastwood of all things and wouldn't talk. And Angelo's suspicion of Hugo only increased because he finds it odd that Hugo could have lived in a country for that long and not picked up the language. Granted, he makes a good point there. But I'm not sure that really means anything. He probably just didn't want to help. He and Angelo hate each other, after all. But he's now got it into his head that Hugo and 'Clint' know each other somehow. Plus, 'Clint' did a runner from the hospital the first chance he got. We still haven't found him.

I heard Angelo putting a tail on someone this evening and I'd be shocked if it wasn't Hugo. He seems to really have it in for him and I'm not entirely sure why. He gets cagey about it whenever I try to talk to him.

Leah remarked to me that things seem to be going well between Angelo and May and I tried to be upbeat about it. It's just proving to be a very difficult subject for me. I like him. But he's with May. And I don't think I want to be with him. That's partly because of his history but mostly because of Joey. But then I think I'm just being stupid. Joey has made it clear that she doesn't want me anymore and that it's over. She told me to move on. Maybe being with Angelo would be a good way to start? I don't know.

Anyway, Angelo told me that he wasn't serious about May, which prompted me to ask why he asked her to move in with him. I mean, the whole thing was pretty fast. Granted, Joey moved in with me pretty quickly but that was different. Angelo and May were strangers a few weeks ago and now they're all domesticated. Well, they _were_.

After he spoke to me, it appears that he went and broke up with May, breaking her heart in the process. I found her weeping on Leah's shoulder, wondering if there was someone else. I can't even begin to describe how awkward that was

We talked back at work and he made it clear that he wanted to be with me. He even asked me out but I told him it was too soon. He asked me for coffee on our break instead. I agreed. He said he wanted to make things work between us. I'm scared and I still don't really know what I want. Well, I do. I want Joey. But I can't have her so I have to figure out what my second choice is going to be. Anyway, we were talking and then the next thing I knew, we were kissing... right as May approached.

Understandably, she flipped out. Angelo chased after her and I don't exactly know what was said but I gather he admitted that he and I had slept together behind her back. She was pretty devastated and I feel very guilty.

Then Angelo came back to me and seemed to have got it into his head that we could be together now. And granted, I did say last week that I had feelings for him but couldn't be with him until he'd split up with May but I never expected him to actually do it. I was stalling, if anything. The truth is that I don't want to be with anyone that isn't Joey. But I can't be with her so maybe I should just go for it with him. Ugh! This whole thing is so damn confusing!

He asked me if I wanted to be with him and I thought I was either going to throw up or cry. Those are the same words that my darling Joey used on the night we got together. All I could see was her for a moment and it was hard to push past it. Then I said yes (just about). But to be honest, I think it was more about trying to forget Joey and move on.

I know that's what I have to do. I can't keep living in the past. And Angelo is a nice guy. He's handsome and funny and sweet – when he's not being a little shit – and I do like him. Maybe this is the way forward. Joey did set me free, after all. She told me to move on. What better way than being with someone else?

I wound up at the Diner and confided everything to Leah. She was pretty shocked at first but she was very understanding. She thinks something could work between Angelo and I but agrees we should take it slowly. And although people like Martha and Tony would probably hate me for dating him, other people are coming round to accepting him, especially after how he helped Irene. I just don't know what to do for the best.

I'd finished my shift already and my plan was to go home and probably drink myself silly but I decided to head back to work instead and I have literally only got home. It was pretty hard going considering I started at eight this morning. I'm exhausted now. But I just couldn't settle. My mind was too fraught. Plus I had a tonne of paperwork to finish.

I knew Angelo would still be there so I brought him a coffee and we've left it that when May has moved out properly, we'll sit down and talk. I guess that will be tomorrow. But I'm dreading it. I still have no idea what I want from him. He's made it clear that he wants to be with me but the idea of committing to him scares me, especially when he's literally the most unpopular man in Summer Bay. I mean, Tony actually tried to murder him a few weeks ago! And also, if I start dating Angelo, it would be like accepting that Joey and I are truly over. How can I bear that?

In other news, I gather Tony has changed his mind about dropping Aden from the football team after he tried to throw the game last week. And Belle decided and then decided against trying to find her father in time for the wedding. And a woman gave birth to a stillborn at the hospital, which is very tragic but somehow or other, she and her husband have decided that it's Rachel's fault. And Miles and Kirsty are still trying for a baby and appear to be sharing a little too much information. I think I'd kill to be that happy.

Is it pathetic that for the short time Joey and I were together, I had visions of us getting married and having babies and all that stuff? Pretty tragic, hey?

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 15<strong>**th**** July**

**15:06**

**The Wharf**

I've got a choice to make and I honestly have no idea what the right answer is. The news about me and Angelo has got round, thanks to a very angry May. She's got a job in the city and she's leaving today. She already told Miles everything and then she came to the station to say goodbye to Angelo and very publically announced that he and I were an item. Then she accused me of being ashamed to be seen with Angelo. And she has a point. I do like him a lot but I'm anxious about what people think. And all I seem able to focus on is that this is what it was like before – with Joey. I was so caught up with her being a girl and so panicked about people calling me gay or whatever that I totally messed the relationship up. I broke her heart and I let her down. And now she is gone forever.

Maybe something good could happen between Angelo and I. In my heart of hearts, I know that I could be with him for the next fifty years and he would still only ever be second best but maybe that could be enough. He likes me. He knows how messed up I am and he cares about me anyway. And I _have _to start making peace with losing Joey. I _have _to let her go. Maybe embarking on a new relationship and having the balls to stand up and admit that I'm with Angelo is the right thing to do. Maybe that would signify a new me. Maybe then I can start to heal.

It was so easy to fall in love with Joey, despite the obvious complications and my horrific behaviour. The feelings were there. I feel like I loved her from the first moment I met her. And I can't honestly see myself falling in love with anybody else. But I do like Angelo. I care for him and I think we could be good together. If all the Jack stuff hadn't happened, we probably would have stayed together – at least until I met Joey. Then it really wouldn't have been a contest. I know that sounds terrible but it's true. I know that single or not, I would never have been able to keep away from her. I loved her too much. She became too much a part of me too quickly. And it still feels like I can't live without her.

Every day without seeing my Joey's beautiful smile, hearing her voice and her laugh... sharing my life with her... it's so, so hard. I feel grief stricken from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to bed and I can't remember the last time I didn't dream about her. But I can't live like this. She left me on 1st May and it's now 15th July. My heart is breaking for her but she's told me in no uncertain terms whether she loves me or not, she cannot come home. She can't get over what happened and she wants us both to move on. So, perhaps that's what I should be doing. Perhaps Angelo is the person to help me do that.

I think I know what I have to do. Joey and I are really and truly over. I love her so much and I always, always will. But I can't live a half life anymore. I have to pick myself up and start again. I'm probably being unfair to Angelo by using him in this way but I hope that's not what I mean. I do like him. I wouldn't just go with anyone. But I do need to be with _someone_. I need to leave Joey behind.

How can I bear to leave her behind?

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 15<strong>**th**** July**

**22:30**

**Home**

Well, Angelo and I are officially an item. I can't quite believe that I'm writing these words but it's true. I spoke to Angelo and we have decided to make a go of things. I might be doing wrong by him by not telling him the truth about Joey and how I still feel about her but I think that would just make the whole thing more serious than it needs to be. I want to keep it casual – but committed – with Angelo. I want us to have fun together. I haven't had fun for the longest time – not since Joey found out about Hugo. All the laughter left my life when she did. But maybe some of that can come back with Angelo. He's a different person to the guy he used to be but he's still entertaining, funny and nice. I hope that we can make a go of things.

I tried to tell Martha what was happening but I bottled it in the end. I know I have to soon because it would be a million times worse if she heard it from someone else. I'm already at risk of that happening. Some of our colleagues already know and so does Miles. Who knows who any of those people will tell?

I saw Hugo today as well and he asked me to get Angelo to back off. I'm not entirely sure why Angelo has such a vendetta against him but maybe I can find out. Apparently he was quizzing him about where he was last night and I gather that he's got a search warrant for his boat so he can investigate whether he has been involved in this illegal abalone fishing or not.

I wasn't able to stick around for the rest of that as I had dinner plans with Ruby. She is going on this trek thing with the school tomorrow so we wanted to hang out together for the evening and we had a really nice time. I told her about me and Angelo making a go of things and she was surprised but pleased for me.

Of course she wanted to know whether I still loved Joey and I did my best to explain that I always will but I have to move on and let her go. Joey isn't coming home and I have to get used to that tragic fact. I had her and I lost her. And all the sadness I feel is all my own fault. I just hope that I can get past it and move on and more importantly, I hope she can move on and find all the happiness that she deserves. And she deserves a hell of a lot of happiness.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 15<strong>**th**** July**

**23:44**

**Home**

I called Joey. As I expected, I got her voicemail. I suppose she is out at sea still. But my message was calm and controlled. Hell, I even wrote it down. And I _almost _didn't cry. Almost. Here is what I said:

"Hi, Joey. It's Charlie. I just wanted to say sorry for all the messages I've left you. I've been a mess since you left. But I just wanted to say that I understand why you're not coming home. I don't deserve to be forgiven for what I did to you. All you ever gave me was love and understanding. For the record, you were the most amazing partner anyone could have.

I hate myself for losing you and it's the biggest regret of my life. And I can't even begin to tell you how many regrets I have. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I love you, Joey and I will love you for the rest of my life.

But I know you can't be with me and I promise this is the last time I will try and talk to you. I will do what I can to move on with my life, although I doubt a day will go by where I don't miss you like crazy and wonder what could have been.

But what I really want to say is that you're incredible. I know I screwed up but you are truly the most wonderful person I have even known and I count myself lucky to ever have been loved by you. You deserve all the happiness there is in the world, Joey. I hope you get it. I hope that you find someone who will love you the way you deserve to be loved.

If you ever feel like there could be a chance for us again then I can promise that I would drop everything to be with you. But I also know that it's extremely unlikely and I love you enough to let you go. Please be safe, my darling. Please be safe and well and happy. I hope all of your dreams come true. Goodbye, Joey. I love you."

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 16<strong>**th**** July**

**22:11**

**Home**

Well, it's been a pretty eventful day. I sent Ruby off to school this morning to go on the trek with her classmates. Xavier, Annie, Jai and Nicole are all going and despite protestation, so is Trey. She's promised that she'll keep in touch with me when she can but being out in the bush, it will be difficult to get reception, I would have thought. I gather her mission for the trip is to get Jai and Annie back together. I wish her luck!

I worked all day and had a nice lunch with Angelo. He was clearly angling to spend the night with me tonight but I said no. If we're going to do this, then I want to do it right. I don't want there to be anything seedy or wrong between us and if we're going to sleep together, I think we should wait until it feels right. And it should at least be after a proper date, not 'just because'.

And although I am doing my best, I still have this nagging feeling that I am cheating on Joey. I don't think it would be fair to be intimate with Angelo until I'm able to be with him completely – well, as completely as I will ever get. My heart will always belong to Joey but I am hoping that I will eventually be able to let her go enough that when I am with Angelo, I will be thinking about him and not her. Does that make any sense?

But anyway, the big news of the day is that Martha and Hugo are now an item. I can't say I'm surprised. Angelo had been following Hugo around, trying to catch him up to no good. But instead of finding him amid abalone, he found him in Martha's arms. Maybe that's why Hugo has been so secretive lately. And it would totally explain why she was pissed when she thought Hugo and I were together.

Alf and (surprisingly) Tony are very supportive, as is Leah but Colleen wasn't impressed. Personally, I'm all for it. Yes, it's a bit soon but I suppose you can't help who you fall in love with and when. And I'd assume she sees Jack in Hugo in a lot of ways, being that they were so close as cousins. So, yes, I'm happy for her and I hope Colleen comes round. Her opinion is important to Martha.

And maybe, just maybe, my friend may forgive me for dating Angelo. I doubt it but I can but hope. I believe they have gone into the city while Xavier is away in order to get a break from the situation and to tell Gina their news. I hope they are happy together.

Work was okay. We got called to the rugby carnival in town a couple of times due to fighting but generally it seemed to go well. And it's brought in a roaring trade. It took ages to get served in the Diner. Colleen being rushed off her feet probably didn't help when it came to accepting Martha and Hugo as a couple.

Leah is fretting about Kirsty and Miles. Poor Miles has been banging on about him and Kirsty having a baby but the more Leah thinks about it, the more she has concluded that Kirsty doesn't want to have a baby with him, at least not yet. That's fair enough but I hope Leah is wrong about her secretly taking the pill behind his back. Poor Miles doesn't deserve to be lied to. I hope they start communicating about what they both want. This situation could seriously escalate if they're not careful.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 19<strong>**th**** July**

**22:04**

**Home**

Well, it's been one hell of a weekend. I don't think I've actually slept since Thursday night. And nothing has been resolved on the case either so the chances of me sleeping properly any time soon. I should be hitting the hay now, to be honest, but I wanted to write stuff down and maybe get it clear in my head before I try to sleep. And then I have to be up again first thing in the morning, ready to tackle the next round of this horror story.

Half the story starts with Jai and Annie going missing from the trek. They got partnered up together and Jai was suffering with what we now know to be blood poisoning. Remember those guns that Martha handed in? Well, she didn't have all of them. Xavier and Jai had taken one and started playing with it. Xavier accidentally shot Jai and although they went to the hospital, they didn't stay because a nurse was getting suspicious. They left, Xavier patched Jai up himself and they thought it would be fine. It wasn't. The wound got infected and led to septicaemia. He was struggling with the trek so he and Annie took a short cut and ended up getting lost.

It was already pretty late by the time anyone noticed they were gone and Miles, Martin and John went hunting for them immediately. But night fell and although Annie was smart enough to get herself and a very unwell Jai to the trail so that they could be found more easily, they weren't discovered until the morning. Before the teachers and John went out, Xavier warned them that Jai hadn't seemed very well but he didn't have the balls to say why. Now, I know Xavier is a good kid. But trouble really does seem to follow him...

Anyway, at morning light, the SES started searching for Annie and Jai but they were understaffed due to another emergency elsewhere. At this point, we still knew nothing about any of this. Miles and Martin found Jai's backpack and they eventually managed to find him, collapsed with a frantic Annie doing her best to look after him. By the time word got round, they were already well on their way to finding them but Alf and Geoff started to head out anyway. They then got word to go to the hospital where Jai is still being treated.

But on top of all of this was something even worse and whether I have felt sorry for Trey or not in the past, I do NOT feel any such thing for him now. He's a fucking bastard and I will never, ever forgive him for what he nearly did. He nearly killed all those poor students – on purpose – and amongst those poor students was Ruby. MY Ruby. How fucking dare he?

I've spent a lot of time taking statements and I gather that while they were away, Nicole and Trey made some kind of peace. And it looks like at that point, he crossed her off the list of names he'd made: his victims. But that night, while most of the staff were out searching for Annie and Jai, he made a clumsy pass at Nicole. She rejected him rather publically and I gather he got yet more hassle about his actions from other students. Nobody seems to have forgiven him for the sex tape and I know he's had a pretty hard time. But that doesn't excuse his actions. I can just see it on the news – Columbine in Australia. At least this plot failed.

On Friday morning, while the search was still on for Trey, Martin decided to send the students back to Summer Bay – ironically for their own safety. When they, along with John Palmer – got on the bus, Trey informed them that it was rigged with a bomb and if anyone got off or otherwise redistributed the weight, it would explode. He told them it was revenge for the way they'd treated him. Then he ran off.

I gather that there was some question over whether he was telling the truth or not. He was, as it turned out. The bus was rigged to explode and everyone's (including Ruby's) lives were in danger. John tried to get off the bus, thinking he was calling Trey's bluff but Kirsty forced him to stay – thank goodness. And Nicole found a notepad with his plans on it and the list of names. He'd put her back on it and made it clear that she could have prevented the whole thing if she had behaved differently. The poor girl!

I can't say I'd want to kiss the bastard if he'd treated me the way he treated her, especially after everything she has already been through this year. Her Dad got dragged off to jail and she's never been quite the same since. It's been such a hard time for her and she really trusted Trey. She trusted him and he abused that trust in the worst kind of way. So no, she shouldn't feel responsible. She hasn't done anything wrong. And I made sure I told her that when I interviewed her.

Xavier checked the bottom of the bus and there was indeed a bomb there. John checked it and realised it was set to detonate in an hour. Trey had also stolen everyone's phones and probably tossed them. We have a team out looking for them and any other evidence at the moment.

Fortunately, Martha and Hugo had decided to take a break together. They'd gone to see Gina and then they went camping but stumbled across the bus in the process. John ended up having to talk Hugo through dismantling the bomb, which I gather was far from an easy task, especially as all the wires were the same damn colour! Everyone made it off the bus just in time but then they realised there was a second bomb attached to the first. Hugo and John tossed it but not before it blew up. Hugo ended up in hospital and as far as I know, he's still in critical condition. He woke up yesterday, which is good news but he's not out of the woods yet.

On a more positive note, Colleen has decided to give Martha and Hugo her blessing. I'm glad of that. It must be a relief to Martha because she really cares about what Colleen thinks. All I can hope is that when I tell her about Angelo and I, she'll understand how it feels to be rejected and not treat me too harshly. I won't bank on it though.

But for my part, I didn't know anything about the bus. I'd heard what was going on with Jai and I headed out there to see what was wrong and if the rest of the people on the trek needed help. The first person I found was Trey, apparently collapsed on the side of the road. Like an idiot, I took it all at face value and I stopped to help him. I even took the bastard to the hospital and I had no idea what he'd done. And nobody has seen him since.

I've spent the whole weekend looking for him. The whole station has been devoted to finding him. We caught his mother at a roadblock and pulled her in for questioning again later but she swears she hasn't seen her son. Angelo and I are keeping an eye on her though. If he's going to be in touch with anyone then it will be her and if he makes contact, then we can catch him.

It's all anyone can talk about at the moment. Leah and Irene pointed out that it was Trey who came up with the idea for the trek in the first place and wondered if he had planned it right from the start. I doubt it. I mean, it seems to be this Nicole thing that set him off and that only just happened. But he must have been planning it right from the start of that in order to be that organised about things.

I nearly lost the plot when I saw Ruby again, which was pretty pathetic. But I couldn't help it. I couldn't bear the thought that I nearly lost her. But in fairness, she was pretty emotional too. The whole thing shook her up pretty badly.

I just wish I hadn't been forced to work flat out. I feel like I haven't been there for her. I _haven't _been there for her. But I'm definitely going to make time for her. They're all off school for a few days so I hope things will calm down enough to allow me to spend time with my daughter. I love her so much. I've lost Joey and I'm losing Dad. I think I'd actually die if I lost Ruby too.

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Joey responds to Charlie's voicemail, Angelo breaks up with Charlie after Brett runs her over and Belle and Aden get married… <em>


	61. Chapter 61

_Just to let you know, I won't be updating tomorrow or Sunday as one of my favourite people in the world is coming to visit me for the weekend. But I will be back with you on Monday. Love, IJKS xxx_

**Chapter Sixty One**

**Monday 20****th**** July**

**21:39**

**Home**

It's been another pretty flat out day. We've contacted the police in the city in a bid to strengthen our chances of catching Trey but so far, no luck. I did manage to knock off at six though and I got some takeaway for me and Ruby. We've spent most of the evening together and now I'm just writing in here quickly before I crash out completely. I'm so tired! And I don't know when I'll next get a day off. Things are going to be pretty hectic until we find Trey.

Ruby and I talked a lot. She said that Xavier is pissed off because Angelo and I are together. And now that he knows, the chances are that Hugo and Martha do too. And Tony and Rachel. I am so scared of being hated. Martha is my friend and so is Rachel. And I'm fond of Tony and Hugo. And Xavier. I'm terrified that this thing with Angelo is going to be more hassle than it's worth. I haven't even had a chance to spend time with him anyway. I mean, we've worked together but everything has been so busy and hectic, we haven't had time to breathe.

She is pretty stressed about what happened with Trey and the bus. It's really shaken her up. It scared the shit out of me too and I wasn't even there. I'm even the stupid bitch who essentially helped Trey get away. That's yet another thing I won't ever forgive myself for. Guess what I'm thinking about right now...

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 21<strong>**st**** July**

**18:02**

**Home**

Bad day today. Martha officially knows about Angelo and I and she has made it very clear that she will never forgive or accept him and she now hates me and thinks I'm the lowest form of life for being in a relationship with him. Hugo stayed pretty quiet about the whole thing, which was a blessing at least. And I gather that Xavier is furious too.

He missed his court date today, even though Angelo reminded him yesterday and said that if he called and explained the current circumstances, what with the trek and everything, they would be likely to rearrange. He didn't. Angelo managed to smooth the situation out though, thank goodness. I doubt they'll be grateful but at least Xavier isn't in any more trouble than he already is.

In other news, Kirsty and Miles are now not having a baby, at least for the time being. And apparently she has decided that she wants to go to University, which is exciting. As expected, Miles is being supportive of everything. He really does love her.

I wish I could be in a relationship where I'm loved and I love in that way. I mean, I care about Angelo. And I know he cares about me – probably more than I do, really. But I'm also painfully aware that nothing I could have with him could ever compare to what I had with Joey.

We've both been so busy with work lately and I'm trying to spend as much with Rubes as I can. She's still pretty shaken after what happened with the trek. But I know Angelo is itching for us to spend proper time together. I don't want to sleep with him without it being special first and I'm not so sure about having him round here either. This was mine and Joey's place. Having someone else here just seems... wrong. But I know I will have to get over that eventually. And she said she wants me to move on and be happy.

But anyway, I'm not ready for anything heavy yet. If we're going to do this then we've got to do it right. I don't want to mess up again.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 22<strong>**nd**** July**

**12:45**

**The Beach**

I could kick myself or worse. I actually hate myself right about now. Angelo wanted to take lunch with me but I couldn't bear it so I've taken myself off to clear my head. But at this point, I don't think it will ever be clear. Ugh! I'm so fucking stupid!

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 22<strong>**nd**** July**

**12:51**

**The Beach**

Okay, what happened was that Joey called me. And I was so busy with work that I missed the call. I didn't hear it ring because I'd left my mobile on the desk and I was out in reception organising the next round of hunting for fucking Trey Palmer.

She left me a voicemail that is now etched in my memory. She said:

"Hi, Charlie. I'm not sure if I'm glad or not that you didn't pick up because I'm trying to stay really strong about all this but probably if I spoke to you, I'd be on the first boat home. I still miss you so much. But I don't think it would be the right thing to do anyway.

I just wanted to say thanks for your voicemail. We've docked just for the morning and I listened to your message immediately. So... thank you for letting me go. Part of me would love to come home and fling myself back into your arms because that will always be my favourite place in the world. But so much happened and I got so hurt that I feel the need to spread my wings and experience the world for myself, figure out who I am and what I want. I guess I just want to start over, away from all the pain and problems that have happened this year.

So, thank you for your message. And despite how it turned out, thank you for every single thing you did for me. You saved my life and to be honest, even if I'd known how it would have gone, I would never have hesitated in being with you. That time we had together truly was the most wonderful time in my life. And I hope that the future brings you love and joy and happiness. I'll always love you, Charlie. Goodbye."

How can this really be goodbye? I love her so much.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 22<strong>**nd**** July**

**22:13**

**Home**

Angelo wanted to take me out tonight but I just couldn't. And I couldn't even tell him why. Am I making a mistake with him? I don't know. I mean, Joey's gone and she's quite clearly not coming back. But if I'd had the chance to talk to her today, I might have won her round.

To be honest, I think it's good (for her) that she's not coming home. She needs to go out and do all those things she's dreamed of. She doesn't need me to hold her back and keep her here. She deserves the absolute best and I am really, really not the best. I hope she ends up with someone amazing. Well, the good part of me feels that way, at least. The selfish part of me wants to drag her back here and make this work. It's better for her that she's not with me. But it's much, much better for me if she is.

And if I'm feeling that way then what the hell am I doing with Angelo? It's not right and it's not fair. I could never feel about him the way I feel about Joey. I love that girl so damn much that I can hardly breathe now that she's gone. She's so beautiful and so perfect.

And I want to move on like she told me to. I want to get on with my life and start again. And Angelo is a good way to do that but doesn't that just mean I'm using him? And doesn't that make me the same evil bitch I was when I broke Joey's heart? I just don't know how I feel about anything anymore.

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 24<strong>**th**** July**

**01:03**

**Home**

Rachel gave birth to her baby today (well, yesterday... you know what I mean!) She went into labour at Belle's hen night and we (Rachel, Belle, Leah, Colleen and I) had to haul arse to the hospital. We just about got her in time. They wanted to do an emergency caesarean, which brought back some rather horrific memories for me, but they didn't have time. By the time I left them to it – waiting in the corridor with the ever judgemental Colleen Smart was just a dream! – she'd safely delivered a baby boy. And while we had some trouble contacting Tony, he got there in the end, which is good.

I gather that things have been pretty difficult between Rachel and Tony for a while now. He's been so focussed on Jack that Rachel feels that he hasn't been that committed to their own son but hopefully things will get better for them now that he's arrived. I hope so anyway. They're good people.

I tossed and I turned all night last night and I couldn't sleep for thinking about Joey. I've replayed the message about a hundred times and I'll keep her beautiful voice on my phone for as long as I can. I'm not sure what the voicemail time limit is. But by the morning, I'd reached a decision.

She is definitely not coming home. And as much as I wish she would, I agree that it's the right thing – for her at least. And I want to do what's right for her. She is the most incredible, beautiful person I have ever known and she has a heart of gold. She deserves wonderful things in life and let's face it, this year has been pretty shitty. She was raped. She was nearly killed. She was messed around and then cheated on by the woman she loved, a woman who didn't deserve her. And she's estranged (as far as I know) from her brother, the only family she had left in the world. She needs to break away from all the pain she's been in and she needs to look after herself. And if that means leaving me behind then I guess that's what she has to do.

And while I am painfully aware that Angelo (or any other man, or any other woman) could never compare to Joey, I am also aware that moping around and feeling sorry for myself isn't going to help me or anyone. I care for Angelo and I think that potentially, we could have something good. It won't be Heaven, like it was with Joey and it will be a long time to get the stage where I'm in love with him – if I ever get there. Can you be in love with two people at the same time? I don't even know. What I do know is that I will always love Joey best. But I have to make a go of things with Angelo. I have to move on with my life and start again.

With this in mind, I went to see him at work (it was a blessed day off for me today) and asked him out on a proper date. But he said no, which dampened my mood a little. He said he had to work tonight but asked if we could do something tomorrow instead. I'm still not entirely sure if he was trying to teach me a lesson for not being available lately but I'll give him the benefit of the doubt. I mean, it would be pretty petty and manipulative to reject someone just because they needed to be around for their daughter at a difficult time in their life. Granted, everyone including Angelo thinks that Ruby is my sister but regardless, I'm still the closest person to her and I have to take care of her. Sometimes that means other aspects of my life have to take a backseat. I can't help it. I have responsibilities.

Anyway, we arranged to go out tomorrow and then I escaped the station before I got roped into work. We've all been flat out with Trey's case but I've clocked so many hours that one of the big bosses told me in person that I had to rest for a day! So I decided to use my time off to go to the gym.

On my way, I ran into Belle and she surprised me with an invitation to her hen night. Colleen was less that impressed (she hates me now as well as Angelo) but I gratefully accepted. It was really sweet of Belle to invite me. We've never been the best of friends really but to be honest, some compassion was exactly what I needed today.

I did admit that I was nervous to Leah later when I went to the Diner and offered to help out with anything that needed doing. She knows full well that certain people, like Colleen and Martha wouldn't want me there but she was really sweet and really supportive.

I've since told her about my recent contact with Joey and how it all relates to Angelo and she was really kind and understanding about it. She's a good friend. I really ought to value her more. I feel like I could be fast running out of mates in this town now that Angelo and I are together. And I really don't want to become one of those people who is absolutely dependent on her boyfriend. I'm too independent for that. It would be horrific!

Anyway, it took me a while to get the nerve to actually go to the party, which was at Rachel's place. I must have sat in the car for nearly an hour before I actually went inside. And I can't say it was the best night of my life. I was very much on the outside looking in, although Leah did her best to include me and so did Irene. But I guess people feel awkward (as do I) about me dating the man who killed a close friend of theirs.

But Jack was my friend too. He was my colleague and I cared about him. But I also know that it was an accident. Yes, Angelo handled it badly but he didn't mean to kill anyone. I firmly believe that. And if he hadn't been saved by the courts, he would have done his time for his crime.

The hen night consisted largely of silly games like Toilet Paper Wedding Dress. I didn't join in but watching was pretty funny! But Martha was shooting daggers at me all night. I tried to speak to her in the kitchen and I congratulated her on her new romance with Hugo but she just snapped at me that it didn't mean she'd forgotten Jack or what Angelo had done. I really did try to make peace but she wasn't interested. And she left fairly soon after that to go and visit Hugo in the hospital. He's still in a pretty bad way after the bomb fiasco.

The rest of us all continued chatting a drinking and having a good time, although Irene took Annie home earlier than the teenager wanted to go. And then Rachel suddenly went into labour. We all panicked and I had to stop any of them charging to the hospital because we were all over the limit. Well, I thought we were until Belle admitted she hadn't actually been drinking. I'm not sure why. I mean, it was _her _hen night. But maybe she's trying to stay away from booze and stuff since rehab or something. Or maybe she wasn't feeling well. She did seem a bit out of sorts tonight. Come to think of it, she's been walking around like a ghost for a little while now. I hope she's okay.

Anyway, she got us to the hospital and Rachel had the baby safely. I made sure everything was okay and then I decided I wasn't needed so I've come home. So, now that I have updated sufficiently, I think I will down a glass of water and then go to bed! Goodnight!

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 24<strong>**th**** July**

**17:38**

**Home**

I've got a proper date with Angelo tonight. He said he'd pick me up when he finishes work and we're going out to dinner. I'm really determined to try and make a go of it with him, although I'm terrified about tomorrow.

Dad and Morag are coming for Belle and Aden's wedding and I get the feeling that Angelo is expecting me to tell them about us. I mean, that makes sense, right? But Morag is close to Martha and I'm scared of what they'll say.

Honestly, a few months ago, I was getting nervous about telling them I was seeing Joey. Now instead of dating a woman, I'm dating someone who killed a man we all knew and loved! I really wish I was psyching myself up to tell them about Joey though. I think they would have liked her. Well, how could they not?

Apparently Rachel and Tony have named their baby boy Harry. I think it's cute. And Amanda and Ryan (Belle's mother and brother) have arrived for the wedding. It's seriously wedding fever in Summer Bay at the moment. It makes me feel sad because I know that if Joey was still here (even if we weren't together), she'd be a huge part of this. She and Aden were pretty close and she would have been involved. But she's gone. I wonder if she even knows that it's happening.

Anyway, I just thought I'd write quickly and then I have to get ready for my date.

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 25<strong>**th**** July**

**20:00**

**Hospital**

Yep, I'm in hospital and it looks like I'm going to be trapped here for a good few days. I got hit by a car and I've damaged my hip pretty badly, although fortunately not as badly as they first thought. I don't remember much of what happened but I am in a hell of a lot of pain.

The day started by waking up with Angelo in his apartment. I'm not quite ready to have him at my place yet. There's just too much Joey there still. But we had our date at last yesterday evening and actually, it was really nice. I haven't been quite able to shake the feeling that I'm cheating on Joey (shame I didn't feel so terrible about that when I was _actually _cheating on her but hey, let's not go there).

We had a nice dinner and then went back to his place. It was nice. Nicer than it was last time. But nothing could compare to Joey, really. I've been spoilt for anyone else. The loving tenderness that existed between us was beautiful. I never knew what making love was until I was with her. I'm still at the sex stage with Angelo. I don't know if or when we'll ever get to the making love stage but it will be definitely be a long time. And even then, I don't think it will ever be as good.

Anyway, we had breakfast at the Diner and, knowing that Dad and Morag were coming to town for the wedding, Angelo was keen for me to tell them about us. I didn't, of course. It all came out later today and Morag is far from impressed. She's downright furious, actually. But I'm too broken to deal with that right now.

But Angelo seems to think we're married or something now. We've defied the odds, we're out and proud, we've consummated our relationship... Is it wrong that I'm just not feeling it? I like him a lot and I do think we could really go somewhere. But I'm struggling with a lot of things and I'm not ready to rush into this heavy set commitment thing.

I told him that I'd tell Dad and Morag and then shooed him out of the Diner because it would automatically raise questions if I was with him when they showed up. He scarpered but said that he had a surprise for me later. He was very excited about it but it turned out to not be fun. Well, it put me in hospital and that's just the beginning!

I didn't manage to tell Dad and Morag about Angelo and I and I ended up faking somewhere I needed to be so I could escape for a moment, which in turn made me late for the wedding. In fairness, Aden was late too! I thought it was the bride who was meant to keep everyone waiting! He showed up just as Belle seemed convinced that he wasn't coming and was about to cancel the wedding.

They got married and it was a particularly beautiful service. There just seemed to be so much love and emotion behind their vows. It actually brought a tear to my eye, which I of course quickly wiped away. I came to the stark realisation that I could have seen myself exchanging vows with Joey. I honestly could. But I couldn't see it with Angelo. That doesn't bode well for us, hey?

At the reception, Ruby tackled me about avoiding Dad and Morag and then blindsided me by saying that she didn't think I should tell them after all. Dad is doing really well right now and she thought it was best that I didn't upset him. And let's face it, he's going to be upset. Well, he _was_. I could tell he was, although his concern for my health seemed to outweigh that. Unfortunately, it wasn't the case for Morag.

Angelo collected me from the reception for my surprise. In the car, I told him all about the wedding and stuff and then he pulled up RIGHT OUTSIDE JOEY'S HOUSE. I flipped. At first, I thought he'd found out about us and was going to confront me over why I didn't tell him. But he remained oblivious to all of it.

He then declared that he had hired a boat and wanted to take me out for a romantic afternoon. Yes, it was sweet. But I flipped. I can date him, I can even sleep with him (although not in mine and Joey's bed yet) but I will not go on a boat trip with him. No way. That's mine and Joey's thing. I just... couldn't. No. I just... I really haven't let go, have I?

Anyway, I was telling him that I didn't want to go and made all the excuses under the sun, like I'd had too much champagne and didn't feel well. Being rather stubborn and of course, _always right_, Angelo dismissed me and insisted we go out. I backed away, in a panic and trying to get away from the situation, arguing with him and generally wanting to go home and hide away, and of course, probably call Joey in a fit of hysteria. But now it doesn't look like I'll be going home for a good few days because when I backed away, I stepped out onto the road and got his by the car. Oh, and guess who was driving! None other than Brett Collins.

Well, I don't really remember much else until I woke up in the hospital. Angelo called an ambulance and I lost consciousness. I have a vague awareness of someone (presumably Brett) yelling that it wasn't his fault. They fixed my hip and patched me up, although I still hurt all over.

Naturally, when they came to the hospital with Rubes, Dad and Morag wanted to know why I had been with Angelo so she had no choice but to tell them that we were together. I feel pretty shitty about that now. I should have plucked up the courage to do it myself. Morag was less than thrilled and I don't think Dad was impressed either but he was still nice to me.

Everyone was crammed into my hospital room when Brett was wheeled in. I think he got hurt a little bit in the crash. I hadn't realised until then that he was driving and I panicked again, especially when he started yelling at me for driving Joey away. As if he didn't play a part of his own! If he'd have left us the fuck alone then I wouldn't have been so scared and alone that night. Then I wouldn't have...

Okay, it wasn't his fault. He could see that I wasn't good enough for his sister and he wanted to drive us apart. I understand that. I could never be good enough for her. But I just... I guess I felt like Joey made me a better person. When I was with her, I felt good. I felt all my self hatred lifting, ever so slightly. She just... made me better. But then I fucked up anyway and I lost her and now my self hatred is about a million times more than it was.

But anyway, I digress. I wonder when I will stop getting carried away with my Joey thoughts. I have to get over her sometime don't I?

I'm getting distracted again. Brett started laying into me and everyone (bar Ruby who already knew everything, of course) was horrified that I knew the man who'd run me over. Angelo immediately laid into him until I got too distressed and begged him to stop. The Doctor cleared them all out of there pretty quickly after that anyway.

Ruby came back later with clothes, my toothbrush and this diary and so it looks like I'm trapped here until my hip is fixed. Thankfully, Brett isn't in the next room anymore. Ugh, could you imagine me being trapped with him indefinitely? I think I'd kill myself.

And on a more worrying note, the Doctor made a point of mentioning my caesarean scar. I feel a little sick just thinking about it. I gather that Dad covered with the usual story of me having to have an operation when I was a kid. A few past lovers have asked me about it before but with most of them being guys, they didn't question it. Joey was particularly fascinated but she bought the story. And in all honesty, I think by now, if we'd have stayed together, I would have told her the truth. And that's a seriously big deal. I've never considered telling a single soul about my past but I trusted her so much. I really think I could have told her.

I don't think the day will come with Angelo. I don't think he's even noticed the scar – or if he has then he hasn't commented. It's all a bit... how can I say this...? It's all a bit quick with him. He doesn't... well, he doesn't pay the most attention to detail. I think that's the biggest difference between him and Joey. She was all about the details. She was so attentive and gentle and loving. She was amazing. Oh! STOP THINKING ABOUT JOEY!

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 25<strong>**th**** July**

**20:58**

**Hospital**

I can't.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 26<strong>**th**** July**

**13:09**

**Hospital**

I think Angelo and I have broken up. I'm not entirely sure but that has got to be a record for short lived relationship. I even managed to hold onto Joey for longer and I stuffed that one up pretty quickly.

He came to see me at the hospital and I finally told him about Joey. I explained that she was the victim in a case I was working on and after I encouraged her to be brave and come out to her brother – the guy who was driving the car – he threw her out. So I invited her to come and live with me and while I was looking after her, we fell in love. I admitted all the shitty things I did and how much I messed her around. I told him that once we'd finally got together, I freaked out, got drunk and ended up sleeping with Hugo and Joey left me.

He wanted to know lots of details, which I don't blame him for but I was honest, if a little guarded. He asked if I'd been in love with her and I said yes. Then he asked the typical question of 'are you gay'? I explained that I didn't really know how to label myself. I'm attracted to men but I was also desperately attracted to Joey and admitted that I could imagine myself with a woman in the future, if I happened to fall in love with one. I'm not entirely sure where that little revelation came from but it's true. Therefore, I can only conclude that I am a late blooming bisexual. I told him that.

He was pretty hurt that I didn't tell him about her, which I understand. But at the same time, I don't know why it matters if I was in love with a girl or not. He said that the gender thing wasn't that important but the fact that I didn't share such a significant part of myself with him, hurts.

I do get that though. I wasn't deliberately keeping it from him exactly. He assumed that Joey – the person he'd heard I had a 'bad break up' with, was a guy, which is understandable. We haven't talked about it much but I haven't corrected him. I guess I've been a bit desperate to keep them separated in my head. I still love Joey so much and if she came back, I'd rather unkindly have no hesitation over dumping Angelo and trying to win her back.

Oh! That was another question. What am I going to do when Joey comes back? I said I didn't know but made it clear that I wouldn't be two timing anyone. She isn't coming home and I know that so I doubt it will be an issue. But I didn't go into all of that. It was so hard to talk about. Just thinking about the whole thing made me weep.

Angelo was pretty pissed about the whole thing and he stormed off. He can't believe that I didn't trust him enough to tell him about Joey. Maybe he has a point but why does it matter? Everyone has exes and unfortunately, that's all Joey is now. I never want to let her go. And I don't think I really ever will. But I'm with Angelo now and I told him so. I want to step out of all my misery and loss and start my life over. Is that too much to ask?

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Charlie and Ruby's last hope that Joey might change her mind is crushed, Brett confronts Charlie again while Angelo avoids her and Ross wants Charlie to tell the truth about Ruby…<em>


	62. Chapter 62

_I hope you enjoy this one, even though it is the era of Angelo, or Arsehole as DV8 so delicately refers to him! That always makes me laugh! Anyway, the next update will be of a new story so I hope you like that too. Love, IJKS xxx_

**Chapter Sixty Two**

**Monday 27****th**** July**

**12:01**

**Hospital**

Yep, I'm still here. I'm certain that I should be allowed to go home by now but they said I'll probably be stuck here until the end of the week. To be fair, currently, I can't walk. They said that hips are particularly tricky things and they have to make sure I'm properly healed, or at least most definitely getting there before I can go home. And I'll need more physiotherapy when I get out of here.

I wouldn't mind the rest to be honest but the food is no good and all I can do is lie here and think. In my headspace right now, that's not an attractive option. All morning, I was splitting my time between thinking about Joey and Angelo. I don't think I need to unravel all my feelings about Joey for the millionth time. But Angelo hasn't been back to see me and he hasn't called either. I don't know if I should call him. I don't know if I _want _to call him. I mean, here I am, trapped in hospital and he's fucked off and left me. I'm not sure that that's a sign of the most caring boyfriend in the world.

And of course, that gets me thinking about Joey all over again. What would she be like if we were still together? I can only imagine that she'd visit me lots and generally be adorable and loving. I don't think she knows how to be anything else. Half of me desperately hopes that she will or has met someone wonderful, who will treat her like the Princess she is. And half of me feels sick at the very thought of some other woman getting to hold her, touch her, kiss her, make love to her. Would she love them more than me? Will she forget about me? Will she ever, ever come home?

* * *

><p><strong>Monday 27<strong>**th**** July**

**19:33**

**Hospital**

Dad came to see me and I feel like my head is going to explode. He thinks I should tell Ruby that she is my daughter and not my sister. In what world could that EVER be a good idea? We have an amazing relationship and I get to be a kind of Mum to her without her knowing. She'll hate me if she finds out the truth. No. I either had to stand up and be her Mum when she was born or I have to live with the consequences. And I made my choice. I ran off and left Mum and Dad to take care of her. I let her down. She can never know. Never ever.

Dad said that his memory is only getting worse and he's afraid of letting the truth slip out by accident and that would be really awful. It's something we were both concerned about when he was first diagnosed with Alzheimer's. That's part of the reason why he took himself off to the city, although again, Ruby mustn't know that.

I can't tell her the truth. Can I? What if I lose her forever? I've already lost so much. And Ruby means as much to me as Joey did, which only goes to show how strongly I felt for my one time girlfriend. I feel like I'm dying without her and I know I actually _will _die without Ruby.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 28<strong>**th**** July**

**10:15**

**Hospital**

I woke up feeling like shit. I'd like to say that it's because trying to sleep in a hospital is almost impossible but that's not the reason. Today would be the day that Joey would have returned home. I should be standing on the docks right now, waiting for the love of my life to return to me and give me another chance.

I had it all planned out, you know? I was going to dress up all nice, take down some roses and gifts and maybe even whisk her away to a hotel or something and we could reunite properly. I'd make promises and mean them – like I'd be out and proud about our relationship, I'd introduce her to Dad and Morag, I'd let the whole world know how in love I am. But she's not coming.

And yet I couldn't sleep. What if she did come? What if she changed her mind at the last minute? And I wasn't there because on a disastrous day trip with my boyfriend, I got hit by Joey's brother's car. Ugh, I feel sick.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 28<strong>**th**** July**

**19:23**

**Hospital**

Ruby went down to the docks and found out what time the trawler would come in. She waited and Joey wasn't on it. She has indeed moved on to another boat and she is indeed staying away. Rubes said she had a feeling I'd be panicking. To be honest, I just think it's sweet that she even remembered. She was lovely. And while the confirmation that Joey isn't coming home did break my heart considerably, Ruby has put my mind at rest.

She stayed most of the day and we had a proper giggle. There was an awkward moment when she asked about the scar that the Doctor mentioned when I was first brought in but I managed to change the subject.

She asked how things were with Angelo and I updated her. She thinks he's mean for not at least getting in touch with me. Even if he doesn't want to be with me anymore, he could at least have the decency to say so. And to be honest, if he's the one dumping me, I'm horrified. He's _always _wanted me. I don't mean to sound arrogant but it's true. And he's the town leper. I mean, people are giving him more of a chance these days but he's still the least popular guy in town. Shouldn't he be honoured to be dating someone? Even if it is me? I don't know. I think he's hurt my pride or something.

Ruby and I also talked at length about Joey. She admitted that she feels sad that she didn't come back and didn't feel able to make it work. She said she liked us together and had hoped we would work things out. Me too, Rubes. Me too.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 29<strong>**th**** July**

**17:44**

**Hospital**

Brett came to see me today. It wasn't nice but it wasn't as terrible as I feared it would be. I thought he'd come to bash me in or something. He told me he hated me and that Joey did too. He accused me of driving her away from her only family.

I argued, although it was pretty weakly. I said that he was hardly blameless and if he'd just left her alone and let his sister be happy then none of this would have happened. He yelled that I was a piece of shit and that he just saved Joey from a lifetime of misery and that I would never ever deserve her. He then said that even if she really was gay, he didn't care so long as she wasn't with me. Then he left.

Ruby found me still crying half an hour later and she was really sweet. She listened to everything I felt about Joey, Brett, Angelo... everything. And she cheered me up with some of the general gossip I'm missing by not seeing Colleen on a daily basis.

Aden and Belle have gone off on their honeymoon already. Amanda bought them a trip to Broome and they went off very happily. And Rachel has been allowed to bring Harry home, although nobody has seen hide nor hair of mother and baby since. But then, I guess that's what happens when you're a new Mum. Your world revolves around your baby. I feel sad that I missed out on it all.

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 30<strong>**th**** July**

**14:11**

**Hospital**

I am so desperate to get out of here. I've done three physiotherapy sessions now and I'm just about walking. I have a bit of a limp but that will only be temporary. I want to go home! I'm bored out of my head and tormenting myself with horrible thoughts about Joey and Brett and Angelo. And I keep having nightmares that Ruby is going to find the truth out about me. Just thinking about it makes me feel sick.

Ruby came to visit this morning. She keeps saying she's got free periods but I suspect she's just skipping school. But I'm not going to ask or object. I need all the visitors I can get. Dad has come every day and each time he's been alone, he's asked me more about telling Ruby the truth. And every time he does, I break down and get upset. So, as nice as it is that he comes and he cares, it's proving pretty stressful. But Ruby lights up my life. And she said that Leah was coming in later, which will be nice. She's such a sweet friend.

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 30<strong>**th**** July**

**20:43**

**Hospital**

Leah came by and it was really nice to hang out with her. She brought me up to date on all the latest news. A new family – the Walkers – have arrived in Summer Bay and one of them has already left again! There's a guy called Sid, who is a Doctor and his wife Jody, who, due to repeated infidelity, has left him again and moved back to the city. They have two kids around Ruby's age, Dexter and Indigo. She thinks Dexter seems pretty quiet but Indigo comes with attitude. A teenager with attitude? I'm shocked!

Anyway, Sid has come to replace Rachel while she's on maternity leave but it looks like things might turn out to be more complicated than that. I hear that she had to face the hospital board as she is being accused of negligence. A couple came into the hospital a while ago – before Rachel had had Harry – but when the woman, Jane I think her name is, gave birth to her baby, he or she was a still born. That must have been so awful for her and her husband. I might be biased but Rachel gives so much to her job. I can't believe for one minute that she'd have done anything wrong.

Oh, and Kirsty has been accepted into University to do her teacher's training, which is pretty cool.

I still haven't heard a thing from Angelo, although Leah said that he's been skulking around the Diner a lot, looking like he's feeling very sorry for himself. Even if our relationship is over, I wish he'd just talk to me. The silence is more stressful than breaking up would be. But maybe, that's part of the problem. I don't care enough. If I miss anyone, it's still my darling Joey.

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 31<strong>**st**** July**

**11:31**

**Hospital**

I'm BOOOOOOOORED! Let me go home!

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 31<strong>**st**** July**

**12:08**

**Hospital**

Please?

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 31<strong>**st**** July**

**13:19**

**Hospital**

The Doctor said I can go home tomorrow. I know I should be grateful but I want to go home NOW!

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 1<strong>**st**** August 2009**

**17:06**

**Home!**

I'm ! Hooray! I'm so happy!

Dad and Morag brought me back and Ruby has been fussing around me all day, which is pretty cute. She's so lovely. I've been waited on hand and foot and I'm still tucked up on the sofa with a heap of the programmes I missed while I was in hospital. So far, so good.

Ruby was full of news, of course. Trey has been caught at last. Well, he kind of handed himself in. From what I've heard, he went to the hospital and tried to kill John. Kirsty managed to talk him down and he was taken to the police station for questioning over everything he's done. I'm so relieved. I felt so shitty about pretty much helping him escape after what he did to Ruby and the other school kids on that bus.

All that happened yesterday, as well as a big teenage party down at the docks where I gather Nicole ended up a little worse for wear. And Ruby said that Annie and Jai and everyone are making friends with Dexter and Indigo, the new kids. I hope they settle in well. She also thinks that both Jai and Dexter have a thing for Annie. And Annie seems to reciprocate Dexter's feelings.

All of that happened yesterday. Honestly, I'm so glad that I'm not a teenager anymore! Not that being an adult is any easier really. Angelo still hasn't called, although apparently Leah told him off for not getting in touch. But most of all, I miss Joey. I wish she was here. I could do with being looked after by the love of my life.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 2<strong>**nd**** August**

**21:49**

**Home**

My hip is hurting like an absolute bitch. I've been trying to carry on with the exercises they taught me at the hospital but it hurts too much and I'm fast running out of painkillers. It's horrible. But I'm scared that if I go back to the hospital, they'll keep me in again when I have only just escaped. Oh, I feel so blue.

It's been a whole week since I last saw Angelo. I think it's really over. I feel kind of sad. And pretty pissed off too.

Okay, this is hurting too much. They said hot baths would help so I'm going to give that a try.

* * *

><p><em>Next time… The town learns of Belle's cancer diagnosis, Angelo and Charlie get back together after she tells him the truth about her teenage pregnancy and Ruby and Xavier are caught in bed together…<em>


	63. Chapter 63

**Chapter Sixty Three**

**Monday 3****rd**** August**

**19:46**

**Home**

I still haven't ventured out of the house. My hip hurts too much and I'm feeling kind of vulnerable. I'll go out tomorrow though. It's kind of nice to stay at home and having a pity party. And besides, I can still get all the news from Leah and Rubes.

The biggest and saddest news of the day though is that Belle is dying of cancer. She's so young and beautiful and she and poor Aden have only just got married. I guess that explains why the whole thing was so rushed. I feel sick just thinking about what they're going through. Those poor people. I feel so sorry for them. Belle was so nice to invite me to her hen night when everyone was judging me and generally treating me like shit. And Aden was such a support to Joey. He looked after her and let's face it, he brought us together. I'll never be able to thank him enough for, even fleetingly, bringing that incredible woman into my life. I feel so sorry for them now though. I guess it puts everything into perspective for me though. What's a dodgy hip when someone who's barely twenty years old only has weeks to live?

I gather that they returned a little early from their honeymoon and broke the news to Irene, Geoff and Annie. And the news spread, as it always does in a place like this. Irene didn't take the news well. Who would? I hope they are all able to pull together at a time like this. It's kind of ironic really. Belle worked so hard to bring down the development site, believing that they caused cancer clusters. I wonder if this happened because of all the time she spent there, fighting them?

Ruby said that Annie found a lot of support in that new boy, Dexter. And Geoff and Nicole have been spending a lot of time together. She's been a mess lately, since all the Trey stuff, I guess. And now with the news about Belle, Geoff is also pretty shaken, as is everyone. Ruby also said that the news about Belle made her realise exactly what's important in life. She said it made her realise just how much she loves Xavier. I really hope that doesn't mean what I think it means. I'm trying not to freak out. But she does have a point. Maybe life is too short to waste it on being unhappy.

* * *

><p><strong>Monday 3<strong>**rd**** August**

**20:49**

**Home**

Okay, it probably wasn't the wisest thing to do in the world but I texted Joey. I was thinking about what Ruby said and... I don't know. I just couldn't stop myself. I said:

_Joey, I know you don't want to hear from me and I know I have to leave you to live your life. But I just couldn't help it tonight. I know I messed up and I know I hurt you an unforgiveable amount. But I need you to know just how much I love you. I hope you know that every good time we had, every time I said those three words to you – I meant them. You will always be the best thing that ever happened to me. I wish you were here. C xx_

* * *

><p><strong>Monday 3<strong>**rd**** August**

**22:31**

**Home**

She texted back! I'm so happy! She said:

_Even though I don't feel able to come back, I will treasure all the wonderful times we had together. For a while, I thought everything had been a lie but with distance and time, I came to know that you loved me. And I loved you. I always have. I always will. You will be in my heart forever. I do forgive you for what happened. I just can't take the risk of returning. But I hope you have an amazing life with so much joy and laughter. Love always, Joey xxx_

I've so far resisted the urge to call her. I know I have to be brave about this. But it feels good to know that there is peace between us now. We're not exactly 'best buddies sharing all our news' but we can text civilly and affectionately. That's good, right? Maybe we could have the kind of relationship where we can wish each other happy birthday, Christmas and that kind of thing? Maybe one day, she might even come home. I know it's silly to hold onto that but I have to. I love her so much. I miss her too much.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 4<strong>**th**** August**

**22:04**

**Home**

Well, Angelo and I are officially over. I feel sadder about it than I thought I would. I mean, I knew it was coming but it was still a bit of a shock. And I must admit, my pride is a bit dented. Here he is, the least popular man in town, a dodgy past and a heavy burden of a conscience, desperate to go out with me, no matter the cost and now... now he thinks he's better than me or something. I've been dumped by the town leper. I mean, I know I wasn't good enough for Joey but I felt like Angelo and I (at least with his past) were on a level somehow. He's a good but far from perfect man and I try to be good but I'm a far cry from perfect too. I guess I felt like that made us work somehow.

My hip was feeling a teeny tiny bit better and I was craving fresh air so I drove down to the Diner with the idea of getting a coffee and maybe sitting outside in the sunshine for a bit. I ran into Angelo and he apologised for not being around for 'the past few days'. The past few days! It's been over a fucking week! But I didn't make a fuss.

I invited him round to my place and that's where we had 'the talk'. He kept going on about how hurt he was about me not trusting him enough to tell him about Joey. He didn't seem to get that it wasn't all about him and that Joey isn't a subject I can talk about easily. But I couldn't go into how much pain is still there on my part over her. I couldn't express my feelings too strongly. It's not exactly what a partner wants to hear, is it – how much you loved your ex? And I know my feelings for Angelo could never compare so, as sad as I feel about it, maybe it was inevitable. Maybe I have to be either with Joey or nobody. And considering I will never get Joey back and Angelo has now broken up with me, it's looking like the latter.

I apologised for not being honest and said that that was a mistake. I should have been up front with him from the start. I asked for more time to sort myself out but it wasn't granted. He told me that he loved me then, which personally, I thought was a little soon. But he hit the nail on the head when he declared that he doesn't think I feel the same. I don't. I like him but that's the strongest I feel. And I don't know if it will ever be more than that. I felt it would be wrong to lie. I couldn't say those three words unless I meant them. I said them once to Roman by accident, without really meaning them. And I said them to Joey, meaning them with all my heart. But I can't say them to Angelo. I'm not ready and I don't know if I ever will be. So, he dumped me and left.

And do you know what? That isn't even the worst thing that happened today! In their new found lusty love, Ruby and Xavier decided that it would be a genius plan to skip school, sneak off to the farm and have sex. And as if that wasn't bad enough, Martha, Hugo, Dad and Morag caught them at it! Dad totally flipped. He started yelling about Ruby being only a child and that Xavier would rot in jail for what he'd done to her. He was talking about me and Grant. I think he must have had a moment and got confused. Fortunately nobody knew what on earth he was going on about but it was still pretty scary. I guess that's what he meant when he was trying to talk to me about this at the hospital. What am I going to do?

I gather there was some kind of altercation in the Surf Club later as well but Ruby is adamant that Xavier hasn't done anything wrong and that it was her idea. I accept that and I don't blame Xavier, although of course I wish he hadn't been so damn willing to take my daughter's virginity. Why couldn't she have waited?

I ran into Dad and Morag in the Diner and Morag took me to one side and said how concerned she was about Dad's reaction. Obviously, I completely understand why he reacted like that but I'm not talking about it, even if it means that Morag will worry. I know that's selfish but I cannot and will not say the words.

I did talk to Ruby about it but I didn't get anywhere. She reiterated that she and Xavier were in love. She asked me to trust her but right now, I don't feel like I can. I really thought, after what happened on her birthday, that the pair of them would wait but apparently not. This is too adult. She's not ready to be in this kind of world yet. She's too young. She's my baby.

She was actually really nice to me when she got home though, despite what happened earlier. When she found out about Angelo, she was really kind to me and I really appreciate her support.

She noticed that I was in more pain than I had been in the morning and so she's insisting that we go to the hospital in the morning. I've been avoiding it but I think I am going to have to go. I'm in too much pain. It's getting ridiculous now. Ruby was so lovely though. I felt like, even after the row today, we really shared a moment this evening. It meant a lot to me.

Leah tried to cheer me up a bit. She was really sweet. Apparently this Sid guy is the talk of the town. Colleen was harping on about his inability to raise his kids properly and stuff yesterday. Then he walked in and charmed her so much that she was practically offering to be at his beck and call. I wish I'd seen it. It sounds pretty funny. And let's face it – I could do with a laugh right about now.

And in some good news, the case against Rachel has been dropped and it looks like the baby's parents won't be trying to take it further, which is good. Now Tony and Rachel can focus on being full time parents to their newborn again. I'm pleased for them.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 5<strong>**th**** August**

**19:43**

**Home**

If I felt like shit yesterday then it was nothing compared to today. I feel like my world is ending. It started ending the day I lost Joey and everything is just spiralling and getting out of control. I'm digging myself deeper into the dark and I feel like my heart is breaking.

This morning, I went to the hospital with Ruby. We saw that new Doctor, Sid. He sent me for another x-ray and gave me some more painkillers, which are helping so far. But he commented on my caesarean scar right in front of Ruby! I mean, isn't there something like patient confidentiality? How could he just blurt it out like that? I could have killed him.

I dismissed the whole thing and stuck to the lie about it being a scar from an operation I had as a teenager. Ruby was full of questions, of course. Why would two Doctors make the same mistake? Why hadn't she known about an operation? I snapped at her a bit, for which I feel guilty but I absolutely cannot let her know my secret. It would destroy us forever. And I lied that she had known about the operation but she was probably too young to really remember it.

When Ruby left the room for my examination though, Sid mentioned the scar again. He made it clear that he knew I was lying and I admitted it. I said I'd had a baby when I was very young but that only me and my Dad knew about it and that's the way I wanted it to stay. Fortunately, he accepted that and I hope he will leave me alone now.

I'm not back at work yet so I ended up spending most of the day with Rubes. It was really nice actually and while we were making dinner, she talked to me a little about her and Xavier. I can't say it was the most comfortable conversation I have ever had but it's calmed me down a little. She said that he made it really special and that it was very tender and loving. She says she has no regrets other than being caught out by Dad and Morag. She told me that it was beautiful and she was glad of the way it had happened. I'm relieved that she had such a good experience. Not everyone gets that. And I should know.

She asked about my first time actually. Obviously I didn't go into detail but I admitted that it wasn't good. And then we were interrupted by Dad and Morag coming back anyway. Dad took me aside in the kitchen and tried to talk to me about the secret. I remained adamant that I couldn't tell anyone but he still wants me to. And it's sort of out now anyway.

I'm so fucking terrified. And I wish more than ever that Joey was here. She'd take care of me. She'd support me through all of this is only I hadn't been so damn stupid and lost her. I mean, where the fuck is Angelo? He's gone. I dared to keep something extremely personal and emotional from him and he ran out on me. I'd just been hit by a car for fuck's sake and I've been feeling like my world is crumbling down around me. And he abandoned me. I feel more alone than ever now. I have no Joey. I have no Angelo. My Dad – the only person who knows the real truth – is losing his mind. Morag and I have never been close. I couldn't tell Leah. And Ruby... well, if she knew, she'd hate me for the rest of her life. What the hell am I supposed to do?

Anyway, I guess Morag must have overheard us talking or something because she was very out of sorts over dinner, as were Dad and I. It drove poor Ruby crazy until she finally demanded to know what was going on. That's when Morag blurted out her dangerous fucking theory. She told everyone that I'd had a baby and given it away. I mean, I guess she was trying to do it in a nice way but she shouldn't have done it at all. If she wanted to be supportive – as it turns out she's been through that too – then she should have just taken me aside. She should never have confronted me in front of Rubes.

It was then that I blurted out a big, fat lie. I don't even know why I did it but the damage is done now and I can't take it back. I snapped at her that I'd had a baby and it had died. Then I stormed into my room and here I am. I'm shaking and I feel sick. I just can't bear this. I don't know what I'm meant to be doing for the best. I feel like I can't breathe. I need someone, anyone to take this pain away from me.

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 7<strong>**th**** August**

**10:06**

**Home**

What the fuck am I doing? I think I've made a terrible mistake and made a bad situation worse. I'm so scared.

Angelo and I are back together. I had a terrible night on Wednesday night with really bad nightmares, followed by a panic attack. I got so stressed out about it all and it got too much for me. Morag tried to apologise yesterday morning but I rejected her.

Then I invited Angelo back round. And I told him EVERYTHING. And I mean that. I told him that I was raped when I was fourteen and that I got pregnant. I then told him that the baby was a beautiful girl called Ruby and that she was raised as my sister instead of as my daughter. I'd struggled terribly after she was born and ran away to my aunt's house for a year.

I told him all of it and in all honesty, he was lovely. He was kind and caring and understanding. He was everything I'd hoped he would be. But I didn't tell him for the right reasons. And I don't know if I should have said anything at all. I'd scared myself so much about everything and I was so frightened of having to face this world alone. His gripe with me had been that I wasn't open and honest about certain things. Well, what better way to draw him back to me than to tell him my deepest, darkest, most disgusting secret?

And we both got what we wanted. He was pleased that I'd opened up to him and then he took me back. I'm his girlfriend again and everything is apparently rosy. But it's not. I'm still terrified of the world around me and I honestly don't know if he's going to help me with that. I want to cling to him but not because of who he is. If I had a choice about it, Joey is the one I would have opened up to. She's the one I would have clung to. But she's not here. And Angelo is. It's not more than that and I feel pretty sick about it. At least I didn't have to sleep with him. I made out like I would have wanted to have him over but I didn't. I couldn't bear it. Fortunately, Ruby and I are sharing a room at the moment because Dad and Morag are here.

I gather that I cried in my sleep because when I woke up in the night, Ruby was cuddling me and trying to make everything better. How did I get in so deep? I can't cope. Angelo thinks everything is perfect again. But I don't feel the same and I have no idea what to do. I'm keeping a smile on my face and I'm making it work as best I can but I'm terrified. I think I'm going to throw up.

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 7<strong>**th**** August**

**12:59**

**Home**

I'm feeling a little more human again and I did indeed throw up. But I'm a bit calmer. I'm not fixed enough to dare leave the house today and I'm still a bit shaky but I feel a little less lost. And I can't write much more about what's going on. I need to write about other stuff. Unimportant stuff...

Um... Apparently the DNA from the sand in the hand is a close match to the Indonesian man who ran away from the hospital. Okay, that is important but it's not scary like the situation I've wound up in. Not for me, anyway.

What else? Oh! Nicole got drunk at a party on Monday night and had to be taken home by the police. When they got back, she threw up on poor Watson's shoes. I bet that was just lovely!

And on Tuesday night, Rachel freaked out at Tony in the middle of the Diner. She'd gone for a nap and he'd taken Harry out. She'd woken up and found her son gone and totally freaked out. She's told Leah since that she's not sure she's coping with motherhood, which is a shock. Rachel copes with everything. That's just who she is. It must be scary to think she's out of control. And of course, I empathise a lot. But I don't want to talk about that.

Ruby was really sweet after I said my baby had died. She comforted me and asked a few questions. I lied again. The words just tripped off my tongue. I told her I was sixteen and had a baby boy. But I was fourteen and had a baby girl. _Her. _No. I don't want to talk about this. I can't talk about it.

Something else... Um...

Dad apologised to Hugo and Martha about his behaviour towards Xavier. And Morag and I have since made peace. I tried to suggest that they move on but Morag refused. Part of the reason I'm so damn scared is because I know that Dad could lose the plot at any time. He could let anything slip and goodness know what bloody Morag would do about it. And Ruby can never, ever know the truth. I can't tell her. She can't find out. I'd lose her forever. Life already doesn't feel like it's worth living. The one shred of hope I have in my heart is Ruby. I can't fuck things up even more. I won't.

Kirsty has started University and her first day went really well until she brought some of her new mates home. They started a study session but it turned into a drinking session and Miles ended up chucking them out, which has caused a few problems between him and Kirsty.

I'm running out trivial things to write. I'm shaking again. I can't cope. I feel sick. JOEY, PLEASE COME HOME AND SAVE ME. I LOVE YOU. I NEED YOU.

But, no. I'm too much of a fuck up. She never wants to see me again and I don't blame her. I should have run off to Auntie Michelle's and damn well stayed there. Ruby should never have known me. I shouldn't have come to Summer Bay. And I shouldn't have had the power to break the heart of someone so incredible. My whole life is one big mistake.

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 8<strong>**th**** August**

**16:00**

**The Beach**

Things have taken a turn for the worse with poor Belle. It's kind of shaken me out of my own problems, although I still feel very lost. Angelo is working all day and I hung out at home. But I've ventured out now and I think the fresh air is doing me good. We're going out to dinner later and I know that he's keen for me to spend the night with him together. But I can't. My brain – not to mention my body – feels so broken right now and I can't cope.

But anyway, more importantly, it looks like we're going to lose Belle sooner rather than later. Leah said she came to the Diner with Nicole earlier and she looked particularly weak. But then they said they were going for a walk and then swimming. I hope she's okay. I mean, well – that was a stupid thing to say. Of course she isn't going to be okay. She's dying. She's not that much older than Ruby and she's about to die.

I gather that things are a little tense still between Miles and Kirsty after he threw her University friends out. They've been through so much together. I hope they work things out. I don't really know Kirsty very well but Miles is one of the nicest guys I have ever known.

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 8<strong>**th**** August**

**22:00**

**Home**

I'm tucked up in bed and still sharing with Ruby. She's reading and I'm allowed to keep the light on until she has finished her chapter.

I had a nice enough evening with Angelo. I hope I made enough effort and he seemed to make a go of things with me, which was nice. He's a sweet guy. I just wish he could be 'the one'. He tried to talk about the... stuff but we were in public and I made him shut up. Just because I've told him the whole truth about me doesn't mean I want to discuss it every second. In fact, I never want to discuss any of it again.

It was easy enough to distract him. He's still got his vendetta going against Hugo and appears to have been keeping him under surveillance, which I think is only going to antagonise the guy. He's convinced that he's into this abalone thing, although now he's starting to wonder if Gibbsy and Squirt – the guys who worked on the trawler with Joey and Aden – might be involved as well. Not instead of, of course. But as well as. I hope he isn't right though. I know Martha hates me at the moment (join the queue!) but it would be terrible if the guy she has fallen in love with, post Jack, turned out to be mixed up in something murky.

Angelo asked me to spend the night with him but I declined. I blamed it on Dad and Morag being around and me wanting to spend as much time with my father as I can. But it's not true. I know it sounds terrible and I swear it doesn't mean I don't love him, but the sooner Dad and Morag go home, the better. Dad could make a slip up in front of anyone at any moment and then it really would be the end of the world. I'd never cope with that. Never.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 9<strong>**th**** August**

**20:30**

**Home**

All everyone is talking and thinking about at the moment is Belle. It's like a death cloud is hanging over the Bay and nobody can breathe. It's awful. And I know it should make me feel grateful for everything I have and make me value life but everything still feels so hard. I'm terrified that my darling Ruby is going to learn the truth about me. And Angelo seems to think we should be skipping through a meadow in the sunshine but I'm just not there.

Amanda and Ryan came to the Bay in order to spend time with Belle but I gather that it only made things worse. I feel sorry for Amanda because she was obviously only trying to help but it didn't work. She and Aden argued a lot about Belle's treatment. Amanda thinks Belle should be in the hospital, which, okay, might be correct. But she already knows it's too late and I completely understand that she wants to have her final moments at home with her loved ones.

Anyway, when Aden went to the pharmacy, Amanda called an ambulance and Belle was taken to hospital. There were a vast amount of arguments and eventually Rachel was called in to give a three millionth opinion and Belle was finally sent home. I think they've gone to Irene's house. I guess at least there everyone can look after her and it's not just down to Aden. I feel so sorry for both of them. How heartbreaking must this be?

A drug free Liam Murphy arrived back in town today. Apparently, as part of his twelve step program, he has to apologise to those to whom he has done wrong and he decided to approach poor Aden and Belle. I bet he got a shock.

And Leah confided that she is worried about Rachel who is still struggling to be a calm mother to Harry. I would love to go round and offer my support. Rachel is such a nice woman and I'd love to tell her that I can understand post-natal depression but obviously, I can't. And who am I to even try anyway? It's not like I'm a success story. I don't think I've ever had a success story in my life.

Oh, and it sounds like Leah is less than pleased with that Sid guy. It's not like her to be judgemental but she says that she really doesn't like him! He seemed okay to me but he's already come with a real reputation!

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Charlie makes an effort with Angelo, Ruby learns the truth about Charlie and Belle dies…<em>


	64. Chapter 64

_I am really rubbish at this updating malarkey, aren't I! Sorry about that. I had a really bad day yesterday so I went into hiding. I may or may not update over the weekend as I have a friend coming to visit but I hope to be back tomorrow for sure. Love, IJKS xxx_

**Chapter Sixty Four**

**Monday 10****th**** August**

**13:09**

**The Beach**

Belle died in the early hours of this morning. The clouds are so grey today and it looks like the Heavens are going to open any minute now but I don't want to move. Maybe the sky is crying for Belle.

I know I wasn't especially close to her but I still feel very sad, especially for the people who really were close to her – like Aden, Irene, Geoff, Annie, Nicole. And it's not like all of them haven't already been through enough. Why is there so much pain in this world?

Ruby wept when she found out. I cuddled her for well over an hour and I ended up crying a little too.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 11<strong>**th**** August**

**12:00**

**Home**

I spent the rest of yesterday with Angelo and he was pretty cut up to hear about Belle. I know they weren't really friends by the end of her life, and he was literally the only resident of Summer Bay that she and Aden didn't invite to their wedding, but they had made a kind of peace over the way Angelo helped Irene.

And of course, they dated once upon a time. Right after Aden tried to kill his father, Angelo rescued Belle and they got together. It was clear to everyone but poor Angelo that Belle still loved Aden and wasn't really into him. And then she started seeing Aden behind his back. That really set Angelo off. I remember him being very hurt and getting kind of aggressive about things. He even punched a wall and got accused of hitting Belle.

It's funny really – that's how we got together. I was grieving for Roman and he was grieving for Belle and it just made sense. Who would have known that after everything that has happened between then and now, namely Jack and Joey, that we would have ended up together again?

And thinking about the way Belle treated Angelo makes me worry a little. Am I not just doing the same thing? I hope I would never cheat on anyone again. Joey was the first and last person I would ever hurt like that – which is kind of ironic considering she is the person I cared about the most. I'm still hopelessly and desperately in love with her. But I'm seeing Angelo. Belle loved Aden but was dating Angelo. How can this end well?

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 12<strong>**th**** August**

**22:15**

**Home**

I just got back from spending the day with Angelo. It was nice actually and I hope I made enough effort. It would have been mine and Joey's four month anniversary tomorrow. It's also Belle's funeral, which I feel is pretty quick. It took two weeks for us to be able to cremate my Mum but then, I guess the population in the city is significantly higher than in Summer Bay. Less people must die here, although in just over a year, I will have been to no less than two funerals.

Anyway, I spent the day with Angelo at his apartment. We just hung out and it was nice to actually focus on each other rather than the world around us. We talked a lot and we had a couple of sex sessions. It was okay. I'm getting used to being with him again. I think today was important for us, although he doesn't really know how much I'm struggling with things post-Joey. But today, I decided that I can do it. I mean, I don't know how long we'll last. I certainly don't think it's a forever deal and I know that I'd drop him or anybody if Joey came home and decided to give me a second chance. But I think, for the time being, we could be kind of happy.

One thing we did talk a lot about today was Ruby. He had more questions about what I had been through and he seems to think I should tell her the truth. I had to stop myself getting defensive and argumentative because I know he's only saying it because he cares. But like I said to him, there is no way on earth that I'm going to even consider it. Never.

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 13<strong>**th**** August**

**20:49**

**Home**

Well, it would have been mine and Joey's anniversary today. Four months. I wish we had got this far. I can't stop picturing how my life could have been now if she was still here, if she still loved me.

We all went to Belle's funeral today. It was heartbreaking. Ruby and I clung to each other and wept as people shared their feelings about such a popular girl. When we got outside, there were loads of balloons for us to set off. Aden wasn't impressed and stormed off. I considered following and checking he was okay but Nicole got there first. She's closer to him than I am anyway. But we set the balloons off ourselves. Apparently Belle had arranged them in advance.

We were about to set off to the wake when Liam showed up – high as a fucking kite. It was sickening really. I mean, doesn't he have any respect? I know Belle meant a lot to him but this isn't the way to pay his respects. Geoff got rid of him though, thank goodness.

Angelo asked to see me tonight. He felt like we had really 'connected' yesterday and I guess in a way, we did. I think it means a lot to him that I told him the full truth about my past and about Ruby. He's asked a little more about Joey and I tried to be honest but I just can't talk about her. I'm not ready. I don't know if ever will be.

But anyway, I told him I wanted to be with Ruby tonight, which is true. We've hung out for most of the evening and I'm just writing in here while she's taking a bath. Then we're going to watch a DVD or something and eat some junk. I think we deserve it.

It's been a really hard day and I've missed Joey more than ever. I don't even know how that's possible but the ache in my heart is getting stronger rather than weaker.

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 14<strong>**th**** August**

**13:59**

**The Beach**

I'm going to go to work tomorrow. I don't officially start back until Monday but at least for the first day, I'm going to be trapped by a load of paperwork so I think it would be a good idea to get a head start on myself. At least then I can actually get to some proper policing when I start back. Otherwise I'm just going to be constantly chasing my tail and that's never good. Plus, it's a good distraction for me.

All I can think about is this situation I've stumbled into. I thought the past was exactly that. I thought it was gone and I'd never have to deal with it again. I never _wanted _to deal with it again. It was hard enough to suffer that kind of violence and then learn I was pregnant. And it was just as hard to give my baby girl up – even if it was just to my parents and not some strangers. But to have known and loved my Ruby for sixteen years and to lose her? That would be hell on earth. Absolute hell.

Angelo is working today but we're going for dinner this evening. He's got his head stuck in this abalone case still and he continues to be convinced that Hugo is involved. I'm not entirely sure why he has such a vendetta against him but he really, really does. It's kind of weird. Anyway, I'm sure he'll distract me with that, which is useful. I think he's a wonderful guy but he's also extremely selfish. His world definitely revolves around himself. I think that's a fair statement.

But he has also been surprisingly nice about all of this stuff, although I know I only told him because I was trying to get him back. I knew if I trusted him with my biggest secret, he'd feel special and want to make things work. And I need to not be alone right now. Without Joey, I'm a mess. And if she's not here then I need someone else. And I do care about Angelo.

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 14<strong>**th**** August**

**19:04**

**Home**

I am absolutely certain that Morag knows something. It's been playing on my mind for a few days now. She's just being... different around me. Has Dad let something slip? I can't ask her though because if I'm wrong and she _doesn't _know something, then she'll know that there's something to know. Okay, I _think _that makes sense. I feel sick.

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 15<strong>**th**** August**

**21:44**

**Home**

I had a really, really long day at work and I wasn't even meant to be back yet! But I got a tonne of paperwork done and I have almost caught up on myself. So I feel much calmer about starting back at work on Monday.

Dinner last night was different than I thought it would be. Angelo talked lots and lots and lots like he always does and always has done, but he also gave me space to talk about how I was feeling about... stuff.

We went to the beach for that so that it was private and nobody could listen in and start gossiping. He was pretty sweet about it, although he seems to think all my problems will be over if I just tell Ruby the truth. I wish it was that simple!

He and I had a nice lunch together today as well, although we're still getting horrible looks from Colleen. I'm sure she'll get over it though. Technically, if he hadn't dumped me for those few days, today would have been our one month anniversary. Does it even count? I don't know. I chose not to mention it. Considering I still count my 'would be' anniversaries with Joey, I'm not sure I'm up to celebrating anniversaries with Angelo yet.

As usual, he asked if we might get to spend the night together tonight. I don't know why I'm avoiding it. I mean, I spent the day with him on Wednesday and we slept together then. But, well, for starters I haven't been sleeping properly. Ruby says I keep crying in my sleep and that in turn leads her to asking a tonne of questions about the baby boy who apparently died. And I just can't talk about it.

I know Ruby. She's not going to let this drop. Dad can't be trusted, Angelo knows, Morag knows and Ruby is desperate for answers. What the hell am I going to do?

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 16<strong>**th**** August**

**11:52**

**Home**

Well, I haven't had the best of mornings so far. Ruby started first thing, saying that Belle's passing had made her think a lot about death and losing loved ones. Then she said that she wanted to go and visit my son's grave. I just felt sick. Morag stepped in and suggested that perhaps now wasn't the right time to be quizzing me about that kind of thing. I'm grateful but it only furthers my theory that she knows the truth.

Ruby went off to meet up with Xavier, and Morag and Dad went out for a walk. I've been pacing the house like a wild animal. I feel sick and anxious and I don't know what to do. My first instinct was to call Joey but I don't think that's going to help somehow. _Oh yeah, Jo, I lied to you. The reason I understood so much of what you were going through is because it happened to me when I was a kid. Oh, and by the way, I had a kid. She was raised as my sister instead of my daughter and now the whole thing is threatening to explode on me. So, how's life at sea?_

Yeah, I don't think so.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 16<strong>**th**** August**

**15:12**

**Home**

I called Angelo. He was very kind actually and came right round. We talked for a good long while about Ruby and about Morag. I know I'm still not quite sure about us but I truly do appreciate his support. I hope I can trust him. I guess I'm still terrified that he's going to turn on me or hurt me or lie to me or something. And maybe he will. But I just hope it's not now. If it was during this whole mess, I think my head would explode.

Anyway, later, when Angelo went back to work, Dad and Morag came back home. Dad went for a lie down. He doesn't look too well to me. I think this is all getting to him. He wants me to tell Ruby the truth but I just can't. But Morag hovered and I finally plucked up the courage to find out what she knew. Dad slipped up and told her that my baby was adopted but from what I can gather, she doesn't know that it was Rubes. She was very kind to me and pledged her support, as well as promising to keep it a secret. But that's when Ruby walked in.

She had overheard everything so thank goodness Morag _didn't _know the full story! She was hurt enough that I'd lied to her about some child she didn't even know. How the hell would she feel if she knew it was her – that she's my baby and that I totally let her down every damn day of life?

We argued a little and I promised that there would be no more secrets, although inevitably there will be. I said that I was too young to have a child and so it was best for him that he went to parents that were mature and capable and able to give him the love and life that he deserved.

She wasn't satisfied, of course and left again, although I hope and pray that she'll just leave it there now. I mean, I know she won't but I can dream, can't I? I just want this whole matter put to bed. I was to forget about everything and move on with my life.

Why can't I move on with my pathetic fucking life? I keep trying and I keep failing. I'm meant to be moving on with Angelo but all I think about is Joey. And the truth about me and Ruby is meant to be dead and buried but here it is, right here in front of us and I'm terrified that people are going to start seeing it.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 16<strong>**th**** August**

**16:38**

**Home**

Angelo just told me that Ruby found him in the Surf Club and asked him to track my son down. How could she do that to me? Even if I was telling the truth, wouldn't this be my choice? As far as she's aware, I gave my baby up for the right reasons and he's off living a happy life without me. How dare she try to change that? How dare she try and thrust these kinds of decisions on me. It's not fair.

And on top of that, it's only making Angelo insist more strongly that I should tell her the truth. I can't! I won't! And nobody can make me.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 16<strong>**th**** August**

**17:02**

**Home**

She's not going to let this drop, is she? None of this is ever going to go away.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 16<strong>**th**** August**

**19:23**

**Home**

Ruby knows the truth. My life is over.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 16<strong>**th**** August**

**20:00**

**Home**

I don't know what the fuck I'm meant to be doing here. My whole life feels like it has imploded around me and I'm being sucked into some kind of vortex of misery. I hate myself. And Ruby hates me. I have five worst days of my life and this is one of them. The others are the day I was raped, the day I decided to let Mum and Dad raise Ruby as their own, the day Mum died and the day Joey left me. What the hell am I meant to do? How can I make this better?

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Ruby runs away with Geoff, Ross falls into danger after an argument with Charlie and Harry is abducted…<em>


	65. Chapter 65

_I'm finding that there just isn't enough time in the day at the moment so I am going to have to stop the extra updates. For the time being, until I have fixed a few things in my life, it will be just one chapter of one story each day. I will update 'A Different Way' now and then it will be just be 'The Funeral' tomorrow. I hope you enjoy the chapter. Love, IJKS xxx_

**Chapter Sixty Five**

**Monday 17****th**** August**

**02:18**

**Home**

Ruby is spending the night at Irene's place and I don't know if she is ever coming back. She hates me. I think she actually hates me. But she can't hate me more than I hate myself right now, not more than I've always hated myself.

She came back to the house after I promised no more secrets and she apologised for asking Angelo to help her track her nephew down. I hoped we could leave it at that. She's never been one to apologise unless she has to – I guess she gets that from me – so I hoped that could be the end of it. She'd realise that I was hurting over it and that I needed her to let it drop. She didn't. She kept asking questions. She kept needing answers. She said it felt like she didn't know me anymore. And I guess that makes sense. Everything she thought she understood about me and my life is different. Giving your baby away isn't exactly an easy thing to do. It's a life changing event.

Anyway, we were in the kitchen and she was still quizzing me. And I told her. I told her – just like that. I blurted it out. She'd been asking if I ever wondered how my child turned out and if he ended up with good parents. I said that I knew my child had had wonderful parents and I'd never had to wonder about her – because I'd seen her nearly every day of her life. I told her that she was my daughter.

She stared at me in disbelief for a while, almost begging me to take back what I'd said. When I couldn't, she fled. I called Dad and warned him but Ruby found him anyway and started yelling about him being a liar. Then I gather she ran into Angelo on the beach and the stupid bastard blurted out the whole truth – that I was raped. He's a cop for fuck's sake! He's supposed to know how to play people! I can understand how Hugo would be thick enough to give the game away to Joey back in April but Angelo? How could he so carelessly tell Ruby that she was the product of rape? What a fucking idiot!

Okay, I'm shaking too badly right now. I have to stop writing.

* * *

><p><strong>Monday 17<strong>**th**** August**

**04:45**

**Home**

I have an early start tomorrow and it's my first day back at work after so many weeks sick leave. And it looks like I'm not going to get any sleep at all. I had a panic attack after my last entry and once I'd managed to calm myself down, using techniques that Joey taught me when she suffered with them, I just lay on my bed for hours. Ruby and I have been sharing my room since Dad and Morag came to stay but now I'm here all alone. I think I've lost her forever.

After yelling at Dad and talking to Angelo, Ruby came home to me and we talked things through. I told her the whole story of what happened – how I'd been attacked by a boy from school. He'd been my boyfriend but he took things too far when I said no, I didn't want to. He raped me and I panicked. I didn't tell anyone about the rape or the pregnancy until it was pretty advanced. I gave birth to Ruby and I tried to be her Mum but I just couldn't. I was fourteen, terrified and dealing with being a rape victim and a new Mum with post-natal depression and probably post-traumatic stress. So one night, I ran away. I went to Auntie Michelle's house and I lived with her for a year. She helped put me back together when I thought it was impossible.

When I came back to my family, Ruby was already a year old and she had bonded with Mum and Dad. She looked to them like they were her parents and I was just a stranger. I wanted to be her mother but it was too late. We decided that the kindest thing to do was let Mum and Dad adopt her and raise her as my sister instead of as my daughter.

I told her all of those things and she listened with heartbreaking patience. She empathised with my story and told me she felt awful for the things I'd been through. But it doesn't excuse what I did and the lies I told. She doesn't forgive me and she can't be around me.

Then she left for a while and I gather she managed to convince Martha, Hugo and Xavier to let her move in with them. I hit the roof of course when she came back to pack her things. I laid into Martha, which I feel pretty guilty about. I really should apologise. I accused her of interfering and getting revenge on me because I'm dating Angelo, which may or may not be true. I don't know. Ruby was all set to leave me but Martha changed her mind. She said she couldn't move in unless I said she could and I refused to give my permission.

But she's gone anyway. Like I say, she's at Irene's. And when she walked out that door, the very faint hope of happiness that I've been clinging onto since Joey left me, went with her. Joey and Ruby – the two most important people in my life and they're both gone. Am I that bad a person? Yes. Yes, I am. I deserve everything I get.

* * *

><p><strong>Monday 17<strong>**th**** August**

**20:30**

**Home**

It's been another day from hell. Ruby has gone. Like, she's left town, gone. I don't know where the hell she is or if and when she might be coming back. I've tried to call her every chance I get but she's turned her phone off. My only comfort (sort of) is that she's gone with Geoff. At least he's (mostly) a nice boy.

Angelo is coming over tonight. I don't think I could actually feel any worse than I do now so sleeping with him in the bed I shared with Joey is probably a redundant concern. She's gone. She says she loves me but she obviously doesn't. If she loved me, she could have forgiven me and she could have come home to start again like she said she would. She's probably met some gorgeous woman who's swept her off her feet. She probably barely remembers who I am. I'm right down here in the gutter and this is where I'm staying.

Fuck her. Fuck everyone.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 18<strong>**th**** August**

**18:18**

**Home**

It's been one hell of a day. I'm resisting getting drunk and/or throwing myself at Angelo again when my heart isn't in it. It was so wrong of me to do that last night. I was just so broken. When I'm intimate with him, it should be because I _want _to be intimate with him – not because I'm trying to get out of my head and NOT when the single person I want to take comfort in is long gone.

I didn't mean to speak badly of Joey yesterday. I'm not angry with her. I understand completely where she's coming from and why she won't come home. I don't deserve her to. It's a simple as that.

Angelo wanted to come and see me again tonight. He's either oblivious to how fucked up I feel or he doesn't care. I mean, he's kind and everything and he's been patient and listened to me talk about Ruby. But then it's like, he switches ever so suddenly. It's like 'okay, we're done with your problems now so let's do something else'. It doesn't help. Nothing helps.

Anyway, I guess I'd better write everything that's happened down before my brain actually explodes.

Ruby spent Sunday night at Irene's house and she avoided me and my phone calls all day. I tried to talk to her but figured that maybe she needed time and space. And clearly she does. I thought she'd come and find me later, or maybe take one of my calls but instead, she skipped town with Geoff.

I have no idea where they've gone or if they're safe. My heart is threatening to burst with fear and panic. I'm terrified that I have lost her forever. My one comfort is that Geoff is a mature, honest person and I would hope that he would look after her. But she hasn't called or even texted. She's refused to get in touch and she's turned her phone off because I kept ringing on repeat. They have gone in Geoff's car but I don't even know if they have money or anything. Geoff has done this before and he came back safe and sound but Ruby is too little to be out there in the big wide world without me. I'm so scared for her. I don't know if she is ever coming back. And even if she does, who's to say she'll talk to me then anyway? What if this is it, just like I feared? What if she spends the rest of her life hating me?

And on top of all that, I had to go back to work yesterday and I wasn't exactly broken in gently. Martha and Hugo were babysitting Harry in order to give Tony and Rachel (especially Rachel) a bit of a break. But while they were in the lounge and the baby was asleep in his room, he was abducted through the window. Rachel freaked, understandably. And I think she was at least temporarily pissed off with Hugo and Martha, although it wasn't their fault. I think mostly she was mad at herself. She told me she was sure that that couple whose baby died – Jane and Rex – had been following her.

I interviewed Hugo and Martha and then started the search. I went to Jane and Rex's house and Rex answered the door. Of course, he denied all knowledge. Then I brought his wife in for questioning at the police station. She insisted that she had nothing to do with it but I didn't trust her so secretly ordered surveillance on them for the next twenty-four hours. We kept the search going but we were just chasing our tails so I split my team between watching Rex and Jane and looking for another culprit.

I gather that Rachel went round to their house in the middle of the night and laid into them but I think I can conveniently forget about that. A mother will do anything to take care of her kid – you know, unless she's a fucking failure like I am.

Anyway, today, after what must have been a frantic night for poor Tony and Rachel, we got Harry back. At the same time as my team had followed Jane to an abandoned cottage, Rachel happened to bump into a letting agent who recognised her name from the leaflets she was handing out. Basically, Jane had fraudulently rented a cottage in Rachel's name and she was keeping the baby there.

It was a hard negotiation to convince Jane to give Harry back to Rachel but I just about managed it. It was emotional for everyone, including me. I just kept thinking about Ruby and if I'm honest, I nearly broke down in the middle of it all. But Harry was returned to his parents and Jane has been arrested and charged. She's clearly unstable after her bereavement and just chose to focus her brokenness and rage on Rachel. I hope she'll get the help she needs. She was a pretty desperate woman. I guess we all do crazy things when we're hurting.

And now my day is over and I've got a whole evening of lonely depression ahead of me. Aren't I lucky?

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 19<strong>**th**** August**

**21:58**

**Home**

I still haven't heard a thing from Ruby and she still won't take my calls or answer my text messages. I've spoken to every single person she knows, including people who live here and friends from the city and her old boarding school but nobody seems to have heard anything from her. I'm so scared that I've lost her forever. All I can hope is that she'll come home eventually and want to work things out but then, I'd hoped that for Joey and now look where we are.

On top of that, everyone is gossiping and spreading the news. Everyone knows about the rape and that Ruby is my daughter and not my sister. Colleen must be having a riot, although I am avoiding the Diner like the plague. I'm avoiding everything really, although, despite my boss's objections, I am at work. I can't bear to hang around at home feeling sorry for myself. I have to keep busy. And I have to stop writing constantly about this situation with Ruby. I need to distract myself.

Aden is still a mess, understandably. His world revolved around Belle. What is he going to do now that she is gone? It was bad enough losing Joey but at least I know she's safe and well and enjoying her life. What if she was really gone? Morag said she went to visit Aden on Sunday but he threw her out and I gather he's been doing that with everyone else too.

Angelo has been caught up with work. We had dinner together tonight and he told me all about it. He narrowly missed catching up with that Indonesian man on Monday and he's kicking himself now for failing. He'd been down at the docks after an anonymous tip-off about the abalone scam. Someone called him and told him the time and the place that they'd be bringing it in. Angelo was waiting when he spotted the illegal immigrant so I guess that case won out over the abalone.

But anyway, later that day, through what I gather what were not legal means, he obtained a key to Hugo's boatshed. In there, he found thousands of dollars worth of abalone and immediately arrested Hugo. I doubt he was able to downplay how smug he felt either. He's been after him for ages.

However, it soon transpired that Hugo was innocent after all. Basically, he'd figured out that Gibbsy and his crew were using poor Irene's trawler to do it and, wanting to get Angelo off his back, Hugo told them he wanted in. He made an order and arranged a meet, tipping Angelo off in the process. But Angelo missed the meeting because he was chasing after the Indonesian – whose DNA is a close but not exact match to the hand in the sand.

When Angelo arrested Hugo, he explained everything and Martha backed him up. Apparently Hugo had told her about it while they were babysitting that day. Angelo didn't believe it of course but when he went through the CCTV footage, proving that Hugo made the tip-off from the Surf Club on Sunday evening, he had to let him go. He wasn't feeling quite so smug then, I gather.

He wrapped the case up last night when he caught Gibbsy and his crew coming in with more abalone. I think Hugo or Angelo or both might have rescued Aden from getting into trouble, not that I'm going to kick up a fuss about it. The less problems Aden has, the better. I think the least we can do is look out for him and cut him some slack.

Every ounce of my soul wants to call Joey and talk it all through with her. I think it would help so much but I can't. Firstly, it's not fair to burden her. And secondly, I know if she didn't want to know, I'd be crushed. She'd be well within her rights not to want to talk to me or be there for me but it would hurt terribly. I don't think I should take the risk. If she rejected me I think I really would fall apart and I hope I am just about keeping it together. For now.

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 20<strong>**th**** August**

**17:30**

**Home**

I've done another long shift today, making sure I kept trying to ring Ruby every chance I got. I've pretty much been surgically attached to my phone ever since that night. I wish I had never told her the truth. I know you shouldn't lie and honesty is the best policy and everything but I'm really not sure it's true in this case.

It _was _true in Joey's case. I still wonder, even now if, had I been honest about Hugo right after it happened, she might have found it in her heart to forgive me. We might have found a way for her to stay. But anyway, there's no point dwelling on that.

Everyone seems very worried about Nicole of late. She's so busy trying (and apparently failing) to look after poor Aden that she doesn't seem to be looking after herself. She had a go at that new girl, Indigo and Sid stepped in to defend his daughter. It all looked a bit tense for a while there. And I've seen Annie hanging out with both Dexter and Jai separately and it all looks a bit awkward. I miss Ruby so much. With all of this going on, she would have spent hours relaying everyone's lives to me. It was part of our bonding, I guess. And now I don't know if I will ever be allowed to talk to her again.

I don't know if I will ever be able to lift myself out of this depression either. I have never felt so alone. A few short months ago, I had everything. Now, I don't have anything at all. Angelo tries. I know he does. But he's also very caught up in his own stuff and he clearly has to concentrate and remind himself to sit and listen to me. It doesn't come naturally. I find that pretty hard.

What's that discussion they had on _Will and Grace_? In a relationship, one person is the flower and one person is the gardener. Angelo is the flower. Joey was (mostly) the gardener. I feel like we had a pretty good mix between us. And I really need to be a flower right now, even just for a little while.

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 21<strong>**st**** August**

**16:04**

**The Beach**

Ruby and Geoff have shown up at Auntie Michelle's house. I feel sick. And I'm completely panicked about what is going to happen now. Auntie Michelle was the person I turned to back then. She let me live with her for a whole year while I was putting myself back together. She _helped _me put myself back together. What good can ever come of Ruby spending time with her? I don't want her to know the state I was in when I lived there... when I left my baby behind. The less she knows about all of this, the better. I can't cope with any of it. I just can't cope. Angelo wants to see me tonight but I can't cope with that either. I can't cope anything.

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 22<strong>**nd**** August**

**09:40**

**Home**

I ended up seeing Angelo last night and it didn't go so well. I think he enjoyed himself but I guess I'm not in the right head space. He started to complain that I wasn't very present with him and said he felt like I was shutting him out again. I tried not to snap at him, although it was my first instinct. I tried to explain that my head was all over the place and I couldn't really articulate how I was feeling. He struggled with it a bit but managed to distract him by letting him talk pretty much all night about his success with the abalone case and his plans for sweeping up the ranks at work.

He said that he feels like he's getting his life back on track now – he's working again, people just about tolerate him in town and he has the girlfriend he's always wanted. It's a nice compliment and I will definitely take it, even though I couldn't feel any more differently. I feel like my life is almost over and nothing right now is really making me happy.

I was keen to go home last night. I never sleep that well really when I'm sharing a bed with someone (except when I was with Joey) but he pretty much begged me. He was about to start going on about me not 'being present' with him again so I stopped trying to leave. We went to bed. I didn't really enjoy it but he clearly did. And I went to sleep as quickly as I could.

But I lied this morning and told him I needed to get back to do a few bits at home before work so that's how come I'm here. We're on shift together all day today so I needed a bit of a break. Is that a terrible thing to say? It is, isn't it? I'm supposed to be committed to this man, sharing my life with him. And I don't seem to really be there.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 23<strong>**rd**** August**

**00:42**

**Home**

What an awful fucking day. I'm too strung out to go to sleep and despite Angelo trying to coerce me into letting him stay, I've come home with nobody but Dad and Morag. They're now safely tucked up in their room and I'm in here.

I worked all day but Dad came and found me. I guess I've been avoiding him lately. A lot of old wounds have opened and I haven't known how to deal with them. I haven't even known how to write about them in here. And Dad is fragile. I didn't want to hurt him with anything I might snap out so I deliberately didn't talk to him. But he cornered me and begged me to let him know what's going on. So I did. And I hurt him.

I told him how upset I have been all these years about how he handled my pregnancy. He made me feel like it was my fault and he didn't help me raise my baby myself. I didn't feel supported. I felt judged. And I ran. And then when I came back, he and Mum were very eager to take Ruby from me for good.

And as for how I got pregnant... Dad didn't even consider charging that bastard with what he did to me. He said it was because we were both minors and Grant had been my boyfriend at the time. Why the hell should that matter? I've known lots of girls to get raped by their boyfriends. Just because you're dating somebody, it doesn't give them the right to have sex with you if you don't want it. I mean, look at poor Tanya. Robbo raped and battered her and then he tried to kill her, having done the same damn thing to poor Joey. And now Tanya will be dealing with brain damage for the rest of her life. He nearly destroyed her and Joey both.

So I guess that yes, it hurt me terribly that Dad, a Detective of all things, didn't see fit to pursue my case. He spent every day of his life saving other people and he didn't bother getting justice for me. It made me feel worthless. It made me feel like I didn't deserve justice. It made me feel like I was to blame for what happened.

Against my will, all of this came tumbling out of my mouth tonight and I feel sick about it. Dad was so broken but I was too angry to even care and I hate myself for that. I told him that in a rape case, even if it's difficult, you should always take care of the victim. ALWAYS.

I just wish I had supported Joey the whole way like I promised. And thinking about that right now, I'm going to break the rules and check on her case, find out what's going on. Robbo changed his plea to guilty so she doesn't have to appear – which is good because I chased her out of town – but I hope he gets sent down forever.

Anyway, I also told Dad that if I lost Ruby over all of this, I would never forgive him. I don't know if that's true or not. I can't even contemplate losing Ruby for good. It tears me up too much inside and it hurts too badly. But whether it's true or not, I shouldn't have said it. He's not a well man and he can't deal with being stressed and upset.

He wandered off and I now know that he ended up at the beach and fell into the sea. Morag came to the station looking for him and we, plus Angelo and Alf formed a search party. Morag panicked when he found his phone discarded on the beach.

He showed up, soaking wet and utterly confused at Rachel's place. She looked after him and called us. Morag and I went to collect him. He apologised to me for everything and we've made our peace now. But I still feel terrible. He could have died and it would have all been my fault. Yet another thing to add to my sickening conscience. Just when I thought I couldn't hate myself more...

On the plus side, Ruby and Geoff are back. Things were pretty awkward between Ruby and I and she's staying at Irene's tonight but she said we could talk in the morning. So now I've just got that to cling to. They came back because of Dad so at least one good thing has come out of me being so beastly to him. I just hope that we can try to move on somehow and work things out. Otherwise, I have no idea what I'm going to do.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 23<strong>**rd**** August**

**23:08**

**Home**

Any hope I might have had that things would be fixed if I could just get Ruby back in the Bay have been well and truly dashed. She's back and I've seen her but I know things will never be the same again. She's refusing to come home and is at least temporarily staying at Irene's house with Geoff and Annie. I feel sick about it. She should be at home with me. It was hard enough having her away at boarding school but at least she loved me then. At least we kept in touch. But right now, I feel like we're strangers. I feel more lost than ever.

I know this is going to sound terrible but one thing I'm grateful for is that at least I'm not the only one she is shutting out. She's being off with Dad and Morag too – although less so – and she didn't even tell Xavier that she was back. He seemed pretty hurt about that, especially as she and Geoff appear to be surgically attached now. I'm trying not to worry about what, in grief, she might have got up to alone on the road with a good looking young man. Young man... I sound like a geriatric. But you know what I mean.

Things are far from fixed between us and, as I feared, I don't think she'll ever forgive me. But at least we got the dialogue going today. I apologised and made it clear that I never meant to hurt her. And she seemed to accept it, although she said she is still angry and needs time and space to get over it.

Apparently Auntie Michelle showed her a particular photo album from when I stayed with her for that year. I wish that she hadn't. I felt like bursting into tears as soon as Ruby mentioned it and to be honest, I'm shocked that Michelle kept it at all. But apparently she did. I don't know. Maybe she knew the day would one day come when Ruby needed to see it. I still object to her having seen it but Ruby said it helped. It's the photo album that I pretty much destroyed. I cut out my face from every photo. Ruby said it showed her that it was myself I hated, and not her. That is most definitely true and I'm glad she gets that. I love her so much. I've _always _loved her – no matter how she happened to come into the world. I just feel so sad about this whole thing.

Unfortunately, while Ruby and I managed to talk even just a little, things didn't go quite so well with Xavier. He spotted her walking into the Surf Club with Geoff and Annie and lost his rag. An argument broke out just as Dad came in. He got confused, lost it and lashed out but instead of hitting Xavier like he meant to (not that that's a good thing either!), he struck poor Morag. I wonder if it was like it had been when he caught them in bed together before all of this kicked off. He thought Ruby was me and Xavier was Grant and he panicked. I guess he is haunted by this whole thing like I am – although at least I can trust my own mind. The bewilderment is the scariest part for him, I think.

I spoke to Morag this evening and she was not looking good. She thinks it's time for her and Dad to return to the city and I agree. But Dad refuses to leave us when we need him. The thing is though that being here and dealing with all this stress is just making his condition worse. So as much as he wants to help, he isn't. I can't even begin to imagine how that must make him feel. And I have no earthly idea how to make it better.

Morag and I also discussed the fact that it looks like Dad will need to go into full time care. Honestly, I'm glad I don't have to be the one to broach it with him or make that decision but I have pledged my support to Morag. I know we didn't get off on the right foot exactly, but I love her and I trust her and I will support her in caring for my father every step of the way.

I managed to catch up with Leah a bit tonight, which was nice. It was good to distract me from my own problems by hearing about other people's! I know that sounds wrong but I can't help it. Apparently Miles and Kirsty have run into yet more trouble and he is fretting about the age gap between them. Now that she is studying at University, she automatically has a different 'student' life and it doesn't seem to mesh well with having a long term, older partner and a house and kids to look after. I hope they work it out.

Well, I guess I'd better go to sleep. I'm working all day tomorrow and desperately hoping to be able to talk to Ruby some more. I know she wants time and space but I don't think it is a good idea to back out of her life completely. I need her to always know that I love her and want her to be my daughter or my sister or whatever it is we're meant to be to each other now. In all honesty, I want to be her mother. I always have. Maybe, once we get through this pain, there could be a way. Maybe.

I wish Joey was here.

* * *

><p><em>Next time... Charlie worries that Ruby wants to find her biological father, Leah does her best to support Charlie and Charlie and Ruby try to work on their relationship…<em>


	66. Chapter 66

**Chapter Sixty Six**

**Monday 24****th**** August**

**20:32**

**Home**

Dad and Morag have left for the city now and nobody needed to suggest that Dad went into full time care because he'd already made the decision himself. He said he needed to look after himself in the only way he can before it's too late.

It was hard to say goodbye to him and Ruby seemed to take it particularly badly but I do believe that it's the right decision. And it's not like that much will even change. He was away and receiving help anyway, it's just that he will have more help now and live in a different place. But we can still visit him whenever we want to. And we will. We'll take care of him as best we can. But I think everyone will feel better if we know he is in the most helpful place.

I caught a very brief glance of Aden on the beach today and he looked a total wreck. I hesitated about going over to him and then it was too late anyway because he wandered off. It's strange with him, really. I feel a deep connection to him because of Joey but I'm so screwed up right now that I haven't got the first clue as to how to support him during one of the worst traumas a person can go through.

I gather from Leah that Roman has now sold his half of the Diner in order to pay off the mortgage on his house. He has also put it in Nicole's name, although she still has to live with Miles and Kirsty, but it effectively makes her Aden's landlady.

I spent a fair amount of time talking to Leah about real stuff tonight – namely Ruby. It was nice to share my feelings with someone other than a book. Angelo has been swamped with work so he's not really around to talk to at the moment. I'm not sure if that's a blessing or a curse. Part of me wants him to be around and to care and be there for me. I want him to support me through this awful time in my life. But part of me knows that nothing he could ever do could compare to the way I know Joey would have been there for me if we had stayed together. And if I'm seeing his support as second rate, surely I don't even deserve the support at all?

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 25<strong>**th**** August**

**16:49**

**The Beach**

I think Ruby wants to find her biological father – the man who raped me sixteen years ago. I feel sick just thinking about it. How could she even consider it? How could she ever think that it's a good idea? I mean, I know everyone has that desire to know where they came from but she already does know! She came from an act of violence! She came from a boy who pinned me down and brutalised me when I was fourteen years old! What the hell else does she need to understand?

I need to call Joey.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 25<strong>**th**** August**

**18:01**

**Home**

Ruby has reassured me that she doesn't want to get in touch with Grant, which is a relief. I still have a knot in my stomach and a pounding heart from thinking that she was going to try and bring that evil bastard into our lives. It won't help her to know him and it certainly won't help me. I'd rather die than ever have to see his fucking ugly face again.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 25<strong>**th**** August**

**21:12**

**Home**

I'm feeling a bit calmer now. I've had a hot bath and a glass of wine and I'm feeling a lot clearer about things.

What happened was that this morning, Ruby came round. We talked a little about Dad and how he is settling in at the nursing home. It was awkward but we were getting through it until she started asking questions about Grant. I shut her down immediately and told her in no uncertain terms that he wasn't worth either of us thinking or talking about him. I _cannot _have that conversation. I just can't.

Anyway, we were interrupted by Morag, which was a blessing. The nursing home have told her that Dad needs space to settle down there on his own so she is temporarily moving back here and her plan is to look after Aden in the process. Apparently he went missing yesterday and she found him this morning sleeping on Irene's trawler. He's a mess and seems to be refusing to reach out to anyone so Morag is forcing her support on his instead. I think it's a good idea.

This afternoon, I was feeling a bit maudlin. Angelo isn't very present in my life right now and to be honest, I haven't seen him properly for days. We catch each other at work and try to have lunch together but he's engrossed in this abalone case (which I thought was sorted now) and the hand in the sand thing, plus that illegal immigrant that escaped and Lou's death (which I also thought was sorted). So whenever I see him, all we seem to talk about it work and it's making me feel pretty lost. And so I'm missing Joey even more, if that's even possible. I just know she'd take such good care of me and Ruby through all of this if she was here and I feel sick that it's all my fault that she's gone.

So yes, I was feeling pretty down so I went home to indulge in my Joey Box. I've been really good and not consoled myself with it since I put it all together. I've been trying really hard to let go and look to the future. I need to focus on my daughter and work and Angelo and stop living in my past with Joey. She's probably moved on pretty easily and good for her. And I have to do the same. But I slipped today and I had to.

Anyway, while I was rummaging around under the bed putting the box back, it occurred to me that my old Yearbook is under there. Or at least, it was. I don't know why I had a sudden impulse to look at Grant's face but I did. Only, I couldn't find it.

It turns out that Ruby took it. I panicked of course – hence my previous diary entries – but it turns out that she just wanted to see what he looked like and has no intention of trying to make contact. Apparently Dad let slip his name and she was curious. I do understand that. But I'm glad that's all it is. I think if she asks about him again then I'll have to have a proper conversation with her. I just hope she doesn't.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 26<strong>**th**** August**

**00:19**

**Home**

For the record, I didn't call Joey in the end. I wanted to. I always want to. But I know it's not a good idea and it's definitely not fair on her.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 26<strong>**th**** August**

**21:00**

**Home**

I had a better day than I've had for a while, although I am feeling a bit rejected by Angelo. I asked to have dinner with him tonight but he turned me down for work. Obviously I know how important our job is but it would be nice to get some kind of support from my boyfriend during such a difficult time. But he's engrossed. Even when I do get to spend time with him, all he seems to talk about are his various cases. Sometimes I just want to talk about me and Ruby. I need someone to turn to. But after an unsatisfying time with him, he then suddenly wants to go to bed, which isn't exactly what I'm in the mood for at the moment.

But anyway, Angelo's rejection worked out well for me in the end because I ended up going for a meal with Ruby instead. It breaks my heart to think about how awkward things are between us. No matter how I've stuffed up various areas of my life, I've always had such a wonderful relationship with Ruby. It's always been easy with her. But now it's hard. We have to do everything we can to keep communicating. I'm going to try my hardest and hope it will work out.

She asked a little bit about Grant again. I was vague but not quite as closed off as I had been up till now. I explained that he was a boy at school. He was very popular with both students and teachers and I was very proud when he asked me out above all my friends. But we were still kids and he wanted more than I was willing to give. And the rest is history.

More importantly, we got the chance to talk about normal stuff and for that, I was grateful. Things aren't going so well between her and Xavier at the moment. He seems to be panicking about this new found friendship she has with Geoff and all the time they spent together when they were away. I get where he's coming from. If Joey and I had worked out and then she'd disappeared for a few days with a good looking girl and then hadn't even told me she was back properly then I'd be upset. And no, I am not going to analyse the fact that the first person I imagined that scenario with was Joey and not Angelo. I don't think we should go there, do you?

Anyway, Ruby and Xavier argued yesterday but made up. And then there was some kind of misunderstanding about a dress or something. Geoff was helping her with a zip, I think. Xavier walked in and got the wrong end of the stick. He and Ruby argued and she decided not to go to Brendan's twenty first birthday. She's hurt that he thinks she's cheating on him or something, which she isn't, although even I am wondering if there is something between her and Geoff. They do seem very close. And you see that in movies all the time – when two random people go on some kind of journey together and then they fall in love.

It was a short dinner but I'm glad to have got to spend that time with her, and glad that we're getting the chance to work on things. I'm hoping we can make things better each and every day and finally return to the close relationship we used to have. Maybe I will even get to be her real mother one day, like I always dreamed about.

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 28<strong>**th**** August**

**11:31**

**The Beach**

I spent the night with Angelo last night. It's strange really. The first time we were together, a large part of our relationship was about sex. But this time around, we hardly seem to do it at all. And back then, pre-Joey, I enjoyed it too. But now... not so much. That's really awful, isn't it? It's just... well, I mean, it's okay. It's quick. And I'm just not that interested really. I think it's as good now as it's going to get and he _is _the best guy I've ever been with. But it seems no guy can compare to the girl I was with. Now _she _was incredible.

But yes, I finally got to spend an evening with my boyfriend so I thought it was only right to go back to his place. I mean, I'd been nagging him to spend time with me so I thought it was only fair to make a night of it. And he was really sweet and cooked me breakfast this morning too.

I have the day off but he never seems to take one now. We talked a little bit about Dad and Ruby and all things painful but mostly he was focussed on work. He said he was so sure he was going to get the person responsible for the abalone scam on Wednesday but it all went wrong. He sent Gibbsy in with a wire or something but the guy figured it out and he didn't get any kind of admissible evidence. And now Gibbsy is refusing to try that particular trick again.

I've spent most of this morning hanging out with Leah, as she had the morning off work, and now I'm down at the beach getting some fresh air. Apparently Irene is struggling with her return to work after Belle's death and there was some kind of squabble between her and Colleen.

It doesn't surprise me that Colleen is being antagonistic. It's her nature. She left me alone when it came to me and Joey being together, although I think that was mostly incomprehensible confusion rather than acceptance. But she's only just stopped serving me my morning coffee with a sneer. I'd like to think that it's because she feels compassionate about what's happened but the more cynical side of me thinks that it's because she wants the gossip.

Leah has fallen out with Kirsty. She saw her with some guy yesterday and, knowing that she and Miles have been having a few problems, thinks they're having an affair. Personally, I think she was a little hasty in running to Miles about it but she was pretty certain about what she saw. And who am I to judge anyway?

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 28<strong>**th**** August**

**17:03**

**Home**

Ruby and I are going to the movies tonight! I am so excited! It meant breaking a date with Angelo, which he wasn't too pleased about but I hope he understands that I have to do whatever it takes to win my daughter back. Goodness, I'm absolutely giddy. How pathetic is that?

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 28<strong>**th**** August**

**21:54**

**Home**

I had an awesome evening with Ruby. Things are still a little difficult between us but we chatted happily and enjoyed the film. We shared popcorn and a coke like we always used to and talked a little on the journey there and back.

Apparently it was Nicole's birthday yesterday but she didn't tell anyone and so didn't really celebrate. Ruby says that it's hard to talk to Nic at the moment as she seems to be in a very strange place emotionally. All her friends are feeling the same. She has been through a hell of a lot though. And it seems like that new Doctor guy, Sid, is doing his best to look out for her. And she's made friends with his daughter, Indi.

And Gina has a boyfriend! His name is Ted and he wants to take Gina away on holiday. Hugo and Martha think it's a nice idea but Ruby said that Xavier is unsure. He seems pretty protective of his Mum so I guess it's hard for him to trust guys in case they hurt her. I gather that Gina has been very hurt in the past.

Oh, and everything has kicked off with Annie and Jai and this boy, Dexter – Sid's son. Annie and Dex are an item but Jai still likes Annie so there was a bit of a row or something. It all sounds pretty complicated. And I always thought Annie was so innocent...

I came home tonight high as a kite from my evening with Ruby, although Leah's sad mood brought me down. Apparently Kirsty laid into her for talking to Miles behind her back. I guess she has a point but still, I'll always feel more protective of Leah than most people in this town. Even when I first moved here, complete with attitude, she was kind to me and took Ruby and I into her home when we had no place to go. And she has been a great friend ever since, supporting both of us through everything we seem to drag ourselves through.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 30<strong>**th**** August**

**10:41**

**Home**

Angelo took a rare day off yesterday and we spent it together. It was quite nice actually. I'm getting used to spending proper time with him and I got the chance to talk about my stuff as well as his. He seems to be learning a little more about this turn taking stuff so hopefully that will keep getting better. I don't think the sex will but hey, you can't have everything. Well, I _did _have everything once but I lost it so I don't deserve it now.

He's back at work today but I have another day off and I'm just going to use it to rest. You never know when you've got a heavy week ahead of you in my job. Plus, I'm hoping to get to spend more time with Ruby soon. I've texted her so it might even be today. Fingers crossed!

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Ruby brings Grant back into Charlie's life and begins to be swayed by his story, Charlie and Angelo have an anniversary argument and Dex and Indi move back to the city to live with their mother…<em>


	67. Chapter 67

**Chapter Sixty Seven**

**Monday 31****st**** August**

**22:49**

**Home**

Well, I didn't get to spend time with Ruby yesterday and she declined my dinner invitation for this evening. I caught up with her for all of five minutes before she disappeared. She seems to be behaving really strangely at the moment and it's making me feel very unsettled. I don't know. Something just seems very off.

I had dinner with Angelo tonight instead but I didn't invite him to stay. He made some comment about me using him when Ruby isn't around and I _know _he was only joking but it still hurt my feelings a bit. And maybe hit a little too close to home. But if I'm using him for any reason then, shamefully, it's because Joey is still never far from my mind. It's been four months since she left me and I don't feel any more healed than I was before. I know it's never going to happen but I wish with all my heart that she would change her mind and come home.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 1<strong>**st**** September 2009**

**20:59**

**Home**

I think my worst nightmare has literally come true. How the hell am I meant to deal with this? It's too much for me. Too much.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 2<strong>**nd**** September**

**10:39**

**Work**

I know I shouldn't be writing while I'm meant to be working but I have to. I can't concentrate until I get all this horrible mess out of my head and onto paper. Maybe then I'll be able to breathe again. Right now, I feel like I'm dying.

Ruby lied to me. She stole my Yearbook and created a fake Facebook page in order to get in contact with Grant. Then, telling Geoff that she was going to the city to visit Dad, she went to see that monster instead. She posed as a girl called Lucy looking for babysitting work and befriended his family. He's living the high-fucking-life these days. He has a wife and children and a good job with a nice home. It seems like we've destroyed that now.

The one redeeming thing about what Ruby did was that it wasn't to get to know him like I feared. She went there to tell him how much she hated him for what he did to me. She called him a rapist right in front of his wife and he chased her out of the house.

It was good timing because I'd been combing the streets for her and literally pulled up outside the house when she left. She dived into my car and we hurried home. Unfortunately, what we didn't realise was that he followed us. We hadn't been home five minutes before he was trying to break the door down, demanding to... well, I don't know what. I don't even want to think about it.

I can honestly say, forcing the door shut on him and screaming my head off... well, I haven't been that scared in that way since the day he ruined my life. I was terrified. I lost control and I gave into panic. The only other time that I've been as scared but in a different kind of way was when Robbo tried to drown Joey in the bath. I thought she was dying and I was so frightened of losing her.

But this was sheer terror. The thought of having to see his face or having him near me... Well, I'm not proud to say that once he'd fucked off and we were waiting for Angelo to arrive, I threw up. Several times. And I wept. I cried until I didn't think there were any tears left in my soul. I'm not sure what frightened Ruby more – him or me.

She kept apologising and trying to explain that she'd meant to hurt him, not bring him into our lives again. I hope I was understanding enough because I do get where she's coming from. I think it's nice that she cares that much about getting some kind of justice. That was one of the many terrible things about it all – I missed out on making him pay for what he did to me.

We called Angelo and he said he'd be right over, which he was. But while we were waiting, Ruby tried to distract me from the agony I was in with random bits of news. Apparently Indi wound up in hospital after falling face first through a glass table and earlier that day, Nicole was taken in after burning herself on coffee. Nicole's injury sounds like quite the overreaction to me but I guess I can't say how much it hurt. And the truth came out about Annie dating Dex, which upset Jai no end. It's a shame really. They were a very sweet couple.

Ruby and I spent most of the rest of the day together talking things through. And Angelo was great. He quit work and stayed with us for the whole evening. Then he dropped Ruby safely home and came back to me. I let him stay over. I needed the support more than anything else. I came face to face with my single worst nightmare yesterday and I have a horrible, sick feeling that it wasn't the last time. How the hell did any of this happen?

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 2<strong>**nd**** September**

**19:07**

**Home**

Just when I think things can't get worse, they do. I want to kill that rapist bastard. I want to put him through as much pain – physically and emotionally – as he put me through. I want to kill him. I want to rip his heart out and let him bleed.

All this time, I thought I was over what happened to me but I never bloody was. I was a victim in wait. I strutted around with my head held high but he fucked me over for good when I was just a child.

He's the reason I screw up every damn thing I touch. He's the reason I hate myself so much. He ruined me. He destroyed me. He stopped me from being the person I could have been. And now it looks like he wants to do it all over a-fucking-gain.

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 3<strong>**rd**** September**

**19:30**

**Home**

I'm still feeling very on edge. I'm actually considering going to the Doctor and getting some kind of anxiety medication and I have almost called Joey about six times. And for his part, Angelo has been brilliant. Now that he recognises that I'm actually in the middle of a very real crisis, he is being very kind, thoughtful and protective. He stayed over last night and he's going to stay tonight too. Part of me still feels like I'm betraying Joey by letting him sleep on her side of the bed but I need the comfort. I need the protection. I have no idea how to do this on my own.

Grant didn't leave on Tuesday. He hung around and managed to dupe Leah into giving him Ruby's phone number. And then, even worse than that, he called her and yesterday, they met up. I managed to figure out what was going on and interrupted them just in time. I chased Grant off, although not before he could make it very clear that he isn't going anywhere.

But again, it gets even worse than that. I think Ruby is starting to believe his cock and bull story about what happened. She's suggested that maybe it was technically rape but that he hadn't really meant to hurt me. HADN'T MEANT TO HURT ME!? He pinned me down, tore off my clothes, forced himself inside me and laughed at me while I wept. He ripped me apart, physically and emotionally. There was no mistake about it. And I feel sick that he might be getting into Ruby's head somehow.

Ironically, the one thing that redeemed me in her eyes is that I couldn't cope with being a Mum post-rape. So, if she stops believing the truth about what happened then a) I would be heartbroken and b) she might be less inclined to make things work between us. And what if she wants some kind of relationship with the bastard? She's already decided to stay on longer with Irene. And that's damn nearly destroying me as it is. I feel so lost right now.

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 4<strong>**th**** September**

**22:57**

**Home**

I had a somewhat stilted lunch with Ruby today. Grant has been trying to call her since I chased him away on Wednesday and I can't even begin to explain how much that scares the shit out of me. I'm hurt that Ruby is torn over believing him and believing me. I get that it would be nice for her if she didn't have to believe she was the product of rape but I would have thought she'd know I wouldn't lie about something like that. I mean, I wouldn't anyway, but having cared for Joey while she was trying to put herself back together, it only rammed home to me just how devastating that kind of trauma is. I regret not talking about all of this with Joey then. I thought I had all the time in the world to tell her the truth. Angelo has been great about it but it's not the same. It'll never be the same.

Ruby and I realised pretty quickly that discussing Grant and what happened was too much for us so we tried to distract ourselves with other things. She asked how things were with Angelo and I said they were okay. He's been very supportive over the last few days when I have been so terrified of Grant trying to hurt me again. She asked how I was feeling about Joey these days and I admitted that I would always be in love with her and that I do miss her but that I am starting to try and let her go. I've even stopped calling her voicemail. That's progress, right?

Things don't seem to be going so well between Ruby and Xavier, unfortunately. He is still very jealous over her friendship with Geoff but she says that that isn't something she is prepared to let go of now that she has found it. Geoff was really there for her during the worst time of her life and she isn't going to stop being his friend because her boyfriend doesn't like it. I hope they can all work it out, although even I'm starting to wonder if there is more than friendship there.

Apparently Indi and Dex have gone back to the city to live with their mother. And with the inevitable break up between Annie and Dex, Jai wasted no time in asking his ex out again. She said no though. I guess some relationships just aren't mean to be. I know that one too well.

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 5<strong>**th**** September**

**14:10**

**The Beach**

I can't bear this anymore. I feel like my heart is going to explode. I can feel Grant pulling Ruby away from me and I hate him for it. I hate him for everything. Everything about that son of a bitch makes me sick. And if he thinks he's going to swoop in and be part of my baby's life somehow then he's got another thing coming. I'd rather see him dead first. In fact, I'd rather see him dead before a lot of things.

For the sake of not breaking the law and ending up in jail – the place _he _belongs – I'm going to work with it instead and bring him down. Once a rapist, always a rapist and I fail to believe that he hasn't done the same thing to other women after me. I _know _he'd done it before me. And he was only a kid himself. If that isn't evil then I don't know what is. So my whole new mission in life is to bring the bastard down. I am not losing Ruby, not for anything.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 6<strong>**th**** September**

**11:01**

**Home**

What a shitty fucking day! Ugh! Everything just seems to get worse and worse!

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 6<strong>**th**** September**

**12:03**

**Home**

Okay so apparently today is mine and Angelo's first anniversary. I didn't remember. To be honest, I did really know. I mean, technically we first got together on 15th July but he didn't want to celebrate on 15th August, did he? No. He said that our first... well, technically our second attempt at a relationship didn't count because I wasn't giving him the 'real' me. But after I told him about Joey and Ruby and all that, he decided that we were together for real. Apparently that was 6th August so now, on the 6th September, we're meant to be celebrating one month together. Well, excuse me if being in hospital, losing my daughter and coming face to face with the man who raped me is distracting me a bit from all this romance shit!

He came round this morning with roses and chocolates and he insisted that we had to go for that boat ride that we missed out on because Brett knocked me over with his car. As if that was even the reason! I would never have set foot on that boat and to be honest, the car accident was almost a welcome excuse. I _might _be able to eventually force myself to get over Joey. And I might have stopped calling her voicemail every night and crying myself to sleep. I might also be prepared to be in a relationship with Angelo and really try to make it work with him but there is no way on earth that I'm prepared to betray the love of my life even more than I have already.

Boats are Joey's thing. I don't give a flying fuck if Angelo likes them too. They're Joey's thing and I could never go on one without thinking of her. She's on a boat now (probably). She always lit up whenever she talked about them. Even reading about the debris from the boat near the island made her miss them, she said. And then there was that beautiful day we spent together on the Blaxland. I was standing there on the deck with her, gazing into her eyes and holding her hands that I knew for sure that I was in love with her. So no, I don't want to go on a boat with Angelo. And I didn't deserve him laying into my like that. Bastard. Oh, and he was a shit yesterday too. I asked him to help me look into sexual assaults that Grant might have been involved in and he damn well refused.

One month and it's probably already over.

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Angelo isn't supportive as Charlie wages war against Grant, Robbo is brought to justice and Aden and Geoff take on the trawler Lou left to Irene…<em>


	68. Chapter 68

_Sorry for not updating the last couple of days. I had a friend visiting. But here's a nice, long chapter for you. Love, IJKS xxx_

**Chapter Sixty Eight**

**Monday 7****th**** September**

**10:42**

**Home**

Okay, so we didn't break up. We're still together and I don't even know whether I'm glad or not. I was so pissed off with him yesterday and part of me still is. He was pretty hard on me about the anniversary stuff yesterday and when he came back to 'make things right' he hurt my feelings a fair bit. He said I was ungrateful and that I was lucky to have him. Considering my 'situation', right now it would be hard for anyone to get over it all and love me. But he does and he says he wants to share his life with me. But he said I need to give him more attention, care and respect. I apologised and we made the most of the rest of our anniversary. I managed to escape the boat trip but we went for dinner and then I stayed over at his place. I'm seeing him tonight as well and I will try and be a better girlfriend.

I don't know. Part of me is hacked off that he spoke to me like that but part of me feels like I deserved it. I've spent so many hours writing in here and swooning over Joey. Looking back, I was swooning over her before I even realised it. But I've never swooned over Angelo, have I? First he was my irritating but quite cute friend. Then we started sleeping together but it was about sex more than anything else. Don't get me wrong, I've always been fond. Even when everyone, including me, hated him for Jack's death, I still felt sorry for him – at least in part. I didn't want him to be responsible. And I'm fully aware that I only fell back into bed with him because I was so broken hearted over Joey. As soon as there was a commitment on the cards, I tried to run.

But now I'm stuck fast in this relationship that doesn't sit quite right with me. And I don't know whose fault that is but it's probably mine. He thinks it is. And he's absolutely correct that I haven't given my heart to him. I care about him. I like him. I find him attractive. I'm fond. But it's not more than that. So, am I being fair to him by keeping it going? And if I don't, what will be left of me?

In truth, I can't bear to be alone. I know that I had the most perfect partner in the world and I lost her all through my own wrongdoing. So maybe I deserve everything I get. Maybe this is as good as it gets now. Maybe I don't deserve real love. I'm not good enough to receive it. Nope. There's no maybe about it.

* * *

><p><strong>Monday 7<strong>**th**** September**

**23:11**

**Metro Hotel**

I've potentially found two other women who might have been hurt by Grant Bledcoe so I've raced into the city to talk to them. We're meeting at a cafe in the morning and I am hoping that between the three of us, we can prosecute the bastard and make him pay for what he did to us.

And even more important than getting justice now is making Ruby understand the truth of what happened to me. And I know it's going to be hard for her. That's one of the reasons why we didn't tell her the truth in the first place. Of course nobody wants to come from rape. But she did. And I have to make her understand that. Right now, she's torn between believing him and believing me and I have to make her pick the right side. I can't even process how I feel about the fact that she is even thinking about believing him over me. I might not have had the right relationship with her for all these years but I've been there. I've helped raise her. I've loved her with every beat of my heart. I'd live and I'd die for her. How could she treat me like this? No. No, I'm not going there. I can't.

Okay, um... other news. Aden went and helped Martha on the farm last week and now Geoff and Irene are trying to convince him to work on the trawler again and start the business back up from scratch. Geoff has left school prematurely and he wants to be part of the crew too.

Brendan appears to have some kind of girlfriend called Ruby. Everyone thought he just had a crush on _my _Ruby at first until this mystery girl called the house. Hugo has bought a schooner and his plan is to sink it and create a new reef as a tourist attraction. But John Palmer is objecting and it seems like he has a lot of sway with the council.

Things are continuing to feel pretty fragile with Angelo. We made up last night, like I said but when he found me working on my case against Grant this morning, he told that I should leave it alone. Apparently Grant has asked him to get me to lay off him because I'm disrupting his life and family. Well, good! I'm glad! He doesn't even deserve to have a life. He certainly doesn't deserve to have a family. Those poor kids. And his poor wife. They're all living with a monster and they might not even know it.

Anyway, I was in the Diner and there Grant was, looking all smarmy and smug, thinking he's turning me into a gibbering wreck and ruining my life. Well, I'm not going to let him do that. I'm going to make him pay for what he did to me and I don't care what it takes. I was too young to face up to him back then. I wasn't capable of getting justice. But I'm an adult now. I'm a police officer. And I am going to destroy him if it's the last damn thing I do.

Granted, I probably didn't make the wisest move when I saw him. We got into an argument and Angelo basically had to drag me, kicking and screaming, out of the Diner. I swore in front of everyone that I was going to kill him. Yeah, that really wasn't very bright.

However, I don't regret it. I do want to kill him. Slowly. And painfully. Is it wrong that I'm so consumed with all this hate? I can feel it bubbling away inside me, like it's been hiding away for the past sixteen years and suddenly, now that I'm being confronted with him again, it's all coming pouring out. Honestly, I'm actually shaking. I hate him. I hate him more than I could ever describe.

But I'm pissed off with Angelo again now. He actually suggested that Grant might have changed. Like fuck he has! A rapist doesn't change. You don't commit that kind of act against someone and then just change. And I've spent time with him. He's sixteen years old and just as disgusting and evil as he always was. No. Angelo is wrong. And even if I was being unreasonable, how dare he try and suggest that I make peace with the man who hurt me like that? He didn't pull my hair in the fucking playground. He pinned me down and forced himself on me. He laughed at me while I wept. He destroyed me. And now I'm going to destroy him right back.

Anyway, that's when I left for the city. I'd locked myself away in my office for a while and finally got some leads so I left and barely said goodbye. Angelo was playing with some new tazer gun or something. I had no inclination to explain anything to him, although I did call Ruby and said I was staying away overnight in the city on a case but that I'd be back in the morning and hopefully we could go for lunch or something. She agreed but she sounded pretty distracted.

I just hope that tomorrow goes well. I have to get rid of Grant for good.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 8<strong>**th**** September**

**23:29**

**Home**

I just arrived back from the city, having stayed away as long as I could. When it came to returning this afternoon, I just couldn't. I didn't want to face Ruby and see the doubt in her eyes. And I didn't want to see Angelo and have to be this perfect woman he demands.

I met with two of Grant's victims this morning. One of them ran off as soon as she realised what I was there for but I got to talk to the other one. She used to work for Grant and despite being married, he took her out one night. Then he raped her. Then he paid her off in order to keep her quiet and not mess up his precious life, not reveal him as a disgusting rapist.

It broke my heart to hear her story. It was all so painfully familiar. And I told her about my experience too, which was hard. But it was a relief to not receive judgement and accusation for it, not have someone telling me what I should be doing. I mean, Angelo was lovely about it and everything but he was full of assertions about what I was supposed to do about it. And I know that I told him for his sake instead of mine. Auntie Michelle was wonderful when I showed up on her door but Dad and Mum weren't as supportive and kind as I needed them to be. And Ruby... well, I don't have the energy to go there.

Unfortunately, the woman I spoke to won't go on record. She won't press charges against Grant because she's too scared of the repercussions. So I'm on my own again and back to square one. I don't know what I'm meant to do now. I have to find some way to convince Ruby of the truth. I don't care what it takes. I don't care what I have to do. I just need that result. Even if I don't succeed in getting Grant put behind bars, I have to get him as far away from Ruby as possible. He doesn't deserve to so much as look at her, let alone be part of her life. No. He has to pay. He has to suffer. He has to take responsibility for what he's done.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 9<strong>**th**** September**

**00:22**

**Home**

I know what I have to do.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 9<strong>**th**** September**

**23:58**

**Home**

I kidnapped Grant and locked him in a cabin where I tortured him until he confessed the truth. Ruby knows once and for all exactly what he did to me. And I don't regret a single thing.

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 10<strong>**th**** September**

**22:00**

**Home**

Okay, I guess I'd better explain what happened yesterday. And it's not a pretty story – although I still don't regret anything. A very sick part of me kind of enjoyed what happened. I know it's a terrible thing to say but... I don't know. Call it revenge for everything Grant put me through and for the pain and self loathing I have lived with ever since.

I didn't make anyone aware that I was back yesterday morning. I sneaked out of the house and into the police station when it was quiet. I stole the key to Angelo's desk, where I knew he was keeping his new tazer. I stole it and headed back out.

As I expected, Grant was hanging around like an ugly waste of space near the Diner. He approached me in my car and said we needed to sort things out once and for all. I agreed and let him in. I felt sick about having him sit in that particular seat. I don't even like Angelo in my car. Well, I especially don't like him in it. Joey was sitting right there beside me when I finally admitted how I felt about her. We almost made love for the first time right in that front seat. But I did what I had to do.

As soon as we were out of sight of people, while he prattled on about wanting to be part of his daughter's life, I shocked him with the tazer gun until he lost consciousness. Then I took him to an abandoned cabin out in the woods. I'd been called to break up a gang that was hiding out in it once last year and happily, it was empty again.

I tied Grant to a chair and I waited for him to wake up. He woke in fright, of course and I took a fair amount of pleasure in that. He screamed my name and I approached, making sure he knew that I had all the power. I know I shouldn't admit it but I enjoyed watching him look so terrified. I enjoyed knowing that I was completely in control of whatever happened to him. I hope that I would never feel that about anyone else. I'd probably feel it to a degree about Robbo. I hate him as much as Grant but in a different way, if that makes sense.

My plan was to get him to confess onto a cassette so that I could play it to Ruby and make her understand what I'd been through. I tortured him. I wound him up about what I was going to do to him and what I wanted him to say. I threw water over him and threatened to tazer him again. We were there for almost the whole day. I turned my phone off so that nobody could disturb me and it seemed that nobody cared enough about Grant to miss him or start fretting over where he was.

I lied about having other women on record, willing to testify that he raped them. The bastard sat there, pleading his innocence, insisting he hadn't done anything wrong. I don't know why he bothered. He and I both knew exactly what had gone down between us, what he had done to me. And I was determined to make him confess. But when he started going on about innocence, I lost control. I launched myself at him and knocked him – still tied to the chair – to the ground. I attacked him pretty viciously. And that's when Ruby walked in.

It turns out that Grant and his wife had both been trying to get her onto their side. The day before, the little shit had sent his wife round to do his dirty work, trying to convince Ruby that he wasn't capable of rape or any kind of violence against women. And then he tried to speak to her himself but Irene refused to let him see her without my permission. I must remember to thank her for that.

But today, when she hadn't been able to get in touch with me – even though she still doubted my story – Ruby began to fret. She said she saw Morag for a little while and then Xavier called and mentioned that he had seen me and Grant in my car together. She worried for most of the day, wondering what was going on and then, over dinner, Geoff made some comment and she figured out where she had been. She'd spoken to Angelo earlier in the day but he said he hadn't seen me and he was busy at work. He was out on a call when she went to find him again so she came to the cabin herself.

I don't think I have ever seen Ruby look so horrified in all her life than when she saw me towering over Grant, with him tied up. She probably thought I was going to kill him. Maybe I was. I like to think that I would never be capable of something like that – even with someone like him – but to be honest, I was pretty out of control yesterday. My head is still spinning. The whole thing was like an out of body experience, like it wasn't really me. I think I might actually have lost my mind for a while there.

Ruby took me outside and we argued. I accused her of being that angry about me lying to her that she was prepared to accuse me of crying rape. She tried to placate me, explaining that she didn't think I was lying, but that maybe it hadn't happened as violently as one would assume. I broke down and I told her what happened. I had to make her understand. He violated me. He got me pregnant. He broke me. And afterwards, when he'd finished and was doing up his flies, he laughed at me. He said that I was crying like a sooky little kid. And he said that he'd made plenty of other girls cry before me. I told her all of it but she still wasn't sure. I knew she wasn't. But she said the right things and brought me back inside. She convinced me to leave Grant alone and wait until the morning before I made any kind of decision about what to do with him. I agreed. And she betrayed me.

After a fairly long time, I went to the bathroom and washed my face, grateful that there was running water in the place. And by the time I'd got back into the room, Ruby was untying him. I freaked out. My heart was broken that she was willing to set him free and letting loose on us – and that she still didn't understand what he was capable of. I did agree to let him go, on the promise that he would fuck off forever. And if he hadn't been such a smug bastard then we would never have reached the conclusion we did. I never would have got what I wanted.

He called me the same name as he did sixteen years ago. Remembering the conversation we'd had outside, the truth suddenly dawned on Ruby. She finally understood that he had raped me and that it had been every bit as awful as I had described.

When he realised that he'd been caught, he was completely unapologetic. I don't think I expected anything else really. I've hated him all this time for a reason. He's not the kind of man to say sorry. He's evil. And my only relief is that Ruby knows it now. She isn't in conflict over who to believe anymore and she's even, much to my relief, decided to come home, although that might only be temporary. I for one am going to hold onto her for as long as I possibly can.

Ruby slapped Grant pretty hard and we sent him on his way. She apologised for doubting me and I broke down in tears in her arms. I was hysterical. And she was so great. She held me and comforted me as all my pain poured out. She apologised over and over again and I feel like we can start to heal now.

I don't know how long we were there for but it was very late when we eventually came home. I just hope to God that this is the end of it now. I hope that Grant will leave us alone for good now that he knows he doesn't stand a chance in hell of building a relationship with my beautiful girl.

We went to Irene's and packed up her stuff. She said she didn't know how long she'd be staying with me for but I'll take what I can get. Now that she knows the truth, she is desperate for justice but it's too late now. If I try and press charges against him for what he did to me, he will only bring charges against me for what I did to him. And although Ruby says she will back me up all the way and deny that either of us were ever in the cabin, there is physical evidence. A tazer leaves marks and it wouldn't take a genius to work out where I got it from. I sneaked it back into Angelo's desk today and hopefully nobody will be any the wiser – including him. He said he went looking for me but it doesn't sound like he really did. He was caught up with work all day and didn't have time to worry about me. And yet I'm the lousy partner.

Anyway, I've managed to placate Ruby and I explained that I knew Grant's confession would never stand up in court. My sole purpose had been to convince Ruby of the truth, to prevent myself from losing her to him when I knew what kind of monster he was.

I went into work this morning very briefly to return the tazer. Angelo appeared looking a little irritated and wondering where I had disappeared to. I hadn't actually spoken to him since I left for the city and we haven't really been on the best terms lately. I told him that I'd taken myself off for the day to clear my head over everything Grant and Ruby related and that I was taking a day's leave today to continue trying to sort my head out. He wanted to take the day off too and spend time with me but I said that Ruby had moved back in and I had given her the day off school so that we could spend time together. He didn't look that impressed but he accepted it and we've said we'll see each other at the weekend.

This is going to sound terrible but I don't really want to see that much of him this weekend. It's Robbo's trial tomorrow and I'm going to go and watch him being sent down for what he did to Joey. And I'm going to enjoy it.

And then on Sunday, it would have been mine and Joey's five month anniversary if we had lasted. I think the thirteenth of every month from now on is always going to be a little emotional for me. I dread to think how I am going to be on 13th April next year. But who knows what my life will be like then? I'd like to theorise that maybe I'll have moved on but I know I will never heal completely. And I will definitely never forget her.

All I can hope is that after everything that happened yesterday, Ruby and I can move on. Together. That's all I care about right now.

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 11<strong>**th**** September**

**20:49**

**Home**

Robbo finally went to court today for raping Joey and Tanya and for the attempted murder of both of them. He got sent down for thirty long years! How amazing is that? It was literally the best thing I could have heard today after the shitty week I've had. I was so pleased. And I made sure he had to look me in the eye when he was taken down. The judge ruled that the violence of the crimes were disturbing and the fact that the same thing had happened not once but twice, meant that he couldn't morally sentence him to anything less.

And what's extra exciting is that I called Joey to let her know what happened and she actually picked up the phone! I can't even begin to explain how it felt to hear her voice again – and not just on her answering machine. It was a short conversation and she was pretty overwhelmed by the news. Not to mention relieved.

We talked very briefly about how things are going for both of us. I lied. I couldn't tell her how things really were. Telling her everything about Ruby and Grant and all of that would have taken too much. It's too complicated and there's no need for her to be dragged into my mess. But she sounded good.

She said they've docked for a few days and that she's been given the chance to travel abroad with the company. They're expanding and she's heading out on a trawler to America. She's pretty excited about that and I was very encouraging. I guess leaving me has opened a lot of doors for her. It only confirms to me that I would only have been holding her back if she'd stayed with me. I never deserved her in the first place and I proved that pretty well. So yeah, she's doing well and I'm really happy for her.

And I was glad to be the one to get to tell her about Robbo. I know how badly I let her down and I broke my promise of supporting her through everything she went through with him. But it felt like we had some kind of closure on it all tonight. And I was thrilled that she was prepared to take my call.

Neither of us mentioned a romantic life. I kind of feel like I'm cheating on both Joey and Angelo these days – my heart is with Joey and my body is with Angelo. It's pretty confusing. And if she is seeing someone new then she chose not to bring it up. I was grateful. I'm happy that everything is going well for her and I'd be pleased to know if she was with someone wonderful who treated her like she deserves. But it would also hurt a great deal to imagine her with another girlfriend. I prefer to pretend.

It was a nice conversation though. It was a little awkward in places, having only communicated by letter, text and voicemail up until now – and that has been rare – but it was nice too. She was very warm and... well, to be honest, I feel like just hearing her voice made me fall for her all over again. But I know that she's gone now and I know that that's how it will stay. I have to make my peace with that and I have to let her go.

As for my own life, I don't know what's happening really. I've avoided Angelo for most of the day and I know he wants to spend time together tomorrow so I suppose I'll have to do that. But I am hoping to keep Sunday to myself.

Things with Rubes are still a little strange. We're making an effort with each other and she went back to school today. We had dinner together this evening and we're trying to move on from the Grant situation. We did talk about it a little though and she said that she and Morag had had a chat. Morag gently told her off for doubting my story, for which I'm grateful. She told her that it is a traumatic experience to tell someone that you've been raped and then to have your own daughter disbelieve you, must break your heart. That's exactly where I was at. It's nice to know that Morag understands that. I know we haven't always got along that well but she has really come through for me. She is so supportive and I feel lucky to have her in my life.

I told her about Robbo's trial and that I had called Joey so we talked a little about that. She was surprisingly understanding over my attempts to make it work with Angelo even though I still love Joey. I was expecting her to be more critical of that but I suspect that while she is trying to make things work with Xavier, she is harbouring secret feelings for Geoff so maybe she can empathise. I did try to talk to her about that but she doesn't seem quite ready to admit the Geoff thing yet.

And speaking of Geoff, he and Aden have started up Irene's trawler again, which is good. It gives me a twinge because obviously that's the boat Joey worked on and Aden was her colleague. But more than that, I'm pleased to hear it because Aden has been walking round town like a ghost ever since Belle died. I mean, I'm probably not one to talk but I have been worried about him. Ruby said that Geoff told her that he found out Aden has been sneaking into the house and sleeping in Belle's room for a few weeks now. Poor guy.

They started work on the trawler yesterday but unfortunately, it didn't go so well. Aden and Geoff ended up arguing and somehow or other – I'm not too clear on the details! – Aden got electrocuted and Geoff had to administer CPR. It all sounds pretty scary to me but apparently they were going to try and make it work today. Hopefully things went a little better!

Apparently Annie caught Nicole and Sid in a compromising position this afternoon. She's going to tell Irene what she saw and hopefully Irene will tell Miles and they can figure out what is going on. But if they don't, I'm going to have to say something. Nicole is a kid. She thinks she's an adult but she's still just a child and she's a vulnerable one at that, what with everything that happened this year with Roman and then Trey. Sid should not be taking advantage of her. I mean, I don't know the guy and I don't really know what the situation is so I should judge but he has suddenly plummeted in my estimations.

Oh and Hugo is pissed off because the council have decided to delay their vote on his reef proposal until after the election and one of the people adamant for it not to happen is John Palmer who is incidentally running for council. I don't know why John has it in for the guy but between this and his rumour that the shark attack was a fake, he does seem to have a bit of a vendetta. Maybe he and Angelo know something about Hugo that the rest of us don't!

And in other news, Liam Murphy is back in town and brought a young stowaway with him who calls himself Romeo. I caught a glimpse of him and I guess he can carry it off. He's a kid but he's very pretty. I reckon he'll be turning heads although hopefully not Ruby's. She has enough on her plate with Xavier and Geoff although judging by her liking for sweet faced blonde boys, she could easily get greedy! She thinks Annie likes him though. Apparently he is Jai's foster brother or something like that. Maybe his arrival – as long as Annie _doesn't _like him – will cheer Jai up. Ruby said he's still feeling pretty down over the break up.

Anyway, I'm going to have a nice, hot bath and relax for the rest of the evening. Who knows what tomorrow will bring.

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 12<strong>**th**** September**

**21:08**

**Home**

I ended up spending the day with Angelo and I did my best to focus and enjoy myself but it was hard. He said he was worried about how distant I'm being and he hates to think that I'm keeping secrets from him again. He said that if we were going to work out then I had to be completely open and honest with him about everything. I put a smile on my face and insisted that everything was okay but that I was stressed about Ruby. We're making a go of things again but it's not exactly easy, especially as I know how desperate she is for me to press charges against Grant and I _know _I can't do that now.

I know it's a terrible thing to say but I was glad to get away today. I made an excuse about feeling unwell and so said I couldn't stay over and I think I will be unwell tomorrow as well so I can mope a little about what would have been the five month mark of my relationship with Joey.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 13<strong>**th**** September**

**12:15**

**Home**

Well, today would have marked five months with Joey. I think we probably would have celebrated every month too because I'm so shit at relationships and I've never got past the six month mark. We would have been coming up to something exciting now. But I was _so _shit at relationships that I lost the best thing that ever happened to me. I wanted to go down to the docks, a place that makes me feel close to her, but I was worried about running into Angelo so I've been hiding out at home.

Ruby has gone to see Geoff or Xavier (one of them!) for the day. I was hoping to get to hang out with her a bit but things aren't quite as easy between us at the moment as I had hoped they would be. I know she wants me to charge ahead with Grant but I broke the law. He could get me charged with assault even more easily than I could get him charged with rape. It's just not possible.

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Ruby moves back in with Irene, Grant is murdered, prompting Detective Robert Robertson to come to Summer Bay and Charlie is suspended from work…<em>


	69. Chapter 69

_As very politely requested by JJ127, I am going to start doing double updates as there are a lot of stories going on at the moment and I understand that it might be difficult to keep up with such a gap between updates. So this is one of two. Love, IJKS xxx_

**Chapter Sixty Nine**

**Monday 14****th**** September**

**19:03**

**Home**

Why is my life a series of losses?

* * *

><p><strong>Monday 14<strong>**th**** September**

**20:23**

**Home**

In explanation of my previous entry – Ruby moved back out again. I know there was always a risk of it being temporary but I guess I was hoping that once we lived together again, she would stay. I hoped that she would love me enough to stick around and that we could work through everything together. I even made a point of telling her today that she wasn't the mistake she seems to think she is. I thought I'd made it clear how much I love her but it wasn't enough. Nothing I ever do seems good enough.

* * *

><p><strong>Monday 14<strong>**th**** September**

**20:49**

**Home**

Angelo wants to come round but I just want space by myself. If I can't spend time with Ruby then I don't want to spend time with anyone – except the obvious of course.

Basically, Ruby kept going on at me about going to the police with my evidence against Grant. She has no comprehension of why I can't. And I don't even understand that. She was there. She _knows _what I did. She's not stupid. Why doesn't she realise the severity of the repercussions of what I did to Grant last week? And clearly she doesn't. For starters she told bloody Xavier _and _Geoff! And this morning, she forced me to tell Angelo.

That's half the reason why my beloved boyfriend is being so insistent about seeing me tonight. Ugh! He's ringing again. Hang on.

* * *

><p><strong>Monday 14<strong>**th**** September**

**21:02**

**Home**

Well, I'll probably pay for it later but I've stuck to my guns and I'm not seeing him tonight but neither of us are working until the afternoon and then well into the evening tomorrow so we're going to go for a run in the morning and then hang out until our shifts start. I always feel a bit sad when I go for a run now because like many things, it was something Joey and I used to do together and we had so much fun. Even before I was prepared to admit that I was attracted to her, we had such a great time racing each other across the sand. It was that first day when we got super competitive and nearly knocked Jai flying when we came home that Ruby first suggested that Joey might have a thing with me. And the rest, as they say, is history.

Anyway, Ruby forced me to tell Angelo what happened with Grant. Understandably, he was horrified, especially as I stole his tazer to do it. And then the idiot said that he thought I could still legally go after Grant. As if! And I don't even care about that now. I just wanted Ruby to know the truth. I wanted her to love me again and understand where I was coming from. She believes me. He's fucked off. I just want it to be over with.

The judgement in Angelo's eyes was fairly damning though – especially in light of what happened with Jack. He condemned my actions but in fairness, did still try to be supportive. I'm grateful for that at least and I'm not even going to entertain the idea that he might be judging me because he doubts my story too. He says he doesn't and that he had just hoped Grant might have changed. Here's hoping that Ruby and I have managed to convince him that he's still a bastard.

After we went to see Angelo, I took Ruby into the city to go and visit Dad and Morag at the nursing home. We haven't been there to see him yet as they told us to give him a while to settle in but Morag is back in the city now and it felt like a good time to go and see them. I also knew that the moment Ruby got the chance, she'd tell Morag what happened. Granted, it was a risky move and I didn't really want my step-mother to know what happened with Grant but she has been so great and so supportive over this whole thing and I knew that she would make it very clear to Rubes that we couldn't now press charges.

It worked. Ruby did tell Morag – fortunately when Dad wasn't around – and Morag offered her disgust to me and adamantly told Ruby that nothing could legally be done now. Unfortunately, Ruby figured out that I'd already known what Morag would say, which is why I let her tell her the truth. Morag also insisted that the worst person that could be told is Dad. Just like he spilled the truth about the identity of my long, lost baby, he could easily tell someone what I'd done to Grant.

Anyway, Ruby was pissed off by the time we got home and we argued. Then she broke my heart by deciding to move out again. I must be a terrible, terrible person. Why else would everyone always leave me?

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 16<strong>**th**** September**

**04:39**

**Home**

Grant is dead. I've literally just got in from working the case although I imagine (at best) I'll be taken off it due to conflict of interest. I feel sick. I mean, I'm far from sad that he's dead but... I feel sick. And I could easily be in the frame for a murder I didn't commit. I know I tortured him but he deserved it. I wouldn't go so far as to kill him. But someone did. Alf found him stabbed to death on the beach. I can't believe that the man who raped me, the man who ruined my life is actually gone. I feel sick. But I also feel free.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 16<strong>**th**** September**

**22:00**

**Home**

So much for feeling free. The new, smart arse Detective with a stupid fucking name has suspended me and labelled me his number one suspect. That's great. Just great. I wish I _had _killed Grant. And I'm damn well glad that he's dead but I didn't do it. I wouldn't. Even from beyond the grave that bastard is tearing my life apart. I've called Morag and she said she'll come tomorrow and act as my lawyer, which is a relief. Nobody is better than her!

Yesterday started off as a normal day. I was up early and, as planned, Angelo I went for a run. I tried to compete with him and make it fun but he wasn't interested. Then we went back to his place and washed up. Then we hung out, somewhat intimately until we started our shift after lunch. It was okay really. I'm getting used to being with him for the most part, even if he has been hurting my feelings a bit lately. And he was still complaining that I wasn't trying to get Grant charged with rape. I don't know. It's almost like the two people who didn't truly believe me are now trying to overcompensate by backing me up too much.

It was a long shift really. I caught up with Ruby very briefly and she said that she's just got herself a job at the fish market and managed to pip that new boy, Romeo to the post for it. Then we discovered that Grant was back in the Bay. I honestly don't know what he was thinking but I gather he had a run in with Angelo because he showed up at the police station wanting to make a complaint about threatening behaviour.

He also had a run in with Ruby. Apparently he got chatting to Xavier who, bless him, thought that Ruby was still considering allowing him to be part of his life. The poor kid can't keep up. But Rubes was pretty freaked that Grant was back. It was then that I made a potentially fatal mistake and told her that I would get rid of Grant for good. I didn't know at that point what I was going to do and I guess someone else got there first, which to be honest, I'm grateful for.

Then late last night when we got a call about a dead body on the beach. I'd already finished my shift and gone home to bed so I arrived late to the scene. Angelo and Watson were already there. I got the shock of my life when I realised that the corpse was Grant. I can't even begin to describe how I felt when I saw him there, eyes staring blankly up at nothing. It was weird. I wasn't sad but it would be wrong to say I was happy too. It felt like... justice. I don't know if that makes sense or not.

Back at the station, Angelo and I talked confidentially. I had to check that it wasn't him and he had to check that it wasn't me, which is a bit worrying! But we both promised that we weren't responsible and I do believe him. And I hope he believes me. Because I might be glad that Grant's dead but I wasn't the one to end his life.

I went round to Irene's and told Ruby what had happened, which wasn't fun, especially as she admitted that she had told both Xavier and Geoff about the kidnapping. I'm trying not to think about it too much but honestly, I'm crapping myself. What if one of them spills the beans? I'm in enough trouble as it is.

I worked the scene until the early hours, declined Angelo's invitation to stay over and then crashed out at home for a few hours but I was back at work by seven thirty. Unfortunately, so was this awful Detective, whose name is Robert Robertson. I mean, how the hell am I meant to take him seriously? He's an arsehole as well. He interrogated both me and Angelo and made poor Ruby perform a stupid routine where she had to clap her hands and bark like a seal. I mean, what the hell was that supposed to prove? Her innocence, I hope. The only thing that's keeping me going right now is that all the while I'm in the frame, she isn't. Obviously I know she didn't do it but then, guilt doesn't seem to matter in this case because I didn't bloody do it either!

Angelo took me to one side and said that I should confess about the kidnapping sooner rather than later. I haven't yet and I don't know if I will. I get his point because if it does come out and I haven't volunteered the information it's going to look a lot worse but at the same time, I don't want to draw attention to myself. I haven't been charged or anything. Yet.

Angelo has been told that for now he isn't a lead suspect and so he can carry on working but I had to hand my badge and my gun in. What if I lose my job? Being a cop is all I know how to do. And what if it's even worse than that? What if I lose my freedom? What if, even having been murdered, Grant Bledcoe still wins? What if I continue to be his victim?

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 17<strong>**th**** September**

**19:47**

**Home**

Well, it's been another shitty day and I remain unofficially accused of murder. I just hope that wherever Grant is now, he can't see the misery his death is bringing me and my poor family.

Robertson insisted on going up to speak to Dad today and even asked him if _he _killed Grant. I mean, how ridiculous is that? How could he ever have done it? He's in a care home for goodness sake! I walked out of the questioning, which Morag pointed out wasn't my brightest idea. She thinks that Robertson was asking Dad those ridiculous questions to test my responses. Why can't he stop playing games? Why can't he just be straight with me? I'm not used to being on the other side of the police. And I'm NOT on the other side of the law. Well, I didn't kill him anyway. I might have hurt him a bit but I can promise you that he walked out of that cabin fully alive and as smug and vile as ever.

On the plus side, Morag has completely pledged herself to fighting my corner. She came back to the Bay this morning in order to represent me. She accused Angelo, of course, but I think we both expected that. She's Martha's great aunt, after all and doesn't forgive him for Jack's death. I wish it was different but I do understand. It took a lot of time and talking for me to really understand that it was an accident. And that his actions afterwards were a mistake. He knew it then and he knows it now but he felt trapped inside a terrible situation.

And at least one person in this town has to feel the same right about now, although one would assume that Grant's death was not an accident. But they've killed someone and they're not confessing so they must now know what it means to be trapped by your own actions. And I'd be more compassionate if I wasn't now trapped by their actions too.

Robertson also interviewed Leah and she came home very upset and worried that she had said and done the wrong thing. But all she said was the truth. I was home that night. I'd said goodnight to her and then gone to my room. But of course, once I was in my room, she didn't see me and couldn't prove that I was there, which is what Robertson picked up on.

Morag has said that nobody should be interviewed about me without her from now on. But I know Leah did her best. And apparently Robertson had been hitting on her before they realised the connection to me and the murder and she was loyal enough to say no. I've said I don't mind if she does go out with him. She hasn't dated anyone since Roman and I know she's pretty lonely at the moment so it would be nice to her – if the person she was attracted to wasn't a bastard of course.

Ugh, this whole thing is such a mess. And I hate not being in work! What do unemployed people do all day? I used to love my days off but... how can I enjoy this? I love my job. I _want _to work. And why am I the only suspect? You'd think Angelo would be considered, wouldn't you? He's my boyfriend and he's got form. Oh, that's a terrible thing to say. I really shouldn't have written that. He said he didn't do it and I believe him. If anyone should believe him it's me. I'm meant to have feelings for him. And I do. I just... I wish Joey was here.

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 18<strong>**th**** September**

**13:09**

**The Beach**

I'm booooooooooooooooooooooooooo ooooooooooooored!

The only thing there is for me to do is sit and dwell on the mess my life has turned into.

No Joey.

A boyfriend who is far more into himself than he is into me.

A fragmented relationship with my daughter.

A father suffering with Alzheimer's.

Potentially up on a murder charge when I'm innocent.

No Joey.

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 18<strong>**th**** September**

**14:49**

**The Beach**

Okay, so I am going to distract myself with other people's news. Anything to stop thinking about my own life.

Miles had some sort of confrontation with Sid about Nicole and while Nicole is insisting that she's in love with him, Sid says that nothing has or will happen between them and his focus is trying to establish a relationship with his kids.

I haven't seen very much of Ruby. She's been pretty distant these last few days. I guess she's trying to get her head around Grant's death. But it's hard not to be there for her in the way I would have been... before. Okay, that's not other people's news. Those are my own woes and I shall have no more of them.

News... um... other people... Geoff's doing his boating exam soon. Liam Murphy has decided to settle down in Summer Bay. He's bought property and everything and I gather that that new boy, Romeo, is helping him fix the place up. Hugo and John are still at loggerheads about this reef business thing. I don't get the big deal to be honest. It'll be good for tourism and stuff, won't it? And one would assume that someone so into the sea and all that jazz would be careful of the environment. Oh, and apparently Brendan has invited to share a house with that Ruby girl who goes to his day centre.

So yes, lots of things are going on for the people in my community. Shame I feel like I'm living in my own personal hell.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 20<strong>**th**** September**

**21:38**

**Home**

My weekend has been okay, I guess. Angelo had the day off so he surprised me yesterday morning and took me out for the day. We went for a walk in a gorgeous park about an hour away from here and had a nice lunch. I stayed the night with him and it was nice enough, although I feel so disconnected right now from the world and everything in it, including people I'm meant to be close to.

Ruby has pretty much abandoned me and even though Angelo is trying to play the doting boyfriend, I'm not really letting him. We're both so consumed in our own thing though that I don't know who is being the most selfish. I feel like I need more space to talk through everything that happened with Grant and its aftermath. But Angelo is consumed with work and his own life. Sometimes I wonder how we ever ended up together at all. It feels like we have literally got nothing in common right now.

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Thanks to Robertson, Charlie and Angelo break up, Ruby fails to break up with Xavier and Aden and Liam get into a fight…<em>


	70. Chapter 70

_Posting this a bit later than I meant to – sorry. This one is for luckdog – sorry I haven't replied to you. Emails are on my to do list but a bit swamped with them at the moment. I miss you! Love, IJKS xxx_

**Chapter Seventy**

**Monday 21****st**** September**

**13:42**

**The Beach**

It's Grant's funeral today. His body has finally been released, which scares me a little. If they've got all the evidence they think they need from it and they're still holding me as the number one suspect then it doesn't look good, does it? I'm dreading the moment that that smug Detective Robertson knocks on my door, charges me and locks me up. I feel sick just thinking about it.

I've tried to get in touch with Ruby all day so far but she won't pick up the phone. She never seems to want to talk to me anymore and I feel so lost without her. What if we never get our relationship back on track? What if I really have lost her forever? She's my baby girl and I love her so much but right now, she feels like a stranger. It breaks my heart.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 22<strong>**nd**** September**

**21:49**

**Home**

I was meant to be spending the night with Angelo tonight but he got called into work. Apparently there was something going on at Hugo's boatshed this afternoon. There was an intruder who got into a fight with Hugo and when Xavier tried to intervene, he got knocked out and into the water and nearly drowned. Brendan, of all people, saved his life and this apparent show of independence has made Gina decided that he ought to be allowed to live in this community house thing after all. She hadn't been keen on the suggestion, although by the sounds of it, Xavier, Hugo and Martha all seemed to think it would be good for him. But now Gina is onside too.

According to Angelo, Hugo had been into the police station this morning because he received some kind of death threat last night, attached to his front door. He thinks John is behind it but now he isn't so sure because of this guy who attacked him. He told Watson that he didn't recognise his attacker but that the man seemed to know him. His shed was trashed earlier today as well.

Ruby was there during the fight and she was the one who called the police and an ambulance. Once I heard that, and Angelo had dropped me at home, I called Ruby to make sure she was okay. She was pretty stressed and told me that she'd actually broken up with Xavier just moments before it all happened. But when he woke up at the hospital, he had no memory of their conversation. I feel so sorry for her. And I wish that I could be more supportive, more involved in her life. But she keeps me at arm's length and I'm not sure if that will be changing any time soon.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 23<strong>**rd**** September**

**16:08**

**The Beach**

I am so fucking bored! How do people not work every day of their lives? I feel left out of my own life. Angelo is all wrapped up with work – which I should be too. And Ruby is far keener on spending time with Nicole than talking to me. And of course, I miss Joey beyond the telling of it. It's not fair. Consider me miserable.

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 24<strong>**th**** September**

**17:48**

**Home**

It's ironic really that I'm now the one desperate to spend time with Angelo when up until I lost my job, he was the one always feeling rejected when I couldn't or didn't spend time with him. I invited him round for dinner tonight but he says he has to work and has turned me down. I feel officially snubbed.

Apparently there was some kind of punch up between Aden and Liam today, which doesn't sound good, although I guess it's been brewing for a while now. And Miles and Kirsty have announced that they're pregnant although according to Leah, Miles looks decidedly happier about it than Kirsty does. I hope they're both okay. I hear it's exciting to bring a baby into the world. I wonder if I'll ever experience that for myself. I love my Ruby with all my heart but when I was expecting her, I felt nothing but dread and pain. It's not dissimilar to how I'm feeling right about now actually.

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 25<strong>**th**** September**

**19:31**

**Home**

Angelo and I are officially over and I couldn't be fucking happier. Bastard. Shitty, lying, cheating bastard. I hate him. I don't know what the hell I was doing with him in the first place. I'm better off alone. I never want to so much as look at him again. Fucking liar.

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 25<strong>**th**** September**

**22:19**

**Home**

If you thought I'd come back to you feeling more reasonable, you're sorely mistaken. I still hate Angelo and I will never forgive him for being completely insincere. All this time, he has been forcing me to be real, honest and open with him and all the while, he's been completely dishonest.

It all started this morning when Robertson showed me some photographs of Angelo, out of uniform, hanging out with some hot looking strippers in the city. I mean, they were gorgeous and he didn't exactly look like he was working. I don't know, maybe it's karma for what I did to Joey but to think that he cheated on me hurts a great deal.

When I eventually, on the advice of Morag, stopped ignoring his calls and actually talked to him, he denied having done anything wrong and says that he was in the city because of the stupid abalone investigation but I don't believe him.

He couldn't offer a proper explanation so I dumped him. He tried to get me to change my mind but there's no way that I'm putting up with this kind of shit from a man I don't even love. I dread to think how badly Joey must have felt when she found out about me and Hugo. She _did _love me. And I never deserved her.

I don't know. I guess I thought Angelo and I were a pretty good match. Both of us are screw ups and prone to making mistakes but that was part of what drew us together. I realised a long time ago that I don't deserve someone beautiful and wonderful like Joey. If I deserve anyone, it's someone like Angelo who is flawed and selfish and thoughtless. But even with those thoughts, I believed that we'd muddle on through and make it work – because I don't deserve better than him and he doesn't deserve better than me. Does that make any kind of sense?

So, yeah, my world is pretty much falling apart around me. I've lost my girlfriend and my daughter, I'm being accused of murdering the man who raped me and then the boyfriend that I settled for is lying to me and probably cheated on me. Oh, and my housemate has been asked out on a date by the man who's threatening to take my job and my freedom away forever. Oh yes, life is good.

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 26<strong>**th**** September**

**12:10**

**The Beach**

I am unemployed.

My daughter barely gives me the time of day.

I'm the number one suspect in a murder investigation.

I lost the love of my life through my own stupidity.

And now I've lost my second choice because he turned out to be a bastard.

I hate my life.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 27<strong>**th**** September**

**15:03**

**The Beach**

Five exact months after Joey left me, I have officially broken up with Angelo and it's for absolutely good this time. We talked again today and I gave him to chance to explain to me exactly what he was doing with those strippers but he wouldn't. He said that it was all wrapped up in a case that had to be kept confidential even from me.

Maybe it's true. I don't know. But I can't trust him. And it's not like he's immune to cheating. He slept with me when he was still with May and he tried to get with me on the same day he broke up with her. I'm not one to talk but maybe that gives me the qualification to know that Angelo isn't a man to be trusted. And I can promise you that I don't trust him. I'm just relieved that I never succeeded in forcing myself to fall in love with him. Now I never will.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 27<strong>**th**** September**

**20:20**

**Home**

I confess I have spent most of the day moping – and hiding from Angelo. He's given up trying to call me now, which is a relief. I can do without the hassle.

I've spent much of this evening chatting to Leah. Robertson asked her out on a date the other day but after much deliberation, she turned him down, although I can tell she likes him. I have no idea why but she does.

I wish her luck. Dating is off limits for me now. I couldn't make it work with the most amazing person I have ever met. And I couldn't make it with someone I was really just settling for. To be honest, I don't think I will ever make it with anyone. I'm doomed to be alone. And probably in a jail cell at this rate – if Robertson gets his way.

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Charlie bonds with Ross, Ruby and Xavier put Charlie in the clear for Grant's murder and Martha stands against John in the run for Council…<em>


	71. Chapter 71

**Chapter Seventy One**

**Monday 28****th**** September**

**22:32**

**Home**

I randomly took myself off to spend the day with Dad and we had the most incredible time together. I think I probably cried the whole way home because I was so moved at being close to the man that always seemed like a stranger when I was a child.

We spent the whole day alone together and just talked about _everything_. He was really honest with me about how he felt about his illness, his regrets and his dreams. He said that he feels like the future is very uncertain and he doesn't quite know what to make of it.

We also talked about the Grant stuff – both the history and the present. He broke down over not protecting me when I was just a teenager. He said that he wished he had reacted in a more helpful way, sent Grant to jail and that he and Mum could have taught me to be a parent to Ruby instead of trying to fix the problem by taking her away. And he said he wished he had come right after me when I ran away to Auntie Michelle's and convinced me to come home. But his wish is that Ruby and I will really make it work now so I have promised to come back and try my very best to improve our relationship.

He asked me how I was coping with not working and I admitted that it was really hard. I'm bored and feeling very useless but I'm trying my best. I told him about breaking up with Angelo and he was so sweet about it. He asked me all these questions about how I felt about Angelo and if I wanted to work things out or not and I admitted that I didn't know. I do care for Angelo. I have cared for him in some form or another from the first day I met him when Jack took leave to take care of Martha and I was still trying to make things work with Roman.

But I'm also very aware that I'm not in love with him. He's said the words to me and we're both very aware that I haven't returned the sentiment. I honestly don't feel it. Well, I mean, I guess I do in a way. I have loving feelings towards him. I'd consider him someone I love. But I'm not _in _love with him. I don't get that feeling you're meant to have. I don't think about him all that much when I'm not with him. I don't get excited when I know I'm going to spend time with him. My heart doesn't race. I don't feel like he's part of me. I don't feel for him like I felt for Joey. I felt all of those all consuming things with her and more. The feelings I had for her just outweigh anything I have ever felt for another person. And I told Dad that. Can you believe it?

I told Dad all about Joey, how much she meant to me and how foolishly I came to lose her. He wasn't as surprised as I thought he would be and he told me that he wondered if there was more to my friendship with her considering the way I'd spoken about her and how I had been when I visited him and Morag in a bid to clear my head. I told him that I very nearly introduced them but he had been poorly. He apologised but I said that at the time, I hadn't realised time was running out for us. I told him how much I loved her and how I thought he would have got on well with her. I even confessed that I'd seen a real future for us, until she discovered my mistake, and was thinking about a future where she and Dad would go fishing together and we'd all be a family.

He asked me why I didn't pursue her again and beg to be part of her life but I honestly don't think it's fair on her. I made the mistake and it was her right to leave me. I truly hope that she is doing well and making a good life for herself, and I almost hope that she's found someone to love that will love her back the way she deserves. I say almost because while I do want her to be happy and in love, I do still want to be that person who can make her feel that way. But I know that I never will be and I have to keep that in mind so that I don't pine too badly.

It felt so strange to talk to him about it all but it also felt really good. He didn't judge me. He was so understanding, gentle and kind and told me that whatever decisions I make about my life, he will always support me and love me. Now we just all need to get through this murder investigation and then, I do have some hope for the future. I didn't when I woke this morning but thanks to my Dad, I do feel better. And no matter what happens, I will always be grateful for that. I think I realised today just how much I love him and just how much I need him. We've both made our mistakes but if I could have picked my father, I would have picked him every time.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 29<strong>**th**** September**

**22:03**

**Home**

Following from my amazing day with Dad yesterday, I managed to convince Ruby to go for dinner with me tonight and I'm pleased that I did. I told her all about yesterday and how much it meant to me to have that closeness with Dad and she seemed half pleased and half disappointed that her relationship with him has changed so much.

But she did agree that she and I need to work on things and make more of an effort. She was impressed that I had the courage to tell Dad about Joey and obviously requested the lowdown on what happened with Angelo. She seemed to hope that we would work it out. I don't know if we will.

We spent a fair bit of time dissecting her love life. She is completely torn between Xavier and Geoff, having already split up with Xavier once but he doesn't remember it. To be honest, that whole thing strikes me as suspicious. I've never heard of anyone who only has one single thing missing from their memory after a head trauma. He remembers everything else – except the thing he didn't want to be true. Obviously I didn't say any of this to Rubes but something about his story seems a little off. Not that I blame him though. He loves her. Of course he wants to hold onto her.

She was brimming over when she was talking about Geoff though. And just from my observations, I think he feels the same way. She's worried that he doesn't and that she just has some silly crush or something but I don't think that's the case and I told her so. I'm not sure how keen I am on the idea that she could soon be living with a boyfriend but I guess we'll have to cross that bridge when we come to it. And I certainly hope that she won't be living at Irene's for much longer. I so desperately want her to come home.

In other news, everything seems to be kicking off with Hugo and that manmade reef he's been wanting to build. They've had death threats and everything and now a brick through the window. John denies any involvement and honestly, it doesn't seem to be his style. But who knows? It's not like I'm at work and can investigate myself. Anyway, Hugo has decided to sell the schooner and forget the whole idea but in contrast, Martha has put herself up as John's rival in the forthcoming elections. She's a braver woman than me!

Ruby thinks that Annie has a crush on that Romeo guy. She's even taken up surfing lessons, in which she had no interest until he scored the job as the teacher. But judging by the way Jai seems to keep following the girl around, and that Jai and Romeo consider themselves brothers, I fear hearts could be broken! I'd like to say that all this romance stuff gets easier but... it doesn't.

Oh, and apparently, Miles has proposed to Kirsty but she said no. I guess it's a lot to commit to, bearing in mind that I don't think she's even divorced yet. And that marriage wasn't exactly easy going. She and Kane spent most of their life together on the run!

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 30<strong>**th**** September**

**13:03**

**The Beach**

I just saw Angelo getting his lunch in the Diner. He tried to talk to me but I wouldn't give him the time. He hurt me so much. I dread to think how I'd feel if I was in love with him like poor Joey was in love with me when I cheated on her. That woman gave me everything and I threw it back in her face. And now the same thing has happened again – only it's me that's got hurt. I'm still trying to hold onto the euphoria of the progress I've made with Dad and Ruby over the last couple of days but essentially I'm still in the same mess as I was last week. It's hard to keep holding on.

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 1<strong>**st**** October 2009**

**20:09**

**Home**

I've got my job back! I've got my fucking job back! Words cannot describe how happy I am right at the moment! Oh my WOW!

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 1<strong>**st**** October**

**23:57**

**Home**

I celebrated my news by taking Ruby, who made it all possible, out to dinner. To be honest, I don't know how honest she is being and I dare not ask. If I know she's lying about this alibi that she and Xavier took to the police today, then I'll have no choice but to screw myself over and tell the truth so I think it's safer that I don't know. She insists that she's telling the truth and maybe it's irresponsible but I'm not really in a position to question her.

We spent much of the day together today and yesterday when she found me moping on the beach and generally feeling sorry for myself. She made a real effort with me and was really lovely about cheering me up. It meant a lot and I do feel much more bonded with her than I have for a while now. She thinks I need to talk to Angelo. Even if we don't get back together (which we won't), she thinks I need to at least have it out with him and tell him how much he has hurt me. I don't know. Maybe she has a point.

But as it stands, Angelo spent pretty much the whole day trying to call me but I ignored him. When I finally answered, he told me he missed me and wished he could make things better. I hung up on him. Perhaps it wasn't the most grown up thing to do but I am not ready to deal with all of this. It's too much for me. I was really starting to let him in and he lied to me. He spent all that time whinging and complaining that I wasn't being real with him because I kept things like my relationship with Joey from him, and he's the one who turns out to be a liar. What a fucking hypocrite! I shared so much of myself with him. I even told him the one thing that I swore I would never tell anyone. And probably, if I hadn't told him, I never would have had to tell anyone, including Ruby. And if Ruby had never found out then this whole messed up situation with Grant would never have happened either. I mean, when you think about it, it's all bastard Angelo's fault!

Okay, that's probably not fair but this is my diary and I am allowed to vent if I want to.

Anyway, I was in a good mood until I started talking about him so I am cutting him out from now. Angelo, who? I don't know and I don't bloody care. Uh huh. Yep. Bastard be gone!

So yes, I was telling you about being reinstated at work. When Ruby left me, she and Xavier went to the police station and told Robertson this random story about creeping into my room on the night Grant died and stealing cash for alcohol to go to a party. They apparently didn't come forward because they thought they would get into trouble for drinking underage. To be honest, I don't believe it. I don't believe that Ruby would have put me through all of this horror if she could have provided me with an alibi. But I'm not going to pick it apart. I'll have to do something if I find out for sure so, selfish or not, I'm just going to appreciate the gesture and hopefully get on with my life.

I'm definitely relieved to be back at work. I'm starting with a nightshift tomorrow but I didn't get a chance to look at the rota and see if Angelo is on duty. Here's hoping he's not. As happy as I am to be back on the force and in the clear, working with my ex is going to be hard. At least when he dumped me last time, I was off sick. Now that I've dumped him, we've still got to work together so it's going to be awkward to say the least. I just hope we can both stay out of each other's way and move on.

The only thing is that now I'm single, I've regressed a little and I feel like I'm sitting around waiting for Joey again. And I know she's not coming back so I'm feeling really down about that. And pretty hopeless really. Also, the realisation I had this morning was that even when I _wasn't _single, I was still waiting for her. I keep thinking that I've committed to Angelo and everything – even if he didn't deserve it – but I think I always knew deep down that not only would I ditch him for Joey before she even put her feet back on the shore, but that a huge part of me is absolutely desperate for that to happen. I'm not sure how much of that made sense but it's how I'm feeling.

Other happenings in the Bay consist of Martha adamantly running for council against John, Gina getting a job as the new school principal when Martin goes on sabbatical, Nicole dating Liam and Xavier finally being let out of hospital.

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 2<strong>**nd**** October**

**17:32**

**Home**

I've been ironing my uniform and getting all prepared for work all day but now I'm really nervous. I've got my first shift, a night shift, and I could easily be paired up with Angelo or even have to spend time with Robertson. I have been so excited about getting my job back but now I'm worried that I'm not ready and that this whole thing is going to turn out to be a big mistake. I'm actually scared.

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 3<strong>**rd**** October**

**15:10**

**The Beach**

What a horrible return to work. Not only was I forced to spend the entire night stuck in a car with Angelo, but Robertson also joined us.

We had to go on some kind of stupid stake out – complete with that stupid toy Robertson bought with him that turned out to be some kind of spy camera so that he could keep an eye on what the whole station has been up to. It's sickening really. Thank God I _didn't _kill bastarding Grant Bledcoe.

Anyway, the stake out was pretty pointless. To be honest, I don't really understand what we were doing there. We _almost _caught a couple of guys up to no good but they got away. The only thing they left behind was some kind of flashlight. I don't know how significant it is but Angelo seemed interested.

But to be honest, most of the evening consisted of Robertson making Angelo and I talk about our feelings. I don't really know what his game is but if anything, I'm even more upset with Angelo than I was before – even though I have managed to confirm that he didn't actually cheat on me.

Instead of that, he's back in the Bay on false pretences – some kind of undercover operation – and has essentially been lying to everyone, including me, ever since he got back. While I'm relieved that he didn't have sex with anyone behind my back, I am horrified that everything he has said and done since his return has essentially been pretend.

He insists that his feelings for me have been real but I just don't trust it. He's back in the Bay for some secret mission and he can't tell me about it. Does that mean he did some kind of deal to get off the manslaughter charge for Jack's death? Does that mean that his whole return has been a lie? And what on earth can be so big in a little town like Summer Bay? What are his motives for being here and what are his motives for being with me? And how could he have had the cheek to dump me when I already felt like my world was falling further apart because I had been keeping secrets? I mean, not going into detail about your ex doesn't strike me as a big deal compared to lying about how you're even out of prison.

No, the whole thing has totally messed with my head and I'm more sure than ever that Angelo and I shouldn't be together. If I know that he is keeping secrets from me, that he's shutting me out of this huge part of his life then I am never going to feel comfortable around him. It's going to make a difficult relationship even harder.

Suffice to say, my first day back on the job was unpleasant and I was ironically eager to get home and to bed. When I woke up this afternoon, Leah was full of news that baby Harry nearly died. Rachel is horrified. She rolled over in her sleep and nearly suffocated him. I cannot even imagine how she must be feeling right about now. Poor woman. And poor baby. And poor Tony.

Everyone seems to think that Rachel is suffering from post-natal depression. If I didn't have such a talent for making everything worse, I'd go and talk to her, try and help. I was useful when Harry was snatched but I don't think I'd be much good now. I'm hardly in a position to tell someone how to raise their child, considering I abandoned mine pretty much at birth. And I wonder why Ruby is still live with Irene...

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 4<strong>**th**** October**

**19:01**

**Home**

Is it wrong that whenever I see happy couples at the moment, I feel sick and bitter? And is it even more wrong that Angelo is only part of that? Losing him just seems to remind me of what I lost before. I still miss Joey so much. I try to pretend that it's not there and that I've moved on but I haven't and I don't know if I ever will. I love her so much and this latest round of horror only reminds me that I had the most amazing partner in the world and I just threw her away. Why did I do that? And what has it achieved?

I have a big, fat hole in my heart and even my rebound guy has hurt me now. He's been lying to me and he's let me down. While Miles and Kirsty wander around looking all happy and content, while Liam and Nicole start a new relationship and while I watch my beautiful Ruby falling reluctantly in love with Geoff, what have I got? Nothing. And it's all my fault. I feel so sad.

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Charlie learns the truth about why Angelo is back in Summer Bay and the pair get back together, she also discovers who Grant's murderer really is and Hugo pressures her about Ruby and Xavier's alibi…<em>


	72. Chapter 72

**Chapter Seventy Two**

**Monday 5****th**** October**

**13:43**

**The Beach**

Two days before what would have been the anniversary of two months with Angelo, it is absolutely officially over. He asked me where we stood today and I told him that I couldn't see a future unless he is able to be completely honest with me and he can't. He asked that I give him time to complete his mission but I can't cope with that kind of uncertainty. I can't trust him and so I don't feel safe in a relationship with him. And with no clue as to what the hell he's actually working on, I have no kind of timeframe over when he might be able to tell me the truth about himself and his life.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 6<strong>**th**** October**

**03:32**

**Home**

Okay, my head is spinning pretty fast right now and I hardly know what to think and what to feel.

I met up with Angelo after work and he told me exactly what this secret mission is and what he is back in the Bay for. Apparently a human trafficking ring is operating out of the Bay, bringing illegal immigrants into the country – if they even survive the trip with the conditions they are being kept in. It's disgusting and horrifying and I can hardly believe that something so awful would exist in a little town like ours.

But even worse and more unbelievable than that is that Angelo is convinced that the leader of the pack is Hugo. Yes, I said Hugo. Hugo Austin. Jack's cousin. Martha's boyfriend. Xavier's brother. The man I slept with behind the back of the love of my life – and just when I thought that particular situation could ever have been made any worse…

I can't help thinking that Angelo must have got it wrong. I mean, it's Hugo. How can he be capable of something that awful? He seems like such a nice guy. Ruby blames him for my break up with Joey and thinks he took advantage when I was vulnerable. I'm still not sure about that. I mean, I have to take the blame, right? He didn't force me to have sex with him. But then, I was in a state and I certainly couldn't think straight – so to speak. And Joey definitely blamed me. Hence it being nearly six months since she sailed out of my life for good and took my broken heart with her.

Why does everything in my world go back to Joey? Will I ever be able to forget about her? Do I even want to?

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 6<strong>**th**** October**

**15:07**

**The Beach**

It's been another shitty day, really. I'm still trying to get my head around Angelo's accusations about Hugo and I've been avoiding both of them all day. Unfortunately, Hugo hasn't been avoiding me.

With some pushing from Robertson, Hugo is now convinced that Ruby and Xavier have been lying about the alibi they provided me with. I said I would look into it and I know I have to but I am so desperate for them to be telling the truth. I _was _tucked up in bed. I _didn't _kill Grant. I'm not sad that he's dead but I wasn't the one who killed him. And I so desperately need someone to prove it for me because I can't prove it myself.

On top of that, I have no idea where I stand with Angelo. I broke up with him because he had been lying to me but he's told me the truth now – whether I think he's got it wrong or right – so what am I meant to do? He asked me today if we could spend time together tomorrow as it will be our two month anniversary. I've said yes but I'm scared. Are we back together? Are we apart? How are we meant to be around each other after everything that's happened over the last few months? And why is my head STILL full of Joey?

In less anxiety provoking news, Martha and John are going head to head in this council election thing. John has outed Martha as a former pole dancer, complete with photographic evidence that is now being spread through the town. But she's managed to use it to her advantage, declaring that she has nothing to hide. I'm proud of her – although I don't think she likes me anymore. I don't think she'll ever really forgive me for dating Angelo after what happened with Jack. And she was a really good friend for a while there. I miss her.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 6<strong>**th**** October**

**17:44**

**Home**

That's it, I'm out of here. I'm gone. I hate this place and I hate my life. I'm fucking off and I hope it's for good.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 6<strong>**th**** October**

**23:10**

**The White House**

Okay, so I'm holed up in a cheap but cheerful bed and breakfast in the city. I just had to escape. I packed my stuff, sent Ruby and text and disappeared. And I have no idea when I will feel able to come home.

Dad killed Grant. I just... I can't even believe it. I feel sick.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 6<strong>**th**** October**

**23:49**

**The White House**

Dad killed Grant. He came to Summer Bay in the dead of night, argued with and then stabbed him. He dumped him on the beach and he's stayed quiet all this time. He wants to tell the truth now because he's afraid that I will go down for murder and that Ruby will get into trouble over what we're pretty sure is a false alibi. What the hell am I meant to say? What the hell am I meant to do? And it's not like he can even blame it on his illness. He was sound of mind when he did it. He did it to protect me in the way he failed to do sixteen years ago. I just feel so lost.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 7<strong>**th**** October**

**12:12**

**The White House**

Ugh! Why does every day seem to get worse and worse? I'm still hiding out in the city and everyone is hassling me. Dad has tried to call about six times already this morning and I got a worried text from Ruby. Plus, Robertson has left me a voicemail warning me not to stray too far and I had a call from an extremely pissed off Angelo.

In my haste to get out of the Bay, I forgot all about meeting him and by the sounds of it, he went to a lot of trouble to make a special day for us. He said he thought today would be the day we got back together and decided to really make a go of things. I apologised but he wasn't having a bar of it and doesn't think I have been very fair. I probably hadn't but I had to get away. I had to escape. I can't deal with all the shit that's going on around me, including my complicated relationship with Angelo. It's too much for me.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 7<strong>**th**** October**

**22:01**

**The White House**

I've spent the best part of three hours texting Joey. I never thought I'd get the chance to communicate with her again but on a whim, I sent her a message and she replied. I said: _Hey, how are you? I miss you so much_.

And she replied with: _I'm okay, thanks. How are you?_

I said: _I feel like my whole world is ending and I don't know what to do._

She asked: _What's happened?_

I told her: _I'm being accused of murder. I know who really did it but I can't say anything. But if I stay quiet, I'm an accessory. And I'm potentially ruining my own life._

She said: _What!?_

I tentatively explained the story, including what had happened to me when I was a teenager and that Ruby is my daughter. It took a lot of messages and she took half an hour to reply.

When she did, she said: _I'm sorry for what happened to you. You know I know full well how you must have felt, only it was worse for you because of the repercussions. I'm glad the guy is dead and I hope it was painful. I wish more than ever that I could still be with you, to comfort and support you. I wish things could be different and I could take care of you the way you took care of me. And I think you have been through too much to sacrifice yourself now. Whoever killed that bastard must have done it because they love you. And if they love you enough to kill, then they'll love you enough to admit the truth._

I thanked her and said that I thought she was right. I told her that I wished she was around too and that I feel alone and vulnerable and that the happiest, albeit the briefest time of my life was when she loved me.

She said: _I still love you. And I wish more than ever now that I could still be with you._

I begged her to come home. She took another half an hour to reply.

She said: _It's not my home anymore. I've just about managed to carve out a new life for myself. Not a day goes by when I don't think of you. But I can't come back. I'm sorry. I wish I could help you._

I said: _You are helping me. And I know I shouldn't beg you to come back. It's selfish. I just miss you. And I hate myself for losing you. I am glad that you've got a new life, Joey. Are you happy?_

She said: _Yes, I am happy. I've got a lot of good things in my life now and I am starting to heal from the past. I hope you get there too and that all this mess you're in will go away. Please don't hate yourself. I miss you too._

I told her that I deserved hate and wondered if this whole thing was punishment for the bad things I have done.

She said_: Don't ever think that, Charlie. Please. And don't hate yourself. I don't hate you. I just want you to be happy. Part of me wishes that I could have been the one to make you feel that way but I guess it wasn't to be._

I told her: _You did make me happy. You made me happier than I ever thought I could be. But I never deserved you. From the start, I didn't appreciate what I had. But I was happy with you. I loved you. I still do. And I always will._

She replied: _I love you too. Always. Take care, Charlie. Stay safe. xx_

I took that as a goodbye so I didn't text back. But I have saved every single message in a separate folder, adding to messages from her that were already there. My head feels kind of crazy right now and all my old feelings have been stirred up. I still love her so much. And it both hurts and delights me that she loves me too. And I know that, had I not stuffed up, she'd be with me right now. She'd take care of me. She'd love me and make everything okay.

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 8<strong>**th**** October**

**21:30**

**The White House**

I guess I should go home soon. But I just can't quite bring myself to do it. Dad keeps calling me but I haven't picked up and I feel pretty shitty about that. He's ill and he killed for me. He stabbed the man who raped me and had pledged to ruin my life. He didn't do what he should have when Ruby was conceived but he has tried to make up for it now. But he's only made things worse, really. Either he's going down for a murder he did commit or someone else – probably me – is going down for a murder we _didn't _commit. There doesn't seem to be a right answer.

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 9<strong>**th**** October**

**21:21**

**Home**

I finally ventured back home today. Ruby greeted me with lots of questions. Morag took Dad back to the nursing home on Tuesday but he hasn't enlightened anyone about our argument any more than I have. I mean, how the hell can I ever explain that my father killed someone? None of this makes any sense and I don't think it ever will. What if the police find out the truth? What will happen to Dad? He's too vulnerable to cope with prison. Would he count for exceptional circumstances? What will happen to him? And what will happen to me – or whoever might be wrongfully charged? I've always believed so strongly in justice but now it seems like no justice _can _be served here. I cannot see a way out where Grant Fucking Bledcoe doesn't win.

Although I avoided her questions, I did spend some time with Ruby tonight. She updated me on everything I have missed, especially her desperate concern that Geoff doesn't want to be her friend anymore. Apparently, ever since Monday, he has been really off with her and she doesn't know why because they were getting on like a house on fire prior to that.

And she didn't talk about it, but I know she is stressed about the case and her alibi. And that only makes me think more and more that she lied. But even though I promised Hugo before I left, and even though I know if the truth comes out without them volunteering it, Ruby and Xavier will be in more trouble, I can't quite bring myself to investigate. A big part of me hopes that Ruby is bright enough not to have lied. She is... isn't she?

I don't find it a coincidence that she has suddenly decided she doesn't like Hugo. She swears that she hasn't liked him since I betrayed Joey with him because she thinks he took advantage of me. And I believe that because she said it at the time. But I think it's more than that now. I think he's trying to save Xavier by getting them to tell the truth sooner rather than later. And I have no idea what I think is the right thing for us all to do, my Dad included.

The other things going on in my little girl's world are to do with Annie. She is receiving these love notes and poetry at school and she's convinced that Romeo is behind them. Ruby has advised her to flirt the truth out of him so apparently that's what she's trying to do. He hasn't responded very well so far and keeps being off with her, which suggests he perhaps isn't responsible for the notes after all. But Ruby and Annie have yet to reach that conclusion. Apparently he was nice to her again yesterday though so perhaps there is hope.

Annie and Jai are also currently in competition for an exchange trip to Japan. The girl who was originally going has been taken ill or something so the next two people in line to go are Jai and Annie. It sounds like the trip of a lifetime. I could certainly handle some time out travelling and escaping the horrible messes I keep finding myself in. Hey, maybe I will run into Joey again someday. Except I'm not going to. I'm stuck right here, potentially facing life in prison. I doubt I will run into her in a place like that!

Apparently Nicole and Liam are officially an item now. Ruby told me that Geoff told her that Aden is seriously pissed about it. I guess with all that history with Belle, he is afraid of Liam leading Nicole down a dark path. They're best friends so it makes sense that he would want to look out for her.

But according to Geoff, Aden is in a permanent bad mood anyway. It's understandable. It was only a few months ago that he lost Belle and she truly was the love of his life. I know how it feels to lose the person you care that much about but at least with Aden, none of it was his fault.

Speaking of romance, Ruby was eager to grill me over my love life. I told her about the text conversation with Joey and she tried not to look hopeful over a reconciliation. But I made it clear that Joey and I are definitely over. She's moved on, she's happy and she's probably with some wonderful woman who truly deserves her. She's better off without me and I'm not going to hurt her more by trying to force her back into my life.

For now, I have decided I am going to focus on Angelo. I haven't actually spoken to him since he had a go at me for standing him up, which retrospectively, was valid. I'm going to call him in the morning and hopefully arrange to spend some time with him and make things right. He may not be the love of my life but I do like him and I know this sounds terrible but it's better than being alone. I can't say I look into the future and see wedding bells and babies but I can see us muddling along together quite nicely. He has been honest with me about why he is here now and he hasn't turned and fled in response to my deepest, darkest secrets. I don't really deserve better than him. Sometimes I don't think I deserve anyone at all. But regardless of my feelings, I've got a nice enough guy who wants to love me. I'm not exactly in a position to turn that away.

Oh, and Leah and Robertson went out on a date on Tuesday and she seems to really like him. She admitted that she feels guilty, considering he is investigating me and my family for murder but I have tried my best to assure her that it's okay. He might be an arrogant prick and I don't personally understand what she sees in him, but I do understand that he's just doing his job. Being a police officer isn't often about having friends and sticking by them. If someone commits a crime then that's all that matters.

I hear that Rachel has returned from some time away to sort herself out and she's reached the conclusion that her problems lie with being a mother and a wife and nothing else so she had decided to go back to work. I don't think Tony is taking the news too well but I doubt she'll change her mind. She's a pretty strong character and just like me being a cop, being a Doctor for Rachel is her calling in life – no matter what.

Well, I think I am going to go for an early night so I can be fresh and awake and ready to make things right with Angelo in the morning. Wish me luck!

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 11<strong>**th**** October**

**22:03**

**Home**

I've pretty much spent the whole weekend with Angelo and it's been nice. I feel like we're making progress and that we might be able to get things on an even keel again.

He didn't make it easy to start with. I went round with breakfast yesterday morning and he was still pretty moody about me disappearing, although he grudgingly accepted that I needed some time and space to clear my head. He was hurt that I didn't feel able to talk to him, and I certainly didn't admit to contacting Joey. He'd flip if he knew that she was still the first thing I think about when I wake up and that I silently wish her sweet dreams every night. He'd leave me for good if he knew that he could never have my heart because it already belongs to her. And I'm probably being selfish by staying with him but I don't want to be alone and I think, with a little work, we could be good for each other. I hope so, anyway.

We spent the night together for the first time in a long time and he was keen to make it clear that he wants us to have a proper, regular relationship from now on. He said he wants me to turn to him when I'm struggling and that we can be more of a unit. I'll give it a go. It won't be easy but I can try. He deserves that, right?

We're both back at work tomorrow and I have a lunch date scheduled with Ruby, which I'm really looking forward to. Dad keeps calling. I keep shutting him down.

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Ross confesses when Ruby and Xavier's alibi falls through, Ruby and Xavier break up and Leah struggles with Robertson…<em>


	73. Chapter 73

_Sorry for the delay in updating. I had a pretty vile day. I hope you enjoy it though. Love, IJKS xxx_

**Chapter Seventy Three**

**Monday 12****th**** October**

**19:44**

**Home**

I'm suspended again and I think it's only a matter of time until I am formally charged with a murder I didn't commit. I'm scared. I don't want to go to jail. I can only imagine what they do to cops in jail. Angelo has described his experiences and they turn my blood cold. And I know it sounds awful but at least – accident or not – he did end the life of the person he was accused of killing. I didn't. While my Dad was stabbing Grant to death, I was tucked up in my bed. I had nothing to do with it. I feel like my own life is over right now and so I regret all the mistakes I've made more than ever.

If I go to jail, Ruby will be an adult by the time I'm released and I would truly have missed out on being a mother to her. The only thing that has got me through all this horror, ever since she found out the truth, is that maybe, one day, we'll be able to develop our relationship and live the way we were meant to – as mother and daughter.

And I regret stuffing everything up with Joey. I guess, if she ever hears about me being sent down, she'll be glad that she escaped. But I would hate her to think of me even more terribly than she does already. And she just represents another failure in my life. What am I meant to do now? How I am I meant to survive?

Basically, the pressure Robertson has been putting on Xavier all got a bit too much for him and he admitted to Gina and Hugo that he and Ruby had lied about their alibi. Gina and Hugo then, quite rightly, dragged him to the police station to make a formal statement. I understand that he couldn't continue lying and telling the truth was the right thing to do, but it's hard to be glad when it means that my life is potentially over. And even worse than that, Xavier has dropped Ruby in it too. Not only did he not see me at the time of the murder, he wasn't with Ruby either so neither of us have alibis. To be honest, if Ruby gets charged instead of me, I fear that I will have to tell the truth about Dad or get him to confess. I can't put my daughter through hell, not even for my Dad.

Angelo told me before I left the station that he had wanted to warn me when he saw Xavier come for an interview but that he had been advised against it in case it made things worse and specifically, made any of us look guiltier. I think he made a good call. I would have liked a heads up but what would it really have achieved?

Martha called Morag and let her know what was happening so that she could come back to the Bay to help us. I'm grateful that Dad didn't come with her, as I have still been avoiding his calls. I just can't bring myself to speak to him right now. I know he was defending me and I know he was trying to make things better but he's only made things worse. Or has he? I mean, perhaps being charged with murder isn't as bad as what Grant could have put us all through if he was still around. I'd never make the mistake of underestimating him and I think he could have done a lot worse to us if he had had the time.

Anyway, I found out what was going on when Robertson came round. He took the time to flirt with Leah. Morag arrived at the same time as he was freaking me out and making me worry over his questions about Ruby's whereabouts. He went to find her at the Diner and arrested her for providing false information in a police investigation. Hopefully that's the least she'll get done for. And hopefully it won't lead to any kind of custodial sentence.

I arrived at the station to be with her, just as Angelo was laying into Robertson for bringing Ruby in. I was touched that he risked himself to stand up for her. It means a lot to me. Anyway, Robertson disgusted me by bringing Ruby in handcuffs – and that he made poor Watson do it. We went into the interview room and he explained that Xavier had ratted her out and said that she had been using him. I guess he has a point about that. I know she doesn't want to be with Xavier anymore but she hung onto him first because he 'forgot' her breaking up with him and then because she needed his compliance with an alibi.

I doubt Geoff would have done what Xavier did. I feel sad for him to be honest. I might not have been Xavier's biggest fan at the start, especially with all that stuff with Freya, but he loves Ruby so much and he's proved that he would do almost anything for her. But I guess lying to the police, quite rightly, was a step too far. Ruby is furious with him now but I can't help feeling sorry for the guy, getting dragged into my mess.

I did my best to stand up for Ruby but she had no choice but to admit to lying so what could I really do? She was pretty amazing, I must admit. She was very gallant in insisting on my innocence and I was very touched by her words. I comforted her as best I could and she apologised for making things worse. I don't blame her. She was just trying to look after me. She was just trying to make things better. If I feel anything very strong right now, it's happy with the love I'm receiving from the daughter I abandoned and denied. I feel very touched by that.

Robertson decided not to charge Ruby but I don't trust him. I'm still very anxious about what he might do next. He suspended me and labelled me as his number one suspect again so goodness knows what will happen next. I don't think I have a very comfortable night ahead of me. I feel sick. I think I might call Angelo. He's not Joey but he was very sweet today and did he best to stand up for Ruby and I. I could do with some comfort right about now.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 14<strong>**th**** October**

**23:18**

**Home**

Dad has been formally charged with Grant's murder and while I sit at home and write this, he is languishing in the same cell I spent last night in. It's all a bit sick, really. I feel like the world is ending. I have no idea how we got here.

Yesterday, I woke up with Angelo, feeling very strange and regretful because yesterday would have been mine and Joey's six month anniversary if I hadn't been such a bitch and lost her. But with everything going on, I tried not think about the significance of the day too much. Angelo went off to work after breakfast and I was left to try and fill my day with something other than fretting about what was to become of me and my family.

Leah was a real sweetheart and she tried to be optimistic about everything, insisting that I wouldn't be found guilty of murder because I didn't do it. She still feels bad about her 'relationship' with Robertson but I tried to reassure her. Then Watson and another of my colleagues came round with a warrant to search the property. They took a bunch of stuff but fortunately, they didn't find my diary. I would have felt terrible if the truth had come out because of me. I couldn't have that on my conscience.

I gather that Robertson took Angelo into the city to search Dad's place. Robertson told him it was because I was the suspect and I could have hidden anything anywhere. But I think now that Robertson had suspected Dad for some time. I hope to get the chance to ask him about it tomorrow. Apparently Robertson said that he hoped the courts would go easy on me because of what Grant put me through but he added that unfortunately, life isn't like that. Angelo told me that he gave Robertson as much hassle as he could get away with, which I appreciate, but really, what could he do?

Then, later that day, after I had spoken to Ruby and done my best to reassure her, and then chatted a little with Leah, Robertson and Watson showed up at my door to arrest me.

Morag met me at the police station and accompanied me to my interview. Robertson had discovered what I did to Grant that day with the stun gun and had a vast amount of evidence over my vendetta against Grant before he died. All in all, it wasn't looking good and I couldn't exactly deny any of it. I did abduct and tazer him and I did hate him more than anything else in the world. I did threaten him and I did try to bring him down in a legal capacity. And I am glad that he's dead. I just wasn't the one who killed him.

Anyway, the most humiliating aspect of the day was having to spend the night in the cells. It was awful. Thankfully it was a quiet night and there was no-one else there. Angelo stayed for most of the night and tried to get to me when he could, which I appreciated it. He kept going on about something Robertson said in the city which made he wonder if this was all a ploy and that perhaps he didn't think I was guilty after all. In the free world, it's something to think about now but last night, I didn't want to hear it. It only confused me a million times more.

This morning, Morag sat in on an interview with Ruby. Wanting to get more information on exactly why she had lied, Robertson had called her in. I was still behind bars and generally feeling sick and sorry for myself when my Dad showed up. It seems that Robertson was expecting him, although Morag was shocked.

We were all told we could sit in on the interview and it was there that Dad confessed to killing Grant. I felt sick the whole time and I tried to stop him doing it. In that moment, I was more than willing to take the blame for my poor, vulnerable father. But he insisted. He explained that he'd met with Grant in a bid to scare him off but things had got out of hand and the next thing he knew, Grant was dead. Dad dragged him to the beach and then went back to the care home.

He said he regretted every day that passed where he hadn't stood up for me after what Grant had done and he knew that he had to stop him from hurting Ruby and I again. The last thing Grant did before he died was laugh at Dad and promise to make my life hell. I hate the repercussions and I don't want my Dad to be facing jail but I'm damn glad that Grant is dead. And I know it's wrong but I'm also touched that my Dad was willing to go to such lengths to protect his girls.

Ruby and I both broke down and Morag looked like she didn't exist within herself anymore as Dad was charged and taken into custody. I hated taking Ruby back to Irene's. I wanted her to come home with me but perhaps that time will come later. I hope so. In fairness, I'm pretty beat right now and eager to go to bed. I just wanted to get everything written down, although I doubt it's something I will forget for a while.

I've been reinstated at work but at this point in time, I don't even want to go back. I just want to hide away forever and forget that any of this horror ever happened.

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 15<strong>**th**** October**

**23:00**

**Home**

It's been another horrible day. Dad was taken into formal custody in the city but he's been put on a medical wing so that he can continue to receive proper care. Morag will do everything she can to get him off the hook, due to mitigating circumstances so hopefully there is a chance that he can live out the rest of his days in care instead of custody. But at this point in time, we don't know anything about what the future might bring.

We went to the police station in the morning to see him and Angelo was there. He said he'd checked on him as much as he could and apparently he had a good night. Ruby didn't seem very with it though. She kept drifting in and out of the conversation. I'm worried about her – although she insisted that she is fine. I will keep an eye on her though. Hopefully there's nothing wrong, per se; she's just stressed about the current situation.

Robertson approached and offered genuine condolences to us, which I mostly appreciated. My only consolation over the way he has treated me since Grant was murdered is that I know he is just doing his job. And if it had been me and another local, for example, I would have had no choice but to approach things in at least a similar way. I'm not sure I could ever be as quirky as Robertson is. I think he might actually be certifiable!

I asked him if he had been after Dad all along. He said I had been a suspect at the beginning but he soon twigged that Dad was the killer. He figured if he put pressure on me and Rubes then Dad would come forward and obviously it would be better if Dad came forward on his own.

We saw Dad for a short time and Ruby actually called him 'Dad', which I know would have meant a lot to him. She said that he will always be her father, regardless of biology and we got the chance to say our goodbyes. We're hoping to get to go and see him sometime soon. When he left, Ruby broke down and I did my best to comfort her. I hope I did a good enough job.

I spent a bit of time talking to Ruby after Dad was taken away. We invited Morag to join us but she wanted to drive back to the city. We objected. She looked so pale, like she was lost somewhere inside herself. We were worried about her driving in such a state of shock but she insisted and well, Morag isn't exactly the kind of person you can easily argue with – although I have tried on many an occasion!

In a bid to distract ourselves from the horror of the world around us, Ruby regaled me with everything else going on in her life. She and Xavier had a big row in the Diner where he accused her of using him and they haven't spoken since. She presumes that they have broken up. But she is getting on well with Geoff and finds him as a real source of comfort.

Apparently Annie is still wrapped up with Romeo; one minute things are flirtatious and one minute he completely shuts her down so she is very confused. I guess that's what I did to poor Joey in the beginning. I wonder if I will ever get to a point where not every single thing reminds me of her. It's amazing how someone who was only really in your life for a couple of months, can become such a part of you. I miss her so much.

Apparently Liam serenaded Nicole on Monday and the two of them are trying to make a go of things, although it's all very casual for now. I gather that Aden is less than impressed and his mood swings are really worrying Geoff. If I get a chance, I might stop by and see him. I feel a strange bond with Aden and I have ever since he introduced me to Joey. Ugh! Charlie Buckton, stop writing about your ex-girlfriend in every single paragraph!

I stayed up late chatting to Leah tonight. She and Robertson had a falling out but they made up before he returned to the city for good. I can't say I will, but I think Leah is really going to miss him. They had a bond. She fell out with him because it turns out that he has lied about a lot of things and has a tendency to tell stories. Apparently he told Irene that he used to be a lawyer, and some silly story to VJ about how he got his name and I gather he's been having the whole police staff running around trying to get him the perfect coffee.

Anyway, he insisted that the one thing he would never lie about is how he feels about Leah and he gave her a beautiful and apparently significant painting before he left. She kissed him goodbye and she said she feels like she has hope now. Ever since she broke up with Roman, she has apparently thought she was going to be left on the shelf but Robertson has renewed her faith in love. I'm glad he did something good while he was here at least.

She told me that he said he hoped, considering the circumstances, Dad won't be incarcerated for too long. I hope so too.

We talked a bit about everything I have missed since it all kicked off. Martha and John had their public debate and it went well for both of them but it seemed especially good for Martha. She got some cat calls because of the pole dancing history but apparently she really rose above it and used it to her advantage, which I think is pretty cool. I hope one day she and I can be good friends again. I don't know if it's possible though.

Well, it's getting late so I guess I'd better get myself to bed. It's been a very long day.

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 16<strong>**th**** October**

**22:01**

**Dad and Morag's House**

Leah took Ruby and I to the city today so that I didn't have the face the drive but we could see Dad. He had a court hearing this afternoon and they have ruled that he be allowed home until his trial. That's good news I guess. It means we get to visit him more often than we would if he was in jail. And it will be more comfortable for him. He needs comfort right now. He looks more bewildered than ever. My heart feels like it's breaking.

We got to spend a fair bit of time with him and Leah was sweet enough to come to the hearing too. The idea was that we'd go back with her tonight but in a rare moment of vulnerability, Morag asked us to stay. We shopped for clean underwear and toothbrushes and stuff and have promised to stay for as long as she needs us to. I know we didn't always get along and, let's face it, I didn't always get along with Dad either, but we're family. We have to stick together.

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 17<strong>**th**** October**

**13:08**

**Dad and Morag's House**

I'm just hiding out in my room for a little bit to try and take a break from some of the anxiety flowing between the four of us. Dad is walking around the house like a ghost and Morag isn't fairing much better. Nor is Ruby. And to be honest, nor am I.

Angelo called this morning and told me that he'd booked us a two week holiday in January. My instinct was to panic about him being presumptuous and that I have never been on holiday with a partner before, but I resisted. It was a nice gesture and it's a couple of months away so I have time to get my head around it. It might be fun, right? And if Angelo and I are staying together then I've got to get used to this kind of thing. I want to be a normal couple with him. I want this to work. I want to stop being a freak.

Well, I'd better head back out. I just wanted to catch my breath. Robertson is coming over later and hopefully he'll have some sort of good news for us. I'm not sure how that would even be possible though.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 18<strong>**th**** October**

**21:51**

**Home**

Ruby and I got back from the city today. We caught the bus and it was a pretty long journey but I still feel so numb about everything that it was good not to have to drive. It gave me a chance to try and relax and it was nice to chat some more with Ruby.

I left Ruby at home and went to the station to see Angelo as he was due to be finishing his shift any minute. Unfortunately, it didn't quite work out like that. He kept promising but delaying taking me out to dinner, which is a real shame because I could have done with the company. I seem to be feeling loneliness so much more strongly these days.

We got a little chance to talk and he asked about how things were with Dad. Morag is pretty confident that we have a case for diminished responsibility and that he won't go to jail but it's all very unsettling right now. And poor Dad and Morag are a mess, not to mention my Ruby. Robertson has been good though. He's being oddly sensitive and kind about the whole thing and has said he'll put a good word in for Dad when the time comes. I'm grateful for that at least.

Anyway, apparently we were about to leave when Angelo got a call asking him to stay on. It's really stormy weather tonight so everyone is on high alert. I'm glad I'm not on shift, to be honest. But I wish Angelo wasn't either. It would be nice to have some company tonight, someone to care about me. I feel so lost right now.

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Angelo and Hugo make a grim discovery, Ruby is diagnosed with diabetes and Leah thinks she is responsible for Kirsty's miscarriage…<em>


	74. Chapter 74

_I'm venturing home tomorrow so I won't have any time to update so I thought I would do a double today. I hope that's okay and that you enjoy the chapter! Love, IJKS xxx_

**Chapter Seventy Four**

**Monday 19****th**** October**

**20:47**

**Home**

It's been a fairly long shift and I was patrolling for most of it. Angelo said he would come over after he finished his shift but in light of everything that happened today, I doubt it will happen. Is it sad that I'm pining for a man I don't even love?

On our morning break, we went to the Surf Club to get a juice and maybe some brunch but before we'd even ordered, Angelo got a call so I was left on my own. I'm glad that I at least understand what his mission is now or else I'd probably be feeling very sour about it. I can't say that I necessarily agree with his Hugo theory but I do believe in the human trafficking investigation. So I understand and fully appreciate that he has to devote his life to the case, even if it doesn't leave me high and dry on a rather regular basis. He did say that he was looking forward to our holiday though. And while part of me is still pretty scared of such a move, I have to admit that I think it could be nice. It might help us find it easier to spend time together. It might help me heal.

Anyway, Angelo's mission for the day was to help Hugo find his missing schooner. Angelo still thinks it could have been torn from the dock in the wind last night but Hugo is adamant that it was deliberately cut free. So, the boys went out together but they came back with a lot more than they bargained for. I got a call back at the station that afternoon and had to send a team out to the abandoned island that Geoff and Nicole were terrorised on by that awful man. They'd located the schooner, but with it, they had found the vessel that went missing months ago – back when Joey was still in town. I remember because she was reading about it the day that we went out on the Blaxland together, the day that I realised I was in love with her.

But I digress. Basically, what happened was that when they found the boat, in it they found a dozen dead bodies. I was part of the team holding back the crowd as the boat was brought back and the divers were sent down to retrieve the corpses. I couldn't even look, to be honest. But I did my best.

They're still processing the bodies and Hugo seemed particularly shaken up by the whole thing. Angelo thinks that it is connected to his case and so therefore thinks Hugo is involved in the ship of death. But he looked so scared. He didn't look guilty, just confused and concerned. So, surely he can't be involved in this kind of horror? Martha came to be with him while he gave a statement to Angelo on site. I gather that Angelo told Martha that the people on the boat could have been asylum seekers. He said it in front of Hugo and I think he was trying to gauge some kind of reaction. I still can't get my head around the idea that Hugo could be involved. I mean, if he was some kind of evil mastermind then he couldn't have been trying very hard to protect me when Joey tricked him into admitting the truth, could he? I've always tried to not see him as the enemy, despite what Ruby tells me. I've tried to take responsibility for everything that happened but now I dread what kind of man I allowed myself to be with, especially in those particular circumstances.

But anyway, I busied myself with keeping the media at bay and Angelo headed into an office with the big boss, who had come in especially and who I gather is one of the people responsible for bringing Angelo back to the Bay a free man. They talked for ages and I hope I'll find out what was said and done if and when I see Angelo next. I hope now that he has told me the basics of what is going on, he'll include me in the rest of it. I mean, maybe I can help.

One of the bodies was missing a hand so it seems like too much coincidence for our hand in the sand not to belong to him. Everything is being tested and investigated at the moment and we have a lot of evidence to process right about now. I was tempted to hang on and extend my shift but to be honest, I was so tired by the time I was due to knock off that I went for it. My plan is to be fresh as a daisy and ready for anything first thing tomorrow.

I caught up with Ruby for a bit before I went home. She was full of questions about the discovery of the boat but there was little I could tell her. At this stage, we don't even know very much. She updated me on her life instead. Apparently there has been a big fall out between Romeo and Jai because of Annie, who is utterly confused because Romeo keeps blowing hot and cold with her. He stood her up last night but he was really friendly today. Men really can be horrific, unhelpful creatures.

And there have been all sorts of chopping and changing when it comes to this exchange program. First Jai pulled out and then Annie pulled out so Jai decided to go for it and has been accepted. I think that's how it stands at the moment anyway. I don't know. Maybe it will be easier for Annie and Romeo if Jai is off living his dream?

Nicole has achieved the unthinkable and I gather that for her sake, Aden and Liam are attempting to be 'friends', at least as best the can. I hope it works out, for Nicole if nothing else. And harbouring hate in your heart is never a good thing. I don't know Liam so I don't think much of him either way but I am very fond of Aden so I want him to be well and happy, or at least as happy as he can be after losing poor Belle. That whole thing was so tragic. He walks around now like the ghost of his former self. It's so sad. They were both so young and had only just found each other and through no fault of either of them, they were torn apart. At least with Joey, I can blame myself.

* * *

><p><strong>Monday 19<strong>**th**** October**

**22:59**

**Home**

As I suspected he would, Angelo called a little while ago to say that he wouldn't be able to come round tonight. He had a very full on shift and says he just wants to go to sleep and forget about the world. I wonder if we'll have to wait for our holiday in order to spend some time together. I wonder if I mind for the right reasons.

Angelo told me that they caught 'Clint Eastwood' watching them unload the bodies. A little boy, presumably his son, escaped but they brought Clint into custody. And with some careful manipulation, Angelo thinks he has proved that Hugo is connected. He and his boss called Hugo in to sign his statement and brought Clint into reception at the same time. Apparently Clint freaked out and started screaming at Hugo, but of course nobody but Hugo could understand him. Hugo spoke to him in his own language an says that he was calming him down but with the way Clint backed down and shrunk inside himself, Angelo thinks that Hugo was threatening him. Obviously he can't prove anything but he is sure that everything is fitting together and that it is now only a matter of time.

I spent a fair bit of time talking to Leah this evening. She is in a terrible state. Apparently it all started yesterday when the fridges in the Diner broke and all the food went off. They had to shut shop as soon as they realised but hardly any of their stock is salvageable. But unfortunately, that's not the worst of it.

Kirsty has been rushed into hospital. She and Miles spent the day babysitting Harry so Rachel and Tony invited them round for dinner – takeaway from the Diner. Kirsty ended up collapsing and has been rushed to hospital where things aren't looking so good. She has Meningitis and food poisoning so Leah is beside herself with worry, especially as we all heard today that she has now lost the baby. I feel so sorry for her, and for poor Miles. That must be one of the hardest things a person would ever have to go through. I don't know Kirsty very well but I hope to get the chance to see Miles and offer him my support. He's a good friend and I care a lot about him.

But anyway, Leah is punishing herself. I tried to reassure her. I mean, they don't know that it was food from the Diner that caused this. I think she is panicking prematurely and I told her so. She went to visit today but couldn't bring herself to go in because she feels so guilty. I hope that it can be proved that it wasn't her fault. If she thinks she's responsible for the death of a baby, and potentially a friend as well, then she'll never forgive herself.

Apparently while Ruby and I were away with Morag last week, Martha asked after us, which touched me. Maybe we can start being tentative friends again now. She seems very happy with Hugo and she tolerates Angelo a little better now so maybe in time she'll accept that I'm dating him and be my friend again. I hope so, anyway. It gives me hope knowing that she asked after me, Rubes, Dad and Morag. She is apparently also very concerned about Tony who is struggling to cope with work and the baby now that Rachel is back in her job. I hope they figure things out.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 20<strong>**th**** October**

**18:03**

**Home**

It's been another crazy busy shift but we don't seem to be getting anywhere. Angelo is very frustrated because 'Clint Eastwood' won't talk and they can't get an interpreter in until the morning.

He begged me to spend the evening with him tonight to help him take his mind off everything so he's coming to pick me up in an hour and we're going out to dinner. I will probably spend the night at his place and then we can go to work together in the morning. I think I may be a little desperate to have a normal relationship with him. I know he's not 'the one' but I do want to make things work. I will try my best. You never know, I might start enjoying myself soon.

Mostly today we were dealing with the panic that has spread through the Bay. All anyone can talk about is either the dead bodies in the boat or poor Kirsty's illness and miscarriage. Everything feels so sad at the moment. And I gather that John is using the former to secure his council position. But I really hope that Martha wins. I think she could do great things for our community.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 21<strong>**st**** October**

**19:19**

**Home**

I actually got to spend the evening with Angelo, although to be honest, we may as well have been at work. I think I probably contributed about six sentences for the whole night. He just couldn't stop talking about the case. I understand that he has a lot going on and that this is really important to him, but it would be nice if we could put work aside for a night.

One of the good things about dating Angelo is that we are both cops. It gives us common ground and a certain understanding. But it's also proving to be a negative. Sometimes I don't want to be a cop. Sometimes I just want to be Charlie. But apparently 'just Charlie' isn't so interesting to Angelo right now.

Anyway, it was another heavy day at work. 'Clint Eastwood' managed to escape before he could have his interview with Angelo, Bill and the interpreter so we're pretty much back to square one.

I opted out of spending the evening with Angelo tonight. I can't do another evening of work chat, and I know it will be worse tonight with this latest development. Angelo was seriously pissed about it. I had to stop him laying into poor Watson. It wasn't her fault that he escaped.

So, instead of seeing him tonight, Ruby and I are going for dinner and movie and that prospect is definitely a lot more attractive. I'm really looking forward to it. Speaking of, I really ought to go and get ready. I've got to pick her up soon.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 21<strong>**st**** October**

**23:32**

**Home**

Ruby and I had a really good evening and I hope this means that we've got our relationship back on track now. I'm not entirely sure if I am meant to be her mother or her sister at this point in time but maybe I can be both? Maybe our relationship can be something so special that it's undefined? Maybe. I don't know. I hope so.

She told me that Annie is definitely going to Japan now and Jai is staying behind. She is friends with both of them but having been living with Annie for a while now, Ruby is very sad and says she is going to miss her terribly. She also said that the only reason Annie is actually going is that she doesn't believe she has a reason to stay – meaning that Romeo has messed her around one too many times.

There's no real news on Kirsty as yet but when I came home tonight, I found Leah sobbing in her bedroom. I ended up cuddling her for ages and trying to comfort her. She is so broken and feels so guilty about Kirsty's miscarriage and she's certain that it's her fault. I don't exactly know what the right thing to say is, except that even if it was caused by food poisoning, and even if it was from the Diner, it's not really Leah's fault. She didn't know that the fridge was broken and she didn't know that she was serving bad food. As soon as she realised, she shut the Diner and dealt with it. But I know none of that is going to stop her feeling terrible over the loss of a baby – a baby that was meant to be born to two of her closest friends. I just feel so sorry for everyone.

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 22<strong>**nd**** October**

**20:43**

**Home**

Ruby and I were going to hang out tonight but she's going to a goodbye dinner with Annie instead. I gather it's a family thing – Annie, Geoff, Irene, Alf, Colleen, Leah, Ruby... not me. Angelo is working for the evening so I am by myself. I wish I was better at being by myself. But I think to be able to exist well in your own company, you can't hate yourself too much. And unfortunately, that's an affliction I will always have to deal with.

Anyway, the latest news is that both Annie and Jai are going to Japan for the next six months. The other girl that was meant to be going pulled out, saying that it was meant to be a thing for herself and her twin sister but now her sister can't go, she doesn't want to either. That left two positions open and for the first few weeks, Irene is going too as a chaperone in order to settle them in. I wish I had such an excuse to take off! I'd love to leave my life behind.

Ugh, I sound like such a depressive, don't I? I don't know what's the matter with me. I mean, I should be jumping for joy now that I'm not being accused of murder anymore. But then, it's my Dad who's going to be punished for that so maybe not. I don't know... I guess I just feel like my life isn't going anywhere. Ruby and I have these wonderful moments where I think things are healed but the fact of the matter is that she still doesn't want to live with me, she doesn't want me to be her mother. On top of that and Dad, the love of my life is long gone and my relationship with my boyfriend isn't really going anywhere. The only good thing going at the moment is work and even that, I'm finding stressful rather than engaging.

I think I'm stuck in a rut.

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 23<strong>**rd**** October**

**09:08**

**Home**

Angelo and I both had the day off this morning and were going to spend it together but I've decided to cancel. I've just finished having a coffee and a chat with Leah. Feeling utterly responsible for Kirsty's condition, she went to apologise to Miles, who didn't take it very well so she's more broken than ever. It didn't feel right to abandon her so I'm taking her out to lunch instead.

Angelo was pretty pissed off and had the cheek to complain that we haven't spent any quality time together lately but I wasn't going to let that change my mind. I'm not the kind of girl who will get easily manipulated by her boyfriend. My friend needs me and she has more than been there for me during all the shit that's gone down this year. I'm going to look after her.

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 23<strong>**rd**** October**

**18:00**

**Home**

Leah and I had a nice day together, topped off by Miles coming round and confirming that she wasn't responsible for Kirsty getting sick and losing the baby. She was so relieved that when Miles was gone again, she broke down in my arms. Then she told me that I could still salvage my day with Angelo if I wanted but I decided that we should celebrate instead. So in addition to spending the whole day together and going for lunch, we're going for dinner too. I'm looking forward to it. And I'm sure Angelo will understand. Well, even if he doesn't, I'm sticking by my guns. I am not about to sacrifice friendship for the sake of a man.

Apparently Nicole was in a real state today. Liam forgot to set an alarm or something so she was late to her exam. That's really not a great start to her HSC but hopefully she will still get through. I can't help but think it was irresponsible of both of them though. She ought to be focussing on finishing school, not romancing a recovering rock star.

But anyway, Annie and Jai left for Japan today. I am hoping to get to spend time with Ruby tomorrow. I hope she is okay and doesn't miss her friends too much. Leah and I caught a brief glimpse of Romeo looking extremely depressed, poor guy.

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 24<strong>**th**** October**

**23:56**

**Home**

Ruby is in hospital. I still feel sick just thinking about it and picturing her lying there, passed out on the bed when I found her. She went into a diabetic coma, which was a shock considering that before today, we didn't even know she was diabetic. The Doctor told us that she has diabetes type one and will have to be very careful with her diet and everything from now one, as well as having to inject insulin.

I so desperately want her to come back and live with me where I can take care of her. My heart hurts to think of her having to spend the night in the hospital. I was that close to staying with her all night but she insisted that I go home, get some rest and then devote the day to her tomorrow, preferably with get well gifts. So, that's what I'm going to do.

I'm going to head out early and get her some nice things from town – not food because I don't understand about blood sugar levels and things yet – and then spend the whole day with her. And I will try to broach the subject of her moving back in. I know that Geoff cares for her (perhaps a little too much) but he's only eighteen himself. He's not old enough to look after her. Surely she needs her Mum right now? I so want to be her Mum.

I feel so guilty now though. We were meant to be having dinner but work was so hectic that I had no choice but to do overtime and therefore had to cancel. I spoke to her briefly and just about managed to get her to agree to see someone over everything she has been through lately. She's been complaining of exhaustion for a while now and I should I have seen the signs somehow. I should have worked out that it wasn't stress that was making her tired, that it was something else. And I should have sacrificed work in order to spend time with her. I'm always writing in here about how much I want to be part of her life, to be close to her and I totally let her down tonight.

I gather that the plan, after I bailed on her, was to get a pizza and a DVD with Geoff. While he went out to get said items, Ruby crashed out on her bed and he had to wake her up. They were talking in her bedroom when Xavier came round. They attempted to make up and Ruby said she apologised for dragging him into the Grant saga. But then he got all jealous about her living all alone with Geoff and they argued. But then she stated vomiting and kicked him out. In that time, Geoff had gone out in order to give them some space. I had dropped by the Surf Club to grab a chicken wrap to munch while I worked when I ran into him.

We shared our concerns about Ruby's health and I went back with him to the house to check on her. We found her unconscious on her bed and had to call an ambulance and rush her straight to hospital. I still feel unwell just thinking about it.

We had a pretty agonising wait until the Doctor could tell us what was going on. She's got to spend the next couple of nights in hospital so that they can keep an eye on her and educate her on how to handle her condition. And I vow to be there and to take care of her to the best of my ability.

The Doctor told us that if we hadn't found her in time then she could have died, which I think terrified all of us. She admitted that she knew something was wrong but she was scared that it was something serious, like what Dad has so she was too afraid to say anything. I wish she had. I wish she had turned to me. I wish I had noticed. I wish I could have helped her. It was nearly too late.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 25<strong>**th**** October**

**21:30**

**Home**

I was up and out early this morning. I bought Ruby a bunch of magazines and the iPod that she's been after for a while. I even went home and put some music on it for her. And I finished up by getting a little teddy bear that I knew she'd think was cute, which she did. And she really appreciated the other stuff too. I'm glad about that, although now I have to think of a different Christmas present! Never mind. She's worth it.

They said that she can leave hospital on Tuesday morning. I'm meant to be at work but I will try and get out of it if I can. I'd like to be the one to bring her home, even if it's not the right home! But otherwise, I know Geoff will make sure she's okay.

We had a really nice day together and got to have some proper girlie chats. She told me that thought things were over with Xavier now and she seemed to feel really sad about it. I almost brought up the Geoff issue but he interrupted and I ended up sharing her with him for the rest of the day. He is nice though. And he obviously cares about her. I think if they end up together, they will be a nice match, although I don't relish the idea of her living with her boyfriend. But I won't jump to conclusions yet.

While I was shopping, Nicole came to visit her, which was nice. Apparently she and Liam have broken up or at least are 'on a break' at the moment, which is really upsetting her. I have to admit that it went wrong fast! But being broken up and on a break are different things, aren't they? So maybe it will work out. I don't spend much time with either of them really but they seem to be quite good for each other.

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Romeo and Xavier make a discovery which leads to evidence for the police and friction between Hugo and Martha, news of Ruby's diabetes spreads and she and Geoff finally confess their feelings for each other while Ross gets a date for his trial…<em>


	75. Chapter 75

_For Murfonso. Love, IJKS xxx_

**Chapter Seventy Five**

**Monday 26****th**** October**

**12:31**

**The Beach**

I've had a fight with Angelo. He wanted to see me tonight but I want to spend as much time as I can at the hospital with Ruby. He doesn't get it. He seems to think that because she's been given the all clear, albeit with a diabetes diagnosis, that she doesn't need round the clock visiting. But it gets lonely in hospital. I know she has other people but I'm her mother and I want to be there for her. I just wish Angelo understood that.

I've been with her this morning and now I'm about to start my shift at work. Angelo will be on shift too so it might be a long one. Hopefully we will make up again. I really don't have the energy to fight.

* * *

><p><strong>Monday 26<strong>**th**** October**

**21:44**

**Home**

I made up with Angelo. He apologised for being unreasonable and told me that I could spend as much time with Ruby as I like. He said he would fit in. I know it's hardly quality time but we generally do see each other every day – we work the same shift. And for now, that's better than nothing.

When I was out on patrol, I drove past Xavier, who looked pretty down. I took him to the hospital to see Ruby, although I gather now that it didn't go so well. They have officially broken up now and I guess it's a good thing if she doesn't love him. But he still loves her so it's going to be hard on him.

She hasn't told him about her diabetes. To be honest, she doesn't seem to want to talk about it with anyone, not even Geoff. But I guess she is still getting her head around it. It's all going to take time. I've just got to make sure I am there for her and that she knows she can trust and rely on me.

While Xavier was at the hospital, they ended up arguing. He admitted that he lied about losing his memory. I'd be smug about being right if Ruby wasn't so upset. She can't believe that he would lie about something like that but I get it. I would have done anything to keep Joey – at least until I realised that the kindest thing, the best thing for her, was to let her go. So I understand where Xavier is coming from. He loves her and he didn't want to lose her. But I guess it all backfired and he's lost her for good now. I feel sorry for him, although I wouldn't say as much to Rubes – at least not yet.

Since then, Geoff has visited her and then a Doctor showed up to go through everything Ruby needs to know for her treatment plan. I wish I had been able to be there though. I need to know about her treatment too. But she has promised to explain everything to both me and Geoff so I will hold her to that.

According to Geoff, there has been some kind of upset with John. He's lying apparently about his plans for the marina and both Geoff and Aden are concerned that they could be out of a job if he is elected. Here's hoping that Martha gets in. She won't screw anyone over, of that I am sure.

Oh, and I gather that Liam and Nicole are back together. Hopefully they can make it work this time. Nicole deserves some happiness after everything she has been through this year.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 27<strong>**th**** October**

**22:31**

**Home**

It's been another busy day with both Ruby and work. Angelo and I went out for a drink after work and he invited me back to his place but I'm just too tired. I went to visit Rubes and now I want to write in here and then go to bed. And if I could get away with it, I'd stay there all day tomorrow! But I've got another long day at work. I need a holiday!

I couldn't change my shift so Geoff ended up bringing Ruby home from the hospital but I made sure I kept in touch regularly. I think I irritated her with how often I checked she was okay, to be honest. But I don't care. I'd rather she be safe and moody than alone and in trouble. I gather that Geoff took the day off work to look after her, which was good of him. I just wish I had been able to do the same. I think Geoff's fretting over her is pissing her off too so at least I'm not alone in caring too much.

He put his foot in it with Colleen though. He went to the Diner to get some diabetic food for Rubes and told her what was going on. Then when Colleen ran into Xavier, she mentioned it to him, not realising that they had split up and he hadn't been told. He went to visit her, wanting to know why she didn't tell him about the diabetes and I think he was hoping that they would figure things out and get back together but Ruby said that everything they decided yesterday still stands. She was pretty upset about it. It's heartbreaking to lose your first love, whatever the circumstances. Maybe it's a good thing that she's learning this earlier than me though. I only lost my first love this year. I mean, I've been through the heartbreak of losing partners and people I care about but it was never real love until I met Joey.

But anyway, whether it was to heal his broken heart or whatever, Xavier and Romeo went to the old 'haunted house'. Apparently they took some girls there, although the girls ran off when they got too scared. Romeo and Xavier were about to leave when they genuinely heard a noise. They found a little Indonesian boy there called Bambang and brought him to Martha who brought him to us. Angelo recognised him as being with 'Clint Eastwood' when they caught him the other day and we can only presume he is his son.

It was pretty late by the time he arrived here so I agreed to let Martha take care of him and DOCS are coming in the morning to figure out what to do for the best. Martha and Bambang were pretty sweet with each other actually. It was nice to see. He is obviously very afraid but he seems to trust Martha implicitly already.

Angelo wants to use that. He thinks that we can use Bambang to trap Hugo and catch him out. I'm not so sure. I don't want Bambang or Martha to be manipulated in any way. But then, if Angelo is right about this human trafficking, perhaps it's right that we do whatever it takes to bring the organisation down and save the innocent people who are inevitably getting hurt and probably dying.

With that vaguely settled, Angelo and I knocked off at long last and went to the Surf Club for a drink, where word reached us that John won the election, although apparently it was very close. And apparently there was some kind of dispute between Martha and Gina because Gina agreed to have lunch with John. I wonder if there is some kind of romance brewing there? If there is, perhaps Gina will be able to turn John into a nice person!

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 28<strong>**th**** October**

**17:07**

**The Diner**

I just thought I would write a quick update. I've finished work and I'm waiting for Angelo to finish too. We're having an early dinner together and then going to the movies in a bid to spend some actual time together. Part of me wonders why we bother. I mean, we get along pretty well but... something's missing. Something will always be missing.

Ruby is now dating Geoff and seems deliriously happy. It all feels like a bit of a rush to me. She only broke up with Xavier on Monday. She came to the station to tell me about it and she explained that part of the reason she and Xavier broke up was because she was falling for Geoff. I tried to be positive about it and I hope I succeeded but my biggest concern is that they are boyfriend and girlfriend and living alone in that house together, with no parental supervision. I know Irene will be back soon but for the time being, they're teenagers in love. And Ruby's my daughter. I don't want my sixteen year old daughter living with her boyfriend. I know Geoff is a 'nice boy' by all accounts and I do think a lot of him, but I'm also aware that not so long ago, he thought he'd got a girl pregnant. And for someone who always claimed not to believe in sex before marriage, he's slept with two girls now. I do not want Ruby to be a third.

DOCS have permitted Martha to look after Bambang for a few days while they're sorting everything out. They both looked elated so it felt like a nice thing to do. But the horrible moment of the day came when Angelo realised that someone had messed with the crime scene, the house Romeo and Xavier found Bambang at. I don't know if he was horrified or relieved that it wasn't Hugo who messed with it, although I suspect horrified. He _wants _evidence that Hugo is dirty.

But as it turned out, Romeo had gone to the house in the morning to collect Bambang's stuff. He was trying to do something nice but Angelo totally laid into him by all accounts. He took everything as evidence, including poor Bambang's toy. I was mad at him about it first but it turned out he was onto something because he found a coded message inside the toy. He thinks one of the people who brought him and his father into the country gave it to him and told him to look after it. So we've handed it over to intelligence, hoping they can figure out what the numbers mean.

So it looks like tomorrow will be another hectic day. I just hope we get a break on this case soon. Angelo's here now so I'd better go.

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 31<strong>**st**** October**

**13:02**

**The Beach**

It's been a long few days. I haven't had much of a chance to write. Between work, Ruby and Angelo, I haven't had any time to myself. I escaped out here after lunch but I have promised to go to this horror movie night that Ruby's arranged for Halloween. Apparently it's going to be me, her, Geoff and Angelo. I'm touched to be invited. And I'm also quite touched that she wants to make an effort with Angelo. She's been really supportive and everything but I can never quite read how she feels about my choice of partner. She objected to Joey and I at first but then really came round to the idea. I know she wishes it would have worked out. But she didn't like me being with Roman and she's never been quite clear about Angelo. So I see this as a good first step to being normal.

Hugo wasn't very happy about Bambang staying, especially when I dropped Martha in it accidentally by revealing to him that she had applied to foster him in the longer term. Anyway, I don't know exactly what happened but yesterday, Martha showed up with Bambang and said that she was handing him back to DOCS. She looked devastated and poor Bambang was inconsolable but I guess she feels like she is doing the right thing. Hugo has pointed out that he ought to be with a family who understand his background and his culture. He has a point, I suppose, but surely, at least for now, he needs to be with someone he loves and trusts? Someone who loves him? Like Martha. It only adds fuel to Angelo's theory about Hugo being involved in all this mess. He doesn't want him around because he's the reason he's here.

In other news, Kirsty arrived home from the hospital on Thursday and then yesterday, Shelley Sutherland showed up. I've never met her before but she is Kirsty's Mum. I gather that there was some bad blood between them but there are times when you just need your Mum above all else.

It makes me miss my Mum more. And I think I am going to go and visit Dad on Sunday. It's already been too long since I last saw him. I'll speak to Ruby about it tonight. I'm sure she will want to come too. But anyway, it seems like this Shelley woman is helping Kirsty deal with what happened so that can only be a good thing, right? I do feel so very sorry for both Kirsty and Miles.

My night at the movies with Angelo was okay. And then on Thursday night, he stayed at mine. Then last night, I stayed at his. And we're going back to my place after the horror film fest tonight. It will be highest number of consecutive nights we've spent together. I guess we have to prepare for our holiday in January really, don't we? Maybe this means we're making progress. I know in my heart of hearts that I wish I was doing these things with Joey but I also know that it's not to be. And I'd rather do these things with Angelo than with nobody.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 1<strong>**st**** November 2009**

**20:46**

**Home**

I had a really good day today. Ruby and I drove into the city to visit Dad and Morag. It was lovely. I mean, it wasn't easy. Dad's memory struggled a lot, due to the stress he is under with the impending court case. They've set it for 2nd January and we're just desperately hoping he won't receive a custodial sentence. Morag said that we have a very strong case though so here's hoping.

Morag put a nice lunch on for us and we spent a lot of time relaxing in the sunshine and it was nice to be able to spend time together as a family. I think Angelo might have been hinting a little last night to come with us but I'm not ready for that yet. I like him and everything but he's not family. I don't know if he ever will be.

The drive there and back was really nice, actually. Ruby and I got a lot of time to talk and catch up. She spent a fair amount of time swooning over Geoff. Her only criticism is that he is very over protective about her diabetes. She finds it frustrating and says that it kills the romance. I told her that it was good that he was looking out for her, to which she just rolled her eyes! But that's my Ruby.

She said that on their first outing as a couple – to the Surf Club – they ran into Xavier playing pool with Romeo. And then apparently Xavier kissed some random girl from school. But he was looking right at Ruby so she thinks it was more for her benefit than anything else. I still feel sorry for him. I can't quite help it. But really, the only thing I care about is Rubes. If she's happy then I'm happy. And if she wants to be with Geoff and not Xavier then I support her.

We had a nice movie night yesterday as well. We went for the _Scream _trilogy and it was lots of fun. We had popcorn and diabetic friendly treats. It was nice to get to know Geoff a little better and nice to involve Angelo instead of always keeping them separate – not that I do that consciously. And during the second film, Ruby gave me a lovely cuddle. It was the simplest thing but it made me feel so special. I love being close to her again and I hope it continues. I also hope that she will one day decide to move back in with me, Leah and VJ but I don't want to push it just yet. We're only just back on track.

* * *

><p><em>Next time… the police makes some progress on the human trafficking case, Ruby feels stifled by Charlie and Geoff and everyone is shocked to learn that Hugo is married…<em>


	76. Chapter 76

**Chapter Seventy Six**

**Monday 2****nd**** November**

**22:34**

**Home**

I've had a busy few days at work and I've tried to spend as much time with Ruby as I can. I hope I am starting to get a bit more of an equilibrium between work, Ruby and Angelo, as well as making sure I spend time with my friends – namely Leah. It's very easy to forget your mates when you're dating someone but I don't ever want to be that person.

One of the friends that I also want to spend some more time with is Miles. Kirsty left him last night. Apparently she cooked everyone a lovely meal and then when they were all out, got her Mum to pick her and Ollie up and take them away from the Bay forever. I feel so sorry for Miles. He's now lost his baby, his step-son and his girlfriend. As if he hasn't been through enough already.

I think things are going well between Liam and Nicole again. Apparently he went out for something music related yesterday. It looks like he is trying to get back into the industry again. I hope he is able to do it with a clear head this time and not get into the mess he was in before. I have a sneaking suspicion that something went down at his place on Sunday night, although I can't quite figure out what. I just know that Romeo was taken to the hospital and had his drink spiked. And I only found that out by chance. I talked to him very briefly about it but he said it was just an accident and didn't want to pursue it. He looked very washed out though and I gather that he lost his job with John because of not showing up to work. You'd think our delightful councillor could cut the guy some slack for being hospitalised!

And Leah reported back tonight that John and Gina had a 'business' lunch together about her funding request and that he asked her out to dinner. But then she went and had dinner with Tony and Rachel and I gather she was full of complaints about John so I guess he messed everything up sooner rather than later. Maybe she heard about the Romeo thing. Can you tell I'm not a fan of that man?

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 3<strong>**rd**** November**

**20:11**

**Home**

I took Ruby for dinner and we had a good time, although I gather that both Geoff and I are stifling her a little when it comes to her diabetes. We're just worried about her. This whole thing is a big adjustment. Apparently they squabbled about it last night but made up and spent the night in each other's arms. I had to force myself not to react to that with the abject horror I feel. I don't want her living like that with him – or with anyone. She's sixteen. It's too adult. I'm relieved that they're not having sex but I fear it's only a matter of time.

She told me tonight that she had a chat with Rachel about how she was feeling. I tried to listen and not feel sad that she turned to her and not me. But apparently while Rachel was advising her to let Geoff in, Tony was advising Geoff to back off. After a little miscommunication, they talked it through and reached a compromise so hopefully things will be better from here. I know she is really keen on him. And by the time I saw her, she was back on cloud nine. I'm still a little fretful about everything Ruby related but I am trying my best.

As far as work is concerned, things are coming along at last. We fount a fingerprint on the piece of paper Angelo confiscated from Bambang's toy, although we haven't found out who it belongs to yet. And we haven't de-coded the message either but hopefully that will just be a matter of time.

We pulled up the sunken boat today and in it, we found loads of fake passports, which only adds to Angelo's theory that these poor people that died in there were asylum seekers. There was also a serial number on part of the engine, which we managed to connect to a company called Best Fruit Imports. That's the same company Watson found an invoice for in Hugo's boatshed after the break in. Again, that only strengthens the idea that Hugo is connected somehow to the human trafficking. But Hugo said at the time that he had never seen the log book before so it might be difficult to trap him this way. Angelo was about to head on over to interview him when I finished my shift so I guess I'll find out any developments tomorrow.

And in some good news (and not because of the case, although that's what Angelo thinks), Martha has decided to foster Bambang again. His current foster home has fallen through so DOCS asked her if she would reconsider. I doubt Hugo is best pleased about it but she has agreed. I think it will be good for her and good for Bambang. They really bonded when he was with her last time. Angelo is over the moon, of course because he wants to use the poor kid to trap Hugo. I'm still not so sure about that. I'm worried about him, or Martha getting hurt.

Oh, and I was patrolling near the seafront today and I saw John and Gina about to go surfing. I assume they have made up then. They looked like they were having a nice time. Gina is very pretty when she smiles. I hope that what she appears to see in John is really there and that maybe she can help him be a better person.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 4<strong>**th**** November**

**13:09**

**The Beach**

I had an early shift this morning and I am heading into the city this afternoon to see Dad. Morag said that he has been really down recently so I thought I would go and try to cheer him up. I thought we could go out for dinner or something, treat him a little. The case is going to court soon. I'm terrified.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 4<strong>**th**** November**

**23:40**

**Home**

I had a nice time with Dad and Morag and he seemed to be in better spirits when I left than he did when I arrived, which I will take to be a good thing. And Morag even seemed to appreciate the visit too, which was nice. It was a shame I couldn't take Ruby but she's already missed a lot of school this year so it didn't seem right to let her skip lessons. We are hoping to get up there again on a weekend soon though.

In other news, the Hugo plot thickens. When Angelo went round last night to pull him in for questioning, he found him having somewhat of a showdown with Martha and a woman called Suzy – his WIFE! Apparently, they lived in Indonesia together and they're business partners. He's be married to her all this time, regardless of his relationship with poor Martha.

Anyway, Hugo came to the police station with Angelo but, as he suspected, denied any knowledge of Best Fruit Imports. He maintains that the log book must have belonged to the man who broke into his boatshed.

Now Angelo and his right hand man, Marine Officer Bryant, are looking into this Suzy woman, convinced that she is also part of the human trafficking organisation. Angelo believes that she and Hugo are starting to feel the pressure and she has come to sort some things out from this end. But the thing is, Hugo is more than a little displeased to see her so I am starting to think things might be a little more complicated than that. And regardless of what criminal activity Hugo may well be caught up in, I do believe that he is in love with Martha. Maybe he's trying to turn his back on things that have gone before? Or maybe I just try to think too well of people who don't deserve it. Maybe I am so full of self loathing for myself, that I think everyone else must be a damn sight better than me. But it's far too late in the day to analyse that. I'm exhausted!

Anyway, this morning, Angelo and Bryant interviewed Geoff and Nicole again and had a picture drawn up of the man who terrorised them on the beach at the beginning of the year. Was it really only this year that Geoff was dating Nicole? And Ruby was dating Xavier? And look at me. I was with Angelo until I realised he'd killed Jack. Then I kissed Miles. Then I fell in love with my darling Joey but in a moment of madness cheated on her with Hugo. And now she's gone, my heart is still broken and I'm dating Angelo for what is technically the fourth time, with a one night stand thrown in there too for good measure. Yep, I'm doing good, hey!?

But anyway, we drew up a likeness of the guy from the island and then Angelo pissed Hugo off by calling Xavier in for questioning, wanting to see if he recognised him as the man who assaulted him and Hugo down at the boatshed. Xavier's memory is still sketchy and he couldn't identify him but suddenly, Hugo said that it was the same man. Angelo was quick to point out that the man doesn't look anything like the person Hugo described at the time and thinks that he is now diverting attention because he realises he's a suspect. And I have to admit that it sounds likely.

I feel even sicker about sleeping with him back in April. Do you realise that I have now slept with three men who have killed people – Roman, Angelo and Hugo? And the one time I was with someone truly beautiful, I lost her. She was just too good for me. That much is obvious. She was the light of my life. She was so pure and good and gentle. She was amazing. But apparently I don't mix with that sort. Apparently I like being with men who hurt other people, intentionally or otherwise. Yep, I definitely feel quite sick with myself.

Anyway, I digress. Angelo told Hugo that the man who terrorised Nicole and Geoff, is the man who attacked him and Xavier and is likely to be linked to the asylum seekers. He also made it clear that when we catch up with him, we will ensure that we trace back to the people in charge. Presumably, if Hugo is involved, then he knows Angelo was making a threat. I just hope that we can solve this case soon, although I am aware that when it is solved, there is a chance that Angelo will be transferred. I'm not sure how I feel about that.

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 5<strong>**th**** November**

**13:22**

**The Beach**

I'm on my lunch break. I was meant to be eating with Angelo but he got caught up with work. I don't mind. We're meant to be going out tonight and I am staying at his place so I could do with the space. I like him and everything but sometimes I struggle with seeing him almost every day at work, spending my lunch break with him, seeing him in the evenings and spending the night with him. The only person I could ever have imagined spending that much time with would have been Joey. And well, she got as far away from me as she could in the end so I guess that's not going to happen.

Anyway, while we were working today, he brought up that it's our three month anniversary on Saturday. To be honest, I'd forgotten. And it feels a little weird to celebrate three months. I thought you were meant to go for one month and then six and then a year? Not that I expect we'll get past six. I _never _get past six. And to be honest, I don't intend to start now.

But anyway, he said that because we've not done so well with anniversaries so far, he wants us to do something nice. We're both working during the day but he thought we could go to the city or something for a couple of days. He also said he wants to stop by and visit Dad and Morag. I think he feels shut out when I visit them on my own or with Ruby. I think he wants to get more involved and be a family. That scares the shit out of me. But when Angelo makes a decision, it's pretty hard to talk him out of it so I guess I'll have to obey.

Anyway, I'd better be getting back to work. I'm due back on shift in ten minutes.

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Charlie moves in with Ruby and Geoff after Ruby has a hypo at school, the police connect Derrick to the people smuggling case and Donna is cleared of her murder charge…<em>


	77. Chapter 77

**Chapter Seventy Seven**

**Tuesday 10****th**** November**

**21:39**

**Irene's House**

What a crazy few days. I am now temporarily living at Irene's house so that I can keep a closer eye on Ruby. She got hospitalised yesterday and didn't even see fit to tell me about it! I had to hear it from bloody Colleen Smart! Rubes doesn't want me here but I am not budging on this one. I don't care what she and Geoff think, he is not equipped to look after her. They're both kids, for starters. And they've only been seeing each for a few weeks. They might think they're soul mates or whatever but he doesn't know her like I know her. He doesn't love her like I love her. I gave birth to her. And yes, I might have let her down a lot over the years, I might not have been the mother that I should have been but I have loved her as my daughter for her whole life. She might not have that much regard for me but nobody can take care of her the way I can – the way I _will_.

I guess I'd better go back to the beginning really. I worked all day on Friday, mostly on the human trafficking case with Angelo. Given the drastic turn around on Hugo's part about the man who attacked him, Angelo thinks that he is trying to divert attention away from himself. And I have to say that it looks likely.

We then got a bit of a shock to learn that Bambang had been reunited with Martha. We knew it was going to happen but social services were meant to tell us first so that we could keep an eye on them and keep them safe. Anyway, I presume Martha and Hugo made up after the Suzy incident because they took Bambang down to the wharf to teach him how to fish and when we got down there, they looked like a big, happy family. I was still stressing out over the idea of Angelo using Bambang as bait and I was proved right by the end of the day because this Derrick Quaid guy, the one who attacked Hugo and Xavier and threatened Nicole and Geoff on the island, tried to snatch Bambang. We'd gone round to speak to Hugo when we got the call about a suspicious man down at the wharf and got there just in time to rescue the poor kid.

We interviewed Derrick but he had no interest in talking to us, even when Angelo offered him a deal in exchange for names. We called Nicole down to the station and she gave us a positive ID. We let him stew in the cells overnight and then started up again with him on Saturday morning.

Derrick's fingerprints were found on the log book and the message in Bambang's toy and it's enough to hold him with. Angelo's new theory is that Hugo set him up – either that or he really did mean for him to snatch Bambang. I guess he could be the key to unravelling his involvement in bringing the asylum seekers into the country and he did originally object to Martha fostering him. But whatever the case, Angelo thinks that it's all a little bit too convenient. You know, I've just realised how often I use the phrase 'Angelo thinks'. I'm starting to worry that I've lost myself and what _I _think somewhere along the way. I will have to keep that in check.

Anyway, being that it was our three month anniversary and having Derrick safely tucked away in a cell, Angelo and I headed into the city until today. It was really nice actually, and it makes me feel a little calmer about our fortnight away together next year. We coped pretty well with spending that amount of time together, although it was a relief to get home – not that I'm in my own space at all now that I'm staying at Irene's. But I do like returning to home soil.

We went out to dinner and checked into a hotel. It was a nice evening. He was a little too highly sexed for my liking but I coped. It's weird really because last year, when we were dating, the sex was a big redeeming feature. It was really quite enjoyable but now, it's just not the same. Joey ruined me for anyone else. Making love with her was like nothing I have ever experienced before and, unfortunately, nothing I'm likely to ever experience again. I mean, Angelo is okay and everything but he's nothing compared to Joey. She was so beautiful, so tender and so loving. I honestly felt so loved just when she looked at me. Whenever she touched me, I thought I was going to explode. I've never had orgasms like the ones I experienced with her and even though it was a painfully long time ago now, when I close my eyes, I can still picture and feel everything so perfectly.

And I guess that's my biggest problem. I just celebrated three months with Angelo. I went away with him. I call him my boyfriend. We have toothbrushes at each other's houses. He gave me a drawer in his room. And yesterday, we spent the day with my Dad and step-mother. And still, I can barely write an entry without mentioning and missing Joey – and comparing the two of them, with Angelo losing every time. That's not right, is it? I really have to try harder. I wonder if I will ever truly get Joey out of my mind. I wonder if I even want to.

Anyway, we arrived back this morning. Angelo went straight to work but I had the day off. I headed out to the Diner and that's when Colleen told me about Miles having to drive Ruby to the hospital the day before because she had a hypo at school. I freaked, of course. I rushed out and bought a tonne of groceries so that I could at least ensure there was the right kind of food in the house to make it easier for her to look after herself.

We argued, of course. She told me that she didn't want to bother me when she knew I was in the city visiting Dad. I criticised Geoff, which she of course took offence to and then we just about managed to make peace. It lasted all of five minutes because then I realised that she and Geoff have been sharing a room.

I made breakfast for the three of us but Geoff hurried out to job hunt all day. I told him in no uncertain terms that when he got back, I wanted to talk to him about doing right by Ruby. He left a little nervously and Ruby got pissed off again. But she's my daughter! It's my duty to look after her!

Anyway, after breakfast, we went to the Diner to get a coffee and Ruby complained about people treating her like an invalid. Apparently she has only just stopped Geoff from doing it so she doesn't me starting. She also laid my mind to rest and said she and Geoff aren't having sex, they just share a bed. I told her that I trusted her and wouldn't freak quite so much about her sleeping with Geoff as I did about her and Xavier. I think we can all agree that I was panicking for myself as much as for her before. That seems like a different life now, to be honest, after everything we have all been through since.

Anyway, I sort of agreed to not interfere too much but then I caught up with Rachel and she admitted that she was worried too about Ruby not looking after herself properly. She did say that she thought yesterday was a wake up call but it was enough to make me feel on edge.

I went over to the house and found Ruby and Geoff cuddling. I told Geoff (probably a little rudely) that I didn't think he was qualified to look after Rubes and insisted that she moved back home with me. She refused. So I called Irene and got permission to move in here until she gets back. I haven't been happy with Ruby living without adult supervision from the start but I'm determined to do something about it now.

She hates me for it and when I referred to myself as her mother, she shouted up the stairs that she liked me better when I was her sister. It hurt. I won't pretend that it didn't but I know I just have to shake it off and move on. I will do my best not to be controlling and annoying and all those things she hates about me. But I do have to take care of her. The idea of her having hypos and stuff terrifies me. If something really bad were to happen, I think I'd die. She may not like it but I love her. I'm her mother. I'd live and I'd die for her. That's just the way it is.

There is more news to share but I am pretty shattered and my hand aches from writing so much so I will close now and catch you up with the rest tomorrow.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 11<strong>**th**** November**

**23:00**

**Irene's House**

I had another pretty busy day at work. Watson had to go to the hospital first thing because Tony and Rachel had found Miles beaten unconscious on the beach. She came to me about it mid-morning because she was at a loss as to which direction we can go in. Miles doesn't remember anything but he thinks the perpetrator could be a guy called Ian Radcliffe. His son, Riley, has been bullying poor VJ. Watson went to interview Ian but he had an airtight alibi so I guess we're kind of back to square one at the moment but we'll definitely keep it open. Poor Miles doesn't deserve what happened to him and I'll fight for justice as hard as I can.

The back-story is one of things I haven't had the energy to write about over the last few days. VJ's been behaving very out of character. He's been lying about feeling sick so that he can skip school. Then he threw a water bomb at Miles's car when he was driving Rubes home from the hospital on Monday. And then he unlocked the Diner computers so that some kids could look at some adult sites. Leah was furious of course, but then Romeo figured out that he's being picked on and these kids, led by Riley, have been forcing him to do these things. Miles and Leah went round to talk to Ian and Riley but they didn't get anywhere.

It was the last day of school for the kids doing their HSC today so when I drove past, there was a big party on the beach. I saw Nicole mucking around with Aden and having fun. They're so strange, those two. One minute they're fighting and the next they're the best of friends. I hope they stay friends this time and stop arguing. She's been so good to him since he lost Belle. It's nice that he has someone who'll take care of him.

I gather that she has moved Liam into the house so he and Aden are now sharing. There was some problem with the electrics at his place or something. I bet that's a happy house right now! Not! Poor Aden. He and Liam will never be friends. Apparently, on Monday, Aden temporarily moved out but then the council cancelled the trawler berth (hence Geoff's current job hunt) so he had to eat humble pie and ask to move back in.

Ruby and Geoff got home about half an hour ago. I'd just got in myself as Angelo and I went out to dinner in town. He wanted me to stay over but the whole point of me staying at Irene's for the week is that I actually stay there. I need to look after Rubes as best I can. Angelo then wanted to stay too but somehow I don't think Irene would have been too impressed at us both sleeping in her bed. And it's not like Angelo has any capacity to keep things platonic, even when I'm clearly not in the mood. But I guess that's what partners are supposed to do. And let's face it, I'm a pretty big letdown in other areas so I guess sleeping with him when he wants to (but not in Irene's bed!) is the least I can do. I just wish I could enjoy it more. I wish what we had was real.

But anyway, when they got back and went to their SEPARATE bedrooms, Ruby came to say goodnight. She actually said, and I quote, "Having you around isn't as bad as I thought it was going to be." Is it completely pathetic how thrilled I am about that?

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 12<strong>**th**** November**

**21:19**

**Home**

I had to charge Miles with assault. Miles! Of all people, Miles – the gentlest man I think I have ever met. I mean, I know there was that incident last year with Trey but that was an accident and he was just trying to protect Kirsty. This time round, I don't even understand what happened except that Ian Radcliffe came by this morning and made a complaint, claiming that Miles assaulted his son last night. And he is injured. But I fail to believe that Miles was responsible. I just haven't (yet) managed to find any evidence to prove that, or more specifically, tell me who really was responsible.

Anyway, I had to pull Miles in to discuss it with him. He denies hurting Riley and I believe him but he did admit to grabbing him. He said he was trying to get him to tell the truth. Apparently VJ told him that Riley had threatened to 'get' them both. And when he went to the house to ask him about it, he recognised his shoes – one of the only things that Miles saw and can remember from the assault.

Angelo and I went to the Diner on our break to grab a coffee and Colleen overheard us talking about Miles. She didn't mean to, and I wish she hadn't, but she said that last night, Miles had told her and Leah that he'd had to leave the Radcliffe residence before he did something he regretted. As a friend, I wanted to ignore it. As a police officer, I knew I couldn't. So I had to interview Colleen formally, although opted not to take her down to the station. She described what he said and he couldn't deny it. So the only picture they managed to paint was that Miles was there, angry and grabbed the kid in frustration.

I went round to the house and tried to talk to Riley, which is technically against the rules. I can't talk formally to a kid without a responsible adult there. But Ian showed up and chased me off, dragging Riley inside. I just know that something different went down. At this point, judging by his behaviour, I'm wondering if Ian was the one who hurt his own son. But I have no evidence to base it on so at least for the moment, my hands are tied.

I called Miles and met up with him at the Diner where I had the unfortunate job of having to escort him to the police station to formally charge him with assaulting a minor. I felt sick about it and I hope he knew that. I'm leaving the case open and I'll continue working on it. There's got to be some kind of way to drop the charges, right? I know full well what it's like to be accused of something you didn't do. He'll probably be suspended from work. His whole life could fall apart because of this – not that it was in great shape to begin with, poor guy. He's already lost his baby, his girlfriend and his step-son. Leah's been really struggling to keep him going and put a smile on his face. This is the last thing anyone would need but especially him. I feel guilty for being the officer in charge but at least this way, I can work hard to prove his innocence. I just hope he sees it that way.

I'm back at home now because Irene is due back today. It's nice to be back in my own space but even with the very different dynamics of our relationship, I loved spending time with Ruby. I liked having the chance to look after her and this last week has only rammed home the truth of how much I miss her. But she doesn't look like she'll be moving back in any time soon, especially when she has her beloved boyfriend under the same roof.

I was just leaving work when the news broke that Donna DeBono has been let off the murder charge and also been released from remand. The lawyers are claiming insufficient evidence and some kind of technicality and apparently that's proof that the very jealous woman, who was spying on her husband and his new girlfriend, didn't kill him. Personally, I don't buy it. But there's nothing I can do. We'll be reopening the case tomorrow so I guess we need to go right back to square one and try to unravel everything from there.

Angelo decided to go round in person to tell Irene what had happened and he's coming round here afterwards to spend the night. I was pretty reluctant, to be honest. Tomorrow would have been my seven month anniversary with Joey. I think I'm probably going to feel sad on the thirteenth of every month from here on out. I wonder if I will ever stop counting, stop making a note of how much I am missing out on. I just miss her so much. And I know I'm going to miss her forever. A big part of me still hopes that one day, she'll decide she wants to give it another shot and sail back into my life. And honestly, if she did that, there is nothing I wouldn't do to make it work. I'd make myself perfect for her. I'd do everything I could to make her happy. I'd love her exactly as she deserves to be loved, not the shitty, scared imitation I offered her. I just wish I had the chance to start over.

Shit, Angelo's here already. I've got to go.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 15<strong>**th**** November**

**22:04**

**Home**

It's been a pretty busy weekend. Friday was pretty hard, although I made sure I kept busy. I got up early and went down to the docks. I gazed out at the sea for a little while, thinking about my lost love and maybe hoping that she'd come sailing back from the distant horizon. I waited for a while but, as I'm sure is no surprise, she didn't show. I wonder where she is now. I wonder if she's with anyone. I hope that if she is, she's with a girl who deserves her this time. I hope she doesn't get hurt again. Although, if she did, maybe it would prompt her to come back to me...

Angelo and I spent most of the day working on the Lou DeBono case. At the start of the day, I still believed that she was guilty as sin but I'm not so sure now. We never found a match for the blood Angelo found on the boat. It didn't belong to Donna, which suggests that there was another person on there that night, and it wasn't her.

Angelo became convinced that Lou's death has something to do with Hugo, Derrick and the people smuggling. I'm not entirely sold on the idea. I know Angelo. And I know he's not immune to getting so wrapped up in one thing that he can't see beyond it. He does, however, have a point. Hugo returned with his 'shark bite' on the same weekend that Lou was killed. And I didn't know this until Friday but the Doctor said that she couldn't confirm that that's how he received his injury. She said he couldn't rule it out but she couldn't confirm it either.

But anyway, Irene came to the station and told us that Donna had been to visit. She also said that she thinks she might be innocent. She's a real mess apparently and does seem genuine. Well, if Irene can find compassion for her after everything she did, then I was willing to have more of an open mind about the whole thing.

Angelo and I stayed at work for most of the night. We grabbed some Chinese food and ate while we worked. It felt a bit wrong to be spending time with him on a 'Joey Day' but at least it was in the context of work. We debated the Bambang issue again and he reassured me that he has police surveillance at the farm to make sure that he is safe.

Spurred on by our successful weekend away last week, Angelo asked me on Thursday to go away with him again. I agreed readily enough. We said goodbye on Friday night and then he picked me up on Saturday to go back to the city for a couple of days.

I called Ruby before I left and ensured that she was okay and everything. She told me that Donna ended up sleeping on the couch last night. Irene is treating her compassionately, even though Donna got drunk. That must be a pretty hard situation for poor Irene. She's a good woman. I don't know if, innocent or guilty, I could be nice to a woman who had caused so much pain. Even if Donna didn't kill Lou, she was still instrumental in getting poor Irene charged. And I'm certain that she helped somehow in getting her hooked on booze again, although obviously I can't prove that.

Anyway, Rubes wished me a nice time and said that she glad that I was really making an effort with Angelo. She also told me that she and Geoff told each other that they loved each other. I think it's nice, although I am a little nervous about what this declaration could lead to. But anyway, I maintain my support. If she's happy, then so am I.

We did have a nice time, I must admit. It was good to get away from work, although I had to ban Angelo from talking about the case by Saturday night because he was doing my head in. We do have a good time together. I think I am slowly getting used to being in a relationship with him, although if I am honest, I don't think it will last. But then, I never think relationships will. I believed in my relationship with Joey and I still fucked it up so maybe this attitude is a better one. I don't know. I am happy just to live in the moment and enjoy what we have. It's not a beautiful love story but it's nice enough. And that feels okay for me.

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Charlie supports Angelo through his guilt over Jack's death, Ruby and Geoff make plans to sleep together and VJ unearths the truth about Riley's injuries…<em>


	78. Chapter 78

**Chapter Seventy Eight**

**Monday 16****th**** November**

**23:30**

**Home**

It's been yet another long day and it feels like we're wading through mud at work. We haven't made any progress with finding Lou's killer and there is so far no new evidence about the human trafficking, which Angelo now very firmly believes is one and the same case.

Hugo busted the police surveillance on Friday and Martha showed up at the station first thing on Saturday morning, demanding to know what's going on. The official party line is that we're keeping an eye on Bambang because we believe his father is on the run. It's kind of true. I mean, well, it is true. He is on the run. And he is a person of interest. It's just that Martha's boyfriend is also in the frame for murdering lots of people and bringing them illegally into the country, treating them like shit, etc. That's not much to leave out, is it!?

I gather that tonight has been pretty eventful over at the Holden-Austin household. Gina invited John round to dinner with Xavier and apparently she declared that they were going to sleep together tonight! Surely that's a little bit too much information!? And Xavier ended up in trouble when these two girls he's been playing off against each other, both realised what was going on and started fighting over him. I'd suggest he's moved on from Ruby but I really don't think that's the case. I think he's just trying to. I do hope he succeeds. I think he's spending the night at Tony and Rachel's tonight because he had a big fight with Gina.

Leah was the one who told me about it. Xavier showed up at the Diner when she and Miles were closing up and spilled the news. We spent a bit of time chatting about it tonight. She's been pretty stressed lately with everything that's going on with poor Miles. But also, VJ is still an outcast at school. She doesn't think the staff are supporting him properly and she's considering taking him out. I think it might be a good idea. Life is too short to be miserable. Ha! That's got to be a statement of irony if ever there was one!

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 17<strong>**th**** November**

**18:04**

**Home**

I'm both longing for Christmas and dreading it. I'm longing for it because it means getting some time off work and relaxing for a bit. Everything feels so heavy and so difficult at the moment. My head is full of human trafficking, murder and poor Miles being accused of assault. Plus of course, my father is a murderer and suffering with Alzheimer's. All of it feels entirely out of control.

The only thing that makes me happy right now is that Ruby seems to be doing well for herself. She's managing her diabetes well and she and Geoff make a good couple. But everything else in my life feels kind of difficult. And that's one of the reasons why I'm not looking forward to Christmas, except for the time off. I know it sounds stupid and in a lot of ways, it's really wrong because I have a boyfriend who loves me now, but for a large portion of this year, I had imagined spending the holidays with Joey. I guess it's just moments like this when I realise that I am never going to see her beautiful face again, aside from the few photographs I have, hidden away in this tragic box of stuff I hide under my bed and try not to look at too regularly. When will I stop missing her? When will I be able to move on?

Anyway, I should probably stop lamenting. Leah has decided to move VJ to a different school. I think it's a good move. She told me today that Jerry from the newspaper is going to write some kind of sensationalist crap about Miles. He's gone to everyone _but _Miles for comment and the chances of the article doing the poor guy any good is minimal. But unfortunately, there's nothing anyone can do about it. I called Morag to double check Miles's rights but she confirmed what I thought, and said that Miles had called her too in desperation.

I'm off to have an evening gym session with Angelo and then we're going out for dinner. Seriously, when am I going to stop missing Joey so much?

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 18<strong>**th**** November**

**13:59**

**The Beach**

I have been working all morning and started early. We're not making much headway with the people smuggling case, Miles's case or Lou DeBono's murder case at the moment and the newly arrived schoolies are causing trouble like they always do. It's kind of weird to think that this time last year, we were dealing with Xavier. He was a kid out to cause trouble. He was dealing drugs and hanging out with kids who were no good for him. Jack was around to look out for him and watch his back. But he's so different now. I think his relationship with Ruby changed him. He was acting out because of the pressure at home but since he, Hugo and then Gina moved here, he's shown himself to be a good kid. It gives me hope that the little shits spraying graffiti around everywhere will turn into halfway decent people at some stage!

I'm going for dinner with Rubes tonight and I'm really looking forward to it. I'm determined to keep making time for her and I hope she will continue to make time for me. I lost so much this year. I never ever want to lose her.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 18<strong>**th**** November**

**22:02**

**Home**

Ruby and I had a good evening together. We went to dinner and put the world to rights in our usual Buckton way. It was fun. She told me all about Geoff and how happy she is with him. She also admitted that they had decided they were ready to sleep together and were just waiting for the right time. I hope my calm, supportive reaction wasn't see-through because inside I was screaming just a little. But I know I have to accept that my baby girl is growing up. She's making her own decisions and she's experiencing life. I just hope she does it better than me. I hope that when she finds love, perhaps like she has with Geoff, she won't run and hide from it, but will treasure it and always hold it dear. I hope she will nurture it and give it the attention and respect it deserves. I hope she learns from all my mistakes

While we were eating, she asks me lots about what was going on for me. She was encouraging of my relationship with Angelo and says that it's very obvious that he is in love with me. I guess I'm lucky to have someone be in love with me. I just wished I loved him too. I mean, I do love him in my own way. But not the same way, not the way I'm supposed to. I'm certainly not _in _love with him. She asked me about it and I told her the truth. She suggested that I try harder to make things work in my head, not just go through the motions. She didn't think that was very fair on Angelo and I know she's right.

Then she asked if I still thought about Joey and I admitted that that was the reason I couldn't love Angelo the way I'm meant to. I'm still in love with Joey and I know I always will be. She expressed regret that it didn't work out between us but told me in no uncertain terms that I either had to move on or I had to find her. I told her that if I didn't think it was the most selfish thing in the world to do, then I would leave right now, find her and beg for her to take me back. But I can't. Because it _is _selfish. Joey gave me everything she had and I trampled all over her heart. I don't deserve to have her love. After everything she had already been through, I hurt her too much. If I was to storm back into her life again, it would only hurt her more. If anyone in this world deserves joy, it's Joey. I want her to have that. I don't want to be a shadow hanging over her. I want her to live a life of happiness. The kindest, most loving thing I can do is let her be. If we ever get back together, I know it has to be on her terms. I know she has to make the first move. I owe her that. I owe her more than that. And I do love her. I love her enough to let her go – even if it's killing me.

Anyway, it was nice to talk with Ruby about it, even if she did give me a bit of a talking to. I like that we can share this kind of stuff again. I feel like we're getting back to normal and that really does make me happy.

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 19<strong>**th**** November**

**19:34**

**Home**

I think we might be making a little bit of progress with Miles's case. I've promised that I am going to do whatever it takes to get him off the charges and to keep Riley safe and I meant it. I know he didn't hurt that kid. I just have to find a way to prove it. And in some extra good news, it looks like the paper decided not to run the story on him after all.

I was out for a run before work this morning when I spotted Ian on the beach. He skipped an appointment yesterday, but apparently I was too wrapped up in feeling maudlin about Joey to write about that. Anyway, I told him I'd rearrange the meeting with the social worker but warned him not to mess us around again.

When I stopped by the Diner for my usual caffeine fix, Leah and Colleen were quick to nag me about it. They, along with Alf, are very concerned about the state Miles is in. I tried to make them understand that I'm concerned too and I am doing my best but I don't think they're too impressed with me right now.

A little bit later, I heard Alf and John discussing the situation and they told me in no uncertain terms that Ian is lying. John said that he heard Ian in his local pub, bragging about his intention to get every cent out of Miles that he can get away with. Well, that certainly seems logical, judging by his behaviour and it's certainly something that I am looking into.

I tried to reassure Miles that I am not giving up on him but it didn't seem to have much of an affect on him. He did come back to me later though and told me that he thinks Ian is the one who hurt Riley. Apparently Ian tried to blackmail him – if Miles handed over ten grand then he would drop the case. And I gather that Miles was tempted but fortunately, didn't go through with it. To have given in to monetary demands would only have made him look guilty and therefore made the whole thing worse. Ian could have used it against him forever. I have to admit that I told him off a little about keeping things from me when I was trying to help him but I do understand. I called DOCS and shared my concerns with them. They're going to get back to me in the morning.

So, yeah, that was my day in a nutshell. I didn't have much time to devote to anything else but I am relieved to be starting to get somewhere, to be able to help Miles. I'm going round to Angelo's in a bit and I've agreed to stay the night. He has been working on Lou's murder case all day so we haven't seen a lot of each other. To be completely honest, I would have quite enjoyed a night to myself but I can't stand the way he complains and strops when I don't do what he wants me to. It's better just to give in.

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 20<strong>**th**** November**

**17:32**

**Home**

Tonight I am cooking dinner for Leah, VJ, Ruby, Geoff and Angelo. I'm not such a hot cook but I will do my best. I am looking forward to a nice evening after a successful day. I did invite Miles but he said he wanted to spend the evening at home. I can't blame him, although I hope he's feeling happier now.

The day started badly when Jerry's article finally appeared in the paper. Apparently he phoned Miles for a quote last night but he decided against giving one. I think it was a good decision. Jerry already had a bias when it came to this case (although I guess you could say I did too) and he would have twisted anything Miles said.

VJ has been really strung out about the whole thing but it was him who ended up saving the day. Apparently there was some kind of altercation between him and Riley on the beach this morning, which resulted in VJ dumping Riley's bag in the sea. Later, he saw Ian laying into Riley because his mobile phone had been in the bag and got ruined. Like a very good, caring boy, VJ went running to Leah and told her everything so they went round to tell Miles who contacted me.

I took Miles with me to go and see Ian but he wasn't home. Riley, sporting a hefty bruise on his face, reluctantly let us in. Technically it was against the rules but I had a colleague to back me up and we talked to him. He admitted that it was Ian who hurt him, and not Miles. We took him to the hospital to get checked out, dragged Ian to the police station, contacted social services and dropped the charges against Miles. Hopefully now that poor Riley kid will be looked after properly. I know he did wrong by attacking Miles but I guess he was learning by horrible example. I feel so sorry for him.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 22<strong>**nd**** November**

**21:49**

**Home**

I've had a nice weekend off work. It's been good to take the break after all the stress of recent weeks. I ended up spending the last two days with Angelo and I'm getting used to sharing my time with him. I don't know if it's because I know he'll probably be sent away when the case is done so I'm not having to make a huge commitment, but I'm starting to relax a little around him now.

We had a nice family dinner on Friday night, as planned. And the food wasn't a disaster either, which was a lovely surprise, considering I'm the one who cooked it. Everyone seemed to appreciate the effort I'd gone to. We all chatted and I felt like we got along well. Leah seems to be doing well and she has decided that VJ can stay in school now that everything has been sorted out with Riley. He also seemed to be on good form, having been feeling very guilty lately about everything that happened with Miles.

Ruby was excited about the school holidays and Christmas, which prompted both Geoff and Angelo to ask what we were doing on Christmas Day. We haven't got specific plans as such but we'll probably be spending the day in the city with Dad and Morag. I know I said I'm relaxing around him more now but I hope that Angelo doesn't start fishing for an invite. I really like him and I think we have a lot of fun together but I am so not ready to spend the holidays with him. No way. It's too soon. Especially considering that seven months ago, I was expecting to be sharing that kind of family day with Joey.

Anyway, Angelo ended up spending the whole weekend with me. It was nice actually. We went for a run on Saturday morning and had a nice lunch together. Then on Saturday night, we hung out and watched DVDs with Ruby and Geoff. We lounged around most of today and he left about half an hour ago to start a night shift at work. Rather him than me! I'm looking forward to a nice, long sleep.

It was the school formal last night and fortunately, it went a hell of a lot more successfully than last year. There were no car crashes, no lock-ins and nobody nearly died. And no other poor soul got shot and left to die alone on a development site. Martha and Hugo have been hiding out at the farm a lot lately. I know that because of the round the clock police watch. But I guess last night must have been hard for both of them. Jack's anniversary isn't quite yet but he did die on the day of the school formal last year, which has been significant with Angelo so I'm sure it would have been for them too.

That was part of the reason that I invited Angelo to stay. He didn't say anything at first but he looked haunted all day and I felt so sorry for him. He actually cried on Saturday night and admitted that he still saw Jack in his dreams sometimes. He said that he'd never forgive himself for what happened but hoped that if he could do his job properly and save lives on this case then perhaps it was a step towards redemption.

I heard that Aden ended up going to the formal with some girl in a bid to get a job with her father at the Sands Resort. And Liam refused to go with Nicole, although I think he showed up in the end, so she took Miles as her guest instead. Leah thinks it did him the world of good, especially as there was some kind of incident the day before which prompted Gina to enforce mandatory stress leave. I just hope he can get past all the trauma he's been going through lately. And I think Nicole made a really lovely gesture.

Apparently Roman managed to send Nicole flowers for finishing school to tell her that he was proud of her, which is nice. I guess that probably isn't an easy thing to arrange when you're in jail so it was lovely that he made the effort. I still feel so sad that he ended up behind bars.

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Charlie's diary causes problems, Ruby and Geoff encounter an intruder on Donna's property and Angelo becomes more and more fixated on the human trafficking case…<em>


	79. Chapter 79

**Chapter Seventy Nine**

**Monday 23****rd**** November**

**14:11**

**The Beach**

Sometimes I feel like we're completely chasing our tails when it comes to this human trafficking ring. Angelo is absolutely convinced that Hugo is the mastermind and that Suzy is involved. And he thinks that Bambang is one of the asylum seekers they brought over here. But I'm worried that it's becoming an obsession. We could be completely barking up the wrong tree and he could be blind to the whole situation because he's so fixated. Obviously I'm not going to remind him, but he got into a lot of trouble this time last year for having tunnel vision and thinking that he can set his own rules. Jack died because of it and Angelo hasn't been the same since. I mean, sometimes I see the same guy, hidden deep inside of himself. But it's not lost on me that the Angelo I know and care about now is not the Angelo I knew back then. This last year has changed him into a very different man. But he's still as stubborn, if not more so and he won't budge and consider other options. He has one plan when it comes to this case and nothing will divert him. I'm worried.

We've had to call off the surveillance on the farm, which scares the shit out of me. If Hugo is the dangerous villain that Angelo believes him to be, then Bambang and Martha could be in danger. To be honest, regardless of his involvement, I don't think Hugo would hurt Martha and I hope he wouldn't hurt Bambang. But someone else could. It was only a few weeks ago that Derrick tried to snatch the poor kid and we're still not clear over whether Hugo set it up or not. We have Derrick in the remand centre at the moment but what if there is someone else out there who could be just as dangerous. The whole thing kind of frightens me.

Angelo has sent out flyers, asking for anyone who might have seen Lou's boat while it was out at sea, and if they therefore might have seen anything dodgy happening on it – namely, murder. So far, we've have lots of useless responses, including some guy phoning to tell us that he saw a UFO in the sky on the night Lou died. Yep, that's really fucking helpful.

Apparently Donna's gardener has gone missing. She is trying to settle back into the house and Irene is proving herself to be a saint with the way she is taking care of her. I gather that she has roped Geoff into taking over from Orson (the gardener). Ruby texted to say that she was probably going to spend the day there too. She's off school now so I guess she'll be spending as much time with Geoff as she can get away with. I just hope that she carries on looking after herself properly and that, perhaps selfishly, she doesn't abandon me. I hope I get to keep spending time with her.

Oh, and the gym got trashed over the weekend. Tony and Alf came to report it to Angelo this morning. They think it was some kids from the formal on Saturday night. I have to admit I was a bit pissed off when Angelo handed the case over to me as if he outranks me. He doesn't. However, I took the case on with good grace, although now school is over for the year, to be honest, it's not going to be easy to find the culprit. It's not like I can gather them together en masse. But I've arranged to see Gina this afternoon to figure out a way forward.

I hear on the grapevine that Tony is considering selling up. I gather that the business hasn't been doing well for some time. I feel sorry for him because he loves that place and it's a wonderful gym. I love going there. I really hope it just changes hands and doesn't close completely – I don't think I could live without my workouts!

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 24<strong>**th**** November**

**20:04**

**Home**

Ruby is behaving strangely with me. She's hiding something and I can't quite figure out what. It's unnerving and I don't like it. What if she's pregnant or something!? No, Charlie, don't catasrophise. Just talk to her about it. Yep. I will talk to her. What's the worst that could happen?

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 24<strong>**th**** November**

**20:44**

**Home**

The conversation didn't go well. She denied there being a problem and insists she isn't keeping secrets but I don't believe her. I'm worried.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 24<strong>**th**** November**

**21:14**

**Home**

I tried to discuss my anxiety with Angelo but he was busy and just said that I was making a mountain out of a molehill. He said teenagers keep secrets and not every girl shares every single thing with her mother. He said I should just give her space. I guess he's right. He could have been nicer about it though.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 25<strong>**th**** November**

**15:32**

**Home**

I had a glorious day off today so I thought I'd do the unthinkable and get ahead with my Christmas shopping. Leah and I went together and it was really nice. I'll have to go back into town later to get her gift as obviously I couldn't buy it in front of her.

I bought Ruby most of the things on the list she presents me with at the beginning of November every single year. I got her some CD's, books, DVD's, the usual. I got her some stationary for the new term at school next year. And I bought her some jewellery and $100 worth of vouchers for new clothes. Yes, I may well have gone overboard. I spent double on her than I spent on anyone else. But she's worth it.

I bought Dad a diary. He told me when I visited last time that he's trying to keep a journal so he can collect his thoughts. He's been writing about his whole life, everything he can remember, everything that's important to him. So I've bought him a beautiful notebook for him to write in when his old one runs out of room. And I'm going to put together a photo album of his life so he can look back at all the faces of the people who have known and loved him in his life.

I bought Morag a couple of novels from an author I know she likes and I got Angelo some aftershave and a few bits and pieces like DVD's and stuff. It's weird. I've never really bought Christmas presents for boyfriends. I mean, I got him a gift last year but we weren't exactly in a relationship then. He was just a fling then. To be honest, I don't even know if he's more than that now. But in his head, he is and I have to go with it.

I also saw something in town that I was so desperate to buy for Joey. I know it's stupid and I didn't buy it. For starters, I'd have nowhere to send it. I don't where she lives now or what she's doing with her life. But I wanted to buy it for her. It was the most beautiful pendant. They didn't have any more in the whole shop, except this one. It was a diamond in the shape of a J. I can just picture it around her neck and I so desperately wanted to get it for her. I know she'd love it, if she could bear to accept a present from me. I don't know if I should go back for it or not. No, I know I shouldn't. But I really, really want to.

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 26<strong>**th**** November**

**21:03**

**Home**

I don't have long to write. Angelo is staying over and he's currently in the shower. But I thought I'd take the time to update a little.

I finally found out what Ruby was keeping from me. And it turned out not to even be anything to do with her. Donna had just asked her, Irene and Geoff not to talk to the police. And while on the one hand, I am offended that I was considered police above being Ruby's mother, I kind of get it.

Basically, while Geoff and Ruby were doing the gardening at Donna's house the other day, there was an intruder, which they believe was Orson, her old gardener. Donna and Irene came to Angelo and I about it today. Yesterday, they got a call from a woman called Bonita – Orson's wife. She told them that Orson was paid off when he caught someone breaking into the house – just before we found the gun there, months back. So they now think that Donna was framed for murder.

Of course, Angelo thinks that it was Hugo. I am trying to keep more of an open mind. While we were at the house, we saw someone on the property through the security cameras. We gave chase but were too late to catch him. Again, Angelo thinks it was Hugo. He thinks he is running scared right now.

So now we have to find Orson and figure out what he knows. Angelo believes that we need to get Hugo's DNA, although how he proposes to do that, I don't know. We haven't got just cause to haul him in yet. To be honest, I'm really starting to worry that Angelo has got tunnel vision with this case. And tunnel vision could easily lead to mistakes. I don't know. Maybe I still want to see the best in Hugo. And maybe I don't want to think that he dropped me in it with J... Shit. Gotta go. He's finished his shower.

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 27<strong>**th**** November**

**16:03**

**Home**

I am so glad to be home! Tonight, I think I am literally just going to wallow. Leah's out and VJ is away for the weekend so I have the place to myself and I am going to enjoy it. I'm thinking, TV, blanket and my weight in ice cream. And maybe a couple of beers. Yep. Sounds good to me.

Angelo's working and to be honest, I'm pretty grateful. We had a bust up last night, which led to a certain bitterness as we slept side by side but as far apart as possible. I mean, I'm not a particularly cuddly sleeper anyway but I didn't appreciate the tension. I used to snuggle with Joey but I've not been much for snuggling to anyone else.

Anyway, the argument was because of this diary so yes, dear pages, I blame you entirely. He caught me writing when he came back from his shower and then decided that if we had no secrets then I should let him read a few pages. Well, there is no way that I'm letting him do that! And not just because it would blow up in my face as soon as he reads that I like him a lot but don't know if I will ever love him. And more importantly than that, that I am still desperately in love with my ex and I think I always will be. Yeah, something tells me that won't go down so well.

And of course, that makes me fret about the relationship. Is it fair to be with him when I don't love him but know he loves me? Am I being an evil bitch when I know that a large portion of the reason we're still together is because I am so fucking terrified of being alone? Is it wrong to be with him but always live in hope that one day, Joey will come back to me? Am I truly awful to be aware that it wouldn't even take a heartbeat for me to break up with him and declare my undying love, devotion and commitment to Joey? Yep. I think it is. And yet I don't seem willing to do anything about it.

Anyway, we started squabbling last night about me not showing him my writing. But excuse me, isn't a journal meant to be personal? Isn't that the one thing that you shouldn't be obliged to share with anyone else if you don't want to? Even if I didn't write about Joey every single entry (or so it feels), I wouldn't want to share my deeply private thoughts with anyone. They're mine. My diary has always been my safe haven and I'm not prepared to share that with anyone. And I feel that Angelo should respect that.

So yeah, we've hardly spoken today. I think he's trying to punish me and make me give in and show him what I've been writing about. But I'm not going to. It's private. And it's staying that way.

* * *

><p><em>Next time… it's the anniversary of Jack's death and Charlie struggles to resist buying a Christmas present for Joey…<em>


	80. Chapter 80

**Chapter Eighty**

**Monday 30****th**** November**

**20:39**

**Home**

It's been a long weekend. I made up with Angelo on Saturday and spent the last couple of days with him as we were both off work. It seemed stupid to stay mad at him after he mostly apologised, plus it was the actual anniversary of Jack's death that day so how could I do anything but try to take care of him. I was off work but I went in for a moment of silence that Watson had organised. Angelo wasn't invited, which I understood but I know he didn't stop thinking about him all day.

I know it sounds terrible but I was glad to get back to the station today and I had to cry off spending the evening with him tonight. We had a nice but naturally sombre time together but I just want to be back in my own space and company.

That's terrible, isn't it? I'm not sure I'm very good at this boyfriend malarkey. But anyway, at least we made up. He sort of apologise and neither would I but neither of us had the energy to keep fighting so it was easier to brush it under the carpet, especially in the circumstances.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 1<strong>**st**** December 2009**

**22:00**

**Home**

I've been working all day and it was all quite hectic but Ruby called me on the way home and asked if I would like to go shopping with her for Christmas stuff on Saturday. I've done most of my shopping already but I agreed without hesitation and I'm really looking forward to it. I still have Leah's gift to buy, of course.

I'm a bit nervous about spontaneously buying the necklace for Joey. I already know it's a bad idea. For starters, I don't even know where to send it. I have no idea where she's living or what she's doing with her life and nor should I. If she wanted me to know, she'd tell me. If she wanted me to still be part of her life then she wouldn't have run so far away from me. When am I going to get over her?

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 5<strong>**th**** December**

**19:07**

**Home**

It's been a busy few days with work. We're engrossed in this human trafficking investigation and still trying to solve Lou's murder.

I was glad to get a day off today, especially as it meant that I got to spend the day with Rubes. We went into Yabbie Creek for the whole day and it was brilliant. We shopped till we dropped and had a really nice lunch together.

I walked past the store that I saw Joey's gift in. It was still sitting in the window, all shiny and beautiful. Ruby caught me gazing and she knew exactly what I was thinking. She didn't think that buying Joey a Christmas gift was a good idea, although I'm still longing to buy it. It felt like the fact that it's still there is a sign for me to get it for her, even if it is expensive. But over lunch, she said that if I'm with Angelo then I should be with him completely and forget about Joey.

I know what she's saying makes sense but it's easier in thought than in deed. I wish it was so simple to get her out of my head but I just love her so much. I miss her every day. I don't know what I think I'm going to achieve by sending her the gift but I just... want to.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 6<strong>**th**** December**

**11:23**

**The Beach**

I went back into town and I bought the necklace. I know I shouldn't have and Ruby will kill me if she finds out, not to mention how Angelo will feel. It cost several hundred dollars and I don't even know what I thought I was going to achieve. I don't even have anywhere to send it and Joey has made in abundantly clear that it's all over between us. Plus, it's mine and Angelo's four month anniversary together. How can I be four months into a relationship with someone when I am still so desperately in love with someone else? I feel so alone right now. I don't know what to do.

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Charlie makes contact with Joey again, Angelo is suspended for assaulting Hugo and Orson reappears unconscious on the side of the road…<em>


	81. Chapter 81

**Chapter Eighty One**

**Tuesday 8****th**** December**

**21:33**

**Home**

It was my four month anniversary with Angelo yesterday. We didn't celebrate it, as such but we decided to go out to dinner. It seems daft to celebrate four months. We're adults. Relationships should last years, if not forever. But it was nice to give it a nod, I guess.

We worked all day yesterday and today and we'll be working all day tomorrow. And the next. And the next. I am desperately looking forward to Christmas even if it's just for the break. He wants to spend it with me though. I'm not convinced. I've said I'll ask Dad and Morag if it's okay to bring him but to be honest, I'm just stalling for time. He said he has no inclination to go to his parents' place because he doesn't get on particularly well with his family. He told me that I'm the only family that matters to him. The notion scared the shit out of me. I hope he couldn't tell.

I've hidden Joey's necklace in my drawer. I still don't know what to do with it.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 9<strong>**th**** December**

**23:49**

**Home**

Angelo decked Hugo! I can't even begin to fathom what the hell he was thinking. I had to take him to the station myself and file a report about his behaviour and there is no way that he isn't going to be in a shit load of trouble for this. And while I understand why he hates the guy, all everyone else is going to see that the man who murdered Martha's husband, just punched her new boyfriend in the face. He's made so much progress over these last few months, trying to fit back in and make a life for himself and now I think he's just wrecked everything. Tony was the first on hand to pull Angelo away and understandably, threatened him.

Back at the station we had a somewhat heated debate. I still think this Hugo thing is turning into an obsession. I'm worried. He got obsessed about the development site thing and look what happened there. And to be honest, it's unnerving for me as his girlfriend. Sometimes I look at him and I see a stranger. He's not the person I used to know. He used to be fun and thoughtful and entertaining. Now he's so serious all the time, so focussed on work and he's become almost brittle.

I can feel his frustrations about other things spill over into his personal life. More than once since we got back together, he's been almost controlling. He's so rigid and stubborn and he's not opposed to giving me ultimatums either. If things don't go his way, he throws all his toys out of the pram and I don't like it. He dumped me because I didn't tell him that my ex partner was female. He's hassled me so much about telling him every tiny thing about myself. I've tried my best, although there are obviously things that would be inappropriate to tell him. But there was the whole thing about wanting to read my private journal, about not spending every single second with him when I am desperately trying to rebuild my relationship with my daughter...

And there are times when I feel like he's keeping stuff from me. Like, he was really cagey about why he hit Hugo. He just said that he pissed him off and so he lost his temper. But I can't help but wonder if it was more than that. And if he's keeping stuff from me, why is he so demanding about me telling him all my deepest, darkest secrets? I know I'm not the best girlfriend in the world but I am trying to be better for him. But I can't help but worry that this whole relationship is doomed. If I was going to feel comfortable with him, I would be feeling it by now, wouldn't I?

Anyway, it better news, there's been a reported sighting of Orson so we're going to check it out first thing. I don't know what's going to happen with Angelo (work wise) but he's got a meeting in the morning so Watson and I are going to partner up for the time being. I don't mind. I find it a bit claustrophobic to work with and date Angelo at the same time sometimes and I really enjoy spending time with Watson. She's a fantastic member of our team and I really like her. I haven't caught up with her properly in a while so it should be good. And I just hope we manage to track this guy down. He seems to be harbouring some answers that we very desperately need right now. Fingers crossed.

Oh, and in some random, unrelated news, I heard on the grapevine that John is buying into the gym. I know he is seeing Gina so it looks like he's really becoming part of the family if he's going into business with her brother. I hope it works out. Tony looks pretty stressed every time I go for a workout these days so hopefully things will get better for him.

Well, it's late and I have an early start tomorrow so I'd better get some sleep. Here's hoping that all the chaos surrounding the Bay at the moment will sort itself out soon. I really need the rest!

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 10<strong>**th**** December**

**20:08**

**Home**

My whole life seems to revolve around work at the moment. I was up and out early this morning and had to go round to speak to Hugo about what happened with Angelo last night. He's said that he doesn't want to press charges but wants Angelo to back off, which is fair enough.

Angelo was surprised when I told him. And on my way back to the station, I stopped by the Diner and Leah told me that Martha and Hugo broke up a few days ago. Again, Angelo is pretty surprised. And so am I. I really thought Hugo loved her. I can't quite figure out what's going on with him. I also don't know what is true and what isn't. This whole thing is pretty confusing.

Angelo's meeting about the incident has been pushed back to Saturday morning so he's trying to get as much work done on the case as he can because it's more than likely that he'll be suspended. And I guess it's only right, really. I mean, I do understand where he's coming from, at least to a degree. But he did hit someone. It's assault. If he was a civilian he could be under arrest by now. Even as a police officer, he could be. He really screwed up.

Anyway, we spent the day working on the case but it's a bit like wading through mud. I am so desperate to get this whole thing wrapped up. And I hope it's soon so that I can get on with enjoying Christmas. I haven't quite figured out how to excuse myself from Christmas with my boyfriend though. That may be tricky.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 13<strong>**th**** December**

**14:03**

**The Beach**

It's been a pretty heavy few days. I've been with Angelo for most of the weekend but he's decided to go and visit some friends in the city for a little while. He left this morning, having been suspended from work yesterday. They let him work the day but he's now suspended pending an investigation into his attack on Hugo.

He stayed over on Friday night because he was fretting about the meeting with his boss. And then I stayed at his place last night because he was upset about the suspension, although it wasn't a great shock to either of us. I'm kind of glad that he's gone away for the week though. I could do with the space, and it feels more than a little awkward to be going out to work at a job he's not allowed to do, even temporarily.

Also, it would have been eight months today that Joey and I got together if I hadn't messed it all up. I know it's wrong but I haven't been able to stop thinking about her all day really. Not that that's much different to other days. I hardly ever stop thinking about her, do I? Even now. Her Christmas present is still hiding in my drawer. I don't know what to do with it.

The people smuggling case took a bit of a turn yesterday. Orson was found unconscious at the side of the road and he's now in hospital but to be honest, it's touch and go. Obviously he knew something important – either about Hugo or Lou, or who knows what really – and someone has tried to silence him. And it looks like they may well succeed. And it means that Donna has now left town. She stopped by the station last night to say that she was contactable but didn't feel safe anymore. I didn't object. I don't blame her. Summer Bay is clearly far more dangerous than any of us have ever realised.

Leah was telling me this morning that there's been another upset between Aden and Nicole. They were getting on well but he's been ignoring her since the formal or something. And now he's said he doesn't want to spend time with her. I don't really understand what's going on. I don't think anyone does – not even Aden. He hasn't been the same (understandably) since Belle died. I must try and find time to see him. I've had a soft spot for the guy ever since Joey really. He helped her so much and he brought her into my life. I know I wasn't good enough to keep her, but I thank God for every single second I did manage to keep her. I think she'll always be the most special (Ruby aside) person I have ever known and I don't think I will ever stop loving her. Not even if I ever decide to try. I just wish I'd worked out the genuine depth of my feelings before it was too late.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 13<strong>**th**** December**

**21:33**

**Home**

I think I just did a bad thing. I texted Joey. I know I shouldn't have. I know she wants me to leave her alone. I should have just left it all alone. But I ended up coming home and looking through my box of memories. I got a bit over emotional and then I looked at the gift and before I knew it, I was texting her. Oh! My phone just beeped. Maybe she's replied...

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 13<strong>**th**** December**

**22:14**

**Home**

I've been texting Joey for forty five minutes. I know it's wrong. Angelo would have a fit if he knew I was still in touch with her. And to be honest, I don't think sporadic contact does either me or Joey any good but I couldn't help myself – and I don't think she could either. Here's how the conversation went...

"Hi, Joey. Sorry to disturb you. I was just thinking about you a lot today and wanted to see how you are. Love, Charlie."

"Hi, Charlie. I'm okay, thanks. I've been thinking about you a lot today too. I always do on the 13th of the month. The date is kind of etched in my brain, I think. How are you? Joey."

"I'm okay, thanks. Things are pretty busy at work. What are you up to these days?"

"I'm settled along the coast. Still in the trawler business! Big shock, hey? Are you looking forward to Christmas?"

"Yeah, big shock! Hehe. I'm looking forward to the break but not desperately looking forward to Christmas. Things aren't so good with Dad and my relationship with Ruby is a bit fragmented now."

"Sorry to hear about your Dad. And Ruby. What's happened with her?"

"It's a long story. You're better off not being dragged into it. But things have been pretty tense for a while."

"Is this anything to do with your last messages about someone dying or something?"

"Yes. Dad's awaiting trial for killing a man who hurt me pretty badly. He came back into my life and everything went wrong."

"I'm sorry, Charlie. That all sounds awful. I wish I could have been there to help you through."

"Me too."

"Sorry."

"It's not your fault. Losing you was the biggest mistake I ever made. But it was my mistake. I don't blame you for leaving me."

"I wish I could have come back."

"Me too. But I understand."

"Sometimes it takes everything I have not to pack up and leave my life behind, come and see you and try to make it work. But you've probably got with someone new by now, haven't you?"

"I've been seeing someone for a few months. But you'll always be the love of my life."

"Same here."

"Which part?"

"Both parts. I miss you."

"I miss you too. Actually, I bought you a Christmas present last week. I know I shouldn't have. It's stupid. But I couldn't help it."

"I bought you a present too. Can I send it? Are you still at the same address?"

"Yes, I'm still at Leah's. Can I send your gift to you too?"

She gave me her address and I'm going to post it out tomorrow. I always feel both better and worse when we have these conversations. It's like my heart leaps into my throat every time my phone beeps and it's her. I feel so torn over the things she says. If she misses me and still loves me then why won't she come home? She seems to want to. But then, she's with someone new. I just hope they are treating her better than me. Well, I guess they'd be hard pressed to treat her worse. I'm touched that she bought me a gift. And I feel connected to her, knowing that she marks our anniversaries in her mind too. In so many ways, we are a world apart now. But in other ways, I guess we'll never really let each other go. I'm both happy and sad about that.

Anyway, we texted a bit longer and have now said goodnight. I'm sure I'll end up dreaming about her tonight. It doesn't happen so much now, but it _always _happens when we've been in touch. I miss her so much.

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Charlie and Joey exchange gifts but Charlie and Angelo exchange harsh words…<em>


	82. Chapter 82

_This chapter is kind of the calm before the storm! Love, IJKS xxx_

**Chapter Eighty Two**

**Monday 14****th**** December**

**16:43**

**Home**

I posted Joey's gift to her today. I kind of feel like I'm cheating on Angelo by keeping in touch with her and everything but I just can't let her go. I want her to have the present. I know she'll like it and if she's willing to accept something from me, then I'm not about to turn that down.

Angelo called tonight and said he'd be home on Wednesday and hoped we'd go out to dinner or something. They haven't seemed to get anywhere on the investigation yet but I'm hoping they'll re-instate him without too much fuss. It's not like Hugo even seems to care all that much about what happened. He's not pressing charges or anything, and he would of course be within his rights to do that.

Watson and I are still working together on the case but it feels a bit like the pressure is off right now. I'm not even going to try and analyse the fact that I'm finding things easier to deal with now that Angelo isn't around. That's really terrible, isn't it?

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 16<strong>**th**** December**

**16:03**

**Home**

I am SO glad I arrived back here before Angelo has got back from the city. He's decided to come straight to me before going home but fortunately I have some time.

Waiting for me on the kitchen table was a small parcel. I know it's from Joey. I recognise the handwriting. I guess Leah must have brought it in, although she's not home so she hasn't had time to comment. I don't know if she knows who it's from. I've decided not to open it until Christmas. I want to save it.

Hang on, I've got a text. It might be Angelo to say he's on his way over and I want to hide the gift before he arrives. Not that I'm keeping secrets or anything...

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 17<strong>**th**** December**

**18:18**

**Home**

Angelo and I had a big fight last night. It wasn't pretty. And no, he didn't find out about me exchanging Christmas gifts with Joey.

It was about Christmas though. He brought up the 'let's spend Christmas together' thing and I had to politely back out. I said that I wanted to spend the day just with Ruby, Dad and Morag. He didn't understand. He started shouting about how we're supposed to be family and families are supposed to spend Christmas together. I tried to tell him how much I care for him, although my lack of using the L word was very apparent. I've just been a big believer in not saying something you don't mean. And I'm not in love with him. I'm not saying that I never will be but right now... I'm just not there. And I don't feel right to pretend otherwise.

Anyway, he was complaining about either being alone or worse, having to spend it with his family. I told him that he should be with his folks and that it was important. And I told him that maybe next year (I can't even begin to tell you how much the idea of us being together in a whole year makes me panic) but, maybe next year, we could do something. But, commitment-phobia aside, this could easily be the last Christmas that Dad is lucid – not to mention free. I do believe it's important to spend it with him and I don't think bringing a stranger – even someone he vaguely knows – to dinner is a good idea. I just want things to go smoothly. And I know I won't feel comfortable with him being there.

But as much as I tried to politely explain my perspective, he didn't like it. We argued right before bed so spent an awful night as far away from each other as we could and he left before I even woke up this morning. With him being suspended, I haven't seen him all day so goodness what's going to happen now. To be honest, I don't even think I care.

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 18<strong>**th**** December**

**17:21**

**Home**

I got a text from Joey at lunch time, thanking me for the parcel. She said she's going to open it at Christmas but wanted to let me know she received it. I thought that was nice. I replied to say that I'd received her gift and that I was saving it as well. She didn't respond but I keep saving all her messages in a special folder and I can't seem to stop reading them.

Angelo is still ignoring me.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 20<strong>**th**** December**

**22:04**

**Home**

Angelo and I made up on Friday night and spent the weekend together. He apologised for losing his temper and said he just felt a bit rejected. I told him that that's not what I intended, I just didn't feel it was the right time to spend Christmas together, what with everything that was going on with Dad. He tried to get me to change my mind again but eventually he let it go.

He said he can't bear to home for Christmas and deal with his family so he is going to go back to the city and see the same friends he just got back from spending time with. We'll keep in touch of course and the plan is to come back to Summer Bay on the 27th and spend time together then. We can have our own version of Christmas without all the pressure of it being real.

We spent the weekend together and he left tonight to go back to the city. I'm happy with that. Next week should be pretty fun and I'm looking forward to getting to spend time with Ruby. We've got a Christmas party at the Surf Club on Wednesday and then on Christmas Eve, Ruby and I will drive into the city to spend a few days with Dad and Morag. I'm looking forward to it.

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Charlie gets to the bottom of the human trafficking case, the Bucktons have an extra guest for Christmas and Hugo is shot…<em>


	83. Chapter 83

**Chapter Eighty Three**

**Monday 21****st**** December**

**20:03**

**Home**

The whole town is buzzing at the moment. We're all gearing up for Christmas. I can hardly believe that it's come upon us so soon. I'm really very eager to get myself to the city to spend time with my family. I want to give Dad a good Christmas and I am looking forward to spending time with Ruby. I can hardly stand the fact that she lives with Irene still. I miss her so much and I wish I could convince her to move back in with me. But I guess it's less likely than ever now that she and Geoff are all happy and in love. She'll want to stay with him. But I suppose I feel like I won't truly be forgiven for letting down as a baby until she agrees to live under the same roof as me again.

But anyway, Leah is rushed off her feet preparing for the Christmas party at the Surf Club. I'm really looking forward to going and I'm mostly disappointed that Angelo isn't going to be around. I'm disappointed because it should be a fun night and it's the kind of evening we would have enjoyed together. But I'm also a little bit relieved. Sometimes with Angelo, I feel like I have to behave in a certain way. I have to be attentive and put him first. And sometimes I really don't want to. Right now, I just want to party. I want to dance and have fun with my friends and family. I don't want to feel like I'm under any pressure.

I wonder what Joey is doing for Christmas. I guess she isn't coming home. Obviously I wouldn't expect her to spend the holidays with me. To be honest, I never expect to see her beautiful face again. But maybe a part of me hoped that she might return to be with Brett. But if not, I guess she's more than happy to be spending the day with this new girlfriend in this new life she's built for herself. I so want to be happy for her. But I can't help feeling a bit jealous. I wish I hadn't messed things up. I would have loved to have brought her home to spend Christmas with me and my family. Why did I have to be proud to call her mine when it was already too late?

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 22<strong>**nd**** December**

**21:52**

**Home**

It's been a particularly long day, although that has had little to do with work, to be honest. I worked all day and then called Dad and Morag about Christmas. It was just to finalise plans but my heart broke pretty badly when Dad could barely remember who I was. Morag said that it was just a bad day but even if it is, I know that it's only a matter of time before this becomes our lives. Soon enough, Dad will completely fade away from us. And it could easily be in prison, which of course would only make things a million times worse. The trial date has been set for 4th January and I'm terrified. I guess Dad, Morag and Ruby must be too.

And speaking of Ruby, we had arranged to go out for dinner tonight but she cancelled on me at the last minute. I feel so disappointed. And I know it's wrong. I know I should be happy that she's got her own life and she's happy. I just miss her so much. She said we could catch up tomorrow but it's not going to work, realistically. Tomorrow is the Christmas party so while I will see her there, it won't be proper quality time for us.

I guess we've got the drive into the city on Christmas Eve. It's better than nothing I suppose. She bailed on me because she wanted to spend the evening with Geoff. I guess he's more important now. I think I've lost my position in her life for good.

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 26<strong>**th**** December**

**12:02**

**Home**

Well, it has been one hell of a Christmas. If I thought it was hard to cope last year, the first Christmas without Mum, then this was even harder. Not only do I have no mother, a fragmented relationship with my daughter and a Dad who keeps forgetting my name, I was also nearly killed. Good times, hey? That was sarcasm, by the way.

Okay, so if I don't write it all down now then I won't bring myself to do it ever and I know I have to. This diary has been my saving grace for a long time. It's the one place that I can be totally honest without any fear. It's where I can long for Joey, fret about Angelo, admit the depth of my feelings about Ruby and confess all my sins. So I think writing about what's happened will help. Ruby has been fussing over me for the last few days but she's gone out for a walk with Geoff. Apparently she's coming back with ice cream and movies and stuff so I thought I'd take the time to get everything down on paper.

Everyone was gearing up for the Christmas party at the Surf Club on Wednesday night. Leah was doing the catering and pretty much everyone was going to be there. I had to work all day but I was looking forward to kicking back and enjoying myself. It all started before I left work, really. I was told that Derrick was being transferred to the station in order to be interviewed. I thought it was strange to be honest, I still don't quite understand what happened but the result was that he escaped in transit.

I decided to deal with the transfer (before I knew of the escape) in the morning because my shift was over and I'd been looking forward to the party for days. Everyone seemed to be having a good time, apart from poor Miles. Leah was feeling very positive about romance because something appears to be developing between her and this guy called Hazem. He fixed up the Diner for her before and he's been working on the gym since then, although I gather all is not well between him and John. But then, who does John actually get on with aside from Gina?

Anyway, when I got to the party, I immediately caught up with Ruby and it was really nice. We chatted and reflected on having probably the most life changing year of our lives. I mean, it's been pretty crazy, hasn't it? Angelo was charged and then cleared of murder. I fell in love with someone for the very first time and then lost her through my own stupidity, and perhaps arrogance that she loved me enough that I could treat her as badly as I wanted and get away with it. Ruby lost her virginity to Xavier but then fell in love with Geoff. Then she found out the whole truth about her and me after sixteen years of lies. And subsequently, Dad was charged with the murder of the man who raped me all those years ago. Yep, it's been hectic. And tragic. And there are so many things I wish to God I could have done differently.

I was genuinely having a fantastic time when I got the call from work to tell me about Derrick. I'd made an effort to get to know Geoff and we danced a lot together. I had fun with Ruby and everything felt really good, although John had a go at Hazem and Miles stormed out on his own. I gather that he and Leah had a bit of a misunderstanding earlier in the day and he tried to kiss her. Colleen saw and started spreading rumours of course and apparently the whole thing was pretty mortifying. On the back of everything that happened recently with Kirsty, I really empathise with him.

I arrived back at work and was told that the message in Bambang's toy had been decoded, leading us to shipping container seventeen at Port Heron. I went over to check it out, a decision I deeply regret right about now. While I was there, Avery phoned with a phone number they'd also deciphered and when I rang it, a mobile phone rang in the building. I wasn't sure what to do so I carried on trying to bust open the shipping container. And I honestly don't think I will ever get the image of what I found there out of my head. I still feel sick thinking about it.

Locked up in the container were several half dead asylum seekers, including 'Clint Eastwood' whose real name is Wayan. They were emaciated and broken. They're all still in the hospital and it's touch and go as to whether they'll make it. I feel so sad thinking about them and what they must have been through – and not just locked up, starving and in the dark. What must they have survived to even get there? Is living here really worth the risk of dying? What kind of tragedy were they leaving behind? I just can't bear to think about any of it.

Anyway, I didn't have time to raise the alarm or even try to rescue them. Hugo suddenly appeared behind me and knocked me out with the heel of his gun. By the time I woke up, I was being taken out to sea on his boat. It became morning too quickly and I was trapped and being dragged further into the ocean. Like a proper villain, Hugo explained a few things while we were out there. He admitted to being involved in the human trafficking and I now firmly believe that he killed Lou. He told me that the only two things connecting him to anything were his mobile phone, which he tossed overboard and me, which he also attempted to toss overboard.

He told me that I had to swim over to a nearby island and then he would call someone to tell them where I was when he was safely on his way out of the country. He kept going on about how much he loves Martha and needs to protect her. When I was taking my boots and everything off, I faked a blackout. When he came to check on me, I pinched his gun and finally got the upper hand. Unfortunately, it was only temporary.

I was in the middle of demanding that Hugo take us both back to land when another boat approached. Suzy was on board and I had no choice to work with Hugo to bring her down. I jumped overboard and managed to creep along and attack her from behind. Unfortunately, as we were brawling, she fell into the sea and I had to save her. And the bastard, Hugo, drove off and left us to drown.

I managed to pull her back on board her boat and I restrained her. And I have to thank Joey Collins for teaching me to steer a boat that time because that was the only way I managed to get us safely back to the Bay. I was so fucking scared. I called for help as soon as I could and there were police waiting to take us back to the station. Suzy is in custody and I went home as soon as I could.

In my absence, a lot of things had happened. Xavier had started to get flashbacks during the party and convinced Alf and Romeo to go to Port Heron with him, where they rescued the refugees, which was a real miracle.

Before she'd come to find us out on the water, Suzy had abducted Martha and left her with Derrick who held her in the boot of his car. Fortunately, Angelo was on hand to rescue her. Apparently he'd been working the case on the sly in private all this time and wasn't visiting friends at all. I was pretty pissed off that he lied, to be honest. But at least it had a good end. He rescued Martha, although he did get shot in the process. Fortunately, the bullet only grazed his head and he's okay. I believe it was Martha who saved the day in the end though. She knocked Derrick out by hitting him with a fire extinguisher. He's still in hospital. Good for her, I say!

Angelo took Martha and Derrick to the hospital with him and he got patched up. He told me yesterday, pretty emotionally, that Martha thanked him for saving her life. She also forgave him for killing Jack. When he was telling me about it, he got really tearful. I felt very compassionate. I think even more than getting to the bottom of this case, what he was seeking was forgiveness. And he's got that now. We just have to wrap the case up and hopefully he can close this chapter of his life for good. I don't think he'll ever completely forgive himself for ending the life of a friend and colleague, and nor should he, but I think we can all accept that it was an accident. And I hope we can all move on.

Speaking of moving on, we're a little uncertain about the future right now. Angelo was brought back to the Bay to bring the human trafficking ring down. The chances are that he'll be moved on now and stationed somewhere else. He said he doesn't want to go but thinks it is likely. He's very keen on us spending the time we have left together and I know he's contemplating long distance relationships and the like. I don't really know how I feel. I knew from the start that this whole thing was probably temporary. A part of me wonders if that was part of the attraction. I know that I don't want to be with Angelo for the rest of my life. I know I'm not that girl. The only person I could and would ever contemplate spending my life with is/was Joey and that can't happen now. So honestly, I do see myself living out my days alone. But I also know that if Angelo does get transferred, I will miss him. More than anything else, he's my friend. And I've always been terrified of being alone. He's not 'the one' but he's better than nothing. But that, in itself, is completely unfair on him so maybe the least selfish thing to do is just to let him go.

Anyway, at the hospital, Wayan woke up after surgery and spilled the whole story about Hugo and what he has been involved with. He filled in a lot of gaps, which was helpful and Martha was quick to reunite him with Bambang.

Hugo then made the mistake of going to see Martha at the hospital. She was not pleased to see him. And on his way out, Angelo caught him and dragged him to the police station where we're holding him in custody. We're heading back to work tomorrow and I'm taking the lead with interviewing him then. I'm going to hit him with every fucking charge I can. I hate him for what he did to me. I hate him for hitting me, abducting me and trying to throw me overboard. I hate him for turning on me and leaving me to die with Suzy. I hate him for all the evil he's been involved with.

And I hate him for being there on that awful night on the beach when I was fucked up, drunk and vulnerable. I hate him for letting me kiss him, for taking me to bed. I hate him – and myself – for not realising the terrible mistake we were making. I hate him for not putting a stop to it when I couldn't seem to. I hate us both for costing me one of the two most precious things in my entire universe. I go back to that night in my head over and over again and I wish to God that I could take it all back, that I could do things differently. If I had realised in that moment exactly what I stood to lose, exactly how I was destroying my life then I know I'd get things right. I know I'd stand up and face the world that was calling me gay. I'd push Hugo away and pledge my love to Joey. I would do every single thing it took to keep her. I would love her with everything I am and everything I have.

She texted me yesterday morning, thanking me for the necklace. Unfortunately, I was with Dad, Morag, Ruby, Angelo, Irene and Geoff for Christmas so I couldn't find any private space to either text her back or open the gift she sent me but I made sure I did it as soon as I was alone this morning. She got me the most beautiful wind chime I have ever seen. It's stunning. And with it, came a note to say that she'd started going to a craft course one evening a week and this was a piece she'd been working on all term. Subconsciously, she'd been thinking of me when she was working on it and it turned out to be my favourite colour – purple – and decorated with my favourite animals – dolphins. She said that every time she looked at it, she thought of me and thought perhaps I might like to keep it. I think it actually means more to know that her love and care has gone into creating it. And to know how much she thinks of me both breaks and lifts my heart all at the same time. I just wish she'd come home. I wish, if she does care about me this much, she'd give me one last chance. I know I wouldn't stuff it up this time. I know I'd make it work. I'd give that girl my whole heart and I would never take it back. And if she offered me her heart a second time, I would never break it. I'd keep it close and safe. Always.

Those were all the things I wanted to say to her when I thanked her for the gift. But I didn't. I know she's trying to move on with her life and I know that she's with someone new. And that person probably deserves her far more than I ever did. So, I just thanked her and told her that it meant so much to me. I told her that I would put it up in my room and think of her every time I saw or heard it. And I have.

I haven't quite figured out who to tell Angelo it came from. The truth isn't an option of course. But I don't want to hide it away in my box. I want to have it on display. That's what it was meant for. It's beautiful and doesn't deserve to be hidden away – much like the person who made it. I made the mistake of hiding her and I never should have. She should have always been allowed to live in the light. Even without all the horrible cheating, I know I behaved badly. I treated my love for her as something shocking, something to be afraid of. I never should have done that. I should have been so damn proud that someone as incredible as her could love someone like me. I failed. I just wish it hadn't been my last chance.

Anyway, I've skipped a day. Christmas was kind of weird. Everything was so raw and I'd spent Christmas Eve sharing a bed with Ruby who clung to me like her life depended on it. She apologised so many times about all the arguments we've had this year and says she can't bear the thought of losing me. We made a pact that we would never drift apart again, even with the current situation. She said she can get used to me being her Mum if I want her to, which I very much do. It was lovely to share that with her. I ended up crying myself to sleep in a fit of joy and sadness that all overwhelmed me all at the same time.

Angelo ended up spending Christmas with us. I wasn't keen exactly but what with everything that happened, it seemed wrong to reject him. I wasn't in a physical or emotional state to drive into the city so Irene invited us all to her place. She said it was just her and Geoff this year and that she would like to have other people round so me, Ruby, Dad, Morag and Angelo all piled in and considering the circumstances, we had a lovely day.

I let Angelo come and spend the night with me last night and he left early this morning to go back to work. I've taken an extra day off. I just can't face it yet. He's promised not to interview Hugo until I'm there though and I hope he's aware that I'll kill him if he doesn't. Interviewing Hugo is very personal to me right now. I both need to do it and am terrified of doing it. And it's no problem for me if he has to languish behind bars for an extra day. Actually I'm taking a lot of pleasure in it. I hope the staff are spitting in his food. And I know I sound like a terrible person but I can't even begin to start analysing what happened to me – what that bastard put me through. I hate him.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 27<strong>**th**** December**

**18:53**

**Home**

I went back to work today and to say it was emotionally draining would be the understatement of the Century. I led the first interview with Hugo but the bastard wouldn't admit any kind of involvement in anything that happened – not even the things that I can testify to like, you know, nearly killing me.

Anyway, it was hard to sit across from him, all smug and disgusting. Our basic understanding of the situation is that he and Suzy have been operating from Indonesia for years before Hugo moved here on the pretence of reuniting with his family. Instead, he was just settling himself to receive the poor refugees on the other side.

Derrick has been the person shipping them over and he ended up on the island with Geoff and Nicole after his boat – and the poor people on it – sank. I also believe that on the night that Hugo got 'bitten by a shark', he was actually hurt after an encounter with Lou DeBono. Hugo is the person who killed him.

Anyway, when things got a bit much for me, Angelo took over and I believe he showed him pretty compelling evidence. I just hope we nail the fucker forever. I never want him to be allowed to see the free light of day again.

Okay, I'm getting all bitter and angry down so I'm going to have to change subjects. I'm just finding this whole thing so hard right now. I'm being plagued with nightmares and I feel like I can't breathe anymore.

I did have a nice day with Ruby yesterday though. She was very sweet and very caring and it made me really happy to be with her. If anything good has come from all the horror of the last few days then at the very least, I feel like it has brought us closer together again. She was full of news, just like the old days – including the fact that Nicole and Liam have split up and Nicole thinks she might be in love with Aden. I can't say that that's a shock. To be honest, I'd be surprised if he didn't feel the same about her, although I can't imagine what that's doing to him – bearing in mind Belle only died this year. It really has been a long year though – for everyone – including me.

I'm also pretty proud of myself for not freaking out on Ruby yesterday. She told me that on Tuesday, she and Geoff slept together for the first time. I had hoped that she was planning to wait. I don't want her to rush into anything. I mean, she and Xavier only slept together once (as far as I know) before she dumped him. I don't want her to enter a serious relationship if she's only going to get her heart broken. I don't want her to turn out like me.

But I was really supportive and encouraging (I hope). I'm sure she'd be the first to tell me off if I wasn't being good about it. She told me all about it and it seems like it was really special for them. So eventually, I hope to stop panicking. Geoff is a nice boy, after all. I mean, I actually did like Xavier and look at all the mistakes he made, what with him getting stoned, dealing drugs and then all the Freya stuff. Geoff certainly doesn't have the same reputation as Xavier so if Xavier was a good kid at heart then presumably, Geoff must be. He's very attentive and he's also very sensible, especially with Ruby's diabetes, which is encouraging. He doesn't generally rush into things head first so maybe he can help rein Ruby's impulsiveness in. I hope they'll be a good match. She deserves someone who'll love her. Maybe that's the difference between us.

Speaking of 'love', Angelo's phoning.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 27<strong>**th**** December**

**20:01**

**Home**

Hugo's dead. That's what Angelo was calling about. I can't quite process what I feel. I mean, I hate the guy for what he did to me. I hate that I made the biggest mistake of my life with him. Thinking about it makes my skin crawl more than ever now. But death... it's so final. He's dead. Gone. Lying in a morgue. It's weird.

He was being transferred into formal custody after his interview but Angelo let him stop to say goodbye to Martha who showed up at the last minute. I guess it was more for her sake than Hugo's. But as they were saying goodbye, an Indonesian man in a motorbike helmet showed up and shot him right in the chest.

Angelo said he died instantly and Martha was obviously upset. Who can blame her? He's heading round to see Gina and Xavier now to break the news. It certainly is a happy Christmas and New Year in Summer Bay, isn't it? That was sarcasm, by the way.

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Charlie lies about the wind chime and struggles in the wake of everything that happened with Hugo…<em>


	84. Chapter 84

_Hi everyone. This is just a short chapter as it rounds off 2009. I hope you enjoy it. Love, IJKS xxx_

**Chapter Eighty Four**

**Tuesday 29****th**** December**

**23:49**

**Home**

I've gone against all advice and refused to take some leave. I just know that if I stop then I'll fall apart. Everything feels so awful right now. I will take leave for Dad's trial next week and I've got that two week holiday booked with Angelo. But I feel the need to fill all the gaps in between.

I worked all day yesterday and then Angelo stayed over. He immediately noticed the wind chime and wondered where it had come from. I lied and told him it was a Christmas present from Auntie Michelle, which came late. He seemed to believe me and thought it was very pretty, which it is. It's the last thing I look at every night before I turn my light off. I miss Joey so much that I feel like my heart will never stop breaking. I know, if I'd have managed to keep her, she would have been so amazing during this time. She would have taken care of me after what happened with Hugo and she would have given me a reason to want to come home at night.

Ruby expressed anxiety today over me working too hard. I think maybe I would stop working so much if it meant that I could spend time with her. But although we hang out and she's a lot more attentive than she has been up till now, she doesn't live with me. She still seems so far away. I miss her too. Every day. Even though she's only round the corner. She's wrapped up in her own life and there doesn't seem to be all that much room for me.

And it kind of feels the same with Angelo. He has hardly acknowledged what I went through. Everything still seems to be about him, Martha, the case, Hugo... He doesn't seem to understand how much I'm hurting. Apparently I was tossing and turning in my sleep last night and it irritated more than concerned him. And he's hardly acknowledged Dad's upcoming trial. I very much doubt he'll be heading into the city with me to support him, although maybe that's my fault. I don't exactly do much to invite him in, do I? I guess I can't expect him to be there when I need him.

I'm dreading New Year. All I want to do these days is curl up and go to sleep. And maybe when I wake up, I'll have gone back in time to April, before I screwed my life up. Knowing what I know now, I would have done so many things differently.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 30<strong>**th**** December**

**21:38**

**Home**

I worked all day and then Ruby came to see me in the evening. She was fretting again about me working too hard but honestly, I don't have a choice. If I take time out to sit and really think about what happened, I'll go crazy. And if I go crazy, I'll probably only make things worse. I'm a heartbeat away from texting Joey and begging her for all I'm worth, which granted, isn't a lot, to come home. I've managed to stop myself so far because I don't think it's fair on her. But I'm so close. I need her so badly right now. It's wrong and I'm sorry but I just can't help it.

I talked to Ruby about it a little tonight. She was more than a little disapproving when she realised where the wind chime had actually come from. She doesn't think I'm being fair to Angelo and I know she's right. But I can't take it down. It's so beautiful. And she went to so much effort. It would be wrong to hide it away. And I mean, it's not like I'm living with Angelo or anything. That certainly isn't on the cards as far as I'm concerned.

Maybe one day, a million years in the future, should we stay together, I will let go of Joey and move on. But I don't want us to last, particularly, or at least, I don't want us to get to that stage where we're living together or worse, married. I don't want to be his wife. I don't want to mother his children. I don't want to share a bed with him each and every night. And I don't want us to make a financial or a more deeply emotional commitment to each other. I just hope he feels the same. I mean, men are famed for having commitment issues, right? If I have them too then surely Angelo and I won't come into that kind of conflict?

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Charlie and Angelo bring in the New Year rather uniquely and Charlie, Ruby and Alf support Ross as he and Morag prepare for the trial…<em>


	85. Chapter 85

_Sorry for the lack of update yesterday and the late one today. It's been a bit of a baby weekend as I got to go to a 4D scan yesterday and saw my Goddaughter for the first time on screen. And then today we held a baby shower for the two Mums and the Dad! This chapter is a shorter one as Charlie enters 2010 but normal chapter lengths will resume after this one. I just like to round off weeks and years. I hope you enjoy it. Love, IJKS xxx_

**Chapter Eighty Five**

**Friday 1****st**** January 2010**

**22:04**

**Dad and Morag's House**

Okay, I did not start this year very well. I'd like to say that I'll pick things back up and that this year can't possibly be any more disastrous than the last but unfortunately, I don't think that's a statement I can commit to! I'm a walking, talking disaster, am I not?

Basically, there was a big, if subdued New Year's party at the Surf Club. I didn't really want to go but Angelo, Ruby and Leah all encouraged me to give it a shot. It was awkward when I ran into Gina and Xavier, heartbreaking when I saw Martha and generally, I just felt awful and wanted to go home. I might not be willing to talk about it but it's hardly going to be a shock for people to realise that I'm struggling in the aftermath of what happened before Christmas. I mean, I know Angelo is focussed on justice and all that shit but I nearly died. It was one of the scariest moments of my life and for a woman who was raped at fourteen and nearly drowned in a storm drain in 2008, that's a pretty big statement, right?

Anyway, I wanted to go home at around eleven o'clock. All I needed was to crawl into bed and go to sleep. What was there really to celebrate about the year gone anyway? I put a friend in jail for shooting another friend. I met, loved and the lost the single love of my life. I told Ruby the truth about her parentage and although we're mostly back on track now, our relationship will certainly never be the same. I came face to face with a bastard who raped me and then nearly got wrongly sent down for his murder. Then I found out that the person who really did kill him was my poor father who is suffering from Alzheimer's and only remembers my name on a good day. And then the man that I broke the love of my life's heart with tried to kill me. Oh and the first guy, the one that went to jail, got out and now is my boyfriend but he loves me and I don't love him. Yep, great year! Lots to celebrate!

So yes, I wanted to go home and Angelo didn't. He said that he had things to celebrate, having regained his freedom, been forgiven by Martha and finally closed the case of a lifetime. I told him that he was under no obligation to go home with me and that to be honest, all I wanted to do was sleep. He started snapping at me about being unsupportive. I exploded at him about being selfish and not even noticing all the pain I'm in. Then he started yelling about how he couldn't know what kind of pain I'm in because I never open up about how I'm feeling.

We must have been arguing for a full hour because the next thing I knew, people were shouting Happy New Year at each other. I somewhat bitterly wished Angelo Happy New Year too and stormed off. I was relieved when he didn't follow me and I was able to crawl under the blankets as soon as I got in.

Things were a little awkward at work, although we have made up now at least. But that wasn't before a particularly difficult case resulting from some drunken violence last night. When I burst into tears in front of a suspect and ran off, I got called into my boss's office and he told me that I desperately needed to take leave.

I'm off on Monday anyway because I'm going to Dad's trial but I was meant to be working this weekend. Being so exhausted and emotional, it didn't take a whole lot of persuading to take off early and so I'm on leave now for a week, then I'm back for a week and then I'm heading off on holiday with Angelo for a fortnight. I am not looking forward to that. I actually kind of was for a little while but not now. And I know we've made up. He apologised (sort of, he seems to be allergic to the actual word 'sorry') and I apologised too and we made up. He was a bit put out that I was heading to the city so early but I think he understood in the end that I want to be there for my Dad as much as I can.

I've brought Ruby here with me. I wanted her to stay in the Bay, be protected from the trial but she insisted. And if she takes after me in any way, it's most definitely her stubborn streak. She said she wanted to support Dad and besides, it's the holidays so it's not like she'd even be missing school. I gave up and we drove here this evening. It's feels nice to be out of the Bay, stepping back from life for a while. Now I just hope Dad's trial brings the result we want. Morag has put together an incredible case. Now we just need an understanding judge. Fingers crossed.

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 2<strong>**nd**** January**

**21:49**

**Dad and Morag's House**

Dad, Morag, Ruby and I all spent a nice day together. We stayed at the house for most of the day but it was a nice time just to chat and be together. I don't feel like we get all that much family time these days. The trial is obviously weighing heavily on everyone's minds but we're determined to face everything as a family. Morag went through the case with me tonight and it seems totally solid. I have a lot of hope for Monday. But whatever happens, I will take care of my Dad as best I can.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 3<strong>**rd**** January**

**21:11**

**Dad and Morag's House**

It's been a nice, relaxing day today. I feel surprisingly calm, considering tomorrow is Dad's first day of trial. And he seems pretty calm too. Alf has come to be with us and support the family through the trial, which is kind. We spent most of the day in the garden, sunbathing and chatting and Alf did a barbeque for dinner. Dad seemed to be in a good space and I firmly believe that Morag will have everything under control. I just hope that we all get through this and that there will be no custodial sentence. Robertson has put his two cents in and recommended that Dad have a suspended sentence of sorts, considering his health and the mitigating circumstances. I'm relieved at least that he's happy to stand up for us.

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Ross receives his sentence for Grant's murder, Charlie forgets another anniversary with Angelo and struggles to return to work…<em>


	86. Chapter 86

_Jensy, I am not actually leaving for my holiday until Monday so if I can update 'Road to Somewhere' on Sunday, I will do my very best! Love, IJKS xxx_

**Chapter Eighty Six**

**Monday 4****th**** January**

**22:01**

**Dad and Morag's House**

Today was a pretty gruelling day. The trial started and Morag is expecting it to run until Wednesday. I'm kind of hoping that she's right, a) because I want the ordeal over with quickly and b) because it's mine and Angelo's five month anniversary on Thursday and I know he'll give me hassle if I don't spend it with him. Honestly, I've never known a guy to be so into anniversaries. I mean, granted I've never lasted all that many months with someone before but I definitely thought it was a girl thing. But anyway, he called me last night to wish us luck for this morning and nudge me about being back in time so I've just said that if I can, I will be but Dad comes first. I just hope he understands that. He's a lot more relaxed now that the human trafficking case is resolved. He seems a bit more like the guy I used to know,

Anyway, the trial was pretty harsh. Morag has built a good case but Grant's wife was sitting in the public gallery, crying for the loss of her husband. Dad did her a favour if you ask me! Can you imagine being married to a bastard like that? I still feel sick every time I think about him. I always have. The only person I have ever hated as much is Robbo. Thankfully he's rotting in jail at least. I hope he stays there forever after what he did to my darling Joey.

Dad is giving evidence tomorrow but the judge seemed pretty sympathetic already about his situation. Morag has laid it on very thick about his condition, which is getting worse and worse as each day passes. He struggled to remember my name this morning. He stared at me as if I was a stranger and I think, to him, for a minute at least, I was. And the whole thing gets harder for him the more stress he's under so I guess this week is literally going to be hell for him.

I just hope that we'll get the right outcome. Dad shouldn't have to spend time inside for this. I know he killed a man but Grant was a monster. He was a serial rapist and that was just the start. And not only is Dad an ex-Detective and therefore automatically vulnerable in a place like that, he's mentally impaired. Locking him up would be so wrong. I just hope the judge will understand that. My poor, poor Dad.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 5<strong>**th**** January**

**20:49**

**Dad and Morag's House**

It's been another long day. Sitting in court listening to Dad plead his case, going through his perspective over everything that happened to me...

It's weird really. But it didn't occur to me until now, just how much my teenage trauma affected him. And it was hard to see him on the stand. The more viscous the prosecutor was, the more bewildered Dad got. He forgot himself so many times but the most important thing about that was that he didn't lose his thread and look anything but a desperate, unwell man trying to protect his family.

Morag is still really positive about everything. Tomorrow is verdict day. Tomorrow will change everything.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 6<strong>**th**** January**

**14:08**

**Dad and Morag's House**

Just a quick update! Dad was given a suspended sentence due to mitigating circumstances so he's not going to have to go to jail. They'll keep an eye on him and he'll be in trouble if he breaks the law again but he's literally home free. I'm so happy I could cry.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 6<strong>**th**** January**

**23:02**

**Dad and Morag's House**

It's been a great day, aside from a bit of an argument with Angelo. Morag, Ruby and I spent the day celebrating with Dad and we're all feeling like a big weight has been lifted off now. Grant is dead and buried and we can all start to move on with our lives again.

Unfortunately, in the delight of the day, I forgot that tomorrow is my five month anniversary with Angelo. He phoned a few times but I forgot to put my phone on when we left the court. By the time he got through to me, he wasn't very happy. And he was even less impressed when I said I wasn't coming home until Saturday. But we figured it out in the end.

He's coming up here for the day tomorrow and we're going to spend some time together before heading out for dinner with Dad, Morag and Ruby. I tried not to panic when he referred to us being a family but I guess if I've been with him this long, there's no point panicking now. You never know, I could beat my record. I usually break up with whoever I'm seeing just before we hit the six month mark so Angelo potentially doesn't have long left. But we'll see.

And today isn't a day to think about all of that anyway. Today, I'm so happy for my Dad. I'm so happy that the court saw reason. And I am so happy that justice has been served – on all counts.

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 9<strong>**th**** January**

**19:32**

**Home**

It's been quite a nice few days really. Angelo came to the city on Thursday and we spent some time with Dad, Morag and Ruby before heading off to do our own thing for our anniversary. It's weird to think that next month, we might actually hit six months. I never make it past that. And to be honest, I've only ever _wanted _to make it past it with one person – and I deeply regret not even getting to one month with her. But I also know that I have to learn to let go of the past and live in the present. She's been out of my life for longer than she was in it now and she's made it very clear that she's moved on. But it's just so hard when I miss her every day.

But anyway, I was talking about Angelo, not Joey. We had a nice day together and he stayed over at the house, which was kind of weird but nice in it's own way. Then yesterday, he drove back to Summer Bay and so did I, bringing Ruby with me. It was hard to say goodbye to my Dad as it's been a particularly emotional start to the year. But I am going to make much more of an effort to spend time with him now. He doesn't really live that far away so I have to see him more. He narrowly escaped jail and we all know that his condition won't stay stable forever. I have to use the time that we've got left together.

Angelo stayed the night here and he went home a couple of hours ago. We're both back on shift tomorrow although I'm still on light duties after everything that's happened. The whole human trafficking thing is a huge case to wrap up and I doubt that it will be done any time soon. Especially with Hugo dead and gone, there are so many things left to figure out. It's all very complicated but I hope we'll get there.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 10<strong>**th**** January**

**13:42**

**Work**

I've barely been back at work five minutes before it's started taking it toll on me. My holiday with Angelo isn't booked until next Monday but I could really do with taking off now. And that's wrong because I only just came back. I guess I'm just finding this whole thing harder than I expected, or at least harder than I wanted it to be. Nothing has really happened. Mostly I'm just doing paperwork. But just being here, confronting my demons is really hard.

Angelo seems to be happy, without a care in the world. He's the town hero now that he's brought Hugo's organisation down. And he's thrilled that Martha has forgiven him. Why is all of this so easy for him when it's so hard for me? And what kind of person am I to be jealous that things are going well for my own boyfriend?

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Orson wakes up from his coma and Derrick gives a full statement as Hugo is laid to rest and Charlie prepares for holiday with Angelo, missing Joey all the while…<em>


	87. Chapter 87

**Chapter Eighty Seven**

**Monday 11****th**** January**

**18:03**

**Home**

Orson woke from his coma just as we were finishing shift yesterday. It was a bit too soon to talk to him anyway so Angelo and I told the team to wait and we went to the hospital to get a full statement from him this morning. It was hard to see him so messed up and lost. I don't know the guy but Hugo and his cronies obviously put him through hell. He disturbed them trying to frame poor Donna for killing Lou and he's been living in fear for his life ever since. It's so sad to see how far Hugo's criminality has spread. Like poison.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 12<strong>**th**** January**

**22:12**

**Home**

It's been another long day at work. I'm finding this whole thing a lot more emotionally exhausting that I hoped. I'm not even out doing anything active, but just going through all the paperwork in this human trafficking case is doing my head in. And I don't feel like I can even talk to anyone about it. The natural person for me to turn to is Angelo, a) because he's my boyfriend and b) because he's been involved in all of this from the start. But every time we talk about Hugo and everything related, he seems to just launch into how amazing it is that he solved the case and how it's wonderful that we can put it to bed now and believe that the world is a safer place. Just because he's happy about it all, doesn't mean I am and I think I'm suffering with the effects of what happened to me. I just don't know how to communicate that.

Angelo wanted to stay the night tonight but I put him off. Tomorrow would have been my nine month anniversary with Joey and I've booked the day off work. I just need to get away from everyone and everything. I need some space to be me, to process what I've been through and to try and figure out a way towards the future. Why am I finding everything so hard?

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 13<strong>**th**** January**

**13:09**

**The Beach**

I've taken myself off for the day to a far part of the beach. I have a picnic and my book and my diary and I'm going to chill here and get away from the world for a little while.

Today would have marked nine months with Joey if I had been good enough to keep her. I feel so sad thinking about what might have been. I know letting her go is the right thing to do but I also know, she'll never be completely gone. I still have memories of her like yesterday and she made more of a difference to my life in six weeks than anyone else has in the space of years.

I was so lucky to get to be with her and she made me happier than I could handle. I just wish I hadn't realised it all so late. I sit here now and I think of all things I could have done... should have done. My heart breaks because I miss her so much.

I hate my life. And it's all my fault. I wish it wasn't too late to change it.

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 14<strong>**th**** January**

**20:48**

**Home**

It's Hugo's funeral tomorrow. Ruby says that Gina is refusing to go. She can't believe what a monster her son was and she can't bring herself to grieve for him. It must be hard. I can't believe I ever slept with him. I mean, how sick is that? Not only did I cheat on my beautiful Joey, but I did it with an evil bastard. I feel sick just thinking about it.

Angelo and I are working all day tomorrow and Saturday. Then we've got one day to get organised and pack our belongings and then we're off on holiday. I'm looking forward to escaping for a little while but an intense fortnight of just his company is a little bit scary. I'm not sure I'm quite committed enough to cope but I'll do my best. Nobody can ask for more than that, can they?

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 15<strong>**th**** January**

**16:08**

**The Beach**

It's Hugo's funeral today. I escaped work as quickly as I could and left Angelo to it. He seemed to have a lot on today and I gather he was going into the city to tie up some loose ends on the case. To be honest, I was happy to leave him to it. I've dealt with some pretty difficult cases over the years but nothing has affected me in quite this way. I broke my heart over Joey's ordeal but I was never afraid or unsure of myself when I was trying to save her. I was in the role of protector but after what happened with Hugo, I feel vulnerable. And I don't like it.

I was half tempted to go to the funeral. It sounds sick but I almost need confirmation that he's really dead and gone and can't hurt me anymore. But I didn't feel it was my place to be there so I ducked out of work and came here instead. Regardless of the monster Hugo turned out to be, I do feel deeply for Martha, Xavier and Gina. I gather that Gina is staying away and keeping Brendan away too. But Martha, Alf, Miles, Leah, Colleen and Xavier were all going to go, I think.

Derrick has given us a full statement condemning Hugo and Suzy both. And I gather that he's prepared to take what's coming to him. Hugo has escaped justice in a lot of ways. At least now he doesn't have to live with what he's done. But we're still trying to find Suzy and bring her down. It already feels like a lost cause. The only good thing about all of this is that the poor refugees I found in that shipping container are all safe and being treated in hospital. I'm grateful for small mercies.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 17<strong>**th**** January**

**21:49**

**Home**

I've just packed up everything for our holiday. Angelo is coming to pick me up at nine tomorrow morning so that we can get going straight away. I'm still in two minds about the trip. When I agreed, it all seemed so far away. To be honest, I expected us to break up before we even got close to it. But here we are, the night before a romantic getaway. I just hope it goes well. Maybe it will help me feel a bit better. You never know.

I'm a bit worried about all the nightmares I'm having though. He isn't the most sympathetic guy in the world and he doesn't seem to understand how badly everything at Christmas affected me. I don't know. Maybe this time away will help us get closer? Maybe.

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Angelo and Charlie go on holiday together…<em>


	88. Chapter 88

_Happy New Year, everyone! I hope 2013 is brilliant for all of you. Sorry for not updating yesterday, as promised. In his wisdom, one of my cats decided to eat three metres of wool so I spent most of the day yesterday at the vets trying to get him sorted out and everything. We've narrowly avoided an operation but it was touch and go for a little while there so it was all a bit scary. Honestly, I have the stupidest cat in the world but what he lacks in clever, he makes up in cute. But anyway, on with the chapter… Love, IJKS xxx_

**Chapter Eighty Eight**

**Tuesday 19****th**** January**

**10:23**

**Hemmingway Hotel**

I just thought I'd write quickly. I've sent Angelo out to get breakfast and bring it back here before we start our day. I think I'm going to find it hard to only write snatched bits here and there. I'm used to having my own space and time to really express how I feel. But I've got two weeks of constant company so I will have to work around it.

We arrived at the hotel yesterday and spend most of the day moving in and unpacking and everything. He's made it very clear that he expects it to be a rather rampant weekend. I'm not sure I'm up for that but I guess I'll have to deal. We slept together yesterday afternoon and then last night. It's been quite nice to get away from the stress of Summer Bay, at least. I'm doing my best to be happy.

Today we're hitting the beach, I think. I'm looking forward to escaping all my responsibilities, although I need to keep my phone on in case Ruby calls. She said she'll just drop me the odd text to let me know she's okay but mostly she told me that I shouldn't worry about her. She was really sweet yesterday morning actually, and came to wave us off even though it was quite early. I really hope this year, that she and I will be able to make things right. I am so desperate for her to move back home and be my family again. It doesn't feel right that she's still living at Irene's, and not just because she's there with her boyfriend. But I guess good things come to those who wait, right? I've got to learn some patience.

I think I hear Angelo coming back so I'd better go but I'll write more when I can.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 20<strong>**th**** January**

**12:31**

**The Beach**

It looks like we've got a fortnight of sand, sea and sex. I'm liking the sand and sea part but if I'm being completely honest, I'm struggling with the company. I have to be careful with what I write in here. I'm keeping this diary a secret if I can because I don't want him to go looking. I think I would get unceremoniously dumped if he read anything. Not only do I not feel strongly for him, but I do feel strongly for someone else. That's pretty bad, right?

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 21<strong>**st**** January**

**22:14**

**Hemmingway Hotel**

I had a really nice day today. Angelo has just gone out to grab us some takeaway – I had a pizza craving, which has just given me some time to relax and unwind by myself.

Today, we went hiking all day and it was so nice. It was great to get the exercise and fresh air. We even had good conversation, and I even got to talk a little about how I've felt since the Hugo thing. He went on a bit about how wonderful life is and how happy he is that everything worked out and that Martha has forgiven him for killing Jack.

I'm happy for him, of course but I was relieved to finally get to open up a little bit about how scared I was. My nightmares have been waking him up every night of this holiday so far, which has been hard. He hasn't been pissed off, fortunately, although he wasn't as gentle and supportive as I hoped he might be.

I remember when Joey struggled with nightmares and I used to hold her in my arms until she fell safely back to sleep again. I don't know how much comfort his arms would give me, exactly, but I would appreciate the effort. I know that's what Joey would do if we'd stayed together. I wish we'd stayed together.

But I also know I have to stop going on about Joey in this. Reading back through entries from last year, it's like my whole world still revolves around her. And as heartbreaking as it is, I have to accept that she's gone and she's not coming back. I can miss her and love her and long for her but it's not going to change anything. I have to let her get on with her life and I have to try and do the same.

So I vow not to write about Joey until I've got back from holiday, at the very least. I need to focus on my relationship with Angelo if it's ever going to go anywhere. I mean, we're both expecting him to be transferred to another station when we get back so there probably isn't a future anyway. But for now at least, I have to behave as if there is.

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 22<strong>**nd**** January**

**14:08**

**Hemmingway Hotel**

Angelo and I just had a huge fight. I don't even know where to start with making things right. He totally over reacted. Fuckwit.

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 22<strong>**nd**** January**

**20:39**

**Hemmingway Hotel**

We made up but I'm still feeling a little bit cranky.

Basically, what happened was that I was checking my phone. We'd made this decision that we would block out the outside world and just focus on each other. That meant that our mobiles would be off. I assumed that an exception to this rule would be to check on my DAUGHTER! I know she's in safe hands with Irene but I still want to check in on her occasionally and make sure she's okay. But Angelo saw me texting and flipped. We had a big, fat row and he stormed out. What a shitty day.

He came back a little while ago with his tail between his legs and asked to make up. He's not all that good at saying 'sorry' but I got the impression at least that he was remorseful. And for the sake of the holiday, I've accepted it and we'll move on. But let it be noted that it really pissed me off.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 24<strong>**th**** January**

**18:07**

**Hemmingway Hotel**

Today has been a better day, thank goodness and we've been argument free so far. Granted, the day isn't over yet and we've still got dinner to get through tonight. I'm just writing quickly while Angelo is in the shower and then we're heading out to a gorgeous looking restaurant on the beach front. I'm looking forward to it. We've promised that yesterday's argument is over and we're going to concentrate on having a really great time together.

We've got a week left until we have to face reality and I'm hoping to lose myself in being away. When we get back, we have to face the Hugo stuff again and according to Ruby, there's loads of arguments and stuff going on at the moment about the poor refugees languishing in the hospital.

On top of that, Angelo will probably be having to say his goodbyes. He expects that he'll be sent to the city permanently so we'll either have to do the long distance thing or call it a day. I'm not exactly sure what I'd prefer. I know I don't love Angelo but I do like him and I hate being alone. It's nice to have that comfort from someone. He might not be the person of my dreams but he's enough, right?

Okay, the shower just switched off so that's my cue to go. Wish me luck!

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Charlie and Angelo's Australia Day celebrations go better than for those back in Summer Bay, Angelo is stationed permanently at Yabbie Creek Police Station and he and Charlie both receive promotions…<em>


	89. Chapter 89

_Gosh, this 3D Life malarkey keeps getting in the way of updates, doesn't it…? Sorry! Love, IJKS xxx_

**Chapter Eighty Nine**

**Monday 25****th**** January**

**20:11**

**Hemmingway Hotel**

I had a brief chat with Ruby on the phone this morning. She's got herself bent out of shape about the poor refugees. Apparently there has been some kind of objection, supported by John Palmer, about them receiving free health care. Always one for a cause, Ruby has decided to campaign and raise the money for their medical treatment. I'm very proud of her, although I am concerned about her making an enemy of John. He's not the kind of person I'm comfortable with her coming into conflict with. He's not the most moral man in the world.

Fortunately, Angelo didn't kick off about me talking to her today. I don't think he wanted another fight and he knows I'll kick off right back at him. I'm fine with abandoning the outside world so we can 'spend quality time together' but I'm not ignoring my own daughter. That's too much to ask. If Angelo is actually serious about having a future with me, then he has to accept that I'm a mother. Maybe referring to him as her step-dad will scare him off... No, Charlie. Don't think like that. If you're not happy, get the hell out of the relationship, stop trying to make him walk out on you so it won't be your fault.

Speaking of romance, Ruby said that Leah is now dating that Hazem guy. They went on their second date today. I really hope it works out for her. She deserves some happiness. I think, despite being an arsehole, that Detective Robertson did a lot for her confidence so I hope she can move forward now. She hasn't exactly had the best of luck over the last few years. I wonder if she and Miles have cleared the air after their inadvertent kiss at Christmas...

Oh! And extra exciting, Aden and Nicole have decided to make a go of their relationship. They've been such good friends for so long and their feelings for each other have been obvious for a while. I mean, I can imagine that it's hard, especially for Aden. He only lost Belle a few months ago and she really was the love of his life. But he's still so young. He's really just starting out in the world. It's nice that he has found someone else he could be happy with. Maybe I'll find that one day too...

Why am I being so bitter at the moment!? I'm meant to be enjoying a nice holiday with my boyfriend... What is wrong with me?

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 26<strong>**th**** January**

**11:23**

**The Beach**

We came out to the beach early this morning and Angelo is currently swimming in the sea while I'm working on my tan. We had quite a good day yesterday really, so I feel extra-specially bad that I was so negative in my last entry.

I spoke to Ruby this morning. She's been busy fundraising with Geoff and taking care packages to the hospital for the refugees. I really admire my baby's heart. She's amazing.

We've only got a few days left of our trip now. I've enjoyed myself. It's been nice to get away from the Bay and relax. I'm looking forward to getting home in some respects – I want to see Ruby and also get back to having time by myself instead of Angelo and I living in each other's pockets. But I'm also nervous about getting back to work, having to face the Hugo situation and everything he left behind. Angelo and I will also probably have to make a decision about our future if he is transferred to another station and I really don't know what I want.

It's been nice spending time with him really. I mean, I know we rowed a bit and I know I'm not in love with him but it's been pleasant enough. He's been okay with me waking him up screaming every night, although maybe not as comforting as I might have wished. He talks about himself far too much but I've been used to that for a while. I wish I could speak a bit more. I wish I could open up to him and start to feel comfortable. But you never know... I might get there.

Today is Australia Day and there's going to be a big party on the beach so Angelo and I are going to head out there this afternoon. It should be fun.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 27<strong>**th**** January**

**15:11**

**Hemmingway Hotel**

I am so hungover! Angelo and I ended up partying all day yesterday and well into the evening. I drank so much that I'm surprised I didn't hurl. But the sex was okay last night. I mean, it was clumsy but I enjoyed it a bit more than normal. Maybe I need to be wasted in order to get happily laid!? I don't know. I feel pretty shitty today though. Neither of us can face food. We can't even face the beach! Too much sunshine!

I've tried to get in touch with Ruby but she isn't answering her phone. I hope she didn't have as eventful a night as I did! She's still a baby, after all. My baby. I miss her. I've enjoyed this trip for the most part but I'm very much looking forward to getting home and spending time with my little girl. And you never know, maybe one day she'll move back in with me. Wouldn't that be awesome?

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 28<strong>**th**** January**

**12:04**

**The Beach**

I still can't get in touch with Ruby. She hasn't returned any of my calls and Irene didn't pick up the phone either. Angelo keeps telling me not to worry and to enjoy what's left of our holiday but it's not exactly easy. I know Ruby and I don't have the relationship we used to have but she at least usually returns my calls. What if something's wrong? I'm worried. I can't help it.

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 28<strong>**th**** January**

**14:24**

**The Beach**

It looks like I was worrying about nothing, which is a relief. I spoke to Rubes this morning and she said that everything is fine – she's just been busy with Geoff. Angelo has been gloating a little about being right but I didn't expect anything different! He's lovely but he has a real arrogant streak sometimes. But still, being with him, arrogant or not, is better than nothing. I mean, what else have I got?

I'm probably being too harsh. I mean, it's actually been really nice to spend time with him for the last fortnight. I thought it was going to be too intense for the two of us to have nothing but each other and at times, it has been, but otherwise it's been really nice. We've had nice dinners, a few laughs, mostly decent sex. It's been relaxing to be away from the Bay and all the problems there. I'm still having nightmares pretty severely but I'm getting through it. I'm really trying my best.

We're back to reality tomorrow. Apart from my negotiated phone calls with Ruby, we've blocked out the world. We've avoided radios and newspapers and pretended the outside world didn't exist. It's been fun. And today or tomorrow, we'll find out what the future holds.

Part of me is really anxious and wants him to stay around. I'm not in love with him but I am used to him. And I know that, regardless of what I do, say or feel, he will always be there. I've rejected him so many times and in so many ways and yet he always comes back for more. I have never told him I love him but he's said it to me a couple of times and he doesn't even seem to object to my lack of expression of feeling. He's a nice guy and he cares about me. Maybe I need to just grow up and appreciate instead of wishing for something more, something different.

We all know what I'm wishing for, although I'm not breaking my own rule by discussing it in here until I am back home, at least. You never know, I might go even longer without mentioning Joey. Shit. I just ruined that, didn't I? I guess it's just a sad fact that she's never been far from my mind in all this time. From the moment I met her, I loved her and I believe I always will.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 31<strong>**st**** January**

**21:48**

**Home**

What a shitty few days! Talk about come back to earth with a bump! I don't even know how to begin to explain.

Well, it turns out that Angelo and I missed a hell of a lot while we were away. For starters, the town has been struggling in the aftermath of the Hugo thing. A lot of people were walking around like ghosts anyway, only for things to get worse. Ruby got bent out of shape about some horrible newspaper articles complaining about Hugo's victims getting free medical care. On top of that, she got a bee in her bonnet about that horrible John Palmer and called him a racist so he threatened to sue her for defamation of character.

While all of this was going on and, following on from the Christmas party, Hazem asked Leah out on a date. After being rather coy, she agreed and they had a drink together, only to get hassled by John accusing him of shoddy workmanship at the gym. They ended up going for dinner at our place and had a really nice time together. They went for a picnic the next day and in a rather random turn of events, Xavier and Romeo got into trouble with the police for trying to steal their hamper or something weird like that. To be honest, I'm not even going to ask!

Ruby then organised a rally to be held on Australia Day outside the Diner. Unfortunately, it was plagued by a load of drunken racists who got violent. Poor Hazem and Leah got caught up in it all and Hazem was literally beaten to within an inch of his life. They were rescued by Alf, Ruby and Geoff who took them into the Diner but unfortunately, things only got worse. The bastards started a siege and have literally burned down the Diner. Alf, Leah, Hazem, Geoff, my darling Ruby and Colleen were all trapped inside.

From what I've been told, Alf and Geoff did their best to put the fire out but it quickly grew out of control. Ruby phoned the police but they were all caught up with an incident elsewhere. Leah and Colleen were trying to save Hazem's life and at least they succeeded. But part of the ceiling fell in and would probably have killed Ruby if Geoff hadn't bravely leapt in the way. He's damaged his shoulder pretty badly and Ruby told me that he's likely to have a pretty hefty scar for the rest of his life. Ironically, by the time the police arrived, John was the one outside, trying to calm everyone down. And I think Miles tried to help too. Hazem, Geoff and the others were all taken to hospital.

I had dinner with Ruby tonight and she was pretty shaken up. She said that Geoff is being really off with her, really snappy. And she feels very guilty about it all. I've tried to explain that it wasn't her fault and she can't take responsibility for the drunken violence perpetrated by those bastards. Personally, I think her only 'crime' was to be naive about trying to save the day and speak up for those without a voice. But I fail to see how that could be a bad thing. She cares about people. Why should she be ashamed of that?

Leah doesn't seem to be coping all that well, to be honest. I haven't seen much of her really but her business is in ruins and she's kind of floating round the house, depressed and uncommunicative. She mumbled something to me this evening, when I got back from dinner, about something bad happening to every guy she likes. She hasn't had the best of luck, I must admit. Tony and Irene brought her home from the hospital on the Thursday and she demanded to be taken immediately to the Diner. She said it's an absolute wreck. She seems utterly heartbroken. I wish there was something I could do to make it better.

Hazem is stable but in critical condition and has been transferred to a hospital in the city where he can receive proper care. Apparently he will need a hell of a lot of rehab and it will be a long road to getting back on his feet again. Poor guy.

There was a big news item about the riot the following evening. They interviewed people like Colleen, Martha, Miles, Alf, Aden and Nicole. Alf seems to be pretty down about the whole thing. Angelo had a drink with him last night and said that he's handed over management of the bait shop to Aden, stepped back from the Surf Club Committee and is even considering leaving town, maybe forever. I really hope he doesn't. I mean, Summer Bay without Alf Stewart? How could that ever be a good thing!?

And as for me and Angelo... where do I even start? We had a nice last day of our holiday and left it as late as we could get away with before we left. I fell asleep on the beach and had a nightmare. I _think _Angelo was trying to be sympathetic but he made a hash of it. He kept going on about how good he's feeling about life at the moment and how our trip was exactly what he needed. He said that he was really happy to have me all to himself although I think there might have been a barbed comment about me using the phone. I let it slide and tried to be really happy about our lives and our relationship. We were both pretty anxious about him being transferred, although we'd decided not to pre-empt any decisions.

I fell asleep again on the drive home and woke up after another bad dream, to find that Angelo had pulled over and was drinking coffee on the bonnet. I got out to join him and he got all sappy and emotional. I hope I reacted correctly. I'm not all that good with feelings and stuff. He said that he didn't want to leave me and rejected my idea of a long distance relationship. To be honest, that would have suited me quite well but he didn't think it would be good enough. He wanted to stay in the Bay with me and with the people who have finally forgiven him for killing Jack. He was a little bitter about how the police have treated him. I do get his point to a degree but they also bailed him out of jail, where he should have had to stay for years. They gave him a second chance and I can't help but think he should be more grateful.

I thanked him for an amazing trip, which may have been an exaggeration but it was nice in it's way and he seemed to appreciate the sentiment. Then we looked at a newspaper for the first time in a fortnight and learnt all about the riot back in the Bay. That certainly brought us crashing back to earth.

We stopped off at the police station on the way home and got caught up on the legalities of the siege, which we've had to start dealing with this weekend. Angelo got talking to John too and he gave him a bit of information about what happened. We came back to my place and found that Leah had left a letter addressed to Angelo and it was pretty obvious that it contained information about his new posting. We decided to leave it and finished the day by going to bed together. I still feel wrong when I have sex with him at home. I feel like every time I'm cheating more on Joey. That's weird, isn't it?

Later that night, Angelo got up to get a glass of water and I found him fingering the envelope. We decided to open it after all, only to find that he wasn't being sent away after all. He is being stationed permanently at Yabbie Creek so he'll be sticking around. I'm happy. I think. I might have expressed more joy than I felt. But no, I mean... well, I am happy. I am. I want Angelo and I to stay together, even if things have got even more complimented since Friday night.

Yesterday morning, Angelo and I had breakfast together and ended up late for work because we had a quick bunk up. I keep hoping that if I throw myself into it properly then it will start to feel right. And sometimes, I feel happy and comfortable with him. But mostly, something always feels just that little bit off – and not just in the bedroom. I mean, generally. And I honestly don't know what to do about it.

Oh, and his new theory is that I wasn't having nightmares because of the horrific time I had with Hugo. He thinks it was transference – I was dwelling on nearly being murdered because I was actually stressed about the thought of leaving my poor, darling Angelo. I agreed with him but mostly, I just wanted to laugh. I mean, could a person get more full of himself? Actually, I did have bad dreams last night. He was just so flat out that he didn't notice. I declined to tell him that and I tried to keep things merry and happy but I admit I was a little irritated.

Anyway we arrived at work and I was promoted to Leading Senior Constable. I was all proud of myself until Angelo skipped about four ranks and got promoted to Sergeant! That should have been my job! Surely!? I mean, isn't getting out of jail free enough reward for his mission? I know I should be happy. I mean, he's my boyfriend and I care about him. I should be happy and supportive and I did try but mostly I just feel pissed off. He noticed, of course and kept challenging me about it. I used all the avoidance tactics I could think of and kept making ill timed boss jokes that he really didn't appreciate. No sense of humour, that one...

Anyway, we arranged to go and celebrate that evening, although we didn't actually make it that far. I kept referring to his promotion and ignoring my own pathetic one, which again, didn't impress him too much. I avoided going to lunch with him and I left my 'boss' to lead Alf and Geoff through their interview. We'd printed off pictures of a few suspects but everything happened so fast that night that neither of them could remember who was involved. I did take the time to thank Geoff for saving Ruby though. I don't know what I would have done if she had been seriously hurt.

Angelo kept challenging me and I tried to say that I was thrown at first but that I was fine about it. Even as self absorbed as he is, he didn't buy it. I feel bad because I should be more supportive and I swear I'm going to try from now on. I came home and waited for Angelo, who was late because he had a few beers with Alf to try and cheer the poor guy up. Rather than going out in the end though, Angelo and I spent some time talking at home. He told me that it's okay and understandable to feel hard done by and admitted that that's exactly how I feel. I feel ashamed because I know I should be more supportive. He's my partner, after all and we've actually been together for over five months now, which I think is a big deal, personally. I mean, I might not be all that happy generally but at least I'm in a mostly functional relationship and at least I'm trying hard to make it work. I apologised for how I felt and he was understanding.

We went out for drinks in the Surf Club, as planned and even Martha was more supportive and happy for him and his promotion than I was. It was a pretty flat night really and even though we ordered champagne, it just didn't feel like a celebration. I've got to be more supportive or I'm going to lose him. I have to stop behaving like a bitch and be a proper, supportive girlfriend. We're only a week away from hitting our six month anniversary and it'll be a first for me. He's never going to be the love of my life but I don't want this to be over yet.

He wanted to spend the night with me tonight but I had already pre-arranged my dinner with Ruby and she's always going to come first as far as I'm concerned. That's the way it should be. We had a nice time together and I confessed my feelings about Angelo's promotion and everything. She's feeling pretty down about Geoff but she's doing her best. She likened his behaviour to when she tried to shut us all out about her diabetes so she is trying to make allowances. I hope they work it out.

In other news, Romeo's never before mentioned sister, Mink has shown up in town. She's moved into the house with him, Miles, Alf and Nicole. And she's already causing trouble. John insulted Romeo so she punched him in the face! And Gina has made it very clear that she doesn't like her either. Apparently Mink has only just been let out of a youth detention centre for killing her step-father or something like that.

Ruby said that Gina and Xavier had to sit poor Brendan down and explain that Hugo has died. I gather he took it pretty hard. The poor kid (Xavier), came round yesterday and basically apologised to me for what Hugo did. I felt so sorry for him. It wasn't his fault. He shouldn't feel like he has to take responsibility for his brother's mistake. He even offered me money! I turned him down of course and I hoped I helped him feel better about things. Hugo was evil, plain and simple. The last thing poor Xavier needs is to shoulder his brother's crimes.

Also, Liam fell off the wagon and ended up in hospital, high on drugs. Apparently he took himself there and even turned himself into the police. He was given a fine but seems to be back to normal now. And I gather there is a friendship developing between him and Martha. And in better news, it looks like Liam and Aden have finally cleared the air. And things seem to be going pretty well for Aden and Nicole now, although she didn't get into Uni with her exam results and will probably have repeat her final year at high school.

Anyway, I feel like I've been writing for hours so I'm going to close now and say goodnight to a really difficult few days. I'm desperately hoping that everything will feel better in the morning.

* * *

><p><em>Next time… everyone but Charlie thinks living with Angelo is a great idea, Geoff breaks Ruby's heart and Alf and Leah struggle in the wake of the riot…<em>


	90. Chapter 90

_A big, long chapter for you today! Love, IJKS xxx_

**Chapter Ninety**

**Monday 1****st**** February 2010**

**18:07**

**Home**

Today was a pretty long shift and I'm glad to be home. Leah is really down at the moment because of what happened at the Diner but she doesn't seem to want to talk to me. I offered to cancel my plans with Angelo and spend the evening with her but she didn't seem interested. She hurried off to her room pretty quickly and I gather she plans to stay there. Angelo is coming here first and we've got dinner reservations in town.

I moved offices today. It makes no sense that me, a mere Leading Senior Constable, has her own office when Sergeant Rosetta is working at any old desk. He protested a lot but I moved my stuff anyway. He was pretty pissed off about it but petulance aside, it is true that he'll need his own, private space in his new role.

He tried to challenge me about it but Watson and I got called to the caravan park. Some kid vandalised Colleen's caravan with spray paint and Miles caught him red handed. I wasn't very professional, to be honest. I laid into him and Watson had to call me off. And later, I snapped pretty badly at poor Watson, who was only trying to empathise with me about the promotions. I really should apologise.

I moved my stuff out of the office when Angelo was out on a case and he forced me to talk to him. I apologised for how I've been treating him and admitted that I feel bad that Martha was happier for him than I have been. I really want to try and do better. He actually said that he wished he hadn't been given the promotion because of all the upset it has caused. He said he wanted us to go back to how happy we were on holiday. I told him that I wanted that too and we're really going to try and work on it. He told me how much I mean to him, which was actually quite touching. I really hope we can work through this. The holiday wasn't perfect but it was the best we've been and I want to get back to that. I want to try and be happy.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 2<strong>**nd**** February**

**12:39**

**The Beach**

I think my head is going to explode. Everything seemed to be back on tracks and now... now I'm panicking.

Angelo came round last night and we had a quickie before dinner, although it was surprisingly not that quick and we were late for the restaurant. They let us in but we got the glare reserved for people without a sense of punctuality or posh restaurant etiquette.

Anyway, we were running around getting ready, while I was trying to pack my stuff to stay at his place when he blurted out that he thinks we should move in together. I mean, seriously!? We've not even been together for six months yet! How could we even think of that? And we've had a really rough few days too. I've been really horrible to him. What the hell is his problem that he has to suggest something like that? I am so not ready. No way.

Unfortunately, while all of this was charging through my brain, I wasn't quite able to make the words come out of my mouth. I haven't agreed as such, but I haven't disagreed and he's taken that to mean that we're doing it. He's so bloody excited. How can I tell him that I'd rather die than move in with him – or anyone for that matter? I mean, I lived with Joey for about thirty seconds and that was wonderful but it doesn't mean I want to take that step with someone else. In fact, it makes me want to take that step with someone else ever less. Joey was the only person I could have handled preparing for a future with. Even with my hang ups about sexuality and everything, for the two weeks we spent together, I knew I wanted to be with her always. Unfortunately, I fucked everything up before I truly understood that.

Anyway, we went to dinner and while he got all excited about house hunting, I made the suggestion that he should just move into my place. I am certain that Leah will object so I'm hoping that will be a get out of jail free card. Here's hoping anyway! I stayed at his place last night and although it's nice there, I do not want to live there permanently. And I do not want to live with him at all. No way. This is a disaster!

He's spent most of the morning nagging me about asking Leah but with the Diner out of action, I've managed to delay a bit and said that I will speak to her when I get in tonight. I just hope she doesn't go for it. I mean, what if she says yes? What will my excuse be now? The only person I want under my roof before too long is my daughter. It's definitely not my boyfriend. I can feel a panic attack coming on just thinking about it!

In other news, Alf is still wandering around Summer Bay like a ghost. It's really sad to see him like this. He's so strong and capable and he has such a good heart. Everyone seems to be really worried about him, especially Martha, Tony, Rachel, Angelo and Miles. Apparently he and Miles had a big row last night. I hope he can recover from all of this soon.

Liam and Martha also seem to be spending a lot of time together. She's grieving for Hugo (I assume) and he's just had his heart broken by Nicole (although I gather he deserved it) so maybe they are seeking solace in each other.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 3<strong>**rd**** February**

**23:04**

**Home**

What a long and shitty day. I don't even know where to begin, to be honest. It started with a phone call from Angelo, nagging me about asking Leah if he can move in or not. She was already in bed and wouldn't surface when I eventually arrived home last night and in all honesty, I wasn't about to break her door down to ask a question I don't really want the answer to – in case she said yes. Which she has.

I spoke to her this morning and she was in her dressing gown. I'm pretty worried about her at the moment. She just seems so down and lost. When I got back tonight, she hadn't even got dressed. But I don't really know what I'm meant to do about it. Miles arrived just as I was leaving so I'm hoping she had a nice chat with him at least. And I gather that Ruby and Geoff also visited but she pretty much threw them out after a few minutes. I'm desperately worried about her and I wonder how many people she's shutting out of her life. I certainly can't get through to her. Every time I try to talk things through, she says she's tired and wants to go to bed.

Anyway, I broached the subject with her and while she was all supportive, thinking it was a great idea and that having two cops in the house would be fantastic, I threw up all the problems I could think of. When I arrived at work, it was of course the first thing that Angelo asked me. And I confess that I lied. I told him that Leah didn't want two cops in the house, both coming and going at different times. He bought it and suggested that I moved in with him. That's when I came up with the idea of us moving out into a completely new place. At least that way, I can stall for time! When I mentioned something like it being good for us to move into neutral territory, he made a joke about me planning for war. I think I laughed so nervously and high pitched that only dogs could hear me! Angelo certainly didn't notice.

At lunch time, he kept coming up with all sorts of suggestions about the apartments we could look at and I think he got a little frustrated when I kept finding faults in all of them. I thought I was going to die of heart failure when he started talking about actually buying a place together! I tried to explain that if we're going to do this, then we should do it right and should therefore not be in a hurry but he didn't get it.

Later, he quizzed me on how excited I was about our (his) decision and was utterly deflated when I said my level of excitement was seven out of ten. He said that he was a ten and was worried that we weren't the same place. He seems utterly perplexed that I think this whole thing is a really big step to take. He believed that it's just a natural progression of our relationship. We're totally coming at this from different angles and I don't know how to tell him that I'm not ready and probably never will be.

I saw Ruby much later this evening and she seems to be having a lot of problems with Geoff. He hasn't been the same since the riot and he's being really snappy with her. Normally, I would want to deck any guy who treats my Ruby badly but I gather that this wouldn't be helpful. Apparently he snapped at her today and made out that he thinks the riot was her fault. And he keeps seeing one of the thugs around town and he's struggling not to confront him. I told her to get him to come to the station and tell me about it officially but she said she already suggested that and he said no. He is concerned about his inability to forgive people for what they did and feels very angry all the time. He seems pretty lost and she's very worried about him.

It seems that Ruby turned to Irene and then Xavier (of all people) first, which hurts a little. I know I've been kind of caught up in my own stuff lately but I hope she knows that I would always make time for her. Nothing is more important to me than Ruby. And it just makes me feel sad that we've fallen so out of sync with each other. But at least she came to me eventually. Maybe she saved the best for last? I doubt it, but it's still a nice thought!

She said that Xavier is struggling with his own issues at the moment. Gina has an objection to him hanging out with Romeo's sister, Mink. Apparently she was in a juvenile detention centre for killing her abusive step-father. Apparently he was about to kill Romeo so she killed him or something. I'm not going to get involved but all I can say is that I can connect with wanting to destroy someone who's trying to destroy you. I mean, does Grant ring a bell at all? And I felt largely the same about Robbo too. So I'm definitely not about to judge the poor kid. And I'm surprised that Gina is – if she even knows about that. Ruby said that Xavier had only just found out the truth himself and was still trying to process it when she went round to sound off to him.

In better news, it looks like Alf is finally back to his old self. He went fishing with Tony this morning and from the glimpses I've caught of him today, he seems a lot brighter and a lot more smiley. I'm relieved. When someone as stable as him is in a bad place, it kind of shakes your faith in the world!

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 4<strong>**th**** February**

**22:22**

**Home**

Rachel thinks Leah has developed agoraphobia. I came home briefly after work and found her a little better than yesterday but still mostly a mess. She said that Rachel came round yesterday and she finally admitted everything she's been feeling. She has avoided visiting Hazem, even though, according to his mother, he has been asking for her. And she hasn't left the house for a week. She said that she is terrified of everything around her and every time she even thinks about going out, she has a panic attack and feels like the world is closing in on her. She feels guilty about what happened to Hazem, as if it was her fault and Rachel has suggested counselling and anti-depressants, which she is reluctantly considering.

I feel pretty shitty about the fact that I've been living with her all this time and I didn't realise how bad it was. I've been so consumed with Angelo and all that drama that, although I knew she was down, I didn't appreciate the extent of what she's been going through. I like to think I'm a pretty caring person but I guess I've had blinkers on over the past week.

First, I was stressing about whether Angelo was going to be allowed to stay in the Bay or not. And then, when he was stationed here for good, I was put out over his promotion. And after we made up, I've been panicking about his desire for us to move in together. And I feel like I've let my friends down. We've agreed to spend some proper time at the weekend and I'm determined to stick to it.

She's spent the evening with Miles tonight, who came round earlier in the day, determined to help her try and recover from everything. They're pretty much best friends so I think if anyone can help her, then it'll be him, I'm sure. He's such a great guy.

I spent my evening with a heartbroken Ruby. Things went from bad to worse with Geoff today and he has broken up with her. She said she found him in the Surf Club and got caught up in a fight between him and a lifeguard, who he believes was involved in the riot. John, of all people, had to help break it up. The police were called and Avery gave Geoff a bit of a talking to but let him off with a warning. And without proof that the lifeguard was involved in the riot, there's really very little we can do.

Anyway, Ruby tried to talk to Geoff again and was about to go off on a rant about the riot before Geoff cut in and ended their relationship. She's devastated, of course so I took her out for dinner in order to talk things through. I hope I was helpful to her. She seemed grateful for the time and I wanted, more than anything, to bring her home with me and have the chance to mother her a little bit. I still hope that that will be an option for the future.

And that's another concern when it comes to this Angelo thing. If we get a place together, will there be room for Ruby to come home to me? Will Angelo want her to be there? Will Ruby want to be there? If I have to choose between the two of them, I know exactly who I'll pick.

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 5<strong>**th**** February**

**16:32**

**Work**

Ruby just called me. She was in tears and has invited Angelo and I round for dinner with her and Irene tonight. Geoff has left town. They parted on good terms but naturally, she is devastated. She overheard him talking to Irene this morning about how he doesn't like the person he has become and wants to do something more worthwhile with his life. So he's decided to go overseas and become a missionary with a view to returning to the Bay to train as a pastor.

He arranged to meet up with Ruby and tell her his plan and then left by bus about half an hour ago. She sounded heartbroken but understanding of his decision. I think it's good that he's so desperate to spend his life doing good deeds and making a difference. I do wish him the best of luck, but I do feel so sad for my poor girl.

I'm happy to have been invited to dinner though. And it's nice that she's included Angelo in the invitation too, although I am worried it might be awkward. I feel a bit on edge around him, even now and I really want to be there for my daughter. Also, things are kind of weird now that I've admitted I'm hesitant about us moving in together. He didn't take it well but he's now being very dismissive of me and my feelings. I think he thinks I'll just get over it and change my mind. I won't. I just don't know how to tell him.

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 6<strong>**th**** February**

**23:58**

**Home**

What a day! I feel like I'm wading through treacle or something! I'm battling with Angelo every moment, I'm worried about Ruby, I'm worried about Leah and I'm trying to be the best that I can be at work.

Angelo and I have reached a compromise and we're now sharing the office together. He fitted two desks in and so far, it works okay, except that he always seems to be in a strop with me. At this point in time, I'm starting to wonder if we're going to make it. Technically, it's our six month anniversary tomorrow and at this rate, I doubt we'll be celebrating at all. I don't even know if he remembers. And I don't know if I've even going to bother bringing it up. This is usually around the time I break up with someone so maybe this is just what we're heading towards. Whatever the case, I do feel kind of sad.

I went round to see Ruby at Irene's last night. Angelo came with me and the four of us had dinner together, listening to my poor girl grieve for her lost relationship with Geoff. She explained things in more detail. Although they still love each other, Geoff told her that he couldn't stay with her. He'd been speaking to the new church pastor and realised that he didn't like the person he'd become. He said he wants to do something of value in his life and that means going away to be a missionary and then train for ministry. He left by bus yesterday afternoon and Ruby and Irene waved him off rather tearfully.

Angelo stayed here last night and then this morning, we went out for a run together. I had the day off but he had a heavy shift ahead of him. And I totally outran him. Joey was always a real challenge whenever we went running together. She was so fast! I struggled to keep up! But I'm clearly the queen of exercise with Angelo. He was miles behind me this morning. And I felt quite smug!

He went on a fair bit about 'our' plan to move in together last night but fortunately shut up when he realised that he was being insensitive to Ruby with her poor, broken relationship. He started banging on about it again this morning on the beach and wanted to look for properties before he went to work. He was dismissive of my feelings on the subject and didn't seem to have cottoned on to my anxieties. He just said that he'd hoped I would have got over it by now.

As soon as we got to the Surf Club, he phoned up about an apartment he really liked last week and was really disappointed to learn that it had gone. He raised the idea of us buying a place again. I promptly choked on my drink and ran out in panic. Fortunately, he had to start his shift so he couldn't follow me. I pretty much ran home, still hyperventilating.

Angelo followed me back and I was still in a state when he showed up. He worried that I had asthma or an allergy or something and then made a crack about it being about us buying a place together. I panicked even more and he rushed to say that he'd only been joking. He was most offended but tried to be nice about it.

I spent some time with Leah and then popped out to get us some food, where I ran into Martha and shared my pathetic tale of woe. She was really supportive and encouraged me to tell Angelo exactly how I feel. I did. But unfortunately, it didn't go all that well.

We'd arranged to have dinner at my place with Ruby and I tried to explain how I felt. He was really moody about everything and I'm not sure I explained myself very well. He said that I was talking as if I didn't think we had a future and I had to be honest. I didn't say I didn't want a future with him but I did point out that neither of us know where the relationship is going. It's not like we can see the future. I admitted that I was terrified of moving in with him and that didn't feel right for me at this point in my life. I couldn't tell him that I loved him because I don't, but I did say that I love being with him, which I think is pretty close. He was really annoyed and didn't understand why I can't take this step with him. To him, it's natural progression and to me, it's a gigantic leap.

I started making dinner and he downed a beer pretty quickly before deciding that he wasn't going to stick around. I asked him to stay but it's clear that he was intent on punishing me. Ruby arrived just as he was leaving and we ended up spending most of the night discussing the issue. Offensively, Ruby is on his side. She thinks Angelo and I living together is great idea and she is most stunned that after everything that happened last year with Grant and Hugo and all of that, moving in with my boyfriend is the thing that's bringing on panic attacks. I guess she has a point but... it just doesn't feel right. I can't help it!

She told me that Angelo loves me to death and thinks I should go for it before she cottoned onto the fact that I've never lived with a boyfriend. I _have _lived with a girlfriend but I chose that moment not to bring it up. I do not need that discussion right now. My head is messy enough as it is. I don't need Joey to be a topic of conversation – not even with Ruby and especially not with Angelo. He'd probably dump me again if he realised that I'd lived with my one time female partner when I won't make that kind of commitment with him. Although, in fairness, look where that particular relationship ended up!

I maintained that I didn't want to live with Angelo and that I can't breathe whenever I think about it. And I need to breathe! I wish she would understand. Ruby taking Angelo's side on all of this just makes me feel even worse. Am I a freak for not wanting to move in with him? Or is it just my way of pointing out to myself that I don't love him, I never will and my heart will always belong to a beautiful deckhand who left town in order to get away from me?

Speaking of relationships, it looks like Martha and Liam are tentatively making a go of things. He's moved into the farm and she says they're getting along really well and having fun together. Her strength amazes me, I must admit. She's never quite recovered from losing poor Jack and then of course, she's been through hell with Hugo. I'm a little concerned. Liam is far from the most uncomplicated person she could hook up with but she knows what she's doing. And if he makes her happy, then good luck to her.

Oh, and it looks like Gina and John are back on track. Martha said that they had lunch together today. They haven't been seen together for a little while – well, since the whole Hugo debacle so it'll be nice if they can fix things. I'm not a John fan but I think Gina makes him a much nicer person.

And in some fantastic news, Miles has made some real progress with Leah. They did some breathing exercises yesterday and he managed to get her to walk as far as the beach. I'm really proud of her and she was pretty pleased with herself too. I spent a bit of time with her today and Miles collected her later in the evening to have her round to dinner at his place. It's nice that he's taking care of her, although I wish I could do more.

It's especially at times like this that I miss Joey so desperately. For Leah's sake, more than anything. She would have been absolutely amazing at helping Leah work things out. I know she would have been gentle and kind with her and she would have held her hand every step of the way. If only I hadn't messed up and she hadn't left, or if only she had come back when she said she would... life in Summer Bay would be so much before for everyone. Especially me. I miss her so much.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 7<strong>**th**** February**

**19:18**

**Home**

Well, today is meant to be my six month anniversary with Angelo and I don't even know we're even still in a relationship. That's how spectacularly I mess everything up! I just wish I knew where we stood and honestly, I have no earthly idea.

At work, Angelo behaved like a petulant child for the most part. He made a point of ignoring me and when he did speak to me, he was really snappy. I tried to talk to him and apologised for hurting him – I was just trying to be honest. He said he was mostly disappointed and then stated that I would get over my fear eventually and that we'd probably be living together within the next few months. I could have left it at that and bought myself time but having been honest so far, I knew it had to carry on. I explained that I didn't think my feelings would change that quickly but rather than being a grown up and actually talking about it, he snapped at me and stormed off.

We had lunch together a planned and his frustration grew when I admitted that I didn't see myself living with or marrying a partner. I kept quiet about the fact that I had planned all of those kinds of things with Joey. That definitely won't help the situation. I claimed that it wasn't a case of never but that at the moment, it wouldn't be a scenario I was comfortable with.

We got interrupted by a call out and to be honest, I leapt at the chance to escape. Angelo grumpily joined me and we had a pretty much silent car ride. We dealt with the situation and finally talked on the way back.

He pulled over and asks if I was breaking up with him. I told him that I wasn't, that I cared deeply about him and didn't mean to upset him but that I just needed to be honest about where I was at in our relationship. I said that I felt like he was punishing me and suggested that if moving in with a girlfriend is that important to him, maybe he should be thinking about ending things with me. He got stroppy again and we drove back to the station in silence.

He left work in a pretty bad mood and didn't make plans to see me. He hasn't even mentioned our anniversary. And I can't help but wonder if he's reacting this badly to me not wanting us to live together, how the hell would he react if he knew how I really felt about him – or more specifically, how I still feel about Joey. I don't think he'd ever talk to me again!

I do understand where he's coming from but there's a very strong sense of him throwing all his toys out the pram because he can't get his own way and I'm not succumbing to his every demand. It would be easier to just go with it and do what he wants but I know it would kill us. I know I'd be unhappy.

Hang on, Ruby's ringing me. Please hold.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 7<strong>**th**** February**

**20:32**

**Home**

Ruby called to tell me that she and Angelo spoke today. She said he was really down about everything and she admitted to discussing it all with him. She also confessed to blurting out that the one partner I've ever live with was Joey and said 'look how far you went to mess that up'. I tried not to cry at the memory of losing the woman I love. I know she was trying to help but to be honest, she failed. I just feel worse about everything. And apparently during their conversation, he remembered our anniversary so I'm left wondering if he's going to get in touch tonight or not. And I don't know if I even want him to.

She's feeling pretty down about Geoff at the moment. Apparently he called Irene last night while she was with me and although he asked after her, I think it just rammed home that they're over. I wish I could protect her from heartbreak but I guess that's just an unhappy fact of life. She did, however, spend a lot of the day with Xavier, which is an interesting turn of events.

She told me that she went to the beach to read a book but struggled to concentrate so when Xavier came to say hello, she invited him to join her. She said she got a chance to talk about Geoff and Xavier was very mature and empathetic. They even apologised to each other for how their own relationship ended, which was probably a really good step.

Then that Mink girl interfered, which Ruby was kind of pissed off about. She kept winding them both up, saying that Xavier had talked about Ruby and her beautiful eyes. She does have beautiful eyes. They're like my Mum's. But anyway, she made out that Xavier has been ignoring her because he's in love with Ruby or something and so now, she's feeling pretty confused. Fortunately, Romeo dragged Mink away before she could say much else.

Apparently he visited her this evening and apologised for what Mink said. He told her that he didn't mention her eyes but then added that they are beautiful, which is nice. I know I objected to their relationship when the first got together and I would think it was all a bit quick if they reunited at this stage, but he's a good kid. And I think they would make each other happy if they tried to make it work a second time.

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Charlie and Angelo cannot get along, Leah visits Hazem and they part as friends while Aden and Nicole have problems…<em>


	91. Chapter 91

_I hope everyone had a lovely weekend! Love, IJKS xxx_

**Chapter Ninety One**

**Monday 8****th**** February**

**13:11**

**The Beach**

Judging by the fact that I'm spending my lunch writing in here, alone on the beach, you can safely and accurately guess that things are no better with Angelo. Sharing an office with him is hell. If he talks to me at all then he's snapping and generally being very rude.

I don't know what to do. I've considered just giving in and agreeing to what he wants to do but then I think, no, why the hell should I? It's not a crime not to feel ready to live with someone, is it? And with the way he's behaving, do I really want to tie myself to him and make more of a commitment? He's acting like a stroppy child and to be honest, it's doing my head in. I just can't figure out a way forward on this.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 9<strong>**th**** February**

**18:30**

**Home**

I'm going to be home alone for the next few nights. VJ is still with Stella and Miles has taken Leah into the city to visit Hazem. She was pretty nervous about it but I think it will do her some good. I think it's quite brave of her, considering all the problems she's having at the moment. I really hope it goes well.

Normally, I'd take advantage of being alone by having Angelo round but he's still being monosyllabic and I don't really know how to talk to him. He just seems so angry with me all the bloody time. I feel like I've done something terrible by not wanting to live with him. And the last time I checked, I was sure wanting to take things slowly wasn't a crime! And I should know. I'm a cop. And a better one than he is for a start! Not that you'd know it in our station, what with him being promoted to fucking Sergeant… I'm evidently not over that, am I?!

Irene has started working at the Surf Club, although from the sounds of it, she's mostly just getting under poor Alf's feet. I guess that's what happens when you get two people used to being in positions of authority working together. It could certainly be colourful! She's at a loose end with the Diner being shut, especially now that Geoff has gone too. She only has Ruby left in the house. And that, in turn makes _me _feel lost and sad. Irene shouldn't have Ruby. Ruby should still be mine. But anyway...

What else has been going on? I saw Xavier having a big row with Mink yesterday. Clearly she is continuing to relish causing trouble. She and Romeo are very different people!

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 10<strong>**th**** February**

**17:00**

**Home**

Leah is staying in the city with Miles for another night. She texted to say that the visit went well and that Hazem was really pleased to see her. She is still very on edge and troubled but she's doing her best. I'm really proud of her.

I think I'm going to head into the city for the weekend and visit Dad and Morag. I'll call Ruby and see if she wants to come with me. It'll be her last chance to visit before things get buy at school. Plus, it will be really nice to spend time with her. I'm desperate to get to Dad's at least once a month now. None of us know how long he'll have left, either in body or in mind so I want to be with him as much as I can.

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 11<strong>**th**** February**

**22:40**

**Home**

I'm really getting bored of Angelo ignoring me. It's irritating and frustrating and I wish he'd just grow up and actually have a conversation with me. It's Valentine's Day in a few days and I don't even know if I still have a boyfriend. I mean, even if it's over, I'd just like to know. But he blanks me at work and he ignores my calls. It's really pissing me off.

At least I'm not the only person in a bad mood though! Alf would be tearing his hair out over working with Irene, if he had any. That's mean. But I couldn't help it. He's such a nice guy and they're really good friends but I gather that working together is not a good move. She seems to be driving him crazy!

And Aden and Nicole both look like they have the weight of the world on their shoulders. Every time I see them at the moment, they look distracted and disinterested in the world. It's a real shame. I thought things were working out between them.

In better news, Leah came home from the hospital and seems to have got a lot of things sorted in her head. She told me that she met his mother who was very welcoming and friendly, although she seemed convinced that Leah and Hazem were in a long term, committed relationship. She even offered Leah a place to stay while Hazem is in hospital. Naturally, Leah started panicking – I mean, they'd only been on a couple of dates before all of this happened.

Leah said that she really cared for Hazem but the relationship was obviously too new for either of them to know if it was going to go somewhere. She was very unsure about what to do. On the one hand, it's too soon to plunge into what would be a difficult relationship, and on the other, she feels guilty for abandoning him. She decided to pledge her commitment to him but fortunately, he gave her a way out. He understood that it was too soon for them to try and make a go of things in light of what had happened. He has a long while of rehab and stuff to go through before he will be back on his feet. He added that when he was better, he would return to Summer Bay and look her up. So, they parted as friends and she seemed a lot more peaceful by the time she arrived home.

Oh, and who would have thought it but John was the secret hero of the hour that night. Tony had told him that the gym was failing in part because people had decided he was a racist. He decided to go to the city to see Hazem, where Leah immediately laid into him, blaming him for what happened. But then Hazem told everyone that John was the person who saved his life. When he and Leah got separated outside the Diner, the rioters were kicking the shit out of him and it was John who pulled them away. He saved his life. And all this time, he just let people have a go at him and call him names. He let them judge him when all along, he had done something good. You've got to admire the humility really. And on top of that, he stopped by just now and apologised for his role in the lead up to the riot. He said he should have worked harder to get the crowd under control and admitted that he was quite unhelpful when Ruby was trying to rally support and everything. He has also contributed a fair bit of cash to Hazem's medical bills, which is kind. Maybe he's not such a bad guy after all?

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 12<strong>**th**** February**

**16:07**

**The Beach**

Angelo is still ignoring me. I don't even know if I care anymore. I won't make plans for Valentine's Day, that's for sure. If he thinks he's going to win me round by behaving like a total dick then he's got another thing coming.

Work was fine, minus my 'boyfriend' stropping around all the time. And I just met up with Ruby who was being particularly entertaining. She's all bent out of shape about Nicole and Aden. Apparently Nicole showed up at Irene's in a total state about her relationship. She feels really insecure because Aden is constantly keeping a physical distance between them. Ruby has told her that she needs to be honest and talk things through with him and I agree. So many things go wrong because people don't communicate. I'd take my own advice but I can only communicate so far. A one sided conversation isn't really all that helpful.

Why is it that the wastes of space I end up with hang around forever and the one person who was actually good for me, left so quickly I barely had a chance to say goodbye? I wonder what she's doing right now... Joey, I still miss you so much.

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 13<strong>**th**** February**

**11:23**

**The Beach**

It would have been my ten month anniversary with Joey today. I wonder if the thirteenth of the month will ever pass without me making note of it. It's so weird to think that this time last year, I was just about to start getting to know her. I feel like my life can be divided into sections.

a) Charlie before Grant

b) Charlie after Grant

c) Charlie before Joey

d) Charlie with Joey

e) Charlie after Joey

I wonder if I will ever stop longing for part D to happen again. I know it won't but I can't quite stop hoping for it. Maybe that's why I'm not clinging to Angelo, desperate to do anything he wants me to in order to keep him. I put Joey through so much shit but she was always so good to me, always so eager to see the best in me, even when it didn't exist. Even when she left me, she did it as gently, honestly and kindly as she could. Why oh why did I have to make such a big mistake?

I ran into Colleen this morning when I went for a work out down at the gym. She was all of a flutter because she caught Liam and Martha about to go at it like bunnies on the kitchen table. Classy! And I bumped into Miles who looked like death warmed up. He didn't look like he'd slept in days and he was so pumped with caffeine that he was behaving pretty erratically. I hope he's okay.

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 13<strong>**th**** February**

**22:03**

**Home**

My day was pretty gentle really. I was glad to be off work. I know Angelo was on shift today and I could really do with the break of having to share an office with him. He's behaving like such a child and to be honest, I'm feeling quite emotional enough today.

Ruby phoned rather triumphantly this evening to say that she thinks she helped solve Aden and Nicole issues. Nicole has been feeling insecure so Ruby gave her a good talking to this morning and sent her off to sort it out. Apparently, it was pretty tricky for a while and Aden struggled to express himself. He said that if he was with someone then, after Belle, it had to be something real and serious because he couldn't tarnish her memory with a fling. Unfortunately, he didn't feel ready to have something so deep and committed and wasn't sure what to do about it. Subsequently, he has been pulling away from Nicole but after they talked it through, he decided that she was worth all the confusion and it looks like they're really going to try and make a go of things. I'm happy for them. I hope it works out.

I spent most of this evening with Leah and she told me that she's really worried about Miles. Apparently, he showed up here this morning and started rambling about some 'freaky little kid' that's staying at the caravan park told him that if he falls asleep, something bad will happen to him. That explains his weird behaviour, I guess. Sometimes I marvel at how bizarre that man gets...

We had quite a nice chat, actually. Obviously it's Valentine's Day tomorrow and we're both single – at least, I _think _I'm single – so we're going to have a girlie night in with Ruby and Irene. I think it should be fun. I could do with a relaxing night with my friends and my baby girl, especially if we get to trash the bastards who have hurt us in our lives. And let's face it, we're all pretty tragic in the romance department these days.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 14<strong>**th**** February**

**17:20**

**Home**

It was a weird day at work today. Angelo seemed to have twigged that it was Valentine's Day and vaguely asked if I wanted to do something later. The conversation kind of went something like this...

Me: Wouldn't that require you to talk to me?

Him: I guess.

Me: You don't sound very keen.

Him: I don't know what to say to a woman I love who clearly doesn't love me.

Me: (Awkward Silence)

Him: See? Stop trying to make out that all of this my fault!

Me: I take it you're retracting your invitation.

Him: Maybe I should. I mean, what's the point?

Me: It's fine. I've got plans with the girls anyway.

Him: Oh yeah, I forgot you like girls too.

Fuckwit. He stormed off after that and we haven't spoken since. I got on with my work and looked forward to this evening. I just thought I'd write it down before I forget it. And now I have so I'm going to close and get on with the evening ahead – hopefully with people who actually care about me.

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Charlie makes contact with Joey as Angelo continues to behave like a child, Charlie and Martha come to Leah's rescue at the Diner reopening and Ruby and Xavier get closer…<em>


	92. Chapter 92

_Hi, everyone. I'm so sorry I disappeared on you for so long and with no warning. Keywords for my absence include: lots and lots of illness, Valentine's mush, Wicked and baby being born! But here is the update I attempted to do last Monday but didn't quite manage. I hope you enjoy it. Love, IJKS xxx_

**Chapter Ninety Two**

**Monday 15****th**** February**

**13:01**

**Home**

It's Leah's thirty first birthday tomorrow. She didn't seem to want to do anything so I've arranged things on her behalf. I was going to surprise her but then I thought she might struggle so I got the go ahead from her this morning and now I've invited Irene, Colleen, Martha, Liam, Rachel, Tony, Ruby, Xavier, Miles and obviously VJ round for a takeaway. I opted not to invite Angelo. Somehow, I didn't think that would go so well.

Last night was fun though. It was just the four of us and we actually had a blast. It was a sober evening, being that Irene is a recovering alcoholic and Ruby is only sixteen but we had so much fun. It felt really good just to relax and enjoy myself and not have to worry about being perfect all the bloody time. I got to bitch about Angelo, which led onto various discussions about all the shitty partners we've all had in the past.

Mostly it was a lot of laughing but we had a few serious moments. Leah despaired at the realisation that bad things tend to happen to guys she dates. Vinnie and Dan both died, Roman went blind and ended up in jail and now Hazem is broken. The only person who got away unscathed was Robertson. I feel really bad for her. I hope she doesn't think it's her. I guess some people are just unlucky.

We ended up talking about first loves and Irene told us a little about her first husband. Ruby sighed regretfully about how she treated Xavier and Leah spoke about Vinnie again. Somewhat excruciatingly, they all turned to me, expecting me to share. I admitted that I've only been in love once and that was with Joey. And I realised, not for the first time, that the one person I dated who was actually perfect for me was the one I destroyed. Mostly guys cheat on me or ditch me or, in the case of Angelo, behave like a child when they don't get their own way. I know Angelo loves me and I know the issue between us is that he wants to be my sun, my moon and my stars. He's dreaming of a future I don't think I can provide. Of the two of us, he's the one with no commitment issues. But he's never loved me the way Joey did. And I will never love him the way I loved her, if at all.

I wonder what she was doing last night. Last time we texted, she said she had a girlfriend. I wonder if they're still together and if she's happy. I hope she's happy. I also wonder if she thinks of me sometimes, maybe even misses me. I hope she does. It was actually quite therapeutic to talk to her. I know Ruby is all for my relationship with Angelo but I also know, once she got her head around everything, that she really believed in my relationship with Joey. She keeps saying that I have to get over my anxieties and make it work with Angelo. I think maybe she's so intent on that because she knows if I'm alone, Joey will be all I think about. What she doesn't seem to have picked up on is that even with Angelo, Joey is constantly on my mind. I wish so badly that I could go back to this time last year and do things differently, do things right.

Anyway, I'd better get my act together. I can't spend the whole day lamenting on my life. I've got the day off and the plan is to go into town with Rubes to shop for Leah's birthday.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 17<strong>**th**** February**

**20:43**

**Home**

It's been a busy few days. Nothing with Angelo has been resolved. He still pretty much ignores me at work and everyone has noticed. Watson tried to talk to me about it today and I'm afraid I snapped at her a bit. That's twice now. I should really apologise. She was only trying to help.

On Monday, I went into town to buy presents and party stuff for Leah with Ruby. We had a nice chat and got some lunch together. She told me that Nicole is starting to panic about going back to school and Romeo decided not to go for it because of Mink's objections. However, when I spoke to her yesterday, she said that Romeo had changed his mind. Apparently he took his enrolment papers round to Gina late on Monday night, ready to start school yesterday. I hope it went well for him and Nicole both. Apparently Mink wants Romeo to be her manager on these surfing tours and competitions that she does but he turned her down. I bet that put her in a good mood!

Ruby went round to see Xavier on Monday night and said they had a very mature game of Snap that Gina ended up joining in with. Xavier had spent the day with Brendan. I love the relationship that they have. On the surface, you'd think Xavier was too cool to play with his special needs brother but it's so clear that he loves him and enjoys spending time with him. It's a lovely thing. I'm convinced that he and Ruby are going to get back together any day now. They hit a bit of a bump in the road when Mink announced that she and Xavier have kissed. But really, Ruby's jealousy only confirms that she still loves him. We didn't get all that much time to talk about it yesterday but I am hoping we'll get to catch up properly soon. I feel like we're getting closer. She did say that Xavier explained that he didn't really kiss Mink back and that he was pretty shocked. I hope they work it out.

I think Leah had a happy birthday yesterday. We all tried to make it as good as possible. VJ provided vast amounts of entertainment, as did Miles. I swear I saw him talking to himself. Anyway, the birthday girl seemed to have a lot of fun. She didn't drink half as much as last year, didn't dance on any tables and didn't throw up over anyone so over all, I'd consider it a success!

Miles regaled us with his brush with death as well! Apparently a ceiling fan came down right where his head would have been if his phone hadn't sounded and woken him up from a nap between classes. Gina had to kick everyone out of school early and check all the fans for health and safety. He seems to be in a better mood now though, which has got to be a good thing.

Things seemed to be a bit tense between Martha and Liam though. I thought they were getting along famously but it all seems to have turned sour pretty quickly. Not that I'm one to talk. He took me aside and thanked me for inviting him though, which I thought was nice. I think I underestimated his confidence levels. I mean, I guess he's made a lot of mistakes during his time in Summer Bay, mostly due to being on and off drugs in a repeated cycle. So if I made him feel good by inviting him to the party then I'm pleased. Oh, and in some good news, Gina has contracted him to run some music lessons from the school. He was also saying that she has encouraged him to pursue his degree in order to teach for real. That would be kind of cool – a former professional rock star teaching music. I'm sure his lessons would be more interesting than the ones we had when I was at school – a worryingly long time ago now...

In other news, Alf seems to be at breaking point when it comes to working with Irene. Fortunately, Leah got the go ahead yesterday so Irene has left the Surf Club in preparation to get started on the new look Diner. I don't know who was more relieved – Irene or Alf! And in light of the reopening, Irene is trying to convince Leah to have a bit of a do. She seems pretty reluctant but I think it'll be good for her. I hope so anyway. I feel so bad for everything she's been through.

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 18<strong>**th**** February**

**15:15**

**The Beach**

It's been another pretty long day. I worked for most of it and tried to talk to Angelo a couple of times but he blanked me. I'm starting to suspect that he thinks if he freezes me out long enough then I'll get over my commitment issues and we ca do everything his way. It's not going to happen. You can't bully someone into feeling something if that's just not the way her heart beats. It annoys me and it also makes me feel really sad.

I did such terrible things to Joey. I made so many mistakes. And if I hadn't fucked another guy behind her back then I know she would have forgiven me the rest of it and we'd be pretty damn happy together now. But it's like I can make the tiniest mistakes with Angelo and he'll immediately start punishing me. And yet he's the person I've been with for six months (since the last time he dumped me) and I barely managed two weeks with a woman I truly loved and who truly loved me. It's kind of pathetic really.

The Diner is opening tomorrow for the first time after the riot. I gather that between Irene, Colleen and John, Leah has reluctantly agreed to have a party for regular customers. I'll be working until the evening tomorrow but I will most definitely make a point of stopping by. I need to show my housemate my support after all.

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 18<strong>**th**** February**

**21:37**

**Home**

I just had a pretty cute phone call from Ruby. She and Xavier are definitely getting closer and she said they're going to the Diner party together. But she is puzzling over whether they've made a date or if they're going together as friends. And she's not sure what she wants it to be. I'd say 'poor kid, being so confused' but let's face it, I'm not doing any better. Ruby is excitedly trying to figure out if she and Xavier are getting back together. And I'm less excitedly trying to figure out if Angelo and I have broken up. It's all very confusing.

She got into a row with Mink this afternoon, apparently. Mink apologised to Xavier this morning and he was worried about being unforgiving. He talked to Ruby about it and then when she saw Mink later, she laid into her about torturing a vulnerable boy who's just lost his brother.

She also said that Liam has started working at the school already running his music elective. I hope it works out for him. I'm not sure where he and Martha are at right now. Last week, when I saw them, they were all happy and friendly with each other. This week, if one of them walks into a room, the other walks out. It all seems a bit awkward to me.

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 19<strong>**th**** February**

**23:49**

**Home**

It's been a busy and interesting day to say the least. I _think _I might have made some progress with Angelo. Maybe. I'm not entirely sure yet. He started off being moody as usual. I was trying to help him put the roster together but he was being largely monosyllabic and unhelpful. I invited him to go for a coffee with me but he said no and walked out of the room. Sick of the way he's been carrying on, I followed him and challenged the way he's been ignoring me. He said it wasn't intentional but it was pretty obvious that he was lying and still feels very bitter about everything. He still wants us to move in together and I still don't want to so really, I guess we're stuck in the same place we were. I'm just relieved that we at least attempted to communicate today. Personally, I think that's progress.

I tried to convince him that we could go back to the way we were, like when we were on holiday together. That truly seems like a lifetime ago now. And this whole thing has made me accept that I do really care for him. I don't love him and he'll always be second best compared to Joey but I do want us to stay together if we can. But he basically told me that while he loves me and wants to be with me but the idea that I might never want to live with him is too much for him to handle. I told him I missed him but he just said he needed time to think.

Anyway, I know it doesn't sound like we made progress, but I think we did. After we both finished our shifts, we ran into each other at the Surf Club and he tried to be friendly. He even apologised, which is something he hardly ever does. I apologised too and I think something might have been resolved between us but I got called away and I haven't seen him since.

The reason we were in the Surf Club was because the Diner party had to get moved. Everything got too much for poor Leah and she barricaded herself in the storeroom. Irene had to send everyone home so Alf offered to host at the Surf Club instead. Leah was having a panic attack and wouldn't let Irene in so she sought help from Martha. Then Irene found me at the Surf Club and asked me to help, which I hope I did.

By the time I got there, Leah had allowed Martha to join her in the storeroom and Colleen was manning the front door. Bless her, she looked really worried and didn't even comment inappropriately – not in my hearing anyway. Martha let me into the storeroom and we spent most of the night sitting on the floor together, talking things through. I admired how good the Diner looked and tried my best to be positive about everything. We ended up eating our weight in celery (can you even do that!?) and peanut butter, which was pretty funny and we talked a lot of things through. I shared some of my experiences after what happened with Grant but dismissed her assertion that what I went through was worse than what she's been through. I made it clear that all her feelings are valid but she needs to deal with them head on. She's been through hell but I was adamant that it would get better.

Martha and I encouraged Leah to focus on all the positives in her life – the Diner, her friends and the fact that Hazem is going to get better after everything that happened to him. And we managed to convince her to leave the storeroom – after a group hug. Personally, I had a really nice evening. I mean, I wish they were different circumstances but I quite enjoyed having some real girl time with Leah and Martha. It's been nice to start spending time with my friends again, especially Martha. Things were frayed with her for a long time but now that she's forgiven Angelo for killing Jack – ironically when I've kind of fallen out with him – I think we can be closer. And I have always adored Leah. Maybe we should arrange a night out sometime.

I brought Leah home with me and we spent a bit of time together before she went to bed and I came to my room to write in here in a bid to wind down. I've done my best to encourage Leah to see a counsellor. I mean, it's not my bag really but after what happened with Grant last year, talking things through – even a little bit – did help, I must admit. I stupidly referenced the problems I'm having with Angelo at the moment and she wanted to listen and be sympathetic. But it wasn't the right time. I told her days ago that we're struggling but I wanted tonight to be about her, not be overrun by my commitment issues.

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 20<strong>**th**** February**

**16:01**

**Home**

Leah and I are having Martha and Rachel round for the evening tonight. It may be ill advised with Leah's nerves but we've got lots of wine and a few nibbles and we're going to have a drunken, girlie night in. I'm really looking forward to it!

I saw Ruby this morning before she headed off to spend the day with Xavier. I'm really just waiting for her to tell me they're back together. I give the friendship thing a week, tops. Anyway, she asked how Leah was. The news of her meltdown got round the Bay pretty fast, I'm assuming thanks to Colleen.

Ruby told me that she and Xavier didn't stay all that long at the party in the end. Ruby said she struggled a bit with being back in the building that had been the scene of so much suffering. Even though she had Geoff on her mind, she said Xavier was really kind to her. They went back to Irene's and watched a DVD together and she said she had a nice time. She also said that Mink apologised to them both for all the trouble she's caused.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 21<strong>**st**** February**

**13:13**

**Home**

I'm a little bit hungover but it's totally worth it. Martha, Leah, Rachel and I had an awesome night in. There was a lot of laughter as well as some deep and meaningful. I vaguely recall talking a lot about Joey and I might have poured my heart out a bit too much. And I also complained a fair amount about Angelo, wondering where we stood and why he's being so difficult. I told them that I really do like him and that I do want things to work out. But it's all so complicated. Hang on, text message...

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 21<strong>**st**** February**

**13:21**

**Home**

Shit. I drunk dialled Joey last night. She didn't pick up but I gather I left a random message. She texted me just now and said:

"I assume you were drunk when you left me that voicemail last night. You sounded pretty tipsy. So, I'm just going to take the good stuff from it. Thank you for what you said. It always means a lot when someone says nice things about you. I wish you wouldn't be so down on yourself though. I know things didn't work out between us but you shouldn't punish yourself, Charlie. Let go and move on. That's what I'm trying to do. It's not easy and I know a big part of me will love you forever. But I guess things are just the way they are."

Fuck. What did I say to her!?

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Angelo upsets Charlie with a theory and they finally reach a conclusion about their relationship, Charlie and Ruby indulge in a weekend with Ross and Morag and Leah meets a new man when she takes up self-defence…<em>


	93. Chapter 93

**Chapter Ninety Three**

**Monday 22****nd**** February**

**17:39**

**The Wharf**

Do I really sabotage all my relationships? That's Angelo's new theory and although I rejected it at the time, I have a horrible feeling that the smug bastard might be right. I always end up with little shits that treat me badly. I mean, my first boyfriend raped me. That's got to fuck you up about men, right? I stayed away from boys for a while after that. Then I met a nice guy but I couldn't cope with committing to him. Since then, up until I met Joey, I've been through a series of romantic disasters. I've been out with cheaters, bullies, all sorts.

Roman was a nice guy but he practically had 'I'm in love with Martha' stamped across his forehead. I threw myself at him when I first moved here because he was pretty much the first person to be nice to me. I didn't find it all that easy to make friends but Roman was kind and he wanted me to become part of the community. But he messed me around from the start and I think he was looking for a way to get out of our relationship from the beginning.

Then I slept with Angelo because I was drunk and depressed and when I look back, I wonder if it might have gone somewhere if he hadn't gone to jail for killing Jack. I kissed Miles, which was a bad idea. Fortunately, he was enough of a gentleman not to take advantage. And then there was Joey... I screwed that up pretty spectacularly, didn't I? I mean, she was the most amazing girl in the whole world and I genuinely loved her. I still can't really fathom why I betrayed her the way I did. We could have been so happy together. Even if things had worked out with Angelo the first time then I know I would have left him for her. She was everything to me.

But maybe that was the problem. I've always despised myself. Well, ever since Grant anyway. And Joey was so good and pure and beautiful. Maybe I did sabotage things – I knew I wasn't good enough for her from the start.

And now with Angelo... I don't know. He's a nice guy – most of the time – and we get along well. I enjoy his company and I care about him. But he's right about my assumption that it wouldn't last. I slept with him last year because I needed a distraction and I was feeling so messed up. We broke up the first time (second, third!?) time because I hadn't shared my whole fucking soul with him like he wanted. We broke up again because he lied to me. And now... now I don't even know if we _have _broken up. I don't know what he wants from me and I don't know what I want from him.

I nearly decked him today though. He was so bloody smug, standing by the water and spouting his pathetic theories. And I gather he's been talking about me to people like Alf and Irene. I dread to think what he's been saying. He clearly thinks pretty badly of me and I doubt he'd have any qualms in saying so.

He said that he was perfect me and I was quick to agree, although perhaps not in the way that he'd assume. Joey was perfect. But she wasn't perfect for me because I'm no good. I like to think that if I hadn't behaved so badly, we would have lasted and she would have turned me into a better person. But Angelo is perfect for me because we're both so flawed. I don't deserve better than what he can give me. He's arrogant, stroppy, selfish and opinionated. He'll bulldoze his way through anyone to get his own way. Judging by my history, especially what happened with Joey, would I really deserve better than that? I don't think so.

Anyway, he listed Roman and Joey as examples of my self sabotage. I didn't care so much about him mentioning Roman but there was something wrong about him talking about Joey. It just doesn't sit right with me. He said that I have serious issues with commitment and I always choose people I'm not likely to keep. He thinks that I only went out with him because I knew it wouldn't last. Maybe. I mean, I don't want this to last forever. I just don't want to be alone. And it's nice to be with someone who, despite some bullish behaviour, loves me. Oh, and he also thinks that I wasn't ever jealous of his promotion – I was just horrified that it meant he'd be staying in the Bay. Fuckwit.

* * *

><p><strong>Monday 22<strong>**nd**** February**

**23:58**

**Home**

I stayed on the wharf for a while tonight, fuming about Angelo and wishing that Joey was still around. I stopped off and got some drinks and got a bit tipsy down there. I had to leave my car in the car park and walk home. I'm not drunk exactly but I'm a little woozy and I think I need a nice long sleep. Except I have a long shift ahead of me tomorrow so that's probably not doable.

Tony has convinced Leah to do self defence classes that are starting at the school this week. She isn't very sure but I think it might be good for her. It's a powerful experience to know that you have a chance to counter someone attacking you. Oh, and she said she's had to re-order peanut butter because we polished most of it off the other night! That's pretty funny. And the Diner reopening made the front page of the news, which was nice. It's a lot more positive than most of the Summer Bay headlines have been recently.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 23<strong>**rd**** February**

**03:33**

**Home**

I remember what I said to Joey on the phone. I kept rambling about how much I love her and that I still think of her every day. I told her how much I regret losing her and that I'd hate myself forever for what I did. Then I went on about how amazing she is and how anyone should consider themselves lucky if they get to be part of her life.

And now I feel really guilty. That poor woman is trying so hard to put her life back together. She left town to get away from me and she's started on a new relationship. She doesn't need me going on at her about stuff like that. I am never drinking again!

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 23<strong>**rd**** February**

**20:23**

**Home**

It's been another long day. I'm sick of writing that! I need a break!

I worked with Angelo for much of the day and things were awkward to say the least after yesterday. I think he thought his accusations would bowl me over and into his arms or something, like pointing out all my fuck ups would make me weep and want to change my ways. Well, I guess things didn't play out quite like he expected.

We worked in frosty silence for several hours until I snapped at him that Roman and Joey both broke up with me, not the other way around. And I added that they both broke my heart too. But he continued to insist that he was still right and we started arguing. I accused him of being passive aggressive and wanting to punish me for not wanting to live with him. I told him straight that all of this has made me question if we have a future at all and that right now, he is the last person I want to spend any time with.

I headed out in the afternoon to see Aden at the bait shop. There's a graffiti artist stalking the Bay at the moment. They've attacked various places like the caravan park and last night, they tagged the bait shop. Alf called it in and in a bid to escape the station and Angelo, I headed out.

While I was there, Aden picked up immediately on my mood. I have a particular affection for him. I guess I associate him with Joey. It was Aden trying to do right by her that brought the two of us together. If she keeps in touch with him, he doesn't tell me. He was pretty devastated when she left too and I think he'd be pleased if she ever decided to come home. He'd have to get in line to see her though! If Joey ever rocked up on these shores again, I swear I would do whatever it took to win her back. And if I managed it, I'd never let her go again.

Anyway, I ended up sharing some of my Angelo issues with Aden and shared his stupid theory with him. I also confessed that I was starting to think that he might be right – citing the fact that I ruined my relationship with Joey before we even started – as an example. And I added that I knew Roman was in love with Martha from the start too.

He told me that I needed to talk things through properly with Angelo and we both agreed that I don't really want to break up with him. I mean, before all of this stuff, things were actually going pretty well between us. He makes me laugh and I know he cares about me. He's even said the L word and doesn't even kick up a fuss about me not saying it back to him. I don't believe you should say something as important as that if you don't mean it. I tested it out once with Roman but it didn't feel right. And other than that, the only person I've said those words to is Joey. It feels wrong to say it to someone else if I don't feel about them the way I feel about her. And to be honest, I don't even _want _to feel about someone the way I feel about her. She's special, you know? She's the one that got away.

Aden and I went for lunch together and I listened to his anxieties about work. He thinks that Alf wants him out of the bait shop. And now he's accepted a job at the Diner so I don't know if he's going to split his time between the two places or sacrifice one for the other.

It was nice to see Leah back working at the Diner today. She's done amazingly well to get back on her feet after everything that's happened so far this year. She has resisted going to counselling but Tony has convinced her to join this self defence class thing. I think I mentioned it the other day actually but it's all a bit of a blur. She's nervous and a little unsure but I think it will be good for her. And apparently she told Miles that Tony and I have really helped her to recover from her ordeal. That made me feel pretty good. She was full of news this evening about a new Reverend in town. I assume that he's the guy that Geoff spoke to before he decided to leave town. Maybe we can carefully leave that part out if it gets brought up in conversation with Ruby.

Anyway, I spoke to Angelo, as Aden suggested, when I returned to the station. He actually apologised, which is a real rarity for him. He accepted that he could be wrong and I admitted that at this stage, I don't know who's right. I told him I was confused about everything and then I finished my shift away from him. We said a pretty awkward goodbye at the end of the day and neither of us has got in touch since. I dread to think what tomorrow will bring. But at least I won't feel quite so hungover tomorrow morning like I did today. My life feels like one big, bad mood at the moment. I hate it.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 24<strong>**th**** February**

**23:56**

**Home**

Well, Angelo and I have officially broken up. I feel sad about it but also kind of relieved. I struggled with the pressure of being in a relationship with him, especially in light of the fact that we clearly want different things from our lives.

It all started this morning when I got into work. We talked a little about how we are in such different places – he is sure about things and I'm not ready for a heavy commitment. I remarked that if I was dating myself, I'd be frustrated too. I can tell that I'm on the verge of turning all of this around and using the breakup as something to bash myself over the head with. I already feel not good enough and like I've done something wrong. And I'm painfully aware that I'm romanticising him and how he's behaved. Consciously, I know that he's made mistakes and quite frankly, he behaved like a child when he didn't get his own way. But I know, deep down, I'm blaming myself for everything.

Anyway, I'd organised to have dinner at home with Ruby tonight and so I invited Angelo to join us in a bid to work through our problems. But between then and the evening, I'd had a change of heart. We could keep putting a plaster over our problems but it would keep coming off. The fact is that we want different things. He wants a wife and children, a house with a picket fence and all that crap. I have no idea what I want. No, that's not true. What I want is Joey. I want all that commitment stuff with her. But I can't have that. Therefore, I don't want it with anyone else. I genuinely can't see myself settling down like that with Angelo, or with anyone really. Therefore we're never going to be happy together and I'm only going to hurt him more by dragging it out.

When he arrived at the house, all dressed up and ready to make the effort for the evening, I told him that he was right about me sabotaging my relationships and admitted that I didn't know how to fix it. He wanted to help me figure things out in my head but I knew I needed to do it alone and told him so. Then I broke up with him.

Angelo stormed out just as Ruby arrived for dinner and we pretty much spent the whole night analysing my mess of a relationship. She isn't happy about the breakup and she made that very clear. To be honest, I'm a bit shocked. I didn't even realise she liked Angelo that much. It's not like they've really spent all that much time together. But maybe it was nice for her to think that I was in a happy, settled relationship. We don't exactly have the most conventional relationship so perhaps it made her feel like things were a bit more normal. I know that she was particularly heartbroken when Joey and I split so maybe she thought, like I guess I did, that life with Angelo could be the next best thing. She actually asked if this was a sexuality issue but I denied it. I mean, I guess in some ways it is but really, it's more complicated than that. She was disappointed that I've given up on things so easily but I remained adamant that I've done the right thing. And I do truly believe it. I suppose sometimes the right thing isn't always the easiest thing.

Leah came back from her first self defence class in a strange mood. I gather that this new pastor, Reverend Elijah Johnson is the teacher. She made a few comments about him having good arms. Maybe she's got a crush!? Is that even allowed!? Anyway, during the lesson, she had a bit of a panic attack but she said he was really good with her and managed to talk her down. He even offered to give her some private lessons in order to help her get her confidence back. I think that sounds like a good idea. In return, she is giving him a discount at the Diner for some sort of clergy retreat that he's organising.

She said that Aden is now going to be working part time at the Diner and part time at the bait shop. I gather that he misunderstood Alf yesterday and thought he was gearing up to fire him. But in actual fact, he wanted to promote him and give him a raise. Poor Aden! He totally stuffed that one up, didn't he? Maybe that's another reason why I have such a connection with him – we both act before we think.

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 25<strong>**th**** February**

**12:33**

**The Beach**

Ruby stayed the night last night and it was so amazing to get to spend the whole evening with her. We went for a walk along the beach this morning, before I started work and she started school. She actually referred to herself as my daughter. That was a really special moment for me. I'm absolutely convinced that she and Xavier will be back together soon and for all my objections right at the beginning, I think they're good for each other. He clearly worships the ground she walks on and that's got to be a good thing, right? It's not like she's going to fuck it up the way I always do.

Angelo isn't working today, which is a relief. I'm thinking about moving out of the office again. I mean, it's pretty awkward working so closely with him when I've just broken his heart. I feel really bad about it and I gather that he spent last night getting trashed at the Surf Club. Alf had to drive him home. Have I done the right thing? Would it just be easier to give Angelo what he wants?

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 26<strong>**th**** February**

**22:33**

**Dad and Morag's House**

I've got a free weekend so I thought I would abandon the Bay and come and spend some time with Dad. I invited Ruby and at first, she said no but I gather there has been some sort of blip with Xavier so she changed her mind at the last minute.

The car journey was mostly nice. We sang along to the stereo and chatted a fair bit. She made me feel a bit bad about Angelo though. It doesn't seem to matter that I believe I have done the right thing. She wants us to stay together. And she said that the blip with Xavier was caused by my breakup with Angelo. She said she panicked about them becoming more than friends again because she couldn't bear to lose him a second time. Way to make me feel guilty, Rubes. Thanks.

Anyway, we had a good day with Dad. Morag and Ruby went out shopping for a few hours in the afternoon, leaving me and Dad to have some alone time. It was nice. He has been supportive about the breakup, at least. He said that life is too short to be unhappy and if Angelo and I are making each other miserable then it's a good thing to call time on our relationship. He also admitted that I hadn't seemed happy for our entire relationship. It hit a bit too close to home but if my Dad can't speak like that then who can?

The strangest thing was that he asked about Joey. He commented that even though he never saw us together and didn't really actually know that we were together until it was over, whenever he thought back to that time, I seemed very happy. That's how he picked up on the situation in the first place, because I had a sudden spring in my step and saw joy in the world. He asked if we kept in touch and I explained that we exchanged the odd text. Then he asked if I would try and win her back but with some regret, I had to say that I wouldn't. It wouldn't be right for me to make her life difficult. She's with someone else and that person is probably perfect for her. It would be wrong if I tried to mess that up. I've hurt her enough already.

It's nice to think though, that if we had managed to stay together, Dad would have been supportive. I think he and Joey would have got along well. I can only imagine the fishing trips. It's so sad to think about what could have been.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 28<strong>**th**** February**

**22:31**

**Home**

I had a nice weekend with Dad, Morag and Ruby. I got back to the Bay about an hour ago, dropped Ruby back at Irene's and now I'm preparing to sleep before I have to face Angelo at work tomorrow. I'm really nervous about seeing him. He was pretty upset when I broke up with him and he's not exactly good at hiding his feelings. Whatever he thinks and feels about me right now will most definitely be on display. I'm a bit nervous.

Also, it was a year to the day that Joey and I had our first ever conversation. It's probably kind of sad that I remember but it's like everything we ever shared has been burnt onto my brain. My life with her is a permanent scar. And I still miss her so much.

This time last year, she had a big cut on her arm and a bruise on her head. It was the beginning of all the horror Robbo was planning on putting her through. I had been gazing at her for so many months at that point, without understanding my own fascination. I bumped into her a year ago today and we chatted a little. Why did it take me so long to figure out how I felt about her? Why did I let things go so wrong between us? When will I stop missing her so much?

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Things are awkward between Charlie and Angelo, Ruby and Xavier decide to go on a date and Nicole neglects Aden in favour of her design course…<em>


	94. Chapter 94

**Chapter Ninety Four**

**Monday 1****st**** March 2010**

**19:22**

**Home**

It's been a difficult day but I feel at least a little more settled about things. I'm taking every positive that I can find at the moment. None of this has been very easy and the nice time Angelo and I had together on holiday feels like a lifetime ago. I tried to talk to him this morning but he just stormed out like a stroppy child. I spoke to Avery and he said that he had arranged to work from home.

At lunch time, I met up with Ruby and we had a nice time together. We ate at the Diner and then went for a walk along the beach. She was very fretful about Xavier, who has been off with her for a few days. She invited him to lunch with us but he turned her down and then admitted that with the amount of time they're spending together at the moment, he isn't sure that platonic friendship will work. And I have to admit that he's probably right. He still adores her and probably always has. And she has forgotten about Geoff far quicker than any of us expected. And I believe that that's because she never truly fell out of love with Xavier. I really hope they can work it out. I hope that Ruby isn't doomed for the romantic mess I always end up in.

Ruby is also convinced that if Angelo and I have time apart then it will make us realise that we're meant to be together. We are _so _not meant to be together. I didn't realise how much she believed in our relationship. I guess it's a problem if your daughter believes more in your relationship with a guy than you do! And I do think it's right that we've separated. We spotted him on the beach just as we were talking to each other but he left pretty quickly. He looked so sad. I feel really guilty, even if I believe I did the right thing.

I arrived back at work just as Angelo was heading out again but then we both got called to a road accident. The car journey was awkward to say the least. We didn't even speak. We dealt with the situation, which included some tragic fatalities and a lot of serious injuries. It puts a lot of things into perspective really. Life is too short to make each other unhappy.

When we got back into the car, Angelo apologised for behaving like a spoilt brat and decided that he wanted us to try and be friends. But I had already come to the opposite conclusion and I suggested that we stay away from each other from now on. It's not going to be easy but I do believe that it's the right thing to do.

Angelo went home with some paperwork and I don't know if I'll see him at all tomorrow. But I am determined to follow through with my plan. I don't think it's helping either of us to keep trying to work through all of this together. We don't belong together, despite what Ruby says and it's not doing either of us any good to keep pretending that we are. For starters, we want different things. He's looking for a wife to have children with. I'm looking for... a way to win Joey back. And that's the tragic truth of it all.

I spoke to Ruby briefly this evening. She was a lot happier and has made up with Xavier. He started avoiding her until she approached him at the beach and told him to forget anything she said about them just being friends. She's told him that she wants them to carry on like they have been so I predict they'll be back together by the end of the week.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 2<strong>**nd**** March**

**22:03**

**Home**

Angelo 'worked from home' again today. I think I'm relieved. If he tries to be friends then I might easily give in and I don't think that would be very helpful. If I'm not going to have him in my life then I need to follow it through seriously. Maybe Joey had the right idea when she left town. Why can't I ever write a diary entry without mentioning her? When will I heal from that part of my life? She's obviously happy and she's moved on. She probably never even thinks about me. And yet here I am, still hooked on what might have been.

Anyway... other news around the Bay...

Martha doesn't seem to be in a very good space at the moment. She got sent home sick from work and I gather that she and Liam aren't getting along all that well.

Aden keeps trying to spend time with Nicole but she's doing all this extra work at school for her design course. It's good that she's so enthusiastic but I hope she doesn't neglect him too much. Bad things happen when you take a partner for granted. And yes, I'm talking about Joey again. Of course. Apparently some fashion designer called Britt Hobart is coming to teach at the school and Nicole is very excited about it.

And it looks like Tony has sold his share of the gym to John. They've been fighting for days, well, weeks really and in a fit of anger, Tony made the decision. I gather that Rachel is far from pleased. She's only working part time at the moment and they have their baby boy to raise. It must be a pretty stressful time, all things considered.

Oh, and Ruby and Xavier have made it very clear that they're considering a reunion. They've been very flirty with each other recently and I think she's being a bit of a tease! But it's good that she's in charge of her own feelings. I think she's being really sensible about all of this and not rushing in. I really hope they go the distance this time.

And to summarise the day, Leah is doing really well with her self defence classes. I think she might have a bit of a thing for Reverend Elijah! I will totally keep my eye on that one! She's being all coy about it, which is quite adorable.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 3<strong>**rd**** March**

**15:42**

**The Beach**

I had to escape work today. I've clocked up enough overtime over the past few months that I can get away with it. But I think if I was to be trapped in that office with Angelo for one more second I would have screamed or hanged myself from the ceiling. He kept trying to talk to me. A very selfish part of me is pleased that he now knows what it's like to be ignored by someone you care about. But really, I just feel a lot of pain about the whole situation.

I'm having dinner with Ruby tonight and I'm desperately looking forward to it. I'm hoping that she'll be so preoccupied with Xavier that she won't hassle me too much about Angelo. I need someone on my side here. Right now, I feel totally alone.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 3<strong>**rd**** March**

**23:48**

**Home**

I had a nice evening with Ruby and thankfully, she was indeed too caught up with Xavier to complain too much about Angelo and I breaking up. I was relieved about that.

Xavier finally asked Ruby out on a date today and she eagerly accepted. She's pretty excited about it. It's almost like it's a new thing but of course, they dated before and she lost her virginity to him. I really hope it works out for them this time. They make a very sweet couple and it's nice to see her having a less disastrous love life than I have always had.

She was also pretty concerned about Romeo. He's very stressed out about Mink at the moment and I gather they've been arguing a lot. But at the same time, he is very protective of his sister. He had a go at her and Xavier when they criticised her behaviour. I guess she's been through a hell of a lot. Poor kid. I hope she finds a way to heal from her past.

And she's also convinced, as am I and as is Irene, that Leah had a real thing for Elijah. She goes all silly whenever he is around and was gutted when he had to cancel their private lesson. He had some emergency in the city and had to hurry off. Irene told Ruby not to tease Leah too much but I doubt she can help it. I'm trying to hold back but the whole thing really is kind of cute. And you never know, he might like her back. He's a stable, cool, caring kind of guy. It would be good for her, I think.

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 4<strong>**th**** March**

**17:08**

**Home**

I gather that Mink is leaving town this week. Ruby is trying not to be happy about it. They haven't exactly made friends since she's been here. But even if she is troublesome, I feel sorry for Romeo. I haven't really had much to do with either of them recently but it's clear that they love each other. And they've been apart for a long time. It seems a shame that she isn't sticking around. I gather she had some kind of meeting with a surfing sponsor today but I don't think it went very well.

Leah is still all bent out of shape about Elijah. Personally, I think it's adorable. And I hope that something might work out between them. She keeps being all cute around him and being all clumsy with words and actions. And even if nothing romantic comes of it, I know he has really helped her. He's empowering her, teaching her to take care of herself and control her panic attacks. She's made so much progress since that night we spent hiding in the storage cupboard.

The graffiti around the Bay is getting totally out of control. I think we're going to have to put together a proper observation unit in order to catch whoever it is in the act. They keep tagging the caravan and the bait shop and it's driving everyone nuts!

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 5<strong>**th**** March**

**21:23**

**Home**

I've had a pretty amusing evening and it's been nice to laugh and have fun instead of getting strung out about Angelo. I saw him briefly today and he tried to make conversation but I shut him down. I know I'm being mean and I know how it feels when you want to be friends with someone who won't give you the time of day. But I just know that if we enter into our old banter again then it'll either give him false hope or else I'll fall into the same trap as before.

Most of my evening was spent with Leah. She is totally flummoxed over her feelings for Elijah. It's really quite cute and it's most definitely amusing. She had a 'moment' with him in class today and now she is really spun out about it. We had a proper girlie giggle and it was really fun to spend time with her. Plus, unlike Ruby, Leah doesn't ask about Angelo every single time I see her, which is most definitely a relief. The more Angelo-free I can be, the happier I am.

In other news, Nicole is completely engrossed in this design course she's doing for school and Miles has set himself the mission of catching the caravan park and bait shop vandal. And I gather that Angelo and Martha have been getting closer. I guess it's kind of nice but it's also kind of weird considering their history. Although, I guess he did save her life when that Derrick man abducted her last year.

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 6<strong>**th**** March**

**16:08**

**The Beach**

Today has been quite an interesting day really. I've thought about Angelo a lot. And I've thought about Joey too. I spent a fair bit of time with Aden and he always reminds me of my lost love. I'll always associate the two of them with each other.

Angelo made me laugh at work this morning. He struck up a conversation with me but when I wouldn't speak, he started to fill in my responses. For a moment there, he reminded me of the guy he used to be, back before I knew what love was and was still trying to make it work with Roman. He made it clear how much he misses me and in a lot of ways, I miss him too. It's just that everything feels so difficult and complicated at the moment.

On a more serious note, he asked me why we can't be friends and was clearly frustrated at my ability to turn off my feelings. He has no idea! Then he tried to do that thing where he pledges his commitment to me and promises that he'll always be my friend, no matter what. It was that 'you can't get rid of me that easily' role that people play when they're trying to be charming. It just irritated me and I walked out of the office.

I went to the Diner and bumped into Aden, who was in an even worse mood than I was. We both snapped at each other and then both apologised. We went for a walk and he shared some of his anxieties about Nicole. Apparently, last night, when he and Miles were trying to catch the vandal (where I gather all they managed to achieve was twisting Miles's ankle), he fretted a little to him about where he and Nicole stand with each other. She's all caught up with school work and doesn't have time for him and he's a little panicked that it's not because school is so exciting but because she's lost interest in him. Miles then reported back to Nicole and now she and Aden have fallen out.

Aden is also fretting that he's turning into a girl! He said he's far more in touch with his feelings than he wants to be and it's very frustrating for him. I empathised and we decided that both our problems are rooted in the fact that we're doers, rather than thinkers. So when we spend our time analysing and thinking and everything, we get into trouble. We then pledged to stop over thinking everything and just go with the flow, which so far, is sort of going well.

We ended up talking about Belle a fair bit and then about Joey. It's good that Aden can be with Nicole after losing Belle. It would be sad for him to always be alone. But I can't even imagine the heartbreak of losing someone to death. It's hard enough that Joey is off somewhere, having a lovely time with a new girlfriend – and that I can text every now and again or leave a drunken voicemail that she doesn't object to all that much.

I admitted to him that I still miss Joey with all my heart, and that I am still in love with her. I hope one day my need for her will fade a little. Maybe then it won't hurt so much. Aden said that he hears from her from time to time and she seems to be doing well. I'm happy for her. I just wish that she could be with me.

But anyway, I'm not supposed to be thinking this much, am I? Consider my brain wiped.

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 6<strong>**th**** March**

**22:02**

**Home**

I spent the evening with Leah tonight. She is still so hung up on Elijah. I'm trying not to find the whole thing cute and amusing because she's actually finding it very stressful. And the fact that Colleen is being very critical isn't very helpful either. I mean, in fairness, nobody pays all that much attention to Colleen's opinions but you have no choice about hearing them.

Leah is convinced that her crush is wrong and it seems that no matter how many times Irene, Miles and I tell her that it's not like he's a priest and can't have relationships, she feels like she's doing something terrible for having feelings for him. She told me that she bumped into him on the beach this afternoon and acted all silly and clumsy around him. She feels like a hormonal teenager! She's got it real bad!

She actually abandoned her self defence class tonight. She was psyching herself up to go in and then bailed at the last minute, asking Miles to make an excuse to Elijah. She's been really fretful about it all. I can't help but feel a bit sorry for her. Her head is in a total mess.

I had a text from Aden this evening thanking me for our chat today and informing me that everything was fixed with Nicole. I'm happy about that. I just wish my own relationship dramas were so easy to get over. I'm longing for a girl I was too stupid to appreciate, and I've hit a brick wall with a guy I've only really felt lukewarm about. I officially suck.

Oh, and I heard that Annie is on her way home from Japan. Irene is thrilled. I'm sure Ruby will be too, not to mention Romeo!

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 7<strong>**th**** March**

**22:59**

**Home**

Ruby and I took a pretty spontaneous trip into the city today in order to spend some time with Dad and Morag. We left early this morning and got back to the Bay about an hour ago. It was really nice actually. Dad was on good form and we had a lot of fun together. It was nice to get away for a little while and enjoy some family time. Everything else in the world feels pretty stressful at the moment so I think it did everyone some good.

Leah is still stressing out about Elijah. She can't seem to think or talk about anything else at the moment and I think she's turning it into more of a drama than it needs to be. I think that came out wrong. I'm not having a go at her. I really feel for her actually.

But the chances are, Elijah likes her too. I mean, what's not to like? She's beautiful, successful, sweet and funny. Okay, that makes me sound like _I _like her! I don't. I mean, not that there's anything wrong with her but she's been my friend for almost two years now and... Why I am explaining myself? I'm the only one who reads this! And if someone else happens to be reading in then they're in big trouble!

Anyway, I digress. I think I'm overtired. Going to go to sleep now and get ready to face tomorrow...

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Angelo kisses Charlie, prompting her to make a decision about what she wants from him, Ruby and Xavier get back together and learn the truth about how Romeo and Mink's step-dad really died, while Nicole is offered a fashion internship…<em>


	95. Chapter 95

**Chapter Ninety Five**

**Monday 8****th**** March**

**18:11**

**Home**

It's been a pretty long day and my hope is to get some dinner and then have a nice, hot bubble bath, preferably with a glass of wine. Fortunately, nothing bad happened today. Angelo and I existed in awkward silence but nothing too traumatic and I had a nice lunch break with Ruby. I keep trying to find the right time to ask her to move back in with Leah and I but it never quite happens. I think I'm too scared of rejection.

In other news, I ran into Aden this morning. Nicole is beside herself with excitement about a fashion designer teaching a class at the school for a term. She and Aden had a bit of a spat last night when he wasn't enthusiastic enough about her design samples. She took it to mean that he didn't like them but really, he just has no clue about fashion. But I gather that he explained himself this morning and she has forgiven him. Hooray! He is pretty worried that she is going to work herself into the ground though. Let's hope not.

I gather that that Mink girl, Romeo's sister is leaving town soon. Ruby is pleased. They didn't exactly hit it off and she threw a few spanners in the works with her and Xavier. But she said that Romeo is sad to see her go, although his life might be a bit simpler without her for the time being. And it looks like she's heading off for surfing competitions and stuff so that should be pretty cool.

Leah is still engulfed with all this Elijah stuff. She can't seem to think about anything else at the moment. He came round this morning to check that she was okay and she fumbled through an excuse, which conflicted with the one Miles gave him. But she managed to wing it, she thinks. But Miles is in a bit of a strop with her for getting him involved in the situation. She has now told Elijah that she thinks she is ready for group self defence classes instead of the private ones he's been giving her.

Oh, and it looks like the tagging might have lessened a little bit. Yay! We still haven't caught anyone in the act though...

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 9<strong>**th**** March**

**09:03**

**The Beach**

I've got the morning off work so I thought I'd get up and out early. I went to the gym, which really isn't the same now that John is running the place on his own. I don't know what Tony is planning on doing next but it's a shame he's handed it over. He really made a difference there. You always knew that no matter what, you'd get good service and a friendly smile. I hope he finds something else. I can't imagine it's much fun working with John really. I've never been a huge fan.

I'm working the same shift as Angelo this afternoon which will probably be a bit awkward. He went through a phase of putting us on different rotas because he didn't want to spend time with me. But now he is desperate to be friends again and I'm the one causing the problems, he's making us work side by side. It sucks when your ex boyfriend is your superior at work. I totally took our previous situation for granted.

I ran into Aden this morning. Apparently Nicole has been offered an internship with that woman teaching at the school. He's a bit concerned that she's not going to do anything beside school work and design work but I guess if it makes her happy, it's a good thing. And it's always great to see teenagers with real dreams, ambitions and a direction in life. It's nice that she feels so passionately about something. She's a good kid really.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 10<strong>**th**** March**

**20:20**

**Home**

It was a bearable day today. I worked for most of it and had breakfast with Ruby. She told me that Mink and Romeo told Xavier that their mother killed their step-father. Apparently Mink just took a rap for it because the Mum couldn't cope. I swore I wouldn't say or do anything about it. I mean, as a cop, I should. I can't get behind a miscarriage of justice. But as a human being, what would be useful about going after their mother? Mink has already been punished for a crime she didn't commit. The debt has essentially already been paid. It would only make things worse. Although I do feel pretty uncomfortable about my decision.

Apparently Xavier was meant to keep the truth quiet. He only found out by accident anyway. But he told Ruby and he told Gina and then Ruby told me. Mink was pretty furious about it by all accounts. I feel so sorry for the poor girl. And I can't even believe how bad a mother that woman must have been to let her daughter take the rap for her crime. I mean, I doubt I'm about to win any awards for mother of the year but I'd hope I'm better than that.

In better news, Ruby and Xavier are finally back together. They spent most of the day together today, flirting and trying to deal with Mink. And she phoned me this evening to say that they'd sealed their reunion with a kiss on the beach. She was all cute and swoony. I hope it works out this time around. He's a good kid and he's good for her. She needs someone who will genuinely adore her and I think he always will.

Leah is still flustered about Elijah. She went to the group class today and thinks it went well but is fretful that Elijah is being strange with her. Of course, she is panicking about him knowing the truth about how she feels but I think she's probably just paranoid. She's tied herself up in knots over this guy and he probably has no idea!

Oh, and it looks like Tony is applying for a job as a P.E. teacher at the school. I have a vague awareness that he is qualified but he'd stopped teaching before I moved to the Bay and started the gym. But anyway, it sounds like a good idea. Although, will he be comfortable having his sister as his boss? I can't help but think family and business should stay away from each other!

I randomly saw Angelo in the Diner today but I didn't talk to him. He was having lunch with Romeo, which is a bit strange. I didn't even know they were friends. But he looked at me loads while I was getting my food and he stayed on my mind for much of the day. I nearly called him when I came home this afternoon. I resisted though. I don't think I should be making decisions on where we stand based on me not really liking being alone. My anxieties are kicking in at the moment. I do tend to prefer to have the wrong boyfriend than no boyfriend at all. I don't like myself enough to be stuck with my own company for too long. But that's just another thing I have to work on, I think.

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 11<strong>**th**** March**

**17:13**

**Home**

I think my brain is going to explode. I'm not quite sure what to do. Angelo just came round and kissed me. It was totally out of the blue and now I'm all confused.

The day started just fine. I went to the Diner and was chatting with Irene when Annie showed up, back from Japan. It was a bit awkward when she asked after Angelo but I left Irene to explain that one and suggested that she, Ruby and I have dinner sometime to catch up. Oh, and Irene also commented that Angelo is very obviously still in love with me.

And this evening, I was making dinner at home when he knocked on the door. It was Angelo. He just leant in and kissed me. Just like that. Then he told me that his feelings haven't changed and he wants us to find a way to work through our problems.

I was so adamant that we couldn't do that but now I don't know. I mean, he is a nice guy and everything. And if he was willing to let us carry on the way we were before all of this then that would be fine. But isn't that wrong? I mean, if I don't want a future with him, if I'm not interested in the idea of marriage and kids and all the things he wants, aren't I trapping him and treating him badly? I know that I would dump him in a heartbeat if Joey were to come back and give me another chance... I just don't know what to do now. I'm all confused.

Ruby is coming round soon but I already know exactly what she's going to say.

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 11<strong>**th**** March**

**22:22**

**Home**

As I expected, Ruby was overly excited about my kiss with Angelo. I'm still not entirely sure what to make of it though. Could we really try again? I mean, how many times have we actually broken up now?

First, we had a one night stand. Then we broke up because he killed Jack and went to jail. Then we had a one night stand. Then he broke up with me for not being honest with him about Joey. Then I broke up with him for not being honest with me about why he was back in the Bay. And now we've broken up because we want different things. And that's the crux of it, isn't it? We want different things. How could we possibly make that work?

I'd be all for just seeing how things go and taking it all one day at a time. That's what I wanted all along. But is it enough for him? I mean, if he says he's happy to figure things out, then perhaps that means he'll calm down and stop pressuring me? And if that's the case, then it could be good, couldn't it? We could go back to how we were before. I think I'd like that.

And the kiss was nice. It was simple and gentle and meaningful. I mean, he's no Joey, of course, but how could be? I've never been kissed like the way she kissed me. Just thinking about it shoots a thrill through me. But Angelo is okay. I mean, it's nice with him. Nice enough, you know?

But I think we could maybe try and be friends and see what happens. Perhaps I could talk to him about it. I miss his humour and having someone to hang out with. Friends could work. Do you think?

In other news, Mink has left town peacefully, Annie returned to the Bay and Nicole is overworked.

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 13<strong>**th**** March**

**12:00**

**The Beach**

Today would have been my eleven month anniversary with Joey. I'm grateful not to be working so I can take some time out just to think about her. It's probably pathetic but I don't think I'll ever forget her. I don't think I'll ever be over losing the love of my life. And I can't help but wonder if she still thinks of me on days like these.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 14<strong>**th**** March**

**11:23**

**The Beach**

I've been doing a lot of thinking this weekend and I think I have reached a decision. Before anything romantic ever happened with Angelo, we were such good friends. I will never forget the first time I met him. He annoyed me all frickin' day but in kind of a charming way. He's never going to be the love of my life but I do like him a lot. Aside from Joey, he's the person I have connected with most. We were great mates before and even if nothing else happens between us again, I would like to have that back.

I think we both got too caught up in each other and our relationship. I'm not ready to be in a full on commitment situation and I am most definitely not looking for marriage, kids and a mortgage. But I enjoy spending time together. I think we both just have to stop analysing everything and enjoy what we have – whatever that is.

It's nice to know that I have someone who cares about me so much. And even if I can't match his feelings, I do like him a lot. He makes me laugh and we have fun together. For me, that's enough. And if he's being honest and genuinely feels that it's enough for him too then that's where we should stand.

I guess we all have to make our choices. Joey chose not to be with me because I hurt her so badly. Angelo and I may or may not choose to be together some time in the future. Ruby and Xavier have chosen to be together even after everything that happened over the last year. And Annie is choosing to give Romeo the chance to sweep her off her feet before deciding whether or not to go back to Japan or not. We all have our choices. And we all have to live with the consequences of them. So, like Aden said the other day, we've just got to stop thinking and take everything as it comes.

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Charlie and Angelo attempt to be friends, although Charlie backs off when he asks her out, Ruby and her friends audition for Romeo and Juliet and Leah and Miles fall out over Elijah…<em>


	96. Chapter 96

**Chapter Ninety Six**

**Monday 15****th**** March**

**21:11**

**Home**

I _think _I'm feeling happy at the moment but I'm not entirely sure. I read a wonderful book last year called _A Perfectly Good Family _by Lionel Shriver and she wrote something about how the first thing you think when you're flying high on happiness is when you're going to fall. And I guess that's how I feel.

I spent part of the morning with Ruby and Annie but when they headed off to school, I ran into Angelo. We agreed to attempt the friendship thing and went for a coffee together. As we were both off shift, we actually spent a lot of time together and it was nice. I told him that I've been thinking about taking the Detective exam and he was really encouraging and Irene couldn't quite help making a comment about us being back together. But Angelo quickly corrected her and said we were just friends.

It was nice to spend time with him again and for it to feel relatively easy. We chatted a little bit about what happened with Hugo and it was nice to actually open up to him about it. I haven't had the space to do that before. Everything was about him up to this point but today, it felt like he was really trying to be there for me. It felt nice to have his attention. I don't normally get that, to be honest.

While we were out, Alf approached with a drink that some woman had bought for Angelo. Apparently she'd had a bad day yesterday and, excited about his hope for us, Angelo had bought her a drink to cheer her up. I think he hoped that I'd be jealous but I wasn't. I'm not sure if that's a good or a bad thing but I'll go with it.

This evening, Ruby visited and we had a nice chat. She was pleased that Angelo and I had a nice time together. I'm still a little confused about the whole thing and I think was a bit negative with her but I'm trying not to panic. Friends is a far cry from a relationship and I know, at least for the time being that a serious commitment is not something I'm ready for with him. And I don't know if I ever will be.

All in all, it's been a pretty good day really. I felt more relaxed than I have done in a long time. And I love that I get to see so much of Ruby these days. I'm still too on edge to broach the subject of us living together again and I know she is quite settled with Irene, especially now that Annie is home. But I love that I get to see her pretty much every day at the moment.

She regaled me with tales of Liam's car breaking down and him having to walk to school with them. He's working there now and she is most amused at calling a recovering rock star 'Mr Murphy'.

I gather that Annie has been fretting about Romeo all day, who didn't come to school because he had some kind of bug or something. And Ruby said that she explained the Mink story to her in his absence. Apparently Irene overheard Annie telling Rubes last night that she'll consider giving up Japan to be with Romeo. And Irene is feeling very fretful about her giving up her dreams for a boy who may or may not be worth it. I guess that's the risk she has to take – either way. She needs to figure out what's important. Ruby said that, considering what happened with Geoff, she thinks that Irene may have a point. I'm glad that she has become more sensible but I don't want her to become as jaded as I am and ruin her relationship with Xavier. Perhaps if I had been a more together person, I might not have stuffed everything up with Joey. Annie told Ruby that she's in love with Romeo which I think is a bit quick but hey, they're teenagers. They haven't experienced the world yet! They have nothing to compare their feelings to.

I had a brief chat with Leah when she came home tonight. She went for dinner with Miles round at Tony and Rachel's place. And she seems to have had a nice time, which is good. She didn't even talk about Elijah in the whole thirty seconds I saw her for! She said Tony is pretty nervous about returning to teaching though. If Ruby has him for P.E. then I hope she goes easy on him! It must be seriously daunting for the poor guy!

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 16<strong>**th**** March**

**21:42**

**Home**

Leah is still fretting about Elijah. She is convinced that he is being awkward with her and she's starting to panic about it. I guess it's not just about her having a crush on him – which Colleen is really not helping with – but that he helped her so much to recover from her ordeal and she doesn't want to lose him. She's worried about going backwards if she messes up a friendship that makes her feel so secure. They had another 'moment' in class today and then he partnered her with someone else. I'm starting to think that maybe he does like her after all. She remains convinced that he only sees her as a friend but I'm not so sure.

She paused in her conversation about Elijah to analyse my relationship with Angelo. She told me not to run away from it if I care about him. Unfortunately, she said it in front of VJ who interrogated me about why I didn't want to be with Angelo anymore. Then he told me how much he misses Joey and wishes she still lived with us. That makes two of us, kid.

Work wise, the tagging has started up again and we're trying to figure out the best way of dealing with it. We haven't managed to catch the culprit yet. They're very elusive. But hopefully we'll catch them soon. I gather that it's seriously pissing poor Alf off and that just won't do! And I assure you I am not being sarcastic.

And in other news, Tony started his first day at the school today and I think it went well. There was a bit of hassle in one class but according to Miles who told Leah who told me, he handled it. And I gather he had some sort of run in with Liam today, concerned that he is treating Martha badly. There does seem to be a lot of tension between the pair of them at the moment. I hope they're okay. Complicated relationships are the last thing poor Martha needs at the moment.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 17<strong>**th**** March**

**18:53**

**Home**

I lied to Angelo and now I feel really bad about it. He asked me out to dinner tonight and I told him that I'd promised to cook for Leah and had already bought the ingredients. Fortunately, she didn't drop me in it, but she looked ever so disapproving. I know she and Ruby both want me to be with Angelo again but... I don't know. It all still feels very complicated. It's nice to chat to him and spend time with him. But every time I even contemplate it being more, I panic and run away. He was quite obviously _not _asking me to dinner as a friend today. He's made it abundantly clear that he wants us to try again. And I don't want to lead him on if I'm not sure.

One thing Leah has suggested is that I get counselling for my issues with commitment. I reluctantly phoned the guy that she told me to and left a message but I'm not sure if I really want to go ahead. I briefly had counselling after Grant raped me when I was a kid but I've never been one for talking about my feelings. I find it really hard. But Leah seemed satisfied at least that I started trying to make progress on my issues.

What made my Angelo lie worse though is that Leah isn't even going to be home tonight! I've got the evening all to myself while she goes round to Miles's place for dinner. She left about ten minutes ago. VJ is having a sleep over with one of his friends and obviously Ruby doesn't live here anymore so I am all by myself. I'm not quite sure what to do with my evening really. I'm feeling quite anxious. It's unsettling.

Leah is feeling a bit sad tonight so I'm hoping that Miles will cheer her up. She walked in on Elijah telling Miles that he is considering leaving the Bay so she is naturally upset and will miss him. It all seems a bit abrupt to me. He only just got here! On the plus side though, maybe Leah won't feel so strung out about having feelings for him. And it'll stop Colleen from keep being rude to her all the time about it, treating her like she is doing something wrong. Honestly, you can't help who you're attracted to.

The graffiti artist at the caravan is continuing to cause trouble. It's really stressing Colleen out. And I'm actually on her side this time. That's a rare sentence! And Alf is also on her side. I just hope that we catch whoever it is soon. We've decided to patrol the park night and day until we catch the little bugger in action. Hopefully if we do twenty four hour surveillance, we'll get this case done and dusted pretty soon.

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 18<strong>**th**** March**

**16:03**

**The Beach**

Leah and Miles's dinner didn't quite go to plan last night. Miles was being a little devious and had actually invited Elijah round too but hadn't told him or Leah that they would be spending the evening together. And then, somehow or other, Leah and Elijah ended up being locked in a caravan together. Miles still hasn't quite explained what happened and I don't think Leah or Elijah understand but I can't help suspecting that he was trying to push the two of them together.

Leah said she had a really nice evening anyway. They tried to contact Miles once they got locked in but he didn't pick up his phone. So they ended up spending a few hours getting to know each other. He told her a little about his life as a pastor and that he has been single ever since he was ordained. He also admitted to getting lonely from time to time but Miles rescued them before they could get into too much intimate conversation. I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing!

Unfortunately, Miles and Leah have since fallen out. She went round there and Elijah rushed off, leaving her alone with Miles who awkwardly admitted that the Reverend knows she has feelings for him. She's absolutely furious, understandably. The poor woman must be so embarrassed. I feel really bad for her. Miles has only made an awkward situation worse. I can't believe he'd do that!

Oh and Nicole started her internship with that woman today. I hope it went well for her. According to Ruby, she was super nervous and Aden was kind enough to drop her off there. I hope it went well for her though. This thing seems to really mean a lot to her.

I worked most of today and I just thought I'd pause on the beach and write for a bit before I head home. I think it will probably be an evening of poor Leah fretting about everything. Ruby is coming round though – yay!

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 19<strong>**th**** March**

**22:00**

**Dad and Morag's House**

Ruby and I have come to the city again for the weekend. We're both trying to see Dad as much as we can. The more time that passes, the more he seems to be slipping away from us and we're both finding it really hard.

We had a good journey over. Ruby was full of news about school, including the fact that she's has auditioned for the school production of _Romeo and Juliet_. I think she'd be amazing. I assumed she'd go for Juliet but she said she wanted to try out for the nurse or something. Apparently Annie is auditioning for the lead role, which is a surprise. Before she left for Japan, she was very shy. But she seems to have come back with so much confidence. It looks good on her.

Ruby said that Romeo had been absent from school for most of the last week, apparently with a cold. Funny, I'm sure I saw him out surfing several times this week. I hope he's not giving up on education already. He's only just started back there!

Anyway, Ruby is very eager for Romeo and Annie to get together for real this time. He texted her yesterday morning to say that he would see her at school and she was pretty thrilled by all accounts. Ruby and Nicole have been eager to tease them both about getting together, which I'm sure they find hilarious!

Yesterday, I gather that they flirted a little and Annie is quite desperate for Romeo to make his move. I'm not sure what either of them are hanging around for though. But he also stood up for her when some student barged past or something. And she has convinced him to audition for the school play too. If he got Romeo and she got Juliet, I'm sure they would make the most of their rehearsals! And she still hasn't decided if she is going back to Japan or not.

Anyway, today, they all did their auditions and while Annie was brilliant, Romeo was much less than perfect and everyone laughed at the poor guy. I think he even fell over or something! Not very suave, Mr Smith. But the important thing is that Annie found the whole thing adorable and is more sure of her feelings for him than ever.

Leah and Miles still aren't talking, although he is trying pretty hard to make friends. She's missing all his calls and I felt a bit bad for abandoning her for the weekend when she is so down. But I know that Dad was really looking forward to us visiting and I think it would be worse to let him down than her. And anyway, maybe some time on her own will make her realise that whatever mistakes he's made, Miles is her best friend and would only want the best for her.

This evening, Dad, Morag, Ruby and I had a nice dinner and spent most of the evening talking before we all got too tired and decided to go to sleep. We're going out for the afternoon tomorrow to a museum that Dad used to take me to when I was a kid. We want to share it with Ruby and make as many connections between Dad and his memory as we can. I'm really looking forward to it.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 21<strong>**st**** March**

**23:09**

**Home**

Ruby and I had a great couple of days in the city with Dad and Morag. I really enjoyed myself and I'm relieved to be able to spend as much time with him that I can. I've noticed that I spend less time with him when I'm in a relationship, specifically with Angelo.

I think that if Joey and I had lasted and I'd had the time to introduce them, which I genuinely _was _planning to do, then we would have been visiting regularly. I think Dad and Joey would have got along well. He even told me that he was sad he never got a chance to meet her. I try not to hope that he might meet her one day. My head knows that it's over but my heart struggles to let go.

The day at the museum yesterday was really great. We had a real laugh, the four of us. And today, we just chilled out at their place. I felt very relaxed and Dad coped really well with his memory. I'm really proud of him for the way he tries. I know it's not easy for him – or for Morag – but whenever we're there, they always make such an effort to be cheerful and upbeat. I love them so much.

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Charlie begins having counselling but keeping it a secret makes things awkward with Angelo, Ruby and Annie are thrilled with their roles in the school play although Romeo is less than pleased with his and Marilyn Chambers returns to the Bay, bringing injured Justin Jeffries with her…<em>


	97. Chapter 97

**Chapter Ninety Seven**

**Monday 22****nd**** March**

**19:01**

**Home**

It was back to work and back to school for me and Ruby today. It was a fairly pleasant day all in all though. Angelo and I got along well and he didn't seem to have reacted badly to last week when I turned down his invitation to dinner. I was a bit nervous about him throwing his toys out of the pram again but maybe he really has grown up.

I got a call from Michael at lunch time, offering me an initial counselling appointment for Wednesday. I was expecting there to be a huge waiting list. I wasn't really prepared for it to be so soon. I'm still not sure that I want to do this and I think I need more time to get my head around it.

Ruby called after school to say that she's got a part in the school play. They've decided to turn gender roles on their heads and cast all the boys as female characters and all the girls as male ones. I'm rather proud of Ruby – she got the role of Mercutio. That's a huge part from what I remember at school. Annie is Romeo and Romeo is Juliet! The girls are clearly more impressed than the boys...

Leah and Miles still aren't talking because of him telling Elijah that she has feelings for him. I was hoping they would have made up by now...

Oh, and I heard that Liam went to buy a new car and ended up with a motorbike! And that he is moving out of the farm. That'll be a shame for Martha, I think. She can probably use the company.

And by the sounds of it, Nicole is not enjoying her internship. Poor thing.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 23<strong>**rd**** March**

**21:39**

**Home**

Today has been okay. I worked hard and coped with having lunch with Angelo, which I think is good progress. And this evening, I spent a bit of time with Ruby, which was nice. As usual, she had plenty of news.

Poor Xavier is in a right state, apparently. Last night, he came back from a meal with Tony, Rachel and Harry to find his mother in a rather compromising position. I gather that he at least caught them _after _they'd done the deed and were at least dressed for the most part. But Ruby says it's completely fried his brain and he's been traumatised all day. I dread to think, in that case, how poor Ruby feels every time I date a new disaster. Although, I guess we have a pretty unique relationship. It probably doesn't compare to Gina and Xavier's situation.

Ruby said that she arrived to walk to school with him and Gina was attempting to have a conversation with him through his bedroom door. And without saying a word to her, Xavier just headed out of the house with Ruby. I feel really bad for her. I mean, she's still a woman and an attractive one at that. Isn't she entitled to find love again – even if John Palmer is a bit of an arse in my opinion?

At lunch time, Tony and Rachel approached Ruby and Xavier to try and talk him round but Xavier just walked out. Rachel went after him and I gather he opened up a little. He says now that Hugo is gone, he feels like he has to be the man of the house and look after his mother. He doesn't want to see her being hurt by someone like John.

Following this, Xavier approached Gina at school and said all of the things that she wanted to hear. Unfortunately, he then admitted to Ruby that he didn't mean a word of it. I just hope that he can grin and bear it enough that Gina's relationship with John doesn't cause too much of a problem. That poor family have had enough upheavals recently.

I ran into Aden today as well and he said that Nicole's internship doesn't seem to be what she thought it would be. She's more fetching and carrying than designing and she feels like the whole thing is a let down. He's encouraged her to talk things through with Britt and she said she would. I hope it helps.

Oh, and in a bit of a revelation, when Leah finally agreed to make up with Miles, he accidentally revealed that not only does Elijah know Leah likes him, but that he likes her too! Leah is really excited about it but Miles tried to play it down. Apparently Elijah isn't comfortable with his feelings and is deeply concerned about the conflict between a relationship and the church. I hope they manage to work things out. Personally, I think they would make a lovely couple.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 24<strong>**th**** March**

**13:32**

**The Beach**

Today is my first counselling session. My counsellor is a guy called Michael and he seemed very pleasant on the phone. I'm absolutely terrified though. It's taking everything I have not to panic and cancel. But I know that if I'm ever going to live a normal life and let go of my past pain and insecurities then I have to go for it. I might have missed my chance to be with the love of my life but I do have a chance to make it work with someone else. And I want to. I think. I mean, Angelo's a lovely guy, right? He's been very patient with me. And he doesn't seem to mind that I'm not a very good girlfriend. I don't think I can do better than him. I want to try. Although, as good as he's being, I think it's unlikely that he'll wait around for me. This counselling stuff and commitment phobia isn't going to be sorted out in an hour, is it?

Ruby came round for breakfast this morning, which was really nice. I was pretty strung out about my appointment but she was really good with me and very encouraging. And she even arranged to meet me for lunch so that I could have a pep talk before my appointment. As it turned out, she was late but she still helped.

Things were a little awkward with Angelo this morning though. Avery is off sick so he asked me to cover his afternoon shift but obviously I had to say no. He looked desperate to find out what I was up to but if I'm going to make this counselling stuff work then I don't want him to know about it. I'm not exactly proud of needing help and the less people who are aware of it all, the better. And I especially don't want him to know. That would just be embarrassing.

While I was waiting for Ruby, I ended up sitting down and eating with Alf and Martha. Alf was in a particularly good mood because some woman called Marilyn, who used to live in the Bay several years ago is coming back today. Irene was excited too, although Colleen lacked enthusiasm. Something about Marilyn breaking Colleen's son's heart or something like that. She didn't really explain and Alf was quick to shut her down. I haven't seen him look this excited in ages! If ever!

Ruby finally showed up and seemed a little flustered and I cautiously admitted that I lied to Angelo about the counselling session. I'm just not ready to talk about it yet. That's not a crime, is it? I mean, to be honest, I'm still pretty panicked about the whole thing and I think it's going to take a hell of a lot of work to fix my fucked up brain.

I saw Angelo briefly when I was with Ruby. We didn't talk at first and he didn't look very happy. I hope he isn't pissed off with me for being difficult about the shift this afternoon. I mean, surely he has to respect that I have other things outside of work to do? Or maybe he doesn't. He's kind of self involved.

Anyway, I thanked Ruby for the pep talk but currently, I am rather suspicious of how exactly she is spending her day. First, she declined a lift back to school, which is unusual. And then Xavier appeared out of uniform. I queried why she was in uniform and he wasn't and they made up some random lie that there was no point remembering because I know it wasn't true.

After Ruby and Xavier left, Angelo approached me and apologised for applying pressure about the shift but I got the distinct feeling that really, he just wanted to find out what I was up to. I didn't tell him and I'm not going to. My hope is that I'll get cured in therapy and _then _I can tell him that I'm ready to be his girlfriend.

So, now, here I am, sitting on the beach and stalling. I have to get to my appointment and I really, really don't want to go. Wish me luck!

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 24<strong>**th**** March**

**18:44**

**Home**

So, therapy wasn't so bad. I mean, I feel completely drained and I don't especially want to go back. Spending an hour pretty much talking about myself is kind of intense. But Michael is really nice and unassuming. I like him and I think he will be a good person to open up to. I have another appointment on Friday. He thinks that while we get started, we should have some intense 'getting to know you' sessions and then we can go to weekly. That sounds fine by me.

Today was really just to run through why I am in therapy and what my history is. I explained that I have commitment phobia and that it's something I really want to work on because I can't seem to manage to hold onto functional relationships. I awkwardly admitted to everything that happened with Grant when I was a kid and the repercussions. And then I told him about never staying in a relationship for longer than six months, even one that I was desperate to hold onto. He asked if that was my most recent relationship and I hesitated and said yes. He caught me out and asked about the hesitation. So then I explained the Joey situation, followed by the Angelo situation. I said that I wanted to make things work with Angelo but that Joey was the true love of my life. He didn't give me all that much feedback, although he did say 'hmm' and nodded a few times while writing notes. It was kind of scary.

But all in all, I think it went well. I've just got off the phone to Ruby who was eager to find out how it all went. I decided not to tackle the fact that she more than likely skipped school today. I've learnt that I have to pick my fights! And I gather Martha caught them out anyway and made them work on the farm instead of getting away with doing nothing all day so at least she was doing something productive.

And in their defence, not that I agree with cutting classes, Xavier is feeling pretty messed up about Gina and John. Apparently, after he made peace with Gina yesterday, he laid into John and warned him to stay away from his mother. I can't think that has gone down very well! So scared of Gina's reaction to what he did, Xavier even tentatively asked Martha if he could move in with her at the farm. And I heard that Liam is staying put too.

In other news, Marilyn returned to the Bay today. I have yet to meet her but I'm sure it won't take long. From Alf's description, the woman makes a friend of everyone – except perhaps Colleen.

On her way in though, she stumbled across a guy who was bloodied and bruised and didn't even remember his own name. She rushed him to the hospital and I gather that Watson took the case on so I'll catch up with the situation when I go to work tomorrow. Apparently he was visiting his brother or something in the Bay.

It sounds like Marilyn has had a fair amount of tragedy in her life. She survived breast cancer recently and her baby died a few years ago. It's amazing that she can keep functioning after that. And I gather that where she has been living in the UK for the past few years, she became a bit of a minor celebrity. That must be pretty cool. I'm looking forward to meeting her.

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 25<strong>**th**** March**

**22:03**

**Home**

Between work, therapy, Angelo and Ruby I am utterly exhausted. I mean, I'm not seeing Angelo in anything more than a friend or colleague capacity but he keeps looking at me with these big eyes, silently screaming that he wants us to get back together. And I don't know what to say to him. Part of me wants to reassure him, wants to tell him that I'm working really hard on myself so that perhaps I can be the kind of girlfriend that he wants. But a bigger part of me doesn't want to admit the truth. And an even bigger part knows that if I was ever going to 'cure myself' it would be in a bid to win Joey back. Angelo is only ever going to be the second prize.

Things have been pretty busy in the Bay generally. Yesterday, this guy, Justin arrived in the Bay after an accident he can't currently remember. He was brought in by that Marilyn woman that Alf has been giddy about seeing again. And it turns out that Justin is Aden's brother. To be honest, I didn't even know he _had _a brother so it's big news all round really. I gather that he has been away for a few years, serving in the army. He abandoned Aden some years ago and hasn't kept in touch. I can only assume his absence is connected to their very troubled family history. So Justin showing up here like that must have been a real bolt out of the blue.

Watson attended the hospital yesterday and Rachel warned her that he might never remember anything about the accident. But the weird thing about it is that he came in covered in blood that doesn't quite match up to his injuries. Rachel suspects that someone else may have been hurt when Justin was so the race is on to try and find out what happened. So far, we have found his car but it was empty. Rachel said that the blood did match Justin's type so it's possible that it was his but the more likely scenario is that someone was in the car with him when he crashed.

I gather that he met Nicole for the first time today and Aden met Marilyn. I bumped into Aden very briefly and he said he was worried that Nicole isn't enjoying her internship as much as she is making out. It's a real shame though. She was so excited about it when it started.

I spoke to Rubes on the phone this evening and she said that it's all kicked off between Xavier and Gina. When Gina found out that Xavier had warned John to stay away from her, she dragged him to the Surf Club to apologise but he refused and was pretty rude to both of them. Tony sounds like he was helpful though. Apparently he told Xavier that nobody likes John except Gina but because she likes him, they all have to try and play nicely. Unfortunately, by the time Xavier calmed down and came home, Gina had decided that she wanted him to move out of the house and into the farm with Martha.

Martha collected him this morning to move him into her place before school. Ruby says that Xavier and Gina both seem pretty down about what's happened. I hope they can find a way to work through it. At least Xavier and Martha get along well though. They're technically family, aren't they?

Apparently he got started pretty quickly when it came to trying to puzzle out what kind of relationship Martha and Liam have. It's abundantly clear that there's a romantic interest there but she insists that they're just friends. I guess it must be pretty confusing for her, bearing in mind everything that she's been through over the last couple of years. And just like Tony and Ruby have both done, Martha basically told Xavier to put up and shut up about John for Gina's sake. I think it's good advice! Oh, and Tony has suggested that Xavier take on some extra-curricular sport to help him work through his aggression. I think that's also a probably good idea.

He spent pretty much the whole day trying to avoid Gina at school, which was probably quite hard considering that not only is she his mother, but she's also the school Principal. Apparently, they did have one awkward conversation but that was all.

But so far, it seems to be going well at the farm. Apparently Liam is the source of much amusement, always playing songs and singing at the top of his voice. Sometimes I forget that he was a big, hot shot rock star once upon a time.

In other news, I gather that Marilyn has already made her mark on Summer Bay. Miles, Alf and Nicole were all pretty flummoxed this morning when she had gutted out the kitchen and replaced all their food with healthy, organic vegetarian stuff. I'm partial to veggie stuff myself but somehow, I can't see Alf Stewart throwing a nut cutlet on a barbeque!

From what I can tell, this Marilyn woman, although of a particularly sunny disposition, has had a lot to deal with in her life. She lost her baby son a few years ago and she's battled breast cancer. I can hardly imagine going through those things. I felt really sad when I heard about it all.

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 26<strong>**th**** March**

**17:30**

**Home**

I had another session with Michael today. We're still very much in that 'get to know you' stage and although I am finding it helpful to sound off to someone about how messy my mind is right now, it's all still a bit scary.

Ruby came round for breakfast again this morning, which was really nice. I wasn't in the best of moods but she was really upbeat and encouraging about everything. She is also pretty pleased about me and Angelo spending more time together but I don't really know how I feel about all of that really. I guess that's why I'm in therapy.

Ruby said that Nicole is finding her internship a lot better now. Last night, she ended up helping Britt with some of her designs which have now been sold to a department store. I'm really pleased for her. It must be really exciting. Fashion is the only thing I've ever known that girl to want to do. And with things like that, often those dreams don't get fulfilled so it's pretty wonderful that she's getting a real shot at it.

Also, Romeo is really strung out about the school play, especially as he has to play a girl and wear a dress. I told Rubes to remind him that back in Shakespeare's time, all the female roles were played by men so really, this 'kooky' production is pretty traditional in those terms. She said she'd pass it on but wasn't sure it would help him much in the here and now. Apparently he's actually been throwing up with nerves!

Annie, however, is having a great time. Ruby said she is really enjoying the role and is utterly besotted with Romeo. Oh to be young and in love... and not so screwed up that you can't even function. I'd like to say I miss those days but I don't actually remember it being true for me. Well, not post-fourteen anyway. My life was never the same after that.

Fortunately, Ruby is absolutely loving the play. She's got right into the role of Mercutio. I suppose it makes sense that my drama queen daughter would be a fabulous actress! Angelo and I were talking about it over lunch today and I suggested that we could go together in a group. I'd really like to go and support her in her debut.

Apparently, she nearly knocked another cast member out when she waved her sword around a little too enthusiastically. And then she felt bad because she and the rest of the class walked in on Annie and Romeo in an inopportune moment – just as they were about to kiss. Lousy timing, hey? Oh, and she made a pretty good crack about it not being every day that you get kissed by Romeo and Juliet at the same time. That made me laugh!

Angelo and I ran into Michael at the Diner though and I got a bit anxious when he said hello so he backed off, which was kind. The last thing I want to do right now is explain to Angelo why I spend two hours a week in his upstairs office. It all still feels rather complicated. Anyway, I freaked enough to ditch Angelo for lunch, which I don't think impressed him much but never mind. He'll get over it, I'm sure.

I talked mostly about Angelo in my session today. I found myself listing all his good points, including that since we got over our trust issues, I know I can fully rely on him. I mean, I still miss Joey and I'd give anything to be with her again but, credit where it's due, he was really supportive over everything that happened with Ruby and Grant last year. That was literally hell on earth and I know he did his absolute best for me. And that means a lot.

I tried to explain that on the one hand, I want to be with him and on the other, the idea terrifies me. I feel so torn between not wanting to push him away and not being able to stop myself. The whole thing is really confusing.

We talked a little about Grant and how he pretty much ruined any chance I ever had of being in a happy relationship. We talked about Angelo some more and then about Joey. I admitted that I felt like I'd found my soul mate but I was so fucked up that I couldn't even hold onto her. It makes me wonder how I could even begin to make things work with my second choice. Surely half the battle about being happy with someone is that you love them and _want _it to work? I'm still not sure I'm there. I'm not sure that, Joey aside, I could _ever _be there. And that makes me so desperately sad. Even now, when he's dead and buried, Grant is still succeeding in ruining my life.

Anyway, I said that Angelo is good for me but that at least for now, I can't be with him. And while I do hope that one day, things will work out, I'm not sure he will have the patience to wait for me. He's been really understanding about us not being an item and it's things like that that make me miss him. But is that really enough?

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 28<strong>**th**** March**

**13:43**

**Preston Park**

It's been a kind of surreal weekend. I worked for most of yesterday and had today off. I drove out of the Bay this morning without telling anyone where I was going. I feel strange and unsure and my head feels like it's full of cotton wool. I can't help but sit here in the park, reflecting on my life and feeling heartbroken over all the bad choices I've made.

It was this time last year, almost to the minute that I realised for the first time that I was in love with Joey. If only I could go back, revisit myself and ensure that I handled things right. If only I could make things better. I wouldn't feel so empty. I wouldn't be so lost. I wouldn't have had to put myself into counselling for the sake of a guy that will only ever be second best.

Instead, I would be committed to the only person I have ever loved. I feel so sad about her. I know I'm doing the right thing by leaving her be and letting her live her life. She's happy now. And she's with someone who will undoubtedly treat her better than I ever did. At least, I hope so. I hope she's happy. And I hope that one day, although it's unlikely, I might be happy again too. I just wish I could figure out how.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 28<strong>**th**** March**

**20:43**

**Home**

It's been a pretty long day and I'm glad it's over. It's been a long time of reflection and acknowledgement over how dissatisfied I am with my life. And that's not a particularly comfortable place to be.

Hang on... Leah's home.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 28<strong>**th**** March**

**22:02**

**Home**

I just thought I'd finish up in here before I go to bed. I have work and then another therapy session tomorrow so I want to be calm and rested.

I had a nice chat with Leah though. She seems to have made some progress with Elijah. She told him that she feels like he is keeping something from her and that if he has something to say then he ought to just say it. He didn't but they had coffee together and currently, she feels like she's a teenager again. I think it's pretty cute.

She says that she thinks I'll tell Angelo about the counselling when I'm ready. I hope she's right. For now, I feel like I'm going to be isolated for the rest of my life.

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Angelo befriends Michael, Charlie continues to miss Joey and Nicole falls out with Ruby…<em>


	98. Chapter 98

**Chapter Ninety Eight**

**Monday 29****th**** March**

**17:17**

**Home**

Okay, I'm panicking. I think Angelo and Michael (you know, my THERAPIST) are friends! How could this even happen? Why couldn't I be left to deal with all this stuff by myself? Does Angelo have to damn well interfere in every single area of my pathetic life? Why can't I have something that's just for me? It's not fair!

Okay, it all started when at work this morning. I met up with Angelo at the hospital because there was an accident at a building site that we had to investigate. Angelo suspected that the guy driving the bulldozer had been drunk but that turned out to be a red herring. When we breathalysed him, he was clear.

But it kind of felt like he was playing some sort of game with me – Angelo, not the driver. He kept talking about keeping secrets and how they're dangerous and stuff. And then on the way out, he mentioned meeting Michael for lunch. He seemed to be puzzling out his name and trying to get me to react. I didn't give anything away but now I'm terrified that he knows I'm seeing him for counselling. I really don't feel ready to tell him about it. Not yet. Maybe not ever.

He said that Michael is potentially selling him a boat and then invited me to the lunch. I said no, of course and maintained that I don't really do boats. And another concern is that if Angelo does buy one, will he expect me to go out on it with him? There's no way I'm doing that. Boats are Joey's thing. I'd feel like I was cheating on her. Again. And that just rams home to me how messed up I am. I'm pining for my lost love and I can't even make it work with my second choice. I'm truly surprised that I haven't been in therapy sooner.

The whole thing seriously affected my therapy session today. I couldn't settle and it wasn't very productive. I tried to find out if he knew Angelo but he wasn't prepared to tell me anything. And now I don't really know what to do.

Anyway, I tried to have a bath when I got back but I couldn't relax enough so I thought I'd write in here in a bid to centre my thoughts. Leah should be home soon so she should provide a welcome distraction. _Please_ let her provide a welcome distraction...

* * *

><p><strong>Monday 29<strong>**th**** March**

**22:12**

**Home**

She provided a welcome distraction. Of course, her head is full of Elijah as usual. She said he was a little strange with her during class today but rather than upsetting her, she's happy with the idea that he is struggling with his feelings for her. I hope they both get over it soon! It's clear that they want to be together. What's holding them back? And yes, I am painfully aware of the irony of my words. I'm not really the right person to criticise another person's handling of a relationship...

Apparently Romeo is really struggling with the school play. Things seem to be going really well between him and Annie but he's terrified of playing a woman in front of the whole town. Irene is pretty concerned about Annie though. I have to admit that she has really grown up while she's been away. And Leah can't believe how quickly VJ is growing up too. He starts high school next year – how scary is that!?

The guy playing the nurse in the play has already dropped out. He's got the same issues Romeo has. When he tried on his costume, Romeo had to call on Miles to help him. I gather it's a white dress, complete with angel wings – very Clare Danes! He's terrified of looking stupid, especially in front of Annie and so he quit the play completely.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 30<strong>**th**** March**

**12:30**

**The Beach**

This time last year was one of the worst and best days of my life.

Joey went missing. She'd been kidnapped by Robbo who tried to kill her. I saved her life but she was determined to skip town because of how complicated things had become between us. And I kissed her.

I bailed afterwards and it led to several waves of panic but I loved that kiss. Up till that point, it was the best kiss I'd ever had. I'd never loved anyone like that before. I'd never kissed someone passionately and been in love with them at the same time.

I still remember her lips. She'll be etched in my memory forever. But she will always remain out of reach now. I didn't appreciate what I had when I had it and now I've lost her. But I will always, always love her... with every beat of my heart.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 31<strong>**st**** March**

**18:15**

**Home**

On this day, last year, Joey told me that she loved me for the first time. I wonder if I am always going to find this time of year so hard. I can hardly bear to think where I will be next year, what I'll be doing and whether I will still be missing Joey with all my heart.

Anyway... distracting news... anything to fill my brain instead of how sad I feel right now...

I gather all is not well at the caravan park. Miles and Marilyn had a big argument this morning. She has been making all these changes to the house to make it energy friendly and vegetarian and all that hippy, new age stuff and he can't cope with it. He tried to make up with her but ended up telling her that she has to move out, which in turn caused a row between him and Alf. I believe Miles then backtracked and tried to get her to stay but she refused. But there was at least a happy ending. Alf forced Miles to apologise properly, which he did and she has agreed to stay at the house. Hopefully peace will last!

And most excitingly, Leah and Elijah are finally going on a date. Praise the Lord! Literally! Leah has been fretting about the situation for ages and despite Miles's objections, she decided to take the plunge and ask Elijah out. She said that he was hesitant at first but then accepted and now she is beyond excited about it all. I just hope that the reality matches up to the dream she has in her head. She's such a wonderful woman. I have so much respect and love for her. She deserves good things to happen, especially after such a lifetime of tragedy.

Damn, I miss Joey. I miss her so, so much.

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 1<strong>**st**** April 2010**

**20:02**

**Home**

I pretty much worked all day, although Ruby and I are heading into the city to spend the weekend with Dad. On Saturday, it will be two years since Mum died so we're going to her grave to lay flowers and everything. Morag is going to give us some space because obviously, she didn't really know Mum but we're all going to have dinner together in the evening. One thing I really like about Morag is that she's always happy to talk about her. And I know I talk about her a lot. I guess it makes me feel like I'm still connected to her in some way and that she's still with us.

I think it will be kind of weird this year, though. This time last year, so many things were different. For starters, I was trying and failing not to fall in love with Joey. This year, I'm trying to figure out if I could ever love Angelo. And last year, Ruby still thought we were sisters. This year, things are a lot more complicated.

I briefly got to talk to Ruby today, which was nice, although I am very much looking forward to having more time together at the weekend. She's tying herself up in knots about this play and panicking about remembering all her lines. I have to say that a Shakespeare play is a pretty big deal! But I am so proud of her for going for it and I think she's going to be great. Oh, and she's somehow managed to convince Xavier to take on the role of the nurse now that the other guy has dropped out. I'm not even going to think about what she might have done to win him over. All the boys, including Romeo appear to have walked out!

Maybe for Xavier, it's a distraction. He is still living with Martha and Liam at the farm and things don't seem to be any better between him and his mother. Gina blanked him at school today and now he thinks that she doesn't care about him anymore. It's a very sad situation. I really hope they are able to work through everything. He and Ruby went for lunch at the Diner but when Xavier saw Gina and Tony having lunch together, he stormed out. Ruby ran after him and she's made it clear that he can't keep running away from his Mum but it must be such a difficult situation.

Ruby was also pretty concerned about Nicole. That woman she's been interning for, Britt, has used some of Nicole's designs in her latest collection without crediting her. I'd have to look into it properly and maybe quiz Morag a little but it's more of civil issue than a criminal one and I'm not sure if Nicole really has a leg to stand on. The circumstances would have to be pretty specific if she were to push ahead with a case. But I've told Ruby to direct Nicole to me if she does want to pursue something. I'll happily help her if I can.

Unfortunately, Nicole isn't very happy with Ruby now. She told Aden about her concerns over Nicole and Britt and now Nicole is angry with her for interfering. I hope that she realises quickly that Ruby only mentioned it because she is so concerned about her. And I hope that she will actually take the opportunity to talk things through with Aden. He obviously loves her very much and I'm sure he will help her through anything that he can.

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 2<strong>**nd**** April**

**22:00**

**Dad and Morag's House**

It's been a pretty long day and I'm very much looking forward to sleep. Tomorrow will be hard, I know but I hope that we can all get through it as a family – including Morag.

Angelo was in kind of a strange mood today. I'm not entirely sure where I stand with him at the moment. He's collecting his new boat from Michael tomorrow and he's really excited about it. Plus, it sounds like he wants to be friends with him. He was even talking about inviting him on board for a few beers.

The whole thing creeps me out. What if Angelo figures out that Michael is my therapist? It would totally feel like the end of the world. And I wish I was exaggerating!

Ugh, just the thought of it makes me shudder.

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 3<strong>**rd**** April**

**21:39**

**Dad and Morag's House**

Well, it's been two years since Mum died. I think this day of the year will always be hard. I guess that's the way it's supposed to be.

Dad, Ruby and I went to her grave. We tidied it up and laid flowers and stuff. Dad seemed to really struggle but more with his fading memory than everything else.

We had dinner with Morag this evening and spent a fair bit of time talking about Mum, recalling memories and stuff. It was nice. It was a struggle but it was nice. I really miss her.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 4<strong>**th**** April**

**23:01**

**Home**

We arrived home a few hours ago and I reluctantly dropped Ruby at Irene's house. I wish she still lived here with me. I miss her so much.

I'm back at work tomorrow and then I have therapy in the afternoon. I think it's doing me good but I find it traumatic to psyche myself up to go. Do you think that's normal? Why am I asking questions of a book? A book that _I'm _writing in. I think I really must be nuts.

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Charlie discovers Angelo has been stalking her, Leah and Elijah go on a date and Aden and Justin fall out…<em>


	99. Chapter 99

**Chapter Ninety Nine**

**Monday 5****th**** April**

**17:32**

**Home**

I am so fucking fucked off with that fucking little shit! Ugh! I can't even write about it. I just want to go round and punch his fucking lights out!

* * *

><p><strong>Monday 5<strong>**th**** April**

**19:00**

**Home**

I should probably explain my last entry. Basically, all the while I've been dragging myself through therapy and trying to be the kind of woman who can have a successful relationship, and all the while I thought Angelo was working hard to be my friend instead of my boyfriend, he was setting me up. He's been lying to me for well, I don't even know _how_ long! All this time, I thought he was a good guy and really, he's just a fucking stalker.

The day started out fine. I was working in the morning and planning to head over to Michael's in the afternoon for my next session. I stopped at the Diner for lunch when I got an urgent phone call from Martha, asking to meet me. As I was leaving, I ran into Angelo, who quizzed me about what I was doing after my shift. I guess I was a little cagey with him but I didn't want him to know about Michael yet. That's why I freaked a little when he said hello to me in the Diner when I was with Angelo that time. Maybe that's when Angelo started spying on me. I'm not sure. And I'm too damn angry to sit down with him and find out. If I see his smug face again, I might well punch him.

I met up with Martha before my session and she quizzed me about the engagement ring Hugo left her. She wanted to know if it was a crime to keep it when it was bought with illegally obtained cash. I explained that she would only be charged if it could be proved that she knew about how it was paid for. I also explained that if she was to talk to the police, the ring would be automatically confiscated. Then I told her that she should do whatever she likes with the ring, just don't tell anyone. She pointed out that she'd just told me but I feigned innocence.

She just seemed so sad. I understand the pain of losing someone you love, although fortunately not to death. I know how much it hurts and everything with Hugo had already happened on top of so many other things, getting kidnapped, losing Jack, losing a baby, getting cancer... Cop or not, how could I even think about taking her ring from her? It's one of the only things she has left. Hugo might have been a monster but the love he and Martha shared was genuine. Everyone knows that. No, there's no way I could take that from her.

I went for my session with Michael and we started to pick apart my behaviour in relationships. It all seems great at the start, I'm happy and fun to be around. Then when it steps up a gear, I panic and run away. I was upset when Roman and I broke up but part of me was relieved too. I've panicked every single time Angelo and I have started to get more serious. And as for Joey... well, I think I'd need a lifetime of therapy to understand that one.

I loved her so much. I loved her more than I could or have ever loved another person. And yet I betrayed her in the worst way. I hurt her so badly. She had no choice but to leave me and I've been lost ever since. I miss her so badly.

In my appointments with Michael, I've been mostly talking about Angelo. Partly, it's because I want to keep things current and it was my breakup with Angelo that brought me here. But it's also because I find it so hard to talk about Joey. I've told him about her but we haven't gone into anything in detail. I'm comfortable with him and he's a great counsellor but I don't want to weep all over him. That would be a step too far.

Anyway, we were just getting to the part about _why _I flee from relationships. Michael asked if I was afraid of getting hurt. I said that I was more afraid of hurting other people. I mentioned Angelo but I meant Joey. I can hardly live with myself knowing how badly I hurt her. Anyway, we were just about to analyse the statement when we heard a particularly girlie scream from outside.

We raced out and found none other than Angelo, lying winded on the pavement. I said his name and Michael said another name – Leo. Basically, the little prick made up a lie and gave a fake name in order to get to know Michael. That's why he bought the boat from him. He's been stalking both of us. I admit I threatened violence. I've hardly been so angry in my life and I'm not exactly the most peaceful, laidback of people. He even tried to convince me that we were living in some crappy romantic comedy where the plotline of some guy stalking his ex-girlfriend could be funny. Seriously?! What world does he live in? It's not funny. It's fucking creepy!

Michael and I went back inside and he was really great about everything, although he says that the conflict of interest now could be tricky to work out. I felt like I was starting to get somewhere with him and if Angelo has fucked it up for me then I will kill him. Okay, maybe that's a bit extreme. Last time I threatened to kill somebody, they wound up dead and I nearly got sent down for murder so I might keep statements like that under my hat from now on!

Anyway, when I left, I found 'Leo' still hanging around outside. He tried to talk to me but I was so angry. I threw a few choice words at him like 'psycho stalker' and 'crazy ex-boyfriend'. Thinking about it, I could definitely have come up with something wittier. He told me that he was upset that I was dating a new guy, which actually made me laugh. Against my better judgement, I told him that Michael is my counsellor. We then got into a row about whether he was stalking me in a legal or illegal fashion.

Regardless, he's a prick and I hate him. He accepted that he was an idiot and I added that he was selfish and self-absorbed. Then I drove off in a temper. And, well... I've been fuming ever since. I don't know why I was even _trying _to become a better person for him. He never deserved a girlfriend in the first place. Arrogant little shit.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 6<strong>**th**** April**

**12:53**

**The Beach**

I'm feeling particularly irritable today and I think I might punch the next person who pisses me off. Fingers crossed that it will be Angelo. I'm still so angry with him.

Unfortunately, every fucker in this town is on his side. He keeps getting teased about it, as if it's funny and not ridiculously creepy that he's been spying on me for weeks. In what world is that acceptable behaviour?!

I ranted to Leah about it before work but she's so swoony and pleased with herself about scoring a date with Elijah that she thinks everything in the whole damn world is romantic. She said that Angelo made a mistake but that I should take it as a compliment. She actually said that I was being too harsh! Too harsh!? He's lucky his bollocks are still attached. Prick. I could get him arrested for stalking.

Then, when I told Ruby what had happened, she thought it was romantic too. It only pissed me off more. Why am I the only person who seems to realise that he crossed a line? Well, Michael understands but nobody else seems to think he's done anything wrong. Ruby is convinced that Angelo and I can work through it. I don't _want _to work through it. Right now, I hate him. He's an obsessive, controlling little shit. He's selfish, self absorbed, arrogant and smug. I don't know what I ever saw in him in the first place. How could I ever have gone from my beautiful, perfect Joey to that dick? I hate him.

Even Alf thinks it was funny. If I can't count on a Summer Bay stalwart to be fair, who else is there?

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 6<strong>**th**** April**

**18:10**

**Home**

I feel a bit mellower than I did before but I'm still unhappy. In fact, I feel very lost and very confused.

Angelo had taken the morning off work in a bid to avoid me. And I gather he'd had words with Michael about the fact that he had created such a conflict of interest for the three of us.

Anyway, when he did show up I was understandably (unless you're Leah or Ruby or the rest of the whole town) frosty with him. But then he totally blindsided me by actually apologising. I don't think I've ever heard the word 'sorry' escape his lips before. I'm still angry with him but he seemed very sincere. He expressed shock that I was seeing a counsellor and admitted that he is selfish and self obsessed. He told me that since we broke up, he's only thought about his own feelings and his own pain and didn't stop to think about what I was going through. He then promised to be there for whatever I needed. He said that he should have listened to me a long time ago.

I was pretty stunned, to be honest. He doesn't apologise easily and the whole thing was kind of confusing. I thanked him and at least some form of easy conversation was able to start. I don't really know what I want though. I don't know what's right for us. The whole thing is really confusing and I don't want to make any decisions until I'm sure about how I feel.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 7<strong>**th**** April**

**21:00**

**Home**

Leah had a good first date with Elijah, over which she is still swooning. They went out for a pizza, wanting to keep things casual and not too intense. Despite the supposed casualness, Leah took the afternoon off and went all out to get ready, including a face mask and waxing her legs. I've never quite braved the latter of those beauty treatments, I must admit. I'm more of a razor girl!

Anyway, while she was transitioning from Leah to Super Leah, Elijah showed up. He didn't realise that he was an hour early and he'd been really sweet to bring her flowers and stuff. But she yelped when she pulled a strip of wax off and, thinking she was in danger, he rushed in. She was pretty humiliated and shouted at him. Poor guy. She said he was really bewildered but they sorted things out and he came back at the right time eventually.

They went for some drinks at the Surf Club before they headed out for their meals and Alf gave them some free beverages, which was nice of him. She said they talked loads about their families, histories and lives and she found him to be really easy company. They even kissed in the rain at the end of the night. Cute or what?

VJ has been less than keen though. He met Elijah for the first time today. He was pretty doubtful at first but I gather the Reverend managed to win him over. He started off stroppy (VJ, not Elijah) but warmed to his mother's new boyfriend when he shared a few choice stories. I believe one of them involved vomit. Or something. I don't think I really want to know.

I overheard Alf and Colleen squabbling over Marilyn's virtue. Colleen has some serious issues with the poor woman. Personally, I find her very bubbly, kind and personable. Leah said that Colleen ended up having a 'hypothetical' conversation with Elijah about the concept of forgiveness though and I think he gave her a lot to think about. So hopefully things will smooth themselves out soon.

I also heard on the grapevine that Aden and Justin have fallen out. It turns out that Justin was abused by their grandfather, the same way Aden and Larry were. So, not only did Larry know what his father was like without protecting his sons, Justin also walked out and left poor Aden to bear the brunt of the abuse. They had a massive row on the beach. I can't blame Aden. How do you even start to get over that?

Annie and Romeo are still dancing round the issue of whether they should be together or not. I can relate. But I don't want to talk about that. Quite frankly, that's why I'm currently telling the story of everyone in the Bay but me.

She has managed to convince him to rejoin the play though. It seems like he's suffering from serious nerves and stage fright so hopefully she can help him get over that. She and Ruby are both concerned though. Romeo is only really doing the play because Annie wants him to and Ruby is concerned that things will go wrong because of that.

But yesterday, Ruby and Annie took him to task to help him with his confidence around having to wear a dress and everything. Their big plan? They dressed him in a girl's school uniform and made him stay in it for the whole day. The rest of the school naturally found it all very amusing, of course but surprisingly, it actually worked. Romeo realised that if he could handle a day in drag as himself, then he could just about be Juliet in the play. Good for him. Oh, and they actually kissed each other yesterday, which has got to be a step in the right romantic direction.

Ruby is also particularly thrilled with her costume, including that she gets to play with a sword. I really hope it's plastic!

And now that I have run out of stalling tactics, I will stop writing and watch some TV before bed.

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 9<strong>**th**** April**

**18:00**

**Home**

I feel like I'm at a crossroads in my life right now. Things with Angelo feel so complicated. My heart refuses to heal after Joey and I don't know what to do next.

On the one hand, I appreciate the single life. It suits me. It's nice to be able to do whatever I like and not have to report to anyone. I like being in charge of my own life and, particularly with Angelo, I wouldn't get that in a relationship.

Having said that, it's kind of lonely. I don't like myself enough to appreciate my own company. I don't like being alone. It makes me feel empty. But in the past, I've always decided it's better to be with the wrong person than nobody at all.

And on the one hand, even though he has apologised and I really think that he meant it, Angelo stalking me really freaked me out. He made up a name and befriended my counsellor because he thought he was my boyfriend. He followed me around and climbed up a tree for a better view of what I might be doing in Michael's house. It's scary that he's that obsessive and the whole thing makes me really uncomfortable.

But, having said _that_, I seem to be the only person who feels this way. Leah and Ruby both think Angelo was being romantic and Alf and Miles and Martha all found it hilarious that he could be so stupid. And that makes me feel like I'm overreacting. Am I overreacting? Is it romantic for my ex-boyfriend to spy on me? I don't feel like it is but if everyone else feels differently, then maybe I'm the one in the wrong?

They all keep going on about how much Angelo loves me. And I know I don't feel the same. But the more that they all go on about it, the more I feel terrible for not being in love with him. It's like the whole Bay has decided that Angelo and I are love's young dream and we're meant to be together. But again, I don't feel the same. Or... well, maybe I do.

In my heart, I know that the person I want to be with is Joey. But I ruined that and I lost her. And the more I think about it, the more I realise that we probably weren't destined to be together. And it's not that we weren't in love because we were – although she expressed it better than I did. But Joey is such an amazing person. She is so beautiful inside and outside. Even with everything that happened to her, she still tried to see the good in people, even me. She always tried her best and I found her to be such a gentle soul.

And that's the reason why I don't think we were meant to be. She is so good and I'm so opposite to that that I know I would never be good enough for her. I think we had the potential to work because I feel like, if I hadn't fucked up so badly then she could have turned me into a better person.

Angelo is flawed. He makes bad choices, he upsets me all the frickin' time. He's arrogant and selfish and would always put himself ahead of anyone else. He's certain that he's right about everything and a lot of the time, he infuriates me. If we have any kind of connection then it's physical but since discovering what it's like to make love to Joey, I don't particularly enjoy it with him now. I mean, it's okay but it's nothing to write home about, you know?

I'm also a flawed person. Everyone keeps telling me that it's perfectly okay that he started stalking me. So maybe they all think I have ideas above my station. Perhaps Angelo is the kind of person I'm meant to be with. Perhaps I don't deserve better than him. I had one shot at being with someone absolutely amazing and I blew it. I'm starting to think that this is all that's left. I don't think I'm supposed to be in a happy relationship. I know that Angelo and I wouldn't be happy together, or at least, I know that _I _wouldn't be happy. But if that's all there is, if that's all I'm worth then maybe I should just resign myself to that truth.

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 10<strong>**th**** April**

**11:31**

**The Beach**

My head is still full of cotton wool and I'm feeling really down, like I'm trapped out of time and space and I don't know where to turn next. The beach has always had a calming effect on me, especially since I started associating the sea with Joey. Sometimes the connection with her helps but sometimes it hurts. It's hit and miss really. But so far, I seem to be doing okay.

I'm working later this afternoon so I figured I'd get some me time in before I start. I think I'm working the same shift as Angelo and I feel really strange around him at the moment. Wish me luck.

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 10<strong>**th**** April**

**21:00**

**Home**

Work was okay. Nothing particularly exciting happened. We're still trying to figure out who is responsible for the vandalism round town. I don't know whether the team we have working on it is incompetent or the graffiti artist is particularly clever. I hope we catch them soon, not least because of how many complaints Colleen throws at me whenever I go to the Diner. And I imagine she says the same thing to Angelo, Watson and the rest of the team too.

Leah is still on cloud nine after her date with Elijah. I'm glad she's happy. She deserves it and he genuinely seems like a nice guy. Colleen is being a bit of a witch about it though. She keeps insisting that it's sinful for Leah to be dating a Reverend when they don't share the same faith. I dread to think what she must have said about Joey and I when we were together. Fortunately, I don't recall any remarks made directly to me.

And seriously, why can't I write a diary entry without mentioning Joey? Am I still that hooked on her, even after all this time? I miss her so much right now. This time last year, we were on the verge of getting together. If I only I could go back and give myself a talking to, make myself realise what I had and what I was about to lose.

Anyway, I invited Ruby round for dinner but she said she was too tired. She was pretty cagey about what she's been doing all day but it sounds like everyone is worried about Xavier. He's already moved into the farm and still isn't really on speaking terms with Gina. But Tony introduced him to boxing today. Ruby finds the whole thing hilarious and thinks that even she could beat Xavier in a boxing match. She may have a point.

The last I heard though, Tony and Xavier did some sparring just as Gina walked in and it's all kicked off. Gina is anti-boxing and is refusing to let her son be part of that world. I can understand her concerns. Boxing is obviously very violent, but it's also very skilful. And if someone has issues with aggression or frustration, it's a way for them to get it out of their system in a safe space. And while Xavier is a good kid with a heart of gold, I can only imagine the stress he must still be going through. I can't help but think his objection to Gina and John's relationship is more about his unresolved issues with everything that happened with Hugo.

Just thinking about that vile man makes my skin crawl. How could I ever have let him go anywhere near me, especially when I was with someone as amazing as Joey? The whole thing still makes me feel sick. And I wonder now if I will ever be able to let go of the past.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 11<strong>**th**** April**

**13:32**

**The Beach**

I have the day off today so I am just trying to chill out and fix my head. I thought writing all my feelings down the other day would help but it hasn't. I still feel as lost as I did before.

I popped into the Diner after the gym in order to grab a coffee. I meant to stay in there but Colleen kept whinging about the vandalism and I just couldn't take it so I'm out here instead, searching for peace.

I gather that people are really starting to worry about Martha. I can't help but think that it's delayed grief after everything she's been through. Apparently she keeps crying and Liam never knows where he stands with her, which I guess is why he's moving out.

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Charlie and Joey miss each other on what would have been a year together, the police delve into Justin's accident and Elijah shocks Leah with a painful revelation…<em>


	100. Chapter 100

_I was so unsure about posting this story. I had it for ages before I starting putting it up here and now we're at chapter one hundred! So I just want to take this moment to say thank you for reading and reviewing, especially so positively. I really appreciate it. I may or may not update tomorrow but then I won't be update again until later in the week. I have a visitor for the next few days and then I'll be rushing back 'home' to welcome the newest addition to my family into the world! I'm going to be an auntie again! Very exciting! Love, IJKS xxx_

**Chapter One Hundred**

**Monday 12****th**** April**

**18:12**

**Home**

I'm having dinner at home with Leah tonight and I am mostly looking forward to it. I'm really glad that she's happy and everything but she is currently seeing everything through a romantic light and both she and Ruby have made it abundantly clear that they think Angelo and I should be back together.

Gina has agreed to let Xavier do the boxing, which is a real turnaround. She has said that if he comes back to live with her, and she doesn't have John stay over, then he can carry on boxing. I gather that a big part of the decision is because Martha's doesn't need the pressure of looking after him. She's still having a really bad time. I think I am going to try and meet up with her sometime this week.

* * *

><p><strong>Monday 12<strong>**th**** April**

**22:12**

**Home**

I had quite a nice evening with Leah tonight. She is in a really good place with Elijah at the moment and she's thrilled that he and VJ are getting along well. I know VJ was reluctant at first but Elijah seems like a keeper. Colleen is still objecting to their relationship and Leah is convinced that she won't see all that much of Elijah while he is running this clergy retreat.

Leah was actually pretty mellow about Angelo though. Normally, she and Ruby badger me to get back with him and give him another chance. But she didn't this evening, which was a relief. I opened up to her about some stuff and she seems to have a little more understanding about how I feel about the whole stalking thing.

And I admitted to her that Joey is still the person I'm in love with. She told me that I either have to try and win Joey back or I have to move on with my life. Hanging around in limbo isn't doing me any good. I think she's right. I want to win Joey back but I know I can't. Firstly, why would she even consider it after I hurt her so badly? And secondly, she's moved on and she has a nice life now. She's better off without me. Maybe everyone is. Even Angelo.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 13<strong>**th**** April**

**10:13**

**Home**

I took today off sick. I hadn't booked it as holiday because I was hoping that I could keep it together enough to go in. I thought it would be a good distraction from the fact that today, I should be celebrating my one year anniversary with Joey. I feel sick about everything I have lost. I feel angry that it's all my fault. And I feel so desperately sad about the way things ended up.

I could be so happy today. It could have been one of the best days of my life. But now, I just feel empty. I feel like I have nothing. I miss her so much. A big part of me wants to get in touch with her but what would I say? Would she even remember that this would have been an important day for us? Does she even remember me at all? Or is she thrilled to have escaped. Perhaps while I'm sitting here longing for what could have been, she's somewhere else, relieved that things didn't turn out the way we planned.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 13<strong>**th**** April**

**13:32**

**Home**

Joey sent me a text message. I don't know if it's coincidence or if she was aware that today would have been our anniversary. She just said: _I've been thinking about you so I thought I would drop you a text to say hello and see how you are. J xxx_

I don't quite know how to respond. I can't exactly tell her how I am. I'm shit! Leah's words from last night have been ringing in my ears but I know I can't make a play for her again. I can't mess up the life she has created for herself. But I love her so much.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 13<strong>**th**** April**

**19:03**

**Home**

I replied by telling her that she will always be the best thing that's ever happened to me and that I will never forgive myself for losing her. Then I wished her well in life and thanked her for getting in touch.

She replied with: _A huge part of me will always be in love with you, Charlie. And I will never stop thanking you for everything you did for me. I wish you would forgive yourself and heal. You deserve a happy life. Go out and grab it. As much as it breaks me to say it, you have to leave me behind._

I told her that I knew that that's what I had to do but that I didn't seem to know how to let her go.

She said: _I feel the same in a lot of ways. I don't think I'll ever say goodbye forever. You've meant so much to me over the last year. And you never know, maybe there will be another time for us. But I think it'll have to take us by surprise, we can't go out searching for it._

I feel pretty heavy hearted. It's frustrating to know that she still has feelings for me but she's made it abundantly clear that she doesn't want us to try again. I know I have to let go and I genuinely hope that whatever she's doing now and whoever she's with, that she is happy beyond the telling of it. It just sucks that now I've lost the love of my life, the best I can hope for is Angelo. I do really like him but... he'll never compare. He could never love me the way Joey did. And I could never love him. At all.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 14<strong>**th**** April**

**23:00**

**Home**

Martha is still struggling with everything that's happened over the last few months. I visited her this evening, just for an hour or so and we chatted about a lot of things. She couldn't seem to talk about Hugo but she is really struggling with Liam. He wants to save their friendship, or relationship, or whatever it is by moving out but Martha desperately doesn't want him to go.

I phoned Ruby when I got home and we had a nice chat. She says things seem to be going well between Romeo and Annie, although she was rather scandalised that good girl Annie broke into the school theatre with him. She only told me that after I promised not to tell anyone else. She didn't want her friends to get into trouble. Quite frankly, so long as they didn't get hurt (it's being redone for the play) and they didn't do any damage, I'm not about to kick up a fuss.

Also, I heard from Leah that Miles isn't doing too well. Everyone seems to have noticed and it appears that Elijah, Marilyn and Alf are all particularly concerned. I have to admit that every time I've seen him lately, he seems to be rather erratic, like he has something charging around in his brain that he has no control over. Really, he hasn't been the same since he lost Kirsty, Ollie and the baby. Apparently, he has now broken his ankle after falling down the stairs.

Leah was feeling a bit fretful about this clergy retreat that Elijah is hosting. He made some remark about her not embarrassing him and even though he was joking and was quick to assure her as such, she has rather taken it to heart. He also backed out of having dinner with her and Miles yesterday so I think she is silently panicking that things have gone wrong before they've even begun. But he did clarify that he only made the embarrassment comment because he knows his colleague will rib him because he is always the one who never has a date.

On the plus side, he and VJ are really bonding. They've been playing soccer together and having fun. I hope Leah gets her wish of becoming a proper family unit. Although, maybe not too proper. If they got married or something, wouldn't I have to move out? I know that's really selfish but I like living here! I gather that VJ has opened up a little about not having ever really known his Dad, Vinnie. But apparently he told him that with all the stories people tell him, he's hoping that it will eventually become like he knew him after all. That's pretty sweet. He's such a good kid.

This evening, I was watching some TV and Leah was doing some work at the table when VJ appeared, eagerly asking if they were going to see Elijah tomorrow. He declared that he was 'a nice bloke'. It was all very random but Leah is pleased – this is the first boyfriend she's had that he's liked immediately. I remember when she was meant to be going on that date with that guy when Joey was living here. What was his name? George? VJ kept having temper tantrums until Joey figured out what his issue was and Leah cancelled the date. And he wasn't all that keen on her dating Roman. I'm not sure if he ever had all that much to do with Robertson. The less said about him, the better.

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 15<strong>**th**** April**

**22:22**

**Home**

It's been a pretty heavy day for a lot of people. I still feel like I'm kind of wandering around in a trance. I keep thinking that this time last year, I was happy and lucky enough to be with Joey and now that life is a world away from me now. I wish I could reach a place where I'm not hit with the stark realisation that she's gone for good, every single day. It just hurts too much. I wish I could let go.

I'm currently very worried about Aden. Rachel reported yesterday that the DNA tests she did on the blood found of Justin, did indeed belong to someone else. And the someone else's name is none other than Larry Jeffries. We checked up on him and he was released on parole the day that Justin showed up in the Bay but he hasn't been heard from since. With the level of blood we found, the chances are that if Larry did survive an initial accident or attack, he would easily have died afterwards if he hadn't got any help. And just to make things even more suspect, Justin was the person who collected him from prison.

I called them down to the station for an interview this afternoon. Angelo and I confronted them with our new information and they seemed quite calm, although perhaps not honest. Justin claims that he dropped Larry off at a pub before he drove to the Bay. I'm not convinced and nor is Angelo. If Larry hadn't been involved in the accident, then where did all the blood come from? Their hands were pretty scratched up and they told us that they tried to go fishing last night when they were drunk.

Things feel a little bit better with Angelo. I think. I mean, well sort of. He's been feeling pretty sheepish after the tree incident and even admitted to Leah that he's been largely avoiding the Diner because of it. Weirdly, the only person other than me that seems to think he's done wrong is him! Leah and Ruby still think it was sweet and Alf and Miles still find the whole thing hilarious. It's kind of irritating.

When I went to see Leah this afternoon, she was busily swooning over Elijah. Apparently he noticed how rushed off her feet she was this morning and walked VJ to school for her. That's pretty good of him, I think. Colleen is still being overly critical though, which is annoying. Leah and Elijah aren't doing anything wrong by being together. He's not a Catholic priest – he's allowed to have relationships. And it's not like they've leapt straight into bed either. I gather that they are taking things really slowly.

In rather more shocking news, it turns out that Elijah has been keeping secrets. He confessed to Leah today that in his last parish, he was called to the local hospital to visit a man who'd had a bad farming accident. It was something to do with a tractor and he'd known he would probably die from his injuries. The man turned out to be Vinnie, Leah's first husband. Everyone has thought he was dead all this time. They were told that he'd died in a fire in prison some years ago when VJ was still very young. But Leah knew that it was a cover up and Vinnie was actually taken into Witness Protection.

Elijah told her that Vinnie talked a lot about his family, right up to the end. And he was with him when he died. Leah was naturally heartbroken. At least in the back of her mind, she has spent all these years hoping that Vinnie would one day come home. But he really is gone now.

Elijah was very apologetic about it all but Leah doesn't blame him for not telling her the truth from the start. I mean, how do you even begin to explain that kind of situation? And of course, then there is the complication of their feelings for each other. I certainly don't envy him. Unfortunately, VJ overheard them talking on the beach and he is now both furious and heartbroken. He ran off and Leah chased after him but this evening has been pretty difficult at home.

I offered to try and explain the concept of Witness Protection to him but Leah said it was something she had to deal with by herself. I gave them space to talk but hung around in case she needed help. I tried not to eavesdrop but I did hear VJ express sadness that he is one of the only kids in his class that doesn't have a Dad. Leah explained that because Vinnie wasn't allowed to see them, it was easier to stick to the lie rather than try and explain the truth. She apologised for keeping secrets from him but tried to make him understand that it was for his own protection. Vinnie was caught up in a dangerous situation and it was safer for VJ to stay out of it completely.

When she said that Elijah was the last person to have seen Vinnie alive, VJ begged for the chance to talk to him and find out everything he could about the Dad he never knew. When VJ went to his room, I came back out of the kitchen and tried to support Leah as best I could. I'm not sure I was much help – I mean, what do you say in that kind of situation? But she broke down at the realisation that Vinnie is now really gone and they're not pretending anymore.

I'm hoping to get to spend some time with Ruby at the weekend. It's hard not living with her because we have to make a special effort to see each other. I miss not having as much to do with her as I used to and now she and Xavier are back together and she's still cranky that I'm not with Angelo, it's getting trickier to be with her. So I'm hoping we can rectify some things soon and start hanging out again. I wanted to see her tonight but she said she and Xavier were going for dinner down at the farm with Martha.

I'm glad the kids are spending time with her. She seems so down at the moment, especially now that Liam has moved out. Every time I see her, she just seems to be the shadow of the person she used to be. It's heartbreaking really.

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 16<strong>**th**** April**

**15:43**

**The Beach**

I like days when I only work until the afternoon and then get the chance to hang out on the beach and enjoy the sunshine. What's the point of living in a place like this if you can't enjoy the weather?

I'm collecting Ruby from Irene's at six and we're going for dinner together. It will be nice to catch up with her.

Things have gone a little sour for Leah. Because of everything she has found out about Vinnie and because of VJ's reaction, Elijah has suggested that they stay away from each other for a little while. He sat down with them earlier and told them all about Vinnie's last days. He said that Vinnie loved and missed them both and wished whole heartedly that things could have been different. And he talked a lot about all the things he wished he could have done with his son. Elijah was also very quick to reassure VJ that he believes Vinnie is in Heaven and that whatever he does now, his father will be watching over him. I guess the idea is that he'll have the connection with his family that he couldn't have had in real life.

Leah said that Elijah apologised for keeping the secret for so long but she is being really understanding about it. What she doesn't understand is his desire to take a step back from her. He feels very guilty about getting romantically involved with her in the circumstances but at the end of the day, if you fall in love with someone, it's not something you can help.

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 17<strong>**th**** April**

**11:21**

**The Beach**

I had a really nice evening with Ruby yesterday. We went out to dinner and spent ages just hanging out and talking. She told me all about her rehearsals at school and how excited she is about being in the school play. I really need to buy my ticket sooner rather than later. I vaguely recall Angelo and I talking about getting a group from work to go. I'd be really proud to see my girl doing so well.

She's been spending a lot of time with Xavier lately. They went round to Martha's on Thursday night and she mentioned a beautiful ring that she was wearing. I bet I can imagine exactly what ring Martha is keeping so close to her. I hope that she will soon be able to heal and let Hugo go. I know she loved him and I know only too well what it's like to be forced apart from someone you feel so strongly about. But the difference is that Hugo was a monster. I'm not about to lose any sleep over him being dead. He got his just desserts as far as I'm concerned.

Ruby did say she was a little worried about Martha though. I might try to go and see her again. She obviously appreciates the company. Ruby said that she didn't seem to want her and Xavier to leave last night. I guess it's pretty lonely up there now that Xavier and Liam have both moved out. It wasn't so long ago that Martha's whole life was different – she had Hugo and Bambang and now they're both gone. And that's not even including the loss of Jack the year before.

Apparently, Ruby is doing some sort of project at school about the history of Summer Bay. She's borrowed a book from Colleen and she seems really excited about the whole thing. Good for her. It's nice to see her excited about school work!

Oh, and in some genuine good news – Elijah has changed his mind about giving Leah space and they're properly back together.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 18<strong>**th**** April**

**20:02**

**Home**

I've been struggling to keep in touch with Ruby today. We talked about having lunch together but she blew me out to do some school project with Xavier. I know I should give her the benefit of the doubt and not immediately be suspicious but I couldn't help thinking that something was amiss. I'm sure there's something she's not telling me and I can't help but worry about it.

Everyone seems to be continuously worried about Miles. I'm not entirely sure what the deal is but he hasn't been himself lately. Leah said that he had an appointment with Michael tomorrow.

I've decided not to continue my own therapy. After the debacle with Angelo, it's put a strain on my professional relationship with my counsellor. Neither of us seem able to settle. It's a shame because I feel like I was starting to make progress. I'm trying really hard not to hate Angelo for ruining it for me. He seems to feel really guilty about what happened.

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Charlie feels lost over both Joey and Ruby, the police try to get to the bottom of Justin's accident and Elijah takes Leah and VJ to Vinnie's grave…<em>


	101. Chapter 101

_Sorry for the late update today. I turned into a girl and went clothes shopping! I hope you enjoy the chapter. Love, IJKS xxx_

**Chapter One Hundred and One**

**Monday 19****th**** April**

**21:43**

**Home**

It's been a pretty long day at work but I'm in a good enough mood. I feel like at the moment, I'm never really happy and never really sad. Everything just feels completely neutral. I'm starting to think I feel kind of dead inside. That's not good, is it?

I met up briefly with Ruby after she'd finished school and I'd finished work. She seemed a little distracted and told me there's a lot of stuff going on for Xavier at the moment. She didn't elaborate but she said that he's really missing Hugo and struggling a lot with all of it. I guess Martha's going through the same thing. I hate Hugo with a passion but I can't help worrying about the family he left behind.

She said that word is out about Vinnie not dying in the prison fire but living in Witness Protection. Firstly, it's hard for Leah to deal with but secondly, I think it's what is stressing Xavier out. Ruby wouldn't confirm anything but I think he must have heard because he approached Angelo and quizzed him about whether he actually saw Hugo die or not. Angelo confirmed everything and asked why Xavier wanted to know. Xavier said it was just wishful thinking but maybe the story about Vinnie sparked hope in his head. Poor kid. With Martha in the state she's in, I really hope he doesn't pose his theory to her. It's the last thing she needs right now.

Ruby was also concerned about Miles. She said that he was behaving really strangely in class and didn't seem to be himself. I can't help but worry too. He's such a nice guy and he seems really strung out every time I see him around town. Leah doesn't think he's ever recovered properly from losing Kirsty and the baby and everything. I'm sure she was a nice person but I can't help but think that girl has a lot to answer for. Not that I'm really one to talk about bad decision making.

I did see Miles having some kind of meeting with Michael at the Diner, which I guess is the appointment that Leah mentioned. I hope he starts to make some progress in whatever he is going through.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 20<strong>**th**** April**

**13:00**

**Home**

It was one year ago today that I completely fucked up my life. This time last year, I'd been sent home from work and forbidden to see Joey. I slept with Hugo behind her back because I felt like shit and like I didn't deserve to have found the love of my life. I was also so weak that I couldn't handle anyone daring to suggest I might be gay.

Was that really the end of the world? Obviously I'm at least bisexual and is that such a terrible thing? Was it worth losing the one person who truly loved me for who I am? Was it worth hurting the first and last person I have ever been in love with?

No. No, it wasn't.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 20<strong>**th**** April**

**23:04**

**Home**

I feel so sorry for Leah and VJ at the moment. They're both struggling so much with the news about Vinnie. VJ, the poor kid, has been incessantly watching a video that Vinnie made for him on his first birthday. Leah is really worried about him and is concerned that the tape could break because he has watched it so many times. I said that I'd look into finding a way to put it on DVD for him and perhaps make a couple of copies in case something goes wrong. I have my own personal geek at work and I'm sure he'd do it for me if I asked him nicely.

I know that Leah feels guilty for not telling her son the truth sooner. But really, how do you even begin to explain something like that? And Elijah feels guilty that he found out the truth the way he did but again, it couldn't really be helped. No matter how the truth came out, it was always going to hurt him, wasn't it?

Miles has gone on sick leave for a few days in a bid to sort out all the issues he's having at the moment. I'm still not entirely sure what's going on with him and I don't feel like it's my place to ask. Even Leah doesn't seem to know the full details of the situation and she's pretty much his best friend. He had another appointment with Michael today so hopefully that was helpful. I heard that there was some sort of incident with John earlier but I'm not sure what it was about.

And I heard that Martha is hiding out at the farm and getting herself into a state. It's like her grief over losing Hugo has hit her on a delay. It can't be easy. I'm not sure, considering what happened at Christmas, if I'm the right person to try and help her but maybe I should give it a go. She's a very dear friend to me.

So, before I run out of topics to distract me from the heavy duty pain and guilt I'm feeling over what I was doing pretty much exactly a year ago, I'm going to stop and attempt to sleep. And I don't think I will ever stop wishing that Joey was sleeping beside me again.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 21<strong>**st**** April**

**17:18**

**Home**

It's been a really long day and I am so grateful to be back home, although I confess to being a little lonely. Elijah suggested to Leah and VJ last night that he take them to visit Vinnie's grave and so today, they headed out for a few days to make the journey to where he was buried.

Leah told me this morning over coffee before I had to head out to work. She's really nervous about the whole thing and I really hope that the trip helps. VJ is particularly keen and Leah is hopeful that it will bring some kind of closure for both of them. I hope that it does. I can hardly imagine how they must both be feeling. She told me that she had always lived in hope that she would one day see Vinnie again so it must be devastating to know that she won't, not in this life anyway.

My day has been mostly taken up with the Jeffries case. We received confirmation from the hospital this morning that the blood we found on Justin after the accident was indeed Larry's. Now, Larry is missing and we don't know what happened to him.

I called the boys first thing and asked them to come down to the police station. When they arrived I explained that nobody has heard from Larry since he left prison – where Justin supposedly collected him and dropped him off at a pub. Angelo told them about the blood we found but he remained adamant that he didn't see Larry after the accident. Angelo pointed out that Justin can't tell us anything for sure because he claims amnesia, which stumped him a little.

Angelo and I both know full well that Aden or Justin or both of them are lying and tried to explain that everything would be easier if they told the truth but they keep insisting that they have no idea what happened to Larry. I'm going to sweep the crash site again in the morning and I've asked them to come with me. Perhaps something will jog Justin's memory – or prick his conscience.

In other news, I gather that Nicole has lost her internship. That Britt woman used some of Nicole's designs in her latest collection but didn't credit her. When Nicole confronted her about it, Britt got rid of her – just like that. What a bitch. And a thief.

This evening, Ruby is coming round for dinner as I am home alone and she said she would stay the night. I'm really looking forward to getting to spend some time with her.

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 22<strong>**nd**** April**

**21:11**

**Home**

Leah and VJ have come back home after what sounds like an emotional weekend. They camped overnight last night and although it was very hard on them, Leah said that the whole experience was healing.

She was particularly impressed with Elijah's ability to bond with VJ. He even brought games along for the ride to amuse the kid when he got bored. And she said that he was great with them both for the entire trip.

Leah said that she probably wouldn't have gone to the grave if VJ hadn't been so desperate to do it. But now she is really glad they went. She told me that Elijah said she was really brave for doing it and I have to say I agree.

She told me that she's really looking forward to the future now and is eager for Elijah to be a part of it. And although Elijah admitted he has had easier relationships, being with Leah is the most interesting! I'm assuming it's a compliment! And she said that they spent much of the night last night kissing and cuddling. It sounds like it was really nice, at least in a bittersweet sort of way. I'm really happy for her. For everything she has been through, she absolutely deserves some love and joy in her life. This lovely relationship truly couldn't happen to a nicer person.

VJ was really struggling this morning, apparently. I guess things were growing harder the closer they got to actually confronting Vinnie's death. On the way, Elijah shared a story about the last time he saw his own father. They had gone fishing and something funny happened – I forget what – and Elijah and his Dad laughed until it hurt. Things got serious when Elijah's Dad then started having a heart attack and he didn't survive. Even thought it was a sad story, Elijah is relieved that his last memory of his Dad is such a happy one. He literally died laughing and it's something he will always keep with him. When VJ said that he doesn't remember Vinnie and doesn't have a memory like that to hold onto, Elijah sweetly offered to share. I thought that was pretty sweet and obviously, so did Leah.

One thing that particularly moved Leah was that Vinnie was buried under his real name. There was also a reference to him being her husband and VJ's father on the gravestone. I can only assume that Elijah had some sort of hand in that. Elijah told them that Vinnie never stopped loving them and Leah admitted that she completely broke down. More than looking after VJ, he looked after her. She said he held her at the grave while they both cried. It must have been a very emotional experience.

She and VJ both had some alone time at the grave with their thoughts and memories with Vinnie, before Elijah brought them both back home again. Leah told me that she finally feels ready to close that chapter of her life now. Regardless of her relationships with people like Jesse, Dan, Roman and Robertson – and even Elijah, probably – Leah has always been living in hope that she would at least see Vinnie again. He was her first love and I know all too painfully what it's like to lose that significant person in your life, even if in my case, it was all my fault.

But anyway, Leah says she now feels ready to close the chapter and she is looking forward to sharing her future with Elijah. I hope that they and VJ can become a little family now, although, very selfishly, I suppose it doesn't become too serious. I mean, if Leah and Elijah decide to move in together or get engaged or something, would they want me to move out? I'd be a bit of a spare part amid the family unit, wouldn't I? Especially if it's just me and Ruby is still living with Irene. And she hasn't indicated that she has any intention at all of moving back in. But I guess I will have to cross that bridge when I come to it – and hope I don't have to come to it! Moving out, that is. I'd very much like Ruby to move back in.

I spent the evening with Ruby last night and it was really nice. I really enjoyed spending time with her and as usual, she was keen to regale me with all her news. Apparently Romeo and Annie have agreed to go on an official date. I really can't work those two out. They always seem to be dancing around the issue of their relationship. Not that I'm really one to talk, I guess.

Things do feel better with Angelo but I know there are still some problems there. He looks at me with such sadness and such frustration sometimes. I try my best to ignore it but more often than not, it makes me feel like shit. It all feels ever so complicated.

Anyway, I'm not eager to dwell on all of that. It seems like if I'm not writing in here longing after Joey then I'm writing about my confusion over Angelo. It's pretty pathetic, isn't it?

I saw Ruby again today and she said that Nicole has decided not to try and take action against Britt. She got legal advice from Morag and was told that it would be a risky and expensive move. Copyright law is a complicated thing. Apparently Aden wanted to confront Britt himself but she wouldn't let him. I think that's a good thing! He's a bit of a law unto himself sometimes.

What Nicole did do, though, was inform the rest of her class of exactly what kind of person Britt is. In class, she informed her that while she wasn't going to pursue the matter legally, she thought it was only fair that her classmates knew what Britt was like. Then, they walked out en masse and Britt had no choice but to resign from her position at the school. Awesome work, Nicole. I'm super proud of you! I really must make a note to actually tell her that. She's never going to receive praise if I just store it in here, is she?

Speaking of Aden, I took him and Justin back out to the crash site today. I tried really hard to jog Justin's memory but to no avail. There seemed to be a lot of tension between the boys and Aden joined me when I went to search the area a little more. He quizzed me about what I might be looking for but, as much as I adore the guy, right now, I don't trust him so I deliberately kept my answers sketchy.

I took the moment to challenge him though, and ensured he knew that I was aware he wasn't telling me the truth. I said that if Justin had done something to Larry then he needs to confess. Aden defended Justin's honour of course and, without finding anything substantial during my search, we headed back to the car. Justin was behaving even more strangely when we got back but he wouldn't be coaxed into talking, unfortunately. I want to do my best to help Aden and Justin both but I can't if they won't start working with me.

Hang on, Ruby's calling...

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 22<strong>**nd**** April**

**21:45**

**Home**

Ruby called in a state of panic. Apparently Liam found her in the Surf Club this evening and informed her that he has been asked to write a song for the school play. She said she found it amusing when she thought Romeo or Annie would have to sing but is now utterly horrified because _she _is the one who has to perform.

I did my best to reassure her because actually, she has a lovely voice. And she is so into the play. Every time I see her, she makes me run lines with her and I swear she is going to take someone's eye out with the way she is brandishing the sword she has to use for her fight scene. Thank goodness it's fake!

But she's absolutely mortified and was even considering bailing out of the play altogether in a bid to avoid singing. It took a fair bit of persuading but I convinced her to agree to at least meet up with Liam tomorrow to practice the song he has written. He's a professional and I am sure, if she is terrible, he'll say so and get her out of it. However, maybe I'm biased but I think she's going to be amazing. I really like listening to her sing.

That was one of the many things she and Joey had in common – neither of them are capable of cooking or cleaning or similar activities without singing. I've also heard Ruby singing in the shower. And I've been present in the shower when Joey sang too. Ah... good times! I miss her so much. I think she'd be really proud of Ruby if she was here now. I wonder if I could get away with texting her to tell her Ruby's news. Perhaps I'll wait to see if the song goes ahead first though.

As a sideline to our conversation tonight, Ruby told me that Romeo and Annie went on a romantic date. Apparently Romeo managed to score the theatre keys from Gina and he made Annie a romantic meal where they were both really dressed up and making an effort. I hope they had a nice time. It's nice to be in love, especially at the beginning. Mind you, my experience of long term love generally involves weeping and hating myself while I miss the girl I was meant to spend the rest of my life with. I'm sure if I'd managed to keep her, this stage of love would have been as awesome as the beginning.

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 23<strong>**rd**** April**

**23:04**

**Dad and Morag's House**

I was hoping to come to the city with Ruby for the weekend but she was too engrossed in both panicking about her singing performance and excessively rehearsing her lines for the play. She sent me off with lots of cuddles for Dad and Morag but I have to admit that I did miss her on the journey.

Sometimes it feels like these trips to visit the family are the only chance I have of spending quality time with my daughter. More and more, I feel the gulf widening between us. She very obviously turns to Irene for support way before she turns to me now and she clearly has no intention of moving back home. I miss her so, so much.

She told me that while she was fretting to Irene about singing, she recommended that she didn't even try to sing well. But I know my Rubes, she'll always do her best, no matter what. Well, maybe I don't know her as well as I used to. I don't know. My life feels completely empty right now. It makes me feel so sad. Oh, and apparently it was Annie that told Liam that Ruby could sing.

Other than longing for a relationship with my daughter, missing Joey terribly and wondering exactly what Angelo and Alf were having such a private word about earlier today, I don't really have all that much left to report. Dad and Morag seem fine and I'm looking forward to spending some time with them this weekend.

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 24<strong>**th**** April**

**14:09**

**Dad and Morag's House**

I've spent most of the day with Dad and Morag. It's been quite leisurely and relaxed and I've enjoyed myself. It's hard to see that Dad keeps deteriorating between visits but I guess it's just something I have to deal with. Soon enough, although I don't know when, he will fade away from us completely. And I can't even entertain the thought of how to handle it.

Ruby phoned me, full of the joys of spring this morning. She rehearsed with Liam yesterday and he was so impressed with her voice that he said he had to go away and write a much better song that will really do her justice. That's pretty cool. I'm really proud of her. And I'm really looking forward to seeing her in the show.

Angelo kind of asked me to go with him a few weeks back but I think we're safer just getting a group of us to go, you know, with people like Watson and Avery. If it was just me and Angelo going together then it would feel like a date. And it really mustn't be a date. I don't love him. I never will. And I have to stop myself from trying to force it just because I can't stand being stuck with my own company all the time.

Oh, and she said that Annie and Romeo had officially confessed their love. I'm totally losing track with those two. If they're going to be together then I wish they'd just get on with it. Pot, kettle, much!?

I heard on the grapevine that Angelo spent the evening with Martha last night. Apparently, they had dinner and wine together because Alf had expressed concern about how down she was. I have to admit that for a moment there, I wondered if he was interested in her. But I doubt she'd go for it anyway. I know she has forgiven him for killing Jack but I don't think hooking up with the man who killed her husband, even if by accident, is an avenue she'd be willing to go down. I think Angelo just feels kind of responsible for her after everything that has happened over the last year. But if anything did occur between them, I'm sure I wouldn't care. Well, maybe I would a little but I doubt it would be for the right reasons.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 25<strong>**th**** April**

**21:33**

**Home**

Well, I'm back from Dad and Morag's and I had a really nice weekend with them. Visiting is always such a bittersweet thing. On the one hand, I have a great relationship with Dad now, much better than we've ever had before. I love him so much and for perhaps the first time, I know how much he loves me. Hell, he _killed _for me. It might not be an advisable course of action but at least it proved how much he cared – and how much he regretted not helping me press charges against Grant when I was a kid.

But the bitter side of the sweetness comes in seeing how unwell he is. He works so hard at keeping up the pretence but I know every day is a struggle for him. It's heartbreaking.

Tomorrow, I am back at work, which at least will give me something to do. I'm staring to feel really low and really lost right now. It's partly because of the whole Joey thing, which quite frankly, I'm sure I should have got over by now. I'm also sure she would be shocked to realise just how difficult it is to heal from losing her. Back when we got together, I so wanted to build up her self esteem and make her realise just how wonderful she is. But I guess I fucked that up royally, didn't I?

On top of that, I feel like I'm drifting further and further away from Ruby. She's turning to Irene first and foremost and she's so caught up with Xavier, Annie and Liam. It's like she's got this whole new life and it has nothing to do with me.

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Charlie suspects Angelo is keeping secrets, Ruby disappoints Charlie and gets into making music with Liam and Justin confesses to Larry's death…<em>


	102. Chapter 102

_Sorry I didn't update yesterday. I hope you enjoy the delayed chapter. Love, IJKS xxx_

**Chapter One Hundred and Two**

**Monday 26****th**** April**

**17:09**

**Home**

I think Angelo is keeping something from me. He's behaving really strangely and he keeps having secret conversations with Alf. I have this horrible feeling that something big is going down and it's making me nervous. The last time Angelo kept a secret from me, it was that Hugo Austin was operating a human trafficking ring out of the Bay. Now, I'm terrified that it has something to do with that. And if it does, I feel sick just thinking about it.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 27<strong>**th**** April**

**12:51**

**The Beach**

I'm on my work break but I backed out of spending it with Angelo. For the most part, we've developed a bit of pattern of having lunch together. Sometimes Watson comes too and sometimes she and I spend lunch together without him.

But today is a year since I lost Joey. I still had the hope, after she left, that she would come home again in three months, like she said she would and that I would be granted a second chance to prove how much she means to me. But she knew I was never going to be good enough for her so she stayed away and I really can't blame her. It doesn't stop me missing her though and longing for what could have been.

I wonder if this time will be difficult to face every year. I wonder what I'll be _doing _next year. Will I still be in touch with Joey or will she be even further out of my life? Will Angelo and I have got back together? Would I even have met someone new? Would _he _have met someone new? Will Joey still be with this girl she's been with for the past few months, or however long it's been? Will I still miss her every single minute of the day? I really hope not. I know that sounds terrible but sometimes I feel like I can't breathe because I need her so much. If she's not coming home then I don't want to keep living like this. I can't.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 27<strong>**th**** April**

**23:01**

**Home**

It's been a pretty strange day. For obvious reasons, I have been feeling pretty out of sorts but I am hoping for a good night's sleep and to treat tomorrow as a fresh new day.

Angelo didn't seem to miss me while I was off in my own head. He keeps disappearing on secret missions. I don't know why I'm surprised. His life seems to be one secret from another. Not that I'm one to talk, I guess.

Ruby is busy making music with Liam these days. I don't think I've ever seen her so excited before – and she is generally a very excitable person. He has written a new song and they're working on it together, apparently. I hope I get to hear it sometime soon. I'm really proud of her for finding a talent like this, even if it took her by surprise. They sang together in the Diner tonight. I'm really sad that I missed it. She's now getting all excited by ideas of music videos and albums and stuff. Just think, my little girl could turn into a rock star!

Leah was a little flustered when I got in this evening. She said that she and Elijah had dinner together and although he's been pretty stressed about the retreat, they were having a good time. But when they were making out in the kitchen, he backed off really quickly and ran home. So, now she's not all that sure where she stands with him.

In other news, Colleen has been busy crowing about the vandal. She wants to know who it was but with the delicate situation with Miles, it doesn't seem appropriate to discuss it, considering his involvement. And besides, the graffiti has stopped now so I hope we can all move on. And Xavier has really got into his boxing. I heard John saying that he has hired a permanent locker at the gym for his sessions. But he's still pretty pissed about Gina dating John. He came round for dinner today and Ruby said she made the hastiest exit that she could get away with.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 28<strong>**th**** April**

**17:09**

**Home**

On this day, last year, Joey Collins was so heartbroken that she left town completely. She left the only home she had ever known, her friends, her family... and me behind. She left me because she loved me so much and I treated her like shit. The woman who forgave me for so many things and kept coming back for me, finally reached her limit and couldn't give me another chance.

I have missed her every single day over the last year and I feel like I will spend the rest of my life longing for what could have been. I know that if she suddenly showed up and told me she loved me and wanted to be with me, I wouldn't have a single hesitation about agreeing. On many a night, I still dream of that exact thing happening.

But I've grieved for a year now and I know I have to do whatever it takes to heal. I don't know exactly what I have to do but I can't keep living in the past. I can't carry on like this. Even if I can't forget her, I have to behave as if I have.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 28<strong>**th**** April**

**19:22**

**Home**

I just can't stop thinking about Joey and it's driving me crazy. It's taking every ounce of self control that I have to stop myself from texting her. But I can't help but wonder if she remembers the significance of the day. Does it mean anything to her anymore? Do _I _mean anything? I want to get in touch with her and I have the strongest desire to take a trip down memory lane. But I've hurt her enough without forcing her to rake over the past. I can only assume that she is happy, safe and well now and that, quite rightfully, she has left me behind. I just wish I could do the same.

Anyway, in a bid to distract myself from morose thoughts... and polishing off several bottles of wine, I will update my dear diary on the events of the day for the residents of Summer Bay.

Elijah appears to be panicking about this clergy retreat thing he is running but Leah's biggest concern is the way he backed off so abruptly last night. To be honest, she should be grateful. I don't think I've ever been with a guy who didn't paw me immediately. Joey was the only person I've ever met who was so gentle, patient and respectful. I still think back to our first night together with so much joy. I've never experienced a more perfect moment than that. As for Elijah, he is a minister, after all – maybe he doesn't believe in sex before marriage. That really ought to be something they should discuss, I would have thought!

A Bishop with a pretty harsh reputation is coming to the retreat, apparently and Elijah is pretty anxious. Apparently his nickname is Bishop Pitt Bull or something like that. Sounds charming! But Elijah brought a colleague called Matthew to the Diner today and Leah said that he happily introduced her as his girlfriend. That's got to be a good sign, right?

I gather from Ruby that there is some tension between Annie and Romeo at the moment. Although they are smitten with each other, her return date for Japan is getting nearer and nearer and obviously, if she goes, that will probably be curtains to their relationship. And according to Ruby, Annie pretty much decided that Japan is where her heart lies right now, even though poor Romeo has made it obvious that he wants her to stay. It must be heartbreaking for the poor guy. At least Joey abandoned me for a good reason!

So, that's all that's left to say, I think. And that bottle of wine in the kitchen is calling my name...

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 28<strong>**th**** April**

**22:11**

**Home**

In some good news for the day, it looks like Leah and Elijah have made up. Hooray! He came to see her this evening, worried that he'd upset her. She told him how she felt and he said he just hadn't been sure if she was ready to go public with their relationship yet. She does and so now, everything is totally official, although they're not about to flaunt their relationship in front of this Bishop guy.

She said that he was the best thing that has happened to her in a long time. It's nice to see her so happy. I hope it lasts. And you never know, maybe one day, I will find some happiness too.

I ran into Leah in the kitchen when I was getting more wine. She was giggly, flushed and in her dressing gown so I'm guessing they've taken things to the next level! But I am so not about to think about my best friend having sex upstairs with the vicar. Some images can be too much!

I'm just going to have another glass of wine to send me off to sleep and then I am hoping to get some proper rest. I have a long day ahead of me, trying to get to the bottom of Justin's accident.

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 29<strong>**th**** April**

**19:17**

**Home**

My day started in a pretty amusing fashion. Elijah stayed the night so he and Leah were all shy and cute the morning after. I was in hiding, wanting to get my morning coffee as they said goodbye to each other and established that neither of them had any regrets.

Once I was alone with Leah, I couldn't quite stop myself from teasing her. She was so adorable and swoony. I'd love to feel like that about somebody. Obviously, I did, once upon a time but I doubt I'll ever have that again. We discussed some of the details and apparently the Reverend is amazing in bed! The whole thing makes me laugh.

Elijah's clergy retreat starts today and I gather he got a lot of prep about what happens at the caravan park from Colleen. I can only assume that her interfering is invaluable! Not! I accidentally walked in on them making out – Elijah and Leah, not Elijah and Colleen! - this afternoon, which was a bit embarrassing. They said they have to sneak around for a little bit while the Bishop is in town as they don't want him thinking they are anything more than friends at the moment.

He tried to rope me in to some kind of picnic that he has to organise for the retreat but I decided to leave him in Leah's capable hands. They're so cute together!

On a more serious matter, Justin came to the police station today and told us that he has remembered some things about the accident. He thinks he might have killed Larry after all. Well, no shit, Sherlock. I do believe that it could still have been an accident though. Well, I certainly hope it was. The last thing I want to do is charge the poor kid with murder, especially considering he is Aden's brother. He hasn't presented us with enough proof to charge him yet so there is still hope.

He is adamant that Aden had nothing to do with anything was quite determined to ensure that he wasn't going to get into any trouble. I really hope he is telling the truth about Aden, at least. I really don't want to have to send the poor boy to jail. He means too much to me. It was hard enough to send Angelo to jail last year. I don't want to have to do something like that again.

Anyway, Justin is going to meet us for another sweep of the accident site tomorrow and hopefully, this time, we will find something to spring board from and then see where we go from there.

In other news, Ruby is very consumed with the whole Annie and Romeo situation. Romeo has told Annie that he loves her and that he doesn't want her to go back to Japan but Rubes says she is still planning on leaving. And apparently, she's not happy that the poor boy hasn't tried harder to make her stay. I mean, what on earth does she want from him? Their whole relationship lies in her hands. Does she just want him to sacrifice all his dignity or something? She's coming across as quite a heartless drama queen in all this, although obviously I won't say that to Ruby. She'd be annoyed with me for judging her friend. But I just feel really sorry for Romeo. If Annie really loves him, then why she is toying with him like that? But apparently, with Ruby's help, Romeo and Annie have decided to live for the moment and not get into a flap about the future. I hope it works for them. At least they're on the same page. That's pretty much what I wanted to do with Angelo and look where that got us!

Oh, and apparently Xavier is currently amusing and driving Ruby crazy at the moment. In preparation for the play, he's watching lots of romance movies and so keeps quoting _Casablanca _and _Dirty Dancing_ at everyone. It sounds pretty funny actually.

Ruby is also pretty busy working with Liam at the moment. He's written a new song for her to perform in the school play and through his encouragement she seems to actually be looking forward to it. I have booked my tickets with a handful of people from work – namely Angelo and Watson – and I really looking forward to seeing my girl in action.

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 29<strong>**th**** April**

**23:03**

**Home**

Well, I pretty much spent the rest of this evening consumed in Leah's latest drama. I am trying to be supportive and helpful but generally, I think the whole thing is hilarious.

After they left me earlier, they went to the beach and started making out. They also told each other that they loved each other, which is pretty sweet. Apart from with Joey, that's something I have never felt and I've certainly struggled to say it – especially when I haven't meant it. So I'm really pleased that even with all the tragedy that Leah has been through, she can commit to loving Elijah so readily. And they do really seem like they belong together.

Anyway, this evening, Leah dropped Elijah off at the caravan park and were making out in the car when the Bishop interrupted them. That cat's out of the bag and he was less than impressed. I think it's funny – two adults being caught doing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG! And panicking like school kids.

But Leah does have a point. This could genuinely have an effect on Elijah's standing with the Bishop and with his role in the church. She's panicking and all I could advise was that she waits for Elijah to get in touch first. This is his problem, not hers and the worst thing she could do is interrupt Elijah trying to explain himself or something. I hope she has the patience!

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 30<strong>**th**** April**

**18:59**

**Home**

Things have come to a serious head with Justin and Aden and not in a good way. I genuinely don't know what to do next.

A team of officers arrived at the crash site early to start searching while we waited for Justin to show up and help us out. If Larry's out there somewhere then we obviously need to find him sooner rather than later, for the poor man's dignity, if nothing else. He might not be anyone's favourite guy in the world but he's still and person and he still deserves us to do our best for him.

Anyway, we thought the boys hadn't showed up but then we heard a car door slam. I tried to ring Justin and a ring tone went off near by before we heard a car speeding off down the road. We tried to give chase but to no avail but I swear it was Aden's car.

It was Watson who found the recently disturbed ground in the woods. There was no doubt what it was – an empty grave. I contacted the boys immediately and arranged to come over to the house to speak to them. Angelo and I went to the house with another colleague very formally. It seemed to spin Aden out when I went through all the legal motions – approaching the situation as if I didn't know him and wasn't friends with him. It was hard but it was necessary.

Anyway, we had a search warrant for both the house and the car. They let us go through the house but told us that the car had been stolen and that's why they didn't show up for the search in the woods. I want to believe them but I can't. I know it was them fleeing the scene this morning. I just don't know why. Or at least, I don't want to let myself figure it out. When Angelo asked why they didn't report the car missing, Aden said that it only happened this morning and then they got the call from me so they figured they'd mention it when we got here. I told them about the empty grave we found and that I thought it could belong to Larry.

We searched the house and Angelo took Aden into the kitchen to interview him. I gather that his plan was to appeal to his better nature and liken it to his own situation last year. Aden agreed to come and sign a statement about the stolen car but that was all he was willing to do. Angelo said he tried to explain that if Justin comes forward now, the courts would go slightly easier on him but in the current situation, even if Aden didn't actually do anything, he'll be treated as an accessory. He also added that the longer they keep quiet, the guiltier Justin looks. It didn't help and now we're pretty much stuck trying to figure out what on earth we're meant to do next.

One thing that I did find a little stressful today was that I felt kind of isolated. Angelo worked with me like he normally does but I just felt like he didn't really care about the case. He seemed distracted, as if Aden and Justin weren't on the top of his priority list. It makes me worry that there's something wrong, or maybe that he's letting our current situation get in the way. As far as I'm concerned, we're friends and I'm happy with that. But I can't figure out how he feels. All he's really said about the Aden and Justin situation is that we should have pressed them harder before now. It's not a very helpful observation. I do agree and I probably had a bias there. I didn't want either of them to have done anything wrong. Maybe I should have been more aggressive about the whole thing. I'm just not sure.

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 30<strong>**th**** April**

**23:23**

**Home**

Leah had lunch with Elijah and Bishop Pitt Bull this afternoon to try and explain themselves for last night and she said that it went far better than expected. She was really nervous about it all day as the Bishop could easily choose to create work problems for Elijah.

Anyway, after their meal, Leah found the Bishop and gave him a piece of her mind. She told him in no uncertain terms that Elijah is a good man, they're in a committed relationship and that he would never do anything to harm the church. And rather than getting in a strop about it, the big, scary Bishop accepted everything she said and gave them his blessing. How awesome is that!?

He told her that she reminds him of his first girlfriend, who is now his wife. And then he told her and Elijah that he got his nickname unfairly. He found another minister in an illegal, sexual relationship with a minor and obviously had to come down hard on him. I presume the bastard was sent to jail! It's the kind of thing that obviously triggers a lot of emotions in me. Anyway, he said that's why he overreacted to Leah and Elijah but it looks like everything is cool now, which is good. I'm really relieved for them.

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 1<strong>**st**** May 2010**

**11:32**

**The Beach**

I have the whole weekend off and I couldn't be more thrilled! I am really struggling with the Aden and Justin case and I'm hoping that a couple of days to chill out and maybe analyse things from a distance will give me a proper structure to plough ahead with on Monday. Fingers crossed, anyway.

I'm hoping to get to spend some time with Ruby this weekend. We haven't made any actual plans and she is still really caught up with her upcoming performance in _Romeo and Juliet_ but she said she'd call. I was looking forward to getting together for dinner or something.

I hate that we don't live together anymore. We have such a fragile relationship these days and although I'm trying my best, I think the whole thing would be easier if we saw each other more. Maybe I could find a good time to talk about it with her.

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 1<strong>**st**** May**

**22:14**

**Home**

What a crappy day. I feel like someone's just punched me in the stomach and I feel utterly deflated.

I just about managed to get Ruby to go for dinner with me and we were having what I thought was a lovely time. Then I took a deep breath and told her how much I miss her and wish we could spend more time together. Then I asked if she would consider moving back in. And she just said no. She didn't even take the time to think about it. She said that too much had changed and she couldn't live with me again at least at this point in time. She told me she liked the space between us and wanted to keep it that way for now. I feel so rejected. If my own daughter can't love me, who the hell else will?

Hang on, Angelo's calling...

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 1<strong>**st**** May**

**22:35**

**Home**

I hope you're proud of me. Angelo called to see if I wanted to do something tonight. Considering it's quarter to eleven, we were both aware of exactly what he wanted to do. And it's normally at this point in time, when I feel rejected and low that I make stupid decisions and end up in bed with him.

We got together the first time because I was upset about Roman and we got together the second time because I was upset about Joey. Then we hooked up again when all the stress was going on with Grant and Ruby. The easy thing to do would be to let history repeat itself but I don't want to go into anything like that with anyone for the wrong reasons. I don't want to keep making the same mistake over and over again. It would just hurt him. And me.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 2<strong>**nd**** May**

**13:08**

**The Beach**

After I turned down Angelo's request to 'do something' last night, we arranged to have lunch together this afternoon as we are both off work. However, he just cancelled on me and he sounded really moody on the phone. Great. Just when I thought we'd sorted things out and established ourselves as friends and now... Now I don't know what's going on.

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Charlie learns that Hugo is alive and missing, Charlie misses Ruby's school play and the police delve further into what happened to Larry…<em>


	103. Chapter 103

_I've fallen behind on chapters so I'm afraid there's no update of 'Baby Mine' today but hopefully I can update that one tomorrow. I hope a chapter of this will do today though! Love, IJKS xxx_

**Chapter One Hundred and Three**

**Monday 3****rd**** May**

**20:21**

**Home**

And the web of lies concerning Aden and Justin deepens. I feel even more confused and sad about the whole thing than I did before. And that really is quite a statement!

The day started with Angelo and I, brushing aside the awkwardness as best we could, trying to figure out why Justin would confess to killing Larry and then move his body. Angelo posed the theory that Justin could be covering for Aden but I don't buy it. If anything, I think that Justin killed Larry and although Aden had nothing to do with it, he is forcing him to cover it up. I still feel very compassionate about the situation and towards Aden in particular but Angelo was quick to point out that we can only help them if they let us. I guess he would know.

We spent much of the day trying to figure out what the boys might have done with Larry's body, especially considering they're not criminal masterminds and are likely to have left evidence all over the place. We just have to find it.

Anyway, we received confirmation that it was Larry in the recently vacated grave Watson found on Friday. We were about to head back out to the crash site when Aden arrived at the station. He told us that while he didn't kill Larry, he did find his body and he buried him. He also maintains that he did it all by himself. I suppose half a confession is better than nothing but I fail to believe that Justin wasn't involved in the burial, at least to a degree.

Aden also said that when he realised we would be searching the area, he dug the body up, drove it out to a quarry and dumped it. He was even willing to sign a statement if we kept Justin out of the whole thing, but obviously we can't do that. If Justin is involved in Larry's death somehow then we need to understand the truth.

I queried why Aden did what he did if he believed that Justin was innocent of murder but he insists that he just panicked about us jumping to the wrong conclusions and Justin getting into trouble. I have to admit that he was pretty convincing. He even included details like his phone being broken so he had Justin's mobile when I called and the car sped away last week. But I still don't believe he did it all on his own.

When I reported on all of this to Angelo, he was distracted again and I genuinely don't know if it's because of what happened – or _didn't _happen – at the weekend or if he's telling the truth about being busy will another case. It's so hard to read him sometimes. He disappeared for a bit this afternoon and then went round to bring Justin down to the station for another interview. He said that Nicole was there and she looked like she had absolutely no clue as to what was going on. She even came to the police station but obviously we couldn't give her any information. She really panicked when she saw Aden there and I had no choice but to send her home. If nothing else, after what she went though with Roman last year, the last thing the poor girl needs is to see her boyfriend get charged with the death of his father.

In the meantime, Watson and I had followed Aden's directions to the letter and located Larry's body at the quarry. I told him straight that I didn't believe he killed him, although Angelo was less than convinced. However, I have to play that one carefully. When Aden attacked Larry before, he and Angelo were at war over Belle so he's not likely to be impartial. In fact, we're both biased in different ways so perhaps we can manage to balance each other out somehow.

Angelo told Justin that we have enough evidence to charge both of them but that if Justin spoke up and confessed the truth now, he could save his brother. Justin remained adamant that Aden had nothing to do with anything. Meanwhile, I took on Aden's interview and posed a theory that I don't even believe – that he and Justin planned to hurt Larry after everything he had put them through over the years. I may have gone in too heavy, I think because there was no way he was budging on anything, even when I lied that Justin was spilling the whole truth to Angelo in the other room. He barely even flinched when I pointed out that we now had enough evidence to charge them both with murder.

Other news of the day is that Gina found Miles talking to himself at school, and I gather it isn't the first time. Students have seen him do it too. Anyway, she's said that he has to have a psychological assessment before he's allowed back to work. I really hope he's okay.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 4<strong>**th**** May**

**17:03**

**The Beach**

It was another fairly long day at work but I've managed to book Thursday off to go and visit Dad and Morag for the day. I feel like I'm wading through mud with Aden and Justin. We didn't make any headway on the case today. I'm trying to put off charging them but they're making it really difficult by no co-operating with us.

And life outside the world of criminal activity... Gina and John appear to be on cloud nine, Miles is still battling with his mental health and now wants to quit teaching completely.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 5<strong>**th**** May**

**20:54**

**Home**

I had a nice, spontaneous dinner with Ruby tonight. We haven't spoken properly since Saturday, which I've been finding really hard but we had a much better time tonight. She's even managed to convince me to let her have the day off school tomorrow so that she can come with me to visit Dad and Morag.

We only went to the Diner but she confronted the situation immediately, about my request that she moved back in and I do feel a little more peaceful about the situation now. She said that she loved me and that she did miss all the time we used to spend together and the relationship we once had. But she feels that we're in a good place now and she doesn't want to do anything to ruin that. I'm still getting used to being her mother and she's still getting used to being my daughter so she wants us to continue taking baby steps. She said that she didn't want to rush anything and risk ruining the relationship we've built up.

Phrasing it like that makes me understand the situation a bit more at least. And it also means she hasn't said a complete 'no' to living together again. Now I just need to learn to be patient.

She was full of news about her friends and about the play. She told me that Romeo and Annie struggled with their performance during rehearsals today, which earned them some criticism from the director, some girl called Mel. Ruby thinks their issues and concerns about Japan and the future of their relationship are getting in the way. She's a little bit confused about the whole thing. Romeo hasn't asked if Annie is going back to Japan or not and Annie is refusing to tell him unless he really wants to know. It really does sound like a drama out of nothing. Not that I'm really one to talk.

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 6<strong>**th**** May**

**23:57**

**Home**

I had a really nice but a really long day. Rubes and I left early to go and spend the day with Dad and Morag. We had a really good time, although poor Dad's memory is worse than it's ever been. That's really hard to deal with but I like to think the four of us managed to plough through as a family.

I feel bad for Morag. Dad has carers and everything but it must be such a hard burden for her to shoulder right now. I can't help but admire her for sticking around when they really hadn't been together all that long before he was diagnosed. I really must try and get over to visit more.

Perhaps over Christmas Ruby and I could go over there and stay for a bit. It'll be the holidays for her and I'm sure I will accumulate some leave in that time. I think that would be a nice way to spend Christmas Day. And it's not like I'll have a relationship bogging me down. Unless Joey waltzes back into my life, I am serious staying away from the dating game!

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 8<strong>**th**** May**

**01:43**

**Home**

What a lousy fucking day. I missed Ruby's school play because of a massive accident just outside town. We were short staffed so it was a case of all hands on deck, which means I never got the chance to see my baby girl performing her heart out. Leah said she was amazing but that really doesn't help. I feel so bad about it. I'm going to have to do whatever it takes to make it up to her.

And that wasn't even the worst thing to happen today! Wait for it... drum roll please... Hugo fucking Austin is still a-fucking-live. Hugo. The man that helped me ruin the best relationship I've ever had. Hugo. The man who hurt and killed so many people by running an illegal and immoral human trafficking organisation out of the Bay. Hugo. The man who nearly left me to drown or be murdered by his accomplice, Suzy. Hugo. The man I believed was shot dead right outside this police station.

I feel sick just thinking about it. Hugo's been alive and hiding in Witness Protection all this time and Angelo damn well knew about it. Worse than that, he helped to organise it! He's been there through all my nightmares and anxiety and all that time he was lying to me. And I couldn't even express anything that I felt. He was so consumed with Hugo ruining his case and Martha finding out that I got totally swept away with that. I haven't even had real time to process the emotions of all of this.

It all started this morning when I arrived at work and Angelo was all distracted. He's been distant for a few days and I haven't been able to figure out if it's my fault or something work related. That's when he told me the truth. Hugo is alive and Alf's known about it from the start. Alf is now struggling with his conscience and wants to tell Martha the truth and Angelo is terrified.

Personally, I think Alf is right. Hugo's family _should _know that he's alive and on the run. Not content with literally getting away with murder – among other things – Hugo has bailed out of Witness Protection and no bugger can find him. He's now wanted by both criminals and the police and if he isn't able to find him, Angelo's whole case will go down the toilet.

I've reluctantly agreed to keep his secret but I'm far from happy about it. The whole thing makes me feel sick. I can't believe that bastard is still alive. I just can't believe it.

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 8<strong>**th**** May**

**20:11**

**Home**

I spent much of today grovelling to Ruby for missing the play, although she didn't actually seem to care all that much. Either that or she was trying to spare me from feeling too guilty. I was off work, which was a relief so that I didn't have to deal with the whole Hugo saga and I 'accidentally' left my phone at home in case Angelo tried to call me. I'm just not ready to talk to him about any of this yet. And I really don't want to get involved with the whole thing again. I don't think Angelo has ever truly acknowledged what Hugo did to me and how deeply I was affected by it. And until he does, I don't think we can ever deal with it properly.

Anyway, I had a nice day with Rubes instead. She was brimming over with excitement about how the play had gone and told me about it all in so much detail that I almost feel as if I was there. She got stage fright before her song so Liam came on stage with her and his guitar and they ended up performing together. And I gather that it brought the house down. I'm so proud of her. I just wish that I had been there to see it.

She said that Annie and Romeo both performed really well and their love for each other ended up bleeding into their performance, which is a good thing, I presume. Ruby said they were both flawless. After the play, Romeo finally confronted the situation and Annie confirmed that she's returning to Japan. She actually left this morning.

Ruby stayed up for most of the night with Annie, who said that she and Romeo had agreed that their relationship has ended in perfect, ironic tragedy. I feel really sad for poor Romeo and I know that Ruby really enjoyed having her best friend back so I can only imagine that she must feel awful about her going away again.

I spoke to Leah a bit before breakfast this morning and she said that the biggest drama at the play was Miles freaking out. He got really panicky about someone trying to sit in a seat he was apparently saving for nobody. She said it was really weird and he left in a complete state. Alf and Irene were particularly worried about him. I dread to think what's going on there.

Leah is really frustrated because she says Elijah knows exactly what's going on but won't tell her due to confidentiality. I understand his point but I can also understand why Leah would be upset about it. He did admit that Miles has actually been suspended from work now, psychological assessment or not. The poor guy.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 9<strong>**th**** May**

**12:31**

**The Beach**

I am so relieved to have had these past few days off work. I can't quite bring myself to face this Hugo thing. I know it's stupid but he scares me. He tried to kill me. And he's capable of such evil. It breaks my heart every time I think of those poor people I found in the shipping container. I keep trying to forget about the whole thing but it's not easy, especially as Angelo keeps calling me.

This morning, having not slept all that well last night, I went to the gym. Tony and John were exchanging vast amounts of banter, although only John seemed to be enjoying himself. I guess it's a good thing that Tony sold the gym in the end. They would have ended up killing each other! I think they still might!

Hmm... other events in the Bay... Annie left for Japan yesterday. Romeo just about managed to catch her in time to say goodbye. He's out surfing at the moment. He was heading into the water when I came to sit here and write and I said hello. He looked really down. Poor boy.

The biggest concern for my loved ones at the moment appears to be Miles. He visited Leah and Elijah late last night and told them that this girl (an imaginary friend type person) sometimes gives him visions of the future and he just had a dream warning them to stay away from horses and cows. Apparently it has something to do with school kids or something. It's all very strange and we're all very worried. I gather that he has also stopped seeing Michael, which can't be a good thing. I was gutted to have to stop seeing him. I felt like he was doing me a lot of good but it all got so complicated because of the Angelo thing.

I gather that Leah and Elijah have gone over to have lunch with Miles today so I hope it's helpful for all parties. I can't say I understand the situation but I know that Leah, Elijah, Alf and all of his loved ones will do their best for him. I guess I'm not really that close to him but I do think the world of Miles and I do hope that he can find his way out of whatever situation he's in.

Oh, and it looks like I wasn't the only person who missed the school play! Gina missed it too, and _she's _the Principal! Granted, she was taking a kid to the hospital. Apparetly they got too excited or nervous or something and ended up breaking their leg! Ouch! I'm sure that's supposed to just be a phrase!

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 9<strong>**th**** May**

**23:11**

**Home**

I had a pretty nice evening with Leah and Elijah tonight and I finally found out for sure what's happening with Miles. We shared a couple of bottles of wine and they explained that he has an imaginary friend that he believes to be the ghost of his daughter, who died, along with his wife in the Tsunami a few years ago. It's such a tragic story and I feel so sad for him.

I knew about his family but I guess when something happens before you meet a person, it's hard to really understand how deeply it would affect them. I mean, I still can't heal my heart over losing Joey but at least I know she's alive and well. And I can't even imagine how I'd cope if something happened to Ruby. You're just not meant to outlive your children, are you?

It sounds like Leah found lunch particularly uncomfortable today. Elijah tried to engage Rabbit (the imaginary friend/ghost) in conversation but he was adamant that they have to find any way possible to help Miles through his pain, even if it's unorthodox. He tried to find out if Rabbit is a good or a bad spirit but she apparently refused to provide any proof of her existence. I gather that he believes less in Rabbit but more in the fact that Miles is in a desperate situation and is using his insistence on her existence to help him through losing Kirsty and Ollie and the baby and everything. He and Miles got into a bit of an argument after that though and Miles sent him and Leah home.

I joined the conversation at home as they had been discussing faith and religion and I learned a lot. I've never really thought about God and the Bible and things like that and I didn't realise that there were so many conflicts of belief. He was saying that there are all sorts of arguments between Christians and different denominations. Elijah said that he believes in satan, spirits and angels but that not every Christian does. But he is also desperately worried about what Rabbit might get Miles to do next.

To be honest, I don't really know what I believe. I believe in a spiritual world and I think I believe in God and probably the devil too. I believe in the power of faith and I believe in karma. I believe that it's entirely possible that Miles's daughter's ghost could be with him. But equally, believe it could be a delusion. None of this is very helpful, is it?

* * *

><p><em>Next time… the hunt is on for Hugo, the police finally get to the bottom of Larry's death and Rabbit helps Miles save the day when Leah, Elijah and VJ run into trouble on a school trip…<em>


	104. Chapter 104

_Just to say, I might not be able to update tomorrow but I will update on Friday. I hope you enjoy the chapter. Love, IJKS xxx_

**Chapter One Hundred and Four**

**Monday 10****th**** May**

**22:13**

**Home**

What a day! I hardly even know where to begin. Well, the good news is that Aden and Justin are not guilty of murdering Larry and they won't be charged as such. They may get done for tampering with evidence but I'll avoid that if I can. I think I'll call Morag in the morning and see if she is willing to fight on their behalf. I'm hoping to get to visit her and Dad at some point soon. I feel like I can't get enough time with Dad right now.

I had a fair bit of hassle from Nicole, if it's fair to call it that. She's obviously really stressed about the situation, considering Aden is her boyfriend. Unfortunately, I'm not in a position to discuss the case with her or with any civilian. It's more than my job's worth – even for people I care about it.

I did admit that I didn't want Aden to be guilty though. Unfortunately, I also had to explain that I have to go with evidence. Fortunately, at the last minute, the evidence pointed the way we all wanted it to. Nicole pleaded with me quite passionately, telling me how much she loves Aden and that she can't bear to lose him. Mostly I was struck with the fear that he might not feel the same way about her. I know Aden cares for her and he and Nicole make a lovely couple. But we all know that Belle was the true love of his life. How do you move on from losing someone you'd live and die for? How can any other relationship even begin to compare to the feelings you had for that person?

Anyway, I called the boys this afternoon and asked them down to the station. I informed them that the prosecutor had enough evidence to charge them with conspiracy to commit murder. I can't say it was my favourite moment of the year so far. It pretty much sucked, actually.

Aden begged Justin to remember something that would save them and then, by some miracle, he did. A phone rang in another room and it triggered something. The story he gave was that after the accident, Larry helped him out of the car. Then Larry phoned Aden and left a message.

Obviously we could take it as gospel so we had to retrieve Aden's phone from where it was being repaired. Nicole willingly collected the phone and brought it to the station where we played the message.

It was a pretty emotional experience, to be honest. On the voicemail, Larry explained that Justin swerved to avoid hitting a kangaroo with his car. They crashed and Larry knew pretty quickly that he was dying. In the message, he begged poor Aden for forgiveness and said that he and Justin had a good talk about everything. Larry told Aden that he loved him and then the phone cut off.

I gave the boys some space to process everything and then I sent them home. There was no need for them to be dragged through it anymore. I just feel so sorry for them. And I hope that the voicemail is a tool for Aden to find peace with everything he went through. He deserves that.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 11<strong>**th**** May**

**18:09**

**Home**

Just as we manage to solve one situation, another erupts. Martha came charging into the station today, shouting the odds about Hugo. She looked so hurt to realise that I knew he was alive. And I didn't have the space or even the words to really make it clear that I've only known the truth for a few days. I don't even know if that would help. I just feel so sorry for her.

She launched a real tirade of abuse at Angelo for everything that's happened and they were both pretty upset. I guess this is far from the first time he's done something, even inadvertently, to hurt her. To be honest, I don't even understand how she can spend time with him and call herself his friend after what happened to Jack. I mean, I forgive him and I understand that it was an accident. But Jack wasn't the love of my life, was he? Just like with Miles and his wife and with Aden and Belle, I can't help but wonder how you even begin to move on from a tragedy like that.

Angelo tried to defend himself and made it clear that neither he nor Alf liked lying to her but Martha wasn't ready to accept his apologies.

In better news, things are going really well between Leah and Elijah. Even VJ is crazy about the guy and we all know hoe sceptical he was about their relationship at first. And with poor Leah's dating history, you can hardly blame him. Elijah is even taking VJ and the rest of his class caving tomorrow.

I really am happy for Leah though. My life might be a disaster in every area but it's good to see her so happy. And it makes for a wonderful home environment. Even when I come home stressed from work, Leah's mood manages to tangle with mine and bring it up a little. That's got to be a good thing, right?

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 11<strong>**th**** May**

**21:39**

**Home**

My evening was mostly taken up by phone calls. First Ruby rang to fill me in on her day, which she knows I really appreciate, especially as we don't live together anymore. She's worried about Romeo who has been moping around the place since Annie left, not that anyone can blame the poor guy.

But she does seem to be a little over zealous in her admiration for Liam at the moment. Apparently he considered it his duty to try and help Romeo process his pain today. Ever since the song in the school play, Ruby has been pretty exciteable when it comes to Liam. I just hope it doesn't turn into some sort of crush like it did with Miles. She was really embarrassed about that. And at least Miles isn't the kind of man to take advantage. I mean, he could have had me last year but he was a gentleman and put a stop to things before they developed. But I don't really know Liam well enough to judge. I think I'll stay out of it for now but a potential crush is definitely on my radar at the moment. I just hope that things are going well enough between her and Xavier that she wouldn't act on any feelings she might have for Liam. Come to think of it though, she really doesn't mention her boyfriend all that much these days.

The other phone call of the night was with Angelo. He's been feeling really low about the whole Martha situation so I have resisted saying I told you so. He doesn't need me laying into him as well as everyone else, even though to be honest, I'm struggling to process my own feelings about the situation.

He said he went round to the farm to visit Martha and found that it had been trashed. Obviously the poor woman came home and had a meltdown. He found her huddled in a corner, staring at a photograph of Hugo. On the plus side, it sounds like they managed to talk everything through. He explained that he and Hugo were both trying to protect her and the rest of the family from the people who were out to get him. I really hope she can find a way to get past all of this.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 12<strong>**th**** May**

**23:57**

**Home**

Gosh, what a week of disasters! The high of getting Aden and Justin off murder charges seems like a lifetime ago now in light of Martha finding out about Hugo and now what has happened to Leah, Elijah, VJ and the rest of the kids they took caving today. They're all safe and sound now but it sounds like it was pretty harsh day. The story Leah told was this…

She and the rest of the group arrived safely at the National Park but when she tried to call to check on things at the Diner, she couldn't get any phone reception. The Park rules meant that they all had to leave their phones, cameras and food on the bus anyway, which is just dangerous, as far as I'm concerned!

Elijah gave the kids some rules on safety and on their way into the caves, they all got chatting to some teenagers that Leah thinks now were probably high. The rain started when they got to the caves and they hid in the entrance for shelter. Elijah was just making a joke about psychotic bush men when a Ranger appeared and scared the shit out of all of them. He advised them to return to the bus as soon as the rain stopped as hanging out there in wet weather was not safe.

The group followed his instructions, only to find that their bus had been stolen. Leah and Elijah both think it was the teenagers they saw earlier who broke into it but it was too late to do anything. I've got a lot of theft to process tomorrow, I think. I just hope we manage to track the people down. They lost everything!

Elijah suggested flagging down a car for help but when they couldn't find any passing traffic, they took shelter in a farm shed. Leah remembers another chaperone, Brenda, commenting that the barn smelled funny but she dismissed it at the time. Bad move!

What they didn't realise was that that Rabbit girl had told Miles this exact warning so he'd taken off after them. His car ran out of petrol and Rabbit disappeared at a crucial moment. His phone was also out of reception so, still on crutches from when he fell down the stairs, he sought shelter in the farm house. He panicked when he saw the same animals from his dream and then found everyone passed out in the barn.

Crazy or haunted, nobody can deny that Miles is a true hero. Even with a broken ankle, he fought to save their lives and he succeeded. He forced his way into the barn and managed to rouse Elijah and Leah and together, they helped the kids out to safety. With all that in mind, I'm not sure any of us can safely doubt the existence of this Rabbit character, can we? I mean, she told him they were in danger. How would he have known where to go otherwise?

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 13<strong>**th**** May**

**22:30**

**Home**

I got an all too rare treat today and got to take Ruby out to dinner. We met at six and I have only just got home. It was so nice to spend time with her and I feel like we're making progress each time we hang out. Maybe one day, she'll be ready to move back in. Maybe one day, we'll really be ready to be mother and daughter.

She said that Nicole is really down at the moment. It turns out that Justin has been telling her all this time that he thinks Aden is wasting his life and that he should join the army. He's been hassling poor Nicole and saying that she is holding him back by keeping Aden in a town where he just works in a Diner and a bait shop and has no real ambition.

On top of that, Aden asked Nicole if she would go on holiday with him yesterday and admitted that he was sick of Summer Bay. Nicole agreed to a weekend but Aden wants to go away for longer. He said that he was going to miss Justin when he leaves to go back to the army. She's started to feel like all Aden is doing is surviving and that he has no passion for anything. She doesn't think she is enough for Aden in the wake of Belle's death and she doesn't know what to do when she finishes school and goes off to design college. She also asked Aden if he was happy with his life and he couldn't seem to answer.

She's even started wondering if Justin has a point and perhaps Aden _should_ join the army. I'm not convinced. I do think that he needs a bit of direction and he needs to find something he loves. He had plans when he was with Belle but had to put them on hold to nurse her through her cancer. I agree that he needs to find the right platform to find himself but I'm not convinced that the army is the way to go. Besides, I'd really, really miss him if he left town! I know that's really selfish but in a lot of ways, I kind of feel like he's my last connection to Joey. I'd feel really sad to lose him. But I guess everyone has their own path to take.

Of course, Ruby couldn't go the whole night without swooning over Liam a little bit. I am really hoping that it's innocent and harmless and isn't going to turn in a bad direction. We all know that when Ruby wants something, she gets it. Anyway, she was saying that he really helped Nicole yesterday when she had a bit of an altercation with some guys and they had a chat about everything. It was Liam who suggested to Nicole to face up to everything and try and talk things through with Aden. Unfortunately, when she tried, he was busy at work and then said he just wanted to crash out as soon as he got home.

She gave as good as she got with Justin though. She told him in no uncertain terms that he has no idea what she and Aden have been through over the last year, and she's right. Justin wasn't anywhere to be seen when Aden was accused of trying to kill Larry. He wasn't there for court when the truth about his childhood came out. He wasn't there for the wedding, or when Belle was sick or when she died. He wasn't there in the aftermath of all of that. Nicole was. She took care of him and she loved him and that has to count for something, doesn't it?

But the thing is, because they've been through so much and Aden has suffered so badly, is it really helpful for him to stick around in Summer Bay? How is he ever going to let go of Belle if he's constantly reminded of the home and the life they shared together. But then, you would want to stay close to the person you love, wouldn't you? I guess the whole situation is really difficult.

Speaking of Aden, I got a call from Morag today to tell me that all charges have been dropped against him and Justin. She had to make quite the appeal to the prosecution service by describing their family situation and that Justin had been hurt during the accident as well as Larry. She even spoke to the army to get as much information as possible and hooray, it worked!

VJ is pretty strung out about everything that happened yesterday, of course. Leah has been really worried about him but he kept refusing to talk about how he feels about it all. It sounds like Elijah was the saviour of the day though.

VJ was refusing to go and stay with Stella for the night but he wouldn't give an explanation. Then he had a near miss with a blender. Leah suggested they went for group therapy but VJ latched onto Elijah's idea of a party. They settled on an 'I almost died but didn't' party, which is kind of random and kind of cool. Having not shared their experience, I made myself scarce and, like I said, I was very happy to spend the evening with Ruby.

What is really nice is that Miles is the hero of the hour. The events of yesterday got into the papers and everyone is fawning all over him, especially Colleen. That's got to be good for him, right? Speaking of Colleen, she's even coming round to the idea of Leah and Elijah. They spent a bit of time with Miles again today and he admitted he thought Rabbit would have left him and that her work might be done by now. But he saw her again after the rescue and Leah mentioned in passing that Rabbit asked him to meet her down at the beach. I hope he's okay and that he can make peace with the situation.

Well, it's getting late so I am going to turn in. Everyone was already in bed when I got in so I am sure I will hear all about the party tomorrow. I hope they all had a good time!

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 14<strong>**th**** May**

**16:00**

**The Beach**

Well, Aden has left town without even saying goodbye to anyone. He graced poor Nicole with nothing but a mere text message to say that he was gone. Honestly, I know he's been through it recently, but I really thought better of him than that.

It all started yesterday… well, I guess it all started a long time ago. But yesterday, he was really eager to spend time with Justin before he returned to the army. I'm not entirely sure what happened but I guess Justin got into his head about moving to the city.

Nicole was upset anyway because he'd promised to call after his nap yesterday but he was kind of snappy with her and told her that he couldn't wait for Justin to get the hell out of town. She asked him if he was happy and he eventually admitted that he has had happier times in his life. Then he basically sent her away and told her that she can't help him with his problems.

Anyway, Nicole found him at the Surf Club later and broke up with him as she stopped believing they have a future. According to Ruby, who was told by Nicole, he tried to talk things through but she couldn't put herself through listening when she knows breaking up is the right, albeit the hardest thing to do.

Then today, Aden tried to talk to Nicole again so she gave him an ultimatum – if he could say he loved her then she'd give things another shot and if he couldn't, it was over. He couldn't say the words, which I guess only proves that they're not meant to be together. Look at me and Angelo – I can't love him, I can't lie and say I do and I can't ever see that changing – and we are most definitely not meant to be together either.

The breakup meant that Aden didn't actually have much to stick around for. He was here because that's where he happened to be and he stayed because he wanted to be with Nicole. But without her, I suppose the whole place is just full of painful memories for him.

He and Justin left town together with a text to Nicole and nothing to anyone else. I'm really going to miss him. He's such a good guy and he was so helpful when I was having problems with Angelo, not to mention how he helped Joey and how he essentially brought us together. If he hadn't flagged up what had happened to her and how worried he was, then she might always have been the beautiful girl I kept seeing round town but was too shy to talk to. And maybe, for her sake at least, that would have been better. She could certainly have lived without the way I hurt her. But for my part, I couldn't bear to not have been with her, even if it's painful to be without her now.

Anyway, Ruby is over at Nicole's now, trying to console her. I really hope she's okay.

In happier news, VJ's party was a roaring success, even if one of the guests did have a near miss before it started. Leah had mentioned it to Colleen and she was wangling for an invitation all day. Still eager to get invited to the party, even though it was specifically for those who had had near death experiences, Colleen bought some cakes round. When she tasted one, she choked on it and Leah and Elijah had to save her. Leah was fretful, having had the feeling all day that something bad was going to happen. To be honest, and I don't mean to be suspicious but it all seemed a bit convenient to me. I'm not convinced that she really 'nearly died'. But I'll keep that to myself. Leah was really worried about her and she and Elijah welcomed her to the party.

And it looks like Miles has finally made peace with all his grief. Elijah followed him down to the beach yesterday and he said he couldn't find Rabbit anywhere. They argued a bit because Elijah thought it was the right time to let her go and Miles didn't want to say goodbye. But eventually, Rabbit appeared and they did say their goodbyes. He told Leah that they built a sandcastle together and spent some emotionally close time together. Miles told her how much she means to him and she told him that he didn't need her anymore. Then she told him to start seeing Michael again and that she was leaving for good this time. He said that she walked across the sea to her mother and then they both disappeared. I know it sounds farfetched but, especially in light of his vision coming true the other day, I can't help but think it might be real. And I guess, even if the whole thing did only exist in Miles's head, it's a lovely story. And I hope it has been healing for him.

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 15<strong>**th**** May**

**12:31**

**The Beach**

I was off work today but I'm back on duty tomorrow. This morning, I went to the gym and tried to de-stress a little bit and now I'm lounging on the beach and working on my tan. I think I'm going to have a long, leisurely lunch – preferably with Ruby, if she gets back to me – and then I'm just going to chill for the rest of the afternoon.

Tony was there when I was working out and I overheard him and John talking about some boxing match that they've scheduled. I reckon Gina and Rachel will be just thrilled with that idea! I know they can't stand each other but with that in mind, is putting them in a ring, even with gloves and encouraging them to knock each other's blocks off the greatest idea in the world? I'm really not so sure!

I caught sight of Martha on the beach just now and she looked like she had the weight of the world on her shoulders. I guess she does. It didn't feel like my place to talk to her or try to make things better so I left it. I just hope she's okay. And that she doesn't tell the rest of Hugo's family the truth. Although, having said that, secrets seem to be the dangerous thing these days. Perhaps honesty really is the best policy on all occasions. I certainly think honesty would have saved my relationship with Ruby and maybe even Joey. One can live in hope – and a bit of regret – I suppose.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 16<strong>**th**** May**

**22:15**

**Home**

It's been another pretty difficult day. I worked very long hours with Angelo and we were pretty much committed to trying to track that bastard, Hugo, down. We've basically been given twenty four hours to locate him or he officially becomes a fugitive. We started early this morning and have only just given in. We both need to sleep and then get cracking again in the morning, although the chances of finding him are pretty slim.

Angelo is terrified that the media will get hold of the story and make it public. I can understand where he's coming from. Not only would it be dangerous for all concerned, it would be a pretty tragic end to the case he's been working on for a whole year now. He's so desperate to get it wrapped up and closed. I can't help but feel sorry for him.

I went over to see Martha this morning but she insisted that she hadn't seen or heard anything from Hugo. Meanwhile, Angelo got it in the neck from Gina when she saw him so we can only assume that the whole of Hugo's family now know that his death was faked. She slapped Angelo round the face and screamed at him over everything he has put her family through. I can empathise with Angelo but I can also see Gina's side of the story. Whatever the reasons, Angelo killed Jack, arrested Hugo and then faked his death, only for him to go missing. How much stress can one family take?

Anyway, Angelo became convinced that Hugo was in the Bay so we went round to question Gina at home. We ran into her on the journey, as she was travelling from school to hope so we talked to her there and then. She was pretty cagey and I may be wrong but it kind of felt that it wasn't just due to her current hatred for Angelo. It seemed to us both like she was hiding something, which of course has only fuelled Angelo's suspicions that Hugo has made contact. She managed to put off the interview though, clearly tapping into Angelo's guilt about the whole sorry mess and we've agreed to come back first thing in the morning to talk to her instead. I just hope nothing drastic happens between now and then.

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Charlie and Angelo try to uncover Hugo's hiding place, Liam wants to duet with Ruby and Elijah proposes to Leah…<em>


	105. Chapter 105

_Sorry for the lack of update yesterday. I was rather more fatigued from the weekend than I realised I would be but I hope you forgive me and enjoy today's chapter anyway. Love, IJKS xxx_

**Chapter One Hundred and Five**

**Monday 17****th**** May**

**01:32**

**Home**

Well, my night didn't quite go to plan in the end. I hadn't been home for long before Angelo called with a 'bad feeling' that he had to act on there and then. Cue, me getting dressed and heading out to Gina's to try and talk to her again.

Martha and Xavier were there and they were both edgy, as was Gina. It really felt like they were hiding something – or _someone_. No prizes for guessing who. They denied having seen Hugo, of course and when Angelo asked to search the place, Gina insisted that he get a search warrant first. That's quite telling in itself.

I opted to go home as I was dead on my feet but I gather that Angelo has started up surveillance on both Gina's place and the farm and I think he's going to take the lead in it. I can only imagine him parked outside the farm or outside Gina's place, desperately trying to stay awake. It's not good for him but I'm not going to interfere, at least not at this stage.

* * *

><p><strong>Monday 17<strong>**th**** May**

**20:20**

**Home**

It's been another long day to trying to find Hugo and we've come up with nothing. Angelo was all for us working twenty four hours a day but I'm not going for it. To be honest, although I do understand how desperate he is to conclude this case once and for all, I am worried that it's going to turn into one of his obsessions. He gets so set on one thing and everything else in the world dies except that. It can be really concerning sometimes. For now, he's increased the surviellence on Hugo's family. I've done my part but I'm not about to camp out night and day.

I had a brief lunch with Ruby today and something is very obviously wrong with her. She's very cagey and didn't seem to want to talk about Xavier at all. And even more worrying is that she didn't even have the inclination to swoon over Liam. Something is obviously troubling her and I just hope that it's her crush on Liam or something school related, and not anything to do with Hugo Austin. I am absolutely terrified of her getting caught up in this mess.

She had a fair bit to say about Nicole though. She spent time with her today and she, Miles and Liam are all trying to rally round a look after her in the wake of Aden's departure. Although Nicole knows that her future never lay with Aden, she clearly wanted it to and their breakup must be really hard to take.

In some good news, Leah mentioned that Michael has certified Miles as being fit to work again so hopefully he will return to teaching soon. He just has to appear before a P&C meeting and then he's good to go.

And apparently, the boxing match was called off and then put back on again. I can't keep up!

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 18<strong>**th**** May**

**19:01**

**Home**

I'm getting home earlier and earlier! Hoory! But Angelo seems to be getting home later and later, which is less good. He's so focussed right now that I can barely get a lunch order from him, let alone any other kind of conversation. All he can think about is Hugo. It's like he is living and breathing this case right now.

According to Ruby, Romeo and Nicole were pretty instrumental in getting Miles his job back. They stormed the meeting and told the whole group how amazing he is and then the rest of the students lined the corridors on the way out, pledging their support. How awesome is that? He must have been so touched to realise how loved he is. And it has to have come at the perfect time. He's at his lowest ebb; his loved ones are lifting him up. It warms the heart really.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 19<strong>**th**** May**

**19:49**

**Home**

It's been another pretty long day at work and it's starting to feel like we're just chasing our tails. I agree with Angelo about Hugo being in town and that Gina or another member of the family is hiding him. But we just can't seem to get proof, no matter how many hours we spend spying on them.

Some woman arrived in town today. She's very brash and rarely sober and rumour has it that she was very busily flirting with Alf earlier. That must have been quite funny! I do think it would be nice if Alf met someone nice though.

He was married to a woman called Martha and had a daughter called Roo who lives in the States. And that's why Martha has the name she does, because she is the daughter that Roo gave up for adoption. And then he was with a woman called Ailsa, who I gathered started up the original Diner here in Summer Bay. And he's been kind of lost since then, as far as I'm aware. He had a brief thing that that Bridget woman a year or so ago but she was a conwoman and he got hurt pretty badly. Aside from that, I've only ever known him to be alone.

To be honest, you kind of have to admire someone who can exist happily by themselves. Half the reason I shoot from one romantic disaster to another is because I'm crap at being single. I can't cope with it. I guess that's why Angelo and I have been on such a relationship misery-go-round for the last year.

But anyway, I didn't quite intend for that to become an analysis of romance. I only meant to make mere mention of a new arrival in Summer Bay. In a small town like this, new people are big news, after all.

Oh, and I gather this boxing match thing between John and Tony sort of happened today. They got into the ring where Colleen (of all people) was the referee but they spent so much time fart-arsing around and exchanging trash talk that people got bored and left. Even Colleen gave up and went shopping, according to Leah. So if the boys actually got down to it or not, we'll never know because nobody was there to see it! What an anti-climax! Although I can imagine Rachel and Gina were relieved.

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 20<strong>**th**** May**

**22:13**

**Home**

I am getting kind of bored of saying that it was another long, Hugo-oriented day at work, which involved much sitting in cars outside houses, drinking coffee with Angelo, who is getting more worked up as each day passes. Maybe we should have that as a given until further notice?

The big non-Hugo-news of the day is that Elijah proposed to Leah! I can't say that I saw this one coming and by the sounds of it, Leah didn't either. I mean, it's way too soon, isn't it? They've only been together for a few months and it's not like he needs to marry her for the sex thing. They're already at it. Rather loudly, I might add. But marriage? After a couple of months? Really? I freaked out and broke up with someone because he wanted to _live _with me! I think I would have died of heart failure if he'd proposed. In fact, I still could now and Elijah didn't even propose to _me_ – he popped the question to Leah!

Anyway, she turned him down, explaining that although she loves him, it's too soon for her and she isn't ready to make such a big commitment – especially considering that she has been married and widowed twice before. And now everything is kind of awkward. I arrived home just as Elijah was hurrying through the door. Leah poured me a glass of wine and proceeded to tell me everything. She's in such a state about it all. They've agreed to just pretend he never said anything but really, how easy is that going to be? Elephant in the room or what?

Oh, and that woman who showed up in the Bay yesterday turned out to be none other than Romeo's mother. The gossip mill has informed me that she is an alcoholic and a terrible parent who has constantly let her poor kids down since the day they were born. It's a wonder that Romeo turned out so nice. And it's understandable that Mink has such an attitude problem!

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 21<strong>**st**** May**

**23:30**

**Home**

Today was much of the same except I've managed to piss Angelo off because I might have had to dish out some home truths and he didn't like them. It all started when I agreed to work late with him and he got a call from his supervisor to say that we've blown our budget on surveillance and have to take a step back from our pursuit of the investigation. I tried to gently suggest we might be going overboard but he just got snappy with me. Foolishly undeterred, I told him I thought he might have got so immersed in this investigation that he had lost perspective.

I did try and explain that I understood how far he had come and how much the case means to him but we just ended up arguing. I told him that while I loved his passion and determination to see things through, he did have a tendency to get obsessed. I think made the fatal error of mentioning the tree incident. He got really moody, snapped that he was right about Hugo when I didn't believe him and basically refused to give up the case. I am really glad I managed to wangle the weekend off work!

I had lunch with Ruby today and she still seems really distracted. I'm worried about her and I can't quite figure out what's wrong. One thing she did mention was that Xavier is still refusing to get along with John. I know he's not the nicest person on the planet but if Gina likes him then I guess it's just something Xavier is going to have to get used to. Having said that, it looks like Romeo's Mum, Jill seems intent on making a play for John so maybe it's not as cut and dried as all that. I don't know.

Maybe Ruby is feeling a little better at least though because she did ramble a fair bit about Liam today. I never thought I'd see the day when a crush on an older man could be a good thing! He suggested they did a duet together and then cut together a demo to try and pass onto a music producer. She's so excited about it!

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 22<strong>**nd**** May**

**13:34**

**The Beach**

I know I should be thoroughly enjoying the weekend off but to be honest, I'm bored. I feel like don't have a life at the moment. I keep disappearing to the city to spend time with Dad and Morag on my days off and subsequently, I think I am neglecting my friendships – not that I have that many in the first place.

I guess my two closest friends are Angelo and Leah. Once upon a time, I was really quite close to Martha but that has kind of faded now. I think too much has gone down between us over the last year. First, I slept with Hugo when it turned out that she must have already been keen on him. Not that that was the _worst_ outcome of that particular error. Then I dated Angelo, the man who killed her husband and even though that's water under the bridge now, some things were said last year that probably can't be taken back. And now, of course, she's hurt that I didn't tell her that Hugo was still alive. And we suspect that she is currently hiding him at the farm. So, she's not really the kind of friend I can call up and ask out for coffee these days.

As for Leah, we do spend some nice time together at home, although it's been less recently. But we rarely make actual plans to hang out together. I guess that's because we live together and it's easy to take each other for granted and assume we're going to see each other at some point in the day. But she's all smitten with Elijah now anyway and I rarely catch her alone. I guess I don't really understand the concept of merging so I find it difficult when my friends do it. I think I would have put my whole heart and soul into my relationship with Joey if it had lasted but otherwise, there hasn't been anyone that I've wanted to spend each waking moment with.

And then there's Angelo. Where do I even start? Firstly, he's mad at me. I mean, I assume he's still pissed about the tree comment from yesterday because he hasn't been bothered to contact me at all. And also, things tend to get complicated when we spend time together outside of work. I mean, I do consider him a friend but when he tried to socialise before, firstly, he asked me out on a date again and then he started stalking me. I don't want either of those things to happen again so it's probably safer to keep things professional, even if we do really care for each other.

And I guess there is a lot of guilt associated with Angelo too. Sometimes, when he looks at me, I know that he wants something romantic to happen between us. And then I feel really bad that I can't give him what he wants. Then I start overanalysing _why _I can't give him what he wants. And then I just feel really shitty about myself and all my past mistakes and I just can't pull myself out of it.

Once upon a time, I used to spend my days off with Ruby. And to be honest, I would still love to do that. But things have changed so much between us over the last year and sometimes I am genuinely terrified that we are never going to get back what we once had. The whole thing makes me feel so sad and then I end up on the previous described spiral, which isn't good for me. I feel like she is blocking me all the time. She is hesitant about hanging out, especially at the moment when she seems to have something very serious on her mind. Once upon a time, for example, she absolutely would have confessed all about her crush on Liam but now she's keeping it a secret – even though it's obvious to everyone. Probably including poor Xavier. I miss her so much.

And that, of course, leads me to my other spiral of depression. Joey. Aside from my mother, I don't think I have ever missed another person as desperately as I miss her. Sitting out here on the beach, looking out at the ocean, I can't help but think about her. I miss all the fun we had together, and not just the romantic stuff either. Back before I was even ready to acknowledge to myself that I was attracted to her, before we did anything like kiss or nearly kiss… we had so much fun together. I remember running on the beach with her and laughing till I didn't have enough breath in my lungs and I thought I was going to pass out. I remember watching movies and listening to her tell me all about the wonders of the sea. I miss her with all that I have and all that I am. I can't help but long for those days. I need her like oxygen.

* * *

><p><em>Next time… the police continue to hunt for Hugo, a kiss leads to a date for Charlie and Angelo and two engagements are announced…<em>


	106. Chapter 106

**Chapter One Hundred and Six**

**Monday 24****th**** May**

**15:10**

**The Beach**

I kissed Angelo. And I still don't quite understand what happened, why or where we go from here. I really thought we had put all traces of romance behind us and that we were destined to be mates instead but… well, now I don't really know how I feel about anything.

The day didn't start so well. Things were still kind of weird between us because of how obsessive he is being about the case. But we were finally granted a search warrant for the farm so we headed on down there as soon as we could.

Xavier was there with Martha when we arrived and she tried to use him needing to get to school to put us off our search. Angelo wasn't having a bar of it of course and we pretty much ransacked the property. Alas, there was not even the slightest trace of Hugo so either he's developed the power of invisiblity, he's staying at Gina's or we've got it wrong and he's not in town at all. I'm not entirely sure what I think and I'm not even sure what I want. Well, I do. I want this whole thing to be a tasteless joke, Hugo to be dead and buried and this whole damn thing to be over. But I guess that's not going to happen any time soon.

We took our break straight afterwards and grabbed some juices from the Surf Club. Angelo was feeling really down, which I guess is understandable. He started to wonder if he could be wrong about this, which is perhaps the first time I've ever heard him say those words. He's usually adamant that he's always right. Anyway, I was relieved when he considered just letting it go, although I honestly doubt he's going to stick to that.

Back at the station, he was still utterly miserable and I couldn't help feeling sorry for him. I guess that's where the most recent kiss debacle started. I treated him to a coffee in a bid to cheer him up and he decided to give the case a few more days before he lets it go. I still think it's going to take longer than a few days, if he ever quits at all but never mind. That's a different issue, I guess.

He's still convinced that even if he hasn't already, Hugo will return to see his family, even if it's just a fleeting visit. He's determined to finish what he started and told me that closing this case if the most important thing in the world to him. And he is right, I guess. He can't do that without Hugo. I know what it's like to have a case mean everything to you. Case in point – getting that bastard, Robbo sent down for rape and attempted murder. I didn't see it through to the end as closely as I should have but he's rotting behind bars where he belongs now and I like to think I helped with that.

Anyway, things took a turn for the worse when we were turned down for another search warrant. I tried to calm Angelo down but he was in serious rant mode. He said he feels like everything he has done since returning to the Bay has been for nothing – including everything that has happened with us. I tried to be positive about our friendship but it seemed to only piss him off more. He complained about us not being able to spend social time together and that I challenge him over everything these days. And then, well, I don't know what made me do it.

First I was pissed off with him because it was like he was trying to put me in my place. Woman shalt never question Man or some such shit. Then I felt sorry for him because as much as I worry about his mental health sometimes, I genuinely do understand what this case means to him. It was meant to be his redemption. He was meant to counteract bad with good. And for it to all fall apart must be heartbreaking for him. And then I felt guilty. I felt like if I just gave in and gave him what he wanted then at least one thing in the world would make him happy. So I kissed him.

Yep, Charlie Buckton is really smart, isn't she? Even after _everything_, all the stupid mistakes I've made – namely Hugo Austin – I still seem to think that problems can be solved in sex. I mean, I didn't have sex with him or anything but I did kiss him. Am I never going to learn?

We were both kind of surprised and both a little bit freaked out. We stumbled over a few words and then kissed again before I panicked, asked for her afternoon off and then disappeared as quickly as I could. I didn't make quite the suave exit I planned as I forgot my keys but never mind.

Even writing in here hasn't helped me figure out why the kiss happened or whether it should have or not. I feel so confused. And I'm furious with myself for complicating things. And it _was _my fault. I _did _make the first move this time. Shit. What the hell am I meant to do now?

* * *

><p><strong>Monday 24<strong>**th**** May**

**23:13**

**Home**

I had a really nice evening. Leah and I ended up having an impromptu girlie night in with lots of wine where we analysed our invidiual predicaments. I can't say I'm all that much clearer on the Angelo situation but I had a heap of fun complaining about it with Leah!

When she arrived home this evening, I told her that I kissed Angelo – twice – and she was typically amused. I think perhaps she and Ruby both have this idealised perception of my relationship with him, like perhaps he is meant to be the love of my life of something. I do love him but only as far as I love Leah really. And there is _no _romantic interest there, I can assure you.

Anyway, Leah was bemused as to how it happened, considering I have been so adamant that it's over between us. I tried and failed to explain it and like I said, I still don't really get it myself. I'm kind of torn over the whole thing, really. Everything in my brain is telling me to run away from the whole situation. Maybe I need more therapy…

We then got onto discussing Leah's situation with Elijah, which was a relief. The less I talk about my problems, the less I have to think about them! And the less I think about them, the more I can pretend they're not there!

It appears that Leah doesn't quite have that luxury though. Things have been understandably awkward between them since she turned down his marriage proposal and she's not quite sure what she is supposed to do next.

The man himself then interrupted, having been helping VJ with his homework. Leah and I had been try and failing to start cooking dinner but we kept getting distracted by conversation. He was pretty sweet actually. He realised that we needed some girl time and left us to it for the night. We then opened the first of several bottles of wine and analysed the hell out of ill advised kisses and rejected proposals!

One of Leah's biggest concerns is that, if she were to accept Elijah's proposal, she would have been married three times at the age of thirty one. She's already been widowed twice and she's scared of getting labelled the black widow or something awful like that. I mean, I'm sure nobody is or would judge her for anything. She's Leah! How could you possibly criticise her? She's wonderful. And certainly nothing that happened with either marriage was her fault. Granted, I wasn't around at the time but I know that much.

But I have to say that I think she's right about this. She and Elijah haven't been together for very long at all. It's a bit quick to rush into marriage, isn't it? I mean, I guess I'm not the best person to judge the situation. I think I could have been with Angelo for fifty years and I'd still refuse to even live with him!

Anyway, we had a really good night together. We discussed everything about her current relationship and my most recent one. Neither of us have any answers yet but it was good to discuss things. We even ended up reminiscing about the past. We had a bit of a giggle over our memories of Roman and she opened up a little more to me about her past relationships with Vinnie and Dan and a few other guys she dated in between.

I talked a little more about Angelo but I also ended up talking about Joey a fair bit. I think it was the wine that got me teary but I did have to admit that I've never felt about anybody the way I felt about her. It's a tragedy really.

But anyway, I've had a good night and I'm not going to ruin it now by getting all maudlin about the past. If nothing else, I have to get a good night's sleep in order to face the future!

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 25<strong>**th**** May**

**17:45**

**Work**

I'm on a late tonight but I'm on my break so I thought I'd take some time to have a coffee and write down my thoughts.

Things were pretty awkward with Angelo today. After the kiss that surprised both of us, we both felt a little weird around each other and struggled to make conversation. I apologised for leaving work early the previous day and he was really weird with me. He seemed really aloof and I couldn't quite figure out why.

Anyway, he changed his tune after lunch and we decided to go on a date. That's okay, right? I mean, neither of us are committing to anything. It doesn't have to be heavy. It's just a date. No expectations or requirements. Just a date. People go on dates all the time. We don't have to kiss or sleep together or get back together or anything scary like that. It's just a date. No big deal. It's just dinner on Monday night. Nothing wrong with that…

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 26<strong>**th**** May**

**23:48**

**Home**

I've spent most of this evening trying to console poor Leah. She and Elijah just broke up and the poor girl is utterly heartbroken. I feel so, so sorry for her. She's actually in more of a romantic mess than I am, which is quite a feat.

It all started (again) yesterday when she went to visit him after his self defence class. He asked her out to dinner and then she poured her heart out about how much she cares for him and that she wants to savour every stage of their relationship without charging ahead and taking on more than they're ready for. He accepted it and it looked like they were back on track, although he did back out of their date rather awkwardly. Then Nicole barged in with the engagement ring Elijah had apparently bought in preparation to propose again. After Nicole left rather awkwardly, Elijah explained that he was going to propose again but changed his mind after what she said to him. Things were understandably awkward and then Leah ran out in a panic.

I didn't see her last night because I finished work too late but we discussed everything a fair bit this morning. She was terrified that she'd ruined a great relationship (I know that one!) and admitted that she was really touched that he went out and bought a ring even after she had turned him down. I gather that she spent the evening with Miles and poured her heart out though. He told her that Elijah is scared he has ruined everything between them. And I guess, in light of what happened today, he kind of has.

She said she spent most of today panicking that Elijah was going to break up with her. She feels like she has let him down but Irene insisted that she go and talk to him about it. And that's when she did it. I don't know if there is a part of her that broke up with him in case he broke up with her but she was pretty cut up about the whole thing. She told him how much she cared about him and then ended it between them. He wanted to pretend the proposal had never happened so they could carry on the way they were before all of this but she insisted that he deserves better than that.

So, she basically spent the the evening crying in my arms. We drank too much wine again and tried to strike a balance between morose and humour. I hope I helped. I listened to her and tried to reassure her and make her laugh. She went to bed happier than she was when she went home so hopefully things will feel a bit better for her in the morning. She's such a good person and I love her so much. I really hope she can heal from this. And you never know, maybe she and Elijah will find a way through this latest disaster. They obviously love each other and they're a good match. I live in hope for them.

In other news, Ruby is still pretty excited about this music thing with Liam. They're actually considering putting an album together. I'm still not completely sure about the whole thing, if I'm honest. I mean, I'm proud of her and I am so happy that she's found a talent she's really passionate about. But I don't know Liam that well. I know he's a good guy and he's a responsible teacher but I also know about his past and that scares me a little. What if they break into the music industry or something and he goes off the rails again? And what if he drags Ruby with him? Plus, I still think she has a crush on him and as much as I love her, Ruby does go a little silly when she likes someone.

Oh, and there's some kind of rumour going around that Alf and Marilyn are engaged! What the hell!? I will have to investigate this tomorrow…!

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 27<strong>**th**** May**

**19:01**

**Home**

I'm hiding in my bedroom in a bid to make myself scarce and give Leah and Elijah some space. Yep, you heard me right. Not only are they back together but they're engaged! Part of me thinks it's extremely exciting and I hope I get to be a bridesmaid. And part of me is kind of worried that it's going to end in tears. I know they love each other and in so many ways, they really are a perfect match. But they also haven't known each other all that long and I'm worried, like I guess Leah is, that they're rushing into things too quickly. But anyway, it's not my place to worry about things like that. I'm just going to be happy for them. Hooray for marriage!

They're having a special dinner with VJ at home tonight. They did invite me but it feels like family time really so I bailed. I think I'll just hang out in my room. I might get some reading done or something.

Oh, and speaking of marriage, I found out what the deal was with Alf and Marilyn. I asked Angelo about it this morning because he and Alf are pretty tight these days. Apparently Colleen got it into her head that Alf and Marilyn are an item so in a bid to wind her up, Marilyn convinced Alf to help convince her that they're engaged. How very strange.

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 27<strong>**th**** May**

**23:04**

**Home**

I feel so happy right now. I know this sounds rally daft but I got dragged down to dinner with Leah, Elijah and VJ and told in no uncertain terms that I was family. I feel so loved. They even made a point of saying that I wasn't expected to move out when they get married. I have to admit that's a relief as I was a bit worried. I like living here. Leah and VJ really are my family and I really enjoy coming home to them at the end of the night. But anyway, yeah, I feel really loved at the moment so I just wanted to write it down to capture the feeling.

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 28<strong>**th**** May**

**16:08**

**Home**

VJ is being so cute at the moment. The days of him being sceptical about Elijah are well and truly over. He absolutely worships the ground Elijah walks on and looks positively giddy at the thought of him marrying Leah and moving into the house. I think Elijah is going to be a really strong father figure him and I think that's exactly what that little guy needs. Not that he's so little anymore. I can't believe that he'll be in high school in January! Where does the time go?

I'm having dinner with Ruby tonight and we're trying to make sure it's a weekly thing. I miss spending time with her so much and although she's caught up in a very busy life, I'm pleased she is making time for me. We haven't spoken properly in ages. She doesn't even know that Angelo and I are going on a date on Monday. I presume she'll be happy about it. As for me, I'm not entirely sure if I'm happy or not. I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 29<strong>**th**** May**

**20:08**

**Home**

I had a long day at work today but a nice evening with Rubes last night. We had dinner and she has vowed that we'll hang out much more regularly. She was full of woe about Romeo, who is really struggling with his mother being around. She was also full of delight regarding Liam and lacking in conversation about Xavier. And she's thrilled that I'm going on a date with Angelo. I wish I was. The more I think about it, the more I think it's a terrible idea. But it's too late now, I guess.

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Charlie and Angelo get back together, the police move in as Hugo's family fall into danger and Xavier is jealous of Ruby's bond with Liam…<em>


	107. Chapter 107

_I know we're only a few chapters into this story, a mere one hundred and seven chapters but perhaps I should make the synopsis clearer. Firstly, this isn't a Charlie/Joey story, as much I would like it to be. It's a Charlie story. It's an experiment into her psychology and why she made some of the decisions she made on the show. And that leads me onto my second point, which is that yes, it does indeed cover what happened on the show, with creative fillers in between. And my third and final note – if you find it boring, you are not obliged to read. I'm sure there are tonnes of exciting things you can do with your day than hate a hundred and seven chapters of all the hard work I put in. But to everyone else, I hope you enjoy this one. I know we're getting into Angelo territory now (eek!) but Joey shall not be forgotten! Love, IJKS xxx_

**Chapter One Hundred and Seven**

**Tuesday 1****st**** June 2010**

**01:32**

**Home**

Well, I fucked Angelo. I can't put it any more delicately than that really because that's what it was. I don't know how I feel about it and I have no idea how he feels. We had a pretty weird date, I took him to bed and then I kicked him out. I feel like my head might explode. Why do I always do this? Am I that obsessed with affection that I'll just make myself easy and offer it out to whoever wants it, even when I know it's a bad idea? Ugh! No wonder Joey left me really. Why would someone as incredible as her have any interest in being with a fuck up like me?

Okay, the day started simply enough. We were working and spent much of our time time trying to resolve this Hugo Austin case. I don't think anyone has been more of a bain on my life than him. First he helped me destroy my relationship with Joey, then there was the whole human trafficking thing and now that bastard isn't even content with escaping justice. He's playing us all for fools right now. Angelo spoke to Alf about it and although he didn't give anything away, Angelo said his silence spoke volumes. He's more convinced than ever that the whole damn family are hiding him.

Work spilled over into life and all Angelo seemed able to talk about over dinner was Hugo. It kind of reminded me of my ill fated date with Hugo himself when all I could talk about was Joey. Only, fortunately, that one didn't end with us in bed together. Shame I couldn't have kept that up really. I feel like from Hugo onwards, I've failed to make any good sexual decisions. I wonder if a nunnery would take me on? Perhaps keeping away from sex altogether is the best way forward now? I don't know. Knowing me, I'd get hot for another nun or something!

Anyway, we pretty much abandoned the date in order to investigate Hugo. We went to the farm and arrived just in time to see a car speeding away from the property. We failed to catch up so we tried to speak to Martha instead. Angelo posed his theory about Hugo to her but she denied everything, of course.

Despite how very crappy the date had actually been, when Angelo dropped me at home, I kissed him goodnight. Then I took him to my room, we went at it and it was some of the worst sex I have ever had. I was barely undressed before he'd finished and all he seemed to want to do was roll over and go to sleep. I think the only worse consensual sex I've had was with Hugo because that was completely soul destroying. But I have to say that tonight with Angelo was even worse than it usually is with him. I mean, he's not bad, I guess. Just very selfish and very quick. He would probably win an award for being the least satisfying lover I've ever had. Guess who would win the award for the most satisfying?

And that's why this whole thing is fucked up. I've just been on a date with Angelo and I slept with him and yet still, the only person I can really think about is Joey. It's ridiculous! And if Angelo's so irritating and selfish and isn't even a good lay, why do I keep ending up with him? It doesn't make sense. No, it does. I know exactly why I keep ending up with him. Because he's the only person who's ever going to love me now. I might not love him and I probably never will but at least he's there. I know if I gave the word, he'd take me back and pledge to be with me forever. I've made so many mistakes and I'm such damaged goods that nobody else in the whole world – not even Joey, _especially _not Joey – is ever going to want to be with a girl like me. But Angelo does. No matter what I say or what I do, he's always there. But is that enough to base a relationship on?

Anyway, making some excuse about not wanting to confuse Leah and VJ about our relationship, I kicked him out a little while ago and didn't let him fall asleep in my bed. He made a remark about not minding getting kicked out like a criminal, which made me cringe and feel kind of guilty. I just didn't know what do do or where to go from there. We kissed each other goodbye and now I'm dreading having to see him tomorrow.

Even though it was already about ten thirty by then, I called Ruby in a state of panic. Retrospectively, she probably wasn't the best person to contact but Leah was still out having a celebratory engagement dinner with Elijah, Colleen, Miles and VJ so she wasn't around to talk to. I was invited but obviously I had my date with Angelo. I did consider cancelling but she told me that we could do something separately later. I think she knew I was looking for an excuse!

Anyway, Rubes was overexcited about the idea that Angelo and I could be getting back together. Part of me wonders where it comes from. I mean, she and Angelo get along and everything but they've never spent all that much time together. And yet, the way she talks sometimes, you'd think that we were Romeo and Juliet or something crazy and romantic like that. But to be honest, I think it's more about me being in a relationship with someone – whoever it is.

I think, especially since she found out that I was her mother, she's been desperate for some semblance of normalcy. And I wish I could give it to her. She's always believed so much in love that I think she longs for us all to be happy and thinks we need romance in order to achieve that. I like to think she'd been as happy if I was still with Joey. They certainly got along well and I feel happy and sad all at the same time when I think about the family unit the three of us might have been.

I admitted how confused I was and that I didn't really know the way forward. I'm scared of both Angelo and I getting hurt and I have no idea what to do next. I seriously have no idea how I'm going to face him tomorrow.

She only really wanted to talk about Angelo but I was eager to distract myself. I'm really not sure how things are going with her and Xavier. She said they'd been spending time together this evening but her biggest fixation was on all this work she's doing with Liam. She's been trying her hand at writing lyrics and she was hoping to meet him tomorrow to work on them.

She also said that Romeo is still having a pretty hard time with his Mum. Apparently Jill showed up drunk at school today and he and Miles had to take her home. He doesn't quite know what he wants from her. I mean, I guess he wants her to stand up and behave like a decent mother. But maybe it's too late to do that now. I mean, I try really hard with Ruby but I don't think she is ever going to love me the way I want her to. And aside from Angelo, I don't think anybody else is ever going to love me at all.

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 3<strong>**rd**** June**

**19:01**

**Home**

Wow, it's been a few days since I wrote in here. A lot has happened. We very nearly caught Hugo and… Angelo and I are back together. I think it might be for keeps this time. I'm happy. I think. I mean, well, it's complicated.

It all started on Tuesday really. Well, I mean, obviously it started when I slept with him on Monday night but Tuesday turned what could easily have been a one night stand into a relationship.

We were both kind of awkward around each other the next morning. I couldn't work out what was meant to happen next and for his part, I think he was trying not to push too much. Which makes a change, really.

But anyway, I booked in for a counselling appointment in the afternoon. Angelo wrecked my sessions with Michael but I went to see this woman he recommended, called Amy. I didn't have time to go into great detail but we analysed the Angelo situation a lot and she basically said that if I didn't get with him now then someone else would. I know that's probably not the best reason for dating someone but it got to me. He might never be the love of my life but I know it would drive me crazy if he got with someone else while I was still lonely and single. And he does love me. I know he does. So I figured, why not?

We might not be love's young dream, he might not make me all that happy – although obviously I told him the opposite – and I might spend the rest of my life longing to be with Joey. But at the end of the day, I'm never going to get the chance to be with Joey again. She's gone. I was lucky enough to be with her once but there is no way that after all this time, I could get a second chance with her. But I get chance after chance with Angelo. It would piss me off if I run out of them.

He's here, he wants me, he makes me laugh, we have a lot in common, the sex is crap but I'm sure we can work on that… So yeah, why not? It's better than being lost and alone and hating myself for the rest of my life, isn't it?

Anyway, I went to see him after my counselling session and I told him that he makes me happy and I want us to give things another go. Just how happy he was is enough to say that I'm thinking right about this. We all know I'm not the best girlfriend in the world but he's nice enough to put up with that. And after what happened last time, I'm sure he won't put pressure on me to make more of a commitment than I'm ready for. He's a nice guy and it's nice to feel loved, isn't it? And let's face it, nobody else in the world is ever going to feel this way about me so I may as well go for it. Joey loved me completely and I messed that up. Maybe I just need to learn from that and hold onto Angelo, who loves me the same. Even if I don't love him and even if he doesn't make me feel even nearly the same way she does. Have I convinced you enough yet?

We spent the night together on Tuesday and it was okay, I guess. I mean, better than Monday night but still not great. It's weird because the very, very first time we were together – back before Jack died and everything – I remember the sex being pretty good. I wonder if Joey just spoilt me. Now that was some amazing sex. It taught me that there really is a difference between sleeping with someone and making love to them. And she had some serious skills. I've never experienced something as incredible as that before and I doubt I will experience it again. But anyway, I really have to stop comparing them. If I'm really committed to what I have with Angelo now and I have to learn to let Joey go. It's been over a year now. I'm sure I shouldn't still miss her this much.

Anyway, we worked all day yesterday and the decided to go on an official date last night. We arranged to go out to dinner together but before we could go, we received an urgent phone call from Rachel. She told us that Gina, Martha and Xaiver had all been kidnapped by an old associate of Hugo's and that Tony had gone after them.

The kidnapper's name was Killer, although I presume that wasn't how he was christened! Angelo and I are both convinced that Hugo was involved somewhere, although we didn't manage to track him down or prove it. The basic chronology, I gather, is that Killer kidnapped Xavier last night, after an argument with Ruby. Gina went looking for him and so did Martha. Martha then got caught by Killer and then so did Gina. He indicated that he had Xavier so she had no real choice but to get into his car.

We spent most of the night trying to figure out what to do. We headed over to the exchange location where Tony was apparently due to confront Killer. When we finally got there, Xavier had just managed to rescue himself and the others from a rapidly filling water tank that they'd been held in. And Tony had succeeded in knocking Killer out.

Of course, there was no way Hugo wasn't there. He was long gone by the time we found them and none of the family are talking but he had to have been. Firstly, Tony couldn't have overpowered the guy all by himself and secondly, if Hugo wasn't hanging around then this Killer guy wouldn't have had the need to attack his family. He had to have known Hugo would react.

Having worked through the night, I was eager to get home. Angelo wanted me to come and stay the night, or, well, the morning with him but I declined. I was tired and needed a shower and I just wanted my own bed. I meant to write in here before I left for work at lunch time but I overslept and didn't have time.

Tonight, I am meant to be having girl time with Leah and Ruby, which I am looking forward to. I guess we all have rather a lot to catch up on over the last few days. For starters, I want to know exactly what's going on between my daughter and Xavier.

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 3<strong>**rd**** June**

**23:13**

**Home**

I had a nice evening with Leah and Ruby, and Ruby even decided to stay the night. It was fun, if a little intense. The three of us spent a vast amount of time analysing our love lives.

Leah is still very happy with Elijah, although they are currently both a little panicked about how little they actually know about each other. I resisted pointing out that that was stating the obvious. Of course they don't know each other well enough! They've only been in each other's lives for five minutes! But they're still intent on getting married and they seem happy.

She was most alarmed by her mother's typically over the top reaction to the engagement of course. I have to admit, having experienced the Poulos family first hand at Leah's thirtieth birthday, I'm not relishing the idea of having them all descend on us again. They're pretty intense!

Leah is also a bit panicked because Elijah's family are coming to meet her and he isn't very keen. I tried to assure her that he probably just has the same issues with his parents as she does with hers but she's all afraid that he is ashamed of her or something. As if! How could you be ashamed of dating someone as wonderful as her? And I gather he reassured her himself anyway so I'm sure everything will be fine.

For her part, Ruby is having some issues with Xavier. He has got a bee in his bonnet about her friendship and working relationship with Liam, apparently. He even went as far as warning Liam away from his girlfriend, although both Ruby and Liam insist that there is nothing going on between them. I should hope not!

Liam has told her that until everything is sorted out, they can't sing together because he is worried about Xavier ruining his fragile reputation. I can't blame the guy. He's worked really hard to build himself up after all the problems he's had and it would be a shame for it to be ruined now, especially if he hasn't done anything wrong.

The thing is, that even if Liam has been honourable, the fact that Ruby really likes him is plain for all to see. So, while I can't help but think he's handled it all wrong, really, you can't blame Xavier. Ruby already left him for Geoff once. It must be really hard to take if he thinks it's happening again. And Ruby isn't doing herself any favours by feigning innocence and shock. I haven't even spent that much time with her recently and even I know she has feelings for the guy. I think I might have to have a word if she won't admit the truth to me.

Liam has tentatively agreed to continue working with Ruby but I think things are going to be more than a little awkward now. Yes, I think I will definitely have a word. But hopefully without Ruby finding out and yelling at me for interfering!

As for me, I talked about Angelo, as required. I told them how happy I was and how I really think we're going to make a go of it this time. My theory is that if I behave and talk as if he's the love of my life and I'm overjoyed to be with him, maybe it'll come true. Do you think that will work? I'm sure there's a book about it or something…

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 4<strong>**th**** June**

**17:12**

**Home**

I worked all day today but I have a nice weekend ahead of me – I hope. It's my birthday tomorrow and I have plans to go for dinner with Ruby, Angelo, Leah and Elijah. I'm really looking forward to it. I've just got to throw myself into every situation and hope for fun, I think. I need to forget my pain and just move on. I have to make the best of everything I have.

We've got Elijah's parents coming to stay next week. They were meant to be housed at the rectory but it has a leak. Elijah used the leak to cancel the trip but Leah interfered and invited them to stay with us instead. It's possibly the first time I've been glad Ruby isn't living here at the moment. At least they will have their own room and it won't be too crowded.

Angelo is staying over tonight so we can wake up together on my birthday. That's nice and coupley, right?

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 6<strong>**th**** June**

**22:01**

**Home**

I had a pretty nice weekend. There was a bit of an issue in the morning yesterday but we got over it and everything turned out alright in the end.

I woke up with Angelo and he gave me a card and some birthday gifts. He'd bought me a bracelet, which was really pretty and thoughtful. And he also got me the latest season of _CSI: Crime Scene Investigates _and some crime novels. He got me a non-fiction book on unsolved murder mysteries, a box of chocolates and a bottle of wine. I was really touched that he'd gone to so much effort. It was really nice.

When we got up, after a bit of making out in bed, I found Leah and VJ cooking breakfast for me. Ruby had come round earlier and she was in a 'supervisor' role, apparently! The five of us had a family breakfast and I got some lovely presents from them all. VJ had made me a card, which was really sweet and Ruby has booked us a day trip to the new spa that's opened in town. I think she must have twigged that pretty much the best present she could ever give me would be her time so I am super excited about getting a whole day of pampering with her. It's going to be awesome!

The 'incident' occurred when I opened my cards and I got one from Joey. I don't know if Angelo just feels threatened that she cares enough to send me a birthday card or if I just looked far too elated than I should have. I really tried not to be excited that she'd remembered but I guess I'm not that good at hiding my feelings, not when it matters anyway. It was a bit awkward and he was a bit grumpy for a while but Ruby helped me explain that Joey is just a nice person and was making a gesture but that it doesn't mean anything. I certainly didn't admit that we still text ocassionally and I lied when she also sent me a text, wishing me a nice day too.

Anyway, the tension passed quickly and we all had a nice day in the end. I got spoilt rotten and I really enjoyed myself. Angelo spent the night again and we hung out for most of today before he went home this evening. He gets kind of amorous at night and we're both working tomorrow so we both needed a good night's sleep!

I'm pretty happy with how things turned out though. I had a lovely weekend. And the best things about it were Ruby's present, Joey's card and text and Angelo's thoughtfulness. All in all, I think I am a very lucky girl.

* * *

><p><em>Next time… The Hugo situation reaches its conclusion, Ruby and Xavier break up and Elijah's parents come to stay…<em>


	108. Chapter 108

**Chapter One Hundred and Eight**

**Tuesday 8****th**** June**

**03:49**

**Home**

What a day! We sort of solved the Hugo investigation once and for all. However, the conclusion was that he and Martha have skipped town, probably never to be seen again. I'm not entirely sure how I feel about that but I'll wait for an analysis later. Don't you just hate it when people skip to the end of the story before they've explained the beginning?

Detective Eaves arrived in Summer Bay this morning to investigate Killer and take him back to the city. Or so we thought. He and Angelo went straight to the farm in interview Martha. Little did we know at the time but Hugo was there and listening from the other room. He recognised Eaves' voice as belonging to an inside man who had helped facilitate the people smuggling.

Back at the station, Eaves interviewed Killer on his own. The next thing we knew, a shot was fired. Angelo ran in and found Killer dead and Eaves injured. Then Angelo got a text from Martha to say that Eaves was a dirty cop. I interviewed him but he was only interested in bringing Hugo down. He was pretty intent on getting back to the farm but we managed to delay him a little, insisting that he had to wait and see a psychologist after what happened with Killer. Meanwhile, Angelo called Martha to confirm what she'd said in the text and while he kept Eaves busy, I headed over to the farm myself.

When I arrived, Martha refused to confirm Hugo's whereabouts, of course. I pointed out that Hugo would be a hell of a lot safer with the police than being left to fend for himself with the people that are after him. He finally appeared, after so long spent trying to hunt him down and let me cuff him. I know it's probably a bit sick but I felt glad for it. I know Martha loves him and everything and I'm sure he has some good qualities but I hate him. He's responsible for the pain, suffering and death of so many people. If he hadn't been ready, willing and able then I might not have fucked my whole life up by sleeping with him and losing Joey. And he nearly killed me. He smashed me over the head with a gun, dragged me out to sea, attempted to throw me overboard and then abandoned me to the mercy of that psycho, Suzy.

Hugo was pretty stressed out and at first, I refused to let him go. But when I realised that Angelo and Eaves were on their way over with a warrant and that Eaves had Angelo's weapon, I had no real choice. I agreed to un-cuff him while we dealt with Eaves on the promise that he would hand himself back in when the Detective was out of the picture. I also warned him that if he didn't play by the rules then I would arrest his whole family for harbouring a fugitive. And I would have, as well, if it had been at all possible. I've hated this case from start to finish and even if justice hasn't exactly been served, to be honest, I'm just glad it's over.

They arrived in a state of panic. It took those of us inside a little while to figure out what was actually happening but basically, Eaves threatened Angelo's life when he refused to get out of the car. Eaves was already suspicious after the phone call and then when he spotted my car in the drive at the farm. Eaves made good on his promsise and fired but Angelo managed to get out of the way. They fought until we realised what was going on. Hugo came out and smacked Eaves over the head (he's good at that, hey!?)

Eaves then shot Hugo in the leg. I arrived outside just as Eaves tried to shoot Angelo again so I fired my gun as well. I managed to shoot Eaves but he still succeeded in running away. Gina and Xavier showed up and took Hugo back to the house where they called Rachel for help. Angelo and I left the scene and tried to track Eaves down. Tony must have come with Rachel because he showed up and came out to help us search for Eaves.

Finding Eaves pretty much happened in a blur. First, he surprised me and pointed a gun in my face. The next thing I knew, Angelo was on a motorbike with a scarecrow. I don't know where either of those things came from! But he sufficiently distracted Eaves and I was able to tackle him to the ground. But he got the upper hand with both of us again but fortunately Tony arrived and knocked him out with an iron bar.

We restrained and arrested Eaves and then arrested Hugo and Martha. At the time, I thought that was perfectly fair but I know now that Angelo never intended to get either of them charged. I met him back at the station a few hours ago and he said that Hugo had jumped him. I believed him at first and he even had an injury to prove it. But I guess it doesn't need to be said that he let them go. Hugo and Martha have run off into the sunset together, fugitives refusing to take any responsibility for all the damage that's been done. I'm still not sure how I feel about it all but hopefully I can fix my head enough later to write properly about it. But for now, I am absolutely exhausted so I just need to crash out and sleep.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 8<strong>**th**** June**

**19:01**

**Home**

It's been a pretty hectic day in the aftermath of Hugo and Martha's escape. Naturally, the whole town is talking about it. Angelo, Watson and I pretty much spent the whole day filing reports and getting it all wrapped up at the station. We seem to have silently agreed not to make a big thing of trying to find them and we delayed reporting it to the officials. I imagine they are well out of the country by now so there's really very little we can do.

I'm seeing Angelo tonight for dinner, although I'm pretty tired so to be honest, I'd rather curl up in bed and read. I'm still trying to process everything that happened yesterday. It feels like a very confusing time.

Hang on, Ruby's phoning.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 9<strong>**th**** June**

**18:49**

**Home**

I haven't got very long as I have to go out with Angelo tonight. Okay, that sounds bad – like he's forcing me or something. But well, yeah, I guess he kind of is. Ruby phoned in a state of panic last night and needed to talk to I had to abandon him for her. He threw all his toys out of the pram and we argued before he conceded that if there was one person I should be allowed to pike for, it's my daughter. I guess I should be grateful really. He could be a lot more unreasonable than he's being.

Anyway, the Ruby crisis was as follows: she and Xavier have fallen out. She'd sought advice from Irene and Nicole first, of course, and I tried really hard not to be hurt and to just be grateful she turned to me at all.

But back to the story… Xavier accused her of having feelings for Liam. I don't know exactly how she responded to him but she denied it to me, even though I have suspected for a little while now. I did try and get the truth out of her but she wasn't budging. I just hope she gets over it sooner rather than later. I don't even know where to start on the pitfalls of that particular relationship, not least of which it's illegal and he would and should be fired if he went there.

Regardless of what was said or not said, Xavier broke up with her. She was pretty devastated and I gather that Nicole spent a lot of time consoling her and standing up for her with Xavier. And she says she is now mortified because Liam overheard her discussing the situation with Nicole. I gather they made up some stupid cover for what they were discussing and it didn't go down too well or something. But with so many gaps in the story, it was kind of hard to keep up and to offer much comfort. The whole thing makes me sad. Once upon a time, I would have been told everything with no holds barred and now it's like she trusts her friends and Irene more than she could ever trust me. Have I really let her down that badly?

In other news, we're currently inundated with guests and activity in this house! It's almost a relief to be staying at Angelo's tonight as home has suddenly become pretty tense. Elijah's parents, Lijuan and Song have come to stay with us. They were meant to stay at the Rectory but there was a leak so Leah volunteered for them to stay with us instead. I think I might have already said that though. My head is fried right about now!

Anyway, Lijuan is a tiny, Chinese woman and she's very sweet, if a little highly strung. She and her husband have huge personalities and you certainly know when they're in the room! While Lijuan is a bit of a control freak, I gather that she and Leah are getting along. She and Song have given her relationship with Elijah their stamp of approval, which must be a relief.

One concern is how much Lijuan and Song argue though. Honestly, they don't seem to stop! Leah is freaking out, of course, fretting that this is what she and Elijah are going to turn into. If that's the case, I may have to find somewhere else to live!

The news about Hugo and Martha fleeing Summer Bay has spread pretty quickly. It seems like everyone is talking about it. I just hope it all dies down and goes away soon. I'm still struggling with it all, if I'm honest.

Anyway, I'd better get going. The last thing I want is to be late for Angelo.

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 11<strong>**th**** June**

**12:32**

**The Beach**

I'm on the night shift all weekend so I thought I'd try and take some time out today and just chill for a bit, collect my thoughts.

I had a nice time with Angelo last night, mostly because I was relieved to be out of our now very busy house. There was a bit of a todo on Wednesday because Leah is really struggling with Lijuan. She keeps trying to take control of the kitchen and everything and Leah and Elijah keep having to sneak out to get some air and not lose their tempers. Things came to a head and Lijuan and Song moved into a hotel for about thirty seconds before they argued with the staff and came back to the house.

He told me all about this crazy game between Alf, Marilyn and Colleen. Marilyn went to the Diner last week to tell Colleen the truth but she pissed her off so much that she told her that they were already married. Before Alf could force Marilyn to confess, Leah and Irene told Colleen the truth instead because they were sick of her whinging about it.

Rather than confronting Marilyn though, Colleen made a show of welcoming her to the family instead. She then used her own money to pay for a reception and drove Marilyn and Alf nuts with the preparations. Alf refused to help Marilyn set her straight and when she finally confessed, Colleen revealed she already knew that they were playing her. I really would not like to be Marilyn Chambers right about now!

But even more than that, Colleen made some comment about Alf being too old for Marilyn anyway so now they're going on an actual date. Angelo finds the whole thing hilarious and he's been teasing Alf about it all week. I think Alf and Marilyn together is either a really great idea or a really terrible one. I just can't figure out which yet!

Ruby seems to be a bit more settled, although she still refuses to tell me the truth about Liam. I wonder if I should tell her I already know she has feelings for him. And I wonder if I should make it clear to him that in no circumstance is he to go anywhere near her in a non-professional capacity. I don't want to charge in all guns blazing though. Things between Rubes and I are still so fragile and I don't want to make them worse by embarrassing her or something.

Elsewhere in this lovely Bay of ours, I hear that Romeo's Mum, Jill might be going to attend an AA meeting. Things have been pretty tense between them for a while but it looks like she might be starting to make an effort with him now. The poor kid deserves a break. And I gather that Miles and Marilyn are going out of their way to make her feel welcome in their home and part of the family. I think that's really sweet of them.

However, I also gather that Jill brought John to dinner with her when Tony and Rachel were also there and some harsh words between the boys were exchanged. It's understandable really – John is meant to be dating Gina after all. I would never put up with someone treating me like that. Okay, even I know that's not true. I let Roman mess me around and I don't even understand _how _Angelo treats me half the time!

There's also a new guy in town that seems to be charming everyone. His name is Penn Graham and he's moved into the caravan park. Irene and Marilyn were particular taken with him and I heard on the grapevine that Nicole seems utterly smitten already. I've not spoken to him myself but I've seen him from a distance. He seems nice enough – quite mysterious and pretty good looking, I guess.

It's weird but ever since I was with Joey, I've not looked at men in the same way. I'm still attracted to them but they just don't turn my head in the same way as they used to. I'd like to say that it's because I'm crazy about Angelo and have no interest in anybody else but I'm not sure I can commit to that, at least not right now.

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 12<strong>**th**** June**

**18:09**

**Home**

I slept for most of the day today, having worked all night. Angelo and I are going for an all day breakfast in town for our dinner and then we're off to work. I really hate night shifts. I'm back to a normal pattern next week, which will be a relief.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 13<strong>**th**** June**

**19:03**

**Home**

Yay, I've finished my night shifts! I'm back on normal hours next week and I'm thrilled.

I've been thinking a lot today about everything that's happened recently. I still feel a bit lost over the Hugo thing.

On the one hand, I love Martha and I considered her to be a really good friend so I want her to be happy. And on the other hand, I can't get my head around her being happy with a man like Hugo. He's a vile, violent, dangerous criminal. I'm not sure it's right for them to have their happy ending.

Subsequently, I'm not entirely sure how I feel about Angelo letting them go. I mean, I know the official story is that they overpowered him and escaped but it's blatantly not true.

It makes me feel… angry? I don't know if that's the right word but… when I think about what that man did to me… how can my own boyfriend want to give him redemption or a second chance or whatever? That just doesn't seem right to me.

He knocked me out, he abducted me, he tried to throw me overboard and he left me to deal with Suzy while he attempted to escape. He's a bad, bad man. Why do people still love him like they do? How can all of his crimes be excused? And why hasn't Angelo even acknowledged how I might feel about it all?

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Angelo is investigated over Hugo's escape, Ruby's crush on Liam continues while Xavier meets new girl, April and Nicole starts dating Penn…<em>


	109. Chapter 109

**Chapter One Hundred and Nine**

**Wednesday 16****th**** June**

**20:03**

**Home**

It's been a busy couple of days. I couldn't write on Monday because Angelo was staying here and I couldn't write last night because I was staying at his place.

I'm trying really hard to be a good girlfriend at the moment. Angelo's kindness towards Hugo and Martha has completely backfired and he is now under investigation for Hugo's escape.

I don't really know what to say to him. On the one hand, I feel really sorry for him. He's so down and I know he was trying to do the right thing. I assume he was trying to do one last thing for Martha, after everything that happened with Jack. I do understand it on that level and I feel very sorry for him.

On the other hand, it was pretty reckless and misguided to let a criminal of that magnitude go free. It's not like Hugo robbed penny sweets from the local shop. He's killed and hurt people and until he met Martha, he had no remorse for it. I could easily have been one of his victims. I mean, what happens if he and Martha break up? What if Hugo goes off the rails again and commits more crimes? What if other people get hurt? Angelo did the wrong thing by letting him go.

But I'm his girlfriend so I have to stick by him. I have to make a vow of support.

To start with, I invited him round for a family meal with Leah, Elijah, VJ, Lijuan and Song. It got a little awkward when Lijuan tried to get Angelo to share his pain with the whole group. She and Leah then started arguing about the handling of the situation and Song had to intervene.

Angelo wasn't best pleased and was eager to escape to my room as soon as we could. We ended up having sex several times. More than anything, it was a bid to cheer him up! And I think it worked. I mean, he went to sleep with a smile on his face.

Monday actually marked the two year anniversary of the first time I saw Joey. I didn't speak to her or anything; I just saw her randomly putting her rubbish out. I had no idea at the time just how important she was going to become.

But I tried not to dwell too much on that today. It's part of my decision to let her go. But I can't say it was easy. I felt like I was cheating on her all over again by being with Angelo on a day that holds significance for me and my previous relationship. But it had to be done. I have to get over her, even though it still feels impossible.

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 17<strong>**th**** June**

**22:22**

**Home**

It's been another long day. Work feels kind of strange. Angelo is there but he's like the ghost of himself because all he can think about is this investigation. On the plus side, at least he hasn't been suspended or anything. At least for now, he still has work to keep him busy. I dread to think what he would be like if he lost his job, considering how hard he worked to get it back after everything that happened with Jack.

I got to spend some time with Ruby this evening, which was nice and we've vowed to make time for each other at the weekend too, which I am really looking forward to.

She's pretty lost over the whole Xavier situation. Apparently a new girl has moved to the Bay and she saw her flirting with Xavier down by the pier. Ruby said that she is really pretty and Xavier seemed really keen on her. That has to hurt really, regardless of why you broke up.

Speaking of which, she's still not quite confessing to me _why _Xavier dumped her. She claims it is because he mistakenly believes something is going on between her and Liam. And it had better be mistaken. If Liam is seducing my teenage daughter, I can guarantee that there will be hell to pay. For starters, he will be singing in a rather higher pitch than he currently does.

Anyway, Ruby totally lit up when we got onto the subject of Liam. I wonder if she really thinks she's fooling anyone by insisting she only thinks of him in professional capacity. Anyway, she showed me some pictures she took of him in a bid to 'document the writing process'. She's actually a pretty good photographer.

Going back to Xavier for a second, Ruby told me tonight that she is really worried about him. Apparenly he had a big row with Romeo at school yesterday. It was something about Gina and John, I think. Liam tried to break it up, only for Xavier to push him over. Both boys wound up in detention and Xavier has been in a foul mood ever since.

In some more pleasant news, it looks like Nicole has a new boyfriend, although he did make her miss a Maths test at school. But anyway, she told Ruby that she's completely smitten with this Penn Graham guy. I think I mentioned him the other day. He's been charming his way through Summer Bay ever since he arrived. I haven't had the pleasure yet but it seems that he and Nicole are pretty keen on each other. I hope he's a good guy. The poor girl does not need her heart broken all over again.

I still think about Aden sometimes and wonder where he is and what he's doing. I guess I could text him. I do still have his number. But then, he left town without saying goodbye so maybe he wanted to leave this place behind completely.

I gather things were pretty interesting here on Tuesday night when I was at Angelo's. Leah is completely flustered by Lijuan and Song – especially Lijuan. They're always bickering and Lijuan is pretty controlling over the kitchen. Leah is a professional chef so really, that's got to hurt.

She tried to make them useful by getting them to babysit but the plan backfired. Eventually, she stormed off to the Diner to try and clear her head and ended up panicking all over Elijah about the wedding and all the necessary preparations. She is adamant that she's not calling it off but she is fretting about the whole thing. I had panic attacks just thinking about moving in with a guy so the idea of getting married is liable to make my heart stop completely. So I have full empathy for my dear friend!

Anyway, I have work tomorrow so I should probably stop writing and think about sleep. I'm really looking forward to spending time with Ruby on Saturday though. Is that really pathetic?

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 20<strong>**th**** June**

**16:12**

**Home**

I had a great day with Ruby yesterday and a nice day off work today so I am raring to go for tomorrow. I just hope that when our bosses come to investigate Angelo in the morning, it will all go well.

But anyway, I was excited about Ruby. We had a proper girlie day and it was so much fun. We went for haircuts and facials in the morning, then had a leisurely lunch followed by a lot of shopping. We rounded it off with a movie in the evening and we had a really great time together. I mean, I had a great time. I hope she did too. She seemed like she was having fun.

Angelo was a bit narked that I wasn't spending the day with him but he has to understand that Ruby will always be my priority. Regardless of how long she has known it, I have always known that she is my daughter and I have and will always do my best by her. And if that means post-break up girlie days for her and the sacrifice of time with my boyfriend then so be it.

It's days like this though that I especially miss Joey. I can't help but wonder if she would have joined us today if she had been around. She and Ruby got along really well and I would have loved to have seen that relationship develop. I think the three of us would have been a happy family. But I guess there's no point dwelling on the past.

* * *

><p><em>Next time… things get intense for Charlie as Angelo faces charges for Hugo's escape, Ruby celebrates her 17<em>_th__ birthday and the Walker family return to the Bay…_


	110. Chapter 110

**Chapter One Hundred and Ten**

**Tuesday 22****nd**** June**

**23:58**

**Home**

Angelo is currently sitting in a police cell, awaiting a bail hearing in the morning for letting Hugo and Martha escape. I feel so terrible for him. And if he manages to avoid jail completely, then I know I now have no choice but to stick with him and make sure our relationship works. He's sacrificed too much now. I have to do right by him.

Investigator Wilson arrived on Monday to kick start the investigation into how a fugitive and his girlfriend escaped a police officer and (probably) skipped the country. He interrogated Angelo first and poked a hell of a lot of holes in his story.

I did my best to console him but he had completely given up all hope. The mission that released him from jail could now easily put him back inside. He endured a second round of questioning and was then suspended from work. Then Wilson announced that the entire police station was under investigation for corruption.

We were informed that more officers would be arriving to interrogate all of us and I was dragged into an interview first. I know it was a lie but I had to stand up for Angelo. I insisted that he would never have let them escape but of course, with him being my boyfriend, it didn't mean anything. Wilson just assumed that my relationship with him is clouding my judgement on the situation. It's not… exactly. It's just making me lie through my teeth in order to protect him. It's not normally something I would do but I just can't bear to see him punished when the only reason he let the bastard go was because he felt like he owed Martha after everything that happened with Jack.

He was pretty much prepared to rip the whole station, all the officers and every bit of paperwork apart. He said that the whole station had been coasting and letting things slide. He accused us of not being professional enough and it was very clear that he wasn't going to drop any of his complaints against us.

That's when Angelo met with him and confessed to his wrongdoing in a bid to protect me and the rest of our colleagues from being dragged through it all. I was pretty stunned when he told me about it, as his career has been his life for a long time. That's when he said that he cared more for me than for his career. He told me he loved me and I said it back.

Yep, you read that right. I told Angelo that I loved him. And I really, really want to mean it. He was just so lost and so hurt and he'd made such a big sacrifice. Obviously it was for the rest of the station too but I know he mainly had me in mind. It's just rude not to love him after that, isn't it? Part of me feels bad for not exactly meaning it but if I _want _to love him, that's a step in the right direction, isn't it? And I do love him in my way. I'm just not necessarily _in love _with him. I haven't felt like that for anyone aside from Joey. But if I really am letting her go and moving on with Angelo, then I have to get over it, don't I?

He actually said that he'd never expected me to say that to him, which was quite sad. Sad in an unhappy way, not pathetic or anything. We've been dating on and off for almost a year now, although we have decided that our anniversary will be the day we formally got back together. You know, after I saw that counsellor who told me I should snap him up before he forgets me. We've decided that that was the day that we really made things work so we're starting from that point.

But anyway, what I meant to say is that it's sad he never thought I'd love him. He's been hanging on for so long, just waiting for me to feel about him the way I should. That's commitment, isn't it? And he's sacrificed his career and possibly his freedom for me too. Plus, as much as it freaks me out, I know that a lot of women would kill for a partner who was so desperate to live together and get married and have babies and all that stuff. I guess I'm lucky in a way that I have someone who feels so strongly about me. Plus, I owe him now. I owe him the chance to really make it work. I have to try my best.

We spent the night together last night and the sex was actually not bad. It was kind of different to how it's been before. I felt like it was more about us both and not just about him. Often, it's very much a case of giving me a couple of kisses, satisfying himself and then giving me another couple of kisses before he rolls over and goes to sleep. But it was more passionate last night. It wasn't as quick and I pretty much enjoyed it. Maybe when there's actual love – or at least a hint of it – between people, it makes it better. Maybe that's why it was always so incredible with Joey – because we felt so strongly for each other. Plus, she was amazing.

Anyway, this morning I had to reassure him quite a lot. I was late for work and so I needed to rush off and he started panicking that I had changed my mind. I can't do that now. This has to be for keeps after what he did. He kept telling me that he can face jail so long as he knows I will be waiting for him.

He had a meeting with Wilson, after which was he was cuffed and charged with the aiding an abetting of a fugitive. And like I said, he's spending tonight in a cell. I stayed at the station where they're holding him for as long as I could feasibly get away with. But in the end, I had to come home.

I need to be strong and at my best tomorrow in order to support him at his bail hearing. I just hope that we can get all of this sorted out. I know that if Angelo is around then I can really commit to staying with him. But if I'm waiting for him in jail, it'll be easier and harder to walk away all at the same time.

It'll be easier because I won't have him constantly reminding me of how much I'm supposed to love him. But it'll be harder because I'll know he's facing jail because of me. I mean, I know technically it's his own fault but he could have got away with it if he hadn't wanted to protect me from the investigation.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 23<strong>**rd**** June**

**18:10**

**Home**

Angelo has been granted bail but they're still going ahead with the prosecution. I just have an hour before he's due round here and I've been working all day. Really, I could do with an early night but I know I have to be there for him. He's in such a dark place right now.

It's a relief at least that Lijuan and Song have gone. Things have been more than a little tense around here recently. They flounced out on Monday, having finally twigged at how much trouble they were causing poor Leah. Apparently Elijah had a word with his mother, wanting to tone down her controlling nature.

Leah was pretty pissed about it, thinking he had made her look bad in front of his parents. I gather it took a lot of apologies from Elijah's side before she calmed down. She tried to convince Lijuan and Song not to leave but they, well, _she _was adamant that they had outstayed their welcome. Quite frankly, they have. But it's not my place to complain. I'm just a tenant. I'm lucky that, with the wedding coming up, Leah hasn't seen fit to kick me out so she and Elijah can play house.

Anyway, after a chat with Irene, Leah decided to lay it on thick and tell Lijuan how much she needs her in preparation for the wedding. Elijah had sought similar advice from Miles and before Leah could say her piece, he'd told his parents that he lied because he was panicking about the wedding. I'm not sure exactly how everything turned out but things seem to be okay, as far as I'm aware. And Lijuan and Song have now left for a holiday so peace reigns in the Patterson-Baker/Buckton and sort of Johnson house!

Oh, crap! I'm running late and lost track of time. That last thing we need today for Angelo to be pissed because I'm late. Bye!

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 24<strong>**th**** June**

**17:08**

**Home**

There are so many things I want to write in here but I keep running out of time. Now that Angelo is suspended from work and potentially facing jail, he's got nothing to do but follow me around and wait for me to get out of work. I know I should be savouring every moment but I'm finding it kind of difficult, like I don't have all that much breathing room. Does that make me a terrible person? Ive just never been the kind of girl to merge. I guess that's half the reason we split up last time. He wanted us to get all serious and committed and share every aspect of our lives together. But I like my separate life. I like having things that are just about me. I don't want to merge.

Anyway, the good news is that he got bail and he's awaiting a hearing date to see if he will be punished with jail time for letting Hugo and Martha escape. And they're going to delve pretty deeply into his work records and everything. Having one death and a lot of 'not by the book' endeavours in there are not going to score him any points. I wish there was something I could do to help him.

But I don't want this entire diary to be about Angelo. Gosh, that sounds really mean, doesn't it? It _should _be all about him. He's my boyfriend, the man I claim to be in love with. He told me today that the only plus side of all of this is that he is now free to make me the centre of his universe. I think I was meant to be touched but I was just… frightened? That's probably too strong but I was unnerved. I don't want us to be codependent. I want to stay within my own identity. I don't want to be stifled by him and I don't want to make him the centre of _my _world. If anyone should be, it should be Ruby. If he doesn't find an alternative way to spend his non-working time, I don't think I'm going to get to see her all that much.

Okay, the paragraph that wasn't about Angelo seems to have rapidly turned into being a paragraph about him. What else did I want to say?

Oh! It looks like Marilyn is setting up shop in the bait shop. As an expansion to the business, she is going to offer a tarot reading service. I'm not entirely sure if tarot reading and fishing go hand in hand but it does sound like a nice little project. Maybe I'll even go for a reading myself sometime.

Colleen has jumped on her soap box though and she's offering very loud objections to it on the basis that she is 'promoting the dark arts' but I genuinely don't see the harm. Alf defended Marilyn and reminded Colleen that back in the eighties or something, some woman called Floss used to do the same thing from her caravan. And apparently Colleen didn't have a problem with her so really, she shouldn't have a problem with Marilyn. I guess there's bad blood between them anyway.

Alf's criticism didn't have any effect, unfortunately. On Wednesday, Colleen had a letter printed in the local paper, condemning Marilyn and the whole business idea. I gather that poor Marilyn was pretty devastated. I'm not surprised. Leah and I both read the letter and we both agree that it was pretty harsh.

I hear that Colleen also ended up in an argument with Miles about it as well. I'm not entirely sure who said what but since yesterday, Colleen has been falling all over herself to be nice to Marilyn.

And Martha's farm has been leased to Alf. Apparently, she handed over the deeds shortly before she left. I have to admit that I did wonder monentarily if it had been a well thought out plan with Angelo but I'm sure he wouldn't have let things become so chaotic and dangerous just to let them go. He was as panicked as I was when Eaves turned out to be dirty and murderous!

Anyway, Alf has agreed to let Tony run some female boxing clases in the shed up at the farm. I think his idea is a pretty cool one, so long as he is promoting self defence rather than violence. I heard on the grapevine that Rachel is less pleased about it though. She was pretty horrified when he was going to fight John a little while ago so I guess that's not a surprise. I choose to remain neutral about it all.

The other big news of the week is that Sid Walker and his two kids, Indi and Dex have moved back to the Bay. I've caught a very brief glimpse of them and Dex really seems to have changed. It's all a bit awkward really – they caused a lot of chaos when they lived here before. Things got pretty murky between Sid and Nicole as far as I rememeber. I didn't pay all that much attention. I was pretty heavily grieving for the loss of Joey at the time – she says as if she doesn't continue to grieve for her every frickin' day!

They've moved into Martha's farm, renting it from Alf. It's probably good that Alf filled the place so quickly. Maybe that will help to poor guy not to dwell too much on Martha's departure. I wonder where she and Hugo are right now. I hope Martha, at least, is safe. I don't really give a shit about Hugo.

I have about fifteen minutes before I have to go and see Angelo… so, what else? It looks like Gina and John are back on, despite him seeming to spend an awful lot of time with that Jill woman.

And Lijuan and Song have returned from their holiday and are bickering in the lounge as I write! Oh, the joy! They have renewed their enthusiasm for the wedding and are now forcing Elijah and Leah to participate in some random tradition they have. It's something about putting a piece of paper on a ceremonial altar for three days and if nothing bad happens, the wedding can go ahead.

Okay, I've really got to go now! Bye!

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 27<strong>**th**** June**

**22:20**

**Home**

It's been a very busy few days and I am still struggling for breathing space. I feel kind of anxious right now, as Angelo is sleeping beside me. We already rowed once before about this diary and me not letting him read it so I'm nervous about getting caught out or something. It's weird, really. Not that long ago, I felt so independent and in control of my life. I mean, I know I made shitty decisions and a hell of a lot of mistake but at least they were _my _mistakes, you know? Now, it feels like everything I do and say, I have to check with Angelo first. And I don't know where that's come from. It's not normal, is it?

Anyway, this weekend was Ruby's 17th birthday, so I tried to make it as much about her as possible. I had planned on going shopping for her gift after work on Friday but Angelo was waiting for me in the car park, looking ever so sorry for himself. I tried to entice him out shopping with me but he wasn't interested and just wanted to go for a beer.

I stayed the night with him at his place and sneaked off on Saturday morning to buy Ruby's gifts. I'd already got a few of them. I tend to see things through the year that I think she'd like and save them up. But I was lacking a big gift this year and was running out of time to get it. I left Angelo sleeping so that I could shop and then got a bit of time at home.

My plan was to get my presents wrapped and maybe write in here a little bit but Angelo phoned in a panic, demanding to know where I was so I had to wrap in a hurry and go back round to see him.

I am hoping to get some proper time with Ruby next week though. I did see her for a bit last Tuesday and she was really down about being single again, especially as Xavier seems keen on this new girl, April. But I haven't been able to spend as much one to one time with her as I would have liked.

But anyway, I spent the rest of Saturday with Angelo and we stopped off at the Surf Club in the evening just to wish Ruby a happy birthday, where she was celebrating with her friends. Nicole and Romeo were there and so were Dex and Indi. I presume Nicole and Indi have buried the hatchet after all the upset they went through before as they looked pretty friendly. I guess it was too soon for Xavier to be able to attend the party though. He wasn't there.

I stayed the night at Angelo's apartment and we spent most of today together and met up with Ruby for lunch. I'd organised a bit of a thing for her in the Diner so it was her, Nicole, Romeo, Angelo, Irene, Leah, Elijah and I and we had cake and sang happy birthday and everything. It was really nice, actually. I'd got Ruby a stack of DVDs and books, as well as a flat screen TV for her room, some jewellery and I adopted a panda for her. She gets all cute every time the adverts are on so I thought she'd like it. And yay! She did.

Angelo wanted me to stay at his place again but I was desperate to be back in my own bed. The only way I could get round it was if I let him stay here. He had a bit too much beer tonight so he's pretty much passed out. I really hope they don't prosecute him for what happened with Hugo and that he'll be allowed to move on with his life. If he mopes for much longer, I might lose my patience. Gosh, that sunds terrible, doesn't it? I'm just not used to having someone in my space all the time. That's a bit part of why I didn't want us to move in together. I really don't want to end up in a situation where we're _practically _living together either. If he isn't going to be on the force anymore then he needs to find something to replace it sooner rather than later.

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Angelo hits a new low when Charlie is promoted to Sergeant in his place, Colleen is framed for theft and Alf is tormented by a ventriloquist dummy…<em>


	111. Chapter 111

_Sorry for disappearing. Last week's hospital stuff took more out of me than I expected it to and I'm still struggling with a lot of fatigue. But I should update tomorrow and depending how my Cancer Research Fundraising goes on Sunday, I might update then too. Otherwise, I'll be back on Monday. I hope you enjoy the chapter. Love, IJKS xxx_

**Chapter One Hundred and Eleven**

**Monday 28****th**** June**

**19:01**

**Home**

I managed to meet up with Ruby when she finished school. I only got an hour of her time but it was nice to catch up and be alone together. I was planning an evening by myself to try and relax and catch my breath a bit tonight but Angelo called just now and begged me to come over. Apparently, he's cooking or something.

I got the teenage gossip from Ruby today, amid wonderous chatter about how awesome her birthday weekend was. She couldn't stop thanking me for the gifts I got her so that was really nice.

But anyway, apparently Nicole is completely smitten with that Penn guy. He's staying at the caravan park and they've spent quite a bit of time together. She was even late for a Maths test or something because he persuaded her to have breakfast with him. And I gather that led to a brief fall out between her and Rubes but it's all sorted out now. She said that Nicole is trying to play things carefully as Miles gets bad vibes from him. He brought them to be Marilyn's first customers in her tarot reading business. And apparently, Marilyn was most confused by Penn's cards. They described him as perfect in every way. Surely that's not possible? Not unless you're Joey Collins, of course…

But anyway, Ruby also said that Romeo was pretty overjoyed that his Mum has so far quit drinking. But then he orchestrated John breaking up with her to get back with Gina and she started on the booze again and decided to leave town. Marilyn intervened on Friday and encouraged Jill to stick around and try to get some help and Ruby said that Romeo went to Irene for advice too.

On the plus side, Ruby thinks there could be a fledgling relationship between Romeo and Indigo Walker, although he is still pretty heartbroken over Annie. Maybe a new relationship could be the cure though. Ruby said that she and Dex started at Summer Bay High today. She hasn't spoken to them all that much but she thinks they are settling in well.

I heard today that John has gone so far as to ask Gina to move in with him in order to prove his commitment to her. I'm not entirely sure if I could cope if I was Gina, you know, with him hooking up with Jill when he hadn't made it clear where they stood with each other. But if they can make it work, it's a nice thing. I just hope their decision doesn't give Angelo any ideas. On the one hand, I doubt he'd dare bring such a thing up again. On the other, he knows that his current vulnerability is tugging at my heartstrings and making me agree to almost anything. So I hope he doesn't take advantage of that.

At home, Leah seems to be going out of her mind. This document on the fridge thing has been nagging at her all weekend and all of Lijuan's superstition is making her crazy. This of course prompted Leah and Elijah to start arguing and if I hadn't been on Angelo Duty, I would have found myself embroiled in the whole thing, I think. I'm not sure if my absence is a good thing or a bad thing…

When I chatted to her briefly today, Leah said that Lijuan had come to the Diner and told her that Elijah isn't husband material! How rude! He's a lovely guy who adores Leah. It's all these stupid 'omens' and stuff that are getting in the way.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 29<strong>**th**** June**

**19:10**

**Home**

This is just a quick entry before Angelo comes round. I stayed at his place last night and he did cook me a lovely meal but I am kind of longing for a night to myself where I can just veg out and not be anything to anybody. All we seem to talk about at the moment is all the pain he's in and I'm sympathetic but sometimes I need a break. But then, he doesn't get a break, does he? He talks about it all the time because he _thinks _about it all the time. Whatever is going on, it's a hell of a lot worse for him than it is for me. He put himself on the line so that I didn't get into any trouble for his mistake. I really ought to remember that when I'm whinging in here.

I gather that there was some sort of family argument today between Lijuan and Elijah today as he got really paranoid about what she might have said to Leah the night before. Apparently Lijuan said that she challenged Leah to defend their relationship and prove that they are meant to be together. Unfortunately, it only served to make Leah think that Lijuan wanted them to break up. Although, Leah did fight for Elijah, so I guess it did its job in its own way.

Anyway, I think it's all been sorted out now. Leah and Elijah have made up and Lijuan have assured them that they do not have to a slave to their superstitions. And they have now left the Bay and given the happy couple their blessing to get married. Hooray! That was like pulling teeth, that was!

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 30<strong>**th**** June**

**22:13**

**Home**

What a damn day! It's been so long and all I want to do is sleep but I wanted to write first. I'm on my own tonight and I would have been happy about it if it hadn't been for the fact that Angelo is at his place, passed out drunk, having been arrested (by me, I might add). Oh and he's failing to hide his anger that I've been promoted to Sergeant in his place. My how the tables have turned, hey?!

It all started this morning when Angelo had a meeting with his lawyer, trying to figure his way out of all the legal trouble he's in. Unfortunately, with everything that happened with Eaves, the Powers That Be are coming down seriously hard on corruption. It's a difficult one really because he did technically break the law. He shouldn't have allowed a fugitive to escape like that. But at the same time, I do understand why he did it.

He was told that he would remain suspended from work until everything was sorted but things weren't looking good for him. And I gather he started drowning his sorrows and complaining to Miles that he is tired of trying to prove he should be a cop. The less compassionate part of me suggests (not to him, of course) that perhaps he shouldn't be. I mean, I like working with him and obviously I like _him _but at the same time, he killed a man, he's not against cutting corners or bending the rules and he let a murderer run off into the sunset with his girlfriend. Those things aren't exactly in accordance with the oath you take when you qualify.

But then, who am I to say that? He told me tonight that I'm not a better cop than he is and he's probably right. I mean, I always try my best but I make mistakes too. Just looked at the blurred lines when it came to Joey. I still don't know if I took advantage of her or not. That plus the way I broke both our hearts makes me hate myself. So maybe Angelo is right and he's just as valid an officer as I am.

Anyway, somehow or other, he managed to strike a deal with the prosecution. If he agreed to resign from the police force for good then all charges would be dropped. Then I gather he made a rather drunken phone call to his lawyer to tell him he'd quit.

Now, this is the part that gets confusing. Somehow or other – presumably with a strong alcoholic influence – he ended up scaring poor Colleen half to death when she found him naked on the beach. He'd lit a fire and stripped so that he could burn his uniform. I get the symbolism but indecent exposure on top of everything else really wasn't his smartest move!

Colleen called the police to tell us what had happened so I had to go down there with Avery to go and sort it out. To say I was mortified would be a very big understatement. Well, you don't expect to find your boyfriend naked in public, do you? Not to mention absolutely wasted and largely incoherent. It was then that he started ranting about being as valid an officer as me and all that stuff.

When Avery tried to help him up, Angelo punched him, so I had to take him to the police station. We had no choice but to put him in a cell while we tried to sober him up – and hide his modesty! Avery gave him the civvies he was going to change into after his shift, which was kind, especially considering the black eye he is likely to be sporting tomorrow.

Once he was a little more coherent, we took him back to his place and plopped him on the couch with a sick bucket. He cried when I tried to leave but passed out before he could put up too much of a fight.

Oh, and somewhere in the midst of all this, the investigation on the station was called off and I was promoted to Sergeant in Angelo's place! Normally, I would be thrilled but Angelo heard and was furious about it.

So, despite my personal good news, this is very much a day I'd like to forget! It was hard enough when he was promoted over me for doing a good job but for me to be promoted over him because he did a _bad _job just doesn't feel good right now.

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 1<strong>**st**** July 2010**

**21:10**

**Home**

Was it really only a few days ago that I was complaining about Angelo crowding me? Well, now he seems to be avoiding me. I think it might have something to do with being made Sergeant and after the incident on the beach, his depression is just getting worse. He hasn't shaved, he's monosyllabic and it seems like he feels he has nothing left to live for. I don't really know what to do to help him. Every time I open my mouth, I just seem to make things worse.

Alf offered him the job of managing the bait shop today but he wasn't all that keen. On the one hand, I do understand that going from Sergeant of a police station to selling old men fishing gear is a bit of a step down. But on the other, at least it's a job. It's something to fill his time and pay the bills, even if he just uses it as a stopgap. And it was kind of Alf to give him the opportunity. After everything that's happened, he might well find it difficult to catch a break and have someone believe in him. I think he should go for it. It annoys me a little bit that he thinks he's too good for a job like that. Maybe that's because I could see Joey enjoying that kind of role. And if it's good enough for her, it should be good enough for anybody.

I asked if he'd like to do something together tonight but he wasn't interested so I have finally had that peaceful night on my own that I've been craving. I should be grateful but I mostly feel rejected! I guess there really is no pleasing some people! Especially me!

Anyway, it's been nice to just sit and chat with Leah for a bit. Elijah was at some parish meeting for most of the evening so we got some alone time. She's a lot more chilled out now that Lijuan and Song have left and she's back to being on cloud nine with her relationship. She was really lovely about all my Angelo woes. It was good to get it all off my chest.

In other news, it looks like Jill has shot through and left town. Apparently she didn't even say goodbye to poor Romeo. She just left a note. I can't help but feel sorry for the kid. His life seems to involve a lot of loss – Mink, Annie, Jill… I hope he finds some happiness soon. He's a good kid and he deserves it. I _almost _wish that Ruby was interested in him. He seems like suitable boyfriend material and I think she would be safe with him. Plus, anything to push Liam Murphy out of her mind scores points with me! I'm still very worried about that situation.

Nicole seems to be completely smitten with this Penn guy. I've still only seen him in passing but Leah thinks he's one of the most charming men she's ever met, although Miles still isn't keen. Apparently Penn and Nicole are actually seeing each other now though. I just hope he's a good guy and he isn't going to hurt her like all the other boys have… Elliot, Geoff, Liam, Aden… She hasn't had the best of luck.

And for some reason, Colleen is being overly nice to Marilyn. She couldn't have done a bigger turnaround if she'd tried! One minute she's writing to the newspaper condemning the woman as if she's put a curse on the Bay or something and the next, she can't do enough for her. Everyone is finding it very strange. It's not as if they just fell out over this tarot business either. They couldn't stand each other even before all of that. Even before the whole miscommunication about Alf. Colleen is always crowing about what happened between Marilyn and 'her Lancey', whoever he is. I mean, I gather he's her son but I've never met him. I don't know anything about him except that things went awry between him and Marilyn!

I heard the weirdest conversation today. Apparently Marilyn brought home a ventriloquist dummy called Mr Oddly and he's reigning chaos all over the house! Alf completely freaked out when he saw him and then he went missing over night – the dummy, not Alf. Then he showed up again, as if by magic in the morning, which freaked Alf out more, especially as he found footprints by the door, as if the thing walked back himself.

Oh, and Gina turned John's moving invitation down but then asked him to move in with _her_. He's agreed and I hear that they're both going strong. I dread to think what Xavier will say though. He's hardly John's number one fan so having him play step-father to him probably won't go down all that well, I imagine.

Hang on, Ruby's phoning.

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 2<strong>**nd**** July**

**22:01**

**Home**

I haven't seen anything of Angelo today. He's completely withdrawn from everyone, including me. He said that he didn't want me to stay over because I'm on an early shift tomorrow and vaguely agreed to see me in the evening but whether that will happen or not, I don't know.

On the plus side, I did get to spend this evening with Ruby. She called last night to ask if I wanted to go to dinner, which of course, I did. I'm grateful for any chance I get to spend time with my daughter. I just wish I could live with her again. I hate that she lives with Irene. I know she's taking good care of her but I do believe that a child belongs with her mother, even if that mother is a waste of space like me.

She was a little wounded to hear that Xavier and April are now an item. But he isn't really doing anything wrong. I mean, they broke up because she liked Liam so she can't really object, I don't think. But still, your head and your heart don't always follow the rules, do they?

Anyway, she's in really good spirits at the moment as Liam has booked them a recording session to 'lay down some tracks'. She's really excited about it and I am pretty proud that she's been noticed like this. I do hope she can make a genuine career out of her singing. She does have a lovely voice.

I gather that Tony and Sid have ambushed Rachel to try and win her over about these boxing classes that are due to start tomorrow. I don't see the problem with it really, as long as it's safe and more about the sport and the skill than violence.

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 3<strong>**rd**** July**

**16:30**

**Home**

I've been working for most of the day and then I'm heading round to Angelo's tonight. He said he's going to cook but I can imagine us just getting takeout or something. I just hope he's dressed today. He's so down. I'm really worried about him.

But the big news of today really, is that I've had to arrest Colleen for theft. I know! I still can't believe it myself. And if I'd had any choice in the matter then I never would have done it. She might be a judgemental gossip but Colleen is a sweet and lovely woman and there's no way she would steal from people. The only way I can see her being the culprit is if she suddenly developed some mental health problems or something and she hadn't realised she'd done it.

She was naturally very shaken about the whole thing and I felt desperately sorry for her. From what I gather so far, some things have been going missing from the caravan park, including wallets and iPods and things. Colleen then found all the items in her mobile home. We were called and found her looking utterly bewildered.

She was so upset when she had to wait in a cell that she didn't even use her one phone call to get help from Alf or someone. I was half tempted to call him myself because I felt so sorry for her but I figured that it might upset her so I left it alone. I really hope we can wrap the case up and drop the charges as soon as possible. The idea of Colleen as a theif is ridiculous but obviously that isn't going to stand up in court. Unfortunately, I have to follow the correct procedures. I know from Angelo exactly what happens to you when you bend the rules. I adore Colleen but I'm not about to risk myself for her. Rules aren't there for fun, they're there for structure and it's important to respect them, even if you don't like them very much.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 4<strong>**th**** July**

**20:09**

**Home**

It's been an okay day today. I spent a lot of time with Angelo and I think we might have got somewhere with pulling him out of his depression. I encouraged him to write down all the ambitions he had as a kid. It was kind of like pulling teeth to make him do it but I think we've actually started to get somewhere.

Marilyn found the list and was very encouraging about it and thinks that Angelo should try and achieve his dream of opening a restaurant. To be honest, it's all a bit random to me. Obviously I knew Angelo had Italian heritage, but it's never really been acknowledged until now. It's kind of like he suddenly remembered today. And I certainly had no idea that he comes from a family who run an Italian restaurant. It's all news to me but he got quite excited about it.

As far as I'm concerned, random or not, anything that will get him out of this slump is a good idea to me. I'm really struggling with this 'pull me close', 'push me away' kind of thing that's going on right now. But I guess a lot of it is my fault. I'm not exactly the greatest girlfriend in the world.

I've tried to be really careful not to talk too much about work. But it's hard because I'm so excited about and enjoying being Sergeant. I really hope that I can take my Detective exam at some point soon, preferably while my Dad is with it enough to be proud of me.

I worked as hard as I could on Colleen's case today but it hasn't really got us anywhere. I've promised Alf that I will look out for her as best I can in the lead up to the trial but she's obviously really struggling. She refused to work at the Diner because she couldn't cope with everyone talking about her. Alf thinks that someone might have set her up and I have to agree it's an option. It just doesn't seem right that she would do something like that.

Other news around the Bay consists of Nicole being completely smitten with Penn, Alf continuing to be haunted by Mr Oddly (yes, the doll), Tony enjoying a good turn out for his boxing class, the Council deciding to save the Surf Club from its financial problems by renting out the room upstairs and charging rent and Xavier struggling to accept John and Gina and refusing to make up with Romeo.

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Charlie gets to know Watson better, Angelo wants to open up a restaurant and Romeo is wary of Penn…<em>


	112. Chapter 112

_Sorry I didn't manage to update yesterday. I did start editing the chapter but I ran out of time. Look out for the Joey cameo! I know this one doesn't have her in it anymore because it follows Charlie's path on the actual show but trust me, she'll never forget her. Love, IJKS xxx_

**Chapter One Hundred and Twelve**

**Monday 5****th**** July**

**22:22**

**Angelo's Apartment**

This is going to sound really stupid but I feel like I'm taking a big risk by writing in here while I'm staying at Angelo's place. I seem to have this horrible feeling that he's going to try and read it or something. This diary is my sole confidant. I'd write anything in here and I'd write from my heart. I don't really want to share that with anyone.

He's asleep at the moment but I was feeling a little restless after were… together – for the first time in weeks, actually. He seems to have got his focus back, which I'm really glad about. I hope this will be a turning point for him so that he can start again.

Encouraged by Marilyn, he proposed a restaurant business idea to Alf. Apparently he has experience from helping his parents out and has always wanted to run a restaurant of his own. He thinks he can use his savings to start it up and has already scored a bank loan to cover the extra costs. And it will fit in nicely with the Council refurbishing the Surf Club.

They're under strain from a new gym that's opened in town and stolen a lot of their customers, so they want to rent out the empty space upstairs to get some income and expand the businesses under that one roof.

It sounds like quite a good idea, really, although I can't help but feel that Angelo has plucked it out of nowhere. There are a lot of holes in the plan but I'm going to be as supportive as I possibly can. That's what good girlfriends do.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 6<strong>**th**** July**

**17:03**

**Home**

Today has been a pretty positive day. I worked for most of it and I feel like I am really starting to settle into my role as Sergeant. I seem to have the respect of everyone in the station and I am partciualrly enjoying working more closely with Watson. I asked if she'd like to do something sometime, like as a friendship thing and she seemed keen so I hope we can arrange something. She's such a nice person.

It helps that Angelo is in a really good place at the moment. I'm finding more and more that my moods a pretty dependent on his. I'm not sure if that's a natural relationship things and shows how much we care about each other or if it's unhealthy. I'm hoping it's the former but I'm finding little traits in myself that I'm not all that comfortable with.

I kind of feel like his inferior, which is kind of ironic, considering that I just took over his role at work when he was forced to leave. But it's like I need him to validate my opinions or something and I'm always seeking his approval. That's not right, is it? But he has noticed it as well, I think. But he doesn't object and actually seems to kind of enjoy it.

Anyway, I'm heading over there to see him tonight and we're going to discuss the restaurant plans at length. The Surf Club committee seem pretty keen for him to get going as soon as possible so hopefully it will all work out pretty quickly.

In non-Angelo related news, Colleen is having a really hard time of things lately. She might be a busybody but she's a kind woman and I feel so sorry for her. Apparently she rushed out of the Diner in a state yesterday, thinking that everyone was talking about her.

I briefly saw Ruby today as well at lunch time. We're hoping to catch up properly soon but she says that I need to focus on Angelo at the moment. But anyway, she gave April and Xavier her blessing or something so it looks like they're a proper couple now. I really hope that Ruby gets over this Liam thing and finds a nice boy who will treat her well. I want her to be happy. And I wish I could be too.

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 8<strong>**th**** July**

**23:19**

**Home**

I've just got back from having a drink with Watson and I had a really good time. I don't know why I haven't socialised with her enough before. But I hope it's the first night of many. It's lovely to see her outside of work and chat properly and I learned so many things about her that I wasn't aware of before.

For example, she's bisexual and thought I was really brave for coming out as dating Joey when I did. I unfortunately had to inform her that there was nothing brave about it and my reaction to people knowing about us was the worst mistake I ever made.

We actually talked about Joey a fair bit and she was complimentary about how I helped her through the rape and everything. She was sweet enough to try and reassure me when I expressed my sadness over letting her down.

We chatted a little about Angelo, who I gather has spent the last two days planning this restaurant thing he wants to start. Okay, that didn't sound very supportive, did it? I am supportive. I'm being a good girlfriend. I'm happy. I certainly didn't relish talking about how amazing Joey was and feel less enthused about Angelo and his new business venture.

Anyway, Watson is bi and she's had a few girlfriends and a few boyfriends but nothing very serious. She asked that I didn't tell anyone at work about her because she was keen to keep her private life private. I understand that. And I gave her my word.

I miss Joey so much. Where did that come from?!

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 9<strong>**th**** July**

**02:12**

**Home**

I think I might have done something stupid and I feel really bad about it. I try not to text Joey too much. I don't want to bug her. If she wanted to hear from me, she would have come back, right? But she didn't. She doesn't love me or want me anymore. I shouldn't bother her but sometimes, I miss her so much that I just can't help it.

Anyway, I basically told her that she was still all I could think about and I missed her with every breath. Understandably, she hasn't replied. To be honest, I wouldn't be surprised if she never got in touch again. She's happy and in love with someone new, someone who'll actually treat her right. I owe her more than to try and interfere with that. What was I thinking? I'm never drinking again, that's for sure.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 11<strong>**th**** July**

**21:13**

**Home**

It's been a pretty chilled weekend, all in all. Angelo was so consumed with his restaurant plans that I was able to escape to the city with Ruby and visit Dad and Morag. Dad's memory is rapidly deteriorating and it becomes even more heartbreaking every time we see him. But he's in good spirits and he's being looked after well.

It was nice to get to spend time with Ruby and we had a real laugh on the way there and back. We chatted about all sorts and sang along to the radio. As usual, she was full of news about her friends.

It seems like Nicole is particularly keen on Penn. I gather that there was some chat about her still liking Penn or something but between Indi and Romeo, they managed to confirm that all of that was in the past. But people certainly have concerns.

I gather that Romeo saw Penn seriously flirting with some girl on the beach on Friday and spent most of the day panicking and trying to figure out whether to tell Nicole or not. When she picked up on the tension between Romeo and Penn, he told her about what he saw. Ruby said that she seemed to take it all very well and still claims they are seeing each other, rather than full on dating.

Whether Romeo is right about him or not, a lot of us are feeling pretty grateful to him at the moment. Poor Colleen has been in a right state about this whole theft thing, to the point that she wouldn't work at the Diner anymore. She forbade Alf to tell Morag what was going and if the charges hadn't been dropped before I left to visit, I am not sure I would have been able to hold my tongue.

But when Romeo caught Penn talking to some other girl at the caravan park, he confronted him, only to discover that she was a backpacker and they had been discussing the theft situation. It turns out that Penn has been convincing everyone to change their story so that we can drop the charges against Colleen. So yes, whether he's a love rat or not, he's done a good thing by helping Colleen. I hated having to charge her.

Also, it sounds like Romeo and Indi are getting pretty close and spending a lot of time together. Well, there goes my hope that Ruby will end up with a nice boy like Romeo! Dex seems pretty sweet though… But anyway, the less time my girl spends with boys – even nice boys – the happier I am!

Dad, Morag, Ruby and I spent a lot of time together and it was really nice to see them. And on Saturday night, Joey replied to my foolish text message. She told me that she still thinks of me often and misses me but she thinks our time has passed. I hate thinking of it like that but I know she's right. She's dating someone new now and she seems to be happy. I think she had a lucky escape with me, whereas I, on the other hand, know I really missed out on a chance to be with someone amazing.

Don't get me wrong, I do care about Angelo. And I really, really want to love him. But there's just something missing. I don't even know if it's him that's the problem. In fact, I'm pretty sure it's me. He could be perfect in every way and he would still never measure up to Joey. That's the sad truth of it. Whereas she has obviously found someone she loves more than me, I haven't been able to do the same.

Speaking of Angelo, the Surf Club is now closed to refurbishment so it looks like this restaurant plan might be starting pretty soon. I really hope it goes well for him. The last thing the poor guy needs is for something else to go wrong.

It was difficult to say goodbye to Dad and Morag but I am hoping that Ruby and I will get to visit again soon. I really wished they lived closer. I know it would be more responsibility on mine and Ruby's parts but now that I have a good relationship with my Dad, I'm longing to hold onto it for as long as I can.

VJ was full of beans when I arrived home tonight. He's really excited about Elijah doing this careers talk for school (once he had accepted that being a minister was definitely a job). They had a bit of a struggle on Wednesday when Elijah suggested he could be VJ's step-dad. But it turns out that they were panicking about the wrong thing when VJ got upset. He went back and told Elijah that he wanted him to be his real dad and not refer to himself a 'step'. How cute is that? And, just as cute, Leah said that Elijah is getting all flustered and thinking of taking parenting courses or something!

And I gather that things got pretty interesting at the hospital this week. The nurses waged some sort of war against Sid, who bedded and dumped a lot of them when he lived here the first time! Apparently, one woman threw her hot coffee all over him. And then the next day, every nurse refused, point blank to work with him and would only communicate through Rachel.

I guess it might be amusing if the patients hadn't been suffering for their spite. And one patient really did suffer. A pregnant woman haemorrhaged but Sid couldn't find any nurses to help him save her. He eventually found Rachel but the patient died and then the poor guy had to break the news to her devastated husband. It must have been awful.

On the plus side, it seemed to have made the nurses realised that while they're at work, they have to grow up, be professional and do their fucking jobs. Letting 'office politics' get in the way is stupid and in their line of work, it's dangerous. Hopefully this will be the last time they'll behave like that.

But I did hear on the grapevine that there might have been some sparks between Sid and Marilyn, which could be interesting.

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Charlie and Angelo fall out over the restaurant, Ruby kisses Xavier and Bianca Scott arrives in Summer Bay…<em>


	113. Chapter 113

**Chapter One Hundred and Thirteen**

**Monday 12****th**** July**

**22:13**

**Home**

I had a really good evening this evening. Liam and Ruby had their recording session and they were so excited about it that Ruby asked if Angelo and I would like to do something tonight.

It wasn't very easy to convince Angelo to take a break from planning the restaurant but I managed and the four of us had a great time. It did feel a little bit weird at first, as I don't know Liam that well and it almost felt like a double date. That's weird because a) Ruby is my daughter and b) Liam cannot and will not EVER be her boyfriend! The phrase 'over my dead body' most definitely springs to mind here.

Ruby seemed a little disheartened to hear that there is a new 'infuriating blonde' in town. Apparently she rocked up today on a motorbike in formal wear. Nobody quite knows who she is, where she's from or who she belongs to but it's obvious that Liam thinks she's hot.

When we got back here, we learned that poor Elijha's career day talk had been bumped to accommodate a fireman. He and Leah spent the evening brainstorming about the most interesting stories Elijah can share for the talk. I'm not sure why exactly, but Leah seemed in a bit of a weird mood when we came home. I hope she's okay.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 13<strong>**th**** July**

**20:01**

**Home**

I have the evening to myself this evening and I'm quite excited about it. Ruby and Angelo are both off being busy and Leah has gone out to dinner with Elijah so I'm babysitting. With VJ in bed, I'm stretched out on the couch with a rom-com and a nice hot chocolate. I would like a glass of wine and it's right there in the fridge but I don't think that would be very responsible!

I found out why Leah was in such a withdrawn mood last night. While she and Elijah were brainstorming ideas for stories to tell at the school talk, she started panicking that he will get bored of Summer Bay soon and want to leave. He has assured her that it won't happen but it's clearly still playing on her mind. I hope her fears are unfounded. I want so much to see my friend happy, especially as they won't be kicking me out of the house when they get hitched!

Apparently Alf is still being haunted by that dummy, Mr Oddly. I got chatting to Miles about it and it seems like they're messing with him. He found the thing in the fridge this morning and he's ever so flustered at the lack of support from Marilyn, Miles, Romeo and Nicole. Charming people! I heard that he showed up in the bait shop as well, leading to some sort of argument between Alf and Marilyn. I'm really not sure I understand this story!

He was also telling me that he thinks there could be some romance between Romeo and Indi. It's quite the discussion point around the Bay at the moment, although I don't think either of them have realised it yet. I wonder if they even realise they like each other!

Another point of discussion is that Sid apparently had a one night stand with one of the nurses that gave him a hard time the other day. She clearly made sure she forgave him properly! I thought he and Marilyn liked each other. I really hope she doesn't get hurt. She's such a nice woman and let's face it, he is a womaniser.

Oh, and Colleen finally came back to the Diner but… wait for it… in disguise. I do feel sorry for her, of course I do. I hated arresting her as much as I hated having to arrest Angelo last year over Jack's death. But she is clearly milking it now. We've dropped the charges. There's nothing to hide from now. She did make sure that she thanked Penn for helping her though. Miles is still very unsure of him but he seems okay to me. I haven't really had that much to do with him though, I must admit.

I very briefly caught up with Ruby today and she said that things seem to be going well between him and Nicole. She even confronted him about Romeo's suspicions and he told her that she only has eyes for her. But he was pleased she was jealous too.

Ruby, on the other hand, seems kind of down about the music stuff with Liam. I didn't get the chance to really ask her about it but it was a shock after how excited she was about it all yesterday. I hope there isn't a serious problem there.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 14<strong>**th**** July**

**23:13**

**Home**

Ruby is spending the night here, having had an upsetting day. She turned to Irene about it first and said they had a chat on the beach, which helped. But at the risk of sounding absolutely pathetic, I am so happy she turned to me – even if it was only second. I miss the days when I was her first port of call but I live in hope that one day, we can get that back. I so long to be her mother for real.

She says that she is feeling really down about her music career with Liam. He seems to be involved in his own life now and not recording with her. It has not escaped my notice that this upset coincides with the arrival of a woman I am told is very, very beautiful, witty and charming. Ruby seems to think her name is 'horrible Bianca'. I have to admit I'm rather intrigued!

Apparently this evening, she was in the Diner with him when 'horrible Bianca', Xavier and April arrived and asked them to join their table. She felt really uncomfortable with Xavier and April being an item now and 'horrible Bianca' flirting shamelessly with Liam, because it made her feel like a spare part. And then when she got up to leave, she ran straight into Irene and ended up wearing a milkshake.

She told me she feels like everyone is in a romantic state except her. Leah has Elijah, I have Angelo, Xavier has April and it looks like Romeo and Indi, Marilyn and Sid and Liam and Bianca are all going to hook up at some point in the near future. And Ruby doesn't have anyone. I feel really sad for her. I don't think being single is a bad thing but I guess it is if you don't _want _to be single. I'm probably not helping by pretending to be love's young dream with Angelo. I really wish it was real.

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 15<strong>**th**** July**

**22:01**

**Home**

Today didn't go so well for anybody by the sounds of it. Angelo and I sort of fell out, although I am hoping it's not too serious. All I want for us right now is to just get along and stop being so turbulent with each other at the moment. But he's busting a gut to try and get the restaurant ready in time for the grand opening and I foolishly and perhaps tactlessly admitted that I'm not convinced he can pull it off. Maybe I shouldn't have opened my mouth but I wasn't intending to criticise. I'm just concerned. He's been through so much recently and the last thing he needs is another bitter disappointment. I just don't want him to get hurt.

Ruby meanwhile, made a spontaneous mistake that she is bound to regret. She kissed Xavier, even though he is seeing that April girl. I don't know what Xavier's going to do about it but she said that he was pretty strung out, which she also thinks that he must really care about his new girlfriend. She didn't exactly say what prompted it, only that he was 'winding her up about Liam'. I presume that he knows what the rest of us know but isn't prepared to ignore it. I guess that's why they broke up in the first place really. I so desperately hope that she can turn things around again. If anyone can do that, it's my baby girl.

And Leah has got it into her head that the more she hears about Elijah's life as a missionary for his school talk with VJ, the more she is beginning to panic that he is soon going to get bored of Summer Bay and want to leave. He keeps assuring her that he is happy and I know she is happy with him. Every time she's with him, she seems to be on cloud nine. I just hope she doesn't follow her housemate's example and panic the shit out of the relationship! That's what I did with Joey and look where that got me.

Ooh, I did hear of two people that _did _have a good day today – and a good night last night as well! Marilyn and Sid, sitting in a tree… you know how the rest of the song goes!

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 15<strong>**th**** July**

**22:32**

**Home**

Just to clarify, they're not pregnant or anything.

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 16<strong>**th**** July**

**21:02**

**Home**

What a crappy day! For starters, things are still not great between Angelo and I. I don't like to use the word 'sulking' but he bloody SULKING about my apparent lack of faith in him. And that means that he didn't actually listen to a word I said. I wasn't criticising him; I just think that he's taking on a job too big for the timescale. And I think it would be too big a job for anyone, not just him. I pandered to him and insisted that I believed in him but it didn't really work.

He finally realised (at least temporarily) that he won't be able to open the restaurant in time and immediately accused me of being ready to gloat about being right. I didn't. I didn't even do the 'I told you so' dance from _Will and Grace _that always amuses me so much! Instead, I comforted him and suggested gently that it wouldn't be the end of the world to pay the fine and open when he was ready. However, he wouldn't listen and stropped off, claiming that he needed space.

We have made up now but I got yanked back to work when some bastard broke the window of my patrol car and set fire to it! How fucked up is that? They lit what I just about recognised as being a pile of Tony's boxing class leaflets but it's burnt out most of the car. I had to extract myself from Angelo, which was a shame because he was in a good mood for the first time in days. And I'll be at work pretty early in the morning to try and get this latest event sorted out.

Oh, and it looks like things are going pretty badly for Leah and Elijah at the moment. I spared bit of my break today with Colleen, trying to convince Leah that Elijah loves her and won't be planning on walking out on her. She's really got herself bent out of shape about all of this and has convinced herself that he is going to get bored of Summer Bay very quickly and that she won't be enough to keep him here.

It didn't help that later, she found a letter from a voluntary agency addressed to Elijah. She confronted him immediately but although he assured her that he wasn't planning on going anywhere, he did make it clear that his heart does still lie with missionary work. He told her that he wanted the agency to know that he was available. I don't think he solved the problem.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 18<strong>**th**** July**

**12:43**

**The Beach**

Things a pretty tense at home at the moment so I was actually relieved to spend the night at Angelo's last night. I mean, not that I don't look forward to spending time with him or anything. But… well, yeah, it was nice to escape home.

Leah and Elijah are not getting along even a little bit. Apparently he is now planning on going overseas for a few months, just like that. I mean, I'm all for independent partners who don't need to spend every single second together but that's kind of ridiculous. They're about to get married and suddenly he wants things to be long distance? I'm totally on Leah's side.

But anyway, I had a nice enough evening with Angelo. He took me through every inch of his plans for the restaurant, which he is naming after himself. It doesn't surprise me! I care about him and I accept that the plan is to spend our lives together now, but I'm not blind to his faults. He is still the most self obsessed person I have ever met! But hey, that's what I took on, I guess.

He was full of praise for Penn who has been helping him set up and full of news about Alf and that silly ventriloquist dummy. Apprently he (Alf, not the dummy) and Miles are at war about it and one keeps thinking the other is planting the stupid thing in various locations. I really have no idea what's going on in that house!

This afternoon, I get to spend some time with Ruby, which I am really looking forward to. I feel like we're getting things back on track and getting closer each day. It still kills me that she won't move back in but it helps that she isn't completely against the idea. I live in hope that she'll decide she wants us to be a proper family one day. And it's that hope that keeps me going. I so long to be her mother.

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Charlie and Ruby visit Ross and Morag, Elijah feels called to help after an earthquake in West Danmar and a friend tempts Rachel to move to America…<em>


	114. Chapter 114

**Chapter One Hundred and Fourteen**

**Monday 19****th**** July**

**19:09**

**Home**

It seems like there are a lot of changes going on in Summer Bay right now. I've just been promoted to Sergeant of the station, Angelo is starting his restaurant and now it looks like Elijah, Rachel and Tony could be leaving town any minute.

Leah is in a pretty bad way, understandably. She's really hurt that Elijah is planning to leave to do missionary work for a few months and obviously, she doesn't want him to go. They keep arguing with each other and the home situation is pretty awkward. It's like when you're a kid and you're hiding in your room because your parents are fighting! And worse than that, Elijah has now suggested that they're rushing into marriage after all and has put the engagement on hold. They seemed so perfect together but I can't help but think this could be the beginning of the end. I can't really see a way back from this. If you're going to marry someone then you both really need to be sure, don't you?

Personally, I can't imagine getting married. I can't imagine feeling that strongly or that certainly about someone. Well, I can, but she's not around anymore. For a while there, with Joey, I could actually picture living in a happy bubble. I could imagine moving in together (like, into our own place, not just here with Leah) and although we couldn't have legally got married, we could have had some sort of blessing or something. Like a commitment ceremony type of thing. And I also wondered if we'd have kids one day. But that's all gone now. And I wouldn't even entertain the thought of doing such a thing with Angelo. That sounds really harsh, doesn't it? It's not that he's not a nice guy. I really care about him. But I just don't feel… Put it this way, he may be the person I end up spending the rest of my life with. But he will never be my soul mate.

Anyway, some old friend of Rachel's has shown up in the Bay. His name is Daniel and I heard on the grapevine, which of course started with Colleen that he's got some sort of job off for her out of town. I wonder how far it will be and if she'll take it. I think it will be hard for them to relocate. Tony has only just kick started his life again. Every time I see him, he's so excited about these boxing classes he's running. It would be a shame to have done all that work only to leave it all behind.

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 23<strong>**rd**** July**

**21:57**

**Dad and Morag's House**

Ruby and I have come to the city for an impromptu visit to Dad and Morag. I realised that I had a rare weekend off work and so wanted to take the opportunity to come and see them. And what's really great is that because it's the weekend, Ruby can come with me. We invited Angelo but he isn't able to think about anything but the restaurant so he declined without even pretending to consider it. On the one hand, I'm pleased to have a nice weekend with my family and on the other, it would be nice to get a bit of attention from him from time to time.

Things are increasingly stressful at home between Leah and Elijah as he's digging his heels in about the missionary work and she doesn't want him to go. It's quite nice to leave all of that behind and come into a more tranquil house. Even with Dad's obvious suffering right now, he and Morag seem to be so happy. If my poor father has to live out the rest of his days with so much confusion, I'm glad it's with Morag. At least I can rest assured that he is being loved and cared for. I know we didn't hit it off immediately but I do love Morag very much. I should probably let her know…

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 25<strong>**th**** July**

**20:45**

**Home**

It has been a truly wonderful weekend and I'm actually quite sad to be home. Ruby and I had a lovely time with Dad and Morag and also with each other. I feel closer to her than I have in a while and I really hope that that's just the start of reaffirming the bond between us. There is nothing I wouldn't do for that girl and I hope she knows that. I hope she knows how much I love her.

I actually did tell Morag that I loved her yesterday. Once Dad and Ruby had gone to bed, we ended up have a deep and meaningful over a bottle of wine. I told her how happy I was that Dad had her and how much it meant to me that she gave me so much help and support during the whole Grant saga last year. She really is an amazing woman and I'm glad I had the chance to tell her that. We haven't had the closest of relationships and we certainly got off to a rocky start but she means the world to me.

In other news, there's been a huge earthquake in West Danmar. It's been all over the TV and papers and there seems to be a lot of destruction and suffering. I'm sure someone will be doing some sort of fundraising appeal so I will make sure I donate. It's terrible.

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Charlie worries about Ruby, meets Bianca and misses Joey, Angelo's restaurant opens and Elijah leaves for Africa…<em>


	115. Chapter 115

_Sorry for the lack of update yesterday. The day kind of got away from me! I hope you enjoy the chapter. Love, IJKS xxx_

**Chapter One Hundred and Fifteen**

**Monday 26****th**** July**

**22:55**

**Home**

Elijah moved out and back into the caravan park today. Poor Leah is absolutely devastated. I came home to find VJ trying to comfort her as she cried. I cooked dinner and dished out ice cream for the three of us for dessert. Then after VJ went to bed, Leah and I dissected every inch of her relationship woes.

I feel so sorry for both of them and I don't really understand where the problem has come from. I do understand that he feels called to missionary work, the same way I feel called to serve the community and fight crime. What I don't get is that if he _knew _that about himself, then why didn't he say anything? Why did he propse to Leah so many times and make her think that they were settling down together in the same place? That just doesn't strike me as very fair. I couldn't give up my work for a guy or a girl but I would always make that clear from the start in any relationship. I wouldn't surprise someone with it later.

He's said that he has to go out and deal with the aid after the earthquake but that he will return in a few months and he and Leah can still get married. Unfortunately, she doesn't view the situation the same way he does and has ended their relationship. She says she doesn't want to spend months on end, longing for her husband to come home. They're going in different directions. It's sad but it's true. I'm not sure there can be a way back after this.

In better news… sort of… maybe… Marilyn and Sid have gone out on a date tonight. It's nice that Marilyn is so happy but knowing Sid by reputation, everyone else is a little panicked that she is going to get used and abused. I don't even know the woman and I'd hate to see her hurt. She's so sweet and gentle and has such a sunny disposition. I really hope this doesn't go wrong.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 27<strong>**th**** July**

**16:08**

**The Beach**

On this day last year, Joey was meant to come home so she and I could try again to make our relationship work. But she didn't. She wrote to me to tell me that she couldn't come back to me. And although I don't blame her for staying as far away from me as possible, I miss her still with every beat of my heart.

That's why I was feeling pretty melancholy all day and I really had to stop myself from texting her. I wonder if she even remembers the significance of the day. I gather that she's happy in her new relationship and her new life. I don't even know if she thinks of me anymore, except when I can't keep control and refrain from contacting her.

I busied myself with Angelo and the restaurant a lot today and that was a fairly good distraction. I'm meant to be spending the night with him at his place tonight. To be honest, I don't really want to. The pathetic part of me just wants to go home and become maudling over my lost love. But I don't think that would go down too well with my boyfriend, would it?

He might not even notice, to be honest. He's so excited about the restaurant that he's putting absolutely everything he has into it. I'm glad that he's not feeling low anymore about not being a cop. It's good for him to have a project to keep him busy.

He really has to speed up though. Even Alf has started nagging him about his opening night. He can't get an extension and if he's delayed then he's likely to incur a fine from the Surf Club Committee. I'm worried but I'm trying to be optimistic. A fine and a black mark against his name really isn't going to be a good start to this venture. And in an even worse case scenario, they might close the contract completely and move some other business in. I can't even bring myself to imagine what Angelo's reaction to that would be!

He recruited Romeo to help him out with the finishing touches and he's pretty confident that when the rest of the town realise the crisis, they will all pitch in to help him make it all a success. I hope he's right. I'm taking a break between work and Angelo to gather my thoughts so I guess when I finally drag myself into the 'restaurant', I'll find out who has been helping him and how.

He has booked Liam and Ruby to perform together for the restaurant opening, which is pretty cool. Ruby is really excited about it, although I know she is very nervous as well. She hasn't been in a great mood today really. She hasn't openly admitted it but I think it has a lot to do with Liam's attraction to that Bianca woman, who I have yet to meet. Apparently she and her sister, April, have been thrown out of their apartment and they're moving in with Gina, John and Xavier. I gather it's on the promise that Xavier won't be horrible to John for two whole months. And pigs might fly…

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 28<strong>**th**** July**

**22:22**

**Home**

We all did our best to help Angelo get the restaurant ready in time for opening night, yesterday. Liam, Bianca, Romeo, Indi, Ruby, Xavier, April, Dex, Sid and Marilyn all helped out – and me of course. The workmen had cancelled on Angelo at the last minute so it was case of all hands on deck. I don't like to criticise but I can't say he came across as very grateful. We all went out of our way to help him but I guess he was just too consumed with all the stress he's under. Penn and Nicole also came to help out and there seems to be some sort of situation between them and Sid and Marilyn. I'm not really sure what's going on though. But I did hear that Marilyn has some sort of secret admirer who sent her flowers yesterday morning.

I arrived there after work, having stopped for a bit on the beach to write in here. I then brought the news to Angelo that there was no evidence on the burnt out car so there is likely to be no prosecution against him for Hugo's escape. That's a real relief.

He opened up to me last night about the pressure he is feeling about making a success of the restaurant He doesn't have a great history with his own family restaurant business. And now he says he's worried that if he screws things up, it will taint his family name. I'm sure it will be okay though. And he said something about his brother, Paulie – someone else I have never heard of. But he was kind of vague so I don't really understand what he's talking about! I'm sure if it matters he'll tell me again.

My biggest contribution of the day was to suggest a trial opening night, where friends and family will be exclusively invited. That way, we can practice before the real thing. With everything almost completely in place, Angelo jumped at the idea and I was really pleased that he was so enthusiastic. We spent the night together and he was actually pretty unselfish when it came to the sex. I used to think that he was great in bed. But that was before I met Joey. But now, he's just okay but he seemed to put a lot more into it last night and it seemed to be a bit more about me than him, which it normally is.

Ruby really doesn't seem to be in a good space at the moment. There seemed to be a lot of tension between her and Xavier, who appears to have finally made up with Romeo. I didn't actually meet Bianca properly yesterday but I saw her. I also saw her and Liam flirting up a storm, which I suppose is what's at least in part responsible for Ruby's mood.

Without having met her properly, I can deduce that Bianca is very pretty and very confident. She has long blonde hair and a lovely smile. I'm not going to go any further with that though. Last time I noticed how beautiful a woman was, it was Joey. And look how that turned out…

But I digress. I was talking about Ruby. I picked up on her mood and tried to talk to her about it but she says she's just nervous about her upcoming performance with Liam. And I guess her mood isn't helped by how happy Xavier and April seem to be. I know she doesn't want to be with him but post-breakup, it's always hard to see your ex with someone else. That's the one reason that I'm glad Joey left town completely. How awful would it have been if she'd stayed but not given me another chance? It's hard enough knowing that she's in a relationship and is happy with whoever she has chosen to be with but if I had to see it, I think I'd have some sort of breakdown.

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 29<strong>**th**** July**

**23:58**

**Home**

It's been an interesting day to say the least. I spent a fair bit of time with Ruby, who admitted to feeling down about her breakup with Xavier. I think Liam is still a factor but she indicated that Xavier was the bigger problem. So I tried to support her as best I could. Thinking of Joey, I told her that sometimes, when a relationship ends, feelings can still linger. But that doesn't mean that the breakup wasn't for the best. I opted not to elaborate by revealing my belief that the end of my relationship was the best for her but not for me. I like to think I comforted her a little and I did make a point of pledging my full support to her, no matter what.

I have to admit though, that I was disappointed when she didn't show up for the trial opening night of the restaurant. If I'm her mother and Angelo is essentially her step-father (please hold why I hyperventilate over that realisation), then I would have thought that she would have been a little more involved and a little less thoughtless. I tried to call her several times but got no response and if it wasn't for the briefest of all text messages to tell me she was okay, I would be walking the streets trying to find her by now and generally going out of my head with worry.

As for the trial opening itself, it didn't go wonderfully. I mean, it was pretty good in terms of the food and everything but the whole atmosphere was… well, there wasn't one. It was just really dull and boring and everyone seemed too polite to go home like they wanted to. Leah was too tired to enjoy herself and Rachel and Tony were arguing, to name just a few of the contributions to the lack of excitement.

Angelo was understandably stressed and rather rudely rejected my attempt to go home with him, as planned. I thought I was in for an evening of massaging his ego and making him look on the bright side but he didn't even want that.

When I came home, I found Leah looking utterly depressed. She hasn't been coping since Elijah left and it's becoming more and more obvious. She isn't sleeping all the well and I've heard her rattling around in her bedroom at all hours. And I gather that it's affecting work and friendships and stuff too. I feel really bad for her. We've decided on a girlie shopping trip and perhaps a movie on Saturday, as we're both off work. I'm really looking forward to it.

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 31<strong>**st**** July**

**00:33**

**Angelo's Apartment**

The restaurant opening was a huge success. I am so relieved. Angelo convinced me to stay over for a night of passion but he fell asleep before he'd even taken his shoes off. It was kind of cute actually. And I'm pretty tired myself so I can definitely live without sex for the night. Plus, it gives me a nice opportunity to write.

But anyway, yes, opening night was great. Angelo was pretty fretful about it from the start and convinced himself that the bad mood of the night before was an omen for impending disaster. Maybe he's spent too much time with Lijuan and Song!?

Anyway, I was really upbeat and positive about the whole thing and did my best to convince him that things would be great. And they were. Yay! The food was great, the atmosphere was great and everyone seemed to have a nice time. He's taken Indi Walker on as staff and I saw her flirting away with Romeo, who looked a little bewildered. I wonder if he knows she likes him. I mean, it's pretty obvious but guys can be kind of dim about things like that, I guess.

I'm really worried about Ruby though. She and Liam pulled out of performing at the last minute, which sent Angelo into a panic. But it just doesn't make sense. She's been nervous but as far as I'm aware, she has been really looking forward to her big night. I don't understand what would make her withdraw. I know she's struggling with the attraction between Liam and Bianca but she was struggling with that ages ago and it didn't stop her from working with him.

The only thing I can think of is that something has happened that nobody has seen fit to tell me about. If that man has done _anything _to her, I will kill him. And I don't even care about the consequences. However, I will keep the death threats hidden in this diary. Last time I made such venomous feelings public, the guy turned up dead and I was accused of murder! Wrongly, of course.

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 31<strong>**st**** July**

**18:01**

**Home**

I'm still deeply concerned about Ruby but she keeps saying she's fine. She declined to come out with Leah and I, which is a worry in itself. She never turns down a shopping trip and when one of us is suffering with breakup blues, it's absolutely customary to hit the cinema for a rom-com.

Regardless, Leah and I had a really nice day and I think it did her some good. It was nice to see her smile and have a good time, although I think it will take a lot more than that to make her heal completely from everything that has happened with Elijah. But I vow to be a good friend and try to help her if I can.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 1<strong>**st**** August 2010**

**12:00**

**The Beach**

I can't believe it's August already. Where on earth has this year gone?

I'm currently on the beach, waiting for Angelo to come and meet me. I've had the whole weekend off but he's been working his arse off at the restaurant. I have popped in a few times but there are only so many times I can hang around and wait for him to notice me.

I'm back at work tomorrow so finding time together will be even harder but if he wants to see me then he'll make the time and vice versa. I hadn't realised until now how much we took working together for granted. I'm hoping we'll have a nice afternoon.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 1<strong>**st**** August**

**21:03**

**Home**

Well, the day turned out kind of shitty. I didn't have a good time with Angelo and he pretty much spent the whole hour we spent together, telling me off for not being supportive. How the fuck could I have been _more _supportive? He was complaining that I never spent time with him anymore and that I'd had time off over the weekend and 'buggered off with Leah'.

I tried to explain that he was so busy that I thought I was a hindrance hanging around the restaurant all the time. And I also admitted that I felt kind of pathetic and lonely just hanging around my boyfriend's work, hoping for a few seconds with him. My defence did not help. He lost his temper and snapped that he should have known it would be too much to ask for me to support him and understand that he was busy.

We went round in circles and nothing is resolved yet. I'm feeling sore from his accusations and I'm torn between feeling stubborn and angry and wanting to stay as far away from the restaurant as possible until he apologises, and spending as much free time there as I can in order to make it up to him. I just don't know what the right thing is.

In other news, despite the nice day we had yesterday, Leah is still really down. She can't sleep properly and she doesn't seem very able to manage work. I guess these kinds of things just take time – and the support of people that love her. I know Miles has been trying to take care of her and Irene just about persuaded her to take some time off work today.

I gather she spent a bit of time with Rachel today. She and Tony are having a lot of problems at the moment. Well, they're having one big problem. Rachel wants to accept the job offer from her friend and move to the States but Tony wants to stay here. I get where he's coming from. For starters, this is where Jack died and is buried. I'm not sure I could go too far from where Mum's buried. I don't get to the grave as much as I would like but it's still important to me.

On the other hand, I gather that Tony would be closer to Lucas, his other son, if they moved to Boston, which would presumably be a big pull. I wonder what they will decide to do.

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Charlie tries to be a better girlfriend to Angelo but Joey is still on her mind, the Ruby and Liam situation gets more serious and Penn and Nicole break up…<em>


	116. Chapter 116

_Sorry I haven't for the past couple of days. Saturday kind of got away from me and there seemed to be a technical fault on the site yesterday. I hope you enjoy the chapter. Love, IJKS xxx_

**Chapter One Hundred and Sixteen**

**Monday 2****nd**** August**

**18:03**

**Work**

It's been an okay day, really. I've been working and my plan is to go to the restaurant this evening and talk to Angelo whenever I get the chance. I'm backing down from our argument. I guess supporting your boyfriend is the right thing to do. I do have better things to do than just hang around waiting for him but it's obviously important to him. And I am trying to be a good girlfriend. Maybe I could ask Leah if she wants to come with me. Or will that make Angelo angry? Maybe it should just be me so I can give him the attention that he needs when he's got a break or something. I just don't know. I feel like I get everything wrong.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 3<strong>**rd**** August**

**22:14**

**Home**

I am so strung out right now. You know how I suspected that Ruby had a thing for Liam but she wouldn't tell me about it? Well, I was right and the whole situation is far more serious than I realised. I guess I didn't really see the harm if she was gazing a little longingly at him across his guitar or whatever, but it's gone much further than that. The only thing I can be grateful for right now is that he isn't a bastard enough to take advantage of her.

Over breakfast with her this morning, I knew she was avoiding talking about herself. She wanted to hear all about me and Angelo and how things are going. But to be honest, I don't have all that much to report. We hardly get to see each other, except when I sacrifice my dignity and hang around waiting for scraps of attention like a dog.

So I made her talk about whatever pain she is in. She broke and told me that she has fallen in love with Liam. She admitted to trying to kiss him last week and he has now told her that he can't see her anymore. And apparently, she showed up drunk to his house the next night and he, Nicole and Penn had to drag her back to Irene's without anyone finding out.

I'm absolutely furious that nobody thought to inform me of what's going on. I might not get to live with her anymore and our relationship might be a little unconventional but I'm still her mother for goodness sake! I should know if my teenage daughter is drinking herself into oblivion and throwing herself at men! And why the hell hasn't Irene noticed something is wrong?

I confronted Liam immediately, of course, but he was really honest with me and filled in some of the blanks that Ruby left out – namely the drinking. I have to admit that it doesn't sound like he has done anything wrong so I will give him the benefit of the doubt on the promise that he reports any other incident – big or small – to me immediately. He has also agreed to try and be friends with her at a distance as it seems that half the problem at the moment is that he has cut her off completely.

Now, I'm at home with Angelo asleep beside me in bed. I ended up having to drag him home from the restaurant because he is literally working himself into the ground at the moment. But I don't have the energy to worry about him as well right now. I'll deal with it all tomorrow.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 4<strong>**th**** August**

**10:32**

**The Beach**

Angelo woke up and went back to work early this morning, leaving me a note to say goodbye. I swear he is going to kill himself by working all those hours. I admire the commitment and I know the restaurant is important to him but once again, I am seriously worried about his obsessive streak. It always gets him into trouble.

He was obsessed with finding out what happened between Belle and Aden behind his back and nearly got jailed for an assault he didn't commit. He was obsessed with the development site and it resulted in him accidentally shooting Jack. He was obsessed with the human trafficking case and lost his job over it. And he got so obsessed with me that he stalked me and fell out of a tree. It's not normal, is it?

I'm trying to be a good girlfriend, do all the right things and be there for him and everything but I'm really starting to feel the strain. We don't actually spend any proper time together anymore and I feel pathetic and stupid just wiling away my hours waiting for him to have time to notice me. It's not very dignified, is it? But I have to because he gets angry if he thinks I'm ignoring him or staying away! The whole thing is getting ridiculous.

I really wanted to talk to him about the Ruby stuff last night but he didn't have time and then he fell asleep. I'm so worried about my daughter and I don't know what to do to help her. And it's not like I can really ask Dad for help anymore, can I? And I'd be insulting myself to ask Irene for support. Leah is too brokenhearted for me to seek help from her. There isn't anybody that can really help me. The one person I know I could have turned to, was so hurt by me that she uppped sticks and moved far away forever.

I'm meeting Ruby for lunch so I am hoping that we can perhaps come up with some sort of plan to help her. And I hope that she can be completely honest with me about it all. Then I am working the afternoon shift and have to go to the restaurant in the evening. Angelo asked me to in his note. Well, he _told _me to.

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 5<strong>**th**** August**

**13:04**

**Work**

I'm on my lunch break but I brought sandwiches to eat at my desk. Eating lunch out every day gets kind of expensive. Also, I prefer the food at the Diner but would feel obliged to go to Angelo's so staying put seems like the most sensible thing to do.

I ended up texting Joey last night. I know I shouldn't have but I was feeling so vulnerable. She's my weakness, I guess.

I'd had lunch with Ruby and it had been pleasant enough but she just won't open up to me about anything. She happily chatted about how Annie has decided to stay in Japan. She chatted rather less happily about Bianca and April moving into Irene's. She sees Bianca as competition, I guess. I gather that they had been staying with Gina, John and Xavier but somehow got thrown out.

Anyway, I texted Joey about what is going on with Ruby and that I didn't know what to do. She told me that I need to hold back and wait for her to come to me. She said that I needed to keep a real eye on her and prevent anything bad from happening if I can but to go gently and not try to force my help on her if necessary.

She was pretty kind to even respond, really. I like that we can still communicate sometimes, although the interaction has left me kind of despondent today. It's like a get a little high from hearing from her and then I suffer a serious low because she's gone again. She's like sugar! Or caffeine!

We chatted a little bit about how we were. I told her that I was still with Angelo but that he was very caught up in his new business and stuff. And she was pleased when I let her know I had been promoted to Sergeant. She is still with her girlfriend and they have just opened an independent animal rescue centre. She's really enjoying the work and it seems like everything has fallen into place for her. I'm happy that she's happy. But I know I will spend the rest of my life wishing it was with me.

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 6<strong>**th**** August**

**21:05**

**Angelo's Restaurant**

Well, I figured I'm wasiting so much of my time hanging out here, that I might as well be a little productive and get some of my diary writing done. It's Friday night so Angelo is pretty busy. I'm getting to say approximately five words to him every forty five minutes or so. What a quality relationship!

I invited Ruby to come and meet me tonight but she said that she was busy being pissed off in her bedroom. Bianca and April have moved in and she already hates it. A very selfish part of me hopes that she might hate it enough to move back home with me. Is that a terrible thing to say?

I gather that she has been avoiding Liam all day and that she is generally feeling bitter about relationships. She is cranky that I am 'happy' with Angelo and that Nicole is all smitten with Penn and wanting things to become more serious between them. Although I heard on the grapevine that all might not be as well there as they would appear.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 8<strong>**th**** August**

**14:32**

**The Beach**

I have the day off work today and although I have to spend some of the time at the restaurant while Angelo works, it's nice to get away and relax on the beach for a bit. The weather is really nice and it's good to get away from all the stress and just focus on the sound of the waves crashing to shore. I know it's stupid but the sea always reminds me of Joey and despite the situation, that always makes me feel peaceful. I can't seem to make sense of my feelings for her anymore. The time we spent together almost seems like another life. It's so hard not to live in regret.

I was only my own out here for a little while but now I am getting great amusement from watching Romeo try to teach Indi to surf. She's terrible! But they look like they're having a laugh together.

I'm not entirely sure what is my biggest concern right now but Leah is pretty high on the list. She's really run down and she's caught a cold. Yesterday, she ended up fainting at the Diner. Miles and Colleen were pretty scared but at least it has been a wake up call and hopefully she will start looking after herself now.

We spent the evening together after I got back from the restaurant and I did my best to cheer her up but I know how much she is missing Elijah. Before I got back, Miles was looking after her and he's plied her with vitamins and everything. I always wondered why those two didn't get together really. They're pretty much perfect together. But I guess if you don't feel that way, then you don't feel that way.

She's generally pretty shaken about everything and is terrified that she might regress to how she was after the riot earlier this year. I'm sure she won't, although I am aware that Elijah was a big part of her healing so his absence might well be having that kind of effect. But we'll be more prepared for it this time so we can all pull together to help her.

Another difficulty is VJ. He's doing whatever he can to support his Mum but he told me that he hates Elijah. Apparently he said it to Miles as well. I can't blame him but I encouraged him to focus on helping his Mum, rather than feeling let down about Elijah. Hating people doesn't make anything better.

In other news around the Bay, Penn and Nicole broke up. Apparently it was something to do with Miles throwing him out of the caravan park and Penn blamed Nicole for his state of homelessness. And I gather that Miles threw him out because he stirred up some sort of trouble with Sid. I'm not really in the loop, to be honest.

And Angelo said he thinks Romeo and Indi are now an item. He has given her a job at the restaurant and apparently today, Romeo kept coming in and things seemed pretty intense between them. I don't really know Indi but Romeo is a good kid. After having his heart broken by Annie, it would be nice for him to find someone new.

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Charlie takes control when Ruby's behaviour spirals out of control, Angelo opens up about his family and Charlie gets to know Bianca…<em>


	117. Chapter 117

_Hi everyone. I've fallen behind on writing, I'm afraid so I've had to skip over 'Baby Mine' and onto this one but I hope to catch up with myself! And I hope you enjoy the chapter. Also, just to let you know, there are only two chapters left of 'Rebellion'. Love, IJKS xxx_

**Chapter One Hundred and Seventeen**

**Monday 9****th**** August**

**23:11**

**Angelo's Apartment**

I had an interesting evening, much more so than I expected. As usual, I was hanging around at the restaurant, hoping to spend a few minutes here and there with Angelo. I had the day off work and we had arranged to actually spend some time together. But then one of his waiters called in sick so he had to cancel and go in, leaving me on my lonesome.

He promised that he would make it up to me with dinner later and I guess technically he kept his word. He put a nice plate of food in front of me and all my drinks were on the house. He just didn't didn't eat as well and I sat there on my own.

On the plus side, I got talking to Bianca and I do hope that we will become friends. I must have chatted to her for hours. She caught her fiancé cheating on her so she ran out of her engagement party and ended up here to be with her sister, April.

She is the second most beautiful woman I have ever met in my life, and no, you don't get any points for guessing who the first is! She is blonde and has a very pretty face and the most amazing smile. She's also really bold and funny. I hope that we can become good friends. Aside from Leah, friendship wise, all I really have is Angelo and I don't even know if he counts. It's kind of scary to think that he's consumed my world so much that I really don't do much socialising without him. I guess I have Watson as well, although we don't really hang out outside of work.

But anyway, I had a really nice time with Bianca and I'm hoping that we'll get to spend more time together. And yes, I am well aware that innocently admiring a girl led to chaos last time but Bianca is very straight and I would never go there. I probably have a bit of a crush on her or something but as far as I understand it, it's platonic and I don't want it to be anything different. If I were ever to make a relationship work with a woman, it would be Joey. Not that she would ever want me again.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 10<strong>**th**** August**

**19:02**

**Home**

Ruby is cranky with me because I had lunch with 'horrible Bianca' today. She said she hates living with her, hates that she is her teacher and hates that there is such an obvious attraction between her and Liam. I feel sorry for her but Bianca is a nice person and she is someone I would like to become friendly with. And as I realised recently, I don't actually have a lot of friends. I want that to change.

I gather that Nicole is feeling really down at the moment, post breakup with Penn. She and Marilyn did some sort of cleansing ritual in order to heal from it and they used that ventriloquist dummy as a sacrifice. It all sounds a bit creepy to me, but then, so does the doll! I'm sure Alf will be pleased. Angelo said that he's been freaking out over it since Marilyn first brought it home!

And Leah must be feeling a little bit better at least. She has been trying to help Tony and Rachel reach some sort of compromise about whether to move to Boston or not. She even phoned Lucas. I'm not sure anything has been resolved yet but hopefully it will be. It must be so difficult for them, loving each other but wanting different things from life…

Well, I have to go to the restaurant for a bit or Angelo will be annoyed with me but hopefully I won't have to stay too long.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 11<strong>**th**** August**

**17:19**

**Home**

Tonight, I am going to the restaurant with Ruby where I can kill two birds with one stone, so to speak. Firstly, I can make amends and attempt to explain my friendship (if I can be bold enough to call it that) with Bianca to Ruby. And I can be present at the restaurant for Angelo without having to sit there like a desperate idiot all by myself. It's foolproof, right?

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 12<strong>**th**** August**

**18:22**

**Angelo's Restaurant**

I came here after work for some food and I am meant to be meeting Bianca for a drink but I think I need to sit down with Angelo and explain that I can't keep hanging around here waiting for his attention. The more I realise how few good friends I have, the more I realise that I have to find more things in my life than my relationship. Angelo has this whole world of interest with the restaurant now and he is totally in his element being the boss. But I kind of feel like I'm following behind in his shadow and I am losing myself along the way.

I did have a nice evening with Ruby last night, although I discovered later that a contributing factor in her agreeing to meet me was to get out of a homecooked meal with Bianca, April and Irene. She says she loves living with Irene and she is fond of April, even though she is dating Xavier. But she can't like Bianca and it's a real stumbling block for her. It took everything I had not to ask her to move back in with me. I still wonder if I should have. I just don't want to pressure her, you know?

It's been a pretty busy work day, actually. Yesterday, Nicole was taken into hospital with a needlestick injury. There was a used needle on the beach and it pricked her hand when she was out with Penn. He rushed her to the hospital and everyone is commending him for standing by her. I've interviewed her about what happened and she's had all sorts of tests for diseases she could have caught. Most of the tests have come back negative fortunately, but it will take months before she knows she is completely clear of HIV.

And the big news of the day is that Tony, Rachel and Harry have all jetted off to the States for Rachel to take up her position in the emergency department. It's taken a lot for Rachel to win him over. In fact, she kind of didn't. Lucas's plane was grounded so he never made it back to Australia. Rachel felt compassionate over Tony's need to stay in the Bay and when she told him they could stay, he decided that they should leave. According to Leah, he said that if he stayed here because that's where Jack is buried, then he may as well be dead too. I am so pleased that they have found a solution they're all happy with and I really hope that life over there is wonderful for them.

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 14<strong>**th**** August**

**08:43**

**The Diner**

I spent the night at Angelo's last night and haven't been home. I had a spare uniform with me so I am just stopping at the Diner for a light breakfast and a cup of coffee or three before I start work. It's likely to be a pretty long day. The media have got wind of the needle incident because we had to close the beach so they're likely to be hanging around while we work today. That will just be delightful.

Last night was quite nice, really. Angelo actually took the evening off work and we went for dinner together in Yabbie Creek. It was nice to get away from all the work stuff and spend some time together, although most of the conversation was about work.

He was talking me yesterday that one of the reasons why he is so obsessed with making a success of the business is because of his past. Apparently, his family consider him to be a failure. At one of their restaurants, a fire broke out and he got the blame for it. Since then, his brother, Paulie has taken the helm of the restaurants, which were originally intended for Angelo.

That must be pretty hard to take. I know what it's like to have your parents disappointed in you. It hurts like hell. Maybe that explains a lot about how he behaves sometimes…

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 14<strong>**th**** August**

**20:02**

**Home**

What a horrible day! I was very right to be concerned about Ruby. Apparently I wasn't concerned enough!

Liam came to me and told me that Ruby has been binge drinking. I had a vague awareness of that before but apparently, she showed up drunk to his house and fell in the swimming pool. He and Nicole just about got her home in one piece.

I spoke to Ruby about it and I thought it was sorted then. We talked it through and she apologised and promised not to be so stupid again. Drinking is dangerous enough without throwing being underage and diabetic into the mix. What was she thinking!?

The next thing I know, she's being caught buying alcohol from Indi at Angelo's restaurant! I told her off and Angelo told Indi off and we both went in quite hard. But they need to understand that it's no okay for them to do what they've done. For starters, Ruby should NOT be drinking and secondly, Angelo could get fined for selling alcohol underage, and that's just the best case scenario. The restaurant means so much to him and after all the work he's put in, it would be awful if it went wrong now.

Ruby is adamant that she was buying the alcohol as a gift for me, as suggested by Irene. I charged round to the Diner to confront her but I'm still none the wiser, to be honest. I don't know what Ruby bought the booze for but regardless, she shouldn't have bought it.

But I have made a decision. I am sick of treading on eggshells all the time and trying to protect her feelings. Ruby is my daughter, she's seventeen and she should be living at home with her mother. And that's final.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 15<strong>**th**** August**

**13:39**

**The Beach**

Ruby is back at home where she belongs now and I fully intend to keep her here where I can look after her properly. It's just wrong that she's been living with a neighbour when her mother was right here the whole time. I have to stop apologising for my past bad decisions and prove to her that I can be a real Mum.

Leah also revealed to me that Ruby approached her on Wednesday about moving back in and that she had agreed but advised her to talk to me about it. She didn't, so perhaps she changed her mind. I don't know. But she didn't put up much of a fight when I made my decision, so that is encouraging. However, if she had voluntarily moved back in, I think it would be more about not wanting to live with Bianca and wanting to live with me.

Angelo is beating himself up over the whole thing and his self pity is a little frustrating. He's contemplating firing Indi for selling Ruby the alcohol and she is being fined for it. But he feels bad and wants to pay the fine himself as he doesn't think it's fair. Alf and I have both advised proceeding with caution but he's pretty adamant. I guess he's got away in court with worse things that underage alcohol sales. Gosh, that sounds awful, doesn't it? I didn't mean it.

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Charlie and Ruby spend time with Ross and Morag, Angelo replaces Indi at the restaurant and April starts a new campaign…<em>


	118. Chapter 118

**Chapter One Hundred and Eighteen**

**Monday 16****th**** August**

**21:24**

**Home**

It's been another pretty long day. I've worked for most of it. We've been flat out with the needle stick story making its way to the press. I gather that Penn called the media, which has naturally pissed Alf and John off. We've only just started recovering from everything that happened with the riot in January.

We've scoured the beach, searching for more needles and fortunately come up with nothing. But we haven't found any leads over where the first needle would have come from. I just hoped that whoever it belonged to, didn't have HIV as that's the only thing poor Nicole hasn't got test results back for.

I've seen a fair bit of Angelo, usually at the restaurant. He's been a little thoughtless by using the news crews to try and promote his business. Well, he was before everything that happened with Ruby. I still can't convince him not to challenge Indi's fine. After everything that's happened to him in a legal capacity recently, you'd think he wouldn't invite more trouble. But it's his lookout, I guess. I can only make suggestions.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 18<strong>**th**** August**

**15:39**

**The Beach**

It's been an interesting few days. I like having Ruby back home, even if she is full of attitude. She got into it with Leah yesterday who criticised her for the alcohol fiasco. Ruby is absolutely adamant that she was buying it for me and not for herself. I don't really know what to believe really.

After a lot of persuading, Angelo has decided not to take the fine to court, to let Indi pay for it and to fire her. He has also hired Alf if her place behind the bar. I know it sounds harsh but you can't mess about with things like this. He's already lost one career, he can't lose another one, especially so soon after setting up.

I realised that a lot of his reaction to the situation was based in trying to make up for past mistakes. And I do understand that but he has to be practical about things. When he told me about his younger brother, Paulie, a lot of things became clearer. Apparently he was the one who started the restaurant fire but Angelo always bailed him out and this time, it cost him his share in the family business.

I suggested that he learn from that experience and realise that sometimes, self sacrifice isn't a good thing. He reluctantly agreed and did what he had to so I hope we can all move on from this experience.

Leah said that I should apologise for being rude to Irene but I maintain that she deserved it. Who advises and underage girl to go and buy booze, even as a gift for her mother? That's just stupid and careless. The only good to come out of it is that I have my Ruby back where she belongs.

And I gather that April is putting together an environmental campaign banning water bottles or something, having noticed how much rubbish there is on the beach. I have to say that the place is a mess, having combed it for needles and found a load of junk instead. I gather that she and Xavier are putting the idea to the council.

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 19<strong>**th**** August**

**15:29**

**Home**

Leah and I both had the day off work today so we went out for lunch. She's still really tired after the bug she had but is trying to recover from being so out of sorts in the wake of Elijah's departure. I'm really worried about her and I hope that she is able to come through all of this. I mean, I fully believe she will. She is made of strong stuff, is Leah. She won't let her heartbreak keep her down for too long. And you never know, Elijah might come back and make a go of it with her again. Fingers crossed.

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 20<strong>**th**** August**

**22:18**

**Dad and Morag's House**

Ruby and I have come to the city to spend some time with Dad and Morag for the weekend. Angelo was meant to come too and we arranged it ages ago but he 'got his dates mixed up' and couldn't come.

I don't know… sometimes I think the relationship isn't worth it. It just feels like everything is about him all the time. I don't need to be the centre of attention by any stretch of the imagination but sometimes, it would be nice to get a little bit. Even when he is trying to do something nice or romantic for me, it always feels like it's more for his benefit than mine. But then he says things about how we're a unit and he couldn't live without me and everything and I think I'm being a terrible girlfriend for not being generous enough. The whole thing is very confusing.

Leah was contemplating writing to Elijah but Colleen put her off by suggesting that it might make her look desperate. Thanks, Colleen, that really helps!

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 21<strong>**st**** August**

**15:44**

**Dad and Morag's House**

It's been a really nice chill out day and I have enjoyed myself. Dad, Morag, Ruby and I have just been hanging out and enjoying the sunshine and the plan is to have a barbeque this evening. I'm looking forward to that.

Dad is having more frequent lapses in memory but as a unit, we work with it and it doesn't have to be such a big deal. I know that isn't going to last forever but I hope it can last a while.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 22<strong>**nd**** August**

**21:11**

**Home**

Ruby and I got back from the city a few hours ago and came for dinner at Angelo's. We didn't see all that much of Angelo himself because he was busy but we got to say hello and goodbye. I sound really pathetic, don't I? I'm feeling so many strange things right now but I can't seem to put them into words. I can't quite figure out what's going on in my head.

We were sad to say goodbye to Dad and Morag but hopefully it won't be too long until we can see them again. I never thought I'd miss my Dad so much, considering the relationship we had prior to his diagnosis. But I do miss him… every day. I don't know how I am going to cope when he is really gone.

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Angelo's brother arrives in Summer Bay, Alf is accused of assault and Miles has a confession for Leah…<em>


	119. Chapter 119

**Chapter One Hundred and Nineteen**

**Monday 23****rd**** August**

**16:07**

**Home**

I was back to work today and it looks like there are no more needles to be found on the beach, which is a relief. We've scoured the whole place and couldn't find anything so we've deemed it safe and opened the beach again, much to John and Alf's relief, I think. I can't help but wonder where it came from in the first place. And I can hardly imagine how scared Nicole must be as she waits for her test results from the HIV check.

I heard on the grapevine that she has accused Penn of planting the needle. I can't investigate officially but it seems ever so strange. Firstly, I thought Nicole was _dating _Penn, so why would she accuse him of something like that? And secondly, why on earth would _anyone _do that to someone? I'm definitely going to keep an eye on that one.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 24<strong>**th**** August**

**20:30**

**Home**

Well, the shit has officially hit the fan today and I have a sinking feeling that things are only going to get worse. I now believe that Penn did plant the needle on the beach. I don't see what Nicole would possibly have to gain to make it up. And I saw them this morning and things looked a little intense. Marilyn and Alf are certainly on Nicole's side.

I don't exactly know what happened next. I gather that Penn and Alf had some sort of confrontation and later in the day, Penn was rushed to hospital, having been assaulted. I got called to the hospital where Penn accused Alf of attacking him without any hesitation.

Sid took me to one side and informed me that Penn has done nothing but lie ever since he came to the Bay. He said that Penn had lied that Nicole still had feelings for him and that he was the one who planted the needle she was stabbed with.

I opted to go and speak to Alf, hoping that we could clear the whole thing up quickly. It didn't work. Alf clammed up and refused to talk to me, leaving me no choice but to charge him assault. I felt sick about it. It's like arresting Santa or the Easter Bunny or something! He is the epitome of Summer Bay… he's the Giles of the Scooby Gang, the Charlie of the Angels the… um… the Ellen of the gays!? Anyway, he's important. And he is wonderful.

When Nicole found out about Penn, she was pretty shaken. I guess in this stage of distrust and dislike, it can be kind of scary, considering only a few days before, she would have been right by his side at the hospital.

While I was gone, Penn took a turn for the worse and it was touch and go as to whether he could be saved. Sid brought him back and he is still at risk but seems to be stable. When I got back there, I caught Alf visiting Penn, who woke up and denied that Alf was responsible for his injuries. He claims not to know why he accused him in the first place and that he got bashed while hitchhiking out of town.

I warned Alf to stay away, just to be on the safe side but hopefully we can drop all the charges now and forget the whole sorry mess. Everyone thought Penn was so charming when he first showed up but I have never had much to do with him now. I was a little unnerved to spend time with him. There really is something not right about that guy…

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 25<strong>**th**** August**

**22:08**

**Home**

I can't say it's been the greatest day I've ever had. Things are still tense between Leah and Ruby after the alcohol incident. I gather that Leah went to Irene's where Ruby apologised to them both and while Irene accepted it, Leah isn't convinced. I'm still not sure what I think.

But because of that, I had a bit of an altercation with Irene. What happened was that having been fired from Angelo's, Indi got herself a job at the Diner. I thought it was a bit irresponsible of Irene to give her the job, promting an argument. Irene snapped at me that I should look after Ruby before I start interfering in other people's lives.

I have to admit I was humbled. I did apologise to her for everything that had happened and I think she accepted it. She has been voluntarily housing my daughter after all. It's kind of her to have let Ruby live in her house, especially considering the only reason Ruby wasn't at home where she belonged was because I'm such a fuck up.

There was also a big mix up today with a food critic coming into the Bay. Angelo and the people from the Diner were all eager to impress. Colleen was particularly chaotic about the whole thing, only to be told later that the guy she was serving wasn't a food critic after all. And who was he? Angelo's brother, Paulie.

Angelo was less than pleased to see him and I guess I can't blame him after hearing the story of the fire. Apparently Paulie (or Paulo, as Angelo calls him and an attempt to be irritating) is now running two restaurants.

I had dinner with them and obviously my loyalty lies with Angelo but Paulie did seem really nice. He kind of reminded me of the Angelo I knew before Jack died. He was funny and charming then and although I do get some glimpses of that side of him now and again, he has definitely changed. I feel bad writing about it and I know it's wrong but sometimes he is so selfish. I feel like supporting cast to The Angelo Show sometimes. Is that really terrible to say?

Oh, and to go back to the food critic, he did show up at the Diner. I gather that it was no more successful the second or third time around and he ended up having chocolate mousse dropped on him! Poor Leah is dreading the review.

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 26<strong>**th**** August**

**19:02**

**Home**

I just had a nice dinner with Leah and VJ and I am happy to be spending the evening in. I'm chilling out by myself at the moment and the plan is for Leah and I to open a bottle of wine and put the world to rights. I seem to spend so much time with Angelo at the moment, or mostly alone, waiting for Angelo to have time to see me, that I feel like I'm losing my friendships. So I really hope that I can turn things around. I know I have to be a good girlfriend and do what Angelo needs me to but I hope I can strike a balance between my relationship and my friendships.

Leah mentioned over breakfast this morning that she is concerned that VJ is behaving strangely and I have to agree. He's quite secretive and on edge at the moment. Leah is worried that it's because Elijah has gone and it does seem to coincide with that. It's times like these when I miss Joey very profoundly because she would be the exact person who would be able to help him talk about his feelings. What am I saying? Times like these? I miss her every damn day.

But anyway, that's not being a good girlfriend, is it? I'm with Angelo, I'm committed to him and I will hopefully be telling the truth when I tell him that I love him one day. Through my own fault, Joey is part of my past now and I have to find a way to try and make the break. I don't know if it's possible but I do know I have to try.

Speaking of friends, I bumped into Bianca earlier and it looks like things are hotting up between her and Liam. I just hope that Ruby's heart doesn't get too broken. They're not doing anything wrong and neither Liam nor Bianca owes her anything but I know if they come out as a proper couple, it will hurt her.

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 26<strong>**th**** August**

**23:15**

**Home**

Well, Leah figured out what's going on with VJ. This morning, she found a bunch of letters from Elijah, hidden away. Somehow or other, VJ has got his address and they have been communicating without telling anyone. Well, we assume that _someone _must know because the kid must be having some sort of help. But whoever it is, is irresponsible. How can you encourage a child to lie to their mother? That's not fair. And Elijah should have cleared it with Leah before he started writing to her son.

Naturally, Leah and I have spent much of the evening discussing the situation. She has returned the letters to VJ's hiding spot and we think he is none the wiser. Sensibly, she doesn't want to launch into something without thinking it through first. She is way more controlled than I am!

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 28<strong>**th**** August**

**19:03**

**Home**

It's been a fairly pleasant couple of days. Angelo actually stepped outside the restaurant and spent some time with me. Granted, we spent most of that time with Paulie but I didn't mind. I don't really understand why Angelo has such a problem with him. There's so much tension between them and I do know about their history but Paulie seems like a really nice guy to me.

He's like… like the Angelo I knew before Jack died.

He was the typical cheeky chappie then, always making everyone laugh and up for having a good time. I see glimpses of his old personality sometimes but he's a very different man than the one I knew back in 2008. But then, I guess I'm a pretty different person to how I was there.

I'm in the mothering role I always wanted to be with Ruby, I've sort of come out as bisexual or whatever the hell I'm meant to be… I've fallen in love and not with the person I'm dating. I faced my demons when it came to Grant. I've become strangely closer to my father the further he drifts away. Nothing is the same as it once was.

Anyway, the three of us went out for the day yesterday and we went to this rally thing that John had organised with the council. I gather that April and Xavier are charging ahead with the bottle ban campaign. I quite enjoyed it and so did Angelo and Paulie but there was a distinct lack of support for it. John looked pretty disappointed at the lack of turnout for the event.

Tomorrow, we'll all be back at work…

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 29<strong>**st**** August**

**22:13**

**Home**

I worked for most of the day today but I started early so I got to finish early too. I stopped off at the restaurant to see Angelo, ate and spent a little bit of time with him and Paulie. The tension between the pair of them is still very apparent.

April and Xavier have both applied for jobs with Angelo and he's pleased that his restaurant is establishing itself so quickly in the community. I'm pleased for him. April is the one who got the job but I did hear on the grapevine that John has bought him the car he was intending to save up for. I gather the plan is for them to bond over working on it together. I think that's nice.

The evening has mostly been spent with Leah. She's got herself into a state about the whole letter saga. She approached Miles to try and find out who is helping VJ communicate with Elijah. Miles then confessed that it was him. Surprisingly, she wasn't angry and admitted that she had also been writing to Elijah but not sending the letters.

She told me all about it and it's clear that she doesn't know if she has done the right thing by breaking up with him. It's hard to see her so down but I can empathise. I know exactly what it's like to have the person you love far away from you. I guess at least Elijah might come back. My Joey is long, long gone.

Miles thinks she should send her letters to Elijah and I am inclined to agree.

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Charlie takes Paulie's money worries into her own hands, gets to spend some quality time with her family and enjoys a girls' night out…<em>


	120. Chapter 120

**Chapter One Hundred and Twenty**

**Monday 30****th**** August**

**20:04**

**Home**

Angelo and I had an argument. Are you shocked? Basically, I finally got to spend some time with him, although he had sex on the agenda. I wasn't exactly up for it but if that's what it takes to make my own boyfriend spend time with me, then I guess I have to.

But he was very distracted anyway, to the point that I wasn't even sure he knew I was there. It was mechanical and emotionless and then we fell out. He has been shutting me out more and more since Paulie arrived and I confess I lost my temper.

He always goes on and on and fucking on about how he has to be involved in every single part of my life. And that just makes him a hypocrite because he won't even talk about things that he is obviously stressing about.

Sometimes I wonder what I even mean to him. He was suffocating me when I wasn't 'his' and we kept breaking up. But now we're committed or whatever, he barely remembers we're in a relationship it at all. I'm starting to feel like perhaps he was only interested when I wasn't completely available.

In other news, Leah has decided to make contact with Elijah. I think we're all still hoping it could work out for them but I have to admit I'm sceptical.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 31<strong>**st**** August**

**21:03**

**Home**

Things still aren't great with Angelo and I think I might have made a big mistake. The day started okay and he was actually willing to sit down and discuss Paulie with me. He explained that Paulie is in financial trouble to the tune of $30,000. He has a loan shark after him and he's really scared.

Against his better judgement, Angelo wants to help him. The thing is, he's already in debt himself, what with trying to start up a new business. He wants to extend his bank loan in order to bail Paulie out. I can understand where he's coming from but I did point out that if he does, Paulie is never going to learn from his mistakes. He's going to continually get himself into trouble, assuming that his brother will fix things for him.

He took my advice and decided to backtrack on his offer of help. Unfortunately, that led to a big guilt trip from Paulie, who even went as far as trying to pressure me to get him to change his mind. Angelo was pretty pissed off when he caught Paulie trying to persuade me and threw him out.

Since then, I've happened upon an idea and I've acted on it before speaking to Angelo. That's why I think I've made such a big mistake. I approached Xavier with a suggestion of a use for Hugo's illegal cash. I know I shouldn't have. But I want to help. This might be too far though. Since when have I ever been willing to break the law for a partner? I don't know if Angelo is going to be touched or horrified. I'm not looking forward to telling him.

At least I'm not the only one struggling through her love life. I just have to look at Leah and feel relieved that at least my boyfriend lives in the same town. He might be a struggle every day – based on my own issues as much as his – but at least he's here. And I saw Bianca before I came home and she's had a big row with Liam after admitting she still loves this Vittorio guy, the one who cheated on her. I'm sure when I was a kid, I thought by the time I hit thirty, life would be simple…

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 1<strong>**st**** September 2010**

**21:33**

**Home**

I've got the next few days off work and I am really looking forward to them. Tomorrow, I get to go for dinner with Ruby, which I am really looking forward to and then on Friday night, Bianca, Leah and I are going out for drinks.

I get so engrossed in things with Angelo, which is irritating sometimes because he's no longer very engrossed with me. But I think it's important to cultivate my friendships. I feel like sometimes I take Leah for granted. Because we live together, we don't always take the time to hang out properly. And I really like Bianca so it would be good if the three of us could become good friends.

On Saturday, Ruby and I are heading into the city to see Dad and Morag. Morag has already warned us that things aren't going so well with Dad's memory. He doesn't recognise her all the time and I'm worried about how the visit is going to go. But we can't stay away. I love Dad so much and I want to help him as much as I can. I want to be a good daughter before it's too late.

We're coming back on Sunday morning, when Angelo has taken the whole day off work to spend some time together. I'm mostly looking forward to that. I haven't spoken up about approaching Xavier about the money for Paulie. I'm just going to leave it and figure out what to do if the subject comes up again. Using illegal money isn't ever going to be a good idea but it is something we may have to resort to. I don't want Angelo to get into trouble for Paulie's sake. If the restaurant falls apart, he will too and then where with either of us be?

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 2<strong>**nd**** September**

**22:59**

**Home**

I had the loveliest evening with Ruby tonight. We went into Yabbie Creek, to the restaurant we went to last year, when we were served by a waitress that I had no idea I was about to fall in love with. I thought I was being subtle by suggesting we go there but Ruby picked up on it immediately.

It was strange but nice and we put the world to rights over three courses, the last of which was some seriously rich desert. I felt myself relaxing more than I have in a while and it was nice to get the chance to talk openly about Joey. For all her bad reaction when she first found out about us, she's probably the one I can talk to the most about things like that.

She asked if I loved Angelo and I said I did, although whether that's completely true or not, I'm not sure. On the one hand, we've been together – on and off – for over a year now and I'm mostly happy with him. I mean, it's not the wild passion of our original fling, back before Jack died. And it's certainly not the heartstopping romance that I had with Joey. But it's comfortable. And I feel like if I am going to try and make it work with someone, then it may as well be him. He's nice and he's funny and I like his smile. Plus, he loves me. And that's not something to dismiss, is it? I tried to dismiss the way Joey felt, which was a terrible mistake. And that didn't even compare to the way I fucked everything up afterwards.

But anyway, we got to talking about Joey and I did admit that I'm still in love with her and that I think I always will be. I was quick to add that I knew she didn't want me anymore and that she had moved on with her life. Ruby was curious about how I knew that so I admitted that we texted now and again. She was excited for a moment and thought that perhaps that meant something could work out. But then she started worrying about me hurting Angelo.

She wanted to know if Angelo knew how I felt about Joey. I told her the truth – I don't broadcast it but if I was asked a direct question, I'd have no choice but to be honest. It was lies that cost me the woman I love so I hope to be honest about all things from here on out. But I don't need to rub it in with Angelo. That's not fair. He commented a few times during the 'moving in breakup' that I had lived with Joey but didn't want to live with him. What could I say to that really other than point out it was a different situation. We took Joey in because she had nowhere to go and _then _we fell in love and it seemed natural for her to move back in once we'd got together. But yes, I do see his point. I had no hesitation in living with Joey. I just wish I had been able to do it for longer. The time I had with her seems so fleeting and yet she's still so much a part of my existence.

But anyway, I seem to have written another Joey Monologue so I'll stop here. Ruby and I did talk about other things. She's still caught up with the Liam thing but seems more concerned about his relationship with Bianca than with the verdict of record companies on the demo they put together. I really hope that they get somewhere. But I am also a bit afraid for her. What if she launches a music career and gets sucked into the showbiz life we all hear about? I don't want her drinking and taking drugs and sleeping around. But I guess not all those people are like that, are they?

Oh, and the biggest news of the day is that Xavier told me he was happy to hand over all of Hugo's cash. I haven't taken it yet and I haven't proposed the idea to Angelo either. I'm not entirely sure how he'll react. I'm not entirely sure about how I feel about the situation. I think I've done the wrong thing. Between this and Grant's abduction last year, am I turning into a bent cop?

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 3<strong>**rd**** September**

**23:47**

**Home**

I just got in from a night out with Leah and Bianca and I'm a bit drunk. I had so much fun though! Angelo was a bit annoyed that we didn't go to his restaurant for dinner and drinks but in fairness, it is kind of hard to have a proper girls' night out with your boyfriend hanging around. And I have this growing awareness of not being very independent from him. I find myself checking my opinions with him and stuff, just in case they're wrong. He's not controlling exactly, just… dominant?

Anyway, we went into Yabbie Creek and had a great time. It's the most fun I've had in ages. It was nice to see Leah relaxing a bit after everything that's happened lately and I am continuing to enjoy getting to know Bianca. She's very pretty and a lot of fun to be around. I find her very interesting and easy to get along with.

In proper 'girls night' style, we analysed every aspect of our lives. Leah opened up about how much she misses Elijah and that she thinks she has made a mistake by how she ended things with him. She has written to him but she fretting over whether she was right to send it or not. Miles has suggested that she follow up the letter with a phone call but she is still debating that one. She said that she feels like her love life is always going to be hopeless. She met her soul mate in Vinnie but he was taken away from her and then died. And when Dan died, she worried she might be cursed.

She talked about how her relationships start and always seem so perfect in the beginning and then it fizzles out and seems to go terribly wrong. She and Roman were over before they even started and she swore she wouldn't have gone there if she hadn't really believed something special could happen between them.

Bianca was a bit confused so we had to explain that I went out with Roman before Leah did. Then Leah remarked that I'd been so busy falling in love with Joey that for all her fretting, I didn't even notice or care that they were an item.

Of course, Bianca was then curious to know who Joey was. If she was surprised that I had fallen in love with a woman, she didn't show it. She was curious though and asked lots of questions about Joey and how I define my sexuality. I still feel a little awkward on the subject but I admitted that I was probably bi but the only woman I have ever been in love with is Joey. I also left out the part that I thought Bianca was very hot when I first met her. Well, I still do. I have eyes!

Anyway, we spent a fair bit of time anaylsying my romantic life and the drunker I got, the more open I was about the fact that although I am happy with Angelo, my relationship with him or with anyone, is never going to match up to the way I felt for Joey, even if it was brief. I just wish I had been so ready and willing to discuss such matters when she was actually here. If I had only handled that situation better, well, who knows where we'd be now?

Bianca, meanwhile, was forthcoming about her own love life, which sounds like it's pretty interesting. She has kept in touch with Vittorio, the guy that cheated on her and admitted to us that she still loves him. But she is also very interested in Liam, much to Ruby's horror. It doesn't sound like anything has happened between them but I think it might. I just wish that Joey had had as much hesitation on walking out on a cheating partner as Bianca did. I mean, I know she marched out but she still loves him and might still want to be with him. If Joey felt the same way, I'd…

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 4<strong>**th**** September**

**00:15**

**Home**

I have to stop thinking about everything I have lost and pay more attention to what I have now.

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 4<strong>**th**** September**

**21:53**

**Dad and Morag's House**

It hasn't been the best day. Dad's memory is so much worse than last time we saw him. He probably only recognised us for fifty per cent of the time. I have no idea how Morag copes on a day to day basis. As hard as it is, I know Ruby and I have to come up here more often. It's painful to watch him fade away but I'd hate it if I missed him completely.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 5<strong>**th**** September**

**23:45**

**Angelo's Apartment**

We came back to the Bay this morning and while Ruby had plans to catch up with her friends, I had arranged to spend the day with Angelo. He took a rare day off from the restaurant and we really did have a nice day together. We went hiking and stopped for a lovely picnic. Then we came back into town, grabbed a bottle of wine from the Surf Club (he wasn't allowed into the restaurant in case he ended up working!) and came back to his place.

It was nice to chill and chat and stuff. My head has been full of Joey since my night out with Ruby and then with Bianca and Leah (as if it ever wasn't!) so it was nice to focus on my relationship with Angelo. He'll never be Joey but on days like this, I'm reminded that sometimes, he does make an effort.

We slept together. It was short and sweet, I guess. And he rolled over and went to sleep pretty quickly. I thought I'd be exhausted from the hike but apparently not. I'm still wide awake really so I thought I would come into the lounge and write. I always feel a bit anxious about writing in here in case he sees me and wants to read it or something. He's got a bit stroppy about it in the past and doesn't think there should be anything I can write in here that I couldn't say to him. But as ever, it's not that simple.

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Ruby hits rock bottom, Angelo finds out about Charlie's plan to help Paulie and Leah and VJ arrange to visit Elijah…<em>


	121. Chapter 121

_Apologies for my lack of update yesterday. The day just kind of got away from me. I hope you enjoy the chapter. Love, IJKS xxx_

**Chapter One Hundred and Twenty One**

**Monday 6****th**** September**

**22:34**

**Home**

There has finally been some good news for Leah. She spoke to Elijah on the phone twice. She said that it was so good to hear his voice. I get that. I dream of hearing Joey's voice again. But I have to settle for the odd text message instead. It's been a while. I wonder how she's doing.

But anyway, Leah has decided that she and VJ are going to go out there and visit Elijah. I will really miss them while they are away but I think it's wonderful news. I hope that they can reconnect with him and then they can come home and be a family. I'm trying not to skip too far ahead and I know she is trying to do the same thing. She's concerned that she might be giving VJ false hope but he's a smart kid. The important thing is that they're trying to be together. I think it's just a matter of time.

In other news, Romeo has laryngitis, according to Ruby. He can't talk at all and has been communicating with notes. But he is on top of the world now anyway because he and Indi are really making a go of things with their relationship. Angelo says that Indi is half cute and half irritating when she's at the restaurant and Romeo's either there or in communication!

Ruby also told me that this water bottle campaign Xavier and April convinced John to push ahead with has gone through. Only I can imagine John isn't terribly pleased really because the council have taken the money for it from another project, which John has been championing for ages.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 7<strong>**th**** September**

**22:23**

**Home**

My Ruby has got herself into a state and I feel terrible that I didn't see it coming. I didn't even know that she was drinking or that she was so depressed over this Liam thing. I believe more than ever now that she bought that wine from the restaurant for herself and not me, but I don't think it would be wise to bring it up. I just have to be strong and support her now. I have to be a good mother.

I gather it all started today when she realised that Liam had started to avoid her. It turned out that he had been fretting for days about how to tell her that he had been picked up by a record company without her. He explained it to her today and naturally, she was really upset.

She came home and randomly rearranged the living room in a fit of stress and upset. She dismissed Irene's concern and ended up drinking. She did nearly a whole bottle of vodka among other things and she's somehow got it into her head that it was Liam who rejected her and not the record company. I don't think that's true. I don't think Liam would treat her like that, regardless of how complicated their friendship has become.

Nicole found Ruby getting trashed on the pier and in a panic, she took her round to Liam's place. Liam was insistent that he had to call me but she begged him to let her sober up first. Then I gather Bianca got involved and eventually, Ruby agreed to let Liam take her home. On the way, she told him how strong her feelings for him were and I think he was pretty devastated at being the root of the pain she is in.

He told me everything that has been going on with her, including it not being the first time she has got drunk and out of control. I pledged my full support to her and held her for the longest time. I just want to look after her and keep her safe. I can't bear to see the pain she's in.

I met with Irene and she is as concerned about Ruby as I am. I do have an idea about how to fix everything but I am not sure Ruby is going to like it. I think perhaps she needs to go to some sort of residential clinic that will help her get over the stumbling blocks she encounters now. I don't think she is an alcoholic but I wonder if she could become one if she doesn't get the right help now. I will talk about it with her in the morning and see what she thinks.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 8<strong>**th**** September**

**22:10**

**Home**

What a day! So much has happened since this morning that it feels like years, not hours. The short story is that Ruby has gone to a residential clinic to help her sort herself out and I am no longer going to take Xaivier's illegal money to help Paulie out.

Ruby and I talked properly about everything and I tentatively suggested going to the residential counselling facility. She was terrified but agreed that it would be a good idea. I took her there this afternoon and I felt terrible for leaving her there. She suddenly seemed so vulnerable and helpless. But I will get to talk to her every day and I really think it might help her get over everything that has been happening with Liam. Her life feels really out of control right now so if she can centre herself then hopefully she can start again.

When I got back, I was feeling pretty vulnerable myself so I wasn't quite prepared for the onslaught with Angelo. He found out that I had offered him Hugo's money. I guess he has a point really. It's illegal and we could all get in so much trouble. I was just trying to help though. Angelo will lose the plot if his business fails because he has helped Paulie out. And Paulie is in a lot, lot, lot of trouble with those loan sharks.

Angelo warned Paulie that he needs to leave town sooner rather than later and it feels like he has given up on him. Paulie tried to make thing right and cooked us a meal before he went. Angelo reminded him of how much trouble I could get into for helping him out and then pleaded with me about the same thing.

Paulie was devastated but I decided not to give him the money after all. It was a big risk in the first place and nobody should profit from the terror and abuse so many people suffered at Hugo's hands. And I really could get into a lot of trouble. I could get suspended at best or fired and even prosecuted at worst. I care about Angelo and I wanted to help his brother because of that but sometimes there are more important things.

Part of me wonders if I was overcompensating. I told Angelo that he meant more to me than my career and everything but really, I don't think that's true. I _want _him to be more important than anything but really my list of priotities resemble: Ruby, work, Dad and Angelo. And that's not even opening the wound that is my broken heart over Joey.

Anyway, in other news, a woman called Mitzy has come to the Bay. I gather that she is Marilyn's friend and is staying at the caravan park. I haven't met her myself but you know how news travels in this place! But anyway, her arrival has caused some sort of argument between Marilyn and Sid. I hope they can sort it out soon. They seemed really happy together. Oh, and on top of that, it sounds like Dex has some sort of crush on Marilyn! And I gather that Bianca has had some sort of row with Liam too.

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 9<strong>**th**** September**

**18:41**

**Home**

I worked pretty much all day today but I made sure I phoned Ruby on my lunch break and as soon as I got home. I was meant to be heading back out to see Angelo at the restaurant but he said I sounded really tired and I should treat myself to a night in relaxing instead of tearing around town all the time. I'm quite relieved really. Plus, it will be nice to spend some time with Leah. She's really stressing over her impending trip with VJ to see Elijah. I just hope that they reach a conclusion they're both happy with.

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 10<strong>**th**** September**

**12:22**

**The Beach**

I found VJ looking particularly fretful this morning while he was eating breakfast and Leah was in the shower before work. I asked him if he was okay and he hesitated but then said he was worried about his mother. He genuinely looked like he had the weight of the world on his shoulders. I agreed that she seemed stressed about it but explained that that was normal and that the important thing was that they were going at all.

I hope I helped but I'm not entirely sure how you're supposed to tackle something like this. I can't promise him that once they get to Africa, Leah will fling herself into Elijah's arms and they'll all fly back here as one, happy family. It might not happen. And I don't want to get his hopes up like that.

I'm heading into the city tonight and I'm staying with Dad and Morag. Ruby is allowed visitors at the weekend so I can go and see her as well. I told Morag about the situation but we both agreed that Dad doesn't need to know where Ruby is or about the problems she is facing. He is getting frailer and more confused and he really doesn't need the added stress.

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 11<strong>**th**** September**

**23:04**

**Dad and Morag's House**

I think this day will always strike at the heart of people. It's one of those things where everyone knew exactly what they were doing when the twin towers went down. Predictably, I was at work but it was a pretty slow shift so my colleagues in the city and I watched it on a small TV in the staff room.

I watched some of the tributes and stuff today but mostly, I wanted to spend time with Dad and then with Ruby. She seems to be coping pretty well and I'm proud of her for that. I hope that it won't take too long for her to come home. And I hope that she can turn things around when she gets back. I'm just relieved that I finally found out what was going on and that I was able to help.

_Next time… Charlie, Angelo, Paulie and Nicole have an eventful day at the races, Bianca is torn between Liam and Vittorio and Alf's loved ones are concerned about him…_


	122. Chapter 122

**Chapter One Hundred and Twenty Two**

**Monday 13****th**** September**

**22:19**

**Angelo's Apartment**

My boyfriend uncharacteristically left work early this evening to spend some time with me. I don't know if he was feeling loving or just horny but the main focus when we got back was that he wanted to sleep with me. I did it because I'm supposed to but part of me wonders if I will ever enjoy sex again. I thought he was great in bed until I met Joey but now… Nobody is ever going to compare. I feel terrible about it but I don't think I will ever truly let her go.

I was really sad to leave Dad and Morag's today as we had a really nice few days together. And it was almost impossible for me to leave Ruby. But she is doing really well and we're hopeful that she will be back home soon. I'm so proud of her for how brave she is.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 14<strong>**th**** September**

**22:12**

**Home**

I had dinner at the restaurant with Bianca tonight. She called because she was really strung out about Liam and Vittorio, who has come to Summer Bay in a bid to win her back. But obviously since she has been here, being that she is technically single, she has been having a bit of a thing with Liam. So now she likes or loves two guys at the same time – one who really hurt her and one that she is only just getting to know.

Liam won't see her until she has made up her mind, which I can't think will help his case. I mean, if he is trying to win her over or whatever, shouldn't he be around, trying to charm her? I swear, if Joey was here and I had a shot of winning her back, I wouldn't leave her alone.

Bianca is so stressed about the whole thing but if I could be caught between my current partner and my ex, I'd be so happy. I mean, I wouldn't because that would be cruel. But being that my ex is someone that I would still love to be with, I doubt I would waste any time choosing between them.

That's really awful, isn't it? I'm with Angelo and we're planning this committed life together or whatever. I've told him I love him, even though I'm not entirely sure I do and it's supposed to be a long term thing. And my heart isn't really in it. I probably deserve the way I feel he treats me sometimes.

But anyway, there's no need to get all maudlin about it. This isn't my problem. I should just be happy to be going on as I am.

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 17<strong>**th**** September**

**19:22**

**Angelo's Restaurant**

I don't really like coming here on my own when Angelo is working anymore but I figured I'd give in this evening. I haven't seen all that much of him over the last couple of days because of work and he was keen to spend time with him. Plus, Paulie is still around so I wasn't on my own all the time. I know Angelo struggles with him but I have to admit that he's lovely company.

He actually invited Nicole and I to join him and Angelo at the races tomorrow. I have the day off work and it's a great place to dress up all fancy for the day so I'm going to go. It sounds like it will be lots of fun. I'm looking forward to it.

Oh, and I heard from Nicole that Indi and Romeo have taken things a little further and have said that they're in love. Or at least, Indi has said the L word anyway. I wonder if Romeo feels the same. They make a pretty cute couple so I have high hopes for them. Apparently they haven't even slept together yet, which I think is really nice. People (myself included) rush into sex so quickly these days. It's nice that they are taking things slowly. The one person I truly loved, I took things slowly with. I've jumped into bed without thinking with everyone else and I can't say any of those relationships including (shamefully) the one I am currently in, have ever been the real thing.

In less good news, everyone seems pretty frantically worried about Alf at the moment. Nobody actually knows what's wrong with him but Nicole was saying that he seems very stressed and is struggling a lot. I hope he's okay.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 19<strong>**th**** September**

**10:13**

**Home**

Yesterday started off really nicely. I got all dressed up and so did Nicole and the boys were in tuxes and looking all smart. They went off to place bets and stuff and Nicole and I were asked to enter a fashion show. That was pretty cool and we had a lot of fun.

I was up on stage when I saw someone pick pocketing and I reacted before I thought. I hurled myself off the stage and tackled them to the ground! I guess my cop instincts just took over and I didn't think about my dress or what I was actually meant to be doing.

But it worked in my favour in the end because I won! Apparently they thought it was super cool to have Wonder Woman tackling crime! The whole thing made me laugh and Nicole was really sweet and proud and happy for me.

Anyway, my happiness was of course not to last. Angelo wasn't excited for me in the slightest. The bitter side of me would like to say that he wouldn't have been anyway because it was something that had nothing to do with him. But that's probably mean. Except, I'm feeling kind of mean because he's really pissed me off so I'm going to say it anyway.

It turns out that this innocent day at the races was far from innocent. The boys decided to go because they thought they could bet all their cash and try to get the money that Paulie owes to his debtors. In an 'oh so shocking' twist, they failed. They blew everything they had and now they'e fucked. Angelo was in a foul mood with Paulie and then he and I fell out because of it.

So we all came home in rather bad moods (poor Nicole) and went our separate ways. I don't know if Angelo had plans for me to stay over but there was no way that I was going to do that. I came back and spent the evening with Leah instead. I have no idea why Angelo isn't talking to me but I am NOT talking to him until he apologises. Wanker.

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Ruby returns home, Angelo makes up with Charlie but falls out with Paulie and Liam leaves town…<em>


	123. Chapter 123

_Apologies for my absence again – my week hasn't gone quite to plan. I probably won't update tomorrow, as I have a really busy day but I should be back with you on Friday. I hope you enjoy the chapter. Love, IJKS xxx_

**Chapter One Hundred and Twenty Three**

**Monday 20****th**** September**

**22:01**

**Home**

I had a nice dinner with Leah this evening. Angelo was annoyed that we went out of town and not to the restaurant but these nights with my friend are really important. We chat about things we can't share with other people and it's nice to have that privacy. We actually went to the restaurant Ruby and I once saw Joey at, long before we ever knew how important she would become. I don't know if I say it much but I miss her a lot. That was sarcasm, by the way.

The teenage gossip of the moment is that Indi and Romeo have fallen out. Apparently she told him that she loved him but he didn't say it back. And he's now decided that they're moving too fast and has broken up with her. But there's hope if she gives him time. Sid has officially bought the farm from Martha and Alf now so it looks like the family will be settling here.

And in the adult world, everyone is still pretty worried about Alf but he won't tell anyone what's wrong. And I heard something terrible on the grapevine. Apparently Marilyn is expected to die in two months or something. I mean, I gather this news has come from her friend, Mitzy who thinks she is some sort of psychic or something. I don't know. The story is pretty confusing but Marilyn is really nice person. I hope none of this horror will come true.

And in my own world, I made up with Angelo yesterday after the whole racing fiasco. He very grudgingly apologised for lying to me about Paulie and the real purpose of the trip. I still wasn't very impressed but he did eventually congratulate me for winning the competition and I figured it's easier to get on with him than to argue.

Maybe I'm settling but I just want a peaceful life without the drama. I want to enjoy things as much as I possibly can. I seem to have spent so much time feeling sad, lost and alone and I just can't keep doing that. Angelo isn't 'the one' but he's nice enough. I miss Joey still like crazy but I've survived this long without her. Things will never be the same with Ruby but we both try and that means the world. Dad is broken but we still get moments with him now and again. I've got to start looking for the rainbow between the raindrops, haven't I?

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 23<strong>**rd**** September**

**16:00**

**The Beach**

Sorry I haven't written for a few days. Things have been fairly busy in Summer Bay recently, although I have gladly had things easier than a lot of other people, namely Bianca.

I had lunch with her today and her life has kind of exploded. It all looked like it was going well between her and Liam but now her ex, Vittorio, has arrived in town and even though he cheated on her, he is making a gallant effort to win her back and now she is feeling really torn. Although I feel sorry for Liam because he really does seem keen on her, it makes me think of my own situation. Is it that easy to win someone back after you break their heart? Is that what I should have done? Should I have gone after Joey and begged her to love me again? If I'd have done that, might my life be really different now?

But anyway, Bianca feigned illness to put Liam off today and she's going out for dinner with Vittorio tonight. She has no idea how she wants it to go or who she wants to be with.

In other news, everyone seems to think that Marilyn is crazy for listening to psychic Mitzy about her end date, especially considering she doesn't have an actual diagnosis of anything. But I think I remember someone saying that she battled cancer once before or something so I guess the pain of that would stay with you. But I think the situation might be causing her and Sid some problems. Well, he is a medically trained Doctor after all.

And everyone is still pretty worried about Alf as well. There's something going down between him and Penn, although I don't actually know what it is. I hope it's nothing too serious though. Alf is such a good guy. He doesn't deserve the level of anguish he seems to be trapped in right now. I hope his friends can support him.

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 24<strong>**th**** September**

**17:25**

**Home**

Tonight, I have a rare date with Angelo and we're not even going to be hanging out at the restaurant. We're going into Yabbie Creek to watch a movie and I'm looking forward to it. I feel like I'm working so much at the moment and then when I'm off, I'm spending a lot of time dealing with Angelo's work and brother issues so it'll be nice to get away for an evening and maybe even have a little fun.

I ran into Bianca a few hours ago and she told me that Liam has quit his job and decided to leave town! Apparently he saw her with Vittorio yesterday and was really upset that she lied to him. I guess it's affected him pretty badly.

In better news, apparently galvanised by his friend's romantic woes, Romeo has finally got off his arse and told Indi what we all already know – he loves her. So, they're back together. Hooray!

And I heard in passing that there are more problems between Gina, John, Xavier and April. Something about a lie and buses. I don't pretend to understand it!

Anyway, I should stop writing and get ready. Angelo's picking me up in an hour.

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 25<strong>**th**** September**

**15:03**

**The Beach**

Im hiding out here for a little while as everything has kicked off between Angelo and Paulie. Basically, we decided that this loan shark business is totally out of control and every attempt of Paulie's to get out of debt has been an epic fail. So I suggested to Angelo that he call his parents and tell them the truth about what's happening.

Anyway, he followed my advice and even told them at last that it was Paulie who was responsible for the fire he'd been blamed for when they were kids. He was really relieved to get it off his chest and I think it's done a lot of good to his self-esteem. I know exactly how it feels to be a disappointment to a parent and in this case, Angelo genuinely didn't deserve it.

However, Paulie is now furious with his brother for interfering and a massive row ensued. So, being that I'm the one who convinced Angelo to go ahead, I am staying well out of the way! I do not wish to incur Paulie's wrath!

We had a good evening last night and I enjoyed spending time with Angelo. I think I'm getting more and more used to being with him and that feels good. I know it's pathetic to still miss Joey every day but I don't think that's something I can help. What I can do, and what I _am _doing, is carrying on regardless and making the best of things.

Oh, I nearly forgot to mention the big news of the day. John had a heart attack and is in hospital. I think he is out of the woods but it was after a row with Xavier, which I can't imagine makes the poor kid feel good. He didn't even realise what was happening as he waked away and it was left to Penn, of all people, to save his life. At least he was there though. And it looks like Sid and his team took good care of him. I might pop into the Diner to find out of there's any more news, actually. If anyone will know what's going on, it's Colleen. But I gather Gina and Xavier are both very worried and spent the whole night at the hospital.

And the most important news of the day for me personally, is that Ruby is coming home tomorrow! I'm going to collect her in the morning and I am so beyond excited. I can't wait to have my girl back!

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 26<strong>**th**** September**

**20:01**

**Home**

Ruby is fresh out of rehab and I am so happy, although I am trying my best not to overwhelm her. Being back isn't easy for her, especially as everyone keeps asking her if she's okay. They're trying to be nice, of course, but she is struggling with the attention. And she's also a bit cranky that I didn't mention Liam leaving town. I just… didn't want to rock the boat, considering it's her feelings for him that prompted all of this heartache. Irene mentioned it instead and I think she is upset not to have had the chance to say goodbye. Nobody even knows if he's coming back or not. But whether he stays away or returns, a big part of me thinks it's great for her to settle back into the Bay without having to see him every day.

I spent a fair bit of time with her, collecting her from the city and bringing her back home. She went off to see people but we had dinner together this evening and I'm getting a good few days with her as well. Angelo is taking Paulie back home so he'll be away for a few days doing the family thing. He didn't invite me. I can't say I'm disappointed. I'm eager to spend time with Rubes before she returns to school more than anything. Yay! She's home!

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Charlie enjoys reconnecting with Ruby, who wants to learn to drive, things kick off between Alf and Penn and Bianca and Vittorio are under media pressure as they decide to get back together…<em>


	124. Chapter 124

**Chapter One Hundred and Twenty Four**

**Monday 27****th**** September**

**17:40**

**Home**

Well, this is just a quick update before I go out for dinner and then to a movie with Ruby. I am really looking forward to spending time with her, especially as I don't have to feel guilty about anything. Angelo is staying the night at his parents' house as he has driven Paulie back to the city.

Paulie was really angry with Angelo for contacting their parents but thankfully, Angelo stood firm. I tried to explain to him that Angelo was just trying to get him to take some responsibility for himself. But in better news, the Rosetta's have agreed to pay off his debts.

It's funny really, Angelo made such a fuss last year about me telling Dad about us. But it occurs to me now that I have never, ever met his parents. He's never suggested it and I don't think it occurred to him to invite me this time. Not that I mind really. It sounds terrible but I'm relieved to have time just with Ruby where I can just be her Mum and not having to worry about being someone's girlfriend.

Anyway, I like to think I was pretty instrumental in patching things up between the brothers and they seemed to go off happy. I do genuinely hope he has a good time. He hasn't seen his folks in quite some time. Which reminds me, I really ought to go and hang out with Dad soon. I know I only saw him recently but I need to get in as many visits as I can.

I ran into Leah briefly before I came to my room and she's really anxious about her impending trip to Africa to see Elijah. I really hope things work out for them. She's even considering going back and forth between here and Africa to try and make things work with him. That's quite the commute! But I think it says a lot about how much she loves him. I'm happy for her. Although, I gather she hasn't actually talked to him about her ideas so she has agreed to call him tonight and talk things through. Fingers crossed that it goes well.

* * *

><p><strong>Monday 27<strong>**th**** September**

**23:12**

**Home**

I had a really nice evening with Ruby. We had good food and went for our usual romantic comedy. It was lots of fun although I ate so much popcorn, I feel kind of sick now.

She said that Xavier was amazing to her today, which is really nice, especially considering their rather turbulent history. It wasn't that long ago really that they were convinced they were going to spend the rest of their lives together. But they've broken up twice now and this time for good. He's with April and she has been through hell with the Liam thing and the drinking. But she said that he made her first day back at school a hell of a lot easier than it might have been so I'm really glad about that.

I took a call from Angelo on my way home and he seems to be having a nice time with his family. He was a little smug at the telling off that Paulie got but then I suppose he's been waiting for that for a good few years now. He said it's nice to be 'the good one' for a change.

When we got back, we chatted to Leah, who is rather deliriously happy. She called Elijah and apparently he's been having the same ideas as her since they started talking again so it all looks rather promising.

All in all, I think it's been a very good day.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 28<strong>**th**** September**

**19:22**

**Home**

You know, I don't quite know what to do with myself at the moment. And I actually kind of miss Angelo. I mean, not in a 'cannot wait until he gets home' way but in a 'very aware that he's not here' way. It's kind of weird really. He's back on Monday and he's vaguely kept in touch on the phone but I'm looking to some real chill out days, work permitting.

That feels a bit of a mean thing to write in the circumstances though. That Mitzy woman, Marilyn's friend is apparently dying of lung cancer. She's currently in the hospital, having had some sort of seizure. Fortunately, she was with Dex at the time and he was able to help. I gather he, Sid and Marilyn are there with her and she's woken up. It must be so sad to know time is running out. It's really got me thing. I've got a couple of days off so I think I'm going to go and visit Dad. I miss him.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 29<strong>**th**** September**

**23:25**

**Dad and Morag's House**

Okay, I'm a bad mother. Ruby has missed a lot of school already but I just couldn't turn her down when she begged to come with me to the city to see Dad and Morag. The whole reason I wanted to go was because I'm so afraid of losing time with Dad and I didn't want her to miss out. Plus, she's a smart girl. She can catch up. And we're heading home in the morning.

As we were leaving this afternoon, there seemed to be a hell of a lot of paparazzi in the Bay. I presume they're around for Vittorio, as I gather the Prince is a pretty big deal. Last time I spoke to Bianca, she was as confused as ever about him but I guess with Liam gone, she'll struggle to resist getting back with him. She already told me she still loves him, despite him hurting her the way he did. I look forward to hearing all about it when I get back.

Ruby said on the way over that Romeo and Indi are annoying everyone with their floatation on cloud nine. It took them long enough, I guess! But apparently Romeo was distracting Indi so much at work that Colleen and Irene put him to work in the kitchen to punish him. Unfortunately, it just meant that he made even more of a nuisance of himself!

As for Ruby and I, we're not having the greatest time. Dad is here but he's not here. One minute he'd lucid and happy to see us and the next, he doesn't even know who we are. It's frightening and very upsetting. Ruby took it really hard, although she tried not to show it. And I'm going through the same thing. What has happened to my poor Dad?

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 30<strong>**th**** September**

**10:31**

**Grand View Park**

I had to escape for a little while. Dad is just breaking my heart and I don't know what to do. I don't know how to make this better. We've been floating round the house like ghosts since yesterday. And I bet Dad and Morag have been doing it for longer. How is she coping with him like that? How can either of them bear it? This is hell.

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 30<strong>**th**** September**

**11:45**

**Grand view Park**

I know I should go back to the house. The whole point of being here was to visit Dad and let him know how much I love him. But he barely understands that I'm there. But for Ruby's sake, I know I need to go back. She was still asleep when I left but she must be up by now and it's not fair to make her face this by herself.

I called Angelo after my last entry but he was too busy with his family to speak properly to me. He didn't even notice that I was tearful and chatted for about thirty seconds before he said he had to go.

Therefore, I almost don't feel bad that my next port of call was Joey. I've been sitting here texting her for the past hour. I know it's wrong but I can't help it. Even when she's not around, she gives me so much comfort.

I explained that I was really struggling with Dad and that he is fading away from me. She was really sweet and took time away from whatever she was doing in order to be there for me. She said all the right things and now I feel just that little bit stronger, that little bit more able to go back to the house and face the day. Come on Charlie, you can do it.

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 1<strong>**st**** October 2010**

**12:42**

**The Beach**

Ruby and I stayed for most of the day yesterday and while things didn't exactly get better in terms of how present he was, we made the best of things and tried to have a good time. It breaks my heart to see him like that. I keep missing him but the truth is, he's already gone.

I tried to talk to Angelo on the phone again but he's still too busy to be of any use. Still, Joey helped enough that I don't really need him. He's coming back on Monday and I'll be working for most of the time away. Maybe when he gets back we can hang out or something.

Well, I'm nearing the end of my break so I'd better head back to the station.

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 2<strong>**nd**** October**

**20:00**

**Home**

Well, it turns out that a lot of stuff has been going on under my nose without me realising it. Leah finally confessed to me today that Penn has been terrorising poor Alf.

Apparently, Penn is the son of a woman Alf had a relationship with years ago. And when the relationship ended, she killed herself. Since then, Penn has had a vendetta against Alf and now wants to make him pay. It's all very scary and rather Hollywood.

Alf's loved ones are up in arms, of course. Miles tried to warn Penn away from Alf on Tuesday but it didn't do any good. Penn came to see Miles and basically said that he wants to put Alf through the pain he experienced when he lost his mother. Miles has since warned people like Romeo and Indi to stay away from him.

Penn then visited Irene and Leah on Thursday and threatened them. They wanted to tell the police there and then but in fairness, I was away. Well, until the evening anyway. They should have told me. I could have started trying to do something then. But Miles told them that telling me would have to be Alf's decision, considering he's the one that Penn is gunning for.

Anyway, the good news is that I found out about it all today and I went straight round to see Alf. The bad news is that he won't talk to me. I gather he thinks that getting the authorities involved will just do more harm than good and I am struggling to convince him otherwise. It's a really diffiuclt situation but there is no way I am going to let this lie. Nobody terrorises anyone in this town, not under my watch. Even the River Boys are more or less kept in check, as far as I know. No nasty little man with a vendetta against, let's face it, the town hero, is going to get away with anything. He's not going to hurt Alf.

As I was leaving, Miles approached and offered to make a statement instead, as he has witnessed Penn's threatening behaviour. I'm going to drag Penn's sorry arse in for questioning first thing tomorrow.

In other news, it looks like Bianca and Vittorio are officially back together, which must have been a pretty big decision for her. I'm hoping to catch up with her soon and get all the gossip. Also, John has been released from hospital after his heart attack and Marilyn has fallen out with Sid over Mitzy. I dread to think what's happened now!

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 3<strong>**rd**** October**

**16:33**

**The Beach**

Well, I took Penn in for questioning but despite Miles's statement, I had no evidence to hold him. I guess I hoped he'd be easy to crack and I could find a way to get him to back down and leave poor Alf alone. But I didn't get anywhere and I don't think I even managed to put the frighteners on him. I'm adamant that I will keep an eye on him though. He's quite obviously trouble. I'm just glad Nicole got away from him when she did.

The rest of the town is pretty much treating him like a pariah anyway. Leah turned him away from the Diner and he's not likely to get much luck elsewhere either. Maybe if all the residents are completely intolerant, he'll give up and go away?

I tried to talk to Alf again but he won't open up about his history with Penn and without that, formally, I can't do anything. If Alf wants me to help him then he needs to hep himself as well. I gather he was pretty pissed off with Miles for interfering but he was only protecting is family. He did the right thing. Dealing with legal problems yourself isn't a good idea. That's what the police are there for. I wish people would just let us do our jobs.

I've just had a bit of a to do with Ruby, although fortunately, not a bad one. She has decided that she wants to learn to drive. Guess who she wants to teach her! Me! I've said no way, not on this earth, never ever. Dad tried to teach me to drive when I was her age and we didn't speak for a week. Ruby and I have been through quite enough without deliberately making things worse!

* * *

><p><em>Next time… John proposes to Gina, Charlie makes a ridiculous decision and has Angelo been unfaithful…?<em>


	125. Chapter 125

_I've had to skip onto this one as I'm a bit behind on _Baby Mine_. Just an aside, yet again, as much as I wish it could have been this is NOT a Charlie/Joey story. This is a Charlie story and it follows her plight through the show. We started in 2008, when she first arrived and dated Roman. We've seen her through him, then Angelo, then Joey, then Hugo, now we're back to Angelo and we'll eventually see her date Brax. If you look at the description, you'll only see her name in the character bit. And if you've read 125 chapters in, I'd have thought you'd have got the gist by now. If you're not enjoying it, then kindly go away and find something more productive to do with your time instead of being generally unpleasant. Please and thank you. To everyone else, I hope you have a lovely day. Love, IJKS xxx_

**Chapter One Hundred and Twenty Five**

**Tuesday 5****th**** October**

**19:33**

**Home**

Angelo and I are officially over. I hate him. I have no fucking clue why I was with him in the first place. He's a shit. He's a bastard. Just looking at him utterly disgusts me. I hate him. Have I mentioned that yet? I hate him! Fucking wanker.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 5<strong>**th**** October**

**21:35**

**Home**

Okay, I am feeling a bit more reasonable but I'm a bit drunk too so please bear with me. And for the record, I still hate Angelo and I still think he's the biggest prick alive. Although, I have to mention that he definitely doesn't _have _the biggest prick alive. And he's buggered if 'it's not the size, it's what you do with it that counts' too. Because I have never been with someone less satisfying than him. So quite frankly, if he wants to fuck some random hitchhiker then he can go for it. I doubt she'll have any more fun than I have since I screwed my life up and ended up with the world's shittest booby prize!

Okay, I might not be feeling as reasonable as I thought… Maybe I should drink some more!?

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 5<strong>**th**** October**

**22:45**

**Home**

Okay, I genuinely am feeling a bit more reasonable now so I can actually write down what has happened. And to give him his due, I don't think Angelo actually cheated on me but he nearly did and that hurts enough. It rams home to me, of course, just how much I must have hurt my poor Joey. She was genuinely in love with me and I betrayed her. I'm not even in love with Angelo and he didn't quite betray me and I'm distraught.

From what I gather, what happened was that Angelo was driving home from visiting his parents and sending Paulie back to them when he came across someone on the side of the road with a broken down camper van. Doing the decent thing, he stopped to help her, although I'm sure the fact that she's very pretty made a difference. If it had been some burly, hairy bloke, I doubt he would have even noticed them. But that's by the by, I guess.

He took a look at the car, although why, I have no idea. He's not a fucking mechanic! How he could pronounce it dead like that, I have no clue. He can barely change a fucking plug! And now he knows the ins and outs of a car engine? I don't think so! The little shit probably just wanted to get up close and personal with the slutty bitch. Ugh! I'm so angry! Can you tell or am I hiding it!?

Anyway, she was coming to Summer Bay anyway (it turns out she is John Palmer's long lost daughter) so Angelo gave her a lift the rest of the way. And apparently, she spent the whole journey flirting with him and making suggestive comments. She blatantly offered him sex and although he says he turned her down because he loves me, he admitted that he was tempted. And I gather that's why he actually sought me out and paid some attention to me for a change when he got back. I was quite shocked at the time! And now I know why he bothered!

This morning though, things seemed really weird. I caught him and this woman, Shandi, chatting rather intimately. And then I knew Angelo had seen me on the beach but he didn't bother to come over. I confronted him – I like to get to the point about these things – but he backtracked and got a bit defensive.

Then (thanks to Alf, apparently) he sat me down and told me the truth. He was tempted to cheat on me with Shandi when she offered it on a plate. He kept going on about it being the lure of freedom and a life of no commitments that attracted him. He said he felt bogged down by the restaurant and being in such a committed relationship.

Well, I nearly decked him right there! He was the one who wanted the commitment! If it was down to him, he'd probably have me married with a thousand babies round my neck and chained to the kitchen fucking sink by now! When I wouldn't commit, he STALKED me! He got on his high horse and broke us up because I wouldn't damn well move in with him! And now he feels stifled!? Fucking prick.

He practically forced me into commiting to him and then he nearly cheated on me because he wanted his freedom? Well, I told him he could have all the freedom he liked from now on. It's over. It's completely over. I want nothing more to do with the tiny dick. If I ever see him again, it'll be too soon. I hate him!

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 6<strong>**th**** October**

**20:43**

**Home**

Um… I appear to be on my way to moving in with Angelo. Yes, I know. I don't understand how it happened either. The moment the words were out of my mouth, I regretted it. I'm such a stupid bitch. I actually hate myself more than I've ever hated him. I'm such an idiot. Stupid, stupid bitch, Charlie.

He's just popped out for some champagne so I don't have long to write but I guess I have no choice about him staying over on such a happy occasion so I won't get a chance to write properly until tomorrow.

Basically, what happened was that nobody seemed to understand why I was upset. But then, I guess if I am surrounded by people who think that him stalking me is romantic then I didn't have a hope of anyone being on my side for this.

I talked things through with Leah and she thinks that if Angelo was prepared to be honest with me, even about something like that, then it shows how much he cares. Subsequently, his temptation shouldn't be an issue. She said that at the very least I should talk things through with him and not just wash my hands of him like I did yesterday.

Reluctantly, I agreed and we did have a proper conversation about it all. I was a bit more open to listening to him and he said that he feels insecure about our relationship because of my commitment issues. So, I guess after everything, he is still harping on about me not wanting to live with him.

On the one hand, the whole thing pisses me off. He's so bloody controlling about this stuff. What's wrong with not being ready to take that step? It's not like we've been in a blissful, secure relationship for all ths time. I mean, turbulent doesn't even cover it! We've broken up and got back together so many times that I don't even think I can count. Ever since we got back together the first time, it's been a nightmare. We argue about everything and we've both fucked up on multiple occasions.

But on the other hand, everyone else – including him – seems to think that we're a match made in Heaven. He seems to be able to do anything to me and it's okay according to the rest of the world, according to people I trust, like Leah. So maybe I'm just getting it wrong? I've been a mess for most of my life so perhaps I can't trust my own feelings, my own opinions? I don't know. The whole thing is so confusing. And I guess that's what led to my ridiculous decision.

I talked things through with Leah again and, after throwing up rather violently, I asked Angelo to move in with me. I don't know if it was the right decision. Actually, I know it's the wrong one but if Angelo is the only person that's ever going to love me then I need to keep him, don't I? They say that if you're the only one with a different opinion, then surely you're the one that's wrong. And I really do seem to be the only one who thinks Angelo was wrong to be tempted by Shandi. And I really do seem to be the only one who doesn't think we should be living together. So I guess I just have to go with that, even if I don't really want to.

Understandably, he was a bit confused by the whole thing, considering how we ended up breaking up last time he broached the subject. I remained steadfast in my assertion that it's what I want and he agreed. He feigned patience but I said I wanted to get things moving right away. Everyone else thinks I'm eager but I know that if I stall, then I will back out and then we'll break up all over again. And I am so tired of this misery go round.

Leah and Ruby were both really thrilled with the news and acted as if we should have done it ages ago. I said to Ruby that if she had even a small problem with the idea then we wouldn't go ahead and I know a big part of me was longing for her to object. But she didn't. She was really excited about the whole thing. She had some sort of reading with that Mitzy woman, who told her that she would find love in the next two months. So now, having given up on Liam (thank goodness), she is all dewy eyed and hopeful about the future and convinced that the world is made of love and happy endings (not the rude kind).

Leah came up with the idea of moving into Tony and Rachel's old place as it's vacant now they're in America. We said we'd look into it and tomorrow, we will.

Angelo was all cuddly but pissed me off again. He promised not to be tempted by another woman again and I promised not to be tempted by a man. He then started teasing me about women being a threat too. The last thing I needed was to think of Joey on a night like this. It dampened my mood to say the least. But I hope I kept that under wraps.

Hang on, I think that's him coming back in so I'd better go. And I'd better keep that stupid smile plastered across my face.

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 7<strong>**th**** October**

**18:09**

**The Restaurant**

It's been a pretty long day after a late night of celebration. I worked from early this morning but Angelo took time out to go to the letting agent and find out about Tony and Rachel's old house. It's available and we're going for a viewing at the weekend.

I guess if I have to do this then that's a good place. It's local and won't make it harder to get to work or anything. I'm really going to miss living with Leah and VJ though. I can't believe I'm about to make such a massive change to my life. I'm trying to be positive but honestly, I have a really bad feeling about this.

In other news, it looks like Miles has hooked up with Shandi. She really doesn't waste any time, does she? Whore. Not that I'm still bitter about any of this, of course. Don't get me wrong, I'm as upset with Angelo as I am with her – more so, actually. I can't stand those women who stand by their pathetic men and blame the other woman. And I guess it does look like that's what I'm doing. But it's complicated. I blame him even more than her for what happened but I have to stay with him. I don't have a choice. Do I?

But anyway, Leah is worried about Miles because Shandi isn't exactly the most traditional kind of girl and she is concerned that he is going to get hurt. Good luck to him, I guess.

And I heard from Ruby that even Dex has got himself a date. Some girl from a pet shop, I think she said. Adrian? I doubt she's as pretty as that Adrienne Wilkinson girl from _Xena _though… Seriously, how did I not know I liked girls before I met Joey?! Oh Joey, I miss you so much. I wish it was you I was planning this committed future with.

But anyway, the current buzz of the Bay is that John asked Gina to marry him last night and she turned him down rather crankily. They'd already had a shock when Shandi showed up, claiming to be his illegitimate daughter. But that night, John proposed. Apparently he planned it a while ago and refused to go ahead until Xavier gave him his blessing. But it turned out he didn't even need to bother.

From what I've heard, Gina thinks that John only wants to marry her because of his heart attack. She says she doesn't want to be a consolation prize after seeing his life flash before his eyes. And she sounds likes she's pretty pissed off about the whole thing. I'm guessing that's not how John wanted things to go!

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 10<strong>**th**** October**

**13:30**

**The Beach**

Sorry I haven't had much chance to write. I was working all day on Friday and Angelo took the night off so we spend it together. He is so excited about us moving in together and I feel really bad to only be pretending to feel the same. Suddenly everything feels really frightening.

We looked at the house yesterday afternoon and it really is lovely. Tony and Rachel have left it in great condition and there's a lot of space. It has four bedrooms so Angelo and I will have one, Ruby will have the other and then Angelo and I have an office each. He made a joke about adding to our family. I thought I was actually going to die of fright.

So yeah, we're going to be moving into the house on 23rd October. At least that gives me a few weeks to get my head around everything. Angelo is being impatient of course but at least the delay isn't my fault so in theory, he can't start getting at me.

And further to the commitment news, Bianca and Vitorrio are engaged again. They had some romantic meal together on Friday night, despite April's protestations. Vittorio told Bianca how much he loves her and then proposed for a second time. And she accepted.

She seems happy about it, although I gather that April is utterly horrified. But if Liam is gone and his relationship with Bianca is completely over then what else is she going to do? She still loves Vittorio, despite what he did and if she can make it work then good luck to her. I just hope they're happier together than Angelo and I.

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Preparing to move in with Angelo, Charlie's heart still lies with Joey, Bianca and Vittorio continue to receive a lot of attention and Mitzy passes away…<em>


	126. Chapter 126

_Hi, everyone. I really am being rubbish at this whole updating thing, aren't I? And it makes me sad because I always kind of prided myself on updating every day. It's just that everything is all a bit messy right now with my health but I am trying really hard to get on top of it all so thank you for bearing with me. I'm doing my best. I hope you enjoy the chapter anyway and I hope you all had a great Easter. Love, IJKS xxx_

**Chapter One Hundred and Twenty Six**

**Monday 11****th**** October**

**18:59**

**Home**

I just thought I would write a quick entry in here between work and going out. Angelo, Bianca, Vittorio and I are going to the restaurant for dinner to celebrate Bianca and Vittorio's engagement. I'm really happy for them, although I am still a little surprised that they're getting hitched after everything that's happened – Vittorio's betrayal and of course, Bianca's feelings for Liam.

It makes me happy and it makes me sad that they able to work through it all. Obviously, I am happy for Bianca as she has come to mean a lot to me in really quite a short space of time. She's the kind of person I hope I will be best friends with (as well as Leah) until the day I die, which I'm hoping won't be too close to now!

But the selfish part of me is sad because Bianca found it in her heart to forgive Vittorio and make it work with him and Joey was never able to forgive me for my betrayal. I know it's pathetic but I still miss her a great deal and I don't think a day goes by when she doesn't pop into my head at one point or another.

I know I'm with Angelo and we're happy and moving in together and everything but I can't stop myself from thinking of her a lot. And I wonder if she thinks of me or misses me, even though she is happy in her own life, I'm sure. Part of me wonders if what I did was really that bad that it was essentially unforgiveable but the other part of me knows it was. Maybe as an isolated incident, she could have come back but she was already so vulnerable and I hurt her so badly, more than once.

While I hope to be best mates with Bianca and Leah for the rest of me life, one thing I know for absolute sure is that I will never love anyone the way I loved Joey. And that I will continue to love her until my dying day.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 12<strong>**th**** October**

**14:22**

**The Beach**

I'm just on a quick break from work and I've finished my lunch and my coffee so I figured I'd write for a little bit. This has been my thinking place for ever such a long time, really.

Dinner last night was really good. Angelo and Vittorio did have a bit of a pissing contest about how amazing and successful they both are. And as much as I care for him, how did that boyfriend of mine ever think he could outdo an Italian Prince!?

But anyway, it was a pretty funny night and we all had a good time. Angelo was pretty smug about how much of a go of things we're all making – Vittorio and Bianca getting married and he and I moving in together. Let's just hope he doesn't get any ideas of his own! I'm shitting bricks and blowing chunks on a regular basis just thinking about the step we're taking so let's not get carried away! I mean, figurately speaking. Not literally. I don't need a Doctor. Apologies for the imagery anyway. I could have dealt with that better…

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 13<strong>**th**** October**

**07:45**

**The Beach**

Well, if I'd given us a chance to start, it would have been mine and Joey's eighteen month anniversary today. I feel sad thinking about everything we missed out on. And I wonder if she counts the dates like I do and wonders what might have been. She probably thinks she's had a lucky escape though. I imagine this girlfriend of hers to be amazing, someone who treats her exactly as she deserves. That's better than I ever managed, isn't it? Maybe I'm not relationship material. Although, I'd obviously better not let Angelo know that! It's not long now until we take the pluge and share a home together. I do wonder how that's going to turn out!

I'm having lunch with Bianca today, which I'm looking forward to. She called me last night and sounded pretty strung out on the phone. Papprazzi have arrived in the Bay to get the scoop on her engagement to Vittorio and I gather it's all become rather stressful. Well, if you will marry royalty…!

April isn't hiding her feelings about the engagement and very obviously doesn't think that Vittorio is good enough for her sister. I can understand her reasoning and I think it's nice that she wants to look out for her. But what's especially nice is that she is planning the wedding anyway and is being completely supportive.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 13<strong>**th**** October**

**10:50**

**Work**

I know it's stupid to get so excited and that's is also pretty unprofessional to write my journal while I'm at work but I can't seem to help myself. Joey texted me about ten minutes ago and it was just… lovley. She said:

_Hey, Charlie. I was just thinking of you so I thought I'd send you a message to let you know. I really hope things are going well for you right now. Love, Joey x_

I was beside myself with excitement and texted back so hurriedly that I nearly sent my message with a lot of mistakes. Fortunately, what I did send was this:

_Hi, Joey. I was thinking of you too, actually. Things are okay with me. Hectic as ever. How are you? I miss you. Love, Charlie x_

Neither of us mentioned it exactly but I like to think she made note of the date too. Why else would she text me today of all days?

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 13<strong>**th**** October**

**11:23**

**Work**

She texted me again! She was just really chatty and stuff and it was so nice to hear from her. She asked how I was and what I was up to and everything and about how things were going with Angelo. I told her that we were moving in together but that it had been a long road and I was a bit scared and confused and not sure that it was the right thing. And I asked how everything was with her girlfriend too. I'm just waiting for her to reply.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 13<strong>**th**** October**

**12:33**

**The Beach**

Joey just sent me a text but her tone seems to have changed. She said:

_Yeah, all is well here. I'm single again but really happy about it. Work is going really well and I have a really cool group of friends. Congratulations on your news. J x_

She's confused me now though. Why is she telling me that she's single? Does she want to drive me crazy or something, thinking that she's not with anybody but I'm still not permitted to be with her? I swear, if she gave me the green light, I'd drop everything in order to be her girlfriend again, to convince her to give me another chance.

But like she said, she's happy being single and has a good life. So maybe she's just warning me away.

Well, I'd best go and meet Bianca for lunch.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 13<strong>**th**** October**

**18:08**

**Home**

Angelo is working until late, which is a relief but I wonder how I am going to escape on the 13th of each month when we live together!? I still can't get Joey out of my mind. I mean, I know I can't normally but it's even worse today because she's been in touch. I so desperately want to ask why she was talking about being single again but I'm too scared. And I guess it's too late now anyway.

I had a nice lunch with Bianca, although she is still pretty stressed about journalists following her and Vittorio around and stuff. And I gather that Romeo laid into her on Liam's behalf for flaunting her wedding. I wonder if Liam will ever come back to the Bay after everything that's happened.

One thing she did admit though, is that she isn't completely sure she is doing the right thing by marrying Vittorio. I couldn't stop myself from suggesting that maybe she is in love with Liam and then she got all flustered and said Irene caught her out regarding him too earlier today.

And according to Nicole, through Ruby, things seem to have settled back down with Romeo and Indi again. I can't keep up with those two, to be honest but as far as I can gather, they planned to sleep together but it didn't happen and then things got a bit weird between them. Romeo, who seems particularly naïve when it comes to romance, considering his name, turned to Nicole about it. He followed her advice and let Indi avoid him until she was ready to talk things through.

And I gather Indi bent her ear about it too – as if the poor girl has had that much luck in the romance department herself! There was that guy her mother was dating, then pyscho Elliot, then the whole Geoff fiasco and then she got so hurt by Trey, then Aden broke her heart and now Penn seems like a wrong 'un as well. But anyway, I'm not really one to talk. At least with Nicole, not much of it was her fault.

But I digress! The conclusion is the story is that they have opted to take things more slowly and they both seem happy with it. Hooray!

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 14<strong>**th**** October**

**22:45**

**Home**

It's been a pretty long day at work, followed by dinner with Ruby at the restaurant. I haven't seen all that much of her this week. I guess we've both been consumed by our own stuff. Namely, I can't seem to stop rereading Joey's messages and trying to figure out exactly what she meant. I do realise that the simple thing to do would be to ask her but hey, I've never done things the easy way. I guess I'm afraid of getting too heavy and rocking the boat in case I scare her off. I know it's a big deal for her to even text me after everything we've been through so I don't want to overstep the mark.

Anyway, Ruby seems to be doing really well at the moment. With Xavier's help, she's properly settled back into school, although term will be ending soon enough. She's been propelled by Mitzy's predicition about her love life – although I have some sad news about her to share in a second – and she seems a lot more positive about life again. She doesn't even seem to miss Liam now that he's gone and her hatred of Bianca also seems to have dissipated. I'm really happy that she's regained control of her life.

But yes, the sad news of the day is that Mitzy died. Obviously I don't know the details and it's not polite to ask but things seemed pretty tense between her, Marilyn and Sid for a while there and I'm not entirely sure if they made peace before she died. Apparently Mitzy confessed at the last minute that she made up Marilyn's end date because she knew she had a brain tumour and didn't want to die alone. That's possibly one of the saddest things I've ever heard – from both perspectives. Poor Marilyn is devastated.

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 15<strong>**th**** October**

**17:04**

**Home**

Apparently we are having a Packing Weekend and it's Team Rosetta/Buckton all the way. I had no say in this of course but Angelo thinks I'm slacking in the packing department each time he comes round here so he and Ruby are ganging up on me to get things moving. No pun intended, of course.

Anyway, they've gone to get boxes but will be back soon. Sometimes I can't believe I'm really doing this. Hang on, Leah's knocking on my bedroom door.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 17<strong>**th**** October**

**23:06**

**Home**

Well, it really has been a packing bonanza this weekend and I'm shattered. How did I acquire this much stuff!? But anyway, the bulk of it is done and we had quite a laugh doing it – lots of chatting and stuff.

Angelo and I had a few moments where I thought he was going to pick a fight on me. There were just these snatched seconds when I caught him looking at me and I was sure he could tell by my face that I'm not sure about living with him. But he didn't say anything and obviously I wasn't going to raise any issues either.

Leah was in on Friday night so she helped us and we had a couple of bottles of wine – once I'd checked Ruby was okay with alcohol being consumed around her. She was cool with it and at times, it felt like the old days when we just loved each other and had fun.

Leah spent the day time on Friday helping Romeo and Indi. Apparently part of Indi's issue recently has been that she hasn't quite recovered from her mother running off with her boyfriend, Owen. Well, you wouldn't, would you? I mean, I don't think I'm about to win any Mother of the Year awards but I'd never hurt my daughter like that. Never. How could Jodi do it?

But anyway, Leah helped Romeo and Indi draft and email to Jodi to express Indi's feelings about the situation and hopefully get some sort of closure. I hope it worked. And I hope that things between Indi and Romeo are going better than poor Dex's love life. Ruby nipped out for takeaway lunch today and brought back the news that he went on a date with a girl from the pet shop and it went so badly that she basically told him never to call her again! How rude! I mean, what could he have done so wrong!? The kid's a bit awkward but he's still perfectly nice. Maybe he'd make a nice, innocent boyfriend for Ruby one day…

I'm rambling again, aren't I? Yes, we had a good time. The bulk of our stuff – mine and Ruby's is packed and were now under a week away from moving into Tony and Rachel's old place with Angelo. Yay?

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Angelo, Charlie and Ruby move in together but two are more excited than one, Ruby begins driving lessons and friction rumbles on between Alf and Penn…<em>


	127. Chapter 127

**Chapter One Hundred and Twenty Seven**

**Monday 18****th**** October**

**09:23**

**The Beach**

I just thought I'd catch some sun before I head to work. I can't believe we're moving house on Saturday. Everyone seems to be looking forward to it more than I am but I'm trying to think as positively about it as possible. It's a new start, a first step… Life has to go in a direction, right? It can't always just stay the same. This is a good thing. It totally is. And one day, I'll have evidence to prove it!

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 19<strong>**th**** October**

**19:00**

**Work**

I've just finished my shift and I'm psyching myself to head over to the restaurant to having dinner with the proprieter. He's so excited about this move and dragged me over to the house today to take yet another look around. As if we haven't seen it before! We had friends that lived there!

But anyway, he's all eager and planning where things are going to go and everything. I'm glad that he's more of a homemaker than me. I pretty much suck at things like this and especially when I'm not that into the idea in the first place. And that's pretty ironic since I'm the one who came up with it.

Ruby is excited too. I think she's craving some sort of traditional life now that I'm her mother and not her sister. I guess she wants me to have a partner who'll play the second parent and everything. I just wish that that partner could have been Joey. And I genuinely think that Ruby would have accepted her just as willingly. If only I hadn't realised these things too late…

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 20<strong>**th**** October**

**19:54**

**Home**

I just got in after another long shift. I only have one more day and then I'm off for a bit to get the move out of the way and get Ruby, Angelo and I all settled in our new place. Gosh, that is such a scary thought! How did I end up in this position again!?

Anyway, I'm pretty shattered so I think I'm just going to unwind with a glass of wine. Leah's home and so is Ruby so I might suggest a DVD or some trash TV or something. These girls' nights are likely to be in short supply once we've moved out. I wonder if Leah will let us come back if it doesn't work out…

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 21<strong>**st**** October**

**16:30**

**The Beach**

I'm somewhere between leaving work and going to the restaurant to hang out with Angelo for a bit. Ruby is going to join us for a bit of dinner and then we're going home to carry on packing. I feel a bit bad that I haven't helped Angelo like he has helped but he says he doesn't need it. He doesn't actually have that much stuff by the sounds of it. And I don't have that much actual household stuff. So that means we'll probably have to go shopping. Is it wrong to panic that it means we'll be buying stuff _together_? I mean, who gets custody of the cutlery if it doesn't work out!?

Today was Mitzy's funeral and I hear that Marilyn took it very hard. It sounds like Mitzy didn't have family support so it was all down to her friend to give her a proper send off. I really hope Marilyn is okay and that Sid is taking proper care of her. She must be a mess right about now. I don't really know her that well but everything I have seen of her, I like. She's one of those people that has such a sunny disposition, you just have to smile when you're around her.

I gather there was some sort of altercation between Alf and Penn in the Diner. I don't know exactly what's going on between them but I do know people are worried. And if Alf has a problem with someone, the chances are they're a wrong 'un. I just hope Penn isn't too much of one.

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 22<strong>**nd**** October**

**23:56**

**Home**

It's been a weird kind of day really. Ruby finally persuaded me to take her out for a driving lesson. She has been badgering me about it for ages and ages and I finally gave in. I tried to explain several times that after Dad tried to teach me, we didn't actually speak again for a week but she was not to be deterred. And well, I guess everyone knows by now that I'll do anything to make her happy, especially after everything that's happened over the past couple of years. She found out I was her Mum and that I gave her up and lived a lie. She ended up in rehab. Things definitely haven't been easy. I'm just hoping that 2011 will be a better year for us. I mean, it can't get worse than it has been, can it? And Powers That Be, that is not a challenge, by the way!

I let Ruby have the day off school so that we could round up all our packing and make sure that tomorrow goes as smoothly as possible. Nicole came round and helped, which was really kind of her and when Ruby wasn't nagging me, we actually had a bit of a laugh together. And I hear on the grapevine that poor Dex had a less good day when he ended up walking out on the first date he's had since his brief dalliance with Annie last year.

Anyway, I eventually gave in and early this evening, I sat with her while letting her take the car out. I was kindly explaining everything and what did what and how you did things when _she _lost her temper with _me_! And we'd barely even got started too!

I believe that she referred to me as a robot and said she was longing for 'the old Charlie' back. Someone who got angry with her when necessary, showed frustration… I think she might have been calling me a bad tempered bitch! But anyway, she seemed to worry that I've lost myself somewhere along the way and to be honest, I kind of have. I'm not really the person I used to think I was. Maybe it's because I've pushed myself into a commitment I don't feel ready to make. Or maybe it's because I know I'll never have the kind of happiness I once had with Joey ever again. Maybe everything in me is telling me that moving in with Angelo tomorrow is a disaster waiting to happen. I don't know. But I feel a bit sad that Rubes picked up on whatever it is.

She expressed worry that things will change between us when we move in with Angelo but I promised they wouldn't. I hope that it's a promise I can keep. And the rest of the lesson went surprisingly well.

Well, I'm all packed up and ready to go and it's nearly tomorrow, which will be a really long day so I really ought to close now and try to get some sleep. Tomorrow, everything changes.

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 23<strong>**rd**** October**

**22:13**

**My New Home**

Well, Ruby, Angelo and I have all officially moved in together and if I hoped this terrible anxiety would lift from my throat, I was wrong. Having heaved boxes around all day, we were all exhausted but Angelo insisted that he and I christen our room anyway. The last thing I wanted to do was get into a row on our first night here so I agreed and he promptly fell asleep afterwards, which is where I left him. I'm now hiding out on the couch trying to calm my mind a bit before I try and go to sleep. This whole thing still feels very scary and I guess this week is going to be a lot of 'firsts a couple that lives together do'. I just hope I can cope!

Earlier today I nearly went into a full blown panic again when Alf suggested that marriage and babies could be the next step. There is no way I'm ready for something like that! No way! I'm finding it stressful enough just to move in with Angelo and sort of let him parent Ruby. There is no way I'm starting a family with him and marriage would be about a hundred years down the line, if not longer.

I had a chat with Leah about it all before we started hauling boxes and she was really sweet and encouraging, promising me that everything would be okay. And I reluctantly agreed to Ruby's suggestion of a house warming. We haven't talked about it as such but I think she knows how scared I am about this house move and I think she's trying to keep me calm. It's nice that she cares and that she understands, even only a little bit.

She was chattering away while we moved. Apparently Indi has tried to make contact with her mother, which I think is pretty brave considering what happened between them. Or specifically, what happened between Indi's mother and Indi's boyfriend! And I gather there has been some tension between her and Romeo because he has been in touch with Annie or something. I'm not sure of the details. Oh and heard Sid has been really good to Marilyn over Mitzy's death, which is nice.

But anyway, it's pretty late now and I've been moving ridiculous numbers of boxes all day. We gave up and had a takeaway tonight and then tomorrow morning, we have to go out and buy housey things and food. I'm not desperately looking forward to it. But I need to put my game face on so I shall say goodnight.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 24<strong>**th**** October**

**15:09**

**Home**

It's been another pretty long day. Angelo and Ruby were both excited about going shopping and I thought I was going to throw up every time Angelo swooned over how we are a proper couple now that we owned things together _and _lived together. I must have been some shade of puce by the time we were done.

We all spent the rest of the day unpacking everything and I'm at least relieved that one of us – Angelo – has an eye for detail and making things nice. I did have some ideas but I gather they weren't good enough so I have pretty much stayed out of it and just worked on dealing with my own stuff. Angelo wanted to help me with all that as well but I wanted to keep some stuff for myself. Plus, I've been trying to find a place for my Joey Box. Yes, I know I should have got rid of it but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I've put it in 'my' drawer and I'm hoping he won't find it there. I mean, why would he be rooting around in my underwear drawer anyway?

He's cooking dinner now and I'm in our room just trying to get some space and some peace. It's only been twenty four hours and I already feel suffocated. This was a terrible, terrible idea.

In other news, I gather there has been some more upset between Romeo and Indi – something to do with a letter from Annie. Gina appears to be trying to avoid John, which must be hard now that they live together. She still thinks that he only proposed to her because of his heart attack. Apparently he is even considering moving out. Shandi and Miles are still spending a lot of time together and she is trying to spend some more time with John. And that's your daily roundup of the news in Summer Bay.

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Charlie, Angelo and Ruby adjust to living together, Robertson returns to the Bay to investigate a disappearance and Ruby begins professional driving lessons and gets a new crush…<em>


	128. Chapter 128

_Thank you again for your patience with updates! I hope you enjoy the chapter. Love, IJKS xxx_

**Chapter One Hundred and Twenty Eight**

**Monday 25****th**** October**

**11:45**

**Home**

I'm kind of over this being off work malarkey. I want to be back at work, not sorting out bedding patterns! But Angelo has turned into a domestic goddess and he's all excited about where things should go and how everything should look. I know I should be throwing myself into it all too but mostly I'm just finding it all a bit irritating. That sounds terrible, doesn't it? Well, at least Angelo seems to be enjoying himself. And I'm back at work in a few days anyway.

In other news, I gather that John has moved out from Gina's after his marriage proposal went so awry. I really hope they work it out though. He's become a much nicer person under her influence! Goodness, it seems that even Xavier wants them to be together!

* * *

><p><strong>Monday 25<strong>**th**** October**

**18:44**

**Home**

It's been an okay day, all in all. Angelo was a bit annoying playing house but I guess the quicker we get it all done, the quicker things will become more normal. He's making dinner right now and singing rather out of tune in the kitchen. I'm languishing on the sofa. One thing that _is _good about this set up is that I get dinner served up to me on a plate!

I gather that Dex's latest attempts at wooing that Adrian girl didn't work out so well. I think she walked out on him or something! Ruby came home from school full of all the gossip, of course.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 26<strong>**th**** October**

**14:30**

**The Diner**

Well, I came to the Diner this lunch time to have a scheduled lunch with Bianca and somehow or other, Angelo convinced himself that he was invited too. I hope I didn't show my disappointment at having him ambush our girlie lunch. He certainly didn't seem to notice that he was a bit of a spare part. The whole point of the lunch was because I had expressed some anxiety about the move and I know she is anxious about the impending wedding. So the idea was that we could chat and everything and kind of help each other a bit. But of course we couldn't discuss half the stuff we wanted to with Angelo there.

It was pleasant enough anyway and I'm just staying here for a bit while Angelo just checks everything is okay at the restaurant. He seems convinced that the whole place will fall apart if he's not there for a few days! Not that I'm one to talk, I'm itching to get back to work. I keep hearing on the grapevine that there's something going on with Penn and I'm pretty worried about it.

Colleen is mostly full of chatter and excitement about Summer Bay's first 'Royal Wedding' but she did happen to mention to me that Penn has been exhibiting threatening behaviour and told her yesterday that every bad thing she had heard about him was true. She seems pretty worried about it.

I've seen Leah briefly, although she was pretty busy and stressed. She's preparing to go Africa to visit Leah. It feels weird not to be with her, helping her at home and stuff. I've said I'll look in on the house and everything while she and VJ are away though. She seemed grateful for that.

Anyway, Angelo is back so I'd better stop writing and return to domestic bliss…

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 27<strong>**th**** October**

**22:16**

**Home**

What a damn day! I am so glad I'm back at work tomorrow. I need to have my uniform on and get things back on track again before Penn Graham wreaks any more havoc in this town. I just wished someone had told me about this sooner!

Well, until earlier, I thought the worst thing to happen today was that Ruby ran Penn over during a driving lesson. I was hesitant to take her out after last time so Angelo offered to do it instead. I wasn't keen exactly but I know he wants to take on some more step-fatherly duties and Ruby was up for it so I decided to let them go.

During the lesson, she accidentally ran Penn down. He staggered away from the scene before they even really had a chance to check on him but the whole thing left Ruby pretty shaken. She has now decided that she needs a proper teacher, preferably in a duel controlled car, which is a relief, as far as I'm concerned. I think it dented Angelo's pride a bit though.

He opted to spend the afternoon at the restaurant and snapped at me that I really ought to do more to settle us in the house and not turn him into 'some sort of girl' by making him be the domestic one. I opted not to argue with him so I have been busying myself with stuff. And I have to admit that I enjoyed it a bit more without him there. Anyone reading this will really think I'm a terrible girlfriend! Please don't be reading this…

Anyway, he came back full of all this news I had no idea was even happening. Just this afternoon he, Alf, Sid and some guy called Will (who used to live in the Bay a few years ago, got married, had a baby and left, is now separated and has taken his daughter and moved back in with Irene) had some sort of meeting over how to get rid of Penn. We had a mild debate about it. A lynch mob really isn't what we need here! That's how things get nasty – just look at what happened on Australia Day this year!

But anyway, Penn came in and wound Alf up and Angelo and Sid pretty much had to restrain him, he was so angry. I can hardly imagine it, to be honest. Apparently a few weeks ago, Penn warned John that he owed him for saving his life after the heart attack and since then, John has made a point of avoiding him but ended up threatening him yesterday.

Also yesterday, Alf's house was trashed with a very obvious culprit and Miles ended up hitting Penn after he threatened his family! In turn, Penn has now also threatened Sid and Marilyn and apparently Alf has agreed to talk to me about an AVO but has he? No! Maybe he was waiting for me to be on duty or something but honestly, I would have thought for something like this, he would have sought me out. How can I help anyone if I don't know what the situation is?!

Anyway, enough about all that. The other news of the day is that Leah and VJ have been safely deposited at the airport for their flight to Africa. She has promised to call either me or Miles when she gets there so we know all is well. I just hope this trip goes well and she and Elijah can work things out. They made such a lovely couple.

Oh, and I gather that Shandi has dropped Miles like a hot potato and is hanging around with this Will guy. I said she was a slut, didn't I?

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 29<strong>**th**** October**

**21:02**

**Home**

What a hell of a few days! My last entry didn't feel like it at the time but it was actually the calm before the storm. I hit the ground running as soon as I got to work yesterday morning as Penn has now disappeared, leaving only a blood trail in his wake. I think it's a bit premature to call it a murder investigation but honestly, it's not looking good. Robertson is being drafted in from the city to help investigate, which I'm sure will be a joy. That was sarcasm, by the way! Just in case it wasn't coming across.

Angelo is being surprisingly patient about it, although I guess he was a cop once and more than anyone, he probably understands the pressures of that line of work. He's been really sweet actually and timed finishing his shifts to get home and make sure I eat a meal and he's actually been very pleasant. I think he's a bit cranky over me writing my diary and doesn't really understand why it's so important to me but it is. I like to document my life. I don't want to miss anything.

So yes, on Wednesday night, a maid showed up in Penn's hotel room, only to find him gone but a pool of blood present. We started on the scene first thing this morning – talk about breaking myself in gently after my time off! It's pretty much been chaos and the fact that Penn's driving licence and wallet and stuff have been left behind, suggests he didn't leave the room voluntarily.

We could have a list of suspects as long as your arm after the way he has been behaving, including my boyfriend, including that new guy, Will and even including Alf Stewart – the stalwart of Summer Bay! Could things get any more complicated? Everyone seems to have had a reason to hate him – including Miles, Sid, Nicole… well, everyone!

I can't say Angelo was terribly impressed with my conclusion but I can only deal with the evidence in front of me and the truth is that on the day Penn went missing, he, Sid, Alf and Will all plotted to try and find a way to get rid of him. I'm sure that at least four of them – or maybe two and a half – are completely innocent but they haven't helped themselves.

Anyway, the blood results came back and it's a definite match to Penn so the chances are that he didn't get out of that hotel room alive, or if he did, he was severely maimed. I'm not ready to call it a murder investigation just yet but I have called in for reinforcements and Robertson is on his way.

I brought Alf into the station yesterday just for an informal chat but I can tell he doesn't trust me. I can't blame him. Thanks to Penn, he nearly got charged with assault recently and this could be so much worse. But I would hope that he knows me both as a person and as a cop enough to know that I just want to get justice, however that might turn out. And although I don't confess to bias – like I told Angelo last year, when I have this uniform on, I have no friends – I don't believe for a second that Alf could hurt or kill anybody. And now, still with an open mind, I need to find a way to prove that, if at all possible.

Well, that's pretty much all I've had time for these last couple of days. I'm glad to be back at work but with so much on the line, the next few weeks are going to be tough. I just hope that Alf doesn't get dragged too far into this mess and that Penn will show up safe and well. I'm not a particular fan of the guy but at least it means we won't be dealing with a murder investigation. Anyway, Robertson is coming tomorrow and although he is extremely irritating, he's also a very good Detective and right now, it feels like this station needs all the help it can get.

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 30<strong>**th**** October**

**23:05**

**Home**

Okay, today didn't seem to get any better than yesterday or the day before that. Robertson arrived with a young woman, Detective Graves as his sidekick and I had _almost _forgotten how obnoxious he was until I saw him again! He's a good cop but he's a nightmare to work with. Still, at least this time around, I'm not a suspect myself and I can make sure I do my very best to get to the bottom of this situation. They removed me and my team from Penn's hotel room immediately to do a sweep of their own, which got my back up but I guess at least I can't accuse them of not being thorough!

The only thing we missed were some sequins on the floor, which seem like very small things – in all respects – but Robertson believes they're significant. And he probably has a point. But maybe if we'd been given some more time, we'd have found those ourselves!

Anyway, Robertson's one moment of weakness seemed to be when he learned that Leah has gone off to Africa to try and work things out with Elijah. I have to admit to feeling a bit sorry for him as it's very evident that he's had feelings for her all this time. Oh, and I gather that Dex is smitten with Graves now! For a boy that never has a girlfriend, he sure goes through his crushes, doesn't he!?

My main job of the day was to put a file together on the case for Robertson to go through front to back so that we can all find our way through everything. Well, specifically, I had to put together a file about Alf, who I fear is Robertson's prime suspect. Although, who could ever know what that man is really thinking? I confided in Angelo about it and he… listened. In the meantime, Robertson decided that my file proved Alf's history with Penn and went to discuss it with him. I'm just desperately clinging onto the fact that no body has shown up yet and it might not be a case of murder.

Unfortunately, Nicole came home during the interview and when Alf put a stop to Robertson interrogating her about the needle incident, it seemed to only prove to him that he would do anything it took to protect his family. Oh Alf, please don't have done anything wrong. I know you didn't. Please just help me prove it.

In other news, Ruby started proper driving lessons with her instructor and I'm pleased but also a bit worried because she seems to have a crush on him already. It's strange how we're so opposite really. I'm so guarded and don't let people get emotionally close to me. The one time I really did, I screwed up so badly that I lost the love of my life. And now I have to spend each and every day missing her. But Ruby hands her heart out so willingly, no matter how many times she gets hurt.

She was smitten with that guy when she was at boarding school, she had that awkward crush on Miles and completely trusted Matthew without even knowing who he was, she instantly adored Xavier no matter how much he messed her around, then she fell deeply in love with Geoff, then flung back to Xavier before ditching him and developing a drink problem because of her infatuation with Liam. I wish she would protect herself a bit more. But at least I can be here now to pick up the pieces.

Apparently he's a young guy called Alex and they got along really well, although he turned her down for a coffee date as he had another lesson to go to. I just hope he isn't a creep or isn't going to take advantage of her or anything hideous like that. She needs a nice boy who'll treat her with love and respect.

She's been all eager for love ever since that Mitzy woman made the prediction that she will soon find 'the one'. And on that vein, she is all pleased to report that Romeo and Indi really seem to be making a go of it. There was some sort of upset over a letter from Annie but he's since told Indi that he's in love with her so it seems like he has really drawn a line under his previous relationship. If only I could do the same, hey? Oh, and things may or may not be improving between Gina and John.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 31<strong>**st**** October**

**13:42**

**Work**

I think I've really fucked up this time and dropped Alf in it. But I just don't know what else I could have done, you know? On the one hand, I totally believe in Alf and consider him a friend. But on the other hand, I'm a police officer and I have to be completely honest with the man in charge of the investigation I'm working on. What else could I have done?

Basically, Alf came to see me this morning, worried about Nicole getting caught up in the investigation, I presume because of what happened yesterday. He told me that the reason Penn hates him is because back in the day, he had a relationship with a woman called Tulip, Penn's mother. Tulip killed herself after their relationship ended and Penn has hated Alf for 'causing her death' ever since. Apparently, the whole reason he came to Summer Bay was to destroy Alf, which I guess explains some stuff.

Alf asked me to keep quiet about it but I couldn't. I had to tell Robertson. Alf was dragged in for another interview and subsequently thinks that I betrayed him. I want this case wrapped up as quickly as possible and I want to ensure that Alf is not held responsible for something he didn't do. To lie about this and for him to lie about it too won't help the situation. It'll make him look guilty if he is trying to hide things and he isn't guilty. I know that. But right now, I doubt he'll ever even talk to me again and that makes me so sad.

Well, I guess I can't keep fretting. I've got work to do and my break is nearly over.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 31<strong>**st**** October**

**17:30**

**Work**

In theory I'm about to finish my shift but I migh be required to stay longer as right now, Robertson is over at the caravan park, searching Nicole's bedroom for a possible sequin match. I hope to God that he doesn't find anything. I've been panicking about Alf but what if poor Nicole finds herself in the frame? I can't think that she'd do anything like this either – whatever this actually is. I know she doesn't have an alibi for the night Penn disappeared. She says she was studying home alone that night.

But in better news, I did get a chance to chat to Alf on his way out and I think he's softening into understanding about me having to tell Robertson what he said. I explained the necessity of it and made sure he knew I believed in him so I am hoping things will be better from here. And I hope more than that that we can prove his (and Nicole's) innocence.

Also in better news, that Will Smith guy has returned. He remains a suspect in my mind, considering he buggered off for a few days after Penn disappeared. He's back now apparently so I imagine that he will be next on our interview list. He's hanging out a lot with Slutty Shandi as well and I don't trust her either. Can you tell!?

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 31<strong>**st**** October**

**23:11**

**Home**

I just had a massive fight with Angelo. Thank goodness for renting a house with a spare room. If I had to lay beside him tonight, I might smother him in his sleep.

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Charlie's work continues to put pressure on her home life, Ruby's crush hits a brick wall and Bianca wavers over her engagement to Vittorio…<em>


	129. Chapter 129

**Chapter One Hundred and Twenty Nine**

**Monday 1****st**** November 2010**

**18:19**

**Work**

It's been another long day, after not much sleep, thanks to my fight with Angelo. He got into a strop because of Alf being taken in for questioning after I told Robertson about his tangled history with Penn. You'd think as a former cop, he would understand the position I was in but he didn't even try. Then, maybe he's a former cop for a reason.

He was so angry with me, ranting and raving about loyalty and friendship, as if I had a choice over what happened. I argued that Alf had understood and that I didn't understand why he couldn't be the same. Anyway, it escalated and got a bit personal. He called me an ice queen with no feelings and I called him the crappiest cop on the planet and said that no wonder he lost his uniform with the way he flouts the rules on every whim he chooses. He stormed to bed and I set up camp in the spare room.

I left before breakfast this morning and grabbed something at the Diner instead and I haven't spoken to him all day. I knew living together was going to be a disaster! Didn't I say it would be?! At least when we argued before, we could go to our own homes and cool off. Now, my shift has finished and I'm hiding out in my office, writing in here. And I dread to think about the effect all of this will have on Ruby, having to deal with us fighting all the time. And I have no doubt at all that this one will be the first of many. I'm already sick of all of this.

We haven't made any real progress with the case yet. It's still a case of trying to find Penn and interviewing anyone that might have had anything to do with his disappearance. I'm just relieved that I'm not leading the investigation and aside from when it comes to my delightful boyfriend, Robertson should be taking most of the flack. And that trainee Detective is quite sweet, the way she hangs on his every word. I guess he's quite charismatic in an annoying kind of way.

We're all meeting tomorrow. I want to push things away from Alf and focus on that Will guy. He disappeared right after Penn did and now he's hanging around with that Shandi slut, who has apparently ditched Miles pretty quickly and has so far expressed very little interest in getting to know John, the father she supposedly came to Summer Bay for. Hey, maybe we should be focussing our investigation on her too, although I do understand I'll have to take a step back there. I already hate the woman. I admit that.

Anyway, I guess I have to go home and face the music…

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 2<strong>**nd**** November**

**08:32**

**Work**

I can already tell that's it going to be another long day. Angelo and I sort of made up last night but things are still pretty tense between us and I don't know when they'll get better. We shared our room last night but I slipped out early to come to work. At least I have the excuse of a massive case to work on, otherwise, we'd probably end up in another row.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 2<strong>**nd**** November**

**21:20**

**Home**

Things seem to be a bit calmer at home and the three of us had dinner together this evening. Angelo's watching TV and I'm sitting at the table, writing in here.

It was another tricky day at work. Things seem to be getting harder rather than easier at the moment. I just hope we're able to reach a conclusion soon.

I gather that the day started with Robertson interrogating Nicole about sequins. Alf arrived back and he seems particularly worried about the effect everything is having on his family. I just feel so sorry for everyone.

Of all the people not talking to the police right now, one person started singing like a canary today, which is helpful. Normally Colleen shooting her mouth off is annoying but she was great when Robertson came to interview her. I gather she was quick to update him on Leah visiting Elijah, of course but also spoke about the needle incident. She told him that Penn confessed everything to her about the things he's been doing to Summer Bay for the past few weeks and also that he was the one who set her up for that theft earlier in the year. She also said that Penn loaned money to Angelo for the restaurant, which I hadn't actually known about. But I think I will let that one lie for now.

Robertson's next stop was Miles, who told him about the vigilante meeting but he and Alf have both denied any knowledge of this Tulip woman. I know Alf's lying about it but I'm not exactly sure what I'm meant to do. This is a man I totally believe in. I don't want to feed him to the wolves. But if he's hiding something, there has to be a reason, right…?

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 3<strong>**rd**** November**

**23:39**

**Home**

As ever, it's been a really long day. And it's times like these that I long to not have stuffed up my life and be coming home to Joey. I think she would have been the kindest, most supportive partner ever – the perfect person to come home to at the end of a difficult shift. Instead, I have Angelo, who was in a bad mood when I came home, ate, and then had to go out again to see Bianca.

I know I've only known Bianca for a little while and that I might have had a teeny, tiny crush on her when she first arrived, but she's proved to be such a good friend. And she's going through a pretty hard time lately. And I know she wouldn't have called so late if she didn't need me so of course I was going to rush out to be with her.

She's been very lost in her renewed engagement to Vitorrio and it sounds like she is having a lot of doubts. We met up on the beach and she told me that she got really paranoid earlier today when she saw Vittorio smile at a waitress in the Diner. Since then, or maybe for longer, actually, she hasn't been able to get his previous infidelity out of her mind.

She spent some time earlier in the day, talking to April about everything. But April's biased because she doesn't want them to be together anyway. Still, she gave good advice and told her that she either has to forgive and forget or walk away. That's pretty much what I said too. It's the only choice, really. She says that she wants a future with him but can't quite seem to trust him either. I can identify. I trust Angelo – for the most part, although the whole Shandi thing shook me up – and I want a future with him but there's something I will never be quite sure about. I know in my heart that he's not 'the one' and most people would wait for that person to show up instead of taking second best but the thing is, my 'one' has already been and gone.

Anyway, I digress as usual. Vittorio seems adamant that he and Bianca will be happily married but she doesn't seem so sure. She got all jealous again this evening when she saw him flirting with staff at the hotel he was staying in. The idea was that they were going to get intimate together at the hotel tonight but when things got heavy, she backed out of spending the night with him. That was when she called me.

She was pretty upset and we spent a fair while talking about everything. I don't think her mind is at rest and it won't be until she's settled whether she really wants to marry this guy or not. I really feel for her. He has apologised again for cheating on her but I don't know if it's something she can actually get over.

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 4<strong>**th**** November**

**14:53**

**Work**

It's been a fairly busy day at work so far but I managed to have lunch with Ruby. She was a little despondent as Alex postponed her driving lesson until later this afternoon. She had squeezed on in during her lunch break, which was followed by a free period but she has to have the lesson after school now. She seems very into the driving so I am glad she's doing it but I do still worry about this affection she has for her teacher. It's not like she doesn't have previous… I think she'd still probably kill me if she ever knew I'd kissed Miles!

But anyway, a big concern of hers was that Angelo and I aren't happy and that we've barely been a week in our new home before I spent the night in the spare room. I had kind of hoped she wouldn't notice but I guess that was a bit unrealistic. Anyway, I assured her that we were both adjusting to living together and that it had only been about my current investigation anyway. I said that I think Angelo has forgotten what it's like to be a cop and his protectiveness of Alf means that he lacked some understanding when it came to how some things are proceeding. I hope I allayed any fears she had. I just wish I could allay my own.

She told me that Xavier and April are desperately trying to get John and Gina back together. John still wants to marry Gina but she seems adamant that she needs to stay away from him, which is a shame.

And in other romantic news, Dex is apparently besotted with Graves. I don't know if she's actually interested in him but he's been trying to impress her. I gather he even visited her at the station yesterday, something which seemed to be of interest to Robertson. But I'm not even going to try and analyse any of his though processes.

I caught up very briefly with Bianca on my way from seeing Ruby at the Diner, back to work. She and Vittorio are feeling awkward with each other and she seems to be really struggling. She's denied it until she's blue in the face and I'm certainly not going to press the issue but I'd be shocked if Liam wasn't a factor in all of this.

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 4<strong>**th**** November**

**19:01**

**Home**

I got back home about an hour ago and Angelo has decided that we'll spend the evening together if it kills us! He finished his shift at the restaurant early and came home to cook for us and Ruby so I'm happy to let him. I don't want to fight with him. So, if he wants to treat me to wine and a home cooked meal, I'm happy. I just thought I would sit and write for a quick minute before the evening of delight begins.

I admit to being more than a little concerned about Ruby and this Alex guy. She got scolded by Miles for not concentrating at school and I have no doubt that she was swooning. I am almost envious of how besotted she can get so quickly. But it's a big worry too. I don't want my baby to get hurt. Apparently, he's told her that he can't have a romantic relationship with a student but then he said something about how she'll pass her test quickly and then they would be free to pursue something if they wanted to. I'm really not sure about this guy!

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 5<strong>**th**** November**

**22:20**

**Home**

It's been a pretty long day, followed by an even longer evening. Ruby is currently heartbroken so with Angelo working, he suggested I brought her to the restaurant for dinner and, more importantly, dessert. He was rushed off his feet so we didn't actually see that much of him but I didn't mind it. Broken hearts usually require some girl time.

It turns out that Alex was just fobbing Ruby off and all along, he had a girlfriend and wasn't interested in her. She's bereft, not least because this was the guy she thought Mitzy had seen in her prediction before she died. I made all the right noises and did everything I could to be supportive and understanding. She's pretty upset about it though and feels understandably awkward because he is still teaching her how to drive. I gather that's how it started – against Nicole's sound advice, she didn't wait for him to make the first move and suggested getting a new instructer so that they could go out on a date. And he basically made it crystal clear that he's only interested in being her teacher. I feel very sad for her but relieved at the same time. I think it's natural for me to be cautious about anyone interested (or not, as the case may be) in my daughter, isn't it?

I caught up with Bianca briefly at lunch time and she's still riding that emotional roller coaster. Yesterday, Vittorio decided that if she didn't want to be with him, he would return to Italy and his plan was to leave there and then. She decided she wanted to be with him after all and begged him not to leave. She assured him that she didn't want to be with Liam and that she could forgive and forget and make things work between herself and Vitorrio. He decided to leave anyway so she ended up making an impassioned plea, which led them to getting… well, impassioned!

The only thing is that today, she's struggling again. While she was getting it on with Vittorio, Liam was calling her and left a voice mail declaring his love for her. He asked her to call him back by the end of today so that he can know whether to move on or not. She hasn't told anyone but me about it (which makes me feel kind of special) but now she's questioning her commitment to Vittorio all over again. I can only imagine how I would feel if after all this time, Joey called to leave a message like that when I'm trying to make things work with Angelo. Hang on, that's _all _I want. I'm not sure that it's relevant to Bianca's dilemma… Where was I again?

Right! Liam left Bianca a voice mail and it sent her into a spin. She's told April that she is 100% committed to Vittorio and is going to marry him but I gather she hasn't actually deleted the message yet. I'd be surprised if there wasn't more turmoil to come before they walk down the ailse, if they even get there.

I heard on the grapevine that Irene has been really strung out with Will and his daughter, Lily. Apparently she spoke to his estranged wife, Gypsy, and she said that Will was the one that ruined their marriage. But he's told Irene that it was Gypsy that walked out on him. So, the man is a liar… Noted.

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 6<strong>**th**** November**

**20:02**

**Home**

I get the day off tomorrow and I am so relieved. I feel like I've been working so flat out with the case that I haven't even had time to breathe. That, added to the pressure of Ruby being heartbroken and Angelo firstly throwing his toys out of the pram and then secondly, trying to make things right.

I think I forgot to mention the other night when he made me dinner. We had a nice meal and chat and things feel a bit nicer now so I am hoping that it will last. I really can't take living in a war zone, especially not at the moment. I really miss the peace of living with Leah.

She called this morning to say that she was having a good time away in Africa with VJ and Elijah. She didn't elaborate on how things were going but I am looking forward to catching up on all the news when she gets home. I'm going to go and check on the house tomorrow and make sure everything is in order. I know this is a generally safe town but you can't be too careful, can you? And there is a murderer on the loose, after all.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 7<strong>**th**** November**

**13:30**

**The Beach**

I've actually had a pretty good day so far. Granted, we're only halfway through but I'll take the joy where I can find it! It's been nice just to relax and not have to think about work, although I know I will hit the ground running again tomorrow. I just hope that we can get the case wrapped up quickly, that we find Penn and that people like Alf and Nicole will stop being in the firing line because I _know _they didn't do anything wrong.

I went round to Leah's this morning to check everything was in order and it is. I felt strangely sad while I was there. Nostalgic, I guess. I miss Leah and VJ and I desperately miss living with them. Being with Angelo in Tony and Rachel's old place just doesn't feel like home yet. I'm hoping it will soon but I'm sceptical about it, I must admit. I'm just not settling all that well.

But anyway, I was having a good day. Ruby is coming down here to meet me and we're going to hang out for a bit. She's still feeling pretty low about the whole Alex thing, although I don't think she's plummeted to the depths that she did with Liam. Fortunately, the whole crush thing got nipped in the bud before it really got started, which is a relief. And this time, we're living together and we're closer than we've been ever since she found out I was really her mother. So if and when she struggles, I know I can be there for her properly. And I will be.

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Things remain unsettled between Charlie and Angelo, Penn's disappearance becomes a murder investigation and Roo Stewart returns to the Bay…<em>


	130. Chapter 130

_Hi everyone. I've decided to just update each story once per week, as I am struggling to keep up with daily updates. I'm a little bit… specific, so I'd like to keep things alphabetical and I already did _A Different Way _a few days ago so I'll do this one today and _Road to Somewhere _tomorrow and then I'll be back next week with all three stories. It'll be later in the week next week, as my girlfriend is coming to visit for a few days so please bear with! But hopefully with not trying to update every day, I'll have more time to write both fanfiction and writing that I hope to get published. Anyway, I hope you enjoy the chapter. Love, IJKS xxx_

**Chapter One Hundred and Thirty**

**Monday 8****th**** November**

**20:22**

**Home**

The investigation into Penn's disappearance has now become an investigation into his murder. We still haven't found a body – living or dead – but forensics have come back and concluded that there was so much blood (all from the same, unknown person) in his hotel room that it was unlikely that they survived. Robertson is now rather adamantly going after Alf as his number one suspect and everyone is doing their best not to talk or get him into trouble. I feel so torn between having to do my job and knowing exactly how it feels to be accused of something you didn't do. My head is with the police force because it has to be but my heart is very much with Alf.

We also brought Will in for questioning. I felt a bit bad about it because he was making the effort to spend time with his daughter. I heard from Colleen that Irene has been fretful about their relationship. Apparently, he cheated on his wife so she left him and apparently he hasn't been too connected with his daughter, Lily, since he showed up in Summer Bay. It's a shame really because she seems like a sweet kid. I'm really not sure about her father though.

In better news, Nicole's HIV test results came back today and thankfully, she is in the clear. I'm so relieved and I'm sure everyone else is too. That poor girl must have been going through hell these past weeks waiting for the results. Hopefully with Penn gone (as tasteless as this is going to sound), Nicole can draw a line under that disastrous relationship and move on, leave him behind. I know it's wrong to speak ill of the dead but he was evidently a bastard. I mean, what kind of person gets their girlfriend stuck with a needle!?

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 9<strong>**th**** November**

**21:20**

**Home**

Yes, you guess it, it's been another long day at work. We just don't seem to be getting anywhere with the case. Robertson thinks Alf killed Penn, I think it was Will and I have no idea what that Detective Graves thinks.

Dex has very obvious feelings for her and she totally used that to her advantage today. He sent her flowers today and asked her out on a date. She looked pretty mortified to receive the flowers at work in front of Robertson and I'm pretty sure he's the one that put her up to using him as part of the investigation. She agreed to the date on the premise that it would be a double with Indi and Romeo. On their 'date', I hear that Graves interrogated Romeo so much that Indi thought she was hitting on him.

For his part, Robertson has been continuing to interview people. He went for Marilyn today and then requested a tarot reading. She was thrown, of course, but nothing that man does is ever random. Everything is for a purpose. And the result of this particular activity was that she ended up revealing that she'd had a dream that Alf killed Penn. I think for most people, it would be irrelevant but Marilyn believes she is psychic so she has an investment in that kind of thing and Robertson knows it.

In other news, I gather that things are still tense between Gina and John. Apparently, he bailed out of a council meeting where he was meant to be campaign for this water bottle ban that April started. I heard on the grapevine that he only went because Xavier said that Gina will be there so when she wasn't, he left, only for her to berate him for letting the kids down. Xavier ended up going back to the meeting alone but fortunately, John joined him later and gave a rather passionate plea to the council about the ban. They've voted against the idea but have agreed to installing water fountains around the Bay instead.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 10<strong>**th**** November**

**22:01**

**Home**

Oh, I cannot wait for this damn case to be over. I feel like I'm not a person anymore, just a cop. Looking back through these last entries, I've written hardly anything about my own personal life. Why? Because I don't have one! I've not seen nearly enough of Ruby, although Angelo very kindly provides me with dinner each evening, either at home or at the restaurant. But that's pretty much it. And he's starting to get cranky about it. Honestly, I think he's feeling a bit resentful – partly because he misses being a cop and would have undoubtedly been working on this case with me and partly because I am neglecting him. I know I am. And I feel so bad about it. It's just that I'm up early and home late, working all day and trying to solve Penn's murder.

I spent most of Sunday with him but he was working then too so that was a bit limited, plus I needed to spend time with Ruby. Ugh, why am I justifying myself? He should know more than anyone that police work consumes your life sometimes. I wish Joey was here. She would make life just that little bit more bearable.

But anyway, I spent the day interviewing with Robertson but it feels like we're chasing our tails all the time and not really getting anywhere. I mean, the biggest leads we have are a dream Marilyn had and a sequin we found in the hotel room! Oh, and Dex asked Graves out again, only for her to turn him down and admit that she only agreed the first time for the sake of the investigation. I bet that made the poor guy feel good!

At least some other people's love lives are a bit better than Dex's, which has never started and mine, which just feels a bit difficult at the moment. Okay, _always_. There are no secrets here. I don't think I've been happy since Angelo and I started and I really miss living separately to him. But anyway, Gina and John look like they might be able to work things out after his performance at the council meeting and Romeo and Indi appear to be particularly solid at the moment, after all that awkwardness with Annie's letter. And Sid has asked Marilyn to move into the farm with him, Indi and Dex, which I think is cool. It's nice to see her have some happiness.

But news I am rather less happy about is that Alex the driving instructor has broken up with his girlfriend, thus renewing Ruby's hope that he's the one she's been waiting for all this time. Her enthusiasm for lessons had started to wane after him turning her down but typically, she has renewed enthusiasm for them now and is counting the days between them. I am so worried about her getting her poor heart broken. There is something about this guy that I just don't trust.

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 11<strong>**th**** November**

**17:03**

**Work**

It's been a busy day but I've actually finished work at a decent time so I'm having dinner with Angelo and Ruby and I'm looking forward to spending some proper time with them. Things feel like they have been pretty tense at home recently but I think it's my fault because I haven't been very available lately. So, investigation permitting, I'm going to try and make more of an effort. We've got this far, we may as well keep trying, right?

The big news of the day is that a woman called Roo Stewart arrived in the Bay today. She's Alf's only daughter and was born and raised here before leaving for America when she was a teenager. She is also Martha's long lost mother, which I admit makes me a little suspicious of her arrival. Has she been in touch with Martha and Hugo? Where are they? And was their life worth Angelo giving up his whole career for?

Another big return to the Bay was Liam and… drum roll, please… his new girlfriend, Nina! I briefly ran into Bianca at lunch time and she is understandably thrown by this latest turn of events. I mean, Liam hasn't done anything wrong. Bianca chose Vittorio over him and they're about to get married. Why shouldn't Liam move on with someone new? But I'm more convinced than ever that they want to be together.

I gather that Will has enrolled Lily at school so it looks like they are settling here. Either that or she'll settle with Irene and Will will be languishing in jail for killing Penn. But of course, that's just a theory. My second bet is Shandi but that's just because I hate the bitch and wish she'd leave town so I don't have to see her again and remember that she is the reason I'm living with Angelo when I don't actually want to. Hang on, I think I've gone off track… Where was I? I've completely forgotten.

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 12<strong>**th**** November**

**12:44**

**The Beach**

I'm just on my break from work so I thought I'd take some time out to write. I can still never quite sit here without looking out at the sea and thinking about Joey. I still wonder where she is and what she's doing. I haven't heard from her for a while and I miss her so much. But I can't really get in touch without a proper excuse so I've left her alone. Not in my head though. I still think about her all the time.

Last night, I had a good time with Angelo and Ruby. We sat down as a family at a table in the restaurant and chatted lots. It was nice. They were keen for information about the case and both sulked when I couldn't tell them anything. Angelo told us in minute detail about new menu ideas for the place. And Ruby was full of excitement over her driving lessons and concern that Nicole is convinced she'd failed all her exams. Again. If she has, nobody could really blame her, with everything she's been going through recently with that horrible boyfriend of hers. But it would be a shame for her to have to do her final year for a third time. I really hope she's passed.

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 13<strong>**th**** November**

**13:40**

**The Beach**

I just had to work this morning and I have the afternoon off now, which is a relief. I like having time off on the weekends as it means I usually get to spend a bit of time with Ruby. Obviously, it's Angelo's busiest time at the restaurant but that's okay. We get to spend a bit of time together in the evenings usually and that's good enough for me. I'm still settling into this whole living together malarkey.

I'm juts catching my breath after a hell of a lot of paperwork on the murder investigation and then I'm going shopping with Ruby. She has a sudden desire to buy new clothes (prompted by a driving instructor, by any chance?) so I managed to convince her to do a shopping trip with me. I'm sure she'd prefer to hang out with Nicole or someone but I know full well that (hopefully one of several of) the plus sides of shopping with her mother is that she doesn't have to pay for all that much.

Anyway, I've just spotted Marilyn wandering along the beach looking rather lost. I hope she's okay. I mean, she should be happy about moving in with Sid and the kids, shouldn't she? Not that I'm one to talk. I know if Robertson was here, he'd decide that she had something murder related on her mind but I'm sure she doesn't. And I'm not about to start harassing her.

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 13<strong>**th**** November**

**19:03**

**The Restaurant**

I had a really nice afternoon with Ruby. We did lots of shopping and lots of chatting, which I always really enjoy. I just love spending time with her. I wonder if she has any idea how much I love her, how much she means to me. She'd probably tell me I'm dumb if I told her but maybe I will one day. Maybe I'll find a way.

Anyway, she was full of news about Xavier bonding with John. They're working on some retro car together and in a genuine turnaround, he is absolutely desperate for John and Gina to get back together. It's a vast difference from the boy who had all those tantrums. It's nice that they're more of a family now… presuming Gina and John can make a go of things. Oh, and Gina has given Liam his job back at the school too. That's good news.

I'm here for dinner with Angelo and I gather that Ruby has gone off to the movies with Nicole, Indi and Romeo. I gather they're trying to cheer Nicole up after everything that's happened. I know she's been put in the clear with the HIV results and stuff but everything has been so stressful for her and she really struggled with her exams again this year. Ruby joked that with Romeo and Indi being a couple, it made Nicole her date. She quipped that maybe she was on the turn like I was. It amused me but Angelo caught the comment and he didn't look too impressed. He doesn't bring it up generally but I think my bisexuality or whatever it is, is an issue for him. But I can't change who I am, can I?

Ooh, Bianca's here. I'll chat to her while I wait for Angelo to finish.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 14<strong>**th**** November**

**13:40**

**Work**

I'm on my lunch break and eating sandwiches at my desk so I thought I'd just stop and write a bit. I find it therapeutic to note things down, I guess. It helps me to process.

Last night turned into a big fat mess. It was fine at first when I was chatting to Bianca. She's a little unsettled that Liam is back in the Bay, back at school and has a girlfriend. But she adamant that she is going to marry Vittorio and that she is going to be happy with him. I really hope things turn out the way she wants.

But when Angelo finally joined me and Bianca left us to it, he was really sullen and moody. I tried for ages to get him to talk to me and find out what was wrong. But he was just snappy and rude to me and kept making comments about there being people I'd rather be with than him. I still don't know what prompted it and I genuinely tried all night. But he just wouldn't talk and seemed to be having a pretty childish tantrum. It pissed me off in the end and we went to sleep without so much as speaking when we got home. Things were still off this morning. I don't know what I've done to upset him this time. But it seems like I can do it without even trying!

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Charlie and Angelo continue to have problems, Charlie and Ruby hit a snag and Charlie takes over Penn's murder investigation…<em>


	131. Chapter 131

**Chapter One Hundred and Thirty One**

**Monday 15****th**** November**

**09:51**

**The Beach**

Well, Angelo and I had another blue last night and slept separately. We're sleeping separately so much that we may as well never have moved in together. But don't even get me started on that. I wish to high Heaven that I was still with Ruby at Leah's, even if she isn't there at the moment. Well, actually, she's getting back this afternoon and I am so, so excited about seeing her. I'm hoping we can catch up soon but I don't want to crowd her when obviously _everyone _will want to see her at the moment.

But anyway, yeah, you know I said Ruby made that quip about being on the turn on Saturday night and that Angelo was in a really weird, sullen mood for the rest of the night? Well, he's that immature, that it was because of that. Apparently, it made him think about Joey and how much I loved her and how happy I'd been living with her. I reminded him that he and I live together now and he argued that it took me long enough to argee to it. I snapped that I suggested it and he yelled that he had to consider cheating on me before I did. And then I laid into him about that and he started whinging about how he was sick of living in Joey's shadow. Then I snapped that I never even mentioned Joey and then I don't even know what was said and done except that there was a lot of yelling and then the inevitable slamming of doors and sulking. And we're still not speaking. Why am I living with that dickhead again? Someone please remind me! Oh right, he nearly screwed a whore.

Ugh, my morning breakfast and writing on the beach was meant to be therapeutic but I feel even more wound up than ever. And I'm sick of being the one that sleeps in the spare room. He's the shit. He should sleep in there.

* * *

><p><strong>Monday 15<strong>**th**** November**

**13:54**

**Work**

It's been a pretty busy morning, which has been a relief in a way, as it means I've not had much time to think about my tormented home life. I gather that Robertson has been busily sticking his nose in where it doesn't belong, namely questioning Roo about the whereabouts of Hugo and Martha. Honestly, can't they let it go? I hate that man (Hugo) but do we have to keep going over the same ground? As many refugees were saved as possible, as many people went to jail as possible, Hugo escaped justice, which I feel sick about but the last thing I want is that little shit being dragged back here with Martha. Let them live their miserable lives on the run. Angelo gave up his career for it. Don't let it be for nothing. And not just because I would never hear the fucking end of it if it had been.

But anyway, I managed to pop home – I mean, my old home – to see Leah at lunch time. I couldn't resist. I had tried to force myself to wait but I was just so excited to see her back. I've missed her so much. Miles collected her and VJ from the airport and while the little 'un was full of excitable chatter, Leah didn't seem quite as thrilled as her son. I didn't get much time to talk to her but I gather things didn't go as well between her and Elijah as VJ thinks they did and she's also rather flummoxed that Robertson is back in town.

* * *

><p><strong>Monday 15<strong>**th**** November**

**22:33**

**Home**

Well, things are feeling a bit better now. Ruby kind of bashed mine and Angelo's heads together and we've made up, although it's tentative. To be honest, I think our whole relationship has been tentative from the start. And I fear it always will be.

Basically, we had dinner together at home as a family but Angelo and I weren't speaking so Ruby was chattering away to make up for the both of us. She's currently on cloud nine because that driver instructor guy kissed her today. I am less pleased. Especially as apparently Nicole saw him kissing some other girl later. Ruby doesn't seem deterred in the slightest and when I objected, she turned the spotlight on my own relationship.

She made Angelo and I talk things through like we were kids having had a squabble in the playground – which, personally, I think Angelo has been behaving like. But anyway, he's just getting a shower and seems irritated every time he finds me writing in here so I'd better close up and say goodnight. I'm still very worried about Ruby though.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 16<strong>**th**** November**

**19:02**

**Home**

It's been all stations go today and possibly in a good way! Robertson has decided to scale back the murder investigation and he will probably be returning to the city in a few days. I don't actually mind him. He's irritating and a bit of a bulldozer but he's a good cop and actually amuses me, rather. But anyway, it seems like he thinks we've reached a moot point in the case and unless any major evidence presents itself, it might just go away – for now, anyway.

It's kind of sad timing in a way, as Leah has only just got back from Africa and I know Robertson would have liked to have spent some more time with her. I gather she saw him yesterday and he made it pretty clear that even if nothing romantic is on the cards, he is keen to pursue friendship with her, which I think is kind of nice.

She had a bit of a shock today with news that Elijah has been injured. Her instinct was to rush right back out there in order to look after him but Miles, who broke the news, advised her against it, in light of their breakup. He then decided to go in her place – or as well as her, if she decided to go anyway.

I was quite touched when Leah came to find me, wanting to talk it through. I suggested that Leah rushing over to care for Elijah might well confuse the situation and I guess between me and Miles, she decided it was best not to kick the hornets' nest, as she's staying and Miles is going. I think she's making the right choice. Robertson was definitely pleased.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 17<strong>**th**** November**

**23:01**

**Home**

And once again, my poor Ruby's heart has been broken. At least with this guy, she hasn't had time to fall too deeply for him, like she did with Pat, Xavier, Geoff and Liam. Wow, she really hasn't had much romantic luck, has she? She must take after her mother.

She called me after school in tears to say that Alex had told Nicole when she confronted him that he'd been cheating on his girlfriend, not on Ruby. He'd led Rubes to believe that he and his girlfriend were over and that they could be together. But it turns out that the bastard had never broken up with her in the first place and was just after whatever he could get.

She was pretty inconsolable so, with the murder investigation scaled down, I managed to get out of work early and spend some time with her. Angelo was irritated but that's a usual state of affairs so I'm not too fussed. I took Ruby into town and we had a lavish meal and went to the movies where, even though we were stuffed, we had a tonne of popcorn and chocolate. I still feel kind of sick! But it was worth it as we had a good, albeit cosoling time.

I was pretty touched that I was the person Ruby turned to when she was feeling so upset. Not that long ago, she would have spoken to Leah or Irene or someone but she turned to me and that makes me feel like our relationship is really beginning to heal. And that's the only thing in the world that could possibly make me happier than Joey Collins walking through my front door and telling me she wants to be with me. Not that I'm still desperately in love with her or anything… I guess Ruby and I are both pretty hopeless in the romance department!

I advised Ruby to be upfront about how she was feeling and confront Alex. He's obviously a pig and she should tell him so. She seemed to think it was a good idea so I hope she goes through with it. Nobody treats my daughter like that.

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 18<strong>**th**** November**

**18:09**

**Work**

It's been a fairly easy shift comparatively speaking and I'm currently feeling just a little bit pleased with myself. Technically, I just broke the rules but I couldn't help myself. And I got the result I needed so it's all good as far as I'm concerned.

Basically, after school, Ruby had her driving lesson with Alex and confronted him about kissing her when he had a girlfriend. He came up with some line about how he hadn't broken up with her yet but he would in order to be with Ruby but of course, she didn't believe him. Then he got nasty and made some comment about her being easy and about her past relationships with Xavier and Geoff – as if they have anything to do with him! And my baby girl is NOT easy! She was in a committed and loving relationship with Xavier and it was the same with Geoff. Granted, they were both a bit short lived but they were never intended to be. That was circumstance and it's not fair to judge her on that. It's not like she just sleeps around or something.

She was pretty devastated and turned to me again very tearfully. I couldn't get off work this time but I did spot him out driving and used the power of my uniform to pull him over and bully him into apologising to Ruby. So yeah, I feel pretty smug about that.

Anyway, I'm finishing work now and I'm heading over to the restaurant to eat with Angelo. I went over there at lunch time to see him but he was really moody again. He's like a hormonal teenager. It really pisses me off! But I need to go and try to make it work as usual. Blah, blah, blah…

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 19<strong>**th**** November**

**12:34**

**The Beach**

Well, if I thought I was making progress with Ruby then I was sadly mistaken. I totally fucked that one up in five seconds flat, didn't I? I know it's probably unhealthy but it just destroys me when things aren't right between us. There isn't a single person in this world who means more to me than Ruby – not even Joey, and anyone reading this diary _knows _what a statement that is – and when we're fighting, I just want to die. I love her so much, more than anything else in this world. I always try my best to do right by her and when she hates me… it hurts more than I can describe. I just…

Everything was going so well. But then yesterday, she heard me talking to Angelo about the altercation she had with Alex. He had apologised to her, as demanded and she had been really pleased with that but then she'd got upset to realise he'd been forced.

We made up this morning when I apologised, explaining that I had only been trying to look out of her. She was grateful but understandably asked me not to go behind her back again, which I won't. But then I fucked it up. I just went that one step too far in 'motherly advice'. I couldn't keep my damn mouth shut, could I?

I advised caution the next time she was romantically interested in somebody and that she needs to think with her head and not with her heart. And so she thought I was criticising and blaming her. She got all upset and now I think we've fallen out. So now I'm upset and I feel like the world is ending. And I rationally know that we'll have made up by this evening but the irrational part of me can't access that yet so I feel lost. And it's not like I can talk to Angelo about it. If it's not about him, he doesn't give a shit. How jaded have I got about my boyfriend?!

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 20<strong>**th**** November**

**19:44**

**Home**

Things seem to be better with Ruby. Once I'd finished work and she'd finished school, we met up and had a good chat. I explained what I'd really meant, about how worried I was about her getting her heart broken. I said that as hard as it is, she needs to approach relationships with caution because there are a lot of bastards out there like Alex, who want to get theirs and don't care if she gets hurt. She seemed to understand me a bit better and I made sure she knew I didn't blame her for anything.

She opened up to me about how embarrassed she is over the whole Liam thing and admitted that if she sees him around town or school now, she basically runs in the opposite direction. The good news is that all her feelings for him are gone and she has no issues with his new relationship with that Nina girl or with the resounding feelings he probably still has for Bianca. But she's mortified that her crush became an obsession and nearly ruined her life.

I made it clear that I was proud of her for the way she came through everything. It's easy to judge someone for falling over but I think the important thing is to note how they get back on their feet and I think she's done that marvellously. And I told her so. She seemed pretty pleased with that.

She was quick to pick me up about how things were going with Angelo and fretted that we were rowing so much. I admitted that things didn't seem great but that they weren't terrible either and that I was doing my best to make them work. And I am. I just wish I was going to be successful. But I can't help but think that this whole thing has been doomed from the start.

I made sure I kept on the bright side though, as I was trying to make friends and also to cheer her up over how things turned out with Alex. I just want her to meet a nice boy (or girl – who knows!?) that will be good for her and make her happy. And I wish the same for myself! And I wish mine was a girl called Joey. Wait, I'm getting distracted…

Anyway, yes, we chatted lots and had a nice time together and I think we're slipping back into the friendship we were developing before. She regaled me with teenage news, including that Dex is still mourning Detective Graves's lack of interest in him, Indi is really stressed over her exams and Romeo is feeling a bit neglected… Oh, and I realised that Indi and Dex don't know that Marilyn is moving in with them so I'm really glad I haven't let anything slip. This town is a nightmare for hearing things on the grapevine though so I'm surprised nobody has dropped them in it!

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 21<strong>**st**** November**

**20:54**

**Home**

Robertson is returning to the city and he has officially handed Penn's murder investigation over to me, which means there'll be less pressure to actually solve it. If a homicide Detective has given up then that says a lot about the case, as does the fact that there is so far, no body. I'll keep working on it but I hope more gently and I won't be manhandling residents such as Alf Stewart, that's for sure!

It's been a funny old day, really. I've been thinking lots about Ruby and everything that's happened recently with me and her and with her and Alex. I guess it's yet more adjustment from being her sister to being her mother and that's a big deal for both of us. We have a strange relationship now but I hope it works. I just love her so much and I want to be close to her. I think there's a part of her that might never trust me completely, which is why I have to be really careful with how I handle things and make sure I don't go behind her back or anything like that.

I caught up with Angelo earlier this evening. He'd been out fishing and I gather he spent a fair bit of time chatting with Roo. They even had dinner together and had the fish he caught. I was a little offended as the plan had been for _us _to eat together tonight but he went ahead because I was going to be an hour later than planned. I mean, he could have waited! But apparently hanging out with Roo was more important.

But what was good was that they bonded over Martha. It's getting round to that time of year again that's naturally really hard for him but she didn't lay into him about anything Jack related. Instead, she thanked him for letting Hugo and Martha escape. I don't give a shit about what happens to Hugo Austin. In fact, I wouldn't be distressed in the slightest if something terrible happened to him. But I do hope Martha is happy. I might not like the person she has chosen to spend her life with but then, a lot of people might not like the person I chose. It's not for me to judge. But after everything she's suffered, I hope she can face the day with a smile. She deserves that. And now that I'm thinking of people who deserve joy, you know exactly who's on my mind…

* * *

><p><em>Next time… A gesture from Charlie goes wrong, Dex makes another inappropriate move on an older woman and a body washes up on the beach…<em>


	132. Chapter 132

_Hi everyone. I did technically do this update yesterday but my Internet went down so I couldn't put it online. But anyway, here is the next instalment of Charlie's life! I hope you enjoy it. Love, IJKS xxx_

**Chapter One Hundred and Thirty Two**

**Monday 22****nd**** November**

**22:21**

**Home**

And the whirlwind starts again!

I've been rushed off my feet all day and Robertson has been pissing me off for most of it. Just as he and Graves were headed out of town and planning on leaving me to run the investigation, Penn's body washed up on the beach. John found him this morning and reported it so we've been scouring the scene and analysing the evidence and the body all day. I'm irked at the way Robertson has immediately taken over when it was meant to be my case but I guess I'll just have to go with it. The important thing is to find out what on earth happened to him. I couldn't stand the guy but we still need to find out who killed him.

Robertson's first port of call was to interview Alf, who seemed deeply affected by the news. Robertson naturally thinks it's guilt but I'm not so sure. I guess only time – and the evidence – will tell.

I gather that Liam and his new girlfriend, Nina, have been making waves in the Bay today. They've been participating in public displays of affection around the school, undoubtedly for Bianca's sake. And I heard on the grapevine that Nina hit on Romeo and Liam didn't even care. A showmance, by any chance!? Oh dear. I'm officially sucked in 2012 by using such language. I apologise.

I caught up with Bianca very briefly at lunch time when I went to the restaurant. Apparently, Romeo told her what happened and informed her that Liam and Nina aren't serious about each other. I guess he's thinking the same as the rest of us – that Bianca should act before she runs out of time to be with Liam, if that's what she wants. She certainly doesn't seem as enthused about her wedding to Vittorio as she should be. I worry about her.

Anyway, I've only really just got in and Angelo is complaining about me spending more time with my diary than I do with him so I should stop writing and chat with him before I collapse and fall asleep. And then the world starts up all over again… Yay.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 23<strong>**rd**** November**

**20:04**

**Home**

Well, it seems like everyone else has at least had a better day than I have. I've been examining evidence and wading through a murder investigation with Robertson and Graves for irritating company. I'm just glad that I'm permitted to have Watson as my right hand woman. Honestly, I have no idea what I'd do without her. I must try and see her socially sometime soon.

The rest of the Bay have been involved in this recycling day clean up thing that April organised and it sounds like it was pretty successful. Angelo didn't take part but Ruby did and she was full of renwed enthusiasm for the environment and everything, which I think is nice.

And she seems to be coping with the Liam thing a lot better now. I was worried that she'd struggle again after the whole driving instructor debacle, that she might go back a few paces but she's being really strong, capable and in control. I'm so proud of her. And I even managed to tell her so tonight. It was kind of cool, actually. And nice to continue the bond we've been developing after everything we've been through over the last year or so.

She told me that Liam and Bianca are obviously still into each other. They seemed to deliberately bring their other halves to kind of show off to each other or something. And when they were divided into gender groups, Vittorio and Liam kept trying to outdo each other and Nina and Bianca realised that they actially quite liked each other. And now apparently, Nina has left town. I guess she didn't want to stand in the way of what we all know should happen. If only Liam and Bianca would get their acts together. I wonder how long you have to be 'the best friend' before you can intervene in these things…

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 24<strong>**th**** November**

**23:45**

**Home**

Ugh, it's been yet another hideous day. I am so, so tired. And I came back to another row with Angelo, which was the last thing I needed. I just wish I felt comfortable in my own home. I wish I was happy here. With him. But the truth is, I'm not. And I'm not sure I ever will be.

But anyway, Robertson and Graves took control of the bait shop knife inventory and books today, as part of the murder investigation. We've identified that Penn was stabbed to death and that the type of knife used is stocked by the bait shop. Personally, I still think it's too much of a coincidence, although I do privately admit that I might be a bit biased in this case. The truth is that I don't want Alf to be guilty. And the other truth is that it's not looking good for him. He's got history with Penn and he's concealed things on more than one occasion. It's problematic. But I still don't think he has it in him to take a life. And I think we should be extending our suspect list to people like Will and Shandi. And before you ask, that latter is _not _because she tried to fuck my boyfriend. It's because the timing is perfect and she's clearly a dodgy character. And the same goes with Will, as far as I'm concerned.

So yeah, I had a really long day working on the case and then I came home to complaints that the work is taking over my life and that I don't have time for Angelo anymore. Pot, kettle, anyone? He knows exactly what it means to be a police officer. He knows the personal sacrifices you have to make in order to work on a big case sometimes. Has he just forgotten the whole of the last year? Not to mention that fact that I was invisible and mute when he was setting up his beloved restaurant. How dare he lay into me about this? How fucking dare he?

But he totally blindsided me and made some comment about how if I was coming home to Joey then he was sure I'd find the energy to spend time with her. I don't know why he's got such a bee in his bonnet about her at the moment. It's not like I talk about her. I haven't actually even written about her that much in here recently. Have I? I mean, I do still think about her all the time but I can't help that. It's not really something I can control. But whether I'd find the energy to spend time with her or not, the one thing I know for sure is that if I was coming home to her, she'd understand how hard my day was and she'd be there for me. She wouldn't pick stupid fights and just try to make my life harder.

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 25<strong>**th**** November**

**18:54**

**Work**

I've just finished my shift and I gather I'm going home to a romantic night in with my boyfriend. Things were a little frosty last night because of the row we had but he called this morning and apologised, claiming that he just misses me and misses being able to work with me on important cases like this. I do understand where he's coming from and I accepted the apology, ensuring that I didn't point out that it's his own fault.

So anyway, he asked if I could get home on time tonight, that he was sending Ruby round to cheer Nicole up and that he was planning to wine and dine me this evening at home. The whole thing sounds kind of tiring to be honest but I appreciate that he's making the effort and it's one of the very first time he's ever apologised to me in the course of knowing each other so I'm happy just to go with it.

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 26<strong>**th**** November**

**14:09**

**Work**

You will never believe what just happened to me! Dex hit on me! Dexter Walker! Little, geeky, teenage, goes to school with my daughter, Dex! The whole thing is just frickin' hilarious. I'm still giggling over it now. I'm not entirely sure what his motivation was, although Graves didn't seem very impressed and accused him of having mother issues. But… Dex! Haha! So funny! I can't wait to tell Angelo!

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 26<strong>**th**** November**

**19:44**

**The Restaurant**

Okay, I shouldn't have told Angelo. He didn't really see the funny side of it and seemed more pissed off than anything. I tried to make him laugh about it but he just didn't get it. Most puzzling. I mean, I'd understand if it was someone eligible like… um… well, nobody springs to mind. Okay, _one _person springs to mind and I _know _he'd be pissed off if she was ever around. But like… like a guy or a girl the right age or something, you know? Like Bianca or… nope, there's nobody else in the Bay that I find remotely attractive. But yeah, if it was someone who might have stood a chance, I'd see the problem. But Dex? That's just funny! He'd be more likely to date Ruby, wouldn't he? Actually, he'd probably make quite a nice boyfriend for her…

Anyway, Dex, aside, I've spent the day working, as usual. Graves and I went to the hospital to question Sid about Alf and also about Penn's medical condition before he died, being that he'd been assaulted very recently. We didn't come up with much and I hate following 'Alf leads' but I have to do my job. I just don't have to like it sometimes, I huess.

I had a pretty good evening with Angelo last night, although I'm still bemused over his little strop just now about Dex. Dex! Haha! That still makes me chuckle. But anyway, yeah, we had a good time. He cooked me dinner, bought my favourite wine and it was actually quite nice just to chat and spend time together and forget about work for a bit. And we didn't even argue, which was a refreshing change. Hopefully, minus the Dex blip this evening, things will get better from here.

Oh, and apparently it's common knowledge now that Gina and John are back together again. Hooray!

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 27<strong>**th**** November**

**11:31**

**The Beach**

I have the rest of the day off. Yay! And I'm determined to make good with it and I'm hoping Ruby is going to be really pleased with my plans.

She came to have dinner with Angelo and I at the restaurant last night and admitted that she's really anxious about her driving test today. She also admitted to feeling kind of down about life in general so I've decided that I'm going to cook her a special meal and make things really nice for her. That way, if she passes, she'll have a celebration and if she fails, she'll have a treat as consolation. I really hope she likes it.

Angelo was a bit peeved to be kicked out but I knew full well that he was going to be at the restaurant anyway so I don't think it matters all that much. And because I've been working all the hours God sends, not only have I missed out on time with him, I've missed out on time with her too. So, I had a nice evening with him on Thursday and today, I'm going to have a great time with Rubes. I'm so excited! Is that really pathetic?

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 27<strong>**th**** November**

**17:32**

**Home**

So much for my stupid fucking meal idea. Idiot. Why can't I get anything right? Just once? Once, I would like to not fuck everything up. Once! Is that too much to ask? Or am I that much of a lost fucking cause?

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 27<strong>**th**** November**

**18:03**

**Home**

Okay, to explain my previous entry, my meal plan went wrong – although, you probably got that. So, I went all out in order to make a special celebration/commiseration meal for Ruby, who came home from her test with a severe case of the glums. I tried to be all supportive and caring and 'you'll pass next time' when she revealed that she had been pretending to be sad to surprise me. I was surprised. But not because I didn't believe in her, but because she had pretended so well. And I was happy too. And proudly presented the meal. But she took offence at the 'failure meal' and stormed out. And now I feel like shit.

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 27<strong>**th**** November**

**19:43**

**Home**

Well, Angelo just came home early – gatecrasher – and really just didn't help. He just said that Ruby would get over it and that I should try having faith in her next time. He doesn't get it at all. He doesn't get _me _at all. Why am I with him? Why can't I be with Joey? Loving, kind, understanding, beautiful, wonderful Joey? Oh right. Because I fucked that up too. Well done me.

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 27<strong>**th**** November**

**23:32**

**Home**

Ruby came home about half an hour after Angelo and we made up. My heart is still aching but I do feel better. She was much calmer and gave me the chance to explain that I had believed in her and the meal had been intended to be a celebration but that when she'd come in all sad, I thought it could console her instead. I added that I was really proud of her for passing her test, especially when lessons have been far from easy – and that I'm just really proud of her in general for coming through everything she has over the last few months. I told her how much I loved her and she told me she loved me too. She hugged me for ages, we salvaged the meal and then tucked into ice cream. We carefully ditched Angelo by putting on a chick flick.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 28<strong>**th**** November**

**18:02**

**Home**

It was back to work today but I'm trying to come home at the right time when I can, more for Ruby than Angelo really but I'll make him think it's for him just as much. And I know that sounds awful and I am trying to make 'family life' work but it still feels really difficult.

I let Ruby drive me into work this morning and agreed to let her take Nicole shopping in the car for the day. I already got her insured on my car, which was a part of the surprise that I finally got to share with her yesterday when we made up. I want her to know that I trust her and support her, you know? And I know that Nicole's head is all over the place right now with the investigation. Her head is still spinning over everything that happened with the needle stuff but now that Penn is dead, it must be even harder, especially considering how he died and that his murder is unresolved.

Anyway, presuming the car survives the day, Ruby is coming to pick me up in a bit and we're having a family meal at home – me, her and Angelo. I also need to try and find some time to see Leah in the next few days. She broke the news to VJ today that she and Elijah are completely over and naturally, he was very upset about it. It must be so hard for both of them. I'd be there to listen if I was living there so I have to make the extra effort now I'm not.

I gather that Alf has decided to close the bait shop. He says that business has taken a dive with the murder investigation going on, which must be hard on him. I caught sight of Will looking pretty pissed off this afternoon. I guess it must be hard to have lost a job so soon after getting it. But I'm still not very sure about that guy. There's just something… off about him.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 28<strong>**th**** November**

**22:00**

**Home**

Angelo, Ruby and I had a really nice meal together tonight and I really enjoy both of their company. We just had a really good chill out time, chatting and laughing. She did a bit of a fashion show with the clothes she'd bought with Nicole and repeatedly thanked me for the use of the car. That made me feel kind of special.

She said that Marilyn is gearing up for 'the end', which must be so hard to take – for her and for the people around her. She's giving stuff and away and according to Nicole, Sid is taking it particularly hard. He even admitted that he has fallen in love with her. I just wish the situation wasn't so sad. But then, I guess that's how life is sometimes. But other times, it's great. And we should all live for those moments.

* * *

><p><em>Next time… The students decide to hold their own party when the school formal is cancelled, Ruby rebels and VJ and Lily attempt to run away to Africa…<em>


	133. Chapter 133

**Chapter One Hundred and Thirty Three**

**Monday 29****th**** November**

**21:03**

**Home**

I feel a bit down, having just spent the evening at my old home with Leah, to come back to this new home with Angelo. It just doesn't really feel like where I'm supposed to be, you know? This whole situation is doomed and I have no idea what I'm meant to do about it! Well, there's the obvious, I guess but I don't have a great track record with getting out of this relationship. And it's so much more serious now that we live together and everything. I just feel like one minute I can settle and the next, I can't.

But anyway, the reason I went to my old home this evening was because Leah was really upset. Since she got back from visiting Elijah, she's struck up a friendship with Robertson again. Romatic interest aside, they were pretty close before, when he was investigating Grant's death. But anyway, she happened to mention to him today that Will is now working for free at the bait shop. I gather that Alf had to let him go because business was slow and he couldn't afford to pay him. But Roo's big plans for how to boost business and Will's desperation to just have something to focus on, even if he wasn't earning, has led Robertson to patch together a theory that he and Alf worked together to bump Penn off. He even went as far as suggesting that Roo get Alf to confess as the courts will go easier on Alf if he hands himself in than they would if he was caught out.

So now Leah has decided she can't be friends with Robertson anymore, as she can't relax around him for fear of saying something that he'll use to hurt one of her friends. I can see it from both perspectives, of course. On the one hand, I understand that Robertson is here to investigate a murder and sometimes you have to do stuff that you don't like to get the answers you need. But on the other hand, I know as well as Leah does that Alf couldn't kill anyone, not even Penn, and I wouldn't want anything I said to incriminate him either.

I am still not sure about this Will guy though. Leah insists he's lovely and says she has known him a long time just like people such as Irene and Alf have. She thinks he's a good kid who came from a difficult background with his sister, Hayley, and his brother, Nick. Irene took them in and although he was in and out of trouble for most of his time in the Bay, it was never anything too heavy. He met and married this woman, Gypsy and everyone was really happy for them. He even delivered their baby daughter on the side of the road when they didn't quite make it to the hospital. I don't know, maybe I've got him all wrong but there's just something about him I don't trust.

In more positive news, Marilyn is officially moving into the farm with Sid, Indi and Dex. I gather that Sid cleared it with the kids today and they were all for it, although Indi took some persuasion. I really hope they'll all be happy together for as long as Marilyn has left.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 30<strong>**th**** November**

**20:19**

**Home**

It's been a busy day with lots happening. We haven't got too far on the case and the mud I've been wading through feels more like tar at the moment but hopefully we'll get a lead at some point. I just want to find whoever killed Penn and get it over with. And I want to proudly tell the whole world that the bastard's death had nothing to do with Alf!

The kids have their exams this week so everywhere I go, I hear a lot about that. It's odd to think that that will be my Ruby next year. And then she'll be thinking about University and all sorts. I can't believe how quickly she's growing up. I wonder what our lives will be like then. I wonder what we'll become. I mean, what will I be writing on this very day next year? And what was I writing about this day last year? Let me look…

Well, I'd spent the weekend with Angelo and we'd had a nice time but typically, it was on the back of an argument so I guess not a lot has changed there. And I felt like I was just sort of muddling along with him, not very happy but not terribly miserable. Wow, I've made such progress in the last twelve months, haven't I? That's actually quite tragic!

Anyway, what was I talking about before I got distracted? Oh yes, the kids were dealing with their exams, only to be disappointed to learn there will be no formal this year. I can't say I blame Gina for the decision. I mean, last year was fine but the school does have a history of formal disasters! And they're actual disasters too, like life threatening ones, as opposed to running out of dip or punch.

But thanks to a suggestion from Liam, Romeo and Indi decided to hold a party of their own. Naming it the 'informal', they have persuaded Angelo to let them have it at the restaurant. He was worried about it spiralling and getting out of control but on the promise of adult chaperones and a $5000 deposit, he agreed. Honestly, I thought he was being kind of tight and I hope if the situation arises next year, he won't be so strict with Ruby. Presuming we'll still be in our delightful relationship next year. Gosh, I really _won't _have progressed then, will I? Unless I manage to actually fall in love with him over the next twelve months. Miracles do happen. Don't they?

Anyway, I gather that the steep deposit was to put them off so he was pretty flummoxed when Marilyn came up with it so now the kids just have to find chaperones. Liam has agreed to be one so they just have to find some more and then they're good to go. I don't really see why Angelo is so anxious about it. I mean, yes, they're young and yes, it's a big, fun night but most of them are civilised people. And as long as there _are _chaperones, anyone causing trouble can just be thrown out. Plus, he's an ex-cop who can handle himself and his girlfriend is _still _a cop. I don't really know what he's worrying about!

I caught sight of Marilyn looking pretty thoughtful this afternoon when I passed her on the beach. I kind of wanted to go over to her but I don't know her that well and I didn't want to invade her privacy or interrupt or anything. It's that awkward moment where you want to be kind but you don't want to intrude at the same time.

I had a brief drink with Bianca after work and she's pretty strung out about all the wedding stuff, not to mention work. Her mother, Joanna has come for the wedding and tension is quite high, especially as she wants to stay at Irene's for the foreseeable. The house sounds like it's going to get pretty crowded pretty quickly!

Apparently Bianca and Vittorio have both agreed to be chaperones for the Informal, which should be interesting considering that Liam is also on board. There is still an obvious amount of tension between Bianca and Liam though and I'm so worried that my friend is making a mistake with this wedding. But it's just not my place to say, is it?

Anyway, I'm due to have dinner with Angelo. One of the few benefits of us living together is that I get cooked for almost every evening and he does do a nice pasta dish. I really need to make more of an effort with him, don't I?

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 1<strong>**st**** December 2010**

**13:34**

**The Beach**

Well, I just had a blazing row with Angelo in the middle of the restaurant and I honestly have no idea what it was actually about. Everyone was looking, we were both embarrassed but neither of us could quite stop ourselves. He stormed into the kitchen and and I've stormed off home to grab this and then came to the beach to finish my lunch break before I have to return to work with the delightful Detective Robertson. I just don't understand why we're arguing so much. It's like that's the only time we have any passion and that makes me so sad. One minute we seem to be muddling along okay and the next, he's picking a fight with me.

Today, he just kept going on at me about not making an effort at home and how I'd probably be happier living back with Leah. It's like he can read my mind. Or my diary… No way. He wouldn't. Would he?

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 1<strong>**st**** December**

**17:12**

**Work**

The whole argument with Angelo and my diary theory have been plaguing me all day and I'm not sure what to do about it. I mean, he wouldn't, would he? He wouldn't invade my privacy like that? I don't know. I mean, well, it does seem quite coincidental that he picks fights with me about things I've written in here pretty soon afterwards. I don't know. Maybe I'm just too jaded and suspicious at this point. But maybe I'll also keep this book with me for the time being. Just in case.

After I'd sat on the beach for a bit, I popped into the Diner to grab some actual food. My original plan, before the big row with Angelo, had been to eat at the restaurant but it hadn't quite panned out. But I grabbed a coffee and a sandwich from Leah and we had a brief chat. She's struggling a bit with VJ at the moment. He's not adjusting all that well to Elijah being out of their lives and apparently keeps calling Africa to speak to him. She and Robertson have made friends again but because of the Elijah thing, he has agreed to take a step back for VJ's sake. It's confusing him to have another man around who was once a potential love interest. I can't imagine Roberson is all that happy about it but at least he's decent enough to respect Leah's wishes.

I gather he hassled Will at the bait shop again today and Alf stepped in and warned him off. I wonder if he's doing what he did to me with Grant – pressed me so that Dad, the real killer, would step up and confess. Maybe he thinks someone else did it and that they would protect Alf if he tries to send an innocent man down. I don't know. But I do know Alf didn't do it. I just wish I could prove it.

Anyway, work is done now so I guess I should go home and face the music. I'm not expecting the most delightful of evenings. It's times like this that I miss Joey more than ever.

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 2<strong>**nd**** December**

**16:04**

**Work**

We got such a fright today! VJ and Lily tried to run away! I gather their plan was to go to Africa to see Elijah but thank goodness, they didn't get all that far.

They lied to Leah and Will and pretended that they were sleeping at each other's houses and then ran off. Robertson took the lead on the case and we searched desperately for the kids all morning. They slept in the park and attempted to walk to the airport together before being picked up by some guy called Gary, who offered to take them there.

Back at home, while we were all searching, Leah discovered that her credit card was used to buy two tickets to Africa. Robertson assured her that two kids would never get on a plane unaccompanied. And I gather that he was using the opportunity to keep an eye on Will as well and monitor his behaviour. Who says men can't multitask!?

Anyway, a report came in that two kids had been seen hitchhiking and Robertson and Graves tracked this Gary guy down. At first, he denied picking VJ and Lily up but then admitted that he was the one who called the police. He made a detour to his house on the way to the airport in order to get the police but they ran off. Robertson and Graves later found them hiding in a storage garage and managed to return them safely home.

I gather that on the way, Lily confided in Robertson that Will is always angry and told her he did something bad so of course Robertson launched into an interrogation about it with him. Will insists that he meant cheating on Gypsy but none of us believe him. He's up to his neck in something, that's for sure. Whether it's Penn's murder or not, I'm not clear but he's definitely in some sort of trouble. I just hope he doesn't drag poor Alf down with him.

I'm about to finish my shift and I'm going to stop by and check in with Leah and VJ on my way home. Things aren't great with Angelo still. We didn't argue again last night but we didn't make up either. I don't really know what to do, to be honest. I hate this mess we've got ourselves into. I feel so lost. Why can't we just make it work? Even Vittorio and Bianca are making the best of things and she's blatantly in love with Liam. Speaking of which, I hear that Vittorio's buck's night is now on the same night as the informal so he's pulled out of chaperoning. I guess that leaves Bianca and Liam 'alone' together. I wonder if that was April's plan…

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 2<strong>**nd**** December**

**22:11**

**Home**

Angelo is in bed and I am supposed to be with him but I've sneaked out into the lounge to write for a bit. After that theory about my diary popped into my head, I've started to not want to write in front of him, just in case. I'm just starting to feel a bit edgy around him at the moment and I don't really know what to do about it. It just feels like we don't fit together anymore. It feels like we never really have.

I went round to Leah's after work and we had a nice chat. Well, nice probably isn't the right word. She's feeling really down and she got such a fright after VJ's little escapade. I'm just relieved that he and Lily didn't get very far in their quest. It must have been so frightening. I remember last year, when Ruby found out the truth and ran off, I was frantic. But at least she was sixteen and mostly able to take care of herself. And at least she had Geoff with her, a responsible and capable young man. But VJ is just a little boy and Lily is just a little girl. It was so dangerous for them to go off like that. Leah's asked me to sit down and talk properly with VJ about the danger he put himself in and I'm planning to hang out with him tomorrow in order to do that.

He told her that he thought if he went to Africa then she'd have no choice but to talk to Elijah again and then they might get back together. It was a sweet theory but the sad fact is that Leah and Elijah tried to make it work and it didn't. It's over. Sometimes you just have to accept when a relationship is done. And sometimes that's easier and sometimes it's damn near impossible. And either can be for very different reasons. I'm starting to accept that my relationship with Angelo is done, for example. And I don't really care that much. But I can't let go of it because I'm trapped. I'm starting to accept that my relationship with Joey is done because it's been over a year and she hasn't come back for me. But I'm still desperately in love with her and I know I always will be. So yep, I'm just back to feeling completely lost.

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 3<strong>**rd**** December**

**23:04**

**Work**

It's been a long shift already and it's barely even started yet! I'm so tired! I hate night shifts. Especially on a Friday. They usually involved dealing with drunken idiots picking fights and throwing up. And most of those idiots are River Boys. I really hate that gang. If I could lock them all up and throw away the key then I'd do it in a heartbeat. Honestly, they make me sick!

But anyway, Angelo and I seem to have made up. Well, we brushed everything under the carpet and have agreed to just start again and stop fighting. I really hope we can do it. I'm just so tired all the time. I need all my energy for work and for Ruby. I want to spend what I have left on a pleasant relationship and on my friends, not on arguments about stupid things. Especially when I don't really understand what I've done half the time.

I stopped off at Leah's on the way to work to have a chat with VJ and ensure that he understood that running away was an unsafe thing to do. I made him promise that he wouldn't disappear again, wouldn't wander off without telling a responsible adult where he was and would certainly not get into a stranger's car. He actually went as far as swearing on the Bible, which I know is really important to him. He apologised profusely to Leah too so hopefully we can just put this whole thing behind us now.

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 4<strong>**th**** December**

**14:59**

**The Beach**

I am seriously fucked off right now. With Ruby and Angelo both. I'm absolutely fuming and if either of them think I'm going to calm down any time soon then they have another thing coming. I've actually had to come out and get some air just so I don't punch anybody!

Basically, while I was working my night shift last night, Ruby had the bright idea to go to a series of parties with Dex. Her 'true love deadline' was looming and she was concerned that she was too busy studying to meet 'the one' and wanted to get a move on. She tried to get Nicole out partying but she bailed on her at the last minute so Ruby dragged Dex out instead and even convinced him to steal Sid's car.

The parties weren't great, although Ruby did score herself a date, which she'll go on over MY DEAD BODY after all of this but on their way home this morning, they were flagged down by police. Sid hadn't noticed the missing car at first because he'd had some problems with Marilyn, who, coming closer to her end date, has returned to the caravan park because he's struggling with how she's handling everything. But eventually he reported it stolen and it didn't take much to find Ruby and Dex driving it.

Well, for starters, I'm furious with Angelo for not even bothering to make sure that Ruby came home last night. I mean, he goes on and on and fucking on about us being a family and him being a parent and all that shit and he missed something pretty damn basic. I thought when I was on nights he could do one simple thing and make sure my daughter was in her bed when she was supposed to be! When we lived with Leah, I didn't have any of these problems. She just instinctively knew that if I was working overnight then she kept an eye on Rubes and made sure she didn't stay out all night. I mean, it's not rocket science, is it!?

So, we had a bit of a spat about that and I pretty much demanded that he play more of a parenting role to Ruby. He agreed but he was pretty pissed that I embarrassed him in front of his customers. I guess twice in one week is a pretty bad show but the first time was his fault and well, quite frankly, this time is his fault too! He was irresponsible arse! I mean, how the fuck didn't he notice that she didn't come home!?

I did apologise to Roo and John for my outburst because he had been having a conversation with them about chaperoning the Informal when I burst into the restaurant screaming blue murder. Roo happened to mention that she's taking on some work for John in New York, which I find interesting. Call me suspicious but I'd bet a hell of a lot of money on Hugo and Martha being over there and somehow or other, Hugo's money making it's way from Gina, through John, through Roo, to the couple on the run.

Now, I'm not about to interfere. Personally, if the Statue of Liberty happened to fall over and crush Hugo into a bloody mess or perhaps he were to be run over by a subway train or… okay, it could get a bit grim and gory here so I'll stop but you can see what I'm getting at… What I mean is, I don't give a shit about the fucker who nearly killed me and who helped me destroy the best relationship I ever had. I hate him with a passion. He's up there with the Grants and the Robbos of this world as far as I'm concerned after what he did to those poor refugees. But I do still care about Martha. I think she's an idiot and I question her morals a great deal for wanting to be with a prick like him but I care for her and I'm not about to try and ruin whatever _Romeo and Juliet _fantasy they've got going on. But I'm worried.

I opted to visit Roo at home to dig for some information. Of course she played dumb and didn't give anything up but she knew I'd figured everything out. I warned her to be careful but added that I understood the lengths a mother will go to for her child. And actually, I guess Roo and I have quite a lot in common. I don't know the woman all that well but she gave Martha up when she was a baby and I did the same with Ruby. It was different circumstances, of course, but the pain can't be all that different.

But anyway, back to the Ruby situation. I think I'm well within my rights to be furious with her. I've grounded her for a month, which means she'll miss the Informal. I'd probably be a bit more lenient if it was her last ever school function and it was her finishing school but she has another year to go so she'll have the chance to attend next year.

We got into a pretty big row thought when I laughed off her quest for true love. I just think it's a ridiculous excuse for staying out partying all night when she knows she wouldn't have been allowed to do it! Plus she stole a frickin' car! I mean, does she think she's in a Disney movie or something where everything turns out alright in the end and nothing matters but a quest for romance? That's ridiculous! Nothing turns out the way you want it to! Absolutely nothing! Everything turns out shit! It just does and she should learn that quicker. True love!? What a pile of shit!

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 4<strong>**th**** December**

**18:44**

**Home**

I'm afraid to say that I am in no better a mood. I went out to clear my head but I just wound myself up more and then I came back to deal with the situation and it hasn't worked out. I'm still seriously pissed off with Ruby and Angelo both. Ruby is still grounded and if Angelo thinks he's going to get laid again for the rest of his life, he'd better think again. I'd move out now if I possibly could! At least once upon a time, I thought we made a good team but now we don't even have that.

In my absence, Ruby tried to convince Angelo to get me to change my mind about the Informal. When I went to see him, he tried to talk me round but I knew exactly where his words had come from. I've basically told him to keep his nose out of our business. If he isn't grown up enough to ensure that my teenage daughter is safely in bed at night while I'm out at work and if he doesn't have enough balls to stop her walking all over him when she gets into trouble then I don't want him on my parenting team. I'd rather do it all alone, like I've had to do every damn thing in my whole damn life.

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 4<strong>**th**** December**

**19:01**

**Home**

I actually despise my own boyfriend. How did this happen? What am I supposed to do about it?

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 5<strong>**th**** December**

**21:03**

**Home**

It's been another shitty day. I'm so tired and a bit drunk and I feel really, really tearful. I honestly just want to curl up and cry and that so isn't like me. I don't know what to do.

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Charlie remains suspicious of Angelo, Ruby defies Charlie and Bianca is even more torn between the two men in her life…<em>


	134. Chapter 134

**Chapter One Hundred and Thirty Four **

**Tuesday 7****th**** December**

**12:01**

**The Beach**

I'm feeling a little better than I did now that I've had some time and space – and a bit of a detox! I got seriously drunk on Sunday and I was even more seriously hungover on Monday. Man, I felt sick! I slept most of the day and just felt so grotty.

So today, I got up early and went for a run. I've had healthy juices and a decent breakfast and I'm feeling a lot better. Also, today (granted, it's only midday), there's been no fighting. There's not been much joy either but there's been no fighting.

I guess I should probably explain the last couple of days really… Well, I had a girls' day out on Sunday with Leah and Bianca and it was really fun. I probably moaned a bit too much and I certainly didn't hold back when it came to sharing my woes about Angelo and Ruby. I also, (after a bit of drink), ended up telling Bianca the story of Joey. She was a little surprised, but she was really sweet and I didn't feel any sort of judgement or anything like that.

It's odd and sad really. At the time, I was so panicked and fretful over what people thought of me when I was with Joey. But now, I can tell people and I don't mind. I'm proud to say that once upon a time, there was a girl as amazing as Joey and that she loved me. I just wish I'd worked it all out at the time. This could all have been such a different story.

And now I've written all of that and I feel anxious. Because I'm starting to think that Angelo might be reading my diary. Every time I write something negative about him or positive about Joey (like I ever write anything bad about her), he kicks off. And the more I think about it, the more it seems like there's something specific in what he says. I don't want to distrust him. But I am starting to wonder if he would invade my personal space, my personal thoughts like that. And that really stresses me out. I don't know what to do about it.

One good thing that did come out of my fight with Angelo on Sunday though was that Ruby found me in tears afterwards and cuddled me. She is still upset about me not letting her go to the Informal but for now at least, we've made friends again. That means a lot. Not being at peace with Ruby is always what upsets me most in the world. All of the other shit, I can deal with.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 8<strong>**th**** December**

**16:09**

**Work**

I'm back at work today and it feels good to be back in a normal routine again and out of the house. At least when I'm not at home, there's less time and opportunity for arguments. Peace still reigns with Ruby, which is a relief but I feel uncomfortable around Angelo, like I don't quite know when things are going to kick off.

We're going out to dinner tonight. Well, I say out. I mean, I'm meeting him at the restaurant and we're eating there. Hopefully I'll get his attention and he won't be dashing off to work all the time, which happens a lot. We don't eat elsewhere very much anymore, which is a shame. But I'm hoping that we can have a nice evening anyway. Fingers crossed.

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 9<strong>**th**** December**

**23:01**

**Home**

Dinner yesterday was fairly pleasant in the end. Angelo got distracted with work a little bit but he didn't leave me too often, so I wasn't on my own as much as I have been in the past. And we didn't argue, which was a relief. And he's asleep now, so he's not bothering me while I'm writing in here now, which is also a relief. I'm still feeling uneasy when it comes to this diary and him. I don't want to think that he'd read my personal journal but some of the things he's said recently make me wonder. It's getting to the point where I'm considering actually keeping it with me at all times, just in case. But that's just breeding paranoia, isn't it?

There's not much else to report really. Everyone seems to be gearing up for the Informal, to which I am still not letting Ruby attend. She hasn't asked again, so we've not had another fight about it, which is yet another relief. I gather that Liam has pulled out of chaperoning, although I'm not sure why. I'd presume that it has something to do with Bianca. Everything seems to be about Bianca for him right now.

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 11<strong>**th**** December**

**01:02**

**Home**

I am fucking furious! And I don't know who I'm actually angrier with – Ruby or Angelo! Ugh! I'm so angry I can barely even write about it. But I know I'll have more to write tomorrow so I should try.

It all started when Ruby convinced herself that this Jackson guy, the one she met on her ill advised night out with Dex, was the one Marilyn 'fortune told' her that she was supposed to be with. I gather Nicole was sceptical and I think the whole thing is fucking ridiculous. The strong emphasis there may also be my fury talking. Have I mentioned that I'm really angry?

I should have smelled a rat when Ruby called me 'just to check in' this evening – the night of the Informal. She rarely does that, only when there's something wrong. And apparently when she's about to do something she shouldn't. It turns out that she wasn't checking in for the sake of my health, it was to check where I would be and what I'd be doing while I was on shift tonight so that she could sneak off to the Informal with that boy.

And when she got there, to the _restautant _where my _boyfriend _was hosting, he didn't bother to send her home again even though he knew full well that I had explicitly stated that she was NOT to be there there. I gather from his pathetic protestations during our argument this evening that he did make some pathetic attempt to make her leave but it was hardly effective, was it? She was still there when I showed up much later to say hi on my break. Not to mention the fact that once I arrived, he actually tried to stop me from noticing that she was there because she didn't want her to get into trouble! I mean, what kind of parenting is that? One minute he wants to co-parent with me and the next he's just absolutely fucking useless. It was like dealing with two teenagers, conspiring together against the mother. Pathetic.

Anyway, I hit the roof when I saw her and almost dragged her out of the party. I do feel a tiny bit bad about that because I know I embarrassed her. But then, she shouldn't have been at the damn party anyway. I told her she couldn't go and she sneaked around and lied to me.

Angelo broke us apart when we started arguing and sent Ruby home. (Bit late for that, don't you think, Angelo? I could have done with _that _sort of help when she showed up in the first place!) He then tried to talk to me and make pathetic excuses but I stormed off back to work and I haven't seen either of them since.

I only just came in from my shift – deliberately later than planned and both Angelo and Ruby have gone to bed. I'd brought my diary to work with me in case he was reading it so I thought I'd just write for a bit before I had to go in to him. In fact, I might just 'accidentally' fall asleep on the couch.

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 11<strong>**th**** December**

**10:33**

**The Beach**

I'm starting to feel a bit bad about how things went with Ruby last night. She must have been mortified with me practically pulling her out of the party by her hair in front of all her friends. She's a vulnerable girl and a lot of that is my fault. I think about all she's been through this year, particularly with the drinking and the Liam stuff. Was it really too much to ask for me to let her go out and have a good time for a night? I know she did wrong the other week by sneaking out but when I think about it, it's nice that she has friends now. For a while there, a few months ago, she didn't really have much of a life.

She's decided that she wants to go away for a bit and visit Dad and Morag. She said it was to get away from the Bay but I know it's to get away from me. I feel like I'm losing her all over again. We worked so hard to build our relationship back up again and I'm scared I've ruined it all now. I really am a shit mother. I think I was a pretty good big sister but when it comes to being a Mum, I'm not doing so great. I feel like I'm just feeling my way in the dark and I don't know what the hell I'm doing.

She's also a bit upset because after she left, that Jackson guy moved onto someone else pretty quickly, according to Nicole. She says she's losing faith in Mitzy's prediction of true love. I guess that's good in one way – it might stop driving her to leap first and think later. But I also don't want her to become as jaded as me, especially not so young. Her optimism and zest for life is one of the things I love and cherish the most about her.

She didn't even tell me of her plans to leave. I heard it from Angelo. I made a heartfelt plea to her to stay, apologising and telling her that I am genuinely trying my hardest to be a good Mum. But I did promise not to stop her if she really wanted to walk away for a while. But she's gone so I guess I have to spend however long missing her. As usual. Why can I never be good enough?

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 11<strong>**th**** December**

**23:05**

**Home**

She stayed! Apparently at the bus stop, she had a change of heart and decided to give me another chance and came back to find me. And we've decided to really make a go of things this time. We're really going to do the mother/daughter thing and try really hard to make things work. I'm going to try and relax and stop being a bulldozer and she's going to try harder to relate to me and respect me and my rules. Fingers crossed it'll work a bit better this time and we can get some of our old magic back. And our friendship too.

However, I'm not quite sure where Angelo will fit into it all. He's not that good at being a step-dad and he doesn't quite blend as a friend either so… I think a lot of that is miscommunication between the two of us and how we relate to each other. I don't know how to involve him. We don't work that well as a team. And that's kind of strange because we actually did when we were fighting crime together. I guess we'll have to cross each bridge as we come to it.

I briefly caught up with Bianca today and it seems like she had quite an eventful night last night too. She and Liam ended up kissing and he told her that he loves her. However, she is still marrying Vittorio and has had to tell Liam that last night was a mistake and shouldn't have happened. Liam is finding it hard to accept and although it's nothing to do with me, I am too. It just seems so obvious that he's the one she should be with. There has been chemistry between her and Liam since day one and Vittorio has hurt her so many times. Obviously I'll support her no matter what because she's my friend but I think she's making a mistake. She's not letting herself be happy with the person she's supposed to be with. And yes, I am aware that I'm a big, fat hypocrite.

April seems to feel the same way I do, although she is being vocal about it, whereas I haven't said anything. In fact, she's being so vocal about it that she's refused to be her bridesmaid, which I think is mean and very sad. Surely your love for your sister should outweigh your objections to her choice of husband?7

* * *

><p><em>Next time… The investigation into Penn's murder intensifies, Bianca and Vittorio's wedding day kicks off and will Marilyn survive her end date…?<em>


	135. Chapter 135

**Chapter One Hundred and Thirty Five**

**Monday 13****th**** December**

**00:13**

**Home**

I'm staying up for a bit in order to let Angelo fall asleep before I go in. We haven't had a fight exactly but he's been a bit snappy and off with me and I just don't want to have to deal with him, to be honest. I'd rather just slip into bed and fall asleep without the hassle. We do actually have two spare rooms and they seem to call to me more and more each night. I'd love to just curl up in one of them and stay there. But no, I have to share my room with Angelo. I have to be with him and be his partner. Stuck like glue.

I didn't see that much of him today really, as much of my time was spent with Bianca and the wedding party. The wedding is adamantly going ahead and the plans are very much gathering momentum.

She had a bridal shower today and it was… interesting. April showed up wearing a Liam Murphy t-shirt and chewing a toothpick, which was more than a little awkward. Vittorio also showed up, which I'm fairly sure is against the rules and he made a big show of being affectionate with Bianca in front of everyone. It meant that there was a particular amount of tension between him and April.

In some nicer news, Bianca asked Lily (Will's daughter) to be her flower girl and me to be her bridesmaid. I was quite touched, to be honest. I know I'm a replacement for April, who has pulled out but there were still lots of other people she could have asked. But she asked me and that makes me feel very special. I feel a close bond with Bianca and I have since she first arrived in the Bay. I know Ruby still isn't keen on her (because of the whole Liam thing) but alongside Leah, I'd say Bianca is my best friend. And it feels nice to have that sort of validation back. So yeah, that made me happy. Angelo wasn't that fussed when I told him though.

* * *

><p><strong>Monday 13<strong>**th**** December**

**19:03**

**The Restaurant**

It's been a pretty busy day today. I'm currently at the restaurant, waiting for Angelo to finish his shift and have dinner with me. Ruby is going to meet us here to eat too, which is nice. I've been working, so I'm pretty tired.

Things are still ticking along with the Penn investigation. Yesterday, while I wasn't there, Robertson was interrogating Will about whether he would commit murder for Alf. He's also trying to get a search warrant for the bait shop. Apparently he spotted Will with some sort of bloody rag there or something. I still don't think there's any way in hell that Alf would have committed murder. Will, maybe. But never Alf.

I have to remark also that Robertson was in an expectionally good (and by that I mean annoying) mood today. And then I saw Leah looking rather coy in the Diner at lunch time so I suspect that things might have developed between them. I'm half surprised and half not, really. On the one hand, she has been grieving for the loss of Elijah all this time. But then after visiting him, she did say that it really was the end so perhaps this is her way of really drawing a line under it all. And there was genuine chemistry between them last time he was in town, you know, when he was investigating me for murder.

The biggest news of the day though was that Marilyn's end date arrived today. And even bigger than that, she has thankfully lived to tell the tale. Everyone is so happy. I gather it was a pretty difficult day between her and Sid, who has been sceptical of the whole thing. She went out and posted DVDs to the people she cares most about in the morning and spent the day trying to gather herself together and sort herself out.

I'm sure I'll hear various versions of the story in the coming days but what I've heard so far is that she already had a near miss with a car earlier in the day but the big drama came later when she saw a woman with her baby in a stroller on the wharf. The mother became distracted and the baby rolled off the wharf in its stroller and into the sea. Without a moment's thought, Marilyn leapt in after it in order to safe the baby. She rescued it and the mother rushed the baby into the Diner, leaving Marilyn to nearly drown.

Sid happened to be in the Diner and saved the baby before realising that Marilyn was in danger. He managed to rescue her and get her to the hospital and thankfully, there is no long term damage. She's got a few hours to go but providing nothing terrible happens, she has survived her end date. So hopefully everything will be okay and that lovely woman has a bright future ahead of her.

* * *

><p><strong>Monday 13<strong>**th**** December**

**22:57**

**Home**

Well, I've had a little bit of a blue with Angelo but thankfully nothing major. He just complained a bit that I apparently spend more time writing in here than with him. Obviously that's not true but he's just being whingy. I think the actual problem is that this is a part of my life that he's not part of. At least, I hope he isn't part of it. I still have some suspicions but I'm trying not to let them bother me.

We did have a nice dinner tonight though – Angelo, Ruby and I. Ruby spent part of her day with Marilyn (before the big accident) and got a tarot reading. I'm a little cautious, considering last time she got something like that done, she was set on that stupid true love mission, which led her to act out, which led us to fall out. But this time, she was apparently told of a hero that has recently sacrified something and been abandoned. So now, Ruby is puzzling over who the hero could be.

She did admit that that boy, Jackson, came round to see her but she made it clear that she gave him his marching orders, which I was relieved about. I've never even met him and I can tell he's bad news. He moved onto the next girl two seconds after poor Rubes left the Informal! She deleted her number from his phone and was generally very negative about him. She was pretty quiet in general, actually. Pleasant. But quiet.

We talked about Marilyn a lot and ended up discussing what we'd do in life if we knew it was our last day. We all agreed that we'd spend it with the people we loved the most. I felt a bit guilty because Angelo was looking at me. I was looking at him but I was thinking of… well, you know who I was thinking of.

* * *

><p><strong>Monday 13<strong>**th**** December**

**23:59**

**Home**

Ruby got up from bed and came out into the lounge to see me. She was very subdued and a little sheepish. She told me that when she deleted her number from Jackson's phone, she found a video on there of Liam and Bianca kissing at the Informal. He told her that he had been considering posting it online and sending it viral. She sent it to herself and then deleted it from his phone so he couldn't do any damage.

She's been stewing over it all day. She ended up confronting first Liam and then Bianca about the video. Liam responded by deleting the video. I'm not quite sure how Bianca responded, although I can't imagine that she took too kindly to being told that she didn't deserve Liam.

I was very gentle with her and admitted that I knew Liam and Bianca had kissed at the Informal. I said that I knew she didn't support them and that I did think it was wrong that Bianca still wants Liam even though she's marrying Vittorio but I'm not really one to talk when it comes to stuff like that. And she's my friend so I have to support her and the decisions she makes. Ruby says that she can't understand how I can be friends with her. I pointed out that if Bianca hadn't got something going on with Liam then Ruby wouldn't have a problem with her.

We chatted a bit about things and I hope I helped but it woke me up to how she's still struggling with stuff. I need to take better care of my baby girl.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 14<strong>**th**** December**

**22:45**

**Home**

It's been a busy day at work, although thankfully I've been based at the station and haven't had too much to do with the investigation. It's not that I don't want to find Penn's murderer. I do. I just don't want it to be Alf.

Graves got the search warrant for the bait shop today, you see and got the blood soaked rags. She brought them to the station as evidence so we're zoning in on Alf and Will really. She also found an apron with blood on it. Graves thinks Will and Shandi are the guilty parties and I agree. But Robertson still thinks Alf is the killer. I just hope he's wrong. The only problem is that he has annoyingly correct instincts when it comes to this kind of thing. That gives me a sick kind of feeling in my stomach… But I just can't believe that Alf could have anything to do with any of this. He's just… Alf.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 15<strong>**th**** December**

**12:08**

**The Beach**

I had the morning off today and went for coffee with Leah, which was nice. I've discovered that she is responsible for Robertson's elevated mood. Last Sunday, they shared a bit of a moment and kissed! I know he nearly got me done for a murder I didn't commit and he really is quite obnoxious but I do quite like him. He made the court go as easy as possible on my Dad and he genuinely wanted the right answer. He's a good cop and has the right heart for the job. And I think he really cares about Leah, which is nice for her. She deserves to be happy, especially after having her heart broken yet again.

I gather that Marilyn is suffering some backlash after her 'death' the other day. I mean, technically she did die because her heart stopped but thankfully, she was brought back. But the thing is, thinking that it was going to be forever, she posting out these DVDs to people and on one of them, she confessed to Colleen that back in the day, she and Lance accidentally dropped Colleen's mother's ashes on the floor. Apparently they panicked and replaced the ashes with some from a dog's home.

Dex tried to get the DVD back for her but Colleen caught him and watched it and has since fallen out with Marilyn, coming to the hospital to tell her exactly what she thinks of her so the peace that reigned between them is now over. That's a real shame, especially as the incident happened so long ago. Hopefully they'll make up someday!

Well, I guess I'd better close there and get to work…

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 17<strong>**th**** December**

**16:45**

**Home**

I'm very glad to have knocked off work and left Robertson and Grave to finish up. They've honed in on Will as their main target and I don't know what's happened there but it's Bianca and Vittorio's wedding tomorrow, for which I'm bridesmaid so I'm focussing on that, not on work and that works for me.

The day started today with Roo confronting Robertson for persecuting Alf and it kind of went from there. The thing is that Will and Alf's blood have both been found on the apron taken when we got the search warrant for the bait shop. So it's not looking great for either of them. But I remain adamant that Alf is innocent. I'm still not sure about Will.

He was brought in for questioning today though and he was still there when I left for home and this is my last entry about it all until after the wedding. From today until my next shift I am Bridemsaid Charlie, I am Friend Charlie. I am not Cop Charlie.

* * *

><p><strong>Saturday 18<strong>**th**** December**

**22:03**

**Home**

What a day! Well, I'm pretty tired so I don't think I'll write about it all now but the summary of it all is this:

Bianca didn't marry Vittorio. She ran off with Liam instead.

However, John and Gina ended up tying the knot instead.

And in less good news… in fact, in pretty shitty, fucking awful news, Alf has been formally arrested for Penn's murder.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 19<strong>**th**** December**

**14:02**

**The Beach**

Well, the good news of yesterday was all the wedding stuff – both Bianca _not _marrying Vittorio and Gina and John deciding to tie the knot in their place. The whole day was realy romantic. The only worrying part was the way Angelo kept looking at me. I really hope he wasn't getting any ideas!

The bridal party all got ready in the morning and it was really fun. The girlie, romantic part of me does like to indulge now and again, I must admit. And Bianca looked so beautiful.

Then we all went to the church and everything was so lovely. April attended, which was nice, although she still refused to be a bridesemaid. Which was kind of good, as kicking me out of my dress would have been a tiny bit awkward! Oh, and Colleen showed up with commemorative royal wedding plates because Vittorio is technically a Prince! How ridiculous is that?! It still makes me chuckle. What doesn't make me chuckle is that she's still refusing to make friends with Marilyn. The whole 'Marilyn died for a few minutes' thing should surely make the woman count the cost of life and make Colleen realise friendship is more important. Well, you'd think so, wouldn't you?

Liam also attended the wedding and sat very glumly at the back of the church. He didn't pipe up when the Minister asked if there were any objections and Bianca and Vittorio went ahead with their vows. Then, at the last minute, Bianca changed her mind and told her that she couldn't marry Vittorio. Everyone minus probably April and I were shocked as she went hurtling into Liam's arms. Vittorio objected, of course. That's understandable. But Romeo knocked him out and April started clapping! Then Liam and Bianca took off on his motorbike. I don't think we'll see them for a little while! I really hope they'll be able to make a go of things this time, now that she's finally got the Italian Stallion out of her system.

Once they'd gone, John took charge of the rather chaotic situation and then, all of a sudden, he and Gina decided to take advantage of the wedding without a bride and groom and got married instead! Xavier was the best man and Colleen was maid of honour and the whole thing was really quite sweet.

Sid, meanwhile, checked out Romeo's hand. I think it was probably the first time he's ever hit someone. He looked rather startled when he did it! I think he probably panicked when he saw Vittorio make a grab for Bianca, considering his history with his Mum and step-dad. But I'm making assumptions. I haven't spoken to him.

Anyway, everything was going really well. Angelo helped Xavier bring the Mad Max car that Xavier and John have been working on to the church so that John and Gina could drive off into the sunset after their wedding. I thought it was nice that Angelo wanted to help out like that. They even dressed it up with wedding attire and stuff to make it fancy.

And even Ruby had got into the romance of the day. Every time I saw her, she had with dreamy, swoony look on her face. She swears she hasn't met anybody (I mean, where would she have?) but she just seems to have a bit of a lift to her spirits. Well, I'm taking that as a good thing after the past few weeks we had. I can't help but worry about her sometimes though. Well, all the time actually.

Oh, and it looks like Roo has returned to New York. She headed off pretty quickly after the wedding. I guess this was a flying visit. But I wonder if she'll come back again now, after everything that's just happened with Alf. And yes, I know I need to write about the Alf stuff but… I just want to write about happy things today.

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Will sells Alf out, Charlie and Angelo spend Christmas together with the Buckton family and some Christmas presents cause friction…<em>


	136. Chapter 136

_Hi everyone. Here is the next instalment of Charlie's life as per the show itself, although I'm filling in my own blanks for a lot of this part as there was a break for some of this bit of the story. Also, especially considering the timing and theme of this chapter, I do hope you all had a great Christmas and that you have a great New Year too. Love, IJKS xxx_

**Chapter One Hundred and Thirty Six**

**Monday 20****th**** December**

**16:45**

**Work**

Right, well, I guess I do need to finally write up what has happened with Alf. I've just chipped in a bit with the official report writing, although thankfully I didn't have much to do with the police work so I haven't had to deal too much with it.

I guess it all started coming to a head on Friday when Will told Robertson that he saw Alf returning to the bait shop with blood on his hands on the night that Penn was killed. He then stated for the record that Alf killed him. It makes sense now that Will was so distant at the wedding on Saturday. A guilty conscience. Because I don't think he's told the truth. I _still _don't buy that Alf killed anybody. It doesn't make any sense.

But regardless, Alf is the one in the frame. Armed with a warrant, Robertson and Graves crashed the wedding and arrested him for murder. In his favour, Robertson did apologise to Alf for the timing but I still think he could have sped things up and done it before the wedding, or waited. It's not like Alf was a flight risk. The investigation has been going on long enough and he hasn't tried to run off or anything, has he?

I'm not going to make a big show of it to Robertson or anything but I _am _going to do everything I can to try and find the real killer. And I _know _it isn't Alf.

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 21<strong>**st**** December**

**12:32**

**Work**

I'm just on my break from work but I'm still at the station, eating a salad at my desk so I thought I'd use the time to write. Everything has been so busy that I'd actually almost forgotten that it's Christmas at the weekend! I've been so disorganised that I'm going to have to cram in shopping and everything. It's going to be insane.

We're going to Dad and Morag's for Christmas Day – Ruby, Angelo and I and I'm genuinely looking forward to it. It freaks me out a little bit to be doing the whole family Christmas thing with Angelo but at the same time, it's one of those things I have to get used to. We're a couple and I have to be happy about that. We live together. This is our life now. We're a we. It makes me uncomfortable in places but it's the choice that I've made and I have to live with that.

We're staying at Dad and Morag's place and then spending the next day at Angelo's parents. That'll be weird and I'm very nervous about it. I think Angelo is too. Obviously Ruby and I have met Paulie but we've not met the rest of his family and Angelo has had a very strained relationship with them over the years. He's only just started to reconnect with them in the last few months.

To be honest, I just hope we can get through Christmas without killing each other. In public. We just seem to be fighting so much at the moment. I seem to get everything wrong all the time and everything feels so tense. I'm struggling. A lot.

Oh, and in other news, this bypassed me. April has left town! Apparently after the wedding, her mother, Joanna basically dragged her to the car and sent her to Europe. For good. Xavier is utterly heartbroken, of course. I thought I hadn't seen her around much. Or him either for that matter. Poor kids.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 22<strong>**nd**** December**

**18:03**

**The Beach**

Today was my first day of holiday time over the Christmas period and I managed to get all my shopping done in one go, which was a relief. The crowds were crazy, as you'd expect, only a few days before Christmas Day. That will teach me to leave it all to the last minute! As usual, I have loads of gifts for Ruby, most of which, I bought throughout the year, with extra ones I bought today. And I had to buy more important ones for Angelo than the norm. But I got a gift for Leah, VJ, Dad, Morag and Watson, like I normally do too. I would have got one for Bianca as well because she is now quite a close friend but I don't know when she and Liam might swan back into Summer Bay after their romantic bid for freedom! Other than those people, I don't really have anyone else to buy for.

Okay, I tell a lie. I did buy for someone else. I bought for her last weekend and posted it out. I wasn't going to confess it in here but I can't help myself. I saw this beautiful glass coaster. I know it sounds random and it is. But it was blue and of the ocean and if you look closely, you could see a tiny ship sailing along the horizon. It was really pretty so I bought, packaged it up and sent it to her as a gift with a card. I really hope she doesn't mind.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 22<strong>**nd**** December**

**19:58**

**Home**

I popped into the Diner on my way back to give Leah hers and VJ's Christmas presents and she had some things for me. She had gifts for me, Angelo and Ruby. But she also had a gift for me and a gift for Ruby that had been sent to the house. I recognised the handwriting on the parcels right away. They're from Joey. I know I sent her something but I'm still touched that she sent something for us. I love her so much. I miss her. I wish she was here.

* * *

><p><strong>Christmas Eve<strong>

**01:23**

**Home**

I'm sleeping in the spare room and I am in a terrible mood. It's been a shit day and I had a horrible time at the Christmas party. Between this and last year, you know, when I left and ended up getting knocked out and kidnapped by Hugo and left to almost drown in the middle of the ocean, I'm starting to think these things might be cursed! I dread to think what my life might be like this time next year!

The day started well enough. Ruby and I chilled out together and got packing to go to the city tomorrow (well, technically today) to spend Christmas with Dad and Morag and then onto Angelo's family on Boxing Day. During the day, I revealed that Joey had sent a gift for her and that she'd also sent one for me. Knowing that Joey is a sensitive subject for Angelo, we agreed to open the presents there and then, rather than taking them away with us and opening them in front of him. Unfortunately, he chose that moment to come home.

Well, it all kicked off! Ruby retreated with her present, which was a really beautiful, handmade photoframe. My gift was also handmade – an incredibly intricate and beautiful jewellery box. I immediately fell in love with it but I didn't have much chance to enjoy it because he came home and was instantly furious. He knew without me even saying anything that the presents were from my ex-girlfriend. We had a massive fight and he just kept going on about how I was still in love with Joey and there had been three people in our relationship from the start. I tried to reassure him that I loved him and that I was with him and faithful to him but that I wasn't going to refuse a gift from Joey if she wanted to send it. He was accusatory about my contact with her and how much we communicate. I said we didn't we talk much, just the odd message now and again, just to see how we were. I refused to apologise for it. He demanded to know how I would feel if he was in touch with an ex and I honestly said that I wouldn't care. I wouldn't. I'm not quite sure what that says about us. He also wanted to know if I sent her a present and I said that I did. There was no point lying. He told me I disgusted him and stormed off to bed.

* * *

><p><strong>Christmas Eve<strong>

**11:04**

**Home**

Well, we're gearing up to go to Dad and Morag's for Christmas and I couldn't be less excited if I tried. Angelo and I are hardly speaking and you could cut the atmosphere with a knife. Poor Ruby is keeping out of the way as much as possible but that's not exactly going to be easy on a car journey. Oh, that's going to be hell on earth.

Why did he have to come home when he did? And why does he have to be so angry with me for accepting a Christmas gift from Joey? I mean, am I being unreasonable? I don't know. Maybe I am. But I can't let her go. Not completely. And not for him. Not for anyone. Christmas, birthdays, the odd text… they're all I have.

* * *

><p><strong>Christmas Eve<strong>

**22:56**

**Dad and Morag's House**

Angelo and I have called a truce. We decided before we left that not talking over Christmas was just going to be awful, especially as we were visiting each other's families. So, we made tentative friends and decided to sweep everything under the carpet. I've left Joey's gift at home and I hope Ruby has done the same thing. I need to hold Joey in my heart and not anywhere outside of myself, although I do want to text her when I get the chance, to say thank you. I think I'll be careful tomorrow to keep my phone on silent because I know she'll text me to thank me for the gift I sent her and the last thing I need is for it all to kick off again when we've just made peace.

The journey up was better than I expected. We put music on and sang a lot, which felt a bit forced a times but I guess it's a case of whatever works. To be honest, I just want to get through this Christmas in one piece as far as my relationship goes. Nothing feels quite right at the moment and it makes me sad.

Once we arrived, things were lovely though and it's been so great to spend time with Dad and Morag, although Dad has declined since we last saw him. He's held his own as much as possible but he isn't quite himself and he seems to be struggling with a cold. But Ruby and I are determined to make as big fuss of him tomorrow. We and Morag are really keen to make it special.

* * *

><p><strong>Christmas Day<strong>

**23:04**

**Dad and Morag's House**

Well, I had my doubts but it's actually been a really lovely day. Angelo and I didn't fight at all, Dad coped as best he could, we all kept smiles on our faces, none of the food got burned and we all enjoyed ourselves. It was very relaxed and we all got along really well.

We exchanged presents in the morning and had a really lovely lunch. It was nice to be a family together, even though that still feels a bit unsettling with Angelo, especially as we haven't been getting along that well lately. But we all had fun and that's what counts.

And what counts the most is that Dad enjoyed himself. It was so great to spend time with him today, to feel close to him. I love him so much and I made sure that I told him and showed him. I look at him sometimes and I get scared about the time that I know is running out and I want to keep each moment and make it matter. I'm so frightened of losing him.

But I don't want to get all maudlin. I want to focus on all the joy of the day. Because it really was joyful. Oh, and my silent phone plan worked. Joey texted me to thank me for my gift and Angelo didn't notice. I excused myself to the bathroom and texted her back, thanking her for mine. It was nice to be in touch with her, even briefly.

_Next time… Charlie meets Angelo's family, Angelo tries to make things right after another fight with Charlie and the residents of Summer Bay prepare to bring in 2011…_


	137. Chapter 137

**Chapter One Hundred and Thirty Seven**

**Monday 27****th**** December**

**23:06**

**Home**

Well, we're back in Summer Bay and I'm pretty tired but just wanted to write a little. Angelo is asleep beside me. He did most of the driving back from the city so he's shattered.

Yesterday was interesting though. I finally met his parents and the rest of his family and I have to say that they were all lovely. They were so welcoming to Ruby and I. It was interesting to watch him interacting with his family, something I've never seen, aside from when Paulie was visiting a few months ago. He gets quite childish and he was definitely showing off a bit. But it was fun and I enjoyed myself and Ruby did too. I hope that Angelo and I took some steps in our relationship yesterday.

Today, we had a big breakfast with the family and spent some more time with them and then this afternoon, took a slow drive back to the Bay. It was pretty chilled and I'm starting to feel a bit more relaxed again. You never know, maybe next year will be a whole new start for us…

* * *

><p><strong>Tuesday 28<strong>**th**** December**

**23:02**

**Home**

I'm fucking furious! It's actually reached the point that I don't know if I can continue this relationship. I am sleeping in the spare room and if I even continue living here, it's the room I'd like to make my permanent home because if I even have to look at that man's disgusting face again, I'm going to punch him.

It turns out that before we left for the city for Christmas, he took it upon himself to smash up my Christmas present from Joey and then put the remnants in the bin. He was banking on me not finding out but of course, we came back and I couldn't find it so I started looking for it. Then I got suspicious and just on the off chance, I looked in the bin. And there it was, smashed to bits.

We had an almight row and he totally lost his rag and became really aggressive. I shouted back and it lasted for hours. Ruby came home in the middle of it and ran straight into her room. I feel terrible that this is the home she's having to live in. We were so much better off with Leah. I miss that house so much. I hate it here. I hate him. The worst mistake I ever made was losing Joey. I dream of the life I could be living right now with her.

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 29<strong>**th**** December**

**12:35**

**Work**

I am so relieved to be back at work. I left first thing this morning and I was so glad to get out of that house. Honestly, I don't know how much longer I can stay there. This could genuinely be it for Angelo and I. Every time I even think about that man, my blood boils. He makes me sick. How dare he smash up my belongings like that? How dare he take something so precious and destroy it? Is he that insecure? Ugh! I despise him!

* * *

><p><strong>Wednesday 29<strong>**th**** December**

**23:03**

**Home**

When I came home this evening, Angelo had put the jewellery box back together to the best of his ability. He presented it to me with a genuine apology and explained that he couldn't help but feel insecure about my past with Joey. I asked why. He said that it's because he knows how much I loved her, how willingly I told her that, how willingly I lived with her and how much I would have given up for her. He said he feels that he'll always be second best and that if she ever came back and asked for another shot, I would dump him without hesitation.

I feel bad about it all now because everything he said was true. If Joey did show up at my door now and told me that all was forgiven and forgotten and we could wipe the slate clean and start again, I wouldn't even have to think twice. I feel terrible about it because I do care for Angelo and I know he loves me but Joey… my heart just longs for her.

But yeah, I said all the right things and I appreciated the gesture of him putting the box back together. We made up and everything seems okay again. I hope it lasts this time. I really can't cope with all this fighting.

* * *

><p><strong>Thursday 30<strong>**th**** December**

**22:34**

**Home**

There's definitely a weird atmosphere at home tonight. And I don't really understand it because I swear we got everything sorted out yesterday. You know, he put the box back together and we both said and did all the right things and we made up. So theoretically, everything should be fine again. But it's not. Everything's… off. And I can't quite figure out why. It's not coming from me. It's definitely him. I don't know what I've done wrong.

* * *

><p><strong>Friday 31<strong>**st**** December**

**16:08**

**Home**

Well, today is the last day of 2010 and what a year it's been. I've just got home from work and there's still a weird atmosphere at home and I still can't quite figure out why. Angelo is being weird with me. Like, he's nice but he's distant and I can't get him to talk to me about what's bothering him. I don't understand what's going on.

So I'm not really looking forward to the party. It's not the nicest last entry to the year but at least it's honest. But hey, maybe 2011 will bring better things…

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Summer Bay holds a party, Charlie and Angelo bring in the New Year on an argument and Leah lets Elijah go…<em>


	138. Chapter 138

**Chapter One Hundred and Thirty Eight**

**Saturday 1****st**** January 2011**

**13:41**

**Work**

Well, that was a particularly crappy New Year, if there ever was one. I mean, I've had some bad ones but that was lousy. It was all going fine. We went to the party at the Surf Club, as planned and everyone was having fun. I enjoyed spending time with Ruby and Leah and we danced loads.

I spent time with Angelo too, although he mostly propped up the bar with Alf. We danced a bit and chatted and it was nice but I still felt this distance between us, like I've been feeling for for ages now.

We brought in the New Year together and that was all nice. The party continued and it was fun. I was quite touched to get a Happy New Year text from Joey and I sent one back, of course. I know I can't keep her but I like to hold onto any interaction that I can. I know it's sad but it's true.

But at around one o'clock, after I'd come back from the bathroom, everything kicked off. Angelo picked a fight with me over nothing. He started accusing me of not wanting to be at the party with him, of ignoring him all night and just wanting to spend time with Ruby and Leah. I said that that wasn't true and that I'd wanted to dance and he hadn't wanted to. He started yelling at me in front of everyone. It was so embarrassing. He stormed out and went home. I was so pissed off that I deliberately stayed at the party with Ruby and Leah and deliberately had fun without him.

We hardly talked this morning and I had my shift start at ten thirty so I was glad to escape to the station. Sometimes I wonder what we're even doing together. And sometimes I wonder how we're ever going to last. I certainly don't know at times if I want to. Happy New Fucking Year.

* * *

><p><strong>Sunday 2<strong>**nd**** January**

**18:02**

**Home**

I spent pretty much the whole day with Leah today and it was really nice. We spent most of the day analysing our romantic disasters. She's come back from Africa pretty set that things are definitely over with Elijah. She's sad but now that she's been over there, she's got closure, which is what she's needed all this time. We've said since he left that she either needed to find a way to hold onto him or to let him go and going out there to visit him, she has been able to decide one way or another. And sadly, she's had to let him go.

As for me… We spent a lot of time trying to work out what's wrong with Angelo and why he's so angry with me all the time. I just can't work out what the triggers are. One minute everything if fine and the next minute, he's hit the roof about something. Like New Year's Eve. At no point did he indicate that he wasn't happy at the party. We were spending time together and everything seemed to be going fine. At one point, I even _checked _that he didn't mind me dancing with Leah and Ruby. And he said everything was fine. I'm not a mind reader. If he has a problem, he needs to talk to me about it. I'm finding everything so difficult. I can't read him and I can't cope with him. It's like living with Jekkyl and Hyde.

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><p><em>Next time… Things finally come to a head between Charlie and Angelo, Charlie and Ruby move back in with Leah and Ross takes a turn for the worse…<em>


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